October 16, 2024 • 54 mins
In this episode of the R Spot, Iyanla is back on IG Live! She listens to guests share the hardest relationship lessons they learned and she provides a little wisdom to help them move forward after their breakups!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
art Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
(00:36):
Good afternoon, Good afternoon, Good afternoon, and i am back
again for a live episode of The art Spot, the
place we come to talk about relationships. And I've got
two questions on the floor today. What is the hardest
lesson you have ever learned about relationshiationships? And how did
(01:01):
you learn that lesson? What's the hardest lesson you had
to learn about yourself? About how you do relationships, how
you go into relationships, what's required in the relationship, and
what's the best lesson, the thing that is blessed you
the best? How you behave in relationships, how you leave
a relationship. We want to talk about that right here
(01:23):
live on the our Spot. You can come up on
the screen with me, or you can put it in
the comments and I'll read it. If you've got a question,
I'll answer it. We did this about two weeks ago
and we had just a really, really good time. What
is the hardest lesson you've ever learned in relationships? We
want to know about that here on the our spot,
(01:43):
because this is the place that we come to learn
about all things relationships. All things do we mean only
romantic relationships or all relationships? Well, at the spot we
talk about all relationships. You have to do the work.
Boundaries are important. Absolutely, absolutely, I can't change the other person. Godlee,
(02:05):
who's tried to change somebody in the relationship? And how
do you realize you can't do it? How do I
keep my marriage when my husband got a thirty year
old pregnant? Well, what's more relevant that she's thirty or
that she's pregnant? And how old is your husband? I
don't know how you keep that together? Do you want
(02:26):
to keep it together? What do we do when we
find out that our partner, a husband, particularly a husband
or a wife is cheating. That's another question we want
to deal with right here on the relationship. Letting go
is the hardest thing. Absolutely, letting go is the hardest thing.
Why why is it so hard? Why do we have
(02:47):
such a difficult time saying well, that's done? Next? Because
you're in a place to move forward. Doesn't mean others are.
We can't do the work for others. Okay, I cannot
love someone into loving you. Wow, that's powerful. Thank you
for that, Thank you for that. Boundaries, Boundaries, boundaries, that's
(03:09):
the hardest thing. Now, what do we mean about a boundary?
And how do you make a distinction between a boundary
and a wall? Because some of us we set up walls,
or we set up demands, We set up things that
we absolutely hold and hold the other person to it.
And what do you do when a person doesn't align
with your boundaries? What do you do? Do you just
(03:31):
let the whole relationship go? All right? I know you're
out there, welcome to the r spot. I had to
love my father where he was. Yes, just had that
conversation with somebody. Here's something that I think we need
to own. And I'm just putting this out there. I'm please.
If you're a man and you have a different approach,
a different opinion, I want to hear from you. I
(03:54):
find in relationships in general, in life that men have
a difficult time asking for help, accepting help, or admitting
when they need help. They have a difficult time asking
for help receiving help even when you offer it, or
(04:16):
admitting that they need help, because I think in the
masculine socialization, people come up with asking for help is
weak men men asking for help is weak, or maybe
they ask for help and we're considered weak. I don't know.
If you're a man, come talk to me and let's
(04:37):
forget this thing out. I have to give my person
grace I expect for them. You have to give someone
the same amount of grace or the same amount of compassion,
because we don't really have grace. We can't give grace.
Only God can give grace. Communicate is literally everything. It
will make or break. What do you mean by communicate?
(04:58):
What do you mean by that? Because your definition of
communication may be very very different in someone else's definition
of communication. Blessings to it afternoon. I learned being with
my wife twenty seven years. I realized they are different
versions of her I have met, and I'm so happy
(05:18):
we had those hard days to make these great days
ahead as you grow. I love that. Thank you twenty
seven years. Different aspects of her, and just know this,
there are different aspects of you too. You can help
a narcissist change. That's a statement. If I'm not happy
after trying everything to make it work, it's okay to leave.
(05:41):
I have to stop saying so long, knowing it's not
working and not going to work. When is enough enough?
That's the question? When is enough enough? That's another question.
We can put that on the board. When is enough enough?
Relationships is about production? What are we producing? I can
(06:05):
hear that, So let me ask you a question. Relationships
are about production. What's the distinction between production and transactions?
Because so very often we get into these transactional relationships accountability. Listen,
y'all can't give me these one word answers. What's the
hardest thing you've learned in relationship accountability? Who's yours? Theirs?
(06:29):
How you hold somebody accountable? The hardest lesson was what
I allow will continue? That's a good one. The hardest
lesson is what I allow will continue? We got a
question here, delete report. Let me just see what if
I have everything in my relationship except the sex? What
(06:52):
about it? Whoo? You know they say that sex is
only ten percent of a relationship, but it's very important
ten percent. So let me ask you, are you willing
to live the rest of your life in this relationship
with things exactly as they are? Are you willing to
do that? So if you're not, then you've got a
(07:14):
choice to make. How long do you keep a relationship
that you know has an expectation date to it romantic
or friendship? I think you mean expiration and expiration date?
How long do you keep a relationship?
Speaker 2 (07:33):
How are you my love?
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Yeah, you got a question you want to bring to
the R spot today.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
I just wanted to share that.
Speaker 3 (07:42):
You know, I think one of the greatest lessons I
learned is to love myself and I know that I'm
always my first priority. And I so a couple of
years years ago, I was in like a situationship with
this man, well I didn't know at the time, had
(08:04):
a whole fiance.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
She actually ended up marrying him.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
I'm a girl's girl, so I did disclose to her
what was going on, and she ended up marrying him,
and he unfortunately left her for another one of his
several mistresses. I just recently learned that he gave me HPV,
so kind of navigating that, but you know, it is
(08:29):
what it is.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
But it happened.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
And I'm a writer, I'm a mental health clinician, so
I think with that, I have been trying to like
find the love for him and recognize that he was
so deeply hurt, and I saw that when we were together,
and he was so guarded. So I think it just
really speaks to what you shared about that masculine energy
(08:55):
and how there's so much trauma there and so much
difficulty with putting up those walls and not allowing themselves
to be vulnerable and to heal.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
And I can see that in him.
Speaker 3 (09:09):
Will I ever be with him again, Probably not, but
I can love him from a distance.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
Now. You said that you were in a relationship with
a man who had a fiance that you didn't know about.
When you found about the fiance, you spoke to her
to let her know about your presence. Is that accurate?
Speaker 3 (09:29):
That's well I sent her a Facebook message.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Yes, that's accurate, And what was your intention in sending
her that message?
Speaker 3 (09:39):
So I thought about it for I don't know, probably
a couple of weeks, talked with my friends, and I
just thought if I was in that situation, if I
was on the other side of it, I wouldn't want
to know what was going on. I tried to be
as thoughtful as I could I was like, look, you
can be mad at me. I I have information you
(10:01):
don't want to hear, and I hate that I have
to tell you this. I stopped all contact with him
after I've found out, and I let her know that too.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
Did you tell him that you were going to tell her? No?
Speaker 3 (10:14):
I did ask him if she knew okay, and he yeah, okay.
Because I wasn't sure if it was an open relationship
to you, you know, I was like, I don't. I
don't know if that's what's going on, but if it is,
you know, please make sure you all are transparent.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
With hows.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
What did you learn about yourself in that relationship? Oh?
Speaker 2 (10:38):
Too many things. I learned that I am.
Speaker 3 (10:43):
I learned that at that time in my life, I
was looking for someone else to save me, do save
me from the hurt and the pain that I had experienced.
I learned that I was to trusting, and I think
it's important to trust and I can give. I have
(11:06):
another friend. We're like the Three Musketeers. We were all
working at the same agency. The woman that introduced me
to you, that told me, Emily, protect your heart, and
I do live with a big heart.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
I've always been that way.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
But I think just like learning to trust my intuition
because there were several red flags.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Okay, that's what I was going to ask you, because
you can't be too trusting about it. You can't be
too trusting. So did you learn did you learn that
you question doubt or don't trust your intuition? Did you
learn that?
Speaker 2 (11:46):
I learned that.
Speaker 3 (11:47):
It took me, now, I will say it took me
a couple other little lessons along the way. But I
think we're at a place where I'm like, no, my
intuition is, I'm getting the feeling, and now I'm that
that is something to be trusted.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
What have you learned or why do you think you
attracted that experience to yourself at this time, at that time?
Speaker 2 (12:09):
It's a great question.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
You got a good answer. I don't know that I do. Well.
What if let's not complicated. What if you attracted that
situation or that experience simply to teach yourself that you
need to or you can trust your intuition? Yes, what if?
Speaker 3 (12:32):
I think that's it?
Speaker 1 (12:34):
And then I heard you say will I ever be
with him again? Probably not? Why is that even on
the table?
Speaker 4 (12:40):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (12:41):
I don't know, Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
I don't think that can even be a consideration.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
Absolutely not. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (12:52):
Yeah, but I will say this though, just because he
is he's a PhD student and he's doing really incredible work.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
He's a black man.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
Doing work.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
Focused on the I don't want to give too many
details because I don't want to be like.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
Well, why why is that any of your business? I
guess it's not my business. I know it's not. You're right,
get out of his business, because it sounds to me.
I could be wrong. I could be very very wrong.
It does not sound to me like you are complete.
(13:31):
You still got some hook, some connection. Maybe it's the
bonding pattern. I don't know, but you know too much
and you're making too many assessments, and you know if
you all are not connected with children or property or whatever.
Bye bye boo.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
Yeah, okay, thank you. You know what I think it is.
Speaker 3 (13:52):
I think because I had you know, I've done a
lot of my own healing and kind of work through.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
It and let it go.
Speaker 3 (13:59):
And and when I went for my paps near I
was trying to use my husband insurance benefits before I left.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
The agency, and just I just moved to.
Speaker 3 (14:10):
A different state, and that's when I found found out
that I had HPV, and I was like, he was
the only sexual partner I had had within the timeframe
of my last paps here, So I think it kind
of research.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
That's where the incompletion is. That's that's it. So they
left the he left the calling card. Now let me
ask you this, what are you learning about yourself and
your relationship to your body as it relates to HPV.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Oh, I don't.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
I don't know yet.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
I'll be very transparent.
Speaker 3 (14:44):
I'm I'm in recovery for anorexia, so there's been a
whole lot.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
Oh. Yeah, it's about you and your body. It's about
you and your body. Absolutely. Well, here's here's what I
can say to you, or what I can what I
would offer you. And thank you for your courage and
being so transparent. Thank you for let me share this. Yeah,
I would really want to invite you to really get
(15:14):
clear about because if the way you he may have
violated your trust and your and your love, you violate yourself. Yeah,
anorexia is definitely a distorted relationship with self. That's what
(15:36):
it is. And I would encourage you that as you
continue to recover from that and you continue to develop
a better relationship with your body that you know the HPV,
you can raise your frequency high enough that it can't
even exist. I would tell you to work with this
(15:56):
to the body, body forgive me. I forgive you body.
Thank you, body, forgive me for the judgments I have
of you, the ways that I've treated you, And I
forgive body, forgive me, and I forgive you body for
(16:21):
taking on my distortions, my judgments. Whatever all is settled
between us, work your body. He is definitely a mirror
reflection of how he would violate you. You have violated yourself.
I'm glad you're in recovery.
Speaker 3 (16:40):
Yes, it's been a long journey, but I would at
this point really would rather just say I'm recovered.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
How about I'm delivered. Delivered is a much Yeah, it's
a much stronger word deliver. And that's probably where that
connection you still have to hear. I don't know if
you're peeking over there, looking or listening or whatever. Take
the focus off of him, put it back on your body.
Put it back on your body. Yeah, yes, man, thank you,
(17:11):
Thank you, am I wish you the best. Thank you,
and tell your friend thank you for introducing us. Oh sure, Well,
Every relationship that you have is a function, a mirror
reflection of the relationship that you're having with yourself. I
don't care who it is, I don't care what it is.
(17:33):
Sometimes these relationships come from past lives. But that's a
whole conversation that we can't have right now. So I
will just say, consider that every relationship you have is
a function of the relationship that you have in with yourself.
Speaker 5 (17:47):
And we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome
back to the R spot.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
Tell me your name, beloved, uh Tawana.
Speaker 6 (18:01):
So, over a decade ago, I was married to my
ex husband. We have a daughter that has autism, so
he couldn't deal with it and he asked for a divorce.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
We got divorced for two reasons.
Speaker 6 (18:18):
One because he couldn't deal with the situation with our daughter.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
And two it was an age.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
What does that mean he couldn't deal with the situation
with our daughter.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
What does that mean he didn't know how to communicate
with her.
Speaker 6 (18:31):
We took I took classes, you know, to learn how
to communicate with her, and she, you know, I got
her device.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
To communicate with other people.
Speaker 6 (18:42):
I started taking her out into the community because I
wanted her to learn how to function. That was one
reason we got a divorce, But the second reason was
it was an age gap. He was thirteen years older
than me, and to me, it made me feel like
he didn't realize that I was growing up. I wasn't
that little girl that canded do on him for everything.
(19:06):
So when he asked for a divorce, I said, Okay,
that's fine. The hurtful partner is I don't understand why
he's angry with me.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
Because I gave him everything he asked for.
Speaker 6 (19:20):
He didn't get custody, but he has nothing to do
with our daughter at all. I wanted to understand why
is he so hurt?
Speaker 1 (19:31):
Why do you care if he's angry? Why do you
need to understand?
Speaker 2 (19:37):
I mean so much that he's angry with me? Is
he deals.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Without Why is that your business?
Speaker 2 (19:45):
Why do you care?
Speaker 6 (19:46):
Well, it's more or less for my daughter's say, because
I really want her to have a relationship with her dad.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
The man who didn't accept her, the man who didn't
do the work to learn how to be in relationship
with his autistic daughter. Is she his only child?
Speaker 2 (20:05):
No, she's not. She's the baby.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
The man who was willing to leave his marriage rather
than adjust himself to the requirements of being a father.
Why do you want him to have a relationship with her?
How old is she now? She's twenty five? Okay, okay.
Does she know him?
Speaker 2 (20:25):
Yeah, she knows him well.
Speaker 4 (20:27):
She is.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
Verbal. She's the severest form of autism.
Speaker 4 (20:32):
It is.
Speaker 6 (20:35):
I guess it's because I feel like sometimes I need
a break.
Speaker 1 (20:39):
Okay, Well that's a different story now, you know, because
you said I want to know why he's mad at me,
that's really not what you want. You want him to
participate in her life as a father, because that's what
you had. That's number one. Number two, you want him
to participate in her life as a parent because that
would give you a break. So let's tell the truth here, Okay,
(21:03):
it don't matter, and beloved, the truth is, that's not
what he's choosing, right and it has nothing to do
with her or you. That's not what he's choosing. So
for you to continue to want that, and for you
to continue to this, you know, yearn for that. When
(21:24):
it's not twenty five years, he hasn't done it. Cut
your losses, because when it comes time for him to
answer for how he lives his life. They're not going
to ask you what do you think about how he
lived his life? God, Source Creator is going to hold
him accountable. You do what you have to do. And
I know as a parent of an autistic child, it's
(21:47):
hard to get child care, it's hard to get you know, trust,
lead the person with somebody that really trusts them. And
it sounds like you've done what you need to do.
But I really want to encourage you to stay up,
go ahead.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
But the good thing is, you know, she we spend
a lot of time together.
Speaker 6 (22:07):
She still lives with me, and we have a beautiful relationship.
I not only see her as my daughter, but I
see her kind of as a little sister, you know.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
And if it wasn't.
Speaker 6 (22:21):
For her, I wouldn't learn how to I wouldn't have
learned how to love differently. Yeah, because that's a different
kind of love. And she taught me a lot, you know.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
And you know, just from a place of compassion, I
asked if she were his only child. You said no.
I can imagine that as a man who doesn't have
the maternal instinct, that there may be a sense of
I don't know this to be true. There may be
a sense of some sort of failure or defeat. That
(22:59):
happens often when parents have a child.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
Sometimes he used to be embossed.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
That's his failing. So would you want your daughter to
be in relationship with a man who's embarrassed of her,
who is unwilling. Yeah, So from a place of compassion
for him, I would really want to encourage you to
take the heat off of requesting, requiring, yearning, desiring that
(23:27):
he'd be anything other than who he is, which is
an absent father.
Speaker 6 (23:33):
And I can accept that because of the simple fact
it's not gonna change how I feel about my baby.
That's my baby, should always be my baby, and I'm
always take care of her until I take my last breath.
Speaker 1 (23:44):
You know, it's just you want for her what you had,
and that may not be on her docket. You want
for her what you had, a loving relationship with a
present father. That was your docket, that was your curriculum.
That's not hers, okay, And so very often as parents
(24:07):
we want that, we want for our children what we
didn't have, but it may not be on their docket.
It may not be in her curriculum. But that's about you.
Let that go, Let that go, let that go. And
I don't even know how to tell you to let
it go. And other than to bless him.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
I pray about it because I'm asking God to help me.
Let it go. Here, here you go.
Speaker 1 (24:28):
Whatever his name is, let's just say his name is
Boo Boo, Boo Boo the fool, but we won't call
him the full part. Okay, Boo Boo. I love you,
and I am so so so sorry that you cannot
be here for your daughter and for any judgments I've
placed on you about that. Please forgive me. Thank you,
(24:50):
Boo Boo. I love you, and I am so so
sorry that you are disappointed in who our daughter is
in any way that I contribut to that. I ask
you to forgive me. Thank you. It's called the hope
of no process where you say I love you. I'm
so sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you
(25:13):
because you do love him. He is a part of
your life.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
I said, you know what I said, thank you. I said,
I love you.
Speaker 6 (25:19):
I said I appreciate the gift that you you gave me,
which is my door, and I'm good with that.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
That's not true, beloved, Please forgive me, Please forgive me, Please,
forgive me, Please forgive me. You're not You're not good
with it. You're not you're not. You here on the
social media asking me to help you figure out why
he's angry. You're not good with it. You're not, and
that's okay. Give yourself permission not to be good with it,
(25:51):
but give yourself permission to to do some other things
that are that will get you through it. Let me
ask your question, since you're divorce, how long you've been divorced? Oh?
But that okay, you gotta you gotta boo. You got
a sweetie? No, okay, you need one. You need a look,
you need a little nookie, I know. Okay, it's hard
(26:17):
and he's out being nookified, getting all the nookie he want.
And there you are with your daughter that you love
and and you know you're a special person because God
doesn't give that responsibility to everybody. So it tells me
you have the heart. It tells me you have the willingness.
But it's hard and he's out getting nookified. You ain't
(26:37):
had no nookie since Jesus loved Chicago. And you're telling
me you are right with it. You ain't alright with it, Okay,
so we need to pray a different prayer. We got
to pray a different prayer. First of all, God, I
need some nookie, okay, I need I need a peace.
I need a peace. Help me, Lord, I need it.
(26:59):
That's number one. Number two, I am open and willing.
I need a companion, a partner, a friend who's willing
to be with me as I give loving care to
my daughter. Listen, totally surrender. Totally surrender, and tell you know,
(27:19):
one of the reasons our prayers don't get answers is
because we don't pray a truth. We don't pray truthfully.
We pray what we think sounds good and right, as
if God's source creator doesn't know the truth. You know
this is hard, baby, You've been doing this for twenty
five years. And I promise you there is a partner
out there. There is an open hearted, God centered, kind,
(27:43):
loving man that will stand with you and that can
be there for your daughter so that she can experience
that balance there is. But you got to get Boo
Boo to fool out your heart, out your mind. You
got your hopes on him to file. Boo Boo is
not gonna show up. No to file, Okay, forgot it.
(28:11):
Pray that prayer. Pray that prayer. Tell God the truth,
Tell him you're tired, Tell him this is hard, Tell
him you need help. Tell him, tell him the truth
and how you feel, and ask for the help that
you really really want. Because boo boo, boo boo. Ain't it? Okay, Yes, ma'am,
thank you for your courage. Good luck to you and
your daughter. Okay, bye bye. Yeah. Listen, beloved, we gotta
(28:37):
pray the truth. Don't try to impress God's source, Creator,
Holy Mother, whoever you praying to with your good, flowery words.
God knows your heart. Pray what you really want. God,
this is terrible, I feel bad whatever, and this is
what I need. I need some nookie and I need
(28:57):
a partner, and I need some help. But if you pray,
Oh God, teach me how she don't forgive it. And
I'm having a hard time with him too. We'll talk
about that when we come back. Welcome back to the
(29:23):
R spot. Good afternoon, my darling.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
Tell me your name Arisa John So.
Speaker 7 (29:29):
About two years ago I got out of a relationship
and he thought and said, my new relationship.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
I believe I manifested the man of my dreams.
Speaker 8 (29:40):
We got together, things were good and also I thought
we ended up having a child. After having my child,
I found out that he stepped out on me during
my pregnancy, and of course our relationship went downhill after that.
Speaker 2 (30:00):
Decided to try to make it work. I told him,
of course, it's going to be hard to rebuild trust
once it's destroyed.
Speaker 8 (30:07):
Long story shorts, and he lacked reassurance.
Speaker 7 (30:11):
Our relationship never got back to where it was. Instead,
it started to demolish it. More recently, we went to
Girl Home My Hand where I met your person.
Speaker 2 (30:23):
I've always known about you all my life.
Speaker 8 (30:26):
But we went to the Girl Hold My Hands and
the Awakening, and I thought that, you know, that would
awaken our relationship.
Speaker 7 (30:32):
Things like that I get us back to where we
need to to have a healthy relationship. Instead, after I
came home, I awakened the enemy and our relationship ended.
Speaker 8 (30:45):
It ended about a month ago, and since our relationship ended, after.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
He moved out, he has not checked on our child.
He became a totally different person.
Speaker 7 (30:57):
So the person I thought I and a totally different
person that it is. And him, now, yeah here you are,
Now how old are you?
Speaker 1 (31:10):
My love with a baby and all your dreams are shattered, right, yeah,
and that makes you sad? Yeah, yes, yeah, So what
is it that you really want to know? What is
(31:33):
it that you really want?
Speaker 7 (31:34):
What is inside of me that keep on attracting people
are not for you?
Speaker 1 (31:41):
Well, he was for you for that time. He was
for you for that time, And maybe what he came
to you for was so that your son. Is it
a son? I don't know why I think that's a son.
Why son could come forward? Maybe that's why he came
(32:03):
to you. But but you said a couple of things
that I just want us to scratch out a little bit. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah,
you said the man of my dreams. I thought I
had found a man of my dreams. What was the dream?
Speaker 2 (32:23):
Somebody that would canted to me, gives me a faction,
give me that, give me that soft life.
Speaker 1 (32:31):
Yeah, and what else?
Speaker 2 (32:34):
Somebody I can trust that's loyal, communicate.
Speaker 1 (32:40):
How About somebody that has a good relationship with themselves
and with the God or their understanding. How About somebody
that has a deep sense of integrity that they won't violate.
How About somebody a man who's accountable to somebody other
than himselves. How about somebody who's ready and willing to
be fully committed to a relationship. Was that a part
(33:03):
of the dream. It was that ain't what you spoke,
and that ain't what you got. So one of two
things happen. Either you didn't speak it clearly, or you
spoke it and didn't believe you could have it. Because
only thing we attract in life are the things that
we believe we deserve. Now that part of us that
(33:25):
believes we deserve it may be unconscious. It may be unconscious,
it may be in the back of your mind. I
want this, I want that, but I don't know if
I could have that. I want this, I want this,
but there ain't no good men out there. I want this,
I want that, but I never had it before. I
want this, I want that. I don't want them to
be like the other one. We have a whole script
(33:45):
running in our subconscious mind that creates the energy that
we attract. You said you went into this relationship after
a very bad relationship. Did you do did you do
complete forgiveness work on the other relationship? Wow? There you go.
So you had you have pollution in your heart. This
(34:08):
is not your fault. I'm not blaming you, but I
want you to understand how this happened. Everything comes in
your life by invitation of the energy that you carry.
I could almost guarantee, I could almost guarantee either mommy,
(34:29):
I mean either daddy or somebody early in your life
betrayed you, They left you, they hurt you early in
your life. Who would that be?
Speaker 7 (34:43):
My dad?
Speaker 1 (34:44):
There you go? Have you forgiven him? That would be
an That would be enough. Let me ask you a question,
because you got a lot, You got a lot going on,
and you are here's my thing for you my life.
(35:04):
You are raising somebody's husband and somebody's father. That that
young man that you're raising, he's going to be somebody's
husband and somebody's father, and he needs you as whole
as possible. Where do you live below? Do you have
(35:25):
somebody that can keep the baby for the weekend?
Speaker 2 (35:28):
Yeah, happened, nanny?
Speaker 1 (35:30):
You do?
Speaker 4 (35:30):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (35:34):
On November second, I want you to come to Maryland.
Let me tell you why. On November second, myself and
one of my faculty members, we are doing a forgiveness
healing session. This ain't play play. This is getting there
and clean this stuff out for the final time. I
(35:57):
want to do that for you, because you're raising somebody
husband and somebody's father, and the sadness and the hurt
that you're carrying is going to impact him. So here's
my deal to you. You're gonna send me an email
customer at a yamla dot com. If you can get
to Maryland. I will gift you the workshop. You got
(36:17):
to get here, though, that'll be your investment. You got
to get here Saturday, November two. I don't care you
can get here by air, aplane, across the water. I
don't care how you get here. I don't care how
you get here. Just get here if you can. If
you can get here, I will gift you the workshop
(36:39):
so that you can be a participant in this healing
forgiveness ceremony. Now she's doing a class online for six weeks,
but I know with the baby, you might not have
the time get to Maryland. Send me an email customer
at yamla dot com. I'm gonna gift you the workshop
to come and do this for given this word clean
(37:01):
off your slate so that you can have a new beginning.
I can't leave you there raising that baby because this
sadness and this belief and this betrayal. It dates all
the way back to your daddy. Yeah. And you know what,
my love, You're not alone. I promise you. There are
(37:24):
hundreds of thousands of other women out there and men.
We never think that men get portrayed and hurt, but
they do. Okay, will you do that? I want you.
I want you to commit to me that you're coming
to Maryland on November two. I want to hear that
comm I'm coming to Maryland on November second. Okay, you
send me the email. We'll give you all the details
(37:46):
about the All of y'all can come if you want to, Okay,
But I'm gifting it to her. I don't want her
money to be a reason. If she can get here,
she can have the workshop. Okay. And in the meantime,
here's your assignment. In the meantime until you get to
me in Maryland on November two, every time you think
of something that hurts you, write it down on a
(38:08):
piece of paper and bring me the whole pad, the
whole book when you come. Okay, this hurt me, that
hurt me, He hurt me. Blah blah blah. Because what
you got going on is too much to unpack. Right here,
we don't have to deal. Let's clean it up, let's
heal it, let's eliminate it. You willing, Sam. Okay, somebody
(38:29):
said that you can stay with them in Maryland. Listen,
you can come in Saturday morning, leave out Saturday night.
There's a little hotel nearby. We'll give you all the details. Okay,
that's my gift to you. That's my gift to you.
Write me customer at a yamla dot com.
Speaker 2 (38:46):
So right now, all.
Speaker 1 (38:48):
Right, because I'm gonna make sure you raise a good
father and a good husband. Okay, love you baby, Thank
you for writing me. Thank you. Yeah, listen, put that
on the calendar your November two in Maryland, I'm doing
a forgiveness healing. It's a healing session Saturday, November second.
(39:09):
You can write me at Iyamla at yamla dot com,
customer at yonmla dot com. We can send you all
the details. I believe it's up on the workshop. Myself
and Kim Kennedy, who is a radical forgiveness Master. She's
a radical forgiveness Master. Sandy, I'm accepting your invitation. She's
a radical forgiveness Master. We are doing a forgiveness healing
(39:35):
ceremony ritual. Now, if you want to take the class
Radical Forgiveness, it just started. It's a six week class.
You don't have to take the class to come to
the workshop. But if you take the class and then
come to the workshop, baby, you're gonna have it going on, okay,
because forgiveness is the ticket. That's it. Forgiveness is everything,
(39:57):
right now?
Speaker 2 (39:58):
Ray or I yeah, you got it right, it's real.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
Or what would you like to bring to the table
to the art spot today?
Speaker 4 (40:05):
A little bit similar to the previous lady, I'm you're
coming out of a nine year relationship nine years with
nine years, yes, ma'am, with a guy you know, and uh,
you know, we came together. It's what I guess. This
is what they call like our traumas came together and
(40:26):
so it was a trauma relationship, and so it was.
Speaker 1 (40:30):
A wound ship. Those are called wound ships where your
bonding patterns brought you all together in order to heal.
But if you didn't heal the bonding patterns and release them,
it's not good. Yeah, I'm sorry.
Speaker 4 (40:45):
Yeah, And I mean I learned so much about myself.
Speaker 1 (40:49):
Tell me, tell me, tell me what you learned?
Speaker 4 (40:52):
You know, a lot of stuff stems from our parents.
You know my parents, you know, they split, you know,
when we were young. But I learned that I have
a lot of passive aggressiveness characteristic and I'm one that
I shut down when somebody when I feel threatened, and
(41:12):
you know I will. I'm a runner too, I run
and I you know, I'm that kind of person avoidance. Yeah,
I have that avoidance personality.
Speaker 1 (41:24):
What what bonded you? What?
Speaker 4 (41:32):
I guess I just needed somebody. I need a stability.
I was very unstable and he was kind of the
rock you know that I needed. But I guess with
that because he was now he's nine years older than me,
and so with that, I guess I don't know if
it's just because of the age difference, but there was
(41:54):
a lot of manipulation and and uh, you know he
was very controlling.
Speaker 1 (42:02):
Well, you wanted stability. You wanted stability, and in order
to have what would feel stable to you, you needed
to be turned and twisted because you were unstable. I
want you to understand how you're speaking, in your thinking
created your experience. I was unstable. So if something is unstable,
(42:23):
if the boat is rocking or the thing you got
to stabilize it and control it. So you got exactly
what you asked for.
Speaker 4 (42:33):
Yeah, and I see that I got what I needed.
Speaker 1 (42:36):
Well, you got what you requested, not what you needed.
What you needed was self discipline and self love.
Speaker 4 (42:42):
Exact exactly, yes, ma'am. And you know I've been on
the on this journey even before I met him. I
was on a personal development path and you know I
found a secret you know, and the law of attraction
before I met him, And you know, I had did
a little bit of work to try to you know,
(43:04):
come back to love. But you know it was rough.
Speaker 1 (43:09):
It was rough. So you walked out of that relationship
knowing what, feeling what, believing what. I walked out of
that relationship knowing.
Speaker 4 (43:20):
Knowing that I am capable of loving myself and I
don't need anybody to bring stability in my life. I
can be stable in myself. I'm still working on being stable,
but you know I have learned. I am learning that
I have the ability to be and I don't need
(43:41):
anybody else for that.
Speaker 1 (43:43):
Was your childhood unstable with the parents breaking up.
Speaker 4 (43:47):
Uh well, military, so we moved around a lot.
Speaker 1 (43:51):
Okay, So that's instability, not bad. No, no heat, no judgment,
not bad, but you had a feeling I'm going to
say of instability, and I could be very wrong. You
don't have to wear it if it doesn't apply. Of
not being safe, well.
Speaker 4 (44:07):
I guess a little bit because of the my environment.
I was in an environment where, like I was bullied
a lot growing.
Speaker 1 (44:16):
Okay, okay, So all right, you walked out of that
relationship knowing that you don't need anyone else to establish
your stability, that you can do it for yourself. You
walked out of that relationship feeling what.
Speaker 4 (44:34):
Stronger, gosh, stronger, definitely stronger and capable, you know, a
resilient you know, because we separated, you know several times,
but I would we would come back because.
Speaker 1 (44:52):
You weren't complete exactly.
Speaker 4 (44:55):
That's a complete, that's a good word, okay, feeling complete.
I came out feeling and like, this relationship is completely finished.
You know that I'm completely moved on from it.
Speaker 1 (45:08):
Okay. So you walked out of that relationship knowing you
don't need anybody to establish your stability. You walked out
of that relationship feeling complete, feeling stronger. Now you walked
out of that relationship, and now you want what.
Speaker 4 (45:29):
That's a good, good question, Well.
Speaker 1 (45:31):
Don't you don't have to answer it. Don't force the answer.
Don't force the answer because that's still open. But that's
that's a place that you want to investigate so that
you don't Anything that's incomplete from that relationship doesn't show
up in the next one. You may feel complete, but
if you're you know, if you I walked out of
(45:52):
that relationship needing more confidence in myself, needing more uh,
you know, a deeper relationship with God, out of that relationship,
needing a clearer vision about what I want in a partner. Whatever.
Don't force it, but investigate it. But I want to
encourage you and not you know, this is just showing up.
Speaker 3 (46:11):
You know.
Speaker 1 (46:12):
Every Thursday we have the Invisible Ach Men's book Club.
I don't need it anymore. It's where men come together
and they're walking through various texts. If you're really on
that personal development path and you really need some help,
here's something. Because I know men don't like to ask
for help, they don't like to accept help, they don't
(46:33):
like to admit they need help. You need help, go
to the book club Thursday night. It's twenty nine dollars
a month, and the coach there, Robert Pruett. You don't
care if you black, white, straight, gray, green, as long
as you're living, you know. But you hear other men
(46:55):
and how they You'll walk through these various books together
and you learn. Robert helps you apply it to your life.
So that's the things that you missed. I love you,
and I'm a mother you and teach you. But there's
some places where men have to mother each other. There
are millions of places. I'm just telling you about the
one I got, which is the book club. Go to
(47:17):
eyamla dot com and look that up. So ultimately, after
all of this, what was your question?
Speaker 4 (47:28):
Well, I I didn't have a question. I just kind
of just seen the life and I just follow you
and I just love you, and so I was like,
let me talk on and see you know what it is.
And so I guess if I did have a question,
I guess it would be like, how how long do
(47:50):
you think it would take? Because I know I'm not
completely healed from a relationship, because I mean it's only
been a month, so you ain't.
Speaker 1 (47:57):
Even how did the relationship yet You're not You're not
even out a month you're not out give yourself at
least nine months. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (48:07):
I mean we communicate, and I mean there's there as
there's some tension and everything. But you know, I think
I'm wondering. Okay, So here's a question. I'm wondering about
a friendship after marriage with the with the person because
I don't I'm wondering if that's something that is healthy
(48:28):
or is it not healthy to try to maintain some
kind of relationship with the person.
Speaker 1 (48:33):
Well, you know, me and my ex husband when we
were married twice, ours was a forty year relationship and
we are great friends now. We don't hate Thanksgiving dinner together,
we don't go shopping together. I never forget his birthday,
he never forgets mine. If something goes on with his children,
(48:54):
you know who were basically you know, he had children
before we got to get other. I know about it.
I have a relationship with some of his children that
are separate and apart from my relationship with him. He
has a relationship with my son that's separate and apart
from his relationship with me. So what am I saying?
First of all, you need time to develop the new normal.
(49:18):
You can't come out of a marriage a love ship
a wound ship, and then expect you all are going
to be friends, because it's really the time of part
that will bring to the surface the things that were unresolved,
the things that were revealed, the things that you came
together to heal. You can't do that a month out
a month out. It just needs to be Hey, how
(49:39):
you doing. You know, as jacked up as it is,
I miss you, but I'm wishing you the best and
moving forward. Don't act like you don't miss it. Don't
act like there's a don't act like, right down between
your little toe and the other toe right there, there's
a spot that still wants it. That's okay, yeah, yeah.
So the thing is this nine months or this healing period,
(50:03):
it's to eliminate that spot that still wants it. That
sucker has got to be eliminated. Otherwise you'll be in
and out, in and out, back and forth. So here
is the prayer, precious Lord of the universe. Just now
I ask you to reveal to me those places within
(50:28):
myself that are healing, have healed, that need to be
healed as a result of my relationship with Booboo. Reveal them,
show me lift the veil so that I may be
whole and complete and move forward. Now you may not
remember all of that, but some version of it. Just
(50:49):
ask God to show you the places in you that
you went into that relationship to heal, show you the
ones that are healed, the ones that needed the need
to be healed, the ones that you haven't even scratched,
and so that you can move forward into it. And
that's going to take time. That's why they go to
the book club. Go and whatever they're reading. They just
(51:13):
finish Love Without Conditions by Paul Farini. I don't know
what they're reading now, but they're reading I think you
can have it all. I don't know anyway Robert will
help you, but he asks, he answers all kinds of
questions so that you can be with other men. And
because even though you're in same sex relationship, you still
got testicles, You got testaments, right, you do. And the
(51:37):
only reason I asked that is so that I know
whether you're doing estrogen or progesterate, so you still and
you're human, you still have a heart. You have I
coudn't saying the Invisible Ache. It's the man Cave. It's
the man Cave book club. You still have a heart,
and your heart is fragile, and your heart can be broken,
(51:59):
and you'll your heart is open, and your heart wants
to be loved, and your heart wants to be accepted.
And the way to do that in today's world is
to come up out of the broken humanness into your
divinity as an expression of divine light and love. And
you still may have jacked of relationships, but at least
(52:20):
you won't leave them feeling a deficit. Because see, when
you love yourself, when you know yourself, when you accept yourself,
humans can disappoint you, but they don't leave you in
a deficit. They leave you in Well. Damn, that was interesting.
When'd you like to be like that? Damn? That is interesting. Okay,
(52:43):
let's see what else is coming up. Okay, yeah, go
to thank you for calling and listen. Remember it's a
little spot right in here that still wants him. You
gotta clean you got that thing needs to be extracted. Yes, okay,
(53:05):
why do you want it? That's what you gotta because
that's that's what bonded. Y'ell, that's what bond is. Okay,
all righty bye bye, Tune into the R spot. We've
got three years of shows on Shondaland iHeartRadio. Tune into
(53:28):
the art Spot. I'll be back here next week. I'll
bring you a new question. We can do another one together. Okay.
I hope you've heard something today that you can use
in your life, and please use it. Love ya mean it.
Thanks for tuning in and I'll see you real soon.
(53:49):
Be good to each other, take care of each other. Bye.
The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
your favorite show.
I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
I had to learn the skills and tools required to
make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
art Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
(00:36):
Good afternoon, Good afternoon, Good afternoon, and i am back
again for a live episode of The art Spot, the
place we come to talk about relationships. And I've got
two questions on the floor today. What is the hardest
lesson you have ever learned about relationshiationships? And how did
(01:01):
you learn that lesson? What's the hardest lesson you had
to learn about yourself? About how you do relationships, how
you go into relationships, what's required in the relationship, and
what's the best lesson, the thing that is blessed you
the best? How you behave in relationships, how you leave
a relationship. We want to talk about that right here
(01:23):
live on the our Spot. You can come up on
the screen with me, or you can put it in
the comments and I'll read it. If you've got a question,
I'll answer it. We did this about two weeks ago
and we had just a really, really good time. What
is the hardest lesson you've ever learned in relationships? We
want to know about that here on the our spot,
(01:43):
because this is the place that we come to learn
about all things relationships. All things do we mean only
romantic relationships or all relationships? Well, at the spot we
talk about all relationships. You have to do the work.
Boundaries are important. Absolutely, absolutely, I can't change the other person. Godlee,
(02:05):
who's tried to change somebody in the relationship? And how
do you realize you can't do it? How do I
keep my marriage when my husband got a thirty year
old pregnant? Well, what's more relevant that she's thirty or
that she's pregnant? And how old is your husband? I
don't know how you keep that together? Do you want
(02:26):
to keep it together? What do we do when we
find out that our partner, a husband, particularly a husband
or a wife is cheating. That's another question we want
to deal with right here on the relationship. Letting go
is the hardest thing. Absolutely, letting go is the hardest thing.
Why why is it so hard? Why do we have
(02:47):
such a difficult time saying well, that's done? Next? Because
you're in a place to move forward. Doesn't mean others are.
We can't do the work for others. Okay, I cannot
love someone into loving you. Wow, that's powerful. Thank you
for that, Thank you for that. Boundaries, Boundaries, boundaries, that's
(03:09):
the hardest thing. Now, what do we mean about a boundary?
And how do you make a distinction between a boundary
and a wall? Because some of us we set up walls,
or we set up demands, We set up things that
we absolutely hold and hold the other person to it.
And what do you do when a person doesn't align
with your boundaries? What do you do? Do you just
(03:31):
let the whole relationship go? All right? I know you're
out there, welcome to the r spot. I had to
love my father where he was. Yes, just had that
conversation with somebody. Here's something that I think we need
to own. And I'm just putting this out there. I'm please.
If you're a man and you have a different approach,
a different opinion, I want to hear from you. I
(03:54):
find in relationships in general, in life that men have
a difficult time asking for help, accepting help, or admitting
when they need help. They have a difficult time asking
for help receiving help even when you offer it, or
(04:16):
admitting that they need help, because I think in the
masculine socialization, people come up with asking for help is
weak men men asking for help is weak, or maybe
they ask for help and we're considered weak. I don't know.
If you're a man, come talk to me and let's
(04:37):
forget this thing out. I have to give my person
grace I expect for them. You have to give someone
the same amount of grace or the same amount of compassion,
because we don't really have grace. We can't give grace.
Only God can give grace. Communicate is literally everything. It
will make or break. What do you mean by communicate?
(04:58):
What do you mean by that? Because your definition of
communication may be very very different in someone else's definition
of communication. Blessings to it afternoon. I learned being with
my wife twenty seven years. I realized they are different
versions of her I have met, and I'm so happy
(05:18):
we had those hard days to make these great days
ahead as you grow. I love that. Thank you twenty
seven years. Different aspects of her, and just know this,
there are different aspects of you too. You can help
a narcissist change. That's a statement. If I'm not happy
after trying everything to make it work, it's okay to leave.
(05:41):
I have to stop saying so long, knowing it's not
working and not going to work. When is enough enough?
That's the question? When is enough enough? That's another question.
We can put that on the board. When is enough enough?
Relationships is about production? What are we producing? I can
(06:05):
hear that, So let me ask you a question. Relationships
are about production. What's the distinction between production and transactions?
Because so very often we get into these transactional relationships accountability. Listen,
y'all can't give me these one word answers. What's the
hardest thing you've learned in relationship accountability? Who's yours? Theirs?
(06:29):
How you hold somebody accountable? The hardest lesson was what
I allow will continue? That's a good one. The hardest
lesson is what I allow will continue? We got a
question here, delete report. Let me just see what if
I have everything in my relationship except the sex? What
(06:52):
about it? Whoo? You know they say that sex is
only ten percent of a relationship, but it's very important
ten percent. So let me ask you, are you willing
to live the rest of your life in this relationship
with things exactly as they are? Are you willing to
do that? So if you're not, then you've got a
(07:14):
choice to make. How long do you keep a relationship
that you know has an expectation date to it romantic
or friendship? I think you mean expiration and expiration date?
How long do you keep a relationship?
Speaker 2 (07:33):
How are you my love?
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Yeah, you got a question you want to bring to
the R spot today.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
I just wanted to share that.
Speaker 3 (07:42):
You know, I think one of the greatest lessons I
learned is to love myself and I know that I'm
always my first priority. And I so a couple of
years years ago, I was in like a situationship with
this man, well I didn't know at the time, had
(08:04):
a whole fiance.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
She actually ended up marrying him.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
I'm a girl's girl, so I did disclose to her
what was going on, and she ended up marrying him,
and he unfortunately left her for another one of his
several mistresses. I just recently learned that he gave me HPV,
so kind of navigating that, but you know, it is
(08:29):
what it is.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
But it happened.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
And I'm a writer, I'm a mental health clinician, so
I think with that, I have been trying to like
find the love for him and recognize that he was
so deeply hurt, and I saw that when we were together,
and he was so guarded. So I think it just
really speaks to what you shared about that masculine energy
(08:55):
and how there's so much trauma there and so much
difficulty with putting up those walls and not allowing themselves
to be vulnerable and to heal.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
And I can see that in him.
Speaker 3 (09:09):
Will I ever be with him again, Probably not, but
I can love him from a distance.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
Now. You said that you were in a relationship with
a man who had a fiance that you didn't know about.
When you found about the fiance, you spoke to her
to let her know about your presence. Is that accurate?
Speaker 3 (09:29):
That's well I sent her a Facebook message.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Yes, that's accurate, And what was your intention in sending
her that message?
Speaker 3 (09:39):
So I thought about it for I don't know, probably
a couple of weeks, talked with my friends, and I
just thought if I was in that situation, if I
was on the other side of it, I wouldn't want
to know what was going on. I tried to be
as thoughtful as I could I was like, look, you
can be mad at me. I I have information you
(10:01):
don't want to hear, and I hate that I have
to tell you this. I stopped all contact with him
after I've found out, and I let her know that too.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
Did you tell him that you were going to tell her? No?
Speaker 3 (10:14):
I did ask him if she knew okay, and he yeah, okay.
Because I wasn't sure if it was an open relationship
to you, you know, I was like, I don't. I
don't know if that's what's going on, but if it is,
you know, please make sure you all are transparent.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
With hows.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
What did you learn about yourself in that relationship? Oh?
Speaker 2 (10:38):
Too many things. I learned that I am.
Speaker 3 (10:43):
I learned that at that time in my life, I
was looking for someone else to save me, do save
me from the hurt and the pain that I had experienced.
I learned that I was to trusting, and I think
it's important to trust and I can give. I have
(11:06):
another friend. We're like the Three Musketeers. We were all
working at the same agency. The woman that introduced me
to you, that told me, Emily, protect your heart, and
I do live with a big heart.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
I've always been that way.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
But I think just like learning to trust my intuition
because there were several red flags.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Okay, that's what I was going to ask you, because
you can't be too trusting about it. You can't be
too trusting. So did you learn did you learn that
you question doubt or don't trust your intuition? Did you
learn that?
Speaker 2 (11:46):
I learned that.
Speaker 3 (11:47):
It took me, now, I will say it took me
a couple other little lessons along the way. But I
think we're at a place where I'm like, no, my
intuition is, I'm getting the feeling, and now I'm that
that is something to be trusted.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
What have you learned or why do you think you
attracted that experience to yourself at this time, at that time?
Speaker 2 (12:09):
It's a great question.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
You got a good answer. I don't know that I do. Well.
What if let's not complicated. What if you attracted that
situation or that experience simply to teach yourself that you
need to or you can trust your intuition? Yes, what if?
Speaker 3 (12:32):
I think that's it?
Speaker 1 (12:34):
And then I heard you say will I ever be
with him again? Probably not? Why is that even on
the table?
Speaker 4 (12:40):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (12:41):
I don't know, Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
I don't think that can even be a consideration.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
Absolutely not. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (12:52):
Yeah, but I will say this though, just because he
is he's a PhD student and he's doing really incredible work.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
He's a black man.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
Doing work.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
Focused on the I don't want to give too many
details because I don't want to be like.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
Well, why why is that any of your business? I
guess it's not my business. I know it's not. You're right,
get out of his business, because it sounds to me.
I could be wrong. I could be very very wrong.
It does not sound to me like you are complete.
(13:31):
You still got some hook, some connection. Maybe it's the
bonding pattern. I don't know, but you know too much
and you're making too many assessments, and you know if
you all are not connected with children or property or whatever.
Bye bye boo.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
Yeah, okay, thank you. You know what I think it is.
Speaker 3 (13:52):
I think because I had you know, I've done a
lot of my own healing and kind of work through.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
It and let it go.
Speaker 3 (13:59):
And and when I went for my paps near I
was trying to use my husband insurance benefits before I left.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
The agency, and just I just moved to.
Speaker 3 (14:10):
A different state, and that's when I found found out
that I had HPV, and I was like, he was
the only sexual partner I had had within the timeframe
of my last paps here, So I think it kind
of research.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
That's where the incompletion is. That's that's it. So they
left the he left the calling card. Now let me
ask you this, what are you learning about yourself and
your relationship to your body as it relates to HPV.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Oh, I don't.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
I don't know yet.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
I'll be very transparent.
Speaker 3 (14:44):
I'm I'm in recovery for anorexia, so there's been a
whole lot.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
Oh. Yeah, it's about you and your body. It's about
you and your body. Absolutely. Well, here's here's what I
can say to you, or what I can what I
would offer you. And thank you for your courage and
being so transparent. Thank you for let me share this. Yeah,
I would really want to invite you to really get
(15:14):
clear about because if the way you he may have
violated your trust and your and your love, you violate yourself. Yeah,
anorexia is definitely a distorted relationship with self. That's what
(15:36):
it is. And I would encourage you that as you
continue to recover from that and you continue to develop
a better relationship with your body that you know the HPV,
you can raise your frequency high enough that it can't
even exist. I would tell you to work with this
(15:56):
to the body, body forgive me. I forgive you body.
Thank you, body, forgive me for the judgments I have
of you, the ways that I've treated you, And I
forgive body, forgive me, and I forgive you body for
(16:21):
taking on my distortions, my judgments. Whatever all is settled
between us, work your body. He is definitely a mirror
reflection of how he would violate you. You have violated yourself.
I'm glad you're in recovery.
Speaker 3 (16:40):
Yes, it's been a long journey, but I would at
this point really would rather just say I'm recovered.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
How about I'm delivered. Delivered is a much Yeah, it's
a much stronger word deliver. And that's probably where that
connection you still have to hear. I don't know if
you're peeking over there, looking or listening or whatever. Take
the focus off of him, put it back on your body.
Put it back on your body. Yeah, yes, man, thank you,
(17:11):
Thank you, am I wish you the best. Thank you,
and tell your friend thank you for introducing us. Oh sure, Well,
Every relationship that you have is a function, a mirror
reflection of the relationship that you're having with yourself. I
don't care who it is, I don't care what it is.
(17:33):
Sometimes these relationships come from past lives. But that's a
whole conversation that we can't have right now. So I
will just say, consider that every relationship you have is
a function of the relationship that you have in with yourself.
Speaker 5 (17:47):
And we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome
back to the R spot.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
Tell me your name, beloved, uh Tawana.
Speaker 6 (18:01):
So, over a decade ago, I was married to my
ex husband. We have a daughter that has autism, so
he couldn't deal with it and he asked for a divorce.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
We got divorced for two reasons.
Speaker 6 (18:18):
One because he couldn't deal with the situation with our daughter.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
And two it was an age.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
What does that mean he couldn't deal with the situation
with our daughter.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
What does that mean he didn't know how to communicate
with her.
Speaker 6 (18:31):
We took I took classes, you know, to learn how
to communicate with her, and she, you know, I got
her device.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
To communicate with other people.
Speaker 6 (18:42):
I started taking her out into the community because I
wanted her to learn how to function. That was one
reason we got a divorce, But the second reason was
it was an age gap. He was thirteen years older
than me, and to me, it made me feel like
he didn't realize that I was growing up. I wasn't
that little girl that canded do on him for everything.
(19:06):
So when he asked for a divorce, I said, Okay,
that's fine. The hurtful partner is I don't understand why
he's angry with me.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
Because I gave him everything he asked for.
Speaker 6 (19:20):
He didn't get custody, but he has nothing to do
with our daughter at all. I wanted to understand why
is he so hurt?
Speaker 1 (19:31):
Why do you care if he's angry? Why do you
need to understand?
Speaker 2 (19:37):
I mean so much that he's angry with me? Is
he deals.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Without Why is that your business?
Speaker 2 (19:45):
Why do you care?
Speaker 6 (19:46):
Well, it's more or less for my daughter's say, because
I really want her to have a relationship with her dad.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
The man who didn't accept her, the man who didn't
do the work to learn how to be in relationship
with his autistic daughter. Is she his only child?
Speaker 2 (20:05):
No, she's not. She's the baby.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
The man who was willing to leave his marriage rather
than adjust himself to the requirements of being a father.
Why do you want him to have a relationship with her?
How old is she now? She's twenty five? Okay, okay.
Does she know him?
Speaker 2 (20:25):
Yeah, she knows him well.
Speaker 4 (20:27):
She is.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
Verbal. She's the severest form of autism.
Speaker 4 (20:32):
It is.
Speaker 6 (20:35):
I guess it's because I feel like sometimes I need
a break.
Speaker 1 (20:39):
Okay, Well that's a different story now, you know, because
you said I want to know why he's mad at me,
that's really not what you want. You want him to
participate in her life as a father, because that's what
you had. That's number one. Number two, you want him
to participate in her life as a parent because that
would give you a break. So let's tell the truth here, Okay,
(21:03):
it don't matter, and beloved, the truth is, that's not
what he's choosing, right and it has nothing to do
with her or you. That's not what he's choosing. So
for you to continue to want that, and for you
to continue to this, you know, yearn for that. When
(21:24):
it's not twenty five years, he hasn't done it. Cut
your losses, because when it comes time for him to
answer for how he lives his life. They're not going
to ask you what do you think about how he
lived his life? God, Source Creator is going to hold
him accountable. You do what you have to do. And
I know as a parent of an autistic child, it's
(21:47):
hard to get child care, it's hard to get you know, trust,
lead the person with somebody that really trusts them. And
it sounds like you've done what you need to do.
But I really want to encourage you to stay up,
go ahead.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
But the good thing is, you know, she we spend
a lot of time together.
Speaker 6 (22:07):
She still lives with me, and we have a beautiful relationship.
I not only see her as my daughter, but I
see her kind of as a little sister, you know.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
And if it wasn't.
Speaker 6 (22:21):
For her, I wouldn't learn how to I wouldn't have
learned how to love differently. Yeah, because that's a different
kind of love. And she taught me a lot, you know.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
And you know, just from a place of compassion, I
asked if she were his only child. You said no.
I can imagine that as a man who doesn't have
the maternal instinct, that there may be a sense of
I don't know this to be true. There may be
a sense of some sort of failure or defeat. That
(22:59):
happens often when parents have a child.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
Sometimes he used to be embossed.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
That's his failing. So would you want your daughter to
be in relationship with a man who's embarrassed of her,
who is unwilling. Yeah, So from a place of compassion
for him, I would really want to encourage you to
take the heat off of requesting, requiring, yearning, desiring that
(23:27):
he'd be anything other than who he is, which is
an absent father.
Speaker 6 (23:33):
And I can accept that because of the simple fact
it's not gonna change how I feel about my baby.
That's my baby, should always be my baby, and I'm
always take care of her until I take my last breath.
Speaker 1 (23:44):
You know, it's just you want for her what you had,
and that may not be on her docket. You want
for her what you had, a loving relationship with a
present father. That was your docket, that was your curriculum.
That's not hers, okay, And so very often as parents
(24:07):
we want that, we want for our children what we
didn't have, but it may not be on their docket.
It may not be in her curriculum. But that's about you.
Let that go, Let that go, let that go. And
I don't even know how to tell you to let
it go. And other than to bless him.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
I pray about it because I'm asking God to help me.
Let it go. Here, here you go.
Speaker 1 (24:28):
Whatever his name is, let's just say his name is
Boo Boo, Boo Boo the fool, but we won't call
him the full part. Okay, Boo Boo. I love you,
and I am so so so sorry that you cannot
be here for your daughter and for any judgments I've
placed on you about that. Please forgive me. Thank you,
(24:50):
Boo Boo. I love you, and I am so so
sorry that you are disappointed in who our daughter is
in any way that I contribut to that. I ask
you to forgive me. Thank you. It's called the hope
of no process where you say I love you. I'm
so sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you
(25:13):
because you do love him. He is a part of
your life.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
I said, you know what I said, thank you. I said,
I love you.
Speaker 6 (25:19):
I said I appreciate the gift that you you gave me,
which is my door, and I'm good with that.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
That's not true, beloved, Please forgive me, Please forgive me, Please,
forgive me, Please forgive me. You're not You're not good
with it. You're not you're not. You here on the
social media asking me to help you figure out why
he's angry. You're not good with it. You're not, and
that's okay. Give yourself permission not to be good with it,
(25:51):
but give yourself permission to to do some other things
that are that will get you through it. Let me
ask your question, since you're divorce, how long you've been divorced? Oh?
But that okay, you gotta you gotta boo. You got
a sweetie? No, okay, you need one. You need a look,
you need a little nookie, I know. Okay, it's hard
(26:17):
and he's out being nookified, getting all the nookie he want.
And there you are with your daughter that you love
and and you know you're a special person because God
doesn't give that responsibility to everybody. So it tells me
you have the heart. It tells me you have the willingness.
But it's hard and he's out getting nookified. You ain't
(26:37):
had no nookie since Jesus loved Chicago. And you're telling
me you are right with it. You ain't alright with it, Okay,
so we need to pray a different prayer. We got
to pray a different prayer. First of all, God, I
need some nookie, okay, I need I need a peace.
I need a peace. Help me, Lord, I need it.
(26:59):
That's number one. Number two, I am open and willing.
I need a companion, a partner, a friend who's willing
to be with me as I give loving care to
my daughter. Listen, totally surrender. Totally surrender, and tell you know,
(27:19):
one of the reasons our prayers don't get answers is
because we don't pray a truth. We don't pray truthfully.
We pray what we think sounds good and right, as
if God's source creator doesn't know the truth. You know
this is hard, baby, You've been doing this for twenty
five years. And I promise you there is a partner
out there. There is an open hearted, God centered, kind,
(27:43):
loving man that will stand with you and that can
be there for your daughter so that she can experience
that balance there is. But you got to get Boo
Boo to fool out your heart, out your mind. You
got your hopes on him to file. Boo Boo is
not gonna show up. No to file, Okay, forgot it.
(28:11):
Pray that prayer. Pray that prayer. Tell God the truth,
Tell him you're tired, Tell him this is hard, Tell
him you need help. Tell him, tell him the truth
and how you feel, and ask for the help that
you really really want. Because boo boo, boo boo. Ain't it? Okay, Yes, ma'am,
thank you for your courage. Good luck to you and
your daughter. Okay, bye bye. Yeah. Listen, beloved, we gotta
(28:37):
pray the truth. Don't try to impress God's source, Creator,
Holy Mother, whoever you praying to with your good, flowery words.
God knows your heart. Pray what you really want. God,
this is terrible, I feel bad whatever, and this is
what I need. I need some nookie and I need
(28:57):
a partner, and I need some help. But if you pray,
Oh God, teach me how she don't forgive it. And
I'm having a hard time with him too. We'll talk
about that when we come back. Welcome back to the
(29:23):
R spot. Good afternoon, my darling.
Speaker 2 (29:25):
Tell me your name Arisa John So.
Speaker 7 (29:29):
About two years ago I got out of a relationship
and he thought and said, my new relationship.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
I believe I manifested the man of my dreams.
Speaker 8 (29:40):
We got together, things were good and also I thought
we ended up having a child. After having my child,
I found out that he stepped out on me during
my pregnancy, and of course our relationship went downhill after that.
Speaker 2 (30:00):
Decided to try to make it work. I told him,
of course, it's going to be hard to rebuild trust
once it's destroyed.
Speaker 8 (30:07):
Long story shorts, and he lacked reassurance.
Speaker 7 (30:11):
Our relationship never got back to where it was. Instead,
it started to demolish it. More recently, we went to
Girl Home My Hand where I met your person.
Speaker 2 (30:23):
I've always known about you all my life.
Speaker 8 (30:26):
But we went to the Girl Hold My Hands and
the Awakening, and I thought that, you know, that would
awaken our relationship.
Speaker 7 (30:32):
Things like that I get us back to where we
need to to have a healthy relationship. Instead, after I
came home, I awakened the enemy and our relationship ended.
Speaker 8 (30:45):
It ended about a month ago, and since our relationship ended, after.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
He moved out, he has not checked on our child.
He became a totally different person.
Speaker 7 (30:57):
So the person I thought I and a totally different
person that it is. And him, now, yeah here you are,
Now how old are you?
Speaker 1 (31:10):
My love with a baby and all your dreams are shattered, right, yeah,
and that makes you sad? Yeah, yes, yeah, So what
is it that you really want to know? What is
(31:33):
it that you really want?
Speaker 7 (31:34):
What is inside of me that keep on attracting people
are not for you?
Speaker 1 (31:41):
Well, he was for you for that time. He was
for you for that time, And maybe what he came
to you for was so that your son. Is it
a son? I don't know why I think that's a son.
Why son could come forward? Maybe that's why he came
(32:03):
to you. But but you said a couple of things
that I just want us to scratch out a little bit. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah,
you said the man of my dreams. I thought I
had found a man of my dreams. What was the dream?
Speaker 2 (32:23):
Somebody that would canted to me, gives me a faction,
give me that, give me that soft life.
Speaker 1 (32:31):
Yeah, and what else?
Speaker 2 (32:34):
Somebody I can trust that's loyal, communicate.
Speaker 1 (32:40):
How About somebody that has a good relationship with themselves
and with the God or their understanding. How About somebody
that has a deep sense of integrity that they won't violate.
How About somebody a man who's accountable to somebody other
than himselves. How about somebody who's ready and willing to
be fully committed to a relationship. Was that a part
(33:03):
of the dream. It was that ain't what you spoke,
and that ain't what you got. So one of two
things happen. Either you didn't speak it clearly, or you
spoke it and didn't believe you could have it. Because
only thing we attract in life are the things that
we believe we deserve. Now that part of us that
(33:25):
believes we deserve it may be unconscious. It may be unconscious,
it may be in the back of your mind. I
want this, I want that, but I don't know if
I could have that. I want this, I want this,
but there ain't no good men out there. I want this,
I want that, but I never had it before. I
want this, I want that. I don't want them to
be like the other one. We have a whole script
(33:45):
running in our subconscious mind that creates the energy that
we attract. You said you went into this relationship after
a very bad relationship. Did you do did you do
complete forgiveness work on the other relationship? Wow? There you go.
So you had you have pollution in your heart. This
(34:08):
is not your fault. I'm not blaming you, but I
want you to understand how this happened. Everything comes in
your life by invitation of the energy that you carry.
I could almost guarantee, I could almost guarantee either mommy,
(34:29):
I mean either daddy or somebody early in your life
betrayed you, They left you, they hurt you early in
your life. Who would that be?
Speaker 7 (34:43):
My dad?
Speaker 1 (34:44):
There you go? Have you forgiven him? That would be
an That would be enough. Let me ask you a question,
because you got a lot, You got a lot going on,
and you are here's my thing for you my life.
(35:04):
You are raising somebody's husband and somebody's father. That that
young man that you're raising, he's going to be somebody's
husband and somebody's father, and he needs you as whole
as possible. Where do you live below? Do you have
(35:25):
somebody that can keep the baby for the weekend?
Speaker 2 (35:28):
Yeah, happened, nanny?
Speaker 1 (35:30):
You do?
Speaker 4 (35:30):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (35:34):
On November second, I want you to come to Maryland.
Let me tell you why. On November second, myself and
one of my faculty members, we are doing a forgiveness
healing session. This ain't play play. This is getting there
and clean this stuff out for the final time. I
(35:57):
want to do that for you, because you're raising somebody
husband and somebody's father, and the sadness and the hurt
that you're carrying is going to impact him. So here's
my deal to you. You're gonna send me an email
customer at a yamla dot com. If you can get
to Maryland. I will gift you the workshop. You got
(36:17):
to get here, though, that'll be your investment. You got
to get here Saturday, November two. I don't care you
can get here by air, aplane, across the water. I
don't care how you get here. I don't care how
you get here. Just get here if you can. If
you can get here, I will gift you the workshop
(36:39):
so that you can be a participant in this healing
forgiveness ceremony. Now she's doing a class online for six weeks,
but I know with the baby, you might not have
the time get to Maryland. Send me an email customer
at yamla dot com. I'm gonna gift you the workshop
to come and do this for given this word clean
(37:01):
off your slate so that you can have a new beginning.
I can't leave you there raising that baby because this
sadness and this belief and this betrayal. It dates all
the way back to your daddy. Yeah. And you know what,
my love, You're not alone. I promise you. There are
(37:24):
hundreds of thousands of other women out there and men.
We never think that men get portrayed and hurt, but
they do. Okay, will you do that? I want you.
I want you to commit to me that you're coming
to Maryland on November two. I want to hear that
comm I'm coming to Maryland on November second. Okay, you
send me the email. We'll give you all the details
(37:46):
about the All of y'all can come if you want to, Okay,
But I'm gifting it to her. I don't want her
money to be a reason. If she can get here,
she can have the workshop. Okay. And in the meantime,
here's your assignment. In the meantime until you get to
me in Maryland on November two, every time you think
of something that hurts you, write it down on a
(38:08):
piece of paper and bring me the whole pad, the
whole book when you come. Okay, this hurt me, that
hurt me, He hurt me. Blah blah blah. Because what
you got going on is too much to unpack. Right here,
we don't have to deal. Let's clean it up, let's
heal it, let's eliminate it. You willing, Sam. Okay, somebody
(38:29):
said that you can stay with them in Maryland. Listen,
you can come in Saturday morning, leave out Saturday night.
There's a little hotel nearby. We'll give you all the details. Okay,
that's my gift to you. That's my gift to you.
Write me customer at a yamla dot com.
Speaker 2 (38:46):
So right now, all.
Speaker 1 (38:48):
Right, because I'm gonna make sure you raise a good
father and a good husband. Okay, love you baby, Thank
you for writing me. Thank you. Yeah, listen, put that
on the calendar your November two in Maryland, I'm doing
a forgiveness healing. It's a healing session Saturday, November second.
(39:09):
You can write me at Iyamla at yamla dot com,
customer at yonmla dot com. We can send you all
the details. I believe it's up on the workshop. Myself
and Kim Kennedy, who is a radical forgiveness Master. She's
a radical forgiveness Master. Sandy, I'm accepting your invitation. She's
a radical forgiveness Master. We are doing a forgiveness healing
(39:35):
ceremony ritual. Now, if you want to take the class
Radical Forgiveness, it just started. It's a six week class.
You don't have to take the class to come to
the workshop. But if you take the class and then
come to the workshop, baby, you're gonna have it going on, okay,
because forgiveness is the ticket. That's it. Forgiveness is everything,
(39:57):
right now?
Speaker 2 (39:58):
Ray or I yeah, you got it right, it's real.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
Or what would you like to bring to the table
to the art spot today?
Speaker 4 (40:05):
A little bit similar to the previous lady, I'm you're
coming out of a nine year relationship nine years with
nine years, yes, ma'am, with a guy you know, and uh,
you know, we came together. It's what I guess. This
is what they call like our traumas came together and
(40:26):
so it was a trauma relationship, and so it was.
Speaker 1 (40:30):
A wound ship. Those are called wound ships where your
bonding patterns brought you all together in order to heal.
But if you didn't heal the bonding patterns and release them,
it's not good. Yeah, I'm sorry.
Speaker 4 (40:45):
Yeah, And I mean I learned so much about myself.
Speaker 1 (40:49):
Tell me, tell me, tell me what you learned?
Speaker 4 (40:52):
You know, a lot of stuff stems from our parents.
You know my parents, you know, they split, you know,
when we were young. But I learned that I have
a lot of passive aggressiveness characteristic and I'm one that
I shut down when somebody when I feel threatened, and
(41:12):
you know I will. I'm a runner too, I run
and I you know, I'm that kind of person avoidance. Yeah,
I have that avoidance personality.
Speaker 1 (41:24):
What what bonded you? What?
Speaker 4 (41:32):
I guess I just needed somebody. I need a stability.
I was very unstable and he was kind of the
rock you know that I needed. But I guess with
that because he was now he's nine years older than me,
and so with that, I guess I don't know if
it's just because of the age difference, but there was
(41:54):
a lot of manipulation and and uh, you know he
was very controlling.
Speaker 1 (42:02):
Well, you wanted stability. You wanted stability, and in order
to have what would feel stable to you, you needed
to be turned and twisted because you were unstable. I
want you to understand how you're speaking, in your thinking
created your experience. I was unstable. So if something is unstable,
(42:23):
if the boat is rocking or the thing you got
to stabilize it and control it. So you got exactly
what you asked for.
Speaker 4 (42:33):
Yeah, and I see that I got what I needed.
Speaker 1 (42:36):
Well, you got what you requested, not what you needed.
What you needed was self discipline and self love.
Speaker 4 (42:42):
Exact exactly, yes, ma'am. And you know I've been on
the on this journey even before I met him. I
was on a personal development path and you know I
found a secret you know, and the law of attraction
before I met him, And you know, I had did
a little bit of work to try to you know,
(43:04):
come back to love. But you know it was rough.
Speaker 1 (43:09):
It was rough. So you walked out of that relationship
knowing what, feeling what, believing what. I walked out of
that relationship knowing.
Speaker 4 (43:20):
Knowing that I am capable of loving myself and I
don't need anybody to bring stability in my life. I
can be stable in myself. I'm still working on being stable,
but you know I have learned. I am learning that
I have the ability to be and I don't need
(43:41):
anybody else for that.
Speaker 1 (43:43):
Was your childhood unstable with the parents breaking up.
Speaker 4 (43:47):
Uh well, military, so we moved around a lot.
Speaker 1 (43:51):
Okay, So that's instability, not bad. No, no heat, no judgment,
not bad, but you had a feeling I'm going to
say of instability, and I could be very wrong. You
don't have to wear it if it doesn't apply. Of
not being safe, well.
Speaker 4 (44:07):
I guess a little bit because of the my environment.
I was in an environment where, like I was bullied
a lot growing.
Speaker 1 (44:16):
Okay, okay, So all right, you walked out of that
relationship knowing that you don't need anyone else to establish
your stability, that you can do it for yourself. You
walked out of that relationship feeling what.
Speaker 4 (44:34):
Stronger, gosh, stronger, definitely stronger and capable, you know, a
resilient you know, because we separated, you know several times,
but I would we would come back because.
Speaker 1 (44:52):
You weren't complete exactly.
Speaker 4 (44:55):
That's a complete, that's a good word, okay, feeling complete.
I came out feeling and like, this relationship is completely finished.
You know that I'm completely moved on from it.
Speaker 1 (45:08):
Okay. So you walked out of that relationship knowing you
don't need anybody to establish your stability. You walked out
of that relationship feeling complete, feeling stronger. Now you walked
out of that relationship, and now you want what.
Speaker 4 (45:29):
That's a good, good question, Well.
Speaker 1 (45:31):
Don't you don't have to answer it. Don't force the answer.
Don't force the answer because that's still open. But that's
that's a place that you want to investigate so that
you don't Anything that's incomplete from that relationship doesn't show
up in the next one. You may feel complete, but
if you're you know, if you I walked out of
(45:52):
that relationship needing more confidence in myself, needing more uh,
you know, a deeper relationship with God, out of that relationship,
needing a clearer vision about what I want in a partner. Whatever.
Don't force it, but investigate it. But I want to
encourage you and not you know, this is just showing up.
Speaker 3 (46:11):
You know.
Speaker 1 (46:12):
Every Thursday we have the Invisible Ach Men's book Club.
I don't need it anymore. It's where men come together
and they're walking through various texts. If you're really on
that personal development path and you really need some help,
here's something. Because I know men don't like to ask
for help, they don't like to accept help, they don't
(46:33):
like to admit they need help. You need help, go
to the book club Thursday night. It's twenty nine dollars
a month, and the coach there, Robert Pruett. You don't
care if you black, white, straight, gray, green, as long
as you're living, you know. But you hear other men
(46:55):
and how they You'll walk through these various books together
and you learn. Robert helps you apply it to your life.
So that's the things that you missed. I love you,
and I'm a mother you and teach you. But there's
some places where men have to mother each other. There
are millions of places. I'm just telling you about the
one I got, which is the book club. Go to
(47:17):
eyamla dot com and look that up. So ultimately, after
all of this, what was your question?
Speaker 4 (47:28):
Well, I I didn't have a question. I just kind
of just seen the life and I just follow you
and I just love you, and so I was like,
let me talk on and see you know what it is.
And so I guess if I did have a question,
I guess it would be like, how how long do
(47:50):
you think it would take? Because I know I'm not
completely healed from a relationship, because I mean it's only
been a month, so you ain't.
Speaker 1 (47:57):
Even how did the relationship yet You're not You're not
even out a month you're not out give yourself at
least nine months. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (48:07):
I mean we communicate, and I mean there's there as
there's some tension and everything. But you know, I think
I'm wondering. Okay, So here's a question. I'm wondering about
a friendship after marriage with the with the person because
I don't I'm wondering if that's something that is healthy
(48:28):
or is it not healthy to try to maintain some
kind of relationship with the person.
Speaker 1 (48:33):
Well, you know, me and my ex husband when we
were married twice, ours was a forty year relationship and
we are great friends now. We don't hate Thanksgiving dinner together,
we don't go shopping together. I never forget his birthday,
he never forgets mine. If something goes on with his children,
(48:54):
you know who were basically you know, he had children
before we got to get other. I know about it.
I have a relationship with some of his children that
are separate and apart from my relationship with him. He
has a relationship with my son that's separate and apart
from his relationship with me. So what am I saying?
First of all, you need time to develop the new normal.
(49:18):
You can't come out of a marriage a love ship
a wound ship, and then expect you all are going
to be friends, because it's really the time of part
that will bring to the surface the things that were unresolved,
the things that were revealed, the things that you came
together to heal. You can't do that a month out
a month out. It just needs to be Hey, how
(49:39):
you doing. You know, as jacked up as it is,
I miss you, but I'm wishing you the best and
moving forward. Don't act like you don't miss it. Don't
act like there's a don't act like, right down between
your little toe and the other toe right there, there's
a spot that still wants it. That's okay, yeah, yeah.
So the thing is this nine months or this healing period,
(50:03):
it's to eliminate that spot that still wants it. That
sucker has got to be eliminated. Otherwise you'll be in
and out, in and out, back and forth. So here
is the prayer, precious Lord of the universe. Just now
I ask you to reveal to me those places within
(50:28):
myself that are healing, have healed, that need to be
healed as a result of my relationship with Booboo. Reveal them,
show me lift the veil so that I may be
whole and complete and move forward. Now you may not
remember all of that, but some version of it. Just
(50:49):
ask God to show you the places in you that
you went into that relationship to heal, show you the
ones that are healed, the ones that needed the need
to be healed, the ones that you haven't even scratched,
and so that you can move forward into it. And
that's going to take time. That's why they go to
the book club. Go and whatever they're reading. They just
(51:13):
finish Love Without Conditions by Paul Farini. I don't know
what they're reading now, but they're reading I think you
can have it all. I don't know anyway Robert will
help you, but he asks, he answers all kinds of
questions so that you can be with other men. And
because even though you're in same sex relationship, you still
got testicles, You got testaments, right, you do. And the
(51:37):
only reason I asked that is so that I know
whether you're doing estrogen or progesterate, so you still and
you're human, you still have a heart. You have I
coudn't saying the Invisible Ache. It's the man Cave. It's
the man Cave book club. You still have a heart,
and your heart is fragile, and your heart can be broken,
(51:59):
and you'll your heart is open, and your heart wants
to be loved, and your heart wants to be accepted.
And the way to do that in today's world is
to come up out of the broken humanness into your
divinity as an expression of divine light and love. And
you still may have jacked of relationships, but at least
(52:20):
you won't leave them feeling a deficit. Because see, when
you love yourself, when you know yourself, when you accept yourself,
humans can disappoint you, but they don't leave you in
a deficit. They leave you in Well. Damn, that was interesting.
When'd you like to be like that? Damn? That is interesting. Okay,
(52:43):
let's see what else is coming up. Okay, yeah, go
to thank you for calling and listen. Remember it's a
little spot right in here that still wants him. You
gotta clean you got that thing needs to be extracted. Yes, okay,
(53:05):
why do you want it? That's what you gotta because
that's that's what bonded. Y'ell, that's what bond is. Okay,
all righty bye bye, Tune into the R spot. We've
got three years of shows on Shondaland iHeartRadio. Tune into
(53:28):
the art Spot. I'll be back here next week. I'll
bring you a new question. We can do another one together. Okay.
I hope you've heard something today that you can use
in your life, and please use it. Love ya mean it.
Thanks for tuning in and I'll see you real soon.
(53:49):
Be good to each other, take care of each other. Bye.
The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
your favorite show.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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