August 30, 2023 • 29 mins
This week’s callers think there are no more good single men out there. One woman is only attracting men who take and never give in the relationship, and now she measures her relationships as a transaction. Then, the second caller believes she’ll never find what she wants in a partner, and because of that ends up finding men who leave her. Iyanla takes it all the way back to the root, diving into each callers’ belief systems (B.S.) developed at a young age.
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This is a rebroadcast of Episode 14.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am a yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher
for salm, and a soft place to fall for others.
And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
I love myself enough to be able to share my
love with other people. Welcome to the r Spot, a
production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Everyone has
(00:40):
their own BS, their own belief system, and everyone believes
things about the world based on that BS, that belief system.
It's a survival mechanism or a way of understanding the
world around us and our experiences. If you were bitten
(01:01):
by a dog at a young age, you might believe
that all dogs will bite you, that dogs are scary
and dangerous. If you've ever had a car accident, maybe
you are afraid to drive. Anything and everything we experience
can push the triggers of our belief systems in one
(01:21):
way or another, and that also applies to relationships. People
who have dealt with abandonment will attract those who abandon them,
people who have dealt with rejection will attract those who
reject them. And others who believe they don't deserve love,
can't have love, won't ever get love will attract people
(01:44):
who cannot give them the love that they want or need.
It's a catch twenty two. So how do you fix that?
How do you heal those issues? Well, we're gonna learn
about that today. Let's say hello to our first caller.
(02:05):
Good afternoon, beloved, welcome to the art spot. How can
I support you today?
Speaker 2 (02:11):
First, I want to say I love you. I've been
listening to you for years. I wish you could be
like my personal therapist. I really wish.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
No, I'm not a therapist, so we would be in
a lot of trouble.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
I know, I know, but your insight is just amazing.
Speaker 3 (02:28):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
What kind of insight can I support you with? Today?
Speaker 2 (02:33):
So basically, I truly desire to have a committed relationship.
I want to be married. I would like to have
another child. But it's like all of the men that
I come across, it's like they all just want, you know,
to deal with multiple women. They don't want to commit,
or they act like they do at the beginning just
to give what they want and then they disappear. So
(02:56):
I'm kind of just like losing hope for anything serious.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
I don't know who do me either? Oh my God
me either, honey, and you a lot younger than I am.
So the people my age ain't got no teething on
all kinds of medication and pieces and parts ain't working.
So we just out here together. What else gonna do?
(03:20):
What else gonna do? Right, Well, I'm gonna go right
to the core. Why do you want to be in relationship?
Speaker 2 (03:28):
That's a great question. I feel like I would be
happy if I had a family to care for. That
would just make me happy.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
So you want to be in relationship for what it
will bring to you?
Speaker 2 (03:43):
Well, I also want to, you know, contribute to my
partner a very loving, nurturing, caring person. So I do
plan to give as well, and I just take what.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
Have you given in the past and what have you received?
Speaker 2 (03:55):
I feel like everything I've given loyalty, trustworthy. If a
person need help with something, I would try to tell
I've been a motivator, all types of things. I feel
like in return, I feel like in return, I just
(04:16):
like at the end of each situation, I feel depleted.
I don't feel like I was given anything. I feel
like I was probably begging most of the time, or
a person make it seem like what I'm asking for
is too much.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
M h So why did you give so much in
hopes that I would get Yeah? So your relationships are transactional.
You're dealing with transactional relationships. You give me this, I'll
give you that. If I give you this, you should
give me that. Transactional relationships never work and the giver
(04:52):
always receives less. Always, And at the core, at the
core of a transactional relationship, there is a kootie. You
know what a kootie is? No, a cootie is like
a little bug, a little thing that eats away in something.
Cooties the nasty You know what is at the kootie
(05:17):
at the core of a transactional relationship? Want me to
tell you what it is? Yes, the belief that you
can't have what you want.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
That sounds about right.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
There's a belief there, Uh huh. You can't have what
you want. Now, you keep trying to disprove it, but
you will never live beyond your belief. And if you
believe that you can't have what you want, you will
never have it. You'll keep getting evidence to prove that
your belief is right. It leads to this kind of
(05:53):
cat and mouse game. I can't have what I want.
Oh but that looks like what I want, so let
me get that. But the belief is operating, I can't
have what I want. So you'll continue to attract things
and people that aren't what you want because you know
what we want more than anything else, we want to
be right. And so you have a belief that is
(06:14):
I can't have what I want. I want to be
right about that, so I'll keep attracting evidence to make
me write about the belief. You got to heal up
the belief.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
So what do I need to do to reverse that
thought process?
Speaker 1 (06:25):
So you know, there's a very powerful way to dismantle
belief systems, and that's really to dump the consciousness of
where the belief originated. So this probably originated in your childhood.
And the way you can get in touch with that
(06:46):
is by writing with your non dominant hand. So are
you right handed or left handed? I'm right handed, okay,
So that means with your left hand you would have
to write. What I believe about relationship is what I
believe about having a relationship in my life. What I
(07:06):
believe about being loved by someone is all of that stuff,
But you write it with your left hand, not with
your right hand, because the left hand, the non dominant hand,
will dump your subconscious mind and bring up all of
those feelings and it's hard to do. It's hard, you know,
to write with your left hand. It's gonna be all
(07:28):
over the paper and it's gonna look real crazy, but
you're gonna tap into what the kootie up under there,
because there's some sadness and there's some anger, and there's
some disappointment and loneliness. Yeah, and loneliness, yeah, probably all
the way back to when you were little. And that's
what you've got to uproot. And with your right hand,
(07:52):
you know, you can do some powerful attraction through I
am you know, I am attracting the right partner. I
am attracting a generous partner. I am attracting a committed partner.
I am attracting a loving partner. And you can do
that with your right hand right, Because it's not the man.
There are plenty of men out there, plenty of available men.
(08:14):
And know how I know because I talk to them
all the time. Why can't I find a good woman?
Speaker 2 (08:20):
Really?
Speaker 1 (08:22):
Yeah? What do you believe about good women?
Speaker 2 (08:25):
You know where Philadelphia?
Speaker 1 (08:29):
Oh yeah, I used to live in Philly, West Philly
forty ninth and Pine.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
They there in North Philly.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
Well, North Philly. That's why you can't find nobody go
down to West Philly. No, I'm just scared. I'm just
teasing you. But that's really what it's about. It's about
your relationships have become transactional. You've been giving more than
you're getting because you don't believe you can have what
you want. You don't believe you can have what you want.
(08:56):
So it has to be about you moving into that
belief of I can have what I want. So since
you ain't in a relationship, you got time do the work. Okay, okay, okay,
my darling, thank you for calling.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Thank you for speaking with me today.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
Okay, bye bye. We all have a belief system. The
issue is how do we clean up our belief systems
so that relationships are not such hard work. In my
caller's case, she needs to identify the times that she
(09:35):
didn't get what she wanted. Then over time she started
to believe this pattern and live this pattern, and she
believes this is just how things are going to be
for her, and then she'll attract people who cannot will
not do not give her what she wants and keep
the cycle going. My lord, that's why you us do
(10:00):
the work to identify your patterns and then dismantle them
by creating a new pattern. After the break, we'll come
back with my second caller, who has a similar issue,
but for a very different reason. Welcome back to the
(10:27):
R Spot today. We're talking about dismantling your false belief systems. Now,
this whole notion of unworthiness and not being able to
have what it is we say we want shows up
in a variety way. Some of them are very clever,
because you know, we are brilliant when it comes to
covering up our core issues. Okay, we'll never go around
(10:49):
saying I'm unworthy and I can't have what we want,
But what we will do is create all kinds of story,
all kinds of drama, and all kinds of bad behavior
that the ego then uses to reinforce the belief that
I'm unworthy of having what I want. One of the
ways we do that is serial dating. My next guest
(11:11):
is a classic example. Good afternoon, beloved, Welcome to the
R Spot. And what is a challenge issue dilemma that
you're bringing to the table. For us to nibble on today.
Speaker 3 (11:27):
I'll good afternoon, Queen Yanna, thank you so much for
having me.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
How are you?
Speaker 3 (11:33):
I am blessed and so blessed and here your bofe.
I went to see you when you came to stocks
and I don't want to ramble, but I just love
you so much and I've been following you for years
and I'm so honored to be able to bring my issue,
relationship issue to you.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
Okay, you got a relationship issue, do you?
Speaker 3 (11:51):
The issue I have is I have trouble building lasting
relationships because of trust issues in the past and relationship
where I felt like I gave one hundred percent and
was heard and cheated on and lied too, and it
just has kind of given me. I kind of am
like a serial dater. I love dating, but as soon
(12:13):
as I see anything that looks like it's not right,
I run. And I'm trying to get to a point
where I recognize, you know, normal things that you should
expect and just I don't know, it's just that's where
I'm struggling at the trust and relinquishing the control of
out of fear of being hurt.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
Oh yeah, did you see the movie The matrix.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
I did.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Okay? Did you like him?
Speaker 3 (12:41):
I did.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Do you remember that whenever Neo went out to do
something in the world, to fight Jones, or to go
visit the Oracle or anything, that he was strapped into
the chair? Yes, okay, So that meant that everything that
we were seeing, everything that he went through, what's going
on in his mind because he was strapped into the chair.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
Oh I'm strapped into the chair.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
Yeah, you strapped into the chair, baby, making up all
kinds of stuff. And do you remember that Morpheus said
to Neo, do you want the red pill or the
blue pill?
Speaker 3 (13:21):
Or the blue pill?
Speaker 1 (13:23):
The blue pill will keep you exactly where you are, doing,
exactly what you're doing. That's the blue pill. And the
red pill is going to catapult you out of the
matrix into a whole nother way of being. All right,
Do you want the blue pill or the red pill?
Speaker 3 (13:38):
A red pill?
Speaker 1 (13:40):
You sure? Okay? Red says, give me the real truth,
the hardcore, rot, gut, cold water in my face, slapped
me up inside the head truth. That's the red pill.
You want that one? Yeah, okay, I do. Someplace deep
in your being is the belief that you can't have
(14:04):
what you want.
Speaker 3 (14:06):
That's true.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
So you brilliantly, brilliantly set yourself up to be in
situations that will give you evidence that you can't have
what you want. It's just as simple. Wow. And you
cannot live beyond your beliefs. So what you will do
(14:30):
is tirelessly, relentlessly and unconsciously put yourselves in situations or
with people, or under circumstances where you can't have what
you want. And the minute there's a eoda of what
looks like, smells like, tastes like you can't have it,
you blame them.
Speaker 3 (14:54):
That's true.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
They can gonna give me what I want. They're gonna
hurt me, they're gonna leave me. But but boy, so
let me go all all the way back. Let me
go back to the root and the car.
Speaker 3 (15:03):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
Okay, okay, who left you, mommy, daddy, Grandma? Who left you.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
Daddy?
Speaker 1 (15:12):
Yeah? Okay, that's number one. And what was the script
or the conversation I'm talking young, I'm talking three four
or five secs with the caregivers about you having what
you want. It could have been we can't afford it,
that's too much, you can't have it. What was that
(15:32):
conversation what was that script that was implanted in your consciousness?
Speaker 3 (15:38):
Then I'm gonna say it's a little bit of both.
So at the time, my biological father was deceased as
I was three, So I was raised by my mom
in a single parent home, and I had a brother,
and I always felt like the bad kid. Even though
I didn't do necessarily the bad things, regular mischievous things.
(16:02):
I kind of always had the title of the bad kid.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
You know, period period right there, Yeah, right there, I
was the bad kid. Now do bad kids get punished?
Do bad kids get in your experience? What happened to
bad kids?
Speaker 3 (16:19):
I was always expected to mess up, and so I
did most of the time.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
Mm hmmm, because you will live up to the expectations.
Speaker 3 (16:28):
I did. But years later, you know, my real dad,
who is alive. That's his character. He's slick, he's street,
he's cunning, he's that. And so that was kind of
at the time. I didn't realize that I was wearing that,
because when my mom saw me, she saw my dad
and she said, without saying it, she was thinking it,
she's like him now. And so I lived up to that,
(16:52):
you know, I lived up to it. Yeah, years later,
when I was forty seven, I realized my dad was
alive and that it just was a untruth or secret
that kind of was kept. So anyway, Yeah, I always
felt like that that I couldn't do anything right, or
I'm going to make a mistake, or I'm walking kind
(17:13):
of on a tight rope and my happiness is short
term because I'm going to mess something up.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
So knowing all of that, why in the world are
you calling me? You just laid it right out.
Speaker 3 (17:29):
It's something about a yama.
Speaker 1 (17:33):
So let me give you a prescription. Because it's not
that you don't trust people, it's that you don't trust
yourself because you are bad. Yeah, you don't trust yourself
because people have secrets and you don't know what they are.
Speaker 2 (17:49):
Right.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
You don't trust yourself because people are dishonest and you
can't figure that out. Yeah, okay, yes, and well you
don't have no time to waste. My producer said, you're
fifty two, so we got to get this resolved. Okay,
I don't have you've been doing this a long long time. Yes,
(18:14):
after this break, we're going to talk about how to
heal that inner child and break the pattern of the
people that you are attracting. Welcome back to the R
(18:35):
spot where we're talking about dismantling relationship belief systems and
healing your inner child, who will run your life if
you let it. Let's get back to the conversation. So
I heard you say something about three. At three years old,
you were told that your daddy was deceased. Is that accurate?
Speaker 3 (18:57):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (18:58):
Do you have a picture of yourself at three or
around that age?
Speaker 3 (19:02):
Yes? I do.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
I want you to get that picture. I want you
to put it in a put it in a nice frame.
Go to the Dollar Tree. You can get a nice
frame from the Dollar Tree, or if you feel extravagant,
go to Michael's. They have them on sale. Okay, put
that picture in a nice, beautiful frame. Because I want
you to teach that little girl that she can trust you.
(19:25):
She's still in there, okay, and she's got all the
information from the five year old, a nine year old,
the thirteen year old. Because I can imagine eleven to
thirteen was a rough time for you, because that's when
all your badness was showing. It was Yeah, I know,
because you're growing into your own you want to become independent,
and you're thinking it out. Those are rough ages for girls.
(19:48):
Your body's changing, everything's changing. When did you become sexually active?
How old were you?
Speaker 3 (19:53):
Oh? My god, fifteen? I was a team mom.
Speaker 1 (19:57):
Okay, oh you messed up again, didn't you?
Speaker 2 (20:00):
I did?
Speaker 3 (20:01):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (20:01):
Yeah, yeah, Bless your heart, baby, you've been through a lot. Oh,
get that fifteen year old if you've got a picture
of her thirteen fourteen, fifteen, So you can get the
picture of the little one and the picture of eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen,
somewhere in there. Put those pictures in a very prominent
place where you can see them. But here is the
(20:23):
work that I want you to do. This is a
very deep and sacred work. Okay, and it was developed
by a psychologist in Hawaii who worked with the criminally insane. Okay,
now you're not criminally insane, but the process works.
Speaker 3 (20:38):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
What's criminal is the belief that you can't have what
you want. That is your punishment for being bad. Ok
You can't trust yourself because you're dishonest and you're slick
in your cunning, and you're gonna mess it up sooner
or later. Yes, So the trust issue is with yourself. So, beloved,
(21:01):
there's something that I think would be very helpful for you. Okay,
it's called the whole process. That's h o O p
O n O p O n O whole process. So
I want to speak to your little three year old
(21:22):
that are lodge deep in your subconscious mind. I want
to speak to them right now. Okay, see feel imagine
that that three year old, that four year old, five
year old you are right there present with you. Take
a breath and just remember what you look like, what
your hair looked like, what your body look like, what
your legs look like. Can you see that or feel
(21:46):
that or imagine it? Yep? Yeah. So I want to
say to you little Rochelle, I love you. I love you,
and I'm speaking for the big you. I'm speaking for
the fifty two year old Rochelle who knows all that
(22:08):
you've been through. I love you, and I am so
so sorry that you've been taught that you're bad. Please
forgive whoever taught you that. Literal Rochelle. She is so
so so sorry that you've been taught that you can't
(22:31):
trust yourself, you can't trust your thoughts, you can't trust
your feelings. But most of all, she is so so
sorry that you've been taught that you can't have what
you want. Please forgive whoever taught you that. Thank you
for being committed to your healing. Thank you, liter Rochelle.
(22:57):
I'm speaking for the big Rochelle who knows you and
loves you, and she wants you to know that she
is so so sorry that the big people that you trusted,
the big people that you depended on, were dishonest and
made you believe that you too were dishonest. She wants
you to forgive them right now so that you and
(23:21):
her can heal. And she says, thank you for being
committed to your healing. Take a breath, tell me what
you're feeling right now, Rede Yeah.
Speaker 3 (23:41):
Three, yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
Your work is to work with those two pictures of yourself,
the little girl and the teenager, the teen mom, and
to every day for a couple of days, just sit
with them, and here's the statements. I love you, I
am so sorry that. And then you talk about whatever
(24:06):
it is. You talk about what you believe and what
you thought, what you were told. Please forgive them, for
they know not what they do. Thank you. Those are
the only four statements that you have to make, and
you'll know whether you're talking to the little one, whether
you're talking to the big one, because you have to
(24:28):
teach those parts of yourself that they can trust you
and that you can trust yourself. And as you free
them up from the past, you'll free yourself up from
the past, because all you're doing is living an ingrained pattern.
That's all. You can even go online and look up
the whole process and it'll give you four statements. Work
(24:53):
with them, let's say, over the course of the next month,
and things will start coming up. You'll start remembering things.
It's not you at fifty two, it's those little people,
so that you can clear this out of your body
and your system. Does that sound doable.
Speaker 3 (25:09):
My love, It definitely sounds doable. Oh my god, yes
it does.
Speaker 1 (25:17):
So your assignment is to go to the Dollar Tree
or Michael's. I'm not advertising for either of those two businesses. Okay,
get those picture frames and put those two little ones
in a prominent place, and every day for the next
month or longer if you need to. I like to
work with forty two days because they say it takes
forty days to break a habit and two days to
(25:39):
instill a new one. Okay, the first forty days, you're
breaking the habit of thinking you're bad, you're wrong, you're slick,
you're cunning, you're gonna mess up, you can't do it right.
And then the next two days you're gonna be establishing
the new habit of seeing yourself and those little people
within you in a new way. Yeah. Yeah, and for
the time being, And don't date nobody because you're a
(26:01):
mess right now.
Speaker 3 (26:03):
I am, I am, I agree, Do.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
Not date nothing. Get you some popcorn and watch TV. Okay,
give yourself a chance to heal. And when you hang
up this phone, you know what I want you to do.
Go somewhere in the corner and weep, just weep for
those broken little girls that you've been carrying around in
and out of dates.
Speaker 3 (26:30):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
Okay, yeah, or you got forty two days, so give
me a call in about sixty days and let me
know how you're doing. Okay. I will thank you for calling, beloved.
Now go in the corner and weep. That's your assignment.
Speaker 3 (26:46):
I will.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
Okay, Bye bye, Thank you so much, Bye bye bye.
It's just the fact of life that the experiences we
have as children, the experiences we have with the big
people the caregivers are siblings, other children in the neighborhood.
(27:09):
These experiences teach us how to navigate relationships. We learn
from the people in our lives, we emulate and recreate
those dynamics and their relationships in our relationships. We can
even learn about relationships from the people who are not
(27:32):
in our lives. And if we develop patterns and beliefs
about abandonment, rejection, or insecurity, we're going to live them
out until we change them. There are ways to dissolve
these belief systems and behavior patterns, and it's important to
(27:52):
do the work as soon as you can to identify
your issue, because you'll never have a healthy relationship or
attract the people you want in your life if you
believe you can't do it, if you believe you're not
worthy of it, if you believe it will never happen
for you or this is a good one. Very often
(28:15):
in our relationship, instead of running toward what we want,
we run away from what we don't want and in
the process recreate the pattern. Now, these belief systems as
it relates to relationship, these are hard patterns to break,
but you can do it. You can move forward, you
(28:37):
can heal. You can change and it doesn't matter what
age you are now. I hope this has been helpful
to someone, and if you have a question about this
or any other relationship issue, you can call me live
at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven six
eight now be sure to follow me on social media
(29:00):
for all of the calling times, and until then, stay
in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a
production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more
podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
(29:23):
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
I am a yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher
for salm, and a soft place to fall for others.
And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
I love myself enough to be able to share my
love with other people. Welcome to the r Spot, a
production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Everyone has
(00:40):
their own BS, their own belief system, and everyone believes
things about the world based on that BS, that belief system.
It's a survival mechanism or a way of understanding the
world around us and our experiences. If you were bitten
(01:01):
by a dog at a young age, you might believe
that all dogs will bite you, that dogs are scary
and dangerous. If you've ever had a car accident, maybe
you are afraid to drive. Anything and everything we experience
can push the triggers of our belief systems in one
(01:21):
way or another, and that also applies to relationships. People
who have dealt with abandonment will attract those who abandon them,
people who have dealt with rejection will attract those who
reject them. And others who believe they don't deserve love,
can't have love, won't ever get love will attract people
(01:44):
who cannot give them the love that they want or need.
It's a catch twenty two. So how do you fix that?
How do you heal those issues? Well, we're gonna learn
about that today. Let's say hello to our first caller.
(02:05):
Good afternoon, beloved, welcome to the art spot. How can
I support you today?
Speaker 2 (02:11):
First, I want to say I love you. I've been
listening to you for years. I wish you could be
like my personal therapist. I really wish.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
No, I'm not a therapist, so we would be in
a lot of trouble.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
I know, I know, but your insight is just amazing.
Speaker 3 (02:28):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
What kind of insight can I support you with? Today?
Speaker 2 (02:33):
So basically, I truly desire to have a committed relationship.
I want to be married. I would like to have
another child. But it's like all of the men that
I come across, it's like they all just want, you know,
to deal with multiple women. They don't want to commit,
or they act like they do at the beginning just
to give what they want and then they disappear. So
(02:56):
I'm kind of just like losing hope for anything serious.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
I don't know who do me either? Oh my God
me either, honey, and you a lot younger than I am.
So the people my age ain't got no teething on
all kinds of medication and pieces and parts ain't working.
So we just out here together. What else gonna do?
(03:20):
What else gonna do? Right, Well, I'm gonna go right
to the core. Why do you want to be in relationship?
Speaker 2 (03:28):
That's a great question. I feel like I would be
happy if I had a family to care for. That
would just make me happy.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
So you want to be in relationship for what it
will bring to you?
Speaker 2 (03:43):
Well, I also want to, you know, contribute to my
partner a very loving, nurturing, caring person. So I do
plan to give as well, and I just take what.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
Have you given in the past and what have you received?
Speaker 2 (03:55):
I feel like everything I've given loyalty, trustworthy. If a
person need help with something, I would try to tell
I've been a motivator, all types of things. I feel
like in return, I feel like in return, I just
(04:16):
like at the end of each situation, I feel depleted.
I don't feel like I was given anything. I feel
like I was probably begging most of the time, or
a person make it seem like what I'm asking for
is too much.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
M h So why did you give so much in
hopes that I would get Yeah? So your relationships are transactional.
You're dealing with transactional relationships. You give me this, I'll
give you that. If I give you this, you should
give me that. Transactional relationships never work and the giver
(04:52):
always receives less. Always, And at the core, at the
core of a transactional relationship, there is a kootie. You
know what a kootie is? No, a cootie is like
a little bug, a little thing that eats away in something.
Cooties the nasty You know what is at the kootie
(05:17):
at the core of a transactional relationship? Want me to
tell you what it is? Yes, the belief that you
can't have what you want.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
That sounds about right.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
There's a belief there, Uh huh. You can't have what
you want. Now, you keep trying to disprove it, but
you will never live beyond your belief. And if you
believe that you can't have what you want, you will
never have it. You'll keep getting evidence to prove that
your belief is right. It leads to this kind of
(05:53):
cat and mouse game. I can't have what I want.
Oh but that looks like what I want, so let
me get that. But the belief is operating, I can't
have what I want. So you'll continue to attract things
and people that aren't what you want because you know
what we want more than anything else, we want to
be right. And so you have a belief that is
(06:14):
I can't have what I want. I want to be
right about that, so I'll keep attracting evidence to make
me write about the belief. You got to heal up
the belief.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
So what do I need to do to reverse that
thought process?
Speaker 1 (06:25):
So you know, there's a very powerful way to dismantle
belief systems, and that's really to dump the consciousness of
where the belief originated. So this probably originated in your childhood.
And the way you can get in touch with that
(06:46):
is by writing with your non dominant hand. So are
you right handed or left handed? I'm right handed, okay,
So that means with your left hand you would have
to write. What I believe about relationship is what I
believe about having a relationship in my life. What I
(07:06):
believe about being loved by someone is all of that stuff,
But you write it with your left hand, not with
your right hand, because the left hand, the non dominant hand,
will dump your subconscious mind and bring up all of
those feelings and it's hard to do. It's hard, you know,
to write with your left hand. It's gonna be all
(07:28):
over the paper and it's gonna look real crazy, but
you're gonna tap into what the kootie up under there,
because there's some sadness and there's some anger, and there's
some disappointment and loneliness. Yeah, and loneliness, yeah, probably all
the way back to when you were little. And that's
what you've got to uproot. And with your right hand,
(07:52):
you know, you can do some powerful attraction through I
am you know, I am attracting the right partner. I
am attracting a generous partner. I am attracting a committed partner.
I am attracting a loving partner. And you can do
that with your right hand right, Because it's not the man.
There are plenty of men out there, plenty of available men.
(08:14):
And know how I know because I talk to them
all the time. Why can't I find a good woman?
Speaker 2 (08:20):
Really?
Speaker 1 (08:22):
Yeah? What do you believe about good women?
Speaker 2 (08:25):
You know where Philadelphia?
Speaker 1 (08:29):
Oh yeah, I used to live in Philly, West Philly
forty ninth and Pine.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
They there in North Philly.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
Well, North Philly. That's why you can't find nobody go
down to West Philly. No, I'm just scared. I'm just
teasing you. But that's really what it's about. It's about
your relationships have become transactional. You've been giving more than
you're getting because you don't believe you can have what
you want. You don't believe you can have what you want.
(08:56):
So it has to be about you moving into that
belief of I can have what I want. So since
you ain't in a relationship, you got time do the work. Okay, okay, okay,
my darling, thank you for calling.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Thank you for speaking with me today.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
Okay, bye bye. We all have a belief system. The
issue is how do we clean up our belief systems
so that relationships are not such hard work. In my
caller's case, she needs to identify the times that she
(09:35):
didn't get what she wanted. Then over time she started
to believe this pattern and live this pattern, and she
believes this is just how things are going to be
for her, and then she'll attract people who cannot will
not do not give her what she wants and keep
the cycle going. My lord, that's why you us do
(10:00):
the work to identify your patterns and then dismantle them
by creating a new pattern. After the break, we'll come
back with my second caller, who has a similar issue,
but for a very different reason. Welcome back to the
(10:27):
R Spot today. We're talking about dismantling your false belief systems. Now,
this whole notion of unworthiness and not being able to
have what it is we say we want shows up
in a variety way. Some of them are very clever,
because you know, we are brilliant when it comes to
covering up our core issues. Okay, we'll never go around
(10:49):
saying I'm unworthy and I can't have what we want,
But what we will do is create all kinds of story,
all kinds of drama, and all kinds of bad behavior
that the ego then uses to reinforce the belief that
I'm unworthy of having what I want. One of the
ways we do that is serial dating. My next guest
(11:11):
is a classic example. Good afternoon, beloved, Welcome to the
R Spot. And what is a challenge issue dilemma that
you're bringing to the table. For us to nibble on today.
Speaker 3 (11:27):
I'll good afternoon, Queen Yanna, thank you so much for
having me.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
How are you?
Speaker 3 (11:33):
I am blessed and so blessed and here your bofe.
I went to see you when you came to stocks
and I don't want to ramble, but I just love
you so much and I've been following you for years
and I'm so honored to be able to bring my issue,
relationship issue to you.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
Okay, you got a relationship issue, do you?
Speaker 3 (11:51):
The issue I have is I have trouble building lasting
relationships because of trust issues in the past and relationship
where I felt like I gave one hundred percent and
was heard and cheated on and lied too, and it
just has kind of given me. I kind of am
like a serial dater. I love dating, but as soon
(12:13):
as I see anything that looks like it's not right,
I run. And I'm trying to get to a point
where I recognize, you know, normal things that you should
expect and just I don't know, it's just that's where
I'm struggling at the trust and relinquishing the control of
out of fear of being hurt.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
Oh yeah, did you see the movie The matrix.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
I did.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Okay? Did you like him?
Speaker 3 (12:41):
I did.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Do you remember that whenever Neo went out to do
something in the world, to fight Jones, or to go
visit the Oracle or anything, that he was strapped into
the chair? Yes, okay, So that meant that everything that
we were seeing, everything that he went through, what's going
on in his mind because he was strapped into the chair.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
Oh I'm strapped into the chair.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
Yeah, you strapped into the chair, baby, making up all
kinds of stuff. And do you remember that Morpheus said
to Neo, do you want the red pill or the
blue pill?
Speaker 3 (13:21):
Or the blue pill?
Speaker 1 (13:23):
The blue pill will keep you exactly where you are, doing,
exactly what you're doing. That's the blue pill. And the
red pill is going to catapult you out of the
matrix into a whole nother way of being. All right,
Do you want the blue pill or the red pill?
Speaker 3 (13:38):
A red pill?
Speaker 1 (13:40):
You sure? Okay? Red says, give me the real truth,
the hardcore, rot, gut, cold water in my face, slapped
me up inside the head truth. That's the red pill.
You want that one? Yeah, okay, I do. Someplace deep
in your being is the belief that you can't have
(14:04):
what you want.
Speaker 3 (14:06):
That's true.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
So you brilliantly, brilliantly set yourself up to be in
situations that will give you evidence that you can't have
what you want. It's just as simple. Wow. And you
cannot live beyond your beliefs. So what you will do
(14:30):
is tirelessly, relentlessly and unconsciously put yourselves in situations or
with people, or under circumstances where you can't have what
you want. And the minute there's a eoda of what
looks like, smells like, tastes like you can't have it,
you blame them.
Speaker 3 (14:54):
That's true.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
They can gonna give me what I want. They're gonna
hurt me, they're gonna leave me. But but boy, so
let me go all all the way back. Let me
go back to the root and the car.
Speaker 3 (15:03):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
Okay, okay, who left you, mommy, daddy, Grandma? Who left you.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
Daddy?
Speaker 1 (15:12):
Yeah? Okay, that's number one. And what was the script
or the conversation I'm talking young, I'm talking three four
or five secs with the caregivers about you having what
you want. It could have been we can't afford it,
that's too much, you can't have it. What was that
(15:32):
conversation what was that script that was implanted in your consciousness?
Speaker 3 (15:38):
Then I'm gonna say it's a little bit of both.
So at the time, my biological father was deceased as
I was three, So I was raised by my mom
in a single parent home, and I had a brother,
and I always felt like the bad kid. Even though
I didn't do necessarily the bad things, regular mischievous things.
(16:02):
I kind of always had the title of the bad kid.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
You know, period period right there, Yeah, right there, I
was the bad kid. Now do bad kids get punished?
Do bad kids get in your experience? What happened to
bad kids?
Speaker 3 (16:19):
I was always expected to mess up, and so I
did most of the time.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
Mm hmmm, because you will live up to the expectations.
Speaker 3 (16:28):
I did. But years later, you know, my real dad,
who is alive. That's his character. He's slick, he's street,
he's cunning, he's that. And so that was kind of
at the time. I didn't realize that I was wearing that,
because when my mom saw me, she saw my dad
and she said, without saying it, she was thinking it,
she's like him now. And so I lived up to that,
(16:52):
you know, I lived up to it. Yeah, years later,
when I was forty seven, I realized my dad was
alive and that it just was a untruth or secret
that kind of was kept. So anyway, Yeah, I always
felt like that that I couldn't do anything right, or
I'm going to make a mistake, or I'm walking kind
(17:13):
of on a tight rope and my happiness is short
term because I'm going to mess something up.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
So knowing all of that, why in the world are
you calling me? You just laid it right out.
Speaker 3 (17:29):
It's something about a yama.
Speaker 1 (17:33):
So let me give you a prescription. Because it's not
that you don't trust people, it's that you don't trust
yourself because you are bad. Yeah, you don't trust yourself
because people have secrets and you don't know what they are.
Speaker 2 (17:49):
Right.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
You don't trust yourself because people are dishonest and you
can't figure that out. Yeah, okay, yes, and well you
don't have no time to waste. My producer said, you're
fifty two, so we got to get this resolved. Okay,
I don't have you've been doing this a long long time. Yes,
(18:14):
after this break, we're going to talk about how to
heal that inner child and break the pattern of the
people that you are attracting. Welcome back to the R
(18:35):
spot where we're talking about dismantling relationship belief systems and
healing your inner child, who will run your life if
you let it. Let's get back to the conversation. So
I heard you say something about three. At three years old,
you were told that your daddy was deceased. Is that accurate?
Speaker 3 (18:57):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (18:58):
Do you have a picture of yourself at three or
around that age?
Speaker 3 (19:02):
Yes? I do.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
I want you to get that picture. I want you
to put it in a put it in a nice frame.
Go to the Dollar Tree. You can get a nice
frame from the Dollar Tree, or if you feel extravagant,
go to Michael's. They have them on sale. Okay, put
that picture in a nice, beautiful frame. Because I want
you to teach that little girl that she can trust you.
(19:25):
She's still in there, okay, and she's got all the
information from the five year old, a nine year old,
the thirteen year old. Because I can imagine eleven to
thirteen was a rough time for you, because that's when
all your badness was showing. It was Yeah, I know,
because you're growing into your own you want to become independent,
and you're thinking it out. Those are rough ages for girls.
(19:48):
Your body's changing, everything's changing. When did you become sexually active?
How old were you?
Speaker 3 (19:53):
Oh? My god, fifteen? I was a team mom.
Speaker 1 (19:57):
Okay, oh you messed up again, didn't you?
Speaker 2 (20:00):
I did?
Speaker 3 (20:01):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (20:01):
Yeah, yeah, Bless your heart, baby, you've been through a lot. Oh,
get that fifteen year old if you've got a picture
of her thirteen fourteen, fifteen, So you can get the
picture of the little one and the picture of eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen,
somewhere in there. Put those pictures in a very prominent
place where you can see them. But here is the
(20:23):
work that I want you to do. This is a
very deep and sacred work. Okay, and it was developed
by a psychologist in Hawaii who worked with the criminally insane. Okay,
now you're not criminally insane, but the process works.
Speaker 3 (20:38):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
What's criminal is the belief that you can't have what
you want. That is your punishment for being bad. Ok
You can't trust yourself because you're dishonest and you're slick
in your cunning, and you're gonna mess it up sooner
or later. Yes, So the trust issue is with yourself. So, beloved,
(21:01):
there's something that I think would be very helpful for you. Okay,
it's called the whole process. That's h o O p
O n O p O n O whole process. So
I want to speak to your little three year old
(21:22):
that are lodge deep in your subconscious mind. I want
to speak to them right now. Okay, see feel imagine
that that three year old, that four year old, five
year old you are right there present with you. Take
a breath and just remember what you look like, what
your hair looked like, what your body look like, what
your legs look like. Can you see that or feel
(21:46):
that or imagine it? Yep? Yeah. So I want to
say to you little Rochelle, I love you. I love you,
and I'm speaking for the big you. I'm speaking for
the fifty two year old Rochelle who knows all that
(22:08):
you've been through. I love you, and I am so
so sorry that you've been taught that you're bad. Please
forgive whoever taught you that. Literal Rochelle. She is so
so so sorry that you've been taught that you can't
(22:31):
trust yourself, you can't trust your thoughts, you can't trust
your feelings. But most of all, she is so so
sorry that you've been taught that you can't have what
you want. Please forgive whoever taught you that. Thank you
for being committed to your healing. Thank you, liter Rochelle.
(22:57):
I'm speaking for the big Rochelle who knows you and
loves you, and she wants you to know that she
is so so sorry that the big people that you trusted,
the big people that you depended on, were dishonest and
made you believe that you too were dishonest. She wants
you to forgive them right now so that you and
(23:21):
her can heal. And she says, thank you for being
committed to your healing. Take a breath, tell me what
you're feeling right now, Rede Yeah.
Speaker 3 (23:41):
Three, yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
Your work is to work with those two pictures of yourself,
the little girl and the teenager, the teen mom, and
to every day for a couple of days, just sit
with them, and here's the statements. I love you, I
am so sorry that. And then you talk about whatever
(24:06):
it is. You talk about what you believe and what
you thought, what you were told. Please forgive them, for
they know not what they do. Thank you. Those are
the only four statements that you have to make, and
you'll know whether you're talking to the little one, whether
you're talking to the big one, because you have to
(24:28):
teach those parts of yourself that they can trust you
and that you can trust yourself. And as you free
them up from the past, you'll free yourself up from
the past, because all you're doing is living an ingrained pattern.
That's all. You can even go online and look up
the whole process and it'll give you four statements. Work
(24:53):
with them, let's say, over the course of the next month,
and things will start coming up. You'll start remembering things.
It's not you at fifty two, it's those little people,
so that you can clear this out of your body
and your system. Does that sound doable.
Speaker 3 (25:09):
My love, It definitely sounds doable. Oh my god, yes
it does.
Speaker 1 (25:17):
So your assignment is to go to the Dollar Tree
or Michael's. I'm not advertising for either of those two businesses. Okay,
get those picture frames and put those two little ones
in a prominent place, and every day for the next
month or longer if you need to. I like to
work with forty two days because they say it takes
forty days to break a habit and two days to
(25:39):
instill a new one. Okay, the first forty days, you're
breaking the habit of thinking you're bad, you're wrong, you're slick,
you're cunning, you're gonna mess up, you can't do it right.
And then the next two days you're gonna be establishing
the new habit of seeing yourself and those little people
within you in a new way. Yeah. Yeah, and for
the time being, And don't date nobody because you're a
(26:01):
mess right now.
Speaker 3 (26:03):
I am, I am, I agree, Do.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
Not date nothing. Get you some popcorn and watch TV. Okay,
give yourself a chance to heal. And when you hang
up this phone, you know what I want you to do.
Go somewhere in the corner and weep, just weep for
those broken little girls that you've been carrying around in
and out of dates.
Speaker 3 (26:30):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
Okay, yeah, or you got forty two days, so give
me a call in about sixty days and let me
know how you're doing. Okay. I will thank you for calling, beloved.
Now go in the corner and weep. That's your assignment.
Speaker 3 (26:46):
I will.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
Okay, Bye bye, Thank you so much, Bye bye bye.
It's just the fact of life that the experiences we
have as children, the experiences we have with the big
people the caregivers are siblings, other children in the neighborhood.
(27:09):
These experiences teach us how to navigate relationships. We learn
from the people in our lives, we emulate and recreate
those dynamics and their relationships in our relationships. We can
even learn about relationships from the people who are not
(27:32):
in our lives. And if we develop patterns and beliefs
about abandonment, rejection, or insecurity, we're going to live them
out until we change them. There are ways to dissolve
these belief systems and behavior patterns, and it's important to
(27:52):
do the work as soon as you can to identify
your issue, because you'll never have a healthy relationship or
attract the people you want in your life if you
believe you can't do it, if you believe you're not
worthy of it, if you believe it will never happen
for you or this is a good one. Very often
(28:15):
in our relationship, instead of running toward what we want,
we run away from what we don't want and in
the process recreate the pattern. Now, these belief systems as
it relates to relationship, these are hard patterns to break,
but you can do it. You can move forward, you
(28:37):
can heal. You can change and it doesn't matter what
age you are now. I hope this has been helpful
to someone, and if you have a question about this
or any other relationship issue, you can call me live
at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven six
eight now be sure to follow me on social media
(29:00):
for all of the calling times, and until then, stay
in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a
production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more
podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
(29:23):
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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