April 26, 2023 • 37 mins
This Friday we sit down with the wonderful Violet Benson, host of the podcast Almost Adulting, also known for her famous meme account, Daddy Issues, as we discuss everything dating in our 20s, specifically the truth about daddy issues, healing childhood trauma and parental relationships and how to reestablish your boundaries and standards. That, and so much more. Listen now!
Follow Violet everywhere:
Almost Adulting podcast - https://open.spotify.com/show/7IY1Gjc1uktmDCmNLA0HXo?si=14792ff30f75463e
Violet Benson - https://www.instagram.com/violetbenson/?hl=en
Daddy Issues - https://www.instagram.com/daddyissues_/?hl=en
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:26):
Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever
you are in the world. We have an exciting guest
today for a very exciting topic. We did a series
on the show called Dating in Your Twenties, and our
guest has decided to join us and share some of
her own wisdom. Violet, how are you going.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
I'm well, thank you so much for having me. I'm
excited to be here.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
Yeah, of course, it felt like such a natural fit.
Honestly so. Violet, if you do not know her, is
the host of the almost adulting podcast otherwise known as
Daddy Issues Online. Some amazing advice given over there and
just like some hard truth skilled So I feel like
this is gonna be a great episode. Yeah, I'm excited.
(01:13):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Yeah, we got we got really, we got on really
well before we started recording, so that was that's always good.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
Yeah. Well, I felt like we were sitting in like
zoom talking because you're in La Yes, yeah, and I'm
in Sydney and we were sitting on the zoom I
think for like half an hour just actually just having
having a yawn as they say in Australia, having a
little chat. So I was like, we're about to pop facts.
Everyone's open your ears wide.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
That's so cute. Okay, your phrases. I could tell you Australia.
The minute you said the word heaps when we're talking
in DMS, I'm like, okay.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
So you're in Australia, what is it heaps?
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Yeah, you said heaps, there's heaps something.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
Oh yeah, yeah, I totally say that. So it's so
funny because I don't notice it until I'm on calls
with people who are based in the US or based
in London, and they'll be like, what did you just say?
And I'm like, I don't know. I also got this
like random DM from someone the other day that was like,
you pronounce all of your words incorrectly, like and I
(02:17):
was like, yeah she was, and then she like was like,
these are the words that I heard in your most
recent episode that were wrong, And I was like, I've
got an Australian accent, Like it's not I know. Yeah,
it's so strange.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
No, it's a real thing. I have gotten before, negative
reviews on my almost adulting podcasts and mean dms when
people get upset with me when I don't pronounce myself,
when I pronounce someone's name or word incorrectly, even though
English is my third language. People forget that whatever countries
you're from, you and the pronouncing words differently.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
Yeah, I'm exact.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
Americans forget that.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Yeah, that's so interesting as well, considering that English is
your third language. Yes, why come on, give me be
nice about it. I feel like if they also spoke
three plus languages, they are welcome to criticize, but if not.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Yeah, it's kind of like if you were trying to
speak French right now, because of how you grew up
speaking English with the Australian accent, you will not be
able to have the proper accent that French people have.
Because I speak Hebrew, I have the perfect French accent
when I speak French, and I'm able to mimic it perfectly.
But Americans will not be able either. And I will
(03:31):
be able to say a lot of words, but that
you guys won't be able to be of how I
grew up, so it's the same thing. Then people from
others speak other languages can't pronounce her in English words
because we've never learned how to pronounce it like that,
or our mouths don't move in that way. I don't
know how to explain it. There's just words, some words
that we just won't be able to ever pronounce.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
I'm not even gonna try and do that awe sounding.
I feel like it's going to be so embarrassing because
I unfortunately only speak one language. How look at that,
Wa're already off online a massive tangent. What we're really
here to talk about today is dating in your twenties,
and I feel like you have a lot of wisdom.
Even before we jumped on this call, you were saying
(04:13):
you're in like a long term relationship for most of
your twenties, weren't you?
Speaker 2 (04:17):
Yes? I was. I was in wouldn't be funny, but
just thinking if I was one of those guests you
asked me a question, I'd just say yes.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Yeah, oh, I'd be working hard.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Okay, So, yes, I was in a relationship most of
my twenties. I was on off with one of with
my second boyfriend, I basically growing up. And well, I
started dating when I was seventeen. I was very much
a late bloomer. I wasn't interested in boys. I'd moved
to America when I was fourteen. I was just trying
to figure out how to speak English, and I was
(04:53):
not even thinking about boys. I did not get them
at all, especially Americans and in Los Angeles right away.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
It's a whole different.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
World with those kids. So and I had my own
issues growing up, aside from I was born with a
birth defect, so it gave me a lot of insecurity
as I stay away from boys until late teenage years.
But also I grew up as I'm known as daddy issues.
I grew up with daddy issues when I got through
my teenage life. So of course that subconsciously formed the
(05:26):
way I started pursuing my partners. I didn't know this yet.
You don't know this as a child, and you don't
know this as an adult that a lot of the
pattern of who you date has a lot to do
with your childhood trauma. You don't realize that yet. So
the guy that I was just it wasn't love.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
It was obsession.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
He was my drug. And I didn't know why he
was my drug, but I was addicted to him. I
was addicted to my relationship for eight years. It was
on and off, and he was just my everything. I
mean when every time we break up, I would not
always felt like I couldn't breathe. I was a person
that I didn't want to get out of bed until
(06:05):
he spoke to me, until I knew we were going
to be okay. It just felt he was my everything.
And of course when you have those type of partners,
they love it. But I guess the type of person
I ended up attracting emotionally unavailable partner. Did I realize that, No,
of course I didn't. I just needed him to love me,
And for eight years, it was this constant chase maybe
one day he will love me, and I did everything
(06:28):
I could to be better for him. For eight years.
I was shaved my body every single day as long
as we were together, My body shaved every single day.
I want to be beautiful for him. Did he still cheat
on me all the time? Yes? Did I know? No?
Because I secretly didn't want to know. I secretly didn't
want to know that because I think I didn't then
want to deal with what would happen if I found out,
because then I would actually have to leave, And that's
(06:50):
a whole other thing. Did I love myself when I
was growing up? No, of course not, because if I did,
I wouldn't have stayed in that relationship. But I think
everything that happens to us, including people we date, it's
not in a way that you look back and you think,
I can't believe I gave him all my twenties. I
can't believe I did this. It's more that was a
life lesson and the reason I stay with my partner
for so long was because the universe was teaching me
(07:13):
over and over again the same mistakes that I was
just for some reason, not learning. And it wasn't until
I learned how to love myself that I removed myself
from that relationship and started working on myself. Do I
have some regrets that a part of me wishes I
didn't give so many of my twenties to someone, just
one person. Yes, but that's what I needed in my
(07:35):
path to learn. I wish I didn't only exit that
relationship in my late twenties and early thirties, and that
was the first time I learned how to date or
I had to unlearn everything I thought love was. I
had to unlearn I had to learn what I like,
what I don't like the other. Because when I got
over that relationship with him, I tried to date guys afterwards,
(07:57):
and I would pick fights with them, thinking that was
going to make us closer. I was picked flights to
get that tension because that's where I grew up with
my dad when I was young, where my dad forgets
I exist, so I have to act out. And when
I act out, even if you be so sure of me,
at least he notices me. So then accidentally in my
relationship and then being the same thing where we will fight,
(08:19):
and that's when my boyfriend payer attention to me and
then we're fine.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
That was so insightful. I was so so insightful. And
I think it really goes to show the complex interaction
between how we were raised and how we approach intimacy
and romantic relationships. And I think people often don't think
that those are linked, right. They're like, Okay, well, you know,
my childhood was a discreet time in my life, and
(08:43):
my adulthood or my adolescence is also a discreet time.
And there's no overlap, but it's like you really are
the still the same person that's traveled through all of
those experiences, and the trauma that you take from those
will be brought into every chapter of your life. How
do you think it was about your attachment style or
(09:04):
how you were raised or your childhood that led you
to be attracted to emotionally unavailable people?
Speaker 2 (09:11):
Okay, so here's the thing. A lot of people when
they listen, they think, well, I don't have daddy issues
that I can't relate, but they may have mommy issues,
or they think I grew up with both my parents together,
or I grew up with that parents, or whatever your
dynamic and your growing up is. You'll be surprised. But
everyone has some type of childhood trauma without even realize it.
(09:31):
And trauma is not as bad of a ward as
people think it is. It just means it's what formed
you into the human being the adult that you are,
and it's up to you now as an adult to
unlearn a lot of these things. So again, even if
you think, well, my dad was really nice to me,
so it was my mom. Let's say there's guys out
there their mom loved them so much. Guess what they
(09:52):
have mommy.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
Issues where they.
Speaker 2 (09:54):
Now attract women like their mother and they hate them.
They're pulsed by them because if they feel suf vocated
and it reminds me of their mother. So then they
end up chasing women who don't love them. So everyone
has their own weird type of dating stuff that has
to do with your parents until you realize it's happening
and you have to learn it, but you have to
(10:15):
be self aware. So I attracted my partner who was
obsessed with who's my second boyfriend? Because my first one
were just chilling, but my second one was like a
drug because he was emotionally unavailable, which was similar to
my father. And the reason we end up attracting these
type of partners not just emotional unavailable, anything that feels familiar.
(10:35):
Anytime in your life you meet someone and one person
you meet and you're like, Okay, maybe I'll go out
with them a few times, maybe I like them. Then
someone else you meet and you're like, WHOA, I like you?
What is this feeling? I don't get it, but if
I love it, and it's because it feels familiar, and
the familiar The reason it feels familiar is because it's
(10:57):
a childhood wound that you have inside yourself that has
an healed and your body feels at home, but not
in a good way, in a way that something hurt
you when you were a child, and that's what's reminding
you of And what's happening is this is the psychology
behind it. We attract partners are similar to our childhood
(11:17):
traumas or our parents when they hurt us, because it's
your brain hoping to revisit the same situation that happened
to you in the past, and it's hoping that the
outcome will be different this time. So if my father
was emotional unavailable, which he was growing up, which but
because I didn't understand his love language yet, So nothing
(11:37):
I say is in a way where I want anyone
to feel sorry for me, because I've worked through that.
For me, my father was emotional unavailable, he didn't know
express his feelings, and he didn't hug me or kiss
me until I was twenty four to twenty five. And
that's because I changed the cycle in our family, because
I made that choice. V Until I decided to make
that choice, I was dating guys like my dad, including
my ex. So I started dating a man who was
(12:00):
also emotional and available, and my brain was hoping, maybe
eventually this guy will love you. So even though when
you were growing up as a kid, your dad didn't
love you, this man will finally give you the validation
they've been searching for years. And guess what, it didn't
happen because no matter what I did, I wasn't enough.
Or that's what it felt like, because love first has
to start with you. That's the longest relationship you're going
(12:21):
to have in your life is a relationship you are
with yourself. You can't continuously seek this outside validation, outside
love if you don't love yourself, because you don't know
not to mention, I don't know what love is. I
grew up with a dad who didn't kiss me, or
hug me, or tell me he loves me. What do
I know what love is? I see my dad being cold,
I think that's love. So that's what I attrack.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
Just like I have.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Friends that grew up in a very abusive household where
their parents were fighting all the time. They end up
attracting a partner that they're fighting with all the time.
They think that's love. So many of us don't realize
but we don't even know what love is.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
I agree, honestly, and especially his people in our twenties.
I think love for us is sometimes just a feeling,
and we think that it's passion, and we think that
it's chaos, or we think that it should just be
this like easy thing, and we really don't know, because
I think, just like trauma, love is also incredibly subjective.
(13:16):
But it's interesting that you talk about how you like
shifted the dynamic because I feel like when I've done
a lot of work with my own therapists around my
attachment style and all that comes with that, and I
think it doesn't just have to do with your parental relationships.
You know. As a child, I was really bullied, was
(13:36):
really badly bullied, and I never really felt like anyone
liked me, that I was like wanted or desired as
a friend. And then as I got like later into
my adolescence as someone people wanted to date. And so
as soon as I went to university and like people
were like attracted to me and there was alcohol and
I was there was all this freedom, and I was
(13:59):
living in college, which I had no standards for myself
because I was like, well, I have this in a
childhood wound of not feeling wanted and feeling unlovable. So
the moment that someone comes in and is like, you know,
even just wants to have sex with you, They don't
want to give you anything more, my brain was like, well,
that's showing that they want you, and that's like a really,
(14:19):
that's something that you've always wanted. That's something that you're
really like, you've always desired, and wouldn't it be amazing
to finally have that. So I basically just didn't have
any standards for myself and would attract people who treated
me badly or who were like almost cruel or super
ambivalent towards like our relationship.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
I don't know, actually you didn't know what love was.
Of course, of course you equated that to love, because
you said I felt unlovable. People didn't want to be
my friends. And the thing is that was the reality
you create to yourself. And when we feel that way
about ourselves, it doesn't matter what's happening on the outside.
We don't see it. And eventually you grew up and
you realize, well, all these people around me are trying
(15:00):
to love me, and I'm not even seeing it because
I'm so focused on people don't love me because I
grew up feeling unlovable. So again, you don't know what
love is. So then you only then end up being
drawn to people who don't love you, or you end
up being drawn to someone that, even for a night,
gives you sex because in that moment, you feel desirable
and you feel wanted. And I for the longest time
(15:22):
with my ex boyfriend, all we had really is sex
that we didn't really talk. I didn't know how to
open up to people. I never talked about my feelings,
so I did even though that was my one partner sexually,
It's all I had to offer him was my body.
I want to be beautiful for him. I was having
sex with him, so I also equated sex with love,
(15:43):
and that's the thing that a lot of women do.
And I've tried to talk about that before. And of
course some people may not agree with my opinion when
I say hold off on sex, but I believe it's
genuinely important, especially if you're someone who still has to
figure out your emotions and mental health and to put
yourself first and to learn how to love yourself. If
you accidentally fall off through sex, which has been a
(16:05):
thing for me, then hold off because you want to
get to know somebody on an emotional level before you
catch up to it in a physical level. But you
ask me something else, and I'm sorry that I ended
up forgetting what you were talking about.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
Honestly, it just shows that you're passionate, and I feel
like that's so passionate. When I tell I know I
love it, it's like, honestly, so refreshing. But it's interesting.
I just want to quickly talk on this. I was
loostly looking into this research the other day. Sex creates
like an emotional and neural bond with someone. Not saying
that that doesn't mean yeah, for women is like in particular,
(16:44):
and I'm not saying that that doesn't mean you can
have as much casual sex as you want, but it's
worth noting that when you are physically closed with someone
in that manner, whatever sex is for you in that moment,
the amount of like oxytocin, which is like the chemical
associated with happiness but also bonding that is released. It's
no wonder that so many people, I think, find themselves
(17:06):
they've had sex with someone and then suddenly they're like,
oh my god, I'm attached, you've got to also know
what you want. Like I started doing this thing where
I realized that I was very actively going for people
who I actually didn't even respect or have anything in
common with because I was like, oh, you know, well
then they'll never leave me and I'll feel loved. And
it basically like retrained my brain into not feeling that
(17:29):
I actually deserve the love that I want it. So
now I like have I like went to my therapist
and was like, this is happening. I keep getting like
obsessed over these men who I don't even respect.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
I get obsessed over them.
Speaker 1 (17:40):
Not anymore. This was like back maybe like a year
and a half ago. I like went to her and
was like, I am like there would be men who
were violent, like they would be like sovice. Like literally
one of them was was living with it, like living
out of his car and with his friends. No shame
to that, Like people go through different life circumstances.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
And he woke up with you and he said, you
know what, I think I can do better?
Speaker 1 (18:04):
Oh yeah, probably, Like I think it was a long relationship,
but like there was another one who's like he's like
I still live at home with my mom and I
hate my job, but I only worked three days a
week and I know. I was like, what are you
interested in? And he's like, I don't really know, like
watching TV? And I was like, I was like, are
you the love of my life?
Speaker 2 (18:25):
Because it's like if you have hobbies, I can be
I can be your hobby because I'm interested in me.
Speaker 1 (18:31):
Yeah. And the other thing was like he couldn't drive,
and I was like, I can teach him how to drive,
and then you know what, he can depend on me
exactly it was. It was toxic and like I can
look at that now and be like I get that.
I get where that was coming from. I get where
that was bad because I've healed that part of myself.
But the way that I did that was like I
literally set out like point blank in my notes. I
(18:52):
wrote it in my diary, like what is the bare
minimum here? Like what do I want? And after like dates,
I would go back and be like did they actually
meet this? If I couldn't really tell, I would go
on a second date. But if it was like no,
then I was like I always messaged them being like
I'm really like I had a really amazing time, but
this isn't going anywhere, and it's like a massive thing
(19:12):
you need to learn. So I think my question to
you was like, what do you think that, what do
you wish you'd known at that time, or what do
you wish you'd known earlier as someone back in their twenties.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Well, A, I wish. It's hard to say because a
part of me wants to say I wish I learned
how to love myself sooner. But then I also think
I needed to have all these life lessons. But I
guess if I was being unrealistic and more dream in dreamland,
and it's yes, if I could have the same outcome
(19:45):
as now, if nothing would change, it's something that I
could wish that I learned faster. It's probably how to
love myself and how to walk away from a partner
that was never going to love me because it was
never about that person, and I wish that I didn't,
You know what, Actually I wish I wish that I
would have been more brave and learn and change my
(20:10):
generational trauma and my family's dynamic sooner, because so many
years I was always so afraid of being rejected by
my father, which sounds so silly for anyone out there
that doesn't have the type of issues, whether it's your
mother or your father, But it's this weird rejection because
people don't realize if you have daddy issues, the first
man that breaks your heart technically is your father, which
(20:32):
is a little strange. But I didn't really grow up
with him. And then I remember when I saw one
of my friends hug my dad. I didn't understand why
she even did that. And I was like, wait, you
just asked your dad for advice and you guys just
hugged just like that. That's so weird. She goes, do
you not hug your dad? And I go, well, I
don't even know what you would do. But if I
tried to hug him and he was like, ew, why
(20:52):
are you touching me? That's so not our dynamic. It's weird.
So it took me years until and I never would
say a lot to him because I was scared he
would laugh at my face or he would reject me,
and I was scared of the rejection. And that kind
of created the rest of my identity where it was
around the male gaze, where I was insecure enough that
(21:14):
I stay with my ex for so long, and I was.
I was just there to be pretty and have sex
with my boyfriend while he was cheating on me. But
that was my role, and I still didn't know who
I was. So when I one day as an I
used to be an accountant. Oh why Yeah, I have
two degrees, So I used to be an accountant. That's
(21:35):
one of my degrees at a big public accounting firm.
And when I was getting bullied at the firm, it's
actually one of the reasons I started Daddy Issues. So honestly,
bless them for bullying.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Strong.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
I wonder how they're going, Yeah, how are you going? Friends?
Speaker 2 (21:51):
So because of that, I created Daddy Issues secretly, and
Daddy Issues when I created it, and I got to
see with just through memes that my and when I
created Daddy Issues, I created an alter ego because at
this point I had no idea who I was, and
I felt so invisible. I had no identity, and the
people created me. Because when I started posting random things anonymously,
because I was anonymous for almost two years, is when
(22:12):
I suddenly got to see, oh, other people can relate.
Oh I thought I was alone in this okay, And
that gave me the and when I created Daddy Issues,
I wrote about a girl who was my alter ego
because I can never be as cool as her. She
was a popular girl. She was a skinny, pretty girl
that everyone liked. She grew up rich. I grew up poor.
She had all the money, she had, all the drugs,
(22:33):
all the boys liked her. I was so invisible, or
at least thought that was my view, that was my reality.
And that's how I was able to have the confidence
to run Daddy Issues, which is so funny because I
was pretending to be her, and that gave me and
seeing how people could relate that I'm not alone, it
gave me the confidence. And the first time I life that,
I said, you know what, I don't care anymore if
(22:53):
my dad's going to reject me, because I want to
tell him that I love him. Because my father may
not have who knows when how many more years I
have with him. I want him to know that I
love him, and that's all that matters. And I want
to hug my dad, and I'm okay if he says no,
or because at least I tried so, because at least
then he'll know that I love him. So I started
doing that. It was a practice I started. I started
(23:16):
on the phone when we were about to talk on
the phone barely but we're about to hang up, and
I would say, wait, Dad, hold on. He's like what,
I'm like, I love you, and it's like he hang ups.
Then eventually I'm like, way, Dad, I love you. Silence
stays on the phone, say on the phone, hangs up.
Then eventually, Dad, I love you. Silence me too, hang up.
(23:38):
Then eventually I love you. I love you too. I
know it's so sweet.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
That is really sweet.
Speaker 2 (23:46):
Yeah, And then eventually started, you know, trying to hug
each other and all that, and now my whole family
dynamic is so different and in a weird way, that
helped me learn how to love myself. And I helped
me stop feeling this bless you. Sorry, I get so
sensitive about my dad's so that's okay. It helped me
(24:07):
stop feary like my dad's love was the scariest thing
to me. So once I wasn't scared of being rejected
by my father, almost felt like I was free because
even in that moment, I would have known whether or
not he was going to be super kate, and if
he didn't, I would have finally let it go, and
if he did, whatever, But in that moment also is
when I got to learn love languages and all that
(24:29):
and attachmentselves, and I got to learn that my father
did try his whole life to love me. I just
didn't know because my dad's love language was putting a
roof over my head and acts of service because his
father was an alcoholic drug who got beat up to
death when he was when my dad was seventeen for
being a Jew in Communist Russia, and he left my
father and his mother with nothing. So my dads were
(24:51):
to never be like his father, to provide us with
the home and get me through school. And that's exactly
what he did. That's how he showed me his love.
But I didn't know because I'm just a child. I
just want to be hugged and I don't have that.
But he didn't grow up with that. So as an adult,
I got to learn that, and I got to forgive
my father for not knowing any better, and I got
to show him love and he gets to give me
(25:13):
love back, and I get to show love to the world.
And that's actually one of the reasons I created my
podcast because it was me being so fascinating curious about
all these things I didn't grow up with, and it
made me want to as I'm learning everything, I want
to share it with my audience.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
Oh that's so beautiful, it really is, and a massive
testament to you that I think not many people have
the self awareness and the vulnerability to actually approach that
issue within their family. Like so many people just kind
of get to the point where they're like, this is
how it's always going to be beautifully changed. Like you
(25:52):
healed your generational and trauma, Like you genuinely did that
as a single individual. You sat back and were like,
this is mine to fix and you did it. And
that's so nice. Oh it's so deserving. You're so deserving
of that as well. And what do you think when
I really want to pick up on what you talked
about when you talked about love languages as well? Do
(26:14):
you did a minute? Do you want to pause from fine? Okay?
Are you sure getting away? Period?
Speaker 2 (26:21):
Start? Oh?
Speaker 1 (26:22):
Okay? Do you think that knowing what you now know
about your dad's love language has changed your love languages
over time or changed how you approach, how you communicate
or show your love language?
Speaker 2 (26:42):
So I think as we get older, our love languages
are constantly changing as we are constantly evolving, hopefully, which
is what you should be doing. And I think the
coolest thing about love languages is that we don't realize
two things. Number one, the love languages that you have
as an adult, actually the love languages you didn't get
as a child. Yes, voice, so my love languages were
(27:05):
touch and words of information, but I didn't know that
was my love languages. But that's what I lacked. And
the love language I was giving to other people were
gifts and acts of service because that's what I grew
up with my father. And the second thing that we
don't know about love languages aside from it's always changing,
So I guess the second thing is that it's always changing.
So then the third thing we don't realize love languages
(27:27):
applied to everything, and a lot of times we tend
to apply them only in dating. And then how often
do we have breakups with our friends? And that's a
thing that we never really talk about friendship breakups and
the friends. But love languages also happened in your friendships,
in your family dynamic with my sister, my sister and
(27:48):
I during the pandemic. We had a really big fight
and I just couldn't get it. She called me selfish
all these words, and I did, and she said, you
make you just don't love me. It feels like you
don't care about me. And I said, I don't understand.
I'm trying so hard to show you that I love you.
Every day I text you how amazing you are and
how much you're killing it, and I've been buying your
(28:08):
children gifts because I love you so much. She goes,
You're so fucking shallow, Like it's like you never answer
my text, you don't call me, and then you just
tell me I'm amazing. What does that even mean? And
that's when I sat down. Instead of attacking my sister
back and not speaking to her whatever people like to
do these days, I realized, wait, why would she say
I'm shallow? I don't get it. I'm showing you that
(28:29):
I love her. And then I realized, wait, does she
not feel loved by me? What does this mean? And
then I started digging into love languages and I realized, oh,
I bet we have different love languages. I bet I'm
doing my best to show her that I love her,
but she's not speaking the same love language as me,
so to her, she feels un love by her own
sister and we're best friends. And that's when I realized, Karen,
(28:53):
what's your love language? And said, what are you talking about?
And I said, Karen, just do the test, the random
free test on Google languages. I think that's where we
have the issue. So again I put my ego aside
to figure out instead of taking what she said personally,
to understand how can I make my sister feel loved?
And that's when I realized, for her, what is it
(29:14):
physical touch and quality time or her love languages? So
we are the pandemic, so we can't do quality time.
So she's missing that, and I mean physical touch and
the quality time I'm not. I'm so busy with work
that's not priority for me to answer people's sex right
away or to call. So I'm doing what I know best,
which is hey, you're doing great, or you look so
cute in that outfit, because that works for me, but
(29:37):
for her it's shallow. So once I realized that my
phone's always on, do not disturb, But with my sister,
I remove that. So she texts me, I answer right away.
I always call her I check in with her now
the pandemic's over, and make sure to spend time with
her because I know that's what's important to her. Is
it one of my It is technically one of my
love languages now, but in the past was it No?
(29:59):
But because I knew that's have she feelt loved, I
made the effort to do that. So I think it's
the same thing with couples as well. You should ask
each other or your friends what are your love languages,
and even if those are not your love languages, then
you can put the effort to make the other person
feel loved because a lot it's so sad the fact
that all these years growing up with my father, he
(30:20):
did his best in his own way to show me
that you loved me, and I've was this lonely child
thinking what does my father hate me so much? You know?
Speaker 1 (30:29):
Yeah, that's so rough, I think, but it shows a
great maturity and I think self awareness to recognize that
your love languages aren't just for what you need, but
therefore what others want to receive from you as well,
and you have to adapt them to different circumstances, especially
in relationships where you really love the person and I
(30:50):
think a familial and a sister relationship is such a
good example of that where it's like, okay, I feel
like sometimes love languages don't really apply in like the
early stages of dating if you're not like committed to
each other. But when it comes to those like lifelong
relationships that are always going to be by your side,
(31:10):
it's worth really acknowledging, like where your capacity for showing
love and the kind of love you show has come from,
and how it can change over time, because I also agree,
I do believe that it will change, and there are
certain people in your life who will change that for you.
Like I think I was always someone who I thought
my love language was like physical touch and words of affirmation.
(31:31):
And then I had this boyfriend who was so generous
with me and would always give me gifts that he'd
really thought about, and I always felt so awkward about
receiving those, and I I was always like oh no, no, no,
like this is weird. This is like what are you doing?
You're bribing me?
Speaker 2 (31:46):
Like what are you bribing me?
Speaker 1 (31:48):
I don't know. I just I wasn't used to it.
I was like worth yeah, I was like, this actually
makes me uncomfortable and then he was like, no, I'm
actually just doing this because I love you. And I
was like, and then it can change. And now I'm
much better at receiving gifts from people when I'm like,
you know, when they've really a bad way.
Speaker 2 (32:06):
He knew how to express himself.
Speaker 1 (32:07):
Yeah, and it was so sweet. It was really sweet.
He like, yeah, he was a good boyfriend. Shout out
to that boyfriend. He was a goodie. Before we wrap up,
I do want to ask just like one final question here,
because I feel like a lot of what we've spoken
about today is navigating our childhood wounds and these versions
of our younger self that we have to adapt and
(32:29):
bring into our current selves and understand and love. So
what would you say to like your younger self, that
little girl who didn't feel particularly loved or seen by
her father, or any of those versions of you.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
I guess what I would tell my younger self. I
would tell my younger self that all the things in
that moment that I think are important and matter will
not matter a couple of years from now. Whether it
was dying to be popular in high school, to be
seen the boys that I thought were cool, the guys
that I was seeing the none of them matter and
wanting to get love from people that ever loved me,
(33:03):
that all that would not matter as long as love myself.
I think the biggest lesson I could have given my
younger self is that no one else knows what they're doing,
and everyone else is just as insecure as you are.
That's the biggest lesson that I would take away. And
it took me a lot of years to learn that
no one else, everyone else is a loser just like you.
(33:24):
Because first you're like, I'm the biggest loser in this room,
and then you're like, wait, no, everyone else is a
loser in this room. No one is thinking about you.
No one's thinking about me right now. No one's judging me,
no one gives a shit about me. And you know what,
that's beautiful. That's amazing because I didn't get to walk
around and live my life and do everything I want
to do because no one gives a shit. We spent
so much of our lives caring so much what everyone
(33:45):
else thinks, until one day we realize that no one
was ever thinking about us at all. They were thinking
about themselves and their ibs and and you know, the
guy who didn't text them and whatever it else, they
weren't thinking. They don't give a shit. Then you forgot
to brush your hair. They weren't looking at you, and
tomorrow they're not going to remember that because they're going
to think about something else. So you're going to spend
your whole life what not moving forward, not doing sure
(34:07):
because God forbid, someone else is going to judge you.
Fuck those people you know tells you not to do something,
it's people that are too scared to do it themselves.
So what I would tell my younger self is to
everyone's so insecure and to not listen to other people
to tell me that I can't do something or that
I or know, because what the F did they know?
Speaker 1 (34:24):
Mmm? I totally agree. One of my friends said this
to me the other day and it really resonated. It
was like, you will never be judged by someone doing
better than you. No one doing better than you is
ever going to judge down on you because they know
you know.
Speaker 2 (34:41):
I just that makes me feel I really needed to
hear that. That makes me feel so really there.
Speaker 1 (34:47):
Thank you for saying that.
Speaker 2 (34:48):
I'm gonna write that Downeah, really good advice.
Speaker 1 (34:51):
It really changed things to me. You know, I feel like, wow,
I feel like both of us have online a big
online You have a massive online presence, mindless so but
still an online presence. And sometimes people can be really mean, yeah,
really mean, and it's just it really I was talking
(35:12):
to my friend about it and she said that to me.
She was like, listen, none of these people have what
you have. If they did, they wouldn't be saying anything.
Can you imagine someone doing better than you, ever criticizing
you or putting you down. It's like no, because they're
not insecure, because they would have that need to prove
themselves by tall poppy syndrome like we were talking about before.
Speaker 2 (35:36):
So yeah, like Kylie Jenner is not sitting around thinking
like that's a stupid episode. She's more thinking, Okay, don't
want to listen to this or not goodbye, you know,
and then she goes back to her multi billion dollar
company exactly.
Speaker 1 (35:50):
Meanwhile, we're just here like h letting little trolls like
ruin our days. So it's a good thing to remember.
That's a really good advice. I'm glad you liked it. Well,
thank you for coming on, of course, thank you so
much for having me. It was honestly probably one of
my favorite episodes. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I
hope that everyone who is listening right now learned something,
(36:13):
enjoyed it, and let you go and listen to Almost
Adulting and follow Daddy Issues on Instagram because both are
incredible slices and corners of the Internet.
Speaker 2 (36:25):
Yes, thank you so much for having me. Almost Adulting
is on every Tuesday and Thursday. My sole episodes or
guest episodes normally Thursday. My short episodes and more fun
episodes are Tuesdays, available on all platforms, and then I'm
Fellow Benson. You can follow me on Instagram and then
my memacount Daddy Issues Underscore.
Speaker 1 (36:42):
Yeah, it's so funny. I've actually been following Daddy Issues
since I was like nineteen eighteen. Really, yeah, it would
have been a while. I remember, like me and my
friends really lacking it back when I was in So
that's so cool that full circle moment for me. Thank
you everyone for listening today. If you enjoyed this episode,
(37:04):
please feel free to leave a five star review on
Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now if you
feel cold to do so, of course, it really helps
the show to grow. Also, feel free to join the
community and follow us at that Psychology podcast on Instagram.
We take episode suggestions, we'd love to hear from you,
and as always, to have a lovely week wherever you
(37:26):
are in the world, and we will be back next
week for another episode.
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
(00:26):
Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever
you are in the world. We have an exciting guest
today for a very exciting topic. We did a series
on the show called Dating in Your Twenties, and our
guest has decided to join us and share some of
her own wisdom. Violet, how are you going.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
I'm well, thank you so much for having me. I'm
excited to be here.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
Yeah, of course, it felt like such a natural fit.
Honestly so. Violet, if you do not know her, is
the host of the almost adulting podcast otherwise known as
Daddy Issues Online. Some amazing advice given over there and
just like some hard truth skilled So I feel like
this is gonna be a great episode. Yeah, I'm excited.
(01:13):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Yeah, we got we got really, we got on really
well before we started recording, so that was that's always good.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
Yeah. Well, I felt like we were sitting in like
zoom talking because you're in La Yes, yeah, and I'm
in Sydney and we were sitting on the zoom I
think for like half an hour just actually just having
having a yawn as they say in Australia, having a
little chat. So I was like, we're about to pop facts.
Everyone's open your ears wide.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
That's so cute. Okay, your phrases. I could tell you Australia.
The minute you said the word heaps when we're talking
in DMS, I'm like, okay.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
So you're in Australia, what is it heaps?
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Yeah, you said heaps, there's heaps something.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
Oh yeah, yeah, I totally say that. So it's so
funny because I don't notice it until I'm on calls
with people who are based in the US or based
in London, and they'll be like, what did you just say?
And I'm like, I don't know. I also got this
like random DM from someone the other day that was like,
you pronounce all of your words incorrectly, like and I
(02:17):
was like, yeah she was, and then she like was like,
these are the words that I heard in your most
recent episode that were wrong, And I was like, I've
got an Australian accent, Like it's not I know. Yeah,
it's so strange.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
No, it's a real thing. I have gotten before, negative
reviews on my almost adulting podcasts and mean dms when
people get upset with me when I don't pronounce myself,
when I pronounce someone's name or word incorrectly, even though
English is my third language. People forget that whatever countries
you're from, you and the pronouncing words differently.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
Yeah, I'm exact.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
Americans forget that.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Yeah, that's so interesting as well, considering that English is
your third language. Yes, why come on, give me be
nice about it. I feel like if they also spoke
three plus languages, they are welcome to criticize, but if not.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Yeah, it's kind of like if you were trying to
speak French right now, because of how you grew up
speaking English with the Australian accent, you will not be
able to have the proper accent that French people have.
Because I speak Hebrew, I have the perfect French accent
when I speak French, and I'm able to mimic it perfectly.
But Americans will not be able either. And I will
(03:31):
be able to say a lot of words, but that
you guys won't be able to be of how I
grew up, so it's the same thing. Then people from
others speak other languages can't pronounce her in English words
because we've never learned how to pronounce it like that,
or our mouths don't move in that way. I don't
know how to explain it. There's just words, some words
that we just won't be able to ever pronounce.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
I'm not even gonna try and do that awe sounding.
I feel like it's going to be so embarrassing because
I unfortunately only speak one language. How look at that,
Wa're already off online a massive tangent. What we're really
here to talk about today is dating in your twenties,
and I feel like you have a lot of wisdom.
Even before we jumped on this call, you were saying
(04:13):
you're in like a long term relationship for most of
your twenties, weren't you?
Speaker 2 (04:17):
Yes? I was. I was in wouldn't be funny, but
just thinking if I was one of those guests you
asked me a question, I'd just say yes.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Yeah, oh, I'd be working hard.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Okay, So, yes, I was in a relationship most of
my twenties. I was on off with one of with
my second boyfriend, I basically growing up. And well, I
started dating when I was seventeen. I was very much
a late bloomer. I wasn't interested in boys. I'd moved
to America when I was fourteen. I was just trying
to figure out how to speak English, and I was
(04:53):
not even thinking about boys. I did not get them
at all, especially Americans and in Los Angeles right away.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
It's a whole different.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
World with those kids. So and I had my own
issues growing up, aside from I was born with a
birth defect, so it gave me a lot of insecurity
as I stay away from boys until late teenage years.
But also I grew up as I'm known as daddy issues.
I grew up with daddy issues when I got through
my teenage life. So of course that subconsciously formed the
(05:26):
way I started pursuing my partners. I didn't know this yet.
You don't know this as a child, and you don't
know this as an adult that a lot of the
pattern of who you date has a lot to do
with your childhood trauma. You don't realize that yet. So
the guy that I was just it wasn't love.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
It was obsession.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
He was my drug. And I didn't know why he
was my drug, but I was addicted to him. I
was addicted to my relationship for eight years. It was
on and off, and he was just my everything. I
mean when every time we break up, I would not
always felt like I couldn't breathe. I was a person
that I didn't want to get out of bed until
(06:05):
he spoke to me, until I knew we were going
to be okay. It just felt he was my everything.
And of course when you have those type of partners,
they love it. But I guess the type of person
I ended up attracting emotionally unavailable partner. Did I realize that, No,
of course I didn't. I just needed him to love me,
And for eight years, it was this constant chase maybe
one day he will love me, and I did everything
(06:28):
I could to be better for him. For eight years.
I was shaved my body every single day as long
as we were together, My body shaved every single day.
I want to be beautiful for him. Did he still cheat
on me all the time? Yes? Did I know? No?
Because I secretly didn't want to know. I secretly didn't
want to know that because I think I didn't then
want to deal with what would happen if I found out,
because then I would actually have to leave, And that's
(06:50):
a whole other thing. Did I love myself when I
was growing up? No, of course not, because if I did,
I wouldn't have stayed in that relationship. But I think
everything that happens to us, including people we date, it's
not in a way that you look back and you think,
I can't believe I gave him all my twenties. I
can't believe I did this. It's more that was a
life lesson and the reason I stay with my partner
for so long was because the universe was teaching me
(07:13):
over and over again the same mistakes that I was
just for some reason, not learning. And it wasn't until
I learned how to love myself that I removed myself
from that relationship and started working on myself. Do I
have some regrets that a part of me wishes I
didn't give so many of my twenties to someone, just
one person. Yes, but that's what I needed in my
(07:35):
path to learn. I wish I didn't only exit that
relationship in my late twenties and early thirties, and that
was the first time I learned how to date or
I had to unlearn everything I thought love was. I
had to unlearn I had to learn what I like,
what I don't like the other. Because when I got
over that relationship with him, I tried to date guys afterwards,
(07:57):
and I would pick fights with them, thinking that was
going to make us closer. I was picked flights to
get that tension because that's where I grew up with
my dad when I was young, where my dad forgets
I exist, so I have to act out. And when
I act out, even if you be so sure of me,
at least he notices me. So then accidentally in my
relationship and then being the same thing where we will fight,
(08:19):
and that's when my boyfriend payer attention to me and
then we're fine.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
That was so insightful. I was so so insightful. And
I think it really goes to show the complex interaction
between how we were raised and how we approach intimacy
and romantic relationships. And I think people often don't think
that those are linked, right. They're like, Okay, well, you know,
my childhood was a discreet time in my life, and
(08:43):
my adulthood or my adolescence is also a discreet time.
And there's no overlap, but it's like you really are
the still the same person that's traveled through all of
those experiences, and the trauma that you take from those
will be brought into every chapter of your life. How
do you think it was about your attachment style or
(09:04):
how you were raised or your childhood that led you
to be attracted to emotionally unavailable people?
Speaker 2 (09:11):
Okay, so here's the thing. A lot of people when
they listen, they think, well, I don't have daddy issues
that I can't relate, but they may have mommy issues,
or they think I grew up with both my parents together,
or I grew up with that parents, or whatever your
dynamic and your growing up is. You'll be surprised. But
everyone has some type of childhood trauma without even realize it.
(09:31):
And trauma is not as bad of a ward as
people think it is. It just means it's what formed
you into the human being the adult that you are,
and it's up to you now as an adult to
unlearn a lot of these things. So again, even if
you think, well, my dad was really nice to me,
so it was my mom. Let's say there's guys out
there their mom loved them so much. Guess what they
(09:52):
have mommy.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
Issues where they.
Speaker 2 (09:54):
Now attract women like their mother and they hate them.
They're pulsed by them because if they feel suf vocated
and it reminds me of their mother. So then they
end up chasing women who don't love them. So everyone
has their own weird type of dating stuff that has
to do with your parents until you realize it's happening
and you have to learn it, but you have to
(10:15):
be self aware. So I attracted my partner who was
obsessed with who's my second boyfriend? Because my first one
were just chilling, but my second one was like a
drug because he was emotionally unavailable, which was similar to
my father. And the reason we end up attracting these
type of partners not just emotional unavailable, anything that feels familiar.
(10:35):
Anytime in your life you meet someone and one person
you meet and you're like, Okay, maybe I'll go out
with them a few times, maybe I like them. Then
someone else you meet and you're like, WHOA, I like you?
What is this feeling? I don't get it, but if
I love it, and it's because it feels familiar, and
the familiar The reason it feels familiar is because it's
(10:57):
a childhood wound that you have inside yourself that has
an healed and your body feels at home, but not
in a good way, in a way that something hurt
you when you were a child, and that's what's reminding
you of And what's happening is this is the psychology
behind it. We attract partners are similar to our childhood
(11:17):
traumas or our parents when they hurt us, because it's
your brain hoping to revisit the same situation that happened
to you in the past, and it's hoping that the
outcome will be different this time. So if my father
was emotional unavailable, which he was growing up, which but
because I didn't understand his love language yet, So nothing
(11:37):
I say is in a way where I want anyone
to feel sorry for me, because I've worked through that.
For me, my father was emotional unavailable, he didn't know
express his feelings, and he didn't hug me or kiss
me until I was twenty four to twenty five. And
that's because I changed the cycle in our family, because
I made that choice. V Until I decided to make
that choice, I was dating guys like my dad, including
my ex. So I started dating a man who was
(12:00):
also emotional and available, and my brain was hoping, maybe
eventually this guy will love you. So even though when
you were growing up as a kid, your dad didn't
love you, this man will finally give you the validation
they've been searching for years. And guess what, it didn't
happen because no matter what I did, I wasn't enough.
Or that's what it felt like, because love first has
to start with you. That's the longest relationship you're going
(12:21):
to have in your life is a relationship you are
with yourself. You can't continuously seek this outside validation, outside
love if you don't love yourself, because you don't know
not to mention, I don't know what love is. I
grew up with a dad who didn't kiss me, or
hug me, or tell me he loves me. What do
I know what love is? I see my dad being cold,
I think that's love. So that's what I attrack.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
Just like I have.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Friends that grew up in a very abusive household where
their parents were fighting all the time. They end up
attracting a partner that they're fighting with all the time.
They think that's love. So many of us don't realize
but we don't even know what love is.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
I agree, honestly, and especially his people in our twenties.
I think love for us is sometimes just a feeling,
and we think that it's passion, and we think that
it's chaos, or we think that it should just be
this like easy thing, and we really don't know, because
I think, just like trauma, love is also incredibly subjective.
(13:16):
But it's interesting that you talk about how you like
shifted the dynamic because I feel like when I've done
a lot of work with my own therapists around my
attachment style and all that comes with that, and I
think it doesn't just have to do with your parental relationships.
You know. As a child, I was really bullied, was
(13:36):
really badly bullied, and I never really felt like anyone
liked me, that I was like wanted or desired as
a friend. And then as I got like later into
my adolescence as someone people wanted to date. And so
as soon as I went to university and like people
were like attracted to me and there was alcohol and
I was there was all this freedom, and I was
(13:59):
living in college, which I had no standards for myself
because I was like, well, I have this in a
childhood wound of not feeling wanted and feeling unlovable. So
the moment that someone comes in and is like, you know,
even just wants to have sex with you, They don't
want to give you anything more, my brain was like, well,
that's showing that they want you, and that's like a really,
(14:19):
that's something that you've always wanted. That's something that you're
really like, you've always desired, and wouldn't it be amazing
to finally have that. So I basically just didn't have
any standards for myself and would attract people who treated
me badly or who were like almost cruel or super
ambivalent towards like our relationship.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
I don't know, actually you didn't know what love was.
Of course, of course you equated that to love, because
you said I felt unlovable. People didn't want to be
my friends. And the thing is that was the reality
you create to yourself. And when we feel that way
about ourselves, it doesn't matter what's happening on the outside.
We don't see it. And eventually you grew up and
you realize, well, all these people around me are trying
(15:00):
to love me, and I'm not even seeing it because
I'm so focused on people don't love me because I
grew up feeling unlovable. So again, you don't know what
love is. So then you only then end up being
drawn to people who don't love you, or you end
up being drawn to someone that, even for a night,
gives you sex because in that moment, you feel desirable
and you feel wanted. And I for the longest time
(15:22):
with my ex boyfriend, all we had really is sex
that we didn't really talk. I didn't know how to
open up to people. I never talked about my feelings,
so I did even though that was my one partner sexually,
It's all I had to offer him was my body.
I want to be beautiful for him. I was having
sex with him, so I also equated sex with love,
(15:43):
and that's the thing that a lot of women do.
And I've tried to talk about that before. And of
course some people may not agree with my opinion when
I say hold off on sex, but I believe it's
genuinely important, especially if you're someone who still has to
figure out your emotions and mental health and to put
yourself first and to learn how to love yourself. If
you accidentally fall off through sex, which has been a
(16:05):
thing for me, then hold off because you want to
get to know somebody on an emotional level before you
catch up to it in a physical level. But you
ask me something else, and I'm sorry that I ended
up forgetting what you were talking about.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
Honestly, it just shows that you're passionate, and I feel
like that's so passionate. When I tell I know I
love it, it's like, honestly, so refreshing. But it's interesting.
I just want to quickly talk on this. I was
loostly looking into this research the other day. Sex creates
like an emotional and neural bond with someone. Not saying
that that doesn't mean yeah, for women is like in particular,
(16:44):
and I'm not saying that that doesn't mean you can
have as much casual sex as you want, but it's
worth noting that when you are physically closed with someone
in that manner, whatever sex is for you in that moment,
the amount of like oxytocin, which is like the chemical
associated with happiness but also bonding that is released. It's
no wonder that so many people, I think, find themselves
(17:06):
they've had sex with someone and then suddenly they're like,
oh my god, I'm attached, you've got to also know
what you want. Like I started doing this thing where
I realized that I was very actively going for people
who I actually didn't even respect or have anything in
common with because I was like, oh, you know, well
then they'll never leave me and I'll feel loved. And
it basically like retrained my brain into not feeling that
(17:29):
I actually deserve the love that I want it. So
now I like have I like went to my therapist
and was like, this is happening. I keep getting like
obsessed over these men who I don't even respect.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
I get obsessed over them.
Speaker 1 (17:40):
Not anymore. This was like back maybe like a year
and a half ago. I like went to her and
was like, I am like there would be men who
were violent, like they would be like sovice. Like literally
one of them was was living with it, like living
out of his car and with his friends. No shame
to that, Like people go through different life circumstances.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
And he woke up with you and he said, you
know what, I think I can do better?
Speaker 1 (18:04):
Oh yeah, probably, Like I think it was a long relationship,
but like there was another one who's like he's like
I still live at home with my mom and I
hate my job, but I only worked three days a
week and I know. I was like, what are you
interested in? And he's like, I don't really know, like
watching TV? And I was like, I was like, are
you the love of my life?
Speaker 2 (18:25):
Because it's like if you have hobbies, I can be
I can be your hobby because I'm interested in me.
Speaker 1 (18:31):
Yeah. And the other thing was like he couldn't drive,
and I was like, I can teach him how to drive,
and then you know what, he can depend on me
exactly it was. It was toxic and like I can
look at that now and be like I get that.
I get where that was coming from. I get where
that was bad because I've healed that part of myself.
But the way that I did that was like I
literally set out like point blank in my notes. I
(18:52):
wrote it in my diary, like what is the bare
minimum here? Like what do I want? And after like dates,
I would go back and be like did they actually
meet this? If I couldn't really tell, I would go
on a second date. But if it was like no,
then I was like I always messaged them being like
I'm really like I had a really amazing time, but
this isn't going anywhere, and it's like a massive thing
(19:12):
you need to learn. So I think my question to
you was like, what do you think that, what do
you wish you'd known at that time, or what do
you wish you'd known earlier as someone back in their twenties.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Well, A, I wish. It's hard to say because a
part of me wants to say I wish I learned
how to love myself sooner. But then I also think
I needed to have all these life lessons. But I
guess if I was being unrealistic and more dream in dreamland,
and it's yes, if I could have the same outcome
(19:45):
as now, if nothing would change, it's something that I
could wish that I learned faster. It's probably how to
love myself and how to walk away from a partner
that was never going to love me because it was
never about that person, and I wish that I didn't,
You know what, Actually I wish I wish that I
would have been more brave and learn and change my
(20:10):
generational trauma and my family's dynamic sooner, because so many
years I was always so afraid of being rejected by
my father, which sounds so silly for anyone out there
that doesn't have the type of issues, whether it's your
mother or your father, But it's this weird rejection because
people don't realize if you have daddy issues, the first
man that breaks your heart technically is your father, which
(20:32):
is a little strange. But I didn't really grow up
with him. And then I remember when I saw one
of my friends hug my dad. I didn't understand why
she even did that. And I was like, wait, you
just asked your dad for advice and you guys just
hugged just like that. That's so weird. She goes, do
you not hug your dad? And I go, well, I
don't even know what you would do. But if I
tried to hug him and he was like, ew, why
(20:52):
are you touching me? That's so not our dynamic. It's weird.
So it took me years until and I never would
say a lot to him because I was scared he
would laugh at my face or he would reject me,
and I was scared of the rejection. And that kind
of created the rest of my identity where it was
around the male gaze, where I was insecure enough that
(21:14):
I stay with my ex for so long, and I was.
I was just there to be pretty and have sex
with my boyfriend while he was cheating on me. But
that was my role, and I still didn't know who
I was. So when I one day as an I
used to be an accountant. Oh why Yeah, I have
two degrees, So I used to be an accountant. That's
(21:35):
one of my degrees at a big public accounting firm.
And when I was getting bullied at the firm, it's
actually one of the reasons I started Daddy Issues. So honestly,
bless them for bullying.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Strong.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
I wonder how they're going, Yeah, how are you going? Friends?
Speaker 2 (21:51):
So because of that, I created Daddy Issues secretly, and
Daddy Issues when I created it, and I got to
see with just through memes that my and when I
created Daddy Issues, I created an alter ego because at
this point I had no idea who I was, and
I felt so invisible. I had no identity, and the
people created me. Because when I started posting random things anonymously,
because I was anonymous for almost two years, is when
(22:12):
I suddenly got to see, oh, other people can relate.
Oh I thought I was alone in this okay, And
that gave me the and when I created Daddy Issues,
I wrote about a girl who was my alter ego
because I can never be as cool as her. She
was a popular girl. She was a skinny, pretty girl
that everyone liked. She grew up rich. I grew up poor.
She had all the money, she had, all the drugs,
(22:33):
all the boys liked her. I was so invisible, or
at least thought that was my view, that was my reality.
And that's how I was able to have the confidence
to run Daddy Issues, which is so funny because I
was pretending to be her, and that gave me and
seeing how people could relate that I'm not alone, it
gave me the confidence. And the first time I life that,
I said, you know what, I don't care anymore if
(22:53):
my dad's going to reject me, because I want to
tell him that I love him. Because my father may
not have who knows when how many more years I
have with him. I want him to know that I
love him, and that's all that matters. And I want
to hug my dad, and I'm okay if he says no,
or because at least I tried so, because at least
then he'll know that I love him. So I started
doing that. It was a practice I started. I started
(23:16):
on the phone when we were about to talk on
the phone barely but we're about to hang up, and
I would say, wait, Dad, hold on. He's like what,
I'm like, I love you, and it's like he hang ups.
Then eventually I'm like, way, Dad, I love you. Silence
stays on the phone, say on the phone, hangs up.
Then eventually, Dad, I love you. Silence me too, hang up.
(23:38):
Then eventually I love you. I love you too. I
know it's so sweet.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
That is really sweet.
Speaker 2 (23:46):
Yeah, And then eventually started, you know, trying to hug
each other and all that, and now my whole family
dynamic is so different and in a weird way, that
helped me learn how to love myself. And I helped
me stop feeling this bless you. Sorry, I get so
sensitive about my dad's so that's okay. It helped me
(24:07):
stop feary like my dad's love was the scariest thing
to me. So once I wasn't scared of being rejected
by my father, almost felt like I was free because
even in that moment, I would have known whether or
not he was going to be super kate, and if
he didn't, I would have finally let it go, and
if he did, whatever, But in that moment also is
when I got to learn love languages and all that
(24:29):
and attachmentselves, and I got to learn that my father
did try his whole life to love me. I just
didn't know because my dad's love language was putting a
roof over my head and acts of service because his
father was an alcoholic drug who got beat up to
death when he was when my dad was seventeen for
being a Jew in Communist Russia, and he left my
father and his mother with nothing. So my dads were
(24:51):
to never be like his father, to provide us with
the home and get me through school. And that's exactly
what he did. That's how he showed me his love.
But I didn't know because I'm just a child. I
just want to be hugged and I don't have that.
But he didn't grow up with that. So as an adult,
I got to learn that, and I got to forgive
my father for not knowing any better, and I got
to show him love and he gets to give me
(25:13):
love back, and I get to show love to the world.
And that's actually one of the reasons I created my
podcast because it was me being so fascinating curious about
all these things I didn't grow up with, and it
made me want to as I'm learning everything, I want
to share it with my audience.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
Oh that's so beautiful, it really is, and a massive
testament to you that I think not many people have
the self awareness and the vulnerability to actually approach that
issue within their family. Like so many people just kind
of get to the point where they're like, this is
how it's always going to be beautifully changed. Like you
(25:52):
healed your generational and trauma, Like you genuinely did that
as a single individual. You sat back and were like,
this is mine to fix and you did it. And
that's so nice. Oh it's so deserving. You're so deserving
of that as well. And what do you think when
I really want to pick up on what you talked
about when you talked about love languages as well? Do
(26:14):
you did a minute? Do you want to pause from fine? Okay?
Are you sure getting away? Period?
Speaker 2 (26:21):
Start? Oh?
Speaker 1 (26:22):
Okay? Do you think that knowing what you now know
about your dad's love language has changed your love languages
over time or changed how you approach, how you communicate
or show your love language?
Speaker 2 (26:42):
So I think as we get older, our love languages
are constantly changing as we are constantly evolving, hopefully, which
is what you should be doing. And I think the
coolest thing about love languages is that we don't realize
two things. Number one, the love languages that you have
as an adult, actually the love languages you didn't get
as a child. Yes, voice, so my love languages were
(27:05):
touch and words of information, but I didn't know that
was my love languages. But that's what I lacked. And
the love language I was giving to other people were
gifts and acts of service because that's what I grew
up with my father. And the second thing that we
don't know about love languages aside from it's always changing,
So I guess the second thing is that it's always changing.
So then the third thing we don't realize love languages
(27:27):
applied to everything, and a lot of times we tend
to apply them only in dating. And then how often
do we have breakups with our friends? And that's a
thing that we never really talk about friendship breakups and
the friends. But love languages also happened in your friendships,
in your family dynamic with my sister, my sister and
(27:48):
I during the pandemic. We had a really big fight
and I just couldn't get it. She called me selfish
all these words, and I did, and she said, you
make you just don't love me. It feels like you
don't care about me. And I said, I don't understand.
I'm trying so hard to show you that I love you.
Every day I text you how amazing you are and
how much you're killing it, and I've been buying your
(28:08):
children gifts because I love you so much. She goes,
You're so fucking shallow, Like it's like you never answer
my text, you don't call me, and then you just
tell me I'm amazing. What does that even mean? And
that's when I sat down. Instead of attacking my sister
back and not speaking to her whatever people like to
do these days, I realized, wait, why would she say
I'm shallow? I don't get it. I'm showing you that
(28:29):
I love her. And then I realized, wait, does she
not feel loved by me? What does this mean? And
then I started digging into love languages and I realized, oh,
I bet we have different love languages. I bet I'm
doing my best to show her that I love her,
but she's not speaking the same love language as me,
so to her, she feels un love by her own
sister and we're best friends. And that's when I realized, Karen,
(28:53):
what's your love language? And said, what are you talking about?
And I said, Karen, just do the test, the random
free test on Google languages. I think that's where we
have the issue. So again I put my ego aside
to figure out instead of taking what she said personally,
to understand how can I make my sister feel loved?
And that's when I realized, for her, what is it
(29:14):
physical touch and quality time or her love languages? So
we are the pandemic, so we can't do quality time.
So she's missing that, and I mean physical touch and
the quality time I'm not. I'm so busy with work
that's not priority for me to answer people's sex right
away or to call. So I'm doing what I know best,
which is hey, you're doing great, or you look so
cute in that outfit, because that works for me, but
(29:37):
for her it's shallow. So once I realized that my
phone's always on, do not disturb, But with my sister,
I remove that. So she texts me, I answer right away.
I always call her I check in with her now
the pandemic's over, and make sure to spend time with
her because I know that's what's important to her. Is
it one of my It is technically one of my
love languages now, but in the past was it No?
(29:59):
But because I knew that's have she feelt loved, I
made the effort to do that. So I think it's
the same thing with couples as well. You should ask
each other or your friends what are your love languages,
and even if those are not your love languages, then
you can put the effort to make the other person
feel loved because a lot it's so sad the fact
that all these years growing up with my father, he
(30:20):
did his best in his own way to show me
that you loved me, and I've was this lonely child
thinking what does my father hate me so much? You know?
Speaker 1 (30:29):
Yeah, that's so rough, I think, but it shows a
great maturity and I think self awareness to recognize that
your love languages aren't just for what you need, but
therefore what others want to receive from you as well,
and you have to adapt them to different circumstances, especially
in relationships where you really love the person and I
(30:50):
think a familial and a sister relationship is such a
good example of that where it's like, okay, I feel
like sometimes love languages don't really apply in like the
early stages of dating if you're not like committed to
each other. But when it comes to those like lifelong
relationships that are always going to be by your side,
(31:10):
it's worth really acknowledging, like where your capacity for showing
love and the kind of love you show has come from,
and how it can change over time, because I also agree,
I do believe that it will change, and there are
certain people in your life who will change that for you.
Like I think I was always someone who I thought
my love language was like physical touch and words of affirmation.
(31:31):
And then I had this boyfriend who was so generous
with me and would always give me gifts that he'd
really thought about, and I always felt so awkward about
receiving those, and I I was always like oh no, no, no,
like this is weird. This is like what are you doing?
You're bribing me?
Speaker 2 (31:46):
Like what are you bribing me?
Speaker 1 (31:48):
I don't know. I just I wasn't used to it.
I was like worth yeah, I was like, this actually
makes me uncomfortable and then he was like, no, I'm
actually just doing this because I love you. And I
was like, and then it can change. And now I'm
much better at receiving gifts from people when I'm like,
you know, when they've really a bad way.
Speaker 2 (32:06):
He knew how to express himself.
Speaker 1 (32:07):
Yeah, and it was so sweet. It was really sweet.
He like, yeah, he was a good boyfriend. Shout out
to that boyfriend. He was a goodie. Before we wrap up,
I do want to ask just like one final question here,
because I feel like a lot of what we've spoken
about today is navigating our childhood wounds and these versions
of our younger self that we have to adapt and
(32:29):
bring into our current selves and understand and love. So
what would you say to like your younger self, that
little girl who didn't feel particularly loved or seen by
her father, or any of those versions of you.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
I guess what I would tell my younger self. I
would tell my younger self that all the things in
that moment that I think are important and matter will
not matter a couple of years from now. Whether it
was dying to be popular in high school, to be
seen the boys that I thought were cool, the guys
that I was seeing the none of them matter and
wanting to get love from people that ever loved me,
(33:03):
that all that would not matter as long as love myself.
I think the biggest lesson I could have given my
younger self is that no one else knows what they're doing,
and everyone else is just as insecure as you are.
That's the biggest lesson that I would take away. And
it took me a lot of years to learn that
no one else, everyone else is a loser just like you.
(33:24):
Because first you're like, I'm the biggest loser in this room,
and then you're like, wait, no, everyone else is a
loser in this room. No one is thinking about you.
No one's thinking about me right now. No one's judging me,
no one gives a shit about me. And you know what,
that's beautiful. That's amazing because I didn't get to walk
around and live my life and do everything I want
to do because no one gives a shit. We spent
so much of our lives caring so much what everyone
(33:45):
else thinks, until one day we realize that no one
was ever thinking about us at all. They were thinking
about themselves and their ibs and and you know, the
guy who didn't text them and whatever it else, they
weren't thinking. They don't give a shit. Then you forgot
to brush your hair. They weren't looking at you, and
tomorrow they're not going to remember that because they're going
to think about something else. So you're going to spend
your whole life what not moving forward, not doing sure
(34:07):
because God forbid, someone else is going to judge you.
Fuck those people you know tells you not to do something,
it's people that are too scared to do it themselves.
So what I would tell my younger self is to
everyone's so insecure and to not listen to other people
to tell me that I can't do something or that
I or know, because what the F did they know?
Speaker 1 (34:24):
Mmm? I totally agree. One of my friends said this
to me the other day and it really resonated. It
was like, you will never be judged by someone doing
better than you. No one doing better than you is
ever going to judge down on you because they know
you know.
Speaker 2 (34:41):
I just that makes me feel I really needed to
hear that. That makes me feel so really there.
Speaker 1 (34:47):
Thank you for saying that.
Speaker 2 (34:48):
I'm gonna write that Downeah, really good advice.
Speaker 1 (34:51):
It really changed things to me. You know, I feel like, wow,
I feel like both of us have online a big
online You have a massive online presence, mindless so but
still an online presence. And sometimes people can be really mean, yeah,
really mean, and it's just it really I was talking
(35:12):
to my friend about it and she said that to me.
She was like, listen, none of these people have what
you have. If they did, they wouldn't be saying anything.
Can you imagine someone doing better than you, ever criticizing
you or putting you down. It's like no, because they're
not insecure, because they would have that need to prove
themselves by tall poppy syndrome like we were talking about before.
Speaker 2 (35:36):
So yeah, like Kylie Jenner is not sitting around thinking
like that's a stupid episode. She's more thinking, Okay, don't
want to listen to this or not goodbye, you know,
and then she goes back to her multi billion dollar
company exactly.
Speaker 1 (35:50):
Meanwhile, we're just here like h letting little trolls like
ruin our days. So it's a good thing to remember.
That's a really good advice. I'm glad you liked it. Well,
thank you for coming on, of course, thank you so
much for having me. It was honestly probably one of
my favorite episodes. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I
hope that everyone who is listening right now learned something,
(36:13):
enjoyed it, and let you go and listen to Almost
Adulting and follow Daddy Issues on Instagram because both are
incredible slices and corners of the Internet.
Speaker 2 (36:25):
Yes, thank you so much for having me. Almost Adulting
is on every Tuesday and Thursday. My sole episodes or
guest episodes normally Thursday. My short episodes and more fun
episodes are Tuesdays, available on all platforms, and then I'm
Fellow Benson. You can follow me on Instagram and then
my memacount Daddy Issues Underscore.
Speaker 1 (36:42):
Yeah, it's so funny. I've actually been following Daddy Issues
since I was like nineteen eighteen. Really, yeah, it would
have been a while. I remember, like me and my
friends really lacking it back when I was in So
that's so cool that full circle moment for me. Thank
you everyone for listening today. If you enjoyed this episode,
(37:04):
please feel free to leave a five star review on
Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now if you
feel cold to do so, of course, it really helps
the show to grow. Also, feel free to join the
community and follow us at that Psychology podcast on Instagram.
We take episode suggestions, we'd love to hear from you,
and as always, to have a lovely week wherever you
(37:26):
are in the world, and we will be back next
week for another episode.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
Popular Podcasts
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy And Charlamagne Tha God!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Decisions, Decisions
Welcome to "Decisions, Decisions," the podcast where boundaries are pushed, and conversations get candid! Join your favorite hosts, Mandii B and WeezyWTF, as they dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often-taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday, Mandii and Weezy invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, they share their personal journeys navigating their 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engaging in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that resonate with your experiences, "Decisions, Decisions" is your go-to source for open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections—tune in and join the conversation!