18. I’m A BBW Pornstar

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During this week's episode, I interview a  BBW pornstar that's been in the industry for over seven years. She shares her journey with not fully understanding the industry at first, why BBWs have a bad reputation in the porn industry and her goals after porn. Get ready to laugh because this week's guest was so much fun.  

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey guys, Welcome to this weekson episode the PSC Podcast
is sugarl eban A and I have yet another exciting
episode for you guys. Before we begin, let's do a
lot of housekeeping. First, make sure you follow me on
all social media platforms at the Professional home Girl, at
the PSC podcast, and a ebanday Beauty. UM. Please make
sure to visit my websites at the Professional home Girl

(00:23):
dot com and at ebandae Beauty dot com. For those
of you that don't know how to start, my name
is E D O N E. And last, but not least,
please make sure you rate and review the PSC podcast
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to receive some coins off. Please keep in mind all

(00:45):
of my guests. All right, no on this, so let's begain.
So I'm excited about this. The other night because I
wanted to be well prepared for this interview, I was
watching UM two documentaries on Netflix call Life after Poor.
How you seen it? No? I haven't. It was really good.

(01:07):
H how did you get your start? And porn? Well?
To to begin, I was my aunt told me I
do everything, So why not try to get in a magazine?
But what do you mean by everything? Like I do
photo shoots, you know what I'm saying. I mean like

(01:30):
I'm not ashamed. I'm not you know, if I'm gonna do,
I do photo shoots. I had a stripper come to
my city and it was quite a few of them,
and I met him. We talked for a while. He
told me about camming and everything else. So I was like,
you know, I wasn't really ready for I didn't know
much about how you do camming or anything like that
at the time. So then he said, well, why don't

(01:51):
we do a photo shoot? So I did the photo shoot.
He gave me the photos back. It took like two
weeks or something. I forgot all about the photos. You know.
I was like, Okay, he just donet took the photos
and doing whatever he want to do with him, you
know what I mean. So finally, I guess because he
was in college also, but he was a male stripper,
and um, we did the photo shoot. I also in

(02:11):
the process of waiting for him to give me the
photos the photos back, I have begun a relationship with
one of my children's football coaches and he started talking
to me about the cammy thing. Wait, it is it's

(02:31):
like cam like you cam you talked to fans people
they like my free cam Streammates is different ones. It's
like it's a thousands upon thousands of cammy sites. So
there's there's things like cam models. That's what it's called
being a cam model. And there are male and female
cam models. You know what I'm saying. It's not just

(02:52):
for women. Some sites only cater to women. But then
you have a lot that you know, cater to both.
And you know, so you know, you can do it
with alone or with someone else, you know, but they
have to be a member. You know, I'm a member
of the site. You know, someone who's working for the site.
Like they have to have their W two's, and like

(03:13):
you pay taxes on all of this nothing yeah, everything,
we pay taxes on, you know. So but anyways, she, um, well,
you know, excuse me, the football coach. The he was
the assistant, let me get it straight, assistant football coach
of my daughter. Because my daughter was the first female
football player you know that's been here in my city.

(03:36):
So and she was you know for the kids leagues
and stuff. So um, me and him talked and he
was talking to me about you know, all of it
everything also, but the like I said, the stripper knew
had a little more deep detail. He knew more about it,
I guess because he had been involved in it. And
so at that point the football coach star it trying

(04:01):
to take pictures of me also, you know, he took
a couple, but his photography wasn't on point, not like
the definitely was it. Then he called it up doing
some little photos of me giving him head. You know,
I actually seen those photos and they are horrendous, you

(04:21):
know what I mean. They're horrendous. I actually have them
on my laptop and I never showed them to nobody
because they're gross. They just don't look right. I didn't
look right. My parents wasn't right. And it was in
between the me testing the waters on the type of
hairstyles and what was attractive to the audience, you know,

(04:42):
and when I compared it, like it's times where I've
put on a black wig and people were like, uh m,
pretty much. Yeah, I was doing all of that. So
with me doing all of that and my aunts saying, well,
you're doing all this, you're doing all of this. You
might as well try to get into a magazine, but
she never thought I'd take it as far as I have.

(05:04):
You know what I'm saying, Because I did try to
get into magazine, but I wasn't. I'm like, I'm not
about to go out here buying magazines, you know what
I'm saying. So I have an uncle who lives across
the street from me, and I know he's some type
of a freak. You know. I see all the different
type of women he'd be taking in and out the
house and stuff, you know. So I know one day
he had particularly asked me, did I have any magazines

(05:26):
over here? I know, goddamn pornographic magazines. You know. At
the time that he was asking me, I had another job,
like I said, I you know, my daughter was doing
the football. You know what I'm saying. I'm a mother,
so you know what I mean. I was wrapped up
in so many other things, but also had another job
when I was self employed, you know what I'm saying.

(05:47):
And I was a childcare provider at the time. So
what the hell would I be doing with sex magazines
laying around my house? You know what I'm saying. And
what I'm gonna be doing with him anyway. You know,
I'm my mind like I don't. I've never been one
to watch porn I or look at magazines. I've been
in adult toy stores and all of that, but not

(06:08):
to bring I bring toys home. You know, you ever
thought that you would be doing what you're doing. No,
not in no way, shape or form. But when he
asked me, it dawned. You know, I had remembered that
in the back of my head. So when my I
was saying, get into you know, you need to try
to get into a magazine. Well, of course I went
over and knocked on his door and asked him did
he have him? After he asked me, now remind you,

(06:29):
I'm asking him, let me see what you got. He
was like, well, I don't use all mine me not
thinking you know what could be all over the magazine.
So he was like, let me dig some out and
I'll bring him across the streets. So he brought the
magazines to me. When I tell you, these magazines was ancient.
It was the black and white ones, like literally the

(06:51):
pages was like like warped. And who knows why they
sold world. It could be worked because of age or
because if something else was on it, you know what
I'm saying. But I'm still not I'm still looking and
that's like, you know, you go back to your childhood
table of contents. So I'm looking at the magazine is
like this is fat white women, you know what I'm saying.

(07:11):
And it's just really some of the pages stuck together.
But I'm still trying to figure out there has to
be a phone number or email. God, the magazine is
like before I was born, probably, you know what I mean.
So remind you this is my step uncle. He's much
older than me, you know what I mean. So I'm
still not thinking. All I'm thinking is table of content.

(07:32):
So I'm looking it's emails. But you know, like I said,
the magazines was old. I did try the emails. I
did try the phone numbers. From that point on, I
finally received those photos from the stripper. He pulled up.
I was outside with all the kids, you know what
I'm saying. He had me a DVD and I came

(07:52):
in the house and you know, after the kids left
and everything, you know, like I said, I was doing
daycare and once I got my kids, you know, whine
down and everything. I came in and I looked at
the DVD and I was blowed away by the photos.
The bad part with the photos is I was tipsy
as hell, so some of them you could tell I

(08:12):
was tipsy, but my makeup was still on point, and
I wear all emotions on my face. So my emotion
was I was hot as hell because I was not tipsy,
but drawn funked up, you know what I'm saying. And
um so, but I was still impressed by the photos
compared to the other ones that the football assistant football

(08:34):
coach took, so I was really excited about it. So
I showed him to my end and I showed the
regular pictures, not nothing sexual because there really wasn't any
visual where you could see like open body parts, you
know what I'm saying. That wasn't open or nothing. It
was a erotic you know what I mean. It was
more erotic photos, you know what I'm saying. I was

(08:54):
still fully clothed, you know what I mean. The most
that came out was my breast, you know what I mean.
There wasn't any like butt naked. You can see my butt,
you know, but that's it. Nothing where you know, too bad,
not nothing busting, you know. The clip out or nothing
like that. So you know, my aunt seen him and
she liked him or whatever. I showed him to a
couple of other people and then I went on I

(09:16):
can't even remember the BBW search something. It was a website.
So I put a couple of photos up there. I
was contacted by a black producer out of North Carolina.
When he contacted me, we spoke back and forth. Now
at this time, I was on Social services by this time,

(09:37):
you know, because it wasn't that many kids in daycare,
so I had no choice but to go and apply
because I'm still a mother. I still got to take
care of my kids one other and I have a
big gass house and not trying to lose my house,
you know what I'm saying. So I had like two
kids in daycare who parents weren't really paying, you know,
but I didn't want to leave let the kids go.

(09:57):
You get attached to people kids, you know what I'm saying. So,
and it was like if I didn't keep them, who would,
you know. Still struggling, but I still apply for social services.
So you know, I'm on a budget. I'm barely making it,
so I um, so what I was saying oh I um,
I went on ahead and like I said, put those

(10:19):
pictures on the site. The black producer contacted me. When
he contacted me, we talked for a long time, all
still talking to him. You know, he's just one person
that actually gave me the time of day. But you know,
you can't believe everything that glitter ain't go And just
because I see he got all these little DVDs and
it's that the other he's still saying he wants to

(10:39):
shoot me, but he has you know, this girl and
that girl he's working. It's always some type of excuse,
you know what I'm saying. So I started googling things,
and this is something that I had to educate myself on.
And when I tell you, day after day, night after night,
day after day, like it was to me like a job.
And then my mind, you had any kids in daycare,

(11:01):
so any spare time that I had, this is what
I did. It seems persist your head. Yeah, I couldn't stop,
you know what I'm saying. It was just like it
wouldn't leave my mind. You know, I got so many
compliments and then on on on that site, and I
remind you at this time, I didn't have Facebook. I

(11:24):
still had that MySpace ship and I was bored with that.
And my kids used to have Facebook, and I used
to get on them because I used to be mad.
I'm like these old asthment. So I made my kids
shut their facebooks down because they looked like older men
were Why you got all these old men on your
on your Facebook. So at this point, I now I
gotta after making them shut their Facebook down, I have

(11:46):
to go back to them to ask them to teach
me about Facebook. That's crazy, you know what I'm saying.
So I put some of those basic photos up or whatever.
Not a whole lot, just a few. And um, actually
I got contacted by another guy who is actually the

(12:07):
owner of a well was the owner of a club
in the DC area or I am still talking to
the guy from North Carolina. And um, the one from
the club. He told me that he does photos and
he owned the club and it's that any other never
telling me he had a wife, you know what I'm saying. Anyway,
me and him talked for quite some time. He ended

(12:29):
up coming to my city, coming to Buffalo. He ended
up coming here. When he came here, he came with
a woman and another guy. Now, I didn't have no
idea that the other guy actually lived in my city.
I never knew him, never seen him. I'm not I
wasn't the type of person like hanging in the streets
or whatever. So they picked me up, came to my home,
picked me up, took me to a hotel, did a

(12:49):
photo shoot. We did a you know, a really nice
photo shoot. Me being a type of person I am like.
I thought he was fine and say, hell, you know,
I'm flirting with him. I don't know this his wife
and she never let knowing that as his wife's she
never said nothing. And then eventually the other guy that
was with them, Um, he ended up making a comment.
Then then I put two and two together, you know

(13:11):
what I'm saying. So, and they ended up we did
finished the photo shoot out. The pictures were lovely. There's
some of the pictures that people see online now they're
still up, you know, so, UM remind them still talking
to the guy from North Carolina. Now, the one that
I did that came here and I did the photo
shoot with They gave me a paper to sign. I

(13:32):
ain't know none about a contract or anything, you know
what I'm saying. It was one page, but it was
pretty basic and it was more like it was what
I learned was content exchange. They could use the photos
what they wanted to to use it for, and I
could use it. You know. Nobody received any money for it,

(13:52):
you know, either way. But then after I signed it,
I go on the bathroom, changed my clothes, put my
you know, my regular clothes back on, and they tell
me that they've been doing photo shoots of girls from
d C all the way to Buffalo and nobody does
the camera justice, none of the big girls they've been photoing,
I mean taking photos of did the camera justice at

(14:14):
the time, and I was like wow, I said, well,
you know, me thinking well, you must be looking for
bum bitches or something, you know that ain't been trying
to put it theirself together or whatever. So to me,
he was like, well, they just haven't been working out.
So they told me that since they have my photos,
they're going to make me the face of their club.
And I was like, are you kidding? Now? At this point,

(14:35):
I'm like, that's funked up. Had they told me that
before that, I would have been on some of the
other type of ship money thing, you know what I'm saying,
But again me not knowing and no one ever teaching
me anything. What else? You know, what was I supposed
to do? So at that point, again, I'm still talking
to the North Carolina man. I'm trying to get in

(14:57):
the porn at this point. For them pictures, you know,
they were go just pictures and all that. But I
didn't know no better. They got over on me, I
thought at the time. You know, now to this day,
I only been in that club one time, you know
what I'm saying, one time ever, But I was the
face of their you know that's kind of sucked up.
But I was the face of their club. Photos of

(15:17):
me all over the club. And what kind of club
was it? It was a bar up the bar club,
you know what I'm saying. So so who who wasn't
it introduce you into pouring as far as you ready
to go to. I ended up, um, finally being contacted
by Like I said, I had my photos on that

(15:38):
one site and I was still talking to that North
Carolina man with all the promises he gonna he's gonna,
We're gonna shoot me. You know, he's gonna send for
me this that you know this, And when I tell
you this one on about ten months and I just
started getting like fuck it, but still googling stuff because
I'm like, it's gotta be another way around, you know.

(15:59):
So I ended up contacting Evasive Angels a UM and
the man who owned that name was T T Boy.
I had seen little stuff online about him, you know
what I'm saying, when I could, because you know, I
always had kids around, so when I could, excuse me,
I had seen, um, you know, little stuff, so I've

(16:21):
seen it. I knew he had a raspy voice, like
it sounded like it was ashy like. So after IW
calling his phone, leaving messages with the secretary, emailing him,
sitting him, hella pictures, dude, mind driving got sets of
pictures now, like I got like over six D pictures.
You know what I'm saying between two different people. So

(16:44):
I'm like, okay, fine, ain't nothing gonna happen. I had
it was the beginning of the month. I had paid
all my bills. I um getting ready to go to
the grocery store. I'm in a cab, a taxi. I'm
getting ready getting a taxi. Before I get a taxi,
my phone rings. It's a man talking about Hi, This

(17:05):
d T boy who said, listen, you know, excuse my lange. Well, listen,
motherfucker's I cuts like a seller. Okay, yeah, listen to motherfucker.
Stop playing on my goddamn phone. This d T boy.
I'm like who, And I'm not thinking, because remind you,

(17:26):
I just sent the man a message. I don't think,
and how was I supposed to remember his name was
even d T boy? You know what I'm so he
kept I kept hanging up on him, and he kept calling.
So once I get in the cab and I'm right
at the door of the grocery store, he calls back,
now fucking liveing because I see the number. Now I'm
starting to remember the number, Like this, motherfucker, don't stop

(17:48):
playing on my goddamn phone. Not only money I have
is the money, you know, like my food stamps at
the time, and the money to get you know, household things.
Me and my me and my two youngest are in
the cab. We're getting out. I'm trying to pay the
cab driver. This motherfucker won't stop calling me, so eventually
I let him go ahead and talk, and he started

(18:11):
telling me he wanted me in Miami on a certain
day he gave me the day, you know, he was like, UM,
will pay you pay for your travel? And again I
didn't know nothing about nothing. You pay for you? You
want me to pay for my motherfucking travel and my hotel.
But he's telling me he's gonna give me half on

(18:31):
the hotel when I get there and half on the
travel and pay me to shoot. I'm thinking to myself,
this don't make no kind of goddamn sense, because it
all do you know what I found out? By the
time I came into the business, all those type of
things changed because especially for the big girls, the big

(18:52):
you know, the black DW and this you know, I
mean being a BBW, you know, porn star, they've made
it so hard for us, you know, the girls before me,
a lot of them before me, not all but a line.
But anyway, So once I go grocery shop, and I'm
at the grocery store and I'm stressed the funk out
because I don't know who this is. So I give
that home. I contact the man from North Carolina. Little

(19:13):
do I know he had been shooting girls in North
Carolina and selling the content to T T Boy, so
he was familiar with him. So after I X, I
told him who he was, and he was kept asking
me what the number was, you know, And I'm like, ship,
you could be telling me any of your motherfucker' thing.
You seem like everybody giving me the run rob, So

(19:36):
I ended up. He asked me, what's the phone num.
I don't want to give him the whole number because
if it was him, you know what I'm saying, that
ain't right to me to do nothing like that. So
I gave him the last couple of digits and he
was like, that is t T Boy, And I'm like,
the funk are you kidding me? But I'm still scared,
you know what I'm saying. So I called him back
after I go online. Now at this point, out I
know it's really him. I'm like, Okay, this is my

(19:57):
chance to get in, but I really don't have no
money because I didn't paid all my bills, you know
what I'm saying. I'm on a limited in cup. I
pay all my bills. I did all of that, the
wind grocery shopping. I look up flights from him telling
me where he needed me to be at this that
end that I looked up flights, I looked up hotels
that ship. The flight alone was a hundred dollars and

(20:21):
I gotta pay it up front, and you're gonna give
me half of it back. You know what I'm saying.
I know you. You say you're real, and he's saying
that it's really you. But I don't know. They could
be on some kidnap a bit ship him. You know
what I'm saying, I'm stressed out. Like he remind you,
it is six o'clock in the evening. He told me

(20:42):
he needed an answer from me by midnight. I'm saying,
I'm by myself. I don't know nobody. Yeah, granted, my
eunt telling me, go do this, go do that, Go
get in the magazine. But I'm trying to take it
a step further, you know what I'm saying, Because it
really wasn't too much to it was too hard to
figure out the magazine situation. It seemed to be a

(21:03):
little I got more information about movies, but couldn't get
the right get to the right people, you know, um
so so hot. I didn't go. I called him and
I told him like this my situation, like I didn't
have any money to be paying up front or anything

(21:24):
like that. I really didn't. I just paid my bills
and I had, you know, went to the store. You know,
I gotta buy tissue, and you know, you gotta budget
your ship out. I'm a mother before I'm anything. You
understand what I'm saying. I mean, my kids come first always. Yeah,
so my home and my kids Without either one of these,
I'm gonna be fucked up, you know. So, um, I

(21:47):
ended up not going, ended up passing it on and
he told me, then, well, then maybe next time we
can do some business. I'm gonna keep your information and
you know, we could do something again or whatever. So
I'm like, okay. So after that, a few days later,
ended up talking to the North Carolina guy and he
was like, why didn't you go? That was the best opportunity,

(22:09):
you know, And I'm telling him, I don't know if
any of your motherfucker's is really real, you know what
I'm saying, because you ain't sent for me yet. So finally,
finally the North Carolina guy ended up sending for me.
It was during some type of rain storm or something
they had going on in North Carolina. So I was
still shook because now I'm still going off with the
motherfucker I don't know. You know what I'm saying. He

(22:32):
ended up paying for my travel, pay for the room,
you know, a little closing play room or whatever. The
mail talent didn't show up the first day, so he
ended up keeping me another day. Now remind you this
was all on the contituencies of what they called content exchange.
After he explained everything to me, I started learning more
and by the time he has sent for me, has

(22:54):
started having conversations with other producers and they were all
saying the same thing. At this time. Beat At that time,
bb WS weren't making a lot of money. Why do
you think they's making a lot of money? Because the
BBWs beforehand fucked the game up. They would get the
money in advance runoff, don't don't they'll get the money.

(23:16):
The producers or the companies would send them the money
to book the ticket. They wouldn't show up. It was
just before I came into the business, Like I just
came in everything. Everything was funked up by the time
I got involved. I've been in seven years. OK. Yeah,

(23:38):
so I would say eight nine years ago was when
things eight and a half years ago, Well, I guess
when things started going bad. You know, what I mean.
And there was like Blacktail Magazine and like the main
people who actually went out the way and who promoted
and hired the black big girls. They like you know,

(24:00):
Internet came. You had the man from Blacktail magazine. He
died from what I understand, I never got a chance
to meet him, the original Blacktail magazine. He died just
before I came into building. He hired all the new girls,
make sure they stayed paid, make sure they had good gigs.
You know. Um, like I said, t T Boy, he
was the only one him and um there was another one.

(24:21):
I can't think of his name right now, but um
there was another magazine, I mean, another company that was
shooting the big girls too. But then they all started
coming down because of Internet on the prices like when
I tell you offering five hundred ship like that. So
my best, my best deal at that time was what

(24:42):
Evasive Angels was trying to give me. And I was
scared to go, you know what I'm saying. So, like
I said, I went. I shot with the um the
company from North Carolina. Everything was fine. The second day
the Maltwnley came. I did the scene. I had a
few little is I did the scene totally sober. That
was one issue because I'm my nerves was a wreck

(25:05):
to be So this was the first time that you
had sex with the middle talent, and you did a
sober yep, but you wanted to see how I was
gonna be O. I didn't. First of all, the man
like he paid for the room. I went down there
still on very little money, just a little money just
for emergencies. So you know, if anything happened, like I said,
the company, the man, the producer, he paid for my travel.

(25:28):
You know, well, excuse me, megabus m hm, you know
that long ass ride. He paid for all of that.
You know what I'm saying, paid for the hotel. You
pay for my food and stuff. But he doesn't drink
or smoke or you know, I don't smoke nothing, you
know what I'm saying. But he don't drink or whatever.
He don't do nothing. So you know, he wasn't buying
no damn liquor, you know what I mean. He made

(25:50):
that real clear, you know, But then says I was.
I didn't had no damn liquor, you know what I mean.
I ended up going to the store or and I
did buy a beer, but by the time the male
talent got off in his regular job, because most people
have a regular job in his industry. By the time
he got his regular job and got there and they

(26:10):
came like in the last minute, they called me, the
producer called him. It's like, okay, we're on our way.
I had the run rushed kit dressed. I come out
the bathroom like they got the keys to getting the
room reminders in their name. So when I come out
the bathroom there there, you know what I'm saying, the
male talent comes in, he uses the bathroom, we start shooting.
It was okay. I felt like I still have a

(26:35):
relationship with the male talent. You know what I'm saying.
He comes to my city because he drives truck or
whatever too, so when he comes up here, you know,
we go see him and you know we're talking, you know,
to spend time talking and stuff or whatever. You know. Um,
it was I felt kind of it felt strange. And

(26:56):
don't get it twisted. I've slept with Mothercker's. I ain't
no be four, you know what I'm saying. But it
was different for the camera and everything. I actually have
an audience. Yeah, I knew how to I know how
to be seductive, you know what I mean. I know
that I have the eyes you know when I'm looking,
I know, you know, it's just you just can't stare

(27:18):
into the camera, you know what I mean. You gotta
act like you don't know what's going on. But then
there was little incidents where the male talent, but he
had like bleeding like it was little ship that I
was like, okay, this is something wrong. He had shaved
cut like on his butt, so there was like a

(27:41):
little bit of drop like not drop, a little like
a little line of blood or whatever on it did
Because automatically I'm like, okay, is this mother fucking gay? Which,
don't get it sucked up. There's you know, I have
a lot of gay friends, you know what I'm saying.
So it's not that's not the that's not the situation.
The situation is you're fucking need yeah, and you bleeding

(28:04):
like you belied it from your asshole. What's he going on?
You know what I mean? So I'm paranoid like a motherfucker.
But he was really cute, he was really nice. He
was you know what I'm saying. He was he was
all right, he was all right. You know what I mean,
dick bigg as hell, you know what I mean. But
I mean, it ain't even about the dick being real
big is how you use it. You know. I did

(28:26):
run into some issues with my leg, like I that's
what I just went through now. But I just ran
in through some issues with one of my legs where
I realized that I have a problem, like with a nerve,
so a certain way that he would hit me, you
know what I'm saying, when he's sucking me that my
leg felt like it was given out. It was like
an aching, but it felt like it was like every

(28:47):
time he pumped, he hit a nerve from the back
and hurt so bad. You know what I'm saying. It
hurt is so fucking bad. Then when we did it,
you know what I'm saying, you know, just regular missionary style.
I had to kick him off of me because he
was hurting me, you know what I mean. And but
I can't let the camera know. I just literally just

(29:09):
you know, you threw my my legs back, pushed them
off of him, I mean off of me, pushed him
off of me. So you know, from that point on,
after doing that scene, before I even left there, I
had been um speaking to a trene here in my
city that was friends with my sister, went to school
with my little sister, and he had a website or she. However,

(29:30):
I don't want to do the pronouns wrong. You know.
She say she had a website, you know, so I
ended up asking her even before I left my city.
I asked her, could you contact your website people and
ask them if they could, you know, give me a
call or whatever. So they never called me on my
way down or now. All I was gonna be able
to put on it at that time. Remind you before

(29:50):
going to North Carolina was the pictures. I have no idea.
I'm still trying to do things on my own. I'm
knowing I need to have somewhere to just put everything
at because I know I can't put all of this
on Facebook. You know what I'm saying. I need motherfucker's
keep asking me for more and more pictures. I don't
want to be sending motherfucker's pictures in the inbox. I

(30:12):
know that you're supposed to get paid for it. Ask
you where you getting paid to pictures? No, that's why
I wasn't sending him. That's why I wanted a website.
You know what I'm saying. That's why I wanted a website,
so that you have to pay like any other website.
You gotta pay the joint, you know what I mean,
you gotta pay the seat. So um he ended like

(30:33):
I said, I didn't get no call from the web
master on the way there. I got the call just
before I started shooting, while everyone was in the room.
And it's remind you that this the hotel room. We're
all in the room. And I told the man I'll
call him back. I'm doing my first scene. So I
ended up calling him back. You know, we talked. He

(30:54):
told me, once I get everything, you know, send him
one fifty. And you know, he said, he'll start the
splash page right now. Just send him a couple of pictures.
So after the scene was over, I sent him a
couple of pictures so he could do the splash page
at very first page, and um, I picked. He sent
me three different ones I picked, and I ended up

(31:14):
sending him all the photos. He put all the photos on,
so I got a uh, but I don't got my
I didn't finish the scene. Now, this is what I'm
talking about about. I don't know. Motherfucker's I don't know
the game. Here I go again, So now I get
I come all the way. I stayed in North Carolina
for like five days. Remind you, I finished the scene

(31:35):
on the second day, so I ended up staying there
a couple of days more. You know, I end up
coming home. No, it was content exchange. It was a
content exchange where he could put it on his stuff
and I could use to remind you, I need the scene.
I got a sight, you know what I mean. I
went down there knowing I need something to prove that

(31:58):
I can do porn. See, if everyone could do it,
everyone would be a real porn star and not a
in your bedroom with the camera with you and your
man with your cell phone. You know what I'm saying.
If everyone could do it, everyone would be nominees, a warders,
would attend these shows, would be invited to do things,

(32:21):
would be on some of the products, and some of
the things. You know what I'm saying, would get endorsements.
Is everyone could do it. There's a big difference from
doing in your bedroom by yourself and who gives a
fuck you? You know whoever? You know, I know they
have all the other the free sites where people are
putting all those up. And I'm not taking nothing from

(32:43):
porn hub or anything else, because hell, I got some
half a minute ship up a porn hub too, you
know what I'm saying. But I don't keep I don't
indulge in constantly putting stuff up there because I prefer
I want to be paid correctly, not not a half
a penny or a penny for a movie. Do you
be paying more for certain things? You get paid more

(33:05):
for DP, which I don't do double penetration. I don't
feel like my ship is big enough for all that.
I feel like it's gonna bust through. You cannot put
a dick in my ass and in my couch. You
have to say too much. I'm not real big there,
so I just feel like it's gonna bust open. You know,

(33:28):
those and A know are the biggest for you know,
a female ain't no and um double penetration. So I
guess I ain't gonna never get no double penetration money
because I'm just not doing it. How much you pay
for double penetration, I don't know, but I know it's
the largest amount. I don't I don't need to know.
Because I'm not doing it right, I'm not doing it

(33:49):
not it's not for me. Ain't no, it's hard enough,
you know what I'm saying. So that's not I'm not
gonna get it from me. Yeah, when I was watching
the documentary and how like they try to stay away
from any like they wait until they got a couple
of years, and then when they do do it, it's
like they asked me out literally, Yeah, you're not going

(34:12):
to by the time you do it. That's why I
don't do it. Girls that do it and they have
their sights and stuff like that, I just choose not
to do it. I've done um ain't know, you know.
I mean I've done you know, my private life of course,
but that's been like when my baby daddies or something
like that. But um, as far as in the industry,

(34:32):
I've only done too antal scenes. Is there anything you
wouldn't do besides those two? I don't do dps. I
don't do cream pies, which is girl, I said, that's
the sling for the Caucasian people cream pies. Uh, girl,
that's come in you. I don't do that. First of all,

(34:53):
I have an issue with anything dripping out of me
like that for seventies. You know what I'm saying, Only
things should come out of a woman. It's her own body.
I feel. That's just how I feel on her own.
You know, your own juices and um, your period, right.
I just don't like all the drainage, you know what
I mean. I don't know because I'm single now. I

(35:14):
don't like the smell afterwards. I'm I mean each of them,
but I feel like, come make your pussy stay. Yeah,
but I did. When I was with my research, I
noticed that a lot of I guess in the industry,
they they don't condone condoms. They don't condone them. No,
because we're we're tested, like depending on who you're working with.

(35:36):
Me myself, I use talent testing services and I won't
watch that. I won't work with you. If you don't
use talent testing services, and I won't work with you.
Of your test is two weeks and all that, oh,
I mean each his own you know, I mean, you're
when you go through talent testing services, they have it

(35:57):
set up where two weeks and let you know, and
your two week mark comes, your three week mark comes,
your four week market and they say you need to
be tested again, because yeah, yeah, I'm real, I'm broadcast
mine m I put it out there, and it's not
even just for me to put it out there, because

(36:18):
the world will know if you went to these sites
and you know what I'm saying, and you typed in
my name and you know my information or whatever, I
broadcast myself right there. I don't I'm not ashamed, you
know what I'm saying. I don't give a fuck. I
raised my kids and never was a secret from my family,
you know what I'm saying. I got like one or

(36:39):
two people my family who would be telling me, oh,
you you don't gotta do this, and you don't gotta
do that. I ain't nobody making me do it. You know.
I do it because I want to do it, and
I do it because I'm good at it, and I
do it because I've built this brand, you know what
I'm saying, And it is. It's not an everlasting thing
that I'm gonna do till I know, but I started it.

(36:59):
I feel like I conquered it. I came in and
I blew through it. I got some of those paid
scenes when nobody else was getting them at a certain
at a certain point, I own my own own a
lot of my rights to you know what I'm saying.
I shot with some people that a lot of people
that when B b W said they were never when

(37:21):
they said that they weren't male talent. Okay, For one,
Wesley Pipes, I worked with him. He wasn't working with
big girls anymore at the point that I worked with him.
You know what I'm saying. I got hired by a
company from Cali Um. I told a friend of mine,

(37:42):
which is another male talent, that I did my very
first anal scene with me and him were like like, huh, girl,
but it like this. He's good at what he does,
but it's the camera mm hm. He's basic, Like you

(38:04):
know what I mean. But he's great. He's a great
porn star, a great talent, and I mean that. I
know people call him the ship talker you always got.
I got guys who be like, yeah, he talked too much,
but you'll asked to sit there and listen and laugh along.
He has humor and what he does. But he's very,
very good. He's very he will teach you what you

(38:27):
don't know. You know what I'm saying, I'm learned a
lot about yourself. Yeah, I learned a lot. Actually, the
first time I squirted was with him. I didn't know
I've had an excel Useter didn't never tell me that,
like when I'm riding his face or something, that I'd
be squirting. I didn't know. Hell he'd be busy cleaning

(38:47):
it all up. So I had idea. I didn't know
ship you know what I'm saying. And I was because
that was my people, you know what I'm saying. So
when I was asked to do these things with Wesley,
you know, I guess they took it to him and
wanted to make sure that I was what he wanted

(39:09):
to work with. And I was a fresh face, you
know what I'm saying. I was even though I had
been in the industry for like two years, I was
still considered a fresh face. I didn't. I still limit
who I work with, Like a lot of the girls
is just going and working with Tom Dick and Harry.
I'm very choosing and there's been a lot of people
who have asked me to work with them, and I

(39:30):
told him no, you know what I'm saying, I just
have issues with a lot of because it has to
be beneficial for me, just because you work with Jane
and Lisa and Kelly. Don't mean that that's what I
want on my ship. Don't mean that, you know what
I mean. You might look good on camera with gunshot
wounds and and stab marks on on Lord's sight, but

(39:54):
I don't won't know stabbed up motherfucker on my site.
I feel like I do enough for that with the
track marks and all that. Yeah, when I was on
your page, I felt like, well I was on your
site because life into my research. I feel like most
of the men kind of like you got like they
kind of they don't look alike, but they kind of
like they don't look crazy. Yeah, I'm real picky. I'm

(40:16):
very very picky on who I deal with and and
I know a lot of people, like you know, there's
a particular company and I love him. His name is
Ki from BBW. Hydhway shouts out to him. You know
what I'm saying, Um Ken Run's quite like about two
or three different companies. He's you know, he still shoots
the big girls. Then now he's into just the girls

(40:37):
with the big booties, you know, different type of stuff,
you know, and with him he is he shot some
stuff for me, but he's like as far as companies
like he started telling people. This is recently is when
I really realized that he knew that I took what
I do seriously. And we were in Vegas and someone

(40:58):
came in and they were doing like a weekend a
marathon shoot during a d in wartime, and I was
staying at the house like he've been rented like a
mansion or whatever. So that first night that I was there,
since I came in so late, he picked me up
an airport and I stayed at the house. So that
following morning, I'm getting dressed so I can go through
my testing while I'm out, and they is and someone

(41:18):
comes in and the guy sees me and he's like,
oh my god, is that her? Wait a minute, wait
wait what's her name? And he told her mind or whatever,
and then the guy was like, well, if she shooting.
By this time, I'm walking in the room, but I
hear everything. He was like, Yo, you know, she really
ain't ain't shooting, but I'm sure she will shoot. But
you know you gotta pay her right because do you

(41:40):
have do you have the prices for things? Depending on
if I for certain companies like now, the manager that
I have now because remind you that, um, the people
who did come to Buffalo with the wife and everything,
they ended up being my managers. They ended up I
ended up. But he didn't know anybody. He don't know anybody.

(42:02):
Me and him ended up in a relationship, and the
whole fucking nine it went, you know, it went totally
to the left, It went where shouldn't have went, you
know what I'm saying. And now my manager who I have,
now we were friends for a long time, and I
ended up telling him, like you know, he was handling
certain things. Because men in this industry are vultures. They

(42:26):
take advantage of the girls. And and it's the black men.
I love my brothers, but a lot of the producers
in this industry, especially the East Coast producers take advantage
of the girls. You know what I'm saying. They really
really do a lot of them. You know, they're they're

(42:47):
just not into helping the girls with anything. Like I
just don't think it makes any sense for you to
sit tell a girl to come to your city or
whatever to shoot you not paying her. It's gonna be
content exchange, you know. But see, some of these girls
don't even have websites. Don't know how to set up clips.
Stores don't have you know, don't have any weird to

(43:10):
post their stuff at. And the thing these days is
because of the way the Internet has tooken over so much.
Either you're gonna get paid by your company, or you're
gonna decide to do your own website and own your material.
You know what I'm saying. If you own your material,
I mean there's good and there's bad. You can get

(43:30):
paid by this company. You only get paid one time.
You gotta remember that that's it. This is not a
you get paid back to back. You know you're gonna
keep getting a check, and that's not how it works.
It has that has ever been a scene where you
didn't feel comfortable doing and you're just like, now, I'm
not doing it. I had a scene She's a sweet lady.

(43:55):
I think it was the worst, one of my worst scenes.
I've had three scenes that I feel I shouldn't ever did,
and one was I loved the lady. Once again, it
wasn't her, it was her male talent. And I don't
give people no I don't care. I do name drop

(44:15):
um when it comes to this kind of stuff, because
they know how I feel. I worked for Busty Baby Downs.
Everybody loves the scene. I hate the scene. I hate
the scene, and I think because before you get ready,
even though you don't have time to get to know
a person. This particular man that I worked with for her,

(44:36):
I had time to get to know him for maybe
a year before she ended up, you know what I'm saying,
contacting me and asking me to shoot with her. I
tried to get on her site for years, and she
kept denying me. She said I didn't have enough attributes.
Whatever the funk that is? Yeah, Like, what what's she means?

(44:58):
I guess my ass wasn't big enough. My titties ain't
on the floor, you know what I'm saying. Like, you know,
but I have a different look like a lot of
the girls in the industry look alike, you know what
I'm saying. And I don't feel like I look like
any of them. What I'm saying, even like we all
got a little pouches or whatever. You know, Well I
got a big pouch, but whatever, I'm a big girl.

(45:23):
But at that time, I was shooting back to back
to back to back for a company called p y
T out of New York and UM his name is
pretty So I was shooting for him NonStop, back to
back to back to back, you know. And I think
because they had a big b b W party going
on out there, um for pipes, I went and it's

(45:46):
like at that point when I was going out there,
I had like six people different companies that wanted to
shoot with me, all at the same time. And that's
when she jumped on the bandwagon and was like, I'm like, oh,
now you want work with the bitch that don't have
enough attributes. So at that my price played in my benefit,

(46:09):
you know what I'm saying. But then I also had
knew that the BBWs sucked the game up they did,
you know, versus it before it got so bad where
everything needs to be content exchange or whatever. But she
was pretty good. She paid me. She kept trying to
get me to do a no, and I would have
done ain't no, but the male talent rubbed me wrong.

(46:30):
Remind you, I have been talking to this man for
a year before that, and I didn't want to go
to the location that she wanted me to come to.
So I said, the only reason, the only way that
we would do the shooting, she had to come to
me because I ain't too keen about getting on the
trains in New York City by myself, you know what
I'm saying. At that point, I was like, shoot, I
ain't trying to get robbed. I ain't trying to you know,

(46:51):
I was going through it. So she ended up coming
to my room or whatever. She had him come to
the room. Do you know this motherfucker came in my
room and didn't even speak to me. And maybe I'm
old fashioned or something, but when he came and I
was like, hey, he didn't even speak to me. He
wouldn't be you know, he talked to her, not literally,
it's just me, him and her in the room. He

(47:11):
would not speak to me in no way, shape or form.
What kind of fucking bullish it is? This? I felt
totally disrespected, you know what I'm saying. He didn't say,
I said, what kind of bullshit? Is all right? Because
I thought that was real rude. But I'm trying, right,
m I was trying to be professional about it, you know,

(47:34):
and not go off because normally I'll cut you the
funk out. You know what I'm saying, This is my
motherfucker room. She ain't paid for this room. Yet she's
paying me. You know what I'm saying. She's a wonderful
you know, wonderful young lady, beautiful woman, beautiful, pretty, a sale,
you know what I'm saying. Very easy to get along with,
easy to work with. But him, there was absolutely no

(47:56):
chemistry because of his attitude, so you would just turn
I was totally turned off. Then the motherfuck came out
the bathroom. I didn't know what the funk he had on.
I didn't understand it. He was not a track at
this point. Not only is you ugly inside, to me,
you look like a fucking idiot on the outside walking

(48:17):
out here with all these goddamn stripes and colors and
stripes going this way, colors going that way. What is
going on? And I'm like, what do you got on?
He said, all the girls like it? I said, on what? Not?
On earth? So anyways, we end up doing the shoot.
That is when I really really came to my mind,

(48:41):
like I didn't have never have any problems. You know,
I tested through telling, testing all the time. But that's
when I started finding out that girls in the industry
truly was sucking dicks. Some of them, not gonna say
all of them, Some of them would be okay with
giving head without a condom, but fucking with the condom
one to me, it makes no sense. Yeah, the same

(49:03):
thing you get the mouth you give you. You know
what I'm saying. And I don't want nothing either place. Well,
I know that you said that you got you get tested,
um tested offense. Has there ever been a ton that
you've been afraid of getting any stvs? There was a guy.
Actually that's not that same weekend it was all wasn't
that was it? No, it wasn't that same weekend when

(49:26):
I was. There was another weekend when in New York
and there was a fairly new talent that my people
used before. He was the only one out of the
whole group that I made use a condom because his
test was late. And I'm not with it if I
feel any type of way and I can't find a
pattern of testing, you know what I'm saying. You're gonna
do talent tested services. Your stuff stays on record, you

(49:49):
know what I mean. I just don't. I don't take chances.
I'm not into you know. Mother's like, well okay, now
I just go to my doctor. Hell no, yeah, you
can do that. And I'm gonna look at it, but
I need you to go today. I needed to be
if you got tested and we know a month before
I'm gonna need you to you go to your doctor

(50:10):
for that month before, you know, while we prepare ourselves
and you know, before we come up to that date
of the time of shooting. You know, you can have
a pattern of you know, I need I would like
to see a pattern of cleanliness, you know what I'm saying.
But when it comes time to do this shoot, you
need to be going at least those three days before
this time for us to do that shoot. I'm really

(50:32):
not big on a person who've been tested thirty days ago. Um.
I feel that that's a problem, and I don't feel
that you're serious about your craft. Yeah, because it's bad
enough within three days. A mother can can funt the
world in three days, let alone. And that's why when

(50:53):
it's something from my website, I watch you. I watch
your social media. You know what I'm saying. I want
watch the different ship, the comments that go up, the
comments that the stats you put up. I watched because
I need to see. I need to see what type
of lifestyle you're actually living. I watch your lives I
do all of that, you know what I mean? Because

(51:15):
I want to see if you're promiscuous, it sex even
pleasurable for you anymore? Though? Yes it is when I'm
with somebody, I want to be with m But is
it hard for you to open up to somebody, let
them know exactly what you like? There's another profession that
you're in. No, because most people already know. Most already know,

(51:37):
Like in my city, they're watching my movies, they already
know who I am. I got a large fan I
got fans here. I don't feel like my city supports
like they should. I don't feel But soon does a
new movie come and I put it out that there's
a new movie. You know what I'm saying. They're constantly well,
let me get it, let me get it, you know

(51:57):
what I'm saying. I know for a fact that there's
a out of my movies that are being bootlegged in
my city. Because if it's not authentic and it didn't
come from some of the places here that is actually
selling it, that I would, you know, you know, do
business with in my city. Anything that comes from me,
I am burnt onto the CD. Wow, that's why not

(52:21):
the sticky tape ship that they put on, you know,
the front of the seat. No burnt on. I pay
the money for me to be burnt on because I
feel that it's a keepsake. You know what I'm saying.
This has come. It's authentic, and it's not just like
my face. No, there's a body purpose a titty, titty
in my mouth, my pussy, hands in my pussy. You know,

(52:42):
I was on your website. I was like, oh, she
she's busting it open open, like I said, Okay, So
I'm pretty sure that many times that you've been on
in the street and people can't come up to you
and be like, hey, that's going so well in my
regular everyday life is as funny as you're saying it is.
Because my graphics artists always complains about it. I am

(53:05):
the most dressed down person when I tell you, I
walked two blocks to the Family Dollar. You know what
I'm saying. Everybody on my street knows about the industry,
except for the new family that moved over here. But
I walked to Family Dollar. I put a scarf for
in my head and I always look, you know, my
piercing in my eyebrow. I put the scarf on where

(53:28):
I would constantly be pulling it over it because I
don't want everybody to know, you know, what I'm doing.
Like I want to be able to walk to the
store and be dressed down. But the one thing I
don't want them to do is see me off guard
and realize who I am and start taking pictures you
know what I'm saying and putting it on social media
because I'm looking busted. Yeah, I ain't got all that

(53:49):
makeup on. And that's the one thing that people seem
to think is that we wake up like that. You know.
It's so funny because when I'm out, like the most part,
I'm always on. But when i'm off, like I have
to put on shades and stuf because I do not
want people seeing me like they're like, sometimes you just
want me to yourself. Yeah, And the moment you say
no to a picture like you would say no, it's
not feeling like you're not feeling well. I feeling up

(54:09):
to speak to somebody that people say, yes they do.
I'm just tired. I mean, I got on dragon pants,
T shirt. Look at funk up us. Push your bra
because these mothers, these puppies ain't sitting up saying hello, Now,
push up, bra. You know, so I wear sports brad

(54:34):
at work. You know what I'm saying, I'm kind of
hold these motherfucker's down. Say don't get in a way,
you know, and I did. It was crazy because there
was a deaf guy that actually knew who I was. Child.
They started discussing it, and I had a guy at
my job that I was I was. I ain't gonna
I'm very attracted to him, very attracted to him, you

(54:55):
know what I'm saying. Every time he touches me and
just like, oh, I get that, you know that little
a little Yeah. So when he like one day him
grabbing my arm or some ship and trying to talk
to me, and I was like oh, and like I'll
say little things and I'm like, oh, I need to
fucking massage my back hurt and so bad. He like,
I can besside you. Didn't he make a little you know, stop,

(55:15):
don't play with me, boy, because I'll suck around and
take it. Okay, Now he knows to date the the
deaf boy did a little sign language one day and
I noticed, Yo, the black dude he knew about who
I was. Awesome. Me and him had disgusted it. He knew,

(55:36):
you know, but I know he never he hadn't told anyone.
The deaf boy says something to him about it, and
the black dude head just turned. He was like, and
I'm like, talk about what? And he said, he knows
who you are. And I'm like, oh the funk, here
we go. So here I go. I'm coming. You know
what I'm saying, Um down the hall, and I just
wouldn't reached out and shook his hand. Yes it's me.

(55:57):
I just nodded up and down y'all and shook his head.
And then he put his hands up, asked to say zip.
His mouth is closed. He'll never say nothing about him child.
Wait see do your kids yeah yeah, oh m hmm.
Not kids support. I've took in my youngest with me
to a convention a couple of years ago. Um, she's

(56:21):
eight team when she was eighteen, I took her to
a convention because she does here and does make up.
And it's easier when I got someone with me, because
I do so much. I have really came to a
realization like I need an intern. You know what I'm saying.
I need help. It's hard when you got shoots I

(56:42):
got appearances, and then I gotta be at the convention
and appear there too in these hills. Then I gotta
rush back to the room, change clothes, take a shower,
trying to look through my suitcase for figure out what
outfit I want to win Here, I got fifteen. When
I say, I take everything, including the kitchen, sink, in

(57:04):
the tub, and in the shower head too. I have
one suitcase all the time with nothing but shoes. You
know what I'm saying, Because that's the difference from me
and a lot of the other girls. I like the
My my wardrobe is so very important. My shoe game
is on fucking point. I like shoes and things that

(57:26):
nobody else is wearing. Most of these girls, most of
the girls were the same thing. You know, the stretchy
outfit that you get for twelve or fifteen dollars out
there here store, you know, with the with the holes
and the fishing holes or whatever. You know what I mean.
I like things that stand out that's gonna make you
look double take. You know what I'm saying. I like

(57:47):
to look different. You know, So my shoe game and
my my outfit is very important. You know, you're like
I said, everyone looks alike, and I don't want to
be looking nor act just like anyone else. I and
me and I'm different. You know, some people could say,
you know, like the shoes, they'd be like, how are
you walking in those? One ft in front of the other? Bit?

(58:08):
You know what I'm saying. You know, I get a
lot of moments on the clothing and the shoes and
different stuff like that. You know, a lot of big
girls can't stand and know what I call whole heels.
You know what I'm saying. They are wearing the fat heels,
which ain't nothing wrong with the fat heels. But what
works for my body is what I wear and I
don't feel. Yeah, That's how I've made my image, you know,

(58:33):
talking about my clothing and stuff. I went to Texas
and a radio show wanted me to come in and
before I didn't even know they what what. They asked
me for interview. When I got to Texas, to come
into the studio and they will do the interview. But
the day before I left, they called me talking about
they wanted they all want to know what I'm wearing,

(58:53):
what I'm gonna be bringing, what type of shoes that's
what brought me to like that? These people really like
my style, you know what I mean. So I'm just different.
Defer what's next after form? Well for you, I am
in the process of getting ready to start trying to
write a book. I've spoke to, you know, a few people,

(59:16):
and one person the price. He told me because my life.
I mean, I'm not no eighteen year old. Seventeen year old,
you know what I'm saying. So I've had so much
happen to me in my life. When I say a lot,
a lot, from being molested to being raped, abuse, you
know what I'm saying, by the kids, fathers. You know
what I'm saying. Um, you know, drugs, I've done it.

(59:39):
I've been through it, I did stay time. I mean,
I've had so much. So it's like I'm writing it down.
I'll go crazy trying to do this. So what someone
told me to do after speaking to this um this
company about me writing the book and stuff, they told
me to just verbally recorded, right, you know what I'm saying,
Just record and then they'll go through and listen to

(01:00:02):
the tapes. That's a lot of damn tapes. Then I
could never do that, so that end I'm also getting
ready to um release. I have the the the promos
from my eyelashes and stuff. So I got that. I've got,

(01:00:23):
I've chosen the boxes that I want to use. I'm
saying because I've already been branded. You know, I'm already
on Rated X energy drink. I am a face of
an energy drink. I my whole body is on an
energy drink can nice. You know that's the You will
see that on the website too, you know what i mean.

(01:00:44):
The picture that's actually you know what I mean, the
the logo and all that Rated X that's on the
website because yeah, because I am on their can, like
literally on there, you know. So, And it's crazy that
I'm be talking about that because the same person who
owns that can in that company is actually running for
an office in New York City. Wow, Like everyone had

(01:01:09):
a past, and you know what I'm saying, But you
can't let your future define what you're you know what
I'm saying. Whatever you did in your past, you know,
do you think that the things that happened to you
as well, I don't know the age, but being molested
and raping, you think that had a lot to do
with you be in the point star. I think with

(01:01:30):
me knowing how to do certain things, it's because you
had to be taught, right mm hmm, you know. And
the I see the person regular who molested me, really
it's my and I'm really not like I told you
when before we decided to do this, when you contacted me, like,

(01:01:52):
there is no shame in my game. And I don't
know how I'm gonna go about it, but that will
be part of some chapter of my book. My door,
my sister's father what I'm saying, and and you know,
I love my mother, you know what I'm saying. And
I was raised by you know, between my mother and
my grandmother. But at the end of the day, I
feel like my mother knew. M M. How is your

(01:02:14):
relationship with her now? It's not good at all. Like
she sends my mother lives in Virginia, and she sends me,
you know, cards, sends my kids cards. You know what
I'm saying. She talked to the kids whenever she wants whatever,
you know, But as far as me and her, I can't.
I just can't. You know, when you tell your child

(01:02:35):
things like you're just trying to take my man and
you and I'm eleven, twelve years old, and I've told
you what was going on, you know what I'm saying,
And you know I didn't. I was the first one
to tell her. My my sister's godmother told her, you know,
and I ran away, ended up getting picked up and

(01:02:59):
was you know, play send a facility, and my mother
came to see me, and I refused to leave with
them because I knew what I was going back to,
you know what I'm saying. I refused to leave. She
comes in with the very motherfucker that's doing this to me,
and I tell her about it, and she's in the
facility telling me that I'm just trying to break them up,
and I'm trying to take her man, and I'm telling

(01:03:19):
you that, you know, I'm twelve years old, and they
definitely part because if you're telling somebody something's going on
with you, that's being done by being done by somebody
that she has a relationship with, like and old send
you that relationship literally, you know how like when you're
if you have a closet in your room, you know,

(01:03:40):
that's how close our bedrooms was me and my mother.
You can't tell me on a daily basis that you
didn't know, and I'm being threatened with, you know, like
if I'm if I'm sneaking out the house my mother
at work and I'm going to see your little boy
or whatever, and he's coming by the house when she's gone,

(01:04:02):
and him telling me, well, I'm gonna if you don't
do this, I'm gonna tell that you did this. You
was going to see that boy and you was going
to you know whatever, whatever, And you're twelve years old,
You're scared. Yeah, so I'm going along with it, right,
you know, but me not me knowing it's wrong, but
nobody listening to me. But this is my only way,

(01:04:24):
you know what I'm saying, because like my mother, you know,
I don't want to be put out on the street
at twelve years old, Like what am I supposed to do?
And so when I ran away, like the last time,
I was like it, it was like it, I just
refused to come home. So I've been raising myself literally,
you know what I'm saying. To be honest, I've been
raised myself. Even though I lived in a house with

(01:04:44):
my mother or whatever, but pretty much ten years old,
I've been pretty much on my own. So I was
ten years old. I've been taking care of somebody's kids,
my sisters, all my brothers, you know, my father's kids,
all of that since I was ten years old, you
know what I'm saying. So you know, when you're thinking
you're gonna be put outside and ship, you ain't got

(01:05:05):
no choice, you know what I mean. You want to
do what you have to do, you know, And I
was at twelve, and you know, it's just I feel
like I perfected the craft because I was taught it. Wow,
you know what I'm saying. And you know I was.
You do you ever think about if things wouldn't happen

(01:05:25):
to you, that you probably would went down different paths?
You know what I do? Like I started picking older men. Yeah.
My oldest daughter's father seven and a half years older me,
and I feel to this day he's a fucking pedophile.
I feel like he is too, because he was seven
and a half years older than me. He was holding
my hand at seven years old. I was put in

(01:05:47):
positions I feel that a child should never have been
put in. I kill a rock. I was very protective
of my girls, you know what I'm saying, especially my
youngest to my oldest is you know much older, you
know what I mean. But my youngest too, very I
didn't have boyfriends, you know what I'm saying, Like years old,

(01:06:08):
I adn't have niggers up in my motherfucking house. Listen,
I didn't even when my brothers would be here along
with my kids, would be on here by my other
houses along with my kids. I questioned it because I
was molested by the very person that I loved to death,
the very person who defended me when my mother was
getting ready to what me or you know what I'm saying,

(01:06:31):
the very person that I trusted more than anybody, you
know what I'm saying, And the very person who sucked
the ship out of a little girl. Yeah, you know.
So you know, I do believe that when I finally
left home, you know, with my oldest daughter's father. I

(01:06:51):
do believe that had I not been chasing behind some
to me, it was looking for love and all the
wrong places. Had I not been chasing behind him, I
would of stayed in school and did what I needed
to do. I was an honor roll, you know what
I'm saying. I was doing great. I had a few
funk ups, like taking cans of beer to school and

(01:07:13):
drinking it in the lunch room. Doing stupid ship gets
suspending for dumb ship. I don't even ask what made
my head stupid. But when I sit back and think
of some of the ship I did, I still think
it was reaching out. I needed help, you know, articulated

(01:07:37):
the best way you knew how. Yeah, I needed help,
you know? And and and I didn't have nobody to
help me or to tell me. Nothing like literally a
kid raising herself. You know what, do you have any regrets?
You know what? I love all my kids, but wish
kids I could never do it again. Um. You know,

(01:08:01):
my oldest daughter's father, I truly regret regret him because
I feel like had I not been looking for love
and all the row places, But who's to say if
it wasn't him, it wasn't someone gonna be someone else.
But I do think that he took a lot of
self esteem from me. I feel like when he manipulated me,
I was still a kid. You know what I'm saying.

(01:08:22):
I felt like he was taking care of me. But
then abuse, You know what I'm saying. I did what
I learned, what I was taught, like the abuse and
abuse and being abused, and like this motherfucker really did
things to me that you know, nobody should ever held.
The first Cara ever bought was for him. You know

(01:08:43):
what I'm saying. It was because I thought this motherfucker
loved me. I thought when a motherfucker beat your ass,
that that was what you're supposed to you know what
I mean, You're supposed to stay because my mother did
it right. You know, I feel like I broke the
site go because out of every woman on my mother's
side of family, they stayed down to my grandmother, they

(01:09:06):
stayed because that's all I knew was to kid, get
your ass beat. You know what I'm saying. I'm getting
beat down at home. I'm getting beat down, you know
what I'm saying by the man that I think I love.
You know what I mean all of that. You're granted
he took me in, but hell, I wouldn't have got
put out if I wasn't creeping off with him, right,

(01:09:26):
you know what I'm saying. So it was just like
it's a it's a psycho saying it's a psycho. And
this is why I've really I as far as you know, um,
as far as my kids, I didn't really have men
living in my household, you know, as my When my
oldest daughter left home and she was out the house,

(01:09:49):
I finally started dating again, and I was so scared.
You know, I was terrified because I still had to work.
I had money put up, but I still kept on working.
But I was still scared leave my kids with that motherfucker. Right.
So it was a constant, every day, constant asking questions.
You know what I'm saying, did he touch you? Did anybody?
You know? I would do things to my kids like

(01:10:11):
you know, And it's also one of those things that
you was asking because you wanted somebody to ask you that. Yeah,
nobody reached out. It wasn't really. I just was protective
and I had to make choices like damn, can I
go to work or do I? Oh, I don't not
to blame him for what was done to me, you
know what I'm saying. But I don't trust nobody. But

(01:10:31):
no kids like this. In church, everyone is not holy, yeah,
you know, everyone is not the you know, it's not
safe to leave your kids around. But it was like, Okay,
he's living in my house. I take care of his
daughter and my own kids, but I gotta go to work.
It's choices you have to make. And I you know,

(01:10:52):
and I was grateful. I'm grateful that God blessed my
kids enough to know to you know, because to be able.
They can come to mom and hell, mommy, don't be
I used to always tell them, you know, you don't
never got to be scared. Mother on to that they're
gonna kill me. Ship. I got a double bear sawed
off for each and everyone Upenny bullets to this double
bear sawed off. You know what I'm saying. It's in

(01:11:12):
my house with me. Now. That's my name. And on
that note, and y'all have any questions, any concerns, any calmness,
you want to get to know my guests more has
been really literally one of my favorite episodes. Please email

(01:11:34):
me at hello at the Professional Homegirl dot com And
until next time, guys. Later