March 30, 2023 • 46 mins
Breakups and heartache are a universal experience in our 20’s. But what exactly happens to our minds, our bodies and our emotions at the end of a relationship? This week we will break down the psychology and the science behind breakups, heartbreak and moving on. We will explore the theory of withdrawal, stages of grief, conditioning and the psychology behind why ‘no contact’ really does work to hopefully provide some solace to all the heartbroken out there on what exactly a breakup does to our psychology.
Buy merch here: https://the-psychology-of-your-20s.myshopify.com/
Buy merch here: https://the-psychology-of-your-20s.myshopify.com/
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the podcast.
(00:26):
Welcome back to a new episode. New listeners, old listeners,
wherever you are in the world. I am so stoked
to have you here for perhaps my most highly requested
podcast episode of all time. Every week I receive so
many dms from people who have had their hearts absolutely shuttered,
(00:48):
who have been through the worst breakup of their lives,
who are grieving the end of a relationship, and today
we're going to tackle all of it. We're going to
discuss the nitty gritty science and research and psychology behind
our brains and our bodies and our emotions during a breakup,
(01:11):
why they leave such lasting emotional scars, and how we
can essentially move on and really begin to realize the
best versions of ourselves in the midst of heartache. On
a personal note, those who have listened to this show
for a while will know that this podcast emerged from
(01:34):
the ruins of a relationship, one that I had in
my early twenties and this show, this podcast, all that
it's become. It was kind of my savior, my little
passion project that got me through a rough time and
allowed me to really reclaim a lot of my identity
and my independence. And that very X actually came on
(01:55):
the show a few months back. But right as I
was beginning to heal from that breakup, I started seeing
someone else. I can safely say it was never very
serious in the way that my previous relationship was. I
never really dreamed of marrying this person, and you know,
God forbid having children with him, let alone a lease
(02:17):
or a mortgage. But when it came to an end,
it crushed me. It destroyed me in a way that
for the last eight to ten months I really never
thought I was going to recover from. It's really funny
how our brains take these intense romantic experiences and do
not let go. And I spent so many weeks and
(02:42):
months almost begging my mind to move on, to stop
obsessing and thinking about all the what ifs, And then
the other day a flip just kind of switched in
my brain. I was driving home from somewhere I don't
really remember where, and for all of my Taylor Swift
fans out there. The song clean came on honestly number
(03:05):
one breakup song, but I just had this weird epiphany
where I was like, Yeah, I'm ready to move on now,
and I'm ready to make this episode. I've read so
many books, I've done the research for my own sake,
I've done the work, been to therapy, consulted all of
my friends who would listen. So let's talk about it.
(03:26):
And I really want to talk to my fellow twenty
something year olds who are going through or have gone
through the exact same thing. Breakups are hard, They are
incredibly confusing and raw and terrible, but they are also
such a sacred time I think for self growth and
(03:47):
personal development. You know, I don't believe I would be
the person I am today without the formative breakups that
I've gone through in my twenties. They each have taught
me something so unique and completely diverted my life path.
It's also such a common pattern of behavior to leave
or exit a relationship and suddenly become like really obsessed
(04:11):
with the gym or your work. To find that you
have more time for your friends and for your family
and for yourself. And I believe it's because this experience
presents such a pivotal time to realize the best version
of yourself, even whilst we're still often hurting and grieving.
(04:33):
You know, two complex versions of ourselves too, emotional states
can exist at once. So what I want to do
today is break down that complexity and reveal what's really
going on neurologically and psychologically when our relationships come to
(04:55):
an end. We are going to cover what happens to
our brains in the weeks and months following a breakup,
why we react the way we do, why the experience
is so uniquely painful. We're going to discuss how we
can actually apply the stages of grief to the end
(05:15):
of a relationship, and why actually sometimes it's our shorter
relationships that can be so much more significant. Of course,
we can't talk about breakups without a discussion on heartbreak,
but also how we can move on and heal. What
advice does psychology have for us in those moments when
(05:39):
we are so done with the relationship, so ready to
move on, but still feel really stuck in the past
and in the memories of the person and what was
for my heartbroken people out there, for those on the
mend those who are grieving. This episode is for you.
(05:59):
I've been there, I know your pain, and I want
to give you the guidance and the advice that I
so wished that i'd had earlier. So, without further ado,
let's break down the psychology of breakups, the psychology of heartbreak,
and how to heal, how to flourish, how to let go.
(06:23):
I think that heartbreak is a universal experience for those
of us in our twenties. We spend this decade dating
and figuring out what we like, falling in love so
effortlessly and carelessly, believing that these characters are the loves
of our lives. And then one day it's all over,
(06:47):
and whether you were the one who ended things or not,
both parties are left picking up the pieces. It's an
incredibly powerful experience, sometimes life changing, always memorable. I think
evidence of that is how fascinated we are by the
end of relationships. We talk about it all the time,
(07:08):
we discuss it with our friends. People write some of
the greatest songs of all time on the back of
a bad breakup. Entire genres of movies and books and
televisions is created on the premise of heartache. And heartbreak
because the emotional and even physical impact is so profound
(07:29):
and significant. So what exactly goes on in our brains
at the end of a relationship? I think human connection
is incredibly beautiful and you love well, that's one of
the best feelings out there. Someone really argue it's our
entire reason for being to be seen by someone else
(07:50):
and cared for and understood. Well. Not only do I
hope that that's been everyone's experience, but it really does
change how our brain interprets the world. The saying goes
that love is a drug, but it's actually not just
a saying. It's very much true. Falling in love releases
(08:11):
so many powerful neurotransmitters and chemicals like dopamine, like serotonin,
like oxytocin, all of which are really important for pleasure
and passion, bonding, and other intense feelings. Researchers have found
that intense feelings of romantic love affect the brain in
(08:34):
the same way as powerful drugs. This professor doctor Helen Fisher.
She's an anthropologist and a relationship researcher. She conducted a
series of studies on this very interaction between our brain
chemistry and the feeling of love. Specifically, she found that
the same chemicals, that is, massive amounts of dopamine and
(08:58):
serotonin are in play, and many of the same brain
pathways and structures are active when we are falling in love,
as when we are enjoying a cocaine high. And we
all know that illegal drugs like cocaine are incredibly addictive,
and we can logic that love, given it activates many
of the same neurological reactions, is the same. You've probably
(09:23):
even felt those powerful effects our you know, the rose
tinted glasses as we call it, that are brought on
by this influx and this rush of chemicals in our brain.
So well, what happens when that source of our love,
often our relationship, and the validation and the warm gioey
(09:45):
feelings comes to an end. It's a sad reality. You know.
We go from talking to that person every day, from
celebrating our successes with them and warning our losses and
our failures. You know, we know every thing about them,
and when that's over, essentially our brain goes into withdrawal.
(10:06):
You've spent the last six months, the last five years,
however long it may be, receiving that stimulation and the
release of these powerful neurotransmitters and then it drops off
and the brain is left scrambling for more, trying to
re establish that sense of homeostasis and normalcy. So post breakup,
(10:32):
especially if you go no contact, which I would definitely
recommend and we'll talk about that later, but your brain
enters basically a state of acute wanting, and it makes
it really difficult for us to focus on anything other
than that person that we're missing. In fact, this relative
kind of deficit in the neurotransmitters associated with collegible feelings
(10:56):
and happiness, but also with that person. It can even
give eyes to symptoms that resemble clinical depression or withdrawal,
and that is the love withdrawal hypothesis. It explains why
we find that in the months after a breakup, we
just crave this person like they're a drug. We want
(11:18):
to call them for closure or whatever reason you give.
We become obsessed and unable to move on, but also
willing to do really stupid and wild things, just as
a person who is fighting a drug addiction would do.
Someone who is heartbroken obsesses and craves their X because
(11:39):
they are essentially kicking an addiction. That this person has
created for them a love addiction, a neurochemical addiction. That
is one possible theory that kind of explains why breakups
are so unpleasant, even when we know it was the
right decision and we are entirely rational that we have
(12:00):
no future with this person, that this needed to happen.
That doesn't lessen our neurological response. Logic doesn't supersede biology
in these instances. That was a huge struggle for me.
You know, I mentioned my last breakup and how much
it shook me up, But the hardest part of that
(12:21):
was knowing without a doubt that I could do better.
But my heart still hurts so deeply because my brain
was in the process of healing and healing an addiction
to this other person. This really links with another explanation.
I'm just realizing that there are so many cliche phrases
(12:42):
about breakups that we're talking about today. It was totally unintentional,
but I think it really goes to show how much
of our culture and our language is really influenced by
this experience. I'm sure we've all heard people talk about
the end of a relationship and say how the heart
is crushed or their heart is broken. We hear people
(13:05):
wail and sob and talk about, you know, this almost
physical pain that they're in. You know, you don't really
understand that pain until you've been through it, and we
often dismiss this level of suffering as overdramatic or exaggerated.
But the science shows that getting our heart broken is
(13:25):
very much comparable to real physical pain, much like breaking
an arm. This pain, it's not just in the body,
it's also in the mind. And that is especially the
case for an emotional pain as profound as detaching from
someone we were super attached to. MRI scans on the
(13:48):
brain have shown that the withdrawal of romantic love activates
the very same parts of the brain which are triggered
when you're in physical pain. Similar to the previous we
talked about. These researchers in the US, what they did
was they showed people pictures of their exes, and then
they looked at what areas of the brain lit up
(14:11):
compared to when they were shown neutral pictures of their
family or their friends. They compared these images of the
brain and what they found was it was really similar
to the brain scans and the brain images of people
who were undergoing a moderate to a severe amount of
physical pain. It revealed that our brain processes emotional pain
(14:35):
and the same areas in the same region as physical pain.
That's why, although there may not be something causing us
an explicit physical injury, we still feel the sting of
a breakup and the sting of heartbreak. Mentally, and actually,
to some extent, this experience may even mimic pain in
(14:57):
our bodies, physical pain that explain that ache in the
chest that is often so common, the loss of appetite,
the nausea, the fatigue, the activation of fight or flight
mode right after the end of a relationship. We talk
about this reaction quite a bit on the show. Our
(15:19):
flight or fight mode is essentially our body's unconscious and
automatic response to a perceived threat. When you go through
a breakup, especially one that's unexpected, your body may register
it as an emergency and go into fight or flight
mode or even a state of shock. Essentially, what our
body is doing is adjusting to a perceived threat to
(15:42):
our survival. Evolutionarily, abandonment by a mate signified danger, and
that instinct is still alive and still active in our bodies.
Being in this state triggers the release of hormones that
can prepare our body to deal with a threat or
(16:03):
to run to safety. It can also trigger that response
that we talked about, all of those physical symptoms. So
even though the heartbreak, the loss of this person, this partner,
may be in the mind, our body also feels it.
You know, we spend so much time learning this individual,
(16:23):
investing in the relationship, accepting their support and their validation,
building trust, and then subtly that is gone and we
don't know how to cope. We may even question how
we'll survive without them, and that triggers this very ancient
physical and cognitive reaction. This idea of a loss of
(16:46):
investment is another thing I really want to touch on.
Relationships can be incredibly fulfilling, but I think the older
we get, the later into our twenties, even into our
thirties or forties, the more we realize that they're also work.
A really valuable article written by Insider said this really perfectly,
so I have to share when you spend months or
(17:09):
years building your life with someone, breaking up with them
can feel like you've lost all of the emotional energy
and the material resources and the time you spent maintaining
that partnership. Relationships involve big investments from us, time away
from family, big feelings, attention, money, So losing a partner,
(17:35):
not through death or anything like that, breaking up with
them it can make you feel as though everything you've
put into that relationship was, at the end of the
day wasted. A reaction to this is that we can
become quite jaded. This was definitely my experience. I cannot
tell you the amount of times that I told my
(17:58):
friends I would never a date again. After every unsuccessful
relationship or situationship or date, I would just almost reinforce
this sense to myself that I was going to be
happy being alone, and I truly convinced myself of that,
But I think deep down I always knew that that
(18:19):
wasn't true. That I was jaded. We all want someone
who was our person despite being scared of being hurt again.
It was really important for me to realize that my
brain had subconsciously learned this connection between love and trust
and hurt through the repetition of these experiences from these
(18:42):
relationships that had gone wrong, or even in some instances
for others, just a seriously awful breakup can teach us this.
It's a theory known as classical conditioning. As humans, we
are primed to avoid pain and suffering, So if you've
had your heart absolutely shattered, we feel it's necessary to
(19:08):
avoid all romantic connection as a result, because we associate
it with being hurt. But that's really no way I
think to live your life. I think suffering and putting
yourself out there, being vulnerable, that brings growth, that brings change.
You honestly never know what a relationship is going to
(19:30):
do to you, and not in a bad way, in
a way that you never know what new door, new
chapter is going open. You really do have to take
the risk and learn the lessons along the way. I
saw this really interesting TikTok the other day, and I
think it relates really perfectly to this next theory I
want to touch on. Essentially, it explained this kind of
(19:53):
anecdotal idea or theory around the journey we go through
in the months after heartbreak. You know, we travel through
this period of grief, then we kind of try and
get back out there data round to have a few
unsuccessful experiences, and we hermit and her theory wasn't wrong.
It was kind of spot on our journey through a
(20:15):
breakup can actually be mapped on to the stages of
grief that psychologists typically used to explain our reaction to
death or the loss this psychiatrist Elizabeth Kobler Ross she
adapted this theory in the late sixties to talk about
the loss incurred by a breakup. Yes, that person is
(20:37):
still alive, they're not dead, but the relationship isn't and
I think it sometimes makes it more complicated, in my opinion,
knowing that that person is still out there, but for
whatever reason, you can't be together. I'm going to walk
us through each stage. If you're someone who has been
(20:58):
broken up with or you're going through a breakup in
the last twelve months or so, I want you to
listen closely here and see if you can identify yourself
in any of these stages. The first one is denial.
You know, those first few days after a breakup, you
can feel completely normal and fine, and people often come
(21:22):
to me and say, I just feel like I'm not
emotionally processing this. I literally feel nothing that is totally valid.
It's actually a really normal experience to be thinking, you know,
this is the best decision I've ever made. You throw
yourself back into socializing you feel fine. Well, that's probably denial,
(21:42):
and it's our brain's way of protecting us from immediate
emotional pain by suppressing our reaction until a few days
or even weeks have passed. During this stage, our reality
has shifted completely and it can take our minds some
time to really adjust to this new reality, these new circumstances.
(22:05):
And that's denial. That's where we almost I haven't really
processed what's happened. Life doesn't feel like it's changed much.
But for my heartbroken people out there, we know that
that doesn't last long before the anger sets in. Anger
is a completely normal reaction to extreme emotional discomfort, and
(22:29):
it often flows out of us a lot easier than
sadness because it's a fairly uncomplicated emotion. Anger, especially combative anger.
It also tends to be the first thing we actually
feel when we start releasing all those pent up emotions
associated with a breakup. I see this all the time
in friends of mine who have broken up with their partners.
(22:52):
It always starts really civil. They wish them the best,
they say they're fine, and then like three weeks in,
you start to hear the anger come through. You know,
the statements about how they were such a ship person,
how you know they never deserved them, or the stories
you've never heard before. The floodgates are opening, and anger
(23:16):
is the first emotion to be released. I think it's
best not to suppress this feeling, but let yourself feel
this emotion. You'll get through it. I think a lot
faster if you do. Don't do anything rash, but allow
yourself to feel angry. Bargaining you know, despite how cruel
or awful a person was, if we stayed with them
(23:40):
for long enough, the chances are that we were attached,
and as that attachment is put under pressure by distance,
we may find ourselves backsliding and contemplating whether this was
the right decision. This is where bargaining enters the breakup equation,
with thoughts like you know, if we get back together
(24:01):
a promise that I'll be a better person, or I'll
go to the gym, they'll want me back. Bargaining comes
from a feeling of helplessness, and it gives us a
perceived sense of control over the situation, regardless of whether
you actually were the one to end the relationship or not.
Sometimes we get to this point of feeling like everything
(24:23):
was our fault, and that we want to go back.
We want to change our emotional state. We don't want
to experience this pain anymore. We might look back at
our interactions with that person and realize all the times
that maybe we were in the wrong. I think that
we can't do better, and you know, sometimes we do
get back with this person, but the chances are that
(24:44):
if you're listening to this episode, that has not been
the case. And I saw this amazing quote the other
day for all my people who in my friends, who
are in the bargaining stage, if there was a reason
that you up in the first place, there's a reason
why you shouldn't get back together, Like you have to
(25:05):
really place yourself in that logical state of mind, as
hard as it is, there was a reason that relationship
didn't work, and that reason is a strong enough reason
to not contemplate getting back together with them. And I
think that's where we move on to the next stage,
which is depression. I have this theory that this stage
(25:27):
of the breakup, the depression stage, is really what people
envision when we talk about heartache or we talk about
a breakup. It's the misery, it's the two am tiers
along drives in your car, the breakup playlists, waiting for
a text back, the pain, all the hard stuff, all
the difficult emotions. During our experience of processing grief, there
(25:50):
comes a time when all of our emotions and our
imaginations and our bargaining begins to slow down and we
start to really understand the state and the situation that
we're in and kind of what we're faced with, which
is that this person is no longer part of your life,
(26:10):
and that's something that you really have to accept. So
in this stage of the breakup, I think we really
start to feel that reality a lot more abundantly. And
as we begin to contemplate questions like will I ever
see this person again? Or who am I if they're
not in my life? Will I ever experience love again?
All of those really existential questions, our circumstances begin to
(26:33):
become a lot more clear, and our loss becomes a
lot more unavoidable, and that sadness grows, and I think
that's when the actual hard work and the healing really begins.
In my most recent breakup, it was so strange. I
spent like the first four months being totally cool, totally okay,
I was like, Wow, this is the easiest thing I've
(26:56):
ever done. I'm so over this, and then it just
all crumbled in like a minute. There was like this
one day where this I just could feel myself entering
this stage and I just was like, oh my god,
this is where it begins. I think it's important to
note that the length and the intenseness of this stage
(27:17):
is different for everyone because we each have different preexisting
attachment styles, temperaments, and personalities. There are people out there
who can disconnect from a relationship just like that and
who appear to move on really quickly. And if you're
a sensitive person like me, sometimes that can really be
(27:39):
the hardest part, knowing that the other person has moved
on while you're still grieving and trying to process your emotions.
It's almost like a competition, like who can move on
the fastest, and when you're losing, it just feels really terrible.
It really makes us question whether what you had was real.
(28:00):
I promise you that it was. Let me just say,
if someone has appeared to move on, especially straight into
a new relationship, I promise you, I promise you that
they haven't moved on and they will be either single
in five months or you know, we'll have to deal
with the repercussions in their new relationship. It's not going
(28:23):
to be smooth sailing. The amount of people that I've
dated who have started seeing someone like two months after
we've broken up, and then like a year later, have
come crawling back is astounding, because you can't undo a
relationship with a click of your fingers. You're using someone
else as a distraction. And if you haven't taken the
(28:44):
time to properly journey through the stages of grief, if
you've skipped past that essential emotional work, you haven't accepted
what's happened, and you haven't fully processed your emotions or
what that relationship meant to you. So essentially what ends
up happening is you use someone else as a distraction
from the hard feelings. Five months later, six months later,
(29:08):
you're back at square one. I think what I'm essentially
trying to say is that these individuals they skip over
all the important parts and they don't process your emotions,
they don't process their emotions, and they just assume that
they've reached acceptance. And acceptance, of course, is the final stage.
(29:28):
If you've moved through all those other stages like this
isn't a past go situation. You have to go through it.
You have to go through the trenches. When we come
to a place of acceptance, it's not that we no
longer miss the person, that we no longer feel pain.
All that sadness and regret can still be present in
(29:50):
this phase, but you also start to feel at peace.
You rationally come back to yourself. You accept that it
is you know it is what it is, that it
happened for a reason, that it needed to happen. You
made the right choice, and you start looking forward and
maybe even dating again. But also more importantly, you forgive
yourself because you're now able to accurately reflect on the
(30:14):
relationship and see what went wrong. At this stage, I
think reconciliation is possible, but a warning to the wise.
I honestly don't think that you can be friends with
your ex. I don't think that reconciliation will work in
most cases. Like I said before, if you've been around
for a while, you'll know that I did an episode
(30:36):
on can Xes Be Friends featuring my ex boyfriend. Let
me just say that at the time, I had a
really positive outlook in that episode, but we're actually no
longer friends. I always thought that it would be possible,
but it's actually really hard to forget what you once
were to each other. Romantic attraction, physical attraction may fade,
but our bodies and our minds remember, and if both
(31:01):
individuals are not on the same page, it is never
going to work. You need to be completely and brutally
honest with yourself. If there is even the slightest desire
to get back together with this person, you're not ready.
You're not ready to reach out, you're not ready for
the closer conversation, you're not ready to talk. I hope
(31:24):
this has kind of given you, guys, a bit of
an insight into the hidden mechanisms of our pain. Regardless
of what stage you're in. Heartache is never easy. So
if you're listening to this for some sage psychological wisdom
on how to move on and fully let go, you
are in luck. Because that is what I want to
talk about next. In just a moment, there is the brutal,
(31:53):
honest truth. If you want to truly let go of
someone after the end of a relationship, you need to
disconnect from them entirely. It can be really easy to
keep touching base seeing each other after things have ended.
But I promise you that will only elongate the process
of emotional and physical detachment. All of the science and
(32:16):
the psychology says that the months after a breakup are,
in essence, a period of withdrawal. You're trying to eliminate
your brain's addiction to this person and the feeling that
they bring you. But if you keep finding ways to
see them, sleeping with them, talking, you give your brain
what we call invariable reward or reinforcement, which only promotes
(32:39):
the obsession and the difficulty in breaking things off completely.
Every time you see your ex, especially in a manner
that is reminiscent of your past romantic relationship, your brain
receives a dopamine hit, and it reinforces that pathway or
learned conditioning between this person and the warm, fuzzy feelings
(33:02):
that we receive. I hate to say it. I know
it's not always a popular opinion, but no contact truly
is your friend if your aim is to let go,
if your aim is to move on. From my own
personal experience, I know that decision is a lot harder
than the easier path of kind of keeping in touch,
(33:24):
But I promise you in three months time, you will
be thinking yourself. Because it's important to remember that breakups
aren't just social, they're not just emotional. They are neurological,
and your brain is the basis of your attachment and
your obsession with this person. So if you break the habit,
you'll find that you'll heal. Quicker block their number and
(33:47):
follow them right now. You don't need to see what
they're doing. You don't need to see what parties they're attending,
what people they're with. It's like scratching an itch. It
may feel good, but the sting will only back stronger later.
No contact is your friend. As hard as it may be,
we know from research at the end of a relationship
(34:09):
causes a plunge in dopamine and serotonin levels. Hence, while
we often enter I think a pretty dark state in
many ways that kind of mimics even the symptoms of depression. Additionally,
I think exposure to our past memories with someone and
their images or thoughts of them it activates some of
(34:29):
the very same brain regions that interpret and process physical pain,
like we talked about before. So how do we minimize
these physiological symptoms that often draw us back into connecting
with our exes. You need to find a source of
dopamine and happiness that has absolutely nothing to do with
(34:50):
that person. You need to find a replacement for the
deficit that they've left you in, and it's kind of
up to you. But I would say something like watching
te or napping that's a temporary fix. What we want
is an activity that creates long term gratification. One of
my friends got super into doing triathlons and rock climbing
(35:13):
after she split from her partner. She was honestly so
jacked by the end of it, but it was also
something that really gave her a sense of purpose and
a sense of self beyond the relationship. Something like joining
a sports club, a social sports team, and art class, gardening,
miniature trains. You know, honestly, it doesn't really matter as
(35:35):
long as it makes you happy, and crucially, you're able
to enter a flow state, a state of complete calm
and focus and excitement when you're participating. That is what's
most important. That you're able to reconnect with yourself, you're
able to increase those dopamine levels without needing the other person.
(36:00):
But I would also say bonus points if it involves
being able to meet new people and hopefully new friends
who have no idea who your ex is, who are
not friends with your ex, who only know you as yourself.
I think one of the major difficulties moving on from
a relationship is how conflated our individual identities become with
(36:24):
someone else's. So finding new people, new hobbies, and new
facets of yourself that have absolutely nothing to do with
that other person it really does help aid your healing
journey and reconnect you with your essence, with your personal
sense of identity, and with your own self worth and
(36:44):
your own value. A lot of these tips may sound
like avoidance or distraction, you know, cutting off your ex completely,
diving into your new sport and your new friendships, but
there is something really important about just allowing yourself to
feel self pity and to wallow. The people I know
who try really hard to pretend like they're all right
(37:05):
and move on really quickly, you know four months later
they're the ones who suffer the most and who hurt
the longest. Because suppression, which is what they're doing, is
an unhealthy coping mechanism, and all it does is prolongedly inevitable.
You need to break down. You need to cry, you
need to wish you'd never met them, and swear to
(37:27):
your friends you'll never date again. Trust me, it's a
right of passage to really feel your emotions. You know,
you don't need to get lost in it. It's all
with moderation. But I think importantly, while you're going through this,
make sure you create a safe space to really feel
what you're feeling, to really, Like I said, Wallow, I
(37:52):
do this thing where every time a relationship ends, I
grow to Queensland, which is where I kind of grew up,
and it's where I feel most vulnerable. And I know
there that I am safe, that I am able to
really express myself. I'm able to feel my emotions. There's
no one I need to keep up with. I'm not
(38:14):
going to run into them anywhere. And it can be
something as simple as rearranging your room to kind of
disassociate from the memories you might have with them in there,
going by yourself, a cozy breakup blanket or a candle,
create a little oasis for yourself to be vulnerable and
to be emotional, and give yourself time to endure the pain.
(38:38):
I know it's so much easier to distract, to flee,
to run away from hard emotions. But I think that
you'll be surprised how much you will learn about yourself
because emotional release brings clarity. I also think it's really
important to give yourself the closure that you need. I
(39:00):
think where people often go wrong as they try and
move on from someone is believing that only the other
person can bring them closure. And I don't believe that
for a second. Ask yourself, if you're thinking about reaching out,
if you're thinking about having the closure conversation with them,
what exactly are you looking for when you're talking about closure.
(39:25):
Is there really a specific thing that they can give
you or they can say that's going to make you
feel better? The answer is probably not, and even if
there is, it's very unlikely that they're actually going to
say it. Here's the truth. You can give yourself the
closure that you need. They are not responsible for healing you.
(39:49):
That's your job. And there are a few ways that
you can kind of activate that closing of the chapter.
Ways that you can pursue full body and emotional closure
from your previous relationship. The one I always suggest is
to write a letter to that person. Just get a
couple pieces of paper. I want you to write everything
(40:11):
that you loved about them, everything that was special, but
also why you're mad, while you're angry, while you're miserable,
talk about how you feel right now, but also why
you need to let go. Consider it almost a final
love letter to them, all of the emotions that you're feeling.
(40:31):
Put it on the page, and then I want you
to put it away. And I also don't want you
to stop writing until you've you're really done, you're really
exhausted all the thoughts in your brain, and either get
rid of that letter or keep it in a box,
don't send it to them, don't tell anyone about it,
just do it for you. Say goodbye in your own way.
(40:54):
I also want you to remove anything that reminds you
of them from your physical space. All that's going to
do is reactivate those synaptic connections in your brain that
make you want them back, that make you long and obsess.
It's really important to recreate or refurbish or clean your
(41:15):
personal spaces of memories of them so that you can
reclaim them as your own. If you're really struggling and
you're like, I really want to reach out to this person,
no contact isn't working. I miss them. They are the
love of my life. Visualization is your friend. I want
you to visualize yourself bearing a box containing all the
(41:38):
memories from that relationship. And if that thought comes in
where you're like, I can't stop thinking about this person,
I can't stop a possessing over them. One of my
friends gave me an amazing strategy for this. Imagine their
face on a ball and then picture yourself hitting that
ball as far away as possible. It really helps. I
(42:02):
will say that I have used that a few times,
and visualization is a great way of kind of tricking
your brain into creating a reality that it wants. I
think it's also important you know, with that latter idea
that we suggested to make peace with the past but
accept the future. They're no longer going to be in
(42:24):
your life. That's a really hard pill to swallow. But
write out all of your favorite things about them on
a piece of paper, and then for each reason, I
want you to write down the reasons why you needed
to break up, the reasons why you couldn't stay, why
this breakup is necessary. Sometimes I think it's important to
(42:46):
go deeper into the belly of the beast before we emerge,
and remind yourself that there is a better love out
there for you, and you're willing to wait. There is
someone who's going to love you in a way that
you cannot even imagine, who is going to think that
you're the most perfect person, who is going to treat
(43:10):
you in a way that you have begged to be
treated from every past person. I always say this on
the show, So sorry if I'm like a broken record,
but I would rather find the love of my life
at thirty five than reach that age and realize that
I had settled too soon. Also, whatever you do, if
(43:31):
you are still emotionally raw, do not get into a
new relationship. That is the number one piece of advice.
I probably should have said it sooner. I know it
can be so easy to use love and affection, and
the love and affection of another person to soothe the
(43:51):
wounds of loss, But I promise you in the long run,
it will come back to bite you. Take some time
to be alone. It's really sacred. There is going to
be a point in your future when you're married, when
you have kids, whatever, where you're going to look back
at this time where you were single, in your twenties
and wish that you've just had one more day like that.
(44:14):
So really cherish it, and I promise you will thank yourself.
You will learn so much about who you are. You
will discover so much about your identity and your personality
through heartbreak, more than you will in any relationship, more
than any relationship can teach you. You know, we've all
(44:34):
been there, and I know a few of you will
roll your eyes when I say this. I'm sorry, but
it does get better. There are people out there who
will love you, like I said, more than you ever
could anticipate. And the end of one chapter is the
beginning of an even better one, even if it takes
(44:56):
a while. I promise that the growth and the maturity
is worth it. So I'm sending love to you all,
all my heartbroken people out there. I hope that this
episode helped you and that you do not get into
a new relationship. I feel like that is the major
point that we took away from this episode. But I
really didn't love kind of exploring this, you know, Like
(45:18):
I said, I feel like I've just come out of
it and I finally kind of felt ready to really
do some of the deep diving that I wish i'd
done earlier and to just kind of talk about it,
because I know it can be really, really difficult. So
I am sending you love, I'm sending you strength. It
will get better. I'm sorry to say it. I know
it's annoying, but I promise you it will. And I
(45:41):
just want to thank you for following along and listening
to this episode. If you enjoyed it, please feel free
to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify,
wherever you're listening right now. Follow us on Instagram if
you want to be more involved, If you have any
episode suggestions, I love to hear your ideas, and it
(46:02):
really makes my day to hear that you guys are
engaged and that you want to learn more. So we
are at that Psychology podcast on Instagram. Also, I talked
about this in last week's episode, but we now have
merchandise available, So if you want to be decked out
with some the Psychology of your Twenties podcast merchandise, please
(46:25):
visit our website or the link in the podcast description
and send me a photo. I would love to see
you guys wearing your beautiful merch and thank you so
much for listening. I can't wait to be back next
week for another episode.
Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the podcast.
(00:26):
Welcome back to a new episode. New listeners, old listeners,
wherever you are in the world. I am so stoked
to have you here for perhaps my most highly requested
podcast episode of all time. Every week I receive so
many dms from people who have had their hearts absolutely shuttered,
(00:48):
who have been through the worst breakup of their lives,
who are grieving the end of a relationship, and today
we're going to tackle all of it. We're going to
discuss the nitty gritty science and research and psychology behind
our brains and our bodies and our emotions during a breakup,
(01:11):
why they leave such lasting emotional scars, and how we
can essentially move on and really begin to realize the
best versions of ourselves in the midst of heartache. On
a personal note, those who have listened to this show
for a while will know that this podcast emerged from
(01:34):
the ruins of a relationship, one that I had in
my early twenties and this show, this podcast, all that
it's become. It was kind of my savior, my little
passion project that got me through a rough time and
allowed me to really reclaim a lot of my identity
and my independence. And that very X actually came on
(01:55):
the show a few months back. But right as I
was beginning to heal from that breakup, I started seeing
someone else. I can safely say it was never very
serious in the way that my previous relationship was. I
never really dreamed of marrying this person, and you know,
God forbid having children with him, let alone a lease
(02:17):
or a mortgage. But when it came to an end,
it crushed me. It destroyed me in a way that
for the last eight to ten months I really never
thought I was going to recover from. It's really funny
how our brains take these intense romantic experiences and do
not let go. And I spent so many weeks and
(02:42):
months almost begging my mind to move on, to stop
obsessing and thinking about all the what ifs, And then
the other day a flip just kind of switched in
my brain. I was driving home from somewhere I don't
really remember where, and for all of my Taylor Swift
fans out there. The song clean came on honestly number
(03:05):
one breakup song, but I just had this weird epiphany
where I was like, Yeah, I'm ready to move on now,
and I'm ready to make this episode. I've read so
many books, I've done the research for my own sake,
I've done the work, been to therapy, consulted all of
my friends who would listen. So let's talk about it.
(03:26):
And I really want to talk to my fellow twenty
something year olds who are going through or have gone
through the exact same thing. Breakups are hard, They are
incredibly confusing and raw and terrible, but they are also
such a sacred time I think for self growth and
(03:47):
personal development. You know, I don't believe I would be
the person I am today without the formative breakups that
I've gone through in my twenties. They each have taught
me something so unique and completely diverted my life path.
It's also such a common pattern of behavior to leave
or exit a relationship and suddenly become like really obsessed
(04:11):
with the gym or your work. To find that you
have more time for your friends and for your family
and for yourself. And I believe it's because this experience
presents such a pivotal time to realize the best version
of yourself, even whilst we're still often hurting and grieving.
(04:33):
You know, two complex versions of ourselves too, emotional states
can exist at once. So what I want to do
today is break down that complexity and reveal what's really
going on neurologically and psychologically when our relationships come to
(04:55):
an end. We are going to cover what happens to
our brains in the weeks and months following a breakup,
why we react the way we do, why the experience
is so uniquely painful. We're going to discuss how we
can actually apply the stages of grief to the end
(05:15):
of a relationship, and why actually sometimes it's our shorter
relationships that can be so much more significant. Of course,
we can't talk about breakups without a discussion on heartbreak,
but also how we can move on and heal. What
advice does psychology have for us in those moments when
(05:39):
we are so done with the relationship, so ready to
move on, but still feel really stuck in the past
and in the memories of the person and what was
for my heartbroken people out there, for those on the
mend those who are grieving. This episode is for you.
(05:59):
I've been there, I know your pain, and I want
to give you the guidance and the advice that I
so wished that i'd had earlier. So, without further ado,
let's break down the psychology of breakups, the psychology of heartbreak,
and how to heal, how to flourish, how to let go.
(06:23):
I think that heartbreak is a universal experience for those
of us in our twenties. We spend this decade dating
and figuring out what we like, falling in love so
effortlessly and carelessly, believing that these characters are the loves
of our lives. And then one day it's all over,
(06:47):
and whether you were the one who ended things or not,
both parties are left picking up the pieces. It's an
incredibly powerful experience, sometimes life changing, always memorable. I think
evidence of that is how fascinated we are by the
end of relationships. We talk about it all the time,
(07:08):
we discuss it with our friends. People write some of
the greatest songs of all time on the back of
a bad breakup. Entire genres of movies and books and
televisions is created on the premise of heartache. And heartbreak
because the emotional and even physical impact is so profound
(07:29):
and significant. So what exactly goes on in our brains
at the end of a relationship? I think human connection
is incredibly beautiful and you love well, that's one of
the best feelings out there. Someone really argue it's our
entire reason for being to be seen by someone else
(07:50):
and cared for and understood. Well. Not only do I
hope that that's been everyone's experience, but it really does
change how our brain interprets the world. The saying goes
that love is a drug, but it's actually not just
a saying. It's very much true. Falling in love releases
(08:11):
so many powerful neurotransmitters and chemicals like dopamine, like serotonin,
like oxytocin, all of which are really important for pleasure
and passion, bonding, and other intense feelings. Researchers have found
that intense feelings of romantic love affect the brain in
(08:34):
the same way as powerful drugs. This professor doctor Helen Fisher.
She's an anthropologist and a relationship researcher. She conducted a
series of studies on this very interaction between our brain
chemistry and the feeling of love. Specifically, she found that
the same chemicals, that is, massive amounts of dopamine and
(08:58):
serotonin are in play, and many of the same brain
pathways and structures are active when we are falling in love,
as when we are enjoying a cocaine high. And we
all know that illegal drugs like cocaine are incredibly addictive,
and we can logic that love, given it activates many
of the same neurological reactions, is the same. You've probably
(09:23):
even felt those powerful effects our you know, the rose
tinted glasses as we call it, that are brought on
by this influx and this rush of chemicals in our brain.
So well, what happens when that source of our love,
often our relationship, and the validation and the warm gioey
(09:45):
feelings comes to an end. It's a sad reality. You know.
We go from talking to that person every day, from
celebrating our successes with them and warning our losses and
our failures. You know, we know every thing about them,
and when that's over, essentially our brain goes into withdrawal.
(10:06):
You've spent the last six months, the last five years,
however long it may be, receiving that stimulation and the
release of these powerful neurotransmitters and then it drops off
and the brain is left scrambling for more, trying to
re establish that sense of homeostasis and normalcy. So post breakup,
(10:32):
especially if you go no contact, which I would definitely
recommend and we'll talk about that later, but your brain
enters basically a state of acute wanting, and it makes
it really difficult for us to focus on anything other
than that person that we're missing. In fact, this relative
kind of deficit in the neurotransmitters associated with collegible feelings
(10:56):
and happiness, but also with that person. It can even
give eyes to symptoms that resemble clinical depression or withdrawal,
and that is the love withdrawal hypothesis. It explains why
we find that in the months after a breakup, we
just crave this person like they're a drug. We want
(11:18):
to call them for closure or whatever reason you give.
We become obsessed and unable to move on, but also
willing to do really stupid and wild things, just as
a person who is fighting a drug addiction would do.
Someone who is heartbroken obsesses and craves their X because
(11:39):
they are essentially kicking an addiction. That this person has
created for them a love addiction, a neurochemical addiction. That
is one possible theory that kind of explains why breakups
are so unpleasant, even when we know it was the
right decision and we are entirely rational that we have
(12:00):
no future with this person, that this needed to happen.
That doesn't lessen our neurological response. Logic doesn't supersede biology
in these instances. That was a huge struggle for me.
You know, I mentioned my last breakup and how much
it shook me up, But the hardest part of that
(12:21):
was knowing without a doubt that I could do better.
But my heart still hurts so deeply because my brain
was in the process of healing and healing an addiction
to this other person. This really links with another explanation.
I'm just realizing that there are so many cliche phrases
(12:42):
about breakups that we're talking about today. It was totally unintentional,
but I think it really goes to show how much
of our culture and our language is really influenced by
this experience. I'm sure we've all heard people talk about
the end of a relationship and say how the heart
is crushed or their heart is broken. We hear people
(13:05):
wail and sob and talk about, you know, this almost
physical pain that they're in. You know, you don't really
understand that pain until you've been through it, and we
often dismiss this level of suffering as overdramatic or exaggerated.
But the science shows that getting our heart broken is
(13:25):
very much comparable to real physical pain, much like breaking
an arm. This pain, it's not just in the body,
it's also in the mind. And that is especially the
case for an emotional pain as profound as detaching from
someone we were super attached to. MRI scans on the
(13:48):
brain have shown that the withdrawal of romantic love activates
the very same parts of the brain which are triggered
when you're in physical pain. Similar to the previous we
talked about. These researchers in the US, what they did
was they showed people pictures of their exes, and then
they looked at what areas of the brain lit up
(14:11):
compared to when they were shown neutral pictures of their
family or their friends. They compared these images of the
brain and what they found was it was really similar
to the brain scans and the brain images of people
who were undergoing a moderate to a severe amount of
physical pain. It revealed that our brain processes emotional pain
(14:35):
and the same areas in the same region as physical pain.
That's why, although there may not be something causing us
an explicit physical injury, we still feel the sting of
a breakup and the sting of heartbreak. Mentally, and actually,
to some extent, this experience may even mimic pain in
(14:57):
our bodies, physical pain that explain that ache in the
chest that is often so common, the loss of appetite,
the nausea, the fatigue, the activation of fight or flight
mode right after the end of a relationship. We talk
about this reaction quite a bit on the show. Our
(15:19):
flight or fight mode is essentially our body's unconscious and
automatic response to a perceived threat. When you go through
a breakup, especially one that's unexpected, your body may register
it as an emergency and go into fight or flight
mode or even a state of shock. Essentially, what our
body is doing is adjusting to a perceived threat to
(15:42):
our survival. Evolutionarily, abandonment by a mate signified danger, and
that instinct is still alive and still active in our bodies.
Being in this state triggers the release of hormones that
can prepare our body to deal with a threat or
(16:03):
to run to safety. It can also trigger that response
that we talked about, all of those physical symptoms. So
even though the heartbreak, the loss of this person, this partner,
may be in the mind, our body also feels it.
You know, we spend so much time learning this individual,
(16:23):
investing in the relationship, accepting their support and their validation,
building trust, and then subtly that is gone and we
don't know how to cope. We may even question how
we'll survive without them, and that triggers this very ancient
physical and cognitive reaction. This idea of a loss of
(16:46):
investment is another thing I really want to touch on.
Relationships can be incredibly fulfilling, but I think the older
we get, the later into our twenties, even into our
thirties or forties, the more we realize that they're also work.
A really valuable article written by Insider said this really perfectly,
so I have to share when you spend months or
(17:09):
years building your life with someone, breaking up with them
can feel like you've lost all of the emotional energy
and the material resources and the time you spent maintaining
that partnership. Relationships involve big investments from us, time away
from family, big feelings, attention, money, So losing a partner,
(17:35):
not through death or anything like that, breaking up with
them it can make you feel as though everything you've
put into that relationship was, at the end of the
day wasted. A reaction to this is that we can
become quite jaded. This was definitely my experience. I cannot
tell you the amount of times that I told my
(17:58):
friends I would never a date again. After every unsuccessful
relationship or situationship or date, I would just almost reinforce
this sense to myself that I was going to be
happy being alone, and I truly convinced myself of that,
But I think deep down I always knew that that
(18:19):
wasn't true. That I was jaded. We all want someone
who was our person despite being scared of being hurt again.
It was really important for me to realize that my
brain had subconsciously learned this connection between love and trust
and hurt through the repetition of these experiences from these
(18:42):
relationships that had gone wrong, or even in some instances
for others, just a seriously awful breakup can teach us this.
It's a theory known as classical conditioning. As humans, we
are primed to avoid pain and suffering, So if you've
had your heart absolutely shattered, we feel it's necessary to
(19:08):
avoid all romantic connection as a result, because we associate
it with being hurt. But that's really no way I
think to live your life. I think suffering and putting
yourself out there, being vulnerable, that brings growth, that brings change.
You honestly never know what a relationship is going to
(19:30):
do to you, and not in a bad way, in
a way that you never know what new door, new
chapter is going open. You really do have to take
the risk and learn the lessons along the way. I
saw this really interesting TikTok the other day, and I
think it relates really perfectly to this next theory I
want to touch on. Essentially, it explained this kind of
(19:53):
anecdotal idea or theory around the journey we go through
in the months after heartbreak. You know, we travel through
this period of grief, then we kind of try and
get back out there data round to have a few
unsuccessful experiences, and we hermit and her theory wasn't wrong.
It was kind of spot on our journey through a
(20:15):
breakup can actually be mapped on to the stages of
grief that psychologists typically used to explain our reaction to
death or the loss this psychiatrist Elizabeth Kobler Ross she
adapted this theory in the late sixties to talk about
the loss incurred by a breakup. Yes, that person is
(20:37):
still alive, they're not dead, but the relationship isn't and
I think it sometimes makes it more complicated, in my opinion,
knowing that that person is still out there, but for
whatever reason, you can't be together. I'm going to walk
us through each stage. If you're someone who has been
(20:58):
broken up with or you're going through a breakup in
the last twelve months or so, I want you to
listen closely here and see if you can identify yourself
in any of these stages. The first one is denial.
You know, those first few days after a breakup, you
can feel completely normal and fine, and people often come
(21:22):
to me and say, I just feel like I'm not
emotionally processing this. I literally feel nothing that is totally valid.
It's actually a really normal experience to be thinking, you know,
this is the best decision I've ever made. You throw
yourself back into socializing you feel fine. Well, that's probably denial,
(21:42):
and it's our brain's way of protecting us from immediate
emotional pain by suppressing our reaction until a few days
or even weeks have passed. During this stage, our reality
has shifted completely and it can take our minds some
time to really adjust to this new reality, these new circumstances.
(22:05):
And that's denial. That's where we almost I haven't really
processed what's happened. Life doesn't feel like it's changed much.
But for my heartbroken people out there, we know that
that doesn't last long before the anger sets in. Anger
is a completely normal reaction to extreme emotional discomfort, and
(22:29):
it often flows out of us a lot easier than
sadness because it's a fairly uncomplicated emotion. Anger, especially combative anger.
It also tends to be the first thing we actually
feel when we start releasing all those pent up emotions
associated with a breakup. I see this all the time
in friends of mine who have broken up with their partners.
(22:52):
It always starts really civil. They wish them the best,
they say they're fine, and then like three weeks in,
you start to hear the anger come through. You know,
the statements about how they were such a ship person,
how you know they never deserved them, or the stories
you've never heard before. The floodgates are opening, and anger
(23:16):
is the first emotion to be released. I think it's
best not to suppress this feeling, but let yourself feel
this emotion. You'll get through it. I think a lot
faster if you do. Don't do anything rash, but allow
yourself to feel angry. Bargaining you know, despite how cruel
or awful a person was, if we stayed with them
(23:40):
for long enough, the chances are that we were attached,
and as that attachment is put under pressure by distance,
we may find ourselves backsliding and contemplating whether this was
the right decision. This is where bargaining enters the breakup equation,
with thoughts like you know, if we get back together
(24:01):
a promise that I'll be a better person, or I'll
go to the gym, they'll want me back. Bargaining comes
from a feeling of helplessness, and it gives us a
perceived sense of control over the situation, regardless of whether
you actually were the one to end the relationship or not.
Sometimes we get to this point of feeling like everything
(24:23):
was our fault, and that we want to go back.
We want to change our emotional state. We don't want
to experience this pain anymore. We might look back at
our interactions with that person and realize all the times
that maybe we were in the wrong. I think that
we can't do better, and you know, sometimes we do
get back with this person, but the chances are that
(24:44):
if you're listening to this episode, that has not been
the case. And I saw this amazing quote the other
day for all my people who in my friends, who
are in the bargaining stage, if there was a reason
that you up in the first place, there's a reason
why you shouldn't get back together, Like you have to
(25:05):
really place yourself in that logical state of mind, as
hard as it is, there was a reason that relationship
didn't work, and that reason is a strong enough reason
to not contemplate getting back together with them. And I
think that's where we move on to the next stage,
which is depression. I have this theory that this stage
(25:27):
of the breakup, the depression stage, is really what people
envision when we talk about heartache or we talk about
a breakup. It's the misery, it's the two am tiers
along drives in your car, the breakup playlists, waiting for
a text back, the pain, all the hard stuff, all
the difficult emotions. During our experience of processing grief, there
(25:50):
comes a time when all of our emotions and our
imaginations and our bargaining begins to slow down and we
start to really understand the state and the situation that
we're in and kind of what we're faced with, which
is that this person is no longer part of your life,
(26:10):
and that's something that you really have to accept. So
in this stage of the breakup, I think we really
start to feel that reality a lot more abundantly. And
as we begin to contemplate questions like will I ever
see this person again? Or who am I if they're
not in my life? Will I ever experience love again?
All of those really existential questions, our circumstances begin to
(26:33):
become a lot more clear, and our loss becomes a
lot more unavoidable, and that sadness grows, and I think
that's when the actual hard work and the healing really begins.
In my most recent breakup, it was so strange. I
spent like the first four months being totally cool, totally okay,
I was like, Wow, this is the easiest thing I've
(26:56):
ever done. I'm so over this, and then it just
all crumbled in like a minute. There was like this
one day where this I just could feel myself entering
this stage and I just was like, oh my god,
this is where it begins. I think it's important to
note that the length and the intenseness of this stage
(27:17):
is different for everyone because we each have different preexisting
attachment styles, temperaments, and personalities. There are people out there
who can disconnect from a relationship just like that and
who appear to move on really quickly. And if you're
a sensitive person like me, sometimes that can really be
(27:39):
the hardest part, knowing that the other person has moved
on while you're still grieving and trying to process your emotions.
It's almost like a competition, like who can move on
the fastest, and when you're losing, it just feels really terrible.
It really makes us question whether what you had was real.
(28:00):
I promise you that it was. Let me just say,
if someone has appeared to move on, especially straight into
a new relationship, I promise you, I promise you that
they haven't moved on and they will be either single
in five months or you know, we'll have to deal
with the repercussions in their new relationship. It's not going
(28:23):
to be smooth sailing. The amount of people that I've
dated who have started seeing someone like two months after
we've broken up, and then like a year later, have
come crawling back is astounding, because you can't undo a
relationship with a click of your fingers. You're using someone
else as a distraction. And if you haven't taken the
(28:44):
time to properly journey through the stages of grief, if
you've skipped past that essential emotional work, you haven't accepted
what's happened, and you haven't fully processed your emotions or
what that relationship meant to you. So essentially what ends
up happening is you use someone else as a distraction
from the hard feelings. Five months later, six months later,
(29:08):
you're back at square one. I think what I'm essentially
trying to say is that these individuals they skip over
all the important parts and they don't process your emotions,
they don't process their emotions, and they just assume that
they've reached acceptance. And acceptance, of course, is the final stage.
(29:28):
If you've moved through all those other stages like this
isn't a past go situation. You have to go through it.
You have to go through the trenches. When we come
to a place of acceptance, it's not that we no
longer miss the person, that we no longer feel pain.
All that sadness and regret can still be present in
(29:50):
this phase, but you also start to feel at peace.
You rationally come back to yourself. You accept that it
is you know it is what it is, that it
happened for a reason, that it needed to happen. You
made the right choice, and you start looking forward and
maybe even dating again. But also more importantly, you forgive
yourself because you're now able to accurately reflect on the
(30:14):
relationship and see what went wrong. At this stage, I
think reconciliation is possible, but a warning to the wise.
I honestly don't think that you can be friends with
your ex. I don't think that reconciliation will work in
most cases. Like I said before, if you've been around
for a while, you'll know that I did an episode
(30:36):
on can Xes Be Friends featuring my ex boyfriend. Let
me just say that at the time, I had a
really positive outlook in that episode, but we're actually no
longer friends. I always thought that it would be possible,
but it's actually really hard to forget what you once
were to each other. Romantic attraction, physical attraction may fade,
but our bodies and our minds remember, and if both
(31:01):
individuals are not on the same page, it is never
going to work. You need to be completely and brutally
honest with yourself. If there is even the slightest desire
to get back together with this person, you're not ready.
You're not ready to reach out, you're not ready for
the closer conversation, you're not ready to talk. I hope
(31:24):
this has kind of given you, guys, a bit of
an insight into the hidden mechanisms of our pain. Regardless
of what stage you're in. Heartache is never easy. So
if you're listening to this for some sage psychological wisdom
on how to move on and fully let go, you
are in luck. Because that is what I want to
talk about next. In just a moment, there is the brutal,
(31:53):
honest truth. If you want to truly let go of
someone after the end of a relationship, you need to
disconnect from them entirely. It can be really easy to
keep touching base seeing each other after things have ended.
But I promise you that will only elongate the process
of emotional and physical detachment. All of the science and
(32:16):
the psychology says that the months after a breakup are,
in essence, a period of withdrawal. You're trying to eliminate
your brain's addiction to this person and the feeling that
they bring you. But if you keep finding ways to
see them, sleeping with them, talking, you give your brain
what we call invariable reward or reinforcement, which only promotes
(32:39):
the obsession and the difficulty in breaking things off completely.
Every time you see your ex, especially in a manner
that is reminiscent of your past romantic relationship, your brain
receives a dopamine hit, and it reinforces that pathway or
learned conditioning between this person and the warm, fuzzy feelings
(33:02):
that we receive. I hate to say it. I know
it's not always a popular opinion, but no contact truly
is your friend if your aim is to let go,
if your aim is to move on. From my own
personal experience, I know that decision is a lot harder
than the easier path of kind of keeping in touch,
(33:24):
But I promise you in three months time, you will
be thinking yourself. Because it's important to remember that breakups
aren't just social, they're not just emotional. They are neurological,
and your brain is the basis of your attachment and
your obsession with this person. So if you break the habit,
you'll find that you'll heal. Quicker block their number and
(33:47):
follow them right now. You don't need to see what
they're doing. You don't need to see what parties they're attending,
what people they're with. It's like scratching an itch. It
may feel good, but the sting will only back stronger later.
No contact is your friend. As hard as it may be,
we know from research at the end of a relationship
(34:09):
causes a plunge in dopamine and serotonin levels. Hence, while
we often enter I think a pretty dark state in
many ways that kind of mimics even the symptoms of depression. Additionally,
I think exposure to our past memories with someone and
their images or thoughts of them it activates some of
(34:29):
the very same brain regions that interpret and process physical pain,
like we talked about before. So how do we minimize
these physiological symptoms that often draw us back into connecting
with our exes. You need to find a source of
dopamine and happiness that has absolutely nothing to do with
(34:50):
that person. You need to find a replacement for the
deficit that they've left you in, and it's kind of
up to you. But I would say something like watching
te or napping that's a temporary fix. What we want
is an activity that creates long term gratification. One of
my friends got super into doing triathlons and rock climbing
(35:13):
after she split from her partner. She was honestly so
jacked by the end of it, but it was also
something that really gave her a sense of purpose and
a sense of self beyond the relationship. Something like joining
a sports club, a social sports team, and art class, gardening,
miniature trains. You know, honestly, it doesn't really matter as
(35:35):
long as it makes you happy, and crucially, you're able
to enter a flow state, a state of complete calm
and focus and excitement when you're participating. That is what's
most important. That you're able to reconnect with yourself, you're
able to increase those dopamine levels without needing the other person.
(36:00):
But I would also say bonus points if it involves
being able to meet new people and hopefully new friends
who have no idea who your ex is, who are
not friends with your ex, who only know you as yourself.
I think one of the major difficulties moving on from
a relationship is how conflated our individual identities become with
(36:24):
someone else's. So finding new people, new hobbies, and new
facets of yourself that have absolutely nothing to do with
that other person it really does help aid your healing
journey and reconnect you with your essence, with your personal
sense of identity, and with your own self worth and
(36:44):
your own value. A lot of these tips may sound
like avoidance or distraction, you know, cutting off your ex completely,
diving into your new sport and your new friendships, but
there is something really important about just allowing yourself to
feel self pity and to wallow. The people I know
who try really hard to pretend like they're all right
(37:05):
and move on really quickly, you know four months later
they're the ones who suffer the most and who hurt
the longest. Because suppression, which is what they're doing, is
an unhealthy coping mechanism, and all it does is prolongedly inevitable.
You need to break down. You need to cry, you
need to wish you'd never met them, and swear to
(37:27):
your friends you'll never date again. Trust me, it's a
right of passage to really feel your emotions. You know,
you don't need to get lost in it. It's all
with moderation. But I think importantly, while you're going through this,
make sure you create a safe space to really feel
what you're feeling, to really, Like I said, Wallow, I
(37:52):
do this thing where every time a relationship ends, I
grow to Queensland, which is where I kind of grew up,
and it's where I feel most vulnerable. And I know
there that I am safe, that I am able to
really express myself. I'm able to feel my emotions. There's
no one I need to keep up with. I'm not
(38:14):
going to run into them anywhere. And it can be
something as simple as rearranging your room to kind of
disassociate from the memories you might have with them in there,
going by yourself, a cozy breakup blanket or a candle,
create a little oasis for yourself to be vulnerable and
to be emotional, and give yourself time to endure the pain.
(38:38):
I know it's so much easier to distract, to flee,
to run away from hard emotions. But I think that
you'll be surprised how much you will learn about yourself
because emotional release brings clarity. I also think it's really
important to give yourself the closure that you need. I
(39:00):
think where people often go wrong as they try and
move on from someone is believing that only the other
person can bring them closure. And I don't believe that
for a second. Ask yourself, if you're thinking about reaching out,
if you're thinking about having the closure conversation with them,
what exactly are you looking for when you're talking about closure.
(39:25):
Is there really a specific thing that they can give
you or they can say that's going to make you
feel better? The answer is probably not, and even if
there is, it's very unlikely that they're actually going to
say it. Here's the truth. You can give yourself the
closure that you need. They are not responsible for healing you.
(39:49):
That's your job. And there are a few ways that
you can kind of activate that closing of the chapter.
Ways that you can pursue full body and emotional closure
from your previous relationship. The one I always suggest is
to write a letter to that person. Just get a
couple pieces of paper. I want you to write everything
(40:11):
that you loved about them, everything that was special, but
also why you're mad, while you're angry, while you're miserable,
talk about how you feel right now, but also why
you need to let go. Consider it almost a final
love letter to them, all of the emotions that you're feeling.
(40:31):
Put it on the page, and then I want you
to put it away. And I also don't want you
to stop writing until you've you're really done, you're really
exhausted all the thoughts in your brain, and either get
rid of that letter or keep it in a box,
don't send it to them, don't tell anyone about it,
just do it for you. Say goodbye in your own way.
(40:54):
I also want you to remove anything that reminds you
of them from your physical space. All that's going to
do is reactivate those synaptic connections in your brain that
make you want them back, that make you long and obsess.
It's really important to recreate or refurbish or clean your
(41:15):
personal spaces of memories of them so that you can
reclaim them as your own. If you're really struggling and
you're like, I really want to reach out to this person,
no contact isn't working. I miss them. They are the
love of my life. Visualization is your friend. I want
you to visualize yourself bearing a box containing all the
(41:38):
memories from that relationship. And if that thought comes in
where you're like, I can't stop thinking about this person,
I can't stop a possessing over them. One of my
friends gave me an amazing strategy for this. Imagine their
face on a ball and then picture yourself hitting that
ball as far away as possible. It really helps. I
(42:02):
will say that I have used that a few times,
and visualization is a great way of kind of tricking
your brain into creating a reality that it wants. I
think it's also important you know, with that latter idea
that we suggested to make peace with the past but
accept the future. They're no longer going to be in
(42:24):
your life. That's a really hard pill to swallow. But
write out all of your favorite things about them on
a piece of paper, and then for each reason, I
want you to write down the reasons why you needed
to break up, the reasons why you couldn't stay, why
this breakup is necessary. Sometimes I think it's important to
(42:46):
go deeper into the belly of the beast before we emerge,
and remind yourself that there is a better love out
there for you, and you're willing to wait. There is
someone who's going to love you in a way that
you cannot even imagine, who is going to think that
you're the most perfect person, who is going to treat
(43:10):
you in a way that you have begged to be
treated from every past person. I always say this on
the show, So sorry if I'm like a broken record,
but I would rather find the love of my life
at thirty five than reach that age and realize that
I had settled too soon. Also, whatever you do, if
(43:31):
you are still emotionally raw, do not get into a
new relationship. That is the number one piece of advice.
I probably should have said it sooner. I know it
can be so easy to use love and affection, and
the love and affection of another person to soothe the
(43:51):
wounds of loss, But I promise you in the long run,
it will come back to bite you. Take some time
to be alone. It's really sacred. There is going to
be a point in your future when you're married, when
you have kids, whatever, where you're going to look back
at this time where you were single, in your twenties
and wish that you've just had one more day like that.
(44:14):
So really cherish it, and I promise you will thank yourself.
You will learn so much about who you are. You
will discover so much about your identity and your personality
through heartbreak, more than you will in any relationship, more
than any relationship can teach you. You know, we've all
(44:34):
been there, and I know a few of you will
roll your eyes when I say this. I'm sorry, but
it does get better. There are people out there who
will love you, like I said, more than you ever
could anticipate. And the end of one chapter is the
beginning of an even better one, even if it takes
(44:56):
a while. I promise that the growth and the maturity
is worth it. So I'm sending love to you all,
all my heartbroken people out there. I hope that this
episode helped you and that you do not get into
a new relationship. I feel like that is the major
point that we took away from this episode. But I
really didn't love kind of exploring this, you know, Like
(45:18):
I said, I feel like I've just come out of
it and I finally kind of felt ready to really
do some of the deep diving that I wish i'd
done earlier and to just kind of talk about it,
because I know it can be really, really difficult. So
I am sending you love, I'm sending you strength. It
will get better. I'm sorry to say it. I know
it's annoying, but I promise you it will. And I
(45:41):
just want to thank you for following along and listening
to this episode. If you enjoyed it, please feel free
to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify,
wherever you're listening right now. Follow us on Instagram if
you want to be more involved, If you have any
episode suggestions, I love to hear your ideas, and it
(46:02):
really makes my day to hear that you guys are
engaged and that you want to learn more. So we
are at that Psychology podcast on Instagram. Also, I talked
about this in last week's episode, but we now have
merchandise available, So if you want to be decked out
with some the Psychology of your Twenties podcast merchandise, please
(46:25):
visit our website or the link in the podcast description
and send me a photo. I would love to see
you guys wearing your beautiful merch and thank you so
much for listening. I can't wait to be back next
week for another episode.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
Popular Podcasts
40s and Free Agents: NFL Draft Season
Daniel Jeremiah of Move the Sticks and Gregg Rosenthal of NFL Daily join forces to break down every team's needs this offseason.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.