December 13, 2019 • 34 mins
Ron and Carolina offer an in-depth analysis of Sade’s timeless classic, “Smooth Operator."
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
No need to bust. Smooth Operata, Smooth Operata, smooth operator.
Hello there, friend, I'm Ron Burgundy, and once again I
am podcasting. Welcome, Welcome, one and all, old and young,
(00:21):
blind and sighted, Welcome all of you. We discriminate against
no listener. You're probably noticed I started this episode by
singing a little bit of Sades single Smooth Operator. On
today's podcast, I Ron Burgundy have many, many thoughts to
(00:43):
share with you about the incomparable songstress Chardy, and I'll
be speaking about it in great detail. But first, let's
check in with the Burgundy pod Copter for a quick
traffic update. Jacob, he's up there, he's got his cans on.
What do you see up there? Do you mean our
(01:04):
p a, Jacob, because he's in the hall. We don't
what's it's a traffic helicopter, but since we're doing a podcast,
it's a podcapter. You just come up with this, because no, okay,
I didn't come up with this. This was part of
the package when I agreed to do a podcast, that
we would have a traffic helicopter. We'd call it the
(01:24):
pod Copter. We'd get up to the minute, real time
traffic updates. For listeners to be informed. So where is it?
Was it stolen? Did someone steal it? I don't think so.
You know what, good, I'm glad someone stole it. Do
you ever have one of those mornings when you just
wake up ready for street vengeance? Gasip your Sonata Carolina,
(01:49):
We've got a helicopter thief to catch listen. I told
you when we're planning this podcast, it just wouldn't makes
sense to do local traffic reports. It's really outdated. I mean,
people use the phones for that, and we don't even
know when people are listening to But when I turn
on AM radio, there's a traffic report, right, I mean
it's just so different, um than AM radio? Are you
(02:11):
talking about ways? Ways? Google Maps? Give me a break.
We just don't know when people are even listening to
this episode or where they might be listening to this. Um,
you know ways is out, it's on its ways out,
trust me, all right. I put all my money in
Thomas Maps, the Thomas Guide. It's a it's a thick
(02:33):
book of maps. Yeah, you just pull it out and
you know exactly where you're going. Really inconven well, you
have to drive with it on the dash. That's why
I have an easel, have a painter's easel in the
passenger seat in my of my car. So I put
my Thomas Guide and I just flipped through it. Oh
six or five freeway to the seven ten, No big deal,
Page G four. It's a grid system and then you
(02:56):
just find it. Boom. You don't have to mess with
your phone and ways and updates and all this stuff
like that. How many fender benders have you gotten in
the past year? This year was a great year. Very few,
less than twenty. Wow. My insurance team even called me.
That's where they sit that congratulatory basket, the Dean and
(03:19):
de Luca basket with the fine artists and coffees, coffees
from around the world. They are really proud of you,
I guess they said, I lord my rates by five
dollars this year. That's great that I've gone down from
twelve tho dollars a year. It's so much, so much
because I've been in a lot of fenderman as I
(03:40):
got it when when I've got to go where I
need to go out of my way. But yeah, people
could be listening to this anywhere. I mean, so we
don't have a helicopter. Can we can we just buy
a helicopter and just have it on standby on the
roof of the building. So out of our budget, let's
let's look into it. Let's crunch the numbers. We can
(04:01):
look into it. Great. Thank that's all I ask. Yeah,
but you know you've got me thinking, though, we really
have no idea how people listen to this podcast. I mean,
think about that. Perhaps they're driving, they're they're stuck in traffic,
looking for a little light entertainment on their morning commuter.
Maybe maybe it's the middle of the night and you
just had a drag out fight with your spouse and
(04:23):
words were exchanged that can never be on set, So
you just tore us out of your drive away in
a blind rage. The car stereo turned on automatically, and
here I am Ron Burgundy teasing a great monologue I
have coming up about shard Day. Meanwhile, your life is
crumbling sific word. Maybe you're listening on the treadmill getting
(04:45):
some exercise, feel that burn. Well, let me just say,
if that's what you're doing, you need to stop it.
Just knock it off. I'm sorry, I'm just trying to
do a professional podcast. Asked and now you've got all
these images of people listening to the show under what
I consider unacceptable circumstances. You know, you know what I'm
(05:08):
talking about, sweating at the gem like some kind of
filthy animal as I talk about chardon no thanks. Okay,
then should people be listening? You want to listen with
the lights dimmed in your den or study, and my soothing,
professional broadcasting voice coming out of expensive high fidelity audio equipment.
(05:33):
I'm talking huge six foot wooden cabinet speakers that cost
forty eight grand each, bare minimum audio equipment that's just
irresponsibly expensive, exactly the way I listened to four time
Grammy Award winning recording artist Chardy. I've written a poem
(05:56):
about her that I will be sharing later on the
podcast Necessary And I mean a lot of people just
listen on their computer, and frankly, I find that disrespectful
because think about it, we put a lot of effort
into this program, right, and it should be a first
class audio file experience. Last night, I was on my
house boat listening to Sads Diamond Life album right on
(06:19):
a turntable that costs more than your entire college education.
I just found myself mesmerized by the by the sound
bath that is shudd and I want our listeners to
have that same extremely relatable experience. I'm a listener and
I've never even been on a houseboat. Oh there are
(06:40):
a lot of fun and I'm not even that familiar
with I mean, you're kidding me, right, No, you don't
know this song. Smooth up the song we were saying
at the top of the really nothing boy. If there's
anyone who could benefit from a little more chard in
their life, it's you. Girlfriend. Hey, I will check out.
(07:01):
Thank you. That's all I'm asking. That's all I'm asking.
And I am I am slack jawed. I am gobsmacked
that you've never been on a houseboad. You don't need
to hang your mouth open like that, but that's the
physical effect that looks insane. I don't you're just opening
your mouth like you're about to eat it. I'm slack jawed.
(07:25):
I mean, just close your mouth. It's I get it.
You're surprised, you can say, Sam surprised my mouth is
open like this. I want to I want to finally
see if I can fit my whole fist into my mouth.
Oh all all, no, it's not just take it out please,
it's three all. Oh, that was so close. If I
(07:51):
work on that, that's going to happen. Maybe not the
most useful thing to work on with your time. You've
got to come down own to my house boat. That's it.
You've got to. Maybe we can have a holiday party,
(08:12):
even though it would just be me and you and
Nick on that would be great. That's all I'm asking
holiday party. Nick can come? No, it sounds like a
good time. I mean we would have to put it
in the books. We would have to come up with me.
Christmas night holiday party. Oh, I think Nick and I
are spending it with our respected family. So not not
actually on Christmas? Okay, how about Christmas Eve? Yeah, no,
(08:35):
that's like a special time that New Year's Eve, New
Year's Eve Day. I'll be spending that. We can watch football.
Oh I know I can't. I mean, I'm with my
my parents and my boyfriend. And do you have anyone
to spend these holidays? Of course I do. So many people.
Who are you spending it with? This year? It's still
(08:57):
in flux. Yes, the list is long. It's so long.
There's so many people. In fact, you know what I
forgot there's so many people coming. I I kind of
don't have room for you guys. So oh well, some
people drop out, then you guys can come to my
holiday party. Okay, thank you for the invite. Before we
(09:20):
dive into this, showed a song smooth operator. I just
want to think our sponsor, Kin Fernalds Audio Emporium, San
Diego's premier high end audio file dealership, mentioned offer code
ron capital o r in when you visit his store
for off waterproof speaker cables perfect for any house. Book.
(09:42):
That's kin Fernalds Auto Emporium located by the freeway, in fact,
under the freeway. It's just located under the freeway. Listen,
what we have advertisers that pay to be on the show.
We can't so we can't do I know. But it's
just like an under the table. It's not under the table.
(10:02):
But I can't tell you how much he gave me.
Well that sounds exactly what under the table means. I
told him I wouldn't announce it on the air. Okay,
he's paying me a pretty penny. Are you having money problems? No,
not not anymore. I mean, well, one checking account is overdrawn,
(10:24):
but the other one is fine now I just stopped
using it. But one is a little overdrawn, which is
why when do we get paid for this? We get
paid on the first Tuesday, not for at least a
couple of months. I did not need to hear that. Okay,
top Raman, it is for the holidays. By the way,
(10:46):
my party will be a top Raman party. Bring your
own top Ramen. We should get back to the right. No,
I know, but I just want to. I just want
to show you one thing. Look look what I got
from my house. About cool. It's a Google Assistant device.
It looks like a donut, but it's not. Trust me,
it's amazing. Asking anything, go ahead, Okay, don't be shy.
(11:13):
Hey Google, what's eight hundred and four times seven hundred
and twelve? The answer is five? Really a math problem, Carolina,
you're a nerd. Try something cooler here. Let me try something.
Hey Google, where do I find find cigars? I found
(11:36):
a few stores near you. You've been told repeatedly you
cannot smoke cigars in the studio. Hold on, hold on.
What does it say on my lapel pin that I
had personally customized? Um? It says I played by own rules.
(11:57):
It does Yeah. Oh, I played by own rules. I meant, well,
you know what I meant. I played by my own rules.
I'm supposed to put a B in the charge. Gosh,
I gotta take this back down to Danny at the
lapel pin kiosk ye. My point is I played by
(12:21):
my own rules, so you legally you can't tell me
what to do, right okay, And with that in mind,
you can't tell me to not take a commercial right here.
Let's go to a commercial intro for the commercial because
I played by own rules. Wait, it still works. I
played by own rules. You know what, I'm not gonna
(12:43):
take it to Danny. I'm gonna keep it. Let's go
to commercial. Welcome back to the Ron Burgundy Podcast. I'm
Ron Burgundy. I'm here with Carolina and you have downloaded?
(13:05):
Is that the right term selected? I just printed these
lyrics for you know, if you're listening to this podcast,
you have downloaded it a very special episode. Um, then
you have if you happen to just speed to the
middle of it and didn't start at the beginning. I
(13:26):
just want to remind the listener that we are going
to analyze my deep deep love for But before we
get going. There's just something I really need to tell you.
And this is delicate. I want to put this as
gently as possible, but Carolina, you are a terrible assistant.
(13:47):
Run I'm not your assistant. Whatever you are, you're awful
and replaceable. I don't think that's true. Listen, I'm not
going to replace you, but I want to show you something.
Hold on here, hey, Google, how many records? Has Chard
sold million albums? According to the Independent, the sixth highest
(14:08):
earner in the list, the name of the singer and
songwriter behind the four piece band of the same name.
Their career has spanned more than during which time they
have sold more than million. To argue with me said
it was a seven piece band, but some four people,
my Google assistant knows more about R and B songstress
Chard than you do. And that and that's got to
do something to your self esteem. I'm a human being,
(14:31):
not a small digital device that's connected to the entire
knowledge of the Internet. So well, that's your problem, that's
not mine. Okay, Roun, I'm excited you got a new toy.
It's not a toy. Google Assistant is a technological marvel.
I mean whatever. You just shouldn't be so rude. Hey Google,
I'm mad? Oh no, how can I help? Well, perhaps
(14:53):
you could explain to Carolina that she's overreacting a bit.
Maybe she feels a little threatened. Google, I am I'm
not threatened by you. Carolina watched this. Hey Google, I
love you. That's high praise coming from you. Finally someone
is giving me some respect around here. All right, all right,
(15:14):
let's get back to our our analysis of Smooth Operator. Yes,
we're going to go through lyric by lyric, and as
you said, crack the code of Smooth Operator, one of
the greatest songs ever written. Now, I just it's such
(15:34):
a it's a deep, it's a it's an interesting, interesting
analysis into what was going through her mind. I mean,
I think that she might have just been thinking of
how to write a hit pop song. Chard whose original
name was Florence Henderson. Oh, I think you're thinking of
(15:56):
up the Brady Bunch. Moom. Sorry, Okay, take a back
strict that from the record, your honor. Okay, we don't know,
one knows what her original name is. It might just
be her name. It could be it could be that
seems most likely. So I think what we'll do is
we'll just have Nick play this song line by line,
(16:19):
and we're just gonna stop it, and we're going to
really take a deep dive into analyzing the meaning of
what's going on with Smooth Operator. Great, let's begin Diamond
Love right here. You gotta love that beginning, very sultry. Yeah,
(16:45):
Diamond Love, Diamond Live another with oh this is oh,
this is spoken words. Okay, stop it right there? In
(17:11):
seven languages, No, in one in English. But that's where
she talked about seven languages there, so maybe she speaks
seven languages. She's trying to show off. It's maybe it's
just a lyric. Here's the thing. The language of love
can be spoken in any language. That sweet thank you, continue,
(17:35):
high sky, Heaven help him stop? Heaven help him? Help him? Okay,
what's going on with him? And who is him? We're
about to find out. I believe him as the Smooth Operator,
but I'm not sure, but Heaven help him. He's a
troubled soul. He's in trouble. Who's coming to the rescue? Heaven,
(18:00):
go ahead? Who stop? Diamond Life love her boy? Okay,
so Diamond Life. So he's a fluent he's a fluent
(18:20):
or he's used to the good. He's used to del
j vida, the good life, the good life. Yes, he
sounds like someone who has money to spend. He has
a diamond life. He's a lover boy, so not virginal,
but he's troubled. Heaven helped him, Heaven help him. This
(18:40):
it's so intriguing, getting a little complicated. It is as
dark a song as you'll ever listen to. Oh, I
don't know about that. I mean there's songs about diamond life.
Now this, this is is I'll put those up against
any of those songs. Okay, keep going, stays with maximum okay, stopping.
(19:07):
He moves in space with minimum waste and maximum joy.
Is he a ghost? I think we need to listen
to more. I don't know if it's that much. I'm
just I'm just taking it. I'm just going out on
a flyer. Here, I'm taking a flyer. Um. He could
be a ghost. Minimum waste could mean that maximum joy.
He moves in space. He moves in space. He doesn't
(19:30):
use his legs. He could be a rich little loverboy
who bought a hovercraft and it's just moving around very Yeah,
there could be a sci fi element, like in the
episode of Baby he's he's one of the Jetsons. Okay,
all right, Nick Hidden God Design. Okay, car Desire, I
(20:06):
study clay writing at Sarah Lawrence and we street car desires. Obviously,
Tennessee Williams play the street car name desire. Wait, there's
a guy named Tennessee. Yeah, that's his real name. Oh
my gosh, a stupid name. Exactly. So that's a reference
to him. When you require street car desire for higher heights,
(20:27):
street cars can't I'm so lost. Now, maybe she's talking
about San Francisco. Okay, maybe that's it. Maybe takes place
in San Francisco. Okay, you know what we'll commit to
that is left. Okay, yeah. Um. No place for beginners
(20:57):
or sensitive hearts. That's one of the first things you
told me when you hired me. Well, that's one of
my mantras. No place for the beginnings or sensitive hearts, Carolina,
if you're gonna work in the big time, I just
didn't know you got it from the song. Okay, let's
keep going. No need to ask, let's stop it there.
(21:26):
So he's a smooth operator a business because you have
any patent that right, no need to ask. There's no
need to ask because everyone knows he's a smooth operator
on it. Now, that could either mean a lover right,
or he operates heavy machinery like he could he could
be operating a back hoe or one of those um
those construction towers with the guys sit up in the box,
(21:49):
a big crane, a construction crane. But he's a smooth operator.
So whatever he does, he does it, he does it
very smoothly. All right, let's keep going. Yeah, we get it.
Smooth operator. Yet Okay, stop right there. Coast to coast
(22:14):
l A to Chicago. That's not the coast to coast,
not factual unless you're talking about Lake Michigan. Well maybe
she's you know, you can't get everything right. Maybe Chard
never went past the Mississippi, so she thinks, you know,
like early explorers, she thinks the world is flat. Or
you know that the United States ends right at the
(22:37):
Mississippi and that's the one coast and the other coast
is the Pacific coast. Yeah, she could just have it confused.
M Drinky. Okay, okay, stop right there. So across the
(23:01):
north and south Taki Larga. So we're talking, we're triangulating
between l A, Chicago, then down to Key Largo. So
this could be sort of a love for sale, love
for sale. This could be a Western mail spelled M
a l E, not as in the mail service. Maybe
(23:23):
she's dealing in horses, because a Western mail that could
be like a golden palomino, a pony or you know
what they do a lot down in Florida. They do
dog races. That's true. So maybe she's selling greyhounds. Well,
now I feel like we're getting somewhere. So maybe this
guy she met who's a smooth operator is the world's
(23:43):
best greyhound dealer, dealing in illegal greyhound trade. Smooth operator,
smooth operator. Okay, let's keep goying classic riff right here. Yeah,
that's good. Oh that's hard to play right there. That's
(24:05):
I've never gotten this slick down dusty sacks. If that
doesn't make you want to take your clothes off, I
don't know what does a play that saxophone? Or is
that a harmonica? I think that's a saxa face to
(24:27):
face okay, each classic case right, oh stop stop, this
is gobbling group right here that I would cut this
chunk face to face. Well, maybe maybe they're gathering all
(24:50):
the greyhounds and making them do face to face, shadow
box and double cross. God, maybe they're teaching the greyhounds
to box each other. M h, all right, keep going
(25:13):
memories into gold? What is going on now? I think
this is sort of she's taking a poetic license because
she can say stuff like that doesn't have to all
be factual. I guess so, ma't all your memories and
changed them to go down. All right, all right, let's
(25:34):
keep going. Okay, okay, that has to be. His eyes
are like angels, but his heart is cold. Cost Us,
That's who it is, legendary sportscaster Bob cost Us. His
(25:54):
eyes are like angels. They are, but he'll tell you
like it is always. Yeah, he gives it to you.
I'm impressed with your knowledge of Bob Costas. Thank you.
It's one of the things you said you wanted me
to concentrate on. Is read every piece of literature you
convide on an announcer Bob Costas, which there isn't a
lot of. There's not a ton, but what there is,
(26:16):
it's excellent. And he is a beautiful man. Well, his
eyes are like angels and his heart is cold, except
he's been nothing but nice to me. But I have
seen him lay some people out peppery. So this song
is about Bob Costas. It's starting to look that way, Carolina,
(26:38):
good on you. He cracked the code. We finally cracked
the code. This time. It just sort of spelled out
to me because now listen to this next line. It
all makes it when you picture Bob Costas. Listen to
this next line. Go ahead, no need to ask scooth operating. Ye, well,
(27:06):
I think, look what I'm doing with my shoulders. You're
just bouncing them. You like that move? It's good. Yeah,
So this this totally makes sense if we can stop
it here for a second. Coast to coast, l A
to Chicago. I know for a fact Bob Costas doesn't
travel east of the Mississippi. He only goes from l
(27:28):
A to Chicago. She sent us on a red herring
for a second with that Greyhound runs the Great and
the Diamond Life and the lover boy. She's not really
in love with him, but then she finally gives us
his eyes are like angels, but as hard as god.
It's very much like Carly Simon's You're So Vain, which
(27:48):
is about vain thrombosis. No, I think it's about Mick Jagger,
bring Betty or one of those guys. Well, I know
her song Anticipation is about the Hinz ketchup getting it
out of the bottle. Oh I don't think so either.
I think it's just more of a fun pop song. Yeah,
because Bob Cases also has a lovely Villa and Key
(28:09):
Largo and it's called Love and it's for sale. It's
a Love for sale because his his villain, Key Largo,
is called Love. He's trying to get it off the market.
He's been trying for but there's too much water damage
because he flooded the basement. He threw a party. Were
actually floated boats in the basement. Oh my god, were
you invited? Uh no, I heard about it. Sounds fun
(28:34):
from my other newscaster friends who were all invited except
for me. What happens? Maybe you can invite him to
your Christmas party this year. He's not invited to my houseboat.
Let's just finish out the song here, smooth up aator? Sorry, Nick?
(29:01):
Can we stop it? This is also reminds me of
a laxative tea I've been promoting called Smooth Operator. And
we talked about advertisements. I know I'm not reading an
ad for it, but it's just funny. How I know
of a laxative tea called smooth Operator. Yeah, I mean
I think you and boy does it work. You shouldn't
(29:24):
take those unless you are you can only have about
a half a cup. Yeah, you got to be careful
because it will you will be on four days. It
gets it, gets the job done. Smooth operator. All right,
continue laxative ta operator. Stubborn bells, go away the smoother operator.
(30:00):
You're going to punish that toilet with smooth Operator. Located
at Jensen's Market, available to any Jensen's Markets chain. That's
a plug. There was a mini plug. It doesn't count
as a full plug. Welcome back to the Ron Burgundy Podcast, Carolina.
(30:31):
We really broke this song down. We cracked the code.
I feel like we were in the Da Vinci code
there a little bit. Yeah, I was mysterious and I
was lost at points. I want to read you this poem,
I wrote, Ford, Okay, yeah, go for it. Yeah, this
one is well, this is what this one I think
is on par with with the lyrics of her song
(30:58):
Chard You are my friend, I will love you till
the end. Every day I think of you, whether it's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday,
or shad day. You are my light, keep going, my age,
(31:27):
my everything, no blood day around my Saturday. I had
no idea this meant this much to you. Oh gosh, no,
(31:47):
my god, do you want a tissue? Is my mascarat running?
Are you wearing mascarat? No, that's not mascaratta. By the way,
black stuff is not mess. Your eyebrows are bleeding a
little too. That's that stuff that NFL football players the
(32:10):
spirit under their eyes. That's what that is. I put
some on because there's such a glare off the window
to talk any more about it. I think that was
a really fruitful episode. I had no idea that she
meant that much to you. I think whenever we cry,
(32:31):
it's okay. Pain is weakness leaving the body. Sure, right,
that's a little bit of a hard interpretation of it.
But when you analyze something that means so much to you,
when you analyze the work of art, you don't know
where you're gonna go. And not only the fact that
(32:51):
we unlocked that this song is about Bob Costas, I
can't wait to listen to it over and over again
in my house boat. Oh yeah, that's nice. During my
holiday party, well, which is already booked right because Nick
and I can't come, but if there's availability, I'll let
you guys do no, I mean we can't come. We
(33:11):
know not right now. It's all booked, but there could
be some cancelations. We have some family commitments. All right. Well,
if you'll excuse me, going to run to the loo.
Smooth Operator. I had a little too much smooth Operator
before I came into the booth today. Okay, we'll see
you later. Let me know you're okay. I will always
(33:35):
let you know if I'm okay. Thank you once again,
thank you for listening. For those of you just tuning in,
this is the end of the Ron Burgundy Podcast. You've
missed it, you'd have to rewind it all the way
to the beginning. For those of you who start at
the beginning, we're now at the end of our journey.
(33:56):
Thank you for coming along. And remember, don't do you
have something? No, I don't. I was going to think
of something prophetic, but no, I don't have anything. So
I'm just gonna say goodbye, goodbye everyone. Thank you for
listening to Ron Burgundy Podcast. Bye,
No need to bust. Smooth Operata, Smooth Operata, smooth operator.
Hello there, friend, I'm Ron Burgundy, and once again I
am podcasting. Welcome, Welcome, one and all, old and young,
(00:21):
blind and sighted, Welcome all of you. We discriminate against
no listener. You're probably noticed I started this episode by
singing a little bit of Sades single Smooth Operator. On
today's podcast, I Ron Burgundy have many, many thoughts to
(00:43):
share with you about the incomparable songstress Chardy, and I'll
be speaking about it in great detail. But first, let's
check in with the Burgundy pod Copter for a quick
traffic update. Jacob, he's up there, he's got his cans on.
What do you see up there? Do you mean our
(01:04):
p a, Jacob, because he's in the hall. We don't
what's it's a traffic helicopter, but since we're doing a podcast,
it's a podcapter. You just come up with this, because no, okay,
I didn't come up with this. This was part of
the package when I agreed to do a podcast, that
we would have a traffic helicopter. We'd call it the
(01:24):
pod Copter. We'd get up to the minute, real time
traffic updates. For listeners to be informed. So where is it?
Was it stolen? Did someone steal it? I don't think so.
You know what, good, I'm glad someone stole it. Do
you ever have one of those mornings when you just
wake up ready for street vengeance? Gasip your Sonata Carolina,
(01:49):
We've got a helicopter thief to catch listen. I told
you when we're planning this podcast, it just wouldn't makes
sense to do local traffic reports. It's really outdated. I mean,
people use the phones for that, and we don't even
know when people are listening to But when I turn
on AM radio, there's a traffic report, right, I mean
it's just so different, um than AM radio? Are you
(02:11):
talking about ways? Ways? Google Maps? Give me a break.
We just don't know when people are even listening to
this episode or where they might be listening to this. Um,
you know ways is out, it's on its ways out,
trust me, all right. I put all my money in
Thomas Maps, the Thomas Guide. It's a it's a thick
(02:33):
book of maps. Yeah, you just pull it out and
you know exactly where you're going. Really inconven well, you
have to drive with it on the dash. That's why
I have an easel, have a painter's easel in the
passenger seat in my of my car. So I put
my Thomas Guide and I just flipped through it. Oh
six or five freeway to the seven ten, No big deal,
Page G four. It's a grid system and then you
(02:56):
just find it. Boom. You don't have to mess with
your phone and ways and updates and all this stuff
like that. How many fender benders have you gotten in
the past year? This year was a great year. Very few,
less than twenty. Wow. My insurance team even called me.
That's where they sit that congratulatory basket, the Dean and
(03:19):
de Luca basket with the fine artists and coffees, coffees
from around the world. They are really proud of you,
I guess they said, I lord my rates by five
dollars this year. That's great that I've gone down from
twelve tho dollars a year. It's so much, so much
because I've been in a lot of fenderman as I
(03:40):
got it when when I've got to go where I
need to go out of my way. But yeah, people
could be listening to this anywhere. I mean, so we
don't have a helicopter. Can we can we just buy
a helicopter and just have it on standby on the
roof of the building. So out of our budget, let's
let's look into it. Let's crunch the numbers. We can
(04:01):
look into it. Great. Thank that's all I ask. Yeah,
but you know you've got me thinking, though, we really
have no idea how people listen to this podcast. I mean,
think about that. Perhaps they're driving, they're they're stuck in traffic,
looking for a little light entertainment on their morning commuter.
Maybe maybe it's the middle of the night and you
just had a drag out fight with your spouse and
(04:23):
words were exchanged that can never be on set, So
you just tore us out of your drive away in
a blind rage. The car stereo turned on automatically, and
here I am Ron Burgundy teasing a great monologue I
have coming up about shard Day. Meanwhile, your life is
crumbling sific word. Maybe you're listening on the treadmill getting
(04:45):
some exercise, feel that burn. Well, let me just say,
if that's what you're doing, you need to stop it.
Just knock it off. I'm sorry, I'm just trying to
do a professional podcast. Asked and now you've got all
these images of people listening to the show under what
I consider unacceptable circumstances. You know, you know what I'm
(05:08):
talking about, sweating at the gem like some kind of
filthy animal as I talk about chardon no thanks. Okay,
then should people be listening? You want to listen with
the lights dimmed in your den or study, and my soothing,
professional broadcasting voice coming out of expensive high fidelity audio equipment.
(05:33):
I'm talking huge six foot wooden cabinet speakers that cost
forty eight grand each, bare minimum audio equipment that's just
irresponsibly expensive, exactly the way I listened to four time
Grammy Award winning recording artist Chardy. I've written a poem
(05:56):
about her that I will be sharing later on the
podcast Necessary And I mean a lot of people just
listen on their computer, and frankly, I find that disrespectful
because think about it, we put a lot of effort
into this program, right, and it should be a first
class audio file experience. Last night, I was on my
house boat listening to Sads Diamond Life album right on
(06:19):
a turntable that costs more than your entire college education.
I just found myself mesmerized by the by the sound
bath that is shudd and I want our listeners to
have that same extremely relatable experience. I'm a listener and
I've never even been on a houseboat. Oh there are
(06:40):
a lot of fun and I'm not even that familiar
with I mean, you're kidding me, right, No, you don't
know this song. Smooth up the song we were saying
at the top of the really nothing boy. If there's
anyone who could benefit from a little more chard in
their life, it's you. Girlfriend. Hey, I will check out.
(07:01):
Thank you. That's all I'm asking. That's all I'm asking.
And I am I am slack jawed. I am gobsmacked
that you've never been on a houseboad. You don't need
to hang your mouth open like that, but that's the
physical effect that looks insane. I don't you're just opening
your mouth like you're about to eat it. I'm slack jawed.
(07:25):
I mean, just close your mouth. It's I get it.
You're surprised, you can say, Sam surprised my mouth is
open like this. I want to I want to finally
see if I can fit my whole fist into my mouth.
Oh all all, no, it's not just take it out please,
it's three all. Oh, that was so close. If I
(07:51):
work on that, that's going to happen. Maybe not the
most useful thing to work on with your time. You've
got to come down own to my house boat. That's it.
You've got to. Maybe we can have a holiday party,
(08:12):
even though it would just be me and you and
Nick on that would be great. That's all I'm asking
holiday party. Nick can come? No, it sounds like a
good time. I mean we would have to put it
in the books. We would have to come up with me.
Christmas night holiday party. Oh, I think Nick and I
are spending it with our respected family. So not not
actually on Christmas? Okay, how about Christmas Eve? Yeah, no,
(08:35):
that's like a special time that New Year's Eve, New
Year's Eve Day. I'll be spending that. We can watch football.
Oh I know I can't. I mean, I'm with my
my parents and my boyfriend. And do you have anyone
to spend these holidays? Of course I do. So many people.
Who are you spending it with? This year? It's still
(08:57):
in flux. Yes, the list is long. It's so long.
There's so many people. In fact, you know what I
forgot there's so many people coming. I I kind of
don't have room for you guys. So oh well, some
people drop out, then you guys can come to my
holiday party. Okay, thank you for the invite. Before we
(09:20):
dive into this, showed a song smooth operator. I just
want to think our sponsor, Kin Fernalds Audio Emporium, San
Diego's premier high end audio file dealership, mentioned offer code
ron capital o r in when you visit his store
for off waterproof speaker cables perfect for any house. Book.
(09:42):
That's kin Fernalds Auto Emporium located by the freeway, in fact,
under the freeway. It's just located under the freeway. Listen,
what we have advertisers that pay to be on the show.
We can't so we can't do I know. But it's
just like an under the table. It's not under the table.
(10:02):
But I can't tell you how much he gave me.
Well that sounds exactly what under the table means. I
told him I wouldn't announce it on the air. Okay,
he's paying me a pretty penny. Are you having money problems? No,
not not anymore. I mean, well, one checking account is overdrawn,
(10:24):
but the other one is fine now I just stopped
using it. But one is a little overdrawn, which is
why when do we get paid for this? We get
paid on the first Tuesday, not for at least a
couple of months. I did not need to hear that. Okay,
top Raman, it is for the holidays. By the way,
(10:46):
my party will be a top Raman party. Bring your
own top Ramen. We should get back to the right. No,
I know, but I just want to. I just want
to show you one thing. Look look what I got
from my house. About cool. It's a Google Assistant device.
It looks like a donut, but it's not. Trust me,
it's amazing. Asking anything, go ahead, Okay, don't be shy.
(11:13):
Hey Google, what's eight hundred and four times seven hundred
and twelve? The answer is five? Really a math problem, Carolina,
you're a nerd. Try something cooler here. Let me try something.
Hey Google, where do I find find cigars? I found
(11:36):
a few stores near you. You've been told repeatedly you
cannot smoke cigars in the studio. Hold on, hold on.
What does it say on my lapel pin that I
had personally customized? Um? It says I played by own rules.
(11:57):
It does Yeah. Oh, I played by own rules. I meant, well,
you know what I meant. I played by my own rules.
I'm supposed to put a B in the charge. Gosh,
I gotta take this back down to Danny at the
lapel pin kiosk ye. My point is I played by
(12:21):
my own rules, so you legally you can't tell me
what to do, right okay, And with that in mind,
you can't tell me to not take a commercial right here.
Let's go to a commercial intro for the commercial because
I played by own rules. Wait, it still works. I
played by own rules. You know what, I'm not gonna
(12:43):
take it to Danny. I'm gonna keep it. Let's go
to commercial. Welcome back to the Ron Burgundy Podcast. I'm
Ron Burgundy. I'm here with Carolina and you have downloaded?
(13:05):
Is that the right term selected? I just printed these
lyrics for you know, if you're listening to this podcast,
you have downloaded it a very special episode. Um, then
you have if you happen to just speed to the
middle of it and didn't start at the beginning. I
(13:26):
just want to remind the listener that we are going
to analyze my deep deep love for But before we
get going. There's just something I really need to tell you.
And this is delicate. I want to put this as
gently as possible, but Carolina, you are a terrible assistant.
(13:47):
Run I'm not your assistant. Whatever you are, you're awful
and replaceable. I don't think that's true. Listen, I'm not
going to replace you, but I want to show you something.
Hold on here, hey, Google, how many records? Has Chard
sold million albums? According to the Independent, the sixth highest
(14:08):
earner in the list, the name of the singer and
songwriter behind the four piece band of the same name.
Their career has spanned more than during which time they
have sold more than million. To argue with me said
it was a seven piece band, but some four people,
my Google assistant knows more about R and B songstress
Chard than you do. And that and that's got to
do something to your self esteem. I'm a human being,
(14:31):
not a small digital device that's connected to the entire
knowledge of the Internet. So well, that's your problem, that's
not mine. Okay, Roun, I'm excited you got a new toy.
It's not a toy. Google Assistant is a technological marvel.
I mean whatever. You just shouldn't be so rude. Hey Google,
I'm mad? Oh no, how can I help? Well, perhaps
(14:53):
you could explain to Carolina that she's overreacting a bit.
Maybe she feels a little threatened. Google, I am I'm
not threatened by you. Carolina watched this. Hey Google, I
love you. That's high praise coming from you. Finally someone
is giving me some respect around here. All right, all right,
(15:14):
let's get back to our our analysis of Smooth Operator. Yes,
we're going to go through lyric by lyric, and as
you said, crack the code of Smooth Operator, one of
the greatest songs ever written. Now, I just it's such
(15:34):
a it's a deep, it's a it's an interesting, interesting
analysis into what was going through her mind. I mean,
I think that she might have just been thinking of
how to write a hit pop song. Chard whose original
name was Florence Henderson. Oh, I think you're thinking of
(15:56):
up the Brady Bunch. Moom. Sorry, Okay, take a back
strict that from the record, your honor. Okay, we don't know,
one knows what her original name is. It might just
be her name. It could be it could be that
seems most likely. So I think what we'll do is
we'll just have Nick play this song line by line,
(16:19):
and we're just gonna stop it, and we're going to
really take a deep dive into analyzing the meaning of
what's going on with Smooth Operator. Great, let's begin Diamond
Love right here. You gotta love that beginning, very sultry. Yeah,
(16:45):
Diamond Love, Diamond Live another with oh this is oh,
this is spoken words. Okay, stop it right there? In
(17:11):
seven languages, No, in one in English. But that's where
she talked about seven languages there, so maybe she speaks
seven languages. She's trying to show off. It's maybe it's
just a lyric. Here's the thing. The language of love
can be spoken in any language. That sweet thank you, continue,
(17:35):
high sky, Heaven help him stop? Heaven help him? Help him? Okay,
what's going on with him? And who is him? We're
about to find out. I believe him as the Smooth Operator,
but I'm not sure, but Heaven help him. He's a
troubled soul. He's in trouble. Who's coming to the rescue? Heaven,
(18:00):
go ahead? Who stop? Diamond Life love her boy? Okay,
so Diamond Life. So he's a fluent he's a fluent
(18:20):
or he's used to the good. He's used to del
j vida, the good life, the good life. Yes, he
sounds like someone who has money to spend. He has
a diamond life. He's a lover boy, so not virginal,
but he's troubled. Heaven helped him, Heaven help him. This
(18:40):
it's so intriguing, getting a little complicated. It is as
dark a song as you'll ever listen to. Oh, I
don't know about that. I mean there's songs about diamond life.
Now this, this is is I'll put those up against
any of those songs. Okay, keep going, stays with maximum okay, stopping.
(19:07):
He moves in space with minimum waste and maximum joy.
Is he a ghost? I think we need to listen
to more. I don't know if it's that much. I'm
just I'm just taking it. I'm just going out on
a flyer. Here, I'm taking a flyer. Um. He could
be a ghost. Minimum waste could mean that maximum joy.
He moves in space. He moves in space. He doesn't
(19:30):
use his legs. He could be a rich little loverboy
who bought a hovercraft and it's just moving around very Yeah,
there could be a sci fi element, like in the
episode of Baby he's he's one of the Jetsons. Okay,
all right, Nick Hidden God Design. Okay, car Desire, I
(20:06):
study clay writing at Sarah Lawrence and we street car desires. Obviously,
Tennessee Williams play the street car name desire. Wait, there's
a guy named Tennessee. Yeah, that's his real name. Oh
my gosh, a stupid name. Exactly. So that's a reference
to him. When you require street car desire for higher heights,
(20:27):
street cars can't I'm so lost. Now, maybe she's talking
about San Francisco. Okay, maybe that's it. Maybe takes place
in San Francisco. Okay, you know what we'll commit to
that is left. Okay, yeah. Um. No place for beginners
(20:57):
or sensitive hearts. That's one of the first things you
told me when you hired me. Well, that's one of
my mantras. No place for the beginnings or sensitive hearts, Carolina,
if you're gonna work in the big time, I just
didn't know you got it from the song. Okay, let's
keep going. No need to ask, let's stop it there.
(21:26):
So he's a smooth operator a business because you have
any patent that right, no need to ask. There's no
need to ask because everyone knows he's a smooth operator
on it. Now, that could either mean a lover right,
or he operates heavy machinery like he could he could
be operating a back hoe or one of those um
those construction towers with the guys sit up in the box,
(21:49):
a big crane, a construction crane. But he's a smooth operator.
So whatever he does, he does it, he does it
very smoothly. All right, let's keep going. Yeah, we get it.
Smooth operator. Yet Okay, stop right there. Coast to coast
(22:14):
l A to Chicago. That's not the coast to coast,
not factual unless you're talking about Lake Michigan. Well maybe
she's you know, you can't get everything right. Maybe Chard
never went past the Mississippi, so she thinks, you know,
like early explorers, she thinks the world is flat. Or
you know that the United States ends right at the
(22:37):
Mississippi and that's the one coast and the other coast
is the Pacific coast. Yeah, she could just have it confused.
M Drinky. Okay, okay, stop right there. So across the
(23:01):
north and south Taki Larga. So we're talking, we're triangulating
between l A, Chicago, then down to Key Largo. So
this could be sort of a love for sale, love
for sale. This could be a Western mail spelled M
a l E, not as in the mail service. Maybe
(23:23):
she's dealing in horses, because a Western mail that could
be like a golden palomino, a pony or you know
what they do a lot down in Florida. They do
dog races. That's true. So maybe she's selling greyhounds. Well,
now I feel like we're getting somewhere. So maybe this
guy she met who's a smooth operator is the world's
(23:43):
best greyhound dealer, dealing in illegal greyhound trade. Smooth operator,
smooth operator. Okay, let's keep goying classic riff right here. Yeah,
that's good. Oh that's hard to play right there. That's
(24:05):
I've never gotten this slick down dusty sacks. If that
doesn't make you want to take your clothes off, I
don't know what does a play that saxophone? Or is
that a harmonica? I think that's a saxa face to
(24:27):
face okay, each classic case right, oh stop stop, this
is gobbling group right here that I would cut this
chunk face to face. Well, maybe maybe they're gathering all
(24:50):
the greyhounds and making them do face to face, shadow
box and double cross. God, maybe they're teaching the greyhounds
to box each other. M h, all right, keep going
(25:13):
memories into gold? What is going on now? I think
this is sort of she's taking a poetic license because
she can say stuff like that doesn't have to all
be factual. I guess so, ma't all your memories and
changed them to go down. All right, all right, let's
(25:34):
keep going. Okay, okay, that has to be. His eyes
are like angels, but his heart is cold. Cost Us,
That's who it is, legendary sportscaster Bob cost Us. His
(25:54):
eyes are like angels. They are, but he'll tell you
like it is always. Yeah, he gives it to you.
I'm impressed with your knowledge of Bob Costas. Thank you.
It's one of the things you said you wanted me
to concentrate on. Is read every piece of literature you
convide on an announcer Bob Costas, which there isn't a
lot of. There's not a ton, but what there is,
(26:16):
it's excellent. And he is a beautiful man. Well, his
eyes are like angels and his heart is cold, except
he's been nothing but nice to me. But I have
seen him lay some people out peppery. So this song
is about Bob Costas. It's starting to look that way, Carolina,
(26:38):
good on you. He cracked the code. We finally cracked
the code. This time. It just sort of spelled out
to me because now listen to this next line. It
all makes it when you picture Bob Costas. Listen to
this next line. Go ahead, no need to ask scooth operating. Ye, well,
(27:06):
I think, look what I'm doing with my shoulders. You're
just bouncing them. You like that move? It's good. Yeah,
So this this totally makes sense if we can stop
it here for a second. Coast to coast, l A
to Chicago. I know for a fact Bob Costas doesn't
travel east of the Mississippi. He only goes from l
(27:28):
A to Chicago. She sent us on a red herring
for a second with that Greyhound runs the Great and
the Diamond Life and the lover boy. She's not really
in love with him, but then she finally gives us
his eyes are like angels, but as hard as god.
It's very much like Carly Simon's You're So Vain, which
(27:48):
is about vain thrombosis. No, I think it's about Mick Jagger,
bring Betty or one of those guys. Well, I know
her song Anticipation is about the Hinz ketchup getting it
out of the bottle. Oh I don't think so either.
I think it's just more of a fun pop song. Yeah,
because Bob Cases also has a lovely Villa and Key
(28:09):
Largo and it's called Love and it's for sale. It's
a Love for sale because his his villain, Key Largo,
is called Love. He's trying to get it off the market.
He's been trying for but there's too much water damage
because he flooded the basement. He threw a party. Were
actually floated boats in the basement. Oh my god, were
you invited? Uh no, I heard about it. Sounds fun
(28:34):
from my other newscaster friends who were all invited except
for me. What happens? Maybe you can invite him to
your Christmas party this year. He's not invited to my houseboat.
Let's just finish out the song here, smooth up aator? Sorry, Nick?
(29:01):
Can we stop it? This is also reminds me of
a laxative tea I've been promoting called Smooth Operator. And
we talked about advertisements. I know I'm not reading an
ad for it, but it's just funny. How I know
of a laxative tea called smooth Operator. Yeah, I mean
I think you and boy does it work. You shouldn't
(29:24):
take those unless you are you can only have about
a half a cup. Yeah, you got to be careful
because it will you will be on four days. It
gets it, gets the job done. Smooth operator. All right,
continue laxative ta operator. Stubborn bells, go away the smoother operator.
(30:00):
You're going to punish that toilet with smooth Operator. Located
at Jensen's Market, available to any Jensen's Markets chain. That's
a plug. There was a mini plug. It doesn't count
as a full plug. Welcome back to the Ron Burgundy Podcast, Carolina.
(30:31):
We really broke this song down. We cracked the code.
I feel like we were in the Da Vinci code
there a little bit. Yeah, I was mysterious and I
was lost at points. I want to read you this poem,
I wrote, Ford, Okay, yeah, go for it. Yeah, this
one is well, this is what this one I think
is on par with with the lyrics of her song
(30:58):
Chard You are my friend, I will love you till
the end. Every day I think of you, whether it's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday,
or shad day. You are my light, keep going, my age,
(31:27):
my everything, no blood day around my Saturday. I had
no idea this meant this much to you. Oh gosh, no,
(31:47):
my god, do you want a tissue? Is my mascarat running?
Are you wearing mascarat? No, that's not mascaratta. By the way,
black stuff is not mess. Your eyebrows are bleeding a
little too. That's that stuff that NFL football players the
(32:10):
spirit under their eyes. That's what that is. I put
some on because there's such a glare off the window
to talk any more about it. I think that was
a really fruitful episode. I had no idea that she
meant that much to you. I think whenever we cry,
(32:31):
it's okay. Pain is weakness leaving the body. Sure, right,
that's a little bit of a hard interpretation of it.
But when you analyze something that means so much to you,
when you analyze the work of art, you don't know
where you're gonna go. And not only the fact that
(32:51):
we unlocked that this song is about Bob Costas, I
can't wait to listen to it over and over again
in my house boat. Oh yeah, that's nice. During my
holiday party, well, which is already booked right because Nick
and I can't come, but if there's availability, I'll let
you guys do no, I mean we can't come. We
(33:11):
know not right now. It's all booked, but there could
be some cancelations. We have some family commitments. All right. Well,
if you'll excuse me, going to run to the loo.
Smooth Operator. I had a little too much smooth Operator
before I came into the booth today. Okay, we'll see
you later. Let me know you're okay. I will always
(33:35):
let you know if I'm okay. Thank you once again,
thank you for listening. For those of you just tuning in,
this is the end of the Ron Burgundy Podcast. You've
missed it, you'd have to rewind it all the way
to the beginning. For those of you who start at
the beginning, we're now at the end of our journey.
(33:56):
Thank you for coming along. And remember, don't do you
have something? No, I don't. I was going to think
of something prophetic, but no, I don't have anything. So
I'm just gonna say goodbye, goodbye everyone. Thank you for
listening to Ron Burgundy Podcast. Bye,
Host
Will Ferrell
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