My Mother Gave Me Away to a One-Arm Gay White Man

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome one and all to the Professional Homegirl Podcast. Before
we begin today's episode, we want to remind you that
the views and opinions expressed on this podcast are those
of the host and guests and are intended for educational
and entertaining purposes. In this safe space, no question is
off limits because you never know how someone's storyline can
be your lifeline. The Professional Homegirl Podcast is here to

(00:22):
celebrate the diverse voices, stories and experiences of women of color,
providing a platform for authentic and empowering conversations. There will
be some key king, some tears, but most importantly a
reminder that tough times don't last, but professional homegirls do
enjoy the show.

Speaker 2 (00:48):
Hey, professional homegirls, ishagara ebine here and I hope all
is cute? Okay Now. On this week's episode of the
Professional Homegirl Podcast, my guest her amazing journey of self discovery, identity,
and resilience. Now growing up in a sundowntown, my guests

(01:08):
had no idea, y'all that she was black, and she
spent years navigating a world where she struggled to find
her place. My guest opens up about being given away
to her father as a baby. The emotional whirlwind of
meeting her mother for the first time, and the profound
impact of learning her true identity, from confronting the realities

(01:28):
of race to breaking generational curses. Y'all, this raw and
eye opening conversation is a testament to shrimp growth and
the power of reclaiming one story. So get ready, chill
because my mother gave me a way to a one
armed gay white man starts now, y'all. Me and my
guess was just Key King. So we're gonna start before

(01:49):
we get too deep into Key King. But to my guest,
thank you so much for being on the show. How
are you doing? How you feeling?

Speaker 3 (01:56):
I feel good and I'm so happy to be here
with you.

Speaker 2 (01:59):
Yes, you know, I just want to get this out
the way and give you your round of applause because
this book it really resonated with me because one I
don't have a relationship with my mother, and two my
listeners know this, but I recently just started speaking to
my father, who I never met since Christmas. So when
I was really reading your story, it really gave me hope.

(02:21):
It really did.

Speaker 3 (02:22):
I love that, and congratulations.

Speaker 2 (02:25):
Thank you, thank you. So did you ever feel nervous?
About how people, especially those who were in your life,
would react to your truth.

Speaker 3 (02:33):
Oh of course, yeah, I'm nervous right now talking to
you and knowing that another person in my life is
going to hear this. Yeah, of course, I've got a
lot of my story that doesn't sit well with some people,
doesn't feel right. It makes people a little bit uneasy,
And so of course I do carry that fear that

(02:55):
I'm going to turn someone off, that I'm going to
upset someone that's been in my path, you know, over
these years. So it's a fear of mine, to.

Speaker 2 (03:03):
Be honest, Have they have somebody came to you and like,
try to curse.

Speaker 3 (03:06):
You out, not curse me out. But I've gotten several messages.
I've gotten messages like from people from my hometown. People
you know that I grew up with people from my family,
and I do believe that they are reaching out with
the best of intentions to cover themselves and feeling But

(03:29):
you know, it's a hard conversation to have, but I
had to swallow and say, you know what, it's time,
it's time to talk about it. It's time to get
what my story is out there. And then however that
makes them feel you know, we cross that bridge when
we get there.

Speaker 2 (03:43):
Yeah, I can only imagine how difficult it was for
you to try to balance everything between your story where
you from, which is a well known sundown town. You know,
your parents, your grandparents, Like I can only imagine the
things you were do, emotions you had to navigate with that.

Speaker 3 (04:00):
Yeah. I mean you think about the heart and the
root of my story being my grandmother and where I
grew up. She lives with me today. I know anytime
I get ready to do an interview, something's going to happen.
I say, hey, listen, heads up, I just want to
let you know what I'm talking about. And it's so
funny to, you know, just preface and get her ready.

(04:21):
But she's so loving and so understanding, and she's just like, baby,
is your story?

Speaker 2 (04:28):
Has she ever apologized to you about anything? Because I
feel like this is a full circle moment and I
can only imagine the culture that she's starting to that
she learned living in your household, because you have a black,
black household.

Speaker 3 (04:40):
We are we have black and black in this house, right,
So she the way that she approaches it is delicate
and with so much respect. It is, but it's also
to like the extent of her knowledge. Right, she's eighty
five years old, raised in Selma, Alabama, and then lived
the rest of her life. Invite her. She's not college educated,

(05:04):
you know, she has a certain level of not only
emotional intelligence, just intelligence about the world. She's never left,
you know, two states, and so our conversations go as
far as they can go, and then I take her
the rest of the way.

Speaker 2 (05:20):
Yeah, yeah, thank god she's still around eighty five. That's
a blessing. And then be living in Houston, child, I
know she'd be seeing some shit like.

Speaker 3 (05:33):
You know what every now and then I've got it.
I've got a checker, to be honest, and it's.

Speaker 2 (05:39):
Our already know, I already know.

Speaker 3 (05:42):
I talked to my therapists two weeks ago about it,
and I will go through everything. And my therapist is
so good at understanding kind of our dynamic and where
my grandmother comes from, where everything, and she helps me
level set and she helps me make sure that I
take care of myself first. Yeah. Yeah. You know.

Speaker 2 (06:01):
One of the things that I noticed within your story
is how the number ten kept coming up so like
with ten therapy sessions after your mother passed. It took
you ten years to write this book. You was making
ten K before you left your job, before you left
your job to do your business, And when I was
looking up the number ten, it means completeness.

Speaker 3 (06:21):
That Yeah. And I don't know if you I didn't
share this in the book, but then I had my
biological father for ten years before he died.

Speaker 2 (06:30):
Oh wow, and then used your mom for ten years.

Speaker 3 (06:32):
To come on, it's unbelievable. It is a Yeah, you're
the first person who's picked up on that very directly. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (06:41):
I'm like, ten is like that's like your your angel
number or something.

Speaker 3 (06:45):
M hmoh.

Speaker 2 (06:46):
They just gave me chills. Like right now, I feel
like we're about to be key King and child because
I can't wait to get you to get to your
college experience because I was like girl girl now growing up,
What were you told about your birth mother?

Speaker 3 (07:06):
Well, I was told that she passed away. Number one.
The very first thing that I knew was that you know,
she passed away, That my mother was addicted to drugs,
that she had HIV, which they said she had AIDS.
It had turned the AIDS and she had passed away.
My mother did have HIV. My mother was an attic,

(07:29):
was an alcoholic, all the things. But she she did
not die, She did not pass away. So when I
was growing up, I thought that my mom had passed
away until until I was eighteen, and so they did
tell me. They told me that she was Hawaiian, which
my mom is. She was Samoan, and so they were

(07:50):
close in terms of the Pacific Island thing. But they
also told me that she and my father had a relationship,
that she and the manhood adopted to me my father,
that they were together, and that she decided that she
didn't want me and she gave me to my father
full time. That was the story, and then she passed away,
and that's all I was told.

Speaker 2 (08:11):
I feel like they really came up with this elaborate
story instead of was just like, listen, girl, this is
what your mother, this is what happened.

Speaker 3 (08:19):
Yeah, so when you heard this, go ahead, I was
just going to tell you that when it really came
to my mind. One of the things that I think
about is my grandfather. He really struggled with the fact
that my dad, who adopted me, was gay, and he
struggled with it. That was his firstborn, that was his
only son, and whenever I had been around for a while.

(08:44):
He was allergic to morphine. And I had this go
kart accident when I was about seven years old, right
after my dad had passed, and I found out in
the hospital I was allergic to morphine. My grandfather took
that as he was happy about it. He was like,
I knew you were his child for real, I knew

(09:07):
my son. So that later on the way I processed
that was that's how much he wanted it to be
true that his son had, you know, had.

Speaker 2 (09:17):
A relationship with a woman.

Speaker 3 (09:19):
Yes, crazy, And I said, okay, that makes sense. I
feel like, while the story was elaborate, while it was bizarre, white,
it was left field. I'm almost like, did he start believing?

Speaker 2 (09:31):
Yeah, yeah, because you also mentioned, and I know I'm
probably jumping ahead, how on your birth certificate is stated
that your mom and your dad were white. But clearly
I'm looking at you, and you look like me, just
life skined. I can only imagine how you look when
he was a kid.

Speaker 3 (09:49):
Yes, So I always wonder I thought, like, how did
they let that happen? Because you know, we don't do
that anymore. But the fact that you mark race and
he was white and he was the father on the
birth certificate, but they marked my mother like my mother
was her mother was Samoan and then her father was black,

(10:10):
and so I thought who marked white? Was that the
lawyer because there was a lawyer involved, Because it was
it did end up being a formal adoption, but I thought, like,
how did that is just whatever you check and they
just send it. I didn't understand it right, And I
was like, oh, they don't do that no more, because
we would be you know, people would be putting whatever

(10:31):
they want to put right.

Speaker 2 (10:33):
But I also feel like at a young age you
started to realize, like some of that this is not
adding up, Like the math is not mathing.

Speaker 3 (10:40):
Oh for sure, I feel like the math wasn't mathing.
But at the same time, wherever you're sitting as a child,
you're gonna you you're gonna try to fit in, You're
going to try to go to the path at least resistance.
You already are sitting here without parents. So I have

(11:01):
no parents. I'm growing up, I'm with my grandparents. I'm
in this homogeneous environment, all white. So even though of
course I'm like, man, this is kind of weird, I
was just gone with the story I was making up stuff.
Oh my gosh, I have to tell you the most
embarrassing thing. This story I made up, and I'll never

(11:23):
forget it. I was on this cheerleading squad and I
was probably and I had this one. I was like
in the second grade and I'm on this all white
cheerleading squad and we are at our first overnight like
sleepover thing and they're all crowded around me and they're
like looking at my hair and they're all this, bro,

(11:44):
I make up this big old story about my birth
because they told me I was Hawaiian. I said that
I was born in Hawaii and that they didn't have
real hospitals, that they like pulled me out with sticks
in a village. I'm good. I am running with it.
They are listening. I'm running with it, and this is

(12:05):
my story. But you get what I'm saying, Like as
a child, Yeah, it didn't add up, but I'm like,
you know what, I'm gonna run with this too.

Speaker 2 (12:11):
If y'all gonna tell it, I'm gonna list If y'all
rock and I'm rolling.

Speaker 3 (12:17):
Oh, I just can't believe it. It's cringey, But man, people,
the last few months have been interesting to see how
people have really reacted to me telling that part of
the story of me saying like, man, yeah, how did
you not know you were black? And I'm like it
sounds wild right now, Like if you ask my six

(12:38):
year old daughter right now, she would be like, man
black and he black. She's doing a black history project
right now at the table. Like my children are very aware,
so they would never be able to believe Mommy grew
up thinking that she wasn't black. They wouldn't understand that.
But I'm like, you gotta know, when you're growing up
in a place where no one looks like you and
every adult that you trust has the same story, you're

(13:00):
gonna go with it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (13:01):
And I also feel like your family, like your grandparents,
they really tried their best to make sure that you
believe that you were not black, with your hair, you
not being in the sun like I was like, yo,
But and then you know where is type of way.
It's like they were trying to protect you because they
knew what Tommy was.

Speaker 3 (13:22):
I think it's but you know, I definitely have love
and appreciation for the protection angle of it, right And
then I and then I also think, like I said,
with my grandpa being a little bit in denial and
sort of like in a self serving way. I think
that story was easier, yeah for everybody. Right, Yes, it

(13:43):
was protecting me because writer's rough. Yeah, but I think
there's also a piece of it. It's like, man, like,
this is the story we want to believe too.

Speaker 2 (13:52):
Yeah. I think your grandma was like, girl, this girl
hair keeping kinking up. I told a lot to ask
them for this.

Speaker 3 (14:00):
Gosh, the hair thing was such a big deal. It
was I know she was stressed. Girl. Oh so We'll
be sitting in the living room, I'll be braiding my
daughter's hair and she just looked at She's like, look
at all that hair. I remember when I don't, I'll struggled.

Speaker 2 (14:23):
I struggle when I tell you the story about how
your your mother met your adopted father, because that story
was wild within itself.

Speaker 3 (14:33):
Yeah. So uh. For those who are not familiar, the
Montrose area of Houston is really it's where a lot
of gay bars, you know, club a lot of lgbt
Q plus you know, the community really resides, feel safe,
protected and really has a lot of freedom and liberation.

(14:55):
There's a lot of liberal people that lived there. Montrose
has always been a safe space if you're in Houston.
And so my adopted father owned a bar in that area.
And my mom loved the gays. You hear me, she
was she all of her friends were gay men. She

(15:15):
didn't have female friends. She didn't go to straight bars.
She always went to gay bars. And so she was
a regular at this bar. The bar was called Michaels.
And so she created a friendship with my adopted father.
He was the owner, He served her many times. She
would bring fun people near. My mom was the life

(15:36):
of the party. So of course, oh my gosh, she's
fun and she'd buying drinks every and all that. So
they had a relationship. They had a friendship, and so
they met by way of the bar and just by
having a good time. And then when she became pregnant
with me, they you know, she confided in him. She
went she told him her situation. She's like, I don't

(16:00):
have the lifestyle for this. I don't want to be
a mom again. I already have one child. She's like,
I'm not finished with my party days. I you know,
I financially, I'm not all the way together. Had left
her dad. She left my dad in California. So she's confiding.
She tells him all this and he's like, you know, wow,

(16:23):
that's yeah, that's a whole lot. But you know what
I can help you. And that's what I loved is
people like you know the way that I have been
communicating the story, seeing like, oh, this was just this
white man that came and bought me from this strange
and I was like, no, they had a friend. She
loved my mom. Yeah, I mean you.

Speaker 2 (16:40):
Could tell there was love there because even when she agreed,
like Okay, I'm going to do this, I'm gonna to
let you adopt my child, like he made sure she
was put up, made sure she got clean, like he
really took care of her.

Speaker 3 (16:53):
Yeah, he helped her with tickets. And then even my
mom found out that she was HIV positive when she
was pregnant with me, and it was after they had
made their agreement, so she went ahead and she called
him and said, hey, I don't know if this changes
anything about our agreement, but I do want to make
sure they'll let you know I am HIV positive. I

(17:13):
don't know what this means for the baby. Are you
still interested? Basically? And he was like he didn't care
not a bit. He was like, I don't care what
you got.

Speaker 2 (17:22):
Did He always wanted children.

Speaker 3 (17:25):
Always, they always wanted the family.

Speaker 2 (17:27):
Yeah, what a blessing. M So, what was it like
growing up with him? Because I feel like he was
so gentle with you. I feel like he was like,
I don't know. I feel like he was just so
happy to have you in his life.

Speaker 3 (17:42):
Everyone who was around during that time and that are
the people that are still in my life to say,
you have no idea. He didn't care about anything but you, right,
everything he did. He was so loving. He was so
fun and playful. And he had he had bought a
feed store and so he and I like I was

(18:05):
a baby at Tdler running around. He's running the feed store.
He had bought some land, had some pastures and cows
on it, and it was just me and him. We
run in the pasture, were picking off. He was incredible.
And the memories that I have of being five and
six years old and staying up late and he read

(18:26):
to me. And you know, people think, like man, five
and six is so young, But the core memories you make, Yeah,
and the way that I'm able to recall and I
remember the warmth that I felt when he was around me,
he was an amazing dad.

Speaker 2 (18:40):
Yeah, So did you understand what was going what happened
when he discovered that he had cancer, because you weren't very.

Speaker 3 (18:48):
Young, Yeah, I was very young. I knew that he
was sick. Yeah, And I remember visibly being able to tell,
like he wasn't well and he would get chemo and
he would you know, throw up a lot, and he
wouldn't eat, and then he lost a lot of weight.
So visibly I knew that he was sick. And then
I would like physically see him kind of going downhill,

(19:11):
and we talked openly about cancer. He had one arm,
so I knew that he lost his arm because the
cancer had spread. So, yeah, he had like a little
pea sized tumor in his hand and the doctor cut
it and it spread up his arm. They had to
cut his arm off.

Speaker 2 (19:27):
You know, that's gonna be my question, I was gonna
be what happened to his arm?

Speaker 3 (19:30):
Yeah, And so that was always a thing. I was
always aware that he had doctor's appointments and you know
all of that. And so when he got really sick
and when it was like time for him to die,
I was clear like that this was going to take him.
He was sick, and so it was.

Speaker 2 (19:47):
Sad before he transitioned because obviously he knew what was
to come. He moved back home. Is that where he
was from?

Speaker 3 (20:05):
Yeah, vider Texas.

Speaker 2 (20:07):
So tell us about that because that whole experience. That's
why I was like, we gotta get a movie made,
because you got so many different PARSI a story. As
soon as I get comfortable with one part of the story,
I was like, God damn, like what else? Like this
girl been through mass ship and then the funny part
is here come this little black girl in sundowntown and

(20:29):
you don't even speak English. Your first language was Mexican.

Speaker 3 (20:31):
Mexican girl. My cousin who I grew up in the
house with, he has the funniest recollection of the first
day that I showed up inviterr. He said, your dad
pulled up in this pickup truck. You get out, and
he said you're running around the yard. And they kept
telling me like, go get this ball, like we were

(20:52):
all kicking around playing this ball, and I was just
like huh, not understanding. And then my dad was like, oh,
she only SPEAKSI and they were like yeah. Because I
had a Spanish nanny, Like the nanny that I had
for eighteen months. She was straight from Mexico. She lived
in the apartment with my dad was girl. So he

(21:18):
ran the bar, so he was there all the time.
So the nanny that was with me, like, you know,
we were speaking Spanish, and so my family was just like, yeah,
it was definitely eye opening for them. But Vider is
a very interesting place. It is. It has evolved a lot.
But if I take you back to the eighties, you know,
Vider was a place where it was I think if

(21:41):
you look up the census, it was ninety six percent white,
maybe three percent like other, you know other, right, and
then there was like the little like zero point three
percent black. I'm like, were they catching me on the census.
I wasn't, oh, you know what.

Speaker 2 (21:58):
I I was thinking, like, what, somebody else's black? But
they was passing.

Speaker 3 (22:02):
That's it, right, There's there's probably I mean, now that
I'm kind of older and got the game, I'm like, oh,
there was definitely more of us, right, And there was,
But I think it was it was a beautiful place
to grow up in the fact that it was small

(22:23):
and there were the people that loved me and took
care of me, and I was filled up that way, right.
The only thing I know is a childhood full of
the most beautiful friendships and the best family and the
most loved and the most support. And I can't say
that about everybody, right. I have friends that grew up

(22:43):
in Houston, grew up down the street that they're just
like man, I had a very shitty childhood. So while
I am very aware that Vider is historically a sundown
town er has you know, a past, and Vider does
have some very harsh pieces of it, what I got
the most beautiful part of it.

Speaker 2 (23:01):
Yeah, do you feel like that's the reason why is
because that I won't I guess that town respected your family?

Speaker 3 (23:11):
I don't think. I think, uh my dad was was
very respected in our family, right. He was pretty much
the central, like heartbeat of our family. He was a leader,
he ran things, he knew how to make money, he
was a hustler, and so I think there was so
much respect and love from all of the family that

(23:31):
everyone rallied around me, and then that kind of just trickled,
whether that was to the school, to the church, to
the whatever. I think we all kind of carried our
or everyone carried themselves as like, oh that's Ronnie Huckabe's daughter,
like that was an honor.

Speaker 2 (23:46):
When I heard the Hucklebee, I was like, oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 (23:49):
I know what it is for me.

Speaker 2 (23:56):
For me, yes, I know what time that is because
I can only imagine when you was growing up you
probably saw members of the klu Kluskan.

Speaker 3 (24:07):
Oh yeah, I mean the thing that blows my mind
is that the street behind us like where I could
throw a rock. The house behind us lived one of
the men who were in the Do you remember in
Jasper James Bird, the black man that got drug behind

(24:29):
the pickup truck. It was like national It was like unbelievable,
the James Bird trial and the man that like it
was awful. One of the guys in the truck that
drug this man and Jasper lived behind us. Oh my,
that's just like a you know kind of the land
and the land. And while of course that's not like

(24:50):
all through it, Vider was rough. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (24:56):
Yeah, God bless you man. God really protected you.

Speaker 3 (25:02):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (25:03):
And if I know if they wasn't messing with black people,
I know they damn sure wasn't messing with no gay people.

Speaker 3 (25:09):
Both right, both you're not coming out there. You're not like,
if you're black, if you have a childhood's black, you're
moving to or mean, of course Beaumont's right there, Oranges
right there. So there are towns and cities around Byer
that have plenty of black people that I have plenty
of you know, other minorities and Asians and Hispanics. It's

(25:30):
just this, you know, small community. But there are other
towns that are right next to it that are very similar.

Speaker 2 (25:37):
Yeah. And even when I was reading and your grandparents
a dog name was Nigger, It's like, I was like,
please stop.

Speaker 3 (25:48):
Before I wrote the book, I brought the story up
at my house and I was telling my husband and
my grandmother was sitting right there, and he's like, you're
a lying. He's like, this is not true. So I
look at my and I'm like, please fact check, please
please tell him. She said I remember one time, so
she didn't even say yes. No. She says, I remember
one time there was a black ups driver and he

(26:11):
was coming up there to drop off a package and
the dog runs after him and I'm yelling for the dog.
He thinks they're talking to him. He gets in that
truck and drives off my Grandma's telling the story. My
husband's jaw is on the ground.

Speaker 2 (26:24):
He was He's like.

Speaker 3 (26:27):
So, wait, this story is true, and she's like, yeah,
that was a rough day. He's just looking at me
like this is no And I'm like, I'm trying to
tell you how I grew up.

Speaker 2 (26:41):
Yeah, I feel like there are other stories that you
didn't put in the book for the sake of the
people in your life.

Speaker 3 (26:48):
I think it was for the sake of people in
my life. But I also think that there was a
part of me that said, Okay, what do I want
this book to say? And for a long time, I
thought that the book was about race. I thought the
book was about growing up invit her and me, you know,
being this black girl and then in my thirties going

(27:08):
through all that I've gone through, and then meeting my
mom and having this relationship and me really finding my
work in the world. I was like, wait a second,
that's not the heart of the story. Like, yes, it's
resilience and it's beauty, and it's family and reckoning and
all of that. But the story, I'm like, the story
was my mom. The story was our love story and

(27:28):
how it came full circle. So it took me a while.
I wrote the book ten years ago, and it had
a whole It was like a whole bunch was very
concentrated on being a black girl growing up in a
white town, and I was like, that's not what I
wanted to be.

Speaker 2 (27:41):
Yeah, So when was the last time you've been back home?
And what's it like now?

Speaker 3 (27:46):
Oh? We go like we were going once a month
because my grandmother, Yeah, living with me back to where
I'm from.

Speaker 2 (27:53):
Baby, I can't take care niggas y'all stressing me out.
I gotta go back.

Speaker 3 (27:58):
Home once a month. I would take her to her
doctor and take her to her to go get her
hair done. We did that for years and then finally
I said enough is enough, Like with all this ripping
and running and driving and we're getting different people to bring.
I said, girl, you're gonna have to get to Houston doctor.
We have the best doctors. Like, we're not driving two hours, right.

Speaker 2 (28:23):
She's like, take me home, girl.

Speaker 3 (28:25):
I just want a little bit of back with So
then so I let it ride. And then last year
she was like, you know what, I want a Houston doctor.
And I let her come to it herself, and I
brought her to go get her hair done at this
random spot that I found. This Hispanic lady doesn't speak
a look at English. She's in there rolling her hair.

(28:45):
I was like, look, lady, you're gonna get all that
if you're gonna really be a city girl like me.

Speaker 2 (28:50):
We go, right, So, how did that environment shape your
sense of identity before you fully understood your racial background?
Because even when they would say certain things, so they
would call the doll nigger and stuff like, deep down
inside you knew something was off.

Speaker 3 (29:05):
Oh yeah, I mean I think it was all sort
of like my sense of identity, my sense of who
I was, all that was up in the air. It
never landed. It wasn't settled. Some people will say, man,
I knew who I was and they created that from
a young age. I didn't, Right, It was always up
in the air. Who I am, where I'm from? Who

(29:26):
are my people? What if my tether to this earth?
My skin, my hair? Like I never felt truly settled
in myself. Yeah, and I'll tell you this story because
I just thought about it when you asked this question.
You remember Saved by the.

Speaker 2 (29:40):
Bell, Yeah, of course, you remember.

Speaker 3 (29:43):
There was Kelly Jesse and Lisa, Right, So there was
the three three main characters, well there were three, there
were other two other girls that lived in my neighborhood.
We always would play together. We would always like after school,
go hang out and all this. So one day we're
playing and we would play like school. We played all this.
One day we said we're going to play Saved by

(30:04):
the Bell and everybody was deciding who they were going
to be girl? Why did I say I was going
to be Jesse? And I'm the only black girl? And
and I remember my friend looking at me like, well,
don't you want to be Like don't you want to
be Lisa? Like why wouldn't you be Lisa? And I

(30:24):
was like, I'm gonna be Jesse. And I'm telling you
that story because that made me think of the fact
that not only did I struggle with my identity, but
I struggled to be like, Okay, what how do I
want other people to perceive me? Right? Where? Not only
who do I think that I am? Who do I
want you to think that I am? And that as
a struggle, right, It's an external you know, And I

(30:49):
think a lot of times we'll take care of external
before we do internal. So I'm worried about I don't
want if I pick Lisa, then y'all are going to
see me as black. Yeah, and that's not what I am.
So if I'm doing that externally, imagine what's going on
in here. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (31:04):
But that's the reason why I love your story so
much because I was from the obvious with your relationship
with your mom. And I also feel like you came
back home to yourself.

Speaker 3 (31:11):
Oh yeah I did. I did I and I continue
to do so right, so people feel like people feel
like you come home and that's it in you, And
I feel like I have been on this journey where
yes I'm home, but you can be home and you
can still visit, and you can still roam and you
can still explore. So, yes, I came home to myself. Yes,

(31:33):
I came home to the woman that I am. But
I keep exploring and I love it here. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (31:39):
Yeah, I can tell. I can definitely tell. So before
you met your mom, because she definitely reassured you that
you was black, tell us about your college experience, because
I feel like if you went to it, especially at HBCU,
black people don't tell you what time it is and
when they was, like, girl, you are black? You was like, huh,
you were so confused girl.

Speaker 3 (32:01):
So, first of all, San Houston State University, it is
not an HBCU, but the way that we the way
that we rallied, and the way that we sort of
carved out our own piece of that university, it might
as well have been right, like we had a section
of it that we turned into an HBCU. And so

(32:21):
my roommate's black, My two sweet mates are black, our
neighbors are black. In this small dorm room, my freshmen experience,
and when I tell you, they weren't letting me make
it out of freshman year, not understanding who I was,
where I came from. And they're all city girls. We
are all still friends to this day, and they were

(32:43):
just so confused. Part of them were they were sad,
like wait, how do you not know this? But then
the other part they were sad, but they took me
on with such tenderness and such love, and they were
just like they were decided that we're gonna ride for you.
We're gonna teach you, We're gonna make sure that you

(33:05):
find out who you are. We're gonna make sure that
you love who you are. We're gonna make sure that
you get knowledge, and that you get loved on and
then you know all of that. And so I could
not have asked for better roommates than sweet Maides.

Speaker 2 (33:20):
And I was like, why do you put this perm
in this girl head?

Speaker 3 (33:24):
So I begged for it. They would They did not
want to do it. If you talk to them, they'll say, girl,
we try to talk her out of it because they
were all getting relaxers. And I was like, well, I
won't want to like girl. No. But when I got
to college, I was washing my hair every day, waking

(33:45):
up clows ryme, I mean frying my hair, flattering and guy.
And so when that when I started saying, okay, y'all
getting a relaxer, you're wrapping your hair. They taught me
about rapping and y'all are going this long. I was like,
I want a piece of that. I want to be
a part of that club. And they were like, trust me,
once you go, you can't. So I said, if y'all

(34:06):
don't do it, I'm gonna do it myself. Okay. Finally
they agreed and they did it.

Speaker 2 (34:14):
Yeah, what was your favorite part by discovering your blackness?
Because I feel like if I'm not if I'm not mistaken.
You said you was watching Martin. He's watching all these
different television shows. They was teaching you different things like
what was your most favorite part?

Speaker 3 (34:28):
And this is my first time saying it. So I'm like, oh,
I'm so glad you asked you that. Okay, So my
favorite part about learning that I was black and really
embracing my identity, it was really like how sexy. I
felt so out of nowhere. You know, I was no
longer just the homeide, just the friends growing up. So

(34:52):
then I was like, oh, I'm cute. So you know,
then I started dressing different, and I mean I still
dressing like I came from vite her and they still
ragged on me and they laughed because I didn't imagine
girl the flip flops and the shell necklace. And my
friends were like girl like.

Speaker 2 (35:12):
Like, no, you thought you was killing it.

Speaker 3 (35:15):
I thought I oh. But there was definitely a part
of me freshman year that was like, Okay, I'm feeling this.
I'm feeling my skin, I'm feeling my hair, like these
lips and I didn't feel like all my lips are
too big, oh my, I just like was I felt
good that I felt like I was happy in my body.

Speaker 2 (35:33):
He felt comfortable.

Speaker 3 (35:35):
Oh yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (35:37):
So before we started the conversation about you, me and
your mom, she actually well, she didn't try to find you,
but her boyfriend Charles did, and he came to your
cousin house. And I'm like, that's big black.

Speaker 3 (35:49):
Man, bald, black Muslim, like I slum a lake on girl.
So he he was driving from Louisiana and he was
going to visit some family and he knew where I lived,
like the whole time they were dating, and he always said,

(36:10):
like I want to make I want you to meet her.
We need to reach out. My mom kept saying, no,
she's too young. She's too young. I don't want to
just just disrupt everything she's got going on. And so
my mom said, okay, you know, let's see, let's wait
till she gets older. But he couldn't wait.

Speaker 2 (36:28):
He decides know that was your daddy.

Speaker 3 (36:31):
He said, you know what she needs to know, and
I'm sick of her living down there and not knowing nothing.
So he could not take it anymore. So one day
he's driving, he decides, I'm gonna pull up. Pulls up.
He's talking to my cousin because I don't answer the door.
I didn't know he was there. And so he gets
intimidated and says, they said, well, who are you you're

(36:51):
looking for? He says, I'm her brother, And so my
cousin is like, what, she's got a brother. He's like, yeah,
we got the same mom. I'm coming in from Houston.
So when I first see Charles, I was like I
looked at him in the face and I was like,
you you do not look like my brother. Like this
doesn't feel right, and he was like insistent. So then
it started feeling a little not creepy, but I was like,

(37:14):
this ain't add.

Speaker 2 (37:14):
No, it was weird, right, it was weird.

Speaker 3 (37:17):
It was off. And then he was really timid, but
he was also, I don't know, trying to connect with me.
I could tell that it was genuine.

Speaker 2 (37:24):
He's frobly.

Speaker 3 (37:24):
I could tell that he was very nervous. Yeah, he
had his cousins in the car and he kept looking
back at the car and I was like, what is
going on? And so when he gets back to Houston,
my mom let him have it. He came to Houston
and said, guess what I met her. I told her
that you are alive. I told her all this and

(37:44):
my mom was like, what did you do? I mean
they got in a blowout fight. And he was like, oh,
by the way, I also lied and said I was
her brother. So my mom calls my cousin. She talked
to her. She doesn't talk to me. I did not
talk to my mom and they're talking and my cousin

(38:04):
is like super protective of me. At this time, she's
like what he lied? Like this is crazy? You know?
Who are you? People? Know? You know she's doing all
this right right? Me? And right? What they do? She what?

Speaker 1 (38:19):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (38:20):
And so they get into it. At this point, my
family is like, you know what, I'm so sorry that happened.
That was not your mom, that was not your brother.
I don't know what they wanted. I don't know what
the situation is. We're so sorry. And so at this
point I'm like, Okay, that wasn't my brother, which duh, right,

(38:41):
but is my mom alive? Like what is this? But
then when I tell you, I just like, boom, shut
it off. Didn't happen, Like I don't know what that was.
But I've got a senior year to live and I
just moved on.

Speaker 2 (38:54):
Yeah, So to walk us through when you first met
your mother. And I thought this was very interesting and
also given our age because I remember when I used
to call the operator and ask for like people numbers,
just give the name right and they would give it things.

Speaker 3 (39:09):
I was like, wow, So I called and I gave
her phone number. And it was Mother's Day, which was
my sophomore year. Yes, but that morning I was just like,
you know what, I'm gonna call and I'm gonna get
some information about her. I'm gonna find out, like there's
gonna be some kind of number that they're gonna give me.
And I spoke to my mom for the very first

(39:31):
time Mother's Day, my sophomore year, and the moment she
heard my voice, she was like, I live not even
two hours away. You are my daughter, Come see me
to day. Lets me have so much to talk about.
And I drove and met my mom that day, my
first conversation to ever have with her, and it was

(39:54):
the most beautiful moment of my life, hugging my mom
for the first time. I've had kids, I've been mad,
all these things, the most beautiful moment of my life. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (40:07):
And then you see your brother Charles right there crying,
and then you see your real.

Speaker 3 (40:12):
Brother, and I'm like Charles, like cause I'm side on Charles,
But then I also am like looking at him with
a little bit of love like this, wouldn't you know
you're here? I get it, you know, it was. It
was amazing though.

Speaker 2 (40:30):
You know, your mom had to be a really special
lady because she had a lot of people that looked
after her.

Speaker 3 (40:36):
Oh my god. Yeah, her life, her life, her her experience.
I mean people that just met her for the first time,
people that only met her one time are just like
they would never forget it.

Speaker 2 (40:59):
So when you met your how does a real story
you learned about her compared to what you had been
told for eighteen years? And how did discovering the truth
change your perception of her and of yourself?

Speaker 3 (41:11):
I think when I met her and I listened to
actually I listened to the story, and I really, you know,
heard her perspective and her side and what she went
through on that side. Yeah, I think number one I
was I was grateful that she was alive, and then
I was going to get the opportunity to know her.

(41:32):
I was mad at first because I thought, man, you know,
now you've got this bomb ass life. She was a
boss too, you're doing so well for yourself, You're doing
all this. So so I'm listening, I hear you. But
now I'm a little bit upset and I'm a little
bit resentful, and I'm kind of like, Okay, let me

(41:52):
let this play out. But I think meeting her and
knowing that she did like yearn for me, that she did,
like because the part of me was like you didn't
even care, like you didn't. But then like listening to
Charles and knowing that she did want me and that
she was sad that I wasn't there, I think gave

(42:13):
me a part of like, man, I am worthy of
someone missing me and loving me, especially my mom. But
it changed, it changed.

Speaker 2 (42:21):
And I feel like she stayed close to you because
deep down inside, maybe she knew that she was going
to come back and find her or y'all was going
to reunite, because one of the odds of y'all being
two hours away.

Speaker 3 (42:32):
You know, the reason I paused to answer that part
is because when I did meet her, she was not ready.
She was you know, my mom had this party life,
and she was so excited not to have this attachment
and this label of I've got a daughter and I've
got to be a certain way. So I don't think

(42:52):
that it was for me. And it might have been
fate and it might have been in the cards, but
I think her decisions and her choices were not driven
on staying close for me. That might have just been
how it happened, and then you know, thank god, it happens,
and I'm so happy that I was closed and we
were able to do that. But the choices she made

(43:12):
in her life were definitely for her. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (43:15):
Yeah, So after you met her for the first time,
you spent the night y'all having a good time, y'all
got drunk, and you woke up the next day, you
was excited, and you left and you called your cousin
and come to find out, everybody knew the secret but
you So, how did that make you feel? Because that's
so common in a lot of families.

Speaker 3 (43:32):
Oh yeah, yeah. I mean, now that I'm telling the story,
I have people that DM me all the time. Oh
I need your help. I need to tell my daughter
that she's adopted, or I you know, I have all
of these families now reaching out because they've heard my
story and they saying, you know what, I think it's
time and I'm like, oh, it was, it's been time.
The earlier the better, right, Like you need to tell

(43:54):
them early. When you find out as an adoptee that
other people in your life new and didn't tell you,
there's a sense of betrayal, right, there's a sense of
like especially like my best friends, my closest cousin, I'm like,
how did it never come up? Like we talked, we
had a whole childhood, a whole life that my whole

(44:16):
adolescent like you know, teen years, high school, Like it
didn't come up. None of these like you know, you
guys knew. And so I think I definitely I felt betrayed.
I understood that they didn't feel like it was their place,
but I had a lot of angry.

Speaker 2 (44:31):
I mean, that's a big truth to tell, Like I
couldn't even imagine.

Speaker 3 (44:35):
Like I think everybody was like no, looking at somebody else,
like you gonna tell her, No, You're gonna tell her?

Speaker 2 (44:39):
That was like nah, Right, So what were some of
the similarities that you noticed between the two of you,
Because I feel like when I'm now, I'm just talking
to my father. One of the things I feel like
we have in common is our personalities, like We're so
much alike. And then also we look alike. So when
I'm like discovering him and like, you know, we having conversations,
I'm like, tell this nigga, just like well, I'm just.

Speaker 3 (44:59):
Like kill the same. My mom and I looked alike.
When I saw her, I was like, oh my gosh,
there are so many our mannerisms. We would talk with
our hands and we are like, you know, larger than life,
life of the part, funt like. We were so similar
in terms of personality, were similar in terms of our intellect,

(45:22):
and similar in the way that we love people. We
had differences, but the similarities were the most beautiful, and
they were the ones that made me feel like man
like I came from her. I was very clear about that.

Speaker 2 (45:34):
Yeah, And what were some of the biggest challenges that
you had to navigate.

Speaker 3 (45:39):
I think I felt like my mom was selfish.

Speaker 2 (45:42):
Yeah, I feel like your mom was very self center.

Speaker 3 (45:45):
My mom was self centered. Anyone who meets me, I'm like,
it is you first, It is the world first. And
I know self care and I take good care of myself,
but I am going to take care of my people,
my friends, my family, and I am gonna love on
people in a way that they feel the most special,
and that's like, that's my that's like just how I

(46:05):
navigate the world. My mom was more interested in get
interested in me, yeah, and then we're gonna you know,
and I'm more interested in other people. And so that
was a big difference in our relationship.

Speaker 2 (46:18):
Because when you met your biological father for the first time,
she was with you, and I was like, Mom, this
ain't about you, girl, Like she was like so excited.

Speaker 1 (46:26):
She was like, you got this, you got this.

Speaker 3 (46:28):
And I'm like, girl, you should have seen her go
get her hair done a Brazilian blowout. Didn't offer me
to get my hair done. She getting all like fancy,
she was looking good. Girl. I don't even remember how
it looked that that. I think I looked a hot mess,
I'll be honest. And I snuck out the back. I
snuck out the back because I was just like, this

(46:49):
is too much. They were just being too cavalier about
my situation, and like them catching up just felt too
like I was like, Okay, this is too casual and
this is so we're talking about my life. We're talking
about neither one of my parents being around, and y'all
are giggling and sniggling and what's so funny? Oh my

(47:11):
hell no, I am out here right.

Speaker 2 (47:13):
So what was your relationship like with your father before
he passed away?

Speaker 3 (47:20):
He was a funny man. He was He was a laugh.
He was a good laugh. He was all jokes. He
was There was nothing serious about Sonny. There was nothing
serious about my father. Everything was a joke. Everything was laughable.
So like, we didn't get serious for a long time,
like the first couple of years. I was really of
the mindset that I didn't really need him. It was
good to know him. I met him, Okay, check that box.

(47:43):
But I did not crave a relationship with him like
I did my mom. I wasn't checking for him. I
wasn't There wasn't a whole like desire there. So there
was a There was a wall and a barrier that
I put up for years and years, right, and then
fast forward I had my own kids, and then that
wall started to come down, and I was like, you

(48:04):
know what, I want them to have a grandfather. I
wanted him to be around. He started coming around, or
he moved to Houston, and so then I started letting
him into my world and I started like, okay, maybe
you know, he's all right. And he started developing a
relationship with my kids, and I was really grateful for

(48:25):
that that he did that. And then he got sick
and died on me too.

Speaker 2 (48:29):
Yeah listen, I always say the parents always write their
wrongs with the grandkids.

Speaker 3 (48:34):
I know. Yeah. I always just watch him and I say,
you know, to be fair, he didn't know about me,
and so there wasn't this feeling of abandonment from him
that I had with my mom. For him, it was
more like a you know what, I've already lost two parents.

(48:55):
I don't want to get real close to you because
I'm not interested in the heartbreak. That is like we
can keep it right here and now, like slowly. And
I didn't, to be honest, I never like fully threw
myself into the relationship, and I'm glad I didn't. Selfishly.
I'm glad that I didn't because you know, when he
passed three years ago, I was devastated. I was really
really sad. But I was sad for my kids. I

(49:18):
was sad because I wanted them to have a grandfather.
I was sad that I lost the dad, but meant
the dad that I had at six. Yeah, the past.
At six, I'm like, there was like for me, no being,
no topping that. So my sadness when my biological father
passed a few years ago was the potential of me
having a family that had you know, this this grandfather

(49:42):
you know that had this older male figure in our lives.
And I was sad about that. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (49:49):
You know one thing about your mom because she said
that she doesn't regret her decision, But do you feel
like she wish you would have did something differently? Because
you I feel like when y'all met and when you
when y'all really liked it, you gave her like unconditional love,
like and it was like I can only imagine how
overwhelming it might have been for her because you never stopped.

Speaker 3 (50:12):
I don't think that she regretted her decision, but I
definitely think that I healed parts of my mom but
no one else could. Yeah, and I think that if
she could have gotten that sooner and had more of it,
that that would have just added more of it. That
would have been a big bonus for her. I don't

(50:33):
think that she regretted anything, but I think that she
needed more time with me, just like I needed with her.

Speaker 2 (50:38):
Yeah, and then you ended up living with her for
a year after you went to what Korea?

Speaker 3 (50:44):
I did? I moved in with her and baby. I
know that was a shit show, all that estrage and
flowing through that. How then we're on our cycle at
the same time, still just navigating. I was like, this
is not the movie. Yeah, it was good. I'm glad
we did it. We needed to have those fights because

(51:05):
that's the realness, right, It's like when you go when
you travel with your partner. When you do that, you
really get the realness. So I think I needed to
live with her. We needed to have some of those
ugly moments to stretch us. But it was tough.

Speaker 2 (51:19):
And then you took a job in the Middle East,
so tell us about that. And then at the same
time you discovered that your mom had cancer.

Speaker 3 (51:26):
Yeah, so I took a job in Doha, Qatar, which
my mom loved the Middle East. She loved to travel.
She was she was really excited for me. She came
with me the first time I flew out there. She
made sure to boo, you know, she said she was
coming to get me settled. But that girl was the
way she was, the way she was taking them selfies

(51:47):
and the way she was doing all that. I said, girl,
you're just happy to be here. But it was. It
was three of the most incredible years for my career
and for my worldliness and just all of that. But
that second year I was there, the bottom just fell out.
I mean, I had five people in my family, close friends,

(52:08):
pass away boom boom boom boom, back to back. And
then I'm a home for my best friend's mom, who
had always been there for me, who was like a
mom for me. She died of stage four cancer.

Speaker 2 (52:19):
Oh my goodness, so much cancer.

Speaker 3 (52:22):
It was awful, and I was home for her funeral.
And while I was home, I went with my mom
to the oncology appointment where we found out stage four
for her. So it was the darkest year of my life.
It was unbearable in terms of grief, but I made it.

Speaker 2 (52:41):
Yeah, well did your mom say? She was like, don't worry,
I'm not gonna die yet. You already got enough funerals
to go.

Speaker 3 (52:45):
She literally said, I do not want to when she
got sick, when she found out she had cancer, she said,
I did not want to die this year. You are
grieving other people. Sometime I was like you are kidding me?
And she was so serious.

Speaker 1 (53:00):
When was her birthday?

Speaker 3 (53:03):
January Capricorn?

Speaker 2 (53:06):
Okay, okay, I don't know why she was giving me
a Quarius vibe because I'm another Quarious. But we're not
that self centered.

Speaker 1 (53:11):
I don't think.

Speaker 2 (53:12):
Ye, I'm not that self center.

Speaker 3 (53:13):
It's ju Wait it's sixteenth. Is that Capricorn?

Speaker 2 (53:17):
Yeah, that's Capricorn.

Speaker 3 (53:17):
I'm not okay. I was gonna say I'm not a
big Zodiac person, but.

Speaker 2 (53:20):
I think that's Capricorn. Yeah, okay, that's so crazy. I
believe my mother's birthday is January seventeenth, Okay. Yeah. So
one thing I love about y'all story is when y'all
realized that she was sick, y'all really took the time
to be intentional and to write the ending that y'all
wanted for y'all love story.

Speaker 3 (53:39):
We did, Yeah, we did. It wasn't easy and not
every day. So when I talk about it and I say, man,
it was so beautiful and it was nine months and
we you know, tied our story up with the boat.
Of course, there were awful days. If you've ever cared
for someone with cancer, if you ever cared cared for
anyone with terminal illness or sickness. There are days when

(54:02):
they are just straight up assholes to you, right, and
You're just like, man, I'm doing all of this.

Speaker 2 (54:11):
My grandmother had yeah, and oh my goodness, I have
never seen my grandma like that. And that shit broke
me down.

Speaker 3 (54:19):
It's hard, it's exhausting. And so while there were those
exhausting parts and it's really really difficult, we were able
to reconcile and find reckoning and healing and end our
story the way we wanted to. And I'm grateful for that.

Speaker 2 (54:38):
Yeah, because it wasn't it a situation? She was smoking
a cigarette something, and you was like.

Speaker 3 (54:42):
Girl, how dare you right? We are talking stage four
lung cancer. We are driving to a radiation appointment. I
have put my entire life on pause in the Middle East,
moved down here, taking care and you light up a

(55:02):
cigarette in the car.

Speaker 2 (55:05):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (55:06):
I just lost it. I wasn't sleeping, you know, And
I was just like, you know, how dare you? And
when she said to me, I didn't ask you to? Yeah,
I said, I put my whole life on Paul, she said,
I didn't ask you to. And I'm looking at her
like what do you think I'm doing all this for?
And then I was like, Oh, this has nothing to

(55:29):
do with me and you. This is me and God.
This is me and God. This is me and God.
And that was like I got it. I got it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (55:38):
And I thought it was so beautiful when you shave
your head because her hair was falling off.

Speaker 3 (55:43):
Yeah. Yeah, that was very emotional. Yeah, that was definitely
one of the most emotional days of my life, was
walking up to my mother's bedroom and her with her
bald head. My mother loved her hair. That was her
like face, you know, she had long, beautiful you know.
And when I came in there and she saw that

(56:05):
and she just rubbed my bald head and I had
never felt so close to her. M Yeah.

Speaker 2 (56:12):
Yeah. So leading up to the days when she transitioned,
how did it make you feel to see her so
vulnerable after everything you learned about her? Because she was
such a firecracker.

Speaker 3 (56:22):
You know, so we thought she was getting better. There
was a point in the summer where we were kind
of you don't know if you would call it naive
or what, but they said, oh, man, the radiation and
chemos work, you know, And I go back to the
Middle East for a little bit, and then of course
I get the call like no, she felt it's back
and it went quick. So I fly home and she's

(56:45):
already in hospice and she's she's weak and she's fragile,
and they're like, these are the last days. And I'm
like what, like, wait, we I just thought that you
guys said she was getting better. And so it was
a little bit shocking, even though we knew it was coming.
I think there's a piece that was like, oh, we
kind of had a little bit of hope. And so

(57:06):
to see her like that, to see her on her
way out and to see her so scared. But my
mom was fearless. She was not a scared person. Yeah,
and so she was scared. She did not want to die,
and oh that was oh yeah, that was awful. When
you're looking at somebody who doesn't want to die and

(57:26):
they're telling you like I'm not ready as a human
the you know, the mortality of that, and you know,
looking at someone and you're thinking, man, okay, so this
is not peaceful. This is not the like lay down
and just like you know, go out like man, that
was scary. It was sad.

Speaker 2 (57:46):
Yeah, And then you saw her take her last breath.
I was like, oh, my goodness.

Speaker 3 (57:52):
Nothing compares to that. Yeah, nothing compares to that.

Speaker 2 (57:57):
Yeah. What do you wish more people under stood about
mother daughter healing?

Speaker 3 (58:04):
I wish people understood that you can't change the other person,
That's a fact. I wish people understood that as much
as you want them to be a better mom, or
as much as you want her to be a better daughter,
you want it to be like your friend, or you
want it to be like what you're seeing on social media.
Your mother daughter relationship is your own and it's personal,

(58:28):
and it is something that you're going to have to
work on, and you have got to look at the
other person and say, there's a chance they won't get
any better than this. This is the best they've got.
We are at capacity with their love and this is
all they've got to give. And can I work with this?
And I pray to God the answer is yes. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (58:48):
That's my definition of forgiveness, especially what my father and
my mother is accepting things for what it is compared
to what I thought things should have been.

Speaker 3 (58:57):
So, and then how can you work from it? Right?
And can you work so? Estrangement is on the rise right.
One in ten mother daughters are completely a strange. They decide,
you know, I can't work with this, and it's a
personal decision, right. But I think once you find out
who your mother or father really is, and you say,
can I work with this in a way that doesn't

(59:19):
rip me to shreds? Can I work with this and
heal from this? And can I have a relationship where
I get something, some sort of peace and love out
of it. And if the answers know and if you've
got to part ways, okay, but if you can hang
on to it and you can work on it and
you can heal it, You've got to know, don't compare
to other relationships around you. It is personal.

Speaker 2 (59:41):
Yeah, what's some lessons about motherhood that you take away
from your experience with your mom, whether it was from
her absence or her presence.

Speaker 3 (59:51):
I think being a mom is selfless and the choices
that you make as a mom are gonna ripple through
your child's life. So the choices my mom made early
on ripple to now they're gonna ripple. So when I
look at my kids and I think of when I
think about the different decisions I'm making, whether it's career, financial, spiritual.

(01:00:15):
I think the decisions that I'm making right now are
gonna ripple through their life for the rest of their lives.
And as a mother, I have a responsibility, yeah, to
make better choices because they're just they need me, they
depend on me. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:00:32):
Do you feel like your relationship with your mom still
show up today?

Speaker 3 (01:00:36):
Oh yeah? Yeah? Oh yeah, for good or for bad.
Like I know what she taught me and the beautiful
things and I look at my daughter, and when I
look at my daughter and we're having these very tender moments,
it shows up and it just makes me, I know,
it makes me so soft, and I look at her
and I'm like, sister, we are going to figure this out,
you hear me?

Speaker 2 (01:00:57):
Yeah, So we're almost finished by One of the things
that I love because this is what I did with
my platform, is to pretty much turn your pain into
your purpose. So tell us about how your your journey
with your mother and your relationship with her, you was
able to turn into a business, which I thought was
like amazing.

Speaker 3 (01:01:14):
I could not shake the idea. And if anyone's listening,
and you've had this idea kind of circulating in your
head and you've wanted to start a business, you know,
you've got to be super passionate about it or you
will not make it right. You've got to really love it.

Speaker 2 (01:01:29):
And so like, would you do this for free?

Speaker 3 (01:01:32):
Yeah? Yeah, and for years and make no money and
spend money on.

Speaker 2 (01:01:37):
Its homegirl, y'all?

Speaker 3 (01:01:40):
Yes, So I think you got to ask yourself. And
I got really clear about that, and it wouldn't I
couldn't shake it. Every day. I thought, man, I want
other mothers and daughters to realize the power they have
if they reconcile, that they heal. I could not shake
the idea that after my mom passed away, that I
needed to help other mothers and daughters draw closer to

(01:02:02):
each other. I knew how beautiful it was to have
a mother daughter relationship that I was proud of, that
I was healing from, and I say, you know what,
I'm going to go help others and so turning my
pain into purpose. I was grieving and I was sad,
but I knew that I had to use it. My
mom looked at me in the face and when she
was in hospice or her death that she said, you

(01:02:23):
better find something to do with all this pain, Okay,
And I will never forget that. And I say, you
know what, the way that it's showing up in our work.
We do a mother daughter therapy app and it is
incredible and I love being able to help other families.
I love being able to share my own story and

(01:02:46):
not motivate mothers and daughters to get their shit together
and just work on it. And so I love the
business that we started. I love the therapy that we're
working on.

Speaker 2 (01:02:57):
Yeah. And if you could say one more thing to
your mom, now, what would it be?

Speaker 3 (01:03:02):
Thank you? Thank you for showing up as yourself. Even
when I pushed you to be more and wanted you
to be different, you kept giving me who you were
and that showed me that you know what, that's what
you had. And so I would tell her thank you.
I would tell her thank you a million times.

Speaker 2 (01:03:21):
Yeah. And last, but not least, what do you think
your father, your adopted farther, would say if he was
still here to see everything you accomplished, especially the relationship
with your mom.

Speaker 3 (01:03:33):
I think he would be so proud. I think I
think he would be like, duh, Like this is the
life I knew you were going to have. It was
going to be extraordinary, Like the way you came into
this world, the way that you and I had each other,
I think he would just be smiling and be like, girl,
this was everything I thought.

Speaker 2 (01:03:54):
Well, listen, I am just so proud of you. I
cannot wait for this movie to come out. If it's
going to be on HBO, Max Time, Listen, Netflix and
the Hulu. I think your story is so beautiful, and
you know, it's really allowing me to take a different
approach with my father because it's very important to me
to have at least one relationship with a parent. And

(01:04:16):
I am i can say, I'm very excited about speaking
to him and having a conversation with him. So I
appreciate your transparency and just sure the way you was
able to just love and heal and just just everything sticks.
I'm so proud of you.

Speaker 3 (01:04:30):
Thank you, Thank you for sharing that part with me
as well.

Speaker 2 (01:04:34):
Yeah, and to the listeners, if you want to know
more about my guests, you want to know about her book,
her app please make sure to email me a hello
at the PSHG podcast dot com because we do support entrepreneurs. Okay,
our baddy over here, and I think that your story
is the epitome of our model to always share your
storyline because you never know how it can be someone
else's lifeline. So I really appreciate you. And until next time. Everyone,

(01:04:58):
Later you're not gonna say bye bye.

Speaker 3 (01:05:04):
Thank you, guys, thank you so much for listening.

Speaker 2 (01:05:13):
The Professional Homegirl Podcast is a production of the Black
Effect Podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows. Don't forget to subscribe and rate the show,
and you can connect with me on social media at
the PAHG podcast

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Host

Eboné Almon

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