July 22, 2021 • 26 mins
First Lady Jill Biden stands by for an interview, while Ron prepares his DVR.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Oh, rom Burguny podcast. Hello, my name is Ron Burgundy
and you're listening to the Ron Burgundy Podcast. The Ron
Burgundy Podcast podcast pod cast the Ron Burgundy Podcast. Sounds
(00:21):
sounds unusual today? Are we sure that that's the pronunciation
cast pod? Nope? Nope, Going home by grom Burgundy Podcast.
(00:52):
Hello there, my name is Ron Burgundy and you're listening
to the Ron Burgundy Podcast. I didn't feel right yesterday,
so I left, but I'm back today with a new
episode and as always by my side. Carolina, if you
need a picture, let me paint it for you. She's
slovenly dressed in something like a potato sack, with dirty
(01:15):
sneakers and hair that looks like she was stuck somewhere
for a long time, maybe in someone's miscellaneous drawer. Would
you say that that's an accurate depiction of you, Carolina, Yes,
that's just about perfect. Great. Word painting is an art
form unto itself, and I consider myself a master of
(01:37):
the art. Carolina. Do me a favorite point to something,
anything in this room, and I will describe it with
a word painting. Um, okay um, what about that thing
over there? That? Yeah, it's a it's a wall outlet. Okay,
should we get on with the show? Podcast? It's called
(01:58):
a podcast. You know what. I don't know what happened yesterday.
I said the word parton and the word cast and
it didn't sound right. It was a It was a
bit unsettling. No, I know. You ran out of here.
You took my car and then you just left. I did, Yes,
I ran out of the studio and straight to your caprius.
(02:20):
I drove about a half mile down the road and
parked in a home depot parking lot. And guess what
I did. I went to sleep. Yeah, I spent the
whole night in that parking lot. Speaking of word paintings,
let me let me paint a picture of what goes
on in a parking lot here in Los Angeles at night. First,
(02:40):
the raccoons and smaller varmints come out. They roam the
gray surface for trashy food, of which there is plenty.
And then the larger animals coyote and mountain lion make
their way onto the barren cement grazing grounds. Fashion show,
that's the energy they bring. Yes, the squeals and howls
(03:03):
are enough to raise the dead, as animals are eaten
and gnashed about. And then as the night lingers, men
and women appear, ghoulish looking men and women wander aimlessly
like zombies in a post apocalyptic world. I was jolted
out of my slumber several times by the wrap of dry,
(03:25):
dirty knuckles on my window, and a woman coughed a
live rat onto the windshield. Yes, so it wasn't until
three or four in the morning that I was compelled
to join those that had gathered. So I left the
safety of your car, Carolina, and I went to share
some wine with a group of vagabonds. They were a
(03:45):
gay and delightful bunch of revelers who at first thought
I was the fuzz and I said, chill, Chill, everyone, chill.
But as we drank and I provided more bottles of
wine from the trunk of your car, we all became
fast friends. A small fire was built and songs were sung.
For food, we cooked a raccoon the size of a pig,
(04:08):
and then the night gave away to the dawn and
the bitter reminder that the world was unfair. But for
a fleeting moment, humanity held together in that parking lot
under the street lamps in a city known for its cruelty. Anyway,
that's how I spent my night, Carolina. What what did
you do make a a TikTok video where you're dancing
(04:31):
with your cat? No? Yeah, okay? Should we start in
on this very special episode that I could barely contain
my excitement over. Yes, I mean, um, she's waiting on hold.
She is first Lady Jill Biden. We've got Jill and
(04:51):
it's gonna be a hell of an interview. I am
beyond excited. What what a literal coup for the Ron
Burgundy podcast. Should we just get started? I know she's
been on hold for a minute, which is like so
insane by all means. So here's the Delia. We usually
do a little patter right between us before we get started,
but in this case, I think it's it's only appropriate
(05:13):
that we just dive right in exactly, and she's on hold, So,
I mean, the only bit of business I would like
to finish off before we get going with this groundbreaking
interview is I just would like to establish what I'm
going to watch on TV tonight. Great, maybe just decide
that tonight. Nope, I promised myself I would I would
(05:33):
get this in the books. I want to know exactly
what I'm watching when I walk through that door, so
there's no time wasted searching. You know, I want to
eat my food while I'm watching Chicago Mad. I don't
want to eat my food while trying to find an
EPP of Chicago Mad episode. But you know, I just
think everyone can can sympathize with that. So let let
(05:56):
me just make a decision, right, and then on with
call with First Lady. Okay, okay, Well have you decided
what to watch? Because the First Lady's communications director is
(06:19):
texting me and she says that she only has Well,
it's it's between the Avengers Age of Ultron or sure.
I mean I saw the Avengers Age of Ultron in
the theaters fourteen times, so that's something to consider. However,
Bridgeton is a series, and it's it's a bit of
(06:41):
a commitment. I don't figure you for regency dramas, Are
you crazy? I love the regency period. I've oft dreamt
of owning a sprawling estate in the English countryside, where
I would give chase to foxes and throw elaborate parties
and I would be considered a loure Lord ron Burgundy
(07:02):
It's not as crazy as it sounds like. I have
honorary degrees. You know, I just didn't figure you for
like a Jane Austen kind of guy. Jane Austen is
my favorite author, hands down. Well, no, Robert Ludlam is
my favorite author. Then Peter Benchley who wrote Jaws of Course,
then E. L. James, who famously penned the excellently written
(07:26):
Fifty Shades of Gray. But Austin is up there. Okay,
name one of Jane Austen's books, Easy, this Land of Mine?
Or how about Duty Before Shame? Huh No, those aren't
Those aren't Jane Austen books, they're not. Okay, Well what
about the Third Woman, Pride before Dawn? Actually closer? But
(07:50):
now the Golden Onion Situation, The Golden Onion Situation by
Jane Austen, Yes, final answer, no, damn it. Well, she's
one of my favorite authors. So so I might watch Britain,
which she wrote, Or I could watch mind Hunter, which
(08:14):
I hear is a real satisfying watch with great characters
and some heart pounding moments. Maybe I'll watch that. How
many episodes of Mine Hunter are there? I don't know,
I mean maybe I'm just guessing that's twentys of television.
I can't do that tonight. I need something light and breezy.
Check in on the first lady, would you make sure
(08:35):
she's still there and tell her she'll she'll be right
up in one second. Yeah, but she's going to run
out of time. I mean, she has a really tight schedule.
We need to just something light and breezy. Oh, I know,
how about this Carolina. Maybe the marvelous Mrs Mazel. That
sounds light and breezy. I like saying it to the
marvelous Mrs Maizel. You know who's in that. It's Rachel Brasnie.
(08:59):
She's the pest keeper's instant, Mrs Maizel, marvelous. I could
watch that, I mean, not tonight, just I just don't
feel like it's too silly. Should we just table this
for later? No? No, this is important. This is important.
We need to get this done so I don't waste
time trying to decide tonight. You know what I wish?
I wish there was a show called petro Check and
(09:19):
the Lady about a tough, street wise X cop named
Robert petroc Check and his crime solving partner, a real
blue blooded lady in the style of say Samantha Edgar. H.
I don't know who's that? What the what's going on here?
Is this some alternate universe where humans speak another language?
(09:42):
Am I in a zoo? Are there apes running the planet? Now?
I'm talking about Samantha Eggar. It's not that complicated. I'm
not rattling off the different compound medals that go into
making a stealth bomber. It's Samantha Eggar, for sakes. She's
an actress. She's known throughout the world. And yes, she's
(10:05):
too old to play the part of the lady in
petro Check and the Lady. But I was merely using
her as a prototype, a Samantha Egger type. Holy Holy,
We can move on from this. The end of the
world is not imminent because grown men wear sneakers into
bank buildings. It's because people like you, Carolina can only
think of yourself. I say, go back, understand your history,
(10:29):
pay homage to Samantha Eggar, take time to dress in
the morning, gargole, learn grooming habits, work with animals when
you can, and when the sun is shining, know that
it shines for everyone and not just for you. My
name is run Burgundy. Anyway, I have a special guest
(10:52):
waiting on the phone. She is one of the most
beloved women in the land, our first lady. Okay, great,
So you want me to connecting? Of course, why wouldn't you, Carolina,
it's the first lady. No, no, I know, just you
didn't pick a show and to watch tonight. But it's
sweet Crimson Tide. I did not. Okay, keep her on hold?
(11:13):
What is out there? What's what's hot? What? What are
you watching? Carolina? Um, I'm watching this show, The Wild.
Let me guess. The Wild is a show about a
young lawyer named Peter dan four who opens a law
practice deep in the heart of the Amazon Forest. Am
(11:33):
I close? It's about teenage girls stranded on an island.
Is there a character named Peter dan four? Damn it
so close? Okay, well, I'm not watching a show about
teenage girls without a Peter dan fourth character. So it's
back to the drawing board. There's no escaping the paralysis
of indecision. It's so much worse than Hamlet's dilemma in
(11:58):
the play Hamlet. Is that on Netflix. No, there's no
pain on this planet equal to not being able to
decide what to watch. I have suffered gunshot wounds and
knife stabbings, slaps in the face by heartbroken women. I've
been run through with the sword of an Egyptian prince.
(12:19):
I was dragged through the dirt by a horse for
six hours. Sharks have bitten me, elephants have trampled my body.
But the existential dread I feel staring at my TV
each night, with so many choices and no way to choose,
is far greater than any pain I've felt. So what's
it going to be, Carolina? What show will solve my dilemma?
(12:42):
I need something fresh and smart and snappy and sexy
and cool and yummy. Cha cha cha ah. Did you
ever see Stranger Things? I've seen strange things like a
pair of underwear that wrestles turtles. Assume that what you're
talking about. No, No, there was a hit show on
(13:03):
Netflix and everyone watched it. It's called Stranger Things and
it's actually a lot of fun. Oh okay, Well what's
it about? Um? Some kids who are into playing dungeons
and Dragons and then they discover another dimension Drake one
two and three kids games Dimension Next. Yeah, you know what,
let's just connect her. Now stop throwing that basic fodder
(13:25):
at me, little ce Ron. We talked about that. I
am so sorry as soon loon as it left my lips. Yeah,
I had instant regret because the hr yes please accept
talked about that. My sincereus apology for those words. Legally,
it's a problem understood, Okay, thank you. No, I have
(13:46):
chills right now. I'm just glad that we talked about it, luckily,
so we can. I feel great turn the page. You
are a patient, lovely human being. I just you know,
I lead with my heart and not with my it
a lot of times. Yeah, it's passion. It's a passion problem.
This is what I was really trying. I want something
fresh and sexy, you know, like like too cold water
(14:10):
salmon doing it on a wet rock. I'm going to
therapy or no, okay, I want something fresh and sexy,
like snow white going down on a loaf of bread.
Still off. I really don't like that, Okay. I want
something fresh and sexy, like driving nude around town in
a new Chevy Impala. You get that idea. It's actually
(14:34):
not the worst thing you've said today. Okay, good, let's
leave it at that. Imagery what what about Shark Tank?
Is that is that a show I might like? Yeah?
Maybe is it about sharks living in tanks? What about
The Bachelor? I've heard a lot about The Bachelor. That
could be my new show. Tell me about the Bachelor? Um, well,
(14:54):
it's a show where they find some bachelor and they
surround him with like twenty women that he can choose
to marry, and then they make it like a game,
I think, and each week he gets rid of one
of the women. Oh how he murders them? No, my
guess is that they're just told to go home. And
and this is a popular show. Yeah, there's like seasons.
(15:15):
I'm sorry, Carolina, ate too much fiber this morning. Did
you say there were twenty five seasons of The Bachelor?
Holy Mother of Earth? There are twenty five seasons of
a guy finding a wife from a pool of women
chosen for him by a network in a and a
show like Studio sixty is only on for one season.
(15:40):
I'll tell you what this is, futile. Let's play a game.
You say the name of a show and I'll guess
what it's about. If I get it right, then that's
what I'm going to watch tonight. Okay, great, let's do it, um,
And you just want the title, only the title, and
if I nail it, I'll watch it. Okay. How about
The Handmaid's Tale British spy draw set in the eighteen
(16:01):
forties in the seaside town of Brighton, Um, A young woman,
a handmaid, is discovered wandering the beach without any memory
of how she got there. Her tail unfolds, um, and
that wasn't wasn't close. Let's do Grace and Frankie love it? Okay.
(16:23):
Two dogs named Grace and Frankie stir up trouble in
a small Alabama town, stealing hot dogs and knocking over stuff.
The theme song is sung in barks wonderful, I shall
watch that. Dogs make me laugh and I love little
little snapshots of folksy hometown life. That's the one, no
(16:44):
it actually? It stars Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda. Well
then why did they give them dog names? Damn it?
These are too hard. You're you're trying to stop me.
Give me an easy one. Okay. Love Island, Oh, thank
you one. I know each week we are treated to
new arrived is looking for love on a magical island.
Will they find it? Or will they find out something
(17:05):
about themselves? Only the caretaker of the island and his
short friend Tattoo know the truth. Special guests include Barbara Eden,
Peter Lawford, Linda Carter, Television's Wonder Woman, and Dr Jay.
You're describing fantasy Island, So I was this Love Island?
Is not fantasy Island? Is it a mix between the
(17:25):
love Boat and fantasy Island? And does it take place
on a boat? Okay, here's one. The masked singer duh okay.
Eighteenth century French lover and thief Pierre Gordeaux, also known
as the Mass Singer, romances his way through many body
escapades with beautiful Parisian women, are keeping his eye on
(17:46):
the prize, the Crown Jewels. It's the born identity meets
the Three Musketeers. I love it. It's right up my alley.
Sword battles, costumes and women in tight dresses. The Mass Singer.
It's a in competition. You inks that a lot of
people were enraged when they turned that on and didn't
(18:06):
see sword fighting. Look into that. I don't know how
you're going to look into that, but let's look at me.
We'll try. Okay, give me another one. I feel like
I'm getting more intuitive. Um, what about the undoing? No
(18:31):
idea past? You're not going to try? Okay, what about shameless? Oh?
The Donald Trump story? Wonderful? I told a joke. Um, yes, good,
good joke. This is US sci fi crap about aliens.
Give me a break next. I believe this one is
(18:51):
a comedy about a family that lives on a boat
way out at sea, Homeland. I'd watch that. That's about
pilgrims making to the shores of Virginia. You're not good
at this, ron, No, I know what I'm doing. You're
not good at it. I mean, that's what's happening. I'm
just reading titles of TV shows so you can guess
what they are about. How am I not good at that?
(19:12):
You need to put a little clue into how you
read them. You know, for instance, the Mass Singer, you
could have sung that one, then then I would have
known it was about singing, and I would have guessed
a musical contest for sure, or maybe a musical about
a swashbuckling rogue named Pierre Gordeaux, which, by the way,
(19:33):
someone should make that one. Anyway, try putting something into it.
When you give me a title. Okay, okay, okay, I'm ready.
Um Paky Blind does mate, No boy, Carolina, that was amazing,
Do it again, Pakey Blind. The wonderful, just wonderful and simple.
(19:59):
So you made it easy. It's an Australian baking show
where everyone is blindfolded but can peak from time to
time at the competition. Yes, no, shouldn't you just pick
something and we can get onto our call with the
first lady. She's been on holds for this whole time.
If she's even there, Oh my god? Why? I I mean,
(20:19):
I'm having fun with our guessing game, young lady. Life
throws fun at you. Don't run from the fun funds
not consistent like the Sun funds, not the sun. Fun
is hard one. So when fun comes, a ton of
fun or just one fun, you gotta let it run. Okay,
(20:40):
I got it. Okay, give me another one. It's fun. Okay.
It's a movie called Molly's Game. Okay. I believe this
is about a woman who invents a game like part Cheesy,
but the patriarchy won't allow her to profit from it,
and that's when she takes matters into her own hand,
ends and takes no prisoners. Adult themes and nudity. Don't
(21:07):
forget your clues when saying the title. Um, okay, his
dark materials, his dark material, dark material, his dark material.
Oh I know, I got it. A loser kid works
in a photo lab and discovers a murder with his
(21:29):
best friend, a video gamer probably named Max Kelly. They
set out to capture the killer while being their normal
slacker selves. How did you get that? I was doing
a British accent and I tried to make it sound serious.
Well that one was too hard anyway. I gotta get
one of these eventually. Okay, what about this the NBA
(21:49):
on TNT people blowing up basketball players? Why would they
do that? No, you're not good at this? Uh sports Center.
It's a great, down and dirty show about the pain
of addiction, and it's toll on families. I'm way off now.
It's it's getting harder. I mean, I'm losing focus, Like
(22:11):
I gotta figure out what I'm what I'm watching, and
I just I just gotta. I can't go home unless
I know, and decision is killing me. One more, please
but hold on. Let me Let me offer a prayer
for my common book of prayer written by me run Burgundy.
Let us pray, Please, God, let me decide on a show.
(22:33):
Show your heavenly mercy on me, for I am brought
low before you, and beseech thee to give unto me
the name of a program that will calm the waters
of my soul. Okay, one more. If I don't get it,
I'm quitting this world. I'll shed my clothes and take
(22:54):
to the hills for the life of a hermit, living
off nuts and berries and rodents. Go Okay, Last one
Zoe's Extraordinary Playlist. Zoe's Extraordinary Playlist. Okay, here goes. After
(23:18):
an unusual event, a whip smart computer coder Zoe Clark
Yes magically begins to hear people's innermost wants and desires
through popular songs, and suddenly strangers, friends, co workers, and
(23:39):
family are unknowingly seeing their feelings just to her. Holy Yes,
you got it. I did. Yes, It's over. The torture
is over. What a release. I'm watching Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist tonight.
I can hardly wait. It's It's my new show, Carolina.
(24:00):
I love it. I simply adore it. I will watch
it every night if I can the same episode over
and over I found it the show I want to watch.
I was I was this close to eating small rodents,
and I was seriously seriously going to fire you this close?
Should we just should we see if the first Lady
is still on the line. It's almost too embarrassing how
(24:23):
long it took me to pick a show? Um, Why
don't you lie and say I was attacked this morning
by spider monkeys? Wait? No, tell her, Um, tell her
I have to emergency coach the Denver Nuggets? Which one
do you think she would buy? Either? Ron, You're right,
I should just face up to it like a man
and tell her the truth. I'm in love with her. Gosh,
(24:46):
darn it, what you're in love with the first Lady?
Jill Biden? This is too much. It is too much.
I'm a married man, but that doesn't stop me from
falling head over heels in love. Should I love my wife?
I happened to love the first Lady too. Maybe maybe
just tell her I've fallen and hit my head and
we'll have to have her on another show. I'm just
(25:07):
I'm simply too nervous to talk to her. So you
not being able to decide on a show was just
avoiding talking to the first lady because you are in
love with her. Yes, I mean, what do you want
me to say? Yes? Yes, then you know what you're
gonna watch tonight? Of course I'll catch up on the
Good Doctor and then get under the covers with an
(25:27):
old episode of Colombo or McMillan and Wife like I
do every night. What what are you going to watch tonight? Um?
I don't know. Maybe I'll just read a book. Wonderful, wonderful,
just wonderful. My name is Ron Burgundy. This has been
an illuminating podcast. Take time to think about it, tell
your friends and stay Glassie
Oh, rom Burguny podcast. Hello, my name is Ron Burgundy
and you're listening to the Ron Burgundy Podcast. The Ron
Burgundy Podcast podcast pod cast the Ron Burgundy Podcast. Sounds
(00:21):
sounds unusual today? Are we sure that that's the pronunciation
cast pod? Nope? Nope, Going home by grom Burgundy Podcast.
(00:52):
Hello there, my name is Ron Burgundy and you're listening
to the Ron Burgundy Podcast. I didn't feel right yesterday,
so I left, but I'm back today with a new
episode and as always by my side. Carolina, if you
need a picture, let me paint it for you. She's
slovenly dressed in something like a potato sack, with dirty
(01:15):
sneakers and hair that looks like she was stuck somewhere
for a long time, maybe in someone's miscellaneous drawer. Would
you say that that's an accurate depiction of you, Carolina, Yes,
that's just about perfect. Great. Word painting is an art
form unto itself, and I consider myself a master of
(01:37):
the art. Carolina. Do me a favorite point to something,
anything in this room, and I will describe it with
a word painting. Um, okay um, what about that thing
over there? That? Yeah, it's a it's a wall outlet. Okay,
should we get on with the show? Podcast? It's called
(01:58):
a podcast. You know what. I don't know what happened yesterday.
I said the word parton and the word cast and
it didn't sound right. It was a It was a
bit unsettling. No, I know. You ran out of here.
You took my car and then you just left. I did, Yes,
I ran out of the studio and straight to your caprius.
(02:20):
I drove about a half mile down the road and
parked in a home depot parking lot. And guess what
I did. I went to sleep. Yeah, I spent the
whole night in that parking lot. Speaking of word paintings,
let me let me paint a picture of what goes
on in a parking lot here in Los Angeles at night. First,
(02:40):
the raccoons and smaller varmints come out. They roam the
gray surface for trashy food, of which there is plenty.
And then the larger animals coyote and mountain lion make
their way onto the barren cement grazing grounds. Fashion show,
that's the energy they bring. Yes, the squeals and howls
(03:03):
are enough to raise the dead, as animals are eaten
and gnashed about. And then as the night lingers, men
and women appear, ghoulish looking men and women wander aimlessly
like zombies in a post apocalyptic world. I was jolted
out of my slumber several times by the wrap of dry,
(03:25):
dirty knuckles on my window, and a woman coughed a
live rat onto the windshield. Yes, so it wasn't until
three or four in the morning that I was compelled
to join those that had gathered. So I left the
safety of your car, Carolina, and I went to share
some wine with a group of vagabonds. They were a
(03:45):
gay and delightful bunch of revelers who at first thought
I was the fuzz and I said, chill, Chill, everyone, chill.
But as we drank and I provided more bottles of
wine from the trunk of your car, we all became
fast friends. A small fire was built and songs were sung.
For food, we cooked a raccoon the size of a pig,
(04:08):
and then the night gave away to the dawn and
the bitter reminder that the world was unfair. But for
a fleeting moment, humanity held together in that parking lot
under the street lamps in a city known for its cruelty. Anyway,
that's how I spent my night, Carolina. What what did
you do make a a TikTok video where you're dancing
(04:31):
with your cat? No? Yeah, okay? Should we start in
on this very special episode that I could barely contain
my excitement over. Yes, I mean, um, she's waiting on hold.
She is first Lady Jill Biden. We've got Jill and
(04:51):
it's gonna be a hell of an interview. I am
beyond excited. What what a literal coup for the Ron
Burgundy podcast. Should we just get started? I know she's
been on hold for a minute, which is like so
insane by all means. So here's the Delia. We usually
do a little patter right between us before we get started,
but in this case, I think it's it's only appropriate
(05:13):
that we just dive right in exactly, and she's on hold, So,
I mean, the only bit of business I would like
to finish off before we get going with this groundbreaking
interview is I just would like to establish what I'm
going to watch on TV tonight. Great, maybe just decide
that tonight. Nope, I promised myself I would I would
(05:33):
get this in the books. I want to know exactly
what I'm watching when I walk through that door, so
there's no time wasted searching. You know, I want to
eat my food while I'm watching Chicago Mad. I don't
want to eat my food while trying to find an
EPP of Chicago Mad episode. But you know, I just
think everyone can can sympathize with that. So let let
(05:56):
me just make a decision, right, and then on with
call with First Lady. Okay, okay, Well have you decided
what to watch? Because the First Lady's communications director is
(06:19):
texting me and she says that she only has Well,
it's it's between the Avengers Age of Ultron or sure.
I mean I saw the Avengers Age of Ultron in
the theaters fourteen times, so that's something to consider. However,
Bridgeton is a series, and it's it's a bit of
(06:41):
a commitment. I don't figure you for regency dramas, Are
you crazy? I love the regency period. I've oft dreamt
of owning a sprawling estate in the English countryside, where
I would give chase to foxes and throw elaborate parties
and I would be considered a loure Lord ron Burgundy
(07:02):
It's not as crazy as it sounds like. I have
honorary degrees. You know, I just didn't figure you for
like a Jane Austen kind of guy. Jane Austen is
my favorite author, hands down. Well, no, Robert Ludlam is
my favorite author. Then Peter Benchley who wrote Jaws of Course,
then E. L. James, who famously penned the excellently written
(07:26):
Fifty Shades of Gray. But Austin is up there. Okay,
name one of Jane Austen's books, Easy, this Land of Mine?
Or how about Duty Before Shame? Huh No, those aren't
Those aren't Jane Austen books, they're not. Okay, Well what
about the Third Woman, Pride before Dawn? Actually closer? But
(07:50):
now the Golden Onion Situation, The Golden Onion Situation by
Jane Austen, Yes, final answer, no, damn it. Well, she's
one of my favorite authors. So so I might watch Britain,
which she wrote, Or I could watch mind Hunter, which
(08:14):
I hear is a real satisfying watch with great characters
and some heart pounding moments. Maybe I'll watch that. How
many episodes of Mine Hunter are there? I don't know,
I mean maybe I'm just guessing that's twentys of television.
I can't do that tonight. I need something light and breezy.
Check in on the first lady, would you make sure
(08:35):
she's still there and tell her she'll she'll be right
up in one second. Yeah, but she's going to run
out of time. I mean, she has a really tight schedule.
We need to just something light and breezy. Oh, I know,
how about this Carolina. Maybe the marvelous Mrs Mazel. That
sounds light and breezy. I like saying it to the
marvelous Mrs Maizel. You know who's in that. It's Rachel Brasnie.
(08:59):
She's the pest keeper's instant, Mrs Maizel, marvelous. I could
watch that, I mean, not tonight, just I just don't
feel like it's too silly. Should we just table this
for later? No? No, this is important. This is important.
We need to get this done so I don't waste
time trying to decide tonight. You know what I wish?
I wish there was a show called petro Check and
(09:19):
the Lady about a tough, street wise X cop named
Robert petroc Check and his crime solving partner, a real
blue blooded lady in the style of say Samantha Edgar. H.
I don't know who's that? What the what's going on here?
Is this some alternate universe where humans speak another language?
(09:42):
Am I in a zoo? Are there apes running the planet? Now?
I'm talking about Samantha Eggar. It's not that complicated. I'm
not rattling off the different compound medals that go into
making a stealth bomber. It's Samantha Eggar, for sakes. She's
an actress. She's known throughout the world. And yes, she's
(10:05):
too old to play the part of the lady in
petro Check and the Lady. But I was merely using
her as a prototype, a Samantha Egger type. Holy Holy,
We can move on from this. The end of the
world is not imminent because grown men wear sneakers into
bank buildings. It's because people like you, Carolina can only
think of yourself. I say, go back, understand your history,
(10:29):
pay homage to Samantha Eggar, take time to dress in
the morning, gargole, learn grooming habits, work with animals when
you can, and when the sun is shining, know that
it shines for everyone and not just for you. My
name is run Burgundy. Anyway, I have a special guest
(10:52):
waiting on the phone. She is one of the most
beloved women in the land, our first lady. Okay, great,
So you want me to connecting? Of course, why wouldn't you, Carolina,
it's the first lady. No, no, I know, just you
didn't pick a show and to watch tonight. But it's
sweet Crimson Tide. I did not. Okay, keep her on hold?
(11:13):
What is out there? What's what's hot? What? What are
you watching? Carolina? Um, I'm watching this show, The Wild.
Let me guess. The Wild is a show about a
young lawyer named Peter dan four who opens a law
practice deep in the heart of the Amazon Forest. Am
(11:33):
I close? It's about teenage girls stranded on an island.
Is there a character named Peter dan four? Damn it
so close? Okay, well, I'm not watching a show about
teenage girls without a Peter dan fourth character. So it's
back to the drawing board. There's no escaping the paralysis
of indecision. It's so much worse than Hamlet's dilemma in
(11:58):
the play Hamlet. Is that on Netflix. No, there's no
pain on this planet equal to not being able to
decide what to watch. I have suffered gunshot wounds and
knife stabbings, slaps in the face by heartbroken women. I've
been run through with the sword of an Egyptian prince.
(12:19):
I was dragged through the dirt by a horse for
six hours. Sharks have bitten me, elephants have trampled my body.
But the existential dread I feel staring at my TV
each night, with so many choices and no way to choose,
is far greater than any pain I've felt. So what's
it going to be, Carolina? What show will solve my dilemma?
(12:42):
I need something fresh and smart and snappy and sexy
and cool and yummy. Cha cha cha ah. Did you
ever see Stranger Things? I've seen strange things like a
pair of underwear that wrestles turtles. Assume that what you're
talking about. No, No, there was a hit show on
(13:03):
Netflix and everyone watched it. It's called Stranger Things and
it's actually a lot of fun. Oh okay, Well what's
it about? Um? Some kids who are into playing dungeons
and Dragons and then they discover another dimension Drake one
two and three kids games Dimension Next. Yeah, you know what,
let's just connect her. Now stop throwing that basic fodder
(13:25):
at me, little ce Ron. We talked about that. I
am so sorry as soon loon as it left my lips. Yeah,
I had instant regret because the hr yes please accept
talked about that. My sincereus apology for those words. Legally,
it's a problem understood, Okay, thank you. No, I have
(13:46):
chills right now. I'm just glad that we talked about it, luckily,
so we can. I feel great turn the page. You
are a patient, lovely human being. I just you know,
I lead with my heart and not with my it
a lot of times. Yeah, it's passion. It's a passion problem.
This is what I was really trying. I want something
fresh and sexy, you know, like like too cold water
(14:10):
salmon doing it on a wet rock. I'm going to
therapy or no, okay, I want something fresh and sexy,
like snow white going down on a loaf of bread.
Still off. I really don't like that, Okay. I want
something fresh and sexy, like driving nude around town in
a new Chevy Impala. You get that idea. It's actually
(14:34):
not the worst thing you've said today. Okay, good, let's
leave it at that. Imagery what what about Shark Tank?
Is that is that a show I might like? Yeah?
Maybe is it about sharks living in tanks? What about
The Bachelor? I've heard a lot about The Bachelor. That
could be my new show. Tell me about the Bachelor? Um, well,
(14:54):
it's a show where they find some bachelor and they
surround him with like twenty women that he can choose
to marry, and then they make it like a game,
I think, and each week he gets rid of one
of the women. Oh how he murders them? No, my
guess is that they're just told to go home. And
and this is a popular show. Yeah, there's like seasons.
(15:15):
I'm sorry, Carolina, ate too much fiber this morning. Did
you say there were twenty five seasons of The Bachelor?
Holy Mother of Earth? There are twenty five seasons of
a guy finding a wife from a pool of women
chosen for him by a network in a and a
show like Studio sixty is only on for one season.
(15:40):
I'll tell you what this is, futile. Let's play a game.
You say the name of a show and I'll guess
what it's about. If I get it right, then that's
what I'm going to watch tonight. Okay, great, let's do it, um,
And you just want the title, only the title, and
if I nail it, I'll watch it. Okay. How about
The Handmaid's Tale British spy draw set in the eighteen
(16:01):
forties in the seaside town of Brighton, Um, A young woman,
a handmaid, is discovered wandering the beach without any memory
of how she got there. Her tail unfolds, um, and
that wasn't wasn't close. Let's do Grace and Frankie love it? Okay.
(16:23):
Two dogs named Grace and Frankie stir up trouble in
a small Alabama town, stealing hot dogs and knocking over stuff.
The theme song is sung in barks wonderful, I shall
watch that. Dogs make me laugh and I love little
little snapshots of folksy hometown life. That's the one, no
(16:44):
it actually? It stars Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda. Well
then why did they give them dog names? Damn it?
These are too hard. You're you're trying to stop me.
Give me an easy one. Okay. Love Island, Oh, thank
you one. I know each week we are treated to
new arrived is looking for love on a magical island.
Will they find it? Or will they find out something
(17:05):
about themselves? Only the caretaker of the island and his
short friend Tattoo know the truth. Special guests include Barbara Eden,
Peter Lawford, Linda Carter, Television's Wonder Woman, and Dr Jay.
You're describing fantasy Island, So I was this Love Island?
Is not fantasy Island? Is it a mix between the
(17:25):
love Boat and fantasy Island? And does it take place
on a boat? Okay, here's one. The masked singer duh okay.
Eighteenth century French lover and thief Pierre Gordeaux, also known
as the Mass Singer, romances his way through many body
escapades with beautiful Parisian women, are keeping his eye on
(17:46):
the prize, the Crown Jewels. It's the born identity meets
the Three Musketeers. I love it. It's right up my alley.
Sword battles, costumes and women in tight dresses. The Mass Singer.
It's a in competition. You inks that a lot of
people were enraged when they turned that on and didn't
(18:06):
see sword fighting. Look into that. I don't know how
you're going to look into that, but let's look at me.
We'll try. Okay, give me another one. I feel like
I'm getting more intuitive. Um, what about the undoing? No
(18:31):
idea past? You're not going to try? Okay, what about shameless? Oh?
The Donald Trump story? Wonderful? I told a joke. Um, yes, good,
good joke. This is US sci fi crap about aliens.
Give me a break next. I believe this one is
(18:51):
a comedy about a family that lives on a boat
way out at sea, Homeland. I'd watch that. That's about
pilgrims making to the shores of Virginia. You're not good
at this, ron, No, I know what I'm doing. You're
not good at it. I mean, that's what's happening. I'm
just reading titles of TV shows so you can guess
what they are about. How am I not good at that?
(19:12):
You need to put a little clue into how you
read them. You know, for instance, the Mass Singer, you
could have sung that one, then then I would have
known it was about singing, and I would have guessed
a musical contest for sure, or maybe a musical about
a swashbuckling rogue named Pierre Gordeaux, which, by the way,
(19:33):
someone should make that one. Anyway, try putting something into it.
When you give me a title. Okay, okay, okay, I'm ready.
Um Paky Blind does mate, No boy, Carolina, that was amazing,
Do it again, Pakey Blind. The wonderful, just wonderful and simple.
(19:59):
So you made it easy. It's an Australian baking show
where everyone is blindfolded but can peak from time to
time at the competition. Yes, no, shouldn't you just pick
something and we can get onto our call with the
first lady. She's been on holds for this whole time.
If she's even there, Oh my god? Why? I I mean,
(20:19):
I'm having fun with our guessing game, young lady. Life
throws fun at you. Don't run from the fun funds
not consistent like the Sun funds, not the sun. Fun
is hard one. So when fun comes, a ton of
fun or just one fun, you gotta let it run. Okay,
(20:40):
I got it. Okay, give me another one. It's fun. Okay.
It's a movie called Molly's Game. Okay. I believe this
is about a woman who invents a game like part Cheesy,
but the patriarchy won't allow her to profit from it,
and that's when she takes matters into her own hand,
ends and takes no prisoners. Adult themes and nudity. Don't
(21:07):
forget your clues when saying the title. Um, okay, his
dark materials, his dark material, dark material, his dark material.
Oh I know, I got it. A loser kid works
in a photo lab and discovers a murder with his
(21:29):
best friend, a video gamer probably named Max Kelly. They
set out to capture the killer while being their normal
slacker selves. How did you get that? I was doing
a British accent and I tried to make it sound serious.
Well that one was too hard anyway. I gotta get
one of these eventually. Okay, what about this the NBA
(21:49):
on TNT people blowing up basketball players? Why would they
do that? No, you're not good at this? Uh sports Center.
It's a great, down and dirty show about the pain
of addiction, and it's toll on families. I'm way off now.
It's it's getting harder. I mean, I'm losing focus, Like
(22:11):
I gotta figure out what I'm what I'm watching, and
I just I just gotta. I can't go home unless
I know, and decision is killing me. One more, please
but hold on. Let me Let me offer a prayer
for my common book of prayer written by me run Burgundy.
Let us pray, Please, God, let me decide on a show.
(22:33):
Show your heavenly mercy on me, for I am brought
low before you, and beseech thee to give unto me
the name of a program that will calm the waters
of my soul. Okay, one more. If I don't get it,
I'm quitting this world. I'll shed my clothes and take
(22:54):
to the hills for the life of a hermit, living
off nuts and berries and rodents. Go Okay, Last one
Zoe's Extraordinary Playlist. Zoe's Extraordinary Playlist. Okay, here goes. After
(23:18):
an unusual event, a whip smart computer coder Zoe Clark
Yes magically begins to hear people's innermost wants and desires
through popular songs, and suddenly strangers, friends, co workers, and
(23:39):
family are unknowingly seeing their feelings just to her. Holy Yes,
you got it. I did. Yes, It's over. The torture
is over. What a release. I'm watching Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist tonight.
I can hardly wait. It's It's my new show, Carolina.
(24:00):
I love it. I simply adore it. I will watch
it every night if I can the same episode over
and over I found it the show I want to watch.
I was I was this close to eating small rodents,
and I was seriously seriously going to fire you this close?
Should we just should we see if the first Lady
is still on the line. It's almost too embarrassing how
(24:23):
long it took me to pick a show? Um, Why
don't you lie and say I was attacked this morning
by spider monkeys? Wait? No, tell her, Um, tell her
I have to emergency coach the Denver Nuggets? Which one
do you think she would buy? Either? Ron, You're right,
I should just face up to it like a man
and tell her the truth. I'm in love with her. Gosh,
(24:46):
darn it, what you're in love with the first Lady?
Jill Biden? This is too much. It is too much.
I'm a married man, but that doesn't stop me from
falling head over heels in love. Should I love my wife?
I happened to love the first Lady too. Maybe maybe
just tell her I've fallen and hit my head and
we'll have to have her on another show. I'm just
(25:07):
I'm simply too nervous to talk to her. So you
not being able to decide on a show was just
avoiding talking to the first lady because you are in
love with her. Yes, I mean, what do you want
me to say? Yes? Yes, then you know what you're
gonna watch tonight? Of course I'll catch up on the
Good Doctor and then get under the covers with an
(25:27):
old episode of Colombo or McMillan and Wife like I
do every night. What what are you going to watch tonight? Um?
I don't know. Maybe I'll just read a book. Wonderful, wonderful,
just wonderful. My name is Ron Burgundy. This has been
an illuminating podcast. Take time to think about it, tell
your friends and stay Glassie
Host
Will Ferrell
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