MORGAN: Elisa & Tori on Disordered Eating Journeys to Now Helping Others

TAKE THIS PERSONALLY WITH MORGAN:

Two people from different parts of the world are sharing a similar story this week on disordered eating. Elisa and Tori Peyton join the episode to share their disordered eating stories and how various life moments had an impact on their journeys. Elisa admitted the moment she recognized she had to change something and how it led to an overhaul of her life. Tori opens up about the triggers that exist in our world and how it played a role in her experiences. They're both now helping others address their own disordered eating habits.

Follow Elisa: @followtheintuition

Follow Tori Peyton: @growithtori

Follow Morgan: @webgirlmorgan

Follow Take This Personally: @takethispersonally

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:16):
Felsman. This week, I did something this episode a little
differently to talk about a topic that many people face,
disordered eating. I have on two guests this week who
have their own personal experience with the topic and how
they use their stories to now help others who are
struggling with the same thing. Even more importantly, they are
from two different parts of the world, so they have

(00:37):
different experiences but also relate in many ways. Here are
interviews with Eliza and Tory Payton on disordered eating. Another
episode inspired this episode. I was talking with Cara about
Integrative Health and her disordered eating experience and how that
influenced her career. But I wanted to dedicate an entire

(00:59):
episode to this particular topic, disordered eating. So I have
on Eliza, who is an eating disorder recovery coach and
ten years recovered in her own life. Hi Eliza, how
are you?

Speaker 2 (01:10):
Hi?

Speaker 3 (01:11):
Am good. I'm happy to be here.

Speaker 1 (01:13):
Thank you for coming on, and we're going to dive
right into this really intense topic and I just appreciate
your vulnerability up front. So talk to me about your
disordered eating story, where this all started and began for you.
Tell me what happened there.

Speaker 3 (01:31):
Yeah, like I had Pullman Orthrix young. But also I
want to maybe started a little bit further because people
don't realize like how it actually like. You don't develop
like a you know, food blown eating a salta overnight
at least like for me, developed actually for years and years.
For example, when I was a teenager, I would say

(01:51):
maybe a fuele of years old or something. But your
body starts to develop. I remember I started to feel
like my hips are whiter, and I was one of
the first one in my class, like from the girls
who developed foods. And I just felt like my body
was changing and I felt like that this is why
I was so vulnerable too. I want to like maybe

(02:11):
control it or diet. So this is when I started
to die. First diet I remember I did, was I
stopped eating after six pm. And nowadays I think this
is called intermitted fasting. But basically I stopped eating after
six pm. I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted
throughout the day, but of course since I restricted in

(02:32):
the evening, I lost weight, and of course, like for
a period of time, I felt good and like it
was working and I could keep it up for like
half a year, but then There was like one particular
night when I was like out with my friends and
I was like so hungry, but I was like, no,
I can't eat. And it was like finally when I
gave in. And I think like this was the first

(02:53):
time I had my proper like a binge eating episode,
and I was like so taken aback, Like what happened?
Oh my god, I can't do this. I would gain
all the weight back and everything, but yeah, I couldn't
keep up with it. I couldn't stop myself from eating
at the night and everything and all the way it
came back. And then my mom she never commented on
my body or pushed me to diet, but she did

(03:15):
some diets herself, and one time we went to a
little vocation and she was following this. I guess it
was like an Adkins type of diet, and I was like, oh,
can I try it as well? Can we do it
both of us? And I guess like my mom didn't
know anything about diets or how it's like powerful and
especially to a teenager even for adult actually, but yeah,
like again lost weight. I remember one time I almost

(03:37):
painted and my mom was like, oh my god, what's happening?
You need to eat, and she was a little bit worried.
But basically like from that period of time, I guess
my disordered eating started and I developed episodes of binge eating, overeating.
It wasn't like bullieve me, I yet done something and
I called myself more like an emotion eater or I
thought I'm just addicted to the yummy foods or something.

(03:59):
But now I know that it wasn't like emotion eating
or food addiction. You can develop all of those symptoms
because you're restricting food. So anyway, then fast forward to
when I was about like twenty years old, I went
through this like heartbreak right like I was so in
love and we were together for a few years, but

(04:20):
we broke up. And I would say that I fell
into some kind of depression or something and I abused
like alcohol and I was like smoking back then, and
I just felt like completely like in a black hole
and I had like really like dark thoughts and everything.
And I guess like it was huge stress what I
went through. And now looking back, I know this is

(04:43):
why I started to develop some health symptoms, Like because
of stress, my hair was falling out, I developed like
acne on my face. I had digestion issues. But back then,
of course, like I started to google, like how can
I fix myself? I didn't want to like them drugs
for the skin, right because for example, like things like aquitain,

(05:05):
like it can be like there can be so many
bad symptoms from taking drugs. So I'm like, I don't
want to take drugs. I want to heal myself from
the inside out. Right. I had a good goal. I
didn't want to like, oh, I just want to donate
to be thin or whatever. I just thought, I want
to feel myself. I want to feel good and I
don't want to have those symptoms. But this is when I, yeah, googled.

(05:29):
I found the clean eating, high carb, low fat, vegan eating,
raw foodism, then fruitarianism, all those things, and yeah, I
would just generally say, like I I had to eat
like very clean. Of course I didn't want to. I
don't know this fruitarianism overnight. But maybe first I cut

(05:51):
out sugar. Then I cut out airy because like normally
you hear, oh, those are that are bad for your
skin and everything, so basic, I started took out cut
out more and more foods. I started to do those
weeks of I'm just going to eat clean the whole week,
but since I was already like a binge eater or overeater,

(06:11):
then I would always end my week with a binge,
basically going to a shop and buying all the foods
that I restricted, all the processed foods, junk food like,
everything that was like out of limits. Those are the
foods that I wanted and prayed and die binge on them.
And after one particular binge session, I just ate so

(06:33):
much that I was physically so uncomfortable, so painfully full,
that I went through toilette and I vomited. And I
was at the first moment, I was already aware, Oh
my god, like this is what polymics do. This is
no like, I'm not developing bulimia. This is just one
time I was just overly full. I'm just like helping
my body. I just ate too much, blah blah blah.

(06:54):
But the truth is because I didn't stop this mindset
and I didn't blame the eating, the clean eating. I
thought it is healthy, there's nothing wrong with that. I
didn't see that how it's restrictive. Then the bing is
continued and omitting goes so continued. So yeah, this is
how it all begins. Basically.

Speaker 1 (07:14):
I think the thing that stands out the most for
me is hearing you talk about just these wide variety
of experiences. I think a lot of people when they
hear disordered eating, they automatically think, Oh, this person is
eating and then throwing up. That's it. There's no one between,
there's no other things happening, And that was so apparent
for me. And your beginning story is just these different

(07:37):
fluctuations of things that we're seeing in culture. You're seeing
and experiencing things that other people are different diets, body
image issues, you're clean eating and wanting to go on
a new path. None of it is inherently bad, but
for someone who is constantly seeing things in a certain light,

(07:59):
it's gonna reflect. And that's what I'm saying happened in
your journey. So talking about that moment where you start realizing, oh,
this is what this is. When did that happen? Oh
I am this is a disorder eating pattern? Yeah?

Speaker 3 (08:16):
Yeah, I guess from the point I said that the
first time I vomited and then the pattern just continued.
But I think like all the time I was just
telling myself or lying to myself, like you know, like
I don't want to be thin necessary. I just want
healthy for my health, like for my skin, for my health,
for my digestion and everything. And I genuinely thought that

(08:38):
certain foods are causing the digestion issues, for example gluten
and dairy, and because the thing with those foods are
if you actually start to restrict those foods and don't
eat them for a while, then your stomach can stop
producing the necessary enzymes to eat to digestion them properly.
And this is why it can seem that, oh, every

(09:00):
time I now eat them a little bit, I have symptoms.
I thought that I'm doing the good thing. And that's
the thing with clean eating, especially like for me, was
that I knew that it wasn't normal, like the symptoms,
but I just didn't see what can I do differently
or I can't eat all the foods or it's like
I'm just trying to do it for my health. So

(09:21):
this is where you get in trapped. And also the
more you're restrict, the more you start to feel hear
all kinds of foods and have a guilt and plus
the symptoms and everything, so it's like a big trap.
You push yourself into a corner kind.

Speaker 1 (09:36):
When you were going through all of this. I know
you mentioned your mom and how she was doing diets
and you wanted to come on, But was there anyone
around you who was picking up on you doing this?
Or was you really good at hiding what was happening?

Speaker 3 (09:51):
Yeah, like really good at hiding. It's not only about
that you lose a bunch of weight or you restrict
your calories like heavily or something, but it can also
manifest that's like clean eating or yeah, just avoiding some foods,
or or you can't eat out in a restaurant or
randomly 're like no, I can't go because they don't

(10:12):
serve this and that. And of course, like people do
have like real intolerances and everything, but this is not
like what I'm talking about them, just talking about how
those symptoms people at least, like the highest culture is
so normalized that often those behaviors are praised, like people
lose weight or try to eat healthy. It's, oh my god,
like you are so inspirational, like how do you do it?

(10:35):
Even when I remember, like I was young and I
stopped eating after six pm, like like my mom didn't
mean anything bad, but even she was like oh, you
are so good at this or good job, and now
I'm like what I know as a coach, I'm like,
I don't know, Like she wasn't the bad mom, but
I think, like it's so normalized people don't see it
as a problem. But of course, like they're perching or

(10:58):
the woman thing. This is what I could mass like.
I would only do it when I was like completely alone,
and since yeah, I didn't look like I have an
eating salter, then it was pretty easy to hide it.

Speaker 1 (11:10):
What was the turning moment when you realized, Okay, I
can't do this anymore and I need to get help
or I need to change my patterns. Because I hear
you mentioning a lot of this, and because you were
doing a lot of stuff alone, I imagine that turning
point had to be significant for you to finally take
that step to turn the corner.

Speaker 3 (11:32):
Yeah. So I feel like for me, I always wanted
to recover and get better, but I searched for the
answers from the right wrong places. For example, them high carb,
low fat vegan that I was following promote no color restriction.
They say, if you want to be successful at this
or be vegan, you have to eat enough calories, like

(11:54):
to two five hundred plus calories. If you eat less,
like you are restricting, so of course you're going to
be in and everything. So I genuinely thought that this
is not restrictive and it's cure for my bingches. But
I just thought, like the other foods are just addictive
and I just have to I don't know, change my
taste pots. And they talk about all those things like yeah, totally,
like your taste pots are going to change, and so

(12:16):
I looked for answers from the wrong places, but I
had like always this, I don't want to keep on binging.
I don't want to keep having bolima, like I don't
understand why it happens. And I guess one year I
was searching for answers or googling something about recovery or bolima,
and I stumbled upon this like one book and she
talked about how she recovered I think like she had

(12:39):
Bullyman on her excl fourteen years or something, and she
talked about how she recovered from it fully by into
it e beating, and I was like, okay, great, and
so much of her book like makes and made sense
to me and everything, But in the end of the book,
like she wrote out what she ate for I guess,
like or something, and there was like all kinds of

(13:03):
different foods and normal foods and cooked foods, but also
like she went out to eat with her friends like
hamburgers and French fries. And I was like, okay, like
I can't do it because this is on a health field,
like she's so lost, and like I thought, like she's
like poor her, she doesn't know what she's doing, Like
I was so brainwashed in my area. So I was like, no,

(13:25):
I can't do it. And then I continued to struggle
for another year, and then another year went past, and
I guess already like also searching and googling, and I
downloaded and ebook again and everything, and I read it
and I'm like I've already read this book and it
was the same book, like I bought it again. But

(13:47):
then reading the book and the event like what she
had eaten that week, like I finally it clicked for me,
and it was like yeah, like all this year, I
wasn't very restricting anymore, but I was heavily restricting on
foods that I could eat. And I was like so
desperate and so tired that point, and I knew what

(14:08):
I'm doing is not working. I was like one hundred
percent convinced that it's not working. So I guess like
I was finally open minded enough. Two, Okay, I'm gonna
try it. Like at this point, I have nothing else
to lose, and if I need to quit, throw food whatever.
Like in Estonia, like I had such a community and
I had business around it and everything. It wasn't like

(14:29):
an easy thing to change. But I was like, I'm
gonna change my whole life. I'm going to change my friends,
I'm going to change my work, you know what I
do everything if I can just recover, So I was
willing to, like, yeah, just let go all restrictions. So
my recovery started when I finally decided that I have
to let go all restrictions, not just color restriction but

(14:51):
also food restriction and eat the hamburgers and French spies
and all the foods I thought are like so unhealthy.
And yeah, so.

Speaker 1 (15:02):
Hearing you say that where you're like, I have to
just give up and let go of everything to start
over is a hard decision to make you're sitting here,
especially the experience you had for so long where you
thought you were doing the right thing. It's so important
hearing you say I thought I was doing the right thing.
I was clean eating, I was doing everything that people

(15:22):
were telling me to do, because it is it's a
guys in a way if you are doing it in
a way that is hurting your body instead of helping
your body. And restricting foods is a huge part of
that whole movement intuitive eating. Everything you mentioned there is
just so important. So thank you for sharing that, because
I also know that turning point had to be difficult,
but I applaud your ability to let go and say, Okay,

(15:46):
I have to start over and I need to do
this for myself. And you saw that you made that
turning point, which is why you're a coach now to
help people do the same thing. What are some things
you wish you had known going through this experience originally
if you could someone right now that's in your shoes
ten plus years ago, what's something you wish you could

(16:07):
have had the information?

Speaker 3 (16:10):
Yeah, since my eating Solder was so tied to the
clean eating and being healthy and everything. Of course, at
first when I started, I didn't have this connection. But
then like after years of trying to clean, eat clean
and be healthy and everything. But at the same time,
like realizing like I have an eating solder. I wish

(16:30):
people would see that as long as you have an
eating sold then no clean eating is going to make
you healthy. Like eating solder is not a not healthy.
It's like those foods whatever you deem it's unhealthy, are
not going to hurt you as much as the eating
solder will hurt you. So it's like, yeah, getting rid

(16:52):
of the eating sold is the top priority. And also
I don't know, like we can get into it about everything,
but it's not that it's not like I eat now
hamburgers and French pries every day and this is what
people think. Oh if I just let go and I
eat whatever I want. And of course, if you're so deprived,
there's gonna be a recovery phase when you have things

(17:12):
like extreme hunger, extreme cravings. It's so normal to go
through it where you gravitas towards the exact foods you craved.
But as long as you stop restricting compensating of course,
like perching, I don't know, using whatever methods you used
to compensate, then over time, like your cravings and hungred
cues and everything will go back to balance. So yeah,

(17:33):
it was one of my biggest fears because every time
I previously allowed myself to have those foods, I finished.
So I'm like, how can that be the answer. But
I didn't realize that you have to stop restricting along
with that, all the compensating and over exercising, perching like whatever.
So then over time the cravings can go back to normal.

(17:57):
And now like, I'm into ITV and I eat. I'm
like a normal eater. I even sometimes don't like the
term intoity eating because it seems, oh, what are the steps,
Like it's just normal eating, Like it's just normal eating.
And and I don't binge on chunk food anymore. I
eat quite a good like variety. Also, I love like

(18:20):
good like home cooked meals and like fruit sweatgies. I
can eat out. I have no longer, no stress, no
guilt over food or anything. So yeah, just people maybe
when they hear when they are struggling and in this
clean eating mindset, they have so many fears like, oh,
but then I would just eat chunk forever. But actually

(18:41):
this is not the case. Actually the opposite is true.
Your hunger can go back to normal.

Speaker 1 (18:49):
It sounds like there's just so many different extremes, and
as long as you're going to those extremes, it's not
good for you. Whether it's the extreme side of being
so healthy and such either or the extreme of over eating,
of binging, of there's a balance, just as there is
with everything in life. There's a balance with food, and

(19:11):
you should be able to have fun with your friends
while also understanding that there are good foods that are
gonna fuel your body. There's also foods out there that
are gonna make you feel a little bit more sluggish,
and they might have things in them that your body
isn't used to breaking down. But that balance is hard
to understand because we've been taught so many different things.

(19:33):
So the mind plays a lot of tricks as you're
going through all of this this is good and that's bad,
when in reality, you just need to have things that
make your body feel good. That's the bottom line. It's
so important hearing you say the different variations of that again,
because I think we've been taught to believe disordered eating

(19:55):
is very associated with anorexia or bolimia, and that's it.
There's so much in between that brings those out. Now,
being in this post side of recovery and you're ten
years outside of your eating disorder, what's it been like
for you? Is there still triggers? Is it a battle

(20:16):
every day that you're fighting.

Speaker 3 (20:18):
No, I wouldn't say there are still triggers in terms
of the eating sold But like I said before, like
I learned my lesson that so many health symptoms can
actually start with stress, and I wish like I would
have known it before that, like I don't need to
start clean eating or cutting out foods, but firstly, at
least like for me, like for my body, stress is

(20:39):
a big trigger for me to have symptoms. For example,
in twenty eighteen or seventeen or something, when I was
already recovered for I don't know like how many years,
maybe five years or so, I also went through stress
and it was more like work stress and yeah, and
I also started to develop the same symptoms like my
hair was falling out, acne again, digestion issues. But now

(21:04):
I was like, no, I won't start to restrict foods,
even though I was afraid to go to doctor to
ask about my digestion because I was afraid they will
tell me like yeah, I cut out theairy cut out
blah blah blah, and I'm like, I can't cut out foods,
so I'm just gonna focus on managing my stress. And yeah,
and it worked, and over time, all the symptoms went away.

(21:26):
I didn't change anything in my dad. The an acne
went away, the hair loss, the digestion issues issue is
a little bit different story because I continue to have
the symptoms for three years because I I was so
afraid to go to doctor because I thought maybe they
would say restrict something. But luckily I went to doctor

(21:47):
and they discovered I had H Pylori bacteria. And I guess,
like from my research, I think stress can also trigger it,
like so many people have it already in their god,
but due to stress, it can just how I say multiplier,
I don't know. I don't want to use any incorrect terms.
And I did one week of antibiotic antibiotics and the

(22:10):
stomach issues went away and I didn't have to start restricting.
And so what I just want to say is that
I finally learned the lesson that at least like for me,
like stress is a big trigger for health symptoms and
I don't need to start restricting foods, but just start
to focus on reducing stress and managing my stress levels

(22:31):
and like sleep more and do meditation, relaxation, more time
for myself. They like gate stuff to other people, ask
more help, And yeah, I didn't went back to my
eating folder because I learned my lesson and I know
like from my other clients, like stress is such a
trigger for them as well, and sometimes they start to
restrict again and it's just yeah, I guess like a

(22:53):
big learning lesson is the link to the stress.

Speaker 1 (22:59):
Yeah, we don't ever realized how much stress impacts our lives,
and we have stress every single day with working in
the roles we play in people's lives. Like, stress is
a major factor in our lives, and I don't think
we ever give it enough credit for how it can
treat our bodies and the pressure it puts on us.
So that's a really important one and one that I

(23:21):
wouldn't have thought of to be like the underlying here's
the real key issue that you need to work through.

Speaker 3 (23:29):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (23:30):
I love to end our episodes on whether it's a
piece of advice or perspective that you have for people
who are on this journey they're going through it, Maybe
they're towards the end, maybe they're right in the middle.
What's something that you would love them to know from you?

Speaker 3 (23:48):
Like one of the things I mentioned already that really
helped me to even start my recovery, Like I had
so many objections and hesitations and everything, but was the
fact that finally was like open minded to okay, like
this is clearly not working what I'm doing. And then
I was finding like open minded to hear different things,

(24:09):
even things that contradicted to my previous beliefs about like
healthy eating and everything. For example, like we talk about
like eating chunk foods, like how can this be helping
you recover? Like like I understand total like it doesn't
make sense, but of course, like we have such a
limited period of time here to talk about it, but
if it would take time to maybe see my work

(24:30):
or read my book or something, then you would see
like how it makes total sense. And also thinks about
like going through extreme hunger in recovery, like how this
is not you binging, this is just aftermath after the restriction,
and how your body is trying to catch up, and
also things like if you're awaken and I had such
a belief about coming from the DAD mentality and everything

(24:52):
that I need to be responsible for my weight and
if I just let go of the control, my weight
will just spiral out of control. But actually, like what
I also talk about a lot as well, is like
your body actually has a set point weight that is
mostly determined by genetics, like regulated by your like normal hunger, fuse,
and metabolism, which is the goal of full recovery. Right,

(25:15):
get your body functioning normally again, So then actually your
body actually wants to start maintaining your set point effortlessly.
You just eat normally like naturally, you're going to be
able to then eat one hungry, stop and full, and
there's nothing like I need to manage on a data
basis on my weight, and I didn't know that. Actually
my body wants to stay in home staces, like it
doesn't want to just fluctuate with weight, and if it does,

(25:37):
then there's something going on either stress or maybe food
restriction that causes you to binge it or whatever. So yeah,
just to be more open minded to the ideas of
letting go all restrictions because in all restrictive eatings alters,
like this is the first step to start with. You

(25:59):
cannot cover from eating salter while still restricting like you cannot. Yes,
it's like a mental issue, but it's also very busic
and restriction fuels those symptoms.

Speaker 1 (26:12):
Thank you for sharing those things. You had said one
more thing that I want to go into, and it
was it reminded me of this question that I had
for you. Where I'd love to know on this side
of things, I'm someone who luckily hasn't had the experience
with disordered eating. What is something I can do to

(26:35):
support my friends or people that I know that go
through these things? Like I never want to do or
say the wrong things. I want to make sure that
I'm a safe space for all of that. What is
someone on the opposite side of this who can make
sure they're doing the right things? What is something we
can do better?

Speaker 3 (26:53):
Yeah? I think it also depends on whether or not,
like they are open about them issues they're going through.
I don't know if it's like a good idea to
start to talk about it if they don't bring it
up or something, because it can be like a very
sensitive topic. But yeah, and sometimes like just being there
for them and maybe be vulnerable yourself about whatever else

(27:15):
you're going through. So maybe it will sign them also
to open up. But the boast often I think like
people need rather somebody to just listen and to understand,
of course, not to kind of say, yeah, you're doing
the right thing or something, but just listen and understand
and be compassionate and kind and not go with them,

(27:37):
Oh you should do this, So you should do that,
especially if you don't have experience, and then yes, like
it would be very easy to say the wrong thing.
But also in general, like with eating salters, you never
want to mention about like food or diets, like definitely
no diet talk around them. Definitely, no talk about this
food is good or bad, healthy and healthy like any

(27:58):
of those labels. No talk about their weight or anybody else's. Wait,
even criticizing your own body can be say to them that, yeah,
like bodies are something to be criticized or weight is
something to be feared or controlled. So I guess, yeah, like,
don't talk about food, weights and those things, and maybe yeah,

(28:21):
you can urge the conversation about something else, because even
though they need to get their mind off from their
food and eating and the last thing maybe they need
is someone close to them start to ask a bunch
of questions and tell them like what to do or something.
But it's so hard because I don't know, like, of
course somebody who is like a parent, and sometimes you

(28:43):
need to have intervention if you see like things are
really going bad. But it's like, very often I see
that it's so hard to help somebody who is not
ready or who is who doesn't think there's something wrong.
Like people ask me like, yeah, like now I'm in
recovery and I see other people dieting and doing this
and that at LISTA, what can I do? I'm like,

(29:04):
I don't know, because I know when I was deep
into that, I wasn't open minded enough. I wasn't receptive
to that because I had my own beliefs and everything.
It would have maybe pushed people away. Even so, but
what I tell them is that you lead by example,
be there fully recovered person you can be, and then
maybe your friends or whoever you meet, they will be

(29:27):
positively influenced just by your example, not by what you say,
but what you do and how you are.

Speaker 1 (29:35):
I was going to ask you that if you happen
to see a friend experiencing this and you're seeing the
pattern of behavior, but just like with a lot of
trauma in our lives. Until somebody is ready to get
the help, you can't force them to have the help.
And that was you answer my next question already.

Speaker 3 (29:55):
Yeah, but maybe if you are vulnerable and you share
your experience this or something, it will urge them also
to talk about their experiences and open up and be trusting.
But also don't then jump on the telling them what
to do. But just in an over a period of time,
they will start to trust you, and maybe then they

(30:15):
will also trust you around this area if they already
see that you are most of the time like listening
and compassionate and you love them as they are.

Speaker 1 (30:25):
Yeah, that's a great place first, and do thank you
so much for being here. Thank you for sharing your
story and talking about something that's very difficult to talk about,
your journey. Check out all of her stuff. It's amazing.
Opposite in the description of this podcast, but for those
in recovery or wanting to get into recovery, I think
this is a great first step. So thank you so much.

Speaker 3 (30:46):
Yeah, thank you so much, and thank you for this opportunity.
And yeah, I'm honored to be here. Yeah, thank you.

Speaker 1 (30:56):
I was searching social media to find another person to
talk about this topic with, and I found Tory Payton's page.
She was talking about her experience with an eating disorder
and the entire experience, and she's really trying to help
people go through the experience alone, which is or not
go through the experience alone, which the whole purpose of

(31:17):
this podcast is to talk about hard topics and hopes
that people feel less alone. So it was the perfect
matchup when I saw you, so Tory, thank you for joining,
thanks for being here.

Speaker 2 (31:28):
Oh my gosh, thank you for reaching out. I'm so
happy to talk about such an important and not often
discussed topic, especially in the days of ozembic and the
lack of body positivity. So I'm really excited.

Speaker 1 (31:41):
Yes, we are in a strange time right now. It's
like the fluctuation. Sometimes it's up and everybody's body positive,
and then we go back down. And it's the culture
shift that keeps moving and flowing. And that I had
an episode with an incredibly intelligent woman named Lindsay Kite,
and she studied this entire structure of what it looks

(32:05):
like for a body image in the way that it
shaped us in women's culture, and it's what wanted me
to do this episode specifically on disordered eating because it's
such an important topic. So, toy, we're going to start
diving in super deep right away. But tell me about you.
Tell me about your disordered eating journey. Where this all

(32:25):
started for you.

Speaker 2 (32:27):
Oh my goodness. Okay, So honestly, I think it started
when I was seven. I'm pretty open talking about all
the different traumatic things I've gone through, just because I
think in talking about them, I could replain my own story.
And so when I was seven, I was actually sexually assaulted,
and from that moment on, I just had a really

(32:48):
complicated relationship with my body. It caused me to have
just this feeling of disconnection and this feeling like I
always in some ways needed to punish my body. I
don't know exactly how to to describe that in super
articulate language, but it was just like a way of
navigating the world that felt very disconnected. And so I
ended up becoming an athlete. Throughout high school I played

(33:11):
competitive volleyball, and then into college I played competitive volleyball,
and once I quit volleyball I was about nineteen or
twenty years old. I didn't end up finishing volleyball because
I got injured, and once I quit, I just had
no idea, like how to exist. I had been pushing
my body for so hard for so long, and through
that fueling super adequately, making sure I wanted to be

(33:33):
the best at my sport, and so from the fueling perspective,
everything was good until I stopped playing, and then I
was like, I have no idea how I'm supposed to exist,
Like I'm not an athlete anymore. I don't have an
athlete's body, Like what type of body am I supposed
to have? And so naturally I went to social media
to see what the other girls were doing at that time,

(33:55):
and a lot of them were like skinny white sorority girls,
to be honest, and so so I thought, that's who
I'm supposed to be, Like, that is what a feminine
woman at this time means, that's what she looks like.
And so I did my absolute artist to lose as
much weight as I possibly can in as short a
period of time as I possibly could. So when I

(34:17):
was twenty years old, I think I dropped thirty or
forty pounds just really quickly. And from there what started
is like wanting to lose weight to look good became
a really deep and dark obsession that lasted five years,
and it wasn't until May of twenty twenty three that
I was like, you know what, I have to make

(34:39):
a change. Like I'm twenty five. I feel like I
haven't lived any of my twenties because I'm so obsessed
with my body, with managing food, and I don't want
to live anymore. Like it got to that point, like
a lot of times we don't think about the implications
of restriction and the point it can get your body
and your mind too. But yeah, I just I didn't

(35:00):
want to keep going, and so two years ago I
chose to recover. Since then, it's been ups and downs,
but mainly just feeling so grateful for just like words
don't really describe. I'm just very grateful for having been
at the lowest of possible lowst now having hope and
not just having hope, but being able to share it
with other people, Like it is such a gift, and

(35:21):
I'm so grateful. However weird it sounds to have gone
through that so that I can help other.

Speaker 3 (35:27):
People through it.

Speaker 1 (35:28):
The craziest thing about disordered eating stories. I have another
person who's on this episode with you, and the vast
difference is there isn't a one size fits all when
it comes to this and what it looks like and
how it appears and hers was this natural progression. But
what I can notice is a lot of it is

(35:50):
societal influence, like outside of your really horrible experience, which
breaks my heart for you, but something that then set
you even further on a different path. It's just heartbreaking
to think that started this for you. But looking at
bigger picture in this particular moment in question, I want

(36:12):
to go down. This societal impact is something that is
really difficult for us to understand and address. You're sitting
here and able to say I saw this, and this
is what this looked like, and I can see that now.
But when you were in it, were you ever thinking, oh,
this is not actually probably very healthy, or this is
not what I should be doing. Was there ever this

(36:34):
battle that you were having internally or was it just
so clear cut like this is who I'm supposed to
be because that's who they are.

Speaker 2 (36:39):
Yeah, that's such a good question. I've actually been reflecting
on this a lot lately, just randomly and thinking about
how do we as women identify ourselves and I think
I've come to the conclusion that we either put ourselves
in two boxes because society tells us too, and one
is appearance and two is performance. I was so caught
up with on the volleyball side, fueling, like my ego,

(37:04):
my identity based off of how I was performing at volleyball.
So once that was gone, once my feeling of sense
of worth was gone from volleyball, I was like, Okay,
I don't have that, so now let me focus on appearance.
And if you go on social media today, you'll see
plenty of people on skinny Talk but also on Instagram
that are telling you a woman is supposed to be pretty,

(37:27):
like that is her role as a human being. You
need to be pretty, and you need to be soft spoken,
and you need to be kind and just all of
these expectations for women that really just put us in
a box and you're either the productivity girl or you're
the like, cute, pretty girl. And so yeah, I would

(37:48):
say one hundred percent, like during that time, because volleyball
was gone, I was like, Okay, it's all about how
I look at this point, and it's really scary that
I feel like we're at a point in history where
all that is like coming back again, where like the
skinny Influencer is in again. It's really terrifying for people
who are trying to recover or heal from those things.

Speaker 1 (38:09):
Right now, what has social media been like? You're mentioning
the skinny Influencer, and I love how you addressed what
I just said, and so thank you for going there.
I know all the things I'm going to ask you
about are just going to be deep and emotional.

Speaker 2 (38:23):
So we love deep and emotional.

Speaker 1 (38:26):
This is good. This is how we talk about these things.
You're talking about the Skinny Influencer as someone who went
through it and is now in the post side of it.
What is social media like for you? What is that
experience like for you? And making sure I don't know
if trigger it's the right word, or making sure that
you're just not impacted by social media in that same

(38:48):
way anymore.

Speaker 2 (38:49):
Oh my goodness. It is crazy recovering and going through
that process of healing your relationship with your body and
being on the other side of it for the moment
most part, and seeing how many things you thought were
normal that were actually disordered, like the what I eat
in a days where girls are eating literally an avocado

(39:09):
toast in a smoothie, and the fitness influencers that work
out at the gym multiple hours a day and barely eat,
or just the girls who are like constantly focused on
like being the absolute thinness that they can be. Like
all of these things I thought was so normal, and
I wanted the ads. I wanted to be super thin
and skinny and pretty, because not only is that what

(39:31):
society was telling me women should look like for women,
but like it told me that's how like men were
going to like me too, And so I was like, oh, okay,
like I have to look that way. And so now
being on the other side of it, I can take
a step back and be like, wow, that is actually insane.
Like you straight up we're trying to change everything about

(39:51):
you to fit this like box that isn't even going
to allow you to fulfill like your purposes and dreams
and amazing things in life. And so now I think
I'm easily can take a step back and be like
toy rein it in that's not for you. We know
where that led you, we know the path that took you.
You have to focus on what is your purpose on

(40:12):
this earth? And so super easy to compare. Yes, I
still get little triggers or like little comparison nudges, but
I always try to bring it back. So, Okay, comparison
is the thief of joy I have no idea what
their life is like behind the screen.

Speaker 3 (40:26):
What am I doing? Like?

Speaker 2 (40:27):
How am I helping people?

Speaker 3 (40:29):
Like?

Speaker 2 (40:29):
How am I making a difference in the world.

Speaker 1 (40:31):
Yeah, that's a good reminder for people to have because
social media. I work in it, it's my job. I
understand it on so many levels. But I am someone
who can look at it and say there's good and
there is bad, And that's just the commonality with social
media is understanding both of those sides. It's hard for

(40:54):
me to understand. So this is why I have people
like you that come on and share this. When you
were in this moment of just the very deep you
mentioned you were like at your lowest point. Yeah, what
was that moment like for you when this was all
happening and it was like finally came to its volcano?

Speaker 2 (41:14):
Yeah, I honestly need to like go through a period
of therapy where I can really just sit in how
horrible those five years were. To be honest, I'd block
it out because that's how bad it was. Every single
day I woke up, I had this voice in my
head screaming at me, telling me I needed to be skinnier.

(41:38):
I was worthless, I wasn't pretty enough. I needed to
control my food. And it essentially took away my health physically,
my health mentally, everything I liked about myself, my personality.
I lost friends. Every day was genuinely a living hell.
And I know that's not the experience for everyone with
disordered eating, but for me at this period where I

(41:59):
had a severe eating disorder, like it was just terrible
and so honestly, like everything just came to a head.
One night in May where I was alone at home.
I felt pretty isolated, because this stuff really isolates you,
and I was engaging in a bunch of negative behaviors
like binging and purging, and I was like, I think,

(42:22):
this is it. This is the moment. I was sitting
on the bathroom floor and I was like, this is
the moment where I change things and I decide I'm
going to try to live a good life and that
might mean putting on some weight or this is it,
and I'm just going to be done, Like I'm going
to let this disease consume me and essentially kill me,

(42:42):
because that's what eating disorders or like not fueling your
body will do, like physically to people. And so in
that moment, I just felt like a whisper honestly from
God because I'm a Christian, where he was just like,
you've got to change. This is not what I had
for you. This is not it. There's something so much
bigger for you out there, but you have to change.

(43:04):
I know you're terrified, but you have to.

Speaker 1 (43:08):
I've had my own personal super low moments, but hearing
you recount yours, I know how hard that darkness is.
Like it doesn't matter what that trouble was, but to
feel at your lowest moment, your darkest and you're like,
this is the end of my story, this is the
end of my life. I know that place is so

(43:30):
hard to then come back from. Even if you do
get that whisper, even if you do get that little
jolt saying hey, we have to change this, because not
only are you in this moment right here where it's
the darkest moment ever, but you have to climb out
of it. And the climb feels like Mount Everest. You're

(43:51):
never gonna get finished or get there. So now, going
from this lowest moment, what did your climb kind of
start to look like? From that bathroom floor and you
got this whipper and you're trying to figure out Okay,
I hear you, But what am I supposed to do
to change this?

Speaker 2 (44:10):
Yeah? I think I think in that moment that was
like I'm all in. I think everyone has to have
a moment where they're like, I'm all in. I'm not
going back. I just made a promise to myself that day,
I'm not going back to my eating disorder like I refuse.
And so ever since that day, it's been a slow

(44:32):
like pruning of myself where I'm just slowly taking out
the negative and slowly inserting the positive. And so it
wasn't like one day the next day I woke up
and everything was better. But the next day I woke
up and I was like, I'm not going back, and
I'm going to do whatever I can every day to
move one step forward. And I think anyone who's healing

(44:54):
from something like food and body image issues just know
that it's not a clear path forward. It's not like
one step every single day all the time. It might
be one step forward, five steps back, another five steps back,
and then ten steps forward, Like it's so messy because
we're in perfect human beings and it's just not going

(45:16):
to be a perfect linear journey. But the number one
thing that helped me the most was genuinely believing in
myself and being kind to myself. I know that sounds crazy,
I know it sounds very cliche, but for so long
I had that inner critic voice that I was listening to,
and it really just made me feel terrible about myself.

(45:36):
And so I decided from that low moment on the
one thing I would do is I would believe in myself,
and I would tell myself that I can do it,
because I truly believe in the power of your mind,
and you're like working towards just trying to reframe that
negative inner critic into a positive one in your mind
can do so much for you. And so I know

(45:58):
I touched on a bunch of different things, but that's
what I would say, Like, it wasn't just like a
snap and everything was good. It was just the long, slow,
tedious process of curiosity and grace to myself.

Speaker 1 (46:12):
And that's so important to recognize because healing is never
a linear journey. It's like circular and square and all
the geomatic shapes you want to come up with. That's
what healing looks like. And it's really important for people
to hear that from somebody who went through it. So
thanks for sharing that. And also it's not crazy at
all that you were talking about the positive mindset and

(46:34):
understanding and believing yourself. One of our biggest tools as
human beings is like recognizing the power and strength we
have within ourselves to do something. And to your point,
mindset matters, and we hear it and it sounds to
everybody so wou We're like, oh your mind, Yeah, no,
that doesn't matter, but it does. Like at the end

(46:54):
of the day, your brain is part of your body
and it's trying to help you. So super powerful stuff
right there as you're going through these maybe it was
on the front end, that very low moment, maybe on
the healing side. What's something you wish you would have
known sooner throughout this entire process, Like something if somebody's
going through it right now and you're like, dang, I

(47:15):
wish me at that moment could have known this. What
would that look like for you? To tell someone else.

Speaker 2 (47:23):
Yeah, I think honestly, waking can be such a big
fear with people when they're recovering from something like disordered
eating or eating disorders. And I just wanted that girl
to know, who was like terrified for five years of
gaining weight, that it's really not that big of a deal.
And I know that sounds so just like I'm throwing

(47:45):
off people's fears and saying they're not important. That's not
what I mean at all. I just mean, like the
life that you're going to get is just no comparison
to the weight that you're going to gain. Like your
life is going to be so much fuller and better
and personality, your personality will come back, relationships will be healed,
Like things will be so much better. And I wish

(48:08):
i'd told that girl who was so timid to start healing,
like things genuinely will get better. Like recovery and healing
is way better even the worst day than the best
day you ever had when you were struggling.

Speaker 1 (48:22):
That's so powerful. You mentioned the moments where you would
take five steps forward and ten steps back or vice versa.
I want someone to hear your words very much so
in this process because there's probably going to be a
lot of people out there that are listening and would
want to give up in the process of healing, and

(48:44):
sometimes hearing somebody else have these just very normal human moments.
So if I'm not perfect and I went through this
and it was all across the board, is really important
to hear, especially when they're either choosing to start to
heal or in the process of healing or considering it.
Can you walk through a little bit for someone who's

(49:05):
maybe in one of those spaces and they're like, gosh,
I just I don't think I'm ready for that battle.

Speaker 2 (49:12):
Yeah, I would say, honestly, the most helpful thing during
my process was just remembering what I was fighting for.
If you don't know what you're fighting for, then it's
going to be a pointless battle. You're not fighting to
make sure that your therapist or your dietitian feels good
about the progress you've made. You're not fighting so that

(49:36):
your family and friends won't be worried about you anymore.
And you're not fighting for other comments from other people
about like how healthy you look and like how much
better life looks on you. You're really fighting for your
true self that is what healing is about. It's connecting
with your authentic true self and exploring, like who that
person is. I had no idea because I was so

(49:59):
upset with like my eating disorder, with my body, Like
I had no idea who I was, especially in my twenties,
Like when I'm supposed to be figuring out like my
identity and who I am, I had no clue. And
so so much of my healing journey I would hold
on to no, I'm fighting to connect with that person,
to give her the life she deserves, and like to

(50:22):
find the things that really truly make me happy in
this life. And so I will say there were times
when I would wake up and I was like, I
have absolutely no motivation today to do anything pro recovery
to help myself in any way. And the only thing
that kept me going was that, like I wanted to
feed that true self. Every day, you're either feeding shame,

(50:43):
you're feeding going backwards, you're feeding like that negative side,
that negative inner critic, or you're feeding your authentic true self.
So I think if you can just take a step
back and think about what is the actual battle happening here,
I think it's easy to be like Oh yeah, I'm
just like, I'm just eating food or I'm just exercising.

(51:03):
Like we can get very nitpicky and like physical about it,
but no, it's honestly spiritual. This is about who you
are and fighting for who you are. So that really
kept me going.

Speaker 1 (51:12):
I think, yeah, and oh my goodness, that's important for
most things in life too, because we like to think
that whenever we recover from something, or we start healing
or we start growing, that we're doing it for somebody
else or something else. Yeah, when really the journey should
be about you and your experience and helping you. So

(51:33):
that's good advice for everything. But I'm so glad I
had you go down that road in the beginning of
this too. You share the starting point of your story,
which was a very unfortunate traumatic situation that happened to you.
Did you also have to heal that aspect and what
happened to you to start to heal your disordered eating habits?

(51:55):
Was that kind of coincided together or were they separated?
Because this is the first situation and story that I've
heard where something like that has spearheaded a situation in
a path for somebody. So I'm curious to know because
I am positive it's probably and unfortunately not uncommon. So
I would love to know what that experience was like

(52:16):
for you in case somebody else out there may have
something similar happening.

Speaker 2 (52:19):
Yeah, as I've learned and grown over the past couple
of years in this space, like I would argue that
all of our hurts or our negative habits, like an addiction,
like an eating disorder, really is fostered from originally from trauma.
And it doesn't have to be anything like capital t
trauma like I experienced. It can be something as small

(52:40):
as like a comment that was made to you when
you were very young, or maybe a parent did something
when you were younger and punished you in a way
that like wasn't ideal, and so that just for whatever reason,
your brain stuck onto that and it was very traumatic.
Trauma also isn't what happens to us, it's how we
interpret those events, and so our brain can be eat
really impacted by little and big things that happen to us.

(53:04):
And so I think if you find yourself in a
space of disordered eating or in the eating disorder a
lot of the time, like the work that you have
to do is reflecting on the past and the past
traumas and how that impacted your sense of identity, because
these disorders, at the end of the day, are all
about identity. They're about like control and where you're putting

(53:26):
your sense of self. And I think when we have
a sense of self that is rooted in my worth
is unchanging, like no matter what I do in this life,
I have inherent self worth. When we have that perspective,
it's harder for trauma or those little things to come
in and dig at us and dig it our core.

(53:46):
Whereas like when we do let those things impact us,
we can go to all these negative habits for a
sense of control, for a sense of identity and purpose.
I would say most people who struggle with eating disorders,
disordered eating, like we talked about societal impacts, they're looking
to society to tell them that they're worthy because they're
small enough, and they're worthy because they're pretty enough. And

(54:08):
so when you have that inherent sense of self worth
and work through those past traumatic events, I think that's
when the real healing begins, Like at the root of
all these issues, the full healing happens.

Speaker 1 (54:19):
I am a big believer in fighting for the root
cause of anything when it comes to issues, and it
sounds like that is very much a similar way to
heal a similar situation like yours. So thank you for
getting into that. Yeah, I do want to look at
your life now, because we talked about social media and
how that can have some triggering moments, and you've done

(54:42):
really well to work through those. Well, what about in
everyday life? Like I'm picturing two friends, one has gone
through a similar experience to yours, ones like me who
can understand and be there, but I may not quite
be able to put myself in your shoes. So how
can someone and like me better do that for people
like you in everyday life? What are experiences that happen

(55:05):
in everyday life that could be triggering or that could
be hurtful that would not help someone like you on
their journey to constantly healing and doing better.

Speaker 2 (55:16):
I love this question, and I think in what you're
talking about, it's not just being like proactive and dealing
with people who have had eating disorders in the past.
It's also being proactive in the sense of we don't
want to trigger anyone and cause a future eating disorder
for them either. And so I think just being very
mindful of like first and foremost. This might be obvious
to some people, but body comments like that is not helpful.

(55:39):
So it's hells someone Oh it looks like you lost
a little bit of weight, or wow, it looks like
you've gained weight. Like neither of those things is helpful information.
It doesn't tell you anything about the identity of that person.
It just tells you about the shell and the shape
and size of their shell. I would also say making
sure that like you're fueling properly your own people. I

(56:01):
know this is again that might seem obvious, but a
lot of girls, like even when you go to breakfast
in a coffee shop, a lot of girls will just
be like, you know what, I'm just gonna grab coffee.
I don't need to eat. And it's crazy because little
things like that can actually be things that make other
girls like me like self conscious, and it's not I
do want to be careful. It's not anyone else's responsibility

(56:23):
to not trigger me, Like my recovery is my own
and I have to protect it and know what's best
for me. But I think as empathetic human beings, we
should want to protect the people around us, and so
obviously on the body side, like not making comments on
the food side, like fueling adequately and properly, and not
making comments about food or what other people are eating.

(56:45):
And then I think, too, like this one is small,
but it's something I've really tried to be more intentional about.
Is even commenting in general about appearance. I know this
might sound a little bit nuanced, but you can say
you like some one's dress, or you can say you
love their style or their outfit. But do you need
to say, oh, my gosh, that dress brings out your

(57:06):
figure or oh my gosh, like your boobs look so
good in that. I don't know why, as human beings
we feel the need to pick apart people's bodies and
somehow compliment them or insult them based off of how
their body looks, like just all of that in general,
Like I want to see humans for who they are, Like,
I don't want to just see them as that person
exists in a bigger body, or that person looks terrible

(57:27):
because they're way too skinny. That doesn't serve anybody. So
I think doing your absolute best to just take a
step back and be like, Okay, how do I view people?
Do I view them based off of appearance or like
how they look at any point in time, or am
I viewing them as a human as someone deserving of
respect and who has inherent worth. I think that's just

(57:48):
a really helpful perspective to have, like in general, and
I even practice on TV shows by the way, like
I used to always comment like, oh my gosh, that
guy's so hot or like a girls so hot and whatever.
I try to take a stuck back and I'm like,
what do I like about their character? What do I
like about their impact in the show? And again that
might seem crazy to some people, but it really does

(58:09):
rewire your brain and how you view other people, which
is really cool.

Speaker 1 (58:14):
And this question really brings out the compassion of human beings. Right,
we have gotten away a little bit from having compassion
for others. And of course, is there moments of inconvenience
and being compassionate and empathetic, Yeah, of course there are.
But it's more important for me to be inconvenience than
somebody else just for the sake of understanding somebody else's story.

(58:36):
And you and I seem very in the same mindset
with that, and the idea of how that is. But
it's always why I like asking questions like that in
regards to hard topics, because even having this conversation in
somebody sitting here and hearing it, it just might make
them think a little bit twice before they say or
do something, because it's really easy to go about our

(58:59):
own lives and think about the things that other people
have gone through. Of course, right, everybody's lives are really difficult,
but it's also part of being a human being is
having compassion for others and understand that everybody's going through stuff.
So what you said is really important. And I also
think it's very important in girlfriend groups guy friend groups too,
they just start not as unfortunately equipped to talk about

(59:22):
these emotional things, and women tend to go in this direction.
So it's not gender specific, but more often than not,
women are the ones who are sitting there having these
conversations or not eating. And I've been at I cannot
tell you how many dinners where somebody is eating and
it doesn't matter all. I'm probably her. I'm the one who's, yeah,
give me eight apps, I don't care, let me have

(59:42):
all of it. And then I have another friend who's
I just would like a salad and I'm like, what
are we doing? No, we are eating. This is a
girl's dinner. And I try to be encouraging, but I
also know that in general can be triggering because you're
trying to help but you don't really know if it's
helping or not. You're just not sure because it's part
of that. But I think so much of what you

(01:00:04):
said is in regards to just being compassionate and having
a little bit of care intact when we handle things
that could potentially be sensitive.

Speaker 2 (01:00:13):
Yeah, and I think too if you have friends, Like,
something that is so important to me is female community,
like women supporting and uplifting other women. And when I
tell you one of the best parts of my healing
journey was my best friend and I were always really close,
but just realizing throughout this, through the weight gain, through
me looking different at different periods of time, she liked

(01:00:35):
me more the more weight I gained, because I got
my personality back like she liked me, and like I
could literally cry talking about it because like it just
meant so much. Your friends don't care what you look like.
Your friends care about you, true friends, true friends care
about you. And I think that's beautiful and so encouraging
for people who are struggling because you don't have to

(01:00:58):
try so hard.

Speaker 1 (01:01:00):
Just be you.

Speaker 2 (01:01:01):
Like you asked me earlier, what advice would I give,
It's genuinely just be you, to row off all the expectations,
the need for appearances and just try to find out
who you are and like run full speed ahead with
that person.

Speaker 1 (01:01:14):
Like and to your point, so much of what I
receive on social media because I'm a huge foodie. I
love food, like big fan. I will post about everything,
and I love like I just like eating food. I
like enjoying what I'm eating, even I even when I'm
eating healthier. I'm like, how can I make like I
just did it the other day. I turned puppy chow

(01:01:35):
from checks to blueberries. I'm like, okay, well healthier.

Speaker 3 (01:01:38):
That sounds good, And I was.

Speaker 1 (01:01:40):
Like, this is healthier, but I'm still getting what I
want out of this, which is like an enjoyable experience.
But it's so funny the comments that are constantly coming.
You eat so much food, how are you still so small?
I'm like, guys, one, you're not seeing me work out
all the time because I don't feel the need you
have to see it, and two I have decently healthy gens.
So let's also this is all relative. But also why

(01:02:02):
are you commenting on how much I'm eating just because
I really love food? Even like just the comments around
food and exercise, not just about our looks, which we
touched on, but it's anything in general that could insinuate
any direction about somebody's experience in their life. And it's

(01:02:23):
it is nuanced to your point, like it is right,
these are the nitty gritty details.

Speaker 2 (01:02:27):
I love what you just said, like I wish I
could bottle it up, because I think to your point,
it is about appearance in some ways, but it is
what I was talking about, the performance aspect. It's almost
like food and exercise have been moral deciders of it
if we are good enough in society or not. Like
how well we perform as women is based off of

(01:02:48):
like how much you work out and how hell do
you eat? And I think that's psychotic. Nothing about me
as a person, like I could literally be a criminal,
but like I'm cool because I'm skinny and eat healthy
food and work out a lot, like it makes me me.

Speaker 1 (01:03:05):
It is true, it's honestly, now that you said it
out loud, it's like the Ted Bundy thing. Everybody finds
Ted Bundy super attractive, but like guys, he's a horrible
human being, horrible you know, pop culture as well. But
it reminded me of that when you're talking about that.
And we could go down this rabbit hole all day
and I love it, but I always like to end

(01:03:25):
on something that's either whether it's motivational or advice, or
something that maybe we didn't touch on that you really
want to make sure people hear. So I'm gonna give
you the floor and you can in this how you
feel like super passionate about.

Speaker 3 (01:03:38):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:03:39):
I think the biggest like superpower I'm going to use
that word is throughout your entire healing journey is leaning
into grace and leaning away from shame. I truly believe that,
like we have a negative inner critic in our head
that is going to want us to embrace shame, to
tell us that if we make mistake or if we're

(01:04:01):
not doing something perfectly, we should punish ourselves or we
should just give up altogether, and that people around us
are ashamed of us. And I just don't think that's true.
That's one narrative that part of your brain is telling you.
I think we really need to lean into the narrative
of grace and of curiosity, because that is the only
way you'll get better. You're not going to get better
shaming yourself. You're not going to get better saying I

(01:04:23):
wish i'd done that, I should have done that. You're
going to get better by being your number one, biggest
cheerleader and advocating for yourself. And I wholeheartedly believe that
because I was seen in my own journey months in
which I would fall into a deep depression because I
was so ashamed of XYZ and then pulling myself out
of it because I was like, you know what, No,

(01:04:44):
that's going to lead me to death and destruction in
my brain like I have to be positive. I have
to fight for myself and for my happiness and be
my best friend. I truly believe that. So yeah, I
think that's the last thing I would say to people.

Speaker 1 (01:04:59):
Oh that's so good. You gave us so many great
bits of wisdom and understanding. Thank you for walking us
through your whole experience and sharing things to help others
while they go through or are on this through or
in the same situation you are. I just really appreciate
your vulnerability and being here with me today.

Speaker 2 (01:05:17):
Thank you so much for having me. This was awesome.

Speaker 1 (01:05:20):
As always, I'm so happy you're here listening to these
episodes and taking in everything so that if you're on
a similar journey, hopefully this is the start of a
new one. Subscribe to the podcast or follow on Instagram
at Take This Personally. You can DM me on there
if you have any questions or want a topic discussed,
or just want to say hi, Thanks, friends, I love you.

Speaker 2 (01:05:38):
Bye.