Jon Stewart calls out NJ Senator Robert Menendez for not using his position in government to make bank on the stock market like all his fellow lawmakers. Plus, Desi Lydic unpacks Biden's presidential debate challenge to Trump.
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central. We're getting into the news.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
As you know, the fascinating penis themed trial of Professor
Donald Bartholomew Trump continued today. What you might not know
is that it is not the only salacious, high level
government official trial going on today, because right across the
street in New York's famed public corruption district, New Jersey
(00:35):
Democratic Senator Robert Menendez.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
My god, Menendez turned heel.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
They're not booing, They're well, they were booing. Yes, that's
he faced his first day of reckoning.
Speaker 3 (00:51):
Federal prosecutors alleged the former chair of the powerful Senate
Foreign Relations Committee conspired with his wife, Nadine, to accept
bribes from a trial of wealthy businessmen in exchange for
political favors to help the governments of Cutter and Egypt.
Speaker 4 (01:06):
The powerful senator allegedly pressured the Department of Agriculture to
help an associate maintain a monopoly on the importation of
halal meat to the United States.
Speaker 5 (01:27):
I don't mean to get sentimental here, but in what
other country in the world can a Cuban American senator
were canned in hand with an Egyptian born businessman to
corner the halal meat market, living in America.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
But yes, Senator Menendez is accused of using his access
and influence as a senator to illegally help a variety
of shady governments and clients.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
But what have us? Do we really have?
Speaker 4 (02:02):
Federal agents search the Menendez home in June twenty twenty two,
finding over four hundred and eighty thousand dollars in cash.
Speaker 6 (02:10):
Two bags filled with one hundred thousand dollars each, one
hundred thousand dollars worth of gold bars Hayman's toward a mortgage.
Speaker 7 (02:17):
The Mercedes Benz convertible.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Furniture, exercise equipment, even an air purifier, four boots stuffed.
Speaker 6 (02:24):
With cash, cash even found in the senator's embroidered congressional jacket.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Sacrilege, cash in the lining of a congressional jacket, which.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Oddly enough is reversible.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
But the money is in his house, and his jacket,
in his boots, he's lining in his pockets, but none
of it ties the money to Menendez or Egypt.
Speaker 6 (02:54):
The indictment says, upon returning from one trip to Egypt,
Menendez performed a web search for how much as one
kilo of gold worth?
Speaker 1 (03:15):
Damn you?
Speaker 8 (03:16):
Metric system.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
I would have gotten away with the two who went
for your meddling kids in your base ten system of
measurements and weights.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
There could be a lot of reasonable, benign.
Speaker 9 (03:34):
Explanations for why a senator's house would be stuffed with
cash and gold bars, home heating insulation perhaps, or.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Something stupider.
Speaker 10 (03:49):
According to The New York Times, his lawyers now offering
a new explanation as to why he had thousands of
dollars in gold in cash in his home. They say
that the habit is rooted in traumatic family history.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
These are simply my emotional support gold balls whenever I
am Whenever I am not with them, I get anxious.
People respond to trauma in different ways.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Now, when it comes to any trial, the first step,
of course, and we've seen this play out endless times,
finding an impartial jury.
Speaker 11 (04:31):
Defense attorneys have proposed asking perspective jurors if they have
opinions about people from New Jersey, and do they think
that because they are from New Jersey that they're more
likely to break the law.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
You motherfucks, you bury one union leader at your football
stadium whilst running a human organ trafficking ring through some
secauca's rabbis, and suddenly a whole state is a suspect.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
You believe this tone? Huh tone? You believe this anti
New Jersey discrimination, That's what it is.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
So obviously this is shaping up to be one of
the more cartoonishly blatant corruption cases in some time. Jersey
guy with gold bars stuffed in his jacket and a
nice freezer of some halal meets anything else that might
speak to the general character of this United States.
Speaker 3 (05:44):
Senator Menendez has denied any wrongdoing. According to court filings,
his lawyers indicate he may try to blame his wife.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
Yes, it's those three magic words that every woman is
dying to hear.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
It was her, she did it. You know.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
I feel a lot worse for her if she wasn't
also demonstrably a terrible person.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
But perhaps read up on it.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
Perhaps I can't explain everything right now.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
I'll just say this an awful.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
But perhaps the dumbest thing about this entire not quite
believable Real Housewives episode is how unnecessary it all is. You, sir,
are an elected official in America's most respected legislative body.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
It's like a license to print money. You don't need
to break the.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
Law so cartoonishly when the legal corruption in the Senate
so fucking lucrative, Which brings us to our new segment,
Senator Robert Menendez, how dumb is you, as a New
(07:17):
Jersey resident, as a constituent of yours? Senator Menendez, I
have to ask, with all due respect, how dumb is
you promising favors to foreign entities for a little chump.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
Change on the side. It's bush league when as.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
A US Senator you can enrich yourself in so many
different let's call them legal ways.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
For instance, the stock.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
Market, members of Congress's stock portfolios consistently beat the SMP
five hundred.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
The average hedge fund was beating the market at seven percent.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
The study found that the average US senator was beating
a stock market by twelve percent.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
The average US senator.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
And if you think it's because the average US senator
is just so smart, this is the average US Senator
Tommy Tupperville, an ex football coach who doesn't know the
three branches of government. Oh, but when it comes to
the stock market, he sees the matrix.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
How do they do it well?
Speaker 2 (08:24):
The secret is a shrewd understanding of the intricate interconnectivity
of global markets.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
I'm kidding, they have inside information.
Speaker 12 (08:33):
California Congressman Democrat the named Alan Lowenthal, his wife sold
cheers of Boeing March fifth of twenty twenty. The very
next day, the committee on which he serves in the
House released a damaging report on the Boeing seven thirty seven.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
Max, Oh my god, what timing you see that?
Speaker 2 (08:53):
See the rest of us only find out about Boeing's
problems as we're being sucked out of the fuselage meg
flight to flying out over the wings.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
You're flying in the air over the wags. Sal Sal.
I don't think they're good. And it happens all the time.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
North Carolina Senator Richard Burke received a private briefing in
twenty twenty about how bad the COVID pandemic was going
to be for America, and he immediately sold off his stocks,
saving himself a small fortune. Of course, he had a
reasonable explanation.
Speaker 6 (09:36):
We wanted to ask you about those stock trades americ
in February of twenty twenty. You know, the SEC says
that you had a material non public information when you
made those trades.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
I did look at what you put out. How is
that not insider training.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
I'm so sorry, sir, I wanted to answer your question
if there.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
Was a button that kept these elevator doors open. By
the way, for.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
Those of you at home who don't have a gold
plated elevator, you can avoid these types of questions yourself
just by pretending to take the stairs.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Oh, I'm sorry, I can't believe tell you that I
must go.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
I'll take an elevator back home. I would do that
bit more, but my knees as soon as I did
the first one, because I didn't do it in rehearsal.
I did it just now, and I was like, that's
not a good idea. That's one of those who were like,
(10:36):
stop the taping and pull me back out.
Speaker 10 (10:41):
Now.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
You might be wondering yourself, how does Congress get away
with all this? Well, it may be because Congress is
regulated by let me check my notes, Congress, and it's
Congress that has refused to even hold a vote on
the bills that have been proposed to ban members of
Congress from trading stocks, because not letting members of Congress
insider trade.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
Would be un American.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
Just listen to one of the biggest beneficiaries of this
stock windfall.
Speaker 10 (11:07):
You should members of the Congress, and there's thousands feed
ban from trading individual stocks while serving in Congress.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
Now, I don't know to the second mind, this is
a free market in people.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
We are free market economy.
Speaker 8 (11:20):
They should be able to participate in.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
That ah free market. Excuse me, misfigure. I don't mean
to interrupt. I'm a Martha Seward from the Why did
I go to jail Times?
Speaker 1 (11:28):
Figure? Why did I go to jail? But here's the thing.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
In a free market, everyone has access to the same information.
So unless you're going to put all of us on
the committees, I don't get it now. To be fair,
Congress does have rules against corruption. Members of Congress are
not allowed to receive what might be viewed as enticements
or bribes from obvious no free concert tickets. They cannot
accept food, baked good sandwiches.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Et cetera. It just would not be proper.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
But in Congress's infinite wisdom, they do allow organizations to
set up what are called leadership packs, where a congressperson
can turn political donations from lobbyists into slush funds. A
pharma lobbyist cannot buy a senator a panini and some
niquill but through the pack they can pay for five
(12:18):
star hotels for Kirsten jillibrand luxury resorts for Ted Cruz,
and even golf lessons for Rand Paul. It's all in
Einriein's famous book at Liz Puttage.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
It's corruption.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
Really, that's milliterate crowd. I read that in Cottage Jackson.
This is corruption in plain sight. We won't accept gifts,
but if I want to have a luxury experience and
you would like to pay for it and then join
me on set experience where we can discuss issues important
(12:55):
to you and your industry, Who's the wiser, right, Senator
Mike Lee of Utah.
Speaker 8 (13:01):
Shortly after this slope side lunch for twenty two friends,
we decided to ask Senator Mike Lee and just why
he's doing this.
Speaker 13 (13:10):
Politicians raise funds, and this is what we do.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
I just want you like this. I enjoy skab and
thank you very much. Yeah, thanks a lot.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
From now on, I am ending every uncomfortable conversation I
ever have about anything with I enjoys gay.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
Good day. But but.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
Our luxury lobbying vacation is still too much work, Senator Menendez,
because you could always write laws that directly benefit your
side business, like the way Senator Chuck Grassley netted three
hundred and seventy thousand dollars in farm subsidies, or the
five point three million dollars the California Rep. Doug LaMalfa
got for his gentleman farm. And by the way, for
(13:56):
that much money, you better be growing actual gentlemen. It's
all legal and not a gold bar in sight. Or
you can leverage your stature and government to get lucrative
lobbying positions for your wife and your three kids, like
Missouri Senator Roy Blunt.
Speaker 13 (14:16):
I don't even understand why that would be a question.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
Everybody's family.
Speaker 5 (14:21):
My father was a corporate lobbyist, like his father and
his father before whom.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
Yes, everybody's family does something.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
For instance, your daughter might receive unusually green lighted Chinese patents,
or your son in law might receive billions and no
questions asked Saudi Investment, or your son might get a
lucrative seat on a corporate board.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
Let's hear Hunter explain that one away.
Speaker 4 (14:46):
If your last name was in Biden, do you think
you would have been asked to be on the board
of Barisma I don't know.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
I don't know, probably not.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
Holy shit, all the senators and representatives who dodged and
prevaricated and wouldn't answer any questions. You know you're in
trouble when the most honest and transparent person in a
story of government corruption is the ex crackhead. Yeah, now
(15:20):
you mightn't.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
I don't know if I like John Stewart anymore. Malliam.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Now you might think someone should step in and stop
Congress from being able to enrich themselves.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
Perhaps a Supreme Court.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Well, it come as no surprise that the same guys
who think it's fine to accept a luxury winnebago from
a wealthy businessman have made it much harder to police corruption.
In a decision called McDonald versus the United States, they
said that the appearance of corruption is not nearly enough
for it to be considered against the law.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
It must be.
Speaker 7 (16:02):
This very narrow quid pro quo idea.
Speaker 14 (16:04):
You know, I'm going to give you kind of like
a cartoonish sack of money in exchange for an actual vote.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Whilst twirling my handlebar mustache at every turn.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
Our Congress and our courts have been given a choice
be less corrupt or redefine what constitutes corruption and get
on with your bad selves. It's a game of reverse limbo.
Having trouble getting under the bar of corruption we've set, well,
(16:37):
how about now? Robert Menendez's gold bars in exchange for
favorable legislation is obviously cartoonishly corrupt. But for anyone out
there who thinks the status quo of government, patronage and
influence is of an entirely different species than Menendez, how
(16:57):
dumb is you.
Speaker 14 (17:07):
Let's begin with King Charles, the undisputed winner of white privilege.
It's been one year since he was crowned eldest Boy,
and he just got the photos.
Speaker 13 (17:17):
Developed mixed reaction this afternoon on the portrait just unveiled
of King Charles.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
Take a look.
Speaker 13 (17:24):
It is the first since his coronation. The oil on
canvas work of art features the King dressed in all
red with a red background.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
He's wearing the uniform of the Welsh Guards.
Speaker 13 (17:35):
But there's also a butterfly landing over his right shoulder.
Speaker 14 (17:40):
Oh, I just remembered I have to buy tampons.
Speaker 7 (17:46):
Tampons now.
Speaker 14 (17:48):
Obviously, this is a pretty big departure from other portraits
of the royal family. For example, Queen Elizabeth was often
painted with her beloved corgies. Compare that to Charles, who
looks like he was painted with her corgies. Once Christy
Nome was finished with I do like having the butterfly there.
Though it says I may be King of England, but
(18:10):
I still love that song that goes, come my Lady,
Come Come Malady, Yoma butterpla sugar Baby. It's a great song.
It's a really great song, still holds up. Now, clearly
this painting has gotten a lot of negative feedback, but
King Charles swears that he loves the portrait, which probably
means he's having an affair with another portrait on the side.
(18:33):
But let's move on from a leader who struggled with
infidelity to a leader who has no problem with it
at all. Donald Trump, There's been a lot of news
on the campaign trail today, so let's get right into
another edition of Indecision twenty twenty four.
Speaker 7 (18:56):
It looks like.
Speaker 14 (18:57):
Today was going to be a quiet day on the
campaign trail Wednesday, so Donald Trump had the day off
from his porn star hush money trial, which he was
going to spend trying to guess Milania's new phone number,
but his arch nemesis, Joe Biden, had other plans.
Speaker 10 (19:13):
And breaking news just moments ago, President Biden throws down
the gauntlet and frankly, some shade to Donald Trump, challenging
him to a debate.
Speaker 15 (19:21):
Donald Trump lost two debates to me in twenty twenty.
San Sandy hadn't shown.
Speaker 16 (19:24):
Up for debate.
Speaker 15 (19:25):
Now he's acting like he wants to debate me again.
Will make my day, pal, I'll even do it twice.
Let's pick the das Donald. I hear you're free on Wednesdays.
Speaker 11 (19:37):
Shit.
Speaker 14 (19:38):
Yeah, So that's the Joe Biden I know, and moderately
like he scared to nothing besides natural causes. I got
to admit there was part of me that thought Joe
Biden would be afraid to debate Donald Trump, because you know,
debating involves a lot of talking and think and standing.
(20:01):
But whooa, the way that he powered through that fourteen
second video makes me think he's got this.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
Now.
Speaker 14 (20:09):
I don't know exactly why he dropped this challenge. Now,
maybe he heard all those stories about Trump sleeping through
the trial and thought I can take this guy.
Speaker 7 (20:16):
We're on the same map schedule.
Speaker 14 (20:19):
But come on, Trump, skipped every primary debate like it
was for play. There's no way he's going to accept
Biden's challenge.
Speaker 13 (20:27):
The former president responded to that video this morning on
truth Social saying, just tell me.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
When I'll be there. Let's get ready to rumble.
Speaker 7 (20:35):
Oh shit, it's on. Yeah, let's get ready to rumble.
Make my day. I see dead people.
Speaker 14 (20:46):
I want you to draw me like one of your
French girls.
Speaker 7 (20:50):
Wednesdays, we wear pink. Welcome to Jurassic Park. Yeah, we're
making moves now.
Speaker 14 (20:58):
Biden and Trump have a agreed to debate, but they
still need to agree on a date and a host,
and those logistics don't just come together within forty five minutes.
Speaker 10 (21:08):
President Joe Biden and Donald Trump have just accepted CNN's
invitation to hold a debate on June twenty seventh.
Speaker 1 (21:16):
That's just been a few weeks.
Speaker 14 (21:18):
Wow, okay, June twenty seventh, Joe Biden is going to
be debating Donald Trump.
Speaker 7 (21:26):
Yay, I can't wait to watch like this. But yeah,
everything moved so quickly.
Speaker 14 (21:45):
Biden dropped that video and by noon they had scheduled
two debates. It's amazing how when they want to do
something they can get it done super fast. That kind
of makes you wonder why they don't fix other problems
this fast.
Speaker 7 (21:59):
But whatever, you'll enjoy it now.
Speaker 14 (22:02):
Obviously, there are still details to be worked out, because
even though Joe Biden said make my day, he really
meant make my day subject to terms and conditions.
Speaker 17 (22:11):
The Biden campaign wants the debate to occur inside a
TV studio with microphones that automatically cut off when a
speaker's time limit ellapses, and they want it to be
just the two candidates and the moderator, without the raucous
in person audiences that mister Trump feeds on, and without
the participation of Robert F. Kennedy Junior or other independent
(22:36):
or third party candidates.
Speaker 14 (22:38):
Yeah, I get where Biden's coming from on this. You
don't want crowds because they give Donald Trump energy, and
you don't want rfk Junior because you can't risk losing
to the guy with the brainworms.
Speaker 7 (22:50):
So they have to work out the details.
Speaker 14 (22:52):
Trump has to agree to Biden's stipulations, and he might
have demands of his own, like you know, every candidate
gets a get out of jail free card, or the
debate moderator has to be a lady and she has
to kiss them on.
Speaker 7 (23:05):
The mouth like the old family food.
Speaker 14 (23:10):
For more on this looming presidential debate, we go live
to Michael Costa at CNN. Had Michael, how are the
candidates preparing?
Speaker 8 (23:25):
Both sides are buckling down, DESSI. President Biden is doing
his classic pre debate ritual of a glass of hot
tea and an IV full of methemphetamines. Meanwhile, Trump's team is
teaching him how to dig a tunnel through concrete with
a spork so he'll be able to break out of prison.
Speaker 14 (23:43):
Okay, but Michael, is all this even necessary? And both
candidates have already been president, We're not going to learn
anything new about their policies.
Speaker 8 (23:51):
Yeah, but this debate is not about learning their policies.
It's about giving the American people a chance to see
which candidate, medically speaking, has the least fixed up body.
Neither of them are giving us any details about their
physical or mental health, so this is our only chance
to get them in a room together and see if
they can do presidential tasks like talk coherently for an
(24:15):
hour or not hemorrhage blood through an orifice.
Speaker 14 (24:21):
Okay, so you're saying that the American people should see
this less as a debate and more as a secret
medical exam.
Speaker 8 (24:27):
Yeah, yeah, yes, which is why I suggest that CNN
adds some additional stipulations. For example, the candidates should each
defend their tax policy while following this.
Speaker 1 (24:38):
Finger with their eyes.
Speaker 8 (24:42):
Or have them bend down and lift a five pound
kettlebell and see who breaks the least amount of bones.
Or bring out one of their grandkids and see if
either of them know whose grandkid it is. Or simply
just see which one of them can start a lawnmower.
Speaker 14 (24:57):
Okay, so basically, we evaluate their physical and mental health,
and whoever scores the highest gets to be president.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
Absolutely not, No, this is all a ruse.
Speaker 8 (25:06):
Once we get Biden and Trump in a room together,
we can lock the door and the rest of us
can sneak out of America. Then that will start a
new country with younger candidates, you know, ones whose first
kiss wasn't in the backseat of a Model T.
Speaker 7 (25:25):
Michael.
Speaker 14 (25:26):
Even if we could do that, at some point, Biden
and Trump would find their way to this new country.
Speaker 8 (25:31):
Right maybe, but the only entrance will be through a
spiral staircase.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
So good luck.
Speaker 14 (25:37):
You thought of everything seeing our new nation buddy Michael Costa.
Speaker 7 (25:41):
Everyone to.
Speaker 16 (25:43):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching the Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch
The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central on
Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paaramount Plus.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
This has been a Comedy Central podcast
You're listening to Comedy Central. We're getting into the news.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
As you know, the fascinating penis themed trial of Professor
Donald Bartholomew Trump continued today. What you might not know
is that it is not the only salacious, high level
government official trial going on today, because right across the
street in New York's famed public corruption district, New Jersey
(00:35):
Democratic Senator Robert Menendez.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
My god, Menendez turned heel.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
They're not booing, They're well, they were booing. Yes, that's
he faced his first day of reckoning.
Speaker 3 (00:51):
Federal prosecutors alleged the former chair of the powerful Senate
Foreign Relations Committee conspired with his wife, Nadine, to accept
bribes from a trial of wealthy businessmen in exchange for
political favors to help the governments of Cutter and Egypt.
Speaker 4 (01:06):
The powerful senator allegedly pressured the Department of Agriculture to
help an associate maintain a monopoly on the importation of
halal meat to the United States.
Speaker 5 (01:27):
I don't mean to get sentimental here, but in what
other country in the world can a Cuban American senator
were canned in hand with an Egyptian born businessman to
corner the halal meat market, living in America.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
But yes, Senator Menendez is accused of using his access
and influence as a senator to illegally help a variety
of shady governments and clients.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
But what have us? Do we really have?
Speaker 4 (02:02):
Federal agents search the Menendez home in June twenty twenty two,
finding over four hundred and eighty thousand dollars in cash.
Speaker 6 (02:10):
Two bags filled with one hundred thousand dollars each, one
hundred thousand dollars worth of gold bars Hayman's toward a mortgage.
Speaker 7 (02:17):
The Mercedes Benz convertible.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Furniture, exercise equipment, even an air purifier, four boots stuffed.
Speaker 6 (02:24):
With cash, cash even found in the senator's embroidered congressional jacket.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Sacrilege, cash in the lining of a congressional jacket, which.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Oddly enough is reversible.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
But the money is in his house, and his jacket,
in his boots, he's lining in his pockets, but none
of it ties the money to Menendez or Egypt.
Speaker 6 (02:54):
The indictment says, upon returning from one trip to Egypt,
Menendez performed a web search for how much as one
kilo of gold worth?
Speaker 1 (03:15):
Damn you?
Speaker 8 (03:16):
Metric system.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
I would have gotten away with the two who went
for your meddling kids in your base ten system of
measurements and weights.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
There could be a lot of reasonable, benign.
Speaker 9 (03:34):
Explanations for why a senator's house would be stuffed with
cash and gold bars, home heating insulation perhaps, or.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Something stupider.
Speaker 10 (03:49):
According to The New York Times, his lawyers now offering
a new explanation as to why he had thousands of
dollars in gold in cash in his home. They say
that the habit is rooted in traumatic family history.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
These are simply my emotional support gold balls whenever I
am Whenever I am not with them, I get anxious.
People respond to trauma in different ways.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Now, when it comes to any trial, the first step,
of course, and we've seen this play out endless times,
finding an impartial jury.
Speaker 11 (04:31):
Defense attorneys have proposed asking perspective jurors if they have
opinions about people from New Jersey, and do they think
that because they are from New Jersey that they're more
likely to break the law.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
You motherfucks, you bury one union leader at your football
stadium whilst running a human organ trafficking ring through some
secauca's rabbis, and suddenly a whole state is a suspect.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
You believe this tone? Huh tone? You believe this anti
New Jersey discrimination, That's what it is.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
So obviously this is shaping up to be one of
the more cartoonishly blatant corruption cases in some time. Jersey
guy with gold bars stuffed in his jacket and a
nice freezer of some halal meets anything else that might
speak to the general character of this United States.
Speaker 3 (05:44):
Senator Menendez has denied any wrongdoing. According to court filings,
his lawyers indicate he may try to blame his wife.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
Yes, it's those three magic words that every woman is
dying to hear.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
It was her, she did it. You know.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
I feel a lot worse for her if she wasn't
also demonstrably a terrible person.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
But perhaps read up on it.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
Perhaps I can't explain everything right now.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
I'll just say this an awful.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
But perhaps the dumbest thing about this entire not quite
believable Real Housewives episode is how unnecessary it all is. You, sir,
are an elected official in America's most respected legislative body.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
It's like a license to print money. You don't need
to break the.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
Law so cartoonishly when the legal corruption in the Senate
so fucking lucrative, Which brings us to our new segment,
Senator Robert Menendez, how dumb is you, as a New
(07:17):
Jersey resident, as a constituent of yours? Senator Menendez, I
have to ask, with all due respect, how dumb is
you promising favors to foreign entities for a little chump.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
Change on the side. It's bush league when as.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
A US Senator you can enrich yourself in so many
different let's call them legal ways.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
For instance, the stock.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
Market, members of Congress's stock portfolios consistently beat the SMP
five hundred.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
The average hedge fund was beating the market at seven percent.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
The study found that the average US senator was beating
a stock market by twelve percent.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
The average US senator.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
And if you think it's because the average US senator
is just so smart, this is the average US Senator
Tommy Tupperville, an ex football coach who doesn't know the
three branches of government. Oh, but when it comes to
the stock market, he sees the matrix.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
How do they do it well?
Speaker 2 (08:24):
The secret is a shrewd understanding of the intricate interconnectivity
of global markets.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
I'm kidding, they have inside information.
Speaker 12 (08:33):
California Congressman Democrat the named Alan Lowenthal, his wife sold
cheers of Boeing March fifth of twenty twenty. The very
next day, the committee on which he serves in the
House released a damaging report on the Boeing seven thirty seven.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
Max, Oh my god, what timing you see that?
Speaker 2 (08:53):
See the rest of us only find out about Boeing's
problems as we're being sucked out of the fuselage meg
flight to flying out over the wings.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
You're flying in the air over the wags. Sal Sal.
I don't think they're good. And it happens all the time.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
North Carolina Senator Richard Burke received a private briefing in
twenty twenty about how bad the COVID pandemic was going
to be for America, and he immediately sold off his stocks,
saving himself a small fortune. Of course, he had a
reasonable explanation.
Speaker 6 (09:36):
We wanted to ask you about those stock trades americ
in February of twenty twenty. You know, the SEC says
that you had a material non public information when you
made those trades.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
I did look at what you put out. How is
that not insider training.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
I'm so sorry, sir, I wanted to answer your question
if there.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
Was a button that kept these elevator doors open. By
the way, for.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
Those of you at home who don't have a gold
plated elevator, you can avoid these types of questions yourself
just by pretending to take the stairs.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Oh, I'm sorry, I can't believe tell you that I
must go.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
I'll take an elevator back home. I would do that
bit more, but my knees as soon as I did
the first one, because I didn't do it in rehearsal.
I did it just now, and I was like, that's
not a good idea. That's one of those who were like,
(10:36):
stop the taping and pull me back out.
Speaker 10 (10:41):
Now.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
You might be wondering yourself, how does Congress get away
with all this? Well, it may be because Congress is
regulated by let me check my notes, Congress, and it's
Congress that has refused to even hold a vote on
the bills that have been proposed to ban members of
Congress from trading stocks, because not letting members of Congress
insider trade.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
Would be un American.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
Just listen to one of the biggest beneficiaries of this
stock windfall.
Speaker 10 (11:07):
You should members of the Congress, and there's thousands feed
ban from trading individual stocks while serving in Congress.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
Now, I don't know to the second mind, this is
a free market in people.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
We are free market economy.
Speaker 8 (11:20):
They should be able to participate in.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
That ah free market. Excuse me, misfigure. I don't mean
to interrupt. I'm a Martha Seward from the Why did
I go to jail Times?
Speaker 1 (11:28):
Figure? Why did I go to jail? But here's the thing.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
In a free market, everyone has access to the same information.
So unless you're going to put all of us on
the committees, I don't get it now. To be fair,
Congress does have rules against corruption. Members of Congress are
not allowed to receive what might be viewed as enticements
or bribes from obvious no free concert tickets. They cannot
accept food, baked good sandwiches.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Et cetera. It just would not be proper.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
But in Congress's infinite wisdom, they do allow organizations to
set up what are called leadership packs, where a congressperson
can turn political donations from lobbyists into slush funds. A
pharma lobbyist cannot buy a senator a panini and some
niquill but through the pack they can pay for five
(12:18):
star hotels for Kirsten jillibrand luxury resorts for Ted Cruz,
and even golf lessons for Rand Paul. It's all in
Einriein's famous book at Liz Puttage.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
It's corruption.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
Really, that's milliterate crowd. I read that in Cottage Jackson.
This is corruption in plain sight. We won't accept gifts,
but if I want to have a luxury experience and
you would like to pay for it and then join
me on set experience where we can discuss issues important
(12:55):
to you and your industry, Who's the wiser, right, Senator
Mike Lee of Utah.
Speaker 8 (13:01):
Shortly after this slope side lunch for twenty two friends,
we decided to ask Senator Mike Lee and just why
he's doing this.
Speaker 13 (13:10):
Politicians raise funds, and this is what we do.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
I just want you like this. I enjoy skab and
thank you very much. Yeah, thanks a lot.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
From now on, I am ending every uncomfortable conversation I
ever have about anything with I enjoys gay.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
Good day. But but.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
Our luxury lobbying vacation is still too much work, Senator Menendez,
because you could always write laws that directly benefit your
side business, like the way Senator Chuck Grassley netted three
hundred and seventy thousand dollars in farm subsidies, or the
five point three million dollars the California Rep. Doug LaMalfa
got for his gentleman farm. And by the way, for
(13:56):
that much money, you better be growing actual gentlemen. It's
all legal and not a gold bar in sight. Or
you can leverage your stature and government to get lucrative
lobbying positions for your wife and your three kids, like
Missouri Senator Roy Blunt.
Speaker 13 (14:16):
I don't even understand why that would be a question.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
Everybody's family.
Speaker 5 (14:21):
My father was a corporate lobbyist, like his father and
his father before whom.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
Yes, everybody's family does something.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
For instance, your daughter might receive unusually green lighted Chinese patents,
or your son in law might receive billions and no
questions asked Saudi Investment, or your son might get a
lucrative seat on a corporate board.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
Let's hear Hunter explain that one away.
Speaker 4 (14:46):
If your last name was in Biden, do you think
you would have been asked to be on the board
of Barisma I don't know.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
I don't know, probably not.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
Holy shit, all the senators and representatives who dodged and
prevaricated and wouldn't answer any questions. You know you're in
trouble when the most honest and transparent person in a
story of government corruption is the ex crackhead. Yeah, now
(15:20):
you mightn't.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
I don't know if I like John Stewart anymore. Malliam.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Now you might think someone should step in and stop
Congress from being able to enrich themselves.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
Perhaps a Supreme Court.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Well, it come as no surprise that the same guys
who think it's fine to accept a luxury winnebago from
a wealthy businessman have made it much harder to police corruption.
In a decision called McDonald versus the United States, they
said that the appearance of corruption is not nearly enough
for it to be considered against the law.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
It must be.
Speaker 7 (16:02):
This very narrow quid pro quo idea.
Speaker 14 (16:04):
You know, I'm going to give you kind of like
a cartoonish sack of money in exchange for an actual vote.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Whilst twirling my handlebar mustache at every turn.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
Our Congress and our courts have been given a choice
be less corrupt or redefine what constitutes corruption and get
on with your bad selves. It's a game of reverse limbo.
Having trouble getting under the bar of corruption we've set, well,
(16:37):
how about now? Robert Menendez's gold bars in exchange for
favorable legislation is obviously cartoonishly corrupt. But for anyone out
there who thinks the status quo of government, patronage and
influence is of an entirely different species than Menendez, how
(16:57):
dumb is you.
Speaker 14 (17:07):
Let's begin with King Charles, the undisputed winner of white privilege.
It's been one year since he was crowned eldest Boy,
and he just got the photos.
Speaker 13 (17:17):
Developed mixed reaction this afternoon on the portrait just unveiled
of King Charles.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
Take a look.
Speaker 13 (17:24):
It is the first since his coronation. The oil on
canvas work of art features the King dressed in all
red with a red background.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
He's wearing the uniform of the Welsh Guards.
Speaker 13 (17:35):
But there's also a butterfly landing over his right shoulder.
Speaker 14 (17:40):
Oh, I just remembered I have to buy tampons.
Speaker 7 (17:46):
Tampons now.
Speaker 14 (17:48):
Obviously, this is a pretty big departure from other portraits
of the royal family. For example, Queen Elizabeth was often
painted with her beloved corgies. Compare that to Charles, who
looks like he was painted with her corgies. Once Christy
Nome was finished with I do like having the butterfly there.
Though it says I may be King of England, but
(18:10):
I still love that song that goes, come my Lady,
Come Come Malady, Yoma butterpla sugar Baby. It's a great song.
It's a really great song, still holds up. Now, clearly
this painting has gotten a lot of negative feedback, but
King Charles swears that he loves the portrait, which probably
means he's having an affair with another portrait on the side.
(18:33):
But let's move on from a leader who struggled with
infidelity to a leader who has no problem with it
at all. Donald Trump, There's been a lot of news
on the campaign trail today, so let's get right into
another edition of Indecision twenty twenty four.
Speaker 7 (18:56):
It looks like.
Speaker 14 (18:57):
Today was going to be a quiet day on the
campaign trail Wednesday, so Donald Trump had the day off
from his porn star hush money trial, which he was
going to spend trying to guess Milania's new phone number,
but his arch nemesis, Joe Biden, had other plans.
Speaker 10 (19:13):
And breaking news just moments ago, President Biden throws down
the gauntlet and frankly, some shade to Donald Trump, challenging
him to a debate.
Speaker 15 (19:21):
Donald Trump lost two debates to me in twenty twenty.
San Sandy hadn't shown.
Speaker 16 (19:24):
Up for debate.
Speaker 15 (19:25):
Now he's acting like he wants to debate me again.
Will make my day, pal, I'll even do it twice.
Let's pick the das Donald. I hear you're free on Wednesdays.
Speaker 11 (19:37):
Shit.
Speaker 14 (19:38):
Yeah, So that's the Joe Biden I know, and moderately
like he scared to nothing besides natural causes. I got
to admit there was part of me that thought Joe
Biden would be afraid to debate Donald Trump, because you know,
debating involves a lot of talking and think and standing.
(20:01):
But whooa, the way that he powered through that fourteen
second video makes me think he's got this.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
Now.
Speaker 14 (20:09):
I don't know exactly why he dropped this challenge. Now,
maybe he heard all those stories about Trump sleeping through
the trial and thought I can take this guy.
Speaker 7 (20:16):
We're on the same map schedule.
Speaker 14 (20:19):
But come on, Trump, skipped every primary debate like it
was for play. There's no way he's going to accept
Biden's challenge.
Speaker 13 (20:27):
The former president responded to that video this morning on
truth Social saying, just tell me.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
When I'll be there. Let's get ready to rumble.
Speaker 7 (20:35):
Oh shit, it's on. Yeah, let's get ready to rumble.
Make my day. I see dead people.
Speaker 14 (20:46):
I want you to draw me like one of your
French girls.
Speaker 7 (20:50):
Wednesdays, we wear pink. Welcome to Jurassic Park. Yeah, we're
making moves now.
Speaker 14 (20:58):
Biden and Trump have a agreed to debate, but they
still need to agree on a date and a host,
and those logistics don't just come together within forty five minutes.
Speaker 10 (21:08):
President Joe Biden and Donald Trump have just accepted CNN's
invitation to hold a debate on June twenty seventh.
Speaker 1 (21:16):
That's just been a few weeks.
Speaker 14 (21:18):
Wow, okay, June twenty seventh, Joe Biden is going to
be debating Donald Trump.
Speaker 7 (21:26):
Yay, I can't wait to watch like this. But yeah,
everything moved so quickly.
Speaker 14 (21:45):
Biden dropped that video and by noon they had scheduled
two debates. It's amazing how when they want to do
something they can get it done super fast. That kind
of makes you wonder why they don't fix other problems
this fast.
Speaker 7 (21:59):
But whatever, you'll enjoy it now.
Speaker 14 (22:02):
Obviously, there are still details to be worked out, because
even though Joe Biden said make my day, he really
meant make my day subject to terms and conditions.
Speaker 17 (22:11):
The Biden campaign wants the debate to occur inside a
TV studio with microphones that automatically cut off when a
speaker's time limit ellapses, and they want it to be
just the two candidates and the moderator, without the raucous
in person audiences that mister Trump feeds on, and without
the participation of Robert F. Kennedy Junior or other independent
(22:36):
or third party candidates.
Speaker 14 (22:38):
Yeah, I get where Biden's coming from on this. You
don't want crowds because they give Donald Trump energy, and
you don't want rfk Junior because you can't risk losing
to the guy with the brainworms.
Speaker 7 (22:50):
So they have to work out the details.
Speaker 14 (22:52):
Trump has to agree to Biden's stipulations, and he might
have demands of his own, like you know, every candidate
gets a get out of jail free card, or the
debate moderator has to be a lady and she has
to kiss them on.
Speaker 7 (23:05):
The mouth like the old family food.
Speaker 14 (23:10):
For more on this looming presidential debate, we go live
to Michael Costa at CNN. Had Michael, how are the
candidates preparing?
Speaker 8 (23:25):
Both sides are buckling down, DESSI. President Biden is doing
his classic pre debate ritual of a glass of hot
tea and an IV full of methemphetamines. Meanwhile, Trump's team is
teaching him how to dig a tunnel through concrete with
a spork so he'll be able to break out of prison.
Speaker 14 (23:43):
Okay, but Michael, is all this even necessary? And both
candidates have already been president, We're not going to learn
anything new about their policies.
Speaker 8 (23:51):
Yeah, but this debate is not about learning their policies.
It's about giving the American people a chance to see
which candidate, medically speaking, has the least fixed up body.
Neither of them are giving us any details about their
physical or mental health, so this is our only chance
to get them in a room together and see if
they can do presidential tasks like talk coherently for an
(24:15):
hour or not hemorrhage blood through an orifice.
Speaker 14 (24:21):
Okay, so you're saying that the American people should see
this less as a debate and more as a secret
medical exam.
Speaker 8 (24:27):
Yeah, yeah, yes, which is why I suggest that CNN
adds some additional stipulations. For example, the candidates should each
defend their tax policy while following this.
Speaker 1 (24:38):
Finger with their eyes.
Speaker 8 (24:42):
Or have them bend down and lift a five pound
kettlebell and see who breaks the least amount of bones.
Or bring out one of their grandkids and see if
either of them know whose grandkid it is. Or simply
just see which one of them can start a lawnmower.
Speaker 14 (24:57):
Okay, so basically, we evaluate their physical and mental health,
and whoever scores the highest gets to be president.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
Absolutely not, No, this is all a ruse.
Speaker 8 (25:06):
Once we get Biden and Trump in a room together,
we can lock the door and the rest of us
can sneak out of America. Then that will start a
new country with younger candidates, you know, ones whose first
kiss wasn't in the backseat of a Model T.
Speaker 7 (25:25):
Michael.
Speaker 14 (25:26):
Even if we could do that, at some point, Biden
and Trump would find their way to this new country.
Speaker 8 (25:31):
Right maybe, but the only entrance will be through a
spiral staircase.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
So good luck.
Speaker 14 (25:37):
You thought of everything seeing our new nation buddy Michael Costa.
Speaker 7 (25:41):
Everyone to.
Speaker 16 (25:43):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching the Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch
The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central on
Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paaramount Plus.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
This has been a Comedy Central podcast
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