Recapping Trump's Second First 100 Days - Part 1

Celebrate the second coming of President Donald J. Trump with Jon Stewart and The Best F**king News Team as they recap everything Trump has done in his first 100 days back in the White House. From Inauguration Day to naming the Gulf of America to his ham-fisted approach to international conflicts, this is Part 1 of Trump's second term (so far).

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central. Donald J.

Speaker 2 (00:08):
Trump, the forty fifth President of the United States, a
man who's licentious and felonious behavior has been well cataloged
and documented, returned to the Capitol of Rotunda just four
short years after inspiring in that very place a day
of riotous, shick free.

Speaker 1 (00:28):
Shit fury. Return to the exact same room.

Speaker 2 (00:32):
Now, generally, if this were a dateline documentary, he would
return to that room to express a form of repentance
in maturity and acknowledgment of pain that had been wrought
on that terrible day.

Speaker 1 (00:44):
But in this show that we're filming now, it's to.

Speaker 2 (00:48):
Be sworn in as the forty seventh President of the
United States, And as with most, returning to the scene
of the crime.

Speaker 1 (00:58):
It began with tea with the people you tried to
steal it from.

Speaker 3 (01:04):
A short time ago.

Speaker 4 (01:05):
President Joe Biden greeted mister and Missus Trump at the
White House for tea and inaugural tradition.

Speaker 2 (01:15):
It's always important to keep up the tea tradition when
you hand over the keys to I'm sorry, what did
you call them, hitler, but gotta be a good host,
and the WiFi password his White House, but I change
the eye to a one.

Speaker 1 (01:30):
I hope that's not weird.

Speaker 2 (01:33):
I'm not saying Biden should have done his own insurrection,
but there's got to be a happy medium between storming
the Capitol and.

Speaker 1 (01:39):
Would you like a crumpet?

Speaker 2 (01:42):
Then it was time for the swearing in on the
kind of on the Bible. Yes, it turns out Trump
didn't actually put his hand on the Bible, obviously because
one or the other would burst into flames.

Speaker 1 (01:58):
Perhaps both.

Speaker 2 (02:00):
And so, ladies and gentlemen, the torch has been passed
from Biden to Trump. Yes, the torch has been passed
to the same generation of Americans. Let's hear from the
forty seventh president, fresh off the warm embrace of a
tea ceremony with his predecessor.

Speaker 5 (02:17):
My recent election is a mandate to completely and totally
reverse a horrible betrayal and all of these many betrayals
that have taken place.

Speaker 1 (02:33):
He's right behind you. Luckily, I don't think he can
hear you.

Speaker 2 (02:45):
Yes, The inaugural speech followed the American tradition of a
passive aggressive transfer of power. The incoming president gets the
completely shit on the outgoing president in front of that
president and hopefully his spouse.

Speaker 5 (02:59):
In recent years, our nation has suffered greatly record inflation
trying to socially engineered race and gender disastrous invasion of
our country is a radical and corrupt establishment, vicious, violent,
and unfair weaponization. From this moment on, America's dickline is over.

Speaker 2 (03:26):
This is a tumultuous time in American history, filled with
much uncertainty interrepidation. But it is very difficult for me
to not in any way take the bait of the
way he said dickline. It really did sound like he said,

(03:51):
our dickline, like the line of our dick.

Speaker 1 (04:06):
So you can see America's dickline.

Speaker 2 (04:09):
I mean, how are you going to end our dickline
with a tuck or a full reassignment? Or is this
more about Fetterman's shorts? What about our dickline? I am
a child child, But as bad as things were, guess what, folks,

(04:33):
Daddy's home, It's about to get a whole lot better.

Speaker 5 (04:36):
The Golden Age of America begins right now. From this
day forward, our country will flourish. The American dream will
soon be back and thriving like never before.

Speaker 1 (04:46):
We will win like never before.

Speaker 6 (04:48):
We will be a.

Speaker 1 (04:49):
Rich nation again.

Speaker 5 (04:50):
We will bring prices down, fill our strategic reserves up again.
We will drill, baby drill.

Speaker 2 (05:01):
I think I just saw JD Vance's dickline.

Speaker 1 (05:08):
Drill baby drill. Who.

Speaker 2 (05:12):
But for all the day's eerie energy, one thing stood
out to America's watchdogs of democracy.

Speaker 7 (05:19):
We have watched as the forty seventh president of the
United States has been sworn in a cornerstone of democracy.

Speaker 8 (05:24):
This is the true transfer of power here of the
current president and the former president making this walk.

Speaker 9 (05:32):
This process is what distinguishes the United States from a
lot of other parts of the world.

Speaker 2 (05:40):
Yeah, it's all just normal shit, It's just another day.
It's all just normal transfer powershit. We're just going to
play along, like all this theater is normal. Oh, except
there was one thing that might have given the game away.

Speaker 10 (05:51):
For just twenty minutes or so left in his presidency.

Speaker 11 (05:54):
We've just gotten word from President Biden that he is
pardoning his brothers, wives, his sister, other family members.

Speaker 10 (06:03):
He says that he is doing this.

Speaker 11 (06:05):
Because baseless and politically motivated investigations Greek havoc on the
lives of individuals.

Speaker 1 (06:12):
It's all just normal.

Speaker 2 (06:14):
First of all, Biden you're at the inauguration, did you
auto schedule your pardons? And second of all, what the fuck, man,
You're just pardoning your whole family. It's not a great
look yet, like any good captain, as the ship is
going down, Biden gave the order.

Speaker 1 (06:35):
That life vot is from my family.

Speaker 2 (06:39):
The rest of you can do just like a kind
of Jack and Rose thing.

Speaker 1 (06:44):
One on one off, fifty to fifty shot. Who gives
a shit? Biden outy.

Speaker 2 (06:51):
So the takeaway of this entire day was a man
who tried to overthrow the government has been peacefully handed
the reins of power, and the outcome going president has
started a new tradition of blanket pardoning everyone in his orbit,
the two men creating a magnificent snake sucking its own
dick cycle of no accountability. And then, of course we

(07:15):
end with the grand finale, the attack on Greenland has
been gone.

Speaker 1 (07:29):
Yesterday.

Speaker 12 (07:29):
That dude signed over one hundred executive actions. I mean,
look at them. He froze the federal hiring bills, something
about genders. Yeah, he said, Cuba's a state sponsored terrorists.
Now he renamed a mountain dishwashers are less efficient. Well,
you can do that, look, yeah, so many executive actions.

(07:53):
They had to like scroll through the tracks like it
was an ad for But now that's what I call maga.
And being the show man that he was, Trump wasn't
going to sign these behind the desk of a pen
and paper like a nerd. Okay, No, he turned this
into an arena show at.

Speaker 13 (08:10):
Capitol One Arena in front of a crowd of supporters,
Trump putting into motion his d one actions.

Speaker 4 (08:16):
After President Trump signed the executive orders at a desk
that was placed on stage, he had a pile of pins.

Speaker 6 (08:22):
Well, President Trump decided to toss.

Speaker 12 (08:23):
The pins to some of his supporters. Wow, whoever caught
that pen is so lucky. I mean, that is going
to be such a cool thing for those guys to
show their kids once they get their visitation rights back.
And even after even after he got back to the

(08:45):
White House, he just kept signing. I mean this this
guy was so in the zone. He didn't even know
what you were signing.

Speaker 14 (08:52):
Was withdrawing from the World Health Organizations?

Speaker 15 (08:55):
Ooh ooh, he's withdrawing from the World Health Organization.

Speaker 12 (09:05):
Like he's hearing the dessert options. No, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'll have the terremisue and potential miasles outbreak with that,
you know, I mean, if you could put anything in
front of him yesterday, he would have signed it.

Speaker 6 (09:18):
Milania.

Speaker 12 (09:18):
Now it's a chance to optate the prenup.

Speaker 1 (09:20):
Go go, go go.

Speaker 12 (09:22):
But you know, but you know what, I'm not gonna
be shitting on President Trump. Okay, Okay, sure he pulled
out of the Who who are those guys?

Speaker 1 (09:35):
What?

Speaker 12 (09:35):
What are the odds that's ever going to be a
pandemic requiring global cooperation? So I'm going to go to
President Trump if an open mind. You know, he won
the election, which means he's a great guy. Who's right,
So I'm sure his executive orders are reasonable.

Speaker 10 (09:51):
Trump pulled the US out of the Paris Climate Accords.

Speaker 12 (09:54):
Okay, Okay, look he I know that sounds bad for
these woke liberals, like does it really matter you know
one year in next year, one out that would have
been doing the hokey pokey for these guys, like twelve years.
They didn't even put us in a group chat anymore.

Speaker 16 (10:09):
Okay.

Speaker 12 (10:10):
Also, newsflash Paris acquote, Yo, we're not going to reach
the mission goals anyway. Okay, this world is over. It's
such an excuse to go to Paris, which overrated. Okay,
so fine, he's taking us out of anything that involves
the rest of the world. Okay, I'm sure there's other
executive orders that aren't any worse.

Speaker 17 (10:31):
Among the many executive orders President Trump signed on Monday
was this one pausing the TikTok band for seventy five days.
He says the United States should broker a deal to
own half of the platform.

Speaker 3 (10:44):
I think the.

Speaker 5 (10:45):
US should be entitled to get half of TikTok. And
congratulations TikTok as a good partner.

Speaker 6 (10:53):
Say yo.

Speaker 12 (10:54):
He brought back TikTok just as my brain was regaining
its higher order functions. I mean, oh my god, that
was close.

Speaker 6 (11:03):
Now.

Speaker 12 (11:04):
If you remember, TikTok was originally banned because everyone thinks
it gives China too much influence over Americans. And to
be fair, before I started using TikTok, I was a
white guy from Iowa. Okay, But the point, the point
is the people have spoken, Okay, we want China to
change our brains. What absolute idiot even thought of banning

(11:27):
it in the first place.

Speaker 6 (11:29):
We're looking at TikTok.

Speaker 1 (11:30):
We may be banning TikTok.

Speaker 12 (11:33):
Okay, yeah, thank you President Trump for saving us from
that guy. What I'm saying is all these executive orders
on bad Okay, I mean, what else is he doing?

Speaker 18 (11:43):
And Trump is going to try It's an executive order
to end their right citizenship. It's a constitutional right that
those born on American soil or US citizens, regardless of
their parents immigration status.

Speaker 12 (11:55):
Okay, Okay, that does sound like a major change, but
right citizenship has been in the Constitution of one hundred years.
But on the other hand, should you just be a
US citizen just because you were were born here? I mean,
I think all citizens should have to prove that they're
truly American by taking a quiz on American history and
failing it. Okay if your score, if your score is

(12:20):
above sixty, you're going back to as y'all whatever shithole
country as educational standards. And to be fair, nothing too
extreme so far. I mean, it sounds like there's a
campaign Trump that says things to win, and then there's
a President Trump who rules more moderately.

Speaker 17 (12:38):
Overnight, with the stroke of a pen, President Trump issuing
sweeping pardons to nearly all of the rioters charged for
their actions on January sixth, So this is January sixth.
Trump even granting clemency to the more than six hundred
people charged with assaulting or resisting law enforcement.

Speaker 12 (12:58):
Okay, Look, freeing violent criminals from prison seems less moderate
and more like something Bain did. Okay, but you know what,
if you know your history in that situation, Batman fixed it. Okay.
So concerns are over blown. And look, these guys have
been in prison for like two whole months already. Okay,

(13:21):
I'm sure they've learned that.

Speaker 19 (13:22):
Lesson Jacob Chancelly, we know him as also the QAnon Shaman.
He put out something on social media where he said,
I got a pardon baby, Thank you, President Trump. Now
I'm gonna buy some mother fn guns.

Speaker 12 (13:39):
It's almost the end of Trump's first week in office,
and he's done a lot. He shut down windmills, he
saved TikTok, he caught common San Diego, and the man
just can't stop, won't stop. On Monday, he wiped out
all federal DEI programs, and yesterday he ordered that if anyone, anyone,
if you see anyone trying to be inclusive, you better

(14:02):
tell teacher.

Speaker 11 (14:02):
The Trump administration asking federal workers to snitch on their coworkers.
In a rollback of diversity equity and inclusion programs.

Speaker 20 (14:09):
Employees have been told to report any colleagues who work
in diversity, equity and inclusion roles or they could face consequences.
NBC need has obtained emails sent to multiple agencies that
say some of these programs are disguised using coded or
imprecise language.

Speaker 12 (14:24):
Yeah you hear that. Don't even think about doing DII
in secret, right, Don't be meeting up in back alleys
like yo, yo, you gotta need lesbian resumes for me today.
And I know you think DII was only invented in
twenty twenty by Democrats looking for a fresh new way
to lose elections. But Donald Trump is dedicated to rooting

(14:46):
out DEI all throughout history.

Speaker 21 (14:49):
One of the president's executive orders revokes an executive order
signed by President Lyndon Johnson in nineteen sixty five that
the Trump administration says mandated affirmative action.

Speaker 12 (15:00):
That's right, Donald Trump went back in time to kill BABYDI.
It's kind of impressive that he got this much focus.
Trump is doing deep dives into these obscure old policies.
Like he's magot John Oliver. And look, I'm not going
to pretend to know more about civil rights law than
Donald Trump. I mean, he's been sued over it many times.

(15:21):
But if a discrimination law has been around since nineteen
sixty five, it might be a load bearing civil rights thing,
so maybe don't touch it. But DII is not the
only thing Trump is shutting down. He's also shutting down
illegal immigration. In fact, it was probably the biggest thing
he talked about during the campaign, aside from Ronold Palmer's penis,

(15:42):
which is actually a thing that happened. But today Trump
faced his first setback.

Speaker 3 (15:48):
Breaking news out of Seattle.

Speaker 10 (15:50):
A federal judge has just temporarily.

Speaker 9 (15:52):
Blocked President Trump's order attempting to end birthrights citizenship.

Speaker 22 (15:55):
The judge in this case is saying that they have
been on the bench for ever four decades. So this
is a quote from the judge inside the courtroom. I
can't remember another case where the question presented is as
clear as this one. This is a blatantly unconstitutional order.

Speaker 1 (16:09):
Whoa whoa whoa whoa?

Speaker 12 (16:10):
What does the Constitution have to do with this? The
Constitution is for gun stuff, Okay, who died and make
this woke activists.

Speaker 23 (16:19):
A judge huh oh uh, Ronald Reagan, that liberal cuck.

Speaker 12 (16:33):
This judge. This judge has been judging for four decades
and has never seen something and I quote so blatantly unconstitutional.
I mean, that's like the judge equivalent of a Kendrick distract,
Like all the other judges.

Speaker 6 (16:46):
Were like, oh shit, sweet concur.

Speaker 12 (16:51):
Usually the judge says this is a constitutional or unconstitutional okay,
but this is like next level unconstitutional. This is like
if you took a pregnancy test and he said you
are the least pregnant anyone's ever been in forty years.
But Trump doesn't expect all these executive orders to pass
legal scrutiny. He's signing those things the way guys swipe

(17:14):
right on every Tinder profile. Okay yo, he just needs
one or two to hit. And that's the weekend. Baby.
The point is Trump is gonna try whatever he can
to shut the border down. And last night Trump sat
down for some conversation and light man spreading with Sean
Hannity to explain why.

Speaker 17 (17:32):
In an Oval Office sit down last night, President Trump
repeated false claims that other countries are sending their prisoners here.

Speaker 1 (17:40):
They've emptied dead jails.

Speaker 5 (17:41):
I would if I were the president or prime minister
or something of another country, I'd empty my jails right
into America.

Speaker 1 (17:50):
You did do that.

Speaker 6 (17:54):
Like three days ago.

Speaker 10 (18:00):
With the.

Speaker 6 (18:03):
With the ten sixth thing.

Speaker 12 (18:05):
Remember the guy handle you all those cheesecake factory menus
and you sign them all.

Speaker 6 (18:13):
That was the thing.

Speaker 12 (18:15):
But look, Trump doesn't care whether migrants are technically criminals
or not, because he can tell just by looking at them.

Speaker 5 (18:23):
Sean who would ask for open borders with people pouring in,
some of whom I won't get into it, but you
can look at them and you can say, could be trouble,
could be trouble. There are people coming in with tattoos
all over their face, their entire faces covered with tattoos.

(18:43):
Typically you know he's not going to be the head
of the local.

Speaker 6 (18:46):
Bank, breaking news.

Speaker 12 (18:50):
Old man, not fan of tattoos, And yeah, probably the
guys who face tattoos aren't going to be bankers. But
maybe bankers should have tattoos. I mean, one tear drop
for every loan application they deny. A stay Cliff JP Morgan,
that guy local.

Speaker 13 (19:12):
Friday Night Masterflate Friday Night Perge, A chilling perch the purge?

Speaker 24 (19:18):
Oh Trump possession in the purge?

Speaker 2 (19:25):
Hi for what.

Speaker 1 (19:35):
HI for?

Speaker 2 (19:35):
One will take full advantage by doing some untermitted lawn work.

Speaker 1 (19:41):
Your God is powerless.

Speaker 2 (19:45):
Although, just in case I'm misinterpreting, what is this purge about?

Speaker 1 (19:48):
Exactly?

Speaker 7 (19:49):
Breaking news the mass firing of government agency watchdogs.

Speaker 17 (19:53):
Trump fired at least seventeen inspectors general.

Speaker 2 (19:57):
No, he got rid of seventeen inspectors general.

Speaker 1 (20:04):
That only leaves no one knows how many that I
have no idea.

Speaker 2 (20:19):
Oh, I'm sorry, did I break the illusion?

Speaker 1 (20:29):
You know, here's a nice thing a home.

Speaker 2 (20:30):
You don't know if that's the axe or my desk,
which one is fake?

Speaker 1 (20:39):
I'll never tell. The point is.

Speaker 2 (20:44):
We have seventeen less inspectors general. Who knows how many
generals will now go uninspected? Democrats inspire my anger in
the lead's charismatic way possible.

Speaker 25 (21:02):
Donald Trump's decision to fire twelve of the federal government's
independent watchdogs is a glaring sign that it's a golden age.
And Donald Trump's decision to fire twelve of the federal
government's independent watchdogs is a glaring sign that it's a
golden age for abuse in government and even corruption.

Speaker 1 (21:32):
He started again, right?

Speaker 2 (21:34):
He said it twice like no recognition, just started again.

Speaker 1 (21:42):
Is that what happened? Normally humans in that scenario would go,
oh god, I'm sorry?

Speaker 12 (21:46):
What?

Speaker 1 (21:47):
Uh? Where was I?

Speaker 2 (21:48):
Let me take that from the top and maybe this
time I'll look up.

Speaker 1 (21:55):
Can you are you? Can you legally just restart without acknowledgement?
Is Schumer ai? Is he deep seek?

Speaker 2 (22:06):
But regardless of how slowly NPC Chuck Schumer.

Speaker 1 (22:13):
Laid it out, what Trump did violated the law. He
can't just fire these people.

Speaker 4 (22:20):
Title five, Section four or three of the us CO
Federal Law in a spectro general may be removed by
the president.

Speaker 1 (22:27):
What so, what's the purge? What's the mouth? Why do
I have an axe?

Speaker 26 (22:35):
There is a specific law that requires notice thirty days
and a statement of reasons, substantive and detailed rationale.

Speaker 1 (22:44):
What I'm sorry?

Speaker 5 (22:45):
What?

Speaker 3 (22:46):
Oh?

Speaker 2 (22:47):
Apparently you can fire them, but you have to give
them thirty days notice.

Speaker 1 (22:51):
Oh so that's what we're upset about. No, you can
do it, but not in that font. That's Hitler's font.

Speaker 2 (23:04):
But this is the cycle we find ourselves in. First
law of trumpodynamics. Every action is met with a very
not equal overreaction, thus throwing off our ability to know
when shit is actually.

Speaker 1 (23:17):
Getting real Like last week's pardons.

Speaker 21 (23:21):
These pardons are sick, they are offensive, They are Unamerican.

Speaker 19 (23:26):
This is one of the most egregious, despicable acts in
American history.

Speaker 27 (23:31):
This is textbook authoritarian takeover.

Speaker 1 (23:33):
One oh one. I knew I should have taken that class.

Speaker 2 (23:38):
I'm not majored in submissive liberal crying one oh one.

Speaker 1 (23:45):
Do what you with Trumpieski? Was it shitty?

Speaker 12 (23:55):
Yes?

Speaker 1 (23:55):
Should you have let some of those terrible people?

Speaker 19 (23:58):
No?

Speaker 1 (23:59):
Is it an to be used of pardon power?

Speaker 2 (24:01):
I don't know, but that is his constitutional power. Again,
for some reason, we have given presidents the power of
a king, and then we say, oh, by the way,
with that power, you're not going to get all like
kinglean shit on us right.

Speaker 1 (24:17):
To put that in constitutional terms?

Speaker 2 (24:18):
If I could don't hate the player, hate the founding fathers, why.

Speaker 1 (24:29):
Don't we even have it? Because I don't know. If
you've met Donald Trump, he pushes shit.

Speaker 28 (24:36):
President Trump deploying executive action to end birthright citizenship.

Speaker 3 (24:40):
This unconstitutional on American.

Speaker 1 (24:44):
Attack, shredding our constitution was to be a strong man authoritarian.

Speaker 2 (24:49):
Birthright citizenship was very specifically tailored to send a message
to people in America was a place an idea.

Speaker 1 (24:55):
It wasn't for one race, it wasn't for one gender.

Speaker 2 (24:57):
Citizenship in America was based on where you were, not
who you were, and to just stroke of a pen. Finally,
I agree that is authoritarian.

Speaker 7 (25:09):
We do begin tonight with the federal judge blocking President
Trump's executive order that would end birthright citizenship, and we're back.

Speaker 1 (25:19):
See how easy that was. It was a dictatorship. And
then the judgment.

Speaker 2 (25:28):
It's like when you have an electric fence. You never
check it and you're not really sure if it works.

Speaker 1 (25:37):
Because you have a good boar. Yeah, I have a
very good boy, but then one day zap.

Speaker 2 (25:49):
By the way, I fundamentally disagree with the use of
electric fences, It is true. I prefer to discipline my
dogs with a series of passive, aggressive comments about their weight,
really tearing through the bowl to night.

Speaker 29 (26:09):
Huh, take a breath, Tubs, It's called kibble, not gobble.

Speaker 2 (26:25):
By the way, my dog's name is Tubs. Anyway, birthright
citizenship is back.

Speaker 1 (26:34):
No obviously will appeal it.

Speaker 2 (26:37):
Damn you constitutionally enshrined judicial review of executive action.

Speaker 1 (26:41):
And it's relief through the appellate process. Look, we are facing.

Speaker 2 (26:47):
A deluge of these executive actions, and certainly we must
be prepared for those most vulnerable to the consequences of
these actions. But this is all fascist argument has become
almost a re flex for the left.

Speaker 30 (27:02):
Donald Trump promised to be a dictator on day one,
and he's carried that forward through the entire week.

Speaker 6 (27:08):
Five days into this administration. The abuse has already rampant well.

Speaker 30 (27:12):
The rest of the week, shredding the constitution as he
went on.

Speaker 28 (27:16):
A fascism scale of one to ten, with ten being
peak fascism.

Speaker 10 (27:20):
How would you rate Trump's first week.

Speaker 1 (27:35):
The scale of Mussolini to the Holocaust? You know, I
would say it's not fascism.

Speaker 2 (27:42):
Do I not understand what fascism is? And also if
I may, and this may be petty, why are we
asking someone who at the end of January still has
his friend Christmas Treo, Why are we asking you anything?

Speaker 6 (28:02):
Donald Trump was busy getting our military in shape so
he can finally fulfill our country's month old dream of
conquering Greenland. And first we're going to need to have
as many troops as possible.

Speaker 30 (28:14):
President Trump has signed several executive orders to reshape the military,
including directive banning transgender service members.

Speaker 6 (28:22):
Okay, did I say as many troops? I mean fewer troops, right,
you know what they say in the army, less is more.

Speaker 1 (28:28):
Look, maybe they.

Speaker 6 (28:30):
Don't say that. I don't know, but that's Look. I
don't have a problem with transgender soldiers. As someone who
peaes himself anytime he hears a loud noise, I think
we should be grateful to anyone who's willing to put
their life on the line, so I don't have to.
But hey, yeah, okay, but I'm open minded about being

(28:50):
closed minded. So what's the issue here?

Speaker 30 (28:53):
President Trump signed an executive order calling transgender people unfit
to serve.

Speaker 31 (28:57):
One part says being transgender is quote knocking assistant with
the humility and selflessness required of a service member.

Speaker 30 (29:04):
Another says being trans conflicts with quote an honorable, truthful,
and disciplined lifestyle, even in one's personal life.

Speaker 6 (29:11):
Yeah, well, look, you know it makes sense that the
military has to be honorable, truthful, and disciplined. You know, sure,
this is your Secretary of Defense. But that's all the
more reason. That's all the more reason that the rest
of them have to have their shit together. It's like
how every Beatles album had to be packed with hits

(29:32):
to make up for that one song that Ringo wrote
about wanting to an octopus or whatever. I gotta say,
the military sure has a lot of ethical rules for
their mission of killing people. Hey, you want to blow
some guys head off, you better say please and thank you.
But to be fair, Trump had another argument against trans
soldiers as well.

Speaker 32 (29:52):
They specifically cite readiness with transition surgeries. If you have
a transition surgery, the recovery time and the narcotics that
you have to be on as part of the process
could affect your readiness for up to twelve months.

Speaker 6 (30:08):
Oh, up to twelve months. Do you know how long
our wars last. I think they'll have you back back.

Speaker 1 (30:16):
In the game in no time.

Speaker 6 (30:17):
Vietnam War eleven years, Afghanistan War twenty years. Even our
storage wars last fifteen seasons. First of all, transgender people
make up point one percent of the military, So Commander
in Chief, you're ruining the lives of people who are
dedicated to serving America while doing nothing to affect the
larger military. I don't see why a transition surgery should

(30:40):
affect readiness more than any other surgery. Trump is acting
like they're doing transition surgeries on the front lines. Medic
I need a medic over here. We got to get
this guy a laby a stat Also, what do you
mean readiness? Modern war is just telling a drone to
drop bombs. Pretty sure, it doesn't matter what your sex

(31:01):
is to go like this. That's how they dropped moth.
But Trump isn't just doing bad things to good people.
He's also doing good things to bad people. It's been
a week since he pardoned everyone who had a normal
tourist visit to the Capitol on January sixth, and I'm
sure they're making the most of their second chance.

Speaker 26 (31:21):
Right.

Speaker 4 (31:21):
A man pardoned by President Trump for his role in
the January sixth riot was shot and killed by an
Indiana deputy during a traffic stop.

Speaker 6 (31:29):
Okay, well except for that guy. I mean, that guy
really wasted a presidential pardon. Look, if I ever get
a presidential pardon, I'll tell you. I'll tell you what
I'm not gonna do. I'm not gonna get shot to death.
So what exactly happened there?

Speaker 4 (31:45):
At least say the deputy tried to arrest Matthew Huddle
on Sunday, but he resisted and the deputy shot him.
Investigator say, Huddle had a gun.

Speaker 6 (31:53):
Hmmm, a routine traffic stop ending in the police shooting
a man they claimed had a gun. This is the
kind of thing Liberals would cry police brutality. But if
it's a January sixther, you know, I I have a
feeling they're going to be like, oh, look, we need
to back the blue on this one. Liberals are getting

(32:15):
so much whiplash trying to decide if this cop is
bad or good. Rachel Maddow is going to be in
a neck brace. But aside from the ones who are dead,
all the rest of the January sixth riders who Trump
released from prison must be so happy.

Speaker 9 (32:29):
Right now, Houston authorities are trying to find a man
pardoned by Donald Trump for his role in the January
sixth riots. Andrew take is wanted for our twenty sixteen
charge of a solicitation of a minor.

Speaker 6 (32:41):
Okay, well, well not that guy. Also stop. But look,
any group as large as the January sixth crowd is
going to have one sex creep in it. You know,
there's probably one in our audience right now, raise your
hand if you're a sex creep. That guy in the
plaid shirt, that woman, sir, Come on the point is

(33:06):
all the rest of the partners are. They're fine, They're
doing fine.

Speaker 7 (33:08):
A Mint hill Man, who pleaded guilty to his involvement
in January sixth, is possibly facing other charges.

Speaker 18 (33:14):
Court document show David Daniel is facing child pornography charges.

Speaker 6 (33:18):
Wait, wait what, I'm starting to worry that the people
who broke into the capital and took a shit at
Nancy Pelosi's desk are not upstanding citizens, you know what.
Forget about those two pedophiles. Andrew Kyle Grigsby of Louisville,
who was pardoned for spraying Capitol police with bear spray,

(33:41):
is currently incarcerated in a Kentucky prison for two counts
of child pornography. Jesus Christ, at this point, it might
have been better for them just to stay in prison,
you know. At least then they were heroes. Now they're
all going to individual prisons for child pornography. Like, so,
do you guys have a choir?

Speaker 1 (34:04):
Trump's been busy these.

Speaker 6 (34:05):
Last few days signing orders reinstalling the diet coke button
grabbing Panama by the canal, but it was only a
matter of time until he had to start presidenting for real.
This morning, he held a press conference to address the
tragic plane crash in Washington, DC last night. And remember,

(34:25):
one of the most important things a leader can do
in a rapidly developing difficult situation is to calm people down,
stick to the facts, and keep your uninformed opinions to yourself.

Speaker 5 (34:38):
We do not know what led to this crash, but
we have some very strong opinions and ideas, and I
think we'll probably state those opinions now, I mean, or.

Speaker 1 (34:48):
We can just speculate wildly.

Speaker 18 (34:51):
Why not.

Speaker 6 (34:52):
I get a little bit nervous when Trump has a
strong opinion, you know, it's never something unifying, like sunsets
are beautiful or love is the answer. But this is
a new term and he's only a few days in,
so let's give him the benefit of the doubt. What's
Trump's opinion about what happened in DC.

Speaker 5 (35:11):
The FAA's diversity push, A big push to put diversity
into the FAA's program, the agency's Guidance and Diversity Hiring,
the FAS Diversity and Inclusion Hiring plan.

Speaker 6 (35:27):
Damn you, diversity initiatives. Why are you responsible for every
historical tragedy the fires in Los Angeles, DEI, the bridge
collapse in Baltimore, DEI, the Irish potato famine DEI, Slavery DI.
Did you ever notice how many minorities were at slavery?
It's all DI. Just to be clear, mister president, you

(35:50):
have evidence that diversity initiatives are responsible for this tragic crash.
You're not just saying this right right.

Speaker 33 (36:00):
I'm trying to figure out how you can come to
the conclusion right now that diversity had something to do
with this crash because they.

Speaker 1 (36:06):
Have common sense. There you go, No, no, no, there
you go, there you go. Here's common sense.

Speaker 6 (36:14):
It's just a coincidence that his common sense happens to
align with his long held prejudices. So let's spin the
big wheel of blame to see which minorities are responsible
for this crash. Who will it be this time? Black people, lesbians,
trans Armenians.

Speaker 5 (36:29):
The FAA is actively recruiting workers who suffer severe intellectual disabilities,
psychiatric problems, and other mental and physical conditions under a
diversity and Inclusion hiring initiative. They include hearing vision, missing extremities,
partial paralysis, complete paralysis, epilepsy, and dwarfismwarf.

Speaker 6 (37:02):
I can't believe it's only day ten and Trump is
already this far down his list of scapegoats. He's blown
past race and gender and now he's hitting dwarfs. Is
he really suggesting there is a plane crash because someone
with dwarfism worked in air traffic control? Does Trump think
they couldn't see the control panel and they.

Speaker 1 (37:23):
Were just.

Speaker 6 (37:27):
Reaching up and pushing bump and buttons hoping it would
work out. Hold on, I just want to say that
people with dwarfism are just like everyone else. In fact,
they're penises are normal size, which means proportionally they're huge.

(37:50):
So in a way you could say that I'm the
one looking up to them.

Speaker 2 (38:02):
That's a thinker, that's a thinkert of.

Speaker 6 (38:06):
Different layers in there. You might be thinking, well, that's progress.
You know, he used to blame everything on past administrations,
But don't worry, he got them in there too.

Speaker 5 (38:16):
We had a very good policy, and then Biden came
in and he changed it. And Biden went by a
standard that's the exact opposite the FAA, which is overseen
by Secretary Pete Buddhachek a real winner. You know how badly
everything's run since he's run the Department of Transportation. Obama,
Biden and the Democrats, they put politics at a level

(38:39):
that nobody's ever seen. Might changed the Obama standards from
very mediocre at best to extraordinary.

Speaker 6 (38:49):
I'm sorry you're blaming Obama, the guy from three presidents ago.
Forget blaming a fart on your This is blaming the
fart on your dog that died when you were eight.
I still think about you, Henry, such stinky farts. Yeah, look,

(39:13):
mister president, I know you're scared that people might hold
you responsible now that you're president. Because you're the president,
mister president, and it's time to just be a man. Okay.
Real men don't point fingers. Real men find solutions, real
men show leadership, real men moisturized guys. You got to

(39:35):
take care of your skin.

Speaker 1 (39:36):
You got to take care of your skin.

Speaker 12 (39:39):
Yeah.

Speaker 6 (39:42):
The skin is the biggest organ on the body unless
your dwarf. And it's the second bid.

Speaker 28 (39:53):
We all know Donald Trump isn't a details kind of guy.
We elected him to come up with big, brilliant ideas
like renaming the Gulf of Mexico. No one else could
have thought of that or should have thought of that.
But it's okay that he's not big on details because
during the campaign he promised us that he knew a guy.

Speaker 5 (40:12):
I'm going to appoint Elon Musk who's a fantastic guy
to lead a government efficiency commission tasked with saving trillions
of dollars in fraud, waste, and abuse. We have tremendous fat,
tremendous fet.

Speaker 10 (40:31):
Don't take the bait? Does he don't take the bait?
Be the bigger person, Be the bigger person. Okay, that's right.

Speaker 28 (40:39):
Elon Musk, the world's richest man and guy who cheers
in the wrong parts of saving private Ryan Trump promised
us that he'd give Elon full access to the federal government,
pull it to the side, and get all up in it.
And unlike his wedding vows, this is a promise he kept.

Speaker 27 (41:00):
Musk sweeping push to make over the federal government, sparking
democratic panic and warnings of a constitutional crisis.

Speaker 34 (41:07):
Now we have learned that his team has gained access
to something extraordinarily sensitive, the system that the Treasury Department
uses to disperse almost every check and expenditure of any
kind made by the US government that is a.

Speaker 27 (41:21):
Vast database with millions of Americans personal information on it.

Speaker 28 (41:27):
Yeah, yeah, Elon Musk has access to your Social Security
number and that is not cool. If you want our
personal data, Elon, you go buy it off the dark
web like everyone else. Okay, Now, you might be thinking,
I don't want white nationalist Tony Stark to have sole
control of the inner workings of the federal government. But relax,

(41:51):
it's not just Elon. He has a fully equipped team.

Speaker 9 (41:55):
Longtime government employees this week were shocked to find that
they're new supervisors from Elon Musk's DOGE department include recent
college and high school graduates between nineteen and twenty four
years old. One of the young men is apparently a
former Internet Musk's neuralink company who goes by the online
handle Big Balls.

Speaker 28 (42:17):
Great Big Bulls has my Social Security number.

Speaker 10 (42:20):
Now I feel better.

Speaker 28 (42:22):
But Elon Musk isn't the only one having people finger
banging their eggs Florentine with excitement.

Speaker 10 (42:27):
Donald Trump is.

Speaker 28 (42:28):
Also reducing the government workforce, although his interest seemed to
be less about cost cutting and more about sweet sweet revenge.

Speaker 2 (42:37):
I'm tremendous unrest inside the FBI as prosecutors and agents
who worked on the January sixth investigation and are being targeted.

Speaker 34 (42:44):
It looks like a wholesale purge of the FBI. As
you know, already, the eight top officials at the Federal
Bureau of Investigation have either been fired or forced to resign.
Now the FBI is being asked to produce a list
of every employee worked on any case related to January sixth.
I am told this is some six thousand FBI employees,

(43:07):
all told.

Speaker 10 (43:10):
What the fire.

Speaker 28 (43:13):
These agents were doing their job enforcing the law, and
now they're getting fired.

Speaker 10 (43:18):
That is not how it works.

Speaker 28 (43:19):
I cannot believe I have to explain firing to the
star of the Apprentice that was your whole fake job.
And this is obviously just the beginning, because Trump is
going to be targeting everyone that's ever come after him.
And I just want to say, I'm not scared, So
mister Trump, bring it on, Okay, that's.

Speaker 10 (43:46):
Coming from me.

Speaker 28 (43:47):
Jordan Klepper k l Epper.

Speaker 17 (43:55):
This morning, a stunning proposal from an American President, Donald Trump,
with the Israeli Prime Minister by his side, declaring that
the US will take over the Gaza Strip.

Speaker 5 (44:05):
The US will take over the Gaza Strip.

Speaker 1 (44:08):
We'll own it.

Speaker 10 (44:22):
Okay, let me just ask what and also what.

Speaker 35 (44:27):
President Trump made a surprising suggestion last night during a
press conference with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin nettan Yahoo, the
United States he said should take over the war torn
Gaza Strip and redevelop it into something like a seaside resort.

Speaker 5 (44:41):
We have an opportunity to do something that could be phenomenal.

Speaker 1 (44:46):
And I don't want to be cute. I don't want
to be a wise guy.

Speaker 5 (44:49):
But the riviera of the Middle East.

Speaker 10 (44:54):
What the.

Speaker 28 (44:58):
Trump is going to turn Gaza into the Riviera. He
couldn't even turn Atlantic City into a nicer Atlantic City.

Speaker 10 (45:10):
If anything, they tore down so many of his casinos.

Speaker 28 (45:13):
He turned to Atlantic City into Gaza. But okay, he
wants to rebuild it, and he wants to turn it
into mar A Lago. At least the Palestinians will have
a place to go back to.

Speaker 17 (45:26):
Donald Trump calling for the permanent resettlement of roughly two
million Palestinians.

Speaker 5 (45:30):
I don't think people should be going back to Gaza.
I think that Gaz has been very unlucky for them.

Speaker 17 (45:36):
And he says he's willing to use the US military
to do it.

Speaker 5 (45:39):
We'll do what is necessary.

Speaker 1 (45:41):
If it's necessary, we'll do that.

Speaker 28 (45:49):
Okay, Just so I'm clear, your idea is to take
over Gaza, rebuild it into mar A Lago, and make
sure that the Palestinians who live there can't go back.
That is the easiest thing he said since yesterday and
until tomorrow, even as chief of staff was shocked.

Speaker 10 (46:10):
Look at her face. She looks just like.

Speaker 28 (46:15):
She won Best Country Album at the Grammy. And of
course she's shocked. He's effectively advocating for ethnic cleansing.

Speaker 10 (46:29):
Who could possibly be okay with that?

Speaker 36 (46:31):
You see things others refuse to see. You say things
others refuse to say, and on. After the jaws drop,
people scratch their heads and they say, you.

Speaker 1 (46:44):
Know, he's right.

Speaker 28 (46:51):
No, they usually scratch their heads and they say, what
the fuck are you talking about? Of course, Phoebe is
ecstatic at Trump's idea.

Speaker 10 (47:04):
Look at him.

Speaker 28 (47:05):
He looks happier than a teenager getting a hand job
in the back of a birthright bus. But bb aside,
this proposal is giving a lot of people whiplash. Trump
ran his whole campaign on America First, and now he's
out there chanting from the riviera to the sea. Yesterday,

(47:25):
Donald Trump unveiled his big plan to relocate Gosins and
turn their homeland into the world's holiest hard rock hotel
and casino.

Speaker 10 (47:34):
And today the reviews are in.

Speaker 28 (47:36):
The Arab world hates it, Democrats condemn it, Republicans have
problems with it, and the Palestinians won't abide by it.
Or as Trump says.

Speaker 2 (47:45):
A lot of people are talking about everybody loves it.

Speaker 10 (47:52):
I stand corrected. I guess everybody loves it.

Speaker 28 (47:55):
And even though the plan was totally perfect in every way,
his staff spent the entire next day walking back every
single part of it.

Speaker 17 (48:04):
The President said his intention was to remove Palestinians from
Gaza permanently.

Speaker 5 (48:09):
If we can get a beautiful area to resettle people permanently.

Speaker 17 (48:13):
But today the press secretary said it would be temporary.

Speaker 37 (48:16):
But the President has made it care that they need
to be temporarily relocated out of Gaza for the rebuilding
of this effort.

Speaker 28 (48:24):
Oh, Trump's press secretary just had her first walk back.
This is an important rite of passage for Trump's spokespeople.

Speaker 10 (48:33):
They're bull mitzvah.

Speaker 28 (48:34):
If you will She was spending so much time walking
back the plan that at one point she ran out
of English words. This is an unhabitable place for human beings.

Speaker 10 (48:47):
Yeah, so true.

Speaker 28 (48:49):
Remind me how it got unhabilibitable again?

Speaker 10 (48:54):
Even worse for Caroline.

Speaker 28 (48:56):
While she was scrambling to salvage Trump's plan, Trump was
on truth social readjusting it on the fly, which left
everybody even more confused.

Speaker 4 (49:04):
Breaking Just a short time ago, President Trump seemed to backtrack,
but also to double down on his plan to take over.

Speaker 28 (49:13):
Gaza, a backtrack and a double down, And now on
the uneven bars, Donald Trump will attempt the rare combination backtrack,
double down, and let's see if he breaks every bone
in his body. But while his team tries to fix
his Gaza plan, Donald Trump has already moved on because

(49:36):
he's basically the neurovirus. Every day he spews executive orders
all over the place, and while we struggle to clean
up all the puke, he comes out the other end
with something even worse.

Speaker 10 (49:47):
He tried to.

Speaker 28 (49:48):
Buy out the entire workforce of the CIA. His DOJ
is going after anyone who's investigated him, and now he
has defeated America's biggest threat at.

Speaker 37 (49:58):
The White House today, President Trump signing an executive order
banning transgender women and girls from competing in women's sports.

Speaker 5 (50:05):
With this executive order, the war on women's sports is over.

Speaker 38 (50:09):
Who are putting.

Speaker 5 (50:10):
Every school receiving taxpayer dollars on notice that if you
let men take over women's sports teams or invade your
locker rooms, you will be investigated for violations of Title
NINN and risk your federal funding.

Speaker 10 (50:28):
You don'tice how.

Speaker 28 (50:29):
We paused right before invade your locker rooms, Like, maybe
we won't make that illegal.

Speaker 10 (50:36):
You should I proof read this.

Speaker 28 (50:40):
It's bad enough that he's banned trans women from sports,
but spare us the performance of pretending that this is
a top issue for women in this country. Maybe start
with I don't know reproductive rights or pay inequality, or
why it's twenty twenty five and still none of my

(51:03):
clothes have pockets. Now you might be wondering, is this
really going to be the entire Trump presidency? Just divisive
executive orders every day for the next four years.

Speaker 10 (51:17):
Probably?

Speaker 28 (51:18):
But on the bright side, he did have one executive
order today that felt relatively harmless.

Speaker 5 (51:25):
I have signed an executive order to resume the process
of creating a new national park full of statues of
the greatest Americans who ever lived.

Speaker 1 (51:34):
It would be called the.

Speaker 5 (51:35):
National Garden of American Heroes. And I hope that Congress
will fully fund this wonderfully unifying project at the first
possible opportunity.

Speaker 28 (51:48):
Excuse me, sir, Americans already have a national Garden and
it sells unlimited breadsticks. I never thought i'd say this,
but Elon, I got some government waste for you.

Speaker 10 (52:04):
Right here?

Speaker 28 (52:06):
Does anyone have the phone number of the Department of
Government Efficiency?

Speaker 10 (52:09):
Actually they're all twelve year olds.

Speaker 28 (52:10):
Does anyone have the roadblocks user names of the Department
of Government Efficiency?

Speaker 1 (52:19):
Here's here's And I'm going to drop some knowledge.

Speaker 2 (52:22):
And no one really cared about the game because of
the earth shattering announcement that had been made moments prior.

Speaker 5 (52:29):
You know, we're flying over right now, we're flying over
a thing called the Gulfs of America, and I'm signing
a proclamation. And perhaps you could define that.

Speaker 2 (52:44):
First of all, why do you fly around in a
Hyatt hotel room? Second of all, define proclamation that you
don't know what a prop or do you just want
her to say what the actual propert.

Speaker 1 (52:58):
I'm sorry I interrupted.

Speaker 16 (53:00):
This is a.

Speaker 9 (53:00):
Proclamation declaring today, February ninth, twenty twenty five is the
first ever Gulf of America.

Speaker 6 (53:07):
Day, and we're flying right over it right now.

Speaker 2 (53:10):
So we thought this would be appropriate.

Speaker 5 (53:14):
Even bigger than the Super Bowl.

Speaker 1 (53:19):
It's true, bigger than the Super Bowl.

Speaker 2 (53:21):
In fact, my favorite thing about Gulf of America Day
are the commercials.

Speaker 1 (53:27):
It's very historic.

Speaker 2 (53:28):
I'm sure we'll look back on this day fondly when
America is swallowed up by the rising waters of the
Gulf of America.

Speaker 1 (53:36):
You know, it turns out it's kind of a weird thing.

Speaker 2 (53:39):
Airplanes might not be the best place to make bigger
than the Super Bowl announcements.

Speaker 5 (53:44):
Even bigger than the Super Bowl. This is a big thing,
and almost everybody now has assented to that.

Speaker 8 (53:52):
And ladies and.

Speaker 24 (53:53):
Gentlemen, if you please direct your taking out the right side.

Speaker 14 (53:56):
Of the aircraft.

Speaker 12 (53:57):
Air Force one is currently in international waters the.

Speaker 4 (54:00):
First time in history is flying over the recently renamed
golc of America.

Speaker 2 (54:09):
First of all, oh my god, it shut him up,
even for just a second. I think airplane pilots must
be the most powerful force.

Speaker 1 (54:21):
In the universe.

Speaker 2 (54:24):
I feel like the Democrats have to get themselves an
airplane pilot. Sorry for the interruption, but you can't do that.
Maybe let's Shumer. Schumer will be the pilot. But forgive me,

(54:48):
I've been forgotten. What does calling a Gulf of America do?

Speaker 23 (54:52):
Do?

Speaker 1 (54:52):
We get all its fish?

Speaker 12 (54:53):
Now?

Speaker 39 (54:54):
Make America great again?

Speaker 5 (54:55):
Right, that's what we care about.

Speaker 1 (54:57):
Making America great A good.

Speaker 2 (55:04):
Everything Trump does all part of making America great again.
Order one, roll back everything from the previous not great
administration regulations on the environment, regulations, on the Second Amendment,
the Title nine guidance, and not just the big shit.
You want to make America great again, you can't skimp
on the details.

Speaker 13 (55:22):
President Trump says he's going to reverse Joe Biden's mandate
to phase out plastic straws, saying, enjoy your next drink
without a strawa disgustingly dissolves in your mouth.

Speaker 1 (55:34):
You okay, He's right on this one.

Speaker 2 (55:37):
He he is right on this one.

Speaker 1 (55:44):
Those straws are fing terrible.

Speaker 2 (55:47):
Objectively, I'm supposed to have some weird tissue paper dissolve
in my mouth just because turtles can't figure out straws
aren't food. Now, don'tate to tubes, stupid turtles. So Trump
is making America great again by taking us back to
twenty sixteen. But obviously, if we're gonna make America great again,

(56:11):
we can't stop in twenty sixteen. We got to keep
pushing to that place when America was truly great. How
much further back do we need to go? So it

(56:31):
looks like it's the seventies.

Speaker 1 (56:39):
Oh, like you don't know who Burt Reynolds is.

Speaker 2 (56:45):
If you're gonna make us great, you're gonna have to
roll further back than the seventies.

Speaker 1 (56:49):
What do you got.

Speaker 5 (56:50):
We're going to stop the destructive and devisive diversity, equity
and inclusion.

Speaker 1 (56:57):
Yeah, the seventies won't fly.

Speaker 2 (56:59):
Seventies it was all about women's lib and stonewall. Now,
my friends, we got to go back further to make
America great. And ladies, when we do go back, don't worry.
It's all going to work out for you.

Speaker 38 (57:11):
You will no longer be thinking about abortion.

Speaker 5 (57:14):
Women will be happy, healthy, confident, and free like everything
else that's a little bit different today. You're not allowed
to say that because if you call a woman or
a girl beautiful, that's the end of your career.

Speaker 1 (57:28):
Oh you can't even say, hey, sugar tits.

Speaker 40 (57:43):
But ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna go back to the
old days with regular tits, not the ones that disgustingly
dissolve in your mouth.

Speaker 24 (57:58):
Also, Jesus, but let's not stop in the seventies, their folks,

(58:19):
not even in the fact.

Speaker 1 (58:20):
Let's keep going, because.

Speaker 2 (58:22):
That sounds like the fifties and the fifties are still
too inclusive. I mean, by then Italians and Irish were
considered white.

Speaker 1 (58:28):
No, that's too far. Keep going back. America's greatness, awaits.

Speaker 5 (58:33):
We were the richest country in the world. We were
at our riches from eighteen seventy to nineteen thirteen, that's
when we had we were a tariff country.

Speaker 1 (58:42):
Eighteen seventies. Okay, there we go. Eighteen seventies kill kill
Bill doo.

Speaker 2 (59:00):
And of course will America presently is still pretty faking rich.
Apologies Luxembourg, point taken. Who wouldn't trade our current environment
for America's eighteen seventies tariff driven bekandled tuberculosis laden pre
industrial heyday.

Speaker 5 (59:18):
We were so wealthy we had commissions set up what
to do with all the money that we were taking in.

Speaker 1 (59:24):
Quick point of order.

Speaker 2 (59:25):
Though to the extent that we were at our richest
from eighteen seventy to nineteen thirteen, it wasn't so much
we as like four guys, and we called them robber barons.

Speaker 1 (59:38):
As a sign of affection.

Speaker 2 (59:43):
Meanwhile, the rest of America, the leading cause of death
was falling into a vat at work, and it got
to the point where even the robber barons realized that
the only way this glorious era in American history was
going to end was either full scale in revolution or
reasonable compromise, which is how we ended up with stuff

(01:00:04):
like income tax and labor laws and workplace safety guarantees.
So let's really tread carefully in the greatness way back machine.

Speaker 41 (01:00:14):
Arizona House Republican Andy Biggs introduced a bill this week
that would abolish OSHA, a Department of Labor agency tasked
with overseen workplace safety.

Speaker 1 (01:00:23):
To the vats.

Speaker 2 (01:00:27):
And fill mine with boiling tallow boy, what what?

Speaker 1 (01:00:34):
Why not just bring back child labor while you're at it.
When you talk about school lunches, Hey, I work my
way through high school.

Speaker 34 (01:00:42):
I know about you, but I worked since I was
before I was even thirteen years old. I was picking
berries in the field before child labor laws that precluded that.

Speaker 2 (01:00:54):
Shore picking berries in a field before you bumits fun.
I mean, by the way, how old are you if
you were picking berries before there were child labor laws?

Speaker 1 (01:01:07):
Because you look great.

Speaker 2 (01:01:10):
Is the key to good skin working the fields as
a child.

Speaker 27 (01:01:15):
Now.

Speaker 2 (01:01:15):
I hate to bring this up, but if we are
going back to the eighteen seventies and before, does that
include every diversity initiative?

Speaker 5 (01:01:24):
Birthright citizenship was If you look back when this was
past and made, that was meant for the children of slaves.
This was not meant for the whole world to come in.
Everybody coming in and totally unqualified people with perhaps unqualified children.

Speaker 2 (01:01:54):
Don't bring us. You're tired and poor, huddled masses. Do
you have any mathletes? Any does Hauser? We will take
all of your sheldons, young and old. For those of
you at home who might fear that the president's desire
to take us back to our nation's historic greatness may
tread into unconstitutional action, fear not, because the brilliant design

(01:02:16):
of our nation allows for the co equal branch of
the judiciary to stand as a bulwark against tyranny. As
judged in the landmark decision of eighteen oh three Marbury
versus Madison, which, as you know, is when James Madison
lost the historic Supreme Court case to Stefan Marbury. Marbury

(01:02:42):
ran him out of the building and established our foundational
separation of powers.

Speaker 32 (01:02:47):
Vice President jad Vans he had some interesting words about
the separation of power and government.

Speaker 1 (01:02:55):
He's for it.

Speaker 11 (01:02:57):
If a judge tried to tell a general how to
conduct a military operation, that would be illegal.

Speaker 17 (01:03:01):
If a judge tried to.

Speaker 11 (01:03:02):
Command the attorney general on how to use her discretion
as a prosecutor, that's also illegal. Judges aren't allowed to
control the executive's legitimate power.

Speaker 2 (01:03:15):
Of course, they're allowed to adjudicate the boundaries of that power.
That's the whole point of the judiciary, to interpret whether
those powers are legitimate.

Speaker 1 (01:03:25):
You would the lads over.

Speaker 24 (01:03:26):
The the alternatives.

Speaker 1 (01:03:33):
Acting.

Speaker 2 (01:03:37):
The only alternative is that the executive determines for himself
what is constitutional, at which point there would be no
guardrails against.

Speaker 1 (01:03:52):
Hate. Congress, Hey, buddy, you got a little separation of
powers problem. I was wondering any chance he might be
reassert your authority, opposition, pardon democrats. Are you ready to
do some oppositioning.

Speaker 42 (01:04:06):
There are some things we can do, but the Republicans
are the majority in the Senate and the House. We're
going to need some Republicans, frankly, who are willing to lose,
who are willing to be a Liz Cheney and say
I will lose my seat to do the right thing
by this country, not the right thing by Donald Trump.

Speaker 3 (01:04:27):
I haven't seen it yet.

Speaker 31 (01:04:28):
Let's hope Democratic Congressman Dan Goldman of New York.

Speaker 1 (01:04:45):
That's the sales pitch.

Speaker 2 (01:04:48):
We just need someone on their side willing to lose
everything to progress, like a Russian dog being shot into space.
You can see the Democrats backbone on our new show
American Backslides.

Speaker 1 (01:05:01):
I'm starting Dad.

Speaker 2 (01:05:02):
Going vinesca hoop loser.

Speaker 3 (01:05:12):
Donald Truff has been imposing a lot of tariffs since
he took office, And if the nature and scope of
these tariffs confuses you, don't worry. You're not the only one, thank.

Speaker 14 (01:05:23):
You, sir. Next In twenty eighteen, you imposed odd volorum
duties tariffs on imports of steel at a twenty five
percent rate. Since that time, a large number of exclusions
and exceptions to that tariff rule have been implemented because
of the damage to the United States steel industry that

(01:05:46):
those exceptions and exclusions have imposed. Where now this order
would reimpose that twenty five percent oddlorum tariff rate on
imports of steel. And it's presented for your signature.

Speaker 5 (01:05:58):
Now do you understand what that means?

Speaker 6 (01:06:10):
Do you understand what that means?

Speaker 3 (01:06:13):
I mean, why don't you tell me, President of the
United States what this means? Explain advalorum to me like
I was a child. This is Trump's own policy, and
he's so bored by it. And you can tell because
at one point he gets so bored he just starts
peeking into a random folder on the desk. What's in here?

(01:06:35):
Can't he.

Speaker 1 (01:06:38):
Picture of boobs?

Speaker 12 (01:06:38):
What do we got?

Speaker 3 (01:06:40):
Oh? Oh, oh, just more falters? Why is this guy
still talking? Yesterday was a busy day at the White House. First,
Trump met with the King of Jordan, the country Jordan,
not the Boston ma King Abdulla the Second. Okay, of course,
Trump invited the king to discuss his plan to displace

(01:07:02):
two million people and turn Gaza into the Atlantic City
of the Middle East, which sounds pretty clear cut to me,
but apparently the nitpickers and the media still have questions.

Speaker 1 (01:07:12):
You said before that.

Speaker 3 (01:07:13):
The US would buy Gaza, and today you just said,
we're not going to buy Gadza.

Speaker 5 (01:07:17):
We're not gonna have to buy We're not gonna buy anything.
We're gonna have it and we're gonna keep it, and
we're gonna make sure that there's gonna be peace and
there's not gonna be any problem. And nobody's gonna question it.

Speaker 3 (01:07:30):
There's no problem, and nobody's gonna question it. Trump is
like a Jedi who doesn't have the force. I'll take Gaza.
Nobody's gonna question it. Nobody is this thing working?

Speaker 16 (01:07:41):
Is this thing?

Speaker 3 (01:07:44):
But Trump has another plan to convince the haters, a
charm offensive.

Speaker 5 (01:07:49):
It's a war torn area. We're gonna take it, we're
gonna hold it, we're gonna cherish it.

Speaker 3 (01:07:55):
Okay, so it's going to be an ethnic cherishing. I
got okay, Okay, I mean, how did that start? Like
a Mussolini speech? And as a boys to men's song,
we will take the land, it will be ours, and
we're gonna make love to you like you want us to,
and I'll hold it tight, maybe all through the knights.

(01:08:15):
And one thing I find weird about Donald Trump saying
he wants to run Gaza. Is that from what we've
seen so far, he barely wants to run the United States.
For weeks, people have been raising alarms about how Trump
seems to be handing way too much power over to
Elon Musk, and yesterday Trump replied, I hear you. You
want me to give more power to Elon Musk.

Speaker 43 (01:08:36):
President Trump's setting new guidelines for hiring in the federal
workforce while giving more power to Elon Musk and his
team at the Department of Government Efficiency or DOGE. A
new executive order directs government agencies to pursue large scale cuts,
saying they now need hiring approval from DOGE.

Speaker 3 (01:08:53):
Yes, Elon Musk is now in charge of all government highlings, hirants, hirants. Sorry,
I didn't say that, right, right, I didn't say yeah, Okay, okay.

(01:09:15):
I don't know why I keep hitler miss speaking. I
don't know why I keep misspeaking. So this was already
a pretty unusual thing for president to do, but Trump
being Trump, he had to make it even more ridiculous
by introducing it with a full on circus act in
the Oval Office. And look at this scene. Musk is
holding court with his hands tinted like a Bond villain,

(01:09:39):
probably to stop him from doing a Nazi salute with
his with his four year old child in tow. I
mean that poor kid. His dad literally runs SpaceX and
Elon took him to a meeting on federal spending. Dad,
are we gonna get to see the rockets? No, sun,
We're going to discuss budgets because I'm a shitty dad.

(01:10:00):
Everything about this event was so bizarre. Trump was sitting
quietly for half an hour, retreating to his happy place,
thinking about Arnold Palmer's giant doge. I mean, and who
thought cloning Stephen Miller was a good idea? I mean,
is it for spare parts? I mean they look like

(01:10:20):
a before and even more before picture. I mean, okay,
all right, leaving aside this renaissance painting done by the
dogs playing poker guy, It's good that we have Elon
Musk here because we've been watching him slashing programs and

(01:10:42):
shuddering agencies for a month now, and we can finally
ask Elon, why are.

Speaker 1 (01:10:47):
You doing this?

Speaker 39 (01:10:49):
If the people cannot vote on how they will be
decided by their elected representatives in the form of the
president and the Senate in the House, then we don't
live in them on we live in a bureaucracy. So
it's incredibly important that the President of the House and
the Senate decide what happens as opposed to a large
unelected bureaucracy.

Speaker 1 (01:11:11):
Wow.

Speaker 3 (01:11:13):
Wow, I mean, you see why this guy's a genius.
You don't want an unelected bureaucrat running the country. It
makes a lot of sense. No questions here. I do
have one question, though, isn't that you? I mean, am

(01:11:37):
I going crazy? Because it feels like I'm watching Drake
sing not like us at carry Okay, does he not know?
Remember during the campaign, Donald Trump made some big promises
about how quickly and easily he was going to end
that war.

Speaker 5 (01:11:57):
If I'm president, I will have that war settled in
one day, twenty four hours.

Speaker 1 (01:12:01):
I would tell Putin gotta settle.

Speaker 5 (01:12:03):
I would tell Zelenski, you gotta settle. I would get
a settlement in twenty four hours, no longer than one day.

Speaker 1 (01:12:10):
I can get it ended.

Speaker 5 (01:12:11):
As president elect, I will get it settled before I
even become president.

Speaker 3 (01:12:16):
I'm gonna do it. Back to the future and this
war before it even starts. Go back in time, kiss
my mom, maybe have sex with her. What am I
talking about?

Speaker 42 (01:12:24):
What was I talking about?

Speaker 6 (01:12:27):
There?

Speaker 3 (01:12:28):
We are one month into that first twenty four hours
and Donald Trump is finally ready to negotiate. But it's
gonna be tough, which is why he started out with
a quick warm up negotiation. First, an old fashioned prisoner
swap with Russia. Let's see how it went.

Speaker 17 (01:12:43):
Russia freed a wrongfully detained American teacher, Mark Voegel, returning
to the US after more than three years in Russian
captivity imprisoned for carrying a small amount of medically prescribed marijuana.
In exchange, the US releasing Russian cyber crime kingpin Alexander Vinnick.

Speaker 3 (01:13:00):
What you traded a cybercrime kingpin for public school teacher
Mark Fogel. This is like if the Dallas Mavericks traded
Luka Doncic for public school teacher Mark Fogel. I mean,
at least the teacher we got back is the cool teacher.

(01:13:20):
He smokes weed and he's been to jail. I mean,
you know, you know, he's showing movies in fourth period. Also, Americans,
stop smoking weed in Russia. If you need to relax,
try not being in Russia. Okay, okay, now that Trump
got all warmed up, it's time for the main event.

Speaker 17 (01:13:42):
This morning, President Trump pledging to meet with Russian President
Putin in person after announcing they've agreed to start negotiations
immediately to end the war in Ukraine.

Speaker 37 (01:13:52):
President Trump saying, quote, I just had a lengthy and
highly productive phone call with President Vladimir Putin of Russia.
Just gost Ukraine, the Middle East, energy, artificial intelligence, the
power of the dollar, and various other subjects.

Speaker 3 (01:14:09):
Yeah, I'd like to know what those various other subjects were.
I mean, it's tad suspicious. It's like a husband coming
back from a Vegas bachelor party saying, yeah, we ate
some great food, we saw the sphere, did various other things. Anyway,

(01:14:29):
you should get a prescription for valtrex. So Trump has
now set the stage for face to face negotiations with
Putin on the future of Ukraine. But Trump won't be
going into this alone. He also has Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth,
a man who does not take no for an answer,
according to police reports. So get ready, Putin, because you're

(01:14:50):
about to face the toughest negotiations of your life.

Speaker 17 (01:14:53):
Pete Hegseth, speaking at NATO headquarters during his first trip
to Europe, was blunt, saying Ukraine's long thought membership in
NATO isn't realistic. Neither is thinking Ukraine can regain all
the territory Russia has seized. We must start.

Speaker 4 (01:15:08):
By recognizing that returning to Ukraine's pre twenty fourteen borders
is an unrealistic.

Speaker 17 (01:15:14):
Objective, measures that will likely be welcomed by Putin, prompting
questions about whether Trump is giving up his leverage to
negotiate with Russia.

Speaker 8 (01:15:23):
Speaking in unusually blunt terms, the German Defense minister accusing
the Trump administration of making concessions to Putin before these
peace negotiations have even begun.

Speaker 3 (01:15:36):
Okay, so before negotiations even start, America gave up the
two things Russia most wants. I mean, oh, do heg
Seth and Trump not know how to negotiate between the
two of them. They've been divorced ninety seven times. I mean,
if your opening move is giving away the house, the car,
and the kids, best case scenario, you're leaving court with

(01:16:00):
half of a golden retriever. I mean, no one's gonna
be happy with that, except for maybe RFK Junior. But
I guess there's still plenty of stuff to negotiate. For example,
you know which animal will Zelenski be fed to once
the Russians take over. Probably a lion, but could.

Speaker 1 (01:16:17):
Be a shark. You know there's room there.

Speaker 3 (01:16:19):
Whichever animal it is, you'll probably fall out of a window. Regardless.
Trump is not gonna go driving a hard bargain on
Ukraine's behalf, and that's fine. But as long as Ukraine
is an equal member of this peace process, they'll get
some of what they want.

Speaker 10 (01:16:35):
Do you hear.

Speaker 28 (01:16:35):
Ukraine as an equal member of this peace process?

Speaker 1 (01:16:41):
It's an interesting question.

Speaker 12 (01:16:45):
Yeight.

Speaker 3 (01:16:46):
That's like when my dentist asked if by flaws, it's
an interesting question.

Speaker 6 (01:16:53):
I gotta go.

Speaker 3 (01:16:56):
Okay. So this is not looking good for Ukraine. Imagine
not even being invited to your own peace negotiations. It's
like if your wife told you she wanted a threesome
and then asked what night you'll be away on business.
Have so much fun, sweetie. I'm strong enough for this.

(01:17:19):
It's okay. I had it coming after Vegas. You might
think it's unfair to put Ukraine in this position after
they were the ones invaded but that's not exactly how
Trump sees things.

Speaker 1 (01:17:31):
I think they have to make peace. That people are
being killed, and I think they have.

Speaker 5 (01:17:35):
To make peace. I said that was not a good
war to go into.

Speaker 3 (01:17:41):
Not a good one to go into.

Speaker 6 (01:17:43):
They were invaded.

Speaker 3 (01:17:46):
It wasn't their IDEA little advice for the back of
Abraham Lincoln's head, don't get hit by a bullet. Not
smart fuck here.

Speaker 6 (01:18:00):
Clearly, this is going to.

Speaker 3 (01:18:01):
Be a complex negotiation, and it couldn't have come at
a worse time for Trump because he's also busy with
his second job. Last week, he declared himself the chairman
of Washington's Kennedy Center for the Arts, the government's premier
arts institution. And if you're thinking, wait, Trump is completely
unqualified to think about art, don't worry. He brought along

(01:18:22):
an equally unqualified board to help him out.

Speaker 41 (01:18:25):
He was elected by a board that he recently shook up,
replacing appointees by Democratic presidents with Trump loyalists. As for
the board, it now includes Attorney General Pambondi, Second Lady
Usha Vans, Chief of Staff Susie Wiles, Deputy Chief of
Staff Dan Scamino, Alison Lettnik, who's the e Commerce secretary's wife.

Speaker 3 (01:18:40):
Okay, first of all, what's up with this voto?

Speaker 5 (01:18:53):
Oh?

Speaker 3 (01:18:53):
You need a headshot of mister Scavino. Unfortunately, the only
picture that exists of him is from when he walked
on his parents bumping uglies. But I Donald Trump loves
arts entertainment, and you can hear his genuine passion in
a phone call he had with the board.

Speaker 6 (01:19:11):
I think we're going to.

Speaker 32 (01:19:12):
Do something very special.

Speaker 40 (01:19:14):
It got very woking, and some people were not happy.

Speaker 6 (01:19:17):
With it, and some people are reputed to go.

Speaker 38 (01:19:19):
And we're not gonna have that.

Speaker 35 (01:19:20):
We're gonna have some that would be very very exciting,
and we'll.

Speaker 2 (01:19:24):
Do things both physically and then every other way to
make the building look even better.

Speaker 40 (01:19:29):
I think we're going to make it hot, and we
made the president of the hot.

Speaker 36 (01:19:33):
So they could be.

Speaker 3 (01:19:35):
Hot. Only Trump would look at a building and go,
let's get things off.

Speaker 10 (01:19:46):
With the war in Ukraine.

Speaker 28 (01:19:47):
Donald Trump promised he could secure a peace deal within
one day of taking office, which means he is now
negative thirty four.

Speaker 10 (01:19:54):
Days ahead of schedule. Good work, sir.

Speaker 28 (01:19:58):
As we know, the Ukraine War began in twenty twenty
two when Putin invaded Ukraine on three separate fronts while
launching missile attacks on Ukrainian cities, or as Donald Trump
puts it.

Speaker 3 (01:20:08):
President Trump has made a series of false assertions blaming
Ukraine for starting the war.

Speaker 1 (01:20:13):
You should have never started it. You could have made
a deal.

Speaker 28 (01:20:19):
That's an interesting interpretation, and that it's not what happened.

Speaker 10 (01:20:23):
In fact, it's the exact opposite of what happened.

Speaker 28 (01:20:25):
And this has set off alarm bells for a lot
of conservatives, including Brian Kilmead, Trump's buddy and the Joey
Tribuani of Fox and Friends. He tried to gently push
back when Trump started to blame the destruction of Ukraine
on President's Lensky.

Speaker 38 (01:20:41):
You have a man who's led a country that had
the most beautiful cities. They demolished, had the most beautiful domes.
Those domes are the most beautiful the Russians.

Speaker 17 (01:20:52):
That Russia's fault though architecture.

Speaker 38 (01:20:54):
Russia demolished a thousand year old domes and everything's demolished,
mister President, that's all this, that's Vladimir Putin's fault. I
get tired of listening to it. It makes it very
hard to make deals. But look what's happened to his country.
It's been demolished.

Speaker 1 (01:21:09):
But no, no, I hear you, the president.

Speaker 17 (01:21:12):
But you know who's a plating for that.

Speaker 44 (01:21:13):
That's what it is. Vladimir Putin that did the invasion
unwarranted to try to take back landy had no right to.
And those you think fundamentally that's that. And if you
could just get now now both sides want to talk,
it seems so we should just get to that point.

Speaker 38 (01:21:29):
They only want to talk because of me.

Speaker 10 (01:21:34):
But this is how off the rails Trump is.

Speaker 28 (01:21:37):
His beloved Fox News is saying, mister President, you sound crazy,
and I believe DEI causes tornadoes. And he's right, not
about the DEI causing tornadoes. We all know trans people
cause tornadoes, but about this war. Under Donald Trump, America
has fully taken Russia's side, which means are we the

(01:21:59):
bad now? Well, that didn't answer that, but I think
we might be the bad guys. It's not just Republicans
who are alarmed. The entire continent of Europe is freaking
the fa out. If the United States will help Russia
take over Ukraine, Who's next? Poland, Latvia, Slovenia, Slovakia, Albania, Estonia. Yeah,

(01:22:26):
I got a ninety seven and ap geography, Thank you,
thank you.

Speaker 10 (01:22:35):
I would have gotten a hundred, but I misspelled my name.

Speaker 28 (01:22:38):
So yesterday Europe tried to get Trump back on its
side by sending over its most charismatic Trump whisperer, Emmanuel
Macrone of France, and right from the start of that
meeting you could really see how he let his guard down.

Speaker 12 (01:23:00):
That is the most beautiful language.

Speaker 5 (01:23:03):
I have no idea what he said, but that is
the human, monsvelian, elegant, beautiful language.

Speaker 3 (01:23:11):
Yeah.

Speaker 28 (01:23:11):
Trump just loves a French accent, probably because it's the
native tongue of his hero pepe Le pew something about
that pervert skunk that Trump finds so relatable. But mccrone's
accent gives him a lot of leeweighted gently correct Trump
every time he spews bullshit.

Speaker 33 (01:23:30):
I mean this, walk offs to the office a lot
of money. And this is the responsibility of Russia because
the aggressor is Russia.

Speaker 5 (01:23:37):
Europe is loaning the money to Ukraine.

Speaker 42 (01:23:40):
They get their money back.

Speaker 33 (01:23:41):
No, in fact, be to be frank, we paid. We
paid sixty percent of the totally faults and it was who.

Speaker 26 (01:23:48):
Like the US loves guarantee grants and we provided all money.

Speaker 10 (01:24:02):
Look at it. Look at that smile. The guy is smitten.

Speaker 28 (01:24:06):
Usually if someone confronts him about being wrong, he takes
away their security detail. But he's letting Macron do whatever
he wants. I think a sexy accent is his kryptonite.
I assumed it was vegetables, but.

Speaker 10 (01:24:21):
To be fair, it's not just Macron.

Speaker 28 (01:24:22):
Trump was swooning over anyone with a sexy accent.

Speaker 39 (01:24:26):
I want to know, if you what is your idea about?
Even if you want to make the same thing.

Speaker 1 (01:24:32):
Can you talk a little louder?

Speaker 5 (01:24:34):
You have a beautiful voice, like the event.

Speaker 6 (01:24:36):
Did these days used to me, where are you from from?

Speaker 1 (01:24:39):
Italy?

Speaker 44 (01:24:40):
Oh?

Speaker 5 (01:24:40):
I loved Italy?

Speaker 28 (01:24:42):
Oh Italy, I love that restaurant with the grocery store
attwn oh now.

Speaker 6 (01:24:52):
Level so good?

Speaker 28 (01:24:55):
Now tell me which section are you from from? Aggio
produce self. By the way, Trump is the only person
on earth who has ever asked an Italian person to
talk louder. Of course, as we saw it last week,
not every accent does it for him.

Speaker 10 (01:25:13):
Sometimes it just confuses him with the president.

Speaker 14 (01:25:16):
People.

Speaker 21 (01:25:16):
Lydia would be welcoming your decision to extradite Hburga.

Speaker 5 (01:25:20):
I can't understand what he said.

Speaker 28 (01:25:25):
Dude, Come on, if you don't understand what someone is saying,
don't be rude and dismiss them. Just laugh and go,
oh my god, that's so crazy, like a normal person.
I mean, is Trump sure that he wants to be president?
Because this is the worst job in the world if
you don't understand accents. It's like working as an escort
if you're still not one hundred percent sure which hole

(01:25:46):
it's supposed to go in. Although would that actually make
you a great escort? I guess we'll never know. By
the way, if you're wondering how tough Indian accents are

(01:26:07):
for Trump, he had to get a translator for it,
not for the language, for the accent.

Speaker 25 (01:26:13):
It is evident that how the state of the United States.

Speaker 3 (01:26:17):
So what is yours?

Speaker 40 (01:26:21):
And what is the rule that the.

Speaker 28 (01:26:26):
I can't believe Doge is going around looking for inefficiencies. Meanwhile,
Trump has an English to English translator. But if you
do have to have a translator for accents, why does
the translator also have an accent?

Speaker 10 (01:26:48):
Maybe the plan was to.

Speaker 28 (01:26:49):
Have a string of translators with slightly less of an
accent until they finally got to something Trump could process. Eventually,
it'll just be the word Bangladesh written across the boobs
of a swimsuit model.

Speaker 10 (01:27:01):
Oh now I get it. Anyway, back to Macron.

Speaker 28 (01:27:05):
Now, you might think that it's not wise for Europe
to hinge its survival on the seductive power of Macron's accent,
but Trump himself admitted that it works.

Speaker 5 (01:27:14):
I just want to fall you a little, sir. So
we're at the Eiffel Tower having dinner with your wonderful
wife and with my wonderful wife. And we came out
and he started speaking the French steel and we didn't
have an interpreter, and he was going on and on
and on, and I was just nodding yes, yes, yes.
And he really sold me on because I got back
the next day that I read the papers, they said,

(01:27:36):
that's not what we said.

Speaker 6 (01:27:39):
He's a smart customer.

Speaker 36 (01:27:41):
I will tell you that.

Speaker 28 (01:27:46):
Hold on, hold on, forget the accent. What was going
on with that handshake?

Speaker 10 (01:27:52):
Are they doing the no you.

Speaker 28 (01:27:54):
Hang up but with their hands? Trump has been getting
some stuff done. For example, yesterday he signed an executive
order that forces hospitals to be transparent with their prices.
And look that seems like a good idea, and I
am perfectly capable of admitting it. When Donald Trump did
something good, When Donald Trump did something good, good, When

(01:28:24):
Donald Trump did something good.

Speaker 10 (01:28:26):
I can't say it. I can't say it. Why is
this so hard?

Speaker 1 (01:28:29):
Oh?

Speaker 10 (01:28:30):
Thank god? Those don't come along very often. Of course,
because it's Donald Trump.

Speaker 28 (01:28:35):
Most people will never hear about this price transparency thing,
because at the same meeting he seemed more interested in
doing stuff like this.

Speaker 6 (01:28:43):
Do you have one of those?

Speaker 1 (01:28:43):
Trump was right about everything?

Speaker 5 (01:28:45):
Hats to me this, Yeah, give me all of them. Look,
see that Trump was right about everything?

Speaker 1 (01:28:55):
Just came in.

Speaker 6 (01:28:56):
Somebody said that. I said, this was sent in by
a fan.

Speaker 1 (01:29:00):
I said, I think we should make.

Speaker 6 (01:29:01):
Some of them right.

Speaker 1 (01:29:02):
But we were pretty much you want want.

Speaker 28 (01:29:07):
Okay, First of all, that is way too much text.

Speaker 10 (01:29:10):
Guys.

Speaker 28 (01:29:10):
If your hat needs a bookmark, it's not a good hat.
And look, I hate to quibble with the hat. But
Trump wasn't right about everything.

Speaker 10 (01:29:18):
Okay.

Speaker 28 (01:29:19):
There were a couple of small things.

Speaker 12 (01:29:22):
I don't know.

Speaker 28 (01:29:23):
Haitian immigrants weren't eating cats and jogs. There wasn't fifty
million dollars worth of condom sent to Gaza, Belgium is
not a city.

Speaker 10 (01:29:32):
The twenty twenty election wasn't stolen. China doesn't.

Speaker 28 (01:29:39):
China doesn't operate the Panama Canal, nor does it. And
the best taco bulls are not made at the Trump
Tower grill. But yes, other than that, Trump was right

(01:30:02):
about everything. Now, I'm not trying to be a hater,
but if you're going to own a hat with a
ridiculous lie on it, at least make it a fun
ridiculous lie, which is why I'm selling these. Garfield did
nine to eleven get yours today before he finishes the job.

(01:30:30):
But obviously Trump didn't bring everybody into the Oval office
just to sell hats. He was there to sell something
much more fancy.

Speaker 5 (01:30:37):
We're going to be selling a gold card. You have
a green card. This is a gold card.

Speaker 1 (01:30:45):
We're going to be putting a.

Speaker 5 (01:30:46):
Price on that card of about five million dollars and
that's going to give you Green card privileges.

Speaker 28 (01:30:51):
Plus oh oh, green card privileges plus.

Speaker 10 (01:30:56):
See. I was still getting America with ads quick questions.
Good question.

Speaker 28 (01:31:06):
If I'm unhappy with America, can I cancel my subscription
after seven days?

Speaker 10 (01:31:16):
I am curious, what does this gold card do?

Speaker 5 (01:31:18):
It's going to be a rep to citizenship and wealthy
people will be coming into our country by buying this card.
They'll be wealthy, and they'll be successful, and they'll be
spending a lot of money.

Speaker 28 (01:31:31):
Did this guy just put a cover charge on America?
It's five million dollars to get in, but he'll waive
it if you bring in three hot girls with you.

Speaker 10 (01:31:41):
I mean, I guess it beats.

Speaker 28 (01:31:43):
The old way of becoming a citizen, which was to
marry Donald Trump.

Speaker 10 (01:31:46):
But still.

Speaker 28 (01:31:53):
I feel like immigrant stories are going to be a
lot less inspiring in the future. My grandfather came to
this country with nothing but five million dollars and the
clothes in his custom Louis Vauton five piece Trunk said,
although I have to admit I don't totally hate the
idea of buying your way into a country. Hey, Canada,

(01:32:17):
how you.

Speaker 10 (01:32:17):
Doing, girl. I'm just gonna come out and say it.
I want to be in you and listen, I don't
have five million dollars, but I do have.

Speaker 28 (01:32:28):
Four dollars and a cough drop and this orange hat.

Speaker 10 (01:32:42):
Let's talk about it now.

Speaker 28 (01:32:47):
You might be thinking, wait a second, if the US
is just going to put citizenship up for sale. Doesn't
that mean that any monster can buy one as long
as they're rich.

Speaker 10 (01:32:55):
Well, according to Trump, mm hmm.

Speaker 17 (01:32:58):
Russian oligar elegible forty gold karma.

Speaker 1 (01:33:01):
Yeah. Possibly.

Speaker 5 (01:33:02):
Hey, I know some Russian oligarch said, of very nice people,
it's possibly.

Speaker 10 (01:33:10):
Feeling. Trump watched Anora.

Speaker 28 (01:33:12):
In his takeaway from that movie was, we need to
do more to help out that rich Russian teenager.

Speaker 10 (01:33:18):
He's so good at sex.

Speaker 28 (01:33:21):
But if you're letting Russians come into the country, you
gotta be careful. Okay, I don't want to engage in stereotypes,
but if you let a Russian in, then there's gonna
be a smaller Russian inside of him, and then an
even smaller Russian inside of him, and on and on
and on.

Speaker 10 (01:33:36):
There's always another.

Speaker 16 (01:33:40):
Careful Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe
by searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.
Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central
on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on fair
Amount

Speaker 17 (01:33:55):
Plus Paramount Podcasts.