It’s Time We Talk

Chris Harrison is ready to talk on The Most Dramatic Podcast Ever. 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:07):
Hello everybody, and welcome to the most dramatic podcast ever.
I'm your host, Chris Harrison. I am really excited to
be here today, I say with a lot of trepidation
and nerves. Um, this is a very interesting endeavor. And

(00:29):
first I just want to say I am unbelievably excited
to have this partnership with my heart, to be doing
this entire podcast network that's going to be about relationships.
This show is going to be the tent pole of
that that I'm hosting, and as we move forward, this
show is going to transform and move into many different things. Um.

(00:51):
But if this is really going to be about relationships, UM,
the most important comp owner to that is communication. And
if I'm gonna ask you guys to believe in me
and to open your heart and bear your soul, then
I think I need to be willing to do the same.

(01:11):
And so I'm gonna go first. I'm gonna take that
first step. We have not talked in a long time,
and I think it's time we finally have that chat.
And I'm sorry it's taken so long. I guess I
could say I wish I had done this sooner, but
I'm not sure it would have mattered. Um, I I

(01:34):
have gotten the question of when are you going to
come back, what are you gonna do? And why am
I doing this podcast? The reason I'm doing this first,
there are other exciting professional things that are going to
happen this year that I'm excited to talk to you
guys about, and I'm excited for you to see. But

(01:55):
I felt like I owed you this, you deserve this,
and I needed this. I need to have this talk.
I have not spoken publicly since I left the Bachelor franchise.
I have not made one comment, which might be hard
to believe considering how much was said and written, talked

(02:17):
about podcasted if that's actually a word um about me,
But very little of it. Actually, none of it came
from me. It was everybody else talking. And one thing
I learned while I was going through this whole ordeal,
when there is so much noise, me talking was just

(02:40):
going to be more noise. It would have been like
trying to have a conversation in the middle of a
crowded stadium. It just wouldn't have mattered. You wouldn't have
heard it. And selfishly, I think I needed time. I
need time to figure out what I want to say
how I felt, you know, to go back to the

(03:03):
infamous interview, one point that I was trying to make
and did not make eloquently was people need time to think.
You need time to process. We must have grace and
patience for people to think and process, or else you're

(03:27):
just getting this kind of nonsensical, reactive emotion from people.
And so I wanted to step away. I wanted to
think and and learn and change and and go through
everything I went through personally before I had this talk um.
And I have let everybody else speak, and I have

(03:49):
sat back and listen to everybody speaking. Look, I am
sure there are a lot of people, well a few
people that are sitting in Hollywood right now, nervous as
all that I am doing a podcast. And I guess
I would say to those people, if you're nervous, maybe
you should be because you probably know that I know.

(04:15):
I guess the thing I would start with is the
reason I'm doing this is you. I've missed you, guys,
I've heard you. I appreciate when my beautiful fiance Lauren
Zim and I are traveling around the world and we're
in airports, bars, restaurants, whatever, and you guys come up

(04:38):
to us, and you have been so kind and so
loving that you miss us, you miss me, you missed
my voice. You, Um, I wish I would come back
or you want me back. And you know, people say, oh,
I don't watch the show anymore, I miss you, and
I hear it all and I very very much appreciate

(04:59):
it on the bottom of my heart, and um it
kind of makes me me laugh because people will inevitably
come up and apologize and they say, I'm so sorry,
but I just want to say I miss you, and
I'm like, please, don't apologize. Thank you for your words.
They truly has kept me going. And you guys are
as much of my my life blood is anything else.

(05:23):
I've really our relationship was important to me. I cultivated
and worked on that relationship with the viewers. You from
day one when I was hosting the Bachelorm Bachelotte and
I tried to earn your trust, I tried to earn
your love, and I tried to give you everything I
had honestly, and yeah, look, the show was entertainment and

(05:48):
there were times when you know, I would be vague
or try to kind of put you off so you
wouldn't know how the show went, but at the end
of the day, I tried to be really honest with
everybody on the show and you, and so you're the
reason I wanted to sit down and have this conversation.
And if I had a regret, it would be that

(06:10):
I didn't do this, that I didn't just come to
you in the first place. And I have to give
myself some grace because when I went through this ordeal
after the interview and and everything subsequently kind of melted down. Um,

(06:36):
there was there's there was no template for for this.
There was no playbook. The playbook had been thrown out
the window. And I'll talk a little bit more about
that and cancel culture in a minute, but they're the
toughest thing for me was where to turn, what to do,

(06:58):
And I probably should have led with this, but I
was heartbroken. I was gutted, I was embarrassed. I was
mad at myself. I was disappointed in myself. The last
thing in the world I ever wanted to do was
be an agent of anything negative, whether it had to

(07:23):
do with race or or anything. The fact that I
was involved in this, and that I had a big
part in this, and I do own that there were
many things out of my control, and things definitely spun
out of control for for a number of reasons, but
for my part in this. I was sick, sick to

(07:45):
my stomach, and I lost twenty pounds. I didn't sleep,
I didn't eat. I was scared to death of none
of my job, but of my family, UM, my fiancee,

(08:09):
who God bless Lorenzima for being there every step of
the way. She is the only other human being that
was there seven But you know, I worried about my kids.
I worried about my family, my mom, my dad, my brother,
all my loved ones, my friends. You know, I'm um
a bit of an impath, and I I'm very loyal

(08:31):
to a fault um, but I'm a team player. And
so when this happened immediately after the interview, and I
don't want this to come in the wrong way, but really,
while I was sick to my stomach, and I felt
so disappointed that that the interview went that way, and

(08:53):
it was on me because I controlled what I had
to say. And while some of the of things, while
the point I was trying to get across, I stand
by the way I did it. It was messy, It
was disappointing and it's just not me um. So out

(09:17):
of that interview, I really wasn't too worried about my
job or the show or anything else. And look, everybody
did agree. It was not good and it was a messy,
really bad conversation, and I wasn't my normal eloquent self.
I didn't express myself like I normally do. I think

(09:39):
that part we all agree on. But as far as
my standing in the community and the show, it really
didn't register on the Richter scale. There was much more
egregious things going on in the world and things that
had happened, and so people didn't really think it was
going to amount too much, and it would if I apologized,

(10:04):
we would be able to move forward. I had someone,
a very prominent person, to say to me, you know
the mistake you made, Chris, you apologized, and I understood
what that person was trying to say, but I said,
I I disagree with you. My apology was warranted because

(10:30):
I did misstep and I made a mistake, and I
am a firm believer. I've raised my kids like this.
I was raised like this. When you make a mistake,
you face who you wronged, and you apologize and you
make it right. And as soon as this happened, I

(10:50):
just wanted to wrap my arms around all of you,
everyone who's ever been on the show and just say
I'm sorry, Like my god, if I hurt you, I
am so sorry. There is nothing in me, there is
nothing in my soul that would ever want to harm anybody,
make you feel less than, not seen, belittled in any way, marginalized.

(11:15):
That's just not me. I love. I always lead with love.
What you've seen on the show for nineteen years, I
think you guys know that. And it was really interesting
because I also have been raised and I've you know,
beat this into my kids. You live a certain way,
you treat people a certain way, and you build this foundation.

(11:37):
So when things do go awry and you have a
sloppy conversation like I did, and you make a mistake,
that foundation is what people know you for. And it
was really interesting because that wasn't the case here the
the world. It was stranger things. The world was upside down,

(12:00):
and I attribute that to a lot of things. I
think the timing of this is very relevant of where
we were in the world. Um, we were all coming
out of two years of being locked up, and I
think we're all angry and frustrated and um and then

(12:21):
culturally what was going on in the world with civil rights,
and there was a lot of confusion, anger, resentment. It
was there was a lot. It was a very combustible
moment in time, and my timing of being sloppy and

(12:44):
appropriate wrong in that moment was that's on me to
have not seen that. You know, I was just as
frustrated and blind and piste off as everybody else in
the world coming out of what we'd come out of.
But that's not to say that was okay. But the
timing of this I think was very relevant. And so

(13:08):
when I apologized, I felt like I needed that and
it was owed and I was fine with it. I'm
telling you, I had no problem putting out that first apology,
which I was a written apology I put out on
on Instagram, and but there was just so much noise

(13:29):
at the time. It just didn't matter. Apologies didn't matter.
And I've never seen a time like that, and in
my life, I've never known that not to work to
be you know, if you if you sincerely apologize and
open your heart, and it was just like yelling in

(13:54):
a you know, in a cave. It just didn't matter. No,
it just wasn't It didn't move anything, and it didn't
move us away from what had just happened. And so
even after that apology, we were still at ground zero,
and it was confusing and it was scary. I'm sitting

(14:18):
here now and it's like my heart is racing and
I don't I don't get nervous about things. I don't
get nervous to speak, but I have a lot of trepidation.
And I don't even know if this is the you know,
doing this podcast is the right thing to do. It
may not be. Um, we'll see how all of you
take it. I thought long and hard about doing this podcast.

(14:41):
People had talked to me about doing this, even my heart,
for quite some time, and I said, no, no, no,
I don't want. First of all, I'll be honest, there's
a load of podcasts out there, and between you and I,
too many, and so I might do I want to
be one of those? Do? I just want to be
another voice out there? But then I came to well

(15:05):
talking with a very dear friend of mine who's sitting
in this room right now, and she was right, is
that it's it's time to talk, and this is the
best way to do it. And I get back to
that regret of this is what I should have done
from day one. I should have just come to you, unedited, unfiltered,

(15:29):
and just talked and told you how sorry I am,
how heartbroken I am. I worked really hard on that
show for nineteen years. Did I have say in in

(15:49):
the decisions that were made around there? I did not.
I never, once in the nineteen years I was there,
hired or fired anybody. I never edited the show, meaning
I didn't decide what your storyline was. I didn't decide
who was on camera, what you were saying, none of that.
I didn't cast the show. But I can't absolve myself

(16:12):
because you can't show up every day and make a
big paycheck and just say I'm not a part of that.
That's not fair. You either are you aren't now, I
would like to think I was a part of a
group of very talented, incredible people that I still care for,

(16:35):
that try to be an agent of change. And we did.
We tried. We were working very hard too shift and
change and be better. I would like to think i'm
I was a part of that, and one of my
great disappointments and myself out of all this, is that

(16:57):
because of what I was a part of in that interview,
I rolled a grenade under all that and I made
things worse. And for me, who cares so deeply and
passionately about the show, about the people on it, about
the people I've been with, about you, the people that

(17:19):
watch it, I felt like I let you down because
I shined a big bright light on more than what
needed to be I should that was. That was on me,
and to have brought that on my house is uh.
It was shameful and it just crushed me to the

(17:41):
bottom of my soul. I was just sick to my
stomach and I wanted to scream from the rooftop. I
wanted to just scream to you, please forgive me. I
am so sorry, my god, I would never ever ever
want to hurt you in this way. I don't leaven
the things that are being said about me. That's not

(18:04):
in me at all. Let me fix this, Let me
have a conversation. And you guys know me clearly. I'm
sitting here. I'm good to talk. I love people, and
I still have this policy of like, if you want
to come have a debate with me. If you want
to talk, bring an open heart and an open mind
and open ears, and man, I will discuss anything with you.

(18:25):
And I just I wanted that so badly, but it
wasn't that I wasn't allowed, but I wasn't counseled to
do that. I don't know if any of you watch
the Harry and Megan thing, you know last year, the documentary,
and it was funny because some of that I very much.

(18:46):
Lauren and I um watched that together and we were
talking about it, as we often do when we watch things,
we discuss it at length, being the journalist we are,
and we really empathized with some of the things as
they were saying. And one of it was when things
go sideways, don't speak, because that is what everybody wants.

(19:10):
And when I say everybody, the tabloids, the clickbait. Oddly, sadly,
it's a weird thing when I when I counsel bachelors
and bacherettes when they're going through things, and they often
call me on the side and say, how what should
I do? I said, honestly, shut up, don't speak, And
it is so contrary to everything that you are brought

(19:30):
up to believe, especially me, I'm I'm a Southern guy, proud,
I'm I'm taught to stand up, look you in the eye,
and speak and and own it. Well, kind of back
to the Harry Megan thing. You know what the royal family,
of the royal press folks were like, don't speak, don't

(19:50):
give them anything, because they will take anything you do
say and it will be held against you in the
court of public opinion. It will be the next clickbait headline.
Even if you say a you know, oh, I so
going back to uh when I was going through my divorce,
which was very public back in the day, and I
remember I um the tabloids. I went to Dancing with

(20:14):
the Stars and it was Emily Maynard season. I used
to go there with the Bachelor Bachelorette and I just
got a divorced. I was sitting there with Emily and
and a week later I got a call from a
producer at dancing and they said, oh, we got a
call from several tabloids that said Chris Harrison was there,
because now you know, I just got divorced and single,
and they're like, you know, was he with anybody? Did

(20:34):
he do anything and this this person was smart enough,
because what if this person had said, no, Chris is great,
you know I I he he went up and and
gave Julian Huff a hug and said hello, and it's
like boom, that's the headline. Chris Harrison hugs Julian Huff
for whatever, you know, and like there, there you go.
There's your clickbait. So the toughest thing in the world

(20:56):
is that you want to scream, you want to yell,
you want to fight, but you learn not to. You
learn just to sit there and take it. And that sucks.
And in this situation, it really sucked because people are
talking about you and you're being used. And that was

(21:19):
the craziest thing about this is that once this happened,
it's I guess the best analogy is if you were
in a tsunami, or or if you're a surfer, if
you've ever been surfing, you're in it's a huge wave
and this massive wave, you don't make it over the top,

(21:41):
and so you get thrown down to the bottom of
the ocean and you're in it's like you're in a
washing machine. You're getting thrown around, but it's over right,
and about five d eight seconds. If you hold your
breath and you keep your head about you, you float
to the top and it's over and you when you
come up, it's actually really serene, it's really placid, it's calm.

(22:03):
But that wave is rolling on and it's destroying more
and it's loud. And that's how I felt, because when
I got hit by this wave and I was being
thrown around, the decision was made, Okay, apologize, which I did,

(22:24):
and then don't speak, and that's what I was counseled,
and I tentatively agreed, Okay, this this two shall pass.
We've been through things somewhat like this before, but this
two shill pass not a big deal. But that noise
in this moment in time didn't stop. And that's where

(22:49):
the playbook was thrown out the window. And that's what
none of us were prepared for. And that's what I
wasn't prepared for, because all of a sudden, this moment
and my name became synonymous with this political lightning in

(23:12):
a bottom moment, and all of a sudden, someone on
CNN is talking about me for purposes of the left,
and then Ben Shapiro and whoever on Fox is talking
about me about you know, conservative or whatever, and this
is what's wrong in the world. And so I was

(23:33):
being used by the right, and so the left wing,
the right wing, the middle wing, everybody was talking about
me in this moment, and I wasn't speaking. Some people
were cursing me, some people were yelling, people were angry.
And I hadn't said anything other than the interview. I

(23:54):
had not spoken, and I I thought this will go away,
this will pass us. And every day I woke up
and there was something new. Lauren and I had a

(24:16):
very difficult time getting through this together. It was brutal
because this happened to her as much as it happened
to me. And I'll bring Lauren on and we'll sit
down and talk because her perspective. I'm actually interested to
know too, Because now that we've had time, we really

(24:38):
don't talk about this this deeply anymore because it consumes
so much of our lives. It impacted us so much.
In the end, it brought us together more and made
me love her more. She is unbelievably brilliant, wise, loving, caring.
It made me see a side of her that I

(24:58):
knew I loved even more. But it was a gut
punch to her as much as it was to me.
And that was the thing for me, is it made
me sick to my stomach that I was hurting the
woman I love. She had you know, she was an
entertainment tonight at the time, and people were wanting her

(25:20):
to answer to it. And you know, again, it was
difficult because anything she did would be held against her
too good or bad. If she didn't speak. Your silence
is deafening. If you speak, you're screwed. So you're you're
damned if you do, You're damned if you don't. But
the playbook was really thrown out the window at that moment,
and it was being used by everybody politically, talk shows, podcasts,

(25:50):
cast members. Um, you know, look in this business heavy
as the head who wears the round. I've been on
the top of this thing for nineteen years. I know
people coveted my job. I know people wanted my job.
They'd be crazy not too is a great gig, or

(26:11):
so it appeared from the outside looking in. But it
was a lesson I learned, honestly. Season three four, I
was sitting at a party and um, I won't out
the bachelorette, but one of the Bachelretts walked in and
I was sitting there on the couch and she sat

(26:31):
next to me, and she was talking to one of
the director at the time and said, you know, I should,
I should come back and host the next Batchelorette. And
I was sitting there and I said, you know, I'm
right here. She said, no, no no, no, no, I would
just you know, I would just host the back serette. Yeah. No,
that's that's that's my job. That's what I do too.

(26:52):
I do both those shows, and that's how I pay
my mortgage. That's that's my job. And it was funny
because she didn't even see it as a job, or
the fact that she was asking for my job and
asking me to be unemployed in front of me. And
every year I laughingly would always say, I am creating

(27:12):
to thirty people who want to host my show, it's
a really and it's unlike any other show. You know,
they you don't run into this on Survivor and and
and Dancing with the Stars and American Idol or Amazing Race.
You know, maybe they want to be influencers, maybe they
want to be but our show is very particular in
that way about creating influencers and creating people who go

(27:34):
on to want to do TV, and I mean so
many of them end up moving to l A and
have those aspirations, which is great. So I have nothing
against that, um. But it's funny. I always just knew
from day one I am every year it gets worse
and worse for me because I'm creating more and more
influencers and more and more people who just want my job.
And so there was that element to the people that

(27:58):
used the situation for their benefit, for their podcast, for
their book tour, for a media tour. It helped them
with their fifteen minutes of fame. The people that did that,
I'm not mad at and I'm definitely not shocked by
their behavior. It's the people you would expect, um. You know,

(28:19):
I always say hope for the best from people. I
just don't expect it because by nature we're selfish. And
I don't mean that in a completely negative connotation, but
people are selfish. You're looking out for yourself. And honestly,

(28:39):
if I had been in the same situation what I
have had my agent call, I knew about it. I
knew about certain cast members that were calling in. It
was hilarious. And this funny thing is the people that
were calling in I knew had no chance to get
the job. Um, but people were. You know, there was
blood in the water, and in Hollywood, it's a tough,

(29:01):
tough gig. It's tough business. So I don't I don't
begrudge those people for doing that. But I wanted to
speak but it didn't take. And every night we'd go
to bed thinking things had finally calmed down and we
were okay, and we'd wake up the next morning two
new headlines, a new podcast, a new cast member had

(29:26):
said something, and it started all over again, and you
go to bed exhausted. I spent many days just calling
cast members. I talked to cast members, producers, executives, agents,

(29:47):
et cetera. Um. You know, I called a lot of
cast members to make sure they were okay, to hear them,
just to listen and talk. Um. But you'd get to
the end of the day just exhausted and spent. But
I feel like, Okay, this is finally behind us. Next day,

(30:08):
all over again, someone's doing a media tour, someone's on
a podcast, someone, And again I don't begrudge him, this
is great. Oh my god, this is good podcast fodder.
I'm actually doing one right now. UM, so kind of
a hypocrite if I said I didn't appreciate what he
were doing. UM, it's the business and it's what I

(30:30):
signed up for. But I I couldn't figure out how
to fix it, and nothing made sense because what I
know to do just wasn't working. And I talked to UM,
a crisis manager. By the way, I hope I pray

(30:52):
none of you ever go through anything like this. Don't
use a crisis manager. I'm not saying they're foolish, but
they're not great UM, and to their credit, nothing prepared
any of them for this. And I was also astonished

(31:12):
at how many people had their hand out. I wanted
to get paid for this, taking advantage of this situation.
It's a bizarre thing. I'm telling you. I will not
only this podcast, I should teach a master class and
speak to universities about this, because it is. If it
wasn't happening to me, it's an amazing study in human

(31:34):
behavior because while this was happening to me, I was
really observing, and I am clearly after nineteen years, I
am all about listening and observing and taking things in
and learning from it and figuring out why and watching
the way people acted was amazing. I am sure when

(31:55):
you are at war you will see a side of
people that is real. This is them, because when the
hits the fan at that level, you will find out
what's really inside somebody. And I felt the same way,

(32:16):
and that when the bullets start flying, you find out
who really is going to be in that foxhole with you,
that will take the bullets and stand next to you.
And your circle gets small, which is a good thing.

(32:38):
As you get older, your circle gets smaller anyway, because
you realize time is precious and you realize that there's
only really a number of people you truly care and
love to spend time with. But you you figure out
who's going to stand by you and stand up. But

(32:58):
the craziest part of the US is people started calling
me right away and said, hey, man, what can I do?
You've always been there for us, You've been there for me,
You've counseled this, You've you know, helped us. It's our turn.
Now what can we do? Just say the word? And
my advice to them was don't say anything. And I

(33:21):
wanted them to deep down, if we're being honest, I
wanted them to. I wanted people to defend me because
I was just getting graped over the coals, crushed. But
I told everyone just please don't speak, because there was
this insatiable appetite. There was this momentum, this thing going on.

(33:50):
It didn't matter who it was, what you said, you
were going to be devoured. And they were hungry and
they wanted more. And anybody who stuck their head up
above water was going to be devoured by this wave.

(34:13):
And I didn't want that for anybody else. I'm actually
okay like it. Yes, it sucked, and it was just
one gut punch after the other, and mentally and physically
I deteriorated pretty bad. But I'm okay as long as
I know I'm hurting. If I see anyone else in
my camp, that's what gets me. If I see my

(34:34):
family that that's my weeks, that's my weakness. And I
just I couldn't let anybody else go down. Now, some
people still spoke out. Some people just said screw it,
I don't give a I'm speaking out on your behalf.
And they got attacked and they got and and I
and I also told people again, there's so much noise

(34:55):
right now, no one's going to hear it because the people,
the people who were had that insatiable appetite too kind
of destroy and cancel. They weren't hearing it anyway. They
weren't going to hear anything where that was going to

(35:16):
stop them in their tracks and go, oh okay, I see.
And the people that on the other side didn't need
to be convinced anyway. So there was no good that
was going to come from speaking. And so I told
people not to speak. In the hardest moment, well too

(35:39):
hard moments. And I'm not going to speak for her.
We'll talk later about it with Lauren's ema. But everything
with Lauren was hard because she is the love of
my life, and so trying to navigate this is one thing.
Trying to navigate it for her and with her was excruciating.

(36:04):
The next hardest thing was my family, my mom, my dad,
my brother. I have an older brother, UM, not in
the business at all. No one in my family's in
the business. UM I'm the only odd ball that came
out to California to do this. UM. My brother is
my idol. I have always looked up to him. I

(36:26):
wanted to be him. He is brilliant. He's an incredible writer,
He's a poet. UM much more talented than I am.
I ever was UM, and I love him unquestionably as
he does me. We've had he had each other's backs
our entire lives. We've been in fights. We used to
beat the ship out of each other. But we've been

(36:48):
in fights. We've We've done it all. Um, he is.
We were brought up very simple. You do what's right,
You treat people right, you stand up for what's right always.
Life is simple because you just do what's right all

(37:10):
the time. And that's how we were raised. If you're
just honest and open, and it is unquestionable if anybody
comes after your family, that's the line we draw. And
so he wrote this amazingly eloquent, beautiful letter, kind of

(37:37):
an open letter to the world, and he, uh defended me,
defended me. So I'm getting all choked up, and uh
he wrote this beautiful letter, spoke from his heart and
defended his little brother. And what killed me. As I

(38:02):
called him and told him to take it down, I
could tell he was disappointed in me, not because of
the interview or whatever, because he knew, you know, a
lot of what was going on was crazy and a
lot of it was you know, bullshit. But and he know,
he knew that I had owned up to it and
I apologized and whatever. Um, but he was just I

(38:24):
could tell he just had this disappointment of like, why
aren't you fighting? We were raised to fight for what's right.
We were always taught to stand up no matter what
and do what's right. And I told him, Man, this
just isn't the time. I say, I don't think you

(38:47):
understand what's happening right now, but this just isn't that time.
And I can't have you. And he has two kids
and a wife. I can't have you involved in this.
I can can't have I can't take another casualty in
the family right now. I can't have paparazzi coming to
your house. I can't have them following you around because

(39:09):
that was my life. We had paparazzi outside our house.
Lord and I were already in living together, and um,
the kids would you know we're coming and going because
we had shared custody, and um, there were people parked
outside of my house for weeks, following me everywhere I went. UM,

(39:34):
and I'd have to sneak down the back hill of
my house. Luckily, I'm always close to my neighbors, and
so I would sneak down the hill of my house
through my neighbor's backyard, and my buddy would pick me up.
He'd back his car into my other friend's garage and
I jump in and we go just get away. Um.
And if I drove anywhere for weeks, I would cut

(39:59):
through alley ease and back roads and people you know,
and you know people were following me, so I try
to lose him. Um. The funny thing is the first
time I got caught, I was coming out of a
dunkin Donuts and there's like a picture of me with donuts.
I don't really every donuts. I was like, man, really,
Like now I've been afflack. Um. But that conversation with

(40:21):
my brother, that's where that might have been my low point,
because I knew this thing had beating me a little bit.
I wasn't being myself. It wasn't me. And my brother
took it down and I realized in that moment he

(40:52):
was right. Because I hung up the phone. I just
sat there and I thought, and I'm like, this is
not what Harrison's do. This is not how we act.
And I had followed this playbook and I was trying
to be loyal to the show and people. You know,

(41:14):
people have said, look, screw the show. You know, it's
nothing without you. You know, are you pissed? And I'm
not mad. I'm not mad at the show. The show
changed my life. I am grateful to the Batchel and Bachelorette.
I will for ever be grateful because it brought me you.

(41:35):
It changed my life, It changed my kids lives. So
there is no animosity. Now. Was it a job where
the parts of it that sucks. It's a job, you know,
tell me a job where you love your your boss
and you love everyone you work for. It's very rare
and God bless you. If you do you found that,
that's great, you know, it's Shankara law. But the majority

(41:56):
of people I love and adored. Look, the show is
a massive success. It was. It's a it's a historic show.
It changed television in many ways, one of the most
relevant television shows and history. And to be a part
of that, to have helped create that over nineteen years,
I take great pride in that. Um when people ask

(42:21):
what I think of it now, I don't watch UM.
The last thing I think I watched was UM, the
last show with Matt James, I think Hometowns. When I left,
it was the number still the number one show on TV. Now. Look,
do I keep an eye on the ratings? Do I
know what's happening now? I'm not going to say I'm

(42:44):
not so humble and whatever to say I haven't paid
attention to the scoreboard. Yes, I do know. You know
the I realized the ratings are down fift and the
show has changed dramatically. But I also that hurts me
a little bit because it's something I took pride in building.

(43:07):
And there's still some wonderful people that I talked to
on the show, cast members, crew. I love my crew
ferociously and defended them ferociously. They're the most talented men
and women in the world worked on that show. UM, directors, producers,

(43:28):
art department, lighting, you name it, camera audio. There was
hundreds and hundreds of people. I was the face and
the voice of the show. And that's a weird thing
when you know this reality shows a little different because
I was always the face and the voice. I was
the constant for nineteen years, and so I always took

(43:50):
pride in that I was speaking and acting on their
behalf because they wouldn't ever be seen or heard um
And I took a lot of pride in that. And
so no, I'm not angry. And at the end of
the day, I always tell people I'm fine, right up
until the time I'm not. And I wish I could

(44:14):
be more specific about that time. But there was one
night in particular, and I went home and I drew
the line in the sand, and that was it, And
that was my breaking point, and it was time to

(44:36):
take my life back, and it was time to step
away and get my life back. And that has been
a blessing. While I while I'm not happy as I
wrapped this first episode up, I'll say this, I'm not

(44:57):
proud of how it went down. I'm not happy be
about how it went down. But I'm a faithful person.
I believe in God. I pray to God. God gives
us these blessings. These prayers in our life get answered,

(45:19):
but they don't always come in a cute little box
wrapped under the tree. Sometimes they come in brutal, humbling,
life altering, shocking moments. And that's what this was. It

(45:40):
was being slapped upside the head strip, naked in front
of all of you, humbled, taken to my knees. But
it allowed me to have a better life with my kids,
to fall in love, to be engaged to the woman

(46:01):
I love, to have a much better life than what
I was living. So as I bring this first episode
to a close again, I just want to say thank you.
Thank you for listening, thank you for being here, being
beside me, supporting me, loving me. Just know that I

(46:22):
have missed you just as much and I have always
appreciated our relationship and I've never taken that for granted.
And I hope this is the start of moving forward

(46:42):
and learning together, loving together, getting back to the fun
that we had, and diving into relationships of all kinds.
But thanks for being here for this first episode. I
will see you next time because we still have a
lot more to talk about.