June 5, 2023 • 40 mins
Recently I've been feeling, as the episode title says, ugly. My relationship with my body and sense of 'attractiveness' has always been complicated and in the past few months, certain events and experiences have only exacerbated a lot of the insecurities I've had since childhood. So I wanted to talk about it, because I know I'm not the only one. Our 20s involve a lot of self growth, coming into our own identity and reframing our mindset on appearance and our relationships with our bodies. So what are some of the reasons why we feel 'ugly', how does that experience impact our emotional and mental wellbeing, what is the influence of societally held beauty standards and how we can escape this narrative that our looks are the extend of our worth to society. We talk about all of that and more in today's episode. Listen now.
If you need further information, resources or assistance please refer to the following services:
Australia - The Butterfly Foundation
https://butterfly.org.au/get-support/helpline/
USA - National Eating Disorders Association
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org
UK - Beat Eating Disorders
https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk
Canada - National Eating Disorder Information Centre
https://nedic.ca
Worldwide - https://www.verywellmind.com/leading-eating-disorder-charities-and-organizations-4145389
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. A quick disclaimer before we get
(00:25):
into it. This episode includes topics around body image, eating disorders,
and body dysmorphia. Please consider whether you're in the right
mental headspace to listen to this today. Feel free to
listen to something else and return when the time is right.
There are resources in the episode description if you need
(00:47):
help or further information. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show,
or welcome back to the podcast listeners, old listeners, wherever
you are in the world, it is great to have
you here back for another episode. Well, I feel like
(01:09):
the episode title kind of says it all. We're being
vulnerable today, guys, and I'm kind of super nervous recording this,
But you know what, this show has always been about
being honest with the experiences, the thoughts, and the feelings
of our twenties, and right now, I've been feeling really ugly.
(01:32):
I've been feeling unattractive, and it's been really messing with
my headspace and my self perception. So I want to
talk about it today because I know it's hard to
talk about these things, but I'm guessing there's someone out
there who is going to relate and feel less alone,
and that's really what matters to me. I guess, just
(01:53):
like some background, I don't think that I've ever felt
particularly beautiful during my life, Like even since I was
a kid, I was such a tomboy growing up, and
I always had self cut bangs and was a little
bit dirty from playing outside. And I guess as I
grew up and external image and beauty standards really begun
(02:16):
to matter, I just never felt that attractive. And my
body has never really looked like what I think I've
been taught to see as beautiful. My shoulders have always
been broad, I've always had big thighs, and there are
all these other little things that only we tend to notice.
And in my teenage years, I think that deficiency or
those imperfections mattered so much to me. But as I've
(02:40):
grown up, I've adopted what I would call a more
mature mindset. I grew into my body but also my
identity and my personality, and I used confidence as this
kind of armor, even when it felt fake. You know,
I firmly believe in the mentality that you need to
kind of fake it till you make it, and confidence
(03:01):
is one of those things that you can definitely fake.
But recently those thoughts have really had a resurgence for me,
and I've just found myself consumed with and kind of
constantly thinking about beauty and whether I'm attractive and what
people think of me and everything that is wrong with
(03:22):
how I look. And I want to share that experience
because it's so nuanced. You know. For the first time
in my life, I've been googling plastic surgery and things
I'd never thought i'd do, like a fucking chin reduction surgery.
I didn't even know that existed until a few weeks ago.
And I know that I would never do it. It's
not something I want to do. But there is this
like weirdly evil part of my brain that keeps questioning
(03:47):
and picking at how I look and wondering whether anyone
will ever love me if I look the way I do.
And that's just the saddest thought. It makes me so sad.
But at the same time, I keep returning to this
idea that what I look like is the only thing
that people will find appealing about me and I need
to fix something about my appearance to feel at peace
(04:09):
and to find someone. And that thought also makes me
feel so guilty. I think, in this world where we're
experiencing increasingly, you know, body positive and accepting and diverse
beauty standards, I feel guilty, like why do I care
about this? I know I'm so much more than my looks.
(04:29):
I have so many positive qualities that matter so much more.
That's part of me, and I always try and adopt
this narrative on this podcast that our inner thoughts and
ourself are what is most valuable. So there's this element
of feeling hypocritical and frustrated and angry and that's hard
to admit and really vulnerable. But I want to be
honest and transparent. You know, life isn't perfect, and I
(04:53):
guess neither am I, And it's complicated and it's making
me feel so conflicted. So to day, we're going to
talk about it. We're going to discuss and explore feeling
ugly and the beauty standards that are imposed on us.
What is the psychology behind obsessing over our attractiveness and
(05:13):
our appearance and feeling like you don't meet some standard
or some convention. How does that impact our emotional wellbeing?
And what are the psychological origins from things like low
self esteem and body dysmorphia, social comparison, negative learning experiences,
and all of these societal influences. But I also want
(05:34):
to use this time to counter some of the negative
beliefs I've been having about myself and maybe some that
you're having as well. I think together we're really going
to dive into some of the scientific and psychological ways
we can overcome these feelings by challenging negative thoughts, by
(05:55):
shifting our focus, practicing self compassion, and limiting our exposure
to unrealistic beauty standards, to kind of arm ourselves with
the best possible mental tools to feel good about our bodies,
to feel good about our looks. You know, today's going
to be a vulnerable episode. I feel like the title
(06:16):
gives it away, but I hope we're all prepared. I
hope that it really reaches someone out there who might
need to hear it, and that people are kind, and
that you're in the right place to listen to it.
So without further ado, I think we get into it.
(06:37):
Feeling ugly is such a consuming experience, and it creates
such a narrow view of the world. Everything becomes about appearances,
and we tend to become kind of hyper focused on
what we think other people notice about us and how
that will reflect our character and their acceptance of us
(06:58):
as well. You know, you carry yourself differently. Every outfit
seems to exacerbate some flaw. You stop going out and
spending time doing things that you love. You kind of
do a double take of everyone you see on the
street and look at them through a new lens, like,
why don't I dress like that? I wish I looked
like them? And it's this weird social comparison that never
(07:21):
seems to switch off, and it's exhausting. It's so exhausting.
That's been my experience recently. And it's actually has a name.
I didn't know this until I started looking into it,
but it's called the spotlight effect. It's this mental phenomena
whereby we overestimate how much other people notice us and
(07:42):
think about us. We can sometimes feel like there's constantly
this spotlight on us and all of our imperfections, and
they're so noticeable, and everyone notices the things that we notice,
and the things that we hate about ourselves. And this
is also very much linked to something called the false
consensus effect in psychology, which is our tendency to feel
(08:04):
like our personal beliefs are also held by others. So
if we feel unattractive and we appraise ourselves as being ugly,
other people must believe that as well. I think feeling
ugly is interesting when we examine it this way, because
we realize that this feeling would kind of be entirely
(08:26):
eliminated if we never had to encounter the presence of others,
or if we as humans were built not to care
about what other people thought of us and about their evaluations.
But that's kind of not the way that the world works.
We've evolved from generations and generations to feel like that
(08:48):
spotlight matters, that what we do and what we look
like is the most important thing about us, because at
a time it kind of was was a factor that
was correlated to survival, especially if you were a woman.
Evolutionary psychology and this kind of discipline, it kind of
(09:10):
theorizes and proposes that men and women have different adaptive
strategies and perspectives on beauty because of this practice of
mate selection. Right, So, some studies have suggested that women
may be more attentive to their physical attractiveness and how
(09:31):
that will attract a mate because what they look like,
things like if their skin is clear and their hair
is shiny and they have that body type, it signals
fertility and genetic fitness. And it used to be purely
about survival. You know, if you were beautiful, I guess,
or attractive, it showed that you were a good potential mate.
(09:51):
Therefore you'd be selected. Therefore you would be protected and
more likely to survive. But as those assumptions and innate
assessments developed, and as we have a species have matured
and become more civilized, those kind of beauty standards that
we typically associate with body image issues and feeling unattractive
(10:15):
have kind of emerged. And as women in particular, but
also men, I think we're told that if we don't
conform to certain standards of attractiveness, a man is never
going to choose us. And back when our quality of
life was tied to marriage, that really mattered a lot.
There's all this gender socialization that occurs from a young
(10:37):
age in which we receive a lot of messages about
our appearance and our attractiveness, especially if you're a woman
compared to men, and that socialization process really reinforces the
idea that my value as a woman lies in my
physical appearance, and I think that's main contributor to why
(11:02):
I've been feeling this way recently. I've kind of woken
up to this really sad reality and this evolutionary reality
about what my value is to society, and I think
a lot of that has contributed to how I've been feeling,
Amongst some other psychological factors that I'm going to discuss
in just a second. I think it's hard for me
(11:24):
to also ignore the correlation between feeling like I'm ugly
and dating again. You know, I've spent the past like
better half of the year really focused on myself, and
now it's like I'm back to seeking male approval, and
this has triggered all of these societally ingrained beliefs about
my inherent attractiveness and my worth that I've kind of
(11:46):
had since a child. It takes a lot of effort
and energy to not care about what we look like,
especially in a society that puts it front and center.
So I think that's one factor putting myself back into
an environment in which first impressions and looks feel like
they matter, but also, weirdly, if you follow me on Instagram,
(12:10):
you'll see that I've started to film some of my episodes,
which you know, I've never done before. This podcast has
always been such a solitary in my bedroom or my
home kind of exercise, and I think that having to
look at myself on video and acknowledge that other people
are going to watch that and perhaps judge me, has
(12:31):
been really anxiety inducing and brought a whole new element
to what used to be instill is for me a
very personal process, where my looks have never mattered, only
the content of my brain and what I choose to
share verbally. I think it's important to note here that
from a psychological perspective, feeling ugly is a subjective experience.
(12:56):
You know, when we talk about ugly, that means a
different thing for each different person. It's all very much
self evolved but also societally ingrained, and what we choose
to pick at ourselves about and what we choose to
hate is very much tied to self perception, and it's
(13:17):
highly subjective. But there's also all of these strong signals
from our cultural background and our societal context and society
about what we should look like, about what's beautiful and
what standards and features make us worthwhile. And you know
the hardest part about that is that it changes from
generation to generation, even from like year to year, and
(13:39):
we can kind of never keep up. And I hate
that so much in a way that I can't even
begin to kind of form the words to explain because
it's just so insidious. And I find myself in like
this spiral, and then all I can think about is
like my younger sisters and how they'll have to face
this as well, if they're not all already. And I
(14:01):
also just feel so much self pity and anger that
some of my best years and the best moments of
my twenties have been consumed about anxiety about what I
look like. It's like, it's a fucking epidemic. And I
think a huge contributor is social comparison that is brought
on by more frequent exposure to negative and unrealistic media.
(14:25):
I think constant exposure to carefully curated images of beauty
can lead to comparison, and if you feel like you
don't measure up to these idealized standards, it negatively impacts
your self esteem. This I think is particularly the case
when we engage in upward social comparison, and this occurs
(14:45):
whereby we select individuals we see as superior in some
domain such as attractiveness, and we compare ourselves. And that's
not hard to do when we have millions of incredibly
beautiful people that we can look at from our phones.
You know, we can go on social media and instantly
(15:06):
almost trigger the part of our brain that is going
to make us feel bad about our appearance. It's so prolific,
it's so easily acceptable, and we don't even realize it.
And this is what leads to negative self evaluations, lower
self esteem, and feeling kind of ugly when the comparison
(15:27):
that we're undertaking reveals some kind of deficit in our appearance,
that is what triggers this feeling of ugliness or this
feeling of dissatisfaction in our physical appearance. And this also
kind of links very heavily to self objectification theory. And
this was first presented back in like the nineties, but
(15:48):
I've seen such a huge rise in this theory and
the popularity of this theory with the normalization and proliferation
of social media. So essentially this theory self objectification theory
suggests that when we are repeatedly exposed to certain beauty
standards through readily accessible stimuli and content such as social media,
(16:12):
we come to internalize these standards and view ourselves as
objects to be evaluated based on appearance, as we have
implicitly been doing to those we see online. So essentially,
it's the internalization of the belief that we are being
judged based on our bodies and our appearances because that's
(16:33):
what we're doing to other people. And this is exacerbated
by the online environment created by social media, whereby platforms
like Instagram place a strong emphasis on appearance through features
like likes and comments, which give us a dopamine hit.
It gives us instant gratification to feel like we're receiving
(16:53):
that gratification and validation about our bodies and our appearance
from people online, and we feel like because we are
somewhat evaluating and monitoring and liking and congratulating others on
their appearance through these means that others must be doing
that for us. Hence, this spotlight effect comes back into
(17:16):
play here. This self objectification is what can cause us
to be more susceptible to social comparison and to negative
self perceptions regarding appearance. And you know, we haven't even
spoken yet about the rise in things like face tune
and editing. And let me tell you that everyone is
doing it, everyone, because in a world where we feel
(17:40):
like our lives have to be perfectly curated and we
need to look a certain way, it's kind of hard
to not fall into the trap of smoothing out and
imperfection and editing our faces and our bodies because that's
what we've been told matters. That's been my experience, and
(18:01):
I see a massive correlation between my use of social
media and these feelings of ugliness that I've been experiencing.
And I think if you're already going through a period
of low self esteem, all of these influences can become
so cumulative. You know, our self esteem it refers to
this overall subjective evaluation and perception of our worth, of
(18:25):
our value, of our competence, and it encompasses how we
see ourselves, our beliefs about our abilities, our attractiveness, even
and the extent to which we accept and respect ourselves
and see our position in the world. As valuable and
the origins of our self esteem can be traced back
(18:46):
to various factors that shape our sense of self worth
from very early on in our lives. You know, our
primary influence is early experiences and interactions, particularly in childhood.
The way we were treated and loved and nurtured, not
just by our caregivers, but also by people like our
(19:10):
teachers or our peers, is going to significantly impact the
self esteem we have as adults. If you received positive
and affirming experiences, if you were treated well, if you
weren't bullied, I guess that's going to foster a healthy
sense of self worth, especially when your value is reinforced
(19:32):
by your parents. But conversely, negative experiences such as criticism
such as bullying, comments about looks, rejection, even neglect that
can undermine our self esteem and lead to these feelings
of inadequacy being a much larger part of our lives
(19:52):
the older we get. I think, over time, our self
esteem becomes ingrained. It's no longer what other people think
or what other people say. We become our kind of
own worst enemy and our own evil voice in our head,
telling ourselves that we don't matter, that we're unattractive, and
when we have low self esteem, that's where a lot
(20:15):
of these negative beliefs about our appearance can come from.
Because we focus on our flaws, we focus on our shortcomings,
and what that results in is self criticism, self doubt,
and feeling ugly, feeling unattractive. I think this is interesting
(20:35):
to me because I've always felt like I've had a
fairly positive self esteem until recently, so I'm still trying
to figure out what's changed. And I guess another explanation
that we just have to discuss here that we can't
ignore are certain psychological disorders that are linked to increased
(20:58):
feelings oftractiveness, or an obsession with our appearance. And I
think the one that is most valuable and appropriate to
discuss here is body dysmorphic disorder. Body dysmorphia is another
name for it, and essentially it is a psychological disorder.
It's characterized by an obsessive preoccupation with our perceived flaws,
(21:26):
and it often leads to distress and impairment in our
daily functioning because we are so caught up in these
small things that we see as imperfect, so we avoid
certain activities, we enter into a negative thought spiral. We
feel anxious, and people with body dysmorphic disorder, they often
(21:48):
have a distorted perception of their appearance, meaning not objective.
We focus successively on minor or imagined defects, and I
think it impacts everyone. I think any mental disorder or
condition like this is not just reserved for a certain
(22:09):
group of people. You know, you could be the most
beautiful person in the world and still have body dysmorphia
because it is entirely subjective and based on your own
self appraisal. And there are so many key features of
this disorder that explain why sometimes we just feel gross
(22:29):
and ugly without any explanation or justification. Some say that
this condition is genetic, that it comes from social influences,
that it comes from parents, comes from caregivers, it comes
from even OCD, it's superchromorbid. But I think it is
a really complex psychological condition that really explains why sometimes
(22:55):
nothing can appear wrong from the outside. Everything can look
perfect right, you can be so conventionally attractive, but there
is just this obsession with how we look, and it
shows up in things like you know, needing constant reassurance,
never feeling good enough, always believing that people find us unattractive,
(23:19):
always being able to identify some flaw, checking mirrors all
the time, trying to conceal ourselves and hide away. And
I just think that it's something that needs to be
considered in this broader experience of feeling constantly unattractive and
feeling like your appearance and your perception of your appearance
(23:41):
is holding you back in your life. And importantly, you know,
I think this information it's not really a guide for
self diagnosis. It's just a possible explanation. And if you
can relate to this explanation, it's really important to seek
a professional diagnosis because it can get you into the
(24:03):
treatment and the therapy that you may need. And this
is just such a nuanced space, and there are a
million contributing factors and reasons that we tend to feel
this way. But regardless of these psychological explanations, like, let's
be real, it just it really sucks to feel this way.
(24:24):
It kind of casts a shadow over our whole lives
and can become such an obsession. It just weighs everything down.
It just makes everything feel distorted, and like if you
feel ugly, the world feels ugly, and that's really no
way to live our lives kind of stripped of enjoyment
(24:44):
and obsessed with whether our chin looks too big in
that photo, or whether our lives would be better if
we lost weight. You know, I know that on an
intimate level, and amongst all of my feelings of frustration
and anxiety and just general apathy for life at the moment,
I also just want to have agency over how I feel.
(25:06):
I don't like feeling trapped by my thoughts, so I
kind of want to move on, and I really want
to be free of some of these worries and these
anxieties and these thoughts. So how do we kind of
counter and overcome feeling ugly? I think I'm providing these
strategies very much for you, but also for myself to
kind of remind me that there is freedom from these
(25:30):
thoughts and there is freedom from these feelings. And hopefully
we can kind of share and talk through some of
the strategies that I've been adopting recently to take time
for self reflection and reinforce my inherent belief that looks
do not determine my worth. It can be really hard
to believe sometimes, especially when other parts of our minds
(25:52):
are kind of self sabotaging us, but it's not impossible.
So if you're kind of on a self love journey
like I obviously I am, at the moment, we're going
to talk tangible strategies for shutting down the nasty parts
of our brain that try to tell us our appearance
is all that matters. Here's the thing I keep repeating
(26:18):
to myself as kind of a self soothing reminder. Appearance
doesn't matter as much as society often makes it seem.
And no one is looking at you as closely as
you are looking and examining yourself. Ask yourself this question.
How often do you look at someone and pick apart
(26:38):
their every floor? How often do you think about how
someone is an attractive or how they don't look good?
And how often do you think about that for like
hours of the day, Like I would say, we never
do that. I never do that at least, So why
do we think that people are doing the same for us?
Why do we think that people are spending so much
(27:00):
time in their day worrying or appraising us as unattractive?
And if that even is the case, if there are
people out there whose entire purpose in life is just
to think about how we don't look good enough for them.
Does their opinion even really matter? Do we really want
to be around those people? You know, those people aren't
(27:22):
doing that. There are very few people in the world
who are choosing to make that decision in their life
to feel that way about others. And I think it's
a common but important reminder that your true beauty really
lies beyond physical appearance, and it's rooted in the qualities
that make you unique. Your worth and value as a
(27:45):
human being should not be determined solely by how you look.
It is literally the least important thing about you. Your
body is a vessel, That's what I keep saying. My
body is just a vessel for my character, for my kindness,
my empathy, for my actions, and those are what truly
defined me. My inner qualities, my passions, my talents, the
(28:07):
way that I treat others. I always think of this
quote from what's that children's book. I think it's called
The Twits or I don't know what it's called. It's
like a roll Dar book or something. And there's this
quote though that really stands out that a person who
has good thoughts can never be ugly, because if you
(28:28):
have good thoughts, they will always kind of shine out
of your face like sun beams, and you will always
look lovely. And I firmly believe this. I know that's
probably not much of like a psychological evidence base for this,
but I really do believe that when you have a
positive outlook and you treat others well and you think
(28:50):
good things, that really shows up in how you behave,
and it shows up in how you carry yourself, and
it immediately makes you more attractive. But I guess what
are some of the ways we can reinforce this from
a psychological perspective. It really doesn't matter what you look like.
If you feel unattractive, that's really all that matters. That's
(29:11):
really what's going to impact your life and kind of
ruin your day. So we need to find a way
to overcome that. I think firstly, one of the biggest
things is to challenge those negative thoughts. Become aware of
those negative appraisals about your appearance and challenge them with
more realistic and positive beliefs. When you find those kind
(29:35):
of feelings creeping in, like I wish I was thinner,
my pores are so huge, I hate how I look,
remind yourself instead and replace those beliefs with your positive qualities,
with your achievements and the things you like about yourself
beyond physical appearance. For everything that you can say you
(29:57):
hate about the way you look, for everything that you
find wrong, for every floor list something positive about your character,
I think shift your attention away from appearance and place
more value on your inequalities. And part of that is
also developing skills and pursuing passions and engaging in activities
(30:18):
that cultivate a sense of self worth that is based
on your character and accomplishments rather than something that's super
fleeting and unimportant like appearance. I think you also need
to question the evidence for these thoughts. That's something that
I've been really trying to do. Like this idea that
(30:38):
I'm ugly, This like a compulsion that I have at
the moment. Are you know, is that really based on
objective facts or is it a subjective perception? I think
often our negative thoughts about appearance are distorted and they're
not supported by objective reality. Like has anyone ever said
(30:58):
those things to you? Has anyone ever really picked up
on those small features and factors about yourself that you
don't like? How often have they actually said something, and
if they have said something, do you really care about
their opinion? Have you ever looked at your friend and
loved them less because of some feature they don't like
about themselves? Have you ever discredited someone's opinion because of
(31:23):
their appearance? And why is that? Was there a valid
reason behind you doing that? I think we need to
challenge the validity of these thoughts and consider some alternative
rational perspectives. You know that's easier said than done. You
know I'm coming at you right now saying that even
I can't do this, like I'm giving you really hearing
(31:45):
advice from someone who probably needs to take their own advice.
But I think it's just something to really think about
and something that I need to put in place in
my own life as well. And that's where the second
tip comes in, which is to practice self compassion. We're
not always going to be good at countering our negative
thoughts and beliefs. Sometimes they are still going to be
(32:05):
there and they're still going to exist no matter how
much positive thinking and attitude work we do. So treat
yourself with kindness and compassion instead of being overly critical,
practice self acceptance. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend,
or even better, treat yourself as you would treat the
(32:27):
childhood version of you. If you wouldn't say the things
you're saying about your body or your appearance to the
child version of you, to your inner child, why are
you saying them to the adult version of you. That
child is still inside of you, that version of you
that is innocent and vulnerable and needs to be protected.
(32:47):
They still exist, so protect them. Treating that version of
you with kindness means treating yourself with kindness as well.
And I think a part of practicing self compacres is
also treating others with compassion and the respect that we
feel we deserve. I think when we do kind things,
(33:08):
when we do good by others, we express the best
parts of ourselves, and we prove to ourselves that how
we treat other people and how we make people feel
is worth so much more than how we appear physically
to others. I think of equal importance here is to
(33:30):
surround yourself with positive influences, and surround yourself with supportive
and positive people who appreciate you for who you are.
Avoid those toxic relationships or those toxic environments that reinforce
your negative self perceptions and environments that kind of subconsciously
or implicitly forced you to be self critical, one of
(33:54):
those being out online environments. I think an element of
this is limiting exposure to harmful beauty standards. Be very
mindful of the media and the content that you consume.
If someone makes you feel inadequate, you have the agency
and the power to unfollow. You get to control your
(34:15):
environment and your exposure to the images and the content
that is potentially triggering, and you deserve peace and a
gentler mind. And part of that is setting boundaries around
what you choose to expose yourself to. You know, it
sounds really obvious, but I think we don't always realize
(34:37):
how much of these kind of beauty standards and these
toxic negative beliefs creep into our minds and our self
perception from mindlessly scrolling and consuming. Someone also said this
to me the other day, this kind of fourth tip
that I have, and I was like, this is amazing.
I need to share this. And I think it's always
(34:59):
a good thing to engage in activities that make you
feel accomplished or like a good person that have nothing
to do with looks being good at something or just
spending your time cultivating a new hobby or a skill.
It takes you away from that negative self talk and
it diverts that energy into something that builds your self
(35:19):
esteem in a positive direction. For me, that's you know,
doing this, that's getting to share my thoughts and my
feelings and my knowledge on this show. But it's also
things like going out into nature or swimming in the ocean, hiking,
all that good stuff. And honestly, nature is the best
equalizer because she does not care what you look like.
(35:40):
She doesn't care if you're conventionally attractive or not. She
treats everyone the same. And these activities also take us
out of our minds and into the present and allow
us to break free of that spiraling that can often
accompany critiquing our image and our appearance. And finally, I
think it goes without saying, but seek professional support if
(36:05):
these negative feelings about your appearance persist and significantly impact
your daily life. Sometimes we just need someone who's separate
from the situation to help us out. And that's something
that I'm doing. Like you know, we are pro therapy
on this show. We are so pro therapy. I did
a whole episode on your Guide to Therapy in your twenties,
(36:27):
and I think that it's really valuable to speak to
someone who has perspective, maybe someone who is older, and
especially when it comes to things like a body dysmorphic
disorder or something along those lines, you may need a
more clinical explanation and some more guidance around some of
the practical and even medical ways that you can really
(36:48):
assist your brain in saying goodbye to these to these
fears and these worries and these feelings. Like sometimes you
just need a space that's free from judgment to say.
But what I'm saying right now like I feel ugly,
I feel unattractive, and I want to talk about it,
and I want to kind of release some of that
(37:08):
built up stress and energy and frustration and just sadness
that I feel like I always have to hold. So
I really want to reinforce this one last time. I'm
so sorry, but you're not alone in this. No experience
is ever solitary or isolated. You know, maybe my feelings
help validate that for you. I really hope so. And
(37:30):
I sometimes think that if someone looked at me, I
don't think they would know that this is what's been
going on in my mind. Our thoughts are experienced in
solitude unless we choose to communicate them and be open
with those around us. And yes, I feel ugly, and
this is something that has been part of my reality
for a little while. So as hard as that is
(37:52):
to admit, I don't want to feel that way anymore.
And I'm really tired of being so focused and obsessed
on my appearance. And I know I am so much
more than that, and every day I really strive to
reinforce that and remind myself of this truth. You know,
when I'm seventy, I don't want to look back at
my twenties and regret how much time I spent worrying
(38:14):
about whether other people thought I was beautiful or attractive.
I want to know that I treated people well. I
want to know that I was kind, that I made
a difference, that I enjoyed my life and made incredible
memories and didn't care if I was ugly doing it.
So I hope that you get to feel that way
as well, and looking at it holistically and forcing ourselves
(38:37):
into kind of that hindsight mentality can really help. And
I also think sharing can help you'd be surprised how
many people in your life are probably feeling the same way.
When I was talking about this with my friends and
being like, ah, is this too personal? Is this too intimate?
They were like, fuck no, I feel this way as well,
and as someone out there who's feeling equally this kind
(38:59):
of terrible about their bows in their appearance. So I
hope it's reached you, and I hope you feel better
knowing that you're not experiencing this by yourself. So thank
you so much for listening to this episode. Kind of
a tough one, super vulnerable, so please be kind. I
don't want to wake up tomorrow and have people being
like you were entirely correct. You actually are super fucking ugly,
(39:22):
so show your mouth. I don't think anyone would ever
say that. But you know, if you didn't like this
episode and it provided you with some valuable insights, maybe
share it on leave a five star review if you
feel cool to do so. It really does help the
show to grow and reach new people, and it makes
my day. It makes me feel like I'm doing something valuable.
So if that's something you feel cool to do, so
(39:44):
please give it a go. If not, that's all right,
You're still welcome here, and I hope to have you
back for another episode. If there is something on your
mind to do with your twenties, to do with psychology
and you want to know more, please follow me at
that Psychology Podcast and shoot me an episode suggestion. I
love hearing about what everyone's going through and what your
(40:04):
experiences are and how we can kind of apply a
scientific and deep psychological knowledge and explanation to it, So
hope to see you over there as always. Thank you
so much for listening and for supporting the show, and
we will be back next week with another episode
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
the podcast where we talk through some of the big
life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
mean for our psychology. A quick disclaimer before we get
(00:25):
into it. This episode includes topics around body image, eating disorders,
and body dysmorphia. Please consider whether you're in the right
mental headspace to listen to this today. Feel free to
listen to something else and return when the time is right.
There are resources in the episode description if you need
(00:47):
help or further information. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show,
or welcome back to the podcast listeners, old listeners, wherever
you are in the world, it is great to have
you here back for another episode. Well, I feel like
(01:09):
the episode title kind of says it all. We're being
vulnerable today, guys, and I'm kind of super nervous recording this,
But you know what, this show has always been about
being honest with the experiences, the thoughts, and the feelings
of our twenties, and right now, I've been feeling really ugly.
(01:32):
I've been feeling unattractive, and it's been really messing with
my headspace and my self perception. So I want to
talk about it today because I know it's hard to
talk about these things, but I'm guessing there's someone out
there who is going to relate and feel less alone,
and that's really what matters to me. I guess, just
(01:53):
like some background, I don't think that I've ever felt
particularly beautiful during my life, Like even since I was
a kid, I was such a tomboy growing up, and
I always had self cut bangs and was a little
bit dirty from playing outside. And I guess as I
grew up and external image and beauty standards really begun
(02:16):
to matter, I just never felt that attractive. And my
body has never really looked like what I think I've
been taught to see as beautiful. My shoulders have always
been broad, I've always had big thighs, and there are
all these other little things that only we tend to notice.
And in my teenage years, I think that deficiency or
those imperfections mattered so much to me. But as I've
(02:40):
grown up, I've adopted what I would call a more
mature mindset. I grew into my body but also my
identity and my personality, and I used confidence as this
kind of armor, even when it felt fake. You know,
I firmly believe in the mentality that you need to
kind of fake it till you make it, and confidence
(03:01):
is one of those things that you can definitely fake.
But recently those thoughts have really had a resurgence for me,
and I've just found myself consumed with and kind of
constantly thinking about beauty and whether I'm attractive and what
people think of me and everything that is wrong with
(03:22):
how I look. And I want to share that experience
because it's so nuanced. You know. For the first time
in my life, I've been googling plastic surgery and things
I'd never thought i'd do, like a fucking chin reduction surgery.
I didn't even know that existed until a few weeks ago.
And I know that I would never do it. It's
not something I want to do. But there is this
like weirdly evil part of my brain that keeps questioning
(03:47):
and picking at how I look and wondering whether anyone
will ever love me if I look the way I do.
And that's just the saddest thought. It makes me so sad.
But at the same time, I keep returning to this
idea that what I look like is the only thing
that people will find appealing about me and I need
to fix something about my appearance to feel at peace
(04:09):
and to find someone. And that thought also makes me
feel so guilty. I think, in this world where we're
experiencing increasingly, you know, body positive and accepting and diverse
beauty standards, I feel guilty, like why do I care
about this? I know I'm so much more than my looks.
(04:29):
I have so many positive qualities that matter so much more.
That's part of me, and I always try and adopt
this narrative on this podcast that our inner thoughts and
ourself are what is most valuable. So there's this element
of feeling hypocritical and frustrated and angry and that's hard
to admit and really vulnerable. But I want to be
honest and transparent. You know, life isn't perfect, and I
(04:53):
guess neither am I, And it's complicated and it's making
me feel so conflicted. So to day, we're going to
talk about it. We're going to discuss and explore feeling
ugly and the beauty standards that are imposed on us.
What is the psychology behind obsessing over our attractiveness and
(05:13):
our appearance and feeling like you don't meet some standard
or some convention. How does that impact our emotional wellbeing?
And what are the psychological origins from things like low
self esteem and body dysmorphia, social comparison, negative learning experiences,
and all of these societal influences. But I also want
(05:34):
to use this time to counter some of the negative
beliefs I've been having about myself and maybe some that
you're having as well. I think together we're really going
to dive into some of the scientific and psychological ways
we can overcome these feelings by challenging negative thoughts, by
(05:55):
shifting our focus, practicing self compassion, and limiting our exposure
to unrealistic beauty standards, to kind of arm ourselves with
the best possible mental tools to feel good about our bodies,
to feel good about our looks. You know, today's going
to be a vulnerable episode. I feel like the title
(06:16):
gives it away, but I hope we're all prepared. I
hope that it really reaches someone out there who might
need to hear it, and that people are kind, and
that you're in the right place to listen to it.
So without further ado, I think we get into it.
(06:37):
Feeling ugly is such a consuming experience, and it creates
such a narrow view of the world. Everything becomes about appearances,
and we tend to become kind of hyper focused on
what we think other people notice about us and how
that will reflect our character and their acceptance of us
(06:58):
as well. You know, you carry yourself differently. Every outfit
seems to exacerbate some flaw. You stop going out and
spending time doing things that you love. You kind of
do a double take of everyone you see on the
street and look at them through a new lens, like,
why don't I dress like that? I wish I looked
like them? And it's this weird social comparison that never
(07:21):
seems to switch off, and it's exhausting. It's so exhausting.
That's been my experience recently. And it's actually has a name.
I didn't know this until I started looking into it,
but it's called the spotlight effect. It's this mental phenomena
whereby we overestimate how much other people notice us and
(07:42):
think about us. We can sometimes feel like there's constantly
this spotlight on us and all of our imperfections, and
they're so noticeable, and everyone notices the things that we notice,
and the things that we hate about ourselves. And this
is also very much linked to something called the false
consensus effect in psychology, which is our tendency to feel
(08:04):
like our personal beliefs are also held by others. So
if we feel unattractive and we appraise ourselves as being ugly,
other people must believe that as well. I think feeling
ugly is interesting when we examine it this way, because
we realize that this feeling would kind of be entirely
(08:26):
eliminated if we never had to encounter the presence of others,
or if we as humans were built not to care
about what other people thought of us and about their evaluations.
But that's kind of not the way that the world works.
We've evolved from generations and generations to feel like that
(08:48):
spotlight matters, that what we do and what we look
like is the most important thing about us, because at
a time it kind of was was a factor that
was correlated to survival, especially if you were a woman.
Evolutionary psychology and this kind of discipline, it kind of
(09:10):
theorizes and proposes that men and women have different adaptive
strategies and perspectives on beauty because of this practice of
mate selection. Right, So, some studies have suggested that women
may be more attentive to their physical attractiveness and how
(09:31):
that will attract a mate because what they look like,
things like if their skin is clear and their hair
is shiny and they have that body type, it signals
fertility and genetic fitness. And it used to be purely
about survival. You know, if you were beautiful, I guess,
or attractive, it showed that you were a good potential mate.
(09:51):
Therefore you'd be selected. Therefore you would be protected and
more likely to survive. But as those assumptions and innate
assessments developed, and as we have a species have matured
and become more civilized, those kind of beauty standards that
we typically associate with body image issues and feeling unattractive
(10:15):
have kind of emerged. And as women in particular, but
also men, I think we're told that if we don't
conform to certain standards of attractiveness, a man is never
going to choose us. And back when our quality of
life was tied to marriage, that really mattered a lot.
There's all this gender socialization that occurs from a young
(10:37):
age in which we receive a lot of messages about
our appearance and our attractiveness, especially if you're a woman
compared to men, and that socialization process really reinforces the
idea that my value as a woman lies in my
physical appearance, and I think that's main contributor to why
(11:02):
I've been feeling this way recently. I've kind of woken
up to this really sad reality and this evolutionary reality
about what my value is to society, and I think
a lot of that has contributed to how I've been feeling,
Amongst some other psychological factors that I'm going to discuss
in just a second. I think it's hard for me
(11:24):
to also ignore the correlation between feeling like I'm ugly
and dating again. You know, I've spent the past like
better half of the year really focused on myself, and
now it's like I'm back to seeking male approval, and
this has triggered all of these societally ingrained beliefs about
my inherent attractiveness and my worth that I've kind of
(11:46):
had since a child. It takes a lot of effort
and energy to not care about what we look like,
especially in a society that puts it front and center.
So I think that's one factor putting myself back into
an environment in which first impressions and looks feel like
they matter, but also, weirdly, if you follow me on Instagram,
(12:10):
you'll see that I've started to film some of my episodes,
which you know, I've never done before. This podcast has
always been such a solitary in my bedroom or my
home kind of exercise, and I think that having to
look at myself on video and acknowledge that other people
are going to watch that and perhaps judge me, has
(12:31):
been really anxiety inducing and brought a whole new element
to what used to be instill is for me a
very personal process, where my looks have never mattered, only
the content of my brain and what I choose to
share verbally. I think it's important to note here that
from a psychological perspective, feeling ugly is a subjective experience.
(12:56):
You know, when we talk about ugly, that means a
different thing for each different person. It's all very much
self evolved but also societally ingrained, and what we choose
to pick at ourselves about and what we choose to
hate is very much tied to self perception, and it's
(13:17):
highly subjective. But there's also all of these strong signals
from our cultural background and our societal context and society
about what we should look like, about what's beautiful and
what standards and features make us worthwhile. And you know
the hardest part about that is that it changes from
generation to generation, even from like year to year, and
(13:39):
we can kind of never keep up. And I hate
that so much in a way that I can't even
begin to kind of form the words to explain because
it's just so insidious. And I find myself in like
this spiral, and then all I can think about is
like my younger sisters and how they'll have to face
this as well, if they're not all already. And I
(14:01):
also just feel so much self pity and anger that
some of my best years and the best moments of
my twenties have been consumed about anxiety about what I
look like. It's like, it's a fucking epidemic. And I
think a huge contributor is social comparison that is brought
on by more frequent exposure to negative and unrealistic media.
(14:25):
I think constant exposure to carefully curated images of beauty
can lead to comparison, and if you feel like you
don't measure up to these idealized standards, it negatively impacts
your self esteem. This I think is particularly the case
when we engage in upward social comparison, and this occurs
(14:45):
whereby we select individuals we see as superior in some
domain such as attractiveness, and we compare ourselves. And that's
not hard to do when we have millions of incredibly
beautiful people that we can look at from our phones.
You know, we can go on social media and instantly
(15:06):
almost trigger the part of our brain that is going
to make us feel bad about our appearance. It's so prolific,
it's so easily acceptable, and we don't even realize it.
And this is what leads to negative self evaluations, lower
self esteem, and feeling kind of ugly when the comparison
(15:27):
that we're undertaking reveals some kind of deficit in our appearance,
that is what triggers this feeling of ugliness or this
feeling of dissatisfaction in our physical appearance. And this also
kind of links very heavily to self objectification theory. And
this was first presented back in like the nineties, but
(15:48):
I've seen such a huge rise in this theory and
the popularity of this theory with the normalization and proliferation
of social media. So essentially this theory self objectification theory
suggests that when we are repeatedly exposed to certain beauty
standards through readily accessible stimuli and content such as social media,
(16:12):
we come to internalize these standards and view ourselves as
objects to be evaluated based on appearance, as we have
implicitly been doing to those we see online. So essentially,
it's the internalization of the belief that we are being
judged based on our bodies and our appearances because that's
(16:33):
what we're doing to other people. And this is exacerbated
by the online environment created by social media, whereby platforms
like Instagram place a strong emphasis on appearance through features
like likes and comments, which give us a dopamine hit.
It gives us instant gratification to feel like we're receiving
(16:53):
that gratification and validation about our bodies and our appearance
from people online, and we feel like because we are
somewhat evaluating and monitoring and liking and congratulating others on
their appearance through these means that others must be doing
that for us. Hence, this spotlight effect comes back into
(17:16):
play here. This self objectification is what can cause us
to be more susceptible to social comparison and to negative
self perceptions regarding appearance. And you know, we haven't even
spoken yet about the rise in things like face tune
and editing. And let me tell you that everyone is
doing it, everyone, because in a world where we feel
(17:40):
like our lives have to be perfectly curated and we
need to look a certain way, it's kind of hard
to not fall into the trap of smoothing out and
imperfection and editing our faces and our bodies because that's
what we've been told matters. That's been my experience, and
(18:01):
I see a massive correlation between my use of social
media and these feelings of ugliness that I've been experiencing.
And I think if you're already going through a period
of low self esteem, all of these influences can become
so cumulative. You know, our self esteem it refers to
this overall subjective evaluation and perception of our worth, of
(18:25):
our value, of our competence, and it encompasses how we
see ourselves, our beliefs about our abilities, our attractiveness, even
and the extent to which we accept and respect ourselves
and see our position in the world. As valuable and
the origins of our self esteem can be traced back
(18:46):
to various factors that shape our sense of self worth
from very early on in our lives. You know, our
primary influence is early experiences and interactions, particularly in childhood.
The way we were treated and loved and nurtured, not
just by our caregivers, but also by people like our
(19:10):
teachers or our peers, is going to significantly impact the
self esteem we have as adults. If you received positive
and affirming experiences, if you were treated well, if you
weren't bullied, I guess that's going to foster a healthy
sense of self worth, especially when your value is reinforced
(19:32):
by your parents. But conversely, negative experiences such as criticism
such as bullying, comments about looks, rejection, even neglect that
can undermine our self esteem and lead to these feelings
of inadequacy being a much larger part of our lives
(19:52):
the older we get. I think, over time, our self
esteem becomes ingrained. It's no longer what other people think
or what other people say. We become our kind of
own worst enemy and our own evil voice in our head,
telling ourselves that we don't matter, that we're unattractive, and
when we have low self esteem, that's where a lot
(20:15):
of these negative beliefs about our appearance can come from.
Because we focus on our flaws, we focus on our shortcomings,
and what that results in is self criticism, self doubt,
and feeling ugly, feeling unattractive. I think this is interesting
(20:35):
to me because I've always felt like I've had a
fairly positive self esteem until recently, so I'm still trying
to figure out what's changed. And I guess another explanation
that we just have to discuss here that we can't
ignore are certain psychological disorders that are linked to increased
(20:58):
feelings oftractiveness, or an obsession with our appearance. And I
think the one that is most valuable and appropriate to
discuss here is body dysmorphic disorder. Body dysmorphia is another
name for it, and essentially it is a psychological disorder.
It's characterized by an obsessive preoccupation with our perceived flaws,
(21:26):
and it often leads to distress and impairment in our
daily functioning because we are so caught up in these
small things that we see as imperfect, so we avoid
certain activities, we enter into a negative thought spiral. We
feel anxious, and people with body dysmorphic disorder, they often
(21:48):
have a distorted perception of their appearance, meaning not objective.
We focus successively on minor or imagined defects, and I
think it impacts everyone. I think any mental disorder or
condition like this is not just reserved for a certain
(22:09):
group of people. You know, you could be the most
beautiful person in the world and still have body dysmorphia
because it is entirely subjective and based on your own
self appraisal. And there are so many key features of
this disorder that explain why sometimes we just feel gross
(22:29):
and ugly without any explanation or justification. Some say that
this condition is genetic, that it comes from social influences,
that it comes from parents, comes from caregivers, it comes
from even OCD, it's superchromorbid. But I think it is
a really complex psychological condition that really explains why sometimes
(22:55):
nothing can appear wrong from the outside. Everything can look
perfect right, you can be so conventionally attractive, but there
is just this obsession with how we look, and it
shows up in things like you know, needing constant reassurance,
never feeling good enough, always believing that people find us unattractive,
(23:19):
always being able to identify some flaw, checking mirrors all
the time, trying to conceal ourselves and hide away. And
I just think that it's something that needs to be
considered in this broader experience of feeling constantly unattractive and
feeling like your appearance and your perception of your appearance
(23:41):
is holding you back in your life. And importantly, you know,
I think this information it's not really a guide for
self diagnosis. It's just a possible explanation. And if you
can relate to this explanation, it's really important to seek
a professional diagnosis because it can get you into the
(24:03):
treatment and the therapy that you may need. And this
is just such a nuanced space, and there are a
million contributing factors and reasons that we tend to feel
this way. But regardless of these psychological explanations, like, let's
be real, it just it really sucks to feel this way.
(24:24):
It kind of casts a shadow over our whole lives
and can become such an obsession. It just weighs everything down.
It just makes everything feel distorted, and like if you
feel ugly, the world feels ugly, and that's really no
way to live our lives kind of stripped of enjoyment
(24:44):
and obsessed with whether our chin looks too big in
that photo, or whether our lives would be better if
we lost weight. You know, I know that on an
intimate level, and amongst all of my feelings of frustration
and anxiety and just general apathy for life at the moment,
I also just want to have agency over how I feel.
(25:06):
I don't like feeling trapped by my thoughts, so I
kind of want to move on, and I really want
to be free of some of these worries and these
anxieties and these thoughts. So how do we kind of
counter and overcome feeling ugly? I think I'm providing these
strategies very much for you, but also for myself to
kind of remind me that there is freedom from these
(25:30):
thoughts and there is freedom from these feelings. And hopefully
we can kind of share and talk through some of
the strategies that I've been adopting recently to take time
for self reflection and reinforce my inherent belief that looks
do not determine my worth. It can be really hard
to believe sometimes, especially when other parts of our minds
(25:52):
are kind of self sabotaging us, but it's not impossible.
So if you're kind of on a self love journey
like I obviously I am, at the moment, we're going
to talk tangible strategies for shutting down the nasty parts
of our brain that try to tell us our appearance
is all that matters. Here's the thing I keep repeating
(26:18):
to myself as kind of a self soothing reminder. Appearance
doesn't matter as much as society often makes it seem.
And no one is looking at you as closely as
you are looking and examining yourself. Ask yourself this question.
How often do you look at someone and pick apart
(26:38):
their every floor? How often do you think about how
someone is an attractive or how they don't look good?
And how often do you think about that for like
hours of the day, Like I would say, we never
do that. I never do that at least, So why
do we think that people are doing the same for us?
Why do we think that people are spending so much
(27:00):
time in their day worrying or appraising us as unattractive?
And if that even is the case, if there are
people out there whose entire purpose in life is just
to think about how we don't look good enough for them.
Does their opinion even really matter? Do we really want
to be around those people? You know, those people aren't
(27:22):
doing that. There are very few people in the world
who are choosing to make that decision in their life
to feel that way about others. And I think it's
a common but important reminder that your true beauty really
lies beyond physical appearance, and it's rooted in the qualities
that make you unique. Your worth and value as a
(27:45):
human being should not be determined solely by how you look.
It is literally the least important thing about you. Your
body is a vessel, That's what I keep saying. My
body is just a vessel for my character, for my kindness,
my empathy, for my actions, and those are what truly
defined me. My inner qualities, my passions, my talents, the
(28:07):
way that I treat others. I always think of this
quote from what's that children's book. I think it's called
The Twits or I don't know what it's called. It's
like a roll Dar book or something. And there's this
quote though that really stands out that a person who
has good thoughts can never be ugly, because if you
(28:28):
have good thoughts, they will always kind of shine out
of your face like sun beams, and you will always
look lovely. And I firmly believe this. I know that's
probably not much of like a psychological evidence base for this,
but I really do believe that when you have a
positive outlook and you treat others well and you think
(28:50):
good things, that really shows up in how you behave,
and it shows up in how you carry yourself, and
it immediately makes you more attractive. But I guess what
are some of the ways we can reinforce this from
a psychological perspective. It really doesn't matter what you look like.
If you feel unattractive, that's really all that matters. That's
(29:11):
really what's going to impact your life and kind of
ruin your day. So we need to find a way
to overcome that. I think firstly, one of the biggest
things is to challenge those negative thoughts. Become aware of
those negative appraisals about your appearance and challenge them with
more realistic and positive beliefs. When you find those kind
(29:35):
of feelings creeping in, like I wish I was thinner,
my pores are so huge, I hate how I look,
remind yourself instead and replace those beliefs with your positive qualities,
with your achievements and the things you like about yourself
beyond physical appearance. For everything that you can say you
(29:57):
hate about the way you look, for everything that you
find wrong, for every floor list something positive about your character,
I think shift your attention away from appearance and place
more value on your inequalities. And part of that is
also developing skills and pursuing passions and engaging in activities
(30:18):
that cultivate a sense of self worth that is based
on your character and accomplishments rather than something that's super
fleeting and unimportant like appearance. I think you also need
to question the evidence for these thoughts. That's something that
I've been really trying to do. Like this idea that
(30:38):
I'm ugly, This like a compulsion that I have at
the moment. Are you know, is that really based on
objective facts or is it a subjective perception? I think
often our negative thoughts about appearance are distorted and they're
not supported by objective reality. Like has anyone ever said
(30:58):
those things to you? Has anyone ever really picked up
on those small features and factors about yourself that you
don't like? How often have they actually said something, and
if they have said something, do you really care about
their opinion? Have you ever looked at your friend and
loved them less because of some feature they don't like
about themselves? Have you ever discredited someone's opinion because of
(31:23):
their appearance? And why is that? Was there a valid
reason behind you doing that? I think we need to
challenge the validity of these thoughts and consider some alternative
rational perspectives. You know that's easier said than done. You
know I'm coming at you right now saying that even
I can't do this, like I'm giving you really hearing
(31:45):
advice from someone who probably needs to take their own advice.
But I think it's just something to really think about
and something that I need to put in place in
my own life as well. And that's where the second
tip comes in, which is to practice self compassion. We're
not always going to be good at countering our negative
thoughts and beliefs. Sometimes they are still going to be
(32:05):
there and they're still going to exist no matter how
much positive thinking and attitude work we do. So treat
yourself with kindness and compassion instead of being overly critical,
practice self acceptance. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend,
or even better, treat yourself as you would treat the
(32:27):
childhood version of you. If you wouldn't say the things
you're saying about your body or your appearance to the
child version of you, to your inner child, why are
you saying them to the adult version of you. That
child is still inside of you, that version of you
that is innocent and vulnerable and needs to be protected.
(32:47):
They still exist, so protect them. Treating that version of
you with kindness means treating yourself with kindness as well.
And I think a part of practicing self compacres is
also treating others with compassion and the respect that we
feel we deserve. I think when we do kind things,
(33:08):
when we do good by others, we express the best
parts of ourselves, and we prove to ourselves that how
we treat other people and how we make people feel
is worth so much more than how we appear physically
to others. I think of equal importance here is to
(33:30):
surround yourself with positive influences, and surround yourself with supportive
and positive people who appreciate you for who you are.
Avoid those toxic relationships or those toxic environments that reinforce
your negative self perceptions and environments that kind of subconsciously
or implicitly forced you to be self critical, one of
(33:54):
those being out online environments. I think an element of
this is limiting exposure to harmful beauty standards. Be very
mindful of the media and the content that you consume.
If someone makes you feel inadequate, you have the agency
and the power to unfollow. You get to control your
(34:15):
environment and your exposure to the images and the content
that is potentially triggering, and you deserve peace and a
gentler mind. And part of that is setting boundaries around
what you choose to expose yourself to. You know, it
sounds really obvious, but I think we don't always realize
(34:37):
how much of these kind of beauty standards and these
toxic negative beliefs creep into our minds and our self
perception from mindlessly scrolling and consuming. Someone also said this
to me the other day, this kind of fourth tip
that I have, and I was like, this is amazing.
I need to share this. And I think it's always
(34:59):
a good thing to engage in activities that make you
feel accomplished or like a good person that have nothing
to do with looks being good at something or just
spending your time cultivating a new hobby or a skill.
It takes you away from that negative self talk and
it diverts that energy into something that builds your self
(35:19):
esteem in a positive direction. For me, that's you know,
doing this, that's getting to share my thoughts and my
feelings and my knowledge on this show. But it's also
things like going out into nature or swimming in the ocean, hiking,
all that good stuff. And honestly, nature is the best
equalizer because she does not care what you look like.
(35:40):
She doesn't care if you're conventionally attractive or not. She
treats everyone the same. And these activities also take us
out of our minds and into the present and allow
us to break free of that spiraling that can often
accompany critiquing our image and our appearance. And finally, I
think it goes without saying, but seek professional support if
(36:05):
these negative feelings about your appearance persist and significantly impact
your daily life. Sometimes we just need someone who's separate
from the situation to help us out. And that's something
that I'm doing. Like you know, we are pro therapy
on this show. We are so pro therapy. I did
a whole episode on your Guide to Therapy in your twenties,
(36:27):
and I think that it's really valuable to speak to
someone who has perspective, maybe someone who is older, and
especially when it comes to things like a body dysmorphic
disorder or something along those lines, you may need a
more clinical explanation and some more guidance around some of
the practical and even medical ways that you can really
(36:48):
assist your brain in saying goodbye to these to these
fears and these worries and these feelings. Like sometimes you
just need a space that's free from judgment to say.
But what I'm saying right now like I feel ugly,
I feel unattractive, and I want to talk about it,
and I want to kind of release some of that
(37:08):
built up stress and energy and frustration and just sadness
that I feel like I always have to hold. So
I really want to reinforce this one last time. I'm
so sorry, but you're not alone in this. No experience
is ever solitary or isolated. You know, maybe my feelings
help validate that for you. I really hope so. And
(37:30):
I sometimes think that if someone looked at me, I
don't think they would know that this is what's been
going on in my mind. Our thoughts are experienced in
solitude unless we choose to communicate them and be open
with those around us. And yes, I feel ugly, and
this is something that has been part of my reality
for a little while. So as hard as that is
(37:52):
to admit, I don't want to feel that way anymore.
And I'm really tired of being so focused and obsessed
on my appearance. And I know I am so much
more than that, and every day I really strive to
reinforce that and remind myself of this truth. You know,
when I'm seventy, I don't want to look back at
my twenties and regret how much time I spent worrying
(38:14):
about whether other people thought I was beautiful or attractive.
I want to know that I treated people well. I
want to know that I was kind, that I made
a difference, that I enjoyed my life and made incredible
memories and didn't care if I was ugly doing it.
So I hope that you get to feel that way
as well, and looking at it holistically and forcing ourselves
(38:37):
into kind of that hindsight mentality can really help. And
I also think sharing can help you'd be surprised how
many people in your life are probably feeling the same way.
When I was talking about this with my friends and
being like, ah, is this too personal? Is this too intimate?
They were like, fuck no, I feel this way as well,
and as someone out there who's feeling equally this kind
(38:59):
of terrible about their bows in their appearance. So I
hope it's reached you, and I hope you feel better
knowing that you're not experiencing this by yourself. So thank
you so much for listening to this episode. Kind of
a tough one, super vulnerable, so please be kind. I
don't want to wake up tomorrow and have people being
like you were entirely correct. You actually are super fucking ugly,
(39:22):
so show your mouth. I don't think anyone would ever
say that. But you know, if you didn't like this
episode and it provided you with some valuable insights, maybe
share it on leave a five star review if you
feel cool to do so. It really does help the
show to grow and reach new people, and it makes
my day. It makes me feel like I'm doing something valuable.
So if that's something you feel cool to do, so
(39:44):
please give it a go. If not, that's all right,
You're still welcome here, and I hope to have you
back for another episode. If there is something on your
mind to do with your twenties, to do with psychology
and you want to know more, please follow me at
that Psychology Podcast and shoot me an episode suggestion. I
love hearing about what everyone's going through and what your
(40:04):
experiences are and how we can kind of apply a
scientific and deep psychological knowledge and explanation to it, So
hope to see you over there as always. Thank you
so much for listening and for supporting the show, and
we will be back next week with another episode
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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