February 1, 2024 • 36 mins
Sometimes we become more attached to the idea of someone and their potential, than the reality of who they actually are. We begin to project our wants and desires on to them and ignore the red flags, the disappointments, the truth. This is what we call fantasy bonding and it prevents us from seeing someone for who they truly are, causes us to be lead along and invest in the wrong people. In this episode, we break down the psychology of fantasy bonding, including:
- The origins of fantasy bonding in childhood
- How a fantasy bond emerges
- Relationship intensity and attachment
- Why our fear of loneliness drives us into the wrong relationships
- The idealisation of our partners
- What happens when the fantasy fades
- How to avoid a fantasy bond
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:27):
Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, it is so great to
have you here. Back for another episode as we break
down the Psychology of our twenties. Today, we're going to
look into We're going to explore, I think one of
the most important concepts when it comes to building healthy,
(00:49):
realistic relationships in our twenties, whether that's when we are dating,
when we are building new friendships, or even as we
begin to see our parents as real people and kind
of navigating that new relationship. What we're talking about is
fantasy bonding. Fantasy bonding is one of those concepts taken
(01:09):
from psychology that I've definitely seen gaining a lot of
popularity and colloquial usage in online spaces, and it often
is used to kind of refer to the bonds we
create with potential partners or love interests in a very
kind of like misconstrued sense. Often we think that fantasy
bonding is just this idea of like having a fantasy
(01:32):
about someone and therefore bonding with them over it, which
is in some ways true, but I think it ignores
a lot of the really important psychological origins that are
not understood, and that is such a shame because once
we really understand the nature of fantasy bonding, I think
so much about our lives begins to make so much
(01:53):
more sense. We can gain a whole new understanding of
how we approach relationships, why why that is, and we
begin to be able to identify the kind of invisible
string or pattern that ties a lot of our relationships together,
and that is that a lot of the time we
are a lot more attached to our idea of someone
(02:16):
or we are of their potential then the reality of
who they actually are. Our relationships become defined a lot
more by our perceptions, by wishful thinking, sometimes even willful ignorance,
than who this person and what this relationship truly could be.
So let's talk about it. First off, I really want
(02:36):
to start by giving you a bit of history behind
where this term originated, because although it's usually used to
refer to dating and instances of dating, it starts a
lot earlier than that. So fantasy bonding was a term
created by doctor Robert Firestone in his book literally titled
The Fantasy Bond, and it was published quite a while
(03:00):
almost forty years ago in nineteen eighty five, and he
used it to describe primarily the connection we typically form
with our parents and how we all have essentially this
emotional hunger and need to see our parents or our
caregivers as utterly perfect and endlessly able to provide us
(03:23):
with all of our needs, all of the love, comfort
resources that we need, but also the security that we crave,
even when sometimes they aren't able to do that. So therefore,
based on this bond, based on this fantasy that we
have of our parents, we end up idealizing them in
order to trust them through everything. So essentially, a fantasy
(03:46):
bond in this form is what we would call a
primitive defense mechanism, and we, like I said, develop it
in early childhood as a way of maintaining an illusion
of safety and security that is tied to our parents
even when we are experiencing a lot of hurt or terror.
It lets us see our parents as our savior in
(04:08):
an attempt to kind of cope with emotional pain. When
we are as children really terrified or scared or hurt,
we have this kind of vision of our parents as
being able to fix that for us. We have this
version of our parents in our imagination who are and
we see them as these all powerful, all healing, kind
(04:30):
of godlike people, and a lot of our relationship with
them in the early years of our lives incorporates that
fantasy bond. So if you think about it, if we
were from a very young age to see our parents
the way that we see them now in our twenties
as kind of real humans, as flawed people as everyone is.
(04:50):
If we were to see them that way as a children,
that would as children, that would have made us feel
a lot less safe about the world, especially at times
when we were really vulnerable. So it's only as we
get older that we really begin to realize that our
parents can't stop us from feeling pain, they can't cure
all our illnesses, they can't stop terrible things from happening,
(05:13):
and that, in fact, they may at times be just
as scared as us. So this fantasy bond serves a
purpose in our early childhood. It also can sometimes protect
us from remembering the times that our parents weren't the
best parents, the times that they screwed up, or they
(05:33):
hurt us, or they did the wrong thing, Because as children,
we really have no one else to rely on but
these caregivers, and yet we are so fragile, and so
if there was to be something that would cause us
to not see our parents as being able to help
us and being these like very powerful creatures, we really
wouldn't have any sense of security in the world. Most
(05:55):
people grow out of the fantasy bond that they have
with their parents, it becomes more realistic for those that don't.
We have people who will continue to idealize their parents
and family, seeing it through rose colored lenses. Maybe you
have encountered people who are like, oh, you know, there
was always something wrong with me as a kid. My
parents were great, Like I was a bad kid. They
(06:17):
did whatever they could. They're like my hero, They're amazing.
I think that some of those, like appraisals, are good
things to have, like respecting your parents, loving your parents,
appreciating them totally normal, and sometimes there is nothing wrong
with our childhoods that would cause us to not believe that.
But I think this more refers to people who have
(06:37):
had this fantasy bond to the point, this fantasy bond
to the point where it's kind of created an unbalanced relationship.
For example, maybe they bring a new family member in,
they start dating someone they've talked about how their family
is like amazing, that parents could do anything, and then
like the new girlfriend, the new boyfriend, the new partner
comes in and is like, whoa, Like, there's a lot
(06:59):
going on here this My partner is definitely like, has
this idea of their parents that is not real. The
other thing that a fantasy bond does is that once
we have kind of learned that we can dissociate from
the reality of who someone is and create a version
of them that is useful for us, we can begin
to replicate that bond in our adult relationships, primarily in
(07:22):
our romantic lives. And that is what I really want
to talk about today. This is when we get the
fantasy bond that we most often talk about when it
comes to dating. A fantasy bond situation can be something
that any of us finds ourselves in because it is
basically like relying on a very human trait, which is
(07:45):
our imagination. And what it does is it describes an
illusion of connection between two people that is based on
an idea of the love or the connection that you
share rather than the truth. It is essentially a partial delusion.
It can be based on someone's potential, a potential that
(08:07):
they might not be ready or are incapable of fulfilling,
but you hold onto the possibility because of what it
could mean for you if they were to change, if
they could be the fantasy. Essentially, it's having one version
of this person in your mind and this other version
of them. There's real not aligning, but we're unable to
(08:29):
see that gap, that conflict between the fantasy and the reality.
We all want to feel close to someone. We want intimacy,
we want security, we want love, we want a relationship,
and sometimes that can cause us to ignore a lack
of genuine interest or compatibility, or signs that this person
(08:50):
is actually not right for us. They actually don't give
us what we need. But by indulging in the fantasy
of who this is that we have created for ourselves,
the relationship can still be sustained and provide us things
that we want in other areas. Another reason this might
develop is when we place unrealistic expectations on someone and
(09:12):
we imagine that they can somehow solve all our problems.
They are the one who can make us feel loved
and chosen and seen and complete. And what this tends
to do is cause us to accelerate our emotional bond.
I think that love. What I've learned about love is
that it should feel really natural and easy and like
(09:33):
a gradual progression and increasing closeness. The relationships where you
meet someone and you're instantly like, that is my soulmate.
I need to tell them everything about me. I've often
found that, you know, it's the saying right, like the
candle that burns the brightest, like goes out the fastest.
Maybe that's this. It could be something else, but the
(09:54):
idea is the same. Right that intensity is not sustainable,
and so so when we find ourselves creating a fantasy bond,
we are that intensity is really defining of those situations,
and we often force a lot of artificial intimacy with them.
So we might be like, I know I've only known
you for a week, but let's go on a trip together.
(10:16):
Like do you want to do you want to come
on a trip? Do you want to go on an
overseas like holiday, Do you want to go on a
weekend away? Or we'll be like, oh, by the way,
like my mom's in town, why don't you just meet her?
Why don't you just move in with you know, we've
only don't know each other for like three weeks. Let's
just move in together. And it's because that intensity, that
artificial intimacy, allows us to overlook some of the things
(10:39):
below the surface that doesn't match the vision, doesn't match
the idea of this person, because we are so blindsided
by all of the excitement and how fast everything is
moving at the beginning of a relationship, we put on
those rose colored lenses to ensure that the red flags
look a lot more golden to us, or we ignore
(11:01):
parts of this person that don't align with what we want.
It also is seen in long term relationship as well.
People who have developed this type of bond often deceive
themselves by imagining that they still love this person long
after the feelings of affection and friendship and compassion and
intimacy have faded, because they want to be in love
(11:23):
with them, so they continue to elevate the fantasy of
what this person could be or it currently is, and
what this causes us to do is to find comfort
and security in a dream in our imagination, and therefore
neglect or unfortunately turn away from possibilities that we could
actually find genuine satisfaction with someone else. So I've kind
(11:44):
of spoken about a few reasons why this occurs. Obviously,
the pattern for this kind of dynamic begins in childhood
for some of us, where we learn to do this
with our parents. But additionally there's also a lot of
adult triggers or cues that create and replicate this kind
of dynamic. Firstly, if you have been through a long
(12:06):
period of like people who have just treated you poorly,
if you've just you know, the last couple of years,
everyone has just kind of broken your heart or pulled
away or hasn't want to commit, you are probably emotionally
exhausted at this stage, Like you are probably very tired,
(12:26):
and you can't take another failure. You really can't, your
heart can't take it. So subconsciously, the next person who
comes along you create a fantasy bond because it's easier
to overlook the things that would previously have caused a
relationship to fail, and therefore you avoid another disappointment. A
lot of us, myself included. I'm going to include myself
(12:47):
in this box. Have a very innate fear of being alone.
It's only natural. I think it's one of our basic
human needs is belonging, is connection, so we'll do almost
anything to obtain it, especially in romantic form, and the
fantasy that we create allows us to simultaneously avoid being
alone whilst also avoid seeing this person we're with for
(13:08):
who they are. And if we were to see the
real version of them that isn't hidden behind our imaginative,
you know, dream and vision, we probably wouldn't be with them,
and we probably would ask for a lot more from
the person we're with. It might also be that this
person is like so close to being the right one,
so almost perfect, that we're like, you know what, this
(13:30):
is good enough. If you don't feel like you deserve
the best, If you don't feel like you deserve the
kind of love that everyone talks about that is perfect
and fulfilling and made for you, you will settle. And there
will be a sense of part of you that will
not want to settle. But the fantasy fills that gap
because it allows you to once again see everything through
(13:52):
those rose tinted glasses. So this creates the fantasy bonding cycle.
You feel a deep, almost irrational longing for this person,
and you begin to find that all of your thoughts
find their way back to them. You place them on
a pedestal, and when you create once again the image
of them that is vastly different from who they actually are,
and it's this image that makes you fall in love more,
(14:15):
makes you fall in deeper because you are the ones
sustaining it. So the connection that you have with them,
it feels real. But it also simultaneously is allowing you
to overlook a lot of red flags. It's allowing you
to minimize some of the disappointments, some of the letdowns.
(14:36):
It may also be that you continue a relationship based
on the good times you had in the past. You're
only there because you think you can get back to
that when there was. You know, there might not be
an indication that that is true. You know, the fantasy
that you initially created may begin to disintegrate and deteriorate.
But actually that causes you to invest more in the
(14:56):
illusion because you have a lot to lose now. So
this cause us to once again turn up the intensity,
create more closeness again and again, and again, you keep
pushing it, but also ignore your gut instinct when it
comes to the relationship. I talk about gut instinct. I
actually think quite a bit on this podcast now that
I'm thinking about it, because I really believe in it.
(15:19):
I have a deep belief that this type of like
physical visceral intuition is often correct, and in fact, we've
actually seen in a lot of studies recently confirming that
intuition is a very real psychological process in which subconsciously, unconsciously,
our brains are making assessments that we don't particularly know
(15:41):
about on a conscious level in order to get us
to the right decision. So it is using past experiences,
it is using environmental and internal cues to kind of
guide us in the right direction. Even if that process
that ends thought, that conclusion isn't explicit, it's intuitive, it
feels implicit. But when there is a much stronger urge
(16:03):
to go a different way, when like our front brain,
our active brain is being like, no, I want love,
I want a relationship, I'm going to just go with
this person, we can really ignore the valuable insight that
is brought by this kind of gut feeling. And so
when we're caught in a fantasy bond, we end up
surrendering a lot of things. We end up, you know,
(16:23):
surrendering a lot of our needs, surrendering a lot of
our identity, surrendering a lot of our boundaries to sustain
the relationship. And I have seen a lot of consequences
of this in my own life. I would say one
of the biggest like consequences of a fantasy bond are
these really drawn out situationships that we find ourselves in,
(16:46):
Situationships that are defined by a lot of longing, a
lot of wishful thinking, and inevitably a broken heart. And
this primarily occurs because we ignore this person's lack of commitment,
use it by thinking that they just need more time,
or that if we offer more of ourselves up they
will change their mind. We just need to be better,
(17:07):
We need to be, you know, to do something that
is going to convince them. That is not true. This
person is not who you want them to be. Your
perception of the potential future with this person is based
on false premises. It's based on you misconstruing reality once again,
on the illusion of someone falling in love with someone's
(17:27):
potential is both an unconscious but also a dangerous game,
even if we don't mean it to be. A couple
of years back, actually I met this guy and it
was straight out of a long term relationship, and I
became like I was so I think, firstly emotionally vulnerable
that I became immediately attached to him because of the
idea of what he could bring me, which was the
(17:48):
love that I really missed, And with that, I didn't
want to accept the fact that, like maybe I actually
just needed a rebound. I had to accept the fact
that this was the one, and what ensued was a
really great deal of toxic hope. I ignored how fickle
he was. I ignored how often I was a second
choice for him. I ignored how he put me down,
(18:09):
how every time I tried to talk about the future
he would be incredibly dismissive, because it was important for
me to ignore that to continue the relationship, because I
think if I had acknowledged it, there was no way
that I would stay. There's no way I was going
to be there, and so I just kept the fantasy up.
I just kept ignoring it, and that was also just
not apparent to me, and I think if I had
(18:31):
initially known that sooner and applied the necessary boundaries, it
wouldn't have lasted for so long. But the thing is
is that the fantasy doesn't make itself known until afterwards,
and so it's easier to say it now in hindsight,
but at the time, obviously, like, I can only believe
what my mind tells me, and my mind is also
(18:51):
creating this like imaginative person and this like vision of
this person, and so that's what I'm gonna believe. The
other relation of sequence of ignoring who someone truly is
for the fantasy is that inevitably, as the relationship progresses,
you will end up trying to change them so that
they match the idea of what you initially wanted in
(19:11):
them as a partner, because you haven't truly bonded with
who they are in reality, because you've bonded with the fantasy. Eventually,
that imagined version and that real version are not going
to align. They're going to come into conflict, and instead
of being able to accept that maybe you were just
wrong about them, you're going to look for ways to
solve the problem. Honestly, I'm going to say this a
(19:33):
little bit of a caveat I don't think you need
to love everything about your partner at all times. Like
that's not to say that if you find things that
like maybe annoy you a little bit, or little habits
that you would like to change, that potentially you've actually
fantasy bonded. But what I'm really speaking about here is
significant things that you have obviously at some point overlooked
in favor of this person's potential. And they're big things.
(19:56):
I'm talking religious differences, I'm talking extreme lifestyle differences. These
are things that you can only ignore for so long.
The fantasy can only stay intact for so long before
you're going to want something to change. And it leads
to a lot of conflict because this person doesn't want
to change. They never promised they would, so they feel
a little bit blindsided, and they also feel incapable. It's
(20:19):
going to put a strain on the relationship, and most
of the time it will lead it to fall apart
because it's almost like you wake up and you realize
that you are in love with someone who does not exist.
You are in love with someone that you created in
your mind. And I think that the result of that
is that we feel a lot of regret because we
wasted our time. We feel like we've misled ourselves. We
(20:41):
feel angry, we feel hurt, we feel heartbroken because like,
how could we have done this? You know, who was
this person that we loved? Where did we get this from?
But I really want to remind you that it's not
a conscious choice. It comes from so many things. You
also probably have a very big heart. You have an
optimistic personality. You want to see the best in people.
You want to believe that they can be the best
(21:03):
versions of themselves, that they can change, that they can
be their potential. That is why you find yourselves in
these relationships with people where like you're just constantly thinking
it's gonna get better. This fantasy that you have of
them is reality, because to not believe that would really hurt.
(21:23):
So what I actually want to talk about next is
how we can prevent the fantasy bond before it even begins,
especially for people who are hopeless romantics, people who are
maybe just attracted to the idea of anyone who's offering
them love, who sees the best in everyone even when
they let us down. I really want to talk about
that next. So all of that and more after this
(21:44):
short break. So how exactly do we prevent a fantasy
bond from forming. I think it's all well and good
to talk about the origins and the whys and the
watson all of those things, but actually doesn't help us
unless we know what to do about it. So I'm
(22:04):
going to give you some of my best tips as
a former prolific fantasy idealized kind of person kind of data. Firstly,
in the beginning, when you're first starting to see someone,
spread out your dates with them in order to not
(22:24):
get attached too quickly. When we meet someone that we like,
of course you want to see them all the time.
Of course you want the reassurance that they want to
see you, that they want to continue going on dates
with you. Let it naturally like, let it naturally form though,
let it take like a natural progression, instead of trying
(22:45):
to create that intensity that we spoke about. I think
physical proximity and frequencies is naturally going to cause you
to feel closer to someone before you've actually gotten an
idea of who they really are and what they can
actually offer you. So take time between your dates with
someone to actually reflect, to actually make sure you're looking
(23:08):
after yourself. You are your own person, you're not getting
caught up in like this whirlwind, and you don't get
completely engulfed by this new person either. It's really interesting
because I think that like the consequences of fantasy bonding
are like intense emotional availability compared to emotional unavailability, and
(23:30):
we don't want either of those things right. We want
to balance between the two. It's very easy to go
the other direction and put on this image of being
very cold and very heartless and very like, I don't know, detached.
That's also not the way to find love. So I
think if you want a number, I would say when
you first start dating someone, a week between dates is
(23:51):
really good, and then after like the third date, you
can kind of increase. After like the tenth date, you
should increase as well. I also think do not look
for a label too soon. You actually need time to
test things. You need time to actually know this person
(24:11):
and know who they are and know theyre wance, know
what they can give you rather than what you think
they can give you, If that makes sense. Part of
that is having a list of non negotiables. If you
know that you are particularly susceptible to this kind of bond,
which I'm assuming you know because you're listening to this episode.
Make sure that your rational voice is speaking louder than
(24:34):
your romantic voice than your like fantasy voice, if that
makes sense. When you meet someone you really like like,
it's so easy to get super carried away in them,
intoxicated by them, that we actually forget what we're really
looking for, and we forget what we really want and
what we really deserve. That is where your non negotiables
(24:57):
come into play. I've talked about this on the show before.
I think that you should have a list. And I
know that sounds like super rule based and super intense,
but honestly, it's gonna save you a lot of pain
in the long run. If you say, Okay, here are
the five things that I absolutely need in a partner.
I absolutely need them to be consistent. I absolutely need
(25:18):
them to be kind. I absolutely need them to live
close to me. I absolutely need them to like do
nice things with me, plan dates. I absolutely need them
to whatever. Have that list, and if they're not meeting
that those kinds of priorities for you, that is your
sign to let them go. That is your That is
you going back to the version of you that was
(25:40):
rational before you met this person before you may have
bonded with them through the fantasy telling you what to do.
You are going to have to listen to your own self.
You're going to have to listen to the opinion that
probably matters the most, which is your own. The other
thing here is remember potential is not the same as actuality,
and you really need to make sure that you are
(26:02):
honest with yourself about whether your attraction is based on
who you want them to be or who they are
in the moment. So when you start telling your friends
about them, or when you start talking to yourself about
them when they're not around, being like, wow, they are
really so so kind and they're really like super this
and super that. Do you have examples of that? Is
(26:24):
that true? I want you to remember an example of it.
I don't want you to start applying additional you know,
very generous character traits to this person when they're not
actually there. On the flip side of this, the other
side of the coin is are there any negative emotions
that you are suppressing that you know don't sit right
right now that you might be concealing by trying to
(26:48):
speak more positively of this person. You once again need
to trust your gut. It is going to tell you
things that you need to hear and you need to
listen to it. Is there something about this person that
just doesn't feel quite right that you were ignoring just
because you want a relationship. Are there things you're not
(27:09):
telling your friends? That's a big one. It's sometimes, I
think hard to be honest with ourselves, and we need
that external accountability and our friends are great for that.
If there is something that this person has done, if
there's something they're not offering you that you're like, this
(27:31):
actually really bothers me, and you wouldn't tell your friends
about it because you know they would have an opinion
that might go against what you want from the situation,
what your fantasy wants. That is a pretty big red
flag that you should not be ignoring. One of the
other ones is avoiding actually bringing up things that are
bothering you because you want this relationship to work. And
(27:54):
I guess that conflict aversion is so common, is so common,
and it really is just people pleasing in a new form.
But also sometimes we can implicitly avoid bringing up the
things that we might need because it is a way
of protecting us from acknowledging the fantasy that is occurring.
(28:15):
Something is upsetting you, But if you were to acknowledge it,
it would mean that it would counter like come, it
would contradict the vision, it would contradict who this person is.
So I think in those moments when something like whether
it's a lack of commitment, whether it's a lack of consistency,
they're not replying to your text messages, they never want
(28:35):
to do things with you, like before seven pm, Like
they don't want to meet your friends, they don't want
to like show that they care about you, and you're
just like almost waiting on them to do that. That's no, No,
we're not waiting anymore. If that is if your non negotiable,
say you want someone who is consistent, you want someone
who puts an effort, and they're not doing that. It
doesn't matter if you're scared of conflict. You need to
(28:57):
do this for yourself, and you need to recognize that
there is an unconscious part of you, a very rudimentary
and primal part of you, that is actually not letting
you see this clearly. When we get to this point,
I think you do need to end things and treat
it like a breakup. No matter how long you've been together,
(29:18):
even if labels or exclusivity was never spoken of. I
think I really struggle when I see people have what
are these very emotionally intense relationships and then deny themselves
the grief that they deserve. This still touched you, This
still was important to you, And relationships, however long they are,
this was still a relationship. If it ends abruptly, it
(29:40):
will create an emotional vortex, especially after the intensity of
a fantasy bond. The memories feel bigger when they have
become inflated by expectation. So it's normal to feel a
little bit mentally and emotionally unstable because you're kind of
also at the same time as you're grieving the potential
(30:00):
of this person, you're grieving the what ifs. You're also
floating back down to reality in the aftermath. So some
tips at the stages ignore the need for closure if
you do end things. As humans, I think we love closure.
We crave closure because we are really bad at dealing
with uncertainty and we want answers. It is this thing
(30:21):
that they talk about a lot in psychology, is also
in the psychology around trauma as well, and how we
make memories. How we process memories is that we like
our stories to have a nice ending, because that means
that we can properly place those memories in their proper location,
in their proper box. We like when chapters are closed.
(30:42):
We like when there are conclusions. And when that doesn't come,
when the chapter isn't ending as we thought it would
because we haven't been given the emotional and psychological closure
we need, it can be super confusing. The thing about
ending a relationship that is defined by a thing, fantasy,
bond is that closure probably won't come for a while
(31:03):
that because there is nothing this person can say that
will make you feel okay, because they aren't the person
that you believe they were. They are not that character anymore,
and so you're looking for answers from someone who quite
frankly doesn't exist. You thought he was this great guy.
He wasn't this great guy, but you're still expecting him
to act like it. You know. I think that it's
(31:25):
really difficult in that situation because part of you will
also be like, okay, I want to move on, I
don't want to remember this person. I don't want to
keep sitting in the wattifs. But you can hold those
emotions without letting them rule you. You can feel sad,
you can feel disappointed, you can feel that fear of loneliness,
that desire for love without needing to go back to
(31:47):
that person. I think you just need to learn from
in that moment, what were the signs that in hindsight
you probably couldn't see as clearly at the time. I
also want to remind you that the fact that you
have formed this bond with someone's potential, that you have
this fantasy about them, is a really beautiful thing. It's
(32:10):
because you have a very pure and good heart. You know,
you do see the best in people. You are generous.
Your mind has like gone through hoops, has turned so
many twisty corners to make sure that this person looked
good in your mind's eye, that they continued to have
a good reputation in your imagination. As a way of healing,
(32:33):
I do honestly think you should listen to the breakup
episode that we did last year for more tips on this.
But the number one thing I would say is get
back to a place of independence where you actually begin
to reinforce how worthwhile and amazing you are. You don't
(32:54):
need a fantasy of someone because you deserve the real thing.
You know, you deserve more than what your imagination has
concocted for you. Part of that is also just I
think part of why we end up in these situationships
and these relationships and these like weird dynamics is because
we don't necessarily feel like super confident and who we
(33:15):
are as a person. We maybe don't feel super fulfilled
or entertained by our lives. So work on bringing back
those hobbies. I saw this amazing video the other day
of this woman who is spending the year doing the
things that she used to do as a kid. When
we're younger, we have all of these amazing parts of us,
and we are like these super active and like incredible people,
(33:37):
and we have hobbies and whatnot and so many different talents,
and we lose that as we get older, and we
sometimes tend to replace those things, those activities with relationships
and we let them be our main source of entertainment,
and we can really lose ourselves in that. So get
back to your hobbies, get back to your friends, get
back to yourself, and kind of tend to those secret
(33:59):
gardens that you contain within you. I talk about this
analogy a lot. But each of us has these little
parts of us that really no one is ever fully
going to understand, these little quirks, these little interests, these
things that make you curious, that are precious and just
for you. Make sure that you're tending to those. It
is totally okay if you got wrapped up in the
idea of someone. We've all been there. I've been there
(34:22):
so many times. We want to see people be their best.
We want them, we want to believe that they could
be what we want, and we want love, we want
a relationship. So when we get to a point of
maybe exhaustion with dating and exhaustion with a lot of
dead ends, our mind is going to find a solution
to that problem, and it's going to use all the
tools it has, including our imagination. So I don't want
(34:44):
you to feel any shame. And I also really hope
that this episode has taught you something about this dynamic,
that you've learned something that you have something to apply
to your own life, or at least that you're looking
out for these kinds of bonds and know why they form.
I think it really is important to talk about because
a lot of people end up in relationships with these people,
with this kind of person that they've bonded with for years,
(35:08):
and they don't realize what's happened until like ages down
the line, and suddenly it's this huge shock. But if
you catch it early, if you know that's how you
form attachments with people, you can kind of prevent that
from happening. So thank you so much for listening to
this episode. If you enjoyed this episode, remember to leave
(35:28):
a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you
are listening right now. Share it with a friend if
you think they might need to hear what we've talked
about today. And as always, if you have an episode suggestion,
if you have something to say, if you have an
experience with fantasy bonding, please reach out to me on
Instagram at that Psychology Podcast. I would love to hear
(35:49):
from you. I would love to hear about your experience.
We can create a little support group or something like that.
But sending you love, sending you strength, and we will
be back next week with another episode.
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:27):
Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, it is so great to
have you here. Back for another episode as we break
down the Psychology of our twenties. Today, we're going to
look into We're going to explore, I think one of
the most important concepts when it comes to building healthy,
(00:49):
realistic relationships in our twenties, whether that's when we are dating,
when we are building new friendships, or even as we
begin to see our parents as real people and kind
of navigating that new relationship. What we're talking about is
fantasy bonding. Fantasy bonding is one of those concepts taken
(01:09):
from psychology that I've definitely seen gaining a lot of
popularity and colloquial usage in online spaces, and it often
is used to kind of refer to the bonds we
create with potential partners or love interests in a very
kind of like misconstrued sense. Often we think that fantasy
bonding is just this idea of like having a fantasy
(01:32):
about someone and therefore bonding with them over it, which
is in some ways true, but I think it ignores
a lot of the really important psychological origins that are
not understood, and that is such a shame because once
we really understand the nature of fantasy bonding, I think
so much about our lives begins to make so much
(01:53):
more sense. We can gain a whole new understanding of
how we approach relationships, why why that is, and we
begin to be able to identify the kind of invisible
string or pattern that ties a lot of our relationships together,
and that is that a lot of the time we
are a lot more attached to our idea of someone
(02:16):
or we are of their potential then the reality of
who they actually are. Our relationships become defined a lot
more by our perceptions, by wishful thinking, sometimes even willful ignorance,
than who this person and what this relationship truly could be.
So let's talk about it. First off, I really want
(02:36):
to start by giving you a bit of history behind
where this term originated, because although it's usually used to
refer to dating and instances of dating, it starts a
lot earlier than that. So fantasy bonding was a term
created by doctor Robert Firestone in his book literally titled
The Fantasy Bond, and it was published quite a while
(03:00):
almost forty years ago in nineteen eighty five, and he
used it to describe primarily the connection we typically form
with our parents and how we all have essentially this
emotional hunger and need to see our parents or our
caregivers as utterly perfect and endlessly able to provide us
(03:23):
with all of our needs, all of the love, comfort
resources that we need, but also the security that we crave,
even when sometimes they aren't able to do that. So therefore,
based on this bond, based on this fantasy that we
have of our parents, we end up idealizing them in
order to trust them through everything. So essentially, a fantasy
(03:46):
bond in this form is what we would call a
primitive defense mechanism, and we, like I said, develop it
in early childhood as a way of maintaining an illusion
of safety and security that is tied to our parents
even when we are experiencing a lot of hurt or terror.
It lets us see our parents as our savior in
(04:08):
an attempt to kind of cope with emotional pain. When
we are as children really terrified or scared or hurt,
we have this kind of vision of our parents as
being able to fix that for us. We have this
version of our parents in our imagination who are and
we see them as these all powerful, all healing, kind
(04:30):
of godlike people, and a lot of our relationship with
them in the early years of our lives incorporates that
fantasy bond. So if you think about it, if we
were from a very young age to see our parents
the way that we see them now in our twenties
as kind of real humans, as flawed people as everyone is.
(04:50):
If we were to see them that way as a children,
that would as children, that would have made us feel
a lot less safe about the world, especially at times
when we were really vulnerable. So it's only as we
get older that we really begin to realize that our
parents can't stop us from feeling pain, they can't cure
all our illnesses, they can't stop terrible things from happening,
(05:13):
and that, in fact, they may at times be just
as scared as us. So this fantasy bond serves a
purpose in our early childhood. It also can sometimes protect
us from remembering the times that our parents weren't the
best parents, the times that they screwed up, or they
(05:33):
hurt us, or they did the wrong thing, Because as children,
we really have no one else to rely on but
these caregivers, and yet we are so fragile, and so
if there was to be something that would cause us
to not see our parents as being able to help
us and being these like very powerful creatures, we really
wouldn't have any sense of security in the world. Most
(05:55):
people grow out of the fantasy bond that they have
with their parents, it becomes more realistic for those that don't.
We have people who will continue to idealize their parents
and family, seeing it through rose colored lenses. Maybe you
have encountered people who are like, oh, you know, there
was always something wrong with me as a kid. My
parents were great, Like I was a bad kid. They
(06:17):
did whatever they could. They're like my hero, They're amazing.
I think that some of those, like appraisals, are good
things to have, like respecting your parents, loving your parents,
appreciating them totally normal, and sometimes there is nothing wrong
with our childhoods that would cause us to not believe that.
But I think this more refers to people who have
(06:37):
had this fantasy bond to the point, this fantasy bond
to the point where it's kind of created an unbalanced relationship.
For example, maybe they bring a new family member in,
they start dating someone they've talked about how their family
is like amazing, that parents could do anything, and then
like the new girlfriend, the new boyfriend, the new partner
comes in and is like, whoa, Like, there's a lot
(06:59):
going on here this My partner is definitely like, has
this idea of their parents that is not real. The
other thing that a fantasy bond does is that once
we have kind of learned that we can dissociate from
the reality of who someone is and create a version
of them that is useful for us, we can begin
to replicate that bond in our adult relationships, primarily in
(07:22):
our romantic lives. And that is what I really want
to talk about today. This is when we get the
fantasy bond that we most often talk about when it
comes to dating. A fantasy bond situation can be something
that any of us finds ourselves in because it is
basically like relying on a very human trait, which is
(07:45):
our imagination. And what it does is it describes an
illusion of connection between two people that is based on
an idea of the love or the connection that you
share rather than the truth. It is essentially a partial delusion.
It can be based on someone's potential, a potential that
(08:07):
they might not be ready or are incapable of fulfilling,
but you hold onto the possibility because of what it
could mean for you if they were to change, if
they could be the fantasy. Essentially, it's having one version
of this person in your mind and this other version
of them. There's real not aligning, but we're unable to
(08:29):
see that gap, that conflict between the fantasy and the reality.
We all want to feel close to someone. We want intimacy,
we want security, we want love, we want a relationship,
and sometimes that can cause us to ignore a lack
of genuine interest or compatibility, or signs that this person
(08:50):
is actually not right for us. They actually don't give
us what we need. But by indulging in the fantasy
of who this is that we have created for ourselves,
the relationship can still be sustained and provide us things
that we want in other areas. Another reason this might
develop is when we place unrealistic expectations on someone and
(09:12):
we imagine that they can somehow solve all our problems.
They are the one who can make us feel loved
and chosen and seen and complete. And what this tends
to do is cause us to accelerate our emotional bond.
I think that love. What I've learned about love is
that it should feel really natural and easy and like
(09:33):
a gradual progression and increasing closeness. The relationships where you
meet someone and you're instantly like, that is my soulmate.
I need to tell them everything about me. I've often
found that, you know, it's the saying right, like the
candle that burns the brightest, like goes out the fastest.
Maybe that's this. It could be something else, but the
(09:54):
idea is the same. Right that intensity is not sustainable,
and so so when we find ourselves creating a fantasy bond,
we are that intensity is really defining of those situations,
and we often force a lot of artificial intimacy with them.
So we might be like, I know I've only known
you for a week, but let's go on a trip together.
(10:16):
Like do you want to do you want to come
on a trip? Do you want to go on an
overseas like holiday, Do you want to go on a
weekend away? Or we'll be like, oh, by the way,
like my mom's in town, why don't you just meet her?
Why don't you just move in with you know, we've
only don't know each other for like three weeks. Let's
just move in together. And it's because that intensity, that
artificial intimacy, allows us to overlook some of the things
(10:39):
below the surface that doesn't match the vision, doesn't match
the idea of this person, because we are so blindsided
by all of the excitement and how fast everything is
moving at the beginning of a relationship, we put on
those rose colored lenses to ensure that the red flags
look a lot more golden to us, or we ignore
(11:01):
parts of this person that don't align with what we want.
It also is seen in long term relationship as well.
People who have developed this type of bond often deceive
themselves by imagining that they still love this person long
after the feelings of affection and friendship and compassion and
intimacy have faded, because they want to be in love
(11:23):
with them, so they continue to elevate the fantasy of
what this person could be or it currently is, and
what this causes us to do is to find comfort
and security in a dream in our imagination, and therefore
neglect or unfortunately turn away from possibilities that we could
actually find genuine satisfaction with someone else. So I've kind
(11:44):
of spoken about a few reasons why this occurs. Obviously,
the pattern for this kind of dynamic begins in childhood
for some of us, where we learn to do this
with our parents. But additionally there's also a lot of
adult triggers or cues that create and replicate this kind
of dynamic. Firstly, if you have been through a long
(12:06):
period of like people who have just treated you poorly,
if you've just you know, the last couple of years,
everyone has just kind of broken your heart or pulled
away or hasn't want to commit, you are probably emotionally
exhausted at this stage, Like you are probably very tired,
(12:26):
and you can't take another failure. You really can't, your
heart can't take it. So subconsciously, the next person who
comes along you create a fantasy bond because it's easier
to overlook the things that would previously have caused a
relationship to fail, and therefore you avoid another disappointment. A
lot of us, myself included. I'm going to include myself
(12:47):
in this box. Have a very innate fear of being alone.
It's only natural. I think it's one of our basic
human needs is belonging, is connection, so we'll do almost
anything to obtain it, especially in romantic form, and the
fantasy that we create allows us to simultaneously avoid being
alone whilst also avoid seeing this person we're with for
(13:08):
who they are. And if we were to see the
real version of them that isn't hidden behind our imaginative,
you know, dream and vision, we probably wouldn't be with them,
and we probably would ask for a lot more from
the person we're with. It might also be that this
person is like so close to being the right one,
so almost perfect, that we're like, you know what, this
(13:30):
is good enough. If you don't feel like you deserve
the best, If you don't feel like you deserve the
kind of love that everyone talks about that is perfect
and fulfilling and made for you, you will settle. And there
will be a sense of part of you that will
not want to settle. But the fantasy fills that gap
because it allows you to once again see everything through
(13:52):
those rose tinted glasses. So this creates the fantasy bonding cycle.
You feel a deep, almost irrational longing for this person,
and you begin to find that all of your thoughts
find their way back to them. You place them on
a pedestal, and when you create once again the image
of them that is vastly different from who they actually are,
and it's this image that makes you fall in love more,
(14:15):
makes you fall in deeper because you are the ones
sustaining it. So the connection that you have with them,
it feels real. But it also simultaneously is allowing you
to overlook a lot of red flags. It's allowing you
to minimize some of the disappointments, some of the letdowns.
(14:36):
It may also be that you continue a relationship based
on the good times you had in the past. You're
only there because you think you can get back to
that when there was. You know, there might not be
an indication that that is true. You know, the fantasy
that you initially created may begin to disintegrate and deteriorate.
But actually that causes you to invest more in the
(14:56):
illusion because you have a lot to lose now. So
this cause us to once again turn up the intensity,
create more closeness again and again, and again, you keep
pushing it, but also ignore your gut instinct when it
comes to the relationship. I talk about gut instinct. I
actually think quite a bit on this podcast now that
I'm thinking about it, because I really believe in it.
(15:19):
I have a deep belief that this type of like
physical visceral intuition is often correct, and in fact, we've
actually seen in a lot of studies recently confirming that
intuition is a very real psychological process in which subconsciously, unconsciously,
our brains are making assessments that we don't particularly know
(15:41):
about on a conscious level in order to get us
to the right decision. So it is using past experiences,
it is using environmental and internal cues to kind of
guide us in the right direction. Even if that process
that ends thought, that conclusion isn't explicit, it's intuitive, it
feels implicit. But when there is a much stronger urge
(16:03):
to go a different way, when like our front brain,
our active brain is being like, no, I want love,
I want a relationship, I'm going to just go with
this person, we can really ignore the valuable insight that
is brought by this kind of gut feeling. And so
when we're caught in a fantasy bond, we end up
surrendering a lot of things. We end up, you know,
(16:23):
surrendering a lot of our needs, surrendering a lot of
our identity, surrendering a lot of our boundaries to sustain
the relationship. And I have seen a lot of consequences
of this in my own life. I would say one
of the biggest like consequences of a fantasy bond are
these really drawn out situationships that we find ourselves in,
(16:46):
Situationships that are defined by a lot of longing, a
lot of wishful thinking, and inevitably a broken heart. And
this primarily occurs because we ignore this person's lack of commitment,
use it by thinking that they just need more time,
or that if we offer more of ourselves up they
will change their mind. We just need to be better,
(17:07):
We need to be, you know, to do something that
is going to convince them. That is not true. This
person is not who you want them to be. Your
perception of the potential future with this person is based
on false premises. It's based on you misconstruing reality once again,
on the illusion of someone falling in love with someone's
(17:27):
potential is both an unconscious but also a dangerous game,
even if we don't mean it to be. A couple
of years back, actually I met this guy and it
was straight out of a long term relationship, and I
became like I was so I think, firstly emotionally vulnerable
that I became immediately attached to him because of the
idea of what he could bring me, which was the
(17:48):
love that I really missed, And with that, I didn't
want to accept the fact that, like maybe I actually
just needed a rebound. I had to accept the fact
that this was the one, and what ensued was a
really great deal of toxic hope. I ignored how fickle
he was. I ignored how often I was a second
choice for him. I ignored how he put me down,
(18:09):
how every time I tried to talk about the future
he would be incredibly dismissive, because it was important for
me to ignore that to continue the relationship, because I
think if I had acknowledged it, there was no way
that I would stay. There's no way I was going
to be there, and so I just kept the fantasy up.
I just kept ignoring it, and that was also just
not apparent to me, and I think if I had
(18:31):
initially known that sooner and applied the necessary boundaries, it
wouldn't have lasted for so long. But the thing is
is that the fantasy doesn't make itself known until afterwards,
and so it's easier to say it now in hindsight,
but at the time, obviously, like, I can only believe
what my mind tells me, and my mind is also
(18:51):
creating this like imaginative person and this like vision of
this person, and so that's what I'm gonna believe. The
other relation of sequence of ignoring who someone truly is
for the fantasy is that inevitably, as the relationship progresses,
you will end up trying to change them so that
they match the idea of what you initially wanted in
(19:11):
them as a partner, because you haven't truly bonded with
who they are in reality, because you've bonded with the fantasy. Eventually,
that imagined version and that real version are not going
to align. They're going to come into conflict, and instead
of being able to accept that maybe you were just
wrong about them, you're going to look for ways to
solve the problem. Honestly, I'm going to say this a
(19:33):
little bit of a caveat I don't think you need
to love everything about your partner at all times. Like
that's not to say that if you find things that
like maybe annoy you a little bit, or little habits
that you would like to change, that potentially you've actually
fantasy bonded. But what I'm really speaking about here is
significant things that you have obviously at some point overlooked
in favor of this person's potential. And they're big things.
(19:56):
I'm talking religious differences, I'm talking extreme lifestyle differences. These
are things that you can only ignore for so long.
The fantasy can only stay intact for so long before
you're going to want something to change. And it leads
to a lot of conflict because this person doesn't want
to change. They never promised they would, so they feel
a little bit blindsided, and they also feel incapable. It's
(20:19):
going to put a strain on the relationship, and most
of the time it will lead it to fall apart
because it's almost like you wake up and you realize
that you are in love with someone who does not exist.
You are in love with someone that you created in
your mind. And I think that the result of that
is that we feel a lot of regret because we
wasted our time. We feel like we've misled ourselves. We
(20:41):
feel angry, we feel hurt, we feel heartbroken because like,
how could we have done this? You know, who was
this person that we loved? Where did we get this from?
But I really want to remind you that it's not
a conscious choice. It comes from so many things. You
also probably have a very big heart. You have an
optimistic personality. You want to see the best in people.
You want to believe that they can be the best
(21:03):
versions of themselves, that they can change, that they can
be their potential. That is why you find yourselves in
these relationships with people where like you're just constantly thinking
it's gonna get better. This fantasy that you have of
them is reality, because to not believe that would really hurt.
(21:23):
So what I actually want to talk about next is
how we can prevent the fantasy bond before it even begins,
especially for people who are hopeless romantics, people who are
maybe just attracted to the idea of anyone who's offering
them love, who sees the best in everyone even when
they let us down. I really want to talk about
that next. So all of that and more after this
(21:44):
short break. So how exactly do we prevent a fantasy
bond from forming. I think it's all well and good
to talk about the origins and the whys and the
watson all of those things, but actually doesn't help us
unless we know what to do about it. So I'm
(22:04):
going to give you some of my best tips as
a former prolific fantasy idealized kind of person kind of data. Firstly,
in the beginning, when you're first starting to see someone,
spread out your dates with them in order to not
(22:24):
get attached too quickly. When we meet someone that we like,
of course you want to see them all the time.
Of course you want the reassurance that they want to
see you, that they want to continue going on dates
with you. Let it naturally like, let it naturally form though,
let it take like a natural progression, instead of trying
(22:45):
to create that intensity that we spoke about. I think
physical proximity and frequencies is naturally going to cause you
to feel closer to someone before you've actually gotten an
idea of who they really are and what they can
actually offer you. So take time between your dates with
someone to actually reflect, to actually make sure you're looking
(23:08):
after yourself. You are your own person, you're not getting
caught up in like this whirlwind, and you don't get
completely engulfed by this new person either. It's really interesting
because I think that like the consequences of fantasy bonding
are like intense emotional availability compared to emotional unavailability, and
(23:30):
we don't want either of those things right. We want
to balance between the two. It's very easy to go
the other direction and put on this image of being
very cold and very heartless and very like, I don't know, detached.
That's also not the way to find love. So I
think if you want a number, I would say when
you first start dating someone, a week between dates is
(23:51):
really good, and then after like the third date, you
can kind of increase. After like the tenth date, you
should increase as well. I also think do not look
for a label too soon. You actually need time to
test things. You need time to actually know this person
(24:11):
and know who they are and know theyre wance, know
what they can give you rather than what you think
they can give you, If that makes sense. Part of
that is having a list of non negotiables. If you
know that you are particularly susceptible to this kind of bond,
which I'm assuming you know because you're listening to this episode.
Make sure that your rational voice is speaking louder than
(24:34):
your romantic voice than your like fantasy voice, if that
makes sense. When you meet someone you really like like,
it's so easy to get super carried away in them,
intoxicated by them, that we actually forget what we're really
looking for, and we forget what we really want and
what we really deserve. That is where your non negotiables
(24:57):
come into play. I've talked about this on the show before.
I think that you should have a list. And I
know that sounds like super rule based and super intense,
but honestly, it's gonna save you a lot of pain
in the long run. If you say, Okay, here are
the five things that I absolutely need in a partner.
I absolutely need them to be consistent. I absolutely need
(25:18):
them to be kind. I absolutely need them to live
close to me. I absolutely need them to like do
nice things with me, plan dates. I absolutely need them
to whatever. Have that list, and if they're not meeting
that those kinds of priorities for you, that is your
sign to let them go. That is your That is
you going back to the version of you that was
(25:40):
rational before you met this person before you may have
bonded with them through the fantasy telling you what to do.
You are going to have to listen to your own self.
You're going to have to listen to the opinion that
probably matters the most, which is your own. The other
thing here is remember potential is not the same as actuality,
and you really need to make sure that you are
(26:02):
honest with yourself about whether your attraction is based on
who you want them to be or who they are
in the moment. So when you start telling your friends
about them, or when you start talking to yourself about
them when they're not around, being like, wow, they are
really so so kind and they're really like super this
and super that. Do you have examples of that? Is
(26:24):
that true? I want you to remember an example of it.
I don't want you to start applying additional you know,
very generous character traits to this person when they're not
actually there. On the flip side of this, the other
side of the coin is are there any negative emotions
that you are suppressing that you know don't sit right
right now that you might be concealing by trying to
(26:48):
speak more positively of this person. You once again need
to trust your gut. It is going to tell you
things that you need to hear and you need to
listen to it. Is there something about this person that
just doesn't feel quite right that you were ignoring just
because you want a relationship. Are there things you're not
(27:09):
telling your friends? That's a big one. It's sometimes, I
think hard to be honest with ourselves, and we need
that external accountability and our friends are great for that.
If there is something that this person has done, if
there's something they're not offering you that you're like, this
(27:31):
actually really bothers me, and you wouldn't tell your friends
about it because you know they would have an opinion
that might go against what you want from the situation,
what your fantasy wants. That is a pretty big red
flag that you should not be ignoring. One of the
other ones is avoiding actually bringing up things that are
bothering you because you want this relationship to work. And
(27:54):
I guess that conflict aversion is so common, is so common,
and it really is just people pleasing in a new form.
But also sometimes we can implicitly avoid bringing up the
things that we might need because it is a way
of protecting us from acknowledging the fantasy that is occurring.
(28:15):
Something is upsetting you, But if you were to acknowledge it,
it would mean that it would counter like come, it
would contradict the vision, it would contradict who this person is.
So I think in those moments when something like whether
it's a lack of commitment, whether it's a lack of consistency,
they're not replying to your text messages, they never want
(28:35):
to do things with you, like before seven pm, Like
they don't want to meet your friends, they don't want
to like show that they care about you, and you're
just like almost waiting on them to do that. That's no, No,
we're not waiting anymore. If that is if your non negotiable,
say you want someone who is consistent, you want someone
who puts an effort, and they're not doing that. It
doesn't matter if you're scared of conflict. You need to
(28:57):
do this for yourself, and you need to recognize that
there is an unconscious part of you, a very rudimentary
and primal part of you, that is actually not letting
you see this clearly. When we get to this point,
I think you do need to end things and treat
it like a breakup. No matter how long you've been together,
(29:18):
even if labels or exclusivity was never spoken of. I
think I really struggle when I see people have what
are these very emotionally intense relationships and then deny themselves
the grief that they deserve. This still touched you, This
still was important to you, And relationships, however long they are,
this was still a relationship. If it ends abruptly, it
(29:40):
will create an emotional vortex, especially after the intensity of
a fantasy bond. The memories feel bigger when they have
become inflated by expectation. So it's normal to feel a
little bit mentally and emotionally unstable because you're kind of
also at the same time as you're grieving the potential
(30:00):
of this person, you're grieving the what ifs. You're also
floating back down to reality in the aftermath. So some
tips at the stages ignore the need for closure if
you do end things. As humans, I think we love closure.
We crave closure because we are really bad at dealing
with uncertainty and we want answers. It is this thing
(30:21):
that they talk about a lot in psychology, is also
in the psychology around trauma as well, and how we
make memories. How we process memories is that we like
our stories to have a nice ending, because that means
that we can properly place those memories in their proper location,
in their proper box. We like when chapters are closed.
(30:42):
We like when there are conclusions. And when that doesn't come,
when the chapter isn't ending as we thought it would
because we haven't been given the emotional and psychological closure
we need, it can be super confusing. The thing about
ending a relationship that is defined by a thing, fantasy,
bond is that closure probably won't come for a while
(31:03):
that because there is nothing this person can say that
will make you feel okay, because they aren't the person
that you believe they were. They are not that character anymore,
and so you're looking for answers from someone who quite
frankly doesn't exist. You thought he was this great guy.
He wasn't this great guy, but you're still expecting him
to act like it. You know. I think that it's
(31:25):
really difficult in that situation because part of you will
also be like, okay, I want to move on, I
don't want to remember this person. I don't want to
keep sitting in the wattifs. But you can hold those
emotions without letting them rule you. You can feel sad,
you can feel disappointed, you can feel that fear of loneliness,
that desire for love without needing to go back to
(31:47):
that person. I think you just need to learn from
in that moment, what were the signs that in hindsight
you probably couldn't see as clearly at the time. I
also want to remind you that the fact that you
have formed this bond with someone's potential, that you have
this fantasy about them, is a really beautiful thing. It's
(32:10):
because you have a very pure and good heart. You know,
you do see the best in people. You are generous.
Your mind has like gone through hoops, has turned so
many twisty corners to make sure that this person looked
good in your mind's eye, that they continued to have
a good reputation in your imagination. As a way of healing,
(32:33):
I do honestly think you should listen to the breakup
episode that we did last year for more tips on this.
But the number one thing I would say is get
back to a place of independence where you actually begin
to reinforce how worthwhile and amazing you are. You don't
(32:54):
need a fantasy of someone because you deserve the real thing.
You know, you deserve more than what your imagination has
concocted for you. Part of that is also just I
think part of why we end up in these situationships
and these relationships and these like weird dynamics is because
we don't necessarily feel like super confident and who we
(33:15):
are as a person. We maybe don't feel super fulfilled
or entertained by our lives. So work on bringing back
those hobbies. I saw this amazing video the other day
of this woman who is spending the year doing the
things that she used to do as a kid. When
we're younger, we have all of these amazing parts of us,
and we are like these super active and like incredible people,
(33:37):
and we have hobbies and whatnot and so many different talents,
and we lose that as we get older, and we
sometimes tend to replace those things, those activities with relationships
and we let them be our main source of entertainment,
and we can really lose ourselves in that. So get
back to your hobbies, get back to your friends, get
back to yourself, and kind of tend to those secret
(33:59):
gardens that you contain within you. I talk about this
analogy a lot. But each of us has these little
parts of us that really no one is ever fully
going to understand, these little quirks, these little interests, these
things that make you curious, that are precious and just
for you. Make sure that you're tending to those. It
is totally okay if you got wrapped up in the
idea of someone. We've all been there. I've been there
(34:22):
so many times. We want to see people be their best.
We want them, we want to believe that they could
be what we want, and we want love, we want
a relationship. So when we get to a point of
maybe exhaustion with dating and exhaustion with a lot of
dead ends, our mind is going to find a solution
to that problem, and it's going to use all the
tools it has, including our imagination. So I don't want
(34:44):
you to feel any shame. And I also really hope
that this episode has taught you something about this dynamic,
that you've learned something that you have something to apply
to your own life, or at least that you're looking
out for these kinds of bonds and know why they form.
I think it really is important to talk about because
a lot of people end up in relationships with these people,
with this kind of person that they've bonded with for years,
(35:08):
and they don't realize what's happened until like ages down
the line, and suddenly it's this huge shock. But if
you catch it early, if you know that's how you
form attachments with people, you can kind of prevent that
from happening. So thank you so much for listening to
this episode. If you enjoyed this episode, remember to leave
(35:28):
a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you
are listening right now. Share it with a friend if
you think they might need to hear what we've talked
about today. And as always, if you have an episode suggestion,
if you have something to say, if you have an
experience with fantasy bonding, please reach out to me on
Instagram at that Psychology Podcast. I would love to hear
(35:49):
from you. I would love to hear about your experience.
We can create a little support group or something like that.
But sending you love, sending you strength, and we will
be back next week with another episode.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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