September 14, 2024 • 29 mins
Jon Stewart gives his live reaction to Donald Trump and Kamala Harris’s first presidential debate. He unpacks the candidates’ takes on immigration and abortion access, and outlines what this means for the election. Plus, Jordan Klepper covers Trump’s insistence that he won the debate, Taylor Swift’s endorsement of Harris, and JD Vance’s defense of the claim that immigrants are eating cats and dogs.
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Miname is John Sir.
Speaker 3 (00:15):
The second presidential debate has just wrapped up. We are live,
well technically technically, I guess this is the second president
will be the first presidential debate of this matchup. I
can't wait to see who the winner will take on next.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
I think.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
We'll come to your live, ladies and gentlemen. The stakes
couldn't be higher as we all try and figure out
who will be the next president of Paul winev.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
MIAs Gang.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
It's an exciting night for citizens of that esteemed nation
as the rest of us watch with great interest from
the neighboring country of no one.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Gives a shit. A stand by the way, if you have.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Any friends in Paul, would be as again. Can you
see if they can do anything about congestion pricing? All right,
forget it, but so far it seems like this presidential
race is going to be a tight one.
Speaker 4 (01:13):
The election now a dead heat, separated by razor thin margins.
Speaker 5 (01:18):
Neck and neck.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Feels like a jump all race right now for.
Speaker 6 (01:20):
All intensive purposes, horseshoes and angrenades.
Speaker 7 (01:22):
It's a coin fla, the tightest race in a generation.
Speaker 8 (01:26):
As tight as it can get as tight as a tick, as.
Speaker 9 (01:28):
Tight as a two tight bathing suit and a too
long car ride home from the beach.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
That seems very tight.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
It's as tight as a teenage boys pants during a.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Sydney sweeney Film festival.
Speaker 3 (01:52):
That oh, it's tighter than Sydney's Sweeney's scheduling windows, given
how busy she is with projects in demand as a producer,
to say nothing of the anyway, she's very talented. Of course,
with an election this tight, it is important to build
out a more diverse coalition, and recently Donald Trump has
(02:14):
picked up the unexpected support of former Democrats RFK Junior
and Telsey Gabbert, and might even have picked up one
of Jeffrey Epstein's most esteemed former lawyers.
Speaker 10 (02:24):
I am no longer a Democrat.
Speaker 11 (02:26):
I am no longer a member of the Democratic Party.
Speaker 7 (02:29):
This was not my party.
Speaker 5 (02:30):
I just felt appalled when I watched the Democratic National Convention.
Speaker 7 (02:34):
I can't associate myself with the party itself.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
No, wait, don't go, oh, you're no longer the Democratic Party,
Alan Derschwitz.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
Guess what.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Democrats don't want you anyway, because the.
Speaker 3 (02:54):
Democratic Party has standards.
Speaker 9 (02:57):
Okay, we don't week former Vice President Dick Cheney endorsed
Vice President Harris.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Would you excuse me?
Speaker 12 (03:21):
What's mhmm?
Speaker 3 (03:33):
I don't know what came over me anyway, Going into
the debate, one thing was I'm sorry, you know what,
Dick Cheney, can you meet me over by camera?
Speaker 2 (03:39):
One?
Speaker 7 (03:44):
Fuck off?
Speaker 12 (03:46):
Sarah thought, fuck off.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
You gave this close to destroying the entire world.
Speaker 3 (03:55):
We were this close, closer than a teenage boy's pants.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
And now I'm not gonna have any fun with this.
And by the way, who in God's name is that endorsement?
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Gonna? Sway?
Speaker 3 (04:08):
Well, I like the Democrats policy on child tax credits,
but are they bombing enough Middle Eastern countries. There's still
some buildings standing. Someone should really do something. I'm fine,
(04:29):
it's fine. Seriously though, fuck that guy now, obviously, oh please,
But in aero dyte takedown. Obviously, each candidate was going
to have their goals and strategies. For Kamala Harris, it
(04:50):
was going to be quite a needle to thread.
Speaker 10 (04:52):
She really wants to make sure that Americans know her backstory,
walk away understanding her policy stances, to make sure she
needles Donald Trump him to lash out, explose the flaws
that she sees in him to states calm.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Be ready for all attack. She's god like two minutes.
Is there anything else?
Speaker 10 (05:10):
There are some people who are worried that she might
be over prepared.
Speaker 3 (05:13):
Really after doing all that, you know, Trump was encouraged
to take a simpler approach. They expect some goading remarks
from Harris. They have stressed to him over and over again,
do not respond, if you're going to respond at all,
to use facial expressions, not to actually go out there
and say anything.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Kamala say everything, some say nothing.
Speaker 3 (05:42):
But here's what you do, mister former president. If Kamala
says something that surprises you, you just go. And if
Kamala says something that makes you angry, you just go.
And if Kamala says something that makes you feel sexy, time,
you go. Oh yeah, So those were the goals.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
Both candidates have now entered the arena.
Speaker 3 (06:10):
Biden and Trump did not greet each other, and Kamala,
oh wait, did you go?
Speaker 2 (06:13):
She went for the handshake. Ladies and gentlemen, What.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
An incredible display of the awkward tension happens when your
son is dating a biracial girl and you meet her
parents for the first time, do I.
Speaker 12 (06:35):
Whoda you are?
Speaker 3 (06:38):
As per tradition in American politics, the first question is
always asked by the most handsome person in a ten
to fifteen mile radius.
Speaker 6 (06:45):
When it comes to the economy, do you believe Americans
are better off than they were four years ago?
Speaker 1 (06:49):
Ooh?
Speaker 11 (06:50):
First, Yausa, Hey yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Second answer the question.
Speaker 13 (07:04):
As vice president, I imagine and have actually a plan to
build what I call an opportunity economy. My plan is
to give a fifty thousand dollars tax deduction to start
up small businesses. I intend on extending a tax cut
for those families of six thousand dollars.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
Holy shit, we're one question and we're all millionaires. Oh
my god, Donald, your response to.
Speaker 3 (07:28):
The question, is the economy better now than it was
four years ago?
Speaker 9 (07:31):
We have millions of people pouring into our country from
prisons and jails, from mental institutions and insane asylums. They're dangerous,
They're at the highest level of criminality. They are taking
over the towns, they're taking over buildings, They're going in violently.
Speaker 3 (07:48):
Ladies and gentlemen, I just want to say, after surviving
the PTSD of the last presidential debate.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
How unbelievably refreshing.
Speaker 3 (07:58):
It is to go back to the same old nobody's
gonna answer any fucking question.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
This is unbelievable.
Speaker 12 (08:05):
We're back, America comes back.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
Yeah, yeah, that's gonna question. They just turned the time
and answer whatever they want to answer.
Speaker 3 (08:15):
And now that we're returning to the cliches the standards
of American political theater, I think it's only fair if
someone would do the honors of the first baseless at hominem.
Speaker 9 (08:26):
She's a Marxist. Everybody knows she's a Marxist. Her father's
a Marxist professor in economics, and he taught her well.
But when you look at what she's done to our country.
Speaker 3 (08:37):
Oh shit, she's about to be like, motherfucker, let's just
do this.
Speaker 8 (08:44):
I'm gonna she's about up a Marxist. She's about to
open up a can of ass capital on Donald Trump.
Lindsay Davis, you better change the subject before the fingers
on Kamala's hand.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Unite.
Speaker 13 (09:03):
I want to turn to the issue of abortion.
Speaker 3 (09:07):
Oh boy, I'm not superstitious, but this is where the
wheels fell off for Biden. He was asked about abortion,
then he somehow spun it into wire, immigrants, raping people,
and he ended with the classic phrase, We'll never forget.
And that's when we finally beat Medicare. They're feeling it too,
(09:29):
ladies and gentlemen. As before President Trump, you have the
first crack at answering why you killed Rov Wade.
Speaker 7 (09:37):
We've gotten what everybody wanted.
Speaker 9 (09:39):
Democrats, Republicans, and everybody else, and every legal scholar wanted
it to be brought back into the States, and the
States are voting, and I did something that nobody thought
was possible.
Speaker 3 (09:51):
John Stewart from me, I was watching this live timespicking
what you just said. Yeah, that's actually insanely false. The
majority of people. You know what, Kamala Harris, Kamala Harris,
can you address this with a bit more eloquence.
Speaker 13 (10:06):
I have talked with women around our country. You want
to talk about. This is what people wanted. Pregnant women
who want to carry a pregnancy to term, suffering from
a miscarriage, being denied care in an emergency room because
the healthcare providers are afraid they might go to jail.
And she's bleeding out in a car in the parking lot.
(10:27):
She didn't want that, Oh, she crashed that.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
This is like this is like.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
What this is like one of those crowdhog Day movies
where you get to go back and fix the bad
way that something happened earlier to the good way. And
then you learn Italian and the piano, and then you
get sad and then despondent, and then you learn how
to love yourself. Trump will now finally have to answer
(11:02):
to his abortion policy.
Speaker 9 (11:04):
You know what, it reminds me of when they said
they're going to get student loans terminated and it ended
up being a total catastrophe.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
Ah, you don't have student loan smoke bomb. But we're
suddenly into a rhythm here, nice back and forth. I
got to give it to Trump. He's sticking to his
guns and he's not letting Kamala Harris get under his skin.
I actually think she's not going to be able to
need a them.
Speaker 13 (11:28):
I'm going to invite you to attend one of Donald
Trump's rallies. He will talk about win mills cause cancer.
And what you will also notice is that people start
leaving his rallies early out of exhaustion and boredom.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
Old shit, He's just gonna start taking off his ear
okayle id sake, motherfucker.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
Let's go, folks. The eagle has landed. She has attacked.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
What is Donald Trump's most cherished family member is rally crowds.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Donald, remember your training.
Speaker 3 (12:13):
The question is about why you killed the bipartisan immigration bill.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
You don't need to think.
Speaker 7 (12:20):
About you prisoner.
Speaker 9 (12:22):
Myresponders to the rallies, she said, people start leaving.
Speaker 7 (12:25):
People don't go to.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Her rallies, Son of the pits.
Speaker 7 (12:31):
People don't leave my rallies.
Speaker 9 (12:32):
We have the biggest rallies, the most incredible rallies in
the history of politics. Our country is being lost. We're
a failing nation. In Springfield, they're eating the dogs the
people that came in. They're eating the cats, they're eating
they're eating the pets of the people that live there.
Speaker 12 (13:05):
What the fuck just happened?
Speaker 2 (13:08):
Because these unbelievable around if people.
Speaker 10 (13:10):
Don't leave them eating dogs, the string feel the immigrants
are eating people's dogs.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
Which reminds me, if I may, for just a quick moment,
a quick.
Speaker 3 (13:25):
Reminder of all the pet owners out there, always remember
to leash your dogs. It's an important way to keep
your dogs from fighting other dogs, or being hit by
a car, or being eaten by your immigrant neighbors. Oh,
(13:49):
I'm sorry. Also, fuck off, Dick Cheney.
Speaker 7 (13:57):
I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
You were saying.
Speaker 6 (14:01):
I just want to clarify here. You bring up Springfield, Ohio,
and ABCDWS did reach out to the city manager there.
He told us there have been no credible reports of
specific claims of pets being harmed, injured, or abused by
individuals within the immigrant community.
Speaker 7 (14:15):
All I've seen.
Speaker 9 (14:16):
People intelligen let me just say, this is the people
on television.
Speaker 7 (14:18):
So my dog was taken and used for food.
Speaker 9 (14:22):
So maybe he said that, and maybe that's a good
thing to say for a city manager.
Speaker 6 (14:25):
I'm not taking this from people on television.
Speaker 7 (14:28):
Dog was eaten by the people that went there.
Speaker 6 (14:32):
Again, the Springfield city manager says there's no evidence of that.
Speaker 3 (14:45):
Having spent some time in Springfield myself, I believe I
know what's happening here. I believe Trump himself may be
becoming one of Springfield's most famous residents.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
And I believe we have some footage.
Speaker 7 (14:57):
It's right and being all, no one listens to.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
Someone ain't my dad.
Speaker 3 (15:22):
I Finally, no debate with the former president would be
complete without addressing the former president's closing number of the
Trump Show's first.
Speaker 6 (15:31):
Term, mister president, on January sixth, you told your supporters
to march to the Capitol. You said you would be
right there with them. Is there anything you regret about
what you did on that day?
Speaker 9 (15:40):
It wasn't done by me. It was done by others.
It would have never happened if Nancy Pelosi and the
mayor of Washington did the jobs. I wasn't responsible for security.
Nancy Pelosi was responsible. She didn't do her job. I
had nothing to do with that other than they asked
me to make a speech.
Speaker 7 (15:56):
I showed up for a speech.
Speaker 3 (16:03):
You spent two months riling up your base that our
country had literally been stolen from them through fraudulent means
that you could never even get a whiff of in
a court of law, and let yourself just abuse them.
You pressed on, you abused their trust. You showed up
for a speech. You fucking tweeted, join me on January sixth,
(16:26):
it will be wild.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
But suddenly now I would use the hired magician.
Speaker 7 (16:31):
Did it, Bay Midside?
Speaker 2 (16:32):
I didn't do anything. I showed up with a hat
and a rabbit. And then the whole party went out
of control.
Speaker 3 (16:44):
And this is it, Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know
if this debate is going to change anything.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
I really don't.
Speaker 3 (16:48):
People are awfully set in the manner that they view
these proceedings. What I think is a home run answer
for one candidate, someone else views as a dodge or
a lie or any of those other things. In some ways,
it doesn't matter what they say anymore. But one thing
will always be true, and it is the quality of
the former president.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
I respect the least.
Speaker 3 (17:09):
Whenever he is cornered and forced to face even the
smallest of consequences for his own mendacity and scheming, he
reverts to the greatest refuge of scoundrels.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
As Shaggy would say, it wasn't me. I did nothing wrong.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
I just showed up. They're the ones who went crazy.
Speaker 3 (17:31):
This man who constantly professes to be your champion, who
says they're going to have to go through him to
get to you, will always when the boat is going down,
be the first into the lifeboats, because in that moment
he will always say the same thing.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
I didn't know anything about it.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
I was just told to show up for a cruise,
even though everybody knows he was the fucking captain of
the ship in any other country, that lad in any
other country, in any other country, that lack of accountability
would be disqualifying.
Speaker 14 (18:11):
Last night, Kamala Harris and Donald Trump took to the
debate stage to make their cases to Taylor, Allison Swift
and whoever else happened to be watching. It was not
a good night for Trump in terms of personal tragedies
for him. I'd put it somewhere between losing the twenty
(18:31):
twenty election and the day fox Knews started letting female
anchors wear paints, somewhere in there. And there was one
moment that was probably the best example of just how
badly Trump did at the debate in Springfield.
Speaker 7 (18:47):
They're eating the dogs the people that came in.
Speaker 9 (18:50):
They're eating the cats, They're eating they're eating the pets
of the people that lived there.
Speaker 7 (19:01):
Sir.
Speaker 12 (19:01):
The question was state your name.
Speaker 5 (19:07):
Now.
Speaker 14 (19:07):
If you were one of the many people last night
wondering why Trump was shouting.
Speaker 12 (19:11):
They're eating the dogs, let me explain.
Speaker 14 (19:15):
It started with a random Facebook post where someone accused
a Haitian immigrant of stealing and eating their neighbor's daughter's
friend's cat. And if there's one thing we know about
Facebook posts, it's that they're always rigorously fact checked. But
as with any unfounded rumor on Facebook, obviously this got
picked up by the right wing establishment and spread across
(19:37):
the Internet.
Speaker 12 (19:38):
Even jd.
Speaker 14 (19:38):
Vance promoted it while simultaneously acknowledging it was completely unfounded.
You might say he jumped in the misinformation pool but
kept his shirt on, which brings us to last night.
If there's one thing we know about a racist conspiracy theory,
it's that Donald Trump's brain will swallow it whole, like
(20:00):
a hungry immigrant at pat Co's. And that's how a
random Facebook post turn into Donald Trump's campaign slogan.
Speaker 12 (20:11):
They're eating kats of dogs.
Speaker 14 (20:14):
So it seemed like Trump had a rough performance, But
you know what, that's just my opinion. You can also
tell that Donald Trump was the loser because he did
all the things losers do when they lose. Number one,
complaining about the refs.
Speaker 9 (20:29):
I thought they were very unfair, the moderators, everybody did.
Speaker 5 (20:32):
I thought it was terrible. From the standpoint of ABC,
it was three to one. It was a rigged deal,
as I assumed it would be, because when you looked
at the fact that they were correcting everything and not
correcting with her yeah.
Speaker 14 (20:48):
Man, they were correcting you because of the things you
were saying.
Speaker 12 (20:53):
That's barely fact checking.
Speaker 14 (20:55):
The moderators were reacting like normal human beings react when
you hear the craziest shit you've ever heard. Like if
you were at a cocktail party and your friend said
trans immigrants are eating dogs in Ohio, you would say,
what there you talking about, Stu, No, they aren't. You
wouldn't be like, Okay, thank you for that. Let's move
(21:17):
on to foreign policy. You know what, it wasn't just
blaming the refs. Another way you know Trump lost is
that he was accusing his opponent of cheating.
Speaker 5 (21:27):
They had a rig show with somebody that maybe even
had the answers. I mean, I'll be honest.
Speaker 9 (21:33):
I watched her talk and I said, you know, she
seems awfully familiar with the questions.
Speaker 14 (21:38):
Okay, you think she was cheating because she seemed familiar
with the questions. It's a presidential debate. They always asked
the same questions. It's like being suspicious that someone knows
all the words to take me out to the ballgame.
(22:01):
How will you fix the economy? What's your stance on abortion?
Do you promise not to overthrow the government standard.
Speaker 12 (22:08):
Boilerplate debate questions.
Speaker 14 (22:10):
Meanwhile, Trump seemed awfully familiar with the questions that nobody asked,
like who's eating all the cats in Springfield, Ohio? But
maybe the best way you know Trump lost the debate
is that he repeatedly insisted he won.
Speaker 9 (22:28):
I think it was the best debate I've ever personalated
that I had.
Speaker 7 (22:32):
We're getting polls that showed ninety two to six, eighty
eight to eleven.
Speaker 5 (22:37):
Every single poll last night had me winning, like ninety
to ten. We had c spand at one point was
it eighty to twenty.
Speaker 9 (22:46):
And we looked at one pole it was ninety two
to seven.
Speaker 7 (22:49):
We had a ninety two percent rating.
Speaker 9 (22:51):
In one pole we had an eighty six percent rating,
and another we had seventy seven percent, ninety percent, sixty percent,
seventy two percent, seventy one.
Speaker 14 (23:02):
Wow, those certainly were numbers. Is this what Trump did
during his debate prep memorize all the numbers between seventy
and ninety eight. In fact, every moment since the debate
ended last night, Trump has.
Speaker 12 (23:22):
Been spinning and spinning and spinning.
Speaker 14 (23:25):
I mean, just listen to his response after Taylor Swift
announced she is endorsing Kamala Harris.
Speaker 5 (23:31):
Well, I actually like missus. I actually like Missus Mahomes
much better if you want at home the trip. She's
a big Trump fan. I was not a Taylor Swift fan.
Speaker 14 (23:45):
Really, really, Donald, you prefer Britney Mahomes. What's your top
five Britney Mahomes songs? This is really his angle.
Speaker 12 (23:54):
Well, I don't.
Speaker 14 (23:55):
Care, Taylor, because I like your boyfriend's coworker's wife better.
This has just been a day of pathetic, desperate spinning.
I mean, imagine if Donald Trump spent all that energy
on doing things correctly instead of pretending he did things correctly.
(24:16):
I mean, if he had worked harder preparing for the debate,
maybe he wouldn't have had to pretend he won the debate.
If he had worked harder to win in twenty twenty,
maybe he wouldn't have to pretend the election was rigged.
And if he had worked harder on January sixth, maybe
he could have overthrown the government and wouldn't have to
be debating in the first place. It's called work ethic, Donald,
(24:43):
Come on. Of course, Donald Trump wasn't the only one
spinning his performance last night. As aforementioned Vice President jd
Vance was asked about why Donald Trump ranted about illegal
immigrants eating pets, and his response was illuminating.
Speaker 12 (24:59):
Why push something that's not true.
Speaker 4 (25:03):
Well, first of all, city officials have not said it's
not true. They said they don't have all the evidence,
no evidence. We've heard from a number of constituents on
the ground, Caitlin, who both first hand and second hand
reports saying this stuff is happening. So they very clearly
meaning the people on the ground dealing with this, think
that it is happening.
Speaker 12 (25:20):
And I think that it's important.
Speaker 4 (25:21):
For journalists to actually get on the ground and uncover
this stuff for themselves.
Speaker 14 (25:25):
Okay, I'm sorry, this is not my main takeaway from
the story. But someone's cat went missing, so they called
their senator. I mean, were they like, Hm, should I
go right to the President of the United States or should.
Speaker 12 (25:41):
I start with my senator?
Speaker 14 (25:43):
You gotta update those emergency numbers on your fridge, Berry,
come on.
Speaker 12 (25:47):
But perhaps perhaps jd Vance has a point. If a story.
Speaker 14 (25:52):
Bubbles up from the right wing sewer, and it's our obligation, nay,
our duty in the mainstream media to investigate it the cost,
and that is exactly we have done here at the
Daily Show, I sent Ronnie Chang undercover to Springfields to
find out if the legal migrants are really gobbling up
our small town cats. Let's go live to him now, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie,
(26:27):
how's the investigation going?
Speaker 15 (26:29):
Well, Jordan, I mean, Ohio in a cat costume, trying
to get migrants to eat me.
Speaker 7 (26:35):
So it's not great.
Speaker 15 (26:37):
Also, it's not working, Okay. I even tender toize myself
with a jerk rob and whent arou I'm saying now meow,
I'm so tasty nothing, okay.
Speaker 14 (26:46):
Yeah, well, obviously you're not going to fool anyone with
a half assed meal like that.
Speaker 12 (26:50):
You need to commit to the role. Ronnie.
Speaker 7 (26:52):
Hey, hey, don't tell me how to commit.
Speaker 12 (26:53):
All right. How many Marvel movies are you in? Okay?
Speaker 7 (26:56):
Trust me? Trust me?
Speaker 15 (26:58):
Okay, I've tried everything. Shit in a box, I batter
around some yard, I play for dead mouse. I found nothing.
Speaker 12 (27:05):
Have you been licking your butthole?
Speaker 7 (27:06):
I can't reach my butthole.
Speaker 12 (27:08):
Did try to reach my butthole?
Speaker 7 (27:11):
Okay, I can't.
Speaker 15 (27:12):
It's impossible, which I already knew for reasons I don't
want to discuss.
Speaker 14 (27:17):
Okay, Well, then what are we gonna do about these allegations?
Speaker 15 (27:21):
I don't know, Jordan, how about we ignore them? Good
journalism doesn't mean we have to take every insane, racist
conspiracy theory at face value. Okay, let's just shit on
it and move on like I did in a box earlier.
Speaker 14 (27:36):
Wow, well, you know what, you know what, Roddie, Maybe
you're right. I appreciate you taking journalistic principles. So seriously,
you really following in the footsteps of Edward R.
Speaker 12 (27:48):
Meauro Roddy, did you hear what I said? I said,
Edward R.
Speaker 2 (27:57):
Wish you were dead?
Speaker 1 (27:58):
All right?
Speaker 7 (27:58):
Anyway?
Speaker 1 (27:59):
Oh wait, oh oh.
Speaker 12 (28:00):
Wait, wait, someone's coming.
Speaker 15 (28:01):
Someone's going. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, they're getting
gay ouf dot con.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
They're coming for me.
Speaker 12 (28:06):
They're coming.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
Hey, right right there, right there, Hello, buddy, Yes, I
mean oh.
Speaker 12 (28:13):
Oh, thank god. Okay, what happened? Were you were you?
Were you kidnapped by a hungry immigrants?
Speaker 7 (28:19):
No?
Speaker 15 (28:19):
No, no, I think I was adopted by a childless
cat lady.
Speaker 14 (28:22):
Oh all right, okay, hang time, Ronny, hay tight.
Speaker 12 (28:30):
We're sending someone to bring you back.
Speaker 5 (28:32):
Oh.
Speaker 15 (28:32):
Actually, you know what, I'll hold off. She's in the kitchen.
Speaker 12 (28:34):
Cooking me some organic chicken right now.
Speaker 15 (28:36):
I want to see how this plays out.
Speaker 12 (28:39):
How awesome I love these things? Okay, I have fun
running Running Chang. Everyone.
Speaker 16 (28:45):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch
The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central on
Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount
Speaker 7 (28:58):
Plus Paramount Podcasts
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Miname is John Sir.
Speaker 3 (00:15):
The second presidential debate has just wrapped up. We are live,
well technically technically, I guess this is the second president
will be the first presidential debate of this matchup. I
can't wait to see who the winner will take on next.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
I think.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
We'll come to your live, ladies and gentlemen. The stakes
couldn't be higher as we all try and figure out
who will be the next president of Paul winev.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
MIAs Gang.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
It's an exciting night for citizens of that esteemed nation
as the rest of us watch with great interest from
the neighboring country of no one.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Gives a shit. A stand by the way, if you have.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Any friends in Paul, would be as again. Can you
see if they can do anything about congestion pricing? All right,
forget it, but so far it seems like this presidential
race is going to be a tight one.
Speaker 4 (01:13):
The election now a dead heat, separated by razor thin margins.
Speaker 5 (01:18):
Neck and neck.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Feels like a jump all race right now for.
Speaker 6 (01:20):
All intensive purposes, horseshoes and angrenades.
Speaker 7 (01:22):
It's a coin fla, the tightest race in a generation.
Speaker 8 (01:26):
As tight as it can get as tight as a tick, as.
Speaker 9 (01:28):
Tight as a two tight bathing suit and a too
long car ride home from the beach.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
That seems very tight.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
It's as tight as a teenage boys pants during a.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Sydney sweeney Film festival.
Speaker 3 (01:52):
That oh, it's tighter than Sydney's Sweeney's scheduling windows, given
how busy she is with projects in demand as a producer,
to say nothing of the anyway, she's very talented. Of course,
with an election this tight, it is important to build
out a more diverse coalition, and recently Donald Trump has
(02:14):
picked up the unexpected support of former Democrats RFK Junior
and Telsey Gabbert, and might even have picked up one
of Jeffrey Epstein's most esteemed former lawyers.
Speaker 10 (02:24):
I am no longer a Democrat.
Speaker 11 (02:26):
I am no longer a member of the Democratic Party.
Speaker 7 (02:29):
This was not my party.
Speaker 5 (02:30):
I just felt appalled when I watched the Democratic National Convention.
Speaker 7 (02:34):
I can't associate myself with the party itself.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
No, wait, don't go, oh, you're no longer the Democratic Party,
Alan Derschwitz.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
Guess what.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Democrats don't want you anyway, because the.
Speaker 3 (02:54):
Democratic Party has standards.
Speaker 9 (02:57):
Okay, we don't week former Vice President Dick Cheney endorsed
Vice President Harris.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Would you excuse me?
Speaker 12 (03:21):
What's mhmm?
Speaker 3 (03:33):
I don't know what came over me anyway, Going into
the debate, one thing was I'm sorry, you know what,
Dick Cheney, can you meet me over by camera?
Speaker 2 (03:39):
One?
Speaker 7 (03:44):
Fuck off?
Speaker 12 (03:46):
Sarah thought, fuck off.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
You gave this close to destroying the entire world.
Speaker 3 (03:55):
We were this close, closer than a teenage boy's pants.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
And now I'm not gonna have any fun with this.
And by the way, who in God's name is that endorsement?
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Gonna? Sway?
Speaker 3 (04:08):
Well, I like the Democrats policy on child tax credits,
but are they bombing enough Middle Eastern countries. There's still
some buildings standing. Someone should really do something. I'm fine,
(04:29):
it's fine. Seriously though, fuck that guy now, obviously, oh please,
But in aero dyte takedown. Obviously, each candidate was going
to have their goals and strategies. For Kamala Harris, it
(04:50):
was going to be quite a needle to thread.
Speaker 10 (04:52):
She really wants to make sure that Americans know her backstory,
walk away understanding her policy stances, to make sure she
needles Donald Trump him to lash out, explose the flaws
that she sees in him to states calm.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Be ready for all attack. She's god like two minutes.
Is there anything else?
Speaker 10 (05:10):
There are some people who are worried that she might
be over prepared.
Speaker 3 (05:13):
Really after doing all that, you know, Trump was encouraged
to take a simpler approach. They expect some goading remarks
from Harris. They have stressed to him over and over again,
do not respond, if you're going to respond at all,
to use facial expressions, not to actually go out there
and say anything.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
Kamala say everything, some say nothing.
Speaker 3 (05:42):
But here's what you do, mister former president. If Kamala
says something that surprises you, you just go. And if
Kamala says something that makes you angry, you just go.
And if Kamala says something that makes you feel sexy, time,
you go. Oh yeah, So those were the goals.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
Both candidates have now entered the arena.
Speaker 3 (06:10):
Biden and Trump did not greet each other, and Kamala,
oh wait, did you go?
Speaker 2 (06:13):
She went for the handshake. Ladies and gentlemen, What.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
An incredible display of the awkward tension happens when your
son is dating a biracial girl and you meet her
parents for the first time, do I.
Speaker 12 (06:35):
Whoda you are?
Speaker 3 (06:38):
As per tradition in American politics, the first question is
always asked by the most handsome person in a ten
to fifteen mile radius.
Speaker 6 (06:45):
When it comes to the economy, do you believe Americans
are better off than they were four years ago?
Speaker 1 (06:49):
Ooh?
Speaker 11 (06:50):
First, Yausa, Hey yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Second answer the question.
Speaker 13 (07:04):
As vice president, I imagine and have actually a plan to
build what I call an opportunity economy. My plan is
to give a fifty thousand dollars tax deduction to start
up small businesses. I intend on extending a tax cut
for those families of six thousand dollars.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
Holy shit, we're one question and we're all millionaires. Oh
my god, Donald, your response to.
Speaker 3 (07:28):
The question, is the economy better now than it was
four years ago?
Speaker 9 (07:31):
We have millions of people pouring into our country from
prisons and jails, from mental institutions and insane asylums. They're dangerous,
They're at the highest level of criminality. They are taking
over the towns, they're taking over buildings, They're going in violently.
Speaker 3 (07:48):
Ladies and gentlemen, I just want to say, after surviving
the PTSD of the last presidential debate.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
How unbelievably refreshing.
Speaker 3 (07:58):
It is to go back to the same old nobody's
gonna answer any fucking question.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
This is unbelievable.
Speaker 12 (08:05):
We're back, America comes back.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
Yeah, yeah, that's gonna question. They just turned the time
and answer whatever they want to answer.
Speaker 3 (08:15):
And now that we're returning to the cliches the standards
of American political theater, I think it's only fair if
someone would do the honors of the first baseless at hominem.
Speaker 9 (08:26):
She's a Marxist. Everybody knows she's a Marxist. Her father's
a Marxist professor in economics, and he taught her well.
But when you look at what she's done to our country.
Speaker 3 (08:37):
Oh shit, she's about to be like, motherfucker, let's just
do this.
Speaker 8 (08:44):
I'm gonna she's about up a Marxist. She's about to
open up a can of ass capital on Donald Trump.
Lindsay Davis, you better change the subject before the fingers
on Kamala's hand.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Unite.
Speaker 13 (09:03):
I want to turn to the issue of abortion.
Speaker 3 (09:07):
Oh boy, I'm not superstitious, but this is where the
wheels fell off for Biden. He was asked about abortion,
then he somehow spun it into wire, immigrants, raping people,
and he ended with the classic phrase, We'll never forget.
And that's when we finally beat Medicare. They're feeling it too,
(09:29):
ladies and gentlemen. As before President Trump, you have the
first crack at answering why you killed Rov Wade.
Speaker 7 (09:37):
We've gotten what everybody wanted.
Speaker 9 (09:39):
Democrats, Republicans, and everybody else, and every legal scholar wanted
it to be brought back into the States, and the
States are voting, and I did something that nobody thought
was possible.
Speaker 3 (09:51):
John Stewart from me, I was watching this live timespicking
what you just said. Yeah, that's actually insanely false. The
majority of people. You know what, Kamala Harris, Kamala Harris,
can you address this with a bit more eloquence.
Speaker 13 (10:06):
I have talked with women around our country. You want
to talk about. This is what people wanted. Pregnant women
who want to carry a pregnancy to term, suffering from
a miscarriage, being denied care in an emergency room because
the healthcare providers are afraid they might go to jail.
And she's bleeding out in a car in the parking lot.
(10:27):
She didn't want that, Oh, she crashed that.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
This is like this is like.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
What this is like one of those crowdhog Day movies
where you get to go back and fix the bad
way that something happened earlier to the good way. And
then you learn Italian and the piano, and then you
get sad and then despondent, and then you learn how
to love yourself. Trump will now finally have to answer
(11:02):
to his abortion policy.
Speaker 9 (11:04):
You know what, it reminds me of when they said
they're going to get student loans terminated and it ended
up being a total catastrophe.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
Ah, you don't have student loan smoke bomb. But we're
suddenly into a rhythm here, nice back and forth. I
got to give it to Trump. He's sticking to his
guns and he's not letting Kamala Harris get under his skin.
I actually think she's not going to be able to
need a them.
Speaker 13 (11:28):
I'm going to invite you to attend one of Donald
Trump's rallies. He will talk about win mills cause cancer.
And what you will also notice is that people start
leaving his rallies early out of exhaustion and boredom.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
Old shit, He's just gonna start taking off his ear
okayle id sake, motherfucker.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
Let's go, folks. The eagle has landed. She has attacked.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
What is Donald Trump's most cherished family member is rally crowds.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Donald, remember your training.
Speaker 3 (12:13):
The question is about why you killed the bipartisan immigration bill.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
You don't need to think.
Speaker 7 (12:20):
About you prisoner.
Speaker 9 (12:22):
Myresponders to the rallies, she said, people start leaving.
Speaker 7 (12:25):
People don't go to.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Her rallies, Son of the pits.
Speaker 7 (12:31):
People don't leave my rallies.
Speaker 9 (12:32):
We have the biggest rallies, the most incredible rallies in
the history of politics. Our country is being lost. We're
a failing nation. In Springfield, they're eating the dogs the
people that came in. They're eating the cats, they're eating
they're eating the pets of the people that live there.
Speaker 12 (13:05):
What the fuck just happened?
Speaker 2 (13:08):
Because these unbelievable around if people.
Speaker 10 (13:10):
Don't leave them eating dogs, the string feel the immigrants
are eating people's dogs.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
Which reminds me, if I may, for just a quick moment,
a quick.
Speaker 3 (13:25):
Reminder of all the pet owners out there, always remember
to leash your dogs. It's an important way to keep
your dogs from fighting other dogs, or being hit by
a car, or being eaten by your immigrant neighbors. Oh,
(13:49):
I'm sorry. Also, fuck off, Dick Cheney.
Speaker 7 (13:57):
I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
You were saying.
Speaker 6 (14:01):
I just want to clarify here. You bring up Springfield, Ohio,
and ABCDWS did reach out to the city manager there.
He told us there have been no credible reports of
specific claims of pets being harmed, injured, or abused by
individuals within the immigrant community.
Speaker 7 (14:15):
All I've seen.
Speaker 9 (14:16):
People intelligen let me just say, this is the people
on television.
Speaker 7 (14:18):
So my dog was taken and used for food.
Speaker 9 (14:22):
So maybe he said that, and maybe that's a good
thing to say for a city manager.
Speaker 6 (14:25):
I'm not taking this from people on television.
Speaker 7 (14:28):
Dog was eaten by the people that went there.
Speaker 6 (14:32):
Again, the Springfield city manager says there's no evidence of that.
Speaker 3 (14:45):
Having spent some time in Springfield myself, I believe I
know what's happening here. I believe Trump himself may be
becoming one of Springfield's most famous residents.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
And I believe we have some footage.
Speaker 7 (14:57):
It's right and being all, no one listens to.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
Someone ain't my dad.
Speaker 3 (15:22):
I Finally, no debate with the former president would be
complete without addressing the former president's closing number of the
Trump Show's first.
Speaker 6 (15:31):
Term, mister president, on January sixth, you told your supporters
to march to the Capitol. You said you would be
right there with them. Is there anything you regret about
what you did on that day?
Speaker 9 (15:40):
It wasn't done by me. It was done by others.
It would have never happened if Nancy Pelosi and the
mayor of Washington did the jobs. I wasn't responsible for security.
Nancy Pelosi was responsible. She didn't do her job. I
had nothing to do with that other than they asked
me to make a speech.
Speaker 7 (15:56):
I showed up for a speech.
Speaker 3 (16:03):
You spent two months riling up your base that our
country had literally been stolen from them through fraudulent means
that you could never even get a whiff of in
a court of law, and let yourself just abuse them.
You pressed on, you abused their trust. You showed up
for a speech. You fucking tweeted, join me on January sixth,
(16:26):
it will be wild.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
But suddenly now I would use the hired magician.
Speaker 7 (16:31):
Did it, Bay Midside?
Speaker 2 (16:32):
I didn't do anything. I showed up with a hat
and a rabbit. And then the whole party went out
of control.
Speaker 3 (16:44):
And this is it, Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know
if this debate is going to change anything.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
I really don't.
Speaker 3 (16:48):
People are awfully set in the manner that they view
these proceedings. What I think is a home run answer
for one candidate, someone else views as a dodge or
a lie or any of those other things. In some ways,
it doesn't matter what they say anymore. But one thing
will always be true, and it is the quality of
the former president.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
I respect the least.
Speaker 3 (17:09):
Whenever he is cornered and forced to face even the
smallest of consequences for his own mendacity and scheming, he
reverts to the greatest refuge of scoundrels.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
As Shaggy would say, it wasn't me. I did nothing wrong.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
I just showed up. They're the ones who went crazy.
Speaker 3 (17:31):
This man who constantly professes to be your champion, who
says they're going to have to go through him to
get to you, will always when the boat is going down,
be the first into the lifeboats, because in that moment
he will always say the same thing.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
I didn't know anything about it.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
I was just told to show up for a cruise,
even though everybody knows he was the fucking captain of
the ship in any other country, that lad in any
other country, in any other country, that lack of accountability
would be disqualifying.
Speaker 14 (18:11):
Last night, Kamala Harris and Donald Trump took to the
debate stage to make their cases to Taylor, Allison Swift
and whoever else happened to be watching. It was not
a good night for Trump in terms of personal tragedies
for him. I'd put it somewhere between losing the twenty
(18:31):
twenty election and the day fox Knews started letting female
anchors wear paints, somewhere in there. And there was one
moment that was probably the best example of just how
badly Trump did at the debate in Springfield.
Speaker 7 (18:47):
They're eating the dogs the people that came in.
Speaker 9 (18:50):
They're eating the cats, They're eating they're eating the pets
of the people that lived there.
Speaker 7 (19:01):
Sir.
Speaker 12 (19:01):
The question was state your name.
Speaker 5 (19:07):
Now.
Speaker 14 (19:07):
If you were one of the many people last night
wondering why Trump was shouting.
Speaker 12 (19:11):
They're eating the dogs, let me explain.
Speaker 14 (19:15):
It started with a random Facebook post where someone accused
a Haitian immigrant of stealing and eating their neighbor's daughter's
friend's cat. And if there's one thing we know about
Facebook posts, it's that they're always rigorously fact checked. But
as with any unfounded rumor on Facebook, obviously this got
picked up by the right wing establishment and spread across
(19:37):
the Internet.
Speaker 12 (19:38):
Even jd.
Speaker 14 (19:38):
Vance promoted it while simultaneously acknowledging it was completely unfounded.
You might say he jumped in the misinformation pool but
kept his shirt on, which brings us to last night.
If there's one thing we know about a racist conspiracy theory,
it's that Donald Trump's brain will swallow it whole, like
(20:00):
a hungry immigrant at pat Co's. And that's how a
random Facebook post turn into Donald Trump's campaign slogan.
Speaker 12 (20:11):
They're eating kats of dogs.
Speaker 14 (20:14):
So it seemed like Trump had a rough performance, But
you know what, that's just my opinion. You can also
tell that Donald Trump was the loser because he did
all the things losers do when they lose. Number one,
complaining about the refs.
Speaker 9 (20:29):
I thought they were very unfair, the moderators, everybody did.
Speaker 5 (20:32):
I thought it was terrible. From the standpoint of ABC,
it was three to one. It was a rigged deal,
as I assumed it would be, because when you looked
at the fact that they were correcting everything and not
correcting with her yeah.
Speaker 14 (20:48):
Man, they were correcting you because of the things you
were saying.
Speaker 12 (20:53):
That's barely fact checking.
Speaker 14 (20:55):
The moderators were reacting like normal human beings react when
you hear the craziest shit you've ever heard. Like if
you were at a cocktail party and your friend said
trans immigrants are eating dogs in Ohio, you would say,
what there you talking about, Stu, No, they aren't. You
wouldn't be like, Okay, thank you for that. Let's move
(21:17):
on to foreign policy. You know what, it wasn't just
blaming the refs. Another way you know Trump lost is
that he was accusing his opponent of cheating.
Speaker 5 (21:27):
They had a rig show with somebody that maybe even
had the answers. I mean, I'll be honest.
Speaker 9 (21:33):
I watched her talk and I said, you know, she
seems awfully familiar with the questions.
Speaker 14 (21:38):
Okay, you think she was cheating because she seemed familiar
with the questions. It's a presidential debate. They always asked
the same questions. It's like being suspicious that someone knows
all the words to take me out to the ballgame.
(22:01):
How will you fix the economy? What's your stance on abortion?
Do you promise not to overthrow the government standard.
Speaker 12 (22:08):
Boilerplate debate questions.
Speaker 14 (22:10):
Meanwhile, Trump seemed awfully familiar with the questions that nobody asked,
like who's eating all the cats in Springfield, Ohio? But
maybe the best way you know Trump lost the debate
is that he repeatedly insisted he won.
Speaker 9 (22:28):
I think it was the best debate I've ever personalated
that I had.
Speaker 7 (22:32):
We're getting polls that showed ninety two to six, eighty
eight to eleven.
Speaker 5 (22:37):
Every single poll last night had me winning, like ninety
to ten. We had c spand at one point was
it eighty to twenty.
Speaker 9 (22:46):
And we looked at one pole it was ninety two
to seven.
Speaker 7 (22:49):
We had a ninety two percent rating.
Speaker 9 (22:51):
In one pole we had an eighty six percent rating,
and another we had seventy seven percent, ninety percent, sixty percent,
seventy two percent, seventy one.
Speaker 14 (23:02):
Wow, those certainly were numbers. Is this what Trump did
during his debate prep memorize all the numbers between seventy
and ninety eight. In fact, every moment since the debate
ended last night, Trump has.
Speaker 12 (23:22):
Been spinning and spinning and spinning.
Speaker 14 (23:25):
I mean, just listen to his response after Taylor Swift
announced she is endorsing Kamala Harris.
Speaker 5 (23:31):
Well, I actually like missus. I actually like Missus Mahomes
much better if you want at home the trip. She's
a big Trump fan. I was not a Taylor Swift fan.
Speaker 14 (23:45):
Really, really, Donald, you prefer Britney Mahomes. What's your top
five Britney Mahomes songs? This is really his angle.
Speaker 12 (23:54):
Well, I don't.
Speaker 14 (23:55):
Care, Taylor, because I like your boyfriend's coworker's wife better.
This has just been a day of pathetic, desperate spinning.
I mean, imagine if Donald Trump spent all that energy
on doing things correctly instead of pretending he did things correctly.
(24:16):
I mean, if he had worked harder preparing for the debate,
maybe he wouldn't have had to pretend he won the debate.
If he had worked harder to win in twenty twenty,
maybe he wouldn't have to pretend the election was rigged.
And if he had worked harder on January sixth, maybe
he could have overthrown the government and wouldn't have to
be debating in the first place. It's called work ethic, Donald,
(24:43):
Come on. Of course, Donald Trump wasn't the only one
spinning his performance last night. As aforementioned Vice President jd
Vance was asked about why Donald Trump ranted about illegal
immigrants eating pets, and his response was illuminating.
Speaker 12 (24:59):
Why push something that's not true.
Speaker 4 (25:03):
Well, first of all, city officials have not said it's
not true. They said they don't have all the evidence,
no evidence. We've heard from a number of constituents on
the ground, Caitlin, who both first hand and second hand
reports saying this stuff is happening. So they very clearly
meaning the people on the ground dealing with this, think
that it is happening.
Speaker 12 (25:20):
And I think that it's important.
Speaker 4 (25:21):
For journalists to actually get on the ground and uncover
this stuff for themselves.
Speaker 14 (25:25):
Okay, I'm sorry, this is not my main takeaway from
the story. But someone's cat went missing, so they called
their senator. I mean, were they like, Hm, should I
go right to the President of the United States or should.
Speaker 12 (25:41):
I start with my senator?
Speaker 14 (25:43):
You gotta update those emergency numbers on your fridge, Berry,
come on.
Speaker 12 (25:47):
But perhaps perhaps jd Vance has a point. If a story.
Speaker 14 (25:52):
Bubbles up from the right wing sewer, and it's our obligation, nay,
our duty in the mainstream media to investigate it the cost,
and that is exactly we have done here at the
Daily Show, I sent Ronnie Chang undercover to Springfields to
find out if the legal migrants are really gobbling up
our small town cats. Let's go live to him now, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie,
(26:27):
how's the investigation going?
Speaker 15 (26:29):
Well, Jordan, I mean, Ohio in a cat costume, trying
to get migrants to eat me.
Speaker 7 (26:35):
So it's not great.
Speaker 15 (26:37):
Also, it's not working, Okay. I even tender toize myself
with a jerk rob and whent arou I'm saying now meow,
I'm so tasty nothing, okay.
Speaker 14 (26:46):
Yeah, well, obviously you're not going to fool anyone with
a half assed meal like that.
Speaker 12 (26:50):
You need to commit to the role. Ronnie.
Speaker 7 (26:52):
Hey, hey, don't tell me how to commit.
Speaker 12 (26:53):
All right. How many Marvel movies are you in? Okay?
Speaker 7 (26:56):
Trust me? Trust me?
Speaker 15 (26:58):
Okay, I've tried everything. Shit in a box, I batter
around some yard, I play for dead mouse. I found nothing.
Speaker 12 (27:05):
Have you been licking your butthole?
Speaker 7 (27:06):
I can't reach my butthole.
Speaker 12 (27:08):
Did try to reach my butthole?
Speaker 7 (27:11):
Okay, I can't.
Speaker 15 (27:12):
It's impossible, which I already knew for reasons I don't
want to discuss.
Speaker 14 (27:17):
Okay, Well, then what are we gonna do about these allegations?
Speaker 15 (27:21):
I don't know, Jordan, how about we ignore them? Good
journalism doesn't mean we have to take every insane, racist
conspiracy theory at face value. Okay, let's just shit on
it and move on like I did in a box earlier.
Speaker 14 (27:36):
Wow, well, you know what, you know what, Roddie, Maybe
you're right. I appreciate you taking journalistic principles. So seriously,
you really following in the footsteps of Edward R.
Speaker 12 (27:48):
Meauro Roddy, did you hear what I said? I said,
Edward R.
Speaker 2 (27:57):
Wish you were dead?
Speaker 1 (27:58):
All right?
Speaker 7 (27:58):
Anyway?
Speaker 1 (27:59):
Oh wait, oh oh.
Speaker 12 (28:00):
Wait, wait, someone's coming.
Speaker 15 (28:01):
Someone's going. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, they're getting
gay ouf dot con.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
They're coming for me.
Speaker 12 (28:06):
They're coming.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
Hey, right right there, right there, Hello, buddy, Yes, I
mean oh.
Speaker 12 (28:13):
Oh, thank god. Okay, what happened? Were you were you?
Were you kidnapped by a hungry immigrants?
Speaker 7 (28:19):
No?
Speaker 15 (28:19):
No, no, I think I was adopted by a childless
cat lady.
Speaker 14 (28:22):
Oh all right, okay, hang time, Ronny, hay tight.
Speaker 12 (28:30):
We're sending someone to bring you back.
Speaker 5 (28:32):
Oh.
Speaker 15 (28:32):
Actually, you know what, I'll hold off. She's in the kitchen.
Speaker 12 (28:34):
Cooking me some organic chicken right now.
Speaker 15 (28:36):
I want to see how this plays out.
Speaker 12 (28:39):
How awesome I love these things? Okay, I have fun
running Running Chang. Everyone.
Speaker 16 (28:45):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch
The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central on
Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount
Speaker 7 (28:58):
Plus Paramount Podcasts
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