April 24, 2025 • 31 mins
Listen in as The Daily Show looks back at America's favorite pastime: arguing about immigration policy!
John Stewart unpacks a John McCain led "not-amnesty" plan. Resident Expert John Hodgman joins to lay out the truth about illegal immigration's health impacts. Aasif Mandvi checks in to report on anti-Mexican sentiment. Al Madrigal heads to Texas to connect with Latino immigrants. Trevor Noah attempts to untangle Trump's immigration policy, and covers the absurdity of migrants being forcefully bussed to Washington D.C. as a publicity stunt.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Turning to our top story, the debate over a new
immigration laws caused a rift between moderate Republicans who want
to reform immigration without alienating Hispanic voters, and conservatives who
would prefer to turn immigrants into some sort of food
stuff for people on medicare.
Speaker 3 (00:25):
Soylent verde. If you will, I see you've all taken stanut,
and I say done now. At the heart of this.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Debate is a bill approved by the Senate Judiciary Committee
that would let illegal aliens take steps towards citizenship. Those
steps towards citizenship, learn English, pay taxes, and start resenting
future immigrants. But critics say granting citizenship to illegal aliens
amounts to amnesty for lawbreakers.
Speaker 3 (00:58):
Senator John McCain disagrees.
Speaker 4 (01:00):
This bill that came out of the Judiciary Committee effectively
does grant amnesty to millions of immigrants who are now
here illegally.
Speaker 5 (01:08):
Well, Charlie, that's just absolutely false. It allows them to
earn citizenship.
Speaker 4 (01:13):
Well, I, at my peril get into an argument with
the guy who has fashioned this bill over the definition
of amnesty. But I said a moment ago, if they
fulfill certain conditions, which you outline. But if illegal.
Speaker 5 (01:26):
Immigrantnesty, then it's not amnesty. Amnesty is forgiveness. This is
this is payment of a fine.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
Replied Gibson. I see, well, I certainly don't want to.
Speaker 6 (01:37):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
Clearly you've almost as amnesty the bill, and why would
Charlie Gibson do that?
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Seems childish.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
The bill faces a competing proposal from Senator Bill Frist,
seen here explaining to Southeast Asian children how tears transmit AIDS.
He favors deportation for any illegals, and he explained his
position on the Fox News show Hannity and his huddling
sidekick Yearning to breathe free.
Speaker 6 (02:05):
He said, deshauned just a moment ago to hear illegally
they should go back and get in line to come
back in. But wouldn't that create an underground And you
can't just deport eleven million people And that's just not
a workable policy, is it?
Speaker 7 (02:18):
Well?
Speaker 3 (02:18):
I think it is is workable.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
It's absolutely workable. I mean, just think about Elian Gonzales.
Speaker 3 (02:26):
How easy that was. Now just times that by eleven million.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
One of the most outspoken advocates for stronger immigration reform
isn't a politician at all.
Speaker 3 (02:42):
But CNN's lou.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Dobbs, whose guest Monday night, Hispanic rights activist Janet Mergia,
defended protesters that were out there waving Mexican flags.
Speaker 8 (02:50):
There's a sense of pride with anybody. We just had
Saint Patrick's Day.
Speaker 7 (02:53):
Are you saying that Irish because they're holding up their
Irish flags, that all of a sudden they're not loyal
or they're an American?
Speaker 9 (02:59):
You're ready to to me lobbing player, I'm here. I
don't think that we should have any flag flying in
this country except the flag of the United States. I
don't think there should be a Saint Patrick's Day. I
don't care who you are.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
With more.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
I'm joined by our resident expert, John Hodgman.
Speaker 3 (03:27):
John, thank you so much for.
Speaker 10 (03:30):
You are.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
And now I need to tell you you're a leading
authority on immigration.
Speaker 8 (03:37):
Yes, that's true. In fact, the heartwarming tale of my
own immigrant past titled My Grandparents were slav or Something
comes out next Friday.
Speaker 3 (03:46):
Thanks for the play. You're very welcome, John. Why did
this bill once again not even able to come up
for a vote.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Was the so called amnesty issue just too toxic for
the Republican base.
Speaker 8 (03:58):
No, John, there was a larger con here, one that
my fellow television experts have picked up.
Speaker 11 (04:02):
On, Chuck.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
Some illegal immigrants are bringing diseases back into the US
that we thought were wiped out long ago.
Speaker 9 (04:10):
A lot of diseases are coming back, and it's because
these twelve million illegals who come across the border.
Speaker 8 (04:17):
Now, Professor Gibson and doctor Buchanan have it exactly right.
The immigration debate. Was it hard a public health issue?
I'll be blunt, John, Illegal aliens have tuberculosis and leprosy.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
John, were not. You can't.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
You can't possibly be talking about tuberculosis and leprosy, Chuck.
Speaker 10 (04:44):
Hey, John, Yeah, we're talking about tuberculosis and leprosy.
Speaker 8 (04:55):
You heard what a person on television just said, John Leary,
in this country incredible leprosy in this country incredible. Alas,
those words are as true now as they were when
(05:16):
I said them just before.
Speaker 9 (05:17):
Lou Dobsta.
Speaker 3 (05:19):
Leprosy.
Speaker 8 (05:20):
Yes, its effects are already being felt. Look at this chart, John,
because you can see in the last seven years, the
average number of fingers her American hand has dropped off,
while the number of fingers that have dropped off has
risen dramatically. If this trend continues by twenty fifteen, Well,
you can see what might happen.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
But so and that's because of illegal aliens. John, the
chart is fundamentally wrong.
Speaker 8 (05:47):
Well, John, you're right. It might not be prooves that
Americans have in the future, could be talons or claused.
Speaker 12 (05:52):
Some kind of.
Speaker 8 (05:53):
Data is still coming in, but the conclusion is inescapable.
All Mexicans are lepers.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
John, I cannot in good conscience allow this to go unchallenged.
Speaker 13 (06:08):
I'm sorry, it's good.
Speaker 8 (06:09):
I love a good debate. Put up your hoofs.
Speaker 3 (06:14):
The SoundBite that you played from Ludo.
Speaker 8 (06:15):
Yes, good fellow, ten fingers John.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
He reported there were seven thousand cases of leprosy in
America in the last three years, supposedly because of illegal aliens.
Speaker 3 (06:25):
That turned out to be wrong. Look at this.
Speaker 14 (06:27):
We check that and found a report issued by the
US Department of Health and Human Services saying seven thousand
is the number of leprosy cases over the last thirty years,
not the past three and nobody knows how many of
those cases involve illegal immigrants.
Speaker 8 (06:44):
Ah at sixty minutes Hawd He answer to that, that's
just typical limousine leopard propaganda.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Now, John, I feel like bringing these diseases out is
just a scare tactic.
Speaker 8 (06:54):
You're right, John, it is very scary, but it doesn't
stop at disease.
Speaker 9 (06:57):
They're at least thirty thousand illegal immigrants who belonged to gangs,
which are violent, which are drug dealing.
Speaker 8 (07:04):
Some are looking for trouble, try to smuggle guns and
drugs into our country, and god knows what else.
Speaker 9 (07:09):
Many of them are child molesters, they're drunk drivers, they're
rapists and robbers.
Speaker 8 (07:14):
My colleagues, Nobel Laureate Gingrich, Princeton's Albert Einstein, professor of
quantum physics Beck and doctor Buchanan have it right. Let
me be blunt, John. I can't read the prompter without
my glasses, John, So it stops there.
Speaker 3 (07:29):
I understand that.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
But stunning Buchanan himself Irish American.
Speaker 12 (07:35):
Is I don't know.
Speaker 8 (07:36):
I don't see color, John.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
You know, John, when the Irish came to this country,
they were subject to almost the exact same accusations. There
were diseased, drunkards guilty of immoral behavior.
Speaker 8 (07:47):
Well, at the time those charges may have been warranted.
I mean, look at the historical record is captured in
this file foot in from Elis Island. You can't deny
that murderous leprechauns were killing our children.
Speaker 3 (08:03):
It's a matter of fact. Your point in all this.
Speaker 8 (08:13):
Hope, John, simple pure hope that one day these tubercular, leprous,
molesting immigrants can repeat the uniquely American journey of the fiendish,
green blooded Irish from unwanted immigrants to not wanting immigrants,
while obviously still taking their orders directly from the Pope.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
John, Thank you very much, John, John Hodgman, we'll be
right by.
Speaker 3 (08:44):
Let's get right to the big story.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
For months, the country has suffered through divided government, corrosive
partisan dead luck.
Speaker 3 (08:49):
But last week in the Senate a breakthrough.
Speaker 15 (08:52):
We have reached a broad agreement on a very complicated bill.
Speaker 3 (08:57):
A complicated bill.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
So that means this bill is more than just a
renewal of the Puppies are better than Hitler Act. Not that,
not that that didn't have issues, So what was this
bill about?
Speaker 16 (09:11):
A comprehensive immigration reform bill.
Speaker 15 (09:15):
The agreement we just reached is the best possible chance
we will have in years to secure our borders, bring
millions of people out of the shadows and into the
sunshine of America.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
We must bring millions of people out of the garage
and onto the front yards of America where they can Luis,
I told you I needed the driveway clean.
Speaker 3 (09:42):
I guess is my point? Vote Quimby?
Speaker 2 (09:46):
All right, how would the country react to this very
rare display of statesmanship? But if immigrant groups are angry
over the bill, at least that means the anti immigrant
crowd must be pleased.
Speaker 3 (09:56):
What do you think of the deal?
Speaker 4 (09:58):
I think the deal stinks.
Speaker 13 (10:05):
Blunt.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
There's no way this great Republic can afford this legislation.
Speaker 3 (10:11):
Dramatic.
Speaker 17 (10:12):
We're turning over more to Canada and Mexico, and I
do not like that. It's a destruction of our sovereignty.
Speaker 3 (10:25):
I guess that was Leghorn esque. I'll share, I'll share, Shay,
I'll shall share. Gotta I gotta respect my sovereignty.
Speaker 13 (10:38):
So the left is piste off, the right is pissed off.
Speaker 2 (10:46):
And ladies and gentlemen, here comes the president, flanked by
his silent wingmen. All right, here's the plan. We're gonna
go out there. I'm gonna do some immigration talking now.
If everything goes good, I'll take some questions. But if
anyone sees anything suspicious, like a squirrel or something, we
just pivot, turn and walk away like we rehearse. Comprehendive.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
Okay, let's do it.
Speaker 5 (11:07):
I really am anxious to sign a comprehensive immigration bill
as soon as I possibly can.
Speaker 4 (11:14):
Today we took a good step toward that direction.
Speaker 3 (11:16):
Thank you. Hey, is the squirrel following us?
Speaker 7 (11:26):
So?
Speaker 10 (11:27):
What is the uh?
Speaker 2 (11:30):
We have the advantage of writing to footage what is
the bill? Basically, some immigrants already in the country illegally
will have to pay a five thousand dollars fine, and
then the head of their household will make a touchback
trip to their home country, at which point they can
apply for z visas they have a chance at gaining
permanent legal status within eight years, or one can apply
for a probationary card to stay in the country without
permanent status possibilities for four years or until borders are secured,
(11:53):
or you can get a guest worker. Why visa renewable
every two years, although there's only four hundred thousand of
those that are app based of course, on market fluctuations.
Of course, you understand all that because you're an illegal
alien who doesn't speak English very well and lives in
fear deportation. For more on the immigration bill, returned to
(12:22):
as If manvis standing by in Washington as.
Speaker 18 (12:25):
Things and must begin.
Speaker 14 (12:29):
So Asif.
Speaker 19 (12:31):
Basically the idea is.
Speaker 3 (12:33):
There are different types of visas.
Speaker 2 (12:35):
People already on the margins of societies also have to
come up with five thousand dollars.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
This legal legalization process does not sound easy.
Speaker 13 (12:43):
Well, it's not supposed to be, John. It wasn't easy
for our European ancestors. They had a long, arduous journey
just to get here, and then they had to kill
a continence worth of squatters while still suffering from boltlag.
I think these new immigrants have it easy. Give me
a choice between wiping out a nation of indigenous peoples
(13:04):
and bussing tables. It's no contest.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
Better tips awsif.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Obviously not not to get personal, but you yourself were
not born here, You're you're brown.
Speaker 3 (13:24):
I was going to suggest, it's.
Speaker 13 (13:28):
Fine, John, I know I'm brown, but I'm from India.
I'm tech support slash cardiologists brown. Shout out, not dishwasher
slash Los Angeles parking attendant brown. And I say that
with no disrespect.
Speaker 3 (13:56):
Of course not awsive.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
But doesn't this really point out with this bill is
isn't this bill really about the fact that these immigrants
are Mexicans?
Speaker 13 (14:04):
Absolutely not, John, This debate has nothing to do with
the ethnicity of these Mexicans.
Speaker 3 (14:15):
You're not in your head, Austin.
Speaker 13 (14:17):
Oh, it's a nervous tick. Mexicans make me nervous.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
Another controversial aspect of the bill is that families of
these immigrants will no longer be given special status that
they used to have. Immigrant status will be evaluated on
some kind of point system.
Speaker 13 (14:32):
That's right. For example, immigrants to speak English, we'll get
ten points, those who work in science and healthcare get
eight points, military service five points, no leprosy two points,
and if you use all your letters, fifty bonus points.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
Austin, what is the point system trying to accomplish?
Speaker 20 (14:52):
Well?
Speaker 13 (14:52):
That lets us know who's worthy. You know, people like
you could be satisfied with this being a nation of
twelve to fifteen point immigrants.
Speaker 12 (14:59):
I think we can do better.
Speaker 13 (15:01):
It'll be like the SATs. Assigning a point value will
keep us from becoming a safety country. This is America, John,
not Wesleyan, but it.
Speaker 3 (15:14):
Is the antithesis of our founding us.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
If what happened to the motto, the old motto give
us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to
breathe free, Well, that was.
Speaker 13 (15:24):
The old slogan. John America has rebranded it's immigration policy,
and the new slogan is what can Brown.
Speaker 3 (15:33):
Do for you?
Speaker 18 (15:39):
Illegal immigration is on everyone's minds, and the increasing population
of Latinos has plenty of white Americans concerned. I sat
down with four of those extremely passionate citizens.
Speaker 21 (15:51):
If you look around, there's a lot of Hispanic people.
I mean not that there's any I'm not racist or anything,
but imigrants to keep populating. We might have two kids,
what do they have four or five kids? I would
say in seven, eight, yeah, maybe nine.
Speaker 12 (16:06):
Maybe I should have mentioned I was Latino.
Speaker 3 (16:08):
All cultures are not equal. I live in Korea.
Speaker 12 (16:12):
Challenge here, So you're you're saying your problem is Koreans. No,
Koreans are fine, but see, Koreans are different.
Speaker 3 (16:18):
Koreans are like Chinese.
Speaker 7 (16:19):
You don't see problems with the Chinese immigrants, even though
they're illegal.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
It's getting hot here, certainly sweat through my shirt.
Speaker 18 (16:27):
Latinos are worse than both Koreans and the Chinese.
Speaker 12 (16:31):
That's a fact.
Speaker 18 (16:32):
But law enforcement agents like Richard Jones know how to
stop this illegal menace.
Speaker 12 (16:36):
And I suppose you're going to say the solution is
to round everybody up.
Speaker 11 (16:40):
No, the solution is not to round them all up.
The solution is to where they don't have the stuff
that they've got here, free stuff.
Speaker 21 (16:48):
For free stuff, free stuff.
Speaker 11 (16:51):
You get a computer when you come here.
Speaker 21 (16:54):
What kind of computer?
Speaker 2 (16:54):
Every talking a new computer?
Speaker 21 (16:55):
The Dell Gateway type of thing.
Speaker 11 (16:57):
They get new computers. They get their are payments, they
get their house payments. They get free medical care where
they get it here in the United States.
Speaker 12 (17:07):
No, but specifically where.
Speaker 6 (17:08):
I would love to get some free computers and some
free medical care.
Speaker 11 (17:12):
I've got to come here illegally to get the free style.
It's welfare at its worst.
Speaker 18 (17:19):
I wanted to talk to these Mexican moochers, and luckily
I was in a police with a lot of them. Texas,
a state where Latinos will outnumber everyone by twenty twenty,
which made it really easy to put together a panel
of Latino immigrants.
Speaker 12 (17:33):
I'm myself and from Alpaso, Texas.
Speaker 21 (17:35):
You just said you were Texan, Yeah, wait, wait, wait.
Speaker 3 (17:39):
Show of hands.
Speaker 12 (17:40):
How many of you people are in Texas? The stars
at night are big and bright.
Speaker 10 (17:48):
Texas.
Speaker 3 (17:49):
Clearly you look Latino.
Speaker 12 (17:52):
But you're really claiming that you're Texas.
Speaker 3 (17:54):
I was born in Texas, but my heritage is Mexican.
Speaker 12 (17:58):
What damn it? Those were the wrong types of Latinos.
I needed the illegals with the free computers, so I
went deep undercover. Edward James almost stopped.
Speaker 18 (18:12):
How long have you been taking free benefits from the
United States?
Speaker 10 (18:17):
Never?
Speaker 12 (18:17):
I work here really hard.
Speaker 13 (18:19):
I never received nothing.
Speaker 12 (18:21):
You get free things and you know it.
Speaker 3 (18:23):
No, when did you come to America?
Speaker 20 (18:28):
Jesus?
Speaker 3 (18:28):
One second?
Speaker 12 (18:28):
How do you turn this thing down? Jesus?
Speaker 10 (18:31):
Oh seriously, how do you turn this down?
Speaker 3 (18:33):
With the let's switch man?
Speaker 12 (18:34):
So fellas dress pretty nice for landscapers. Landscapers manage my
family business.
Speaker 13 (18:41):
I work on a law firm.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
But can you please not talk like that?
Speaker 12 (18:44):
Like what the way you're talking about?
Speaker 3 (18:46):
He dressed like such a dick? What are you talking about? Bro?
Speaker 12 (18:50):
This is how Latinos dress.
Speaker 3 (18:52):
Maybe in nineteen ninety.
Speaker 12 (18:54):
Two, bro, But don't let these seemingly nice people fool you.
Speaker 11 (19:02):
The illegals that come into this country theirs is to
come in and take and not pay the taxes. And
that's not the American dream.
Speaker 12 (19:09):
Who exactly are we talking about.
Speaker 11 (19:12):
They're not wealthy people sneaking across it, not wealth at all. No,
you can't just come across on your own. They call
them their their mules, and if you have nothing to pay,
they'll abuse you along the way.
Speaker 10 (19:23):
It sounds exhausting, very exhausting.
Speaker 12 (19:26):
And so they have them all huddled together in these groups.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
Yes, why what are they yearning for to feel free?
Speaker 18 (19:34):
See you're saying that there are tired, poor, huddled masses
yearning for freedom.
Speaker 12 (19:42):
That's not what America is about.
Speaker 11 (19:48):
It's not why I'm saying at all.
Speaker 3 (19:49):
Just get behind the line.
Speaker 11 (19:50):
That's how we keep it this beautiful in a great country.
Speaker 12 (19:54):
But for how long? Because the menace is already here.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
They're already in your state, your town, maybe even your street,
and they are cold latinos.
Speaker 2 (20:13):
You got dinners.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
Boston market watch out because they're not leaving until they
get what they came for. Nice yet a life as
boring as yours, and they are prepared to do anything
to get it.
Speaker 12 (20:34):
Yard.
Speaker 9 (20:34):
Don't forget the Book of Burgers for Tracy.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
And the LA chips are down and their backs are
against the wall. They'll make the best things also you've
ever had. So wake up, America. The Latinos aren't coming.
They're already here Latinos.
Speaker 10 (21:00):
Now that the tax plan has passed, the biggest issue
facing Washington is immigration reform.
Speaker 20 (21:05):
Now.
Speaker 10 (21:05):
Unfortunately, Democrats and Republicans have never been able to agree
on this issue. Do you kick all the illegal immigrants out?
Do you give them a path to citizenship? Do you
take their cuisine and then kick them out? Do you
clean their house?
Speaker 6 (21:20):
Like?
Speaker 13 (21:20):
What do you do?
Speaker 3 (21:20):
What do you do?
Speaker 10 (21:21):
It's a contentious issue and no one has been able
to get both parties to make a deal. Fortunately, America
elected a man with a particular set of skills. As
he told us when he was still applying for the job.
Speaker 16 (21:33):
With Congress, you have to get everybody in a room
and you have to get him to agree. But you
have to get him to agree what you want. And
that's part of being a deal maker. You can't leave
the White House, go to Hawaii and play golf for
three weeks and be a real deal maker.
Speaker 20 (21:47):
It doesn't work that way.
Speaker 16 (21:49):
You have to get people in, grab them, hug them,
kiss them, and get the deal done. But it's gotta
be the deal that you want.
Speaker 10 (21:57):
Yeah, a deal making president conscious go to hole and
play golf. He goes to Florida.
Speaker 3 (22:03):
It's much closer.
Speaker 10 (22:04):
You get an extra nine holes in and you grabbed
the people and you hug them and you kiss it.
Like turn into Harvey Weinstein in the middle of the
rows going on. So Trump promised to get Republicans and
Democrats into a room, and guess what, yesterday, that's exactly
what he did, assembling over a dozen congressional leaders to
negotiate immigration. Now, what made this meeting special is that
(22:25):
Trump invitesed cameras into the room, which was mind blowing
because finally we'd get to see the president take charge.
So go on, mister President, tell these fools your position.
Speaker 16 (22:36):
My positions are going to be what the people in
this room.
Speaker 20 (22:39):
Come up with.
Speaker 16 (22:40):
I am very much reliant on the people in this room.
If they come to me with things that I'm not
in love with, I'm gonna do it because I respect them.
Speaker 10 (22:51):
I love that he's acting like a tough, in control
leader while at the same time telling everyone he will
do anything they want. He's like, let's get this straight, asshole,
I'm your bitch.
Speaker 12 (23:03):
You will walk all over me.
Speaker 10 (23:09):
And if you got a problem with that, I apologize.
Speaker 3 (23:14):
Now.
Speaker 10 (23:14):
The main discussion in this meeting was what to do
about DHAKA, which is expiring in March.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
Now.
Speaker 10 (23:19):
DAKA has a program that allows around seven hundred thousand
undocumented immigrants who were brought to the US when they
were children to stay in the US and not to
be deported because think about it, they could be punished
for a decision that their parents made to bring them here.
You know, It's like how you were punished for your parents'
decision to take you to supercuts. It's not your faults. Now,
(23:40):
Democrats want to pass DACA right now. Republicans also wanted
to pass DACA, but only if the Democrats also agree
to fund more border security. And of course Trump's war
you guys remember the war, Yeah, the one where Mexico
is like, you guys are dumb?
Speaker 2 (23:53):
That one?
Speaker 10 (23:53):
Remember that wall. So while both sides want DHACA, there's
a clean DHAKA and then there's DHAKA with everything else.
And if you were running a high level negotiation about DOCCA,
this would be a key concept to understand. But if
I told you that there was one person in the
room yesterday who didn't quite understand. I'll bet you can
(24:14):
guess who it was, So please enjoy this moment as
Republican Kevin McCaughey has to jump in to help the
President understand that he's just agreed with the opposite of
what he said he always wanted.
Speaker 7 (24:31):
I'd like to ask the question, what about a clean
Docaville now and with the commitment that we go into
a comprehensive immigration reform procedures.
Speaker 16 (24:41):
I think a lot of people would like to see them,
but I think we have to do doctor.
Speaker 12 (24:45):
Mister President, you need to be clear, though.
Speaker 11 (24:47):
I think what Senator Feinstein's asking here when we talk
about just DOCCA, we don't want to be.
Speaker 7 (24:52):
Back here two years later.
Speaker 11 (24:53):
You have to have security, as the Secretary would tell you.
Speaker 16 (24:56):
I think that's what you're say.
Speaker 10 (25:00):
It looks like McCarthy was gently correcting a stupid kid.
Speaker 7 (25:04):
You know.
Speaker 10 (25:04):
It's just like I want clean doc out. No, mister President,
you don't want clean DOCA.
Speaker 3 (25:08):
I don't want clean doc up. I want lie.
Speaker 10 (25:12):
I think it's so cute that whenever Trump is out
of his depth, he gives himself away with that little
hug that he gives himself a comfort. You know, it's
like his a little thundershirt. He does that thing.
Speaker 3 (25:21):
Yeah, look at him, he looks He looks like the.
Speaker 12 (25:23):
Oldest bee boy in the crew.
Speaker 9 (25:24):
You know.
Speaker 10 (25:26):
All you have to do is put him in a
music video and he would crush it. He would just
be killing the game. Go DJ, go DJ, Go DJ
go DJ. But actually, actually, it's not fair to say
that Trump knows nothing about what he wants on immigration reform.
Speaker 9 (25:43):
Right.
Speaker 10 (25:43):
He might be a little shots on facts, but the
important thing is he's got the feeling.
Speaker 16 (25:48):
Having the Democrats in with us is absolutely vital because
this should be a bipartisan there.
Speaker 20 (25:54):
There should be a bill of love.
Speaker 16 (25:56):
Truly should be a bill of love.
Speaker 10 (25:58):
That's right, people, there should be a bill of love,
which is ridiculous. You don't get to call that a
bill of love. Right. That's a bill that funds a
two thousand mile wall. You don't call that the bill
of love, even if the wall is full of glory holes, right,
which I fully believe Trump wants. That's not real love, right,
(26:22):
A cheap fix sure does it feel great, yes, but
real love, I mean, unless you go back to the
whole regularly and the whole knows your name, then maybe,
like if you care for the whole and the whole
cares for you, then maybe it's love. Like the real
question is what are you willing to do for the whole?
And do you expect the hole to do anything return?
(26:42):
That's real love mischief. But it's funny to hear Trump
talking about love and immigration, especially after you hear the
cruel decision that he made on Monday.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
About two hundred thousand immigrants from l Salvador could face
deportation next year after the White House announced it is
ending their temporary protected status.
Speaker 22 (27:04):
These individuals who had been granted temporary protected status now
have eighteen months to try to find another legal way
to stay in the United States or be sent back
to Al Salvador. Many of them fled Al Salvador because
of violence during that country civil war or after the
two thousand and one earthquake which devastated the country.
Speaker 10 (27:21):
Yeah, while President Bill of Love puts on a show
for the cameras, behind the scenes, his administration is kicking
out two hundred thousand people who have lived in the
US legally for decades, which is heartless because these people
have set up their whole lives. They have jobs, they
have houses. Many of them have kids who were born
(27:41):
in the US. These are families, mister President, human beings.
You can't just treat them the same way you treat Eric.
All Right, Our first story kicks off in Texas, easily
one of my favorite states to visits. Yeahlast time I
went to Texas, Ted Cruz took me out to all
(28:02):
of his favorite restaurants. Yeah, and everything had spit in it,
but it was still delicious, It really was.
Speaker 20 (28:07):
So I'm definitely going back.
Speaker 10 (28:08):
But over the past few years, Texas governor has been
scaling back the state's hospitality, particularly towards undocumented immigrants. He's
had them arrested, He's called out the National Guard. He
even told citizens to quote take matters into their own hands.
Speaker 7 (28:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 10 (28:24):
But last week, Governor Abott he took things to a
whole new level when he decided to start bussing illegal
immigrants from Texas all the way to Washington, d C. Yeah,
as a way to hit back at the Biden administration's
immigration policies. And now the first bus has.
Speaker 15 (28:40):
Arrived about an hour ago.
Speaker 10 (28:43):
The first bus full of migrants from Texas arrived right
outside the Fox Bureau in Washington, d C.
Speaker 20 (28:49):
This bus took off from Del Rio, Texas. It left
Saturday at four pm, I'm told, and has traveled for
over three days straight to get here. There's a group
from Nicaragua. I was just spoke to six young men
from Venezuela. I asked him what they wanted to do next.
They said they wanted to go to Miami, and I
asked if they were gonna get there. They said, they
didn't know. They're here in this country. They're willing to
(29:10):
work hard.
Speaker 19 (29:11):
We're here in the food court at Union Station, where
a lot of them have been getting something to eat
because this was a thirty four hour bus ride. They
said they are very excited to be here. They feel welcome.
They said that they know that they are a prop
in all of this, but they wanted to come anyway.
Speaker 10 (29:28):
You know, I don't care what anyone says. America is
one of the craziest countries in the world, because what
is happening here?
Speaker 20 (29:34):
People?
Speaker 10 (29:34):
Do you see what is happening here? One day the
governor's building a wall to keep immigrants out, and the
next day he's giving them a free ride to the Capitol.
Speaker 12 (29:41):
What are you doing?
Speaker 10 (29:43):
But I also don't think that he fully thought this through,
because if you're trying to deter immigrants, don't you think
this sends a mixed message.
Speaker 12 (29:50):
No, huh yeah, because you realize they're gonna be calling home.
Speaker 10 (29:53):
Like you know, as soon as I crossed the border,
they captured me and they took me to Washington, DCA.
Speaker 12 (29:58):
I think I want to meet the president.
Speaker 10 (29:59):
Oh man, you guys gotta come over as quick as
you can, say, say, Greg Abbott sank you man.
Speaker 3 (30:03):
It's crazy.
Speaker 10 (30:06):
Also, of all of the places to drop the people,
if you chose Fox News is headquarters in DC. Really,
how are you gonna do that to Fox News? Man?
Those people are already terrified of imaginary immigrants. Now what
are they gonna do when the real ones show up?
Those people are canny kids.
Speaker 12 (30:25):
God is like everyone's showing up to the Fox Bureau.
Speaker 10 (30:28):
I bet in that office everyone's screaming like.
Speaker 12 (30:30):
Oh my god, the caravan is here.
Speaker 10 (30:32):
What I thought we made that up?
Speaker 12 (30:34):
I thought so too.
Speaker 10 (30:39):
It's a so interesting that the immigrants know that they're
being used as pawns, but they're willing to.
Speaker 3 (30:43):
Get shipped out of Texas. Anywhere.
Speaker 10 (30:44):
I like that, and I like their honesty. They're like, yeah,
we get what's happening here, but we're fine. I guess
maybe they just prefer to be in a state.
Speaker 12 (30:50):
With a reliable power grid.
Speaker 10 (30:51):
That's what they were going for, you know.
Speaker 18 (30:54):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever.
Speaker 13 (30:58):
You get your podcast.
Speaker 12 (31:00):
Watch The Daily Show weeknights at eleven.
Speaker 16 (31:02):
Tenth Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime
on Paramount
Speaker 12 (31:06):
Plus Paramount Podcasts
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Turning to our top story, the debate over a new
immigration laws caused a rift between moderate Republicans who want
to reform immigration without alienating Hispanic voters, and conservatives who
would prefer to turn immigrants into some sort of food
stuff for people on medicare.
Speaker 3 (00:25):
Soylent verde. If you will, I see you've all taken stanut,
and I say done now. At the heart of this.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Debate is a bill approved by the Senate Judiciary Committee
that would let illegal aliens take steps towards citizenship. Those
steps towards citizenship, learn English, pay taxes, and start resenting
future immigrants. But critics say granting citizenship to illegal aliens
amounts to amnesty for lawbreakers.
Speaker 3 (00:58):
Senator John McCain disagrees.
Speaker 4 (01:00):
This bill that came out of the Judiciary Committee effectively
does grant amnesty to millions of immigrants who are now
here illegally.
Speaker 5 (01:08):
Well, Charlie, that's just absolutely false. It allows them to
earn citizenship.
Speaker 4 (01:13):
Well, I, at my peril get into an argument with
the guy who has fashioned this bill over the definition
of amnesty. But I said a moment ago, if they
fulfill certain conditions, which you outline. But if illegal.
Speaker 5 (01:26):
Immigrantnesty, then it's not amnesty. Amnesty is forgiveness. This is
this is payment of a fine.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
Replied Gibson. I see, well, I certainly don't want to.
Speaker 6 (01:37):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
Clearly you've almost as amnesty the bill, and why would
Charlie Gibson do that?
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Seems childish.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
The bill faces a competing proposal from Senator Bill Frist,
seen here explaining to Southeast Asian children how tears transmit AIDS.
He favors deportation for any illegals, and he explained his
position on the Fox News show Hannity and his huddling
sidekick Yearning to breathe free.
Speaker 6 (02:05):
He said, deshauned just a moment ago to hear illegally
they should go back and get in line to come
back in. But wouldn't that create an underground And you
can't just deport eleven million people And that's just not
a workable policy, is it?
Speaker 7 (02:18):
Well?
Speaker 3 (02:18):
I think it is is workable.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
It's absolutely workable. I mean, just think about Elian Gonzales.
Speaker 3 (02:26):
How easy that was. Now just times that by eleven million.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
One of the most outspoken advocates for stronger immigration reform
isn't a politician at all.
Speaker 3 (02:42):
But CNN's lou.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Dobbs, whose guest Monday night, Hispanic rights activist Janet Mergia,
defended protesters that were out there waving Mexican flags.
Speaker 8 (02:50):
There's a sense of pride with anybody. We just had
Saint Patrick's Day.
Speaker 7 (02:53):
Are you saying that Irish because they're holding up their
Irish flags, that all of a sudden they're not loyal
or they're an American?
Speaker 9 (02:59):
You're ready to to me lobbing player, I'm here. I
don't think that we should have any flag flying in
this country except the flag of the United States. I
don't think there should be a Saint Patrick's Day. I
don't care who you are.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
With more.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
I'm joined by our resident expert, John Hodgman.
Speaker 3 (03:27):
John, thank you so much for.
Speaker 10 (03:30):
You are.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
And now I need to tell you you're a leading
authority on immigration.
Speaker 8 (03:37):
Yes, that's true. In fact, the heartwarming tale of my
own immigrant past titled My Grandparents were slav or Something
comes out next Friday.
Speaker 3 (03:46):
Thanks for the play. You're very welcome, John. Why did
this bill once again not even able to come up
for a vote.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Was the so called amnesty issue just too toxic for
the Republican base.
Speaker 8 (03:58):
No, John, there was a larger con here, one that
my fellow television experts have picked up.
Speaker 11 (04:02):
On, Chuck.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
Some illegal immigrants are bringing diseases back into the US
that we thought were wiped out long ago.
Speaker 9 (04:10):
A lot of diseases are coming back, and it's because
these twelve million illegals who come across the border.
Speaker 8 (04:17):
Now, Professor Gibson and doctor Buchanan have it exactly right.
The immigration debate. Was it hard a public health issue?
I'll be blunt, John, Illegal aliens have tuberculosis and leprosy.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
John, were not. You can't.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
You can't possibly be talking about tuberculosis and leprosy, Chuck.
Speaker 10 (04:44):
Hey, John, Yeah, we're talking about tuberculosis and leprosy.
Speaker 8 (04:55):
You heard what a person on television just said, John Leary,
in this country incredible leprosy in this country incredible. Alas,
those words are as true now as they were when
(05:16):
I said them just before.
Speaker 9 (05:17):
Lou Dobsta.
Speaker 3 (05:19):
Leprosy.
Speaker 8 (05:20):
Yes, its effects are already being felt. Look at this chart, John,
because you can see in the last seven years, the
average number of fingers her American hand has dropped off,
while the number of fingers that have dropped off has
risen dramatically. If this trend continues by twenty fifteen, Well,
you can see what might happen.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
But so and that's because of illegal aliens. John, the
chart is fundamentally wrong.
Speaker 8 (05:47):
Well, John, you're right. It might not be prooves that
Americans have in the future, could be talons or claused.
Speaker 12 (05:52):
Some kind of.
Speaker 8 (05:53):
Data is still coming in, but the conclusion is inescapable.
All Mexicans are lepers.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
John, I cannot in good conscience allow this to go unchallenged.
Speaker 13 (06:08):
I'm sorry, it's good.
Speaker 8 (06:09):
I love a good debate. Put up your hoofs.
Speaker 3 (06:14):
The SoundBite that you played from Ludo.
Speaker 8 (06:15):
Yes, good fellow, ten fingers John.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
He reported there were seven thousand cases of leprosy in
America in the last three years, supposedly because of illegal aliens.
Speaker 3 (06:25):
That turned out to be wrong. Look at this.
Speaker 14 (06:27):
We check that and found a report issued by the
US Department of Health and Human Services saying seven thousand
is the number of leprosy cases over the last thirty years,
not the past three and nobody knows how many of
those cases involve illegal immigrants.
Speaker 8 (06:44):
Ah at sixty minutes Hawd He answer to that, that's
just typical limousine leopard propaganda.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Now, John, I feel like bringing these diseases out is
just a scare tactic.
Speaker 8 (06:54):
You're right, John, it is very scary, but it doesn't
stop at disease.
Speaker 9 (06:57):
They're at least thirty thousand illegal immigrants who belonged to gangs,
which are violent, which are drug dealing.
Speaker 8 (07:04):
Some are looking for trouble, try to smuggle guns and
drugs into our country, and god knows what else.
Speaker 9 (07:09):
Many of them are child molesters, they're drunk drivers, they're
rapists and robbers.
Speaker 8 (07:14):
My colleagues, Nobel Laureate Gingrich, Princeton's Albert Einstein, professor of
quantum physics Beck and doctor Buchanan have it right. Let
me be blunt, John. I can't read the prompter without
my glasses, John, So it stops there.
Speaker 3 (07:29):
I understand that.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
But stunning Buchanan himself Irish American.
Speaker 12 (07:35):
Is I don't know.
Speaker 8 (07:36):
I don't see color, John.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
You know, John, when the Irish came to this country,
they were subject to almost the exact same accusations. There
were diseased, drunkards guilty of immoral behavior.
Speaker 8 (07:47):
Well, at the time those charges may have been warranted.
I mean, look at the historical record is captured in
this file foot in from Elis Island. You can't deny
that murderous leprechauns were killing our children.
Speaker 3 (08:03):
It's a matter of fact. Your point in all this.
Speaker 8 (08:13):
Hope, John, simple pure hope that one day these tubercular, leprous,
molesting immigrants can repeat the uniquely American journey of the fiendish,
green blooded Irish from unwanted immigrants to not wanting immigrants,
while obviously still taking their orders directly from the Pope.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
John, Thank you very much, John, John Hodgman, we'll be
right by.
Speaker 3 (08:44):
Let's get right to the big story.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
For months, the country has suffered through divided government, corrosive
partisan dead luck.
Speaker 3 (08:49):
But last week in the Senate a breakthrough.
Speaker 15 (08:52):
We have reached a broad agreement on a very complicated bill.
Speaker 3 (08:57):
A complicated bill.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
So that means this bill is more than just a
renewal of the Puppies are better than Hitler Act. Not that,
not that that didn't have issues, So what was this
bill about?
Speaker 16 (09:11):
A comprehensive immigration reform bill.
Speaker 15 (09:15):
The agreement we just reached is the best possible chance
we will have in years to secure our borders, bring
millions of people out of the shadows and into the
sunshine of America.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
We must bring millions of people out of the garage
and onto the front yards of America where they can Luis,
I told you I needed the driveway clean.
Speaker 3 (09:42):
I guess is my point? Vote Quimby?
Speaker 2 (09:46):
All right, how would the country react to this very
rare display of statesmanship? But if immigrant groups are angry
over the bill, at least that means the anti immigrant
crowd must be pleased.
Speaker 3 (09:56):
What do you think of the deal?
Speaker 4 (09:58):
I think the deal stinks.
Speaker 13 (10:05):
Blunt.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
There's no way this great Republic can afford this legislation.
Speaker 3 (10:11):
Dramatic.
Speaker 17 (10:12):
We're turning over more to Canada and Mexico, and I
do not like that. It's a destruction of our sovereignty.
Speaker 3 (10:25):
I guess that was Leghorn esque. I'll share, I'll share, Shay,
I'll shall share. Gotta I gotta respect my sovereignty.
Speaker 13 (10:38):
So the left is piste off, the right is pissed off.
Speaker 2 (10:46):
And ladies and gentlemen, here comes the president, flanked by
his silent wingmen. All right, here's the plan. We're gonna
go out there. I'm gonna do some immigration talking now.
If everything goes good, I'll take some questions. But if
anyone sees anything suspicious, like a squirrel or something, we
just pivot, turn and walk away like we rehearse. Comprehendive.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
Okay, let's do it.
Speaker 5 (11:07):
I really am anxious to sign a comprehensive immigration bill
as soon as I possibly can.
Speaker 4 (11:14):
Today we took a good step toward that direction.
Speaker 3 (11:16):
Thank you. Hey, is the squirrel following us?
Speaker 7 (11:26):
So?
Speaker 10 (11:27):
What is the uh?
Speaker 2 (11:30):
We have the advantage of writing to footage what is
the bill? Basically, some immigrants already in the country illegally
will have to pay a five thousand dollars fine, and
then the head of their household will make a touchback
trip to their home country, at which point they can
apply for z visas they have a chance at gaining
permanent legal status within eight years, or one can apply
for a probationary card to stay in the country without
permanent status possibilities for four years or until borders are secured,
(11:53):
or you can get a guest worker. Why visa renewable
every two years, although there's only four hundred thousand of
those that are app based of course, on market fluctuations.
Of course, you understand all that because you're an illegal
alien who doesn't speak English very well and lives in
fear deportation. For more on the immigration bill, returned to
(12:22):
as If manvis standing by in Washington as.
Speaker 18 (12:25):
Things and must begin.
Speaker 14 (12:29):
So Asif.
Speaker 19 (12:31):
Basically the idea is.
Speaker 3 (12:33):
There are different types of visas.
Speaker 2 (12:35):
People already on the margins of societies also have to
come up with five thousand dollars.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
This legal legalization process does not sound easy.
Speaker 13 (12:43):
Well, it's not supposed to be, John. It wasn't easy
for our European ancestors. They had a long, arduous journey
just to get here, and then they had to kill
a continence worth of squatters while still suffering from boltlag.
I think these new immigrants have it easy. Give me
a choice between wiping out a nation of indigenous peoples
(13:04):
and bussing tables. It's no contest.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
Better tips awsif.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Obviously not not to get personal, but you yourself were
not born here, You're you're brown.
Speaker 3 (13:24):
I was going to suggest, it's.
Speaker 13 (13:28):
Fine, John, I know I'm brown, but I'm from India.
I'm tech support slash cardiologists brown. Shout out, not dishwasher
slash Los Angeles parking attendant brown. And I say that
with no disrespect.
Speaker 3 (13:56):
Of course not awsive.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
But doesn't this really point out with this bill is
isn't this bill really about the fact that these immigrants
are Mexicans?
Speaker 13 (14:04):
Absolutely not, John, This debate has nothing to do with
the ethnicity of these Mexicans.
Speaker 3 (14:15):
You're not in your head, Austin.
Speaker 13 (14:17):
Oh, it's a nervous tick. Mexicans make me nervous.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
Another controversial aspect of the bill is that families of
these immigrants will no longer be given special status that
they used to have. Immigrant status will be evaluated on
some kind of point system.
Speaker 13 (14:32):
That's right. For example, immigrants to speak English, we'll get
ten points, those who work in science and healthcare get
eight points, military service five points, no leprosy two points,
and if you use all your letters, fifty bonus points.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
Austin, what is the point system trying to accomplish?
Speaker 20 (14:52):
Well?
Speaker 13 (14:52):
That lets us know who's worthy. You know, people like
you could be satisfied with this being a nation of
twelve to fifteen point immigrants.
Speaker 12 (14:59):
I think we can do better.
Speaker 13 (15:01):
It'll be like the SATs. Assigning a point value will
keep us from becoming a safety country. This is America, John,
not Wesleyan, but it.
Speaker 3 (15:14):
Is the antithesis of our founding us.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
If what happened to the motto, the old motto give
us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to
breathe free, Well, that was.
Speaker 13 (15:24):
The old slogan. John America has rebranded it's immigration policy,
and the new slogan is what can Brown.
Speaker 3 (15:33):
Do for you?
Speaker 18 (15:39):
Illegal immigration is on everyone's minds, and the increasing population
of Latinos has plenty of white Americans concerned. I sat
down with four of those extremely passionate citizens.
Speaker 21 (15:51):
If you look around, there's a lot of Hispanic people.
I mean not that there's any I'm not racist or anything,
but imigrants to keep populating. We might have two kids,
what do they have four or five kids? I would
say in seven, eight, yeah, maybe nine.
Speaker 12 (16:06):
Maybe I should have mentioned I was Latino.
Speaker 3 (16:08):
All cultures are not equal. I live in Korea.
Speaker 12 (16:12):
Challenge here, So you're you're saying your problem is Koreans. No,
Koreans are fine, but see, Koreans are different.
Speaker 3 (16:18):
Koreans are like Chinese.
Speaker 7 (16:19):
You don't see problems with the Chinese immigrants, even though
they're illegal.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
It's getting hot here, certainly sweat through my shirt.
Speaker 18 (16:27):
Latinos are worse than both Koreans and the Chinese.
Speaker 12 (16:31):
That's a fact.
Speaker 18 (16:32):
But law enforcement agents like Richard Jones know how to
stop this illegal menace.
Speaker 12 (16:36):
And I suppose you're going to say the solution is
to round everybody up.
Speaker 11 (16:40):
No, the solution is not to round them all up.
The solution is to where they don't have the stuff
that they've got here, free stuff.
Speaker 21 (16:48):
For free stuff, free stuff.
Speaker 11 (16:51):
You get a computer when you come here.
Speaker 21 (16:54):
What kind of computer?
Speaker 2 (16:54):
Every talking a new computer?
Speaker 21 (16:55):
The Dell Gateway type of thing.
Speaker 11 (16:57):
They get new computers. They get their are payments, they
get their house payments. They get free medical care where
they get it here in the United States.
Speaker 12 (17:07):
No, but specifically where.
Speaker 6 (17:08):
I would love to get some free computers and some
free medical care.
Speaker 11 (17:12):
I've got to come here illegally to get the free style.
It's welfare at its worst.
Speaker 18 (17:19):
I wanted to talk to these Mexican moochers, and luckily
I was in a police with a lot of them. Texas,
a state where Latinos will outnumber everyone by twenty twenty,
which made it really easy to put together a panel
of Latino immigrants.
Speaker 12 (17:33):
I'm myself and from Alpaso, Texas.
Speaker 21 (17:35):
You just said you were Texan, Yeah, wait, wait, wait.
Speaker 3 (17:39):
Show of hands.
Speaker 12 (17:40):
How many of you people are in Texas? The stars
at night are big and bright.
Speaker 10 (17:48):
Texas.
Speaker 3 (17:49):
Clearly you look Latino.
Speaker 12 (17:52):
But you're really claiming that you're Texas.
Speaker 3 (17:54):
I was born in Texas, but my heritage is Mexican.
Speaker 12 (17:58):
What damn it? Those were the wrong types of Latinos.
I needed the illegals with the free computers, so I
went deep undercover. Edward James almost stopped.
Speaker 18 (18:12):
How long have you been taking free benefits from the
United States?
Speaker 10 (18:17):
Never?
Speaker 12 (18:17):
I work here really hard.
Speaker 13 (18:19):
I never received nothing.
Speaker 12 (18:21):
You get free things and you know it.
Speaker 3 (18:23):
No, when did you come to America?
Speaker 20 (18:28):
Jesus?
Speaker 3 (18:28):
One second?
Speaker 12 (18:28):
How do you turn this thing down? Jesus?
Speaker 10 (18:31):
Oh seriously, how do you turn this down?
Speaker 3 (18:33):
With the let's switch man?
Speaker 12 (18:34):
So fellas dress pretty nice for landscapers. Landscapers manage my
family business.
Speaker 13 (18:41):
I work on a law firm.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
But can you please not talk like that?
Speaker 12 (18:44):
Like what the way you're talking about?
Speaker 3 (18:46):
He dressed like such a dick? What are you talking about? Bro?
Speaker 12 (18:50):
This is how Latinos dress.
Speaker 3 (18:52):
Maybe in nineteen ninety.
Speaker 12 (18:54):
Two, bro, But don't let these seemingly nice people fool you.
Speaker 11 (19:02):
The illegals that come into this country theirs is to
come in and take and not pay the taxes. And
that's not the American dream.
Speaker 12 (19:09):
Who exactly are we talking about.
Speaker 11 (19:12):
They're not wealthy people sneaking across it, not wealth at all. No,
you can't just come across on your own. They call
them their their mules, and if you have nothing to pay,
they'll abuse you along the way.
Speaker 10 (19:23):
It sounds exhausting, very exhausting.
Speaker 12 (19:26):
And so they have them all huddled together in these groups.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
Yes, why what are they yearning for to feel free?
Speaker 18 (19:34):
See you're saying that there are tired, poor, huddled masses
yearning for freedom.
Speaker 12 (19:42):
That's not what America is about.
Speaker 11 (19:48):
It's not why I'm saying at all.
Speaker 3 (19:49):
Just get behind the line.
Speaker 11 (19:50):
That's how we keep it this beautiful in a great country.
Speaker 12 (19:54):
But for how long? Because the menace is already here.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
They're already in your state, your town, maybe even your street,
and they are cold latinos.
Speaker 2 (20:13):
You got dinners.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
Boston market watch out because they're not leaving until they
get what they came for. Nice yet a life as
boring as yours, and they are prepared to do anything
to get it.
Speaker 12 (20:34):
Yard.
Speaker 9 (20:34):
Don't forget the Book of Burgers for Tracy.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
And the LA chips are down and their backs are
against the wall. They'll make the best things also you've
ever had. So wake up, America. The Latinos aren't coming.
They're already here Latinos.
Speaker 10 (21:00):
Now that the tax plan has passed, the biggest issue
facing Washington is immigration reform.
Speaker 20 (21:05):
Now.
Speaker 10 (21:05):
Unfortunately, Democrats and Republicans have never been able to agree
on this issue. Do you kick all the illegal immigrants out?
Do you give them a path to citizenship? Do you
take their cuisine and then kick them out? Do you
clean their house?
Speaker 6 (21:20):
Like?
Speaker 13 (21:20):
What do you do?
Speaker 3 (21:20):
What do you do?
Speaker 10 (21:21):
It's a contentious issue and no one has been able
to get both parties to make a deal. Fortunately, America
elected a man with a particular set of skills. As
he told us when he was still applying for the job.
Speaker 16 (21:33):
With Congress, you have to get everybody in a room
and you have to get him to agree. But you
have to get him to agree what you want. And
that's part of being a deal maker. You can't leave
the White House, go to Hawaii and play golf for
three weeks and be a real deal maker.
Speaker 20 (21:47):
It doesn't work that way.
Speaker 16 (21:49):
You have to get people in, grab them, hug them,
kiss them, and get the deal done. But it's gotta
be the deal that you want.
Speaker 10 (21:57):
Yeah, a deal making president conscious go to hole and
play golf. He goes to Florida.
Speaker 3 (22:03):
It's much closer.
Speaker 10 (22:04):
You get an extra nine holes in and you grabbed
the people and you hug them and you kiss it.
Like turn into Harvey Weinstein in the middle of the
rows going on. So Trump promised to get Republicans and
Democrats into a room, and guess what, yesterday, that's exactly
what he did, assembling over a dozen congressional leaders to
negotiate immigration. Now, what made this meeting special is that
(22:25):
Trump invitesed cameras into the room, which was mind blowing
because finally we'd get to see the president take charge.
So go on, mister President, tell these fools your position.
Speaker 16 (22:36):
My positions are going to be what the people in
this room.
Speaker 20 (22:39):
Come up with.
Speaker 16 (22:40):
I am very much reliant on the people in this room.
If they come to me with things that I'm not
in love with, I'm gonna do it because I respect them.
Speaker 10 (22:51):
I love that he's acting like a tough, in control
leader while at the same time telling everyone he will
do anything they want. He's like, let's get this straight, asshole,
I'm your bitch.
Speaker 12 (23:03):
You will walk all over me.
Speaker 10 (23:09):
And if you got a problem with that, I apologize.
Speaker 3 (23:14):
Now.
Speaker 10 (23:14):
The main discussion in this meeting was what to do
about DHAKA, which is expiring in March.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
Now.
Speaker 10 (23:19):
DAKA has a program that allows around seven hundred thousand
undocumented immigrants who were brought to the US when they
were children to stay in the US and not to
be deported because think about it, they could be punished
for a decision that their parents made to bring them here.
You know, It's like how you were punished for your parents'
decision to take you to supercuts. It's not your faults. Now,
(23:40):
Democrats want to pass DACA right now. Republicans also wanted
to pass DACA, but only if the Democrats also agree
to fund more border security. And of course Trump's war
you guys remember the war, Yeah, the one where Mexico
is like, you guys are dumb?
Speaker 2 (23:53):
That one?
Speaker 10 (23:53):
Remember that wall. So while both sides want DHACA, there's
a clean DHAKA and then there's DHAKA with everything else.
And if you were running a high level negotiation about DOCCA,
this would be a key concept to understand. But if
I told you that there was one person in the
room yesterday who didn't quite understand. I'll bet you can
(24:14):
guess who it was, So please enjoy this moment as
Republican Kevin McCaughey has to jump in to help the
President understand that he's just agreed with the opposite of
what he said he always wanted.
Speaker 7 (24:31):
I'd like to ask the question, what about a clean
Docaville now and with the commitment that we go into
a comprehensive immigration reform procedures.
Speaker 16 (24:41):
I think a lot of people would like to see them,
but I think we have to do doctor.
Speaker 12 (24:45):
Mister President, you need to be clear, though.
Speaker 11 (24:47):
I think what Senator Feinstein's asking here when we talk
about just DOCCA, we don't want to be.
Speaker 7 (24:52):
Back here two years later.
Speaker 11 (24:53):
You have to have security, as the Secretary would tell you.
Speaker 16 (24:56):
I think that's what you're say.
Speaker 10 (25:00):
It looks like McCarthy was gently correcting a stupid kid.
Speaker 7 (25:04):
You know.
Speaker 10 (25:04):
It's just like I want clean doc out. No, mister President,
you don't want clean DOCA.
Speaker 3 (25:08):
I don't want clean doc up. I want lie.
Speaker 10 (25:12):
I think it's so cute that whenever Trump is out
of his depth, he gives himself away with that little
hug that he gives himself a comfort. You know, it's
like his a little thundershirt. He does that thing.
Speaker 3 (25:21):
Yeah, look at him, he looks He looks like the.
Speaker 12 (25:23):
Oldest bee boy in the crew.
Speaker 9 (25:24):
You know.
Speaker 10 (25:26):
All you have to do is put him in a
music video and he would crush it. He would just
be killing the game. Go DJ, go DJ, Go DJ
go DJ. But actually, actually, it's not fair to say
that Trump knows nothing about what he wants on immigration reform.
Speaker 9 (25:43):
Right.
Speaker 10 (25:43):
He might be a little shots on facts, but the
important thing is he's got the feeling.
Speaker 16 (25:48):
Having the Democrats in with us is absolutely vital because
this should be a bipartisan there.
Speaker 20 (25:54):
There should be a bill of love.
Speaker 16 (25:56):
Truly should be a bill of love.
Speaker 10 (25:58):
That's right, people, there should be a bill of love,
which is ridiculous. You don't get to call that a
bill of love. Right. That's a bill that funds a
two thousand mile wall. You don't call that the bill
of love, even if the wall is full of glory holes, right,
which I fully believe Trump wants. That's not real love, right,
(26:22):
A cheap fix sure does it feel great, yes, but
real love, I mean, unless you go back to the
whole regularly and the whole knows your name, then maybe,
like if you care for the whole and the whole
cares for you, then maybe it's love. Like the real
question is what are you willing to do for the whole?
And do you expect the hole to do anything return?
(26:42):
That's real love mischief. But it's funny to hear Trump
talking about love and immigration, especially after you hear the
cruel decision that he made on Monday.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
About two hundred thousand immigrants from l Salvador could face
deportation next year after the White House announced it is
ending their temporary protected status.
Speaker 22 (27:04):
These individuals who had been granted temporary protected status now
have eighteen months to try to find another legal way
to stay in the United States or be sent back
to Al Salvador. Many of them fled Al Salvador because
of violence during that country civil war or after the
two thousand and one earthquake which devastated the country.
Speaker 10 (27:21):
Yeah, while President Bill of Love puts on a show
for the cameras, behind the scenes, his administration is kicking
out two hundred thousand people who have lived in the
US legally for decades, which is heartless because these people
have set up their whole lives. They have jobs, they
have houses. Many of them have kids who were born
(27:41):
in the US. These are families, mister President, human beings.
You can't just treat them the same way you treat Eric.
All Right, Our first story kicks off in Texas, easily
one of my favorite states to visits. Yeahlast time I
went to Texas, Ted Cruz took me out to all
(28:02):
of his favorite restaurants. Yeah, and everything had spit in it,
but it was still delicious, It really was.
Speaker 20 (28:07):
So I'm definitely going back.
Speaker 10 (28:08):
But over the past few years, Texas governor has been
scaling back the state's hospitality, particularly towards undocumented immigrants. He's
had them arrested, He's called out the National Guard. He
even told citizens to quote take matters into their own hands.
Speaker 7 (28:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 10 (28:24):
But last week, Governor Abott he took things to a
whole new level when he decided to start bussing illegal
immigrants from Texas all the way to Washington, d C. Yeah,
as a way to hit back at the Biden administration's
immigration policies. And now the first bus has.
Speaker 15 (28:40):
Arrived about an hour ago.
Speaker 10 (28:43):
The first bus full of migrants from Texas arrived right
outside the Fox Bureau in Washington, d C.
Speaker 20 (28:49):
This bus took off from Del Rio, Texas. It left
Saturday at four pm, I'm told, and has traveled for
over three days straight to get here. There's a group
from Nicaragua. I was just spoke to six young men
from Venezuela. I asked him what they wanted to do next.
They said they wanted to go to Miami, and I
asked if they were gonna get there. They said, they
didn't know. They're here in this country. They're willing to
(29:10):
work hard.
Speaker 19 (29:11):
We're here in the food court at Union Station, where
a lot of them have been getting something to eat
because this was a thirty four hour bus ride. They
said they are very excited to be here. They feel welcome.
They said that they know that they are a prop
in all of this, but they wanted to come anyway.
Speaker 10 (29:28):
You know, I don't care what anyone says. America is
one of the craziest countries in the world, because what
is happening here?
Speaker 20 (29:34):
People?
Speaker 10 (29:34):
Do you see what is happening here? One day the
governor's building a wall to keep immigrants out, and the
next day he's giving them a free ride to the Capitol.
Speaker 12 (29:41):
What are you doing?
Speaker 10 (29:43):
But I also don't think that he fully thought this through,
because if you're trying to deter immigrants, don't you think
this sends a mixed message.
Speaker 12 (29:50):
No, huh yeah, because you realize they're gonna be calling home.
Speaker 10 (29:53):
Like you know, as soon as I crossed the border,
they captured me and they took me to Washington, DCA.
Speaker 12 (29:58):
I think I want to meet the president.
Speaker 10 (29:59):
Oh man, you guys gotta come over as quick as
you can, say, say, Greg Abbott sank you man.
Speaker 3 (30:03):
It's crazy.
Speaker 10 (30:06):
Also, of all of the places to drop the people,
if you chose Fox News is headquarters in DC. Really,
how are you gonna do that to Fox News? Man?
Those people are already terrified of imaginary immigrants. Now what
are they gonna do when the real ones show up?
Those people are canny kids.
Speaker 12 (30:25):
God is like everyone's showing up to the Fox Bureau.
Speaker 10 (30:28):
I bet in that office everyone's screaming like.
Speaker 12 (30:30):
Oh my god, the caravan is here.
Speaker 10 (30:32):
What I thought we made that up?
Speaker 12 (30:34):
I thought so too.
Speaker 10 (30:39):
It's a so interesting that the immigrants know that they're
being used as pawns, but they're willing to.
Speaker 3 (30:43):
Get shipped out of Texas. Anywhere.
Speaker 10 (30:44):
I like that, and I like their honesty. They're like, yeah,
we get what's happening here, but we're fine. I guess
maybe they just prefer to be in a state.
Speaker 12 (30:50):
With a reliable power grid.
Speaker 10 (30:51):
That's what they were going for, you know.
Speaker 18 (30:54):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever.
Speaker 13 (30:58):
You get your podcast.
Speaker 12 (31:00):
Watch The Daily Show weeknights at eleven.
Speaker 16 (31:02):
Tenth Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime
on Paramount
Speaker 12 (31:06):
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