September 22, 2022 • 37 mins
Devin and Carolina have been through a lot but nothing could compare to the agony of watching the approximately 18 hour long finale of the Bachelorette in which they were forced to watch Rachel be humiliated by hologram clone host Jesse, intercut with footage of her trying to humiliate Tino, in response to him humiliating her by cheating, all while her parents watched. Thank god there was some lighthearted Gabby footage in there too, but sadly her new fiancé has a 90% chance of making her life worse. Plus - the new bachelor announcement that proves how desperate ABC is, a quick Segway into the Adam Levine cheating drama and finally a much deserved tribute to Tiffany “New York” Pollard.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:15):
Hello and welcome to true romance. This is Carolina Barlow.
This is Devin leary, or they put us through the
ringer last night. Listen, I've seen a lot of bad.
I've seen the good, bad and the ugly in life,
but also mostly in the things I've watched. Um, I people,
people know that I engage not just in Bravo reality
(00:38):
but TLC, discovery plus lifetime. Um, I've watched many seasons
of married at first sight, which is essentially a show
where a bunch of Wacka dus set up perfectly innocent
women with absolute psychopaths and forced them to get legally married. Okay,
this is the type of thing I've watched, but last
night's finale of the Bachelorette was the most deranged thing
(01:04):
that I've ever seen. I had to keep rewinding it
because I was like wait, what. First of all, it
opens with that guy, what's his name, Jesse, Jesse Palmer,
who is a terror. They need to replace him. He's unwatched,
I was thinking. I was like, if they don't replace
him after tonight, then they're just lazy like that. He
(01:25):
opens the episode standing there and basically telling us he's
like we as as the bachelor enterprises. I mean he
didn't say that, but he's like, bachelor enterprises decided to
have two bachelorettes because we thought that that would give
us a chance at double the love and double the happiness. Okay,
(01:46):
biggest lie I've ever heard in my life. We never
could have predicted that. Instead, we got double the drama.
Oh really, you guys never got predicted that that? We
never done a drama. We never wanted drama. And he
proceeds to be like, will Rachel and Gabby find love,
or will one of them be lied to about being
cheated on and another one being lied to about how
(02:09):
the guys had text with his friend? I'm like, Um,
let me think about that, let me try to guess.
Will they just find love and everything's fine, or will
they be cheated on and retrade over and over again?
I let me think about that. I'm not sure. And
then he's like let's find out. They sit there. They
start like how do we describe this? It's like they
(02:31):
it starts with Rachel's experience. That's like the episode. I
mean not even it should have been of the episode,
but for some reason it's three hours long, for God
knows why. But the beginning of the episode is like
we're it's the weirdest thing. It's like they're making us
watch this footage of Rachel getting engaged to Tino, and
then every five minutes it cuts back to Jesse being
(02:52):
like will Rachel remain happy or will she find out
that Tino betrayed her? And it's like, okay, we already sucking. No,
what's gonna Happen? Like just okay, so just talk about that.
Then I don't care that I don't want to watch
the proposal. Then I don't care, like it's fine. They
also keep like cutting to him talking to her, being
like so, Rachel, you thought everything was perfect, right, and
(03:13):
she's like yeah, correct, and he's like okay, well then,
let's just see if it stays that way. It's like
is this hell? Like is this what the Devil looks
like in Hell? Is like sitting across from you, making
you watch the memories where you thought a relationship was
gonna work and being like excuse me, Devon. So it
was this moment where you still thought everything was gonna
be good. Yeah, okay, well, let's see what happens next.
(03:33):
Like it's like that's actually hell, like it's it's it's
hadies and it's so funny. I was watching Um, the
old season five of Roney last night because my friend
hadn't seen the pirate episodes when Louian hooks up at
the pirate and okay, this is history. So this first story.
So yes, we will have to be we will have
(03:56):
to go to St Barts, which one of my favorite
parts about that tangent is at all of the women
are like one of my favorite places to go in
St Barts. This is my home away from home in
St Barts. I'm like, I guarantee you you've all been
to St Barts like one time. I know. It's like
like I always think about that where I'm like okay, fast,
like I'm like what did my parents tell me about that?
(04:17):
They remember. They're like, oh, TV will never be as
great as like Seinfeld and Colombo again, and I'm going
to be like okay. So there was Rena rose, and
then there was Patty Hilton's brand of Tequila and she
wanted to promote her brand and then Lisa Renna said
my friend Kendall Jenner has it Tequila that I want
to try. I'm like, that's what I'm gonna be telling
my children about and they'll be like wait, what? Okay,
(04:40):
so I'm in the middle of literally Lunne telling her
friends that she had hung out with a bunch of
Italian people last night when really, oh, it was great.
I had a bunch of friends that were Italian guys
walking coming over. It was amazing, can I say. Also,
our friend Sally had the funniest line about that scene
(05:02):
where she's like, Luanne thinks that like no one on
earth has ever spoken French before. Like she she makes
a phone call in French to the pirate guy and
she's like, okay, so don't know what, you can find
out how the hooked up, and it's like, okay, one
of the it's the second most easily subtitled language in America,
like I'm sure first most is Spanish and second most
is French. So it's actually gonna take under ten seconds
(05:24):
for Bravo producers to figure out how to tell us
all that she cheated on her husband. I know we're
not small town listeners, we can hack it. Yeah. So
I'm in the middle of that, like, which is cinema,
which is just exciting. It's Gina, and then I think
fuck me, I have to go watch Jesse Palmer talking
to camera for three hours, which is I had to do.
(05:47):
It felt like work. It felt like work and it's
so funny. Tino, like, listen, I know that I thought
he was attractive. I do not think that anymore. But
also he could not have been more of a red flag,
like he's trope on Bachelor, like he's the guy who's
way too eager, way too intense. He's clearly a problem.
It's clearly a problem. Very like you, there's incredibly low
(06:11):
like maybe we've heard him say five different words all
in the monitors. I actually want to read some of
their proposal language, if you'll bear with me a moment. Okay.
But also, can I just say off of what you
just said, like that I thought that exact same thing,
where it's like Jesse keeps saying like how shocking this
crazy twist of events and Rachel two is being like
I mean, I cannot believe it, like I never could have,
(06:33):
and I'm like really, like, listen, I'm not here to
victim blame, but just as someone who has been in
like really shitty relationships and then like the breakup happens,
it's like you have to at a certain point, go
like Oh, I actually could have seen that coming, but
she's like I never could have imagined that when I
thought I found the lot, like we all could have
(06:54):
imagined that. The funny part is that she's speaking to
Jesse as if Farantino had been lived together for seven years.
She's like, I'm completely blindsided. I thought I had met
the man I was going to spend the rest of
my life with. It's like, no, you met a man
on TV. You guys were together for two weeks and
you had difficulties. That's what I loved. She was like.
And then, yes, we face difficulties. Yes, there were. It
(07:16):
was difficult. We faced a lot of difficulties, and you're like, Babe,
this is a red flag. It's not like someone who's saying, like, yeah,
we were together for five years, obviously we hit some
rough patches. She's like, yes, I was doing press in
New York and it was really hard. It was hard
on me, I know, and it's like actually, if things
are still difficult, when, like everything you're doing is being
paid for and you're you've only been together for four weeks,
(07:38):
like that is a bad like really, things were difficult.
Then then I would hate to imagine when you have
to like decide if you're going to move from Florida
or not. Like I mean, I would hate that conversation
in general. If it became a conflict, I'd be like,
if you want to stay in Florida, we have bigger
problems than moving my friend. Okay, so when he proposes,
(08:01):
he says there's something I gotta say and she's like,
Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God, anyone
who does this to a girl as an asshole. And
then he goes like psychopath, this is never going away,
and she looks at him like you dirty trickster, and
then he says, Rachel, like this, you're the most beautiful
woman in the world. Your compassion, you're with, Your charm,
(08:23):
your intelligence make me fall in love with you more
and more every time I see you. It's like when
you see a child give like a speech about like
their grandmother at like a school recital. Every time we're together,
you make me feel like the center of Your Universe,
and I'm here today to make sure you'll be the
center of mine. This crazy love is going to look
too good to be true to some people, but it's
(08:44):
as real as it can be. Quite frankly, the only
person I care about understanding that is standing right in
front of me, and Rachel's Like I will yes a
million times. Yes, we're engaged, and they get on a
horse together. By the way, they keep showing that little
in her camera. They keep showing her parents looking Sullen,
like I'm like, why does this family need to be humiliating,
(09:06):
like there's like she's like, okay, I'm engaged, and because
to her dad looking like he wants to beat someone up,
and it's like, okay, Um, I would not believe they
had Tino there. So then, literally what is now a
trope and bachelor history, they have the breakup right after
the proposal. They have schedule. They schedule of film. Well,
(09:27):
at first I was annoyed because then they cut away
from the fantasy. And by the way, this is this
is actually almost word for word what happens. Jesse's like,
so that was you getting engaged and you thought that
that was the happiest you've ever been. Right, and she's
like yeah, I thought that was like my life was
better than ever. And he's like and then you found
out that Tino cheated on you and betrayed you and
(09:47):
she's like yes, and he's like, how are you holding up?
And she goes Um, not, not great, and he's like,
I'm sorry, I'm really sorry to hear that. So what's happening?
And then they cut to this this film to break up,
which all I can say is like what happened? So
this is the thing where it's supposed to be high
(10:09):
drama and like, like I said, I watched the full
gambit of things, including like love island, where it's like
fully sixty hours of television that I that I have
to watch. So it's basically a full time job. And
even during that there's like moments where I'm like truly riveted,
like during the breakup moments. It's like I can't look away.
I wish I could look away, I wish I could
(10:30):
do my job or live my life, but I can't.
So that's what this moment should have been. But honestly,
Rachel is so boring and Tino is so dumb that like,
during it, I had how would you feel bad for Tino? I,
even though he fully cheated, I've never feeled I do
not feel bad for cheaters. I'm not a monster. But
it was like watching a bitchy girl beat up a
(10:51):
dump kid. But also I was like it was I
was having that thing where, like when you're at like
a job interview, where you have to remind yourself to
focus and you're like, okay, let me think about how
I'm going to respond to what this person says, like
don't get distracted, don't think about your laundry, don't whatever.
That's what was happening. I was like okay, Devin, focus,
like listen to the words they were saying, but they
were just saying the same stupid words over and over again,
(11:11):
where she's like really, you want to talk about that?
You want to talk about if you love me, why
are you projecting this back on me? And he's like, Rachel,
I'm sorry, you're in pain. Like it was just the
same most over and over again, and like yes, I
agree that, like he was gas lighting her and he
was putting it on her and he sucks. But like
(11:32):
that was it and I wish there was there. There
was so much more nuance and like Gabby's brief conversation
with Eric where she's like I don't know if I'm
ready to get proposed to and she's like I feel
like people are telling me I'm crazy and I'm not crazy, like,
but do I stay in this experience or do I
give up? Because it's like there was so much more
nuance to that and she's such a more interesting, dynamic person, which,
by the way, then they cut to this week and
she's like yeah, so I decided to give him another chance,
(11:54):
even though we had there. She's like, anyway, it's fine, okay,
so I think today I'm getting a game. I'm like
what her? But still that was so much more interesting
than this conversation about being cheated on that honestly sounded
like a conversation about what to buy at home depot,
like that's how it felt. I also was just like, Rachel,
you're making me want to cheat on you right now,
like you're being so obnoxious. I and it was just
(12:15):
so like it was so scolding, and I was just like,
okay again, I hate cheaters and they're awful. He's a
piece of ship. We hate him, but she was so
she's there is something so fraudulent about her. I hate
to say that. There's something so fake and like posed,
like even when he leaves, after they have this long
back and forth, she just goes to the cameras and goes.
(12:37):
I mean, I feel crazy, like did that just happen?
If this was real, if the feelings were real, you
would literally be on the floor right now, like falling apart,
but instead you're just like Um, okay, uh, cuckoo alert,
like I feel crazy, I know. And also, like he said, basically,
like he's like taking off his mic and he's like, okay,
(12:58):
so she just brought me here to make me look bad,
and it's like, yeah, you're right, she brought you there
to film a scene where she could yell at you
because she wanted to feel better about what happened, and
like that is stupid. And like he sucks. Yes, I
hate him, but like it's kind of boring, like you said,
because it's not like there was any interest she had
and like, I don't know, it's like I feel like
(13:18):
they wanted it to be like that scene with I
think they started filming the like postseason's breakups, when the
Ari thing happened, where like Ari chose Becca and then
he went back on his decision and told her he
actually wanted to go back to be with Lauren instead,
and like that was one of the most riveting things
in television, because she basically starts crying and she's like
(13:38):
get away from me, and he won't leave her alone
and she's like leave Lee like and he's like, let
me talk to you, because he wanted to still be
the good guy or whatever. So the fact that Rachel
thinks this comparison that at all is honestly an insult.
Like I felt insulted. That's how I felt last night
watching the whole thing. I'm like, okay, I feel like
insulted and I feel like fuck you, like you think
(13:59):
you're getting something. Were on me by making me watch
something this stupid and pointless for an hour and a half.
Like that was the length of a full feature film.
Just watching Rachel talk about longer. It was like a
Christopher Nolan film. It was. It was, honestly, what's that?
It was tenant, it was tennant, it was and you
(14:19):
know what, tennant made an absolutely zero sense to me,
but I would rather rewatch Rachel. That's the thing too,
is that I actually do want to hear what happened.
And what they're doing is they keeping Rachel keeps being like, Oh,
you want to bring up when I said I didn't
love you. You You want to bring that up right now?
And I'm like she's like, we broke up, we were
going through difficult things that were personal, and I'm like, yeah,
(14:43):
that doesn't exist for me right now. Like say what
it was, to say what it was like. WHO's gay?
Who took a dump in the bed, like amper heard? No,
it's just like WHO's gay? Let's let's be let's be straight.
WHO's gay? Um, that's the name of our next podcast,
by the way. Um, yeah, we I. I simply cannot
(15:04):
waste any more time in my life on Um Rachel.
I will say that was something that I did think
was funny was that she you see a completely new
side of her personality instead of her being like Um,
what do you think? I'm pretty like baby doll boys.
Every time they shot to her watching the screen, she
had this Hiadah and you're like, okay, who are you?
(15:26):
Are you truly going to beat someone up? And then, Um,
of course, they surprised her with Avin and he's like hey, Rachel,
you want to get out of here? He might as
well have come on like a sponsored like motorcycle, like
or like come in a car they were selling, and
she's like it was really easy to walk here in
my doctor's shoals, extra support walking shoes, exactly. and Um, yeah,
(15:52):
he does like an old navy at with like people
dancing behind him. He's like this season form back to school,
you're gonna want to be fresh. I'm even and I'm
back back to school, like your kids are. Um, and that.
She's like, I would love nothing more and like runs
off with him. They keep the camera on Tino, who
honestly looks like Gaston at the end of beautying the beast.
(16:14):
He just doesn't have anything to say. Yeah, it's just
like again, I would because I thought, I think he
probably was like all right, few, yeah, and it's so awkward.
I was like this show was devolving into Jerry Springer,
like when he walked, when Tina walked on stage, in general,
there was like people booted, like yelled things, and I
was like this is a garbage television. Um, from someone
(16:36):
who did used to watch Jerry Springer, this is and
it had the same vibes where like there's a host
who's pretending to be like all right, all right, we're
gonna hear him out, we're gonna hear him out, and
then the worst this is when I was like, Jesse
Palmer should be fired, never allowed on any TV screens again.
Jesse looks to camera goes what just happened? Even just
took Rachel away. I have no idea where they're going.
(16:58):
It's like, Jesse, you did dress rehearsal, you did a
blocking rehearsal for this. Just shut the funk up. Stop
lying like that's the thing. I don't Bang. And, by
the way, that one that I can't even count how
many long exclusive footage trailers there were during this like
every it would be like, okay, Rachel, so did you
think you're gonna be happy? Oh well, did you ever
(17:19):
think you'd be betrayed? No, okay, let's see what happens.
But first we have exclusive footage from CBS. Is all
new show FBI, baby doctor. Yeah, like, and at one
point they're like all right, we have all right. Well,
speaking of betrayal, we have something the exclusive look at
the Kardashians on Hulu and it's like a ten second
(17:40):
thing of chloe being like I'm ready to talk about
the fact that Tristan Na and I are having another child.
And you know what? This made me think. I thought,
you know what this is actually the perfect show for,
quote unquote, the Kardashians to have a commercial during, because
you know who's just as fake and full of Shit
as this branchising? Our time is time. They're not going
(18:00):
to be honest. There's not nothing raw, and I'm just
like when I watch a show. Yes, granted, this is
not premium television, and it's it's nuance. It's nuance because
when I watched a show like sister wives, I watched
Christine Brown deciding to leave plural marriage and the plural
marriage lifestyle behind because she's gas lit by fucking Cody Brown,
(18:21):
who's terrible, and I think, yes, I'm behind her, and
then a few scenes later she says she doesn't believe
that the disease of Covid is actually real, and I think, okay,
these people are complicated, but watching this I think I
believe in humanity again. People are being real, people are
giving me what I want to see, people are being honest,
they're they're doing they're they're showing the raw experiences of
(18:42):
their life for my entertainment, and that makes me believe
in God. And then I turn on ABC and I
see this bullshit. Jesse Palmer was GRUNN IN A lab.
I don't even think people like I don't think that
I v F was used. I don't think people had
sex like I think he just showed up out of
like a Hologram. No, you're right, it's like that and
watch and when like that guy would grow with the
(19:02):
humans who all look the same. That's that's where Chris
Harrison and Jesse Palmer came out of that lab. I
am excited for Bachelor in Paradise. I honestly it's going
to be a relief. It looks like there could be
(19:22):
some good stuff there. I see a woman running on
the beach and just yelling Gibberish, which, yes, yeah, what
I'm looking for. Remember the one woman who came on
two different seasons and her storyline both times was that
she was she was like it's so hot, like I'm sweating,
and one of them too, was that she had made
out with one of the godly contestants uncles. You're like, yeah,
(19:44):
I kiss your uncle. It's like. This is the kind
of energy I'm looking for to speed through Gabby and Eric,
because I truly think Eric is, um the most bland
person of all time. But gabby is so funny, and
the fact that mimicking birds became a part of their
proposal was at least something different. I think the birds
(20:05):
were warning them, though. I think that was a warning sound.
It was they were ravens sent from the from the future. Literally,
when she said yes, there were cooks, and then when
they hugged right after their Kas and I was like, listen,
we can listen. What are you listening? Signs are real.
Signs are real. We've all had signs in our life,
(20:27):
and these birds were telling her to get away from
this guy. He has done blackface. He only went on
this show to help with his career. I mean that
was such a funny like spen they were trying to
do or he was like yeah, I mean no, I
I lead this girl on. I feel terrible. I tried
to break things off easy and yeah, I mean like,
if you need proof this process works, look at me.
(20:49):
I didn't know that I would be here and here
I am. He literally texted a girl and he was
dating and was like, okay, I'm sorry, but an opportunity
came up where I could actually do something with my
life and he meant go on the Bachelorette, go on
the Bachelorette. That's what he meant when he said I
thought I actually had an opportunity to do something with
my life. Yeah, and that just makes you think like
I'm grateful for what I have. I am grateful that
(21:13):
I'm not with someone like Eric and I feel bad
because Gabby is cool. I do think Gabby is a
little more chaotic than we know. Yeah, I can imagine
fights um coming up out of nowhere, and I say
that as someone who used to bring fights up out
of nowhere after a featurings. Okay, I think I say
this as someone who currently brings fights up out of nowhere.
(21:33):
I think she to be that hot. It's almost like, yeah,
there's a price to be paid. There's a price to
be paid. The Devil doesn't give you that for free. Listen,
in the world of Hades, which is ABC's the Bachelor
Nation Franchise, you can't. You do have to deal with
to make a deal with the devil and to get
(21:54):
to get to get a revolve model. Yeah, and speaking
of revolve model, to comment brief rely on this. Have
you read about this Adam Levine ship? Oh, Oh, I
was worried that we weren't going to touch on this. Okay,
that is truly the funniest thing that. It's the funniest
cheating scandal we've ever had. I know we've had like
(22:15):
Anthony Weiner sent weener picks and it's like, okay, play
on words, Whoo, but I'm five years old that I like.
That news is like ten years old. I still laughed
at it, but it did cost us to election and
you know, but whatever, but I don't want to talk
about that. Come on, Carolina, why is this like this?
This is what it's like to follow Carolina on twitter.
(22:36):
You're like, okay, I got my my feet. Is like
the Lisa arena eminem and jokes about how Tricia Patos
is raising the queen's reincarnated body as her baby. And
then I see, like wait, something about how Donald Trump
is the biggest criminal of our lifetime, and it's like
Carolina Barlow liked and I'm like, why did you have
to bring that into my fucking right? Yeah, but yes,
(22:58):
to recap, for any of our list sinners who do
not know about that Adam Levine scandal, Um, a instagram
model named Sumner came forward with some Tiktok receipts and
said that she was only coming forward because she had
shared some with her friends and they were trying to
sell them to outlets. But it's the fact that she
was involved with Adam Levine for a year. He's currently
(23:20):
married to Hatty Prince, who obviously a Victoria's secret model.
Obviously you still had to cheat it on her, even
though she's the mother of two of his children and
they're married. And Sumner, the instagram model, shows that out
of nowhere, after they hadn't been seeing each other for
a while, Adam Levine d m Sir on instagram saying Hey, Um,
I'm having another baby and if it's a boy, I'm
(23:42):
thinking of naming it sumner. You Okay with that? Dead
Serious in in capitals and you're like, as if she
was gonna be like l m AO NP, like go
for it. His D M s are so fucking embarrassing
at one point and he goes, you are one. I
was in times hotter in person, but so am I.
(24:03):
and then Tierra's laughing emoji. I would absolutely throw my
phone into a river if someone set me that. He
also goes. I might need to see it. That ass,
but like that's interesting. You're interested in ASS. Has Gone it,
I never would have fucking guest. Well, also, I saw,
I forget who posted this or or tweeted this, but
(24:25):
another celebrity. Oh it was Christelle. Oh my God, How
could Christ Chris Hells Toss Rochelle Rischelle, my beloved Rochelle Um,
posting this thing about like? I know. Actually, when we
were question I didn't want watch your selling sunset. I
just like her. I've watched all the sellings and I
have a lot to say about all of them, including
(24:47):
about Britney stowe's husband couldn't be happier. The best news
besides Adam Levine getting out in for literally almost getting
away with an affair and then ruining everything by trying
to name his son after hiss because he can't think
a better name. When there's if you're a celebrity, just
look around a room and like you will see frigid air.
That's a good name, like just anything, painting. I mean,
(25:08):
what's her Natricia Peyton named her daughter Malibu Barbie. Certain
that she was just like looking at the Daily Mail
and it's like more leaked photos from Greta gerwigs Barbie movie.
She's like, Oh, Barbie, that's the name. Anyway, the best
news after that is that Britney snow, thank God, to
voiced her husband after watching him on selling O C, which,
like I don't know why it took her actually watching
(25:29):
the show. I feel like when your husband tells you
like I want to go on a reality show called
selling o C. Maybe that's a red man. Who knows?
I've never been married. It's not like I know about that.
But Anyway, Chris Shell Strauss said that men need to
stop including like and my wife and I are like
working through this going like she's like, you've said enough,
(25:50):
stop speaking for your wife. I totally agree. Let the
wife come forward, let her be like Elizabeth Chamber is
doing an exclusive for et online and probably getting paid
like ten dollars to talk about Army Hammer. Let's let
that stuff happen. Don't let this man try to explain
what his wife went through by this humiliation, because it's
not only did people find out that her husband cheated
(26:11):
on her, they also found out that her husband is
a fucking idiot. It's also the most predictable thing ever.
Like if, honestly, if someone like John Legend cheated, I
think like the nation would go into mourning finding out
that Adam Levine cheated. You're like, honestly, I would be
surprised if he was loyal. I would be shocked. He
looks so truly disgusting. There was a picture of him
(26:34):
and his wife, body princely. She just happens to be
britishly gorgeous, and of course he goes after like the
most like fake tips, fake ass, Fake Lips, models like
that he can find. But there's a picture of them
together and he's wearing like a porno stash. He's sunburned,
he's covered in tattoos, which I generally love on men,
but on him he just looks like a rich asshole,
(26:56):
and I think that's what he is. He grew up
rich in L A. He's us a piece of ship.
Remember when he took off his shirt at the Super Bowl,
as if we wanted to see that, like you could
tell never want to see you could tell when he
took it off that he thought like America's women were
watching like, Oh my God, I just wish you would
take a shirt off, and it's like you're not, channing tatum. Also,
I loved that Sumner, the influencer, when she did the TIKTOK.
(27:19):
She's like, okay, so Maroon five is basically elevator music
at this point, so everyone's heard of it. I was
like wow, I think to stop US music. Yeah, it's
just so boring. And speaking of Boring, we have to
talk that there's a new bachelor, and Devin did call this.
Devin said I'm worried that the bachelor is going to
(27:41):
be Zach, who was one of the runner ups. If
you'll remember, and you might not because he's that boring,
he was the one who was like Rachel seems really
fake in our fantasy suite. So I do not think
I can do this. And it's truly sad because you're like, Oh,
you're actually a nerd, you actually think this is like
the process to find your wife. If, like, he looked
so caught off guard, like Whoa, she was like really
(28:04):
weird and like just kept asking me if I was
willing to get married. And now I feel really strange
about the whole thing. Oh, I feel angry about this because,
first of all, it's like I suddenly was like, Oh,
(28:24):
this must have been what it was like for those
doctors who tried to tell us like covid's going to
be a real, like serious disease, and everyone was like wait, what,
shut up, like including me. I was like in Las
Vegas on a trip, like okay, I'm supposed to use
hand sanitizer. That's how I felt this time, because I
was like, I really think Zack's going to be it,
and everyone's like no, no, it could never possibly choose
someone that boring. Well, here we are. I felt the
(28:45):
same way. I thought there's no way they could. I
was voting for meatball, as you guys know, but I
also thought like okay, so the choosing of of Gabby
and Rachel, despite Jesse trying to twist it as like
they only made the decision hoping to find people love,
the truth is there is a there is a tradition
in the bachelor nation franchise where someone who was deeply
(29:06):
wronged gets chosen as the Bachelor Bachelorette. So Rachel and
Gabby were deeply wronged by Clayton, who told them he
loved them and then left them for someone else, and
that's why they were chosen. And people were deeply wronged
this season, namely what is it meat ball, and also tyler,
(29:26):
who had to be humiliated in front of his family
in South Jersey, like there's people who deserved a chance
at love, and it's not putty's nephew, just I'm certain.
I'm certain they chose Zack just so that they can
have like scenes with putty where they're like, okay, guess what,
guess who's showing up with the group date? It's PUTTY, like. Well,
people also said that they think they chose Zack because
he actually really clearly wants to get married and they
(29:49):
need like a marriage, they need a way. They do
and but the funny thing is that Zach is such
a square. They of course, last night had again. They
need to find new producer, they're so bad. Last night
they had zack meet a few of his first contestants.
The girls are, you know, whatever, but each girl is
(30:10):
cooler than him, except for some stinkers, but each the
girl that he gives his first impression rose to so
much more beautiful, so much like more charming than him.
It's hard for me to imagine a person who isn't
more charming than him, because he's not charming at all. Like,
even if someone, like I said, people are complicated, even
if it was someone who doesn't believe Covid is a
real disease, or someone who was at January six, let's say.
(30:33):
That would be more interesting than Zack. At least. We
just have to find out who's the Republican and they
have to let people talk about political issues a and
they have to throw some randos in there. Let's throw
Tila Tequila in as a contestant. Let's get I love
New York back on our TV screens. Let's put people
let's make this more of a surprising show. No, I
(30:54):
don't think it's surprising when you go on a cruise.
I think that's boring. I don't think it's surprising when
you give audience members a cruise like certificate. I think
that's the beginning of a horror movie. Oh, that's a
good idea. We should write that together. Okay, I have
to say that, Um wait, I'm trying to find this
quote from I love New York, where she's like the
shoes that Jemma gave that that Jemma gave me because
(31:17):
I was really grateful for my algorithm that the day
the Queen died, my Tiktok Algorithm was still just like
showing me clips of I love New York but this
is actually from good reads dot Com and it's good
reads dot com slash tiffany Pollard slash quote slash quotable quote,
and this is a direct quote. I don't know if
you'll let me keep this in, but tiffany New York
(31:39):
Pollard says this on flavor of love in this exact tone,
pretty much. I would let Gemma know that she is
a fat cunt. and Um, the shoes that she gave
me were not something that I would particularly buy for myself.
They were old may than type of shoes, and she
(32:02):
said that those shoes were meant to be worn on
a beautiful woman. So, if that is the case, she
should have put them back on the rack and she
should have never even purchased them because she was unqualified
to own those shoes. If that's the case, and Um,
I think that gemma is just a disgrace. She's a
(32:23):
disgrace to women who are actually beautiful and Glassy and Um,
she just doesn't have the vernacular she thinks she possesses.
Somebody lied to her several times and told her that
she was fly hot and sexy and beautiful, and she's
nothing like that. She's nothing of the sort. I'm sorry,
(32:43):
this is one of the genius minds of our time.
I also love the Um Tiffany Pollard quote where, Um,
that crazy girl in the house says, you guys are
just mad because all my friends say I look like fiance.
Tiffany goes beyonce, be on say you look like Luther
Van Dross. I'm just saying, like this is one of
(33:06):
the most genius minds of our time, that the stuff
that she thought talk about Improv talk about being in
the moment in a performance like the stuff that she
thinks of, even the moments like where she would go
to her room and sit on her bed with like
her sunglasses on and like smoke a cigarette. It's like
we we we don't have performances like this. Exactly, exactly.
This is what ABC is missing, the fact that a
(33:27):
dating show existed where a monologue like this was given,
where it's like a story arc of a woman offering. Basically,
the story ARC is a woman that we got this
show with offers to let her borrow a pair of
shoes that, quote unquote, beautiful women wear, and Tiffany goes
into a long monologue about how many people have lied
(33:48):
to this person several times for her to believe that
she's qualified to wear shoes that beautiful women wear. Well,
I also want to say that you know that in
the audition for flavor of love, everyone loved Tiffany and
they realized that no one had asked her to audition.
She just showed up to auditions. People are like, Oh,
who brought her here? She just showed up. She's a genius. Also,
(34:10):
one of my favorite reality TV moments is when a
girl tells her to break a leg and she's like,
what did you just tell me? And she goes and
she's like yeah, no, I'M gonna get the part. That's
what I'm gonna do. And then later she's talking to
the guy and she's like, all these girls are getting
in my head. They're saying, you know, I'm gonna break
your leg, and he's like. The guy's like, oh, that's
(34:32):
what people say for good luck, and she literally puts
her head in her hands, like and she's like it
doesn't even matter because I'm so just starred. No one
will remember this. Also, the fact that, like, you know
that this is one of those things where it's like
a testimonial, where the producer was probably like so tiffany like,
what did you think of the shoes that Gema let
and she's like okay, so pretty much I would let
(34:53):
a fat gun and, Um, the shoes he gave me
were old, made in type of shoes. Uh. This is
the things that you can't an audience that grew up
on something like this. You can't then expect us to
stomach something as a sand and garbage as that. So
all of this was to say that that should not
(35:16):
be ashamed of himself and he needs to go. I
can only hope that we will have amazing female contestants.
They will make it. Yeah, we will make him cry repeatedly,
because we know that he's a crier. We know that
he's going to miss his mom, we know that he's
gonna like be fifty miles away from his mom freaking out.
That's true. I will say like Clayton's season that I
(35:38):
watched a few episodes of was incredibly good, and nothing
to do with Clayton. He's very boring and stupid, but
it was just like the women were amazing. Well, I
actually am excited for Bachelor in paradise and and and
Devin and I will take a taste we'll see if
it's right for the people. But we have so much
good television, good cinema coming up. We have love is
blind too, after the altar, by the way, which the
(36:02):
next episode. I have a lot to say about that,
so please stay tuned for that. We also have Potomac.
We also have batch in paradise. We are never going
to let you down, not like Jesse Palmer has, by
merely existing. Yeah, he's let the people down anyway. So
now that we've told a couple of people that they
(36:23):
should never have any business being on television and they
should go home, that's I think that's it for us today.
I love you, Devin. I love you, Carol. I want
(36:50):
true sorrow. Lovey, don't leave me hanging. I want your roles.
(37:11):
m
Hello and welcome to true romance. This is Carolina Barlow.
This is Devin leary, or they put us through the
ringer last night. Listen, I've seen a lot of bad.
I've seen the good, bad and the ugly in life,
but also mostly in the things I've watched. Um, I people,
people know that I engage not just in Bravo reality
(00:38):
but TLC, discovery plus lifetime. Um, I've watched many seasons
of married at first sight, which is essentially a show
where a bunch of Wacka dus set up perfectly innocent
women with absolute psychopaths and forced them to get legally married. Okay,
this is the type of thing I've watched, but last
night's finale of the Bachelorette was the most deranged thing
(01:04):
that I've ever seen. I had to keep rewinding it
because I was like wait, what. First of all, it
opens with that guy, what's his name, Jesse, Jesse Palmer,
who is a terror. They need to replace him. He's unwatched,
I was thinking. I was like, if they don't replace
him after tonight, then they're just lazy like that. He
(01:25):
opens the episode standing there and basically telling us he's
like we as as the bachelor enterprises. I mean he
didn't say that, but he's like, bachelor enterprises decided to
have two bachelorettes because we thought that that would give
us a chance at double the love and double the happiness. Okay,
(01:46):
biggest lie I've ever heard in my life. We never
could have predicted that. Instead, we got double the drama.
Oh really, you guys never got predicted that that? We
never done a drama. We never wanted drama. And he
proceeds to be like, will Rachel and Gabby find love,
or will one of them be lied to about being
cheated on and another one being lied to about how
(02:09):
the guys had text with his friend? I'm like, Um,
let me think about that, let me try to guess.
Will they just find love and everything's fine, or will
they be cheated on and retrade over and over again?
I let me think about that. I'm not sure. And
then he's like let's find out. They sit there. They
start like how do we describe this? It's like they
(02:31):
it starts with Rachel's experience. That's like the episode. I
mean not even it should have been of the episode,
but for some reason it's three hours long, for God
knows why. But the beginning of the episode is like
we're it's the weirdest thing. It's like they're making us
watch this footage of Rachel getting engaged to Tino, and
then every five minutes it cuts back to Jesse being
(02:52):
like will Rachel remain happy or will she find out
that Tino betrayed her? And it's like, okay, we already sucking. No,
what's gonna Happen? Like just okay, so just talk about that.
Then I don't care that I don't want to watch
the proposal. Then I don't care, like it's fine. They
also keep like cutting to him talking to her, being
like so, Rachel, you thought everything was perfect, right, and
(03:13):
she's like yeah, correct, and he's like okay, well then,
let's just see if it stays that way. It's like
is this hell? Like is this what the Devil looks
like in Hell? Is like sitting across from you, making
you watch the memories where you thought a relationship was
gonna work and being like excuse me, Devon. So it
was this moment where you still thought everything was gonna
be good. Yeah, okay, well, let's see what happens next.
(03:33):
Like it's like that's actually hell, like it's it's it's
hadies and it's so funny. I was watching Um, the
old season five of Roney last night because my friend
hadn't seen the pirate episodes when Louian hooks up at
the pirate and okay, this is history. So this first story.
So yes, we will have to be we will have
(03:56):
to go to St Barts, which one of my favorite
parts about that tangent is at all of the women
are like one of my favorite places to go in
St Barts. This is my home away from home in
St Barts. I'm like, I guarantee you you've all been
to St Barts like one time. I know. It's like
like I always think about that where I'm like okay, fast,
like I'm like what did my parents tell me about that?
(04:17):
They remember. They're like, oh, TV will never be as
great as like Seinfeld and Colombo again, and I'm going
to be like okay. So there was Rena rose, and
then there was Patty Hilton's brand of Tequila and she
wanted to promote her brand and then Lisa Renna said
my friend Kendall Jenner has it Tequila that I want
to try. I'm like, that's what I'm gonna be telling
my children about and they'll be like wait, what? Okay,
(04:40):
so I'm in the middle of literally Lunne telling her
friends that she had hung out with a bunch of
Italian people last night when really, oh, it was great.
I had a bunch of friends that were Italian guys
walking coming over. It was amazing, can I say. Also,
our friend Sally had the funniest line about that scene
(05:02):
where she's like, Luanne thinks that like no one on
earth has ever spoken French before. Like she she makes
a phone call in French to the pirate guy and
she's like, okay, so don't know what, you can find
out how the hooked up, and it's like, okay, one
of the it's the second most easily subtitled language in America,
like I'm sure first most is Spanish and second most
is French. So it's actually gonna take under ten seconds
(05:24):
for Bravo producers to figure out how to tell us
all that she cheated on her husband. I know we're
not small town listeners, we can hack it. Yeah. So
I'm in the middle of that, like, which is cinema,
which is just exciting. It's Gina, and then I think
fuck me, I have to go watch Jesse Palmer talking
to camera for three hours, which is I had to do.
(05:47):
It felt like work. It felt like work and it's
so funny. Tino, like, listen, I know that I thought
he was attractive. I do not think that anymore. But
also he could not have been more of a red flag,
like he's trope on Bachelor, like he's the guy who's
way too eager, way too intense. He's clearly a problem.
It's clearly a problem. Very like you, there's incredibly low
(06:11):
like maybe we've heard him say five different words all
in the monitors. I actually want to read some of
their proposal language, if you'll bear with me a moment. Okay.
But also, can I just say off of what you
just said, like that I thought that exact same thing,
where it's like Jesse keeps saying like how shocking this
crazy twist of events and Rachel two is being like
I mean, I cannot believe it, like I never could have,
(06:33):
and I'm like really, like, listen, I'm not here to
victim blame, but just as someone who has been in
like really shitty relationships and then like the breakup happens,
it's like you have to at a certain point, go
like Oh, I actually could have seen that coming, but
she's like I never could have imagined that when I
thought I found the lot, like we all could have
(06:54):
imagined that. The funny part is that she's speaking to
Jesse as if Farantino had been lived together for seven years.
She's like, I'm completely blindsided. I thought I had met
the man I was going to spend the rest of
my life with. It's like, no, you met a man
on TV. You guys were together for two weeks and
you had difficulties. That's what I loved. She was like.
And then, yes, we face difficulties. Yes, there were. It
(07:16):
was difficult. We faced a lot of difficulties, and you're like, Babe,
this is a red flag. It's not like someone who's saying, like, yeah,
we were together for five years, obviously we hit some
rough patches. She's like, yes, I was doing press in
New York and it was really hard. It was hard
on me, I know, and it's like actually, if things
are still difficult, when, like everything you're doing is being
paid for and you're you've only been together for four weeks,
(07:38):
like that is a bad like really, things were difficult.
Then then I would hate to imagine when you have
to like decide if you're going to move from Florida
or not. Like I mean, I would hate that conversation
in general. If it became a conflict, I'd be like,
if you want to stay in Florida, we have bigger
problems than moving my friend. Okay, so when he proposes,
(08:01):
he says there's something I gotta say and she's like,
Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God, anyone
who does this to a girl as an asshole. And
then he goes like psychopath, this is never going away,
and she looks at him like you dirty trickster, and
then he says, Rachel, like this, you're the most beautiful
woman in the world. Your compassion, you're with, Your charm,
(08:23):
your intelligence make me fall in love with you more
and more every time I see you. It's like when
you see a child give like a speech about like
their grandmother at like a school recital. Every time we're together,
you make me feel like the center of Your Universe,
and I'm here today to make sure you'll be the
center of mine. This crazy love is going to look
too good to be true to some people, but it's
(08:44):
as real as it can be. Quite frankly, the only
person I care about understanding that is standing right in
front of me, and Rachel's Like I will yes a
million times. Yes, we're engaged, and they get on a
horse together. By the way, they keep showing that little
in her camera. They keep showing her parents looking Sullen,
like I'm like, why does this family need to be humiliating,
(09:06):
like there's like she's like, okay, I'm engaged, and because
to her dad looking like he wants to beat someone up,
and it's like, okay, Um, I would not believe they
had Tino there. So then, literally what is now a
trope and bachelor history, they have the breakup right after
the proposal. They have schedule. They schedule of film. Well,
(09:27):
at first I was annoyed because then they cut away
from the fantasy. And by the way, this is this
is actually almost word for word what happens. Jesse's like,
so that was you getting engaged and you thought that
that was the happiest you've ever been. Right, and she's
like yeah, I thought that was like my life was
better than ever. And he's like and then you found
out that Tino cheated on you and betrayed you and
(09:47):
she's like yes, and he's like, how are you holding up?
And she goes Um, not, not great, and he's like,
I'm sorry, I'm really sorry to hear that. So what's happening?
And then they cut to this this film to break up,
which all I can say is like what happened? So
this is the thing where it's supposed to be high
(10:09):
drama and like, like I said, I watched the full
gambit of things, including like love island, where it's like
fully sixty hours of television that I that I have
to watch. So it's basically a full time job. And
even during that there's like moments where I'm like truly riveted,
like during the breakup moments. It's like I can't look away.
I wish I could look away, I wish I could
(10:30):
do my job or live my life, but I can't.
So that's what this moment should have been. But honestly,
Rachel is so boring and Tino is so dumb that like,
during it, I had how would you feel bad for Tino? I,
even though he fully cheated, I've never feeled I do
not feel bad for cheaters. I'm not a monster. But
it was like watching a bitchy girl beat up a
(10:51):
dump kid. But also I was like it was I
was having that thing where, like when you're at like
a job interview, where you have to remind yourself to
focus and you're like, okay, let me think about how
I'm going to respond to what this person says, like
don't get distracted, don't think about your laundry, don't whatever.
That's what was happening. I was like okay, Devin, focus,
like listen to the words they were saying, but they
were just saying the same stupid words over and over again,
(11:11):
where she's like really, you want to talk about that?
You want to talk about if you love me, why
are you projecting this back on me? And he's like, Rachel,
I'm sorry, you're in pain. Like it was just the
same most over and over again, and like yes, I
agree that, like he was gas lighting her and he
was putting it on her and he sucks. But like
(11:32):
that was it and I wish there was there. There
was so much more nuance and like Gabby's brief conversation
with Eric where she's like I don't know if I'm
ready to get proposed to and she's like I feel
like people are telling me I'm crazy and I'm not crazy, like,
but do I stay in this experience or do I
give up? Because it's like there was so much more
nuance to that and she's such a more interesting, dynamic person, which,
by the way, then they cut to this week and
she's like yeah, so I decided to give him another chance,
(11:54):
even though we had there. She's like, anyway, it's fine, okay,
so I think today I'm getting a game. I'm like
what her? But still that was so much more interesting
than this conversation about being cheated on that honestly sounded
like a conversation about what to buy at home depot,
like that's how it felt. I also was just like, Rachel,
you're making me want to cheat on you right now,
like you're being so obnoxious. I and it was just
(12:15):
so like it was so scolding, and I was just like,
okay again, I hate cheaters and they're awful. He's a
piece of ship. We hate him, but she was so
she's there is something so fraudulent about her. I hate
to say that. There's something so fake and like posed,
like even when he leaves, after they have this long
back and forth, she just goes to the cameras and goes.
(12:37):
I mean, I feel crazy, like did that just happen?
If this was real, if the feelings were real, you
would literally be on the floor right now, like falling apart,
but instead you're just like Um, okay, uh, cuckoo alert,
like I feel crazy, I know. And also, like he said, basically,
like he's like taking off his mic and he's like, okay,
(12:58):
so she just brought me here to make me look bad,
and it's like, yeah, you're right, she brought you there
to film a scene where she could yell at you
because she wanted to feel better about what happened, and
like that is stupid. And like he sucks. Yes, I
hate him, but like it's kind of boring, like you said,
because it's not like there was any interest she had
and like, I don't know, it's like I feel like
(13:18):
they wanted it to be like that scene with I
think they started filming the like postseason's breakups, when the
Ari thing happened, where like Ari chose Becca and then
he went back on his decision and told her he
actually wanted to go back to be with Lauren instead,
and like that was one of the most riveting things
in television, because she basically starts crying and she's like
(13:38):
get away from me, and he won't leave her alone
and she's like leave Lee like and he's like, let
me talk to you, because he wanted to still be
the good guy or whatever. So the fact that Rachel
thinks this comparison that at all is honestly an insult.
Like I felt insulted. That's how I felt last night
watching the whole thing. I'm like, okay, I feel like
insulted and I feel like fuck you, like you think
(13:59):
you're getting something. Were on me by making me watch
something this stupid and pointless for an hour and a half.
Like that was the length of a full feature film.
Just watching Rachel talk about longer. It was like a
Christopher Nolan film. It was. It was, honestly, what's that?
It was tenant, it was tennant, it was and you
(14:19):
know what, tennant made an absolutely zero sense to me,
but I would rather rewatch Rachel. That's the thing too,
is that I actually do want to hear what happened.
And what they're doing is they keeping Rachel keeps being like, Oh,
you want to bring up when I said I didn't
love you. You You want to bring that up right now?
And I'm like she's like, we broke up, we were
going through difficult things that were personal, and I'm like, yeah,
(14:43):
that doesn't exist for me right now. Like say what
it was, to say what it was like. WHO's gay?
Who took a dump in the bed, like amper heard? No,
it's just like WHO's gay? Let's let's be let's be straight.
WHO's gay? Um, that's the name of our next podcast,
by the way. Um, yeah, we I. I simply cannot
(15:04):
waste any more time in my life on Um Rachel.
I will say that was something that I did think
was funny was that she you see a completely new
side of her personality instead of her being like Um,
what do you think? I'm pretty like baby doll boys.
Every time they shot to her watching the screen, she
had this Hiadah and you're like, okay, who are you?
(15:26):
Are you truly going to beat someone up? And then, Um,
of course, they surprised her with Avin and he's like hey, Rachel,
you want to get out of here? He might as
well have come on like a sponsored like motorcycle, like
or like come in a car they were selling, and
she's like it was really easy to walk here in
my doctor's shoals, extra support walking shoes, exactly. and Um, yeah,
(15:52):
he does like an old navy at with like people
dancing behind him. He's like this season form back to school,
you're gonna want to be fresh. I'm even and I'm
back back to school, like your kids are. Um, and that.
She's like, I would love nothing more and like runs
off with him. They keep the camera on Tino, who
honestly looks like Gaston at the end of beautying the beast.
(16:14):
He just doesn't have anything to say. Yeah, it's just
like again, I would because I thought, I think he
probably was like all right, few, yeah, and it's so awkward.
I was like this show was devolving into Jerry Springer,
like when he walked, when Tina walked on stage, in general,
there was like people booted, like yelled things, and I
was like this is a garbage television. Um, from someone
(16:36):
who did used to watch Jerry Springer, this is and
it had the same vibes where like there's a host
who's pretending to be like all right, all right, we're
gonna hear him out, we're gonna hear him out, and
then the worst this is when I was like, Jesse
Palmer should be fired, never allowed on any TV screens again.
Jesse looks to camera goes what just happened? Even just
took Rachel away. I have no idea where they're going.
(16:58):
It's like, Jesse, you did dress rehearsal, you did a
blocking rehearsal for this. Just shut the funk up. Stop
lying like that's the thing. I don't Bang. And, by
the way, that one that I can't even count how
many long exclusive footage trailers there were during this like
every it would be like, okay, Rachel, so did you
think you're gonna be happy? Oh well, did you ever
(17:19):
think you'd be betrayed? No, okay, let's see what happens.
But first we have exclusive footage from CBS. Is all
new show FBI, baby doctor. Yeah, like, and at one
point they're like all right, we have all right. Well,
speaking of betrayal, we have something the exclusive look at
the Kardashians on Hulu and it's like a ten second
(17:40):
thing of chloe being like I'm ready to talk about
the fact that Tristan Na and I are having another child.
And you know what? This made me think. I thought,
you know what this is actually the perfect show for,
quote unquote, the Kardashians to have a commercial during, because
you know who's just as fake and full of Shit
as this branchising? Our time is time. They're not going
(18:00):
to be honest. There's not nothing raw, and I'm just
like when I watch a show. Yes, granted, this is
not premium television, and it's it's nuance. It's nuance because
when I watched a show like sister wives, I watched
Christine Brown deciding to leave plural marriage and the plural
marriage lifestyle behind because she's gas lit by fucking Cody Brown,
(18:21):
who's terrible, and I think, yes, I'm behind her, and
then a few scenes later she says she doesn't believe
that the disease of Covid is actually real, and I think, okay,
these people are complicated, but watching this I think I
believe in humanity again. People are being real, people are
giving me what I want to see, people are being honest,
they're they're doing they're they're showing the raw experiences of
(18:42):
their life for my entertainment, and that makes me believe
in God. And then I turn on ABC and I
see this bullshit. Jesse Palmer was GRUNN IN A lab.
I don't even think people like I don't think that
I v F was used. I don't think people had
sex like I think he just showed up out of
like a Hologram. No, you're right, it's like that and
watch and when like that guy would grow with the
(19:02):
humans who all look the same. That's that's where Chris
Harrison and Jesse Palmer came out of that lab. I
am excited for Bachelor in Paradise. I honestly it's going
to be a relief. It looks like there could be
(19:22):
some good stuff there. I see a woman running on
the beach and just yelling Gibberish, which, yes, yeah, what
I'm looking for. Remember the one woman who came on
two different seasons and her storyline both times was that
she was she was like it's so hot, like I'm sweating,
and one of them too, was that she had made
out with one of the godly contestants uncles. You're like, yeah,
(19:44):
I kiss your uncle. It's like. This is the kind
of energy I'm looking for to speed through Gabby and Eric,
because I truly think Eric is, um the most bland
person of all time. But gabby is so funny, and
the fact that mimicking birds became a part of their
proposal was at least something different. I think the birds
(20:05):
were warning them, though. I think that was a warning sound.
It was they were ravens sent from the from the future. Literally,
when she said yes, there were cooks, and then when
they hugged right after their Kas and I was like, listen,
we can listen. What are you listening? Signs are real.
Signs are real. We've all had signs in our life,
(20:27):
and these birds were telling her to get away from
this guy. He has done blackface. He only went on
this show to help with his career. I mean that
was such a funny like spen they were trying to
do or he was like yeah, I mean no, I
I lead this girl on. I feel terrible. I tried
to break things off easy and yeah, I mean like,
if you need proof this process works, look at me.
(20:49):
I didn't know that I would be here and here
I am. He literally texted a girl and he was
dating and was like, okay, I'm sorry, but an opportunity
came up where I could actually do something with my
life and he meant go on the Bachelorette, go on
the Bachelorette. That's what he meant when he said I
thought I actually had an opportunity to do something with
my life. Yeah, and that just makes you think like
I'm grateful for what I have. I am grateful that
(21:13):
I'm not with someone like Eric and I feel bad
because Gabby is cool. I do think Gabby is a
little more chaotic than we know. Yeah, I can imagine
fights um coming up out of nowhere, and I say
that as someone who used to bring fights up out
of nowhere after a featurings. Okay, I think I say
this as someone who currently brings fights up out of nowhere.
(21:33):
I think she to be that hot. It's almost like, yeah,
there's a price to be paid. There's a price to
be paid. The Devil doesn't give you that for free. Listen,
in the world of Hades, which is ABC's the Bachelor
Nation Franchise, you can't. You do have to deal with
to make a deal with the devil and to get
(21:54):
to get to get a revolve model. Yeah, and speaking
of revolve model, to comment brief rely on this. Have
you read about this Adam Levine ship? Oh, Oh, I
was worried that we weren't going to touch on this. Okay,
that is truly the funniest thing that. It's the funniest
cheating scandal we've ever had. I know we've had like
(22:15):
Anthony Weiner sent weener picks and it's like, okay, play
on words, Whoo, but I'm five years old that I like.
That news is like ten years old. I still laughed
at it, but it did cost us to election and
you know, but whatever, but I don't want to talk
about that. Come on, Carolina, why is this like this?
This is what it's like to follow Carolina on twitter.
(22:36):
You're like, okay, I got my my feet. Is like
the Lisa arena eminem and jokes about how Tricia Patos
is raising the queen's reincarnated body as her baby. And
then I see, like wait, something about how Donald Trump
is the biggest criminal of our lifetime, and it's like
Carolina Barlow liked and I'm like, why did you have
to bring that into my fucking right? Yeah, but yes,
(22:58):
to recap, for any of our list sinners who do
not know about that Adam Levine scandal, Um, a instagram
model named Sumner came forward with some Tiktok receipts and
said that she was only coming forward because she had
shared some with her friends and they were trying to
sell them to outlets. But it's the fact that she
was involved with Adam Levine for a year. He's currently
(23:20):
married to Hatty Prince, who obviously a Victoria's secret model.
Obviously you still had to cheat it on her, even
though she's the mother of two of his children and
they're married. And Sumner, the instagram model, shows that out
of nowhere, after they hadn't been seeing each other for
a while, Adam Levine d m Sir on instagram saying Hey, Um,
I'm having another baby and if it's a boy, I'm
(23:42):
thinking of naming it sumner. You Okay with that? Dead
Serious in in capitals and you're like, as if she
was gonna be like l m AO NP, like go
for it. His D M s are so fucking embarrassing
at one point and he goes, you are one. I
was in times hotter in person, but so am I.
(24:03):
and then Tierra's laughing emoji. I would absolutely throw my
phone into a river if someone set me that. He
also goes. I might need to see it. That ass,
but like that's interesting. You're interested in ASS. Has Gone it,
I never would have fucking guest. Well, also, I saw,
I forget who posted this or or tweeted this, but
(24:25):
another celebrity. Oh it was Christelle. Oh my God, How
could Christ Chris Hells Toss Rochelle Rischelle, my beloved Rochelle Um,
posting this thing about like? I know. Actually, when we
were question I didn't want watch your selling sunset. I
just like her. I've watched all the sellings and I
have a lot to say about all of them, including
(24:47):
about Britney stowe's husband couldn't be happier. The best news
besides Adam Levine getting out in for literally almost getting
away with an affair and then ruining everything by trying
to name his son after hiss because he can't think
a better name. When there's if you're a celebrity, just
look around a room and like you will see frigid air.
That's a good name, like just anything, painting. I mean,
(25:08):
what's her Natricia Peyton named her daughter Malibu Barbie. Certain
that she was just like looking at the Daily Mail
and it's like more leaked photos from Greta gerwigs Barbie movie.
She's like, Oh, Barbie, that's the name. Anyway, the best
news after that is that Britney snow, thank God, to
voiced her husband after watching him on selling O C, which,
like I don't know why it took her actually watching
(25:29):
the show. I feel like when your husband tells you
like I want to go on a reality show called
selling o C. Maybe that's a red man. Who knows?
I've never been married. It's not like I know about that.
But Anyway, Chris Shell Strauss said that men need to
stop including like and my wife and I are like
working through this going like she's like, you've said enough,
(25:50):
stop speaking for your wife. I totally agree. Let the
wife come forward, let her be like Elizabeth Chamber is
doing an exclusive for et online and probably getting paid
like ten dollars to talk about Army Hammer. Let's let
that stuff happen. Don't let this man try to explain
what his wife went through by this humiliation, because it's
not only did people find out that her husband cheated
(26:11):
on her, they also found out that her husband is
a fucking idiot. It's also the most predictable thing ever.
Like if, honestly, if someone like John Legend cheated, I
think like the nation would go into mourning finding out
that Adam Levine cheated. You're like, honestly, I would be
surprised if he was loyal. I would be shocked. He
looks so truly disgusting. There was a picture of him
(26:34):
and his wife, body princely. She just happens to be
britishly gorgeous, and of course he goes after like the
most like fake tips, fake ass, Fake Lips, models like
that he can find. But there's a picture of them
together and he's wearing like a porno stash. He's sunburned,
he's covered in tattoos, which I generally love on men,
but on him he just looks like a rich asshole,
(26:56):
and I think that's what he is. He grew up
rich in L A. He's us a piece of ship.
Remember when he took off his shirt at the Super Bowl,
as if we wanted to see that, like you could
tell never want to see you could tell when he
took it off that he thought like America's women were
watching like, Oh my God, I just wish you would
take a shirt off, and it's like you're not, channing tatum. Also,
I loved that Sumner, the influencer, when she did the TIKTOK.
(27:19):
She's like, okay, so Maroon five is basically elevator music
at this point, so everyone's heard of it. I was
like wow, I think to stop US music. Yeah, it's
just so boring. And speaking of Boring, we have to
talk that there's a new bachelor, and Devin did call this.
Devin said I'm worried that the bachelor is going to
(27:41):
be Zach, who was one of the runner ups. If
you'll remember, and you might not because he's that boring,
he was the one who was like Rachel seems really
fake in our fantasy suite. So I do not think
I can do this. And it's truly sad because you're like, Oh,
you're actually a nerd, you actually think this is like
the process to find your wife. If, like, he looked
so caught off guard, like Whoa, she was like really
(28:04):
weird and like just kept asking me if I was
willing to get married. And now I feel really strange
about the whole thing. Oh, I feel angry about this because,
first of all, it's like I suddenly was like, Oh,
(28:24):
this must have been what it was like for those
doctors who tried to tell us like covid's going to
be a real, like serious disease, and everyone was like wait, what,
shut up, like including me. I was like in Las
Vegas on a trip, like okay, I'm supposed to use
hand sanitizer. That's how I felt this time, because I
was like, I really think Zack's going to be it,
and everyone's like no, no, it could never possibly choose
someone that boring. Well, here we are. I felt the
(28:45):
same way. I thought there's no way they could. I
was voting for meatball, as you guys know, but I
also thought like okay, so the choosing of of Gabby
and Rachel, despite Jesse trying to twist it as like
they only made the decision hoping to find people love,
the truth is there is a there is a tradition
in the bachelor nation franchise where someone who was deeply
(29:06):
wronged gets chosen as the Bachelor Bachelorette. So Rachel and
Gabby were deeply wronged by Clayton, who told them he
loved them and then left them for someone else, and
that's why they were chosen. And people were deeply wronged
this season, namely what is it meat ball, and also tyler,
(29:26):
who had to be humiliated in front of his family
in South Jersey, like there's people who deserved a chance
at love, and it's not putty's nephew, just I'm certain.
I'm certain they chose Zack just so that they can
have like scenes with putty where they're like, okay, guess what,
guess who's showing up with the group date? It's PUTTY, like. Well,
people also said that they think they chose Zack because
he actually really clearly wants to get married and they
(29:49):
need like a marriage, they need a way. They do
and but the funny thing is that Zach is such
a square. They of course, last night had again. They
need to find new producer, they're so bad. Last night
they had zack meet a few of his first contestants.
The girls are, you know, whatever, but each girl is
(30:10):
cooler than him, except for some stinkers, but each the
girl that he gives his first impression rose to so
much more beautiful, so much like more charming than him.
It's hard for me to imagine a person who isn't
more charming than him, because he's not charming at all. Like,
even if someone, like I said, people are complicated, even
if it was someone who doesn't believe Covid is a
real disease, or someone who was at January six, let's say.
(30:33):
That would be more interesting than Zack. At least. We
just have to find out who's the Republican and they
have to let people talk about political issues a and
they have to throw some randos in there. Let's throw
Tila Tequila in as a contestant. Let's get I love
New York back on our TV screens. Let's put people
let's make this more of a surprising show. No, I
(30:54):
don't think it's surprising when you go on a cruise.
I think that's boring. I don't think it's surprising when
you give audience members a cruise like certificate. I think
that's the beginning of a horror movie. Oh, that's a
good idea. We should write that together. Okay, I have
to say that, Um wait, I'm trying to find this
quote from I love New York, where she's like the
shoes that Jemma gave that that Jemma gave me because
(31:17):
I was really grateful for my algorithm that the day
the Queen died, my Tiktok Algorithm was still just like
showing me clips of I love New York but this
is actually from good reads dot Com and it's good
reads dot com slash tiffany Pollard slash quote slash quotable quote,
and this is a direct quote. I don't know if
you'll let me keep this in, but tiffany New York
(31:39):
Pollard says this on flavor of love in this exact tone,
pretty much. I would let Gemma know that she is
a fat cunt. and Um, the shoes that she gave
me were not something that I would particularly buy for myself.
They were old may than type of shoes, and she
(32:02):
said that those shoes were meant to be worn on
a beautiful woman. So, if that is the case, she
should have put them back on the rack and she
should have never even purchased them because she was unqualified
to own those shoes. If that's the case, and Um,
I think that gemma is just a disgrace. She's a
(32:23):
disgrace to women who are actually beautiful and Glassy and Um,
she just doesn't have the vernacular she thinks she possesses.
Somebody lied to her several times and told her that
she was fly hot and sexy and beautiful, and she's
nothing like that. She's nothing of the sort. I'm sorry,
(32:43):
this is one of the genius minds of our time.
I also love the Um Tiffany Pollard quote where, Um,
that crazy girl in the house says, you guys are
just mad because all my friends say I look like fiance.
Tiffany goes beyonce, be on say you look like Luther
Van Dross. I'm just saying, like this is one of
(33:06):
the most genius minds of our time, that the stuff
that she thought talk about Improv talk about being in
the moment in a performance like the stuff that she
thinks of, even the moments like where she would go
to her room and sit on her bed with like
her sunglasses on and like smoke a cigarette. It's like
we we we don't have performances like this. Exactly, exactly.
This is what ABC is missing, the fact that a
(33:27):
dating show existed where a monologue like this was given,
where it's like a story arc of a woman offering. Basically,
the story ARC is a woman that we got this
show with offers to let her borrow a pair of
shoes that, quote unquote, beautiful women wear, and Tiffany goes
into a long monologue about how many people have lied
(33:48):
to this person several times for her to believe that
she's qualified to wear shoes that beautiful women wear. Well,
I also want to say that you know that in
the audition for flavor of love, everyone loved Tiffany and
they realized that no one had asked her to audition.
She just showed up to auditions. People are like, Oh,
who brought her here? She just showed up. She's a genius. Also,
(34:10):
one of my favorite reality TV moments is when a
girl tells her to break a leg and she's like,
what did you just tell me? And she goes and
she's like yeah, no, I'M gonna get the part. That's
what I'm gonna do. And then later she's talking to
the guy and she's like, all these girls are getting
in my head. They're saying, you know, I'm gonna break
your leg, and he's like. The guy's like, oh, that's
(34:32):
what people say for good luck, and she literally puts
her head in her hands, like and she's like it
doesn't even matter because I'm so just starred. No one
will remember this. Also, the fact that, like, you know
that this is one of those things where it's like
a testimonial, where the producer was probably like so tiffany like,
what did you think of the shoes that Gema let
and she's like okay, so pretty much I would let
(34:53):
a fat gun and, Um, the shoes he gave me
were old, made in type of shoes. Uh. This is
the things that you can't an audience that grew up
on something like this. You can't then expect us to
stomach something as a sand and garbage as that. So
all of this was to say that that should not
(35:16):
be ashamed of himself and he needs to go. I
can only hope that we will have amazing female contestants.
They will make it. Yeah, we will make him cry repeatedly,
because we know that he's a crier. We know that
he's going to miss his mom, we know that he's
gonna like be fifty miles away from his mom freaking out.
That's true. I will say like Clayton's season that I
(35:38):
watched a few episodes of was incredibly good, and nothing
to do with Clayton. He's very boring and stupid, but
it was just like the women were amazing. Well, I
actually am excited for Bachelor in paradise and and and
Devin and I will take a taste we'll see if
it's right for the people. But we have so much
good television, good cinema coming up. We have love is
blind too, after the altar, by the way, which the
(36:02):
next episode. I have a lot to say about that,
so please stay tuned for that. We also have Potomac.
We also have batch in paradise. We are never going
to let you down, not like Jesse Palmer has, by
merely existing. Yeah, he's let the people down anyway. So
now that we've told a couple of people that they
(36:23):
should never have any business being on television and they
should go home, that's I think that's it for us today.
I love you, Devin. I love you, Carol. I want
(36:50):
true sorrow. Lovey, don't leave me hanging. I want your roles.
(37:11):
m
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