June 26, 2024 • 37 mins
It's a question many of us have faced in our lives: what do I do if my partner is cheating? Iyanla and her panel of guests provide real-world advice on how to trust your intuition when your partner is cheating and how to move forward and reevaluate your trust if your partner is in fact faithful. One panelist also shares how she handled the conversation in the past and how she would change her approach now.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
I am Yamla. I've been very open about the fact
that I was not always good at making my relationships work.
I have been divorced three times, twice from the same person.
In other words, I have seen a lot and failed
a lot in my relationships. So I am here to
share with you what I learned along the way because
(00:24):
I did take copious notes. Welcome to the Our Spot,
a production of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome,
(00:47):
Welcome to the Our Spot, the place we come to
talk about all things relationships in all kinds of relationships.
Relationships are healing ground, our teaching, the place that serves us,
nurses us, nourishes us, and drives us crazy. And today
(01:09):
we're shaking things up a little bit. We're going to
do things a little differently, if that's okay, because you know,
things are always changing in relationships, and as you listen
to the Rspot and our relationship grows and deepens, things
are going to change and they are changing. So today,
rather than just me talking to you or people calling
(01:32):
in talking about their problems, We've got a different format today.
I've got some co hosts, that's right, listeners who are
going to be joining in with me, and we are
going to be discussing this topic. Allah, the view, Allah,
the talk, Allah, whatever show it is that you look
(01:52):
at when there's more than one opinion, more than one
person sharing their insights their experiences. Because I don't know everything,
and I'm old as hell, not always love to have
the voice of youngins, youngins who have a different experience,
(02:12):
a different perspective, a different insight. So my panel today
is made up of a twenty something, a fifty something,
and then there's me, the eyes and the voice of wisdom.
And we are discussing a topic today that I have
gotten so many emails about, so many calls about, And
(02:34):
it's this. I know my partner is cheating, but I
just don't have the proof proof. Why isn't your knowing
enough proof? Why isn't your feeling enough proof? And why
don't you just ask the question? Well, because nine times
out of ten you'll ask the question and the partner
(02:55):
may not tell the truth. But does that deny what
you know? If you ask somebody is your tongue pink
and they say no, it's green, does that deny the
fact that you see a pink tongue hanging out their mouth.
It's a dilemma, and we're gonna talk about it. What
do you do when you know, feel sense, believe your
(03:17):
partner is cheating, but you don't have the proof. You
don't have the evidence. How do you get the evidence?
What would that evidence be? I remember one time talking
to a guest right here on our spot, and she
knew her husband was cheating. She found letters, she saw pictures,
(03:38):
she saw texts, and she kept asking him. He kept
saying it wasn't true, that was just a friend, until
the day she came home and found them in the
bed together. Well, was that enough proof for you? Sometimes
we call in things, or we require things, request things
(03:58):
that we need, and I think that's because we don't
trust what we know. So my co hosts and I
we're going to talk about that today. What do you
do when you know your partner is cheating but you
don't have physical, tangible evidence or proof. Let me bring
in my co hosts. Greetings, my beloved co host, and
(04:27):
welcome to the R Spot. I think I have Luke
from Miami and you are a third year medical student
at Howard Is that right?
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Yeah, so happy to be here with you.
Speaker 1 (04:39):
I'm so happy to have you here, and then I
think I have Pat. Pat is a fifty something teacher
with two adult children. Hey Pat, welcome.
Speaker 3 (04:48):
Hi, Mama I. How are you?
Speaker 1 (04:51):
I am so fine? Oh my god, you call me
mama ia and you fifty? That means I'm really old.
Oh my lord, Please don't tell nobody that. And then
I have the twenty something. Where are you from, Caira?
Speaker 4 (05:11):
I'm actually some Connecticut. I now reside in Charlotte, North Carolina.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
So I want to welcome all of you here today
as my co host for us to discuss this absolutely
juicy topic of you know your partner is cheating, but
you don't have the evidence. What do you do? What
do you do? And what would that evidence be? I
want to start with you, Pat, my fifty something. You
(05:37):
know your partner's cheating, but you don't have physical evidence
of proof. What do you do?
Speaker 2 (05:42):
What did I do?
Speaker 3 (05:43):
I've done absolutely nothing?
Speaker 5 (05:45):
Oh because I.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Didn't know what.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
Really, I've done absolutely nothing because I didn't know what
to do. I felt it. It was a pattern I've seen,
you know, how he would put me before he would
go like no evidence, but I felt it, and I
didn't do nothing.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
Because to be.
Speaker 3 (06:04):
Honest, I didn't have the courage too at that time.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
Ah okay, what was the evidence that you saw?
Speaker 3 (06:11):
I felt that he would he would prep me like
a week before, you know, he started telling me stories
like hey, you know, uh, such and such as I'm
having a party and uh you know, you know, me
and the guys were going to go out, and so
it'll start that Monday. You know, the preparation too. We
go and so like on Friday when he was about
to go, he'll pull his clothes. Hey, you like this
(06:32):
with you know what I have on? I wanted, you know,
could you earn my shirt for me? And all week
was leading up to this Friday and going out and
I said, oh, so who are you going with? Oh?
Just me and uh you know, brush it off, Oh
just me and such and such Me in Holland was
just going and I'm oh, okay. So I would ask questions,
so is uh they bringing their wives? I don't know.
(06:53):
Maybe maybe still would be there, I don't know. So
he would just and I'm like, okay, this ain't no boys. Sure,
this ain't no boys going out there, And it would
happen and.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
He would go and stay all weekend.
Speaker 3 (07:04):
Yeah, he would, he would he would go stay that that,
He'll go Friday, come home Saturday. Yeah, because you know
when well, you know we're going to go to dinner
and were able to you know, this African spot and
then we're going to do this, and so he would
lay it out for me and you know, there was
a prep and then you know, and so you know,
but I'm I'm I'm calling you everywhere on the day. Okay,
it was a pattern.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
Wow, yeah, Luke, Yes, what do you think? You know
your partner is cheating, but you don't have evidence. What
do you do?
Speaker 2 (07:33):
You know, I think about the premise of the question, right,
it's saying that you don't have the evidence, but it's true,
we have the evidence. The evidence is our soul, right,
listening to our soul, how do we feel tapping in?
And so that misalignment, you know, even miss pat you know,
as she mentioned, there was some patterns that she can
(07:55):
trace back to whether or not you want to acknowledge
the evidence that everdence is actually there. You know, there
there's a biblical scripture that says, you know, faith is
the faith is the substance of things hoped for, and
the evidence of things not seen. So even though you
don't have the evidence to actually cling to, you know,
the manifestation of the evidence is really after the fact, right,
(08:18):
And so when I think about clinging to the evidence,
I think that that's sort of old news at that point.
It's most it's more and so about where are you
and how are you going to redirect yourself? You know,
in this misalignment that you feel, right, how are you
going to communicate this misalignment and what can you trace
(08:40):
back to in your uh, in your history with this
person to really dig deep right and really listen in
and figure out your next steps forward.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
M Well, miss pat said she didn't have the courage,
and we're gonna we're gonna dig into what you just offered, Luke,
but let me go the kiro a full minute. She's young,
You are young, and yes, what do you do young?
And if you think your partner is cheating but you
don't have evidence.
Speaker 4 (09:07):
I would say, honestly, kind of piggybacking off of what
mister Luke was saying, I kind of feel like, you know,
I am young, so I haven't had it as many
experiences as you guys have had, But I feel like
we all kind of have, you know, women's intuition, and
that's just something like the signs are there, you know,
so it's like you act like they're not because you're
(09:29):
you're so in love and you just kind of, you know,
ignore the signs. But they're always there, you know, and
you just kind of have to be careful. And you know,
as I get older, I'm gonna you know, grow from
those experiences because I know I probably will have them,
you know. So I think it's just definitely a lot
of having women's intuition for sure. That's how I feel.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
Well, what about a man. I'm gonna come to you, Luke,
what about a man? What about because mss Chira said,
h women's intuition. Do men have intuition that let them know, Okay,
something's off here?
Speaker 2 (10:06):
Oh? Yes, you know, in terms of you know, I
think sometimes we get so bottled into the masculine energy
and the feminine energy. But intuition is really about building
up that inner voice. It's about building up that soul
voice and turning up the valume on that. So you know,
I'm very spiritual in the sense that I can detect
(10:28):
and I am very aware of you know, just anyone
in the room, how they're feeling, how to connect with people.
And so it's really about really connecting with yourself. And
if you've done that work to really connect with yourself
and you know that, hey, something is wrong here, you
may not be able to actually put together all the
(10:49):
words and cobble together all the words, but if you
know that, you know there's something that's just you know,
there's just something at the pit of your stomach. It
won't let you fully digest your meals, or it won't
let you you know, just just can't let you hold
your sleep or your peace. That's what you have to
actually dig into. And so you know, I think men,
(11:12):
just as women, you know, we do have that intuition.
I just think that you know, through a culturation and
just through what we see in the media, we don't
often allow for men to really tap into that. Right,
It's more about raising that awareness and also raising and
cultivating that space for those opportunities so that so that
(11:33):
voice can really have some breath, you know, it's really suffocated.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Well that's a juicy way to look at it, and
we're going to look at more right after this. Welcome
back to the r Spot. I've got three co hosts
on with me today and we're discussing what to do
(11:58):
when you think your partner cheating. Miss pat, let me
come back to you, because one of my questions was
going to be what is a sign of cheating? Because
you said that your partner kind of created this pattern.
So when he came to you to say, oh, I'm
going to help them load the cars up, or we're
(12:21):
going on the boy's trip, talk to me about what
was going on inside of you? Was it something you heard,
did you feel something? What was happening with you?
Speaker 3 (12:31):
I felt I felt every bit of it. And here's
what I said to him.
Speaker 5 (12:36):
One time.
Speaker 3 (12:37):
I said to him, I said, I can feel another
person between us.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
So you felt you felt the presence of the other person.
You felt the Yeah, because everything is energy, So if
your partner is out intimately involved with somebody else, they're
going to bring that energy right to your bed. So
you felt the energy. Now, when when you said that
to him, what did he say?
Speaker 2 (13:02):
He got to feet.
Speaker 3 (13:04):
He immediately got defensive immediately, and I said it very
calmly I can and he's I was like, He's liked,
what do you mean? What are you talking? About I said,
I can feel there's someone here, there's someone else between us,
I said, energetically, I can feel her, I specifically said her,
and he just I don't want to talk about you know,
(13:25):
you know, you just want to start today. No, I
don't want to start to day hunt.
Speaker 5 (13:30):
This is this is.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
Exactly how I feel.
Speaker 3 (13:32):
I said, this is a strong feeling. M And you
know the conversation with miss did.
Speaker 1 (13:42):
Miss Kira, you're young, But what do you think would
be a sign of cheating that your partner was cheating.
We're gonna look at the signs. What do you think
your sign would be?
Speaker 4 (13:53):
I feel like just a change of like patterns. I
would say, just like, you know, you're doing things that
you normally wouldn't do or like out of the ordinary.
That would kind of make me like, you know, question
you know why you're doing that. I think that would
be a sign M.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
So, a feeling, a change in pattern. Mister Luke, what
do you think a sign of cheating would be.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
One sign of cheating is coldness, this callous, you know, irritable,
easily to feel irritated by the other person, agitated just
by any little thing, right, could just be the way
they chew their food, or you know the way that
(14:42):
they may you know, tie their shoelaces, just any little
thing that you're kind of nitpicking about this person. Whereas
you know, we in the honeymoon phase, everything that that
person did just rub you in the best way, right.
It just always filled you up. You know, their smile,
their laughter, everything, just the topics of conversation just brightens
(15:04):
you up and put you up in that one hundred percent.
But when you start to feel like, wow, this person
doesn't really like me as much. They say that they
love me, but when they don't really like me as much,
that's when you can kind of start to since that coldness.
You know that that wedge I feel is really a
(15:26):
good sign that you can kind of detect.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
You know, in relationships, I think one of the challenges
is that we forget about the exchange of energy. You know,
when you're intimate with someone, when you're close to someone,
when you're breathing the same man, sharing the same sheets,
there's an energetic exchange. And anytime, as ms Pat said,
(15:53):
you inject another energy into that, it's going you're going
to feel it in the space. Let me ask you this,
have you ever thought or accused someone of cheating only
to find out that you were wrong. Yes, has that
ever happened to anybody? Yes? Tell me do Tail do Tail?
(16:14):
I had Miss Kyra.
Speaker 3 (16:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (16:16):
So in my relationship that I'm in currently, I've had
experiences like you know, in the past where I actually
you know, I'm young, so I don't know if this
should be taken seriously, but guys have talked to, you know,
other other girls, and you know, back then that was
huge for me. So I feel like now me with
(16:40):
my boyfriend currently the father of my child, Uh, sometimes
I I kind of think that he's going to cheat
on me or you know, so I feel like I
kind of like prevent him from doing things when I
kind of just need to let him be him, you know,
because he hasn't done anything to make me feel like
he would cheat on me, you know what I mean.
(17:01):
So it's like I feel like I've kind of carried
that into my now relationships.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
So you accused, but you were wrong.
Speaker 4 (17:10):
Right, Yeah? Like okay, So like we I would go
through his phone and things like that, and there are
girls in his phone, but it's previous to when we
got together. But it's just me even seeing and I'm like, oh,
you're still engaging with these women, Like I've said that
to him before and he's like no, and he hasn't
(17:31):
done anything currently. But it's just the fact that I'm
even seeing it, you know what I mean, It just
kind of put the bad taste in my mouth. So
I feel like that is something that I need to
work on because he hasn't done anything to make me
feel like he would actually, you know, cheat on me.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
I want to talk about this whole concept of cheating
for a moment, all right, Let's see if we can
put the pieces together, because it could be physical cheating,
it could be emotional cheating, it could be something else.
I don't know what else. It would be just that
(18:08):
someone isn't fully present in the relationship. Maybe they's spending
more time, you know, it was at the baseball game
or at the pool room or the bar. So how
when you think about cheating, mister Luke, when you think
about cheating, tell me what you how you define that?
Speaker 2 (18:29):
I think that's a really good establishing point. Right Defining
cheating is very important because right now, you know, cheating
has you know, created a lot there's a lot of
spaces right for cheating and as you said, right, we
can spend more time in the office instead of actually
coming home. Even just this just sitting in your driveway,
(18:53):
some people feel guilty about They may not actually want
to just leave their cars and turn their key and
open the door into their homes. Right, is that cheating?
I think that when we talk about intimacy and we
talk about that one to one, you know, relationship. Cheating
to me is any any distraction or any distraction that
(19:22):
is being used intentionally to to drive a wedge between
you and that person.
Speaker 1 (19:31):
Hold it right there, hold it right there, hold it
right there, hold it right there. Any distraction being used
intentionally to drive a wedge between you and your partner
or disrupt the harmony of the relationship. Wow, wow, mispath,
(19:52):
how do you define cheating? Mispath?
Speaker 3 (19:56):
Different distractions that you intentionally do rather than SWI friends
or family or I don't know your basketball games. You know,
when you're not present in a relationship, Okay, that is
that is a that is a cheating for me, when
you're not present when we when there's obviously a different
(20:18):
energy between us. You know, it's something that you rather
do than than to be present in this in this
intimate relationship.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
Mmm, So cheating doesn't always have to involve sex. It
can involve talking, It can involve just absence, not being present,
not wanting to be intimate. I love what mister Luke
said about about the coldness. Yes, about the coldness. Yeah, okay,
So let's think hypothetically now, so that your partner's being
(20:54):
cold to you. Your partners, you know, because for some people,
they with their job, their job becomes their other partner work,
and the job becomes the other partner. So they're cold.
They're working all the time. They they aren't present in
the relationship. Something's always more important than the relationship. What
(21:18):
do you think is the first thing you need to
do to address this issue before you accuse them of
having another person? What would you say would be the
first thing they need to do? Because some people cheat
with their cell phone, they cheat with Facebook and Twitter
and all of them things. What would you like to do?
Speaker 3 (21:42):
I would ask, we would have a conversation and I
would I would ask my you know how it's been
significant other What is it that you need? Is it
something that that's missing, Because a lot of time to
be something missing, It don't necessarily mean it's you in them.
What is it that you need, m that.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
You need for what? Because they may need they may
need a biscuit and some cheese in that moment. But
when you say, what is it that you need?
Speaker 3 (22:13):
Meanie, what is it that you need that's keeping you
so distracted or you have to be so you know,
involved in your Facebook, your Twitter? Whatever?
Speaker 5 (22:22):
Is it?
Speaker 3 (22:22):
Because you're something that is missing? What is missing from you?
Is it something that we can work on talk about?
Is it something that you can but you you know,
what you need for yourself because a lot of it
don't be It will.
Speaker 2 (22:36):
Always be the other person. Okay, so we would have
a conversation.
Speaker 1 (22:41):
Okay, conversation mister Luke, what do you think is the
first thing you.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
Need to do?
Speaker 5 (22:45):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (22:46):
I think Miss pat draws a really powerful point right
when she asked what is it that you need? I
think really at the heart of that question is how
can I continue to be your breath of fresh air?
Right when we start to join into this intimacy, this
relationship with the other, Right, it's mostly about expanding your
(23:10):
breath and fresh air.
Speaker 3 (23:11):
Right.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
You want that person to continually be your breath and
fresh air and not be the point of suffocation. So
the fact that they are turning to alternate you know,
resources or alternate you know pieces objects or distractors, that
means that there's something about what we're doing, something about
(23:31):
how we're operating. The point and the manifesto of what
we're doing has shifted, right, And so now the question is,
you know, let's recalibrate here in this moment, and let's
realign together in this moment, and let's find out how
we can continually be the point of refreshment. You know,
(23:52):
I think about just like a river that's flowing, right.
We want to not be a point of blockage, right.
I don't want to be something that you feel like,
you know, you can't come to me for things. Where
can we find solace in one another and continue to
be so so it's more about redirecting, I think is
(24:15):
really at the heart.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
Okay, and we'll talk about that when we come back.
Welcome back to the R spot for those who are
(24:38):
just joining us. We're talking today about feeling, sensing, knowing
that your partner is cheating, but you're looking for or
you need or you require physical tangible evidence. And I've
got three co hosts with me today mister Luke, a
medical student, Ms Pat a fifty something teacher, and the
(24:59):
young miss Caira. And so we're talking about that. We're
going to continue our conversation. I want to offer a
little coaching here if I can, because the question was,
what's the first thing you need to do when you
see sense suspect that your partner is cheating? What's the
first thing? For me? The first thing would be to
(25:22):
have a conversation and share your experience because so very
often in relationships, we're having a relationship with a person
that they are not having with us. Okay, we think
the relationship should look like this, feel like this, be
like this. What mister Luke said about recalibrating, the other
(25:45):
person may not even know that the relationship is no
longer calibrated. So I would offer that the first thing
is to share the experience before you accuse, before you
become offensive, before you make any leaps in the consciousness. Listen,
(26:06):
I'm noticing that our pattern has changed. I'm noticing that
our communication is off, and it feels to me like
there's something going on with you. Is it something going
on that we can talk about? Because as I share,
as I reflect, back, this is different. That's different. You're
(26:27):
doing this, you're doing that, and then I'd be very
interested in the person's response. Miss Pat shared she told
her husband, I can feel the person, and he became
defensive and denied. So what do you do? I want
to put this on the table for everybody. What do
(26:49):
you do when you open up share your experience or
your awareness or your feeling, not making them wrong, not accusing,
but you share your experience and they deny it. What
did you do? Miss Back? You've found the experience.
Speaker 3 (27:08):
I'll tell you what I did. I went in within.
I went within?
Speaker 1 (27:14):
And what did that look like?
Speaker 3 (27:16):
That looked like introspection? That looked like awareness? Hey, Pat,
what's going on?
Speaker 2 (27:20):
Girl? You know exactly what?
Speaker 3 (27:21):
You ain't going like? You know that? What you don't know?
Speaker 1 (27:25):
I like, you don't know. You're acting like you don't
know what you do know what.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
I do know exactly?
Speaker 3 (27:33):
So I went into prayer, I went into meditation. I said, father,
I need some courage.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
That's what I need.
Speaker 3 (27:39):
H Because I was I was with a I was
with the habitual chronic liar. So I said, I said, father,
I need some courage. I need some courage to be
able to hold myself up within myself so I can
move forward.
Speaker 2 (27:56):
That's what I did.
Speaker 3 (27:56):
I kept watching. An elder in the in the neighborhood
was saying to me one time, she said, you know
I knew my husband? Was she know me all the time?
Speaker 4 (28:04):
You know?
Speaker 2 (28:04):
Pay?
Speaker 3 (28:04):
She said, you know what I used to do? She
just I used to get his clothes ready.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
He said, I would get.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
His hold ready.
Speaker 3 (28:11):
She said, I would get his clothes ready. She said,
while he's like, well, why are you keep getting me
ready to go out? She said, is ain't you going?
Speaker 2 (28:17):
She said, every she said he would go, I would
get this case, she said, so, she said.
Speaker 3 (28:21):
Soon later she said, he stopped. He stopped going.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
Mister Luke, what do you do when you know it,
you feel it, you sense it, you have the conversation,
you share your experience, and the person denies it.
Speaker 2 (28:37):
I think that the best thing to do when face
with someone who is denying it, that just goes to
show that the person is essentially they really don't want
to hurt you. They don't want to face the music,
they don't want to face the truth. And so what
you have to do is really create a continue to
create a safe space you know, for that relationship, because
(29:01):
you know there's really no way out but out right.
And so what you have to do is one figure
out what you want to do in the relationship. You know,
do you want to stay in this relationship? You want
to continue to create this narrow blinder? You know, if
I don't see it, it's not coming in my house.
It's really about how do you want to continue to
(29:25):
create the reality of your uh, create the reality around
your senses and your emotional awareness, because if you continue
to turn down the volume of your inner soul, it'll
just start to chip away at who you are. It is,
start to chip away at your own alignment. So it's
really about, Okay, can I am I going to wait
(29:47):
for this person to bring me the truth? Or am
I going to create a safe space in the relationship
so that we can continue to be honest and truthful
with one another. And once I receive the and see
the evidence, we can then chart a path forward. Hmm.
Speaker 1 (30:06):
So what I'm hearing you say and all of those words,
I'm gonna break it down for our listeners. When you
know you know, the question becomes what do you choose
to do about it? When you know you know, because
nobody's gonna say, yeah, I got another somebody over on
the side because they give me something new. Nobody's gonna
say that. No, And unless you catch them red handed,
(30:29):
chances are they're just going to be in denial. Miss
miss kiro let me ask you. I don't know if
you've had this experience. I'm ana, I'm gonna reframe your question.
I'm gonna reframe your question just a little bit. Okay,
you have, you have the conversation, you share your experience,
they deny it, and then the next day, you know,
(30:50):
I don't know if you know who Nancy Wilson is.
She she was a famous jazz singer and she sang
this song about guess who I saw today. So you
have the conversation with the person, they deny it, and
the next day, you mine in your business going to
the mall and they're at the outdoor restaurant. You see
(31:11):
your partner with another person. What do you do at
Miss twenty something? What do you do?
Speaker 4 (31:19):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (31:21):
What do I do?
Speaker 4 (31:22):
I think at that point? And this is kind of,
you know, piggybacking off of what you guys have been saying.
It's really just about like me making a choice for
myself and my mental health if this is am I
going to continue to deal with this? Or am I
going to do with us for me and my baby?
And you know, let the situation go. You know, like
(31:45):
it really just comes down to that. For me in
that moment, I would, you know, obviously, be very hurt
and upset. And it's easier said than done to just leave,
you know, a situation that you know that you are
really invested in. But I think it's just really you know,
about making a decision. You know, it's just like they
(32:07):
made a decision to cheat. You have to make a
decision about what's best for you.
Speaker 1 (32:13):
So do you walk over and let them, let your
partner know you saw him. Do you walk over and
let your partner know, maybe introduce yourself. Do you do that?
Speaker 4 (32:23):
I feel like I would. I feel like I would
go over there and say something, but my energy would
not be directed towards the girl. It would definitely be directed. Yeah,
I would definitely make a conscious effort of that because
she it's not my issue isn't with you, It's with him,
you know what I mean. So that's something that I
know that I have to be aware of.
Speaker 1 (32:46):
So many people my age and younger need to understand
that because they go after the other person as opposed
to going after their partner. Mispat do you make yourself known?
Do you introduce yourself to to the to the person.
Speaker 3 (33:03):
No to no to my significant other? Yes, after I wouldn't.
I have nothing to do with that woman. That's none
of my business.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
Okay, mister loop, do you do you introduce yourself and
let your partner know that you've seen them?
Speaker 5 (33:18):
Honestly, I'm very non confrontational, to be quite honest with you,
I most likely just, you know, just walk away, really
because at that point, you know, it's really it's really
just confirmation and what introducing yourself and you know, and
letting making yourself known is it's not necessarily going to
(33:44):
shift the needle too much, right, It's more mostly about
I saw this, this is what I saw, and you know,
I would just kind of walk away and just take
a deep breath and just kind of keep planning. You know,
I'm very strategical about a lot of what I do.
Speaker 1 (34:05):
Well, I'm glad to hear that from a man's point
of view, because as a woman, I would walk right
up to the table and introduce myself. I certainly would.
As a matter of fact, I have done it. I
have done it. Walk right up and introduce myself. Forget
my shopping at the mall. I would be home packing
(34:25):
your clothes and they would be out on the front
lawn and the lock would be changed when you got there.
Now that's just me. I'm a woman. But I thank
you for your perspective, mister Luke. No, no, m you
don't get the Well, the other thing I would really
want to do. The reason I would go to the
table is because I want to know who you are.
You could be a friend from work, you could be
(34:48):
a coworker, you could be a business partner. So I'm
going to do what mister Luke said. I'm going to
observe for a moment. I want to see how y'all
are talking, what y'all are doing. Are you sitting across
from each other, next to which other? I want to
kind of get a sense of that conversation because I
don't want to make a fool out of myself. And
then I'm going to walk right over and I'm going
(35:09):
to introduce myself and I'm going to ask the other person, hi,
and you are yeah, I certainly am, because I'm not
going to give you the space you see. For me,
choice is the sacred geometry of power. How I put
my choices together, and the actions that I take in
(35:33):
making a choice is going to either empower me or
disempower me. Now, if I don't get clear about who
this person is, you've already lied to me. I sense it,
I see it, I feel it, I know it. I've
raised with you my experience. You've either ignored, diminished, dismissed,
or denied. Now I see you with you, know Shaquita
(35:55):
at the outdoor cafe. I'm not going to give you
the opportunity to lie to me again. I'm gonna walk
right up to you, Hey, sweetie, how you doing? Maybe
kiss you on your forehead, and I'm gonna turn to
the other person and I'm gonna say I'm as I
am so and so his wife, and your name is
oh okay, and enjoy your lunch. Now that's just me.
(36:17):
Now that's confrontation. I don't know, but I'm I'm going
to find out who you are. Now that's just me, okay.
And like you said, mister Luke, it is confirmation. And
if I had been doing what miss pat was doing,
which is praying for clarity, praying for direction, praying for courage,
(36:38):
and two days later this thing would be revealed to me.
I'm gonna say, thank you God. Here it is. Here's
the clarity, this is what I prayed for. But that's
just me. I'm all pay me no mind. So that's
it for today's episode of the Art Spot. We've talked
a lot today about some signs and you have a
(37:00):
cheating partner and the roadmap you should take if you
feel your partner is cheating on you, But how can
you move forward after the cheating is exposed. Join me
and my co host and panelists next week as we
dive into that part of the soup. In the meantime,
(37:22):
stay in peace and not in piece it Fine. The
r Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
(37:42):
favorite show.
I am Yamla. I've been very open about the fact
that I was not always good at making my relationships work.
I have been divorced three times, twice from the same person.
In other words, I have seen a lot and failed
a lot in my relationships. So I am here to
share with you what I learned along the way because
(00:24):
I did take copious notes. Welcome to the Our Spot,
a production of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome,
(00:47):
Welcome to the Our Spot, the place we come to
talk about all things relationships in all kinds of relationships.
Relationships are healing ground, our teaching, the place that serves us,
nurses us, nourishes us, and drives us crazy. And today
(01:09):
we're shaking things up a little bit. We're going to
do things a little differently, if that's okay, because you know,
things are always changing in relationships, and as you listen
to the Rspot and our relationship grows and deepens, things
are going to change and they are changing. So today,
rather than just me talking to you or people calling
(01:32):
in talking about their problems, We've got a different format today.
I've got some co hosts, that's right, listeners who are
going to be joining in with me, and we are
going to be discussing this topic. Allah, the view, Allah,
the talk, Allah, whatever show it is that you look
(01:52):
at when there's more than one opinion, more than one
person sharing their insights their experiences. Because I don't know everything,
and I'm old as hell, not always love to have
the voice of youngins, youngins who have a different experience,
(02:12):
a different perspective, a different insight. So my panel today
is made up of a twenty something, a fifty something,
and then there's me, the eyes and the voice of wisdom.
And we are discussing a topic today that I have
gotten so many emails about, so many calls about, And
(02:34):
it's this. I know my partner is cheating, but I
just don't have the proof proof. Why isn't your knowing
enough proof? Why isn't your feeling enough proof? And why
don't you just ask the question? Well, because nine times
out of ten you'll ask the question and the partner
(02:55):
may not tell the truth. But does that deny what
you know? If you ask somebody is your tongue pink
and they say no, it's green, does that deny the
fact that you see a pink tongue hanging out their mouth.
It's a dilemma, and we're gonna talk about it. What
do you do when you know, feel sense, believe your
(03:17):
partner is cheating, but you don't have the proof. You
don't have the evidence. How do you get the evidence?
What would that evidence be? I remember one time talking
to a guest right here on our spot, and she
knew her husband was cheating. She found letters, she saw pictures,
(03:38):
she saw texts, and she kept asking him. He kept
saying it wasn't true, that was just a friend, until
the day she came home and found them in the
bed together. Well, was that enough proof for you? Sometimes
we call in things, or we require things, request things
(03:58):
that we need, and I think that's because we don't
trust what we know. So my co hosts and I
we're going to talk about that today. What do you
do when you know your partner is cheating but you
don't have physical, tangible evidence or proof. Let me bring
in my co hosts. Greetings, my beloved co host, and
(04:27):
welcome to the R Spot. I think I have Luke
from Miami and you are a third year medical student
at Howard Is that right?
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Yeah, so happy to be here with you.
Speaker 1 (04:39):
I'm so happy to have you here, and then I
think I have Pat. Pat is a fifty something teacher
with two adult children. Hey Pat, welcome.
Speaker 3 (04:48):
Hi, Mama I. How are you?
Speaker 1 (04:51):
I am so fine? Oh my god, you call me
mama ia and you fifty? That means I'm really old.
Oh my lord, Please don't tell nobody that. And then
I have the twenty something. Where are you from, Caira?
Speaker 4 (05:11):
I'm actually some Connecticut. I now reside in Charlotte, North Carolina.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
So I want to welcome all of you here today
as my co host for us to discuss this absolutely
juicy topic of you know your partner is cheating, but
you don't have the evidence. What do you do? What
do you do? And what would that evidence be? I
want to start with you, Pat, my fifty something. You
(05:37):
know your partner's cheating, but you don't have physical evidence
of proof. What do you do?
Speaker 2 (05:42):
What did I do?
Speaker 3 (05:43):
I've done absolutely nothing?
Speaker 5 (05:45):
Oh because I.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Didn't know what.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
Really, I've done absolutely nothing because I didn't know what
to do. I felt it. It was a pattern I've seen,
you know, how he would put me before he would
go like no evidence, but I felt it, and I
didn't do nothing.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
Because to be.
Speaker 3 (06:04):
Honest, I didn't have the courage too at that time.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
Ah okay, what was the evidence that you saw?
Speaker 3 (06:11):
I felt that he would he would prep me like
a week before, you know, he started telling me stories
like hey, you know, uh, such and such as I'm
having a party and uh you know, you know, me
and the guys were going to go out, and so
it'll start that Monday. You know, the preparation too. We
go and so like on Friday when he was about
to go, he'll pull his clothes. Hey, you like this
(06:32):
with you know what I have on? I wanted, you know,
could you earn my shirt for me? And all week
was leading up to this Friday and going out and
I said, oh, so who are you going with? Oh?
Just me and uh you know, brush it off, Oh
just me and such and such Me in Holland was
just going and I'm oh, okay. So I would ask questions,
so is uh they bringing their wives? I don't know.
(06:53):
Maybe maybe still would be there, I don't know. So
he would just and I'm like, okay, this ain't no boys. Sure,
this ain't no boys going out there, And it would
happen and.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
He would go and stay all weekend.
Speaker 3 (07:04):
Yeah, he would, he would he would go stay that that,
He'll go Friday, come home Saturday. Yeah, because you know
when well, you know we're going to go to dinner
and were able to you know, this African spot and
then we're going to do this, and so he would
lay it out for me and you know, there was
a prep and then you know, and so you know,
but I'm I'm I'm calling you everywhere on the day. Okay,
it was a pattern.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
Wow, yeah, Luke, Yes, what do you think? You know
your partner is cheating, but you don't have evidence. What
do you do?
Speaker 2 (07:33):
You know, I think about the premise of the question, right,
it's saying that you don't have the evidence, but it's true,
we have the evidence. The evidence is our soul, right,
listening to our soul, how do we feel tapping in?
And so that misalignment, you know, even miss pat you know,
as she mentioned, there was some patterns that she can
(07:55):
trace back to whether or not you want to acknowledge
the evidence that everdence is actually there. You know, there
there's a biblical scripture that says, you know, faith is
the faith is the substance of things hoped for, and
the evidence of things not seen. So even though you
don't have the evidence to actually cling to, you know,
the manifestation of the evidence is really after the fact, right,
(08:18):
And so when I think about clinging to the evidence,
I think that that's sort of old news at that point.
It's most it's more and so about where are you
and how are you going to redirect yourself? You know,
in this misalignment that you feel, right, how are you
going to communicate this misalignment and what can you trace
(08:40):
back to in your uh, in your history with this
person to really dig deep right and really listen in
and figure out your next steps forward.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
M Well, miss pat said she didn't have the courage,
and we're gonna we're gonna dig into what you just offered, Luke,
but let me go the kiro a full minute. She's young,
You are young, and yes, what do you do young?
And if you think your partner is cheating but you
don't have evidence.
Speaker 4 (09:07):
I would say, honestly, kind of piggybacking off of what
mister Luke was saying, I kind of feel like, you know,
I am young, so I haven't had it as many
experiences as you guys have had, But I feel like
we all kind of have, you know, women's intuition, and
that's just something like the signs are there, you know,
so it's like you act like they're not because you're
(09:29):
you're so in love and you just kind of, you know,
ignore the signs. But they're always there, you know, and
you just kind of have to be careful. And you know,
as I get older, I'm gonna you know, grow from
those experiences because I know I probably will have them,
you know. So I think it's just definitely a lot
of having women's intuition for sure. That's how I feel.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
Well, what about a man. I'm gonna come to you, Luke,
what about a man? What about because mss Chira said,
h women's intuition. Do men have intuition that let them know, Okay,
something's off here?
Speaker 2 (10:06):
Oh? Yes, you know, in terms of you know, I
think sometimes we get so bottled into the masculine energy
and the feminine energy. But intuition is really about building
up that inner voice. It's about building up that soul
voice and turning up the valume on that. So you know,
I'm very spiritual in the sense that I can detect
(10:28):
and I am very aware of you know, just anyone
in the room, how they're feeling, how to connect with people.
And so it's really about really connecting with yourself. And
if you've done that work to really connect with yourself
and you know that, hey, something is wrong here, you
may not be able to actually put together all the
(10:49):
words and cobble together all the words, but if you
know that, you know there's something that's just you know,
there's just something at the pit of your stomach. It
won't let you fully digest your meals, or it won't
let you you know, just just can't let you hold
your sleep or your peace. That's what you have to
actually dig into. And so you know, I think men,
(11:12):
just as women, you know, we do have that intuition.
I just think that you know, through a culturation and
just through what we see in the media, we don't
often allow for men to really tap into that. Right,
It's more about raising that awareness and also raising and
cultivating that space for those opportunities so that so that
(11:33):
voice can really have some breath, you know, it's really suffocated.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Well that's a juicy way to look at it, and
we're going to look at more right after this. Welcome
back to the r Spot. I've got three co hosts
on with me today and we're discussing what to do
(11:58):
when you think your partner cheating. Miss pat, let me
come back to you, because one of my questions was
going to be what is a sign of cheating? Because
you said that your partner kind of created this pattern.
So when he came to you to say, oh, I'm
going to help them load the cars up, or we're
(12:21):
going on the boy's trip, talk to me about what
was going on inside of you? Was it something you heard,
did you feel something? What was happening with you?
Speaker 3 (12:31):
I felt I felt every bit of it. And here's
what I said to him.
Speaker 5 (12:36):
One time.
Speaker 3 (12:37):
I said to him, I said, I can feel another
person between us.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
So you felt you felt the presence of the other person.
You felt the Yeah, because everything is energy, So if
your partner is out intimately involved with somebody else, they're
going to bring that energy right to your bed. So
you felt the energy. Now, when when you said that
to him, what did he say?
Speaker 2 (13:02):
He got to feet.
Speaker 3 (13:04):
He immediately got defensive immediately, and I said it very
calmly I can and he's I was like, He's liked,
what do you mean? What are you talking? About I said,
I can feel there's someone here, there's someone else between us,
I said, energetically, I can feel her, I specifically said her,
and he just I don't want to talk about you know,
(13:25):
you know, you just want to start today. No, I
don't want to start to day hunt.
Speaker 5 (13:30):
This is this is.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
Exactly how I feel.
Speaker 3 (13:32):
I said, this is a strong feeling. M And you
know the conversation with miss did.
Speaker 1 (13:42):
Miss Kira, you're young, But what do you think would
be a sign of cheating that your partner was cheating.
We're gonna look at the signs. What do you think
your sign would be?
Speaker 4 (13:53):
I feel like just a change of like patterns. I
would say, just like, you know, you're doing things that
you normally wouldn't do or like out of the ordinary.
That would kind of make me like, you know, question
you know why you're doing that. I think that would
be a sign M.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
So, a feeling, a change in pattern. Mister Luke, what
do you think a sign of cheating would be.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
One sign of cheating is coldness, this callous, you know, irritable,
easily to feel irritated by the other person, agitated just
by any little thing, right, could just be the way
they chew their food, or you know the way that
(14:42):
they may you know, tie their shoelaces, just any little
thing that you're kind of nitpicking about this person. Whereas
you know, we in the honeymoon phase, everything that that
person did just rub you in the best way, right.
It just always filled you up. You know, their smile,
their laughter, everything, just the topics of conversation just brightens
(15:04):
you up and put you up in that one hundred percent.
But when you start to feel like, wow, this person
doesn't really like me as much. They say that they
love me, but when they don't really like me as much,
that's when you can kind of start to since that coldness.
You know that that wedge I feel is really a
(15:26):
good sign that you can kind of detect.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
You know, in relationships, I think one of the challenges
is that we forget about the exchange of energy. You know,
when you're intimate with someone, when you're close to someone,
when you're breathing the same man, sharing the same sheets,
there's an energetic exchange. And anytime, as ms Pat said,
(15:53):
you inject another energy into that, it's going you're going
to feel it in the space. Let me ask you this,
have you ever thought or accused someone of cheating only
to find out that you were wrong. Yes, has that
ever happened to anybody? Yes? Tell me do Tail do Tail?
(16:14):
I had Miss Kyra.
Speaker 3 (16:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (16:16):
So in my relationship that I'm in currently, I've had
experiences like you know, in the past where I actually
you know, I'm young, so I don't know if this
should be taken seriously, but guys have talked to, you know,
other other girls, and you know, back then that was
huge for me. So I feel like now me with
(16:40):
my boyfriend currently the father of my child, Uh, sometimes
I I kind of think that he's going to cheat
on me or you know, so I feel like I
kind of like prevent him from doing things when I
kind of just need to let him be him, you know,
because he hasn't done anything to make me feel like
he would cheat on me, you know what I mean.
(17:01):
So it's like I feel like I've kind of carried
that into my now relationships.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
So you accused, but you were wrong.
Speaker 4 (17:10):
Right, Yeah? Like okay, So like we I would go
through his phone and things like that, and there are
girls in his phone, but it's previous to when we
got together. But it's just me even seeing and I'm like, oh,
you're still engaging with these women, Like I've said that
to him before and he's like no, and he hasn't
(17:31):
done anything currently. But it's just the fact that I'm
even seeing it, you know what I mean, It just
kind of put the bad taste in my mouth. So
I feel like that is something that I need to
work on because he hasn't done anything to make me
feel like he would actually, you know, cheat on me.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
I want to talk about this whole concept of cheating
for a moment, all right, Let's see if we can
put the pieces together, because it could be physical cheating,
it could be emotional cheating, it could be something else.
I don't know what else. It would be just that
(18:08):
someone isn't fully present in the relationship. Maybe they's spending
more time, you know, it was at the baseball game
or at the pool room or the bar. So how
when you think about cheating, mister Luke, when you think
about cheating, tell me what you how you define that?
Speaker 2 (18:29):
I think that's a really good establishing point. Right Defining
cheating is very important because right now, you know, cheating
has you know, created a lot there's a lot of
spaces right for cheating and as you said, right, we
can spend more time in the office instead of actually
coming home. Even just this just sitting in your driveway,
(18:53):
some people feel guilty about They may not actually want
to just leave their cars and turn their key and
open the door into their homes. Right, is that cheating?
I think that when we talk about intimacy and we
talk about that one to one, you know, relationship. Cheating
to me is any any distraction or any distraction that
(19:22):
is being used intentionally to to drive a wedge between
you and that person.
Speaker 1 (19:31):
Hold it right there, hold it right there, hold it
right there, hold it right there. Any distraction being used
intentionally to drive a wedge between you and your partner
or disrupt the harmony of the relationship. Wow, wow, mispath,
(19:52):
how do you define cheating? Mispath?
Speaker 3 (19:56):
Different distractions that you intentionally do rather than SWI friends
or family or I don't know your basketball games. You know,
when you're not present in a relationship, Okay, that is
that is a that is a cheating for me, when
you're not present when we when there's obviously a different
(20:18):
energy between us. You know, it's something that you rather
do than than to be present in this in this
intimate relationship.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
Mmm, So cheating doesn't always have to involve sex. It
can involve talking, It can involve just absence, not being present,
not wanting to be intimate. I love what mister Luke
said about about the coldness. Yes, about the coldness. Yeah, okay,
So let's think hypothetically now, so that your partner's being
(20:54):
cold to you. Your partners, you know, because for some people,
they with their job, their job becomes their other partner work,
and the job becomes the other partner. So they're cold.
They're working all the time. They they aren't present in
the relationship. Something's always more important than the relationship. What
(21:18):
do you think is the first thing you need to
do to address this issue before you accuse them of
having another person? What would you say would be the
first thing they need to do? Because some people cheat
with their cell phone, they cheat with Facebook and Twitter
and all of them things. What would you like to do?
Speaker 3 (21:42):
I would ask, we would have a conversation and I
would I would ask my you know how it's been
significant other What is it that you need? Is it
something that that's missing, Because a lot of time to
be something missing, It don't necessarily mean it's you in them.
What is it that you need, m that.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
You need for what? Because they may need they may
need a biscuit and some cheese in that moment. But
when you say, what is it that you need?
Speaker 3 (22:13):
Meanie, what is it that you need that's keeping you
so distracted or you have to be so you know,
involved in your Facebook, your Twitter? Whatever?
Speaker 5 (22:22):
Is it?
Speaker 3 (22:22):
Because you're something that is missing? What is missing from you?
Is it something that we can work on talk about?
Is it something that you can but you you know,
what you need for yourself because a lot of it
don't be It will.
Speaker 2 (22:36):
Always be the other person. Okay, so we would have
a conversation.
Speaker 1 (22:41):
Okay, conversation mister Luke, what do you think is the
first thing you.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
Need to do?
Speaker 5 (22:45):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (22:46):
I think Miss pat draws a really powerful point right
when she asked what is it that you need? I
think really at the heart of that question is how
can I continue to be your breath of fresh air?
Right when we start to join into this intimacy, this
relationship with the other, Right, it's mostly about expanding your
(23:10):
breath and fresh air.
Speaker 3 (23:11):
Right.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
You want that person to continually be your breath and
fresh air and not be the point of suffocation. So
the fact that they are turning to alternate you know,
resources or alternate you know pieces objects or distractors, that
means that there's something about what we're doing, something about
(23:31):
how we're operating. The point and the manifesto of what
we're doing has shifted, right, And so now the question is,
you know, let's recalibrate here in this moment, and let's
realign together in this moment, and let's find out how
we can continually be the point of refreshment. You know,
(23:52):
I think about just like a river that's flowing, right.
We want to not be a point of blockage, right.
I don't want to be something that you feel like,
you know, you can't come to me for things. Where
can we find solace in one another and continue to
be so so it's more about redirecting, I think is
(24:15):
really at the heart.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
Okay, and we'll talk about that when we come back.
Welcome back to the R spot for those who are
(24:38):
just joining us. We're talking today about feeling, sensing, knowing
that your partner is cheating, but you're looking for or
you need or you require physical tangible evidence. And I've
got three co hosts with me today mister Luke, a
medical student, Ms Pat a fifty something teacher, and the
(24:59):
young miss Caira. And so we're talking about that. We're
going to continue our conversation. I want to offer a
little coaching here if I can, because the question was,
what's the first thing you need to do when you
see sense suspect that your partner is cheating? What's the
first thing? For me? The first thing would be to
(25:22):
have a conversation and share your experience because so very
often in relationships, we're having a relationship with a person
that they are not having with us. Okay, we think
the relationship should look like this, feel like this, be
like this. What mister Luke said about recalibrating, the other
(25:45):
person may not even know that the relationship is no
longer calibrated. So I would offer that the first thing
is to share the experience before you accuse, before you
become offensive, before you make any leaps in the consciousness. Listen,
(26:06):
I'm noticing that our pattern has changed. I'm noticing that
our communication is off, and it feels to me like
there's something going on with you. Is it something going
on that we can talk about? Because as I share,
as I reflect, back, this is different. That's different. You're
(26:27):
doing this, you're doing that, and then I'd be very
interested in the person's response. Miss Pat shared she told
her husband, I can feel the person, and he became
defensive and denied. So what do you do? I want
to put this on the table for everybody. What do
(26:49):
you do when you open up share your experience or
your awareness or your feeling, not making them wrong, not accusing,
but you share your experience and they deny it. What
did you do? Miss Back? You've found the experience.
Speaker 3 (27:08):
I'll tell you what I did. I went in within.
I went within?
Speaker 1 (27:14):
And what did that look like?
Speaker 3 (27:16):
That looked like introspection? That looked like awareness? Hey, Pat,
what's going on?
Speaker 2 (27:20):
Girl? You know exactly what?
Speaker 3 (27:21):
You ain't going like? You know that? What you don't know?
Speaker 1 (27:25):
I like, you don't know. You're acting like you don't
know what you do know what.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
I do know exactly?
Speaker 3 (27:33):
So I went into prayer, I went into meditation. I said, father,
I need some courage.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
That's what I need.
Speaker 3 (27:39):
H Because I was I was with a I was
with the habitual chronic liar. So I said, I said, father,
I need some courage. I need some courage to be
able to hold myself up within myself so I can
move forward.
Speaker 2 (27:56):
That's what I did.
Speaker 3 (27:56):
I kept watching. An elder in the in the neighborhood
was saying to me one time, she said, you know
I knew my husband? Was she know me all the time?
Speaker 4 (28:04):
You know?
Speaker 2 (28:04):
Pay?
Speaker 3 (28:04):
She said, you know what I used to do? She
just I used to get his clothes ready.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
He said, I would get.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
His hold ready.
Speaker 3 (28:11):
She said, I would get his clothes ready. She said,
while he's like, well, why are you keep getting me
ready to go out? She said, is ain't you going?
Speaker 2 (28:17):
She said, every she said he would go, I would
get this case, she said, so, she said.
Speaker 3 (28:21):
Soon later she said, he stopped. He stopped going.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
Mister Luke, what do you do when you know it,
you feel it, you sense it, you have the conversation,
you share your experience, and the person denies it.
Speaker 2 (28:37):
I think that the best thing to do when face
with someone who is denying it, that just goes to
show that the person is essentially they really don't want
to hurt you. They don't want to face the music,
they don't want to face the truth. And so what
you have to do is really create a continue to
create a safe space you know, for that relationship, because
(29:01):
you know there's really no way out but out right.
And so what you have to do is one figure
out what you want to do in the relationship. You know,
do you want to stay in this relationship? You want
to continue to create this narrow blinder? You know, if
I don't see it, it's not coming in my house.
It's really about how do you want to continue to
(29:25):
create the reality of your uh, create the reality around
your senses and your emotional awareness, because if you continue
to turn down the volume of your inner soul, it'll
just start to chip away at who you are. It is,
start to chip away at your own alignment. So it's
really about, Okay, can I am I going to wait
(29:47):
for this person to bring me the truth? Or am
I going to create a safe space in the relationship
so that we can continue to be honest and truthful
with one another. And once I receive the and see
the evidence, we can then chart a path forward. Hmm.
Speaker 1 (30:06):
So what I'm hearing you say and all of those words,
I'm gonna break it down for our listeners. When you
know you know, the question becomes what do you choose
to do about it? When you know you know, because
nobody's gonna say, yeah, I got another somebody over on
the side because they give me something new. Nobody's gonna
say that. No, And unless you catch them red handed,
(30:29):
chances are they're just going to be in denial. Miss
miss kiro let me ask you. I don't know if
you've had this experience. I'm ana, I'm gonna reframe your question.
I'm gonna reframe your question just a little bit. Okay,
you have, you have the conversation, you share your experience,
they deny it, and then the next day, you know,
(30:50):
I don't know if you know who Nancy Wilson is.
She she was a famous jazz singer and she sang
this song about guess who I saw today. So you
have the conversation with the person, they deny it, and
the next day, you mine in your business going to
the mall and they're at the outdoor restaurant. You see
(31:11):
your partner with another person. What do you do at
Miss twenty something? What do you do?
Speaker 4 (31:19):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (31:21):
What do I do?
Speaker 4 (31:22):
I think at that point? And this is kind of,
you know, piggybacking off of what you guys have been saying.
It's really just about like me making a choice for
myself and my mental health if this is am I
going to continue to deal with this? Or am I
going to do with us for me and my baby?
And you know, let the situation go. You know, like
(31:45):
it really just comes down to that. For me in
that moment, I would, you know, obviously, be very hurt
and upset. And it's easier said than done to just leave,
you know, a situation that you know that you are
really invested in. But I think it's just really you know,
about making a decision. You know, it's just like they
(32:07):
made a decision to cheat. You have to make a
decision about what's best for you.
Speaker 1 (32:13):
So do you walk over and let them, let your
partner know you saw him. Do you walk over and
let your partner know, maybe introduce yourself. Do you do that?
Speaker 4 (32:23):
I feel like I would. I feel like I would
go over there and say something, but my energy would
not be directed towards the girl. It would definitely be directed. Yeah,
I would definitely make a conscious effort of that because
she it's not my issue isn't with you, It's with him,
you know what I mean. So that's something that I
know that I have to be aware of.
Speaker 1 (32:46):
So many people my age and younger need to understand
that because they go after the other person as opposed
to going after their partner. Mispat do you make yourself known?
Do you introduce yourself to to the to the person.
Speaker 3 (33:03):
No to no to my significant other? Yes, after I wouldn't.
I have nothing to do with that woman. That's none
of my business.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
Okay, mister loop, do you do you introduce yourself and
let your partner know that you've seen them?
Speaker 5 (33:18):
Honestly, I'm very non confrontational, to be quite honest with you,
I most likely just, you know, just walk away, really
because at that point, you know, it's really it's really
just confirmation and what introducing yourself and you know, and
letting making yourself known is it's not necessarily going to
(33:44):
shift the needle too much, right, It's more mostly about
I saw this, this is what I saw, and you know,
I would just kind of walk away and just take
a deep breath and just kind of keep planning. You know,
I'm very strategical about a lot of what I do.
Speaker 1 (34:05):
Well, I'm glad to hear that from a man's point
of view, because as a woman, I would walk right
up to the table and introduce myself. I certainly would.
As a matter of fact, I have done it. I
have done it. Walk right up and introduce myself. Forget
my shopping at the mall. I would be home packing
(34:25):
your clothes and they would be out on the front
lawn and the lock would be changed when you got there.
Now that's just me. I'm a woman. But I thank
you for your perspective, mister Luke. No, no, m you
don't get the Well, the other thing I would really
want to do. The reason I would go to the
table is because I want to know who you are.
You could be a friend from work, you could be
(34:48):
a coworker, you could be a business partner. So I'm
going to do what mister Luke said. I'm going to
observe for a moment. I want to see how y'all
are talking, what y'all are doing. Are you sitting across
from each other, next to which other? I want to
kind of get a sense of that conversation because I
don't want to make a fool out of myself. And
then I'm going to walk right over and I'm going
(35:09):
to introduce myself and I'm going to ask the other person, hi,
and you are yeah, I certainly am, because I'm not
going to give you the space you see. For me,
choice is the sacred geometry of power. How I put
my choices together, and the actions that I take in
(35:33):
making a choice is going to either empower me or
disempower me. Now, if I don't get clear about who
this person is, you've already lied to me. I sense it,
I see it, I feel it, I know it. I've
raised with you my experience. You've either ignored, diminished, dismissed,
or denied. Now I see you with you, know Shaquita
(35:55):
at the outdoor cafe. I'm not going to give you
the opportunity to lie to me again. I'm gonna walk
right up to you, Hey, sweetie, how you doing? Maybe
kiss you on your forehead, and I'm gonna turn to
the other person and I'm gonna say I'm as I
am so and so his wife, and your name is
oh okay, and enjoy your lunch. Now that's just me.
(36:17):
Now that's confrontation. I don't know, but I'm I'm going
to find out who you are. Now that's just me, okay.
And like you said, mister Luke, it is confirmation. And
if I had been doing what miss pat was doing,
which is praying for clarity, praying for direction, praying for courage,
(36:38):
and two days later this thing would be revealed to me.
I'm gonna say, thank you God. Here it is. Here's
the clarity, this is what I prayed for. But that's
just me. I'm all pay me no mind. So that's
it for today's episode of the Art Spot. We've talked
a lot today about some signs and you have a
(37:00):
cheating partner and the roadmap you should take if you
feel your partner is cheating on you, But how can
you move forward after the cheating is exposed. Join me
and my co host and panelists next week as we
dive into that part of the soup. In the meantime,
(37:22):
stay in peace and not in piece it Fine. The
r Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
(37:42):
favorite show.
Host
Iyanla Vanzant
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