February 17, 2025 • 36 mins
It's been a year, a totally normal year, since Jon Stewart returned to The Daily Show.
Revisit his farewell show, and his return to the airwaves.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central August sixth, twenty fifteen, Comedy
Central's Worldviews headquarters in New York.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
This is the Daily Show with John Stewarts.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
Oh god, horr, happened to the Tall Show? Happy about
the honey?
Speaker 1 (00:40):
Welcome to Italic Show. My name is John Stewart.
Speaker 4 (00:43):
Thank you very much for coming to him. Alright, got fun,
I got I got big news. This is it, this
is the final episode. And and and what a night,
what a big, big night.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
A short time ago, the first Republican presidential debate wrapped
up in Cleveland, and I think you'll all agree with me.
Speaker 5 (01:06):
It was.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
Incredible, so articulate. And because of that, even though it
is our last night on the air, I feel a responsibility.
But yet we all still remain alive. Last night on
(01:32):
the air, I feel somewhat of a responsibility, nay, nay,
an obligation to devote the entirety of our last show
to our standard post debate full team coverage. And so
standing by tonight outside of Cleveland's quick An Arena where
(01:56):
the debates were held, We've got Jessica Williams joining us
with the Bushcap. We've got Hassan minaj He's with Scott
Walker's campaign. That's right, Jordan Clipper Trump. Jordan Clepper will
be covering Donald Trump. And I want to ask you guys,
(02:19):
what are your impressions of tonight's really interesting debate?
Speaker 6 (02:24):
Oh, man, John, I thought Jeb did well.
Speaker 5 (02:29):
Uh huh.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Walker also solid, uh huh.
Speaker 7 (02:35):
And I can't believe Trump took out his penis.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
So late in the debate.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
It wasn't surprise. Now, obviously our coverage is a bit limited.
We've limited to the top three candidates due to the
size of the Republican field relative to the size of
our current stable of correspondence. So unfortunately we can't really
(03:04):
thank you. Oh this is an enormous ozip. Thank you
for spontaneous leap Eiri in Cleveland.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
To help us. Yeah, I'll take Casic.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
Oh great, thank you. Okay, So that's okay. We've got
four people.
Speaker 2 (03:16):
Covered now and now, oh my god.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Al Al Madrigal is also thank you. Al. Who do
you want to cover?
Speaker 8 (03:24):
Oh?
Speaker 9 (03:24):
I get it, Al, your Latino cover cruiser?
Speaker 1 (03:27):
Rubio?
Speaker 2 (03:28):
You discussed me Stewart.
Speaker 10 (03:29):
No, not Al.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
There's six remaining candidates. Take whoever you want. I'll take Rubio, please,
all right. Well, at least we can cover five people,
and that would.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Be tribute over the law.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Oh god, John Hodgman, Lewis Black, the contributors pitching in tonight.
Thank you so much for lending a hand to our coverage.
John Hodgman, why don't you take Ran, Paul and h
Lewis Black, Chris Christy, I.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
Get it, Louis sure, an angry asshole covert.
Speaker 8 (04:09):
Christie, you'll disgust me.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
What this is? Amazing? We were almost there. Kristin Shaw,
thank you so much. This is this is I gotta
tell you something. Though you're really dressed up for a debate.
You look lovely.
Speaker 4 (04:29):
Well, John, you're still here.
Speaker 8 (04:31):
I thought, Trevor, it started by now.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
What I said? We'll miss you, all right? You two
all right? All right? Eight out of ten candidates. Eight
out of ten candidates I coverd Sam, I've missed you
so much. Thank you for pitching in them, Oh John,
thank you.
Speaker 9 (04:53):
There's no one else I would fly to Cleveland in.
Speaker 11 (04:56):
August to help cover.
Speaker 12 (04:57):
I mean, wait, I'm sorry, who's left?
Speaker 1 (05:00):
Uh Ben Carson or Huckabee? Oh my god? You all right?
Oh damn it? Nine out of ten? Damn so close
it would have been great if lucid.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
John, I don't.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
Is that. I don't know what to say. Oh my god,
I'm sorry.
Speaker 11 (05:33):
See John, there's a lot of applause. There's a lot
of applause here in Cleveland. That's right, John, Tonight, I
heart Huckabee, Steve.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
I gotta say this. This is for me. It's it's
it's very touching that you would come back after twelve
years and do that.
Speaker 11 (05:53):
I never left, John. Becoming an international superstar is just
something I did while waiting for my next assignment. We've
all just been waiting, John, the whole time.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
I've been waiting the whole time. I can't.
Speaker 13 (06:06):
I we've all been waiting a really long time.
Speaker 9 (06:11):
John, Where do you get off? I have two children
to raise.
Speaker 11 (06:17):
And I have three?
Speaker 1 (06:21):
Wait a minute, has everyone have all the correspondence? Just
been just been waiting around like it's been sixteen and
a half years. That that can't be What about like
vance degenerous in Morocco? Are they we're here, John, They
couldn't be here, that we're.
Speaker 13 (06:37):
Here, John, Oh my god, I can't believe you got
We're here. We're here down on Wall Street, John, ready to.
Speaker 9 (06:51):
Do our signature dollars and cents coverage.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
It's been so long since since that bit was done
on the show. I can't believe you guys are here
to just now do a financial segment.
Speaker 12 (07:03):
Yeah, well apparently there wasn't much financial news to.
Speaker 11 (07:06):
Cover this past decade.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
All right, Well that's you know, you do the best
day the day we will tell everybody tell wow, oh
may Dave. I wouldn't miss this for the world. Let
me tell you something, John, You've done it. Sixteen years
of great TV, next stop podcast podcast. This is this
(07:32):
is unbelievable. How far back are we gonna go with
these reports? Okay, so we have time for one more question?
Speaker 2 (07:44):
All right there, yes you uh the old guy.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
Oh hey, Matt Wallah, Stan Bagoto, it's me John Stewart.
You're on my show now, not not your show.
Speaker 5 (07:53):
What do you mean our show?
Speaker 3 (07:55):
Me?
Speaker 1 (07:56):
You play the congressman, that's the press secretary. But before that,
you were, of course bonds on the Daily Show. So I
was expressing happiness that you came back here and we're
done here, thank you. I just I just want to say,
why was that hey? Ask an answered asshole?
Speaker 2 (08:14):
Yeah face, we're done here, all right, excuse me, John,
excuse me?
Speaker 8 (08:19):
What?
Speaker 3 (08:21):
Oh my god, this is amazing.
Speaker 9 (08:30):
Yeah, I fat I'd stop back because I got nothing
else to night.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
They show got bumped, So sorry about that.
Speaker 9 (08:42):
Larry Black shows matter, John, that's.
Speaker 5 (08:52):
Well, where's Jones anyway?
Speaker 1 (08:53):
Jason Jones? Oh you didn't hear. He's in Georgia filming
a new show. Larry, why don't you throw it to him?
Gonna work it will if you believe. Oh jesus, all right,
I didn't know that. Well, let me let me try it.
Let me see what I can do here. All right,
(09:13):
that's weird. Let's see if I can do it. Let's
go to Jason Jones. That one.
Speaker 14 (09:19):
Thanks John. Let me just say I am so happy
you're gonna have some well deserved time off to watch
my brand new television show, The Detour on TBS.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Well, obviously you must be busy, so I'll let you
get back.
Speaker 14 (09:31):
Thanks for asking, John. It is a hilarious new comedy
show coming soon on TBS.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
Thanks thanks Jason.
Speaker 5 (09:37):
The Detour TBS.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
What an oddly crossed promotional move by Uh but hey, John,
what the joplan?
Speaker 8 (09:52):
What's up?
Speaker 2 (09:55):
Do you want to leave the show man?
Speaker 5 (10:00):
Right?
Speaker 1 (10:00):
You played old off the snowman in Frozen. That's right,
I did. I'm a show business god, John among eight
year olds. That's Disney money, bitch.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
Wow, wow, oh John, John, this.
Speaker 10 (10:24):
Is intent so many, so many old faces.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
Gordery. I can't even believe you're back here, Rob here,
give me no, you just Stopordy. Everybody Wow, I can't.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
I'm like, I'm like.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
Knocked out yet.
Speaker 10 (10:39):
I didn't want to. I didn't want to do this.
It's just it's very embarrassing. It's just that everybody here.
You guys, you're like family, you know, especially you John.
You You're like the brother I never had.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Thank you so much. Robic sip. I'm I think you
have a brother. I think.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
No, No, I don't.
Speaker 12 (11:01):
I don't think you're right about that.
Speaker 1 (11:02):
I think you. I think you have a brother, Rob
And I think his name is is Nate. And he
actually was a correspondent here too. Nate.
Speaker 8 (11:08):
N Nate does not ring a bell. It was me,
I think you did. I'm Nate.
Speaker 9 (11:22):
I'm Nate Cordrey.
Speaker 14 (11:23):
I'm your brother.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Come on, card come on, rahme on.
Speaker 3 (11:30):
I told you to wait in the car, in the
trunk of the car.
Speaker 8 (11:37):
Go.
Speaker 10 (11:39):
I am sorry, John you should check in with your
other correspondence.
Speaker 1 (11:44):
All right, I'm all right, I will let me wait.
What's that sound, I'll check in with another course, Lord Vader,
is that you, Stuart?
Speaker 5 (11:57):
I am more machine than man, twisted and evil, responsible
for the deaths of billions of sentient beings. But it
has come to my attention you have been comparing me
to Dick Cheney. That seems a bit harsh.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
I just thought there was something sith lordy about you
and him, and I just thought that was just be clear.
Speaker 5 (12:20):
There is the dark side and then there's whatever he
calls his sick thing.
Speaker 1 (12:25):
No, I didn't mean it.
Speaker 5 (12:28):
The feeling leads to anger. Anger leads to hate, and
hate leads to shooting your friend in the face.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
Thank you, Lord Vader. Wow, that was that was intense. Si,
Lord has a correspondent, you know, speaking of shooting. Let's
go overseas to our Middle East correspondent, bostrom usaf Bossom.
Are you there, John?
Speaker 9 (12:52):
I knew that they would eventually get to you.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
Who's shutting you down? The White House?
Speaker 15 (12:57):
The Secret Police, thanks Obama.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
No, no one's shutting the show down, Boston. I'm leaving
because I want to whoa, that's it? Yeah? What oh?
Speaker 8 (13:08):
John?
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Is me Michael Jay's recording Live the Left. You know, Michael,
it's great to see you, but you were a correspondent
for like three weeks.
Speaker 9 (13:19):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
If it weren't in a full cameo, you know, it
could have been. Maybe it's nice.
Speaker 14 (13:24):
Well maybe some of us just like changing jobs before
the as groove in our desk chair is old enough
to vote that.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
I got to say that hurts a little bit, you know.
I tried to do a good thing and let you
do uh some some bits for us and then we
could go through and get and get some actually actually, hey, Trevor,
(13:52):
could you give me like twenty more minutes and then.
Speaker 9 (13:53):
Before oh oh, I'm oh, I'm I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
It's cool. It's great to see You're gonna be great.
I'm so thank you. But it's gonna just real quick
if you know.
Speaker 8 (14:02):
Sure.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Yeah, that's good, John, Thank you, buys that day. We'll
do it later. You know what. That that reminds me.
It's not the first time that they've had to retailer
the suits here. You're finally getting canceled.
Speaker 3 (14:21):
John.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
I hate to say it, but I know you're gonna
run this thing into the ground. Well, it's good to
see you too, Craig, you know it's oh my god.
Speaker 6 (14:29):
Olivia mon Olivia, Okayla Olivia, thank you so much, so
nice to see you, are you God?
Speaker 1 (14:40):
You didn't have to bring me a cake that's lowly, of.
Speaker 8 (14:42):
Course I did.
Speaker 15 (14:43):
It's your seventieth birthday.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
Not likes. It's it's not my birthday, and I'm not
seventy hours. What is it like? Somebody thought?
Speaker 9 (14:54):
No, you do not look eighty.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
No, it's not eighty. It's neither one of these. It's
this is lovely and but it's not what. Oh my god,
come on, John, I've come to take you out of here, buddy,
Hey man, what's that girl? Wriggle? What are you doing?
Put me down? Wriggle, No way, Jose. You're coming with
me if you want to live what We're having a
(15:16):
nice celebration here. No need to go ramboats you sweet
naive frail tiny little yes? Oh did I say frail?
You did say frail? Do you have any idea the
trail of hate that you've left behind? Roll to twelve.
Speaker 12 (15:33):
I'm Paul Brown, CEO of Arby's brought to you tonight
by John Stewart.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
John Stewart, It's like your TV threw up on your face.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
I'll never forget you, John, but I will be trying
good and smart ass. Don't go come back, John, I'm
being sarcastic.
Speaker 9 (15:52):
And just when I'm running for president? What a bummer?
Speaker 8 (15:58):
Say you?
Speaker 9 (15:58):
Pip squeak?
Speaker 1 (15:59):
What happens?
Speaker 8 (16:00):
Nine and a half fingers and won't miss you at all?
Speaker 1 (16:03):
This guy, John, I just don't know what to say.
Speaker 8 (16:08):
I'm sure you'd be missed by somebody.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
You know. There are a lot of things happening around
the world that keep me up at night, which is
why I've relied on you to put me to sleep.
Have fun feeding your rabbits. Quitter, I'm John Stewart, I'm dumb.
I'm stupid.
Speaker 16 (16:23):
Yea yea yeah soon, jack Ass.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
That stings. I'm not gonna say that didn't sting a
little bit. That was awesome, Bay, look great.
Speaker 9 (16:48):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
It's so great to see you, Ed.
Speaker 9 (16:51):
And it's wonderful to see you.
Speaker 1 (16:56):
That's right. You did love to sing. I do. I
like to sing.
Speaker 12 (17:01):
I like to make movies with my friends, and of
course I have my real passion which is running the
Rocky Mountain Institute for Men.
Speaker 9 (17:07):
Who get more distinguished and handsome as they ate.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
I've heard of that, and actually, well this is It's
kind of nice that you're here because I'm going to
be having some free time. Perhaps I could stop by
the institute just for a quick visit at the institute. No,
all right, I mean yeah, I guess you're right. It
just doesn't what the is that? I know that?
Speaker 2 (17:33):
Boys, I know that voice that why why where are you?
Speaker 1 (17:39):
Where are you?
Speaker 2 (17:40):
Why?
Speaker 1 (17:43):
Hey? Why it? I can't hear you for the crazy applause?
Are you across the street? Maybe? Well, you look like
you're right across the street. Are you coming over?
Speaker 8 (17:56):
I'm thinking about it.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
I got some balls, I.
Speaker 2 (17:58):
Got some balls in the air.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
All right, you good?
Speaker 5 (18:04):
Yeah, I'm good.
Speaker 1 (18:06):
You good? Yeah, I'm good. I'd love to see it.
Speaker 17 (18:11):
I think about it.
Speaker 5 (18:13):
My social media is blown up.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
I hear you, Hey, John, but checking one left turn
to Guantanamo Bay with our own friend of Longtimey Tainty.
It's get mo hey, get mo yay. What a good day?
Speaker 7 (18:31):
Yeay?
Speaker 1 (18:33):
Oh my god?
Speaker 2 (18:34):
Give and jumpst it finally getting out?
Speaker 1 (18:38):
Yeah, yeah, giveme, I got some news. I'm leaving, but
they didn't really ever close Guantanamo. So it's not like
I mean, I'm I'm going, but you not.
Speaker 10 (18:53):
Leave.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
Oh Chunce Steward, Yeah, I'm yeah. Y. We'll get you
out of that. We'll get you out of there. Are
you running? Yeah?
Speaker 15 (19:23):
Well to see it, I have to say, John, I
just have to say, working here meant the world to me.
I have such great memories, starting with my very first day.
Speaker 1 (19:33):
So let's just dive in. Sure.
Speaker 15 (19:34):
I remember for breakfast there were egg sandwiches. Now I
chose the egg whites, and that's an interesting choice. Not
tell me why, because I hear you're getting the protein.
You know you're getting the protein, but also you're leave
yourself open for a second sandwich.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
Yeah, so that's why.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
So that's why I went with the egg whites. Listen,
this is our fascinating We're gonna have to pick up
the pace just this mor No, no.
Speaker 15 (19:54):
No, no, no, no, no no no, John, we can't.
When something's important, it's worth taking the time to discuss
it in depth. I'm talking fifteen, eighteen, even twenty minutes.
Say if necessary, otherwise, what are you really doing?
Speaker 1 (20:04):
No? I hear you, I hear but eventually we do
have to go to commercial.
Speaker 15 (20:07):
So it's not hold on, what the fuck is a commercial?
Speaker 1 (20:10):
No, what do you talk about?
Speaker 2 (20:13):
You're talking madness?
Speaker 3 (20:15):
Boys, that's wow, this is this is a married I
have to say, ladies and gentlemen, this is amazing.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
That's it. That's that's all. I have. My thanks to
everybody over all these years. When you look at the
talent that's passed through these doors, Uh, it had been
hard to screw this show up. I just want to
thank everybody who lent their talents to this program. It
meant the.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
Exciting, shy and it's been something about I understand.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
Calm down, I got.
Speaker 3 (20:52):
It, I got it.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
It's thank you.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
Yes, the moment, Yeah, John, it's really you just a moment,
aren't you?
Speaker 12 (21:15):
Aren't you forgetting someone?
Speaker 1 (21:16):
John?
Speaker 12 (21:18):
You can't possibly leave without saying goodbye to your Sam?
Speaker 8 (21:27):
Wait?
Speaker 1 (21:29):
Who's Sam? I am? John? Here's what am I? Diane?
Speaker 8 (21:36):
What is his?
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Cheers?
Speaker 10 (21:36):
Well?
Speaker 1 (21:37):
I understand?
Speaker 9 (21:37):
No, John, don't you see you're fro do?
Speaker 1 (21:42):
Wait you're Sam? I'm Frodo? How am I frodo? Why
are you frodo?
Speaker 2 (21:45):
John?
Speaker 12 (21:46):
One of us is adult size and does not have
hairy toes.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
And John Point taking John.
Speaker 12 (21:56):
Like Frodo, you were leaving us on a voyage to
the undying Lens.
Speaker 1 (22:01):
I'm just going to New Jerseys.
Speaker 12 (22:02):
There for sixteen years, you and your Basic Cable fellowship
of funny clutched that ring of power and trudged up
the steep slopes of Mount Doom.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
We didn't trudge so much. It's just what's what's the
ring in this metaphor?
Speaker 12 (22:16):
The ring of power in this metaphor is a metaphor
for power, a power, a power to be a player
in the world of media and Washington politics.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
But I don't really want that. So it's not that.
Speaker 12 (22:28):
John, you know who else didn't want that?
Speaker 1 (22:32):
Prodo your words, John.
Speaker 12 (22:38):
Proto thought, surely Soromon would know they meant to destroy
the ring. But I don't have to tell you what
Gandalf said about that.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
You're You're just gonna tell me though, weren't you?
Speaker 8 (22:51):
He said?
Speaker 12 (22:51):
And I'm paraphrasing here, even though I could do it
verbatim if I wanted.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
He said.
Speaker 12 (22:56):
He said, My fellow Americans, it has not entered into
Souren's darkest dreams that we would seek to destroy rather
than we or this hideous power, and in Gandalf's metaphor
here power also stood for power.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
I just want to say that I am so touched
that everybody could be here tonight and me too. John.
Speaker 9 (23:19):
Is there a party or anything?
Speaker 12 (23:21):
Because I brought a lot of people from CBS and
I told them that I know you.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
Yes, there is a party and you can go to it.
Stephen Colbert, everybody will do right, Actually, John.
Speaker 12 (23:39):
John, Actually, now place it down. Actually, John, we're not
quite done.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
Just a moment. John.
Speaker 12 (23:47):
No, you can't stop anyone because they.
Speaker 9 (23:49):
Don't work for you anymore.
Speaker 12 (23:51):
Huge mistake, John, It'll be quick if you just told still, John,
I've been asked and have the privilege to say something
to you that is.
Speaker 9 (23:59):
Not in the prompter.
Speaker 12 (24:00):
Right now, Here's the thing John, you said to me
and too many other people here years ago, never to
thank you because we owe you nothing.
Speaker 9 (24:07):
It is one of the few times I've known you
to be dead wrong.
Speaker 12 (24:10):
We owe you, and not just what you did for
our career by employing us to come on this tremendous
show that you made.
Speaker 9 (24:16):
We owe you because we learn from you.
Speaker 12 (24:19):
We learn from you by example how to do a
show with intention, how to we'll work with clarity how
to treat people with respect.
Speaker 9 (24:27):
You are infuriatingly good at your job.
Speaker 17 (24:30):
Okay, who were.
Speaker 9 (24:35):
Lucky enough to work with you?
Speaker 12 (24:36):
And you can edit this out later.
Speaker 9 (24:38):
All of us who were.
Speaker 12 (24:39):
Lucky enough to work with you for sixteen years are
better at our jobs because we got to watch you
do yours, and we are better people for having known you.
You are a great artist and a good man, and
personally I do not know how this son of a
poor Appalachian turd miner.
Speaker 8 (24:57):
I do not know.
Speaker 12 (24:59):
I do not know what I would do if you
hadn't brought me on the show. I'd be back in
those hills mining turns with happy John. You know by
now I have I'd have dune on me. Okay, So John,
and it's almost over. I know you are not asking
for this, but on behalf of so many people whose
lives you changed over the past sixteen years. Thank you,
(25:22):
And now I believe your line and correct me if
I'm wrong.
Speaker 9 (25:25):
This is We'll be right back.
Speaker 1 (25:36):
T back anyway about the debates, I don't have anything
for you. We've seen the correspondence, We've met everyone who
works here, and now I feel like I should price
this so maybe one last time, maybe, if you want to,
maybe a little camera three. Bullshit is everywhere. Are the
(26:15):
kids still in here? We'll deal with that later. Bullshit
is everywhere. There is very little that you will encounter
in life that has not been in some ways infused
with bullshit, not all of it bad. General, day to day, organic,
(26:38):
free range bullshit is often necessary or at the very
least innocuous. Oh what a beautiful baby.
Speaker 12 (26:48):
I'm sure it'll grow into that.
Speaker 1 (26:52):
That kind of bullshit anyways, provides important social contract fertilizer
and keeps people from making each other cross all day.
But then there's the more pernicious bullshit, your premeditated, institutional bullshit,
designed to obscure and distract, designed by whom, the bullshitocracy.
It comes in three basic flavors. One making bad things
(27:15):
sound like good things. Organic all natural cupcakes because factory
made sugar oatmeal balls doesn't sell. Patriot Act because are
you scared enough to let me look at all your
phone records?
Speaker 9 (27:32):
Act doesn't sell.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
So whenever something's been titled freedom, Family, Fairness, health America,
take a good long sniff. Chances are it's been manufactured
in a facility may contain traces of bullshit. Number two,
the second way, hiding the bad things under mountains of
(27:55):
bullshit complexity. You know, I would love to download Drizzy's
latest Meek Milldiss. Everyone promised me that that made sense,
but I'm not really interested right now in reading Tolstoy's
iTunes agreement, so I'll just click agree, even if it
(28:18):
grants Apple prima nade with my spouse. Here's another one,
simply put, Simply put, banks shouldn't be able to bet
your pension money on red Bullshitly put, it's hey, this
(28:39):
DoD frank. Hey, a handful of billionaires can't buy our elections, right,
of course not. They can only pour unlimited anonymous cash
into a five oh one C four if fifty percent
is devoted to issue education. Otherwise they'd have to five
oh one C six it or funnel it openly through
a non campaign coordinating superpack with a quarter. I think
they're asleep. Now we can sneak out and finally, finally,
(29:11):
it's the bullshit of infinite possibility. These bullshitters cover their
unwillingness to act under the guise of unending inquiry. We
can't do anything because we don't yet know everything. We
cannot take action on climate change until everyone in the
world degrees. Gay marriage vaccines won't cause our children to
marry goats who are gonna come for our guns. Until then,
(29:33):
I say, teach the controversy. Now, the good news is
this bullshitters have gotten pretty lazy and their work is
easily detective, and looking forward is kind of a pleasant
way to pass the time, like an I spy of bullshit.
So I say to you tonight, friends, the best defense
against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something,
(29:57):
we'll do a All right, everybody, that is our program. Now.
There are so many people to thank that I cannot
plausibly do it in the amount of time allotted. Comedy
(30:21):
Central gave me this opportunity sixteen and a half years ago.
The people that worked here gave me the talent and
inspiration to develop it over all those years. It's the
most incredible place. Honestly, today it still feels like a
dream a little bit, and walking around the building today,
nobody was making eye contact because I think there's so
(30:42):
much love and pride filling the building right now that
we just don't want to drown it in Salien so
there's a lot of this, so that script is ready,
so everybody's making moves with salty goggles on. I just
I can't thank the people who work here enough, and
(31:03):
I can't thank Comedy Central enough, and I can't thank
the audience enough. Your support and enthusiasm over the years
has brought to us. Don't don't think that that the
energy that you put out is not received on those
days where we just feel like we don't have it
and we well, I'm very fond of you as well, sir.
(31:26):
It seemed awfully gravelly. I want to thank my wife Tracy,
and my kids, Nate and Maggie, and I'm not going
to look over there for teaching me what joy looks like.
(31:47):
And an artist I really admire. One said that he
thinks of his career as a long conversation with the audience,
a dialogue, and I really like that metaphor for many
different reasons, but the main one is because it takes
away the idea of finality. This is just it's a conversation.
(32:11):
This show is an ending. We're merely taking a small
pause in the conversation, a conversation which, by the way,
I have hogged and I apologize for that.
Speaker 9 (32:23):
You.
Speaker 1 (32:24):
I never really I should have at some point during
the camera round and seemed like, so do you guys
have anything to n or anything. I've really been dominating
this in a very selfish way, but I thought that
was a remarkable way of getting to that. Nothing ends,
It's just a continuation. It's a pause in the conversation.
(32:45):
So rather than saying goodbye or good night, I'm just
gonna say I'm gonna go get a drink and I'm
sure i'll see you guys before I leave. So that's
our show. I thank you so much for the privilege
of being able to perform it for you, for the
privilege of being able to do it. And so here
(33:06):
it is. My moment is in.
Speaker 6 (33:11):
From the most trusted journalists at Comedy sept It's America's.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
Only sorts for news. This is The Daily Show with
your host Shant. Thank you, welcome, Welcome to the Daily Show.
(33:42):
My name is Joe Sewart. Now where was I I'm
excited to be back. I'm very excited about it. Go
to see you guys, been to see you guys. Why
am I back? You may be asking yourselves, it's a
very reasonable question. I have committed a lot of crimes
(34:04):
from what I understand, talk show host or granted immunity.
So it doesn't doesn't make a lot of sense. But
take it up with the founders. I don't know. We're
gonna have so much. We're gonna talk about this year.
Obviously elections. Maybe we'll talk about China, Maybe we'll talk
about Ai. Maybe something a little lighter, Israel, Palestine, who
knows when you consider the election.
Speaker 17 (34:24):
Bot John pro Frick, Oh.
Speaker 1 (34:37):
Jordan Klepper, everybody I didn't see there. He must have
snug up. Shouldn't you be out somewhere talking to insurrectionists
in a parking lot?
Speaker 9 (34:47):
Oh? Biting, John biting.
Speaker 7 (34:50):
You must be so proud of yourself, all these little
satirical bits exposing the absurdities of our political process.
Speaker 1 (34:55):
I mean, it was fun. We had a fun day.
We had fun making this stuff up. Oh, I bet
it was.
Speaker 7 (34:59):
Did you save democracy yet?
Speaker 5 (35:01):
No?
Speaker 7 (35:02):
Your nineties brand of snark in both siderism?
Speaker 9 (35:05):
Oh George Bush is dumb? Oh Gorge so boring? Wow?
Speaker 1 (35:10):
Seyring, John, I wasn't really trying to save democracy.
Speaker 7 (35:16):
I was just trying to All you do is brainwash
voters into accepting a corrosive status quo when they could
be out marching in the streets to affect change.
Speaker 9 (35:25):
Frankly, you discussed me.
Speaker 1 (35:31):
I can tell that from the tone of your voice
on there. But you know, Jordan, I'm here like once
a week, Like, seriously, what do you what do you
want from me?
Speaker 9 (35:39):
It's like, wait, days, you're only here once a week.
Speaker 7 (35:43):
Who's hosting the show?
Speaker 9 (35:45):
Deep other days the week?
Speaker 1 (35:47):
The news team? Jordan, you're in fact, you're the host
this whole week after I leave Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday to you.
Speaker 9 (35:59):
It's great having you, buddy.
Speaker 12 (36:00):
I gotta tell you that this is gonna be so
much fun.
Speaker 7 (36:03):
What we're doing here is important, John, I can't wait
to change the world with you, my friend.
Speaker 1 (36:08):
Thanks very much, really nice to see it.
Speaker 2 (36:13):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch
The Daily Show weeknights at eleven.
Speaker 12 (36:21):
Ten Central on Comedy Central, and.
Speaker 5 (36:23):
Stream full episodes anytime on Paramount
Speaker 8 (36:26):
Plus Paramount Podcasts
You're listening to Comedy Central August sixth, twenty fifteen, Comedy
Central's Worldviews headquarters in New York.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
This is the Daily Show with John Stewarts.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
Oh god, horr, happened to the Tall Show? Happy about
the honey?
Speaker 1 (00:40):
Welcome to Italic Show. My name is John Stewart.
Speaker 4 (00:43):
Thank you very much for coming to him. Alright, got fun,
I got I got big news. This is it, this
is the final episode. And and and what a night,
what a big, big night.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
A short time ago, the first Republican presidential debate wrapped
up in Cleveland, and I think you'll all agree with me.
Speaker 5 (01:06):
It was.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
Incredible, so articulate. And because of that, even though it
is our last night on the air, I feel a responsibility.
But yet we all still remain alive. Last night on
(01:32):
the air, I feel somewhat of a responsibility, nay, nay,
an obligation to devote the entirety of our last show
to our standard post debate full team coverage. And so
standing by tonight outside of Cleveland's quick An Arena where
(01:56):
the debates were held, We've got Jessica Williams joining us
with the Bushcap. We've got Hassan minaj He's with Scott
Walker's campaign. That's right, Jordan Clipper Trump. Jordan Clepper will
be covering Donald Trump. And I want to ask you guys,
(02:19):
what are your impressions of tonight's really interesting debate?
Speaker 6 (02:24):
Oh, man, John, I thought Jeb did well.
Speaker 5 (02:29):
Uh huh.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Walker also solid, uh huh.
Speaker 7 (02:35):
And I can't believe Trump took out his penis.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
So late in the debate.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
It wasn't surprise. Now, obviously our coverage is a bit limited.
We've limited to the top three candidates due to the
size of the Republican field relative to the size of
our current stable of correspondence. So unfortunately we can't really
(03:04):
thank you. Oh this is an enormous ozip. Thank you
for spontaneous leap Eiri in Cleveland.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
To help us. Yeah, I'll take Casic.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
Oh great, thank you. Okay, So that's okay. We've got
four people.
Speaker 2 (03:16):
Covered now and now, oh my god.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Al Al Madrigal is also thank you. Al. Who do
you want to cover?
Speaker 8 (03:24):
Oh?
Speaker 9 (03:24):
I get it, Al, your Latino cover cruiser?
Speaker 1 (03:27):
Rubio?
Speaker 2 (03:28):
You discussed me Stewart.
Speaker 10 (03:29):
No, not Al.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
There's six remaining candidates. Take whoever you want. I'll take Rubio, please,
all right. Well, at least we can cover five people,
and that would.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Be tribute over the law.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Oh god, John Hodgman, Lewis Black, the contributors pitching in tonight.
Thank you so much for lending a hand to our coverage.
John Hodgman, why don't you take Ran, Paul and h
Lewis Black, Chris Christy, I.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
Get it, Louis sure, an angry asshole covert.
Speaker 8 (04:09):
Christie, you'll disgust me.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
What this is? Amazing? We were almost there. Kristin Shaw,
thank you so much. This is this is I gotta
tell you something. Though you're really dressed up for a debate.
You look lovely.
Speaker 4 (04:29):
Well, John, you're still here.
Speaker 8 (04:31):
I thought, Trevor, it started by now.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
What I said? We'll miss you, all right? You two
all right? All right? Eight out of ten candidates. Eight
out of ten candidates I coverd Sam, I've missed you
so much. Thank you for pitching in them, Oh John,
thank you.
Speaker 9 (04:53):
There's no one else I would fly to Cleveland in.
Speaker 11 (04:56):
August to help cover.
Speaker 12 (04:57):
I mean, wait, I'm sorry, who's left?
Speaker 1 (05:00):
Uh Ben Carson or Huckabee? Oh my god? You all right?
Oh damn it? Nine out of ten? Damn so close
it would have been great if lucid.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
John, I don't.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
Is that. I don't know what to say. Oh my god,
I'm sorry.
Speaker 11 (05:33):
See John, there's a lot of applause. There's a lot
of applause here in Cleveland. That's right, John, Tonight, I
heart Huckabee, Steve.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
I gotta say this. This is for me. It's it's
it's very touching that you would come back after twelve
years and do that.
Speaker 11 (05:53):
I never left, John. Becoming an international superstar is just
something I did while waiting for my next assignment. We've
all just been waiting, John, the whole time.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
I've been waiting the whole time. I can't.
Speaker 13 (06:06):
I we've all been waiting a really long time.
Speaker 9 (06:11):
John, Where do you get off? I have two children
to raise.
Speaker 11 (06:17):
And I have three?
Speaker 1 (06:21):
Wait a minute, has everyone have all the correspondence? Just
been just been waiting around like it's been sixteen and
a half years. That that can't be What about like
vance degenerous in Morocco? Are they we're here, John, They
couldn't be here, that we're.
Speaker 13 (06:37):
Here, John, Oh my god, I can't believe you got
We're here. We're here down on Wall Street, John, ready to.
Speaker 9 (06:51):
Do our signature dollars and cents coverage.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
It's been so long since since that bit was done
on the show. I can't believe you guys are here
to just now do a financial segment.
Speaker 12 (07:03):
Yeah, well apparently there wasn't much financial news to.
Speaker 11 (07:06):
Cover this past decade.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
All right, Well that's you know, you do the best
day the day we will tell everybody tell wow, oh
may Dave. I wouldn't miss this for the world. Let
me tell you something, John, You've done it. Sixteen years
of great TV, next stop podcast podcast. This is this
(07:32):
is unbelievable. How far back are we gonna go with
these reports? Okay, so we have time for one more question?
Speaker 2 (07:44):
All right there, yes you uh the old guy.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
Oh hey, Matt Wallah, Stan Bagoto, it's me John Stewart.
You're on my show now, not not your show.
Speaker 5 (07:53):
What do you mean our show?
Speaker 3 (07:55):
Me?
Speaker 1 (07:56):
You play the congressman, that's the press secretary. But before that,
you were, of course bonds on the Daily Show. So I
was expressing happiness that you came back here and we're
done here, thank you. I just I just want to say,
why was that hey? Ask an answered asshole?
Speaker 2 (08:14):
Yeah face, we're done here, all right, excuse me, John,
excuse me?
Speaker 8 (08:19):
What?
Speaker 3 (08:21):
Oh my god, this is amazing.
Speaker 9 (08:30):
Yeah, I fat I'd stop back because I got nothing
else to night.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
They show got bumped, So sorry about that.
Speaker 9 (08:42):
Larry Black shows matter, John, that's.
Speaker 5 (08:52):
Well, where's Jones anyway?
Speaker 1 (08:53):
Jason Jones? Oh you didn't hear. He's in Georgia filming
a new show. Larry, why don't you throw it to him?
Gonna work it will if you believe. Oh jesus, all right,
I didn't know that. Well, let me let me try it.
Let me see what I can do here. All right,
(09:13):
that's weird. Let's see if I can do it. Let's
go to Jason Jones. That one.
Speaker 14 (09:19):
Thanks John. Let me just say I am so happy
you're gonna have some well deserved time off to watch
my brand new television show, The Detour on TBS.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Well, obviously you must be busy, so I'll let you
get back.
Speaker 14 (09:31):
Thanks for asking, John. It is a hilarious new comedy
show coming soon on TBS.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
Thanks thanks Jason.
Speaker 5 (09:37):
The Detour TBS.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
What an oddly crossed promotional move by Uh but hey, John,
what the joplan?
Speaker 8 (09:52):
What's up?
Speaker 2 (09:55):
Do you want to leave the show man?
Speaker 5 (10:00):
Right?
Speaker 1 (10:00):
You played old off the snowman in Frozen. That's right,
I did. I'm a show business god, John among eight
year olds. That's Disney money, bitch.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
Wow, wow, oh John, John, this.
Speaker 10 (10:24):
Is intent so many, so many old faces.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
Gordery. I can't even believe you're back here, Rob here,
give me no, you just Stopordy. Everybody Wow, I can't.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
I'm like, I'm like.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
Knocked out yet.
Speaker 10 (10:39):
I didn't want to. I didn't want to do this.
It's just it's very embarrassing. It's just that everybody here.
You guys, you're like family, you know, especially you John.
You You're like the brother I never had.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Thank you so much. Robic sip. I'm I think you
have a brother. I think.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
No, No, I don't.
Speaker 12 (11:01):
I don't think you're right about that.
Speaker 1 (11:02):
I think you. I think you have a brother, Rob
And I think his name is is Nate. And he
actually was a correspondent here too. Nate.
Speaker 8 (11:08):
N Nate does not ring a bell. It was me,
I think you did. I'm Nate.
Speaker 9 (11:22):
I'm Nate Cordrey.
Speaker 14 (11:23):
I'm your brother.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Come on, card come on, rahme on.
Speaker 3 (11:30):
I told you to wait in the car, in the
trunk of the car.
Speaker 8 (11:37):
Go.
Speaker 10 (11:39):
I am sorry, John you should check in with your
other correspondence.
Speaker 1 (11:44):
All right, I'm all right, I will let me wait.
What's that sound, I'll check in with another course, Lord Vader,
is that you, Stuart?
Speaker 5 (11:57):
I am more machine than man, twisted and evil, responsible
for the deaths of billions of sentient beings. But it
has come to my attention you have been comparing me
to Dick Cheney. That seems a bit harsh.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
I just thought there was something sith lordy about you
and him, and I just thought that was just be clear.
Speaker 5 (12:20):
There is the dark side and then there's whatever he
calls his sick thing.
Speaker 1 (12:25):
No, I didn't mean it.
Speaker 5 (12:28):
The feeling leads to anger. Anger leads to hate, and
hate leads to shooting your friend in the face.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
Thank you, Lord Vader. Wow, that was that was intense. Si,
Lord has a correspondent, you know, speaking of shooting. Let's
go overseas to our Middle East correspondent, bostrom usaf Bossom.
Are you there, John?
Speaker 9 (12:52):
I knew that they would eventually get to you.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
Who's shutting you down? The White House?
Speaker 15 (12:57):
The Secret Police, thanks Obama.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
No, no one's shutting the show down, Boston. I'm leaving
because I want to whoa, that's it? Yeah? What oh?
Speaker 8 (13:08):
John?
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Is me Michael Jay's recording Live the Left. You know, Michael,
it's great to see you, but you were a correspondent
for like three weeks.
Speaker 9 (13:19):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
If it weren't in a full cameo, you know, it
could have been. Maybe it's nice.
Speaker 14 (13:24):
Well maybe some of us just like changing jobs before
the as groove in our desk chair is old enough
to vote that.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
I got to say that hurts a little bit, you know.
I tried to do a good thing and let you
do uh some some bits for us and then we
could go through and get and get some actually actually, hey, Trevor,
(13:52):
could you give me like twenty more minutes and then.
Speaker 9 (13:53):
Before oh oh, I'm oh, I'm I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
It's cool. It's great to see You're gonna be great.
I'm so thank you. But it's gonna just real quick
if you know.
Speaker 8 (14:02):
Sure.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Yeah, that's good, John, Thank you, buys that day. We'll
do it later. You know what. That that reminds me.
It's not the first time that they've had to retailer
the suits here. You're finally getting canceled.
Speaker 3 (14:21):
John.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
I hate to say it, but I know you're gonna
run this thing into the ground. Well, it's good to
see you too, Craig, you know it's oh my god.
Speaker 6 (14:29):
Olivia mon Olivia, Okayla Olivia, thank you so much, so
nice to see you, are you God?
Speaker 1 (14:40):
You didn't have to bring me a cake that's lowly, of.
Speaker 8 (14:42):
Course I did.
Speaker 15 (14:43):
It's your seventieth birthday.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
Not likes. It's it's not my birthday, and I'm not
seventy hours. What is it like? Somebody thought?
Speaker 9 (14:54):
No, you do not look eighty.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
No, it's not eighty. It's neither one of these. It's
this is lovely and but it's not what. Oh my god,
come on, John, I've come to take you out of here, buddy,
Hey man, what's that girl? Wriggle? What are you doing?
Put me down? Wriggle, No way, Jose. You're coming with
me if you want to live what We're having a
(15:16):
nice celebration here. No need to go ramboats you sweet
naive frail tiny little yes? Oh did I say frail?
You did say frail? Do you have any idea the
trail of hate that you've left behind? Roll to twelve.
Speaker 12 (15:33):
I'm Paul Brown, CEO of Arby's brought to you tonight
by John Stewart.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
John Stewart, It's like your TV threw up on your face.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
I'll never forget you, John, but I will be trying
good and smart ass. Don't go come back, John, I'm
being sarcastic.
Speaker 9 (15:52):
And just when I'm running for president? What a bummer?
Speaker 8 (15:58):
Say you?
Speaker 9 (15:58):
Pip squeak?
Speaker 1 (15:59):
What happens?
Speaker 8 (16:00):
Nine and a half fingers and won't miss you at all?
Speaker 1 (16:03):
This guy, John, I just don't know what to say.
Speaker 8 (16:08):
I'm sure you'd be missed by somebody.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
You know. There are a lot of things happening around
the world that keep me up at night, which is
why I've relied on you to put me to sleep.
Have fun feeding your rabbits. Quitter, I'm John Stewart, I'm dumb.
I'm stupid.
Speaker 16 (16:23):
Yea yea yeah soon, jack Ass.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
That stings. I'm not gonna say that didn't sting a
little bit. That was awesome, Bay, look great.
Speaker 9 (16:48):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
It's so great to see you, Ed.
Speaker 9 (16:51):
And it's wonderful to see you.
Speaker 1 (16:56):
That's right. You did love to sing. I do. I
like to sing.
Speaker 12 (17:01):
I like to make movies with my friends, and of
course I have my real passion which is running the
Rocky Mountain Institute for Men.
Speaker 9 (17:07):
Who get more distinguished and handsome as they ate.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
I've heard of that, and actually, well this is It's
kind of nice that you're here because I'm going to
be having some free time. Perhaps I could stop by
the institute just for a quick visit at the institute. No,
all right, I mean yeah, I guess you're right. It
just doesn't what the is that? I know that?
Speaker 2 (17:33):
Boys, I know that voice that why why where are you?
Speaker 1 (17:39):
Where are you?
Speaker 2 (17:40):
Why?
Speaker 1 (17:43):
Hey? Why it? I can't hear you for the crazy applause?
Are you across the street? Maybe? Well, you look like
you're right across the street. Are you coming over?
Speaker 8 (17:56):
I'm thinking about it.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
I got some balls, I.
Speaker 2 (17:58):
Got some balls in the air.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
All right, you good?
Speaker 5 (18:04):
Yeah, I'm good.
Speaker 1 (18:06):
You good? Yeah, I'm good. I'd love to see it.
Speaker 17 (18:11):
I think about it.
Speaker 5 (18:13):
My social media is blown up.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
I hear you, Hey, John, but checking one left turn
to Guantanamo Bay with our own friend of Longtimey Tainty.
It's get mo hey, get mo yay. What a good day?
Speaker 7 (18:31):
Yeay?
Speaker 1 (18:33):
Oh my god?
Speaker 2 (18:34):
Give and jumpst it finally getting out?
Speaker 1 (18:38):
Yeah, yeah, giveme, I got some news. I'm leaving, but
they didn't really ever close Guantanamo. So it's not like
I mean, I'm I'm going, but you not.
Speaker 10 (18:53):
Leave.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
Oh Chunce Steward, Yeah, I'm yeah. Y. We'll get you
out of that. We'll get you out of there. Are
you running? Yeah?
Speaker 15 (19:23):
Well to see it, I have to say, John, I
just have to say, working here meant the world to me.
I have such great memories, starting with my very first day.
Speaker 1 (19:33):
So let's just dive in. Sure.
Speaker 15 (19:34):
I remember for breakfast there were egg sandwiches. Now I
chose the egg whites, and that's an interesting choice. Not
tell me why, because I hear you're getting the protein.
You know you're getting the protein, but also you're leave
yourself open for a second sandwich.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
Yeah, so that's why.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
So that's why I went with the egg whites. Listen,
this is our fascinating We're gonna have to pick up
the pace just this mor No, no.
Speaker 15 (19:54):
No, no, no, no, no no no, John, we can't.
When something's important, it's worth taking the time to discuss
it in depth. I'm talking fifteen, eighteen, even twenty minutes.
Say if necessary, otherwise, what are you really doing?
Speaker 1 (20:04):
No? I hear you, I hear but eventually we do
have to go to commercial.
Speaker 15 (20:07):
So it's not hold on, what the fuck is a commercial?
Speaker 1 (20:10):
No, what do you talk about?
Speaker 2 (20:13):
You're talking madness?
Speaker 3 (20:15):
Boys, that's wow, this is this is a married I
have to say, ladies and gentlemen, this is amazing.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
That's it. That's that's all. I have. My thanks to
everybody over all these years. When you look at the
talent that's passed through these doors, Uh, it had been
hard to screw this show up. I just want to
thank everybody who lent their talents to this program. It
meant the.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
Exciting, shy and it's been something about I understand.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
Calm down, I got.
Speaker 3 (20:52):
It, I got it.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
It's thank you.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
Yes, the moment, Yeah, John, it's really you just a moment,
aren't you?
Speaker 12 (21:15):
Aren't you forgetting someone?
Speaker 1 (21:16):
John?
Speaker 12 (21:18):
You can't possibly leave without saying goodbye to your Sam?
Speaker 8 (21:27):
Wait?
Speaker 1 (21:29):
Who's Sam? I am? John? Here's what am I? Diane?
Speaker 8 (21:36):
What is his?
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Cheers?
Speaker 10 (21:36):
Well?
Speaker 1 (21:37):
I understand?
Speaker 9 (21:37):
No, John, don't you see you're fro do?
Speaker 1 (21:42):
Wait you're Sam? I'm Frodo? How am I frodo? Why
are you frodo?
Speaker 2 (21:45):
John?
Speaker 12 (21:46):
One of us is adult size and does not have
hairy toes.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
And John Point taking John.
Speaker 12 (21:56):
Like Frodo, you were leaving us on a voyage to
the undying Lens.
Speaker 1 (22:01):
I'm just going to New Jerseys.
Speaker 12 (22:02):
There for sixteen years, you and your Basic Cable fellowship
of funny clutched that ring of power and trudged up
the steep slopes of Mount Doom.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
We didn't trudge so much. It's just what's what's the
ring in this metaphor?
Speaker 12 (22:16):
The ring of power in this metaphor is a metaphor
for power, a power, a power to be a player
in the world of media and Washington politics.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
But I don't really want that. So it's not that.
Speaker 12 (22:28):
John, you know who else didn't want that?
Speaker 1 (22:32):
Prodo your words, John.
Speaker 12 (22:38):
Proto thought, surely Soromon would know they meant to destroy
the ring. But I don't have to tell you what
Gandalf said about that.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
You're You're just gonna tell me though, weren't you?
Speaker 8 (22:51):
He said?
Speaker 12 (22:51):
And I'm paraphrasing here, even though I could do it
verbatim if I wanted.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
He said.
Speaker 12 (22:56):
He said, My fellow Americans, it has not entered into
Souren's darkest dreams that we would seek to destroy rather
than we or this hideous power, and in Gandalf's metaphor
here power also stood for power.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
I just want to say that I am so touched
that everybody could be here tonight and me too. John.
Speaker 9 (23:19):
Is there a party or anything?
Speaker 12 (23:21):
Because I brought a lot of people from CBS and
I told them that I know you.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
Yes, there is a party and you can go to it.
Stephen Colbert, everybody will do right, Actually, John.
Speaker 12 (23:39):
John, Actually, now place it down. Actually, John, we're not
quite done.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
Just a moment. John.
Speaker 12 (23:47):
No, you can't stop anyone because they.
Speaker 9 (23:49):
Don't work for you anymore.
Speaker 12 (23:51):
Huge mistake, John, It'll be quick if you just told still, John,
I've been asked and have the privilege to say something
to you that is.
Speaker 9 (23:59):
Not in the prompter.
Speaker 12 (24:00):
Right now, Here's the thing John, you said to me
and too many other people here years ago, never to
thank you because we owe you nothing.
Speaker 9 (24:07):
It is one of the few times I've known you
to be dead wrong.
Speaker 12 (24:10):
We owe you, and not just what you did for
our career by employing us to come on this tremendous
show that you made.
Speaker 9 (24:16):
We owe you because we learn from you.
Speaker 12 (24:19):
We learn from you by example how to do a
show with intention, how to we'll work with clarity how
to treat people with respect.
Speaker 9 (24:27):
You are infuriatingly good at your job.
Speaker 17 (24:30):
Okay, who were.
Speaker 9 (24:35):
Lucky enough to work with you?
Speaker 12 (24:36):
And you can edit this out later.
Speaker 9 (24:38):
All of us who were.
Speaker 12 (24:39):
Lucky enough to work with you for sixteen years are
better at our jobs because we got to watch you
do yours, and we are better people for having known you.
You are a great artist and a good man, and
personally I do not know how this son of a
poor Appalachian turd miner.
Speaker 8 (24:57):
I do not know.
Speaker 12 (24:59):
I do not know what I would do if you
hadn't brought me on the show. I'd be back in
those hills mining turns with happy John. You know by
now I have I'd have dune on me. Okay, So John,
and it's almost over. I know you are not asking
for this, but on behalf of so many people whose
lives you changed over the past sixteen years. Thank you,
(25:22):
And now I believe your line and correct me if
I'm wrong.
Speaker 9 (25:25):
This is We'll be right back.
Speaker 1 (25:36):
T back anyway about the debates, I don't have anything
for you. We've seen the correspondence, We've met everyone who
works here, and now I feel like I should price
this so maybe one last time, maybe, if you want to,
maybe a little camera three. Bullshit is everywhere. Are the
(26:15):
kids still in here? We'll deal with that later. Bullshit
is everywhere. There is very little that you will encounter
in life that has not been in some ways infused
with bullshit, not all of it bad. General, day to day, organic,
(26:38):
free range bullshit is often necessary or at the very
least innocuous. Oh what a beautiful baby.
Speaker 12 (26:48):
I'm sure it'll grow into that.
Speaker 1 (26:52):
That kind of bullshit anyways, provides important social contract fertilizer
and keeps people from making each other cross all day.
But then there's the more pernicious bullshit, your premeditated, institutional bullshit,
designed to obscure and distract, designed by whom, the bullshitocracy.
It comes in three basic flavors. One making bad things
(27:15):
sound like good things. Organic all natural cupcakes because factory
made sugar oatmeal balls doesn't sell. Patriot Act because are
you scared enough to let me look at all your
phone records?
Speaker 9 (27:32):
Act doesn't sell.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
So whenever something's been titled freedom, Family, Fairness, health America,
take a good long sniff. Chances are it's been manufactured
in a facility may contain traces of bullshit. Number two,
the second way, hiding the bad things under mountains of
(27:55):
bullshit complexity. You know, I would love to download Drizzy's
latest Meek Milldiss. Everyone promised me that that made sense,
but I'm not really interested right now in reading Tolstoy's
iTunes agreement, so I'll just click agree, even if it
(28:18):
grants Apple prima nade with my spouse. Here's another one,
simply put, Simply put, banks shouldn't be able to bet
your pension money on red Bullshitly put, it's hey, this
(28:39):
DoD frank. Hey, a handful of billionaires can't buy our elections, right,
of course not. They can only pour unlimited anonymous cash
into a five oh one C four if fifty percent
is devoted to issue education. Otherwise they'd have to five
oh one C six it or funnel it openly through
a non campaign coordinating superpack with a quarter. I think
they're asleep. Now we can sneak out and finally, finally,
(29:11):
it's the bullshit of infinite possibility. These bullshitters cover their
unwillingness to act under the guise of unending inquiry. We
can't do anything because we don't yet know everything. We
cannot take action on climate change until everyone in the
world degrees. Gay marriage vaccines won't cause our children to
marry goats who are gonna come for our guns. Until then,
(29:33):
I say, teach the controversy. Now, the good news is
this bullshitters have gotten pretty lazy and their work is
easily detective, and looking forward is kind of a pleasant
way to pass the time, like an I spy of bullshit.
So I say to you tonight, friends, the best defense
against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something,
(29:57):
we'll do a All right, everybody, that is our program. Now.
There are so many people to thank that I cannot
plausibly do it in the amount of time allotted. Comedy
(30:21):
Central gave me this opportunity sixteen and a half years ago.
The people that worked here gave me the talent and
inspiration to develop it over all those years. It's the
most incredible place. Honestly, today it still feels like a
dream a little bit, and walking around the building today,
nobody was making eye contact because I think there's so
(30:42):
much love and pride filling the building right now that
we just don't want to drown it in Salien so
there's a lot of this, so that script is ready,
so everybody's making moves with salty goggles on. I just
I can't thank the people who work here enough, and
(31:03):
I can't thank Comedy Central enough, and I can't thank
the audience enough. Your support and enthusiasm over the years
has brought to us. Don't don't think that that the
energy that you put out is not received on those
days where we just feel like we don't have it
and we well, I'm very fond of you as well, sir.
(31:26):
It seemed awfully gravelly. I want to thank my wife Tracy,
and my kids, Nate and Maggie, and I'm not going
to look over there for teaching me what joy looks like.
(31:47):
And an artist I really admire. One said that he
thinks of his career as a long conversation with the audience,
a dialogue, and I really like that metaphor for many
different reasons, but the main one is because it takes
away the idea of finality. This is just it's a conversation.
(32:11):
This show is an ending. We're merely taking a small
pause in the conversation, a conversation which, by the way,
I have hogged and I apologize for that.
Speaker 9 (32:23):
You.
Speaker 1 (32:24):
I never really I should have at some point during
the camera round and seemed like, so do you guys
have anything to n or anything. I've really been dominating
this in a very selfish way, but I thought that
was a remarkable way of getting to that. Nothing ends,
It's just a continuation. It's a pause in the conversation.
(32:45):
So rather than saying goodbye or good night, I'm just
gonna say I'm gonna go get a drink and I'm
sure i'll see you guys before I leave. So that's
our show. I thank you so much for the privilege
of being able to perform it for you, for the
privilege of being able to do it. And so here
(33:06):
it is. My moment is in.
Speaker 6 (33:11):
From the most trusted journalists at Comedy sept It's America's.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
Only sorts for news. This is The Daily Show with
your host Shant. Thank you, welcome, Welcome to the Daily Show.
(33:42):
My name is Joe Sewart. Now where was I I'm
excited to be back. I'm very excited about it. Go
to see you guys, been to see you guys. Why
am I back? You may be asking yourselves, it's a
very reasonable question. I have committed a lot of crimes
(34:04):
from what I understand, talk show host or granted immunity.
So it doesn't doesn't make a lot of sense. But
take it up with the founders. I don't know. We're
gonna have so much. We're gonna talk about this year.
Obviously elections. Maybe we'll talk about China, Maybe we'll talk
about Ai. Maybe something a little lighter, Israel, Palestine, who
knows when you consider the election.
Speaker 17 (34:24):
Bot John pro Frick, Oh.
Speaker 1 (34:37):
Jordan Klepper, everybody I didn't see there. He must have
snug up. Shouldn't you be out somewhere talking to insurrectionists
in a parking lot?
Speaker 9 (34:47):
Oh? Biting, John biting.
Speaker 7 (34:50):
You must be so proud of yourself, all these little
satirical bits exposing the absurdities of our political process.
Speaker 1 (34:55):
I mean, it was fun. We had a fun day.
We had fun making this stuff up. Oh, I bet
it was.
Speaker 7 (34:59):
Did you save democracy yet?
Speaker 5 (35:01):
No?
Speaker 7 (35:02):
Your nineties brand of snark in both siderism?
Speaker 9 (35:05):
Oh George Bush is dumb? Oh Gorge so boring? Wow?
Speaker 1 (35:10):
Seyring, John, I wasn't really trying to save democracy.
Speaker 7 (35:16):
I was just trying to All you do is brainwash
voters into accepting a corrosive status quo when they could
be out marching in the streets to affect change.
Speaker 9 (35:25):
Frankly, you discussed me.
Speaker 1 (35:31):
I can tell that from the tone of your voice
on there. But you know, Jordan, I'm here like once
a week, Like, seriously, what do you what do you
want from me?
Speaker 9 (35:39):
It's like, wait, days, you're only here once a week.
Speaker 7 (35:43):
Who's hosting the show?
Speaker 9 (35:45):
Deep other days the week?
Speaker 1 (35:47):
The news team? Jordan, you're in fact, you're the host
this whole week after I leave Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday to you.
Speaker 9 (35:59):
It's great having you, buddy.
Speaker 12 (36:00):
I gotta tell you that this is gonna be so
much fun.
Speaker 7 (36:03):
What we're doing here is important, John, I can't wait
to change the world with you, my friend.
Speaker 1 (36:08):
Thanks very much, really nice to see it.
Speaker 2 (36:13):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch
The Daily Show weeknights at eleven.
Speaker 12 (36:21):
Ten Central on Comedy Central, and.
Speaker 5 (36:23):
Stream full episodes anytime on Paramount
Speaker 8 (36:26):
Plus Paramount Podcasts
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