January 26, 2024 • 44 mins
Two of the most noteworthy elements of our 20s are dating and our experiences with mental health. They also interact - our mental health will influence how we date, how we deal with rejection, how we meet new people, and subsequently, our dating experiences can have a profound impact on our mental health. In this episode we dissect everything about this interaction and how we can take care of our mental and emotional wellbeing, avoid codependency whilst also finding the love we deserve.
We also talk through some advice for people who are dating partners with mental health struggles and how to support them, whilst also not stepping into the role of caregiver or savior. Listen now!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to this show.
(00:26):
Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, you know the deal. It
is so great to have you here. Back for another
episode as we, of course break down the psychology of
our twenties. Today, we're going to talk about something that
I think is on a lot of our radars in
some capacity. Two of the biggest and I would say
(00:48):
most noteworthy elements of our twenties are dating, figuring out
that whole side of things, and also our experiences with
navigating our mental health. I think that those two things
really define this period of life more significantly, more profoundly
(01:08):
than anything else. They are at the center of a
lot of the most life changing experiences and moments during
this chapter of our lives. I think a lot of
the biggest revelations we have about who we are and
who we want to become come from these two kind
of facets. They come from who we're dating, how we're dating,
our experiences with love and heartbreak and so many other facets,
(01:32):
and then also our experiences with coping and coping with
how our mind works and the ways that sometimes it
betrays us. I think whilst a lot of us are
out there looking for love, looking for connection, for inspiration,
for long term companionship, whatever it is that you're kind
of searching for on your dating life, this is also
(01:54):
the decade of quite a lot of mental struggle. And
I don't want to say suffering because I don't think
that's the right word, but healing maybe, and also deep
emotional work. I think there's no denying the evidence, the
research that eighteen to nine to twenty nine year olds
have the largest incidence rate of mental health symptoms, primarily
(02:17):
anxiety and depression, than any other age group. We see
it over and over again in studies all around the world,
young people, twenty something year olds, they're really doing it
tough when it comes to their mental health. And whilst
that is going on, we are also expected to make
that big transition into kind of what an adult should
(02:39):
look like, and we're meant to show people that we're
growing up, that we're progressing, that they don't need to
worry about us. You know, we're hitting the adult milestones.
Part of that is dating, is having a relationship, is
meeting people. And what I don't think anybody is talking
about is how mental health and dating really interact that
(03:00):
relationship really needs to be explored in both directions, because
dating is, honestly, it's such a vulnerable experience. It's so intimate.
You're basically sitting in front of a person and saying,
please like me for who I am, maybe there's a
future here, please accept me. But also, you know, it's
okay if you don't like I don't want to get
(03:21):
too close to you. It's this whole I think kind
of mental maze and our mental health is going to
impact how we date, how we go about meeting you people,
how those experiences will affect us, and dating will also
simultaneously impact our mental health. The rejection, the heartbreak, the
(03:43):
ups and downs. That really does something to our groping skills,
to our mood, our confidence, our overall sense of emotional stability,
and I think that's really important to recognize. I also
think part of the conversation around dating and mental health
has to do with the partners of people with mental
health struggles and what is it that they need to
(04:05):
understand that maybe isn't communicated. You know, the things that
people need from a relationship is you know, it's going
to differ. It's going to differ based on things like
preferences and attachment styles and past relationships, all of those things,
but also based on where we are at mentally. If
you are anxious, you might require, you know, more reassurance
(04:25):
from your partner. If you're prone to depressive episodes, you
might self isolate, you might push people away. And it
doesn't mean that you don't care about them, that you
don't want connection, that you are not deserving of connection.
I just think that it is something that is part
of kind of like not to sound cheesy, but our journey,
and it's part of how we find people who accept
(04:46):
us for who we truly are. So I want to
talk about it today. I want to talk about every
side of this connection, how everything interacts in this way,
and I think, more importantly, how we can have both,
how we can dates successfully without letting it harm our
most precious resource, which is our mental health. How do
(05:07):
we put up boundaries, how do we have hard conversations
with the people we're seeing around what we need. How
do we approach the things that maybe we want to
hide from, How do we stop trauma bonding with people,
letting people take advantage of us. How do we kind
of cope with dealing with simultaneously the crazy world of
dating whilst also taking care of ourselves and taking care
(05:29):
of our mental health. So we're going to talk about
all of it, all the research, all the psychology, all
this science, and so much more. So let's get into it.
I want to start off by talking about how our
mental health impacts how we date, how it changes the
(05:50):
way that we date, our behavioral patterns, our attitudes towards dating.
I think mental health is not a one size fits
all kind of concept. We can't just slap a label
on everyone who could possibly have a diagnosis that falls
into the DSM and call it mental health. I think
different conditions are going to have a different impact when
(06:14):
it comes to dating, and the main ones I really
want to look at are really depression and anxiety. I
think those have the highest prevalence, but there's also a
lot to be said about the interactions between like ADHD
and BPD in dating. One of the biggest things that
underpins all conditions, all mental health conditions is though, I
think the experience of stigma that really persists to this day.
(06:38):
We know that stigma shows up in the world, and
if it shows up in the world, it's going to
show up in the people that we will meet, maybe
the people we will date, it will show up in
the people we talk to as unfortunate and sad as
that is, and not everyone has the dialogue that perhaps
we're having to understand that really it's not a reflection
of who someone is. It doesn't say anything about their worth.
(07:00):
So I think that's one of the primary things we
have to navigate. How do we have those open conversations
around mental health with people that we're dating. When do
we tell people, do we tell people, what do we say?
How do we respond when someone doesn't have a good
response and they let us down when they kind of
reveal a part of themselves that isn't willing to accept this,
(07:22):
especially if it's someone that you're getting serious with. I
want to touch on that just a little bit later on. Firstly,
let's kind of break down what it is about conditions
that may make dating different for different people who have
some kind of experience with mental health. Depression is what's
about to say. Depression is a good place to start.
But I know that sounds so terrible, but let's start there.
(07:45):
Let's start there. Depression, I think, I know, makes it
hard to do anything. It is one of the primary
underlying facts about this condition. It makes it hard for
you to be excited about anything in life, you know,
let alone a random stranger you've met on a dating app,
let alone the possibility of having to meet new people
(08:07):
and tell them your favorite color and let them get
to know you. I think depression also causes us to
self isolate at times. It means that we have less
energy occasionally to put energy into the early stages of dating,
into going on dates, into putting ourselves out there. It's
really hard, I think, and important to acknowledge that it's
(08:30):
going to be different if you're someone who has these
episodes of just not feeling like the world is a
great place, and maybe your response to that is to
go silent, is to self isolate. During those episodes, I
do feel like it's like everything stops, and that can
be hard for the people that we're dating to understand.
(08:52):
We might end up accidentally ghosting someone. Maybe icing them out,
and sometimes people don't understand that, and that's not something
that we can read deem ourselves from, or we like
go of good connections because we honestly just don't have
the mental bandwidth to maintain them. I think also depression
has this awful habit of making us feel like we
(09:16):
are not good people because we're not showing up in
the way that people expect us to. Let me talk
about that a little bit more. I think like when
we imagine dating, especially in our twenties, it is this
image of like fun and excitement and like ecstasy and
like everything is new and amazing, We're having the best
(09:36):
experiences and we're meeting people. But sometimes you just don't
feel like a fun person. You just don't feel like
you have the space to hold those experiences. And that
can make us feel like because we're not having the
same experiences that everyone else is, because we are struggling
with something deeper, that we are the problem. We turn
(09:58):
to a point of a lot of self shame. And
one of the real big kind of negative self talk
points that I see we tell ourselves. One of the
things we often say is like I'm lucky that this
person even likes me because of what I'm going through,
They're going to get bored of me because I'm not
as fun because I have this part of me that
(10:18):
maybe is harder to accept. And I think that that
makes it really hard to be vulnerable and to put
ourselves out there, because when we are letting someone see
us for who we truly are, those dark sides included,
sometimes it's hard to believe that someone will love us
for that. That's one element of it, I think, one
of the elements behind why it's hard to put yourself
(10:39):
out there. But another I think unintended impact or experience
that I think is something that a lot of people
who are struggling with mental health have is they need
to overshare in order to justify our behavior or our experience,
almost like we need to warn people of what they
can expect. And I think that that can lead us
(11:00):
to maybe being too vulnerable too soon. And I want
to clarify what that means, because I'm not saying that
if you struggle with depression or anxiety, like that's a
secret that you need to keep to yourself. No, I
think that you should be really open about it. But
I think it's also a natural tendency for us to
want to create closeness with someone, and that can cause
(11:21):
us to tell them perhaps elements of our experience, elements
of our journey that we're revealing too soon, and it's
causing us to become attached too quickly, almost because like
I said, we feel like this person needs to be prepared,
like we are this like this thing that like if
we don't tell them now, they'll they'll be like surprised,
they'll think we tricked them into falling in love. Like
(11:43):
it's just I think a real negative mental spiral. Like
I said, it's not to say that you shouldn't be vulnerable,
but I think something that we need to be aware
of if you are someone who is dating with mental health,
is perhaps our tendency to fantasy bond with someone or
to become reliant on them. Once you have overshared or
(12:04):
shared this big honest thing about yourself, you suddenly feel
like they could be your savior, that they could make
your mental health better, they can fix you. And I've
had that experience and it's not anything to feel any
shame around, because that's really what we all want, right,
Like we want someone to sit across from us, for
(12:25):
us to tell them and show them who we are,
and for them to say, I'll take all of it,
I'll love you anyway, And we get to that point
through sharing and through vulnerability and raw conversation. But I
also think that we put love on a pedestal, and
when everything else in your life might not be working out,
when you're kind of like got this black cloud over
your head, sometimes we expect more from love and from
(12:48):
the people who provide it than we should. We think
that they're going to be the antidote to everything going
on in our mind, and we create false expectations. The
biggest reason why I'm kind of raising this yes, and
why I think it's an important part of the conversation
around dating and mental health. It's very easy to get
carried away by the idea of someone fixing you, and
(13:11):
for that to result in you kind of giving up
all your other coping skills and giving up the things
that actually keep you healthy, and then maybe having them leave,
having them walk away, and watching your mental health plummet
like it never has before. When we become overreliant on
someone before they prove to us that they are deserving
(13:32):
of that trust and of that honesty, and of that vulnerability,
suddenly we are left without the coping skills that we
really need. I think what's worse is when people almost
fetishize your mental health condition or your struggles, like the
fact that you are quote unquote like tortured. I see
that word all the time, and like books where a
character has passed trauma or has a mental health condition,
(13:57):
like there's suddenly this like poetic, when in fact they're
not like a piece of art. They're not like your
manic pixie dream girl. They're just a person. They're just
a person. This is part of their story. And I
think when we romanticize or let people romanticize our experiences,
they begin to see us as that rather than as
(14:19):
someone who is so much more than perhaps a label
that has been put on us. One example of this
that I'm really specifically thinking about is attracting people who
have a savior complex. So in psychology, the savior complex
refers to a person an individual that has a strong
(14:40):
tendency to seek out others who need help and who
are looking for a savior. They're looking for someone to
assist them, maybe because they are in a bad place.
It doesn't make that person a bad person. It's not
always malicious, but sometimes people date other people for self
serving reasons because it makes them feel good to be
(15:01):
the helper, to be this great person. And when we
examine that deeper, these people really benefit from you needing them.
They have an ulterior motive to keep you stuck in
a dark place. And it's not always conscious. But if
your relationship has been founded on firstly that like intense
bonding over experiences, but then also you're you know that
(15:24):
you needing this person, it's very hard to learn other
ways to cope and to manage because it means that
you might need them less and they might therefore need
you less as well, because you no longer fit this
like image of this like interesting, tortured individual. It's why
I think sometimes we see a lot of codependency in
(15:45):
relationships between people who are struggling and people who are not.
It's important to remember that, although it's a hard truth,
no one else is responsible for your mental health. That
is all up to you, sadly, and it's very hard.
But also you are not your mental health condition. You're
(16:05):
more than that. You deserve someone who loves you mental
health and or not in spite of it, definitely not,
but also it doesn't need to be glamorized. There is
a lot that we can romanticize in our lives, but
I don't think that poor mental health is one of them,
and we certainly don't want someone else to be doing
it for us. So I think that is something to
be aware of, not just for people with depression, but
(16:27):
all conditions. How mental health can cause us to attach
very quickly to people, to become reliant on them, to
see them as a savior, to see love is something
that will fix our problems. That also applies to conditions
like anxiety as well, which is probably a great segue
into talking about it. Anxiety, I think is more than
(16:49):
just being stressed or worried from time to time. It
can bring a constant sense of doom, of irritability, of restlessness,
and so many are hypervigilance, the whole the whole list,
and I think the most common types of anxiety that
we really see a generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, panic disorder.
(17:10):
Let's focus on social anxiety just for a second here.
I think the relationship and why social anxiety might make
it harder to date is maybe obvious, but still worth examining. Obviously,
it brings a certain shyness and introversion because what you're
anxious about is not general things, is not the future,
although that might still be something you think about. It's
(17:32):
how other people perceive you. It's how other people. The
acknowledgment that other people have an opinion of you that
you might not be able to control, and that their
opinion matters, and that kind of acknowledgement that experience can
cause us to be quite closed off to the possibility
of dating and meeting new people. And it might feel like,
(17:55):
whilst everyone else is having these experiences, you're kind of
held back because it's not that you can't do it,
but it's just harder for you to put yourself in
those novel situations with people that you don't know. I
hear a lot of people be like, oh, just go
on dates, you know, just put yourself out there, not
realizing how much more complicated and difficult that is. When
(18:18):
your brain is going a million miles an hour every
waking moment and you have this like intense perception of
everything that could go wrong, you feel a people's opinions
more deeply. You're more hyper vigilant to perceive social threats.
And I think one of the foundational parts of dating
that that doesn't quite mesh well with is that part
(18:39):
of dating is you want people to like you. But
often we become too focused on that such that we
can't enjoy the moment, We can't enjoy the process. We
think that we should be more like this person, or
make ourselves more like this version of us in order
to get this person's approval and to avoid the social
rejection that we fear. How this shows up as something
(19:00):
that I like to call an anxiety spiral, particularly before
things like first dates or even like second third dates.
You know, should I wear this? What will they think
if I wear that? What will they think about if
I answer this question this way? What will they think
if I double text them? Like so many different fears
that we have around what this person is thinking. It
can cause us to feel really overwhelmed to say things
(19:23):
we don't mean, to cancel dates last minute, to leave early,
especially like for those of us with a panic disorder,
it's a fear around what will happen if I have
a panic attack during the date? How embarrassing like? And
it's that fear spiral, It's that catastrophizing, that future telling,
that predicting that can lead to avoidance. The easiest way
(19:44):
to not feel fear is to not put yourself in
those situations. Right, So, whilst one person might not think
twice about walking into a blind date with someone they
don't know, for someone else, it takes a lot more
mental preparation, and sometimes it's easier to just not have
those experiences because they are so stressful and so overwhelming.
(20:04):
And it's not that you don't want love. It's not
that you are like not putting yourself out there. It's
not that you don't want to put yourself out there.
It's so much more complicated, and I think sometimes that's
something that people just can't say. I also want to
talk about the impact of swipe based dating apps like Hinge, Tinder, Bumble,
and how they've been shown to impact our mental health
(20:26):
in this century, not even in this century, in the
last like five to ten years. So there is one
pretty amazing paper on this. It's actually one of the
only pieces of research actually on this topic, and it
was published in twenty twenty, and it really takes a
deep dive into how dating apps have changed, not just
how we date but the subsequent mental health impacts that
(20:49):
come with constantly being able to scroll thousands of profiles
and have your attractiveness and perceive desirability validated or dismissedes
at all hours of the day. Yes, I think dating
apps have expanded our options. If we're talking about anxiety,
you know, it's really great for people with social anxiety.
(21:11):
At times. It means that they have more time to
talk to someone online. You know, it's more accessible, but
it's also a lot more stress inducing. This study, the
one I was just speaking about, it showed that people
who are using dating apps do report higher levels of depression,
higher levels of anxiety, higher levels of comparison of distress
(21:32):
compared to those who don't use these applications. And that's
probably for a few reasons. Firstly, if you're not having
the success that you want, that can be incredibly demoralizing,
incredibly painful. But additionally, when your emotional resources and ability
to cope as already being taxed by mental health concerns,
(21:55):
it means that you're a lot more sensitive to these
perceived rejects. And that is the second component of why
I think dating apps in particular are hard for people
who have anxiety or any type of mental health condition.
Because of what we call rejection sensitivity, dating involves a
(22:15):
lot more nose than it does. Yes's, some people, especially
those with anxiety or ADHD or BPD, experience a more
severe reaction and emotional pain to being rejected than others.
So they looked into this back in twenty twenty one
and they confirmed that link, and what they coined was
this term called dating anxiety. And what that really comes
(22:39):
to tell us is that there are certain people who
their anxiety is so specific that it it comes to
revolve around this very experience of dating, of having to
meet people new people who could potentially, you know, be
the love of your life, but also is more likely
than not going to not be a great experience. Is
(23:03):
you know, as hard as that is, like I said,
like dating is basically like a constant rejection exercise for
a lot of people. And if your rejection sensitivity is heightened,
it's going to mean that every time these these things happen,
every time you're ghosted, every time someone doesn't match with you,
every time someone doesn't reply to you, it's going to
(23:24):
mean that those things you feel them a lot more deeply.
It makes it harder to bounce back, and it makes
you look for other conclusions to that person's perceived rejection.
It makes you look into what is wrong with you.
Anxious people are not only I think, the biggest overthinkers
out there, but also some of the most intelligent people
(23:45):
in the world, because their brains are constantly looking for
answers to every problem, even problems that haven't happened yet,
even problems that have nothing to do with them that
they will never find an answer for. Someone hasn't messaged
you back on dating app There are a million different
conclusions someone hasn't asked you on a second date. There
are also a million different answers as to why, but
(24:09):
we cannot move forward without finding out why. And normally,
when we don't have the answers from the other person,
we look internally. We become very creative about our responses
and we internalize that there must be something wrong with
us if this person didn't like us enough to take
it to the next level, to keep seeing us, to
(24:30):
message us back, and that reduces our self confidence, reduces
our self esteem. It can really lead to an anxiety spiral,
but also exacerbate things like our abandonment issues or an
anxious or avoidant attachment style. Your threshold for what might
be triggering you is, naturally, if you're someone with anxiety,
(24:53):
a lot lower, meaning that it's more sensitive, meaning that
things that other people might ignore, things other people might dismiss,
might see is just kind of like part of the game,
impact you a lot more and also cause us to
question our value, our value, our judgment, and kind of
what we have to offer. That is why if you
(25:16):
are someone who struggles with their mental health and is
also dating, you are going to have to set stronger
boundaries than people who don't have those experiences. And there's
a few reasons why bad dating experiences. Overlooking potential red flags,
bad people, they can worsen our mental health in very,
(25:38):
very severe and serious ways. There is medical evidence to
support that bad dates, bad relationships, bad situationships, They can
cause stress. They can damage your immune system, mainly because
those situations increase our cortisol. They put us in a
stress state that if it isn't resolved, puts so much
additional pressure on our body that it takes up all
(26:01):
of our resources, all of the resources that we need
to cope in other areas of our life. Our mental
energy is a finite resource. So when one experience when
one aspect of our life is requiring a lot from us,
like a string of bad dates or a bunch of
messages left on red, or a person who doesn't reply,
or who treats you badly, or who just like keeps
(26:22):
you know, she keeps dragging you along, leading you on.
Those are so mentally taxing that they take resources that
we need to devote to other things. They can also
present as a trigger. Even healthy love can be a
trigger because, as I said before, love leaves us incredibly vulnerable.
It just demands that you be more open, more open
(26:43):
to connection, yes, but also more open to pain, to heartbreak,
to being hurt. It is mentally demanding, it's emotionally quite perilous,
and when things go wrong, your mental health will be
in And that's not to scare you. It's just to
make sure that you're aware that you need to be
(27:04):
more conscious of what you should be demanding for yourself,
who you are letting in. You know. I have a
story about this about someone I dated, are going It
was like my first boyfriend, and I did everything that
you weren't meant to do. I I'm going to take
accountability here, Like I trauma bonded with this person. I
became reliant on him whilst also ignoring all the signs
(27:25):
that he had a savior complex. I abandoned my tried
and tested self care habits and the important parts of
my routine that were keeping me happy and stable and
in a good place. And then he broke up with me,
and that pushed me to such a low point. It
completely disrupted what I felt was normal. It created emotional
and balance, and it resulted in like a pretty massive
depressive episode that was like three months long. And I think,
(27:48):
obviously that's a very serious case, but it happens a
lot with things that are less serious. Like you just
have to realize that your sensitivity and your threshold might
be lower than other people because you are you do
have such a big cart, because you do have so
many other things going on that small things that other
people can dismiss might hurt you and injure your sense
(28:09):
of worth your self esteem more than others. And I
want you to ask yourself, you know, is a short
attachment or a fling or a burst of romance with
someone who might not be treating you well, who might
not want what you want? Is it worth jeopardizing your
mental health? That is one of the most important resources
that you have. You cannot, I guess I get it
(28:30):
back like it's so hard to rebuild. It is precious
and it is delicate. So when you are dating people,
really ask yourself, is this person proving to me that
they are safe? Is it going to cost me my
mental health to be with them? I think the answer
to that question isn't always clear, But I want to
provide some tips on how to I don't want to
(28:50):
say keep yourself safe because that is slightly dramatic, but
more so how to date with your mental health and
emotional well being as a priority, and also some advice
for people who dating partners who struggle with their mental health.
How can you show up as a really good person
in this person's life. How can you help them without
being overbearing, without becoming that kind of savior character that
(29:11):
we were speaking about. So all of that are more
after this short break. We face a lot of misconceptions
when we date, as people myself included, who have had
ups and dams with our mental health. And one of
the biggest misconceptions I hear is that because you are
(29:31):
depressed because you are anxious, because you need more reassurance,
because you could tastrophize, because you need more rest. Whatever
it is that you are somehow less deserving of love,
that it is harder in some way for people to
love you. There is not a tiny, tiny part of
that that is true, not at all. And I think
when we I don't want to say, let ourselves believe it,
(29:54):
but when we take that as a truth, when we
hear that, too often we settle for lefs yes, because
we begin to think, well, if I'm hard to love,
I should take what I am given and I should
be happy with it because it's better than nothing. And
that is the absolute worst mindset that we can have
when it comes to like looking for love. You are
(30:14):
deserving of just so much, so much, if not more.
You're so incredibly open hearted and sensitive and empathetic. You
see the world differently like that is amazing, and I
think we need to ensure that we are open to
the love that we deserve whilst also really taking care
of ourselves. So here are some of my tips. Number one,
(30:36):
don't feel like you need to give people a reason
if you're a little off, especially in the early stages
of dating, you don't need to be explicit or over
explain yourself. If you need to cancel a date because
you're having an episode or because you're just really anxious,
just say, you know, you don't have to give them
the exact reason. Sometimes I think honesty is not the
(30:57):
best policy, And we're not doing this from a place
of like what if I scare them off? Like absolutely not.
It's more that we want to protect ourselves from feeling
closer to this person than we need to before they've
proved to us that they deserve to feel close to us.
Hopefully that makes sense. But I think if we like
immediately are like, sorry, I need to cancel the date,
(31:19):
like I'm super depressed because you know, my pet just died,
and oh I've had you know, ongoing depression for three
years and blah blah. Like obviously, like eventually, if this
person like works out, you can tell them all those things.
You should tell them all those things. But in the
early stages, I do think, as we spoke about in
the first half of this episode, you don't want to
(31:40):
become like, feel like you're relying on this person, or
feel like because you've shared something with them that suddenly
the relationship is more important than it actually is. So
don't feel like you need that they need to know
everything about you up front. I think that prevents trauma bonding,
and it allows you to kind of create some some distance,
some healthy disc so that you continue to ensure that
(32:02):
you are coping without looking to them to be your savior,
looking to them to be your distraction. Some ways that
we can do that obviously, like you don't need to
be explicit if things are happening, especially not if it's
like before a first date or like even I would say,
in the first three dates. And also create space between
your dates as well, so that you don't feel like
(32:23):
I think this doesn't even just relate to people with
mental health concerns, but everyone. Like sometimes when you spend
like three days in a row with someone, like you're
automatically going to see them as like a more important
part of your life than someone that you went on
three dates with, like over the span of three weeks.
So try and like give yourself time, give yourself space
(32:44):
to actually get to know someone. Try not to date
as a distraction from your mental health, from taking care
of yourself or at the expense of your mental health.
If you know that you are going through a really
hard time and that maybe one of your tendencies is
to self sabotage, is to self destruct, and the way
(33:05):
you do that is through dating. You know that about yourself.
You know that, So try not to use other people,
to use the allure of love as a solution, as
a distraction, as kind of like a tool that isn't dependable,
do you know what I mean? Like mental health is
(33:26):
so delicate, but also I think after a period of time,
you kind of understand what works for you. Is that
taking your medication on time, Is that making sure that
you have a loone time and time to reset. Is
it making sure that you're doing enough exercise, that you're
going to therapy. And if there is a relationship that
is getting in the way of you doing those things,
(33:48):
those things that you know are independently really good for you.
Because you are using this person as a distraction because
they seem to be offering you this like huge, big,
glowing life change antidote that is love. Take a step back. Also,
don't be afraid to say that doesn't work for me.
(34:08):
Like if you have things that you need to do
to protect your mental health. You don't owe this person anything, right, Like,
the most important person in your life is you, and
taking care of you should always be priority. Don't worry
about upsetting them, don't worry about letting them down. That
is a people pleasing habit that is obviously more common
(34:30):
amongst people who are anxious or amongst people who have
some kind of trauma to do with dating. You're allowed
to say, no, that doesn't work for me. You're allowed
to say you're allowed to put up boundaries, and you're
allowed to like continue to prioritize yourself even if this
other person might be bothered by it, even if they
might be upset, even if it doesn't work for them.
(34:51):
If you are also an anxious person when dating, get
off the apps or limit your notifications. I did this
a lot because I would get like these phantom buzzers.
I'm such an anxious data right, because I am an
anxious person that immediately after I'd match with something, everything
match with someone, like, everything would just feel more heightened.
(35:13):
There was so much expectation because I was always overthinking everything,
and I was always like looking to predict the future,
and so I found that like I would always be
checking my phone. I was always like overly worried about
when this person was going to get back to me,
like what they'd said if they'd match with me. Turn
off your notifications and only check them twice a day,
(35:34):
once a day. I don't know whether set like a
time period that feels reasonable for you and stick to
it so that you don't feel like this thing, this
app this like weird holy grail of like potential dates
has control over your emotional reactions and has control over
your mood. If whether or not someone matched with you
(35:55):
that day, or whether or not this man replied to
you or this woman or this person replied to you
is impacting your mood, that is a really good point
time to be like, I'm going to set a boundary here.
This is not healthy, This is not serving me, This
is not good for my health, and my health is
I'm about to be like health as wealth, very cheesy,
very doctor Seuss vibes. But it really is, It really is,
(36:17):
And I think it's worth it to take a step back,
even if you get less of the validation, even if
you feel like you're actively dating and pursuing love, in
order to really like rest and sit in what you
need if you are dating after trauma or a hard experience.
I also say, like go on dates at a low pressure,
go on dates at are low efforts, so you don't
(36:38):
get too invested at the start. Ask more questions of
them than them of you, to really test their emotional intelligence.
I like, have a few questions here that I ask
that I did ask that really like allowed me to
see whether this person is going to be accepting of
me and everything that that brought. One of the best
(36:59):
ones is to ask them the last time they cried.
I know it sounds like so silly, but how someone
responds to that question honestly actually tells you a lot
about how they'll be, not just in a relationship, but
kind of how they see emotional reactions in general, how
they treat their own emotions. And maybe I should have
(37:22):
said this tip earlier, but I think it kind of
was obvious, Like sometimes you just need to stop dating,
like if sometimes it's just not worth it. It's just
there are a lot of reasons why it's harder sometimes
obviously the rejection sensitivity, the self worth, that need to
self isolate, the depressive episodes, Like sometimes it's just it's
(37:43):
too hard and it's okay to just be like, yeah,
I'm not dating at the moment, it might seem like
everyone else is doing it. You don't need to be everyone,
you know need to be like putting yourself through an
emotional rollercoaster with the promise that maybe you'll meet someone,
because maybe you will meet someone, but maybe they will
hurt you more than you're prepared to be hurt at
the moment, more than you like are able to be
(38:05):
heard at the moment, you know, more than you can take.
I think that's an important thing to think about. All right,
So those are some of my tips. Take them or
leave them. Please. If you have others, tell me I'll
share them. I'll share them over on my Instagram. But
I want to also just quickly talk about a quick
like rapid fire list for people who might be listening
(38:26):
to this episode seeking information about someone they're dating who
is struggling with depression, who is struggling with anxiety, who
is struggling with a mental health condition, coming from someone
who I'm dating, someone who is amazing at this, who
is just like, I don't know where he got this
unique ability, this unique ability for just like empathy and
(38:47):
just to know what to do. And I think I've
learned a lot from him in terms of like what
it means to show up for someone in a relationship
when they're struggling through what he's done and through how
he's shown up for me. So firstly, let them talk
or let them be silent. Don't be too pushy for
answers because you think that them talking about something is
(39:08):
going to make it better for them. I think sometimes
we think that if we vocalize, like someone just needs
to vocalize how they're feeling and they'll feel better. Like that,
internalizing any problem means that we're suppressing it, we're not
dealing with it. That is not how everyone's minds work.
Sometimes we do need to be silent in order to process.
Sometimes that is the best way for us to work
(39:28):
through heavy emotions. So honestly, you see yourself as like
almost like a priest, almost like someone who's willing to
listen to, someone who's willing to give advice based on
what that person needs. Secondly, don't make them feel guilty
for things not in their control. They cannot Like if
you've had any experience with mental health, you will know
that you can try so hard to be something for
(39:52):
someone else. Can try so hard to show up for
plans that you just mentally cannot cannot do. You can
try so hard to get out of you can try
so hard to suppress that need for reassurance, and it's
not going to work. So as their partner, don't make
them feel bad when they're probably already feeling bad enough
(40:14):
for the ways that maybe their mental health is showing
up in your relationship in less than great ways. Thirdly,
this probably should have been number one. Educate yourself, and
you can educate yourself through speaking to them as well,
because you can educate yourself on their exact symptoms, on
their exact patterns of thinking, on how it shows up
(40:36):
for them. But it's very easy to use Google. You
can just have a little browse on like what it
is that this condition really means for someone, how it
shows up in their life, what someone might need, so
that you can also be able to have open conversations
with this person, with this person you love. Be patient.
(40:59):
Be patient. They're trying really hard, and I know you're
probably trying really hard too. Both of you are trying
really hard. Like that's a winning factor in a relationship.
But be patient. With them if they don't have all
the answers for why they're feeling a certain way right now,
they might not have the answers. Mental health is a
bit of a black box sometimes. Just let them take
(41:20):
some time to process things themselves, to talk to you
when they need to talk to you, and offer small
creature comforts, offer like a home cooked meal, offer for
you to offer to go out and get them the
groceries that they need to just quickly vacuum their room,
things that like might be really mentally draining for them
that you have the capacity to do. Speaking of capacity, though,
(41:43):
take care of yourself and know that it is okay
to walk away. You are not their care. But also
don't blindside them, and definitely don't give them ultimatums like
you need to get better or or like I'll start
coming over more once you start going to therapy every
day or once you start taking a medication like that
(42:06):
is not It might feel like you're loving someone through
tough love, but I think it just causes a relationship
to rip. It causes them to feel like they can't
be honest with you. When you love someone, it's very
easy to really want to show up for them and
almost like it's like that saying, like you can take
a horse to water, but you can't always make them drink.
You might feel like you're helping by because you know
(42:29):
what's best for them, because you're this outside person, and
sometimes you don't. You can gently encourage, but I think
they know themselves quite well at this point and they
know what they need and you don't need to be
their care I think when a relationship takes on that
kind of role, takes on that dynamic, that's when things
(42:53):
begin to fall apart. That's when we see codependency, that's
when we see a heavy emotional reliance. That's a we
see trauma bonding, and that's not really I think the
marker of a good long term relationship. You need to
be your own people together. So I hope that this
episode has been helpful. I understand that it might be rambling.
(43:15):
Even as I was recording, I was like, there was
so much to be said here, so much to pack
into like just this one episode. Honestly, there's there's so
much more research that needs to be done on this,
and there's so many more conversations that need to be
done on this as well. Like we always think of
mental health as like just deriving entirely from our choices
(43:38):
in a way, or it's biological, but there is so
much about our environment, including like the people were dating,
that people were romantically involved with, that whole social process
that holds everything to do with it, that does like
have a very deep emotional and psychological impact. So I
hope that you have learned something. I hope that this
(43:58):
is helpful. I hope that you can apply it to
your own life. And if there is someone who needs
to hear this episode, please feel free to share it
with them. As always, please feel free as well to
leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify wherever
you are listening, if you feel cool to do so.
It helps us show grow. Big shout out to Charlotte,
(44:20):
who left me the nicest review on Apple Podcasts. Charlotte,
thank you. If you're listening to this, it made me
super emotional. I read every single one of them. If
you have an episode suggestion, if you have a comment,
if you have a query, if you have thoughts, please
feel free to follow me at that Psychology podcast reach
out to me over there, and as always, we will
(44:41):
be back next week with another episode
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to this show.
(00:26):
Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, you know the deal. It
is so great to have you here. Back for another
episode as we, of course break down the psychology of
our twenties. Today, we're going to talk about something that
I think is on a lot of our radars in
some capacity. Two of the biggest and I would say
(00:48):
most noteworthy elements of our twenties are dating, figuring out
that whole side of things, and also our experiences with
navigating our mental health. I think that those two things
really define this period of life more significantly, more profoundly
(01:08):
than anything else. They are at the center of a
lot of the most life changing experiences and moments during
this chapter of our lives. I think a lot of
the biggest revelations we have about who we are and
who we want to become come from these two kind
of facets. They come from who we're dating, how we're dating,
our experiences with love and heartbreak and so many other facets,
(01:32):
and then also our experiences with coping and coping with
how our mind works and the ways that sometimes it
betrays us. I think whilst a lot of us are
out there looking for love, looking for connection, for inspiration,
for long term companionship, whatever it is that you're kind
of searching for on your dating life, this is also
(01:54):
the decade of quite a lot of mental struggle. And
I don't want to say suffering because I don't think
that's the right word, but healing maybe, and also deep
emotional work. I think there's no denying the evidence, the
research that eighteen to nine to twenty nine year olds
have the largest incidence rate of mental health symptoms, primarily
(02:17):
anxiety and depression, than any other age group. We see
it over and over again in studies all around the world,
young people, twenty something year olds, they're really doing it
tough when it comes to their mental health. And whilst
that is going on, we are also expected to make
that big transition into kind of what an adult should
(02:39):
look like, and we're meant to show people that we're
growing up, that we're progressing, that they don't need to
worry about us. You know, we're hitting the adult milestones.
Part of that is dating, is having a relationship, is
meeting people. And what I don't think anybody is talking
about is how mental health and dating really interact that
(03:00):
relationship really needs to be explored in both directions, because
dating is, honestly, it's such a vulnerable experience. It's so intimate.
You're basically sitting in front of a person and saying,
please like me for who I am, maybe there's a
future here, please accept me. But also, you know, it's
okay if you don't like I don't want to get
(03:21):
too close to you. It's this whole I think kind
of mental maze and our mental health is going to
impact how we date, how we go about meeting you people,
how those experiences will affect us, and dating will also
simultaneously impact our mental health. The rejection, the heartbreak, the
(03:43):
ups and downs. That really does something to our groping skills,
to our mood, our confidence, our overall sense of emotional stability,
and I think that's really important to recognize. I also
think part of the conversation around dating and mental health
has to do with the partners of people with mental
health struggles and what is it that they need to
(04:05):
understand that maybe isn't communicated. You know, the things that
people need from a relationship is you know, it's going
to differ. It's going to differ based on things like
preferences and attachment styles and past relationships, all of those things,
but also based on where we are at mentally. If
you are anxious, you might require, you know, more reassurance
(04:25):
from your partner. If you're prone to depressive episodes, you
might self isolate, you might push people away. And it
doesn't mean that you don't care about them, that you
don't want connection, that you are not deserving of connection.
I just think that it is something that is part
of kind of like not to sound cheesy, but our journey,
and it's part of how we find people who accept
(04:46):
us for who we truly are. So I want to
talk about it today. I want to talk about every
side of this connection, how everything interacts in this way,
and I think, more importantly, how we can have both,
how we can dates successfully without letting it harm our
most precious resource, which is our mental health. How do
(05:07):
we put up boundaries, how do we have hard conversations
with the people we're seeing around what we need. How
do we approach the things that maybe we want to
hide from, How do we stop trauma bonding with people,
letting people take advantage of us. How do we kind
of cope with dealing with simultaneously the crazy world of
dating whilst also taking care of ourselves and taking care
(05:29):
of our mental health. So we're going to talk about
all of it, all the research, all the psychology, all
this science, and so much more. So let's get into it.
I want to start off by talking about how our
mental health impacts how we date, how it changes the
(05:50):
way that we date, our behavioral patterns, our attitudes towards dating.
I think mental health is not a one size fits
all kind of concept. We can't just slap a label
on everyone who could possibly have a diagnosis that falls
into the DSM and call it mental health. I think
different conditions are going to have a different impact when
(06:14):
it comes to dating, and the main ones I really
want to look at are really depression and anxiety. I
think those have the highest prevalence, but there's also a
lot to be said about the interactions between like ADHD
and BPD in dating. One of the biggest things that
underpins all conditions, all mental health conditions is though, I
think the experience of stigma that really persists to this day.
(06:38):
We know that stigma shows up in the world, and
if it shows up in the world, it's going to
show up in the people that we will meet, maybe
the people we will date, it will show up in
the people we talk to as unfortunate and sad as
that is, and not everyone has the dialogue that perhaps
we're having to understand that really it's not a reflection
of who someone is. It doesn't say anything about their worth.
(07:00):
So I think that's one of the primary things we
have to navigate. How do we have those open conversations
around mental health with people that we're dating. When do
we tell people, do we tell people, what do we say?
How do we respond when someone doesn't have a good
response and they let us down when they kind of
reveal a part of themselves that isn't willing to accept this,
(07:22):
especially if it's someone that you're getting serious with. I
want to touch on that just a little bit later on. Firstly,
let's kind of break down what it is about conditions
that may make dating different for different people who have
some kind of experience with mental health. Depression is what's
about to say. Depression is a good place to start.
But I know that sounds so terrible, but let's start there.
(07:45):
Let's start there. Depression, I think, I know, makes it
hard to do anything. It is one of the primary
underlying facts about this condition. It makes it hard for
you to be excited about anything in life, you know,
let alone a random stranger you've met on a dating app,
let alone the possibility of having to meet new people
(08:07):
and tell them your favorite color and let them get
to know you. I think depression also causes us to
self isolate at times. It means that we have less
energy occasionally to put energy into the early stages of dating,
into going on dates, into putting ourselves out there. It's
really hard, I think, and important to acknowledge that it's
(08:30):
going to be different if you're someone who has these
episodes of just not feeling like the world is a
great place, and maybe your response to that is to
go silent, is to self isolate. During those episodes, I
do feel like it's like everything stops, and that can
be hard for the people that we're dating to understand.
(08:52):
We might end up accidentally ghosting someone. Maybe icing them out,
and sometimes people don't understand that, and that's not something
that we can read deem ourselves from, or we like
go of good connections because we honestly just don't have
the mental bandwidth to maintain them. I think also depression
has this awful habit of making us feel like we
(09:16):
are not good people because we're not showing up in
the way that people expect us to. Let me talk
about that a little bit more. I think like when
we imagine dating, especially in our twenties, it is this
image of like fun and excitement and like ecstasy and
like everything is new and amazing, We're having the best
(09:36):
experiences and we're meeting people. But sometimes you just don't
feel like a fun person. You just don't feel like
you have the space to hold those experiences. And that
can make us feel like because we're not having the
same experiences that everyone else is, because we are struggling
with something deeper, that we are the problem. We turn
(09:58):
to a point of a lot of self shame. And
one of the real big kind of negative self talk
points that I see we tell ourselves. One of the
things we often say is like I'm lucky that this
person even likes me because of what I'm going through,
They're going to get bored of me because I'm not
as fun because I have this part of me that
(10:18):
maybe is harder to accept. And I think that that
makes it really hard to be vulnerable and to put
ourselves out there, because when we are letting someone see
us for who we truly are, those dark sides included,
sometimes it's hard to believe that someone will love us
for that. That's one element of it, I think, one
of the elements behind why it's hard to put yourself
(10:39):
out there. But another I think unintended impact or experience
that I think is something that a lot of people
who are struggling with mental health have is they need
to overshare in order to justify our behavior or our experience,
almost like we need to warn people of what they
can expect. And I think that that can lead us
(11:00):
to maybe being too vulnerable too soon. And I want
to clarify what that means, because I'm not saying that
if you struggle with depression or anxiety, like that's a
secret that you need to keep to yourself. No, I
think that you should be really open about it. But
I think it's also a natural tendency for us to
want to create closeness with someone, and that can cause
(11:21):
us to tell them perhaps elements of our experience, elements
of our journey that we're revealing too soon, and it's
causing us to become attached too quickly, almost because like
I said, we feel like this person needs to be prepared,
like we are this like this thing that like if
we don't tell them now, they'll they'll be like surprised,
they'll think we tricked them into falling in love. Like
(11:43):
it's just I think a real negative mental spiral. Like
I said, it's not to say that you shouldn't be vulnerable,
but I think something that we need to be aware
of if you are someone who is dating with mental health,
is perhaps our tendency to fantasy bond with someone or
to become reliant on them. Once you have overshared or
(12:04):
shared this big honest thing about yourself, you suddenly feel
like they could be your savior, that they could make
your mental health better, they can fix you. And I've
had that experience and it's not anything to feel any
shame around, because that's really what we all want, right,
Like we want someone to sit across from us, for
(12:25):
us to tell them and show them who we are,
and for them to say, I'll take all of it,
I'll love you anyway, And we get to that point
through sharing and through vulnerability and raw conversation. But I
also think that we put love on a pedestal, and
when everything else in your life might not be working out,
when you're kind of like got this black cloud over
your head, sometimes we expect more from love and from
(12:48):
the people who provide it than we should. We think
that they're going to be the antidote to everything going
on in our mind, and we create false expectations. The
biggest reason why I'm kind of raising this yes, and
why I think it's an important part of the conversation
around dating and mental health. It's very easy to get
carried away by the idea of someone fixing you, and
(13:11):
for that to result in you kind of giving up
all your other coping skills and giving up the things
that actually keep you healthy, and then maybe having them leave,
having them walk away, and watching your mental health plummet
like it never has before. When we become overreliant on
someone before they prove to us that they are deserving
(13:32):
of that trust and of that honesty, and of that vulnerability,
suddenly we are left without the coping skills that we
really need. I think what's worse is when people almost
fetishize your mental health condition or your struggles, like the
fact that you are quote unquote like tortured. I see
that word all the time, and like books where a
character has passed trauma or has a mental health condition,
(13:57):
like there's suddenly this like poetic, when in fact they're
not like a piece of art. They're not like your
manic pixie dream girl. They're just a person. They're just
a person. This is part of their story. And I
think when we romanticize or let people romanticize our experiences,
they begin to see us as that rather than as
(14:19):
someone who is so much more than perhaps a label
that has been put on us. One example of this
that I'm really specifically thinking about is attracting people who
have a savior complex. So in psychology, the savior complex
refers to a person an individual that has a strong
(14:40):
tendency to seek out others who need help and who
are looking for a savior. They're looking for someone to
assist them, maybe because they are in a bad place.
It doesn't make that person a bad person. It's not
always malicious, but sometimes people date other people for self
serving reasons because it makes them feel good to be
(15:01):
the helper, to be this great person. And when we
examine that deeper, these people really benefit from you needing them.
They have an ulterior motive to keep you stuck in
a dark place. And it's not always conscious. But if
your relationship has been founded on firstly that like intense
bonding over experiences, but then also you're you know that
(15:24):
you needing this person, it's very hard to learn other
ways to cope and to manage because it means that
you might need them less and they might therefore need
you less as well, because you no longer fit this
like image of this like interesting, tortured individual. It's why
I think sometimes we see a lot of codependency in
(15:45):
relationships between people who are struggling and people who are not.
It's important to remember that, although it's a hard truth,
no one else is responsible for your mental health. That
is all up to you, sadly, and it's very hard.
But also you are not your mental health condition. You're
(16:05):
more than that. You deserve someone who loves you mental
health and or not in spite of it, definitely not,
but also it doesn't need to be glamorized. There is
a lot that we can romanticize in our lives, but
I don't think that poor mental health is one of them,
and we certainly don't want someone else to be doing
it for us. So I think that is something to
be aware of, not just for people with depression, but
(16:27):
all conditions. How mental health can cause us to attach
very quickly to people, to become reliant on them, to
see them as a savior, to see love is something
that will fix our problems. That also applies to conditions
like anxiety as well, which is probably a great segue
into talking about it. Anxiety, I think is more than
(16:49):
just being stressed or worried from time to time. It
can bring a constant sense of doom, of irritability, of restlessness,
and so many are hypervigilance, the whole the whole list,
and I think the most common types of anxiety that
we really see a generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, panic disorder.
(17:10):
Let's focus on social anxiety just for a second here.
I think the relationship and why social anxiety might make
it harder to date is maybe obvious, but still worth examining. Obviously,
it brings a certain shyness and introversion because what you're
anxious about is not general things, is not the future,
although that might still be something you think about. It's
(17:32):
how other people perceive you. It's how other people. The
acknowledgment that other people have an opinion of you that
you might not be able to control, and that their
opinion matters, and that kind of acknowledgement that experience can
cause us to be quite closed off to the possibility
of dating and meeting new people. And it might feel like,
(17:55):
whilst everyone else is having these experiences, you're kind of
held back because it's not that you can't do it,
but it's just harder for you to put yourself in
those novel situations with people that you don't know. I
hear a lot of people be like, oh, just go
on dates, you know, just put yourself out there, not
realizing how much more complicated and difficult that is. When
(18:18):
your brain is going a million miles an hour every
waking moment and you have this like intense perception of
everything that could go wrong, you feel a people's opinions
more deeply. You're more hyper vigilant to perceive social threats.
And I think one of the foundational parts of dating
that that doesn't quite mesh well with is that part
(18:39):
of dating is you want people to like you. But
often we become too focused on that such that we
can't enjoy the moment, We can't enjoy the process. We
think that we should be more like this person, or
make ourselves more like this version of us in order
to get this person's approval and to avoid the social
rejection that we fear. How this shows up as something
(19:00):
that I like to call an anxiety spiral, particularly before
things like first dates or even like second third dates.
You know, should I wear this? What will they think
if I wear that? What will they think about if
I answer this question this way? What will they think
if I double text them? Like so many different fears
that we have around what this person is thinking. It
can cause us to feel really overwhelmed to say things
(19:23):
we don't mean, to cancel dates last minute, to leave early,
especially like for those of us with a panic disorder,
it's a fear around what will happen if I have
a panic attack during the date? How embarrassing like? And
it's that fear spiral, It's that catastrophizing, that future telling,
that predicting that can lead to avoidance. The easiest way
(19:44):
to not feel fear is to not put yourself in
those situations. Right, So, whilst one person might not think
twice about walking into a blind date with someone they
don't know, for someone else, it takes a lot more
mental preparation, and sometimes it's easier to just not have
those experiences because they are so stressful and so overwhelming.
(20:04):
And it's not that you don't want love. It's not
that you are like not putting yourself out there. It's
not that you don't want to put yourself out there.
It's so much more complicated, and I think sometimes that's
something that people just can't say. I also want to
talk about the impact of swipe based dating apps like Hinge, Tinder, Bumble,
and how they've been shown to impact our mental health
(20:26):
in this century, not even in this century, in the
last like five to ten years. So there is one
pretty amazing paper on this. It's actually one of the
only pieces of research actually on this topic, and it
was published in twenty twenty, and it really takes a
deep dive into how dating apps have changed, not just
how we date but the subsequent mental health impacts that
(20:49):
come with constantly being able to scroll thousands of profiles
and have your attractiveness and perceive desirability validated or dismissedes
at all hours of the day. Yes, I think dating
apps have expanded our options. If we're talking about anxiety,
you know, it's really great for people with social anxiety.
(21:11):
At times. It means that they have more time to
talk to someone online. You know, it's more accessible, but
it's also a lot more stress inducing. This study, the
one I was just speaking about, it showed that people
who are using dating apps do report higher levels of depression,
higher levels of anxiety, higher levels of comparison of distress
(21:32):
compared to those who don't use these applications. And that's
probably for a few reasons. Firstly, if you're not having
the success that you want, that can be incredibly demoralizing,
incredibly painful. But additionally, when your emotional resources and ability
to cope as already being taxed by mental health concerns,
(21:55):
it means that you're a lot more sensitive to these
perceived rejects. And that is the second component of why
I think dating apps in particular are hard for people
who have anxiety or any type of mental health condition.
Because of what we call rejection sensitivity, dating involves a
(22:15):
lot more nose than it does. Yes's, some people, especially
those with anxiety or ADHD or BPD, experience a more
severe reaction and emotional pain to being rejected than others.
So they looked into this back in twenty twenty one
and they confirmed that link, and what they coined was
this term called dating anxiety. And what that really comes
(22:39):
to tell us is that there are certain people who
their anxiety is so specific that it it comes to
revolve around this very experience of dating, of having to
meet people new people who could potentially, you know, be
the love of your life, but also is more likely
than not going to not be a great experience. Is
(23:03):
you know, as hard as that is, like I said,
like dating is basically like a constant rejection exercise for
a lot of people. And if your rejection sensitivity is heightened,
it's going to mean that every time these these things happen,
every time you're ghosted, every time someone doesn't match with you,
every time someone doesn't reply to you, it's going to
(23:24):
mean that those things you feel them a lot more deeply.
It makes it harder to bounce back, and it makes
you look for other conclusions to that person's perceived rejection.
It makes you look into what is wrong with you.
Anxious people are not only I think, the biggest overthinkers
out there, but also some of the most intelligent people
(23:45):
in the world, because their brains are constantly looking for
answers to every problem, even problems that haven't happened yet,
even problems that have nothing to do with them that
they will never find an answer for. Someone hasn't messaged
you back on dating app There are a million different
conclusions someone hasn't asked you on a second date. There
are also a million different answers as to why, but
(24:09):
we cannot move forward without finding out why. And normally,
when we don't have the answers from the other person,
we look internally. We become very creative about our responses
and we internalize that there must be something wrong with
us if this person didn't like us enough to take
it to the next level, to keep seeing us, to
(24:30):
message us back, and that reduces our self confidence, reduces
our self esteem. It can really lead to an anxiety spiral,
but also exacerbate things like our abandonment issues or an
anxious or avoidant attachment style. Your threshold for what might
be triggering you is, naturally, if you're someone with anxiety,
(24:53):
a lot lower, meaning that it's more sensitive, meaning that
things that other people might ignore, things other people might dismiss,
might see is just kind of like part of the game,
impact you a lot more and also cause us to
question our value, our value, our judgment, and kind of
what we have to offer. That is why if you
(25:16):
are someone who struggles with their mental health and is
also dating, you are going to have to set stronger
boundaries than people who don't have those experiences. And there's
a few reasons why bad dating experiences. Overlooking potential red flags,
bad people, they can worsen our mental health in very,
(25:38):
very severe and serious ways. There is medical evidence to
support that bad dates, bad relationships, bad situationships, They can
cause stress. They can damage your immune system, mainly because
those situations increase our cortisol. They put us in a
stress state that if it isn't resolved, puts so much
additional pressure on our body that it takes up all
(26:01):
of our resources, all of the resources that we need
to cope in other areas of our life. Our mental
energy is a finite resource. So when one experience when
one aspect of our life is requiring a lot from us,
like a string of bad dates or a bunch of
messages left on red, or a person who doesn't reply,
or who treats you badly, or who just like keeps
(26:22):
you know, she keeps dragging you along, leading you on.
Those are so mentally taxing that they take resources that
we need to devote to other things. They can also
present as a trigger. Even healthy love can be a
trigger because, as I said before, love leaves us incredibly vulnerable.
It just demands that you be more open, more open
(26:43):
to connection, yes, but also more open to pain, to heartbreak,
to being hurt. It is mentally demanding, it's emotionally quite perilous,
and when things go wrong, your mental health will be
in And that's not to scare you. It's just to
make sure that you're aware that you need to be
(27:04):
more conscious of what you should be demanding for yourself,
who you are letting in. You know. I have a
story about this about someone I dated, are going It
was like my first boyfriend, and I did everything that
you weren't meant to do. I I'm going to take
accountability here, Like I trauma bonded with this person. I
became reliant on him whilst also ignoring all the signs
(27:25):
that he had a savior complex. I abandoned my tried
and tested self care habits and the important parts of
my routine that were keeping me happy and stable and
in a good place. And then he broke up with me,
and that pushed me to such a low point. It
completely disrupted what I felt was normal. It created emotional
and balance, and it resulted in like a pretty massive
depressive episode that was like three months long. And I think,
(27:48):
obviously that's a very serious case, but it happens a
lot with things that are less serious. Like you just
have to realize that your sensitivity and your threshold might
be lower than other people because you are you do
have such a big cart, because you do have so
many other things going on that small things that other
people can dismiss might hurt you and injure your sense
(28:09):
of worth your self esteem more than others. And I
want you to ask yourself, you know, is a short
attachment or a fling or a burst of romance with
someone who might not be treating you well, who might
not want what you want? Is it worth jeopardizing your
mental health? That is one of the most important resources
that you have. You cannot, I guess I get it
(28:30):
back like it's so hard to rebuild. It is precious
and it is delicate. So when you are dating people,
really ask yourself, is this person proving to me that
they are safe? Is it going to cost me my
mental health to be with them? I think the answer
to that question isn't always clear, But I want to
provide some tips on how to I don't want to
(28:50):
say keep yourself safe because that is slightly dramatic, but
more so how to date with your mental health and
emotional well being as a priority, and also some advice
for people who dating partners who struggle with their mental health.
How can you show up as a really good person
in this person's life. How can you help them without
being overbearing, without becoming that kind of savior character that
(29:11):
we were speaking about. So all of that are more
after this short break. We face a lot of misconceptions
when we date, as people myself included, who have had
ups and dams with our mental health. And one of
the biggest misconceptions I hear is that because you are
(29:31):
depressed because you are anxious, because you need more reassurance,
because you could tastrophize, because you need more rest. Whatever
it is that you are somehow less deserving of love,
that it is harder in some way for people to
love you. There is not a tiny, tiny part of
that that is true, not at all. And I think
when we I don't want to say, let ourselves believe it,
(29:54):
but when we take that as a truth, when we
hear that, too often we settle for lefs yes, because
we begin to think, well, if I'm hard to love,
I should take what I am given and I should
be happy with it because it's better than nothing. And
that is the absolute worst mindset that we can have
when it comes to like looking for love. You are
(30:14):
deserving of just so much, so much, if not more.
You're so incredibly open hearted and sensitive and empathetic. You
see the world differently like that is amazing, and I
think we need to ensure that we are open to
the love that we deserve whilst also really taking care
of ourselves. So here are some of my tips. Number one,
(30:36):
don't feel like you need to give people a reason
if you're a little off, especially in the early stages
of dating, you don't need to be explicit or over
explain yourself. If you need to cancel a date because
you're having an episode or because you're just really anxious,
just say, you know, you don't have to give them
the exact reason. Sometimes I think honesty is not the
(30:57):
best policy, And we're not doing this from a place
of like what if I scare them off? Like absolutely not.
It's more that we want to protect ourselves from feeling
closer to this person than we need to before they've
proved to us that they deserve to feel close to us.
Hopefully that makes sense. But I think if we like
immediately are like, sorry, I need to cancel the date,
(31:19):
like I'm super depressed because you know, my pet just died,
and oh I've had you know, ongoing depression for three
years and blah blah. Like obviously, like eventually, if this
person like works out, you can tell them all those things.
You should tell them all those things. But in the
early stages, I do think, as we spoke about in
the first half of this episode, you don't want to
(31:40):
become like, feel like you're relying on this person, or
feel like because you've shared something with them that suddenly
the relationship is more important than it actually is. So
don't feel like you need that they need to know
everything about you up front. I think that prevents trauma bonding,
and it allows you to kind of create some some distance,
some healthy disc so that you continue to ensure that
(32:02):
you are coping without looking to them to be your savior,
looking to them to be your distraction. Some ways that
we can do that obviously, like you don't need to
be explicit if things are happening, especially not if it's
like before a first date or like even I would say,
in the first three dates. And also create space between
your dates as well, so that you don't feel like
(32:23):
I think this doesn't even just relate to people with
mental health concerns, but everyone. Like sometimes when you spend
like three days in a row with someone, like you're
automatically going to see them as like a more important
part of your life than someone that you went on
three dates with, like over the span of three weeks.
So try and like give yourself time, give yourself space
(32:44):
to actually get to know someone. Try not to date
as a distraction from your mental health, from taking care
of yourself or at the expense of your mental health.
If you know that you are going through a really
hard time and that maybe one of your tendencies is
to self sabotage, is to self destruct, and the way
(33:05):
you do that is through dating. You know that about yourself.
You know that, So try not to use other people,
to use the allure of love as a solution, as
a distraction, as kind of like a tool that isn't dependable,
do you know what I mean? Like mental health is
(33:26):
so delicate, but also I think after a period of time,
you kind of understand what works for you. Is that
taking your medication on time, Is that making sure that
you have a loone time and time to reset. Is
it making sure that you're doing enough exercise, that you're
going to therapy. And if there is a relationship that
is getting in the way of you doing those things,
(33:48):
those things that you know are independently really good for you.
Because you are using this person as a distraction because
they seem to be offering you this like huge, big,
glowing life change antidote that is love. Take a step back. Also,
don't be afraid to say that doesn't work for me.
(34:08):
Like if you have things that you need to do
to protect your mental health. You don't owe this person anything, right, Like,
the most important person in your life is you, and
taking care of you should always be priority. Don't worry
about upsetting them, don't worry about letting them down. That
is a people pleasing habit that is obviously more common
(34:30):
amongst people who are anxious or amongst people who have
some kind of trauma to do with dating. You're allowed
to say, no, that doesn't work for me. You're allowed
to say you're allowed to put up boundaries, and you're
allowed to like continue to prioritize yourself even if this
other person might be bothered by it, even if they
might be upset, even if it doesn't work for them.
(34:51):
If you are also an anxious person when dating, get
off the apps or limit your notifications. I did this
a lot because I would get like these phantom buzzers.
I'm such an anxious data right, because I am an
anxious person that immediately after I'd match with something, everything
match with someone, like, everything would just feel more heightened.
(35:13):
There was so much expectation because I was always overthinking everything,
and I was always like looking to predict the future,
and so I found that like I would always be
checking my phone. I was always like overly worried about
when this person was going to get back to me,
like what they'd said if they'd match with me. Turn
off your notifications and only check them twice a day,
(35:34):
once a day. I don't know whether set like a
time period that feels reasonable for you and stick to
it so that you don't feel like this thing, this
app this like weird holy grail of like potential dates
has control over your emotional reactions and has control over
your mood. If whether or not someone matched with you
(35:55):
that day, or whether or not this man replied to
you or this woman or this person replied to you
is impacting your mood, that is a really good point
time to be like, I'm going to set a boundary here.
This is not healthy, This is not serving me, This
is not good for my health, and my health is
I'm about to be like health as wealth, very cheesy,
very doctor Seuss vibes. But it really is, It really is,
(36:17):
And I think it's worth it to take a step back,
even if you get less of the validation, even if
you feel like you're actively dating and pursuing love, in
order to really like rest and sit in what you
need if you are dating after trauma or a hard experience.
I also say, like go on dates at a low pressure,
go on dates at are low efforts, so you don't
(36:38):
get too invested at the start. Ask more questions of
them than them of you, to really test their emotional intelligence.
I like, have a few questions here that I ask
that I did ask that really like allowed me to
see whether this person is going to be accepting of
me and everything that that brought. One of the best
(36:59):
ones is to ask them the last time they cried.
I know it sounds like so silly, but how someone
responds to that question honestly actually tells you a lot
about how they'll be, not just in a relationship, but
kind of how they see emotional reactions in general, how
they treat their own emotions. And maybe I should have
(37:22):
said this tip earlier, but I think it kind of
was obvious, Like sometimes you just need to stop dating,
like if sometimes it's just not worth it. It's just
there are a lot of reasons why it's harder sometimes
obviously the rejection sensitivity, the self worth, that need to
self isolate, the depressive episodes, Like sometimes it's just it's
(37:43):
too hard and it's okay to just be like, yeah,
I'm not dating at the moment, it might seem like
everyone else is doing it. You don't need to be everyone,
you know need to be like putting yourself through an
emotional rollercoaster with the promise that maybe you'll meet someone,
because maybe you will meet someone, but maybe they will
hurt you more than you're prepared to be hurt at
the moment, more than you like are able to be
(38:05):
heard at the moment, you know, more than you can take.
I think that's an important thing to think about. All right,
So those are some of my tips. Take them or
leave them. Please. If you have others, tell me I'll
share them. I'll share them over on my Instagram. But
I want to also just quickly talk about a quick
like rapid fire list for people who might be listening
(38:26):
to this episode seeking information about someone they're dating who
is struggling with depression, who is struggling with anxiety, who
is struggling with a mental health condition, coming from someone
who I'm dating, someone who is amazing at this, who
is just like, I don't know where he got this
unique ability, this unique ability for just like empathy and
(38:47):
just to know what to do. And I think I've
learned a lot from him in terms of like what
it means to show up for someone in a relationship
when they're struggling through what he's done and through how
he's shown up for me. So firstly, let them talk
or let them be silent. Don't be too pushy for
answers because you think that them talking about something is
(39:08):
going to make it better for them. I think sometimes
we think that if we vocalize, like someone just needs
to vocalize how they're feeling and they'll feel better. Like that,
internalizing any problem means that we're suppressing it, we're not
dealing with it. That is not how everyone's minds work.
Sometimes we do need to be silent in order to process.
Sometimes that is the best way for us to work
(39:28):
through heavy emotions. So honestly, you see yourself as like
almost like a priest, almost like someone who's willing to
listen to, someone who's willing to give advice based on
what that person needs. Secondly, don't make them feel guilty
for things not in their control. They cannot Like if
you've had any experience with mental health, you will know
that you can try so hard to be something for
(39:52):
someone else. Can try so hard to show up for
plans that you just mentally cannot cannot do. You can
try so hard to get out of you can try
so hard to suppress that need for reassurance, and it's
not going to work. So as their partner, don't make
them feel bad when they're probably already feeling bad enough
(40:14):
for the ways that maybe their mental health is showing
up in your relationship in less than great ways. Thirdly,
this probably should have been number one. Educate yourself, and
you can educate yourself through speaking to them as well,
because you can educate yourself on their exact symptoms, on
their exact patterns of thinking, on how it shows up
(40:36):
for them. But it's very easy to use Google. You
can just have a little browse on like what it
is that this condition really means for someone, how it
shows up in their life, what someone might need, so
that you can also be able to have open conversations
with this person, with this person you love. Be patient.
(40:59):
Be patient. They're trying really hard, and I know you're
probably trying really hard too. Both of you are trying
really hard. Like that's a winning factor in a relationship.
But be patient. With them if they don't have all
the answers for why they're feeling a certain way right now,
they might not have the answers. Mental health is a
bit of a black box sometimes. Just let them take
(41:20):
some time to process things themselves, to talk to you
when they need to talk to you, and offer small
creature comforts, offer like a home cooked meal, offer for
you to offer to go out and get them the
groceries that they need to just quickly vacuum their room,
things that like might be really mentally draining for them
that you have the capacity to do. Speaking of capacity, though,
(41:43):
take care of yourself and know that it is okay
to walk away. You are not their care. But also
don't blindside them, and definitely don't give them ultimatums like
you need to get better or or like I'll start
coming over more once you start going to therapy every
day or once you start taking a medication like that
(42:06):
is not It might feel like you're loving someone through
tough love, but I think it just causes a relationship
to rip. It causes them to feel like they can't
be honest with you. When you love someone, it's very
easy to really want to show up for them and
almost like it's like that saying, like you can take
a horse to water, but you can't always make them drink.
You might feel like you're helping by because you know
(42:29):
what's best for them, because you're this outside person, and
sometimes you don't. You can gently encourage, but I think
they know themselves quite well at this point and they
know what they need and you don't need to be
their care I think when a relationship takes on that
kind of role, takes on that dynamic, that's when things
(42:53):
begin to fall apart. That's when we see codependency, that's
when we see a heavy emotional reliance. That's a we
see trauma bonding, and that's not really I think the
marker of a good long term relationship. You need to
be your own people together. So I hope that this
episode has been helpful. I understand that it might be rambling.
(43:15):
Even as I was recording, I was like, there was
so much to be said here, so much to pack
into like just this one episode. Honestly, there's there's so
much more research that needs to be done on this,
and there's so many more conversations that need to be
done on this as well. Like we always think of
mental health as like just deriving entirely from our choices
(43:38):
in a way, or it's biological, but there is so
much about our environment, including like the people were dating,
that people were romantically involved with, that whole social process
that holds everything to do with it, that does like
have a very deep emotional and psychological impact. So I
hope that you have learned something. I hope that this
(43:58):
is helpful. I hope that you can apply it to
your own life. And if there is someone who needs
to hear this episode, please feel free to share it
with them. As always, please feel free as well to
leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify wherever
you are listening, if you feel cool to do so.
It helps us show grow. Big shout out to Charlotte,
(44:20):
who left me the nicest review on Apple Podcasts. Charlotte,
thank you. If you're listening to this, it made me
super emotional. I read every single one of them. If
you have an episode suggestion, if you have a comment,
if you have a query, if you have thoughts, please
feel free to follow me at that Psychology podcast reach
out to me over there, and as always, we will
(44:41):
be back next week with another episode
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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