September 7, 2023 • 40 mins
A lot of us in our 20s feel the urge to upend everything and move to a new city - maybe for work, for a partner or just for the pure adventure of a new experience and environment. So in this episode we're going to break down why our 20s are perhaps the best time to make this major life change, from the lack of external responsibilities to the psychological benefits it brings, including self reflection, promoting a growth mindset and realising our ideal selves. We'll also explore why the urge to move to a new city really reflects our innate novelty seeking behaviour and why some people, the so called 'serial movers', can never seem to stay in one place for long. And finally, what are some of the practical ways we can actually do this and build community, maintain financial security, avoid feeling isolated? And what exactly is the so-called '6 month' rule? All of that and more, listen now!
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thatpsychologypodcast/
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ThePsychologyofyour20s
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:26):
Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, it is great to have
you here. Back for another episode. Now, this one is
pretty special because it is kind of almost a part
three from a series that we did a couple of
weeks ago on how we can make the most out
of our twenties. And if you've listened to that episode,
(00:48):
we briefly discussed why it's important to move to a
new city during this decade, whether that is in your
home country or abroad. And you know what, I really
thought that this topic deserved its own entire episode, especially
after so many of you have reached out and let
me known your experiences, what you'd wished you'd known, even
(01:11):
the goals that you have to do this yourself. There
were so many lived experiences but also questions and you know,
questions for advice that I thought we may as well
do it separately. So today that is this episode. We
are going to be unpacking exactly why we feel the
urge to sometimes I would say, upend our lives and
(01:34):
just travel halfway across the globe, why there are numerous
benefits of this, not just psychologically, but also emotionally and socially,
and finally kind of the big question, which is how
do we do it? How can we unlock that potential
dream that so many of us share. I just want
to make a quick disclaimer as well that I totally
(01:55):
understand that this is not always an option for everyone
because of financial concerns or passports or family, and I
really do appreciate that. But for those of us who
do have the opportunities to consider this, I wanted to
really chat through not just some of the practical advice,
but also some of the surprising psychology, Like did you
(02:16):
know that there is a literal term for people who
cannot stay in one place for too long? And there's
also this concept that explains why we kind of get
this restless urge in our twenties. It's called novelty seeking behavior.
So I think that all of us, including myself, will
be very surprised by how much psychology really underpins this.
(02:39):
Very I would say, quintessential twenty something desire. So we're
going to discuss all of that and so much more.
I also want to really discuss and really explore this
idea of a six month rule, and that essentially says
that you need to give any new place you move
wherever that is six months. You have to really dedicate
(03:02):
six months of time, six months of energy before you
can make any further decisions. It takes that amount of
time to kind of establish a community, to find your
favorite restaurants and coffee spots, to get a lay of
the land. And I think anecdotally and from my own life,
this hypothesis is very very accurate. And alongside that, I
(03:23):
also really want to explore what are some of the
actual behaviors that we can instigate one of some of
the things we can do to make our move a
successful one, especially around things like loneliness or fear, those
kind of feelings that we are going to bring to
a new environment, but also these kinds of fears that
are going to hold us back. How can we make friends,
(03:45):
how can we navigate dealing with financial anxiety, how can
we find a place to live, How can we really
come to embrace this new chapter and this new challenge
moving overseas, I think is one of the best things
that we can do at this AA. So if you
have even been toying with the idea, I really hope
(04:06):
that this episode convinces you to bite the bullet. As
we always say, a comfortable life isn't always the best life,
and maybe this is kind of the challenge that you
have been looking for as you start to feel a
little bit stagnant or stuck where you are. I don't
know if it's just me feeling this, but I have
an intuition that this sensation, this experience, longing of boredom,
(04:31):
of the need for excitement, is a lot more common
than we think. So we have a lot to get through.
I'm really excited for this episode, and thank you again
for all of your contributions and ideas. Without further ado,
let us get into some of the psychology behind moving
to a new city in our twenties. Moving to a
(04:58):
new city, recreating ours, paving kind of a new future
or even a reality of excitement and community is such
a defining experience for those of us who do it.
It's also a decision that I think personally is incredibly
important something that we should all do at least once
in our lives. I'm sure it is on more than
(05:19):
one bucket list. It's definitely on my own. So I
think the reason why is that there is something uniquely
really transformative about making the conscious decision to upend everything
in your life that is normal, knowing that it will
be uncomfortable and that it's going to be hard at times,
but also having this really deep understanding that in the
(05:42):
long run it kind of might be the choice that
we look back on and pinpoint as the decision that
really changed everything. Anecdotally, this has been the perspective of
countless people that I have spoken to, countless others who
have written into me and said, you know, move to
New York or London or Barcelona or Canada was the
(06:03):
beginning of my life. It was the best decision I've
ever made. It's kind of a movie moment, right, It's
this movie moment that I think we all deserve. And
the argument I really want to kind of make today
is that, based in a lot of the psychology about
the developmental milestones we're hitting in this decade, about where
(06:25):
we're at in our life journey, our twenties are the
absolute best time to take this risk and to have
that experience, And I of course have my reasons. I'm
going to let you know what they are. I think, firstly,
our twenties are just accompanied by minimal external responsibilities that
are associated with lady gears. So I'm thinking things like children,
(06:49):
even pets, long term partners, financial responsibilities like mortgages, and
even things like study. Right, we often take that off
in our early twenties, and really for a lot of us,
that period comes to an end by twenty two and
twenty three, and we're kind of left with a bit
of a blank canvas, a bit of open space. And
(07:11):
a benefit of that, as scary as it can be,
is that there is nothing holding us back. There is
very little or very few people I guess that we
are accountable for other than ourselves. And that is exactly
the time and the season in which pursuing a big
life change like moving is not only invaluable, but actually
(07:33):
perfect timing. Right, there's a few times in our lives
that I think we can truly say that that this
is perfect timing. Of course, there are a few other
psychological benefits behind why I think this is an important choice.
So moving to a new city provides a bit of
a shock to the system in many ways, and that
acts as a catalyst for a lot of the necessary
(07:54):
growth we need to go through in this decade. So
let me lay out a few of these things for you. Firstly,
I think that experience of being uncomfortable in a new
place for however long that lasts, undoubtedly gets you to
know yourself better. And as we always say, the only
(08:15):
stable relationship in your life is the one you have
with yourself. So building that foundation of independence, of self
reliance and true inner knowledge, I think that's really sacred.
It also reflects this really key milestone that this psychologist
Eric Erickson spoke about, and that is the battle between
(08:35):
identity and confusion. This is this kind of period, this
milestone we all go through at some stage, normally during
our twenties, in which we do have to strike out
on our own and we have to in some ways
push back against the thinking and the traditions of our
families and our parents to form our own identity. And
(08:59):
a new city, I think, miles away from everything you've
ever known, is a really great place to do that.
It's a really amazing place to form your own identity. Secondly,
it provides kind of a challenge which really requires us
to build resilience. And I think resilience is this concept
that we don't speak about enough, but it's really the
(09:20):
ability to recover quickly from setbacks, and that's really crucial
for maintaining good mental strength. And we are going to
encounter setbacks in this scenario, things like visa problems, struggling
to find a good place to rent that's not fifty
million dollars, making new friends, and these experiences, these parts
of that journey, they're really frustrating, they're annoying. But every
(09:42):
time we successfully overcome something like that, it serves as
an important lesson and memory that we are able to
reflect back on when times are hard in the future,
and it provides the hindsight that everything will work out,
that we have actually gone through things that are arguably
quite difficult and come out on the other side. It
(10:04):
also promotes what we would call a growth mindset versus
a fixed mindset. Coming at you with all the psychology
terms here, but someone with a growth mindset they kind
of view things like success and their intelligence and their
abilities as capable of change and capable of improvement through effort.
(10:24):
So when we encounter failure as someone with a growth mindset,
that is not something to be ashamed of. It is
something to be learned from and overcome. On the other hand,
we have the fixed mindset, and someone with that mindset
really views things like intelligence, things like success, things like
luck as inherently stable and unchangeable over time, meaning that
(10:49):
the setbacks and the failures they encounter or the hiccups,
they're not something that they can really adapt to. So
there was a study done by the Stanford Graduate School
of Business and then another one kind of repeating recreating
that study done by the National Institute of Health, and
both of them really firmly showed that having a growth
(11:10):
mindset really boosts our happiness almost in every dimension of life.
And it's also something that we can learn when we
put ourselves through what we would call adaptable challenges. So
there's no point putting yourself in a situation where you
have to fail, Like if you signed up for an
ultra marathon tomorrow, you know, two hundred plus kilometers, that
(11:32):
is not an adaptable situation, like you're probably not going
to be able to complete that run. But if you
do something smaller like sign up for a five K
or move to a new city, or go on a
solo trip by yourself. That is an adaptable situation in
which you can teach yourself that you will be successful,
that you can overcome things that might go wrong, and
(11:54):
that really leads to this better attitude in the future.
Another element of why I think this is a really
invaluable experience for kind of testing us in our twenties
and testing our identity and our personality is that naturally
it really improves our problem solving skills, but also a
(12:15):
big move like the one we're talking about, it really
spurs self reflection. One of the biggest theories around self
awareness and self reflection it was presented by this psychologist
called Duvoo, and what he suggested is that at any
given time, we can be self focused or other focused,
(12:36):
and a lot of the time we're focused on our
external environment. What deadlines do we need to meet, what
do we need to make for dinner? Which friends do
we need to catch up with? All of those kind
of mundane things on our to do list. They really
have their place, like they're important for maintaining routine, but
what they also do is prevent us from that inward
(12:57):
focus that's really crucial, and that's self reflection. It's an
important question to really ask, you know, when was the
last time you really took a second to do a
bit of a mental inventory or check around. What in
your life is actually making you happy? Who is making
you happy? Where is the path you're on now taking you?
(13:20):
And is that actually where you want to be? And
maybe there are even some other bigger existential questions you've
been avoiding. You know, who do I want to be
in the next five years? What decisions can I make
now that my future self will thank me for If
I stay on this path, perhaps one in which I
feel a little bit bored or a little bit stagnant,
(13:41):
maybe not challenged, is that really going to make me
the happiest version of myself in the future. And it's
those hard questions that I think are almost built into
the mental process that we have to undertake before moving
You know, when we contemplate when we might move to,
we really have to take stock of what our vision
is move moving forward? What are our priorities? What's going
(14:02):
to make us truly fulfilled? Right? And like that kind
of creates a fork in the road that really shifts
your timeline, and with some of that, you know a
lot of the core elements of your personality and your
outlook because you're about to encounter all of these novel
experiences and it's those experiences that will shape who you
are during this formative decade. And I think the result
(14:25):
of that, like I've been saying, is really transformative. And finally,
I think one of the other countless benefits too many
to get into of moving is that it reinforces that
deep philosophy that we have said time and time again.
Life is not meant to be convenient and comfortable at
all times. We really grow from discomfort, so choosing what's
(14:49):
easiest kind of defeats the purpose, right, Like, yes, life
can be soft and gentle and peaceful, but if we
don't give ourselves or our minds a challenge every now
and then, or provide it with new stimuli and experiences
like adapting to a new environment, we're gonna feel a
little bit defeated. And at times we see people become
(15:09):
really deeply dissatisfied with their lives. And that's not to
say that moving to a new city is going to
cure that dissatisfaction. That something we'll talk about a little
bit later, But if that's you right now and you're
feeling restless, you're feeling that tingle and that kind of
spark to spontaneously leave everything behind. There are a few
(15:30):
explanations for this, and even more behind why this gut
instinct might be the one that you should be paying
attention to. Humans crave new experiences. In psychology, it's this
phenomenon called novelty seeking or neophilia for those of us
who go to almost extremes to find the thrill of
(15:52):
new experiences like skydiving or risk taking behavior. Basically, the
reasoning is this new things, new new memories, new environments.
They're really interesting, but also they released dopmean in our brains.
They make us curious, and they encourage us to kind
of find out more, and they also just provide very
(16:12):
basic entertainment. Novel things. Through all of those kind of
elements capture our attention. You are more likely to notice
things and be present. And what that experience does is
it activates different regions of our brain and that creates
a really positive experience, a positive feeling, which is why
(16:32):
there is a connection between wanting some novelty in your life,
wanting something new and happiness, and therefore that innate drive
to seek out new experiences, especially when life starts to
feel a little bit boring. So if you're at that point,
maybe what your brain is trying to tell you is,
we kind of need something new here, right, We need
(16:54):
something a little bit different to keep us entertained because
we've kind of taken all that we can from what's
in our current environment, and parts of that might be
you need to kind of switch up your routine. There
are a lot of smaller micro habits that we can
bring into our daily lives, but a big jump or
a change like a new city really kind of provides
(17:16):
your brain with all of that and more. I think
another element as to why a lot of us in
our twenties are particularly attracted to the idea of moving
overseas or anywhere, really is the romance. And I'm not
just talking romance in the lovey dovey sense, but romance
in more of like a literary emotional sense, the romance
(17:38):
of a new city, of rainy days and new bars
and new people. We all want that kind of life
story that people can ask us about. Eighty and we
can surprise them with like the time we lived in
Canada or we took six months to live in Nepal.
I think we all have this very idealized, glamorous storyline
of how we want our life to be and kind
(18:00):
of what's more dreamy in some ways mysterious than you know,
learning who you are and having all of those coming
of age stories in a foreign city. It also really,
I think reflects that drive for adventure, that drive not
only for novelty, but also for kind of freshness and
risk and unexpected surprises. You know, humans are storytellers and
(18:25):
we want good stories to tell, especially when we're in
our twenties and we're kind of young and wild and
chaotic and free. But of course, here's the question we
need to ask ourselves. Will moving actually make us happier?
Can we really just get up, shift our lives to
a new city and leave all of our problems behind.
And it's so funny because I posted a video about
(18:47):
this the other day and one of the comments was
someone essentially warning me very kindly that moving wasn't going
to make me happier, and that really what I was
expressing was kind of like a compulsion to ignore or
avoid my problems. But I think if the issue you're
facing is that your life is just a bit boring
and you're craving a new beginning, moving to a new
(19:08):
city isn't a distraction. It's part of the solution. Not everything,
you know, speaking as someone who runs a psychology podcast,
needs to kind of be pathologized into being a problem.
Not every desire is a projection of some unhealthy coping mechanism.
Sometimes you just want to do something because you want
to do it. But returning to that question, will it
(19:28):
make us happy? There's actually been some research on this.
As always, science has the answers, and there are really
two main schools of thought. One school of thought says, yes,
moving to a new city is kind of the perfect
fresh start that people need to recalibrate their happiness, and
the other camp it says that whilst moving might provide
(19:50):
us with, you know, a temporary fix, a temporary lift
in our mood. In some studies, what they've seen is
that our happiness returns to its baseline, you know, before
we moved, after a little while. So it's hypothesized that
when we keep chasing that feeling, we keep craving novelty
(20:11):
and newness. Sometimes we fall into the trap of never
staying one place for long. So these are the people
that we would call the serial movers, that friend of
yours who is never in one place for very long,
who can never have that commitment to the place they
call home. And it's really rare, I would imagine, But
some therapists have identified that this pattern of behavior, this
(20:34):
really frequent serial moving, is perhaps a defensive strategy in
which we seek external change in our environment to change
what is essentially an internal problem. So I think it's
worth reminding ourselves that no matter how much we move,
you do you know, still take yourself with you. But also,
(20:55):
you know, I think my problems would look a lot
better with an apparol spirts in Italy, or you know,
it would be a lot easier to manage when I'm
walking in the Swiss Alps. Right. What I'm really getting
at is that environmental change it brings perspective, not just distraction.
So what I want to talk about now is another
(21:17):
dimension of this question that we're facing, or this urge
that we're looking at, which is what are some of
the difficulties that we are going to encounter things like fear,
things like anxiety, building new community, loneliness, you know, finding
your place. I think they all come with the territory.
It's all something that we're going to encounter. But really,
(21:37):
what I'm going to outline is my six month rule
that I have when I move to a new city,
and also some of the best tips for settling in
and making the most out of kind of your new home,
out of this new place that you will eventually call home.
All of that and more in just a second. I
(22:03):
think there's really a perfect time to make a big
life change, like choosing to move to a new city.
And if we're always searching for reasons why we shouldn't
do something, you know, maybe you have a partner that
you don't want to leave behind or do long distance with,
or a really good group of friends. If you're always
looking for those reasons, you'll always find that there is
(22:25):
something stopping you. But I think the philosophy that I
want us to take, and I'm sure it's a common one,
is that you don't want to look back in fifty
years and realize that you could have had a completely
different life if you've just taken a bit of a
risk regret really comes from that dark realization that there
is nothing that we can do to change the past.
(22:45):
So we really need to act with our future selves
in mind when making these decisions. So although we've spoken
about all the benefits, another element of it is that
sometimes we can be frozen by fear, kind of almost
playing this tug of war with these two desires do
we stay or do we go? And there's a lot
of things that are underpinning this. It's very natural to
(23:08):
feel anxiety and fear at the precipice of a big
life change, potentially as well, one that's going to upend
one of our core human needs, the need for security.
And what often comes down to is that fear of
the unknown. Humans as a species are really bad at
dealing with uncertainty, and so we like to create our
(23:30):
own hypotheticals or visions of what could come next, kind
of in order to provide us with a sense of
comfort that we can not only predict the future, but
planned for it. And often these ideas or things that
we concoct, they are a lot more negative than what
will actually happen in reality. For example, you know, catastrophizing
(23:51):
and thinking, well, when I get there, i won't have
any friends and I'll be so terribly lonely, and I'll
you know, I'll never find anyone like me. I'll never
find community, So I should just stay where I am.
In that instance, a negative uncertainty bias is impacting your
decision making, and what it's trying to do is scare
you out of pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone. It's
(24:14):
kind of ironic how our minds really crave two things
at once. They crave the novelty and the new experiences,
but also what is comfortable and secure. But I think
by recognizing that your brain is likely to be in
that kind of automatic state of negativity bias, you're actually
better able to distance yourself from those thoughts and think
(24:36):
more rationally and also positively, not just about your current situation,
but also about the future. Additionally, I think major life
changes can cause a lot of stress for us, particularly
US people who feel a lot more comfortable in a routine,
and even for those who like a little bit of risk,
a little bit of trouble, it's still going to present
(24:56):
its challenges. I think what's interesting to note here is
that the brain actually tends to deal with all types
of stressful major life changes in the same way. So
we typically think of certain life events like the death
of a family member or graduating university as things that
are quite stressful. Right. Those are things that we really
(25:19):
recognize as being a little bit scary and almost coming
with a bit of grief. But things that are also
seemingly positive, like celebrating a new marriage or moving, they
can also prompt the brain to react with unease and discomfort.
That's because these experiences, good or bad, however we appraise them,
(25:39):
they go against our sense of normalcy and the consistency
that our brain expects, so it acts with an alarm.
It responds in a state of panic in order to
really make sure that we are processing whether this new
environment or this new experience actually poses a threat importantly
that is going to go away eventually with time, and
(26:02):
when we begin to realize that this new thing, this
new experience, this new situation, it's not as scary as
it needs to be. And here is really where I
want to introduce the idea of the six month rule
that I've already spoken on a little bit. So I've
moved a few times in my life. I moved to Canberra,
from Melbourne for university and then most recently from Canberra
(26:23):
to Sydney, which I think was a much more significant
transition for me given I did not have the structure
of a college or a university environment. And if you
listen to my life update on Tuesday, you'll know there
is the potential also for another big move in the future.
From experience, I realized that when you move to a
new place, it is going to take about six months
(26:45):
to feel settled, just like it takes a few months
to adjust to a new job or a new relationship.
And in those first six months, you cannot make any
drastic decisions. You cannot let yourself move back home, you
cannot let yourself almost give up on the dream, because
it's going to take that amount of time to fully
(27:06):
realize the potential of this new place and actually build
some of those core needs, things like community, things like
a sense of security, things like a sense of place.
And let me tell you from personal experience, it is
like clockwork that six month mark comes around and suddenly
you kind of look up and you feel like you
have people you can call on. You know, the best
(27:28):
local spots, you have your old haunts, the kind of
public transport is down pat And now this is not
a scientific theory, let me really state that clearly. It
is very much anecdotal. But I think the reason that
this timeline fits this situation so well is because the
first couple of months are going to feel really exciting
(27:48):
and romantic and novel. You know, you really haven't had
the time to process the change, so it probably just
feels like a really long holiday. And the next few
months are about adjustment, and that is when the homesickness,
the dislocation, and the loneliness can really take hold. But
then we integrate and we adapt as humans do. We
(28:11):
are very adaptable people. So when we give ourselves the
opportunity to find solutions, what we find is that we
reach that six month mark and we feel really secure
and we feel like we've done the work. There are
a couple of things that we're likely to encounter during
those first few months that I want to discuss, not
to kind of make you scared, but just to kind
(28:32):
of prepare us all with the idea of what moving
actually entails, and to get kind of the best information
possible as someone who has done this before who was
planning on doing it again. Maybe you can, I don't know,
take something from my experience and feel a little bit
less scared, a bit more prepared to make this choice.
So the number one thing that I think we need
(28:52):
to consider has to do with our social relationships and
our sense of community. And I think two critical experiences
that most likely will occur but also come hand in hand,
is that firstly, we will experience kind of a shedding
of old relationships, and number two, it's likely that we're
going to feel a little bit lonely at times. So
(29:13):
let's tackle that first one. There are a number of relationships,
particularly friendships, that we sustain because they are convenient or
out of a sense of obligation. When we move to
a new city, we really separate the true friends from
maybe the ones who are just there for the season
or the moment, maybe because that distance will put a
(29:34):
strain on a connection, however strong it may be. And
it also really minimizes that proximity factor that we know
is important in friendships being close. You know, when I
moved to Sydney, I think my friendship circle shrunk by
about half. There are people who I would see really
frequently back in Canberra who I really haven't spoken to
(29:54):
since I left, and that is absolutely fine. We you know,
the distance kind of separated us realized that what it
really was was convenience and proximity that was keeping us together.
And it may feel really scary at first, like you've
kind of suddenly lost all of those connections, but I
really think that's a natural part of our emotional and
our social development in our twenties. Anyways, everyone is going
(30:18):
to go through it, even if they decide to not
make a change like this. Sometimes we need to shad
some of those excess connections. What will become apparent though,
other people who want to stay in your life. And
I also found that to be a massive experience. The
people who wanted to see you, who call you regularly,
(30:39):
who plan trips back and forth, who just send those
little I'm thinking of you messages, Those are such strong friendships.
And I think when I moved, it really gave me
so much comfort that I really had made the right
decision that the people who really meant the most to
me would stay. You know, distance in this situation does
(30:59):
not mean goodbye, but often when we see those relationships
dropping off, we can be met with a profound sense
of loneliness, and loneliness is not a dangerous feeling. I
want us to remember that it's merely our brain telling
us that it's time to reconnect, the same way that
we feel hungry or we feel cold. However, I think
when we feel like there's no way of doing that,
(31:21):
that is when we can feel most lost. Listen, you're
going to feel lonely every now and again. Slowly but surely, though,
you will meet new people and you will build that
community around you. And I have a few tips as
to how we can do that. Number one, ask your
friends if they have any mutuals in the city that
(31:42):
would be open to kind of meeting you. You know,
often that's the easiest way to find new people is
through existing connections and relationships, because if you like your friends,
which I'm assuming you do, chances are you're going to
like their friends as well, and you know, kind of
bonus points if they also know someone who has also
just moved, because they'll also be looking out for friends
(32:03):
as well. Number two is to join a local social
sporting group. Easy made friends. You see them once a week,
you can go and get beers after you socialize, and
you know, pretty soon you're revealing your darker secrets. You know,
I did futsal for a while and then netball. And
even if these people don't become like your lifelong best friends,
(32:25):
we know from numerous studies that just having that regular
social contact helps alleviate loneliness. There's really few feelings worse
than realizing that you've gone days without speaking to anyone,
and we really want to avoid that. So if sport
isn't your thing, I also think that things like art
classes or pottery classes just somewhere you can go for
(32:49):
a discreete period of time on a regular schedule. My
third tip is to try and keep a routine. Go
to the gym at the same time, go to the
same caf bars, catch the train at the same time.
Work from the office as much as possible, because that
is how you will often encounter the people with the
(33:10):
same schedule as you and kind of bingo, you have
something in common, you have something to talk about, you
see them regularly. It's the easiest way to meet new people.
A few more tips I would say in that first
six month period, say yes to absolutely everything, even if
you think that it's not your cup of tea. Join BUMBLEBFF,
(33:32):
That is also a really big help when we're in
a new city and whatever you do, do not date
within the first six months. You can go on the
casual date, you can have a hookup, but finding a
committed partner during this time is not going to do
you any good. And although it might feel nice to
(33:53):
have someone you can rely on, I think it will
most likely leave you feeling isolated because you don't build
those connections for yourself. I actually spoke to this girl
the other day who had just moved to Sydney and
she had started dating someone like a month into being here,
and eight months later they broke up, but because all
of her friends were his friends, she essentially had to
(34:16):
start from scratch. So I think it's your time to
feel a little bit scared, to feel independent and fly solo,
even if that leaves you feeling a little bit lonely
at times, to not just jump into a new relationship
for that sense of comfort. The other major factor is,
of course, living situation. I don't know about you guys,
but every city around Australia right now is facing a
(34:40):
massive rental shortage and landlords has just taking advantage of
that like crazy. Like I've seen friends have rental increases
of upwards of like two hundred dollars a week like each,
so the cost of living and finding a place to
live is going to be difficult. I think it can
be hard to feel settled if you feel uncomfortable or
(35:02):
uncertain in your housing situation, because like we said before,
that security is one of our foundational needs. That here
are some of the tips that you can bring with
you if you want to give yourself some time to
find a place that you really love that is in
your budget. I would totally suggest house sitting for the
first month whilst you find your feet. Often that also
(35:24):
means you get free accommodations, so good for saving money
and you can actually take your time to find something perfect. Secondly,
share housing is kind of amazing for these situations because,
based on your luck with roommates, you basically have inbuilt
friends from the moment you move, and they typically already
(35:47):
have community that you can kind of access or slot
right into. Also, it's likely to be cheaper, and I
know that living alone is so nice, but it's also
a bit of a luxury, and sometimes I do think
that it can isolate us further when we come home
from a long day at work and we kind of
only have our bed or our TV to comfort us.
(36:09):
It's not for everyone, but literally two of my housemates
we met on Facebook. They had just moved to the
city and their legends and already they kind of feel
like part of the family. Also, around some of that
financial uncertainty, I think moving is inevitably going to cost
you some money. There is no way around that, especially
if you're moving overseas. Things like visas, passport fees, extra luggage,
(36:34):
it adds up. Obviously, financial anxiety can be a really
significant stressor that interrupts the excitement of the experience. And
we did a whole episode on this about a year
ago about how stress around money can really manifest in
our mental and emotional experiences. But basically, I would say,
before you move, try and have enough money saved up
(36:56):
that you could feasibly cover three months of living expense generously.
Kind of see that fund not as an emergency fund,
but as a solution fund if things don't work out
as planned, if the job hunt or the house hunt
is a bit harder than you expected. At least in
that situation, you're not needing to stress from day one,
(37:16):
from the moment you get off the plane, you have
a bit of time, a bit of a buffer to
really sort everything out. My goodness, this is kind of
turning into a financial podcast rather than a psychology podcast.
I did not see that happening. But I think, returning
to that first point, my final piece of advice is
to just give it time. This is such an exciting
(37:39):
chapter in your life. I am excited for you if
this is a choice that you're making. But also it's
not just the good, exciting bits that are important. It's
also about the spectrum of emotions, the frustration, the loneliness,
the fear, the displacement. Not every experience has to be
a good experience, and not every experience has to make
(38:01):
you stronger. But I do think that they bring dimension
into your life, and also they bring you more to
your personality, more to your personhood. What kind of people
would we be if we never challenged ourselves, if we
were never able to kind of take a chance, never
just kind of took that leap of faith and did
(38:21):
it because we wanted to, because that is the future
that we wanted to create for ourselves. I just really
truly think that if you have this opportunity. It is
such a transformative experience, and hopefully I have given you
some sufficient evidence to consider it, but also some of
the ways that you can make that transition easier. Honestly,
(38:43):
from all the comments I've received, there has not been
a single person who has regretted this decision. So I
would say, if we're looking to make the most out
of this decade moving, you know, putting ourselves in that
new environment, exploring a new city, that seems like a
pretty strong contender to help us. Really, I think make
(39:05):
the most out of everything that our twenties has to offer.
So I really hope that you enjoyed this episode. I
certainly did. Honestly, some of the research was really validating
for me, given that this is a decision that I'm
also looking to make, so we are in the same boat,
that is for sure. As always, if you enjoyed this episode,
please feel free to share it with a friend, a
(39:27):
loved one, a family member, a coworker who you think
might need to hear this episode, and leave us a
five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are
listening right now. It really does help the show to
grow and reach new people. We also have a Patreon,
and if you like my content and if you want
to support me further, It really is just me doing
(39:50):
this show and it's a lot of work. I obviously
love it dearly, but if you want to get more content,
bonus episodes, behind the scenes content as well, please feel
free to join our patreon to have access to that
and episode suggestions you can direct them to me on
Instagram at that Psychology Podcast. This is a fun episode.
(40:12):
I really hope you enjoyed it. I definitely did, and
we will be back next week with another episode.
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:26):
Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, it is great to have
you here. Back for another episode. Now, this one is
pretty special because it is kind of almost a part
three from a series that we did a couple of
weeks ago on how we can make the most out
of our twenties. And if you've listened to that episode,
(00:48):
we briefly discussed why it's important to move to a
new city during this decade, whether that is in your
home country or abroad. And you know what, I really
thought that this topic deserved its own entire episode, especially
after so many of you have reached out and let
me known your experiences, what you'd wished you'd known, even
(01:11):
the goals that you have to do this yourself. There
were so many lived experiences but also questions and you know,
questions for advice that I thought we may as well
do it separately. So today that is this episode. We
are going to be unpacking exactly why we feel the
urge to sometimes I would say, upend our lives and
(01:34):
just travel halfway across the globe, why there are numerous
benefits of this, not just psychologically, but also emotionally and socially,
and finally kind of the big question, which is how
do we do it? How can we unlock that potential
dream that so many of us share. I just want
to make a quick disclaimer as well that I totally
(01:55):
understand that this is not always an option for everyone
because of financial concerns or passports or family, and I
really do appreciate that. But for those of us who
do have the opportunities to consider this, I wanted to
really chat through not just some of the practical advice,
but also some of the surprising psychology, Like did you
(02:16):
know that there is a literal term for people who
cannot stay in one place for too long? And there's
also this concept that explains why we kind of get
this restless urge in our twenties. It's called novelty seeking behavior.
So I think that all of us, including myself, will
be very surprised by how much psychology really underpins this.
(02:39):
Very I would say, quintessential twenty something desire. So we're
going to discuss all of that and so much more.
I also want to really discuss and really explore this
idea of a six month rule, and that essentially says
that you need to give any new place you move
wherever that is six months. You have to really dedicate
(03:02):
six months of time, six months of energy before you
can make any further decisions. It takes that amount of
time to kind of establish a community, to find your
favorite restaurants and coffee spots, to get a lay of
the land. And I think anecdotally and from my own life,
this hypothesis is very very accurate. And alongside that, I
(03:23):
also really want to explore what are some of the
actual behaviors that we can instigate one of some of
the things we can do to make our move a
successful one, especially around things like loneliness or fear, those
kind of feelings that we are going to bring to
a new environment, but also these kinds of fears that
are going to hold us back. How can we make friends,
(03:45):
how can we navigate dealing with financial anxiety, how can
we find a place to live, How can we really
come to embrace this new chapter and this new challenge
moving overseas, I think is one of the best things
that we can do at this AA. So if you
have even been toying with the idea, I really hope
(04:06):
that this episode convinces you to bite the bullet. As
we always say, a comfortable life isn't always the best life,
and maybe this is kind of the challenge that you
have been looking for as you start to feel a
little bit stagnant or stuck where you are. I don't
know if it's just me feeling this, but I have
an intuition that this sensation, this experience, longing of boredom,
(04:31):
of the need for excitement, is a lot more common
than we think. So we have a lot to get through.
I'm really excited for this episode, and thank you again
for all of your contributions and ideas. Without further ado,
let us get into some of the psychology behind moving
to a new city in our twenties. Moving to a
(04:58):
new city, recreating ours, paving kind of a new future
or even a reality of excitement and community is such
a defining experience for those of us who do it.
It's also a decision that I think personally is incredibly
important something that we should all do at least once
in our lives. I'm sure it is on more than
(05:19):
one bucket list. It's definitely on my own. So I
think the reason why is that there is something uniquely
really transformative about making the conscious decision to upend everything
in your life that is normal, knowing that it will
be uncomfortable and that it's going to be hard at times,
but also having this really deep understanding that in the
(05:42):
long run it kind of might be the choice that
we look back on and pinpoint as the decision that
really changed everything. Anecdotally, this has been the perspective of
countless people that I have spoken to, countless others who
have written into me and said, you know, move to
New York or London or Barcelona or Canada was the
(06:03):
beginning of my life. It was the best decision I've
ever made. It's kind of a movie moment, right, It's
this movie moment that I think we all deserve. And
the argument I really want to kind of make today
is that, based in a lot of the psychology about
the developmental milestones we're hitting in this decade, about where
(06:25):
we're at in our life journey, our twenties are the
absolute best time to take this risk and to have
that experience, And I of course have my reasons. I'm
going to let you know what they are. I think, firstly,
our twenties are just accompanied by minimal external responsibilities that
are associated with lady gears. So I'm thinking things like children,
(06:49):
even pets, long term partners, financial responsibilities like mortgages, and
even things like study. Right, we often take that off
in our early twenties, and really for a lot of us,
that period comes to an end by twenty two and
twenty three, and we're kind of left with a bit
of a blank canvas, a bit of open space. And
(07:11):
a benefit of that, as scary as it can be,
is that there is nothing holding us back. There is
very little or very few people I guess that we
are accountable for other than ourselves. And that is exactly
the time and the season in which pursuing a big
life change like moving is not only invaluable, but actually
(07:33):
perfect timing. Right, there's a few times in our lives
that I think we can truly say that that this
is perfect timing. Of course, there are a few other
psychological benefits behind why I think this is an important choice.
So moving to a new city provides a bit of
a shock to the system in many ways, and that
acts as a catalyst for a lot of the necessary
(07:54):
growth we need to go through in this decade. So
let me lay out a few of these things for you. Firstly,
I think that experience of being uncomfortable in a new
place for however long that lasts, undoubtedly gets you to
know yourself better. And as we always say, the only
(08:15):
stable relationship in your life is the one you have
with yourself. So building that foundation of independence, of self
reliance and true inner knowledge, I think that's really sacred.
It also reflects this really key milestone that this psychologist
Eric Erickson spoke about, and that is the battle between
(08:35):
identity and confusion. This is this kind of period, this
milestone we all go through at some stage, normally during
our twenties, in which we do have to strike out
on our own and we have to in some ways
push back against the thinking and the traditions of our
families and our parents to form our own identity. And
(08:59):
a new city, I think, miles away from everything you've
ever known, is a really great place to do that.
It's a really amazing place to form your own identity. Secondly,
it provides kind of a challenge which really requires us
to build resilience. And I think resilience is this concept
that we don't speak about enough, but it's really the
(09:20):
ability to recover quickly from setbacks, and that's really crucial
for maintaining good mental strength. And we are going to
encounter setbacks in this scenario, things like visa problems, struggling
to find a good place to rent that's not fifty
million dollars, making new friends, and these experiences, these parts
of that journey, they're really frustrating, they're annoying. But every
(09:42):
time we successfully overcome something like that, it serves as
an important lesson and memory that we are able to
reflect back on when times are hard in the future,
and it provides the hindsight that everything will work out,
that we have actually gone through things that are arguably
quite difficult and come out on the other side. It
(10:04):
also promotes what we would call a growth mindset versus
a fixed mindset. Coming at you with all the psychology
terms here, but someone with a growth mindset they kind
of view things like success and their intelligence and their
abilities as capable of change and capable of improvement through effort.
(10:24):
So when we encounter failure as someone with a growth mindset,
that is not something to be ashamed of. It is
something to be learned from and overcome. On the other hand,
we have the fixed mindset, and someone with that mindset
really views things like intelligence, things like success, things like
luck as inherently stable and unchangeable over time, meaning that
(10:49):
the setbacks and the failures they encounter or the hiccups,
they're not something that they can really adapt to. So
there was a study done by the Stanford Graduate School
of Business and then another one kind of repeating recreating
that study done by the National Institute of Health, and
both of them really firmly showed that having a growth
(11:10):
mindset really boosts our happiness almost in every dimension of life.
And it's also something that we can learn when we
put ourselves through what we would call adaptable challenges. So
there's no point putting yourself in a situation where you
have to fail, Like if you signed up for an
ultra marathon tomorrow, you know, two hundred plus kilometers, that
(11:32):
is not an adaptable situation, like you're probably not going
to be able to complete that run. But if you
do something smaller like sign up for a five K
or move to a new city, or go on a
solo trip by yourself. That is an adaptable situation in
which you can teach yourself that you will be successful,
that you can overcome things that might go wrong, and
(11:54):
that really leads to this better attitude in the future.
Another element of why I think this is a really
invaluable experience for kind of testing us in our twenties
and testing our identity and our personality is that naturally
it really improves our problem solving skills, but also a
(12:15):
big move like the one we're talking about, it really
spurs self reflection. One of the biggest theories around self
awareness and self reflection it was presented by this psychologist
called Duvoo, and what he suggested is that at any
given time, we can be self focused or other focused,
(12:36):
and a lot of the time we're focused on our
external environment. What deadlines do we need to meet, what
do we need to make for dinner? Which friends do
we need to catch up with? All of those kind
of mundane things on our to do list. They really
have their place, like they're important for maintaining routine, but
what they also do is prevent us from that inward
(12:57):
focus that's really crucial, and that's self reflection. It's an
important question to really ask, you know, when was the
last time you really took a second to do a
bit of a mental inventory or check around. What in
your life is actually making you happy? Who is making
you happy? Where is the path you're on now taking you?
(13:20):
And is that actually where you want to be? And
maybe there are even some other bigger existential questions you've
been avoiding. You know, who do I want to be
in the next five years? What decisions can I make
now that my future self will thank me for If
I stay on this path, perhaps one in which I
feel a little bit bored or a little bit stagnant,
(13:41):
maybe not challenged, is that really going to make me
the happiest version of myself in the future. And it's
those hard questions that I think are almost built into
the mental process that we have to undertake before moving
You know, when we contemplate when we might move to,
we really have to take stock of what our vision
is move moving forward? What are our priorities? What's going
(14:02):
to make us truly fulfilled? Right? And like that kind
of creates a fork in the road that really shifts
your timeline, and with some of that, you know a
lot of the core elements of your personality and your
outlook because you're about to encounter all of these novel
experiences and it's those experiences that will shape who you
are during this formative decade. And I think the result
(14:25):
of that, like I've been saying, is really transformative. And finally,
I think one of the other countless benefits too many
to get into of moving is that it reinforces that
deep philosophy that we have said time and time again.
Life is not meant to be convenient and comfortable at
all times. We really grow from discomfort, so choosing what's
(14:49):
easiest kind of defeats the purpose, right, Like, yes, life
can be soft and gentle and peaceful, but if we
don't give ourselves or our minds a challenge every now
and then, or provide it with new stimuli and experiences
like adapting to a new environment, we're gonna feel a
little bit defeated. And at times we see people become
(15:09):
really deeply dissatisfied with their lives. And that's not to
say that moving to a new city is going to
cure that dissatisfaction. That something we'll talk about a little
bit later, But if that's you right now and you're
feeling restless, you're feeling that tingle and that kind of
spark to spontaneously leave everything behind. There are a few
(15:30):
explanations for this, and even more behind why this gut
instinct might be the one that you should be paying
attention to. Humans crave new experiences. In psychology, it's this
phenomenon called novelty seeking or neophilia for those of us
who go to almost extremes to find the thrill of
(15:52):
new experiences like skydiving or risk taking behavior. Basically, the
reasoning is this new things, new new memories, new environments.
They're really interesting, but also they released dopmean in our brains.
They make us curious, and they encourage us to kind
of find out more, and they also just provide very
(16:12):
basic entertainment. Novel things. Through all of those kind of
elements capture our attention. You are more likely to notice
things and be present. And what that experience does is
it activates different regions of our brain and that creates
a really positive experience, a positive feeling, which is why
(16:32):
there is a connection between wanting some novelty in your life,
wanting something new and happiness, and therefore that innate drive
to seek out new experiences, especially when life starts to
feel a little bit boring. So if you're at that point,
maybe what your brain is trying to tell you is,
we kind of need something new here, right, We need
(16:54):
something a little bit different to keep us entertained because
we've kind of taken all that we can from what's
in our current environment, and parts of that might be
you need to kind of switch up your routine. There
are a lot of smaller micro habits that we can
bring into our daily lives, but a big jump or
a change like a new city really kind of provides
(17:16):
your brain with all of that and more. I think
another element as to why a lot of us in
our twenties are particularly attracted to the idea of moving
overseas or anywhere, really is the romance. And I'm not
just talking romance in the lovey dovey sense, but romance
in more of like a literary emotional sense, the romance
(17:38):
of a new city, of rainy days and new bars
and new people. We all want that kind of life
story that people can ask us about. Eighty and we
can surprise them with like the time we lived in
Canada or we took six months to live in Nepal.
I think we all have this very idealized, glamorous storyline
of how we want our life to be and kind
(18:00):
of what's more dreamy in some ways mysterious than you know,
learning who you are and having all of those coming
of age stories in a foreign city. It also really,
I think reflects that drive for adventure, that drive not
only for novelty, but also for kind of freshness and
risk and unexpected surprises. You know, humans are storytellers and
(18:25):
we want good stories to tell, especially when we're in
our twenties and we're kind of young and wild and
chaotic and free. But of course, here's the question we
need to ask ourselves. Will moving actually make us happier?
Can we really just get up, shift our lives to
a new city and leave all of our problems behind.
And it's so funny because I posted a video about
(18:47):
this the other day and one of the comments was
someone essentially warning me very kindly that moving wasn't going
to make me happier, and that really what I was
expressing was kind of like a compulsion to ignore or
avoid my problems. But I think if the issue you're
facing is that your life is just a bit boring
and you're craving a new beginning, moving to a new
(19:08):
city isn't a distraction. It's part of the solution. Not everything,
you know, speaking as someone who runs a psychology podcast,
needs to kind of be pathologized into being a problem.
Not every desire is a projection of some unhealthy coping mechanism.
Sometimes you just want to do something because you want
to do it. But returning to that question, will it
(19:28):
make us happy? There's actually been some research on this.
As always, science has the answers, and there are really
two main schools of thought. One school of thought says, yes,
moving to a new city is kind of the perfect
fresh start that people need to recalibrate their happiness, and
the other camp it says that whilst moving might provide
(19:50):
us with, you know, a temporary fix, a temporary lift
in our mood. In some studies, what they've seen is
that our happiness returns to its baseline, you know, before
we moved, after a little while. So it's hypothesized that
when we keep chasing that feeling, we keep craving novelty
(20:11):
and newness. Sometimes we fall into the trap of never
staying one place for long. So these are the people
that we would call the serial movers, that friend of
yours who is never in one place for very long,
who can never have that commitment to the place they
call home. And it's really rare, I would imagine, But
some therapists have identified that this pattern of behavior, this
(20:34):
really frequent serial moving, is perhaps a defensive strategy in
which we seek external change in our environment to change
what is essentially an internal problem. So I think it's
worth reminding ourselves that no matter how much we move,
you do you know, still take yourself with you. But also,
(20:55):
you know, I think my problems would look a lot
better with an apparol spirts in Italy, or you know,
it would be a lot easier to manage when I'm
walking in the Swiss Alps. Right. What I'm really getting
at is that environmental change it brings perspective, not just distraction.
So what I want to talk about now is another
(21:17):
dimension of this question that we're facing, or this urge
that we're looking at, which is what are some of
the difficulties that we are going to encounter things like fear,
things like anxiety, building new community, loneliness, you know, finding
your place. I think they all come with the territory.
It's all something that we're going to encounter. But really,
(21:37):
what I'm going to outline is my six month rule
that I have when I move to a new city,
and also some of the best tips for settling in
and making the most out of kind of your new home,
out of this new place that you will eventually call home.
All of that and more in just a second. I
(22:03):
think there's really a perfect time to make a big
life change, like choosing to move to a new city.
And if we're always searching for reasons why we shouldn't
do something, you know, maybe you have a partner that
you don't want to leave behind or do long distance with,
or a really good group of friends. If you're always
looking for those reasons, you'll always find that there is
(22:25):
something stopping you. But I think the philosophy that I
want us to take, and I'm sure it's a common one,
is that you don't want to look back in fifty
years and realize that you could have had a completely
different life if you've just taken a bit of a
risk regret really comes from that dark realization that there
is nothing that we can do to change the past.
(22:45):
So we really need to act with our future selves
in mind when making these decisions. So although we've spoken
about all the benefits, another element of it is that
sometimes we can be frozen by fear, kind of almost
playing this tug of war with these two desires do
we stay or do we go? And there's a lot
of things that are underpinning this. It's very natural to
(23:08):
feel anxiety and fear at the precipice of a big
life change, potentially as well, one that's going to upend
one of our core human needs, the need for security.
And what often comes down to is that fear of
the unknown. Humans as a species are really bad at
dealing with uncertainty, and so we like to create our
(23:30):
own hypotheticals or visions of what could come next, kind
of in order to provide us with a sense of
comfort that we can not only predict the future, but
planned for it. And often these ideas or things that
we concoct, they are a lot more negative than what
will actually happen in reality. For example, you know, catastrophizing
(23:51):
and thinking, well, when I get there, i won't have
any friends and I'll be so terribly lonely, and I'll
you know, I'll never find anyone like me. I'll never
find community, So I should just stay where I am.
In that instance, a negative uncertainty bias is impacting your
decision making, and what it's trying to do is scare
you out of pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone. It's
(24:14):
kind of ironic how our minds really crave two things
at once. They crave the novelty and the new experiences,
but also what is comfortable and secure. But I think
by recognizing that your brain is likely to be in
that kind of automatic state of negativity bias, you're actually
better able to distance yourself from those thoughts and think
(24:36):
more rationally and also positively, not just about your current situation,
but also about the future. Additionally, I think major life
changes can cause a lot of stress for us, particularly
US people who feel a lot more comfortable in a routine,
and even for those who like a little bit of risk,
a little bit of trouble, it's still going to present
(24:56):
its challenges. I think what's interesting to note here is
that the brain actually tends to deal with all types
of stressful major life changes in the same way. So
we typically think of certain life events like the death
of a family member or graduating university as things that
are quite stressful. Right. Those are things that we really
(25:19):
recognize as being a little bit scary and almost coming
with a bit of grief. But things that are also
seemingly positive, like celebrating a new marriage or moving, they
can also prompt the brain to react with unease and discomfort.
That's because these experiences, good or bad, however we appraise them,
(25:39):
they go against our sense of normalcy and the consistency
that our brain expects, so it acts with an alarm.
It responds in a state of panic in order to
really make sure that we are processing whether this new
environment or this new experience actually poses a threat importantly
that is going to go away eventually with time, and
(26:02):
when we begin to realize that this new thing, this
new experience, this new situation, it's not as scary as
it needs to be. And here is really where I
want to introduce the idea of the six month rule
that I've already spoken on a little bit. So I've
moved a few times in my life. I moved to Canberra,
from Melbourne for university and then most recently from Canberra
(26:23):
to Sydney, which I think was a much more significant
transition for me given I did not have the structure
of a college or a university environment. And if you
listen to my life update on Tuesday, you'll know there
is the potential also for another big move in the future.
From experience, I realized that when you move to a
new place, it is going to take about six months
(26:45):
to feel settled, just like it takes a few months
to adjust to a new job or a new relationship.
And in those first six months, you cannot make any
drastic decisions. You cannot let yourself move back home, you
cannot let yourself almost give up on the dream, because
it's going to take that amount of time to fully
(27:06):
realize the potential of this new place and actually build
some of those core needs, things like community, things like
a sense of security, things like a sense of place.
And let me tell you from personal experience, it is
like clockwork that six month mark comes around and suddenly
you kind of look up and you feel like you
have people you can call on. You know, the best
(27:28):
local spots, you have your old haunts, the kind of
public transport is down pat And now this is not
a scientific theory, let me really state that clearly. It
is very much anecdotal. But I think the reason that
this timeline fits this situation so well is because the
first couple of months are going to feel really exciting
(27:48):
and romantic and novel. You know, you really haven't had
the time to process the change, so it probably just
feels like a really long holiday. And the next few
months are about adjustment, and that is when the homesickness,
the dislocation, and the loneliness can really take hold. But
then we integrate and we adapt as humans do. We
(28:11):
are very adaptable people. So when we give ourselves the
opportunity to find solutions, what we find is that we
reach that six month mark and we feel really secure
and we feel like we've done the work. There are
a couple of things that we're likely to encounter during
those first few months that I want to discuss, not
to kind of make you scared, but just to kind
(28:32):
of prepare us all with the idea of what moving
actually entails, and to get kind of the best information
possible as someone who has done this before who was
planning on doing it again. Maybe you can, I don't know,
take something from my experience and feel a little bit
less scared, a bit more prepared to make this choice.
So the number one thing that I think we need
(28:52):
to consider has to do with our social relationships and
our sense of community. And I think two critical experiences
that most likely will occur but also come hand in hand,
is that firstly, we will experience kind of a shedding
of old relationships, and number two, it's likely that we're
going to feel a little bit lonely at times. So
(29:13):
let's tackle that first one. There are a number of relationships,
particularly friendships, that we sustain because they are convenient or
out of a sense of obligation. When we move to
a new city, we really separate the true friends from
maybe the ones who are just there for the season
or the moment, maybe because that distance will put a
(29:34):
strain on a connection, however strong it may be. And
it also really minimizes that proximity factor that we know
is important in friendships being close. You know, when I
moved to Sydney, I think my friendship circle shrunk by
about half. There are people who I would see really
frequently back in Canberra who I really haven't spoken to
(29:54):
since I left, and that is absolutely fine. We you know,
the distance kind of separated us realized that what it
really was was convenience and proximity that was keeping us together.
And it may feel really scary at first, like you've
kind of suddenly lost all of those connections, but I
really think that's a natural part of our emotional and
our social development in our twenties. Anyways, everyone is going
(30:18):
to go through it, even if they decide to not
make a change like this. Sometimes we need to shad
some of those excess connections. What will become apparent though,
other people who want to stay in your life. And
I also found that to be a massive experience. The
people who wanted to see you, who call you regularly,
(30:39):
who plan trips back and forth, who just send those
little I'm thinking of you messages, Those are such strong friendships.
And I think when I moved, it really gave me
so much comfort that I really had made the right
decision that the people who really meant the most to
me would stay. You know, distance in this situation does
(30:59):
not mean goodbye, but often when we see those relationships
dropping off, we can be met with a profound sense
of loneliness, and loneliness is not a dangerous feeling. I
want us to remember that it's merely our brain telling
us that it's time to reconnect, the same way that
we feel hungry or we feel cold. However, I think
when we feel like there's no way of doing that,
(31:21):
that is when we can feel most lost. Listen, you're
going to feel lonely every now and again. Slowly but surely, though,
you will meet new people and you will build that
community around you. And I have a few tips as
to how we can do that. Number one, ask your
friends if they have any mutuals in the city that
(31:42):
would be open to kind of meeting you. You know,
often that's the easiest way to find new people is
through existing connections and relationships, because if you like your friends,
which I'm assuming you do, chances are you're going to
like their friends as well, and you know, kind of
bonus points if they also know someone who has also
just moved, because they'll also be looking out for friends
(32:03):
as well. Number two is to join a local social
sporting group. Easy made friends. You see them once a week,
you can go and get beers after you socialize, and
you know, pretty soon you're revealing your darker secrets. You know,
I did futsal for a while and then netball. And
even if these people don't become like your lifelong best friends,
(32:25):
we know from numerous studies that just having that regular
social contact helps alleviate loneliness. There's really few feelings worse
than realizing that you've gone days without speaking to anyone,
and we really want to avoid that. So if sport
isn't your thing, I also think that things like art
classes or pottery classes just somewhere you can go for
(32:49):
a discreete period of time on a regular schedule. My
third tip is to try and keep a routine. Go
to the gym at the same time, go to the
same caf bars, catch the train at the same time.
Work from the office as much as possible, because that
is how you will often encounter the people with the
(33:10):
same schedule as you and kind of bingo, you have
something in common, you have something to talk about, you
see them regularly. It's the easiest way to meet new people.
A few more tips I would say in that first
six month period, say yes to absolutely everything, even if
you think that it's not your cup of tea. Join BUMBLEBFF,
(33:32):
That is also a really big help when we're in
a new city and whatever you do, do not date
within the first six months. You can go on the
casual date, you can have a hookup, but finding a
committed partner during this time is not going to do
you any good. And although it might feel nice to
(33:53):
have someone you can rely on, I think it will
most likely leave you feeling isolated because you don't build
those connections for yourself. I actually spoke to this girl
the other day who had just moved to Sydney and
she had started dating someone like a month into being here,
and eight months later they broke up, but because all
of her friends were his friends, she essentially had to
(34:16):
start from scratch. So I think it's your time to
feel a little bit scared, to feel independent and fly solo,
even if that leaves you feeling a little bit lonely
at times, to not just jump into a new relationship
for that sense of comfort. The other major factor is,
of course, living situation. I don't know about you guys,
but every city around Australia right now is facing a
(34:40):
massive rental shortage and landlords has just taking advantage of
that like crazy. Like I've seen friends have rental increases
of upwards of like two hundred dollars a week like each,
so the cost of living and finding a place to
live is going to be difficult. I think it can
be hard to feel settled if you feel uncomfortable or
(35:02):
uncertain in your housing situation, because like we said before,
that security is one of our foundational needs. That here
are some of the tips that you can bring with
you if you want to give yourself some time to
find a place that you really love that is in
your budget. I would totally suggest house sitting for the
first month whilst you find your feet. Often that also
(35:24):
means you get free accommodations, so good for saving money
and you can actually take your time to find something perfect. Secondly,
share housing is kind of amazing for these situations because,
based on your luck with roommates, you basically have inbuilt
friends from the moment you move, and they typically already
(35:47):
have community that you can kind of access or slot
right into. Also, it's likely to be cheaper, and I
know that living alone is so nice, but it's also
a bit of a luxury, and sometimes I do think
that it can isolate us further when we come home
from a long day at work and we kind of
only have our bed or our TV to comfort us.
(36:09):
It's not for everyone, but literally two of my housemates
we met on Facebook. They had just moved to the
city and their legends and already they kind of feel
like part of the family. Also, around some of that
financial uncertainty, I think moving is inevitably going to cost
you some money. There is no way around that, especially
if you're moving overseas. Things like visas, passport fees, extra luggage,
(36:34):
it adds up. Obviously, financial anxiety can be a really
significant stressor that interrupts the excitement of the experience. And
we did a whole episode on this about a year
ago about how stress around money can really manifest in
our mental and emotional experiences. But basically, I would say,
before you move, try and have enough money saved up
(36:56):
that you could feasibly cover three months of living expense generously.
Kind of see that fund not as an emergency fund,
but as a solution fund if things don't work out
as planned, if the job hunt or the house hunt
is a bit harder than you expected. At least in
that situation, you're not needing to stress from day one,
(37:16):
from the moment you get off the plane, you have
a bit of time, a bit of a buffer to
really sort everything out. My goodness, this is kind of
turning into a financial podcast rather than a psychology podcast.
I did not see that happening. But I think, returning
to that first point, my final piece of advice is
to just give it time. This is such an exciting
(37:39):
chapter in your life. I am excited for you if
this is a choice that you're making. But also it's
not just the good, exciting bits that are important. It's
also about the spectrum of emotions, the frustration, the loneliness,
the fear, the displacement. Not every experience has to be
a good experience, and not every experience has to make
(38:01):
you stronger. But I do think that they bring dimension
into your life, and also they bring you more to
your personality, more to your personhood. What kind of people
would we be if we never challenged ourselves, if we
were never able to kind of take a chance, never
just kind of took that leap of faith and did
(38:21):
it because we wanted to, because that is the future
that we wanted to create for ourselves. I just really
truly think that if you have this opportunity. It is
such a transformative experience, and hopefully I have given you
some sufficient evidence to consider it, but also some of
the ways that you can make that transition easier. Honestly,
(38:43):
from all the comments I've received, there has not been
a single person who has regretted this decision. So I
would say, if we're looking to make the most out
of this decade moving, you know, putting ourselves in that
new environment, exploring a new city, that seems like a
pretty strong contender to help us. Really, I think make
(39:05):
the most out of everything that our twenties has to offer.
So I really hope that you enjoyed this episode. I
certainly did. Honestly, some of the research was really validating
for me, given that this is a decision that I'm
also looking to make, so we are in the same boat,
that is for sure. As always, if you enjoyed this episode,
please feel free to share it with a friend, a
(39:27):
loved one, a family member, a coworker who you think
might need to hear this episode, and leave us a
five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are
listening right now. It really does help the show to
grow and reach new people. We also have a Patreon,
and if you like my content and if you want
to support me further, It really is just me doing
(39:50):
this show and it's a lot of work. I obviously
love it dearly, but if you want to get more content,
bonus episodes, behind the scenes content as well, please feel
free to join our patreon to have access to that
and episode suggestions you can direct them to me on
Instagram at that Psychology Podcast. This is a fun episode.
(40:12):
I really hope you enjoyed it. I definitely did, and
we will be back next week with another episode.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
Popular Podcasts
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy And Charlamagne Tha God!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Decisions, Decisions
Welcome to "Decisions, Decisions," the podcast where boundaries are pushed, and conversations get candid! Join your favorite hosts, Mandii B and WeezyWTF, as they dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often-taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday, Mandii and Weezy invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, they share their personal journeys navigating their 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engaging in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that resonate with your experiences, "Decisions, Decisions" is your go-to source for open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections—tune in and join the conversation!