December 11, 2023 • 45 mins
We all know the feeling of going on a few dates with someone and, suddenly, you're unable to stop checking your phone for messages, wondering when they're free, imagining the wedding, your future kids. And then we are left depleted, ghosted or disappointed. This is what happens when we romanticise the idea of someone, engage in fantasy bonding and it can often end up sabotaging the relationship.
In today's episode we are joined by the wonderful Lyss Boss, host of the Date Yourself Instead podcast to break down how we can take things slow and not get caught up in the idea of someone before we truly know them. Listen now.
Follow Lyss: @lyss
Listen to Date Yourself Instead here: https://open.spotify.com/show/6ie2ywivlNvFCO8LLJYgo7?si=7f7b358f090c4c28
Follow me: @jemmasbeg
Follow us on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:26):
Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, it is so great to
have you here, back for another episode as we break
down the Psychology of Your Twenties. It is December, which
means it is the guest season of the podcast, and
today we're bringing on someone who has actually been here before,
(00:48):
who I'm actually a massive fan of. I would say
we're friends, she can say, she can confirm all tonight,
but I feel like, if you don't know who list
is and her podcast, date yourself instead, what are you doing?
She is incredible, She is amazing, and she is here
(01:08):
today to talk about how we can stop getting attached
so quickly. Liz, thank you so much for coming on again.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Yeah, thank you for having me again. I'm so excited,
and I know it's the most cozy time of year
and everyone's getting prepared for the holidays. I'm very excited
to be here. I'm also very jealous that it's actually
summer where you are and freezing cold where I am.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Yeah, I know, but by the time I'm by the
time this is released, I will be where you are
as well, so we can suffer together in the New
York winter.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Yes, but New York is absolutely amazing during the holiday season,
so I'm really excited for you to come.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
I am as well. I feel like I'm hoping for
a white Christmas fingers crossed. We will see what it brings.
But I feel like, if you're listening to this and
you have not listened to the first episode we did together,
which was like back at the start of the year,
pause and go and listen to that first.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
Because it is very, very good.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
But do you want to tell people kind of what
you do the basis for your show, because I feel
like for those of the listeners who are if you
are single right now, if you are someone who is
trying to date in your twenties or your thirties or beyond,
who is struggling with self worth, with actually investing in
(02:25):
yourself and investing in the right people, what do you
talk about on your show?
Speaker 2 (02:29):
List I talk about all things self love, healing. If
you're going through a breakup, if you're going through a
hard time. The reason I created the date Yourself Instead
movement was to really just put the focus back on yourself,
especially if you are coming out of a breakup, you
can often lose yourself or forget who you were before
you met that person. And it was inspired by my
(02:49):
own breakup, and a lot of the messaging is just
centered around knowing yourself, knowing your worth, stepping into your power.
And that's why I'm really excited to talk about this
particular topic today, all about attachment, because it ties in
perfectly to pretty much everything I talk about.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
Also, I feel like a lot of our episodes overlap.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
Yeah, especially the dating episodes, because I think that when
we talk about attachment in our twenties, it is really
at the root of a lot of the I would say,
like love conundrums that we come across, right, the fact
that there are some of us out there, like the
hopeless romantics, the sentimental, the sensitive, who, no matter how
(03:28):
hard we try, get attached way too quickly to another person,
project this whole like fantasy onto this individual that we
might not even know yet. You know, when I was single,
I remember like going on like one or two dates
with someone and being like yeah, so like wedding will
probably be in June, you know, for summer, and like
(03:52):
hopefully he's okay if we call our kids this. And
I don't think that it helps you, Like, I don't
think it helps you. I don't think it helps the relationship.
It makes you so much more invested and more likely
to be hurt early on, and it doesn't really let
the relationship develop. But I think that we can know
all of these things about us, right, Like we can
understand that this is our patent, this is our habit
(04:14):
and relationships, this is part of who we are to
get attached and not really know what to do about it.
So why do you think that we get attached too quickly?
Like what are some of the major reasons that you've identified?
Speaker 2 (04:27):
You know, I'm the type of person who used to
get so overly attached and I knew I was getting
attached to the wrong person all the time, but it
was really out of fear. And I talk about this
a lot, like when you are alone and you really
miss having someone in your life and you miss having
a partner, and then you meet someone new that has
some slight potential. You kind of grasp onto it because
(04:50):
you're like, oh my god, you know, we like the
same foods and we had a lot in common on
the first date, and maybe this could go somewhere, and
we fantasize and project this fantasy onto that person with
out really knowing anything about them. If we're coming from
a place of fear that we're going to be alone forever,
I think it's out of you're operating out of fear essentially,
when you laugh yourself onto someone that you don't even
(05:11):
know that well, or maybe you know you've only been
on a couple of dates, and you're like, this is
the one, when in reality, I mean, sometimes they can
be the one, sometimes it can work out, but oftentimes
I just remember getting myself into a lot of situations,
and even a situation I came out of recently where
I saw bits and pieces of potential, and just because
(05:31):
I'm alone and I wasn't really seeing anyone else, I
latched onto this idea of them that wasn't even real.
And I think a lot of people can relate to that.
Speaker 1 (05:41):
It's like the fantasy bonding, right, You're not falling in
love with who this person is in reality, you're falling
in love with a version of them that you've created
in your head that you are that is like the
perfect person for you, right, especially like when you said,
you're operating from a place of fear where a lot
of us have this intrinsic I think intrinsic anxiety and
(06:05):
worry that we will be alone forever. And maybe part
of preventing yourself from getting attached so quickly is understanding
that that might not actually be the worst thing in
the world. You know, it's not a death. Like not
finding someone before thirty or before forty or before fifty
does not mean that your life will not have meaning,
(06:26):
doesn't mean that you can't still be a very content
and happy person. Do you think that that's also part
of the fear, like the fear that to not have
a partner means that your life is kind of wasted
or that you're missing out on something.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
Well.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
I think the feeling of love, if you've gotten a
taste of it before, it's something that we're constantly chasing
because that high, like when you're first getting to know
someone and it actually starts working. If you've been in
love before, I think it's easy to want that again
and again and kind of you know, search for it
(07:00):
and look for it again and again, and you know,
I think that's a part of the process of everything.
Like I think there's no shame in trying to like
seek out those good feelings and seek out those emotions
that could make you want to feel like you're in
love again. But at the same time, yeah, I think
it often comes, like love comes and anything comes in life,
(07:23):
when you're most grounded in your own frame and you're
focused on yourself and you become more magnetic when you're
just centered and you're not actively trying to seek all
of these things. And that's why when we were talking
about before, like when you met your boyfriend, it's like
when you aren't really looking for it and you kind
of least expect it, but at the same time, you're
(07:45):
open to opportunity. Like it's not completely closing yourself off
from anything. It's just kind of going with the flow
and trusting the process. And that's why I always say, like,
trust the process and I have that tattoo because it's
kind of like a way to not keep that resistance
and you know, if you're wanting something too badly, it's
(08:06):
almost blocking you from actually finding the right person. And
when you attach yourself to people that aren't good for
you, you're often kind of blocking what could actually be good
for you.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
I one hundred percent agree with that one hundred percent
because I think that when you are when you are
overlooking parts of someone that you know are not good
for you just because you want connection, just because you
want intimacy, what you're really doing is kind of abandoning
yourself for the for someone else's gain. Right, you're abandoning
yourself and putting up with someone else's behavior that you
(08:39):
probably wouldn't tolerate from the love of your life. I
saw this thing the other day that was like, the
love of your life would not treat you the way
that you're being treated, So stop confusing I think attachment
with love or with actual connection. And also, when when
you're able to identify exactly what you want, exactly who
(09:00):
you are, there is this confidence to you that means
that you will suddenly attract so many people who are
much better options, and people will actually be able to
know you as who you are. And I think knowing
yourself for who you are means that that unconditional love
(09:20):
that we expect from others is going to be true, right,
It's not going to be based on a fantasy they
have a view either or a fantasy that you have
of them, because you're really like centered and grounded in
your own reality and in what in your own expectations
and in your own sensive self.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
And I think it's easier said than done, too, because
there's a lot of times where you know, I create
these boundaries for myself, and I create really high standards
for myself in my head. And sometimes if you just
tell yourself, yeah, like I'm not going to tolerate this,
I'm not going to tolerate that, it's not really that
effective because words are words.
Speaker 3 (09:57):
You really have to feel it and believe it.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
You know, you really have to be in a place
in your life where you're actually grounded and you actually
have worked on yourself a lot and healed so many
parts of yourself that you know that you will not
settle for.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
Anything less than what you deserve.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
And I was humbled recently from a situation where you know,
and I'm going to talk about this on my own
podcast at some point, but like.
Speaker 3 (10:18):
I'll say it on here.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
Also, I was in a situation recently where I got
attached to this idea of the potential of what something
could be with a person that kept convincing me that
he was going to change, and anytime I would bring
something up, you know, I would see bits and pieces
of potential where he was treating me right at certain points,
and he was doing and saying the right things at
(10:40):
certain points, but there were so many other problems and
I would overlook it because I got attached to the fantasy.
And it's such a common thing because when you want
to see the good in people and when you want
love and you are a loving person, it's easy to
latch on and there's no shame in it, but it
just it's there to teach you a valuable lesson about,
you know, really putting all that energy into yourself versus
(11:05):
externally throwing it at someone else that doesn't deserve it.
And I think I learned that through a lot of
my situationships and relationships in general.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
So yeah, but you get to like a good point
where it's like these relationships are not a waste, right,
Like they are teaching you something. I used to be
like every person who breaks my heart, every person where
it doesn't work, is just one step closer to someone
who will. And if you poured all of that love
and all of that energy and that intimacy and that
(11:35):
time into the wrong person, imagine how amazing it's gonna
be when when it's with the right person. Like, imagine
how like it's just gonna be. It's and I know
this to be true, Like it's insane, and it's the
best feeling when the love that you've always shown people
that's never been reciprocated is finally reciprocated and you realize
(11:56):
what true attachment and true connection and true can patibility
actually feels like, rather than getting caught up in the
intensity in the fantasy, in like the anxiety of pursuing
someone who doesn't want you back. Because I also think
that sometimes we confuse a lot of that anxiety with
excitement and with chemistry. I don't know if you do this,
(12:20):
but I think that it's just they feel very similar
in our bodies, and so we confuse the sensations and
that creates this very instantaneous attachment.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
Yeah, I mean, I think my rule now with my
emotions is if I'm at all uncomfortable, anxious and worried,
within the first few dates. It's a hard no, like
your gut will tell you almost instantly if it's not
gonna work, and well, at least for me, I truly
believe that. And I did this survey on my Instagram
(12:52):
a while ago that was asking people who were in
serious relationships or married how they knew their person was
the one and they weren't just getting, you know, attached
to some random person. And almost every response said I
felt a sense of peace and calm like I had
never experienced before, where I felt safe, my nervous system
(13:13):
felt at peace and at ease, and it was something
that I didn't know existed. And I was like shocked,
like so many people had the same answer, and I
was really thinking about I'm like, I don't know if
I've ever actually experienced that, and that's something that I'm
looking forward to now, because we tend to get attached
(13:33):
to people that make us anxious, especially if we're anxious
attached people like I'm an I have anxious attachment style.
I don't know about you, but I'm an anxious attached person.
So it's kind of easier to spot when something's not
working for me early on now and I know that
I need to detach myself and remove from the situation quickly.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
Hmm, that's actually such a good point, Like I'm gonna say,
I feel I feel that way now where everyone used
to always say to me love is meant to be easy,
and it's meant to be calm, and it's meant to
be peaceful. And I was like, that sounds really boring.
I really honestly thought that. I was like, that sounds boring.
(14:14):
I'm used to like the spark. I'm used to like
this intense passion that is so self destructive and will
burn out your relationship. And I think sometimes we meet
those people right who could be the one who could
really fulfill us, but we sabotage the relationship because we
have gotten so used to this pattern of people who
(14:37):
have made us feel a certain way that we don't
really trust our first impression. We see someone as boring,
we might see someone as not really our type because
we are expecting this like firework of feelings, when really
what you should be looking for is the person who,
of course you have so much fun with and who
sees you and who you're excited by, but who also
(14:59):
at the end the day, does not leave you questioning
whether they actually want to be with you, and if
you were to, like, it's the you should not be
sitting there being like does this person actually like me?
The moment that you are asking yourself that question, a
the answer is no. Be The second part of that
is you need to run, like you need to cut
(15:20):
that person out because I think that, like, I don't
know if you've had that experience, but I'm like, that
is not a good sign for the start of a relationship.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
Oh yeah, Well, the experience I just recently went through
with someone, it was dragged out for five.
Speaker 3 (15:34):
Full months and five months five months of my time.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
I mean, listen, a lot of the time I wasn't
physically together with him, like we live in different countries.
I barely saw him throughout those five months. But it
was a lot of texting, communication, whatever. And it's still energy.
You know, it's still your time, and it's still your
feelings at play, and it's still your emotions. So you know,
(16:00):
I always say like, your time and your energy towards
someone is your currency, and it's really true, because I
started getting a little too invested and I would try
to make shit work all the time with him where
it was like I was like, okay, you know, I'm here,
you're there, what's going on?
Speaker 3 (16:19):
Like, do you want to talk? Whatever?
Speaker 2 (16:20):
And he would just always find a way to make
it difficult, right, and then once I pulled back, he
would try to get me reattached.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
You know.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
It was one of those games where it was like
I would kind of detach myself and remove and say,
you know what, f this, I'm out and he would
be like, oh, no, talk to me. I want to
talk through it, what's going on, and manipulate me back
into the situation. I think that's why a lot of
people hold on, and that's why I'm bringing it up
right now because maybe it could help someone like. You know,
(16:53):
people will find a way to keep you holding on
even if they don't want you, and it has to
be up to you to cut the court and walk away.
And eventually I did, and I cut the cord and
I said, you know, this is my life, this is
my feelings, this is like, you know, my energy and
my time, and if you're not valuing that and you're
(17:13):
playing this game with me where you just want me around,
but you're not actually going to see any sort of
future with me, what the hell am I doing?
Speaker 3 (17:21):
You know?
Speaker 2 (17:21):
So I think a lot of people could probably relate
to that situation because people will want you to be
attached to them. People will want you to hold onto them,
and they'll feed you this idea that maybe it could work,
and it's so relatable, and you know, even someone who
has a dating podcast like I literally talk about this
and give advice about this. It is easier said than
(17:43):
done when you're in a situation where there's a connection,
so you know, but you learn from it and I'm like,
I feel like it's made me even better and stronger,
and I'm like happy, and it's all good. But it's
a it's very common.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
It's this thing right where it's not that that person
didn't know what he had. He was very aware of
what he had. That is why he was constantly trying
to bring you back in. Maybe he was obsessed with
the chase that made him feel like it was worth it.
He knew what he had, he just didn't know how
to He didn't know what to do with it, and
(18:18):
he didn't want to He didn't want to treat you
in the way that you deserved, right. I think that
sometimes when we encounter these people who aren't willing to commit,
or who act in the way that this man was acting.
Trash man, that's such terrible behavior. But when we meet
people who act in that way, we think that for
(18:40):
them to fully want us would be the biggest, biggest
sign to us that we are worth something. And so
it's not just about attachment. It's also about our sense
of self esteem, and it's about our sense of self
value and our sense of value as a person, where
we think, okay, well, if this person doesn't want me,
if this person isn't willing to treat me the way
(19:02):
that I deserve, what does that say about me? And
so you become obsessed with almost winning them over or
proving to them that they should change or they should
treat you differently, because that kind of journey, that kind
of convincing is a proxy for you trying to convince
yourself that you have value. If this person believes it,
(19:24):
you can finally believe it. And there are people out
there who unfortunately understand that and understand that they can
have that impact on people and who use it. And
I think I know that you and I are both
very like romantic and sensitive people. I think that's like
a brilliant, brilliant thing. But do you think that also
(19:46):
is one of the reasons why people get attached a
little bit too quickly.
Speaker 2 (19:50):
I think if you're a very loving person and you're
very vulnerable, and you're sensitive as a person, and you know,
a lot of women.
Speaker 3 (19:59):
Are, I.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
Mean a lot of people are. I'm not going to
just pin it on women. A lot of people in
general are. But I think for me, I'm just speaking
from my experience. I think I have a hard, you know, shell, maybe,
but I'm really soft and I try to give people
as many chances as I can because I just, you know,
and you're the same way. Probably you just want to
(20:23):
see the good in people because we're good people. And
a lot of people are like that, where they're good
people and they want to believe that the other person
on the other end of their situationship or relationship is
the same way.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
That they are. But that's really not often the case.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
You know, when you're in a situation where you're latching
onto someone and they know what they have and they're
not able to value it, but they still want to
keep you around. I think it's easy for sensitive people
who love very deeply to get taken advantage of I do, unfortunately.
But I also think, as you mentioned earlier about you know,
(20:58):
knowing your worth and having a really good self concept
of yourself, that's the key to attracting better people into
your life. And I think a lot of why we
attach ourselves to people is also related to low self esteem.
And I'm not gonna lie. I tend to get insecure,
especially when it comes to love. I tend to nitpick
(21:21):
myself internally, and that's something I'm working on now, and
it's something I've been working on for a while where
I want to wake up every day feeling so insanely
confident that I know one hundred percent what I have
to offer all the time. But there's a lot of
people in my past who have chiseled away at that
version of me that I want to be. So if
(21:41):
I'm like, you know, I'm amazing, I'm beautiful, I'm the best.
Speaker 3 (21:46):
I've had a lot of guys try to like break that.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
Down, and because I'm sensitive and I let them in,
it's affected me, you know, where they say, oh, you know,
go put on makeup, or like I've had guys tell
me that or like sorry, I'm not like laughing because
it's fun. I'm laughing because it's absolutely insane, or like
shock yeah, or like you know, I've had guys coming
(22:09):
on my weight before, like I don't know why, they
just have and I'm like, okay, this is making me uncomfortable.
Or I've had guys tell me I'm not worth a
certain you know, amount of money, or like if they
take me out, they expect me to pay for everything,
things like that, where it's made me feel like garbage
(22:29):
because I'm like, okay, am I not worth like a
five dollar coffee? So you know, it's just about learning
how to build yourself up again and have that like unbreakable,
unshakable self confidence, and then you'll probably attract better people
into your life.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
I also think that those experiences, right, it's so hard
when it's so unfair. It's not just hard, it's unfair
when you have to undo the damage that someone else
has done, when someone has like come into your heart,
come into your so come into your life, and then
like I'm going to make a mess of this just
(23:04):
for fun, Like I'm going to chisel down this person's confidence.
I think because they understand that, then you're more reliant
on them for your confidence, so they have more control
of you. Maybe they don't realize it, maybe you don't
realize it, but I think that I've seen that in
my own life so many times, and it's just it
is unfair to be like, Okay, well, now this experience
is a part of me, and it's not something that
(23:26):
I'm I'm ever going to forget. It's not something that
I'm not going to think of of time to time.
But I do think that your point of like, you
need to become almost like this, You need to become
this like impenetrable kind of fortress of like self love
and self worth and confidence where you're like, your opinion
(23:48):
of me, how you choose to treat me, has absolutely
nothing to do with who I am, because when you
think about it, there are millions of people out there
who sometimes we don't we don't give them a chance,
or we just haven't met them yet, who would treat
you amazingly. It's this like it's this metaphor of like,
(24:10):
your worth stays the same, it's just how much someone
else values it and what kind of price you're willing
to take. Like I saw this analogy that was like
a bottle of water. You know, at the grocery store
is like is a dollar a bottle of water at
Like the airport is like six dollars, Like a bottle
of water, Like a concert is like twelve dollars. Like
(24:33):
the water remains the same, Like it's the same product.
But it's where you're valued. It's where there is demand
for the kind of person that you are. And I
think some part of us, when we have gone through
a lot of dating experiences where we have been rejected,
shut down, we have fallen into this pattern of looking
for the same kind of people, we really forget that
(24:54):
and we forget that there are actually so many people
out there who would value us with who we are.
So what are some of the signs of someone who
is worth emotionally attaching to, who is worth that effort
and who you think is like I know with this
whole episode is like how to not get attached too quickly?
(25:17):
Sometimes though there are people who you have a gut
instinct to write for you like, what are some of
the distinctions do you think between the people you should
absolutely avoid in the people who you should kind of
be willing to be more vulnerable with.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
Ooh, I think someone who understands your emotions early on,
you don't have to explain yourself. It's just easy, you know,
it just flows the communication that is there. They understand
who you are and what you're about early on in
the relationship where they can, you know, kind of understand
(25:49):
your needs and respect them and respect your boundaries. I
think respect and having a mutual respect early on for
one another is such a green flag. And you know, consistency,
I think a really big thing for me personally. What
I've seen and the people that I've ended up in
serious relationships with is they were always consistent. They knew
(26:10):
exactly what they wanted, and they were like, it's you,
you know, it's you. You're the one, and I want
to date you. And everyone deserves that. Everyone deserves that
feeling of being wanted. And there's nothing wrong with wanting
that feeling of being wanted. But you know, I think
we often try to convince ourselves out of things that
(26:31):
we try to convince ourselves of things that are maybe
not necessarily good for us.
Speaker 3 (26:37):
We try to.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
Justify why things can change all the time, and we
try to make up stories in our head and fantasize like, oh,
you know, maybe once he's done with work. You know,
he said, works busy for the next two months, maybe
things will get better after that. Or you know, I've
heard that excuse many times. Oh, I'm busy with work,
and you know, I'm not really looking for a relationship
(26:58):
at this time, but I will be. It's a very
common excuse or like you know, just things like that
where no one's making excuses about wanting to be with
you or see you. Someone who can make a plan
and want to see you and want to be around you,
because if you like someone, you're going to want to
spend time with them. That's just a natural human instinct.
(27:20):
Those are all green flags me where I'm like, yes, okay,
you want to see me, you want to talk to me,
Everything feels emotionally safe, huge, huge for me at least,
indicators that it's moving in the right direction.
Speaker 1 (27:33):
What about you, Well, I actually was listening to that
being like, yeah, I completely agree one hundred percent. On
the one other one I would say, which I think
actually links to what you were talking about, is they
don't just want you on their terms, because I think
that that example that you gave of, oh, works really busy.
I don't want to date you, but also yeah, please
(27:53):
come over five nights a week and like, come and
hang out with me. It's like that is them giving.
That is then basically being like I want you on
my terms. I want you when it's convenient for me.
I don't care about you, I don't care about what
you need from me. Yeah, it's like it's so common,
I think, especially like in guys who are like twenty,
(28:16):
like early thirties, where I get it right, like it's
not it might not be a huge priority for them,
but there are people out there who it would be
a priority. Who's seeing you would be a priority, who
spending time with you would be a priority, And it
wouldn't just be based on like what their schedule looks like,
and it wouldn't just be based on like how their
life is going right now. They would make space for
(28:39):
you to be there. And then I also think the
other thing is being really clear about the future.
Speaker 3 (28:48):
There is no like, oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:50):
Ambiguity around the fact that you are in their future
with them, So then being like oh, you know, and
even as small as being like, oh, next week, we
should go to this museum or I really want to
go to this restaurant we should go, or being like
I think I'm gonna go. Yeah, Like hey, like you know, Christmas,
I'm gonna go see my parents, Like what are you
doing for Christmas? Like there is a sense of like
(29:12):
continuity there, it's not any And I think that's really important,
especially if you are someone who is anxious, because you're
not constantly trying to anticipate when the relationship is going
to end.
Speaker 3 (29:25):
This person, Oh my god, I love that.
Speaker 1 (29:28):
Yeah, but they have like it's true right, Like they
have enough respect for you to make you feel comfortable
that the relationship is going somewhere.
Speaker 3 (29:36):
Yeah, one hundred percent.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
Like I remember when I got into my last relationship.
I was shocked by how forward and how much effort
he was making. And I was like, wait, this is normal,
Like this is what normal is. I don't have to
decipher what he's trying to say and question if he
(29:58):
likes me. He was literally from the He was like
I want to hang out with you, I want to
take you to dinner, I want to see you. And
he was constantly following up about plans and making an
effort so like so many times, and I was the
one blowing him off. You know, like I was the
one saying I'm busy, I have plans because I was scared.
I was like, what is this like? Is this man
(30:19):
mentally stable? Like I thought he was the problem at
first because I had never experienced what it's like to
actually be wanted in a healthy way, which is crazy
to think about. I mean I did have other boyfriends
before that were pretty straightforward, but there was a little
more effort involved. But with him, it was just it
was so forward and it was so easy. And I
learned so much from that relationship because he always knew
(30:42):
what he wanted and it was it was like too easy.
It was it just felt so good. And I remember
he would always include me and his plans. He would
always make me a part of his life. He would say,
do you want to meet my friends? Do you want
to come to my party that I'm having with the
people that I know?
Speaker 3 (31:00):
You know?
Speaker 2 (31:01):
He always made me a part of his circle from
the beginning, and that's how I knew it was different.
I knew it was different right away because I was like,
he wants me to meet his friends on day two, Like,
what's happening right now? I think a lot of people
I want to say men. Some people get like annoyed,
like saying like men and women whatever. But I really
do believe, like if we're talking from a male perspective,
(31:22):
they kind of know instantly if they want to be
with you, and maybe that's not the best you know.
I obviously I know it doesn't apply to every relationship,
because every relationship has a different course.
Speaker 3 (31:33):
But I truly believe.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
For the most part, a man kind of knows what
he wants within the first couple of dates.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
I also think that men in particular do not face
the same societal pressure that women do to settle. So
I think that that's something that we can take, right,
It's something that we can take from them. That's why
they know instantly. That's why they know whether they like
someone or not, is because they are not also to navigate. Well,
(32:02):
I'm like, they're also not trying to navigate, like the
sense of like, oh, you know, better find someone by thirty,
like my biological clock is ticking, or I don't want
to be a spinster, or I don't want to end
up alone, or all my friends are in relationships. Like
women have been so indoctrinated by society and have learnt
so much about how they deserve to be treated from
(32:25):
like almost a deficit mindset where the thing that you
need most is a relationship, whereas for men, the thing
that they need most is like career success or like
financial stability. And as much as we think that like
that has changed, there is still that is still very
implicit in how we are raised. It's very implicit in
(32:46):
the world we see around us. So I think that's
why men are so much so much better able to
make those kind of judgment calls. Also, I love that
he like introduced you to his friends. I always say,
they should be treating you the way that you want
to be treating them, right, So if you're someone who
is like I really want you to meet my friends
and they're not doing that, there is an imbalance there.
(33:07):
Like that's also a very easy way to say it.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
Yeah, I mean I hadn't really thought too deeply into it.
And like I remember when I first, you know, started
hanging out with him, he was just so inclusive, like
he just made me feel wanted and appreciated, and.
Speaker 3 (33:25):
He wanted to show me off. That was it.
Speaker 2 (33:27):
It was like he wanted to put me on a
pedestal and say, look, at her, this is the person
I'm with, And I had never had that before. I
had never really had someone that was so proud to
be next to me. And I think that's what it
taught me, is like there are people out there that
will be so proud to show you off and be
next to you and be like, this is the person
(33:48):
I'm with, Like I'm so proud to be dating them.
And I always felt that sense of like I was
proud to be dating him also, you know, it was
like a mutual exchange of like.
Speaker 3 (33:58):
We were both proud to be each other's partners.
Speaker 2 (34:01):
And I think that's such a good feeling because you're like,
I love the qualities that you have, and I'm not
embarrassed to be out in public with you because there's
been people that have treated me badly, and I'm like,
if I run into someone I know and they know
what's going on with this situationship, it's like that it
makes me look bad because I'm like tolerating someone that
you know, won't commit to me or whatever. And my
friends know if they see me out, they're gonna shit
(34:22):
on me for being with this person, you know. But
with him, I remember I was like I want the
people in my life to know how amazing he is.
And I think he, you know, he felt the same
way about me. So it ended up being a really
good relationship, but it also set the standard. So now
it's like, that's what I want times one hundred, Like,
if I'm gonna get married to someone, my husband better
(34:43):
be shouting my name from the rooftops in New York City.
Speaker 1 (34:47):
Yeah, you know minimum you know that's saying in friends
when Monica gets engaged and she's like, I'm engaged. I
want my husband to be doing that, pleased and thank you,
like you have a prize. So I feel like, if
that's like the gold standard, our tendency to get attached
too quickly we've already identified is not helping us in
(35:08):
this because it's not a allowing you to see yeah,
you're not seeing things clearly. Sometimes it ends up sabotaging
the relationship where you like put undue pressure not on
the other person, but on you as a couple, you
as a pair, way too early before like it's ready
to hold that kind of responsibility. So what are some
(35:29):
of the ways that we can kind of slow down
the attachment process, take things slowly, take our time and
really listen to our gut instinct.
Speaker 2 (35:39):
Well, I think it comes down to what we were
talking about earlier is really grounding yourself and being in
your own frame and knowing that you know you should
not be settling just because you're alone. And that's a
big thing that a lot of people, as you just
said that really blew my mind earlier, the point you
made about how men have this society, they don't have
(36:00):
the societal pressure that women do to settle because there
you know, it's like the clock is ticking for women.
That's like a whole thing that I guess we see
advertised everywhere nowadays, and I think there's so much truth
to that, and I think just putting everything into perspective
and understanding that it's so much worse to rush and
(36:23):
dive deep dive into someone that's not good for you
and latch onto someone that's not good for you and
then get attached to something that's not going anywhere. It's
so much worse in the long term, and really thinking
about it from like pulling yourself out of it and
looking like from a bird's eye view in a way
and just saying, okay, like, how is this going to
(36:43):
help me in the long term. If you don't think
it is, and you think it's not going to go anywhere,
it's better to wait, and it's better to focus on
yourself and direct all that energy inwards. And I think
like the ways I've done that is you know, I
mean this might sound cliche, but actually though, I meditate
every single day, and I tell myself self love affirmations
almost every single day. And I'm very big on self
(37:06):
concept because your self concept plays into everything, and it
especially plays into your relationships and people. People mirror to
you where you're at in your life right and people
mirror to you how you feel about yourself. And I
think unpacking those feelings of insecurity that you have when
(37:26):
you're latched onto someone that isn't good for you and
kind of healing that is the step you need to
take in order to not get attached and actually meet
the right person. And that's something I'm working through right
now because I still have my own healing to do too,
Like I'm looking for someone that's going to be the
long term, like the endgame, and I still have stuff
(37:47):
that I'm healing, which is like settling just because you
know someone treats you nice temporarily and takes you to dinner. Like,
that's not a reason why you should latch onto them.
That is the bare minimum. It doesn't mean that that's
your soulmate, right Like, but you could have these blinders
on when you're alone for a while, which I empathize,
(38:10):
you know, I empathize when people are like alone for
a long time. You kind of have these like delusional
goggles on sometimes and you gotta you gotta rip the
goggles off.
Speaker 1 (38:22):
It's because you're coming at it. I think from like
a like a scarcity mindset where you're like, wow, I
better grab. Like it's kind of like when everyone when
you feel like everyone else has something that you want,
you're just going to grab like the first thing that
you see, because it's going to fulfill at least the
sense that you have it. I also think that, yeah,
when you talk about like meditating and positive affirmations, positive
(38:45):
affirmations work, there is so much psychology behind it. The
way you speak to yourself impacts your behavior and impacts
the kind of the I hate the word vibe because
it sounds so like unscientific, but kind of like the
energy that you give off.
Speaker 2 (39:01):
Ever since I started really making a habit of changing
my inner dialogue and saying, you know, I am the
best person this, Like I'm the best person that anyone's
ever gonna meet. I know it might sound a little
not narcissistic, but it sounds like full of yourself.
Speaker 3 (39:15):
No, it's just it's good.
Speaker 2 (39:17):
You know, it's good to feel like the best person
in the room. Why wouldn't you want to feel like
the best person in the room. Like, it doesn't mean
that necessarily objectively, Like maybe other people wouldn't agree with that,
but it doesn't matter, you know, it matters how you
feel about yourself. And that's why I always I started
telling myself these things like I'm the most amazing person,
I'm so successful, I'm so beautiful, I'm so confident. These
(39:38):
things are okay to feel about yourself, you know, like
why shouldn't everyone feel good about themselves? So I yeah,
I do really agree with that. The whole psychology behind affirmations.
I've seen massive changes in my life ever since I started.
Speaker 1 (39:52):
Also, it's interesting because I think a lot of people
get concerned that that kind of behavior is like narcissistic.
The thing is, when you are in a world that
is constantly trying to break down your sense of self
concept or your sense of self esteem. You kind of
need an exaggerated practice like that, or you need to
speak to yourself in an exaggerated, highly positive way to
(40:15):
counteract that negativity in order to reach a balance like
I do genuinely believe it, and affirmations are an amazing
way to do that. Set a behavioral intention as well,
be like I'm not going to settle for this, I'm
not going to settle for and write a list, and
also write a list of what you truly want, and
(40:36):
when you meet someone, actually honestly evaluate them against those
against you know, those those non negotiables. It's a way
to make sure that when it comes to situations of
the heart, when it comes to situations that are very emotional,
like attachment, you are maintaining like your rational edge, you
(40:58):
are maintaining like a logical, steady head when it comes
to these situations, especially if you know that you as
someone who gets maybe carried away. And I think also
make sure that you sustain your emotional independence. So often
I find I used to find that I would be
entirely reliant on someone else's reactions and behavior and their
(41:22):
receptiveness to me to determine my mood.
Speaker 3 (41:25):
I definitely do that. Oh yeah, that's no.
Speaker 2 (41:29):
That's so common, you know, when if someone doesn't react
the way you expect them to, or if someone doesn't
text you back right away, or something where you just
are kind of accept like you're kind of expecting a
certain response. If you don't get that exact response or
someone's not treating you the right way, it's so easy
to emotionally react to that and be like, oh, my
whole day's ruined, you know. But yeah, it's very relatable.
(41:55):
But it's also like tying back into self concept. Once
you have such a strong sense of self, those things
don't affect you anymore, you know. I feel like that
it's happened less and less to me, Like I get
less negative reactions from people now that I'm more grounded,
which is an amazing thing, because I think a lot
of the time I was always waiting on someone's validation
(42:15):
of the things they said to me or how they
said it or the way they phrased it in order
to make me feel like, oh, I'm doing a good job,
you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (42:21):
And it's like, you don't need that like you don't
this person unless they prove it to you, means nothing.
Like that was a real mindset shift I had where
I was like, you do not deserve to be in
my life until you prove that you want to be
there and then we can talk, like then we can
see what happens. So I think that's really important and
(42:41):
also prevents you from fantasy bonding when you like recognize
that your emotional independence means a lot more than your
connection to that person, your sense of like just emotional
wellness as well. You said something on your show the
other day that was like if this person is making
you feel like ill or stick to your stomach, like
that is not a good sign. Like if they are
(43:03):
at any point making you feel like it's not a
good sign. Like you don't have like ibs, you don't
have like chronic like stomach pains, Like this person is
like it's just bad for you, Like they're creating physical
reactions in your body. So it's also something to remember.
Speaker 2 (43:21):
Oh yeah, for sure, I definitely have had I've had
physical reactions to people before, where like I was physically
repulsed by things that like happened and you know, felt
actually like actually felt ill at times. I kept getting
sinus infections when I was around this one person every
(43:42):
time I would hang out with them. So I got
a sinus infection the next day. Telling you something, and
it was like, and sinuses are I think sinuses are
linked to your emotions, your emotional well being in general,
like from a spiritual perspective, And I was doing some
research on this, and your body can react in crazy
ways when you're around people that are not good for
you and that are sucking your energy dry. And that's
(44:05):
another way to know if you're attached to the wrong person.
Speaker 3 (44:08):
So keep that Also.
Speaker 1 (44:09):
Stress, Like stress increases cortisol. It's going to make you
experience like illness and sickness. It's going to suppress your
immunity more. That is like an important way your body
is telling you that something isn't right. So I think
that that is a good place to end things with
a health warning. And I really do hope that, like
(44:31):
I really do hope that if you are someone who
gets attached too quickly, that this episode has helped you,
that this episode has given you something to think about.
You know, when I'm moving into the new year, and
we're going to move into the new year, unattached and
absolutely madly in love with ourselves and not with someone
who doesn't deserve it. So I want to thankless so
(44:53):
much again for coming on. If you do not listen
to her podcast, I personally listen to it. I think
it's amazing and it gives me a lot to think about.
I'm sure it will give you a lot to think
about as well. So thanks for coming on again.
Speaker 3 (45:07):
Thank you, thank you. I tell everyone about your podcast also.
Speaker 2 (45:10):
It's amazing and I'm just grateful that I'm on again.
Speaker 1 (45:15):
Yeah, women supporting women, guys, That's what it's all about.
As always, If you enjoyed this episode, please feel free
to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify
wherever you are listening right now, and if you have
an episode suggestion. If you just want to get in
touch see some behind the scenes content, you can follow
us on Instagram at that Psychology Podcast. We will be
(45:36):
back next week with another guest episode, so we will
see you then.
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:26):
Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, it is so great to
have you here, back for another episode as we break
down the Psychology of Your Twenties. It is December, which
means it is the guest season of the podcast, and
today we're bringing on someone who has actually been here before,
(00:48):
who I'm actually a massive fan of. I would say
we're friends, she can say, she can confirm all tonight,
but I feel like, if you don't know who list
is and her podcast, date yourself instead, what are you doing?
She is incredible, She is amazing, and she is here
(01:08):
today to talk about how we can stop getting attached
so quickly. Liz, thank you so much for coming on again.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Yeah, thank you for having me again. I'm so excited,
and I know it's the most cozy time of year
and everyone's getting prepared for the holidays. I'm very excited
to be here. I'm also very jealous that it's actually
summer where you are and freezing cold where I am.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Yeah, I know, but by the time I'm by the
time this is released, I will be where you are
as well, so we can suffer together in the New
York winter.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Yes, but New York is absolutely amazing during the holiday season,
so I'm really excited for you to come.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
I am as well. I feel like I'm hoping for
a white Christmas fingers crossed. We will see what it brings.
But I feel like, if you're listening to this and
you have not listened to the first episode we did together,
which was like back at the start of the year,
pause and go and listen to that first.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
Because it is very, very good.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
But do you want to tell people kind of what
you do the basis for your show, because I feel
like for those of the listeners who are if you
are single right now, if you are someone who is
trying to date in your twenties or your thirties or beyond,
who is struggling with self worth, with actually investing in
(02:25):
yourself and investing in the right people, what do you
talk about on your show?
Speaker 2 (02:29):
List I talk about all things self love, healing. If
you're going through a breakup, if you're going through a
hard time. The reason I created the date Yourself Instead
movement was to really just put the focus back on yourself,
especially if you are coming out of a breakup, you
can often lose yourself or forget who you were before
you met that person. And it was inspired by my
(02:49):
own breakup, and a lot of the messaging is just
centered around knowing yourself, knowing your worth, stepping into your power.
And that's why I'm really excited to talk about this
particular topic today, all about attachment, because it ties in
perfectly to pretty much everything I talk about.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
Also, I feel like a lot of our episodes overlap.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
Yeah, especially the dating episodes, because I think that when
we talk about attachment in our twenties, it is really
at the root of a lot of the I would say,
like love conundrums that we come across, right, the fact
that there are some of us out there, like the
hopeless romantics, the sentimental, the sensitive, who, no matter how
(03:28):
hard we try, get attached way too quickly to another person,
project this whole like fantasy onto this individual that we
might not even know yet. You know, when I was single,
I remember like going on like one or two dates
with someone and being like yeah, so like wedding will
probably be in June, you know, for summer, and like
(03:52):
hopefully he's okay if we call our kids this. And
I don't think that it helps you, Like, I don't
think it helps you. I don't think it helps the relationship.
It makes you so much more invested and more likely
to be hurt early on, and it doesn't really let
the relationship develop. But I think that we can know
all of these things about us, right, Like we can
understand that this is our patent, this is our habit
(04:14):
and relationships, this is part of who we are to
get attached and not really know what to do about it.
So why do you think that we get attached too quickly?
Like what are some of the major reasons that you've identified?
Speaker 2 (04:27):
You know, I'm the type of person who used to
get so overly attached and I knew I was getting
attached to the wrong person all the time, but it
was really out of fear. And I talk about this
a lot, like when you are alone and you really
miss having someone in your life and you miss having
a partner, and then you meet someone new that has
some slight potential. You kind of grasp onto it because
(04:50):
you're like, oh my god, you know, we like the
same foods and we had a lot in common on
the first date, and maybe this could go somewhere, and
we fantasize and project this fantasy onto that person with
out really knowing anything about them. If we're coming from
a place of fear that we're going to be alone forever,
I think it's out of you're operating out of fear essentially,
when you laugh yourself onto someone that you don't even
(05:11):
know that well, or maybe you know you've only been
on a couple of dates, and you're like, this is
the one, when in reality, I mean, sometimes they can
be the one, sometimes it can work out, but oftentimes
I just remember getting myself into a lot of situations,
and even a situation I came out of recently where
I saw bits and pieces of potential, and just because
(05:31):
I'm alone and I wasn't really seeing anyone else, I
latched onto this idea of them that wasn't even real.
And I think a lot of people can relate to that.
Speaker 1 (05:41):
It's like the fantasy bonding, right, You're not falling in
love with who this person is in reality, you're falling
in love with a version of them that you've created
in your head that you are that is like the
perfect person for you, right, especially like when you said,
you're operating from a place of fear where a lot
of us have this intrinsic I think intrinsic anxiety and
(06:05):
worry that we will be alone forever. And maybe part
of preventing yourself from getting attached so quickly is understanding
that that might not actually be the worst thing in
the world. You know, it's not a death. Like not
finding someone before thirty or before forty or before fifty
does not mean that your life will not have meaning,
(06:26):
doesn't mean that you can't still be a very content
and happy person. Do you think that that's also part
of the fear, like the fear that to not have
a partner means that your life is kind of wasted
or that you're missing out on something.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
Well.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
I think the feeling of love, if you've gotten a
taste of it before, it's something that we're constantly chasing
because that high, like when you're first getting to know
someone and it actually starts working. If you've been in
love before, I think it's easy to want that again
and again and kind of you know, search for it
(07:00):
and look for it again and again, and you know,
I think that's a part of the process of everything.
Like I think there's no shame in trying to like
seek out those good feelings and seek out those emotions
that could make you want to feel like you're in
love again. But at the same time, yeah, I think
it often comes, like love comes and anything comes in life,
(07:23):
when you're most grounded in your own frame and you're
focused on yourself and you become more magnetic when you're
just centered and you're not actively trying to seek all
of these things. And that's why when we were talking
about before, like when you met your boyfriend, it's like
when you aren't really looking for it and you kind
of least expect it, but at the same time, you're
(07:45):
open to opportunity. Like it's not completely closing yourself off
from anything. It's just kind of going with the flow
and trusting the process. And that's why I always say, like,
trust the process and I have that tattoo because it's
kind of like a way to not keep that resistance
and you know, if you're wanting something too badly, it's
(08:06):
almost blocking you from actually finding the right person. And
when you attach yourself to people that aren't good for
you, you're often kind of blocking what could actually be good
for you.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
I one hundred percent agree with that one hundred percent
because I think that when you are when you are
overlooking parts of someone that you know are not good
for you just because you want connection, just because you
want intimacy, what you're really doing is kind of abandoning
yourself for the for someone else's gain. Right, you're abandoning
yourself and putting up with someone else's behavior that you
(08:39):
probably wouldn't tolerate from the love of your life. I
saw this thing the other day that was like, the
love of your life would not treat you the way
that you're being treated, So stop confusing I think attachment
with love or with actual connection. And also, when when
you're able to identify exactly what you want, exactly who
(09:00):
you are, there is this confidence to you that means
that you will suddenly attract so many people who are
much better options, and people will actually be able to
know you as who you are. And I think knowing
yourself for who you are means that that unconditional love
(09:20):
that we expect from others is going to be true, right,
It's not going to be based on a fantasy they
have a view either or a fantasy that you have
of them, because you're really like centered and grounded in
your own reality and in what in your own expectations
and in your own sensive self.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
And I think it's easier said than done, too, because
there's a lot of times where you know, I create
these boundaries for myself, and I create really high standards
for myself in my head. And sometimes if you just
tell yourself, yeah, like I'm not going to tolerate this,
I'm not going to tolerate that, it's not really that
effective because words are words.
Speaker 3 (09:57):
You really have to feel it and believe it.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
You know, you really have to be in a place
in your life where you're actually grounded and you actually
have worked on yourself a lot and healed so many
parts of yourself that you know that you will not
settle for.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
Anything less than what you deserve.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
And I was humbled recently from a situation where you know,
and I'm going to talk about this on my own
podcast at some point, but like.
Speaker 3 (10:18):
I'll say it on here.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
Also, I was in a situation recently where I got
attached to this idea of the potential of what something
could be with a person that kept convincing me that
he was going to change, and anytime I would bring
something up, you know, I would see bits and pieces
of potential where he was treating me right at certain points,
and he was doing and saying the right things at
(10:40):
certain points, but there were so many other problems and
I would overlook it because I got attached to the fantasy.
And it's such a common thing because when you want
to see the good in people and when you want
love and you are a loving person, it's easy to
latch on and there's no shame in it, but it
just it's there to teach you a valuable lesson about,
you know, really putting all that energy into yourself versus
(11:05):
externally throwing it at someone else that doesn't deserve it.
And I think I learned that through a lot of
my situationships and relationships in general.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
So yeah, but you get to like a good point
where it's like these relationships are not a waste, right,
Like they are teaching you something. I used to be
like every person who breaks my heart, every person where
it doesn't work, is just one step closer to someone
who will. And if you poured all of that love
and all of that energy and that intimacy and that
(11:35):
time into the wrong person, imagine how amazing it's gonna
be when when it's with the right person. Like, imagine
how like it's just gonna be. It's and I know
this to be true, Like it's insane, and it's the
best feeling when the love that you've always shown people
that's never been reciprocated is finally reciprocated and you realize
(11:56):
what true attachment and true connection and true can patibility
actually feels like, rather than getting caught up in the
intensity in the fantasy, in like the anxiety of pursuing
someone who doesn't want you back. Because I also think
that sometimes we confuse a lot of that anxiety with
excitement and with chemistry. I don't know if you do this,
(12:20):
but I think that it's just they feel very similar
in our bodies, and so we confuse the sensations and
that creates this very instantaneous attachment.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
Yeah, I mean, I think my rule now with my
emotions is if I'm at all uncomfortable, anxious and worried,
within the first few dates. It's a hard no, like
your gut will tell you almost instantly if it's not
gonna work, and well, at least for me, I truly
believe that. And I did this survey on my Instagram
(12:52):
a while ago that was asking people who were in
serious relationships or married how they knew their person was
the one and they weren't just getting, you know, attached
to some random person. And almost every response said I
felt a sense of peace and calm like I had
never experienced before, where I felt safe, my nervous system
(13:13):
felt at peace and at ease, and it was something
that I didn't know existed. And I was like shocked,
like so many people had the same answer, and I
was really thinking about I'm like, I don't know if
I've ever actually experienced that, and that's something that I'm
looking forward to now, because we tend to get attached
(13:33):
to people that make us anxious, especially if we're anxious
attached people like I'm an I have anxious attachment style.
I don't know about you, but I'm an anxious attached person.
So it's kind of easier to spot when something's not
working for me early on now and I know that
I need to detach myself and remove from the situation quickly.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
Hmm, that's actually such a good point, Like I'm gonna say,
I feel I feel that way now where everyone used
to always say to me love is meant to be easy,
and it's meant to be calm, and it's meant to
be peaceful. And I was like, that sounds really boring.
I really honestly thought that. I was like, that sounds boring.
(14:14):
I'm used to like the spark. I'm used to like
this intense passion that is so self destructive and will
burn out your relationship. And I think sometimes we meet
those people right who could be the one who could
really fulfill us, but we sabotage the relationship because we
have gotten so used to this pattern of people who
(14:37):
have made us feel a certain way that we don't
really trust our first impression. We see someone as boring,
we might see someone as not really our type because
we are expecting this like firework of feelings, when really
what you should be looking for is the person who,
of course you have so much fun with and who
sees you and who you're excited by, but who also
(14:59):
at the end the day, does not leave you questioning
whether they actually want to be with you, and if
you were to, like, it's the you should not be
sitting there being like does this person actually like me?
The moment that you are asking yourself that question, a
the answer is no. Be The second part of that
is you need to run, like you need to cut
(15:20):
that person out because I think that, like, I don't
know if you've had that experience, but I'm like, that
is not a good sign for the start of a relationship.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
Oh yeah, Well, the experience I just recently went through
with someone, it was dragged out for five.
Speaker 3 (15:34):
Full months and five months five months of my time.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
I mean, listen, a lot of the time I wasn't
physically together with him, like we live in different countries.
I barely saw him throughout those five months. But it
was a lot of texting, communication, whatever. And it's still energy.
You know, it's still your time, and it's still your
feelings at play, and it's still your emotions. So you know,
(16:00):
I always say like, your time and your energy towards
someone is your currency, and it's really true, because I
started getting a little too invested and I would try
to make shit work all the time with him where
it was like I was like, okay, you know, I'm here,
you're there, what's going on?
Speaker 3 (16:19):
Like, do you want to talk? Whatever?
Speaker 2 (16:20):
And he would just always find a way to make
it difficult, right, and then once I pulled back, he
would try to get me reattached.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
You know.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
It was one of those games where it was like
I would kind of detach myself and remove and say,
you know what, f this, I'm out and he would
be like, oh, no, talk to me. I want to
talk through it, what's going on, and manipulate me back
into the situation. I think that's why a lot of
people hold on, and that's why I'm bringing it up
right now because maybe it could help someone like. You know,
(16:53):
people will find a way to keep you holding on
even if they don't want you, and it has to
be up to you to cut the court and walk away.
And eventually I did, and I cut the cord and
I said, you know, this is my life, this is
my feelings, this is like, you know, my energy and
my time, and if you're not valuing that and you're
(17:13):
playing this game with me where you just want me around,
but you're not actually going to see any sort of
future with me, what the hell am I doing?
Speaker 3 (17:21):
You know?
Speaker 2 (17:21):
So I think a lot of people could probably relate
to that situation because people will want you to be
attached to them. People will want you to hold onto them,
and they'll feed you this idea that maybe it could work,
and it's so relatable, and you know, even someone who
has a dating podcast like I literally talk about this
and give advice about this. It is easier said than
(17:43):
done when you're in a situation where there's a connection,
so you know, but you learn from it and I'm like,
I feel like it's made me even better and stronger,
and I'm like happy, and it's all good. But it's
a it's very common.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
It's this thing right where it's not that that person
didn't know what he had. He was very aware of
what he had. That is why he was constantly trying
to bring you back in. Maybe he was obsessed with
the chase that made him feel like it was worth it.
He knew what he had, he just didn't know how
to He didn't know what to do with it, and
(18:18):
he didn't want to He didn't want to treat you
in the way that you deserved, right. I think that
sometimes when we encounter these people who aren't willing to commit,
or who act in the way that this man was acting.
Trash man, that's such terrible behavior. But when we meet
people who act in that way, we think that for
(18:40):
them to fully want us would be the biggest, biggest
sign to us that we are worth something. And so
it's not just about attachment. It's also about our sense
of self esteem, and it's about our sense of self
value and our sense of value as a person, where
we think, okay, well, if this person doesn't want me,
if this person isn't willing to treat me the way
(19:02):
that I deserve, what does that say about me? And
so you become obsessed with almost winning them over or
proving to them that they should change or they should
treat you differently, because that kind of journey, that kind
of convincing is a proxy for you trying to convince
yourself that you have value. If this person believes it,
(19:24):
you can finally believe it. And there are people out
there who unfortunately understand that and understand that they can
have that impact on people and who use it. And
I think I know that you and I are both
very like romantic and sensitive people. I think that's like
a brilliant, brilliant thing. But do you think that also
(19:46):
is one of the reasons why people get attached a
little bit too quickly.
Speaker 2 (19:50):
I think if you're a very loving person and you're
very vulnerable, and you're sensitive as a person, and you know,
a lot of women.
Speaker 3 (19:59):
Are, I.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
Mean a lot of people are. I'm not going to
just pin it on women. A lot of people in
general are. But I think for me, I'm just speaking
from my experience. I think I have a hard, you know, shell, maybe,
but I'm really soft and I try to give people
as many chances as I can because I just, you know,
and you're the same way. Probably you just want to
(20:23):
see the good in people because we're good people. And
a lot of people are like that, where they're good
people and they want to believe that the other person
on the other end of their situationship or relationship is
the same way.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
That they are. But that's really not often the case.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
You know, when you're in a situation where you're latching
onto someone and they know what they have and they're
not able to value it, but they still want to
keep you around. I think it's easy for sensitive people
who love very deeply to get taken advantage of I do, unfortunately.
But I also think, as you mentioned earlier about you know,
(20:58):
knowing your worth and having a really good self concept
of yourself, that's the key to attracting better people into
your life. And I think a lot of why we
attach ourselves to people is also related to low self esteem.
And I'm not gonna lie. I tend to get insecure,
especially when it comes to love. I tend to nitpick
(21:21):
myself internally, and that's something I'm working on now, and
it's something I've been working on for a while where
I want to wake up every day feeling so insanely
confident that I know one hundred percent what I have
to offer all the time. But there's a lot of
people in my past who have chiseled away at that
version of me that I want to be. So if
(21:41):
I'm like, you know, I'm amazing, I'm beautiful, I'm the best.
Speaker 3 (21:46):
I've had a lot of guys try to like break that.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
Down, and because I'm sensitive and I let them in,
it's affected me, you know, where they say, oh, you know,
go put on makeup, or like I've had guys tell
me that or like sorry, I'm not like laughing because
it's fun. I'm laughing because it's absolutely insane, or like
shock yeah, or like you know, I've had guys coming
(22:09):
on my weight before, like I don't know why, they
just have and I'm like, okay, this is making me uncomfortable.
Or I've had guys tell me I'm not worth a
certain you know, amount of money, or like if they
take me out, they expect me to pay for everything,
things like that, where it's made me feel like garbage
(22:29):
because I'm like, okay, am I not worth like a
five dollar coffee? So you know, it's just about learning
how to build yourself up again and have that like unbreakable,
unshakable self confidence, and then you'll probably attract better people
into your life.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
I also think that those experiences, right, it's so hard
when it's so unfair. It's not just hard, it's unfair
when you have to undo the damage that someone else
has done, when someone has like come into your heart,
come into your so come into your life, and then
like I'm going to make a mess of this just
(23:04):
for fun, Like I'm going to chisel down this person's confidence.
I think because they understand that, then you're more reliant
on them for your confidence, so they have more control
of you. Maybe they don't realize it, maybe you don't
realize it, but I think that I've seen that in
my own life so many times, and it's just it
is unfair to be like, Okay, well, now this experience
is a part of me, and it's not something that
(23:26):
I'm I'm ever going to forget. It's not something that
I'm not going to think of of time to time.
But I do think that your point of like, you
need to become almost like this, You need to become
this like impenetrable kind of fortress of like self love
and self worth and confidence where you're like, your opinion
(23:48):
of me, how you choose to treat me, has absolutely
nothing to do with who I am, because when you
think about it, there are millions of people out there
who sometimes we don't we don't give them a chance,
or we just haven't met them yet, who would treat
you amazingly. It's this like it's this metaphor of like,
(24:10):
your worth stays the same, it's just how much someone
else values it and what kind of price you're willing
to take. Like I saw this analogy that was like
a bottle of water. You know, at the grocery store
is like is a dollar a bottle of water at
Like the airport is like six dollars, Like a bottle
of water, Like a concert is like twelve dollars. Like
(24:33):
the water remains the same, Like it's the same product.
But it's where you're valued. It's where there is demand
for the kind of person that you are. And I
think some part of us, when we have gone through
a lot of dating experiences where we have been rejected,
shut down, we have fallen into this pattern of looking
for the same kind of people, we really forget that
(24:54):
and we forget that there are actually so many people
out there who would value us with who we are.
So what are some of the signs of someone who
is worth emotionally attaching to, who is worth that effort
and who you think is like I know with this
whole episode is like how to not get attached too quickly?
(25:17):
Sometimes though there are people who you have a gut
instinct to write for you like, what are some of
the distinctions do you think between the people you should
absolutely avoid in the people who you should kind of
be willing to be more vulnerable with.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
Ooh, I think someone who understands your emotions early on,
you don't have to explain yourself. It's just easy, you know,
it just flows the communication that is there. They understand
who you are and what you're about early on in
the relationship where they can, you know, kind of understand
(25:49):
your needs and respect them and respect your boundaries. I
think respect and having a mutual respect early on for
one another is such a green flag. And you know, consistency,
I think a really big thing for me personally. What
I've seen and the people that I've ended up in
serious relationships with is they were always consistent. They knew
(26:10):
exactly what they wanted, and they were like, it's you,
you know, it's you. You're the one, and I want
to date you. And everyone deserves that. Everyone deserves that
feeling of being wanted. And there's nothing wrong with wanting
that feeling of being wanted. But you know, I think
we often try to convince ourselves out of things that
(26:31):
we try to convince ourselves of things that are maybe
not necessarily good for us.
Speaker 3 (26:37):
We try to.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
Justify why things can change all the time, and we
try to make up stories in our head and fantasize like, oh,
you know, maybe once he's done with work. You know,
he said, works busy for the next two months, maybe
things will get better after that. Or you know, I've
heard that excuse many times. Oh, I'm busy with work,
and you know, I'm not really looking for a relationship
(26:58):
at this time, but I will be. It's a very
common excuse or like you know, just things like that
where no one's making excuses about wanting to be with
you or see you. Someone who can make a plan
and want to see you and want to be around you,
because if you like someone, you're going to want to
spend time with them. That's just a natural human instinct.
(27:20):
Those are all green flags me where I'm like, yes, okay,
you want to see me, you want to talk to me,
Everything feels emotionally safe, huge, huge for me at least,
indicators that it's moving in the right direction.
Speaker 1 (27:33):
What about you, Well, I actually was listening to that
being like, yeah, I completely agree one hundred percent. On
the one other one I would say, which I think
actually links to what you were talking about, is they
don't just want you on their terms, because I think
that that example that you gave of, oh, works really busy.
I don't want to date you, but also yeah, please
(27:53):
come over five nights a week and like, come and
hang out with me. It's like that is them giving.
That is then basically being like I want you on
my terms. I want you when it's convenient for me.
I don't care about you, I don't care about what
you need from me. Yeah, it's like it's so common,
I think, especially like in guys who are like twenty,
(28:16):
like early thirties, where I get it right, like it's
not it might not be a huge priority for them,
but there are people out there who it would be
a priority. Who's seeing you would be a priority, who
spending time with you would be a priority, And it
wouldn't just be based on like what their schedule looks like,
and it wouldn't just be based on like how their
life is going right now. They would make space for
(28:39):
you to be there. And then I also think the
other thing is being really clear about the future.
Speaker 3 (28:48):
There is no like, oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:50):
Ambiguity around the fact that you are in their future
with them, So then being like oh, you know, and
even as small as being like, oh, next week, we
should go to this museum or I really want to
go to this restaurant we should go, or being like
I think I'm gonna go. Yeah, Like hey, like you know, Christmas,
I'm gonna go see my parents, Like what are you
doing for Christmas? Like there is a sense of like
(29:12):
continuity there, it's not any And I think that's really important,
especially if you are someone who is anxious, because you're
not constantly trying to anticipate when the relationship is going
to end.
Speaker 3 (29:25):
This person, Oh my god, I love that.
Speaker 1 (29:28):
Yeah, but they have like it's true right, Like they
have enough respect for you to make you feel comfortable
that the relationship is going somewhere.
Speaker 3 (29:36):
Yeah, one hundred percent.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
Like I remember when I got into my last relationship.
I was shocked by how forward and how much effort
he was making. And I was like, wait, this is normal,
Like this is what normal is. I don't have to
decipher what he's trying to say and question if he
(29:58):
likes me. He was literally from the He was like
I want to hang out with you, I want to
take you to dinner, I want to see you. And
he was constantly following up about plans and making an
effort so like so many times, and I was the
one blowing him off. You know, like I was the
one saying I'm busy, I have plans because I was scared.
I was like, what is this like? Is this man
(30:19):
mentally stable? Like I thought he was the problem at
first because I had never experienced what it's like to
actually be wanted in a healthy way, which is crazy
to think about. I mean I did have other boyfriends
before that were pretty straightforward, but there was a little
more effort involved. But with him, it was just it
was so forward and it was so easy. And I
learned so much from that relationship because he always knew
(30:42):
what he wanted and it was it was like too easy.
It was it just felt so good. And I remember
he would always include me and his plans. He would
always make me a part of his life. He would say,
do you want to meet my friends? Do you want
to come to my party that I'm having with the
people that I know?
Speaker 3 (31:00):
You know?
Speaker 2 (31:01):
He always made me a part of his circle from
the beginning, and that's how I knew it was different.
I knew it was different right away because I was like,
he wants me to meet his friends on day two, Like,
what's happening right now? I think a lot of people
I want to say men. Some people get like annoyed,
like saying like men and women whatever. But I really
do believe, like if we're talking from a male perspective,
(31:22):
they kind of know instantly if they want to be
with you, and maybe that's not the best you know.
I obviously I know it doesn't apply to every relationship,
because every relationship has a different course.
Speaker 3 (31:33):
But I truly believe.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
For the most part, a man kind of knows what
he wants within the first couple of dates.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
I also think that men in particular do not face
the same societal pressure that women do to settle. So
I think that that's something that we can take, right,
It's something that we can take from them. That's why
they know instantly. That's why they know whether they like
someone or not, is because they are not also to navigate. Well,
(32:02):
I'm like, they're also not trying to navigate, like the
sense of like, oh, you know, better find someone by thirty,
like my biological clock is ticking, or I don't want
to be a spinster, or I don't want to end
up alone, or all my friends are in relationships. Like
women have been so indoctrinated by society and have learnt
so much about how they deserve to be treated from
(32:25):
like almost a deficit mindset where the thing that you
need most is a relationship, whereas for men, the thing
that they need most is like career success or like
financial stability. And as much as we think that like
that has changed, there is still that is still very
implicit in how we are raised. It's very implicit in
(32:46):
the world we see around us. So I think that's
why men are so much so much better able to
make those kind of judgment calls. Also, I love that
he like introduced you to his friends. I always say,
they should be treating you the way that you want
to be treating them, right, So if you're someone who
is like I really want you to meet my friends
and they're not doing that, there is an imbalance there.
(33:07):
Like that's also a very easy way to say it.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
Yeah, I mean I hadn't really thought too deeply into it.
And like I remember when I first, you know, started
hanging out with him, he was just so inclusive, like
he just made me feel wanted and appreciated, and.
Speaker 3 (33:25):
He wanted to show me off. That was it.
Speaker 2 (33:27):
It was like he wanted to put me on a
pedestal and say, look, at her, this is the person
I'm with, And I had never had that before. I
had never really had someone that was so proud to
be next to me. And I think that's what it
taught me, is like there are people out there that
will be so proud to show you off and be
next to you and be like, this is the person
(33:48):
I'm with, Like I'm so proud to be dating them.
And I always felt that sense of like I was
proud to be dating him also, you know, it was
like a mutual exchange of like.
Speaker 3 (33:58):
We were both proud to be each other's partners.
Speaker 2 (34:01):
And I think that's such a good feeling because you're like,
I love the qualities that you have, and I'm not
embarrassed to be out in public with you because there's
been people that have treated me badly, and I'm like,
if I run into someone I know and they know
what's going on with this situationship, it's like that it
makes me look bad because I'm like tolerating someone that
you know, won't commit to me or whatever. And my
friends know if they see me out, they're gonna shit
(34:22):
on me for being with this person, you know. But
with him, I remember I was like I want the
people in my life to know how amazing he is.
And I think he, you know, he felt the same
way about me. So it ended up being a really
good relationship, but it also set the standard. So now
it's like, that's what I want times one hundred, Like,
if I'm gonna get married to someone, my husband better
(34:43):
be shouting my name from the rooftops in New York City.
Speaker 1 (34:47):
Yeah, you know minimum you know that's saying in friends
when Monica gets engaged and she's like, I'm engaged. I
want my husband to be doing that, pleased and thank you,
like you have a prize. So I feel like, if
that's like the gold standard, our tendency to get attached
too quickly we've already identified is not helping us in
(35:08):
this because it's not a allowing you to see yeah,
you're not seeing things clearly. Sometimes it ends up sabotaging
the relationship where you like put undue pressure not on
the other person, but on you as a couple, you
as a pair, way too early before like it's ready
to hold that kind of responsibility. So what are some
(35:29):
of the ways that we can kind of slow down
the attachment process, take things slowly, take our time and
really listen to our gut instinct.
Speaker 2 (35:39):
Well, I think it comes down to what we were
talking about earlier is really grounding yourself and being in
your own frame and knowing that you know you should
not be settling just because you're alone. And that's a
big thing that a lot of people, as you just
said that really blew my mind earlier, the point you
made about how men have this society, they don't have
(36:00):
the societal pressure that women do to settle because there
you know, it's like the clock is ticking for women.
That's like a whole thing that I guess we see
advertised everywhere nowadays, and I think there's so much truth
to that, and I think just putting everything into perspective
and understanding that it's so much worse to rush and
(36:23):
dive deep dive into someone that's not good for you
and latch onto someone that's not good for you and
then get attached to something that's not going anywhere. It's
so much worse in the long term, and really thinking
about it from like pulling yourself out of it and
looking like from a bird's eye view in a way
and just saying, okay, like, how is this going to
(36:43):
help me in the long term. If you don't think
it is, and you think it's not going to go anywhere,
it's better to wait, and it's better to focus on
yourself and direct all that energy inwards. And I think
like the ways I've done that is you know, I
mean this might sound cliche, but actually though, I meditate
every single day, and I tell myself self love affirmations
almost every single day. And I'm very big on self
(37:06):
concept because your self concept plays into everything, and it
especially plays into your relationships and people. People mirror to
you where you're at in your life right and people
mirror to you how you feel about yourself. And I
think unpacking those feelings of insecurity that you have when
(37:26):
you're latched onto someone that isn't good for you and
kind of healing that is the step you need to
take in order to not get attached and actually meet
the right person. And that's something I'm working through right
now because I still have my own healing to do too,
Like I'm looking for someone that's going to be the
long term, like the endgame, and I still have stuff
(37:47):
that I'm healing, which is like settling just because you
know someone treats you nice temporarily and takes you to dinner. Like,
that's not a reason why you should latch onto them.
That is the bare minimum. It doesn't mean that that's
your soulmate, right Like, but you could have these blinders
on when you're alone for a while, which I empathize,
(38:10):
you know, I empathize when people are like alone for
a long time. You kind of have these like delusional
goggles on sometimes and you gotta you gotta rip the
goggles off.
Speaker 1 (38:22):
It's because you're coming at it. I think from like
a like a scarcity mindset where you're like, wow, I
better grab. Like it's kind of like when everyone when
you feel like everyone else has something that you want,
you're just going to grab like the first thing that
you see, because it's going to fulfill at least the
sense that you have it. I also think that, yeah,
when you talk about like meditating and positive affirmations, positive
(38:45):
affirmations work, there is so much psychology behind it. The
way you speak to yourself impacts your behavior and impacts
the kind of the I hate the word vibe because
it sounds so like unscientific, but kind of like the
energy that you give off.
Speaker 2 (39:01):
Ever since I started really making a habit of changing
my inner dialogue and saying, you know, I am the
best person this, Like I'm the best person that anyone's
ever gonna meet. I know it might sound a little
not narcissistic, but it sounds like full of yourself.
Speaker 3 (39:15):
No, it's just it's good.
Speaker 2 (39:17):
You know, it's good to feel like the best person
in the room. Why wouldn't you want to feel like
the best person in the room. Like, it doesn't mean
that necessarily objectively, Like maybe other people wouldn't agree with that,
but it doesn't matter, you know, it matters how you
feel about yourself. And that's why I always I started
telling myself these things like I'm the most amazing person,
I'm so successful, I'm so beautiful, I'm so confident. These
(39:38):
things are okay to feel about yourself, you know, like
why shouldn't everyone feel good about themselves? So I yeah,
I do really agree with that. The whole psychology behind affirmations.
I've seen massive changes in my life ever since I started.
Speaker 1 (39:52):
Also, it's interesting because I think a lot of people
get concerned that that kind of behavior is like narcissistic.
The thing is, when you are in a world that
is constantly trying to break down your sense of self
concept or your sense of self esteem. You kind of
need an exaggerated practice like that, or you need to
speak to yourself in an exaggerated, highly positive way to
(40:15):
counteract that negativity in order to reach a balance like
I do genuinely believe it, and affirmations are an amazing
way to do that. Set a behavioral intention as well,
be like I'm not going to settle for this, I'm
not going to settle for and write a list, and
also write a list of what you truly want, and
(40:36):
when you meet someone, actually honestly evaluate them against those
against you know, those those non negotiables. It's a way
to make sure that when it comes to situations of
the heart, when it comes to situations that are very emotional,
like attachment, you are maintaining like your rational edge, you
(40:58):
are maintaining like a logical, steady head when it comes
to these situations, especially if you know that you as
someone who gets maybe carried away. And I think also
make sure that you sustain your emotional independence. So often
I find I used to find that I would be
entirely reliant on someone else's reactions and behavior and their
(41:22):
receptiveness to me to determine my mood.
Speaker 3 (41:25):
I definitely do that. Oh yeah, that's no.
Speaker 2 (41:29):
That's so common, you know, when if someone doesn't react
the way you expect them to, or if someone doesn't
text you back right away, or something where you just
are kind of accept like you're kind of expecting a
certain response. If you don't get that exact response or
someone's not treating you the right way, it's so easy
to emotionally react to that and be like, oh, my
whole day's ruined, you know. But yeah, it's very relatable.
(41:55):
But it's also like tying back into self concept. Once
you have such a strong sense of self, those things
don't affect you anymore, you know. I feel like that
it's happened less and less to me, Like I get
less negative reactions from people now that I'm more grounded,
which is an amazing thing, because I think a lot
of the time I was always waiting on someone's validation
(42:15):
of the things they said to me or how they
said it or the way they phrased it in order
to make me feel like, oh, I'm doing a good job,
you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (42:21):
And it's like, you don't need that like you don't
this person unless they prove it to you, means nothing.
Like that was a real mindset shift I had where
I was like, you do not deserve to be in
my life until you prove that you want to be
there and then we can talk, like then we can
see what happens. So I think that's really important and
(42:41):
also prevents you from fantasy bonding when you like recognize
that your emotional independence means a lot more than your
connection to that person, your sense of like just emotional
wellness as well. You said something on your show the
other day that was like if this person is making
you feel like ill or stick to your stomach, like
that is not a good sign. Like if they are
(43:03):
at any point making you feel like it's not a
good sign. Like you don't have like ibs, you don't
have like chronic like stomach pains, Like this person is
like it's just bad for you, Like they're creating physical
reactions in your body. So it's also something to remember.
Speaker 2 (43:21):
Oh yeah, for sure, I definitely have had I've had
physical reactions to people before, where like I was physically
repulsed by things that like happened and you know, felt
actually like actually felt ill at times. I kept getting
sinus infections when I was around this one person every
(43:42):
time I would hang out with them. So I got
a sinus infection the next day. Telling you something, and
it was like, and sinuses are I think sinuses are
linked to your emotions, your emotional well being in general,
like from a spiritual perspective, And I was doing some
research on this, and your body can react in crazy
ways when you're around people that are not good for
you and that are sucking your energy dry. And that's
(44:05):
another way to know if you're attached to the wrong person.
Speaker 3 (44:08):
So keep that Also.
Speaker 1 (44:09):
Stress, Like stress increases cortisol. It's going to make you
experience like illness and sickness. It's going to suppress your
immunity more. That is like an important way your body
is telling you that something isn't right. So I think
that that is a good place to end things with
a health warning. And I really do hope that, like
(44:31):
I really do hope that if you are someone who
gets attached too quickly, that this episode has helped you,
that this episode has given you something to think about.
You know, when I'm moving into the new year, and
we're going to move into the new year, unattached and
absolutely madly in love with ourselves and not with someone
who doesn't deserve it. So I want to thankless so
(44:53):
much again for coming on. If you do not listen
to her podcast, I personally listen to it. I think
it's amazing and it gives me a lot to think about.
I'm sure it will give you a lot to think
about as well. So thanks for coming on again.
Speaker 3 (45:07):
Thank you, thank you. I tell everyone about your podcast also.
Speaker 2 (45:10):
It's amazing and I'm just grateful that I'm on again.
Speaker 1 (45:15):
Yeah, women supporting women, guys, That's what it's all about.
As always, If you enjoyed this episode, please feel free
to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify
wherever you are listening right now, and if you have
an episode suggestion. If you just want to get in
touch see some behind the scenes content, you can follow
us on Instagram at that Psychology Podcast. We will be
(45:36):
back next week with another guest episode, so we will
see you then.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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