May 11, 2023 • 48 mins
This week, I'm joined by the fabulous Al and Sal, the hosts of Two Broke Chicks, to discuss how we can maintain our identity in a relationship, especially in our 20s. Our romantic relationships are fundamental elements of our identity and we all crave the warm and fuzzy feelings that accompany dating someone wonderful. But how do we ensure that our partners and relationship do not take over our lives, our identity and our independence? We break down the everyday practices to ensure our individuality remains strong, why you shouldn't neglect your friendships and how to identify when you may need to draw back and spend some time alone. Listen now.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in
the world. Today we have an incredibly special episode. I've
invited on two of my friends who run their own podcast,
Two Broke Chicks, to discuss relationships. I think on this
(00:43):
show as someone who is single, we only really talk
about the beginnings and the ends, the dating or the breakup.
But today we're going to talk about something a little
bit more nuanced, which is how our relationships, particularly our
romantic relationships in our twenties, interact with our identity and
how to maintain our identities in a relationship. So welcome
(01:06):
salan Al. How are you both going?
Speaker 3 (01:08):
I'm excited.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
I'm so excited.
Speaker 4 (01:11):
Hello.
Speaker 5 (01:12):
We are so happy to be here, and we're big
fans of Jem and this show, so it's just match
made in heaven.
Speaker 6 (01:19):
Also, Jem, you have such a beautiful voice. I was
getting like hypnotized almost in the intro.
Speaker 3 (01:25):
Thank you now I'm feeling someone.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Else episode for everyone.
Speaker 6 (01:32):
Seriously, we're probably like a really harsh difference everyone.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Well, I think they need that. Also, I love when
people from Australia come on the show because a lot
of the time I have people from the US or
the UK, So now they can hear three Australian.
Speaker 5 (01:48):
Yeah you're blood again, yea hey yahout laugh.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
Took my shield to the pub the other day. I've
got a beer and now.
Speaker 4 (01:57):
We're day Sedy and I said, do you want to
baby Gil.
Speaker 5 (02:06):
We have a trademark term on our show called the
horny Sheila.
Speaker 4 (02:11):
Oh yeah, it's us.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
That's the energy that Yeah, well I love that and
thank you for bringing that energy to the show today.
So the thing that was really interesting to me when
I was thinking about this topic is that we are
all in very different stages of the relationship spectrum. So
I am single as a pringle except for just get
a dam from certain someone.
Speaker 4 (02:35):
So of a sit kitten, I am.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
A bit of a smitten kitten.
Speaker 4 (02:39):
Thanks guys.
Speaker 5 (02:43):
It was like when you have like that crush or
you like someone and then they send you a message
and you're like you.
Speaker 3 (02:49):
Literally just float for the rest of the day, it
really is.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
I've been floating for the last like ten minutes. So basically,
I'm almost in a new relationship.
Speaker 4 (03:00):
You thinking is spring wedding not native floral arrangements?
Speaker 2 (03:04):
Yes, of course. So anyhow, No, I'm very single, have
been for over a year. But I did start this
podcast after a pretty serious breakup, so that's where this
whole concept came from. I have just you've recently entered
into a new relationship.
Speaker 5 (03:22):
So I was single for about three years before that,
I was in relationships for about five.
Speaker 4 (03:28):
Years, and then.
Speaker 5 (03:31):
Yeah, I had I think what I felt was that
I was very attached to the identity that I got
back in that three years of being single and the
effort that I had to put into rebuilding that identity.
And we can get into a bit later, but how
I felt like I lost my identity in those earlier relationships,
and then the effort that it took to.
Speaker 4 (03:51):
Feel like me again really kind of deterred me.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
From getting into a relationship.
Speaker 5 (03:56):
That I was like, I don't I don't need anyone,
Like I got in that headspace of I don't need anyone.
I'm so happy being single, So like good doing me,
and like I would date and you know, and then
I would have moments of being like, oh.
Speaker 4 (04:08):
Do I want a relationship?
Speaker 5 (04:10):
And then I met my now partner and I was like, ah, shit,
he was a really good one and I was like, yeah,
I like you. And so then now I'm kind of
like in that phase that We've been dating for about
nine months now, so it's still quite early, but I
think we've gone through that like honeymoon period and it's
just really nice. But also, how do I navigate from
(04:34):
being so independent and single to being in like the
most perfect relationship ever.
Speaker 6 (04:40):
It's like a very steady relationship even though it is
so new, relatively new.
Speaker 5 (04:46):
I'm like and also I'm the queen of self sabotage sometimes,
so like there'd been moments and I can't.
Speaker 4 (04:53):
Be talking and sound.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
She'd be like shut up.
Speaker 4 (04:55):
She'd be like, you don't need to do this.
Speaker 6 (04:57):
I literally would say, you were trying to ruin this,
like you were self sabotaging right now in this moment.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
Stop it.
Speaker 5 (05:04):
You need a friend like that sometimes, And that's because
sal Isu.
Speaker 6 (05:09):
Yeah, I've been in a relationship with my partner Chris
for almost fifteen years, so it'll be fifteen years in August.
Speaker 4 (05:18):
She's a veteran.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
And how did you meet him?
Speaker 6 (05:21):
We met on MySpace on my Space literally, Wow. So
we were both like two little emos when we were
teenagers slash.
Speaker 3 (05:30):
I never grew out of it. It was never a phase, mum.
Speaker 6 (05:34):
But we met through mutual friends from going to gigs
and whatnot. But he added me on MySpace and that's
how we actually met. Wow, and then we just like
hung out from there.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
Wow. That's a beautiful story kids meet on MySpace. That's
a good one to tell. And I think that it's
very interesting that we're all sitting here with different perspectives
to discuss what we really want to discuss today, which
is how do you maintain your identity in a relationship,
Because our romantic relationships are a massive facet of our lives,
(06:07):
particularly in our twenties, but within every period, I think
that this is the time when a lot of us
start to contemplate the idea of a life partner, We
start to date a round, we start to have standards,
and most of us are in.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
Operative.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Word yeah right, yeah, Well that's my honestly, I feel
like that's my experience where I've hit my mid twenties,
and I'm like, alrighty, so like early mid twenties and
been like okay, now, like dating is, it's still fun,
but it's not something that I'm doing impulsively because I
(06:48):
now understand that the person I'm with is going to
create a large part of how I see myself and
how I see my life and my future plans. So
how do you think that transition for you was out
because you came from where I am now, you know,
in a very from a place of almost hyperindependence, it
(07:09):
sounds like, and then suddenly had to adapt to having
this other person in your life. And you said there
was a bit of self sabotage going on.
Speaker 4 (07:19):
I think so, yeah, I think.
Speaker 5 (07:20):
I So when I entered my single girl era, I
was definitely not independent. I definitely relied on my relationships
to kind of keep me entertained. Kind of I pulled
a lot of worse from them in terms of myself
because my first relationship, I was independent, but that person
(07:45):
relied on me a lot that like I was that
person's universe, and that was a lot of pressure. My
second relationship I went to like the other end of
the spectrum that I was like, I was someone who
doesn't even shit about me, that just like has their
own life. And then that was like and then it
was the end of the spectrum.
Speaker 4 (08:00):
I was like, wait, no, like love me. And so
then I kind of.
Speaker 5 (08:05):
Had this tugger or internally of you know, not really
knowing what I wanted or who I was because I
kind of molded myself to these people and what they
needed or what.
Speaker 4 (08:16):
They didn't give me.
Speaker 5 (08:17):
And so then when I was single, I really had
to kind of go back and figure out who I was,
what I wanted, and what I enjoyed just by myself.
Like first that first things first. I don't think you
can know who your identity is in a relationship until
you understand who that identity is as our Lord and savior.
Rue Paul says, if you don't love yourself, how the
(08:39):
hell are you going to love somebody else?
Speaker 4 (08:41):
And I didn't love myself.
Speaker 5 (08:43):
I didn't have that, and it took a really long
time to build that up.
Speaker 4 (08:48):
And you know, your friends is a really big part
of that.
Speaker 5 (08:52):
Being able to be comfortable on your own is a
really big part of that. And in those three years
I had so much fun, the best time, and kind
of what you were saying before that. For a good
chunk of that time, it was dating for the story.
It was dating for fun and just living life and
realizing things. As Kylie Jenner said in twenty sixteen.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
Wow Flush Back, she has her she has her sources,
she has a references twenty sixteen at all you.
Speaker 4 (09:24):
Actually, I saw the video the other day and that.
Speaker 3 (09:26):
Is the year and.
Speaker 5 (09:30):
In that time I experienced so many new things. I
like literally changed my sexuality in that time, Like I
experimented with girls and realized that, hey, oh, do you
know what, it's probably a bit weird to continue scissoring
your barbies at sixteen years old.
Speaker 4 (09:46):
But I'm just kidding.
Speaker 5 (09:47):
I wasn't doing that, but I would always kind of
feel like That'd be like, oh, like do I like girls?
Speaker 4 (09:53):
I was like, I don't know, like I could kiss them, And.
Speaker 6 (09:55):
I'm like, oh, you're gay, Like you're trying to convince yourself.
And then you finally gave yourself the freedom to be like,
let me embrace this with no label.
Speaker 5 (10:06):
Yeah, And so then I think when I got to
the point that I was like, Okay, this is me,
Like I know what my identity is because it's so
hard if you don't know what that is to not
mold yourself to the person that you start dating, and
you start molding yourself to their likes and their dislikes,
and it's so important to keep your likes and dislikes
(10:27):
even if that's not compatible to the other person. So
I think what was different about, you know, this relationship
that I'm in now, was that I had the confidence
to just be myself. I had the confidence to be like,
if you don't like it, that's fine, because I like me, and.
Speaker 4 (10:46):
You don't want to date someone that doesn't like you.
Speaker 5 (10:50):
Like there's so often I always had a boyfriend turn
around to me and say, yeah, I love you, just
sometimes I don't like you, I know, and I laughed like.
Speaker 3 (10:59):
I thought it was funny.
Speaker 4 (11:01):
And now I look back and I'm like, that was
really mean.
Speaker 6 (11:05):
Ru.
Speaker 4 (11:06):
Well, I don't know.
Speaker 6 (11:06):
We're having this conversation yesterday about how that is a
real trope in relationships, like guys being like, oh, like
we've got the you know, I'm out with the boys,
like free of the ball on chain or you know,
like people speak about their partners like that, and it's like, no,
you should actually like each other and there should be
joy there and.
Speaker 3 (11:25):
You should want to spend time with them. It's weird.
Speaker 2 (11:27):
That is so weird to me, and I think that
it's honestly a hard thing to learn your own worth,
especially having been through experiences like that. Like I know
that I have as well, this person that I dated,
like probably two years ago, I became a completely different
person for them. I sacrificed friendships for that person, and
(11:50):
I regret it all the time, like I still to
this day. I don't think about him much except for
the choices that I would definitely not make again. And
it's interesting because then recently I had a very similar incident,
like a very similar experience with someone where they the
exact same situation happened, and I remember sitting there and
(12:11):
being like, I have two choices here. Do I do
the thing that I've done before, do I make that
mistake again, or I've learnt this lesson, Let's go the
other way. And I went the other way. And I
think that that's a big part of how relationships can
also form you as they teach you these important lessons
that then you can take to not just your next relationship,
(12:32):
but your friendships and your morals and your values. I
do want to quickly ask you a question because I'm
fascinated by this. I don't like, I genuinely am because
I imagined the person I was dating when I was
like in my teen years, and I saw this TikTok
the other day and it was like, would you rather
still be working your first job or would you rather
still be with the person you were dating when you
(12:54):
were seventeen?
Speaker 4 (12:54):
Oh my god, I said.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
I totally was like, boostjuice, I'm coming back. Yeah, making
those mango magics for the rest of my life.
Speaker 4 (13:04):
Give me those cinnamon donuts again. I'm down.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
Yeah, those both sound like great choices.
Speaker 4 (13:09):
Amazing. Can I get a tropical crush?
Speaker 2 (13:12):
My goodness, No, no, I'm out of office. But I
guess the question is what has that been like for you?
And I know that you've gotten a lot of Sometimes
people have said to you like, don't you wish you
had tried a few more tried before you buy or
tried a few more people are like gone out there
and had that single girl era that you were just
(13:35):
talking about out and what would be your response to that?
Speaker 6 (13:38):
So I think at first I really did question if
that was something that I should be doing. And was like, oh,
like am I I've always been happy in my relationship,
but questions like that made me wonder if is it
just because this is all I've known?
Speaker 3 (13:55):
Do I need to go out and explore something else?
Speaker 6 (13:57):
But I think the response that I give people now
is that over the last fifteen years, there's never been
one time where I've interacted with anyone that made me
even question my relationship or tempted me.
Speaker 5 (14:10):
Excuse me, I'm sitting right here, You're.
Speaker 6 (14:13):
The one thing, oully, But yeah, just like I just
try to listen to my gut and like what I
want to do.
Speaker 3 (14:23):
I'm the sort of person that if you tell me to.
Speaker 6 (14:25):
Do something, I'll probably just do the exact opposite out
of spite.
Speaker 3 (14:29):
So yeah, I don't know. I was like.
Speaker 6 (14:33):
What and be like, you guys, like, it doesn't really
seem like any of my friends were having heaps of
fun during that stage.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
We were not. We are not well, not you.
Speaker 3 (14:44):
Guys specifically, I mean the people that were asking.
Speaker 5 (14:46):
Question because a lot of the time, when that's getting
projected on you, I think it is maybe coming from
a place of insecurity in some instances.
Speaker 4 (14:55):
Yeah, but don't you want to be single?
Speaker 5 (14:57):
Because that might be a little bit of more of
them reaching for a bit of comfortability, being like, yeah,
but it's good to be single.
Speaker 4 (15:04):
It's good, like I'm enjoying this, So that reassurance that
is like, oh.
Speaker 5 (15:09):
But I'm good for being in this position that maybe
looking at someone it is when you are single, you
look at people in relationships and sometimes you are like, oh,
thank god, I'm not in a relationship, Like you can
do all this fun stuff.
Speaker 4 (15:20):
I can do whatever I want to do.
Speaker 5 (15:21):
And then sometimes you are like that would be nice,
and I think, what is so the way that you
increase and like, well, I feel like I've learned from
you guys as well now in a new relationship is
that you only have so much energy to give in life,
and that's got to be split across work, friends, your
(15:44):
own time, your hobbies, and then you add a partner
into that. And so you've only got like one hundred
percent of a tank. So if you're splitting that, you know,
twenty five percent against across like work, friends, your own time,
and then your whole you've then got to take that
time away from something. And because you need to obviously
(16:05):
invest time in a relationship, but what can often happen
is people pull all of that twenty five percent that
split across everything and they put one hundred percent into
that relationship. And that's a mistake that I'd made in
the past, and that's something that I've never seen you
do Sow and like the way that it's been so
(16:26):
important and it's an effort to do because when you
do meet someone that you really like and you do
enter that relationship, you are the most smitten kitten. You're like,
I'm obsessed with this person. I want to smell their
neck every day.
Speaker 4 (16:37):
Like literally, I'm like, oh that's good stuff. Oh my god.
Speaker 5 (16:41):
Yeah, and like you are obsessed with them and that's
so good, Like keep that, but be obsessed with them
in like moderation, have nights away from each other, have
those moments that like you allow yourselves to miss each
other a little bit, and it's so important that you
don't pull all the like reserve energy and other tanks
(17:01):
and put it into that one because what happens if
that doesn't work out?
Speaker 2 (17:05):
Yeah, And totally no, no no.
Speaker 5 (17:08):
But I was just and like I think as well,
communicating and holding down the fort on your once your
enjoyments on what you had when you were single is
really important.
Speaker 4 (17:20):
Like we talk about this all the time on Two
Broad Chicks, but.
Speaker 5 (17:23):
I love a smutty fairy book, Like it's just my
happy place in my little fantasy land with two enemies
to lovers, and it's just the best trope. And like
we went on holidays and maybe for like two or
three hours of the day, we'd just go and do
our own thing, like we weren't spending the whole day
(17:44):
together because I'd want to go read my book for
like an hour, or maybe go for a walk, or he'd.
Speaker 4 (17:49):
Want to go like do something. I don't know what
boys do in there.
Speaker 5 (17:55):
He's like a big YouTube watch us, so he would
like just want to go watch YouTube and just like
turn off for a bit like that, and we would
just go spend time on our own doing our own wants.
Speaker 4 (18:05):
Or whenever there's a.
Speaker 5 (18:06):
Thing like I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm going to go
stay at sales, He's just like okay. It's never like oh,
but I'm going to miss you so much, don't go.
Or if we do say that, we don't mean it.
Like if I'm like, oh, you're going to the Gymi's
and I'm like no, I stay in bed, and then
he's like do you want me to?
Speaker 4 (18:21):
And there's like that thing of being like I will
if you really and.
Speaker 5 (18:23):
I'm like no, no, no, go like yeah, just having
your own things that you do and not losing that
because it is really easy to Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
I agree, And I think that the mistake I've made
in past relationships is when you spend every waking minute
together every night, especially in those early, that early period
like where you that's like where all the bonding happens.
When you when you conflate all that oxytocin and that
(18:52):
dopamine with the other person's presence, you become codependent. But additionally,
all of that time and all of that codependency, I
honestly think just speeds up the timeline of the relationship
if it's not the right one. It puts it under
so much pressure because you need time to breathe, You
need time to receive stimulation from your friends, from your family,
(19:16):
from your hobbies. And when you don't allow the relationship
to breathe, when you put it in a pressure cooker
and you like almost join your hands together and won't
let them go, all that's going to do is just
completely just burn the string out and you'll be done
by the end.
Speaker 5 (19:33):
Of you and you start irritating each other, yeah, like
you will get to like the point that you're just
like the sound of their voice makes me you want
to cry and it's yeah. And then as well, you
start sitting there and thinking how do we get here?
Like I was so in love with you, how are
we here? It's because like you do need to give
(19:54):
that breathe.
Speaker 4 (19:55):
You need to have that time that you're investing.
Speaker 5 (19:57):
In other things because as well, you're the only constant
in your own life.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
I still agree with that.
Speaker 5 (20:01):
You can't rely on anyone else to be your social life,
to be like the one solo person to be your
social life, your happiness, your entertainment, Like you need to
be that for yourself, and then you need to pull
on multiple resources for that. You need to have your friends,
You need to have your like I say work, but
(20:24):
when I say work, I mean.
Speaker 4 (20:25):
That thing that fuels you and makes you feel successful.
Speaker 5 (20:28):
Yeah, and then your partner can also feed into that.
But it's so important to have those multiple energy sources
that isn't just one person, because that energy source, if
it is just that one person will run out.
Speaker 3 (20:41):
Yeah, that's like draining on both of you.
Speaker 6 (20:43):
And also when you're in a relationship, you're supposed to
be growing together but also individually, and if you don't
each have your own individual things going on, there's nothing
new to bring to the relationship, Like there's no points
of conversation, there's no like, oh I learned this or
so I had this experience and sharing that because it's like, oh, wait,
(21:03):
you were there.
Speaker 3 (21:04):
So then you just become stagnant.
Speaker 6 (21:06):
And I think that's bad for both you as an
individual but also the relationship.
Speaker 3 (21:10):
There's just nowhere to go from there.
Speaker 2 (21:12):
And I wanted to ask, as you live with your
partner Chris now, Yeah, did you have any of those
fears of spending so much time together when you first
moved in?
Speaker 3 (21:21):
Yeah, a little bit.
Speaker 6 (21:22):
So we've lived together for I think like six years now,
but for the first seven or eight years and Bado
mats of our relationship, I think that we were almost
in a long distance relationship because he lived about an
hour and a half away from me when we first
started dating. Then I moved up to Sydney and we
lived three hours away, so we would only get to
(21:43):
spend weekends together. Pretty much, so to go from that
to then living together, I was a little bit concerned.
And I also know that like I love socializing, I
love going to gigs. I love to go out and
have like an out with the girls. Chris doesn't drink,
so there's differences in our lifestyles that I was like, Okay,
(22:07):
this will be interesting, but I really had faith that
it was going to be great. And I was like,
this is actually going to be so fun. It's really
going to bring us together. But a lot of other
people were saying this is going to be real test
fear relationships, and again, like I feel like my guy
instinct was like, no, this is going to be a
(22:27):
good thing.
Speaker 3 (22:28):
Like we've been dating for many years.
Speaker 6 (22:30):
By this point, Like I would hope that I know
him well enough that I think this is going to work.
And it did, like I think, and I think it's
because we have maintained those step like separations in our lives.
So you know, he has his own group of friends
that he'll hang out with, We have our own hobbies.
We have both very different careers but are both very
(22:53):
supportive of each other's work lives and are still like
best friends at the end of the day also, and
we have a lot of fun together. And I think
that's the thing is we have like joy and laughter
every single day that we will go one day without
each other and I like am genuinely so excited to
go home and see hyeah, so amazing.
Speaker 5 (23:14):
I think one thing as well that like we both
do in our relationships is we are not constantly talking
throughout the day. Like we'll have like a few texts
maybe of communication with our partners through the day, or
sometimes we don't talk to them at all, but it's
like there is no constant threat of communication throughout the
whole day. Especially if you live together. That's so much
(23:36):
because then you do see each other and you're like, oh,
so what is what are we talking about? Because I've
already told you everything the second is happening That like
constant texting, constant needs like call every hour and check
in and talk about what's happening in your day, Like isn't.
Speaker 4 (23:51):
Healthy because again, what is there? What more do you have?
Speaker 5 (23:55):
Or if you're watching every single TV show together or
doing every single hobby together, you've got nothing to Like
You're like, oh, I watched this really cool movie. Oh
you watched it too, yeah, like, yes, you've gotten there's
no spice.
Speaker 6 (24:11):
Yeah, and just no time to enjoy things on your
own and what you like, you'll just end up watching
Wall Street Americans.
Speaker 3 (24:20):
I go, yeah, And.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
It's like those points of difference right, Like, And I
loved what you said before about almost diversifying your portfolio,
your life portfolio, because I do think that there's a
tendency that I've seen in myself and amongst friends where
a new love interest enters suddenly sixty percent carved off
to them. And it's natural to be obsessed. It's natural
(24:42):
to have all of that, all of those things like
rushing in your brain and rushing through your body and
like pulling you towards that person. But the big thing
that I think often loses out is our friendships. I
think that is the first thing to go because you
need work for money. I think hobbies are another one
that sometimes we let go of pretty quickly. But I
(25:04):
do think that we have a dedicated like social time,
and sometimes we see social time as like romantic time,
and they take from each other. So how did you
either of you can answer this question, like, would you
have any advice for how to maintain healthy, good friendships
whilst in a relationship, especially in those early days, because
(25:28):
I think it's the worst thing to spend the first
six months obsessed with someone. Wake Up, things aren't going
great and you don't have any friends.
Speaker 4 (25:34):
Yep, yeah, I think.
Speaker 5 (25:39):
At the start, and by at the start, i'm talking
like the first month, I think it's okay to be like.
Speaker 4 (25:44):
Completely infatuated with the person.
Speaker 5 (25:47):
I think your friends, especially good ones, will sit there
and watch and be like love this for you, because
they've also probably been there while you're dating absolute trash
and they're like.
Speaker 3 (25:58):
Please, don't get back with your ex.
Speaker 5 (26:00):
So when you actually meet someone good, they're like stick
stick stacks.
Speaker 4 (26:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (26:08):
So I think it's actually okay to be guiltless about
falling in love. I think you shouldn't have to stress
yourself out about being like, I've met this person, I
really want to spend time with them this weekend, but
I don't know, do I have to see like the girls.
Speaker 4 (26:24):
Like blah blah blah.
Speaker 5 (26:25):
That's okay, you can do that, but once you know
after a month, you definitely need to make sure that
you're investing in your friendships in that month. Also, don't
fall off the face of the earth, like keep up
communications and don't just speak about yourself. Don't just speak
about how happy you are and how amazing things are.
Definitely speak to it, but not only about that, and
make sure that you're asking and investing in your friends'
(26:47):
lives as well. I think what I've like, I've actually
kind it kind of found it a lot simpler in
this relationship than others, because I like missing my partner,
having time away and building that. And it is hard
because when you are completely infatuated them, you're like, I.
Speaker 4 (27:06):
Just want to spend every second with you.
Speaker 5 (27:08):
But I burned that bridge before, like I've done that,
and I'm like, I know I don't want that. Plus
I'm also infatuated with my friends, So I think having
that those really good quality of friends that you do
genuinely feed off and want to see and booking in
those times like have the girls' night that you're like,
oh my god, I saw this really cool bar. Let's
(27:29):
all go on Friday and go You're going on Friday
and it's not a chore.
Speaker 4 (27:33):
You're not like, oh, I've got to go see my friends.
Speaker 5 (27:36):
If you feel like that, maybe that's something to investigate
further too.
Speaker 2 (27:40):
Yeah, it's not the relationships fault.
Speaker 5 (27:42):
Yeah, it's not the relationship's fault if you're like dreading
seeing your friends and so I think making sure that
you invest time into doing things that you really want
to do and booking it.
Speaker 4 (27:51):
In if you are kind of struggling, if you do
have a.
Speaker 5 (27:53):
Partner that wants to spend that Friday night with you
as well, making sure that you let them know in advance,
being like, by the way, Friday, like I'm going to
this bar with the girls.
Speaker 4 (28:03):
You're not asking for permission, by the way. We don't
do that. We don't be like is that okay. You
just be like I'm not available, I'm doing this, and
they'll be like stunning, amazing, brave.
Speaker 6 (28:11):
That's literally what Chris and I do at the beginning
of every week, on like a Sunday night, We're like.
Speaker 3 (28:16):
All right, so what's the schedule for this week?
Speaker 6 (28:18):
And I'm like, okay, so I'll be home this night
this night, and he's like, okay, cool, Like I'm meeting
up with friends on this night. I'm going to do
this on this night. We're like okay, great, So Friday
will go on a date then and do it like that.
But I think, yeah, like booking in regular catch ups
with your girlfriends and don't invite your fucking boyfriend.
Speaker 3 (28:39):
Yeah, sorry, I don'tenough.
Speaker 4 (28:39):
I can.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
I can totally swear yes, don't.
Speaker 3 (28:42):
Like that does not count.
Speaker 6 (28:44):
I think a lot of people think that counts. Like no,
but we caught up last week and Jason was there,
so doesn't count.
Speaker 4 (28:51):
And people are different when their partners are there. You
can't talk about the gross little.
Speaker 5 (28:55):
Things that you do with the girls when you're like,
oh my god, guys, I ate this few the other
day and what came out of me was not much
huven impossible, Like you can't talk about that when like
it's just different, and like because maybe you're comfortable to
say in front of your boyfriend, but your friend probably
doesn't want to talk about the giant pooh they did, boyfriend,
So like, don't bring there, And.
Speaker 6 (29:14):
That's an important part of friends, like you pee, like
we were on a cruise, And I think one thing
that is kind of easy for me in mind is
that a lot of my friends, like my friends and
my boyfriend's friends had mutual friends.
Speaker 5 (29:33):
So like when we're kind of spending time in a
group atmosphere, it is very easy. But what happens is
like He'll go off with like a group of people
and then I'll chill with like another group that we
don't need to be attached to the hip in those
like social settings, Like we can go to a party
and be like, Okay, Dilce's see you in two hours,
and that's fine, And I love that. I've had partners
(29:54):
that like glued to my hip at an event and
I was like, good of me.
Speaker 4 (29:58):
And it's a lot, but I.
Speaker 5 (30:00):
Was going somewhere with this room going oh yeah, like
we recently went on a cruise with our group of
friends and some of them are in relationships, and then
some of them are single, and so it can be
like a cruise, there's not a lot of pickings for
the singles, and so then anyway one of them, I
was like, let's just do a girl's die, Like let's
(30:22):
like ditch the boys for one night and just hang
out with the girls.
Speaker 4 (30:24):
Like making sure that you're kind of showing up for.
Speaker 5 (30:27):
Your friendships, not just booking it in when it's convenient
for you, like not being like, oh I'm.
Speaker 4 (30:34):
Free on Friday night, why don't we get a drink?
Speaker 5 (30:36):
Then definitely that's amazing, but making sure that if they're
being like, oh, I don't have anything on this weekend,
do you want to hang out like you're going like
even if maybe you were planning on just having a
movie night with your partner, if you don't have like
the most concrete of plants, making sure that you're still
showing up for your friends, especially friends that you were
like you're single girly with, because for them, you don't
(30:58):
want them to feel abandoned that it's like they're like, well,
we used to spend all this time together. We used
to go out and you know, pick up and flirt
and just or just hang out together. And then you
don't want them to feel like you've just run off
found a boyfriend and their job's done, like they serve
their purpose. You don't want them to feel that way.
(31:19):
So making sure that you still show up for them
whenever they do want to go out and have that
fun time that you're there.
Speaker 2 (31:26):
I really agree with this as someone who is single
right now. That's something that I have found. It's almost
something that you dread, like your friends get into a
new relationship and you're like, alrighty, so am I about
to be like the third fourth option now or is
this going to stay the same. And you have to
think appreciate from the other perspective that, like you said,
(31:51):
when your friend, someone you love is going through this
incredible experience, you do really want to be there, you
do want to be happy for them. But additionally, I
do think that sometimes I've had experiences where friends have
gotten into relationships and it's been impossible to get a
hold of them, and you just feel a little bit
like it was an authentic that what you had.
Speaker 4 (32:14):
You feel like you've been dumped. Yeah, you do, and
it's like you've been replaced and you're like, hey, what
about me?
Speaker 2 (32:20):
Yeah, And it's the interesting thing, Like, I love your
point about I think if you are from the perspective
of someone who has like a lot of my friends
are in long term relationships. Now, please don't invite your
partner unless they are explicitly invited. I have one of
my best friends, I her and like her partner and
I are actually friends, so but we met through her.
But and I don't mind if he's around, like because
(32:41):
I actually if she goes away, like she will go
out and go shopping and he'll like stay at my
place and like we'll just like have tea in chat
or like that's not a problem. But the thing is
that she does a good job at being like, all right,
buger off. Her and I are going to hang out
for a little bit. And there is an understanding there
that your friendships play an equally important part in your
(33:03):
well being as your.
Speaker 5 (33:04):
Relationships one and I kind of also hate that notion
that life there's something bad about being single. Like I
don't know about you if you've ever experienced this, but
when I was like, people in relationship'll be like, oh, like,
don't worry, you'll find someone, and you're like, I'm not looking.
Speaker 2 (33:19):
Oh my gosh, you know what I hate. Sorry, guys,
I'm gonna still I want to ask this question of
you two, both of you being in relationships. The thing
I get all the time and I'm not looking for love,
already found it already here, No I'm not. I'm so
busy that it's not possible. But the thing that people
(33:42):
always say to me is it will happen when you
least expect it. And I find that so frustrating because
it will happen when you're not looking for it. If
you are an anxious person, like we all are at
some stages. You are never not looking for the next
thing around the corner. That's the whole point about like
anticipatory anxiety. So was that true for you both? Did
(34:05):
it happen when you were least expecting it or when
you when you stopped looking?
Speaker 3 (34:10):
No, No, not at all.
Speaker 6 (34:12):
Like I feel like I'd gone from like dating like
little like high school fuck boys and basically learning exactly
what I didn't want, and then was talking to one
guy who I really thought that I really liked, and
then met Chris and then was just like, well that's
over now. Like so it wasn't even like, oh, like
(34:35):
I'm not going to date, I'm just gonna it's like no,
I was looking.
Speaker 4 (34:38):
Yeah, Like I think mine's like a bit of both.
Speaker 5 (34:41):
I think I was like doing in my sexy single
girl era and had taken the time to work on
myself that like, there were definitely times that I was like.
Speaker 4 (34:52):
I'm not looking for a relationship.
Speaker 5 (34:54):
I was like, absolutely not, I'm so good doing me
because I was working on myself. I was having that
time and was very problematically still engaging with an ex.
Speaker 4 (35:05):
So you weren't, I was so born.
Speaker 5 (35:09):
Yeah, there's a lot of sabotaging part that she's talking about.
Speaker 7 (35:12):
Whilst you're no no, no, no no, I was like wait, no, no, no, no,
Like months before I met my part like nearly a
year before I met my partner, and like we still
had contact, and then it got to a point that
I was.
Speaker 8 (35:28):
Like like I can't move on, Like I can't move
on properly, Like I definitely was not emotionally still there,
like I was not in love with this person anymore, but.
Speaker 4 (35:39):
It was a crutch and I was like, oh no,
this is not feeding me anymore.
Speaker 5 (35:44):
And I was like, this is done, and if I
want to actually find someone that I want to be with,
then I'm cutting this person off.
Speaker 4 (35:53):
And that's exactly what I did.
Speaker 5 (35:54):
And then a year later, I actually met my partner,
and it wasn't like planned. I met them through mutual friends,
so like that is kind of the way that I
wasn't expecting it. But once I met them, I was
like yeah, I was like this is good, but it's
only because I kind of shut off the things that
was holding me back from being in a relationship. Like
(36:16):
I was like, okay, I'm not gonna engage with things
that kind of stunt me emotionally, and I felt like
I had that time to myself that I was like, cool,
I feel like I know who I am, that I'm
actually confident to get into a relationship if I feel
like it's going to be the right one. And then
(36:38):
like he came out of the blue, like I had
no idea who he was.
Speaker 4 (36:41):
I'd never met him before.
Speaker 5 (36:43):
And he was amazing, and I was like, well shit,
But I was also very scared of commitment because I'd
been burned, so I had to navigate that that when
we first met, like I would take like a week
to reply, Like the first date I bailed on?
Speaker 4 (36:57):
No way you bailed on it first?
Speaker 2 (37:01):
Did you reschedule?
Speaker 4 (37:02):
I ended up.
Speaker 5 (37:04):
Messaging him because I was like because he the night
we met, he ended up like booking date. He was like,
We're going on a date, and.
Speaker 4 (37:11):
I was like ay.
Speaker 5 (37:12):
And then I got like that first date anxiety. And
then I was also sick. He doesn't believe me, but
I genuinely was.
Speaker 3 (37:19):
I was, but I was also like anxiety definitely still
played a part, but she was genuinely sick.
Speaker 4 (37:27):
I was genuinely sick. I have the antibiotics prescription to
prove it.
Speaker 5 (37:32):
I need a favor, so I didn't go, and then like,
I just we were talking for a bit and then
I kind of just like didn't reply to the last.
Speaker 4 (37:43):
Message, and then I took about a week and I was.
Speaker 5 (37:44):
Like, and then I just sent a message. I was like,
I'm going to be in the city. Let me know
if you want to join me for a drink and
he was like.
Speaker 4 (37:52):
Absolutely, I would, and I was like and then from
that point it was just the rest we were dating. Yeah.
Speaker 6 (37:58):
But I think that's the thing that is that it
that whole cliche of oh, when you stop looking, someone
will not looking for love.
Speaker 3 (38:06):
I just think that's bullshit.
Speaker 6 (38:07):
I think the thing is, though, is that you can't
be looking for a relationship for the sake to tick
a box, because you're setting yourself up for failure and
you're literally going to settle for the first dud that
like sniffs in your direction, which isn't good. So you
need to be at that point where you're happy with yourself.
And I think that's where al finally was like she'd
(38:28):
done all that work, cut off that dead weight, and
was exactly and then that opportunity presented itself because she
was ready, and I feel like my little teenage was
also the same. But even though I was like, no,
I'm ready for a boyfriend now, like I'm where is he?
Speaker 1 (38:51):
Like?
Speaker 3 (38:52):
But it's by that point I.
Speaker 6 (38:54):
Knew what I did and didn't want out of a boyfriend,
even just by like the shitty people that I interacted.
Speaker 3 (39:00):
With as a young woman.
Speaker 5 (39:01):
Yeah, but that's the thing, Like, you can't be looking
for a relationship to be to make up for something
that's missing in your life, Like you should have everything.
Your cup should be literally overflowing, and then that overflow
you can give to a relationship.
Speaker 2 (39:15):
That is such a beautiful metaphor.
Speaker 5 (39:18):
I didn't make it up. I heard it somewhere. I
didn't want to coin it and someone be like, God,
be right, but it is an analogy that I heard
I can't remember where, but that you or you can
give to other people. Your cup should remain full and
you give others the overflow because they should be filling
up your cup too. So that way, that's yeah, it's
(39:41):
a give and give.
Speaker 4 (39:42):
I don't like the give and take. Everything's a given give.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
And you know the whole point of this episode is
like how do you maintain your identity in a relationship.
You've kind of talked about what you both do in
that sense, What would you do if you realized that
you were losing yourself? What would be like the antidote?
What would be your solution if you woke up and
you were like, oh, right, actually, there's some stuff that
(40:06):
I've that's flown under the radar a little bit here
that's actually become a bigger issue. Not suggesting that you
break up with your partners, but like in terms of
like what would be some of the things you would
immediately put in place or get back to.
Speaker 4 (40:19):
I think the first thing is don't panic.
Speaker 5 (40:22):
I think, don't have a knee jerk reaction and panic
and think, oh my god, I'm a completely different human being?
Speaker 4 (40:30):
Who am I?
Speaker 5 (40:31):
Because it is a scary thought to feel like maybe
you've lost that power over yourself, and it is a
bit intimidating. But I think it's good to simplify where
that's coming from within yourself and really take kind of
everything away and think, what do I want? What is
my identity? What are the things that I like doing
(40:52):
that make me feel genuine joy? Is that going for
a walk and listening to your favorite podcast the psychology
of your twenties and two boat chicks.
Speaker 2 (41:01):
Is that I was hoping you would say yours as well?
Speaker 4 (41:07):
Is that you know, calling your friend?
Speaker 5 (41:09):
Is that reading your smarty little fairy book, finding out
what those things are and doing it and committing to
that plan of putting that time in for yourself or
whatever that is that your identity is.
Speaker 4 (41:21):
Because there's this book.
Speaker 5 (41:25):
What's the book that I'm obsessed with that I always
quote ow the one about habits, atomic habits, tomic habits.
Speaker 2 (41:30):
That's it.
Speaker 5 (41:32):
And so his whole theory that he writes in this
book about identity and individuality is that it is made
up of your habits.
Speaker 4 (41:39):
Your habits create who you are.
Speaker 5 (41:41):
So if you are doing habits that constantly involve someone else,
whether that is hanging out with your friends all the time,
or it's hanging out with your partner all the time,
or it's being at work all the time, there's nothing
within those habits that is making you individual because it's
coming from other other habits that involve other people.
Speaker 4 (42:00):
To identify the habits that make you who you are
and invest.
Speaker 5 (42:04):
Time into those again, because when you were single, you
had all the time in the world to do that,
Whereas when you're in a relationship, your time shifts and
it's so easy, it's so easy to happen, and you're
not lesser than for that happening happens to everyone.
Speaker 6 (42:19):
I feel like that's such a normal experience, and I
think as well as rebuilding those habits, perhaps exploring new ones, yeah,
also have the conversation with your partner and be like, hey,
like I'm feeling this way, I feel like I need
to invest a little bit more time in myself. Maybe
you can do the same and like communicate that so
(42:41):
they're not like, wait, why are they pulling back?
Speaker 3 (42:43):
What's going on?
Speaker 4 (42:44):
And don't ever dramatize it though. I feel like as well,
that could like if your partner comes to.
Speaker 5 (42:48):
You randomly, or you go to your partner randomly, it's like, yeah,
I feel like I don't know who I am.
Speaker 4 (42:53):
I'm gonna spend some time alone.
Speaker 5 (42:54):
I would be like, oh everything okay, yeah, yeah, you'd
be like, you know what I really miss goin p artist.
Speaker 6 (43:00):
I'm going to start doing that every Sunday morning and
like do that. And then I think, as well, with
your friends, if you've you know, let that part of
your life's slide. The most annoying thing is when a
friend either breaks up with their partner or they realize
that they've lost themselves and then they're like, hey, I'm back,
(43:23):
and they sort of just like expect everything to go
back to normal if they've completely ditched you. That can
be like a really frustrating feeling. But what I've had
in the past is people say, hey, like, I've realized
that I've been spending a lot of time with my
partner and no one else. I'm so sorry, I just
completely lost sight of everything else. But I really want
(43:44):
to put effort into this Friendship's such a beautify can
we catch up it? And I was like, I so
respect that honesty and that introspection.
Speaker 3 (43:53):
And then it didn't even.
Speaker 6 (43:54):
Give me the chance to be like, well, look googling
back because I'm like she knows and not like rushing
it under the rush and.
Speaker 3 (44:03):
Yes, let's go get coffee. Yeah, I love you, that's
you're my best friend.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
I had that happen and it was I think it's
also one of those things where you can't expect that,
like you said, everything to be the same. I've had
that in the past where a friend has moved in
with someone. She moved in really quickly, within like seven months,
they were super in love. Two years later on we
hadn't heard from her for like a year, and suddenly
she was a wreck because this was her entire identity.
(44:31):
It had fallen apart. And she came back and was like, Okay,
so why aren't we doing the same things anymore? They
broke up. She was like, why aren't we going out
drinking all the time. Why aren't we hanging out in
each other's houses? And I was like, because we all
have jobs now, and because we all have partners now,
and because we're all doing different things. But I think
she was really She eventually came around to that realization
(44:54):
and was like, actually, just really need some help. And
we were like, yeah, of course, Like we'll do what
we can. So guys, I think this is all we
have time for. But this has been an amazing episode.
I really want to ask both of you. This is
something that the girls do on their show, Too Broke
Ticks life lesson, But what would be your life lesson
from this conversation that you would like to instill to
(45:17):
someone who may be questioning whether their relationship is getting
in the way of their own identity.
Speaker 5 (45:25):
I think the biggest life lesson is for this for me,
would be a reminder that, like you were so fun
to hang out with, hanging out with yourself is the
best time that you can ever invest in. An investment
in yourself is always a good investment. So don't ever
(45:46):
feel like you've lost yourself because you're still in there.
Speaker 4 (45:49):
You're still in there.
Speaker 3 (45:50):
You might be a.
Speaker 5 (45:51):
Little bit different, and that's okay, but it's like with
any muscle, you just keep doing it and it gets stronger.
So if you are feeling like you have lost your identity,
don't worry.
Speaker 4 (46:02):
It's not gone. It's still in there.
Speaker 6 (46:06):
Yeah, And there are so many ways to have a relationship,
a romantic relationship and for it to be fulfilling and
fun and beautiful. But it doesn't have to take up
your entire life. And I think that's a really important
reminder to fill up the other cups in your life
as well.
Speaker 2 (46:24):
Yeah, thank you so much for your brilliant wisdom. Of course,
if you're not listening to two Broke Chicks, you've just
got to do it. They're a lot funnier than me,
so it's true. And go and listen to them if
you're loving Australian accents and and amazing banter and very
(46:48):
incredible wisdom. So thank you both for coming on the show,
thank you for having us, and where can they find
your you personally.
Speaker 3 (46:55):
So you can listen to Two Broke Chicks.
Speaker 6 (46:57):
We have a good podcast, Assaults, but if I podcast
where everywhere, you can't get away from us. Also on
Instagram at two Broake Chicks and on TikTok at two
Broake Chicks Underscore.
Speaker 5 (47:08):
That underscore will count to us for the rest of
someone else got there first and it's fair enough.
Speaker 4 (47:13):
Early bird gets the wind, that's true.
Speaker 3 (47:15):
And if not, you can catch us at Vasco in Surry.
Speaker 5 (47:18):
Hills every Friday night outside and vod Calm Sada waiting
for you.
Speaker 2 (47:22):
Yep, very lovely. Well, thank you all for listening. As always,
if you enjoyed this episode, please feel free to leave
a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify wherever you
are listening right now. If you have a friend who
needs to hear this episode, send it to them.
Speaker 4 (47:38):
What a read though, imagine if you send it to
your friend a relationship
Speaker 2 (47:44):
And no comment, just yeah, nothing else, and you know what,
maybe they'll thank you later, probably not at that point
in time, but and as always, we will be back
next week with another episode.
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in
the world. Today we have an incredibly special episode. I've
invited on two of my friends who run their own podcast,
Two Broke Chicks, to discuss relationships. I think on this
(00:43):
show as someone who is single, we only really talk
about the beginnings and the ends, the dating or the breakup.
But today we're going to talk about something a little
bit more nuanced, which is how our relationships, particularly our
romantic relationships in our twenties, interact with our identity and
how to maintain our identities in a relationship. So welcome
(01:06):
salan Al. How are you both going?
Speaker 3 (01:08):
I'm excited.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
I'm so excited.
Speaker 4 (01:11):
Hello.
Speaker 5 (01:12):
We are so happy to be here, and we're big
fans of Jem and this show, so it's just match
made in heaven.
Speaker 6 (01:19):
Also, Jem, you have such a beautiful voice. I was
getting like hypnotized almost in the intro.
Speaker 3 (01:25):
Thank you now I'm feeling someone.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Else episode for everyone.
Speaker 6 (01:32):
Seriously, we're probably like a really harsh difference everyone.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Well, I think they need that. Also, I love when
people from Australia come on the show because a lot
of the time I have people from the US or
the UK, So now they can hear three Australian.
Speaker 5 (01:48):
Yeah you're blood again, yea hey yahout laugh.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
Took my shield to the pub the other day. I've
got a beer and now.
Speaker 4 (01:57):
We're day Sedy and I said, do you want to
baby Gil.
Speaker 5 (02:06):
We have a trademark term on our show called the
horny Sheila.
Speaker 4 (02:11):
Oh yeah, it's us.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
That's the energy that Yeah, well I love that and
thank you for bringing that energy to the show today.
So the thing that was really interesting to me when
I was thinking about this topic is that we are
all in very different stages of the relationship spectrum. So
I am single as a pringle except for just get
a dam from certain someone.
Speaker 4 (02:35):
So of a sit kitten, I am.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
A bit of a smitten kitten.
Speaker 4 (02:39):
Thanks guys.
Speaker 5 (02:43):
It was like when you have like that crush or
you like someone and then they send you a message
and you're like you.
Speaker 3 (02:49):
Literally just float for the rest of the day, it
really is.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
I've been floating for the last like ten minutes. So basically,
I'm almost in a new relationship.
Speaker 4 (03:00):
You thinking is spring wedding not native floral arrangements?
Speaker 2 (03:04):
Yes, of course. So anyhow, No, I'm very single, have
been for over a year. But I did start this
podcast after a pretty serious breakup, so that's where this
whole concept came from. I have just you've recently entered
into a new relationship.
Speaker 5 (03:22):
So I was single for about three years before that,
I was in relationships for about five.
Speaker 4 (03:28):
Years, and then.
Speaker 5 (03:31):
Yeah, I had I think what I felt was that
I was very attached to the identity that I got
back in that three years of being single and the
effort that I had to put into rebuilding that identity.
And we can get into a bit later, but how
I felt like I lost my identity in those earlier relationships,
and then the effort that it took to.
Speaker 4 (03:51):
Feel like me again really kind of deterred me.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
From getting into a relationship.
Speaker 5 (03:56):
That I was like, I don't I don't need anyone,
Like I got in that headspace of I don't need anyone.
I'm so happy being single, So like good doing me,
and like I would date and you know, and then
I would have moments of being like, oh.
Speaker 4 (04:08):
Do I want a relationship?
Speaker 5 (04:10):
And then I met my now partner and I was like, ah, shit,
he was a really good one and I was like, yeah,
I like you. And so then now I'm kind of
like in that phase that We've been dating for about
nine months now, so it's still quite early, but I
think we've gone through that like honeymoon period and it's
just really nice. But also, how do I navigate from
(04:34):
being so independent and single to being in like the
most perfect relationship ever.
Speaker 6 (04:40):
It's like a very steady relationship even though it is
so new, relatively new.
Speaker 5 (04:46):
I'm like and also I'm the queen of self sabotage sometimes,
so like there'd been moments and I can't.
Speaker 4 (04:53):
Be talking and sound.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
She'd be like shut up.
Speaker 4 (04:55):
She'd be like, you don't need to do this.
Speaker 6 (04:57):
I literally would say, you were trying to ruin this,
like you were self sabotaging right now in this moment.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
Stop it.
Speaker 5 (05:04):
You need a friend like that sometimes, And that's because
sal Isu.
Speaker 6 (05:09):
Yeah, I've been in a relationship with my partner Chris
for almost fifteen years, so it'll be fifteen years in August.
Speaker 4 (05:18):
She's a veteran.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
And how did you meet him?
Speaker 6 (05:21):
We met on MySpace on my Space literally, Wow. So
we were both like two little emos when we were
teenagers slash.
Speaker 3 (05:30):
I never grew out of it. It was never a phase, mum.
Speaker 6 (05:34):
But we met through mutual friends from going to gigs
and whatnot. But he added me on MySpace and that's
how we actually met. Wow, and then we just like
hung out from there.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
Wow. That's a beautiful story kids meet on MySpace. That's
a good one to tell. And I think that it's
very interesting that we're all sitting here with different perspectives
to discuss what we really want to discuss today, which
is how do you maintain your identity in a relationship,
Because our romantic relationships are a massive facet of our lives,
(06:07):
particularly in our twenties, but within every period, I think
that this is the time when a lot of us
start to contemplate the idea of a life partner, We
start to date a round, we start to have standards,
and most of us are in.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
Operative.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Word yeah right, yeah, Well that's my honestly, I feel
like that's my experience where I've hit my mid twenties,
and I'm like, alrighty, so like early mid twenties and
been like okay, now, like dating is, it's still fun,
but it's not something that I'm doing impulsively because I
(06:48):
now understand that the person I'm with is going to
create a large part of how I see myself and
how I see my life and my future plans. So
how do you think that transition for you was out
because you came from where I am now, you know,
in a very from a place of almost hyperindependence, it
(07:09):
sounds like, and then suddenly had to adapt to having
this other person in your life. And you said there
was a bit of self sabotage going on.
Speaker 4 (07:19):
I think so, yeah, I think.
Speaker 5 (07:20):
I So when I entered my single girl era, I
was definitely not independent. I definitely relied on my relationships
to kind of keep me entertained. Kind of I pulled
a lot of worse from them in terms of myself
because my first relationship, I was independent, but that person
(07:45):
relied on me a lot that like I was that
person's universe, and that was a lot of pressure. My
second relationship I went to like the other end of
the spectrum that I was like, I was someone who
doesn't even shit about me, that just like has their
own life. And then that was like and then it
was the end of the spectrum.
Speaker 4 (08:00):
I was like, wait, no, like love me. And so
then I kind of.
Speaker 5 (08:05):
Had this tugger or internally of you know, not really
knowing what I wanted or who I was because I
kind of molded myself to these people and what they
needed or what.
Speaker 4 (08:16):
They didn't give me.
Speaker 5 (08:17):
And so then when I was single, I really had
to kind of go back and figure out who I was,
what I wanted, and what I enjoyed just by myself.
Like first that first things first. I don't think you
can know who your identity is in a relationship until
you understand who that identity is as our Lord and savior.
Rue Paul says, if you don't love yourself, how the
(08:39):
hell are you going to love somebody else?
Speaker 4 (08:41):
And I didn't love myself.
Speaker 5 (08:43):
I didn't have that, and it took a really long
time to build that up.
Speaker 4 (08:48):
And you know, your friends is a really big part
of that.
Speaker 5 (08:52):
Being able to be comfortable on your own is a
really big part of that. And in those three years
I had so much fun, the best time, and kind
of what you were saying before that. For a good
chunk of that time, it was dating for the story.
It was dating for fun and just living life and
realizing things. As Kylie Jenner said in twenty sixteen.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
Wow Flush Back, she has her she has her sources,
she has a references twenty sixteen at all you.
Speaker 4 (09:24):
Actually, I saw the video the other day and that.
Speaker 3 (09:26):
Is the year and.
Speaker 5 (09:30):
In that time I experienced so many new things. I
like literally changed my sexuality in that time, Like I
experimented with girls and realized that, hey, oh, do you
know what, it's probably a bit weird to continue scissoring
your barbies at sixteen years old.
Speaker 4 (09:46):
But I'm just kidding.
Speaker 5 (09:47):
I wasn't doing that, but I would always kind of
feel like That'd be like, oh, like do I like girls?
Speaker 4 (09:53):
I was like, I don't know, like I could kiss them, And.
Speaker 6 (09:55):
I'm like, oh, you're gay, Like you're trying to convince yourself.
And then you finally gave yourself the freedom to be like,
let me embrace this with no label.
Speaker 5 (10:06):
Yeah, And so then I think when I got to
the point that I was like, Okay, this is me,
Like I know what my identity is because it's so
hard if you don't know what that is to not
mold yourself to the person that you start dating, and
you start molding yourself to their likes and their dislikes,
and it's so important to keep your likes and dislikes
(10:27):
even if that's not compatible to the other person. So
I think what was different about, you know, this relationship
that I'm in now, was that I had the confidence
to just be myself. I had the confidence to be like,
if you don't like it, that's fine, because I like me, and.
Speaker 4 (10:46):
You don't want to date someone that doesn't like you.
Speaker 5 (10:50):
Like there's so often I always had a boyfriend turn
around to me and say, yeah, I love you, just
sometimes I don't like you, I know, and I laughed like.
Speaker 3 (10:59):
I thought it was funny.
Speaker 4 (11:01):
And now I look back and I'm like, that was
really mean.
Speaker 6 (11:05):
Ru.
Speaker 4 (11:06):
Well, I don't know.
Speaker 6 (11:06):
We're having this conversation yesterday about how that is a
real trope in relationships, like guys being like, oh, like
we've got the you know, I'm out with the boys,
like free of the ball on chain or you know,
like people speak about their partners like that, and it's like, no,
you should actually like each other and there should be
joy there and.
Speaker 3 (11:25):
You should want to spend time with them. It's weird.
Speaker 2 (11:27):
That is so weird to me, and I think that
it's honestly a hard thing to learn your own worth,
especially having been through experiences like that. Like I know
that I have as well, this person that I dated,
like probably two years ago, I became a completely different
person for them. I sacrificed friendships for that person, and
(11:50):
I regret it all the time, like I still to
this day. I don't think about him much except for
the choices that I would definitely not make again. And
it's interesting because then recently I had a very similar incident,
like a very similar experience with someone where they the
exact same situation happened, and I remember sitting there and
(12:11):
being like, I have two choices here. Do I do
the thing that I've done before, do I make that
mistake again, or I've learnt this lesson, Let's go the
other way. And I went the other way. And I
think that that's a big part of how relationships can
also form you as they teach you these important lessons
that then you can take to not just your next relationship,
(12:32):
but your friendships and your morals and your values. I
do want to quickly ask you a question because I'm
fascinated by this. I don't like, I genuinely am because
I imagined the person I was dating when I was
like in my teen years, and I saw this TikTok
the other day and it was like, would you rather
still be working your first job or would you rather
still be with the person you were dating when you
(12:54):
were seventeen?
Speaker 4 (12:54):
Oh my god, I said.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
I totally was like, boostjuice, I'm coming back. Yeah, making
those mango magics for the rest of my life.
Speaker 4 (13:04):
Give me those cinnamon donuts again. I'm down.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
Yeah, those both sound like great choices.
Speaker 4 (13:09):
Amazing. Can I get a tropical crush?
Speaker 2 (13:12):
My goodness, No, no, I'm out of office. But I
guess the question is what has that been like for you?
And I know that you've gotten a lot of Sometimes
people have said to you like, don't you wish you
had tried a few more tried before you buy or
tried a few more people are like gone out there
and had that single girl era that you were just
(13:35):
talking about out and what would be your response to that?
Speaker 6 (13:38):
So I think at first I really did question if
that was something that I should be doing. And was like, oh,
like am I I've always been happy in my relationship,
but questions like that made me wonder if is it
just because this is all I've known?
Speaker 3 (13:55):
Do I need to go out and explore something else?
Speaker 6 (13:57):
But I think the response that I give people now
is that over the last fifteen years, there's never been
one time where I've interacted with anyone that made me
even question my relationship or tempted me.
Speaker 5 (14:10):
Excuse me, I'm sitting right here, You're.
Speaker 6 (14:13):
The one thing, oully, But yeah, just like I just
try to listen to my gut and like what I
want to do.
Speaker 3 (14:23):
I'm the sort of person that if you tell me to.
Speaker 6 (14:25):
Do something, I'll probably just do the exact opposite out
of spite.
Speaker 3 (14:29):
So yeah, I don't know. I was like.
Speaker 6 (14:33):
What and be like, you guys, like, it doesn't really
seem like any of my friends were having heaps of
fun during that stage.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
We were not. We are not well, not you.
Speaker 3 (14:44):
Guys specifically, I mean the people that were asking.
Speaker 5 (14:46):
Question because a lot of the time, when that's getting
projected on you, I think it is maybe coming from
a place of insecurity in some instances.
Speaker 4 (14:55):
Yeah, but don't you want to be single?
Speaker 5 (14:57):
Because that might be a little bit of more of
them reaching for a bit of comfortability, being like, yeah,
but it's good to be single.
Speaker 4 (15:04):
It's good, like I'm enjoying this, So that reassurance that
is like, oh.
Speaker 5 (15:09):
But I'm good for being in this position that maybe
looking at someone it is when you are single, you
look at people in relationships and sometimes you are like, oh,
thank god, I'm not in a relationship, Like you can
do all this fun stuff.
Speaker 4 (15:20):
I can do whatever I want to do.
Speaker 5 (15:21):
And then sometimes you are like that would be nice,
and I think, what is so the way that you
increase and like, well, I feel like I've learned from
you guys as well now in a new relationship is
that you only have so much energy to give in life,
and that's got to be split across work, friends, your
(15:44):
own time, your hobbies, and then you add a partner
into that. And so you've only got like one hundred
percent of a tank. So if you're splitting that, you know,
twenty five percent against across like work, friends, your own time,
and then your whole you've then got to take that
time away from something. And because you need to obviously
(16:05):
invest time in a relationship, but what can often happen
is people pull all of that twenty five percent that
split across everything and they put one hundred percent into
that relationship. And that's a mistake that I'd made in
the past, and that's something that I've never seen you
do Sow and like the way that it's been so
(16:26):
important and it's an effort to do because when you
do meet someone that you really like and you do
enter that relationship, you are the most smitten kitten. You're like,
I'm obsessed with this person. I want to smell their
neck every day.
Speaker 4 (16:37):
Like literally, I'm like, oh that's good stuff. Oh my god.
Speaker 5 (16:41):
Yeah, and like you are obsessed with them and that's
so good, Like keep that, but be obsessed with them
in like moderation, have nights away from each other, have
those moments that like you allow yourselves to miss each
other a little bit, and it's so important that you
don't pull all the like reserve energy and other tanks
(17:01):
and put it into that one because what happens if
that doesn't work out?
Speaker 2 (17:05):
Yeah, And totally no, no no.
Speaker 5 (17:08):
But I was just and like I think as well,
communicating and holding down the fort on your once your
enjoyments on what you had when you were single is
really important.
Speaker 4 (17:20):
Like we talk about this all the time on Two
Broad Chicks, but.
Speaker 5 (17:23):
I love a smutty fairy book, Like it's just my
happy place in my little fantasy land with two enemies
to lovers, and it's just the best trope. And like
we went on holidays and maybe for like two or
three hours of the day, we'd just go and do
our own thing, like we weren't spending the whole day
(17:44):
together because I'd want to go read my book for
like an hour, or maybe go for a walk, or he'd.
Speaker 4 (17:49):
Want to go like do something. I don't know what
boys do in there.
Speaker 5 (17:55):
He's like a big YouTube watch us, so he would
like just want to go watch YouTube and just like
turn off for a bit like that, and we would
just go spend time on our own doing our own wants.
Speaker 4 (18:05):
Or whenever there's a.
Speaker 5 (18:06):
Thing like I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm going to go
stay at sales, He's just like okay. It's never like oh,
but I'm going to miss you so much, don't go.
Or if we do say that, we don't mean it.
Like if I'm like, oh, you're going to the Gymi's
and I'm like no, I stay in bed, and then
he's like do you want me to?
Speaker 4 (18:21):
And there's like that thing of being like I will
if you really and.
Speaker 5 (18:23):
I'm like no, no, no, go like yeah, just having
your own things that you do and not losing that
because it is really easy to Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
I agree, And I think that the mistake I've made
in past relationships is when you spend every waking minute
together every night, especially in those early, that early period
like where you that's like where all the bonding happens.
When you when you conflate all that oxytocin and that
(18:52):
dopamine with the other person's presence, you become codependent. But additionally,
all of that time and all of that codependency, I
honestly think just speeds up the timeline of the relationship
if it's not the right one. It puts it under
so much pressure because you need time to breathe, You
need time to receive stimulation from your friends, from your family,
(19:16):
from your hobbies. And when you don't allow the relationship
to breathe, when you put it in a pressure cooker
and you like almost join your hands together and won't
let them go, all that's going to do is just
completely just burn the string out and you'll be done
by the end.
Speaker 5 (19:33):
Of you and you start irritating each other, yeah, like
you will get to like the point that you're just
like the sound of their voice makes me you want
to cry and it's yeah. And then as well, you
start sitting there and thinking how do we get here?
Like I was so in love with you, how are
we here? It's because like you do need to give
(19:54):
that breathe.
Speaker 4 (19:55):
You need to have that time that you're investing.
Speaker 5 (19:57):
In other things because as well, you're the only constant
in your own life.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
I still agree with that.
Speaker 5 (20:01):
You can't rely on anyone else to be your social life,
to be like the one solo person to be your
social life, your happiness, your entertainment, Like you need to
be that for yourself, and then you need to pull
on multiple resources for that. You need to have your friends,
You need to have your like I say work, but
(20:24):
when I say work, I mean.
Speaker 4 (20:25):
That thing that fuels you and makes you feel successful.
Speaker 5 (20:28):
Yeah, and then your partner can also feed into that.
But it's so important to have those multiple energy sources
that isn't just one person, because that energy source, if
it is just that one person will run out.
Speaker 3 (20:41):
Yeah, that's like draining on both of you.
Speaker 6 (20:43):
And also when you're in a relationship, you're supposed to
be growing together but also individually, and if you don't
each have your own individual things going on, there's nothing
new to bring to the relationship, Like there's no points
of conversation, there's no like, oh I learned this or
so I had this experience and sharing that because it's like, oh, wait,
(21:03):
you were there.
Speaker 3 (21:04):
So then you just become stagnant.
Speaker 6 (21:06):
And I think that's bad for both you as an
individual but also the relationship.
Speaker 3 (21:10):
There's just nowhere to go from there.
Speaker 2 (21:12):
And I wanted to ask, as you live with your
partner Chris now, Yeah, did you have any of those
fears of spending so much time together when you first
moved in?
Speaker 3 (21:21):
Yeah, a little bit.
Speaker 6 (21:22):
So we've lived together for I think like six years now,
but for the first seven or eight years and Bado
mats of our relationship, I think that we were almost
in a long distance relationship because he lived about an
hour and a half away from me when we first
started dating. Then I moved up to Sydney and we
lived three hours away, so we would only get to
(21:43):
spend weekends together. Pretty much, so to go from that
to then living together, I was a little bit concerned.
And I also know that like I love socializing, I
love going to gigs. I love to go out and
have like an out with the girls. Chris doesn't drink,
so there's differences in our lifestyles that I was like, Okay,
(22:07):
this will be interesting, but I really had faith that
it was going to be great. And I was like,
this is actually going to be so fun. It's really
going to bring us together. But a lot of other
people were saying this is going to be real test
fear relationships, and again, like I feel like my guy
instinct was like, no, this is going to be a
(22:27):
good thing.
Speaker 3 (22:28):
Like we've been dating for many years.
Speaker 6 (22:30):
By this point, Like I would hope that I know
him well enough that I think this is going to work.
And it did, like I think, and I think it's
because we have maintained those step like separations in our lives.
So you know, he has his own group of friends
that he'll hang out with, We have our own hobbies.
We have both very different careers but are both very
(22:53):
supportive of each other's work lives and are still like
best friends at the end of the day also, and
we have a lot of fun together. And I think
that's the thing is we have like joy and laughter
every single day that we will go one day without
each other and I like am genuinely so excited to
go home and see hyeah, so amazing.
Speaker 5 (23:14):
I think one thing as well that like we both
do in our relationships is we are not constantly talking
throughout the day. Like we'll have like a few texts
maybe of communication with our partners through the day, or
sometimes we don't talk to them at all, but it's
like there is no constant threat of communication throughout the
whole day. Especially if you live together. That's so much
(23:36):
because then you do see each other and you're like, oh,
so what is what are we talking about? Because I've
already told you everything the second is happening That like
constant texting, constant needs like call every hour and check
in and talk about what's happening in your day, Like isn't.
Speaker 4 (23:51):
Healthy because again, what is there? What more do you have?
Speaker 5 (23:55):
Or if you're watching every single TV show together or
doing every single hobby together, you've got nothing to Like
You're like, oh, I watched this really cool movie. Oh
you watched it too, yeah, like, yes, you've gotten there's
no spice.
Speaker 6 (24:11):
Yeah, and just no time to enjoy things on your
own and what you like, you'll just end up watching
Wall Street Americans.
Speaker 3 (24:20):
I go, yeah, And.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
It's like those points of difference right, Like, And I
loved what you said before about almost diversifying your portfolio,
your life portfolio, because I do think that there's a
tendency that I've seen in myself and amongst friends where
a new love interest enters suddenly sixty percent carved off
to them. And it's natural to be obsessed. It's natural
(24:42):
to have all of that, all of those things like
rushing in your brain and rushing through your body and
like pulling you towards that person. But the big thing
that I think often loses out is our friendships. I
think that is the first thing to go because you
need work for money. I think hobbies are another one
that sometimes we let go of pretty quickly. But I
(25:04):
do think that we have a dedicated like social time,
and sometimes we see social time as like romantic time,
and they take from each other. So how did you
either of you can answer this question, like, would you
have any advice for how to maintain healthy, good friendships
whilst in a relationship, especially in those early days, because
(25:28):
I think it's the worst thing to spend the first
six months obsessed with someone. Wake Up, things aren't going
great and you don't have any friends.
Speaker 4 (25:34):
Yep, yeah, I think.
Speaker 5 (25:39):
At the start, and by at the start, i'm talking
like the first month, I think it's okay to be like.
Speaker 4 (25:44):
Completely infatuated with the person.
Speaker 5 (25:47):
I think your friends, especially good ones, will sit there
and watch and be like love this for you, because
they've also probably been there while you're dating absolute trash
and they're like.
Speaker 3 (25:58):
Please, don't get back with your ex.
Speaker 5 (26:00):
So when you actually meet someone good, they're like stick
stick stacks.
Speaker 4 (26:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (26:08):
So I think it's actually okay to be guiltless about
falling in love. I think you shouldn't have to stress
yourself out about being like, I've met this person, I
really want to spend time with them this weekend, but
I don't know, do I have to see like the girls.
Speaker 4 (26:24):
Like blah blah blah.
Speaker 5 (26:25):
That's okay, you can do that, but once you know
after a month, you definitely need to make sure that
you're investing in your friendships in that month. Also, don't
fall off the face of the earth, like keep up
communications and don't just speak about yourself. Don't just speak
about how happy you are and how amazing things are.
Definitely speak to it, but not only about that, and
make sure that you're asking and investing in your friends'
(26:47):
lives as well. I think what I've like, I've actually
kind it kind of found it a lot simpler in
this relationship than others, because I like missing my partner,
having time away and building that. And it is hard
because when you are completely infatuated them, you're like, I.
Speaker 4 (27:06):
Just want to spend every second with you.
Speaker 5 (27:08):
But I burned that bridge before, like I've done that,
and I'm like, I know I don't want that. Plus
I'm also infatuated with my friends, So I think having
that those really good quality of friends that you do
genuinely feed off and want to see and booking in
those times like have the girls' night that you're like,
oh my god, I saw this really cool bar. Let's
(27:29):
all go on Friday and go You're going on Friday
and it's not a chore.
Speaker 4 (27:33):
You're not like, oh, I've got to go see my friends.
Speaker 5 (27:36):
If you feel like that, maybe that's something to investigate
further too.
Speaker 2 (27:40):
Yeah, it's not the relationships fault.
Speaker 5 (27:42):
Yeah, it's not the relationship's fault if you're like dreading
seeing your friends and so I think making sure that
you invest time into doing things that you really want
to do and booking it.
Speaker 4 (27:51):
In if you are kind of struggling, if you do
have a.
Speaker 5 (27:53):
Partner that wants to spend that Friday night with you
as well, making sure that you let them know in advance,
being like, by the way, Friday, like I'm going to
this bar with the girls.
Speaker 4 (28:03):
You're not asking for permission, by the way. We don't
do that. We don't be like is that okay. You
just be like I'm not available, I'm doing this, and
they'll be like stunning, amazing, brave.
Speaker 6 (28:11):
That's literally what Chris and I do at the beginning
of every week, on like a Sunday night, We're like.
Speaker 3 (28:16):
All right, so what's the schedule for this week?
Speaker 6 (28:18):
And I'm like, okay, so I'll be home this night
this night, and he's like, okay, cool, Like I'm meeting
up with friends on this night. I'm going to do
this on this night. We're like okay, great, So Friday
will go on a date then and do it like that.
But I think, yeah, like booking in regular catch ups
with your girlfriends and don't invite your fucking boyfriend.
Speaker 3 (28:39):
Yeah, sorry, I don'tenough.
Speaker 4 (28:39):
I can.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
I can totally swear yes, don't.
Speaker 3 (28:42):
Like that does not count.
Speaker 6 (28:44):
I think a lot of people think that counts. Like no,
but we caught up last week and Jason was there,
so doesn't count.
Speaker 4 (28:51):
And people are different when their partners are there. You
can't talk about the gross little.
Speaker 5 (28:55):
Things that you do with the girls when you're like,
oh my god, guys, I ate this few the other
day and what came out of me was not much
huven impossible, Like you can't talk about that when like
it's just different, and like because maybe you're comfortable to
say in front of your boyfriend, but your friend probably
doesn't want to talk about the giant pooh they did, boyfriend,
So like, don't bring there, And.
Speaker 6 (29:14):
That's an important part of friends, like you pee, like
we were on a cruise, And I think one thing
that is kind of easy for me in mind is
that a lot of my friends, like my friends and
my boyfriend's friends had mutual friends.
Speaker 5 (29:33):
So like when we're kind of spending time in a
group atmosphere, it is very easy. But what happens is
like He'll go off with like a group of people
and then I'll chill with like another group that we
don't need to be attached to the hip in those
like social settings, Like we can go to a party
and be like, Okay, Dilce's see you in two hours,
and that's fine, And I love that. I've had partners
(29:54):
that like glued to my hip at an event and
I was like, good of me.
Speaker 4 (29:58):
And it's a lot, but I.
Speaker 5 (30:00):
Was going somewhere with this room going oh yeah, like
we recently went on a cruise with our group of
friends and some of them are in relationships, and then
some of them are single, and so it can be
like a cruise, there's not a lot of pickings for
the singles, and so then anyway one of them, I
was like, let's just do a girl's die, Like let's
(30:22):
like ditch the boys for one night and just hang
out with the girls.
Speaker 4 (30:24):
Like making sure that you're kind of showing up for.
Speaker 5 (30:27):
Your friendships, not just booking it in when it's convenient
for you, like not being like, oh I'm.
Speaker 4 (30:34):
Free on Friday night, why don't we get a drink?
Speaker 5 (30:36):
Then definitely that's amazing, but making sure that if they're
being like, oh, I don't have anything on this weekend,
do you want to hang out like you're going like
even if maybe you were planning on just having a
movie night with your partner, if you don't have like
the most concrete of plants, making sure that you're still
showing up for your friends, especially friends that you were
like you're single girly with, because for them, you don't
(30:58):
want them to feel abandoned that it's like they're like, well,
we used to spend all this time together. We used
to go out and you know, pick up and flirt
and just or just hang out together. And then you
don't want them to feel like you've just run off
found a boyfriend and their job's done, like they serve
their purpose. You don't want them to feel that way.
(31:19):
So making sure that you still show up for them
whenever they do want to go out and have that
fun time that you're there.
Speaker 2 (31:26):
I really agree with this as someone who is single
right now. That's something that I have found. It's almost
something that you dread, like your friends get into a
new relationship and you're like, alrighty, so am I about
to be like the third fourth option now or is
this going to stay the same. And you have to
think appreciate from the other perspective that, like you said,
(31:51):
when your friend, someone you love is going through this
incredible experience, you do really want to be there, you
do want to be happy for them. But additionally, I
do think that sometimes I've had experiences where friends have
gotten into relationships and it's been impossible to get a
hold of them, and you just feel a little bit
like it was an authentic that what you had.
Speaker 4 (32:14):
You feel like you've been dumped. Yeah, you do, and
it's like you've been replaced and you're like, hey, what
about me?
Speaker 2 (32:20):
Yeah, And it's the interesting thing, Like, I love your
point about I think if you are from the perspective
of someone who has like a lot of my friends
are in long term relationships. Now, please don't invite your
partner unless they are explicitly invited. I have one of
my best friends, I her and like her partner and
I are actually friends, so but we met through her.
But and I don't mind if he's around, like because
(32:41):
I actually if she goes away, like she will go
out and go shopping and he'll like stay at my
place and like we'll just like have tea in chat
or like that's not a problem. But the thing is
that she does a good job at being like, all right,
buger off. Her and I are going to hang out
for a little bit. And there is an understanding there
that your friendships play an equally important part in your
(33:03):
well being as your.
Speaker 5 (33:04):
Relationships one and I kind of also hate that notion
that life there's something bad about being single. Like I
don't know about you if you've ever experienced this, but
when I was like, people in relationship'll be like, oh, like,
don't worry, you'll find someone, and you're like, I'm not looking.
Speaker 2 (33:19):
Oh my gosh, you know what I hate. Sorry, guys,
I'm gonna still I want to ask this question of
you two, both of you being in relationships. The thing
I get all the time and I'm not looking for love,
already found it already here, No I'm not. I'm so
busy that it's not possible. But the thing that people
(33:42):
always say to me is it will happen when you
least expect it. And I find that so frustrating because
it will happen when you're not looking for it. If
you are an anxious person, like we all are at
some stages. You are never not looking for the next
thing around the corner. That's the whole point about like
anticipatory anxiety. So was that true for you both? Did
(34:05):
it happen when you were least expecting it or when
you when you stopped looking?
Speaker 3 (34:10):
No, No, not at all.
Speaker 6 (34:12):
Like I feel like I'd gone from like dating like
little like high school fuck boys and basically learning exactly
what I didn't want, and then was talking to one
guy who I really thought that I really liked, and
then met Chris and then was just like, well that's
over now. Like so it wasn't even like, oh, like
(34:35):
I'm not going to date, I'm just gonna it's like no,
I was looking.
Speaker 4 (34:38):
Yeah, Like I think mine's like a bit of both.
Speaker 5 (34:41):
I think I was like doing in my sexy single
girl era and had taken the time to work on
myself that like, there were definitely times that I was like.
Speaker 4 (34:52):
I'm not looking for a relationship.
Speaker 5 (34:54):
I was like, absolutely not, I'm so good doing me
because I was working on myself. I was having that
time and was very problematically still engaging with an ex.
Speaker 4 (35:05):
So you weren't, I was so born.
Speaker 5 (35:09):
Yeah, there's a lot of sabotaging part that she's talking about.
Speaker 7 (35:12):
Whilst you're no no, no, no no, I was like wait, no, no, no, no,
Like months before I met my part like nearly a
year before I met my partner, and like we still
had contact, and then it got to a point that
I was.
Speaker 8 (35:28):
Like like I can't move on, Like I can't move
on properly, Like I definitely was not emotionally still there,
like I was not in love with this person anymore, but.
Speaker 4 (35:39):
It was a crutch and I was like, oh no,
this is not feeding me anymore.
Speaker 5 (35:44):
And I was like, this is done, and if I
want to actually find someone that I want to be with,
then I'm cutting this person off.
Speaker 4 (35:53):
And that's exactly what I did.
Speaker 5 (35:54):
And then a year later, I actually met my partner,
and it wasn't like planned. I met them through mutual friends,
so like that is kind of the way that I
wasn't expecting it. But once I met them, I was
like yeah, I was like this is good, but it's
only because I kind of shut off the things that
was holding me back from being in a relationship. Like
(36:16):
I was like, okay, I'm not gonna engage with things
that kind of stunt me emotionally, and I felt like
I had that time to myself that I was like, cool,
I feel like I know who I am, that I'm
actually confident to get into a relationship if I feel
like it's going to be the right one. And then
(36:38):
like he came out of the blue, like I had
no idea who he was.
Speaker 4 (36:41):
I'd never met him before.
Speaker 5 (36:43):
And he was amazing, and I was like, well shit,
But I was also very scared of commitment because I'd
been burned, so I had to navigate that that when
we first met, like I would take like a week
to reply, Like the first date I bailed on?
Speaker 4 (36:57):
No way you bailed on it first?
Speaker 2 (37:01):
Did you reschedule?
Speaker 4 (37:02):
I ended up.
Speaker 5 (37:04):
Messaging him because I was like because he the night
we met, he ended up like booking date. He was like,
We're going on a date, and.
Speaker 4 (37:11):
I was like ay.
Speaker 5 (37:12):
And then I got like that first date anxiety. And
then I was also sick. He doesn't believe me, but
I genuinely was.
Speaker 3 (37:19):
I was, but I was also like anxiety definitely still
played a part, but she was genuinely sick.
Speaker 4 (37:27):
I was genuinely sick. I have the antibiotics prescription to
prove it.
Speaker 5 (37:32):
I need a favor, so I didn't go, and then like,
I just we were talking for a bit and then
I kind of just like didn't reply to the last.
Speaker 4 (37:43):
Message, and then I took about a week and I was.
Speaker 5 (37:44):
Like, and then I just sent a message. I was like,
I'm going to be in the city. Let me know
if you want to join me for a drink and
he was like.
Speaker 4 (37:52):
Absolutely, I would, and I was like and then from
that point it was just the rest we were dating. Yeah.
Speaker 6 (37:58):
But I think that's the thing that is that it
that whole cliche of oh, when you stop looking, someone
will not looking for love.
Speaker 3 (38:06):
I just think that's bullshit.
Speaker 6 (38:07):
I think the thing is, though, is that you can't
be looking for a relationship for the sake to tick
a box, because you're setting yourself up for failure and
you're literally going to settle for the first dud that
like sniffs in your direction, which isn't good. So you
need to be at that point where you're happy with yourself.
And I think that's where al finally was like she'd
(38:28):
done all that work, cut off that dead weight, and
was exactly and then that opportunity presented itself because she
was ready, and I feel like my little teenage was
also the same. But even though I was like, no,
I'm ready for a boyfriend now, like I'm where is he?
Speaker 1 (38:51):
Like?
Speaker 3 (38:52):
But it's by that point I.
Speaker 6 (38:54):
Knew what I did and didn't want out of a boyfriend,
even just by like the shitty people that I interacted.
Speaker 3 (39:00):
With as a young woman.
Speaker 5 (39:01):
Yeah, but that's the thing, Like, you can't be looking
for a relationship to be to make up for something
that's missing in your life, Like you should have everything.
Your cup should be literally overflowing, and then that overflow
you can give to a relationship.
Speaker 2 (39:15):
That is such a beautiful metaphor.
Speaker 5 (39:18):
I didn't make it up. I heard it somewhere. I
didn't want to coin it and someone be like, God,
be right, but it is an analogy that I heard
I can't remember where, but that you or you can
give to other people. Your cup should remain full and
you give others the overflow because they should be filling
up your cup too. So that way, that's yeah, it's
(39:41):
a give and give.
Speaker 4 (39:42):
I don't like the give and take. Everything's a given give.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
And you know the whole point of this episode is
like how do you maintain your identity in a relationship.
You've kind of talked about what you both do in
that sense, What would you do if you realized that
you were losing yourself? What would be like the antidote?
What would be your solution if you woke up and
you were like, oh, right, actually, there's some stuff that
(40:06):
I've that's flown under the radar a little bit here
that's actually become a bigger issue. Not suggesting that you
break up with your partners, but like in terms of
like what would be some of the things you would
immediately put in place or get back to.
Speaker 4 (40:19):
I think the first thing is don't panic.
Speaker 5 (40:22):
I think, don't have a knee jerk reaction and panic
and think, oh my god, I'm a completely different human being?
Speaker 4 (40:30):
Who am I?
Speaker 5 (40:31):
Because it is a scary thought to feel like maybe
you've lost that power over yourself, and it is a
bit intimidating. But I think it's good to simplify where
that's coming from within yourself and really take kind of
everything away and think, what do I want? What is
my identity? What are the things that I like doing
(40:52):
that make me feel genuine joy? Is that going for
a walk and listening to your favorite podcast the psychology
of your twenties and two boat chicks.
Speaker 2 (41:01):
Is that I was hoping you would say yours as well?
Speaker 4 (41:07):
Is that you know, calling your friend?
Speaker 5 (41:09):
Is that reading your smarty little fairy book, finding out
what those things are and doing it and committing to
that plan of putting that time in for yourself or
whatever that is that your identity is.
Speaker 4 (41:21):
Because there's this book.
Speaker 5 (41:25):
What's the book that I'm obsessed with that I always
quote ow the one about habits, atomic habits, tomic habits.
Speaker 2 (41:30):
That's it.
Speaker 5 (41:32):
And so his whole theory that he writes in this
book about identity and individuality is that it is made
up of your habits.
Speaker 4 (41:39):
Your habits create who you are.
Speaker 5 (41:41):
So if you are doing habits that constantly involve someone else,
whether that is hanging out with your friends all the time,
or it's hanging out with your partner all the time,
or it's being at work all the time, there's nothing
within those habits that is making you individual because it's
coming from other other habits that involve other people.
Speaker 4 (42:00):
To identify the habits that make you who you are
and invest.
Speaker 5 (42:04):
Time into those again, because when you were single, you
had all the time in the world to do that,
Whereas when you're in a relationship, your time shifts and
it's so easy, it's so easy to happen, and you're
not lesser than for that happening happens to everyone.
Speaker 6 (42:19):
I feel like that's such a normal experience, and I
think as well as rebuilding those habits, perhaps exploring new ones, yeah,
also have the conversation with your partner and be like, hey,
like I'm feeling this way, I feel like I need
to invest a little bit more time in myself. Maybe
you can do the same and like communicate that so
(42:41):
they're not like, wait, why are they pulling back?
Speaker 3 (42:43):
What's going on?
Speaker 4 (42:44):
And don't ever dramatize it though. I feel like as well,
that could like if your partner comes to.
Speaker 5 (42:48):
You randomly, or you go to your partner randomly, it's like, yeah,
I feel like I don't know who I am.
Speaker 4 (42:53):
I'm gonna spend some time alone.
Speaker 5 (42:54):
I would be like, oh everything okay, yeah, yeah, you'd
be like, you know what I really miss goin p artist.
Speaker 6 (43:00):
I'm going to start doing that every Sunday morning and
like do that. And then I think, as well, with
your friends, if you've you know, let that part of
your life's slide. The most annoying thing is when a
friend either breaks up with their partner or they realize
that they've lost themselves and then they're like, hey, I'm back,
(43:23):
and they sort of just like expect everything to go
back to normal if they've completely ditched you. That can
be like a really frustrating feeling. But what I've had
in the past is people say, hey, like, I've realized
that I've been spending a lot of time with my
partner and no one else. I'm so sorry, I just
completely lost sight of everything else. But I really want
(43:44):
to put effort into this Friendship's such a beautify can
we catch up it? And I was like, I so
respect that honesty and that introspection.
Speaker 3 (43:53):
And then it didn't even.
Speaker 6 (43:54):
Give me the chance to be like, well, look googling
back because I'm like she knows and not like rushing
it under the rush and.
Speaker 3 (44:03):
Yes, let's go get coffee. Yeah, I love you, that's
you're my best friend.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
I had that happen and it was I think it's
also one of those things where you can't expect that,
like you said, everything to be the same. I've had
that in the past where a friend has moved in
with someone. She moved in really quickly, within like seven months,
they were super in love. Two years later on we
hadn't heard from her for like a year, and suddenly
she was a wreck because this was her entire identity.
(44:31):
It had fallen apart. And she came back and was like, Okay,
so why aren't we doing the same things anymore? They
broke up. She was like, why aren't we going out
drinking all the time. Why aren't we hanging out in
each other's houses? And I was like, because we all
have jobs now, and because we all have partners now,
and because we're all doing different things. But I think
she was really She eventually came around to that realization
(44:54):
and was like, actually, just really need some help. And
we were like, yeah, of course, Like we'll do what
we can. So guys, I think this is all we
have time for. But this has been an amazing episode.
I really want to ask both of you. This is
something that the girls do on their show, Too Broke
Ticks life lesson, But what would be your life lesson
from this conversation that you would like to instill to
(45:17):
someone who may be questioning whether their relationship is getting
in the way of their own identity.
Speaker 5 (45:25):
I think the biggest life lesson is for this for me,
would be a reminder that, like you were so fun
to hang out with, hanging out with yourself is the
best time that you can ever invest in. An investment
in yourself is always a good investment. So don't ever
(45:46):
feel like you've lost yourself because you're still in there.
Speaker 4 (45:49):
You're still in there.
Speaker 3 (45:50):
You might be a.
Speaker 5 (45:51):
Little bit different, and that's okay, but it's like with
any muscle, you just keep doing it and it gets stronger.
So if you are feeling like you have lost your identity,
don't worry.
Speaker 4 (46:02):
It's not gone. It's still in there.
Speaker 6 (46:06):
Yeah, And there are so many ways to have a relationship,
a romantic relationship and for it to be fulfilling and
fun and beautiful. But it doesn't have to take up
your entire life. And I think that's a really important
reminder to fill up the other cups in your life
as well.
Speaker 2 (46:24):
Yeah, thank you so much for your brilliant wisdom. Of course,
if you're not listening to two Broke Chicks, you've just
got to do it. They're a lot funnier than me,
so it's true. And go and listen to them if
you're loving Australian accents and and amazing banter and very
(46:48):
incredible wisdom. So thank you both for coming on the show,
thank you for having us, and where can they find
your you personally.
Speaker 3 (46:55):
So you can listen to Two Broke Chicks.
Speaker 6 (46:57):
We have a good podcast, Assaults, but if I podcast
where everywhere, you can't get away from us. Also on
Instagram at two Broake Chicks and on TikTok at two
Broake Chicks Underscore.
Speaker 5 (47:08):
That underscore will count to us for the rest of
someone else got there first and it's fair enough.
Speaker 4 (47:13):
Early bird gets the wind, that's true.
Speaker 3 (47:15):
And if not, you can catch us at Vasco in Surry.
Speaker 5 (47:18):
Hills every Friday night outside and vod Calm Sada waiting
for you.
Speaker 2 (47:22):
Yep, very lovely. Well, thank you all for listening. As always,
if you enjoyed this episode, please feel free to leave
a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify wherever you
are listening right now. If you have a friend who
needs to hear this episode, send it to them.
Speaker 4 (47:38):
What a read though, imagine if you send it to
your friend a relationship
Speaker 2 (47:44):
And no comment, just yeah, nothing else, and you know what,
maybe they'll thank you later, probably not at that point
in time, but and as always, we will be back
next week with another episode.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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