May 7, 2020 • 24 mins
Ron dishes on the most exciting headlines of his career.
CREDITS:
Host, Writer, and Executive Producer: Ron Burgundy
Co-host, Writer and Producer: Carolina Barlow
Producer: Nick Stumpf
Talent Producer: Anna Hossnieh
Writers: Andrew Steele and Jake Fogelnest
Engineered, Mixed and Edited by Nick Stumpf
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Non burgun Day, Ron burg and day talking and singing anything.
Hello out there, my name is Ron Burgundy, and you
are listening to the Ron Burgundy Podcast. Today we are
going to slow things down a bit and reminisce over
some enjoyable moments from my wonderful career in broadcasting as
(00:24):
I look back at my five favorite news stories from
the past half century. I've covered a lot of news
over the years and have been in the middle of
some real exciting stories moon Landings, Watergate, O J. Simpson.
The list goes on and on. The first Batman premiere,
the Girl in the well Y two, k Amelia Earhart,
(00:46):
so many stories. The Miracle on Ice? How could I
forget that one? Not to dwell on the Miracle on Ice, which,
for those of you who don't remember, was when the
American hockey team be the much favored Russian hockey team
in the nineteen eighty Olympics. It was considered a miracle
at the time because the Russian team was the heavy favorite.
(01:09):
But anyway, this is getting off track for a second,
but I I can't help just mentioning it. Broadcaster al
Michaels always gets credit for his amazing line as the
game clock was ticking down? Do you believe in miracles?
Which made it onto a lot of T shirts at
the time, and frankly, I I think it was a
lot of horses. I know L. I see him around
(01:32):
from time to time. We we had a time share
condo and Veil Colorado in the nineteen nineties along with
Linda Ronstadt and Genie Garth from Beverly Hills. One Oh,
but man, that guy sure would burn my bridges. And
here's why. I was broadcasting the nine eight hockey game
for the radio at the time, and as the clock
(01:54):
was ticking down, I yelled out, well, folks, it looks
like the Americans are slip sliding away to victory. What
you gotta admit was a pretty cool thing to say.
I took a very popular Paul Simon song at the
time called slip Sliding Away, and I put it into
a hockey context. I really thought that would make buttons
(02:16):
and T shirts and bumper stickers and I would be
famous for that. But no, L. Michael's got all of
the glory, and he used to rub it in my
face when he saw me in airports or hotel lounges.
I got back at him, though his family would always
get the condo we shared the week after I had it,
(02:36):
So every time I left the condo, I would close
up all the windows and doors, really seal it up tight,
and then I would lay down ten or fifteen Ron
Burgundy style farts, real bottom of the dumpster kind of stuff.
I would cover the whole condo and farts and then
get out before I fainted. It worked like a real charm.
(02:58):
I would get these angry calls from how Michael's about
how I made his whole family throw up, and I
would just laugh my pants off. Funny stuff. But anyway,
I got way off track there. Once again, Today's show
is once again. Today's show is about my five favorite
news stories I've covered, and believe me, you'll want to
(03:19):
stay with me for this one. As always, I am
joined by my co host and friend Carolina. Carolina, how
are you today? Oh, I'm great, Ron. I'm actually kind
of excited to hear about your favorite stories. I mean,
we usually just have a guest or two on the show,
and you never know how that's going to go. I mean,
we've actually made some terrible shows in the past, but
(03:40):
today is just you and me and your top favorite
news stories of all time. Thank you, Carolina. I will
say this tiny thing that doesn't really matter, but I
have a little bit of a headache today. Oh I'm
sorry to hear that. Can I get you anything, like
some aspirin or something? Can we get Okay? No, no,
but thanks. It's it's really a trifling matter, right. I
(04:02):
don't know if if you know this, but I've always
been able to block out pain and stay focused on
the job that needs to be done. Pain has no
power over a strong mind. Pain is something you can
totally put aside if you need it. Oh really not
not me. I get the slightest little cut or a
coal or something, and it just consumes me. I can't
(04:22):
work or do anything. I just shut down. Well that's
because you're not a professional like I am. In my business.
You are trained from the first day you hit the
news desk to never lose your focus and concentrate on
the matter at hand. In the news game, people depend
on you, and I've always been able to push away
any pain and do my job. You'll learn it's it's
(04:43):
no big deal. You're you're very young, and you you
will learn to cast aside pain. Hopefully, I won't have to.
So should we get started with today's show? You bet so?
Is it going to be like a countdown of your
top five news stories of all time? Uh? So many
great stories I have covered, so it was it was
really hard to narrow it down just to five, but
(05:05):
I gave it my best shot. Uh. Should we get started? Yeah,
I'm ready? Okay? Then coming in at number five of
the top five news stories I have covered in my
long and illustrious career is one second time? You know,
if you or Nick could run out and just grab
(05:25):
me some headache pills that that would be great. Not
really bothering me, but just in case I need them later,
you know what I mean? Sure I can send out
for them, no problem. Really, what do you like? Advil, Thailan,
all Bear, a Leave, Etceteran, Motron Generic? What do you like?
There are so many brands out there. I like Generic myself.
I think they do the job. Just find out like
half the price. Saving money is important, right, But really,
(05:47):
anything you want, we can get it. What do you like?
I would like you to stop talking. I'm so sorry. Yeah,
that that was unnecessary. I'll be honest. Ache has developed
into quite a little stinger and I just need to
block it out and get on with the show. I'll
just get someone on staff to run out and get
(06:08):
a bunch of meds. Okay, but tell them to beat
feet in the meantime. Before we get started, I'm just
gonna go through my usual pain management routine. What does
it bear with me? Okay, Roun, you are in pain,
block it out. Don't think about the pain. You have
(06:31):
a headache. Close your eyes. It's in your mind. It's
not real. That headache is not real. Relax, relax your mind.
People at home don't need to hear this, but it's okay.
They understand you are willing away the pain with your
(06:54):
powerful mind. The headache is almost gone. It's going away.
Think about lambs playfully bouncing around a green field and
far off Nova Scotia, fluffy kitty cats bouncing and tumbling
and bumbling on a cotton pillow. It's soft, so soft.
(07:16):
Headache is almost gone. There's no need to worry. Now.
Mama's gonna buy you a brand new bag that in
the pegs and apple pie, and if that apple pie
could sing, Momma's gonna get you a wedding ring. Okay,
(07:36):
it's not working. My meditation technique is not working today.
So much for that class. That was really a guy
you meet on the street, a thousand bucks cash for
a fool proof meditation class and it's a bust go figure.
And now, gosh darna, if this headache isn't even worse, Yeah,
(07:57):
that was hunting. Should we just we can just take
break or something. If you're not feeling well? What No,
don't be silly. I've I've I've got it managed. The
show must go on. The number five best news stories
I've ever covered. Start the drum roll. Number five, the
disappearance of Chitter Chatter, the spider monkey. Oh my mom
(08:18):
told me all about that one. No, I don't doubt it, Carolina.
The year was nine in the world was about to
be turned on its head. The San Diego Zoo, that
wonderful institution of animal preservation and scientific research, was hit
with a crime so devious and so underhanded that it
is literally something only talked about in whispers in San
Diego to this day. And I was right there in
(08:41):
the middle of it. The shocking abduction of Chitter Chatter,
the most beloved spider monkey in all of the world.
I'll never forget that day. Hold up, did someone go
out and get those headache pills the ones I asked
for like an hour ago. There, Yeah, they're getting them.
Not good enough. They should be here now, they'll be
here very you soon here. Why don't you have some water?
(09:03):
Because water is magic. Water cures headaches with just a
few SIPs. Great idea, Carolina. Hey everyone, Carolina is a
magical doctor from Fairyland who can cure headaches with water,
and who has a degree from Wizard College and far
off make Believe Land. What what? Why are you looking
at me like that? I'm sorry. I lost my temper.
(09:28):
Very rarely do that, of course. It's just well, it's
just as headache is proving to be a little bit
of a demon, nasty little head demon. You ever had
a headache, Carolina? Oh my god, I get them all
the time. Yesterday I was driving on the freeway, just
stuck in the worst traffic, and cars were honking all
around me, and my head was just pounding like crazy,
(09:49):
and the radio was playing and I could see my
exit up ahead, but there was just so much traffic
that the whole time. Okay, Carolina, no need for a
whole story. I just asked you if you ever got headaches.
I I didn't ask you to read a books on
tape to me. Okay, once again I lost my temper
and I apologize. I do apologize. You are a wonderful person.
(10:10):
Just right now, because of the way my head is feeling,
I'm a little bit saucy, that's all. Should we just
try and get through the show until those pills come.
Great idea, great idea. Let's see. Where was I? Oh, yes, yes,
it was true. Chitter chatter, the spider monkey had been
stolen from his cage at the zoo. I was at
the news desk when the story came over the wire.
I was, in fact the first to report it, before Mantooth,
(10:34):
before the local guys, before the national news even picked
it up. It was my story, and I took hold
of it like a dog going after a guy's wiener.
I could tell from the beginning the police were going
to need help, so I jumped right into the news
van and headed down to the world famous San Diego Zoo,
that bastion of environmental study, the place where people can
(10:57):
eat corn dogs and watch guerrillas throwing that each other
in a hundred degree heat. Real science type stuff. When
I got there, I noticed something right away. Hey, where
the fudge are those pills? Huh? Okay, now we're getting somewhere.
Let's see. Should we take a break while you take
(11:19):
your meds? No, no need, I just pop a few
and then back to the show. Let's see one second,
just trying to open this bottle? Can I help? I
got it? I got it? Geez. Anyway, chitter Chatter was
(11:43):
you know, spider monkey. They're not the biggest monkey, so
maybe give me a try pretty hard. If I know
I've got it, I've got it. Just it should be
a simple thing. It's not, though they can be hard.
Maybe I think I've got it. It's it's it's one
of those squeeze on a turn, getting closer here, gosh,
(12:05):
turn it. It's a real head scratcher. Oh there it
is got to Nope, why don't you just give it
to me? What do you think I can't open it?
Give me a break? I'm Ron Burgundy. Um we should
go to a commercial break? Why no, we shouldn't. Where
(12:40):
was I in the story? Okay, shitter chattered. The spider
monkey had been stolen from this little monkey cage, and
it was up to me to find the people who
did it. I noticed one thing right away, something that
something the police didn't see. But as a news anchor,
I have a sixth sense about these things, and I
(13:01):
noticed something that made my spidy senses tingle. There was
a leather glove laying next to the cage. The leather
was a soft Cordovian Moroccan leather, finally tanned and stitched,
more than likely by a high toned English glover, probably
along Carnebi Street. Upon further investigation, the glove held yet
(13:25):
another God this bottle will not open. Please run, let
me try, Let me try to shut up your stupid
Oh okay, whoa, whoa, Okay. Let's let let me be
the first to apologize for that that was completely unnecessary
(13:47):
and most definitely brought on by this horrific headache and
this torturous bottle. It's it's like the makers of this
bottle are trying to get me to kill myself. Definitely
not it. You can actually think the Poison Prevention Act
of nineteen seventy for that bottle. Why would I think
anyone for this bottle? No, I mean it's because of
the Poison Prevention Act of nineteen seventy that we have
(14:10):
child proof medicine bottles. Well, look who studied in school.
I hate to bust your bubble over there, dock, but
this bottle is not child proof. No human could open it?
Could I please just try? Oh? Sure, be my guess
I would laugh. But my head feels like someone took
an axe to it. I can't really describe how awful
(14:31):
my head feels. It's it's on fire, or it's like
someone is squeezing it in a huge vice. But but
if you want to look stupid trying to open this bottle,
go ahead. This this MANI torture devices all years, so
go for it. Here you go. They're see you just
(14:53):
have to push down and twist. Okay, but I did
do that. I did. I did that a million times.
You must have just un lucky. Why don't you just
take your pills? Okay, but first I'm putting this cat
back on and I'm pushing it down and twisting like
you said, no, don't run. I can't believe you didn't
just take a couple before closing that. Again, if this
(15:14):
is as easy as you say, I'll have my pills
faster than you can sing. Slip slide new way. Okay,
so I'm pushing and twisting, pushing. It doesn't need to
be that hard. Twisting, pushing, twisting, pushing twisting a pushing twisting.
(15:44):
They should give this to a terrorist at Gitmo. This
is a hundred times more painful than water boarding. I
have been waterboarded, by the way, and this is worse.
Let me do it again and I will get you
your pills and then I'll give the bottle right back
to you. You think I'm an idiot? Is that what
you think? Do you think I'm a child with no brain?
I can do this push and twist? Nope, one more try,
(16:09):
push and twist? Are you crying? Are you crying again?
I'm not Can someone in Nick? Can we just get
run three pills and bring them to him on a plate? No,
nobody come in this room. I'm going to open this bottle,
(16:32):
but not the second. I don't like showing off. I'll
do it later, maybe at home. Are you sure you're
gonna do it later at home in private? I don't
know if you do. You want to get sucked in
the face. Okay? That was you know what? That was
just my frustration with this whole situation. Everyone has created
around me. And what I want to do is finish
the story and forget the dumb bottle of headache pills.
(16:55):
Where was I? Um? You found a glove outside the
monkey cake. Each were not just any glove. The label
inside the glove Mr guys Men's Shop. Now, for anyone
growing up in Santiago at the time, you you would
know that Mr. Guys Men's Shop was the finest men's
shop in the whole town. It's where I shopped, It's
(17:19):
where Hall of Famer Tony Gwyn shop. Basically, it's where
you win if you wanted to look classy. Anyhoo. I
told the police about the glove, but they seemed uninterested.
So I took the glove down to Mr Guy's Men's shop.
Heavens to Murgatroy, great deal of pain. You don't want
(17:41):
me to This isn't a normal headache and and and
confound this bottle. Sweet, Holy Mother of God, all I
want to do is get three little pills inside this
satanic container. Right, took the glove down to Mr Guy's
Men's shop, and I asked Don Parl her own, the
proprietor and my good friend, if he could remember who
(18:04):
had sold the glove to run. Yes, Carolina, what is it?
I'm sorry your hand is bleeding. I know that my
hand is bleeding. Why I have a bleeding hand. I've
been twisting and pushing down on this bottle top for
a long time, and now my hand is bleeding. I
know this sounds crazy, but I'm I'm hoping I pass
out from the blood loss. That way I won't feel
(18:24):
this headache anymore. Makes sense? Good, It's just that it's
taking you a long time to get through the one story,
the story of the missing monkey jitter Chatter, and he
was a spider monkey and not just a monkey. It
consumed a nation for many days, and as you will
soon see, I cracked the case. I'm just saying, maybe
we can postpone this great, this great story till another time,
(18:47):
maybe when you don't have a headache, and when we
get something on your hand, when your hand is not bleeding.
Wouldn't that be convenient? You just don't want me to
open this medicine bottle. I know what kind of game
you're playing, young lady, and you're not getting one over
on me. Back to my number five news story of
(19:16):
all time, the theft of chitter Chat or the Spider Monkey.
I took the glove down to Don Parlelone and asked
him if he could remember who he sold the glove too.
And here's where the story takes an interesting turn. Do
you know what he said, Carolina? He said he sold
the gloves to me? Did you hear that to me?
A mysterious glove found at the Missing Spider monkeys cage? Yes,
(19:41):
chitter chatter, the spider monkey. The leather glove found at
the scene of the crime was mine. It was clear
someone was trying to set me up. Who would try
and set me up? I had a lot of enemies
in those days. I was handsome and I was number one,
So yes, I had my share of enemies. Tom Broke
all hated me. Pia Zadora, Peter Fonda, Alan Alda, Pat Nixon,
(20:05):
Ronald Reagan, Andy Williams, Manfred Man and his Whole Earth Band,
Carl Sagan, Dolly Parton, Ed McMahon, Dick Butkus, Song and
Dance Man, Sammy Davis Jr. The Osmonds, and the Jackson
So so many enemies when I look back on at
Carolina had had a lot of enemies back then, but
none more aggravating and dangerous than this little bottle of
(20:28):
aspir Laughing about it, I have to laugh about it.
If I didn't, I would blow my brains out, because
the pain of this headache is so great and the
fact that I can't get these pills is so horrific
and torturous that I can only laugh. Sometimes they say
laughter is the best medicine, But but you know what
(20:49):
I think. I think the best medicine is in this
little bottle that I can't open. And one day, when
I do get it open and I'm all better, I'm
gonna track I'm the guy who made this bottle cap
and I'm gonna beat his face in with a sewing machine,
something heavy enough to do real damage, but not so
heavy that I can't swing it around. You know what
I'm saying. I think maybe you're letting this headache get
(21:12):
the best of you. And I hold that thought. I've
got a good feeling. I've got it now. I still
can't open it. I can do it's less. What are
you doing? What are you doing with your shoe? I
(21:35):
have had that, Holy Mother of Saint Godfrey, I have
had all of this. I'm going to take today and
this little bottle is going to get off the goods.
This insanity stops right now. Yes, yes, a thrown Burgundy
(21:55):
one headache pill bottle zero. I have defeated you. Your
days of making a fool of me are over. Do
you hear me? You shall not mock me another minute.
These pills, these many pills scattered on the floor mine. Now,
can I have one of those? Roun Yes, Carolina? Is
(22:21):
it over? Yes, it's over? Oh and by the way,
do you want to know how my number five news
story of all time ended? Nonsense? It took me a
long time to think of who would want to frame
me with that glove, and then it hit me. The
(22:42):
night before Chitter Chatter, the spider Monkey had been stolen
from the zoo. I had been out drinking with some
of the news crew, just a regular night out of
the town with some of the boys, but at some
point someone blurted out something like, let's break into the zoo. Well,
sure enough, we broke into the zoo, about eight of us,
and I guess I was just showing off a bit,
but I decided to steal that spider monkey for myself.
(23:06):
I had always wanted a spider monkey, but getting one
was illegal. So I figured I would just steal one.
So you stole chitter Chatter? Yes, yes I did. I
was the first to report he was missing, and I
was the first to report he was returned because I
had him in the trunk of my car the whole time.
Not only did I report the news for that story,
(23:27):
I was the news. How about that? And that's why
the theft of chitter Chatter comes in at number five
on my all time Greatest news Stories I've ever covered. Amazing, right, um, yes, amazing,
coming in at number four, Ron, We're at a Time.
(23:53):
The Ron Burgundy Podcast is a production of I Heart Radio.
I'm Ron Burgundy. Host, writer at executive producer. Carolina Barlow
is my co host, writer and producer. Our producer is
Nick Stone. Our talent coordinator is Anna Hosnier. Writers are
Andrew Steele and Jake fogo Best. This episode was engineered, mixed,
(24:15):
and edited by Nick Stone. Until next time, This is
Ron Burgundy.
Non burgun Day, Ron burg and day talking and singing anything.
Hello out there, my name is Ron Burgundy, and you
are listening to the Ron Burgundy Podcast. Today we are
going to slow things down a bit and reminisce over
some enjoyable moments from my wonderful career in broadcasting as
(00:24):
I look back at my five favorite news stories from
the past half century. I've covered a lot of news
over the years and have been in the middle of
some real exciting stories moon Landings, Watergate, O J. Simpson.
The list goes on and on. The first Batman premiere,
the Girl in the well Y two, k Amelia Earhart,
(00:46):
so many stories. The Miracle on Ice? How could I
forget that one? Not to dwell on the Miracle on Ice, which,
for those of you who don't remember, was when the
American hockey team be the much favored Russian hockey team
in the nineteen eighty Olympics. It was considered a miracle
at the time because the Russian team was the heavy favorite.
(01:09):
But anyway, this is getting off track for a second,
but I I can't help just mentioning it. Broadcaster al
Michaels always gets credit for his amazing line as the
game clock was ticking down? Do you believe in miracles?
Which made it onto a lot of T shirts at
the time, and frankly, I I think it was a
lot of horses. I know L. I see him around
(01:32):
from time to time. We we had a time share
condo and Veil Colorado in the nineteen nineties along with
Linda Ronstadt and Genie Garth from Beverly Hills. One Oh,
but man, that guy sure would burn my bridges. And
here's why. I was broadcasting the nine eight hockey game
for the radio at the time, and as the clock
(01:54):
was ticking down, I yelled out, well, folks, it looks
like the Americans are slip sliding away to victory. What
you gotta admit was a pretty cool thing to say.
I took a very popular Paul Simon song at the
time called slip Sliding Away, and I put it into
a hockey context. I really thought that would make buttons
(02:16):
and T shirts and bumper stickers and I would be
famous for that. But no, L. Michael's got all of
the glory, and he used to rub it in my
face when he saw me in airports or hotel lounges.
I got back at him, though his family would always
get the condo we shared the week after I had it,
(02:36):
So every time I left the condo, I would close
up all the windows and doors, really seal it up tight,
and then I would lay down ten or fifteen Ron
Burgundy style farts, real bottom of the dumpster kind of stuff.
I would cover the whole condo and farts and then
get out before I fainted. It worked like a real charm.
(02:58):
I would get these angry calls from how Michael's about
how I made his whole family throw up, and I
would just laugh my pants off. Funny stuff. But anyway,
I got way off track there. Once again, Today's show
is once again. Today's show is about my five favorite
news stories I've covered, and believe me, you'll want to
(03:19):
stay with me for this one. As always, I am
joined by my co host and friend Carolina. Carolina, how
are you today? Oh, I'm great, Ron. I'm actually kind
of excited to hear about your favorite stories. I mean,
we usually just have a guest or two on the show,
and you never know how that's going to go. I mean,
we've actually made some terrible shows in the past, but
(03:40):
today is just you and me and your top favorite
news stories of all time. Thank you, Carolina. I will
say this tiny thing that doesn't really matter, but I
have a little bit of a headache today. Oh I'm
sorry to hear that. Can I get you anything, like
some aspirin or something? Can we get Okay? No, no,
but thanks. It's it's really a trifling matter, right. I
(04:02):
don't know if if you know this, but I've always
been able to block out pain and stay focused on
the job that needs to be done. Pain has no
power over a strong mind. Pain is something you can
totally put aside if you need it. Oh really not
not me. I get the slightest little cut or a
coal or something, and it just consumes me. I can't
(04:22):
work or do anything. I just shut down. Well that's
because you're not a professional like I am. In my business.
You are trained from the first day you hit the
news desk to never lose your focus and concentrate on
the matter at hand. In the news game, people depend
on you, and I've always been able to push away
any pain and do my job. You'll learn it's it's
(04:43):
no big deal. You're you're very young, and you you
will learn to cast aside pain. Hopefully, I won't have to.
So should we get started with today's show? You bet so?
Is it going to be like a countdown of your
top five news stories of all time? Uh? So many
great stories I have covered, so it was it was
really hard to narrow it down just to five, but
(05:05):
I gave it my best shot. Uh. Should we get started? Yeah,
I'm ready? Okay? Then coming in at number five of
the top five news stories I have covered in my
long and illustrious career is one second time? You know,
if you or Nick could run out and just grab
(05:25):
me some headache pills that that would be great. Not
really bothering me, but just in case I need them later,
you know what I mean? Sure I can send out
for them, no problem. Really, what do you like? Advil, Thailan,
all Bear, a Leave, Etceteran, Motron Generic? What do you like?
There are so many brands out there. I like Generic myself.
I think they do the job. Just find out like
half the price. Saving money is important, right, But really,
(05:47):
anything you want, we can get it. What do you like?
I would like you to stop talking. I'm so sorry. Yeah,
that that was unnecessary. I'll be honest. Ache has developed
into quite a little stinger and I just need to
block it out and get on with the show. I'll
just get someone on staff to run out and get
(06:08):
a bunch of meds. Okay, but tell them to beat
feet in the meantime. Before we get started, I'm just
gonna go through my usual pain management routine. What does
it bear with me? Okay, Roun, you are in pain,
block it out. Don't think about the pain. You have
(06:31):
a headache. Close your eyes. It's in your mind. It's
not real. That headache is not real. Relax, relax your mind.
People at home don't need to hear this, but it's okay.
They understand you are willing away the pain with your
(06:54):
powerful mind. The headache is almost gone. It's going away.
Think about lambs playfully bouncing around a green field and
far off Nova Scotia, fluffy kitty cats bouncing and tumbling
and bumbling on a cotton pillow. It's soft, so soft.
(07:16):
Headache is almost gone. There's no need to worry. Now.
Mama's gonna buy you a brand new bag that in
the pegs and apple pie, and if that apple pie
could sing, Momma's gonna get you a wedding ring. Okay,
(07:36):
it's not working. My meditation technique is not working today.
So much for that class. That was really a guy
you meet on the street, a thousand bucks cash for
a fool proof meditation class and it's a bust go figure.
And now, gosh darna, if this headache isn't even worse, Yeah,
(07:57):
that was hunting. Should we just we can just take
break or something. If you're not feeling well? What No,
don't be silly. I've I've I've got it managed. The
show must go on. The number five best news stories
I've ever covered. Start the drum roll. Number five, the
disappearance of Chitter Chatter, the spider monkey. Oh my mom
(08:18):
told me all about that one. No, I don't doubt it, Carolina.
The year was nine in the world was about to
be turned on its head. The San Diego Zoo, that
wonderful institution of animal preservation and scientific research, was hit
with a crime so devious and so underhanded that it
is literally something only talked about in whispers in San
Diego to this day. And I was right there in
(08:41):
the middle of it. The shocking abduction of Chitter Chatter,
the most beloved spider monkey in all of the world.
I'll never forget that day. Hold up, did someone go
out and get those headache pills the ones I asked
for like an hour ago. There, Yeah, they're getting them.
Not good enough. They should be here now, they'll be
here very you soon here. Why don't you have some water?
(09:03):
Because water is magic. Water cures headaches with just a
few SIPs. Great idea, Carolina. Hey everyone, Carolina is a
magical doctor from Fairyland who can cure headaches with water,
and who has a degree from Wizard College and far
off make Believe Land. What what? Why are you looking
at me like that? I'm sorry. I lost my temper.
(09:28):
Very rarely do that, of course. It's just well, it's
just as headache is proving to be a little bit
of a demon, nasty little head demon. You ever had
a headache, Carolina? Oh my god, I get them all
the time. Yesterday I was driving on the freeway, just
stuck in the worst traffic, and cars were honking all
around me, and my head was just pounding like crazy,
(09:49):
and the radio was playing and I could see my
exit up ahead, but there was just so much traffic
that the whole time. Okay, Carolina, no need for a
whole story. I just asked you if you ever got headaches.
I I didn't ask you to read a books on
tape to me. Okay, once again I lost my temper
and I apologize. I do apologize. You are a wonderful person.
(10:10):
Just right now, because of the way my head is feeling,
I'm a little bit saucy, that's all. Should we just
try and get through the show until those pills come.
Great idea, great idea. Let's see. Where was I? Oh, yes, yes,
it was true. Chitter chatter, the spider monkey had been
stolen from his cage at the zoo. I was at
the news desk when the story came over the wire.
I was, in fact the first to report it, before Mantooth,
(10:34):
before the local guys, before the national news even picked
it up. It was my story, and I took hold
of it like a dog going after a guy's wiener.
I could tell from the beginning the police were going
to need help, so I jumped right into the news
van and headed down to the world famous San Diego Zoo,
that bastion of environmental study, the place where people can
(10:57):
eat corn dogs and watch guerrillas throwing that each other
in a hundred degree heat. Real science type stuff. When
I got there, I noticed something right away. Hey, where
the fudge are those pills? Huh? Okay, now we're getting somewhere.
Let's see. Should we take a break while you take
(11:19):
your meds? No, no need, I just pop a few
and then back to the show. Let's see one second,
just trying to open this bottle? Can I help? I
got it? I got it? Geez. Anyway, chitter Chatter was
(11:43):
you know, spider monkey. They're not the biggest monkey, so
maybe give me a try pretty hard. If I know
I've got it, I've got it. Just it should be
a simple thing. It's not, though they can be hard.
Maybe I think I've got it. It's it's it's one
of those squeeze on a turn, getting closer here, gosh,
(12:05):
turn it. It's a real head scratcher. Oh there it
is got to Nope, why don't you just give it
to me? What do you think I can't open it?
Give me a break? I'm Ron Burgundy. Um we should
go to a commercial break? Why no, we shouldn't. Where
(12:40):
was I in the story? Okay, shitter chattered. The spider
monkey had been stolen from this little monkey cage, and
it was up to me to find the people who
did it. I noticed one thing right away, something that
something the police didn't see. But as a news anchor,
I have a sixth sense about these things, and I
(13:01):
noticed something that made my spidy senses tingle. There was
a leather glove laying next to the cage. The leather
was a soft Cordovian Moroccan leather, finally tanned and stitched,
more than likely by a high toned English glover, probably
along Carnebi Street. Upon further investigation, the glove held yet
(13:25):
another God this bottle will not open. Please run, let
me try, Let me try to shut up your stupid
Oh okay, whoa, whoa, Okay. Let's let let me be
the first to apologize for that that was completely unnecessary
(13:47):
and most definitely brought on by this horrific headache and
this torturous bottle. It's it's like the makers of this
bottle are trying to get me to kill myself. Definitely
not it. You can actually think the Poison Prevention Act
of nineteen seventy for that bottle. Why would I think
anyone for this bottle? No, I mean it's because of
the Poison Prevention Act of nineteen seventy that we have
(14:10):
child proof medicine bottles. Well, look who studied in school.
I hate to bust your bubble over there, dock, but
this bottle is not child proof. No human could open it?
Could I please just try? Oh? Sure, be my guess
I would laugh. But my head feels like someone took
an axe to it. I can't really describe how awful
(14:31):
my head feels. It's it's on fire, or it's like
someone is squeezing it in a huge vice. But but
if you want to look stupid trying to open this bottle,
go ahead. This this MANI torture devices all years, so
go for it. Here you go. They're see you just
(14:53):
have to push down and twist. Okay, but I did
do that. I did. I did that a million times.
You must have just un lucky. Why don't you just
take your pills? Okay, but first I'm putting this cat
back on and I'm pushing it down and twisting like
you said, no, don't run. I can't believe you didn't
just take a couple before closing that. Again, if this
(15:14):
is as easy as you say, I'll have my pills
faster than you can sing. Slip slide new way. Okay,
so I'm pushing and twisting, pushing. It doesn't need to
be that hard. Twisting, pushing, twisting, pushing twisting a pushing twisting.
(15:44):
They should give this to a terrorist at Gitmo. This
is a hundred times more painful than water boarding. I
have been waterboarded, by the way, and this is worse.
Let me do it again and I will get you
your pills and then I'll give the bottle right back
to you. You think I'm an idiot? Is that what
you think? Do you think I'm a child with no brain?
I can do this push and twist? Nope, one more try,
(16:09):
push and twist? Are you crying? Are you crying again?
I'm not Can someone in Nick? Can we just get
run three pills and bring them to him on a plate? No,
nobody come in this room. I'm going to open this bottle,
(16:32):
but not the second. I don't like showing off. I'll
do it later, maybe at home. Are you sure you're
gonna do it later at home in private? I don't
know if you do. You want to get sucked in
the face. Okay? That was you know what? That was
just my frustration with this whole situation. Everyone has created
around me. And what I want to do is finish
the story and forget the dumb bottle of headache pills.
(16:55):
Where was I? Um? You found a glove outside the
monkey cake. Each were not just any glove. The label
inside the glove Mr guys Men's Shop. Now, for anyone
growing up in Santiago at the time, you you would
know that Mr. Guys Men's Shop was the finest men's
shop in the whole town. It's where I shopped, It's
(17:19):
where Hall of Famer Tony Gwyn shop. Basically, it's where
you win if you wanted to look classy. Anyhoo. I
told the police about the glove, but they seemed uninterested.
So I took the glove down to Mr Guy's Men's shop.
Heavens to Murgatroy, great deal of pain. You don't want
(17:41):
me to This isn't a normal headache and and and
confound this bottle. Sweet, Holy Mother of God, all I
want to do is get three little pills inside this
satanic container. Right, took the glove down to Mr Guy's
Men's shop, and I asked Don Parl her own, the
proprietor and my good friend, if he could remember who
(18:04):
had sold the glove to run. Yes, Carolina, what is it?
I'm sorry your hand is bleeding. I know that my
hand is bleeding. Why I have a bleeding hand. I've
been twisting and pushing down on this bottle top for
a long time, and now my hand is bleeding. I
know this sounds crazy, but I'm I'm hoping I pass
out from the blood loss. That way I won't feel
(18:24):
this headache anymore. Makes sense? Good, It's just that it's
taking you a long time to get through the one story,
the story of the missing monkey jitter Chatter, and he
was a spider monkey and not just a monkey. It
consumed a nation for many days, and as you will
soon see, I cracked the case. I'm just saying, maybe
we can postpone this great, this great story till another time,
(18:47):
maybe when you don't have a headache, and when we
get something on your hand, when your hand is not bleeding.
Wouldn't that be convenient? You just don't want me to
open this medicine bottle. I know what kind of game
you're playing, young lady, and you're not getting one over
on me. Back to my number five news story of
(19:16):
all time, the theft of chitter Chat or the Spider Monkey.
I took the glove down to Don Parlelone and asked
him if he could remember who he sold the glove too.
And here's where the story takes an interesting turn. Do
you know what he said, Carolina? He said he sold
the gloves to me? Did you hear that to me?
A mysterious glove found at the Missing Spider monkeys cage? Yes,
(19:41):
chitter chatter, the spider monkey. The leather glove found at
the scene of the crime was mine. It was clear
someone was trying to set me up. Who would try
and set me up? I had a lot of enemies
in those days. I was handsome and I was number one,
So yes, I had my share of enemies. Tom Broke
all hated me. Pia Zadora, Peter Fonda, Alan Alda, Pat Nixon,
(20:05):
Ronald Reagan, Andy Williams, Manfred Man and his Whole Earth Band,
Carl Sagan, Dolly Parton, Ed McMahon, Dick Butkus, Song and
Dance Man, Sammy Davis Jr. The Osmonds, and the Jackson
So so many enemies when I look back on at
Carolina had had a lot of enemies back then, but
none more aggravating and dangerous than this little bottle of
(20:28):
aspir Laughing about it, I have to laugh about it.
If I didn't, I would blow my brains out, because
the pain of this headache is so great and the
fact that I can't get these pills is so horrific
and torturous that I can only laugh. Sometimes they say
laughter is the best medicine, But but you know what
(20:49):
I think. I think the best medicine is in this
little bottle that I can't open. And one day, when
I do get it open and I'm all better, I'm
gonna track I'm the guy who made this bottle cap
and I'm gonna beat his face in with a sewing machine,
something heavy enough to do real damage, but not so
heavy that I can't swing it around. You know what
I'm saying. I think maybe you're letting this headache get
(21:12):
the best of you. And I hold that thought. I've
got a good feeling. I've got it now. I still
can't open it. I can do it's less. What are
you doing? What are you doing with your shoe? I
(21:35):
have had that, Holy Mother of Saint Godfrey, I have
had all of this. I'm going to take today and
this little bottle is going to get off the goods.
This insanity stops right now. Yes, yes, a thrown Burgundy
(21:55):
one headache pill bottle zero. I have defeated you. Your
days of making a fool of me are over. Do
you hear me? You shall not mock me another minute.
These pills, these many pills scattered on the floor mine. Now,
can I have one of those? Roun Yes, Carolina? Is
(22:21):
it over? Yes, it's over? Oh and by the way,
do you want to know how my number five news
story of all time ended? Nonsense? It took me a
long time to think of who would want to frame
me with that glove, and then it hit me. The
(22:42):
night before Chitter Chatter, the spider Monkey had been stolen
from the zoo. I had been out drinking with some
of the news crew, just a regular night out of
the town with some of the boys, but at some
point someone blurted out something like, let's break into the zoo. Well,
sure enough, we broke into the zoo, about eight of us,
and I guess I was just showing off a bit,
but I decided to steal that spider monkey for myself.
(23:06):
I had always wanted a spider monkey, but getting one
was illegal. So I figured I would just steal one.
So you stole chitter Chatter? Yes, yes I did. I
was the first to report he was missing, and I
was the first to report he was returned because I
had him in the trunk of my car the whole time.
Not only did I report the news for that story,
(23:27):
I was the news. How about that? And that's why
the theft of chitter Chatter comes in at number five
on my all time Greatest news Stories I've ever covered. Amazing, right, um, yes, amazing,
coming in at number four, Ron, We're at a Time.
(23:53):
The Ron Burgundy Podcast is a production of I Heart Radio.
I'm Ron Burgundy. Host, writer at executive producer. Carolina Barlow
is my co host, writer and producer. Our producer is
Nick Stone. Our talent coordinator is Anna Hosnier. Writers are
Andrew Steele and Jake fogo Best. This episode was engineered, mixed,
(24:15):
and edited by Nick Stone. Until next time, This is
Ron Burgundy.
Host
Will Ferrell
Popular Podcasts
40s and Free Agents: NFL Draft Season
Daniel Jeremiah of Move the Sticks and Gregg Rosenthal of NFL Daily join forces to break down every team's needs this offseason.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Bobby Bones Show
Listen to 'The Bobby Bones Show' by downloading the daily full replay.