#466 Nikki Glaser To Host The 82nd Annual Golden Globe Awards on CBS!

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
The Nicky Glizer Podcast.

Speaker 2 (00:07):
Glaser pos.

Speaker 3 (00:10):
Here's Nikki.

Speaker 1 (00:11):
Hello here, I am welcome to the show.

Speaker 3 (00:12):
It's Nicki Glazer Podcast. This is our second one of
the week. Yeah it is. We might have something special.
Did anything that was my favorite thing that I did
on f Boy Island that I don't even know if
it aired, and I've talked about it here before, I think,
but it was like tonight you will face elimination and

(00:37):
we want to know who is going to this that
like I would just turn it. I would like morph
into that voice of like ahay all and people will
be like, what is she even saying? It was so
fun And I love doing that voice because it gets
you out of actually having to write a joke because
you just say jibberish and the jokes.

Speaker 2 (00:57):
It's a satire of the art for.

Speaker 3 (01:01):
Sad.

Speaker 2 (01:03):
What it's saying is nothing that I say.

Speaker 3 (01:06):
It matters, yes, And I mean sometimes with comedy though,
like you can just make a funny noise or funny
face and the joke doesn't have to be funny literally
at all. But if you say it like and I
under like, people are like, oh my god. Like sometimes
I'll do that with a joke. To just give it
some crutches to get across the street before it is

(01:28):
ready to run on its own, because it's not funny yet.

Speaker 2 (01:32):
That works for a time, and then if you don't
back it up with actual material, you wind up getting backlash.

Speaker 1 (01:37):
Or you can only do it once too.

Speaker 3 (01:39):
You can't get that voice multiple times, and then people
catch on and then they start making fun of you.

Speaker 2 (01:43):
Imagine your whole set was like that.

Speaker 1 (01:45):
What were you gonna say about that voice?

Speaker 3 (01:47):
Sorry?

Speaker 2 (01:47):
Well, like I just remember that Dane Cook got flack
for that in two thousand and four or whatever because
he would just it wasn't really voices, he would say
just words.

Speaker 1 (01:56):
Strange just came up with a yeah.

Speaker 3 (02:00):
They they decided that, oh, here is Dane Cook's trick.

Speaker 1 (02:04):
Now we're going to reveal it.

Speaker 3 (02:06):
And so you're not gonna be amazed by David Copperfield anymore.
Like here's how this guy is making you laugh. And
guess what. Everyone has a fucking trick for every joke.
And it was hilarious the way he said things. And yeah,
sometimes you the tool gets old and people grow accustomed
to it and you got to get a new one.

Speaker 1 (02:23):
But that when it was working, that was a Dane
Cook's way.

Speaker 3 (02:26):
Of like, what's an example of it, Brian, I'm I'll
definitely butcher it.

Speaker 2 (02:31):
I can't think of a specific one. But he has
this kool Aid joke where the guy where the kool
Aid Man bursts through.

Speaker 3 (02:36):
That's hilarious because of that's because he's just saying the
cooyman comes in and like destroys a person's house.

Speaker 2 (02:43):
Yeah, and then he leaves an explain to my mom
that there's a hole. They're gonna believe that a giant
fruit punch man burst through the wall.

Speaker 3 (02:54):
And the Family Guy did a thing like where they
did the cartoon of it where the he bursts in.
I just have a memory of him like kind of
easing back out of the whole. Sorry, I kind of
freaked out. I'm embarrassed.

Speaker 2 (03:05):
That's the thing about Family Guy and uh curse Seth
MacFarlane for doing this. But Family Guy has done every
joke that The Simpsons hasn't.

Speaker 3 (03:15):
Done so and done everything.

Speaker 2 (03:18):
Yeah, if you combine those two shows, there's no jokes left.

Speaker 3 (03:22):
Great, you know what, Great, I don't care you know
what if we if you find it's like I was
reading an article because I'm trying to be smarter about
Like last night, I just really wanted to read about
you know, j Loo and Bann or whatever, but instead
I was like, there was something that piqued my interest
about a paleontologist, like how paleontologists are guys that dig
up dinosaur bones and women are generally like kind of sociopaths.

Speaker 4 (03:45):
Wait a minute, like they dig up women or dinosaur bones.

Speaker 3 (03:48):
Women's dinosaur women dinosaur bones only.

Speaker 2 (03:52):
Yes they can.

Speaker 3 (03:53):
They have smaller brains, yes, high heels and they have
bunions from high heels. Yeah, So they're notoriously like kind
of crazy people and they're really good. Yeah. Well, I
mean I know it's but it doesn't sound like to me.
I would just be like, oh, that's a really measured
scientist who's very meticulous and takes a lot of time

(04:13):
with their work. I'm also reading about rock climbers. I'm
reading this book that a bestie recommended called The Color
of Everything, and it's about a guy who is a
photojournalist that covered the world of climbing. I forget his name.
I'm such a piece of shit. No, will you look
it up? This guy. It's called The Color of Everything.
It's a really popular book and I'm loving it. So
to the bestie who wrote to Anya about Corey Richards book,

(04:38):
Corey Richards, Yeah, he's like this hot dude that was
like a rock climber and then also was in like
rehab when he was like a runaway kid and he
had all He writes, he's a frost name life, but
he's they are nuts, but so are paleontologists. So I
got halfway through this New Yorker article, which I really recommend.

Speaker 1 (04:54):
It's from like it's from a long time ago.

Speaker 3 (04:55):
But I was on a subreddit about this paleontologist feud
that's happening. There's a New York Maga article about this
guy and another girl, uh, who are excavating this site
that might be a snapshot of when the asteroid hit
the Earth and destroyed all the dinosaurs, like whenever you
know it hit in the Yucatan Peninsula, but it's up

(05:17):
in Montana, I think, I believe. And he found this
site and he was like an amateur paleontologist, like he
worked for the University of Kansas as like an he
was like in grad school there and he didn't have
he wasn't even like he was just on this dig
he found this this property that this guy had, and
he sees all these fish are like in this one

(05:38):
sediment of layer, the sediment of the earth, you know,
like a thin layer that was around where that thing
would have hit. And he goes in and he looks
at these crystals that are but like the fish just
look like they're in regular gravel or silt or whatever
is deposited there. Generally during that time that all the
paleontologists are like, yawn, we're used to this. But then
he looks at under the microscope and he's like, these

(05:58):
are crystals that are the result of an asteroid falling
and then shooting like a volcanic spewing lava into the air,
and then it's falling back to Earth, it crystallizes and
it shed this crystal all over the place. But this
article that was linked in the subreddit, So anyway, the
New York Magazine article came out yesterday. I was reading

(06:19):
the comments of that on the Instagram. People were talking
about the article itself, and someone said, actually, the best
article about this same guy who's in this feud with
this woman over this land. It's an interesting I haven't
read the magazine one. But in the comments, this woman said.
This guy was also featured in a New Yorker magazine
article called The Year the World Died. And so I

(06:40):
go to my New Yorker app, but I'm like, I
want to read that, Like that just sounds interesting. The
Year the World Died all about this when the asteroid hit,
which they only found in nineteen ninety one. They found
the spot where the asteroid that destroyed dinosaurs on Earth
and brought about the ice age. They found it in
the Yucatan Peninsula only in nineteen ninety one.

Speaker 1 (06:59):
So, and if you're Christian, disregard all of this.

Speaker 3 (07:02):
Just go ahead, because these are so God planted all
these mysteries for us to solve and to question, to
test our faith. So in nineteen onety one they discover
this asteroid that tested our faith in Jesus. But anyway,
so this guy, you you read this New york Er
it's it says that it gives you the option for
it to be read to you. I don't know if

(07:23):
you guys have those on your Oh I never do that,
but I always know how long it's going to take me. Now,
because it said sixty three minutes, I go to read
a wow, I go, how long is it? So I
scroll and I go, I think I can probably do
this in about thirty five. Like I'm a pretty fast reader,
I have to say, But I really am. And I
am a fast reader because I've like showed Chris things

(07:45):
and we both looked at the same paragraph and he
is very well read, like extremely smart, and he's a
more measured person. But I get through it and I
got to say half the time. And it's not because
he's like, it's not that hard to read fast. It's
hard to absorb what yours. It's not bad. I actually
got a app on my phone called Elevate that I
did a seven day free trial for and it was

(08:07):
I was having a lot of fun with it, and
I was like, oh my god, I'm learning new vocabulary.
It was marketed to me as learning new vocabulary. Are
you sick of sounding stupid? Like It's one of my
biggest pet peeves about myself is I can't find interesting
words when I want to go yeah. And I listened
to Sam Harris or even Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
like on their podcast they are constantly using really just

(08:28):
grate vocabulary that isn't like pretentious, but it definitely elevates
the conversation and makes what they're saying more interesting because
I they're just putting you know. That's that's what's good
about using different words is it will give more meaning
to the word you're trying to say it like Pepper's
it with seasons, it with other feelings that you have.
So sad, you could say another word that I can't

(08:51):
think of, Like, so this was the app.

Speaker 1 (08:52):
It was just like sad.

Speaker 3 (08:53):
And then it was like type tip type of syn
in them and you have to You're like Maria can think,
oh my god, they would have loved morose. They would
have given and you like a triple score for that
because they would have all the synonyms listed and they go,
oh easy one and they give you one star, you know,
a two star whatever kind of stamp. But then it
started give me repeat ones within two games, like the
same words, and I'm like, I can cheat now, like

(09:14):
I know you want the same ras or insidious or whatever.

Speaker 2 (09:17):
They don't have enough of a database, yeah.

Speaker 1 (09:20):
And they need more of one.

Speaker 3 (09:21):
So I canceled it because I was gonna I was
gonna let it fly and spend forty dollars a year
for this because I was like, this is going to
be my brain training thing because I felt it working.
It felt like the kind of improv game you were
talking about, Brian that like gets your mind, just like
Bag of Fun. It was like Bag of Fun, but
for specific words that you need to express.

Speaker 2 (09:38):
Oh my god, I kind of want to try this
because that's my my Yeah. I mean, it's the bane
of my existence is not being able to recall words,
and it strikes me with fear every time I can
do it, because I think my brain is starting to decay.

Speaker 3 (09:50):
Wait, you think it's getting worse. Decay is a really
good word, by the way, Do you think it's getting
worse or do you have you always felt this way?
Because I will say that I think mine is also
getting worse. But I also think that because I'm consuming
people that I really admire who I know are within
my same intelligence. Not Sam Harris and possibly not Matt
Rogers and Bowen Yang. They're so intelligent, but I feel

(10:12):
like they are at least like I can reach what
I want to do what they are doing, and I
know I could reach it. I just know, and I
aspire to that. So I'm kind of like down on
myself a lot about it. Is it something you found
that you have always wanted to do or is it
slipping away now?

Speaker 2 (10:26):
Well? No, it's I feel like it's it's related to stress.
Like the more stressed I am, the worse my recall is.

Speaker 3 (10:32):
Oh yeah, I mean the more stress you are, the
more everything sucks.

Speaker 2 (10:36):
No, everything sucks? Yeah?

Speaker 3 (10:37):
Does anything get better from stress? Um, your cortisol level
is like fu, yeah, we're killing Well, if you want
to die soon.

Speaker 1 (10:45):
Sure, yeah, okay, suicide if.

Speaker 2 (10:48):
You want, If you need to get something done really
quickly by a deadline, stress can be helpful. A small
amount of stress is helpful. It's just wanting to evade
an accumulates over time and becomes chronic. Then it becomes
a huge detriment to every part of your life.

Speaker 3 (11:02):
Dude, I was thinking about it, and I know this
is so simple and been said a million times, but like,
and maybe I said it on the podcast before because
I've told a couple of people this, but just having
the realization of, like, why when things are totally smooth
do I freak out? It's because we were never supposed
to just be calm.

Speaker 1 (11:23):
When we were like animals.

Speaker 3 (11:26):
There was there's not a single You're not ever supposed
to really feel safe unless you're like, you know, hibernating
or especially us. We was always if there was ever
like a time where you felt like I have everything
I want, there was never that time because there was
always food to be searched for. There was always hunger
just around the corner. There was always something you should
be doing. Honestly, it felt like working at a Latin

(11:47):
cafe in college. He would always like, you should never
have a break. You could always be doing something, and
I'm like, that's that was that And I was like,
but I don't want to wash the menus or what
you know what I mean, but there's always stuff to
be doing when you're an animal, and when we have
like time to like just relax, like that isn't built
into our DNA yet, I mean, but.

Speaker 2 (12:06):
It's definitely killing that stuff with useless like scrolling on
our phones and things like that.

Speaker 3 (12:11):
Well, your brain wants to do something. It's panicking that
you are. If you're lazy, you are gonna fucking die
because the winter's coming. I mean, it's it's no wonder kid.

Speaker 2 (12:21):
And then that takes up all your time and then
you don't have any like you don't have any.

Speaker 3 (12:25):
Well, yeah, having a kid is also that biological urge
that that comes in. Noah, what were you gonna say?

Speaker 4 (12:30):
I was gonna say, it's also a way to appreciate
the privileges that we have that people like hundreds of
thousands of years ago didn't have.

Speaker 3 (12:39):
Yeah, oh my god.

Speaker 4 (12:40):
And at the same at the same time, I was
going to say, we have a lot of cottontail rabbits
around here, and whenever I look at them out the window,
you just see this rabbit just like constantly just going
like is there anyone here? And like you could actually
see its heart just like yeah, pumping, even when he's
sitting still in the in the ground.

Speaker 3 (12:59):
On goodness like that. Yeah, yeah, some of us are,
though we know people like that, right. And Chris, sometimes
when the dog sleeps in our bed, he will have
a bad night's sleep because the dog will be on
him and he doesn't want to move because he doesn't
want the So Chris will have like a bed sore
because he doesn't want to disturb this dog.

Speaker 1 (13:15):
And he had a bad night's sleep the other night.

Speaker 3 (13:17):
And I said to Chris, I go you. You can't
do this to yourself. He's like, I know, and I
go listen to me. Listen to me. These dogs. Have
you seen our dog. She can be deep in sleep
her like she's running in her sleep, having a dream,
deep in ram her eyes are going wild, and then
a slight set the door. She'll hear something out in
the door, and then she'll get up and like run
to the door and then go back over and get

(13:39):
right back into that sleep. That is the that's the thing.
Animals don't suffer. When they can get rest, they get
it quickly. They don't need to like listen to a
meditation app like dogs can. So they as much as
they are like skittish, I think that when there is
rest to be had, they can absolutely grab it in
that moment. They don't need to like met Kate or

(14:00):
you know, find melotonin. And in nature, you.

Speaker 2 (14:05):
Can over coddle yourself with these corrective tools to you know,
go to sleep or to make yourself feel more comfortable.
And you wind up just becoming soft and weak, and
you just require you become soft.

Speaker 3 (14:19):
And we no, you're right. You require too many things.

Speaker 2 (14:22):
You're just like all of a sudden, you need all
of these things just to feel normal.

Speaker 3 (14:26):
No, I need a cold room. It has been so
hot in Saint Louis that my cold room that I
don't even want to leave this apartment building because of
how cold I can get the fucking room. I mean
my ideal temperature if I could pick one to sleep
with at night. And I'm not joking. We had this
conversation over the weekend. Fifty eight degrees would be my deal.
Now it does not get down to that in my room, obviously,

(14:47):
U sixty two is what I set the thing for,
and it will get down to sixty two.

Speaker 1 (14:51):
And yes, a big blanket to get under.

Speaker 3 (14:53):
I love it. I love it that, but it's seventy degrees. Yeah, No,
you're right. Camping does appeal to me for that, but
I don't want it. I want it cold in our
in our tent then yeah wow. And I also don't
want to get eaten or attacked by a bear in
the middle of the night. That's also something that prevents
me from getting like that.

Speaker 2 (15:10):
I'll solve your other problem of you know, you're supposed
to be constantly on edge.

Speaker 3 (15:14):
That's a good point.

Speaker 2 (15:16):
Camping sounds amazing for you.

Speaker 3 (15:17):
Well, I've open to it. I am open. I literally
am open to it. After I went to Kellen's backyard
and saw Michigan and was like, I kind of like outdoor,
like this is this is a vibe. I kind of
want to get and just go in that lake and float.
But I will say that I now need a sleep mask.
I need sixty two degrees. I need like a comforter
that's I need a top sheet. I will not just
sleep with a comforter. Like I need a special pillow

(15:39):
that is satin and cradles my face like it's my pillow.
And if I don't have it, I really don't, Like
I'm such a pussy. I need a big T shirt
and underwear I don't. I do not want pajamas. I
do not want. I cannot sleep in long sleeves, I
cannot sleep in a song. And I will not sleep
with no underwear. And I my sister when we were
in Vienna did not have any underwear because we were

(16:00):
our bags were stuck or whatever, and she had to
sleep with no underwear one night and she got a
horrible night's sleep and we decided later on we were talking,
she was like, yeah, I had to sleep with no underwear.
She goes, I think that's why I couldn't sleep, and
I go, that is why it's hell to sleep with
no underwear for me.

Speaker 2 (16:16):
No, it's shocked.

Speaker 1 (16:17):
NO likes it.

Speaker 3 (16:19):
I don't want my vagina slipping around. And for some
reason I don't have underwear and I'm sleeping, my vagina
gets sweaty, I think, or it gets sweaty. And you
know when you think, it's like you forget toyoder it
and your pit starts sweating. Like that's what my vagina
does when it doesn't have protection. I cannot have a
nude vigin. I don't like it. Now there's not stuff
hanging out. I don't have to keep it all in.

(16:39):
That's not what I'm saying. It's even when it's tucked up.

Speaker 2 (16:42):
I don't layer of fabric is enough to protect you
from whatever.

Speaker 1 (16:49):
It's not even what's going to attack my vagina.

Speaker 3 (16:51):
I just don't. I just feel gross.

Speaker 2 (16:54):
Yeah no, yeah, you don't want that bear fluids and
as you so you're going to go back, you know,
cleaning your sheets every day.

Speaker 1 (17:01):
No, I definitely am not.

Speaker 3 (17:03):
No, I'm def so that's a good point, but I
will I do recommend reading this article just to get
back to it, because it just talks you through what
happened physically to our planet when it got slammed into
by like a twenty mile long asteroid. And it's just like,
I just want to see. I'm sure there's YouTube videos
of it, but I just want to It's so nuts

(17:23):
to hear what happened. It's like ninety nine point nine
nine nine nine percent of biological life died on the
planet almost instantly. It's like vulk like. But before that,
dinosaurs were kind of they predict dinosaurs were kind of
on their way out. They were almost extinct when the
asteroid hit. Isn't that kind of crazy? Yes, I mean
they could have been going no arms, I mean and

(17:44):
then oh there was a discussion about, oh, we're well
they had to start over. I know that everything had
to start over. Is a big reset.

Speaker 2 (17:53):
Well, there are some that survived. They were they're like
very specific creatures that survived, most of them underwater, and
then yeah, they became birds. There's one, I believe there's one.
There's one type of sea creature that survived. I mean,
sharks have been around for a long time, but there's
one type of sea creature that has survived since that
time really evolved.

Speaker 3 (18:13):
I didn't get through the whole thing, but I am like,
I got to read Sapiens.

Speaker 2 (18:16):
I think.

Speaker 1 (18:16):
I think that's where all of this answer.

Speaker 2 (18:18):
That's a real slog.

Speaker 3 (18:20):
Yeah, I know. I started the summer. It felt like
spark notes for like a for all every single social
studies book you had. Yeah, spark notes are even too
long sometimes. Okay, we got to go to break. I'll
come back right back after this, and we're going to
talk about the big, big announcement, which I'm sure you
all saw the Golden Globes right after this.

Speaker 1 (18:42):
All Right, we're back. It's announced this morning.

Speaker 2 (18:46):
Unbelievable, unbelievable.

Speaker 3 (18:48):
I can't can I toasting the eighty second Golden Globes
annual Annual Golden Globes.

Speaker 2 (18:55):
I think I know what Noah's going to say, Well.

Speaker 4 (18:57):
I was going to say, I cannot believe. Okay, here's
a little humble brag. I feel like I know a
lot of Nikky's secret things that are coming up. I
had no idea.

Speaker 3 (19:06):
No one knew. My assistant, my closest person who's in
my calendar, in my like, she's in everything. She didn't know. Emily,
my social media girl, she didn't know. She's the one
that had to like post like help me post about
her whatever, and she's like, what, like, no one knew?
The only crazy you know? I was just I didn't
want to lose it and I'm tired of being a

(19:27):
little yapper. Is what we're getting called. Chris did know
because he was in the car when I got the
call and I answered the call them knowing he was
in the car. They were fine with him knowing because
they figure, you're gonna tell your It was just my
agent and manager and then and they were the first ones.
It was like, I'm probably not even supposed to reveal
how it goes down, but I'm if this is.

Speaker 4 (19:50):
That's it the d I mean, can we talk like
a little bit about what it felt like to get
the announcement?

Speaker 3 (19:54):
Stuff like, yeah, it felt that well, I've known about
it for a little bit, but I didn't know it
was like one hundred percent happening until a couple of
days ago. But I knew it might be happening and
was maybe like ninety nine percent sure happening for a
little bit, but didn't know one hundred percent until like
you know yesterday and then I honestly, the show is

(20:15):
January fifth. I didn't think they would tell people till December.
So I just thought I had to keep this secret
from everyone in my life. And I literally listen in
the past, I've got booked on things, and I'm sorry,
Dancing with the Stars. My best friend's knew before it
was announced on ABC Good Morning America. You want to
assume me now, I don't know that statute is probably
up at this point. I think it's seven years. Oh shit,

(20:36):
I'm still in it. But yeah, you tell people you're
their close knit. But this is like so big that
I was like, I can't if I stupidly tell the
wrong person.

Speaker 1 (20:45):
And it would be my fault.

Speaker 3 (20:46):
I wouldn't even be mad at them, you know, Like,
I just can't risk this. It's all up to me
to keep this in. So I didn't tell anyone. Chris knew,
and my parents knew. But I only told my parents yesterday,
and I really put the fear of God in them,
like they weren't even talking to each other about it
and they both know. And then I whispered it to
my sister during a pilates class. But that was what

(21:09):
it was. She was the first person I told. I'm
sorry to everyone who told me not to tell anyone.
You know, you got to tell your personal family. You
tell your family too. And my family they're in Saint Louis.
They're not connected to the biz, and they also seriously
depend on me making millions of dollars, so they're not
gonna tell book at any They know it would jeopardize it,
uh because yeah, their kids want to go to college.

(21:30):
So anyway, Yeah, I last night, all of a sudden,
they were like, the announcement's coming tomorrow, and I was like,
I literally didn't think it would be till November or December.
So it was really that's exciting because, as I've said before,
the announcements always like the most exciting part of anything
because you don't it's no work, you know.

Speaker 2 (21:48):
Let's get that.

Speaker 3 (21:50):
I had Chris, and I wrote a statement that I
had to because there's a press release and they want
a quote from you. So we worked for like an
hour on a quote, which was a little long, like
got to the point where Chris was like, well, let's
reconsider this, and I go, I don't think I want
to work on this anymore. I think it's just gonna
have to be good as it is. And that's like
an interesting place to hit where you're like, we haven't

(22:10):
nailed it. It's not like perfect because it's not like
what I would want on my tombstone. It's in terms
of a quote, but you have to determine if you're
going to be a perfectionist about everything. Yeah, it was
you just go, Okay, this is a quote that most
people won't even get to because press releases aren't really
red and full by most people. And yes, I wanted
to be kind of funny, but like, I don't need

(22:32):
to devote more than an hour to this. An hour
already seems way too much and if you overthink something
too much, it can get worse. So I just said, okay, job,
letting go true.

Speaker 1 (22:40):
Yeah, and he looked at it.

Speaker 3 (22:42):
Was an interesting moment because you know, we're like creative collaborators,
and his mo is to really make something as best
as it could be. And I was like, he goes,
so I think maybe we send it to this person.
And I go, I actually think I'm done working on it,
and he's like, but it's and I and we just
kind of looked at each other like and he's like okay,
like he just he knew I was at my limit,

(23:04):
and uh we decided to move on. But yeah, so
that that's just the start of it though, and then
and then the announcement went out, and then this morning
the quote on my and you have to like put
a quote on your Instagram and they have to like
people approve it. I don't know if they approve it
or someone was approving it, maybe my team and my
quote was I like did it this morning? I woke

(23:24):
up and they're like, okay, we're good to go with this,
and I was like, I hate that kind of and
I like kind of freaked out, and I wrote some
friends being like what what's the best And then I
had to tell that person, Hey, I'm hosting the Golden Globes.
It's being announced in one minute. Can you help me
think of a caption? And so we spitballed, and then
we just came up with a joke about my tits
being golden, and I was just like, okay, why not,
you know what, It's an Instagram caption and it did

(23:46):
make me laugh, even though it seemed like the obvious joke.
So that's and then and then within minutes text message
of like it being posted, who's dming you?

Speaker 1 (23:56):
Like the first person to text you.

Speaker 3 (23:57):
I just want to give a shout out to the
first person who is must get alerts from Variety Magazine
on their phoners. Actually, she did text me three times
asking for money in the thirty seconds after it got posted. Nick,
we've asked six times. Now they're starting to count the
number of times they've asked. Yeah, they're getting like gonna
mean at me. But it was Kevin Clancy from KFC Radio,

(24:21):
who is always such an avid supporter of mine, one
of my favorite people to podcasts with, and uh just
one of honestly one of my favorite people. So funny,
so nice, always been really supportive. I think he's so hilarious,
So that meant a lot. And then it was like,
you know who was my agent's all on a text together.
And then it's like Mike Kaplan producers I've worked with

(24:45):
in the past, Chris's brother, Rick Glassman, Greg Warren, Ari Finling,
Jackie Kashin, my two makeup artists that I've worked with,
Travis Kelsey's agent, Micah Fox, Matt Rogers. Shout out to
Matt Rodgers, who got my number. I'm such I've become
such an insane fan of Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
since last cultuesas I've always loved them, but it's like

(25:08):
I'm getting a little bit obsessive, almost like did you
can't me?

Speaker 4 (25:12):
I was like, Alm, did you hear Matt?

Speaker 2 (25:14):
Oh?

Speaker 3 (25:15):
Yeah, I watched his whole Christmas special that he's amazing.
He's so talented. I'm obsessed. But he texted me being
like it's Matt Rogers and I'm like, oh my god.
And then I asked I straight up was like the
only thing I went from this Golden Globes is a
chance to maybe present at the Culture Awards next year.
And they said, you're booked, and I don't know if
I can announce that, but I think they probably will

(25:35):
on their podcast. But I am doing the Culture Awards.
I will be presenting there. But which is an award
show that their podcast puts on. It's so fucking funny.
Renee co Tier, Andrew Collins, Stacy Wardrobe from Foil and
Tyler Florence, Emil Joachim Ryan, my social media guy, uh
a producer that I used to work with at Conan.

(25:56):
I mean, my guy the head of comedy that flicks
so many people Brian uh and Noah, you said a
nice thing, thanks for posting on your stories. Everyone's just
so nice and excited and and yeah a lot.

Speaker 2 (26:12):
Yeah, I mean it's an incredible cat.

Speaker 3 (26:16):
Yeah. He he's always a really you know, there's some
people that you always hear from when there's good stuff
going on, and he's one of them.

Speaker 2 (26:23):
Now, let's name the people who didn't reach out. Yo.

Speaker 3 (26:26):
Yeah, let me get to that list, because I'm already
compiling it. Mom.

Speaker 4 (26:30):
No, she definitely wrote out. I wrote to me, what
did your parents say? I know they were so loud,
but my god, they go.

Speaker 3 (26:38):
Mom goes, that woman just heard you because we were
like at a restaurant and I whispered and I'm like, no,
she didn't. She's watching the DNC on her phone. She goes, No,
they hurt you. Guys should have seen these two people.
There's no way they heard. There's no way they would
care or even know what that was. They were like
actively talking and watching the DNC on their phones at
a restaurant loudly, like they weren't listening. They they weren't

(27:00):
a where anyone was near them, let alone conversations were
happening that they could, but my mom goes they hurt,
and then I started getting paranoid and I'm like, no,
I shouldn't be. They did not, but she was just
like they're so proud. They're just like we can't believe it.
And then my dad like writes me later on being like,
I'm still processing it.

Speaker 1 (27:17):
So cute, so.

Speaker 2 (27:18):
Proud, surreal. I mean, it's one of those things that
your parents, like you probably don't have to deal with
this anymore, but like when you're first starting out comedy,
you get all these huge successes that are impossible to achieve,
and your parents just don't understand what that even means
or how hard it was.

Speaker 1 (27:33):
Mine always did.

Speaker 2 (27:34):
Oh, they just always did.

Speaker 3 (27:36):
Yeah, I'm kind of lucky in that way. I know
that that does that Listen. They didn't always get it,
Like they didn't understand how I was gonna make money.
My mom's still worried that I'm spending too much money
and that I'm gonna that I need a backup plan, like,
but I will say that they always were like, Wow,
you're opening for Screech this weekend.

Speaker 1 (27:54):
That's huge.

Speaker 3 (27:56):
You're driving to the middle of Illinois to get paid
for fifty to do to perform at a sports bar
where everyone is mad at you because you just turned
off the hockey game. Amazing, like they they were so
supportive all along.

Speaker 2 (28:08):
So well, okay, so just generically the Golden Globes, though,
hosting the Golden Globe is something that everybody understands as
a big deal, whether you're a I mean, the only
there's there's one group of people that I don't know
would understand, and that is Jen Alpha because they don't
even watch TV. So but other than that, everybody from

(28:29):
the ages of eight, every one to ninety eight. Once
it turned ninety nine year.

Speaker 1 (28:34):
Well be well. I wrote the quote that I like.

Speaker 3 (28:38):
I was kind of like writing from the heart initially
to figure out what was going to say about this announcement,
and Chris is like, because I'm trying to First, I
was trying to write funny, and then Chris is like,
how do you actually feel? And I'm like, honestly, the
Golden Globes is the pinnacle of like what what I
at least for my career, aspire to like of what
I'm good at. It is the pinnacle because it is
the only night as a host that you really get

(28:59):
to lean into being funny, and you really get to
lean into telling the truth and saying the things about
show business what you which you revere and you're honoring
because it's a legit award show. It's a serious award
show that doesn't take itself too seriously. Now listen, there
is a line, and you do have to tell that lot.
It is a fine needle to thread. But I know

(29:23):
that I'm going to thread it perfectly because I do
like Hollywood. I do want these people to like me.
I don't want to burn bridges, but I also I
love calling out hypocrisy in a fun way that is palatable,
because that's the only way you can really call it
out these days. By the way, Like I'm not some
pussy who's like, oh, I just I love Hollywood so

(29:46):
much and I don't want to get canceled. I want
to say things that could get me canceled, but I'm
gonna figure out a way to say them where no
one can be mad, because it's just true, and that's
that's what you have to do.

Speaker 2 (29:56):
It's I mean, that's so you study. I mean, he'd
the I mean, he's thread that line or towed the
line perfectly, part perfectly.

Speaker 3 (30:06):
Now, who knows if that kind of monologu would work
in this day and age. Like it's been a while
since he had those those big moments, and I think
that the culture has changed a little bit, so especially
after last year's Golden Globes, where there seemed to be
moments that were truly offensive to some celebrities, and like,
so it's just gonna be It's it's going to be
hard to do, but it's not impossible, and it's you know,

(30:28):
I talked to the people that chose me for this,
and like we're really instrumental in making it happen, especially
this guy Jay Penske, who's like the head of the
entire thing, and he's they're just so supportive of what
I do, and like they they it's it feels similar

(30:49):
to when I used to talk about getting hired for
f Boy Island.

Speaker 1 (30:51):
I remember being.

Speaker 3 (30:52):
Like, thank you so much, Oh my god, I can't
believe I get to do this thing, Like I get
to host a reality show for HBO, Like this is
the greatest thing I could ever imagine doing, and it
really was. And then I remember HBO saying we're lucky
to get you, like we want we're excited for what
you're gonna do, Like just do what you want because
we trust you and we know that, like you're gonna
kill this. And I was like, wait, you trust me,

(31:12):
Like hold on, I'm supposed to be thinking you and
like just catering to you. But they're also like, no,
we're lucky we have you, And I feel that same
kind of like it's it's almost like sometimes when you're
dating and you finally meet a person that you're like,
you like me as much as I like you. It's
never it really doesn't happen until it happens, right. Like
most of the time it's imbalanced. One person like is like, wow,

(31:35):
I really lucked out, and the other person is like,
you know, I'm kind of desperate right now and this
he's really nice or whatever it is. But it's rare
when both people are like just as psyched for each other.
I don't know that it's that common even in relationships.
I think they're still in balance, and certainly not in
professional relationships. But it feels that way, and I'm just
excited to like, hopefully get to talk to Ricky Gervais,

(31:56):
hopefully get to talk to a Tina Amy Fallon Kimmel.
I mean, I'm gonna talk to as many as I
can conan about hosting these things and what they wish
they would have done with Chris Rock, which they wish
they would have done, wish they wish they they didn't
want to do like they would have done, And I

(32:17):
just wanted to be the best it can possibly be.
And I really feel like I have such a good
runway leading up to it, so much time to make
it that like there's no way it won't be good.
I just have never felt so certain about something. I'm
sure two weeks out I'll be like, why don't I
have more time to like this isn't working Like that

(32:38):
always happens. I talked about it on therapy with Chris
yesterday about like I've got some big projects coming up.
I didn't even tell my therapist, and I was like,
I just don't want to have that two weeks out
meltdown of like why am I you doing this? Like
I just it might happen, because that is a part
of me as I'm learning in my individual therapy, like
the part of you that has self doubt, the part

(32:58):
of you that doesn't think you deserve things.

Speaker 1 (33:00):
Don't be mean to that part of you.

Speaker 3 (33:02):
Just tell that part of you to like go hang
out in another room and like scribble angrily in a journal.
And they can like slip you notes under the door
about how you're a piece of shit, but you don't
have to pick those notes up. And you can still
feed that thing and like let it live in your house,
but you don't have to hang out with it. That
that that thing, that girl that's mean and she can

(33:23):
write all her ver notes to you and be mean,
but that like but be nice to her. Don't kill
her and punish her, but like just set her up
in a way that you like a mother in law
who's staying with you, that you're like, Okay, I got
to put up with this for now, but like I'm
not gonna. I'm not gonna pick up what you're given me,
and I'm gonna I'm gonna make.

Speaker 1 (33:41):
Your stay lovely.

Speaker 3 (33:42):
That's how you have to treat parts of yourself like
this whole family systems. I think it's called Family Development Systems.
It's a book that two of my friends bought for
me in a year called No Bad Parts. I think
I got it twice for my birthday, and it's I've
only read like twenty pages of it because I was
I was starting to make me do you know, journal
entries and stuff that I didn't have time to actually

(34:03):
commit to.

Speaker 1 (34:04):
But the theory of it is is that there are
parts of.

Speaker 3 (34:06):
You that are wounded at certain ages, and you get
frozen in time, and that seventeen year old version of
you comes out in this circumstance, in this and now
the thirty one year old version of you or whatever
you like, and there's all these parts of you and
you have to like call the parts up and talk
to them and like you just to be nice to
every part of yourself instead of being like, I hate

(34:28):
what I'm disorganized, I hate when I am raging at
something like you just to be like, oh, hey, person
who rages, like, can you come out and talk to me?
And then you have to like talk to it. Like
it's kind of feels weird, like it feels kind of
stupid to do and a word that I was going
to say, but I'm not gonna say it feels a
little that but I was joking.

Speaker 2 (34:48):
But it's it's right, it supposedly.

Speaker 1 (34:50):
Works well, it's it's not ted lasso.

Speaker 3 (34:58):
Back again. Yeah, so Noah, do you know anything about
these parts?

Speaker 4 (35:06):
You know, I'm really bad with the whole like talking
to yourself and oh it's that part of you and
writing a note in the mirror and looking at it
every day. I just I it doesn't work for me.

Speaker 3 (35:18):
No, it doesn't. And there's but there's other ways to
do it, Like there really are, like this. I think
this book and I forget. I was talking recently about this, Like,
you know, you don't have to look at yourself in
the mirror and go I love you. You just have
to be like good job or like or like or
just be like yeah pretty like just talk to yourself
like a bro. Like you don't even need to be

(35:38):
like I love it.

Speaker 2 (35:39):
Imagine if you were a bro and your inner voice
was a bro and you just had that confidence.

Speaker 3 (35:44):
Yeah, I do it pilates all the time. I'll just
go and I've said it before, I go, go, Nikki,
you could do this. Nick, You've got this. I like,
turn into the CrossFit instructor who's like right next to
my facebood, Nick, you got this. Don't give up now,
Like I hate that person when I'm imitating her in
my mind I'm like, this bitch needs to like know
her lane and not and just focus on teaching the class.
You know, you get those teachers that sometimes just get

(36:07):
up near you too much and like encourage you when
you're like, no, I came here to half asset. I
don't know if anyway, those teachers sometimes they walk around
the room and like yesterday, my teacher kind of focused
on me too much, and I was like, I hate
these straps, Like I lash out at her and I
didn't like not in her, but I was just like
I don't want to use them, Like I kept dropping them,
and she would like pick them up for me because

(36:27):
she thought it was dropping them, and I go, I
literally hate these and so.

Speaker 1 (36:30):
I just dropped.

Speaker 3 (36:31):
And then I was like, oh my god, does she
think I was being like but my adrenaline was so
up from holding this fucking lunge that I like kind
of snapped.

Speaker 2 (36:38):
But fuck the straps are you talking about? Like the
they're like nylon straps, they can make you stretch more.

Speaker 1 (36:44):
Oh I hate those things.

Speaker 2 (36:45):
They hurt your hands.

Speaker 3 (36:47):
I don't like the ones you put around your knees
and stuff. I hate any kind of work with a
ball because I'm too sweaty and the ball will fly
out from between my thighs if I press it too hard,
or any kind of like band you have to rip
around because the band always rolls on itself. Yeah, or
it just like is in the wrong or it rubs
off my spray tand or it leaves behind my spray
tant on this band that other people have to use

(37:08):
at the studio.

Speaker 2 (37:09):
But bands, I don't mind. It's the straps that the strap.

Speaker 3 (37:12):
Are you talking about the tix straps. Here's a new
thing that I've learned in I'm calling you out, every instructor.
That's something it got around to just say during classes,
and it does work. I will say, I know it works,
but a lot of instructors are going you are so strong,

(37:35):
you are so strong, and I just I love it
because it's true, like when we're all in class holding
that move, we are so strong, but you don't know
me and I could be new to this class. Okay,
what is it?

Speaker 2 (37:48):
They're just like t rex.

Speaker 1 (37:52):
Yeah, it's a tr extra a t Rex strap.

Speaker 2 (37:54):
You can wrap it around your leg and you can
help it stretch out your hamstrings, and it's just like
there's no good way to do it without hurting your hand.

Speaker 3 (38:00):
Ants by the way it is. In the paleontology community,
there is a divide of people. This is interesting to me.
Some think that t Rex was a carnivore and like
attacked and hunted for prey, and the others think it's scavenged.
And there was one fossil found that had a t
rex bone or tooth in this animal's bone, and everyone's

(38:22):
like and they go, this proves that it hunted, and
then the others are like, no, it was probably just
accidentally scavenging and like hit a bone.

Speaker 1 (38:29):
Or something like.

Speaker 3 (38:30):
It's like but it literally is like what they'd fight about,
and like it is. It's like, uh, it's like the
Dane Cook of paleontology of like, no, Dane Cook's funny. No,
He's like, you know where we're all divided. Although I
think everyone is wrong if they think Dane Cook's not funny,
and I'm sure he'll clip this.

Speaker 2 (38:46):
Cook is funny. Dan Cook's album and Tooth Retaliation and
Not Vicious Retaliation and the one before it were some
of the best comedy albums of all time and they
literally shaped me and all of my friends. Comede Extens
of Bill. He's in the same way that Adam Sandler
did with Happy Gilmore and stuff.

Speaker 3 (39:03):
What would not be what it is today without Dane Cook.
He is a major, major mark on comedy.

Speaker 2 (39:08):
It's just sucks so bad when people just totally discount
the guy's first two incredible albums that like change the
game because they're mad at him for Vicious Circle, which
was less good.

Speaker 3 (39:22):
You know what he was great on, which I was
in the audience Sports. My first TV appearance of my
entire career was the Insomniac Tour with David tel and,
Greg Giraldo, Dane Cook and Sean He's dead now I
should remember his name.

Speaker 2 (39:37):
Fuck, he was so funny man.

Speaker 3 (39:39):
He was on Comedy Central, David tel Uh, Greg Giraldo,
Dane Cook, and Sean. I really forget he had. He
had some kind of condition that U but he was
so funny. Fuck.

Speaker 1 (39:50):
Someone look at.

Speaker 4 (39:51):
Sean, Sean Ruse, raps Rouse Rouse.

Speaker 3 (39:54):
Sean Rows. I think, oh my god, oh old I
am I used to like know this guy. This is
so embarrassing. God, he's dead and can't get offended personally,
but his kin next of kin can I guess? But
he was Mann he's so funny. But Dane Cook on
that special was fantastic. I mean, that was that way
and that was peak Dane. I bet you anything. Dane
was signed on to do that before he blew up,

(40:15):
because all of a sudden, he's like one of four
guys on this Comedy Central special and he is the
biggest thing in the world at that point. And I
went as a fan, I like, bought a ticket and
flew to Las Vegas to go to that show as
a fan. I had just started comedy and then we
got chosen to fill in seats. Me and Catherine got
chosen to fill in seats and got moved up and
they're like, you're gonna be on camera, and the camera's

(40:36):
like in my face the entire time. I'm like, And
then we got chosen to go to the VIP party
afterwards and meet all of them, and I talked to
Greg Giraldo for hours, and I don't remember any of
it because I was so fucking wasted, one of the
biggest No. I was two wasted, right, I blacked out,
But I I know from blacking out that I was

(40:58):
a really like I could have good comas when I
was blacked out, all the time. I could pretty much
be normal and lucid and seemingly lucid, and thank you
seemingly lucid because I was not because I did not
remember any of it and I was wasted, but people
would think and that I was totally sober. So Greg
Drialdo and I like formed a friendship that night. Like
I literally talked to him for hours and I was

(41:21):
twenty one and I just started comedy. He gave me
so much advice. Early in the evening, I got advice
from Dame Cook because my friend went up to him
and was like, my friend is comedy and she really
she would love some advice, and I'm like, don't do.
I was so mad at her, but he quickly gave
me some and it was really good. He said, do
not move to New York or LA right out of college.
How long you been doing it? Two years, stay in

(41:41):
the city you're doing it. Moved to a city like
Austin or Boston or Chicago, Denver, get really good at comedy.
There be the best in town, and then moved to
New York or LA. Which is great advice. And I
did not follow it, but I essentially I kind of
did because I moved to La moved back to Saint Louis,
got really good, then moved back out. But I it
took me a while, but yeah, I spent all night

(42:02):
talking to Greg Giraldo in this booth and it was
not creepy. I remember being like, Oh, this guy doesn't
there's doesn't seem like this guy wants to fuck me.
Like this is honestly like an older comedian, just like
we're having a good time and like talking about real shit.
He was sober at the time, so he remembered all
of it, and I forgot every single thing we talked about.
Didn't remember a single fucking thing. I have pictures from it, though,

(42:24):
and my friend witnessed it. And then he came to
Kansas City and worked a club like six months later,
and I was just doing nothing all weekend in Lawrence, Kansas.
I wasn't working, didn't go up to Stanford and Sons
the club in Kansas City. But he was at a
different club in Kansity, and I go to Stanford's on
Tuesday night for open mic and they go, oh, I
was over at whatever club at Mortis and Greg Geraldo

(42:45):
was asking where you were, like asking about you all weekend,
being like, when's Nicky Glaizer gonna drop it? And I'm like,
why didn't anyone fucking I had I was such an idiot.
I didn't know he was there. I would have gone
up and didn't guest sets or something like.

Speaker 1 (42:56):
It just sucks.

Speaker 3 (42:57):
I could have maybe been friends with Greg Roaldo and
I was for night. But that's why I eventually quit drinking,
because that would happen all the time.

Speaker 2 (43:04):
Well, there you go, there you go. I mean you
who knows where your career would have been if you
had done those guest sets with Greg Gerald, though maybe
you would have been hosting the Golden Globes two years ago.

Speaker 1 (43:18):
Now that's the thing. Nothing would change.

Speaker 3 (43:20):
It's not like I wanted that friendship to be like
what could my life be? It's just like someone's dead
and he's one of the best to ever do it,
and I have gone on to do the thing that
he does, and it would have been nice to have
him along the way as a mentor.

Speaker 1 (43:36):
Not that it's like my vote, my roast could have
been better.

Speaker 3 (43:38):
It was great, but it would have been cool to
like have his input along the way. Honestly, I don't
even know that I would have been able to have
that spun on the roses because I he would have
had it. So I'm I'm full of mixed feelings right now.
I wish I could think of another word to describe it.
But we'll be right back after this final thoughts.

Speaker 2 (43:58):
I had a success what I was in Bone Appetite yesterday? What? Yeah,
I was in fun app Yeah for apples. They did it,
and they did it. Yeah, the whole profile on me.

Speaker 1 (44:10):
What a whole profile?

Speaker 2 (44:11):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (44:12):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (44:12):
Wait Brian, can you hold it up as your picture?

Speaker 3 (44:14):
Like in it?

Speaker 1 (44:15):
Do you have the print version?

Speaker 2 (44:16):
There's no picture and I don't even think. No, it's
not on print. It's just it's just on the internet.

Speaker 3 (44:21):
Oh, nothing's in print. That's the That's what I'm realizing now,
Bone a pe Tite, Brian Franchie, Okay, I'm looking it
up now.

Speaker 2 (44:27):
Yeah, they did a whole profile and this was I
think the best profile that I've gotten so far.

Speaker 3 (44:32):
Oh my god, you guys.

Speaker 1 (44:34):
It's called culture.

Speaker 3 (44:35):
How one man has dedicated himself to the art of
Apple trolling. This comedian created an Apple ranking system so
no one so no one ever has to quote eat
a trash Apple ever again By Margaret Ebbie.

Speaker 2 (44:47):
She was amazing, an amazing writer, and she really got it.
She really understood.

Speaker 1 (44:53):
Only to have this read to you.

Speaker 3 (44:55):
It's forty two hours now. Even when you select your
produce with care, what's inside is ultimately a mystery. This
is particularly true with apples whose shiny, bruiseless exteriors in
the supermarket rarely reveal their contents. I'm gonna read the
whole thing pleasingly tart, overwhelmingly sour, or cloyingly sweet? Will
your first bite be snappy? Or reveal the dread milliness

(45:18):
lurking within? Luckily, a hero helping luckily, a hero helping
sort through the endless varieties of apples and their potential
pitfalls exists Apple rankings dot com, which Brian, if you
don't know, is the author and creator of. At Apple Rankings,
you can browse through extremely opinionated, often hilarious descriptions of apples,

(45:38):
all rated on a scale from zero worst to one
hundred the best possible apple on the market. Each of
the sixty nine apples on the side is ranked on
characteristics likes, taste, crispiness, crispness, sorry crispness, beauty, and cost.
Slash availability. There's also a meter for sweetness, tartness, and intensity,
as well as a category is for baking apples, cider apples,
and sour apples. Apple ranksing is an extended comedy bit,

(45:59):
but it's also one man's devoted pursuit of excellence and fruit.
The website is the brainchild of comedian and cartoonist Brian Frangie,
who admits that until twenty twenty fifteen or so, he
wasn't even really a fan of apples. If you had
asked me then what my favorite fruit was, I would
have said mango or grape. Frangie tells Bonepetite I would
pick up a red delicious and it would be a
mealy disgrace. It was like I was in Pleasantville and

(46:21):
my whole world was black and white. One day, at
Whole Foods in New York City, he picked up a
sweet tango apple. The world went into color. Franngie said,
it made no sense that this could be the same
fruit as the trash I had been eating. Feeling betrayed
by the forces that kept him from the joys of
great apples, Frangi decided to start a site objectively ranking them.
I don't want anyone to eat a trash apple ever again,

(46:42):
he says. Frangie, who also goes by the Apple, is
devoted his own ranking scale, which he calls the fruit
fr sorry, F one hundred, F one hundred, and it calls,
and it calls, quote my legacy. I have nothing else,
I have no children. When I die, the only thing
that will survive me is the system. The worst rated
apples on the side are Newton Pippins, ranked nineteen out

(47:04):
of one hundred, described as long island sand filled condom
and quote a tasteless hunk of malformed donkey shit that
should have been abolished during the reign of George George
the Third King, George the Third Sorry. Anything below fifty
five points is filed under category pure shit apples. The
worst apples from zero to nineteen points are labeled apple hell.
These are further demarketed as not worth eating, horse food, despicable,

(47:28):
vomitous filth, and finally criminal mel feasons.

Speaker 1 (47:32):
Oh my god, these are all.

Speaker 3 (47:34):
Great heavy metal band names. Worse food, despicable, vomitous filth,
criminal malfeasance.

Speaker 1 (47:40):
That's a great word.

Speaker 3 (47:41):
On the other side of the spectrum are the top apples,
sweet tangos and honeycris are in top rated specimen are
the top rated specimens described as the Holy Grail and
quote injecting its genes into some of the best apples
mankind has to offer, respectively. Despite the humor of Frangie's review,
his commitment is serious.

Speaker 1 (47:56):
He has a system.

Speaker 3 (47:56):
First, he buys five apples, taste one, and store the
rest and the refrigerator for a few days. When he
tastes them again, What I didn't know this.

Speaker 2 (48:04):
No, nuts very systematic.

Speaker 3 (48:06):
Then two weeks later he repeats the process, trying to
ensure that the sample he got didn't represent a bit
particularly good.

Speaker 1 (48:12):
Or particularly bad batch of fruit.

Speaker 3 (48:15):
You are scientist, my friend Frangie scours farmers markets for
new varieties and keeps up the latest apple news. Keeps
up on the latest apple news. He sometimes orders apples
directly from orchards if there's ones that peak his interest.
At several points in our conversation, Franchie veered into the
science of apple grafting and storage, and on the quote
apple scam, in which unscrupulous grossers give the Pink Lady

(48:36):
labels to lesser fruit crisps. Pink though crisp, pink and
pink Ladies are the same variety of apple. To earn
the name pink Lady, apples have to pass a certain
quality standard. Okay, it goes on and on. So Brian
goes on to say, sometimes people write me nasty emails
and call me a fraud, but usually people are in
on the bit.

Speaker 1 (48:54):
He pays attention to the comments.

Speaker 3 (48:56):
I was like, uh, after clamoring from the comments, Oh,
wait for one apple, the sugar Bee, Franngie upset reviewers
by putting an initial score of the seventies good but
not great. After clamoring from the comments, Franchie tried the
sugar Bees again, this time fresh from the orchard. I
was like, you know what, I was a little biased
by the horrific bee mascot. I gave it a lower
score that I should have. I raised the score.

Speaker 1 (49:18):
This goes on and on.

Speaker 2 (49:21):
Yeah, So, speaking of comments, some of the comments, I've
been getting a lot of comments on my website since
this article came out, and I shared a couple of
them on my Instagram, and I just want to read
a couple of comments that I got. Yeah, one of
them is, how about you kill yourself fucking web. Too
many stupid retards like you making this world a bigger

(49:44):
shithole than it is.

Speaker 3 (49:46):
I think they got the wrong profile. I think they
meant to honestly, like, don't you think that that person
is just copy and pasting that for everyone because.

Speaker 2 (49:55):
There's I don't know, Well, here's another one. Okay, you're
a fucking moron and proved by claiming Fuji is closer
to Honey Crisp than Red Delicious. It's consistent mushy texture
and absolutely no flavor or one of its major flaws.
You maybe should shut the fuck up and never give
your opinion on anything, as you're an absolute retard that
should be castrated as to never pass on your shitty gens.

Speaker 3 (50:17):
So they definitely because they quoted genes and they like
stole what you were just talking about.

Speaker 2 (50:23):
Yeah, no, I mean it's it's kind of like there
are some people who make comments like that on my website,
which I approve. I go through and I approve them
by hand. They make comments like that because they think
they're being funny. They think they're in on the bit
because I'm so severe about my Apple rankings. They think
in response. Now there's some people who are like that,
and they're just not as good at being funny, right,

(50:44):
so they just say you're a retard who should kill yourself,
and they think that's the bit.

Speaker 1 (50:48):
No, you're right.

Speaker 3 (50:49):
I think that people do that a lot. Like you know,
I talk about sex a lot openly on stage, and
people will come up and say really disgusting things about
things they want to do to me, which is there's
some truth in it, which the people are probably actually
mad at you too, but they delivered in your way
and you're like, no, that's you're missing the mark. That's
not how we're I'm I'm that's right, they're just trying

(51:10):
to Now.

Speaker 2 (51:11):
Every once in a while, there are people who will
write comments that are vicious, but they're also well written
and funny, and those are like, now, you're right on
the mark.

Speaker 3 (51:20):
They're like, that's oh god. I love when people are finding.

Speaker 2 (51:23):
Any of those paragraph a tone of just like absolute
eviscerating me.

Speaker 3 (51:29):
Yeah, but in the tone though, like yeah, like they
nail it. Yeah, that's really satisfying when you listen. It
hurts a lot when you get a comment that's mean,
but it's like precise and well written, and there's just
people can be so funny that aren't comedians. And I
think obviously we've learned that from the Internet more so,

(51:49):
like just people's comments, like different memes that are made
just people on Twitter that are like you know that,
I don't go on Twitter, but I just see tweets,
you know, like on Reddit.

Speaker 1 (51:58):
And stuff, and you just go.

Speaker 3 (51:59):
Man, and some people are writing the funniest jokes ever written,
and they're just like a guy in a car at
Target who just thought something, you know, before he starts
up his car, like to see.

Speaker 2 (52:08):
The key is those people are randomly being funny at points,
and the difficulty of being a professional comedian is doing
it consistently over a long period of time.

Speaker 3 (52:18):
Yeah, it's it's exhausting and it becomes not fun when
the pressure's on. So it's like you have to find
ways to make it fun for yourself and try to
not put so much pressure on it, because it's nothing
worse than like trying to be funny. But I will
say I just have you know, my girl Emily reads

(52:38):
all of my comments now and does all of my
like she'll it sucks because I want to I want
to get back in there. It saves me so much
time though to not reading comments, and I still read
my dms, and I sometimes late at night will like
go see like nice things people said, and she sometimes
is like, hey, this person commented this, what should I say?

(52:59):
But for the most part I don't read any comments
and it's but it's worth it. I just don't want
to read mean things. And yesterday there was something mean
said about, of all people, Kellen uh, the little boy
that uh.

Speaker 1 (53:14):
At the airstart people.

Speaker 3 (53:15):
I didn't even like. I honestly that does a little
boy in address does literally nothing for my Olympic system
in terms of like this is different, Like I don't.
I'm so happy that it signals nothing in me to
care or even think that anyone would care. I like that.
I'm that, you know, used to it, because who the

(53:36):
fuck gives a fuck? But people still do, and I
forget that it's so naive that I don't, and I'm
just so grateful. As I said, like, yesterday, Emily told
me people were saying nasty stuff. So she's like, I'm
just gonna delete and and block them or whatever, and
I was like, yeah, but can you write back to
one of them? That I just am so glad Kellen
got his parents and not you as parents, and that

(53:59):
I hope You're child is everything you expected it to be.
Otherwise they're going to have a horrible time. And it's true,
Like thank god, and I said this before, like just
thank god. I feel to all the little boys or
girls out there that want to dress in a different
way than you are expected to dress and your parents

(54:19):
won't let you. I'm so sorry that you could, Like
to the centuries of young boys who wanted to wear
dresses and couldn't. Kellen is living his best life because
of the what you had to endure, and it's like
so great to see that it's just not an issue
and it shouldn't because who is it harming? Literally who?

(54:39):
And I just always think about it. I just don't
get it. I just like I.

Speaker 2 (54:45):
Can't masculinity and I want.

Speaker 3 (54:48):
And he's destroy it. And he's choosing it too, you know,
because it's what's in it. It's it's crazy, But I like, no,
you're my I was just saying to Chris yesterday because
we were talking about and we're like, you know, it
does take a really amazing father to embrace that entirely.

(55:08):
And Kellen does have an amazing father, and I don't
know his mother, but I'm sure it's like a support
on all sides because he just seems to just know
himself and love himself so much and like not any
Yeah he doesn't. Yeah, he's a lady of the lake,
and he doesn't seem to have any There's nothing that
makes him seem like I'm doing something different or weird.
Like he's not like I'm special because of this. He's

(55:29):
just is you know in that.

Speaker 2 (55:31):
Yeah, he just is.

Speaker 3 (55:33):
Over telling around this or something.

Speaker 2 (55:36):
The generations, I think if you go zoomer in below,
like everyone's wearing whatever they want there, everyone's got nail
polish on if they want it, And I just think
it's gonna this is really just gonna be a non
factor in a hundred years.

Speaker 3 (55:51):
I'm so glad because it was a factor even in
my lifetime. Like I remember for seeing little like uh
not that he's whatever. It is like kids dressing in
a different gender than they were assigned at birth and
being like, WHOA, that's different and kind of being jarred
by it. So I've even been in the generation of WHOA,

(56:11):
Not that that's wrong or something, but WHOA that's different.
I'm gonna like that's all gets my cockles raised, And
now I don't feel it at all. It like it's
just so nice that I didn't even think, like can
I buy a dress for a boy? Like is this weird?
Like what I was just shopping for him? It was
like I was shopping for Poppy. It wasn't even like
and I love that that's the way it is. Because
all I can say is, if you have any kind

(56:32):
of like a little bit of hesitation about how little
boys or little girls want to act or dress and
like what parents should do, just imagine the way you
felt as a little boy or girl and the things
you like to play with, and hope to God that
you expressed the same gender that you wessigned at birth.
But let's say, like, because I was talking to Chris,
I was like, I can't imagine being eight years old

(56:55):
and someone making me wear boy clothes, like because that
of how I felt when I was an eight year
old girl and like wanting to play with dolls and stuff,
and like just that's all you have to do is
just imagine what that would be like if when the
way you felt about things.

Speaker 2 (57:10):
When you were it, right, So if I was a
little boy. If I was my parents made me wear
a dress.

Speaker 3 (57:17):
Yes, how that would feel, because that's what that's what.
This is a document that you came like. Just run
that through your head. That's all you have to do,
and then you know exactly how it feels. This isn't
a huge stretch of the imagination. That's it. So no
one should struggle with this at all, and no one's
being forced to do anything. It's just what he wants
to do. And man, if the world would be a

(57:38):
great place if kids could just be who they want
to be and we didn't, you know, project things onto them.
But it's hard not to and it's hard to adjust
to these things. And I'm not mad if people are
having struggles doing it. I just want you to maybe
use some of the devices I learned to wrap your
head around it a little bit more. But that's all
I'll say on that for now. We have another podcast
for you this week. Don't think we'd don't We usually

(58:00):
do too, but we have a bonus, so it'll come
out tomorrow. Is that right? Noah, yep, that's right. Three
this week, you guys, Lucky you, lucky us.

Speaker 1 (58:08):
We love doing it.

Speaker 3 (58:09):
We will see you then congratulations, Brian, congratulations, Nicky, thank you.
That's but that bone apute thing is so cool. I
wish you did you post it yesterday to to come out.

Speaker 2 (58:21):
Yeah, I came out yesterday.

Speaker 3 (58:22):
Fuck Okay, I'm gonna repost it today. I love it
so much. I can't wait to finish reading it. Thanks
to everyone. I love Peleelontologist. They'll be code bye. The
Nicki Glazer Podcast is a production by Will Ferrell's Big
Money Players and iHeart Podcasts. Created and hosted by me
Nicki Glazer, co hosted by Brian Frangie. Executive produced by
Will Ferrell, Hans Sonny and Noah Avior edited it engineered

(58:43):
by Lean and Loaf, video production Mark Canton, and music
by Anya Marina. You can now watch full episodes of
the Nicki Glazer Podcast on YouTube, follow at Nicki Glazer
Pod and subscribe to our channel

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