July 4, 2024 • 33 mins
We all know what red flags are, they tend to be universal at any age, but there are some redflags that are specific to our 20s, certain features of a relationship during this decade to look out for even if they don't look concerning at first. On today's episode we talk about the five biggest red flags for relationships in our 20s, including:
- Relationships that stop you from having experiences
- Relationships that cause emotional chaos
- Relationships that don't celebrate or encourage you
- All or nothing relationships
- Fatal attractor relationships
We also explore the psychology and of course the research behind why these can be so damaging to help us find more sustainable and healthy love during this decade. Listen now!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:26):
Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, it is so great to
have you here back for another episode as we of
course break down the psychology.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Of our twenties. You know, I truly believe that this
decade is such a sacred time for every single one
of us. There is something kind of magical about being
this young and chaotic but also so focused on the future,
gaining self awareness, wanting to get the most out of
life's experiences, kind of grown up, kind of still young,
(01:00):
still knowing you've kind of still excited. There is just
so much to learn, so much to learn, especially about ourselves,
and there's these huge life changing moments of growth and
wonder and joy, and also these huge relationships. A big
part of this whole experience of this decade. Something that
really makes and breaks our years and our months as
twenty something year olds is who we choose to date,
(01:22):
who we fall for who we spend our time with,
you know, romantically, whether that's in a committed sense or not,
the people that we presume. I think that if you
ask most of us in this decade, what is one
of the things that you think the most about or
which has the biggest impact on your experiences and your
mood and so much else, it would be love, and
(01:44):
it would be relationships, and it would be dating, and
it's honestly such a formative part of these years. But
not all relationships are meant to be, and they're not
always beneficial to this like journey of discovery that we've
got going on in our twenties, not always who we need.
Sometimes being in love and having fun just isn't enough,
(02:06):
especially when there are some pretty huge signs that this
relationship might not be going anywhere, It might be costing
you a lot more than you thought it would be.
It might actually be jeopardizing some of the experiences that
you have in this period of life, or jeopardizing part
of your identity or your personhood in general. And I
(02:27):
think one of the big regrets that a lot of
people have, or something that we think that we're going
to regret, we fear, is being in our late twenties
early thirties and realizing that we ignored red flags in
our relationship or we continue to pursue people who weren't
good for us, and we really should have been alone,
and we really should have been with somebody better. And
(02:48):
that's what I want to talk about today. What are
the red flags specifically for relationships in our twenties that
we need to look out for. What are the warning
signs that something is off in a relationationship or about
a person. You know, I think we all understand what
red flags are. They are essentially these things that should
cause us to break things off with somebody. And there
(03:11):
are a lot of red flags that are pretty universal.
If they're jealous, if they treat you poorly, if they
don't communicate or support you, if they love bomb you,
if they're narcissistic. These are really true no matter where
you are, your gender, and most specifically your age. But
there are some red flags that I think are specifically
valuable to be aware of during this decade. They're a
bit more nuanced, They're a bit more specific to the
(03:34):
life stage and the period that we're in and the
experiences that we're having. And I think My biggest guiding
philosophy that I had when thinking about these five big
red flags was that the relationship with the right person
during this decade can really elevate the experiences that you're
having in your twenties, But with the wrong person you
are much better experiencing everything by yourself or with your
(03:57):
friends or accompanied by family, your platonic love. Then spending
these years hoping somebody's going to change with the wrong
person in the wrong relationship. There is I think a
very fine line and an important line between wanting to
experience love but then also knowing that you would benefit
(04:18):
from being single. And that's what I want to talk
about today. What are the red flags that we should
look out for. What are the situations that we don't
want to get stuck in. What are some of the
things that we might realize will inevitably cost us so
that we will inevitably regret about the relationships that we
(04:38):
have in our twenties. We have so much to cover, So,
without further ado, my lovely listeners, let's get into it.
Let's start this off strong. If there was just one
red flag on this list and none other, no other
red flags, personally, this would be my number one as
(04:59):
it relates to our twe so our number one red flag.
If they hold you back from having experiences, especially the
kind of experiences that create memories that are going to
last longer than that relationship, that is not the right
relationship for you. Listen, everyone is in a different stage.
But if you have big dreams of moving overseas or
(05:19):
traveling for three months, or starting your own business or
solo hiking or whatever it is, please, please, please, please,
don't give that up for a relationship. A good relationship
should allow you to be all of those things and more.
You should feel secure enough in that connection and in
the stability of your partnership to be an independent person.
(05:40):
Because you don't get this time back, you might not
get this opportunity again. You may never be where you
are now. You may never be prepared to seek out
this adventure and take that risk. And if you wait
for when your partner is ready, or you hold off
because somebody you're dating doesn't want to go or doesn't
want you to go, which is even worse, I'm telling
(06:03):
you right now, you will regret that. And the reason
that I know this is because there have been studies
on this very thing. Saying no or not making a
decision leads to so much more long term regret than
saying yes, even if by saying yes you end up
losing out on something else, because that experience, those memories
(06:24):
will make up for what it is that you might lose.
They will last so much longer, they will be such
a source of joy, and they will just be at
evidence that despite the barriers, despite everything telling you to
stay with this person, to stay safe, to stay comfortable,
you did it. Anyways, some of the most enduring regrets
(06:46):
that people have at the end of their life, and
which they tell people who do studies on this, they
stem from actions not taken. And the right kind of
love will accommodate your dreams. The worst kinds of love
will restrict you, will want to keep you small. So
when I first started dating my boyfriend, like three months in,
(07:06):
I kind of sat him down and said, basically, if
I wasn't dating you, I wouldn't be in Australia. I
had these plans that in six months time, like at
the end of the year, that I was going to
move overseas, And I used to kind of always joke
with people when we first met that it was like
such terrible timing to meet somebody so wonderful to me,
(07:28):
like the love of my life. Like part of me
was like, oh my gosh, why didn't I meet him
like a year earlier, when everything was still up in
the air. Why you know, why did I meet him
in two years time when I'd gone and done and
done those things. And I did have a moment of
being like, I don't want to give my dreams up
for this guy who only three months ago was a stranger.
(07:49):
And so I talked to him about it. I said,
you know, I really want to live overseas and I
really really like you. I don't know if I loved
him at that point, but I was like, I really
enjoy our relationship, but you know, this is kind of
a deal break it for me. And you know what
he said, He said, Okay, let's make a timeline. If
this is an experience that you want to have to
live overseas for a year or two, let's make it happen.
(08:12):
And if you want to go now, let's make it work.
And that was a huge green flag. It was like
a respect for the fact that my life existed beyond
our relationship, and he really appreciated my dreams, and he
appreciated appreciated my dreams not just for my life, but
for my twenties. You know, I'm somebody who thinks about
their twenties a lot, and who thinks about getting the
most out of this decade so much. And I think
(08:34):
that I couldn't be with somebody who didn't appreciate what
I wanted to experience in the life I wanted wanted
to live. So if someone doesn't respect those things, if
they hold you back, if they make you feel insecure
about doing the things that you want to do, if
they don't want you to do them without them, I
just think that that shouldn't impede your decision making and
(08:56):
that you should be free to be a person before
you are a partner, to have a life before you
have a relationship. So red flag number two, they are
not the one if they are causing you intense emotional chaos.
There is a really fine balance between someone who is
exciting and exhilarating and someone who is going to absolutely
(09:18):
destroy everything in your life your self esteem, your values,
your self confidence, and that can take a long time
to repair. So there was this study in twenty nineteen
that examined this very thing. They examined romantic relationships in
emerging adulthood and emerging adulthood is this period between eighteen
and twenty nine. And what this research suggested was that
(09:40):
romantic relationships during this period that are unpredictable, that are
disruptive or distressing, they can actually cause significant changes in
our mood, significant changes in our interest in life. They
can reduce our positive emotions, and they can reduce our
sense of stable self worth. And that impact doesn't disappear
(10:01):
when we leave the relationship either. It can linger, sometimes
for years. So let me explain by what I mean
by intense emotional chaos, and if you relate to any
of these things, see it as a red flag. So
feeling good about the relationship one day and then terrible
the next, without any explanation as to why, never knowing
(10:23):
what to expect from the other person, your emotions are
out of control when it comes to this person or
your relationship, Crying over this person in your relationship sometimes
without any given reason, Feeling nauseous or anxious about the future,
not feeling like yourself if your friends notice that you've
changed or you're less in touch with yourself, or your
(10:44):
upset feeling the need to kind of completely explode your
life because of them. That is the intense emotional chaos
that I'm talking about. There are a few kinds of
relationships that I think create this reaction for starters, you know,
relationship with people who are just simply manipulative or breadcrumbing you,
or who aren't right for you. And in our deepest
(11:06):
of hearts, we know that that often elicits this reaction.
But the biggest one, that is very so uniquely twenty
something is situationships. These half baked pseudo relationships that leave
you feeling uneasy and unsure of what actually to expect,
unsure of what's actually going on, and very convoluted. Situationships
(11:29):
by nature are chaotic because whilst you're in them, they
neither have a future or an end, so they are
constantly suspended in this emotional limbo. And I think whilst
our natural instinct is to bond and attach to this person,
because we are connecting with them, we are building memories
with them, we are sharing time with them, the lack
(11:51):
of a label or exclusivity creates this very logical and
rational understanding that we shouldn't be doing that, but our
emotional biological urge is doing so anyways. So basically what
I'm saying is that you end up getting attached whether
you want to or not. These situations can be so intense.
(12:12):
I do really feel for anyone who was going through
this at the moment. Back in like twenty twenty one,
I was in this like six month relationship with this
guy after the end of my first big long term relationship,
and it was like a complete rollercoaster and it was
a complete disaster, and throughout the experience it was a
state of emotional chaos. I lost a big part of myself.
(12:34):
I lost friends, and I lost my sense of self respect,
and to be honest, I think I lost a bit
of my healthy perspective on love, and it took a
while to recover. It took a while to unlearn what
I had implicitly learned about myself and about others because
of that situation. Nowadays, I definitely value what I went
through because it taught me things about myself that I
(12:57):
never would have learned. But I would have preferred to
learn them are in a different way rather than going
through that. And the biggest red flag for me should
have been the emotional chaos I was experiencing at the beginning,
but because I was in such a self destructive place,
and I'll be the first to admit it, the anxiety,
the ups and downs, the jitters that you know, that
(13:18):
was my intuition telling me to break it off. But
those JITs, those experiences, this emotion, it felt fun and
it felt exciting, and I didn't know how to identify
what I was going through. Maybe it's a rite of passage.
I don't know. Maybe a lot of people you have
to have a relationship like this in your twenties. It
(13:39):
seems like a lot of us have. But I also think,
save the suffering, save the misery, save yourself the time
and the inevitable explosion three months, six months later, and
try and notice those feelings when they first occur. So
red flag number three a little bit different from that
last one. They don't celebrate you or encourage you. Now,
(14:03):
this is problematic to me for quite a few reasons.
Number one, quite frankly, you just deserve someone who thinks
you are incredible. And I think that being celebratory and
encouraging somebody is just part of being a good partner.
So it kind of shows that they aren't that. And
number two, it is part of a healthy partnership and
it shows their commitment to your growth, which is also
(14:24):
a great green flag. Number three, if they aren't celebrating
you now, don't expect that to change in the future.
So I always say, how the relationship begins, it's how
it ends. If it has begun with a complete deficit
in them feeling proud of you or them wanting to
express happiness for you, that's not going to change. And
(14:46):
number four, which is similar to number two, actually comes
down to a theory known as the Michelangelo theory, which
states that our close partners sculpt us into hopefully becoming
the best versions of ourselves by implicitly promoting and encouraging
our best traits and inhibiting the things that hold us back.
(15:08):
The reason that it's called the Michelangelo phenomena is after
the artist and the sculptor who would make these beautiful
creations from marble. And that is what a good partner
can do to you. It's not that they are like
intentionally chipping away and trying to make you a better
person or make you into the version of you that
they like. It's more that the right person encourages the
(15:31):
things that you really like about yourself and helps you
become the version of you that you have chosen to become,
or who is within you. One way that they do
that is through encouragement and celebration, which, as the theory
would suggest, pushes us towards our ideal selves. We obviously
care about our partner's opinions, and we trust what they
(15:52):
say and what they think. And if they are the
ones who are like, yeah, that was a really great
job that you went to the gym today, we feel
really great when they say that they encourage us to
go back to school, or if they encourage us to
pursue our dreams, that is quite motivating. And if your
partner is not doing that, especially now, especially in your twenties,
I think that that is something that isn't going to change,
(16:13):
and perhaps it's preventing you from living up to your potential.
You know. Also, I just think that naturally, if you
love somebody, if you care about them, you want you
do care about their future, and you do care about
their goals and their pursuits, and you do want them
to improve the way that they see fit. I think
(16:37):
we often think about our goals and our dreams is
quite a solitary affair, especially during this decade when we're
just getting started. You know, it all comes down to
our discipline and our commitment, and our intelligence and our
creativity and the hours that we are putting into something.
But this theory really suggests that the opposite is true,
that actually it does take a village, and it's the
(16:57):
people closest to us who have the biggest influence on
whether we succeed in our dreams or whether we don't.
There's also additional research that shows that having an equally
motivated partner who encourages you and celebrates you, but also
is equally productive and equally pursuing a sense of satisfaction
and fulfillment in their lives will help you be a
(17:19):
better person. It's called social contagion. That's what we call
it in psychology. You've probably heard the quote, you know
you are the product of the five piece people closest
to you, and that's what this idea of social contagion reflects.
Your partner is definitely one of those five right, And
the older we get, the further we get into our
twenties and even our thirties, and our forties, they normally
(17:42):
become the number one. So if they aren't in your corner,
if you have a big when at work and they
brush past it, if you like set a pr at
the gym and it's not something that they care about
or they're even interested in, sometimes their disinterests can actually
work as a form of negative reinforcement, and it can
discourage you from continuing to pursue your goals. You know,
(18:04):
the opposite of the Michelangelo phenomenon is actually the blueberry phenomena.
And what the blueberry theory basically says is that interdependent
people bring out the worst in each other because when
one person is doing poorly or failing or struggling, they
bring the other person down with them. You know. It's
(18:25):
kind of where the name comes from, is having like
a punnet of blueberries or strawberries, And if you've ever
had like one blueberry go bad and the punnet like
quickly the whole the rest of the blueberries become rotten.
And that is what the theory is saying. Is basically like,
if you are with a partner who does not encourage
you or celebrate you, or who does not want you
(18:46):
to succeed, it's not that they're rotten, but you know
their values are contagious and might end up spoiling your
own goals. And I know it's very easy to see
dating in our twenties is maybe lower stake, especially early
in our twenties, because we have a lot of time
to find the one and to explore and to get
your heart broken and whatever whatever that may be. But
(19:09):
really don't compromise on this one factor. If you're going
to be in a long term, committed relationship with somebody,
maybe you won't, But if you're going to, they better
think that you are fantastic and they better be in
your corner for everything that you do, especially especially during
such a formative decade for your identity and in which
we are growing our own self worth. We want to
(19:31):
build the skills and the community to succeed in whatever
it is we're doing. So quick recap of our red
flags so far. Number one, if they hold you back
from having important experiences, red flag. If they're creating emotional chaos,
red flag. And finally, if they don't celebrate or encourage
you huge red flag. We have two final points to
(19:56):
talk about today, the red flags for the relationships that
we haven' twenties, and we're going to return to those
plus a few maybe bonus signs bonus flags after this
short break. However, you want to think about your twenties,
whether this is a time to get serious about your
(20:18):
future or a time for freedom and the ability to
make mistakes and chase emotional highs and maybe lows. I
think that something we can all agree is that they
are not to be rushed, and that taking time to
know yourself and to know somebody else when you're dating
and in a relationship before making huge decisions about your
(20:40):
future is really important. I don't think that's a controversial
thing to say. So my fourth red flag for this
episode if the other person wants an all or nothing
relationship and wants it right away, or just wants a
relationship for the sake of a relationship, so as pushing
timeline red flag get out. Sometimes I think people like
(21:05):
the idea of love more than the person that they
think they are in love or with. To them, a
relationship is like a checkbox, right, something that needs to
be achieved in order to feel good about ourselves and
to move on to the next life chapter or the
next life stage. It just feels secure to be on
a relationship and to be like okay, yep, got that
all tied down. These are, unfortunately the people to avoid,
(21:28):
those who see their relationship with you as no more
than a commitment to maybe what the world expects of them,
what they think they should be doing in their twenties,
where the world expects them to be by a certain age,
you know, in love, living together, cut dog, home ownership,
all by the age of thirty, and so they rush it.
They rush it without respecting the need to get to
(21:48):
know each other or the value of a slow burn
or a slowmance. For some people, that is the path
that they choose to take. So I don't necessarily think
this is a red flag if you're on the same
page about the pace of your relationship, right, like, if
you're both in mutual agreement of like, yes, we are
in love and obsessed with each other and like let's
move in. You know, I can't say if that's a
(22:09):
mistake or not, because it's up to you. And if
you're both feeling that way, that's great. But I think
you need to let that happen organically and when it
feels right, rather than feel like you're being rushed into
something rather than feeling like the commitment is happening faster
than the getting to no usage. So if this person
is coming into the relationship wanting everything all at once,
(22:30):
I think there is probably some deeper psychological or subconscious
motivation that is happening there, and maybe they don't even
know it yet. Maybe it does have to do with
their attachment style, maybe it does have to do with
past relationship hurt or trauma, but it definitely needs further exploring.
Here's why I think that this is a warning sign
in my eyes, Why it qualifies as a red flag. Firstly,
(22:54):
it comes off as being very similar to love bombing.
Love bombing if you have listen to the episode that
we did on this a little while back, it basically
involves huge grand gestures and over the top displays of
love and affection as an artificial way to speed up
the relationship timeline and to really hook line and sinker you,
(23:14):
to really get you attached, you know, saying that they
love you after date too, moving in after date four,
that kind of thing, And sometimes that promise of exclusivity
and commitment can be really nice if you've been let
down by a few duds or people who never give
you what you want. But it can also be an
indication of someone who is just addicted to the intensity
(23:35):
of a relationship in those early days, or who is
trying to manipulate and control the situation, or who is
actually quite emotionally immature, has an anxious attachment style, so
they're trying to lock you down asap. It's just something
to be aware of. When we are in these situations,
we sometimes lose who we are. It can become very controlling,
(23:56):
it can disconnect you, and I think it doesn't leave
much space for you to actually think through what you
might want, not just from a relationship in your twenties,
but what you might want from your future. So the
other red flag or the other worry that this red
flag alerts me to, is this kind of relationship that
(24:17):
really burns way too bright. And the relationships that burn
very bright burn very quickly, and we get very wrapped
up in the promise and the extremes, and that can
come crashing down. And I think if you have built
everything around being with this person, if everything has just
happened so quickly, it can be incredibly disruptive and shocking
(24:39):
when suddenly that is over, So it's okay to just
pause and slow down. You know, if they are the one,
you will spend the rest of your life together. You know,
if they are the one to worry about rushing it,
the future is always going to be there. But if
they cannot take over for an answer, if they cannot
respect your timeline, I would say, get out. You know,
(25:02):
I get it. In our thirties or our forties, when
some of those milestones have a bit more of a
crunch period, maybe we are better able to understand what
we want. I get maybe the timeline's being a bit
more accelerated, But not in our twenties, Not in our twenties. Okay,
our final A red flag for today number five? You
(25:23):
just feel like different people, and from the beginning you
want them to change something fundamental or crucial about themselves. Now,
this isn't a red flag in that it doesn't necessarily
indicate that the other person is going to I don't know,
ruin your life. It's more of an orange flag that
this relationship and this person isn't right for you and
ignoring that for too long, investing more and more time
(25:47):
and energy into trying to make it work, into quote
unquote fixing all these huge gaps and your personalities and
your interests and your values is eventually going to lead
you nowhere, and it may even lead to some regrets.
Think about it in this way, you wouldn't want to
be with somebody who had this small seed in the
back of their heads at all time that they wanted
(26:09):
to alter something about you. So I do think that
it's a bit unfair to It's unfair to everybody to
pursue a relationship with somebody who is always going to
create friction. There's always going to be a friction between
what you expect from them and what they're actually able
to give. Obviously, I think different is good. Different is
(26:30):
new perspectives, Different is new places, new beliefs, new opinions,
new memories. And you know, if both of you want
to keep it casual and you want to learn from
each other, go for it. But when it comes to
a serious relationship, like and I'm all in for you,
You're all in for me kind of relationship, if there
is a fundamental difference that feels like this bruise, a
(26:51):
bruise on your partnership, a bruise on your connection that
never goes away and that you keep you know, pushing
and prodding, and it keeps stinging and flaring up and
you just can never resolve it. Maybe they are not
the one, and maybe you are better off being single
for a little bit. I know that might be something
that's hard to hear in those situations when you are
(27:13):
unsure and perhaps ignoring a real emotional and deeper psychological
signal or clue from within that you need to move on.
I do have a very deep belief if you can't
already tell that we are better off alone ninety nine
percent of the time during our twenties, with ninety nine
percent of the people that we come across. If we
are given the option to stay single or to be
(27:33):
in a relationship, you should stay single because anything a
relationship can give you, you can give those yourself, those
same things plus even greater realizations and an even greater
dedication to your growth and to your identity and to
your friends and to your goals. So the only person
that I think worth not so much in losing, but
(27:54):
the only person worth switching from single to being in
a relationship and perhaps losing out on some of those things.
The only person that it's worth doing that for is
somebody who is pretty dang good and somebody who you
are not one hundred percent sure of, because I don't
think you can never be one hundred percent sure, but
who you are like, really fascinated by and who was
(28:14):
obviously providing you with a really safe and comfortable foundation
to grow, and who you aren't spending time being wanting
to change. You know, who aren't just in a relationship
with for the sake of being in a relationship if
you were two to three six months in and you
were waiting for them to shift or change. I just
don't think that will ever happen. And there was a
(28:36):
study done by Business Insider last year which said, of
all the reasons people break up that don't have to
do with ghastly things like cheating or bad behaviors, the
number one culprit is that they ignored the incompatibilities early on.
You want kids, they never wanted them. You were a workaholic,
they wanted a slower life. You know, she was really
(29:00):
into drinking and partying, and that just wasn't who you were.
It's an incompatibility that is the orange flag. You know,
two truly nice, lovely people can be in a relationship
together and it could just not work out because they
don't mesh in what they need from each other, and
they're kind of playing a tug of war. Are you
going to change? Or am I who's going to shift here?
(29:21):
That's what I'm a really amazing doctor. Doctor Susan South
from Podu University, she had to say about that. She
called it a tug of war, a tug of war
between two people who want to be themselves in a
relationship but perhaps acknowledge that they might have to give
up something they really care about to be with this
person and questioning whether that's worth it. I don't think
(29:42):
that it is. Relationships take up so much time and
they're an investment. So please, please do not think this
valuable energy and space that you have in your life
right now to something that doesn't feel right, especially during
this period in our lives, when there are so many
situations and events and emotion, even the hard ones that
(30:02):
we would get the privilege to experience solo and that
we could really grow through. So I want to include
some final lightning round red flags that are perhaps a
bit more obvious for relationships in our twenties. Obviously, there
are some that are crucial no matter what I think
I said them before, but just to clear it up,
you know, narcissism, abusive behavior, lying, all those things that
(30:22):
we would typically think of, they are for every decade,
but in our twenties, I think a lack of personal
boundaries and not wanting to spend time apart that is
a huge red flag. Make sure that you get the
chance to be a free bird. Sometimes you know, you
don't get these years back. I think it's very similar
to the first red flag. You still want to be yourself,
(30:43):
you still want to have things that are separate from them.
I think it's really valuable. If they are extremely jealous
and possessive, that is gross at any age. Get out.
If they are financially irresponsible and they go on to
lie about it or they want your help, run for
the hills, run for the hills.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
You know.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
Sometimes people just aren't the best with money. Perhaps they
didn't have the greatest financial literacy. That is not the
same as being financially irresponsible and being completely what's the
word just completely dangerous about it or completely destructive about
it and getting somebody that you care about involved, you know,
(31:25):
I think they can recognize that there's a problem and
hopefully fix it. And I think the final thing to
just remember is are you on the same page about
what you actually want? It doesn't matter how you choose
to date in your twenties, whether you like casual dating,
whether you like committed dating, whether you like polyamory, whether
you like just sex, it doesn't matter. It's all up
to you. But just remember respect, communication, honesty, and insincerity,
(31:50):
but also that the other person is gentle and is
just kind. That is a must, That is an absolute must.
So thank you so much for listening to today's episode.
As we run through some of the red flags. There
may not have been some that you would think should
make this list. Maybe I didn't include some that you
thought were quite obvious. So if you have some additional contributions,
(32:13):
please feel free to DM me at that Psychology podcast
and I'll share them on my Instagram because I feel
like the more the merrier. If there is something that
you have learned from your experience dating in your twenties,
whether that was committed or uncommitted, I would love to
hear from you and make sure that you are following
along wherever you are listening right now, Spotify, Apple Podcasts,
(32:34):
wherever it is. Make sure you never miss another episode.
And if you did enjoy this episode, feel free to
share it with a friend or leave a five star review.
And as always, until next time, stay safe, be kind,
and of course be gentle with yourself and look out
for these red flags for your own sake, and we
will talk soon.
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:26):
Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
you are in the world, it is so great to
have you here back for another episode as we of
course break down the psychology.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Of our twenties. You know, I truly believe that this
decade is such a sacred time for every single one
of us. There is something kind of magical about being
this young and chaotic but also so focused on the future,
gaining self awareness, wanting to get the most out of
life's experiences, kind of grown up, kind of still young,
(01:00):
still knowing you've kind of still excited. There is just
so much to learn, so much to learn, especially about ourselves,
and there's these huge life changing moments of growth and
wonder and joy, and also these huge relationships. A big
part of this whole experience of this decade. Something that
really makes and breaks our years and our months as
twenty something year olds is who we choose to date,
(01:22):
who we fall for who we spend our time with,
you know, romantically, whether that's in a committed sense or not,
the people that we presume. I think that if you
ask most of us in this decade, what is one
of the things that you think the most about or
which has the biggest impact on your experiences and your
mood and so much else, it would be love, and
(01:44):
it would be relationships, and it would be dating, and
it's honestly such a formative part of these years. But
not all relationships are meant to be, and they're not
always beneficial to this like journey of discovery that we've
got going on in our twenties, not always who we need.
Sometimes being in love and having fun just isn't enough,
(02:06):
especially when there are some pretty huge signs that this
relationship might not be going anywhere, It might be costing
you a lot more than you thought it would be.
It might actually be jeopardizing some of the experiences that
you have in this period of life, or jeopardizing part
of your identity or your personhood in general. And I
(02:27):
think one of the big regrets that a lot of
people have, or something that we think that we're going
to regret, we fear, is being in our late twenties
early thirties and realizing that we ignored red flags in
our relationship or we continue to pursue people who weren't
good for us, and we really should have been alone,
and we really should have been with somebody better. And
(02:48):
that's what I want to talk about today. What are
the red flags specifically for relationships in our twenties that
we need to look out for. What are the warning
signs that something is off in a relationationship or about
a person. You know, I think we all understand what
red flags are. They are essentially these things that should
cause us to break things off with somebody. And there
(03:11):
are a lot of red flags that are pretty universal.
If they're jealous, if they treat you poorly, if they
don't communicate or support you, if they love bomb you,
if they're narcissistic. These are really true no matter where
you are, your gender, and most specifically your age. But
there are some red flags that I think are specifically
valuable to be aware of during this decade. They're a
bit more nuanced, They're a bit more specific to the
(03:34):
life stage and the period that we're in and the
experiences that we're having. And I think My biggest guiding
philosophy that I had when thinking about these five big
red flags was that the relationship with the right person
during this decade can really elevate the experiences that you're
having in your twenties, But with the wrong person you
are much better experiencing everything by yourself or with your
(03:57):
friends or accompanied by family, your platonic love. Then spending
these years hoping somebody's going to change with the wrong
person in the wrong relationship. There is I think a
very fine line and an important line between wanting to
experience love but then also knowing that you would benefit
(04:18):
from being single. And that's what I want to talk
about today. What are the red flags that we should
look out for. What are the situations that we don't
want to get stuck in. What are some of the
things that we might realize will inevitably cost us so
that we will inevitably regret about the relationships that we
(04:38):
have in our twenties. We have so much to cover, So,
without further ado, my lovely listeners, let's get into it.
Let's start this off strong. If there was just one
red flag on this list and none other, no other
red flags, personally, this would be my number one as
(04:59):
it relates to our twe so our number one red flag.
If they hold you back from having experiences, especially the
kind of experiences that create memories that are going to
last longer than that relationship, that is not the right
relationship for you. Listen, everyone is in a different stage.
But if you have big dreams of moving overseas or
(05:19):
traveling for three months, or starting your own business or
solo hiking or whatever it is, please, please, please, please,
don't give that up for a relationship. A good relationship
should allow you to be all of those things and more.
You should feel secure enough in that connection and in
the stability of your partnership to be an independent person.
(05:40):
Because you don't get this time back, you might not
get this opportunity again. You may never be where you
are now. You may never be prepared to seek out
this adventure and take that risk. And if you wait
for when your partner is ready, or you hold off
because somebody you're dating doesn't want to go or doesn't
want you to go, which is even worse, I'm telling
(06:03):
you right now, you will regret that. And the reason
that I know this is because there have been studies
on this very thing. Saying no or not making a
decision leads to so much more long term regret than
saying yes, even if by saying yes you end up
losing out on something else, because that experience, those memories
(06:24):
will make up for what it is that you might lose.
They will last so much longer, they will be such
a source of joy, and they will just be at
evidence that despite the barriers, despite everything telling you to
stay with this person, to stay safe, to stay comfortable,
you did it. Anyways, some of the most enduring regrets
(06:46):
that people have at the end of their life, and
which they tell people who do studies on this, they
stem from actions not taken. And the right kind of
love will accommodate your dreams. The worst kinds of love
will restrict you, will want to keep you small. So
when I first started dating my boyfriend, like three months in,
(07:06):
I kind of sat him down and said, basically, if
I wasn't dating you, I wouldn't be in Australia. I
had these plans that in six months time, like at
the end of the year, that I was going to
move overseas, And I used to kind of always joke
with people when we first met that it was like
such terrible timing to meet somebody so wonderful to me,
(07:28):
like the love of my life. Like part of me
was like, oh my gosh, why didn't I meet him
like a year earlier, when everything was still up in
the air. Why you know, why did I meet him
in two years time when I'd gone and done and
done those things. And I did have a moment of
being like, I don't want to give my dreams up
for this guy who only three months ago was a stranger.
(07:49):
And so I talked to him about it. I said,
you know, I really want to live overseas and I
really really like you. I don't know if I loved
him at that point, but I was like, I really
enjoy our relationship, but you know, this is kind of
a deal break it for me. And you know what
he said, He said, Okay, let's make a timeline. If
this is an experience that you want to have to
live overseas for a year or two, let's make it happen.
(08:12):
And if you want to go now, let's make it work.
And that was a huge green flag. It was like
a respect for the fact that my life existed beyond
our relationship, and he really appreciated my dreams, and he
appreciated appreciated my dreams not just for my life, but
for my twenties. You know, I'm somebody who thinks about
their twenties a lot, and who thinks about getting the
most out of this decade so much. And I think
(08:34):
that I couldn't be with somebody who didn't appreciate what
I wanted to experience in the life I wanted wanted
to live. So if someone doesn't respect those things, if
they hold you back, if they make you feel insecure
about doing the things that you want to do, if
they don't want you to do them without them, I
just think that that shouldn't impede your decision making and
(08:56):
that you should be free to be a person before
you are a partner, to have a life before you
have a relationship. So red flag number two, they are
not the one if they are causing you intense emotional chaos.
There is a really fine balance between someone who is
exciting and exhilarating and someone who is going to absolutely
(09:18):
destroy everything in your life your self esteem, your values,
your self confidence, and that can take a long time
to repair. So there was this study in twenty nineteen
that examined this very thing. They examined romantic relationships in
emerging adulthood and emerging adulthood is this period between eighteen
and twenty nine. And what this research suggested was that
(09:40):
romantic relationships during this period that are unpredictable, that are
disruptive or distressing, they can actually cause significant changes in
our mood, significant changes in our interest in life. They
can reduce our positive emotions, and they can reduce our
sense of stable self worth. And that impact doesn't disappear
(10:01):
when we leave the relationship either. It can linger, sometimes
for years. So let me explain by what I mean
by intense emotional chaos, and if you relate to any
of these things, see it as a red flag. So
feeling good about the relationship one day and then terrible
the next, without any explanation as to why, never knowing
(10:23):
what to expect from the other person, your emotions are
out of control when it comes to this person or
your relationship, Crying over this person in your relationship sometimes
without any given reason, Feeling nauseous or anxious about the future,
not feeling like yourself if your friends notice that you've
changed or you're less in touch with yourself, or your
(10:44):
upset feeling the need to kind of completely explode your
life because of them. That is the intense emotional chaos
that I'm talking about. There are a few kinds of
relationships that I think create this reaction for starters, you know,
relationship with people who are just simply manipulative or breadcrumbing you,
or who aren't right for you. And in our deepest
(11:06):
of hearts, we know that that often elicits this reaction.
But the biggest one, that is very so uniquely twenty
something is situationships. These half baked pseudo relationships that leave
you feeling uneasy and unsure of what actually to expect,
unsure of what's actually going on, and very convoluted. Situationships
(11:29):
by nature are chaotic because whilst you're in them, they
neither have a future or an end, so they are
constantly suspended in this emotional limbo. And I think whilst
our natural instinct is to bond and attach to this person,
because we are connecting with them, we are building memories
with them, we are sharing time with them, the lack
(11:51):
of a label or exclusivity creates this very logical and
rational understanding that we shouldn't be doing that, but our
emotional biological urge is doing so anyways. So basically what
I'm saying is that you end up getting attached whether
you want to or not. These situations can be so intense.
(12:12):
I do really feel for anyone who was going through
this at the moment. Back in like twenty twenty one,
I was in this like six month relationship with this
guy after the end of my first big long term relationship,
and it was like a complete rollercoaster and it was
a complete disaster, and throughout the experience it was a
state of emotional chaos. I lost a big part of myself.
(12:34):
I lost friends, and I lost my sense of self respect,
and to be honest, I think I lost a bit
of my healthy perspective on love, and it took a
while to recover. It took a while to unlearn what
I had implicitly learned about myself and about others because
of that situation. Nowadays, I definitely value what I went
through because it taught me things about myself that I
(12:57):
never would have learned. But I would have preferred to
learn them are in a different way rather than going
through that. And the biggest red flag for me should
have been the emotional chaos I was experiencing at the beginning,
but because I was in such a self destructive place,
and I'll be the first to admit it, the anxiety,
the ups and downs, the jitters that you know, that
(13:18):
was my intuition telling me to break it off. But
those JITs, those experiences, this emotion, it felt fun and
it felt exciting, and I didn't know how to identify
what I was going through. Maybe it's a rite of passage.
I don't know. Maybe a lot of people you have
to have a relationship like this in your twenties. It
(13:39):
seems like a lot of us have. But I also think,
save the suffering, save the misery, save yourself the time
and the inevitable explosion three months, six months later, and
try and notice those feelings when they first occur. So
red flag number three a little bit different from that
last one. They don't celebrate you or encourage you. Now,
(14:03):
this is problematic to me for quite a few reasons.
Number one, quite frankly, you just deserve someone who thinks
you are incredible. And I think that being celebratory and
encouraging somebody is just part of being a good partner.
So it kind of shows that they aren't that. And
number two, it is part of a healthy partnership and
it shows their commitment to your growth, which is also
(14:24):
a great green flag. Number three, if they aren't celebrating
you now, don't expect that to change in the future.
So I always say, how the relationship begins, it's how
it ends. If it has begun with a complete deficit
in them feeling proud of you or them wanting to
express happiness for you, that's not going to change. And
(14:46):
number four, which is similar to number two, actually comes
down to a theory known as the Michelangelo theory, which
states that our close partners sculpt us into hopefully becoming
the best versions of ourselves by implicitly promoting and encouraging
our best traits and inhibiting the things that hold us back.
(15:08):
The reason that it's called the Michelangelo phenomena is after
the artist and the sculptor who would make these beautiful
creations from marble. And that is what a good partner
can do to you. It's not that they are like
intentionally chipping away and trying to make you a better
person or make you into the version of you that
they like. It's more that the right person encourages the
(15:31):
things that you really like about yourself and helps you
become the version of you that you have chosen to become,
or who is within you. One way that they do
that is through encouragement and celebration, which, as the theory
would suggest, pushes us towards our ideal selves. We obviously
care about our partner's opinions, and we trust what they
(15:52):
say and what they think. And if they are the
ones who are like, yeah, that was a really great
job that you went to the gym today, we feel
really great when they say that they encourage us to
go back to school, or if they encourage us to
pursue our dreams, that is quite motivating. And if your
partner is not doing that, especially now, especially in your twenties,
I think that that is something that isn't going to change,
(16:13):
and perhaps it's preventing you from living up to your potential.
You know. Also, I just think that naturally, if you
love somebody, if you care about them, you want you
do care about their future, and you do care about
their goals and their pursuits, and you do want them
to improve the way that they see fit. I think
(16:37):
we often think about our goals and our dreams is
quite a solitary affair, especially during this decade when we're
just getting started. You know, it all comes down to
our discipline and our commitment, and our intelligence and our
creativity and the hours that we are putting into something.
But this theory really suggests that the opposite is true,
that actually it does take a village, and it's the
(16:57):
people closest to us who have the biggest influence on
whether we succeed in our dreams or whether we don't.
There's also additional research that shows that having an equally
motivated partner who encourages you and celebrates you, but also
is equally productive and equally pursuing a sense of satisfaction
and fulfillment in their lives will help you be a
(17:19):
better person. It's called social contagion. That's what we call
it in psychology. You've probably heard the quote, you know
you are the product of the five piece people closest
to you, and that's what this idea of social contagion reflects.
Your partner is definitely one of those five right, And
the older we get, the further we get into our
twenties and even our thirties, and our forties, they normally
(17:42):
become the number one. So if they aren't in your corner,
if you have a big when at work and they
brush past it, if you like set a pr at
the gym and it's not something that they care about
or they're even interested in, sometimes their disinterests can actually
work as a form of negative reinforcement, and it can
discourage you from continuing to pursue your goals. You know,
(18:04):
the opposite of the Michelangelo phenomenon is actually the blueberry phenomena.
And what the blueberry theory basically says is that interdependent
people bring out the worst in each other because when
one person is doing poorly or failing or struggling, they
bring the other person down with them. You know. It's
(18:25):
kind of where the name comes from, is having like
a punnet of blueberries or strawberries, And if you've ever
had like one blueberry go bad and the punnet like
quickly the whole the rest of the blueberries become rotten.
And that is what the theory is saying. Is basically like,
if you are with a partner who does not encourage
you or celebrate you, or who does not want you
(18:46):
to succeed, it's not that they're rotten, but you know
their values are contagious and might end up spoiling your
own goals. And I know it's very easy to see
dating in our twenties is maybe lower stake, especially early
in our twenties, because we have a lot of time
to find the one and to explore and to get
your heart broken and whatever whatever that may be. But
(19:09):
really don't compromise on this one factor. If you're going
to be in a long term, committed relationship with somebody,
maybe you won't, But if you're going to, they better
think that you are fantastic and they better be in
your corner for everything that you do, especially especially during
such a formative decade for your identity and in which
we are growing our own self worth. We want to
(19:31):
build the skills and the community to succeed in whatever
it is we're doing. So quick recap of our red
flags so far. Number one, if they hold you back
from having important experiences, red flag. If they're creating emotional chaos,
red flag. And finally, if they don't celebrate or encourage
you huge red flag. We have two final points to
(19:56):
talk about today, the red flags for the relationships that
we haven' twenties, and we're going to return to those
plus a few maybe bonus signs bonus flags after this
short break. However, you want to think about your twenties,
whether this is a time to get serious about your
(20:18):
future or a time for freedom and the ability to
make mistakes and chase emotional highs and maybe lows. I
think that something we can all agree is that they
are not to be rushed, and that taking time to
know yourself and to know somebody else when you're dating
and in a relationship before making huge decisions about your
(20:40):
future is really important. I don't think that's a controversial
thing to say. So my fourth red flag for this
episode if the other person wants an all or nothing
relationship and wants it right away, or just wants a
relationship for the sake of a relationship, so as pushing
timeline red flag get out. Sometimes I think people like
(21:05):
the idea of love more than the person that they
think they are in love or with. To them, a
relationship is like a checkbox, right, something that needs to
be achieved in order to feel good about ourselves and
to move on to the next life chapter or the
next life stage. It just feels secure to be on
a relationship and to be like okay, yep, got that
all tied down. These are, unfortunately the people to avoid,
(21:28):
those who see their relationship with you as no more
than a commitment to maybe what the world expects of them,
what they think they should be doing in their twenties,
where the world expects them to be by a certain age,
you know, in love, living together, cut dog, home ownership,
all by the age of thirty, and so they rush it.
They rush it without respecting the need to get to
(21:48):
know each other or the value of a slow burn
or a slowmance. For some people, that is the path
that they choose to take. So I don't necessarily think
this is a red flag if you're on the same
page about the pace of your relationship, right, like, if
you're both in mutual agreement of like, yes, we are
in love and obsessed with each other and like let's
move in. You know, I can't say if that's a
(22:09):
mistake or not, because it's up to you. And if
you're both feeling that way, that's great. But I think
you need to let that happen organically and when it
feels right, rather than feel like you're being rushed into
something rather than feeling like the commitment is happening faster
than the getting to no usage. So if this person
is coming into the relationship wanting everything all at once,
(22:30):
I think there is probably some deeper psychological or subconscious
motivation that is happening there, and maybe they don't even
know it yet. Maybe it does have to do with
their attachment style, maybe it does have to do with
past relationship hurt or trauma, but it definitely needs further exploring.
Here's why I think that this is a warning sign
in my eyes, Why it qualifies as a red flag. Firstly,
(22:54):
it comes off as being very similar to love bombing.
Love bombing if you have listen to the episode that
we did on this a little while back, it basically
involves huge grand gestures and over the top displays of
love and affection as an artificial way to speed up
the relationship timeline and to really hook line and sinker you,
(23:14):
to really get you attached, you know, saying that they
love you after date too, moving in after date four,
that kind of thing, And sometimes that promise of exclusivity
and commitment can be really nice if you've been let
down by a few duds or people who never give
you what you want. But it can also be an
indication of someone who is just addicted to the intensity
(23:35):
of a relationship in those early days, or who is
trying to manipulate and control the situation, or who is
actually quite emotionally immature, has an anxious attachment style, so
they're trying to lock you down asap. It's just something
to be aware of. When we are in these situations,
we sometimes lose who we are. It can become very controlling,
(23:56):
it can disconnect you, and I think it doesn't leave
much space for you to actually think through what you
might want, not just from a relationship in your twenties,
but what you might want from your future. So the
other red flag or the other worry that this red
flag alerts me to, is this kind of relationship that
(24:17):
really burns way too bright. And the relationships that burn
very bright burn very quickly, and we get very wrapped
up in the promise and the extremes, and that can
come crashing down. And I think if you have built
everything around being with this person, if everything has just
happened so quickly, it can be incredibly disruptive and shocking
(24:39):
when suddenly that is over, So it's okay to just
pause and slow down. You know, if they are the one,
you will spend the rest of your life together. You know,
if they are the one to worry about rushing it,
the future is always going to be there. But if
they cannot take over for an answer, if they cannot
respect your timeline, I would say, get out. You know,
(25:02):
I get it. In our thirties or our forties, when
some of those milestones have a bit more of a
crunch period, maybe we are better able to understand what
we want. I get maybe the timeline's being a bit
more accelerated, But not in our twenties, Not in our twenties. Okay,
our final A red flag for today number five? You
(25:23):
just feel like different people, and from the beginning you
want them to change something fundamental or crucial about themselves. Now,
this isn't a red flag in that it doesn't necessarily
indicate that the other person is going to I don't know,
ruin your life. It's more of an orange flag that
this relationship and this person isn't right for you and
ignoring that for too long, investing more and more time
(25:47):
and energy into trying to make it work, into quote
unquote fixing all these huge gaps and your personalities and
your interests and your values is eventually going to lead
you nowhere, and it may even lead to some regrets.
Think about it in this way, you wouldn't want to
be with somebody who had this small seed in the
back of their heads at all time that they wanted
(26:09):
to alter something about you. So I do think that
it's a bit unfair to It's unfair to everybody to
pursue a relationship with somebody who is always going to
create friction. There's always going to be a friction between
what you expect from them and what they're actually able
to give. Obviously, I think different is good. Different is
(26:30):
new perspectives, Different is new places, new beliefs, new opinions,
new memories. And you know, if both of you want
to keep it casual and you want to learn from
each other, go for it. But when it comes to
a serious relationship, like and I'm all in for you,
You're all in for me kind of relationship, if there
is a fundamental difference that feels like this bruise, a
(26:51):
bruise on your partnership, a bruise on your connection that
never goes away and that you keep you know, pushing
and prodding, and it keeps stinging and flaring up and
you just can never resolve it. Maybe they are not
the one, and maybe you are better off being single
for a little bit. I know that might be something
that's hard to hear in those situations when you are
(27:13):
unsure and perhaps ignoring a real emotional and deeper psychological
signal or clue from within that you need to move on.
I do have a very deep belief if you can't
already tell that we are better off alone ninety nine
percent of the time during our twenties, with ninety nine
percent of the people that we come across. If we
are given the option to stay single or to be
(27:33):
in a relationship, you should stay single because anything a
relationship can give you, you can give those yourself, those
same things plus even greater realizations and an even greater
dedication to your growth and to your identity and to
your friends and to your goals. So the only person
that I think worth not so much in losing, but
(27:54):
the only person worth switching from single to being in
a relationship and perhaps losing out on some of those things.
The only person that it's worth doing that for is
somebody who is pretty dang good and somebody who you
are not one hundred percent sure of, because I don't
think you can never be one hundred percent sure, but
who you are like, really fascinated by and who was
(28:14):
obviously providing you with a really safe and comfortable foundation
to grow, and who you aren't spending time being wanting
to change. You know, who aren't just in a relationship
with for the sake of being in a relationship if
you were two to three six months in and you
were waiting for them to shift or change. I just
don't think that will ever happen. And there was a
(28:36):
study done by Business Insider last year which said, of
all the reasons people break up that don't have to
do with ghastly things like cheating or bad behaviors, the
number one culprit is that they ignored the incompatibilities early on.
You want kids, they never wanted them. You were a workaholic,
they wanted a slower life. You know, she was really
(29:00):
into drinking and partying, and that just wasn't who you were.
It's an incompatibility that is the orange flag. You know,
two truly nice, lovely people can be in a relationship
together and it could just not work out because they
don't mesh in what they need from each other, and
they're kind of playing a tug of war. Are you
going to change? Or am I who's going to shift here?
(29:21):
That's what I'm a really amazing doctor. Doctor Susan South
from Podu University, she had to say about that. She
called it a tug of war, a tug of war
between two people who want to be themselves in a
relationship but perhaps acknowledge that they might have to give
up something they really care about to be with this
person and questioning whether that's worth it. I don't think
(29:42):
that it is. Relationships take up so much time and
they're an investment. So please, please do not think this
valuable energy and space that you have in your life
right now to something that doesn't feel right, especially during
this period in our lives, when there are so many
situations and events and emotion, even the hard ones that
(30:02):
we would get the privilege to experience solo and that
we could really grow through. So I want to include
some final lightning round red flags that are perhaps a
bit more obvious for relationships in our twenties. Obviously, there
are some that are crucial no matter what I think
I said them before, but just to clear it up,
you know, narcissism, abusive behavior, lying, all those things that
(30:22):
we would typically think of, they are for every decade,
but in our twenties, I think a lack of personal
boundaries and not wanting to spend time apart that is
a huge red flag. Make sure that you get the
chance to be a free bird. Sometimes you know, you
don't get these years back. I think it's very similar
to the first red flag. You still want to be yourself,
(30:43):
you still want to have things that are separate from them.
I think it's really valuable. If they are extremely jealous
and possessive, that is gross at any age. Get out.
If they are financially irresponsible and they go on to
lie about it or they want your help, run for
the hills, run for the hills.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
You know.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
Sometimes people just aren't the best with money. Perhaps they
didn't have the greatest financial literacy. That is not the
same as being financially irresponsible and being completely what's the
word just completely dangerous about it or completely destructive about
it and getting somebody that you care about involved, you know,
(31:25):
I think they can recognize that there's a problem and
hopefully fix it. And I think the final thing to
just remember is are you on the same page about
what you actually want? It doesn't matter how you choose
to date in your twenties, whether you like casual dating,
whether you like committed dating, whether you like polyamory, whether
you like just sex, it doesn't matter. It's all up
to you. But just remember respect, communication, honesty, and insincerity,
(31:50):
but also that the other person is gentle and is
just kind. That is a must, That is an absolute must.
So thank you so much for listening to today's episode.
As we run through some of the red flags. There
may not have been some that you would think should
make this list. Maybe I didn't include some that you
thought were quite obvious. So if you have some additional contributions,
(32:13):
please feel free to DM me at that Psychology podcast
and I'll share them on my Instagram because I feel
like the more the merrier. If there is something that
you have learned from your experience dating in your twenties,
whether that was committed or uncommitted, I would love to
hear from you and make sure that you are following
along wherever you are listening right now, Spotify, Apple Podcasts,
(32:34):
wherever it is. Make sure you never miss another episode.
And if you did enjoy this episode, feel free to
share it with a friend or leave a five star review.
And as always, until next time, stay safe, be kind,
and of course be gentle with yourself and look out
for these red flags for your own sake, and we
will talk soon.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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