September 27, 2024 • 37 mins
How satisfied are you with your sex life? Are you embarrassed to talk about sex with your friends or even your partner?
Jackie chats with Dr. Viviana Coles about the importance of sex and tips to spice things up in the bedroom that can improve your relationship.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey guys, I'm Jackie and this is just Jackie. Today's
podcast was brought about because I went out with my
girlfriends last week and I had such an interesting conversation.
One of them said, we were talking about what books
to bring on a trip because one of them was
going on a trip, And I said, are you reading anything?
(00:23):
And the other one said, I'm reading something really interesting
and then we bill said okay, what and she said
she's reading like erotica novels. And we both looked at
her like she was a little bit crazy, and honestly,
I got a little bit like shy, Like I didn't.
My first thought was like, that's weird. Who reads that crap?
(00:45):
But she started talking about it, and she was saying
that her Stex life has never been better, that she's
always in the moods since she started reading them, that
her husband loves it, that he started reading them also,
and like, honestly, my first response was stop, I don't
want to know anything else. But then my second response
was like, why is it weird for me but it's
(01:09):
not weird for her? Why am I feeling shame about
this conversation but she's not. And I went home and
I thought about it, and I thought to myself, like,
if there's two partners who are really enjoying something that's
not hurting anybody, why is that weird? And I think
it's not just me. I think there's a lot of women,
(01:30):
middle aged women who don't prioritize having fun with sex,
you know, like you think there's a certain number of
times per week that you have to hit in order
to have a normal sex life. But I think there's
a lot more to it than that. And I don't
think that your sex life needs to just be normal.
(01:52):
I think it can be no matter how long you've
been married, or no matter how old a woman is,
what she's experiencing, like menopause or changes in her life.
I think, you really there's no age liman on really
having fun with sex. And so I'm talking to an
amazing doctor today. Her name is doctor Vivianna Coles. She's
(02:15):
an author, an intimacy expert, and she has dedicated her
career to helping couples navigate emotional and intimacy challenges. She
was also the intimacy expert on the hit TV show
Married at First Site for six seasons plus. She is
the founder of the National Sex Therapy Institute and the
author of the Four Intimacy Styles The Key to Lasting
(02:39):
Physical Intimacy. So let's welcome doctor Vivianna Coles. Hi, Hi,
how are you. I'm good? Thank you for joining me.
I'm almost a little bit like nervous to have this
conversation because I'm not, you know, like I tend to
be a little bit more of a prude and it
(02:59):
had some just in conversations with friends lately that made
me a little uncomfortable and it left me thinking to myself,
why am I uncomfortable having these conversations, And so I'm
really eager to talk to you about that. And also,
like what middle aged women couldn't stand to sex, you know,
spice up or sex life a little right exactly?
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Yeah, that's great now, I'm.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
So first question, like, why do so many women feel
shame talking about this stuff?
Speaker 3 (03:29):
I think a lot of it has to do with
the lack of these conversations from their primary caregivers. A
lot of us were uh taught that sexuality was bad
in one way, shape or form, or that it was
to be avoided, not even joked about like it that
like they do with the boys, right, very early on,
(03:50):
and so I think for a lot of women it
truly comes from a place of it was a no
fly zone until you're supposed to be with depending on
what's going on a man, and then then all of
a sudden you unlock your sexuality based off of what
they little little they know, right, which is then it
(04:11):
ends up being very centric about them. And so I
just I feel like the shame comes from not knowing
a whole lot and also being told to avoid it
until a man tells you not to, right.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
Do you think it's also our generation, like our younger
people in their twenties, a lot more open about this
stuff or is it generational? Is it continuing?
Speaker 3 (04:34):
Certainly in some cultures it is generational. Still, I see
a lot of younger folk who still don't they have now.
At least the good thing is that they're getting that
education because there's better education.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Online now than there was before.
Speaker 3 (04:51):
So maybe they're not getting it from their schools or
from their parents, but at least they know that there's
some good information online. Whereas you know, when we were younger,
there was nothing online. There wasn't even you know, it
just wasn't for us, and anything that was in books
never even brought into the picture pleasure, desire, arousal. It
(05:14):
was all so clinical. Nowadays they are having more talks
about that, but it's still not enough.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
So why is it important to have a satisfying sex
life whether you're married. I guess it's different for I
don't know, is it different for whether you're married or not?
Like what it's important about it?
Speaker 3 (05:36):
I think it makes a difference if you're married or not.
I've been married for her seventeen years now, and I
find that a lot of my clients who have been
in relationships for at least in one relationship for at
least over a decade, it adds to the hope that
you can be together forever, because when it's not there,
(05:57):
it can really make you feel hopeless.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
It can make you feel like am I even with
the right person?
Speaker 3 (06:01):
I mean you start to question, you know, for so
many of them, they're questioning like are we even compatible?
Speaker 2 (06:07):
Should we?
Speaker 3 (06:08):
You know, yes, we've had a long history together, but
if we don't have things going well in the bedroom,
what is that a sign of? So I think for
a lot of people they really extrapolate, you know, whether
things are going well or not.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
Sexually into the rest of their connection. And I do
think that.
Speaker 3 (06:24):
For those of us who have decided to be in
monogamous relationships, especially if they're long term and committed, you.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
Know, who else are you going to get this from? Right?
It can? I mean who else is going to.
Speaker 3 (06:37):
Be able to be a part of that journey? Yes,
of course you can have your own individual journey, which
I'm a big fan of. But the connection, you know,
I wrote the four intimacy styles, it's bonding, release, giving, responsive,
All of those things that make up physical intimacy through
sexuality are not present. You can get the emotional intimacy,
(07:01):
which is great, But again, we are humans. We have
needs and we have desires and urges, and even in
people who struggle with that, they still want it.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
They want to want it.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
Speaking of needs, is it true? I mean I have
a lot of girlfriends and we talk and for a
lot of us, it's like, you know, we could take
it or leave it, generally because they're so busy and
we're tired, and like, I love it when we make
time for it, which is quite often, but you know,
there are many times that I could you know, easily
(07:34):
go without it. Do men have different needs than women.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
I think, yes, I think that they do, and I
think a lot of it has to do with how
they're socialized.
Speaker 2 (07:43):
Very early on to pay attention.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
To their sexuality, that it is a part of them
that they need to whether it's telling them, you know,
you need to control it, but they're always told to
be aware of it. Jokes have always said, like, you know,
how funny it is to have erections and to you know,
to masturbate, all of those things, and so I think
(08:05):
they've always been much more.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
Aware of their sexuality.
Speaker 3 (08:09):
Again, not always you know, in the most positive light,
Whereas I think that for women, especially women who are
very busy, who aren't prioritizing their desire, I think that
what ends up happening is they feel like the minute
that they're not on the same page about frequency or
(08:31):
just the motivation behind sexuality, again, something that I write
about a lot in my book, I think that's when
they start to say men are different women are built differently, and.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
They kind of give up on that idea that maybe
they could be.
Speaker 3 (08:45):
Doing something to nurture their sexual desire, maybe it could
be something that adds to their experience of their relationships,
and they purely see it as physical and I'm always
trying to help my clients to see it's not about
the physicality. Pretty much anybody healthy can have sex, that
they can have intercourse right now. Not everybody orgasms through intercourse,
(09:05):
and not everybody even experiences orgasms, but that's not the goal.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
The goal is to be able to.
Speaker 3 (09:11):
Experience pleasure and intimacy through sexuality. And some women give
up on that the minute that they think, oh, well,
just men are just so different.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
Wait, are there people who are not capable of orgasms?
Speaker 3 (09:24):
There are studies are showing that between ten and twenty
percent have never experienced an orgasm.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
And really, yeah, and it might have be no idea.
Speaker 2 (09:34):
It may not be that they're not capable.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
I mean, some studies have shown that some people just aren't,
but that's kind of the case for any situation. But
a lot of them, what I have found in my
office is they have not allowed themselves to get to that.
They get a little bit scared, they get anxious, they
get worried about the sensations building up to orgasm, and
(09:56):
so they back off. And if you've ever experienced this,
like a lot of women do, the minute you back
off things kind of go back down and they just
don't allow themselves to get there.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
And sometimes it's relational.
Speaker 3 (10:09):
Maybe they don't feel safe, they don't feel secure, they
don't want to have that vulnerability in front of their partner.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
They're worrying about.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
What's going to happen, what it's going to look like,
what their bodies are going to do, and they just
back off.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
Middle aged women, which is my target audience. Here, do
we go through changes that affect our libido, our I guess,
like the way that we feel about like I don't
o vasional dryness, Like, is that all part of menopause?
Speaker 3 (10:46):
Yeah, even through that's something that's actually a big issue
with women of all ages. I'm a big fan of
telling people men and women to make lubricant a part
of all of their sexual experiences, even from their first time.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
Because you cannot completely.
Speaker 3 (11:08):
You can't count on your body just reacting the way
that you'd like, and depending on the medications you're taking,
the level of stress you're under, you know what phases
of the moon, with the phase of your cycle, lubrication
may not be to the extent that you want. So
I'm like bypass that find a really good one. I
always have one back here.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Yeah, I wouldn't even know where to begin. There's certain
ingredients that you're not supposed to be using or anything
you would recommend.
Speaker 3 (11:36):
Yes, So if you're using condoms, then you do not
want to be using oil based lubricants. But if you're
just skinned to skin, oil based, it's fine. I'm a
big fan and I'm an advocate for Bloomy bloom I
and so much so that I have a code with them.
(11:58):
But I really appre that they have done all the
work to make sure that it's all natural products. They
have no none of the bad stuff, no fragrances, no
des no any of that. So it's very clean standard
and of course we want to make sure that we
keep things very clean because of our pH balance and
a lot of women they wonder why am I getting
(12:19):
so many UTIs? Why am I getting bacterialbatgonosis? Why is
there a smell that I don't like? You know, that's unusual,
and a lot of it can be coming from the
lubricants that they're using.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
Okay, great, but more than anything.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
With a lubricant as well.
Speaker 3 (12:34):
Just to add one little tidbit, the reason I talk
to men about it and kind of give them that
recommendation early on in our sessions.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Is because I think a.
Speaker 3 (12:42):
Lot of men have been told or had they seen
in pornography or maybe through friends, that lubrication equals level
of arousal and desire, and so if it's not present
to that degree, they might take it personally that is
such crock and so many men have been taught that,
(13:02):
and a lot of women feel very insecure about it.
And so I'm like, guys, those two things don't go together.
It's just like with anything else, Like sometimes you have
dry mouth, but like it just happen.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Right right, Well, that's good to know, yes, so we
don't have to feel bad about it. And so when
people come to you, like, so, what do people usually
come to you for because they love their husband but
they don't feel like having sex or is it just
two people who just want to spice things up?
Speaker 3 (13:33):
I get a lot more people who are really struggling.
They are I mean, I would say, I would venture
to say I get some of the most challenging issues,
which is that might look like couples who've been together
for a decade there's been infidelity, Couples who have been
together who are thinking about going out of their relationships
(13:57):
because they just don't have that physically intimate connection and
they want to make sure that they can before deciding
to call it quits or stepping out on the relationship.
Speaker 2 (14:09):
It's usually a lot more serious than just wanting to
spice it up.
Speaker 3 (14:14):
People tend to go to my YouTube or my Instagram
to spice it up, but as far as what it
is that they're really trying to get to is to say,
their marriages. For so many of these couples, it is
you know, oh my gosh, like we're not going to
make it. Or the kids, let's say the kids. They're
empty nesters and they just don't know how to enjoy
(14:35):
each other physically anymore.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
They can still have a good time, they can still
go to parties and to dinners together.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
Which I feel like is very common, very common.
Speaker 3 (14:45):
It's very common, but it doesn't have to be and
I think a lot of you know, something else that
I write about is this idea that the minute that
we come we become parents, we're socialized to be parents
number one top of the list, and that our coupleship
and you know, our relationship should be secondary or maybe
(15:07):
even tertiary, and I'm always telling people if you do that,
you will have to reap the ramifications of that later on,
and no one is going to be hurt. No one
is going to call you child protective services because you
and your partner are doing well together in the bedroom.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
And beyond, what do you consider? Is there a number
of times per week you would advise a married couple
to aim towards or is it a different standard.
Speaker 3 (15:37):
I'm more realistic than I think a lot of other
sex therapists are, and I think that depending on how
busy you are, if you can experience some sort of
sensual activity twice a week, you're doing great.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Now.
Speaker 3 (15:49):
That can include intercourse, that can include or it can
include touching and conclude massages. It can be taking a
shower together, anything that's like very sensual. You know, massage
is really nice too. But I would say try to
have some sort of central experience twice a week and
(16:09):
that's probably going to be satisfying. But then for other couples,
you know, they're three four times a week and it's
just part of their routine. And those are the people
that you see and every morning they're working out and
every evening they're having sex, and you know that happens too,
but much more often it's gonna beeah people who are like,
oh my gosh, it's been a couple of weeks, you know.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
Oh yeah, No, I don't think I'd make it a
couple of weeks, and my husband would definitely complain a
lot sooner than that point. So let's say you take
a regular old couple like me and my friends that
live in the suburbs, you know, having sex once maybe
twice a week, and just want to spice it up
a little bit. You know, I even get shy about
(16:53):
these conversations. But what do you suggest, Like what's your
opinion on porn or on toys or on Lainger all
that stuff?
Speaker 2 (17:00):
So all of the above. I actually I haven't launched
it yet, but I have a new intimacy.
Speaker 3 (17:09):
It's a intimate couple's kit and it's very discreet but
inside actually let me let me.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
Just grab one, okay, if you don't mind, so I
can explain the moment. It's exactly for this.
Speaker 3 (17:22):
It's for the couple who's like, you know what, we
want to spice things up, but we don't necessarily like
to go to the stores.
Speaker 2 (17:27):
And that's just kind of cheesy.
Speaker 3 (17:29):
And I don't like the ingredients that you can get,
Like you know, I'm not going.
Speaker 1 (17:33):
To need all the above. Yes, it's like you want.
Speaker 3 (17:36):
You want something classy yet really clean standard put something fun.
So in my vivid fantasy, I've included a play toy,
something a little vibrating. I have I created a sense
specifically for it called pillow Talk.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
I guess I'm going to send you one, Jackie, Yes please,
I think you'll have a lot of fun.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
Would be very grateful.
Speaker 3 (18:02):
And a loop of course, and then a fun sash
that can be used as a blindfold or a restraint.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
But here's the thing.
Speaker 3 (18:11):
It's not enough to just have a little kit that
has this in it. You have to explain exactly how
to use it in some fun.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
Ways to use it.
Speaker 2 (18:18):
So I've actually included.
Speaker 3 (18:19):
In it a QR code only for the people who
buy the book. By the it looks like a book,
that's why it's discreet who buy the kid, And it
includes at least three different ways to use these and
to role play and kind of explore a little.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Bit of light bondage.
Speaker 3 (18:36):
Maybe you're not going to Rocky Road, you're Vanilla you
don't want to go to Rocky Road. Maybe you go
to French Vanilla. But it explains the importance of how
to use your senses, of how to be of course vulnerable,
and how to safely explore some fund spicing up that
doesn't include maybe toys that are intimidating or motions that
(18:56):
you end up wanting to wipe right off because they're
burning you. Nothing too wild, but it's it's kind of
like a beginner, little little kit for couples.
Speaker 1 (19:07):
I love that, definitely.
Speaker 2 (19:09):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Definitely Send me one. Okay, So outside of that, like,
my opinion on lingerie has always been, like what's the point, right,
I mean, when you're like dating, that's one thing you
want to look sexy, but like now it goes on
two seconds later it comes off, like is it worth it?
Speaker 3 (19:25):
So it's only worth it, I think if because I'm
a big fan of having just nice undergarments, right like,
and I think that it's only worth it if it
actually enhances the way that you see yourself, the way
that if it's helping you to tap into your own sexuality,
(19:45):
one hundred percent invest in it. But if it's just
because you're trying to do what people say you're supposed
to do, quote unquote, I don't think your partner.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
Needs it, right, I really don't.
Speaker 3 (19:59):
But if it's something that you're like, you know what,
when I wear lace, when I wear silk, when I
wear this particular color, or maybe when I have a
little peekaboo nipple going on, that makes me feel sexy
and it makes me it reminds me to get into
that sexy headspace almost like it's a placeholder, Like you
put it on and you're like, oh my gosh, I'm
(20:19):
now in this sexy headspace.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
Totally worth it.
Speaker 3 (20:22):
Do whatever it takes to get to that sexy headspace
because so many women have trouble accessing it.
Speaker 1 (20:28):
Yes, I can totally see that.
Speaker 3 (20:29):
Yeah, men are really good about allowing sexy thoughts to
come into their brains, maybe have a seat, depending on
the situation, or you know, telling them to stay a while, right.
A lot of men tend to masturbate way more often
than women do. But other times they'll let those thoughts in,
They let them kind of swirl around and they're gone
(20:51):
in sixty seconds or less, maybe even ten seconds.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
Whereas with women, I feel like we have.
Speaker 3 (20:56):
Been socialized and I'm really trying to get the word
out there for women to.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Allow those thoughts in.
Speaker 3 (21:03):
Let them stay awhile, even if you're like at a
kid's party and you're like, oh my gosh, I'm thinking
about what just happened with my husband the other night.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
Let it stick around.
Speaker 3 (21:12):
Don't feel shame, guilt, don't feel naughty or maybe even
like you're a bad girl, quote unquote, just because you're
allowing these thoughts in. Because I think for a lot
of women, the reason that they feel like having sex
or getting into a sexual experience is like on and
off switch it's cold to hot, is because they don't
(21:33):
have that what I call pillow talk, that underlying sensuality,
that current of sensuality that a lot of men are
very good about tapping into.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
They let the thoughts in, they stick.
Speaker 3 (21:43):
Around, they maybe even feel a little bit of arousal,
and then they let it go, and for a lot
of women, they just don't. For a lot of women,
it's like the thoughts come and it's like swat away,
Oh my gosh, why am I having this thought right now?
Oh my gosh, this yeah, Oh my gosh. And it's
almost like they think some wrong is happening. Well, guess what.
Your brain is your largest sex.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
Organ, So you want this what?
Speaker 1 (22:06):
Yes, it is the littlest thing. It means that.
Speaker 2 (22:10):
Gosh, I'm just going to tell you all the things
that I tell.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
My Yeah, tell me all the things.
Speaker 2 (22:16):
A lot of women need to be reading erotica.
Speaker 1 (22:19):
Okay, because this is where I started my conversation because
a friend told me she was reading erotica and she's like,
I've never had better sex in my life. And I'm like, yeah,
that sounds right. First instinct was like, that's weird, but
then I was like, is that weird?
Speaker 3 (22:32):
It's totally not weird, And I'm actually creating something that
I won't mention just yet, but it has to do
with this because I feel so strongly that.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
And I've seen it.
Speaker 3 (22:41):
The couples where the women and the men sometimes are
a part of it, who read twenty minutes of erotica
every night or every other night, or find the time
to do that or listen to it. Right, there's audio
erotica as well. They have the best sex lives because
they are allowing for an intentional time for those thoughts
(23:02):
to come in and sit around. They maybe even have
a little bit of their sexual response cycle that gets
peaked a.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Little bit, even if it doesn't like.
Speaker 3 (23:11):
Go all the way, so to say, but they are
allowing sexy thoughts and they are using their brain. And
when you get that mind body connection, it's so much
easier to tap into your desire. And so those women, yes,
and not just that, but the men tell me, they're like,
I had no idea what the fuss was about erotica,
and like, you know all these novels, but now I
(23:34):
understand what foreplay is. They didn't, you know, like because
otherwise who's going to teach them? A lot of women
like I want in and out like just so they're
not even asking for the fore plate.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
They need it.
Speaker 3 (23:46):
You know, women need about twenty minutes of foreplay to
even get aroused. So long time you're doing that, yeah,
if you're if you're listening to erotica or reading erotica,
you give yourself.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
That warm up.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
And I love that.
Speaker 2 (24:01):
It's amazing.
Speaker 3 (24:02):
It's totally it's life changing for so many women, and
a lot of people who tell me, like, hey, I
can't afford to come see you, because I do take
clients and I see them every day, but I can't
afford to come see you, or I just don't have
the time, or I'm not in the state that you're licensed,
then one of them. And I always say, you know what,
start with erotica and get back to me in a month.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
Let me know how you're doing.
Speaker 1 (24:22):
If you have a recommendation, send it to me, and
then I'll share it with my listeners.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
Yeah, I will.
Speaker 3 (24:27):
I'm going to I'm going to share with you something
special that that I'm doing, and I'll have my team
send it over to you.
Speaker 2 (24:33):
But what I was going to say.
Speaker 3 (24:34):
Is that I very rarely will give an actual, concrete example.
Let me tell you why so many women have backgrounds
that there could be trauma, there could be just a
real turn And so unfortunately I can't say, hey, Jackie,
you need to listen to this, because if you listen
(24:56):
to it, you might be like repulsed.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
Or you might be a situation, it might be.
Speaker 3 (25:00):
Morally repugnant to you. It might be something that completely
like turns you off.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
Well, that's my issue with porn is that like once
sometimes like I'll be watching one with my husband and
I'm like, this situation just doesn't seem like she looks
too young, or I don't like or the way he's
treating her, yeah, or.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
Like the tattoo or the piercing. Is someone just like yes, yes, Well,
this is what I tell people all the time. It's
so funny.
Speaker 3 (25:29):
Anyone who's listening to this that's ever heard me talk
about this knows that this is what I tell people
all the time. Don't watch visual pornography because first of all,
there's a lot of issues with you know, the humanitarian
side of it, but also you typically will get caught
up on the things that really aren't the point. Men
are very good at looking at particular parts of a video.
(25:53):
Women look at the whole story, which is why erotic
literature is so it's meant for us. That's why there
are those hot when you know, romance novels and walgreens
are that our grandmother's read, because this is how our
brains work. Now, So skip the vision, get to the pointy,
skip the visual part.
Speaker 2 (26:12):
Stick with the story lines.
Speaker 3 (26:14):
And short story books, I will say, just as a
as a whole, short story books tend to get to
the point a little quicker in case you're not like
a super fast reader and you want to like really
have some more of them.
Speaker 1 (26:25):
So to see.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
But yeah, get out of the visual and get into
your brain.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
What were you going to share with us?
Speaker 2 (26:39):
Okay, okay, I'll just share it.
Speaker 3 (26:41):
So I have been working on a it's it's kind
of like a choose your own sexy adventure and it's
all having to do with my vivid fantasy. It's a
it's an assignment that I've done and exercise in office
for the past few decades with my clients where I
help them to create their own own fantasy. Because so
(27:01):
many women and you probably have friends like this. I
know I do too. We say like I never fantasize
or whenever I do mastur rate, it's purely physical.
Speaker 2 (27:11):
And I'm not in my head.
Speaker 3 (27:13):
And I ask them if they can even come up
with something that is sexy to them, and they're like,
I just don't know, Like that's just not me. So
then I put them through what I've now put onto
a digital kind of quiz type of thing where they
build their own fantasy and they get the result that
allows for them to then read it as if it's
(27:34):
their own erotic literature story.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
I love that, yeah, so much. Adventure Girl. When I
was a kid in the eighties. So this is right
out of my alley. But I love that because then
you can decide for yourself the way the story ends.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
And there are lots of brilliant, you know, permutations of it.
But it really get people thinking because.
Speaker 3 (27:56):
The old the result of doing this in office with
my clients that I would look up at them at
the end of it because I wouldn't do a lot
of I do a lot of asking questions and writing,
but not a lot of you know, I didn't want
to look at them too much just because they were
a little self conscious.
Speaker 2 (28:11):
But at the end of it, I mean, there would be.
Speaker 3 (28:13):
Tears streaming down their face, like I can't believe that
was inside of me.
Speaker 2 (28:17):
Oh my gosh. I'm like, yes, you are a sexual being.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
I love that. Yes, I would love to see that.
How important is it to switch up where in the
house us sex because I tend to like ninety percent
of our sexes in the same room. Yeah, it's in
our bedroom.
Speaker 3 (28:33):
I think that's also another easy way to kind of
make things feel a little.
Speaker 2 (28:37):
Bit more novel.
Speaker 3 (28:38):
Maybe they're not as comfortable and you can't just roll
over and go to sleep, but it does you know,
anytime you can create something that's different, whether it's lighting
a different candle, changing the way, changing the music. Maybe
you have a little bit of music and maybe you
change that up. Whether it's you know, putting down a
satin sheet, just anything that changes up the routine is
(29:01):
going to enhance the experience. If you decide you want
to use a different toy, if you decide you want
to wear lingerie a different color, if you know, you decide, hey,
we're going to use this little blindfold.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
And restraint from doctor Vianna. As a kid, you know,
things like that.
Speaker 3 (29:16):
Can really it can really enhance the experience because your
brain doesn't know like this, oh novel, this is like
shiny and new right.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
And if you were going to tell your clients to
buy one sex toy outside of a vibrator, I mean
most women that I know have a vibrator. I am
completely unfamiliar. I know I sound like based on Compreid
right now, but like, I'm completely unfamiliar with other types
of sex toys. I don't even know what a cocfering is.
I've heard of it, But what would you tell them
(29:45):
to start with.
Speaker 3 (29:46):
It's fun to start with a restraint slash sash which
is why really.
Speaker 1 (29:50):
And like what do you do with it? Like that
would end up as my bendaa like a higher.
Speaker 3 (29:56):
It's aicularly really nice BANDM Well, so what you can
do with it? First of all, you if and this
is kind of for future ideas that I'm going to
be adding to the page where they get all of
their fun exciting new ways of using it, but just
as a blindfold to begin with, use it as a blindfold,
(30:16):
feed each other. Maybe they can smell different sense maybe
because anytime you take away one sense it enhances the others.
The other thing that you can do with it is
true restrain one arm, both hands, one foot, both legs.
I mean you can you can even tie yourselves to
each other and see what you can do. And again
(30:39):
this is all like my clients really love instructions. They
want like do this and then do this, and so
it's all included in it. And then the other thing,
for just a little future heads up is that you
can use it as a gag, which is kind of
fun too. Oh explain you can your mouth to gag
your mouth?
Speaker 1 (30:59):
Oh no, there's now and that's that's a turn on
for a lot of people who talk for a living
like myself. Huh yeah, amazing. I love it. Before I
let you go, I just I do have a few
other questions. Sure all this talking. You know, there's like
a Secret Lives of Mormon Wives on right now and
(31:20):
I haven't watched it, but there's a lot of talk
of like swinging.
Speaker 3 (31:23):
Jackie started it last night and ended up watching like
four episodes.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
Really it's that good, I know, I have to start.
Speaker 3 (31:30):
It's so it's okay, it's like it's so, I don't know,
it's cringey. It's very cringey, but yeah, it is very
sexy what they're talking about.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
So is swinging that first of all, the swinging ruin
a marriage, but also is it that common?
Speaker 3 (31:49):
It's becoming more and more common as couples are trying
to find an alternative to working on things through therapy.
That's what they're trying to do. So so many people
are like, oh, let's spice up our sex life, and
instead of doing like maybe baby stuff, they're diving into
(32:10):
the deep end. And that is not the most I guess,
effective and productive way and healthiest way of exploring swinging.
Speaker 2 (32:21):
But I think so many people don't realize what they
don't know what they don't know.
Speaker 3 (32:26):
So I get a lot of couples who come in
to talk about, Hey, we're thinking about swinging, or we're
thinking about opening our relationship emotionally. There are so many
questions that I asked them, and I would say ninety
percent of them they're like, Oh, we hadn't considered that.
Speaker 1 (32:43):
And in the end, do they end up choosing it.
Speaker 3 (32:45):
In the end, they usually don't because I ask them
to try a couple other things that are not so
let's say invasive, not so don't have the consequences that
if it doesn't go well, if it doesn't go well
for either or both partners, it's a really big hurdle
to risk here. You know, I'm not going to tell
(33:07):
people no, you cannot or no, I would never want
you to, but there are steps.
Speaker 2 (33:12):
I know.
Speaker 3 (33:12):
I tell people it's the same thing with anal sex.
I'm not going to tell you no. But it's not
something that you just try on a Saturday night. If
you're really wanting it to feel good, you need to
build up your body, You need to work on things
as a couple to make sure that it's not just
something you just try. Oh, we're just going to try
to know, people get hurt and then they never want
to do that again or you know, right, So it's
(33:36):
just like with that you can get very hurt and
it can also be something that you never overcome as a.
Speaker 1 (33:42):
Co So for the you know, I was just thinking
about it because it just seems so foreign to me
to like bring someone else into your like be intimate
with someone else and go back to your marriage. But
then again I'm apprued, so okay. So top tips for
the board suburban couple having sex once or twice a week.
I want to space things up.
Speaker 2 (34:04):
The books, Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 3 (34:07):
If you're wanting to learn more about the why behind
why it's so important to have a physical connection forever,
then read my book Before Intimacy Status.
Speaker 2 (34:17):
If you're looking for ways to.
Speaker 3 (34:18):
Kind of enhance your own desire and create that mind
body connection, look into erotica and of course my Vivid
Fantasy that's going to have the option for you to
create your own fantasy. And then for those of you
who are like you know what, we want to try something,
but we need to be told what to do exactly,
or else we probably will just let it sit in
the nightstand or in the closet forever, then get the
(34:41):
my vivid fantasy intimate couple's kid. But otherwise I think
it's so important to just talk about it, even for
a wife to tell their husband, like, Hey, what do
you think about, like maybe trying something new next time
we're in bed, or I've been worried that maybe because
you know, we're going on year nine or we're going
(35:01):
on year twenty three.
Speaker 2 (35:03):
I don't want.
Speaker 3 (35:04):
Things to get stale? Can we should start incorporating something new?
Just as a preventative. I'm happy with the way that
things are, even if you're not. Maybe you say that
just to kind of keep the conversation going, but I'd
like to prevent you know, I want to be proactive
about our sexual relationship, something as simple as changing up
(35:24):
the order of when you have sex. So a lot
of people wait till the end of a date night,
or they wait until the kids are asleep to have sex.
The sex first approach is also really fun too, where
instead of waiting until the end of the date night,
you have sex at the beginning of the date night,
so that you know, first of all, you check it
off the list, but also you're kind of riding that way.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
For the whole evening, which is kind of nice.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
She just got to fix up your hair and nake
it afterwards. Hopefully, hopefully it's really wealthy.
Speaker 2 (35:52):
It depends on what you're doing, right right, I guess.
Speaker 1 (35:54):
So this is amazing. Thank you so much. I look
forward to getting your I'm sure my husband looks forward
to it as well, and I will definitely be reading
your book. It sounds great, and thank you so much
for joining me.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (36:11):
Everybody check me out at doctor Viviana dot com and
spell out doctor on all my socials, my YouTube channel
all that. I'd love to give away lots of free information,
but there's definitely some fun info on my website.
Speaker 1 (36:24):
Beautiful. Thank you, Thanks Jacky. I loved all of those tips,
and I love that the erotica thing that I didn't
even bring it up, that she brought it up, because
now I don't think my friend is crazy. Now I
think that my friend is actually kind of brilliant, and
I think that there is definitely something to that. I
also love what she said about porn because I always
(36:45):
felt like maybe there was something wrong with me that
I was not super comfortable all the time when we
would watch porn. A lot of times the situations would
just not sit well with me. And again maybe that's
from some of my prutishness, but I do love the
idea of reading and the idea of maybe like a
(37:07):
toy or you know. Everything she said made a lot
of sense to me. So I am going to sign off.
Maybe God, my husband CMI. Anyway, love you guys, thank
you for joining me. This was just Jackie and I
will see you again soon
Hey guys, I'm Jackie and this is just Jackie. Today's
podcast was brought about because I went out with my
girlfriends last week and I had such an interesting conversation.
One of them said, we were talking about what books
to bring on a trip because one of them was
going on a trip, And I said, are you reading anything?
(00:23):
And the other one said, I'm reading something really interesting
and then we bill said okay, what and she said
she's reading like erotica novels. And we both looked at
her like she was a little bit crazy, and honestly,
I got a little bit like shy, Like I didn't.
My first thought was like, that's weird. Who reads that crap?
(00:45):
But she started talking about it, and she was saying
that her Stex life has never been better, that she's
always in the moods since she started reading them, that
her husband loves it, that he started reading them also,
and like, honestly, my first response was stop, I don't
want to know anything else. But then my second response
was like, why is it weird for me but it's
(01:09):
not weird for her? Why am I feeling shame about
this conversation but she's not. And I went home and
I thought about it, and I thought to myself, like,
if there's two partners who are really enjoying something that's
not hurting anybody, why is that weird? And I think
it's not just me. I think there's a lot of women,
(01:30):
middle aged women who don't prioritize having fun with sex,
you know, like you think there's a certain number of
times per week that you have to hit in order
to have a normal sex life. But I think there's
a lot more to it than that. And I don't
think that your sex life needs to just be normal.
(01:52):
I think it can be no matter how long you've
been married, or no matter how old a woman is,
what she's experiencing, like menopause or changes in her life.
I think, you really there's no age liman on really
having fun with sex. And so I'm talking to an
amazing doctor today. Her name is doctor Vivianna Coles. She's
(02:15):
an author, an intimacy expert, and she has dedicated her
career to helping couples navigate emotional and intimacy challenges. She
was also the intimacy expert on the hit TV show
Married at First Site for six seasons plus. She is
the founder of the National Sex Therapy Institute and the
author of the Four Intimacy Styles The Key to Lasting
(02:39):
Physical Intimacy. So let's welcome doctor Vivianna Coles. Hi, Hi,
how are you. I'm good? Thank you for joining me.
I'm almost a little bit like nervous to have this
conversation because I'm not, you know, like I tend to
be a little bit more of a prude and it
(02:59):
had some just in conversations with friends lately that made
me a little uncomfortable and it left me thinking to myself,
why am I uncomfortable having these conversations, And so I'm
really eager to talk to you about that. And also,
like what middle aged women couldn't stand to sex, you know,
spice up or sex life a little right exactly?
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Yeah, that's great now, I'm.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
So first question, like, why do so many women feel
shame talking about this stuff?
Speaker 3 (03:29):
I think a lot of it has to do with
the lack of these conversations from their primary caregivers. A
lot of us were uh taught that sexuality was bad
in one way, shape or form, or that it was
to be avoided, not even joked about like it that
like they do with the boys, right, very early on,
(03:50):
and so I think for a lot of women it
truly comes from a place of it was a no
fly zone until you're supposed to be with depending on
what's going on a man, and then then all of
a sudden you unlock your sexuality based off of what
they little little they know, right, which is then it
(04:11):
ends up being very centric about them. And so I
just I feel like the shame comes from not knowing
a whole lot and also being told to avoid it
until a man tells you not to, right.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
Do you think it's also our generation, like our younger
people in their twenties, a lot more open about this
stuff or is it generational? Is it continuing?
Speaker 3 (04:34):
Certainly in some cultures it is generational. Still, I see
a lot of younger folk who still don't they have now.
At least the good thing is that they're getting that
education because there's better education.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Online now than there was before.
Speaker 3 (04:51):
So maybe they're not getting it from their schools or
from their parents, but at least they know that there's
some good information online. Whereas you know, when we were younger,
there was nothing online. There wasn't even you know, it
just wasn't for us, and anything that was in books
never even brought into the picture pleasure, desire, arousal. It
(05:14):
was all so clinical. Nowadays they are having more talks
about that, but it's still not enough.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
So why is it important to have a satisfying sex
life whether you're married. I guess it's different for I
don't know, is it different for whether you're married or not?
Like what it's important about it?
Speaker 3 (05:36):
I think it makes a difference if you're married or not.
I've been married for her seventeen years now, and I
find that a lot of my clients who have been
in relationships for at least in one relationship for at
least over a decade, it adds to the hope that
you can be together forever, because when it's not there,
(05:57):
it can really make you feel hopeless.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
It can make you feel like am I even with
the right person?
Speaker 3 (06:01):
I mean you start to question, you know, for so
many of them, they're questioning like are we even compatible?
Speaker 2 (06:07):
Should we?
Speaker 3 (06:08):
You know, yes, we've had a long history together, but
if we don't have things going well in the bedroom,
what is that a sign of? So I think for
a lot of people they really extrapolate, you know, whether
things are going well or not.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
Sexually into the rest of their connection. And I do
think that.
Speaker 3 (06:24):
For those of us who have decided to be in
monogamous relationships, especially if they're long term and committed, you.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
Know, who else are you going to get this from? Right?
It can? I mean who else is going to.
Speaker 3 (06:37):
Be able to be a part of that journey? Yes,
of course you can have your own individual journey, which
I'm a big fan of. But the connection, you know,
I wrote the four intimacy styles, it's bonding, release, giving, responsive,
All of those things that make up physical intimacy through
sexuality are not present. You can get the emotional intimacy,
(07:01):
which is great, But again, we are humans. We have
needs and we have desires and urges, and even in
people who struggle with that, they still want it.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
They want to want it.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
Speaking of needs, is it true? I mean I have
a lot of girlfriends and we talk and for a
lot of us, it's like, you know, we could take
it or leave it, generally because they're so busy and
we're tired, and like, I love it when we make
time for it, which is quite often, but you know,
there are many times that I could you know, easily
(07:34):
go without it. Do men have different needs than women.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
I think, yes, I think that they do, and I
think a lot of it has to do with how
they're socialized.
Speaker 2 (07:43):
Very early on to pay attention.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
To their sexuality, that it is a part of them
that they need to whether it's telling them, you know,
you need to control it, but they're always told to
be aware of it. Jokes have always said, like, you know,
how funny it is to have erections and to you know,
to masturbate, all of those things, and so I think
(08:05):
they've always been much more.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
Aware of their sexuality.
Speaker 3 (08:09):
Again, not always you know, in the most positive light,
Whereas I think that for women, especially women who are
very busy, who aren't prioritizing their desire, I think that
what ends up happening is they feel like the minute
that they're not on the same page about frequency or
(08:31):
just the motivation behind sexuality, again, something that I write
about a lot in my book, I think that's when
they start to say men are different women are built differently, and.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
They kind of give up on that idea that maybe
they could be.
Speaker 3 (08:45):
Doing something to nurture their sexual desire, maybe it could
be something that adds to their experience of their relationships,
and they purely see it as physical and I'm always
trying to help my clients to see it's not about
the physicality. Pretty much anybody healthy can have sex, that
they can have intercourse right now. Not everybody orgasms through intercourse,
(09:05):
and not everybody even experiences orgasms, but that's not the goal.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
The goal is to be able to.
Speaker 3 (09:11):
Experience pleasure and intimacy through sexuality. And some women give
up on that the minute that they think, oh, well,
just men are just so different.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
Wait, are there people who are not capable of orgasms?
Speaker 3 (09:24):
There are studies are showing that between ten and twenty
percent have never experienced an orgasm.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
And really, yeah, and it might have be no idea.
Speaker 2 (09:34):
It may not be that they're not capable.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
I mean, some studies have shown that some people just aren't,
but that's kind of the case for any situation. But
a lot of them, what I have found in my
office is they have not allowed themselves to get to that.
They get a little bit scared, they get anxious, they
get worried about the sensations building up to orgasm, and
(09:56):
so they back off. And if you've ever experienced this,
like a lot of women do, the minute you back
off things kind of go back down and they just
don't allow themselves to get there.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
And sometimes it's relational.
Speaker 3 (10:09):
Maybe they don't feel safe, they don't feel secure, they
don't want to have that vulnerability in front of their partner.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
They're worrying about.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
What's going to happen, what it's going to look like,
what their bodies are going to do, and they just
back off.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
Middle aged women, which is my target audience. Here, do
we go through changes that affect our libido, our I guess,
like the way that we feel about like I don't
o vasional dryness, Like, is that all part of menopause?
Speaker 3 (10:46):
Yeah, even through that's something that's actually a big issue
with women of all ages. I'm a big fan of
telling people men and women to make lubricant a part
of all of their sexual experiences, even from their first time.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
Because you cannot completely.
Speaker 3 (11:08):
You can't count on your body just reacting the way
that you'd like, and depending on the medications you're taking,
the level of stress you're under, you know what phases
of the moon, with the phase of your cycle, lubrication
may not be to the extent that you want. So
I'm like bypass that find a really good one. I
always have one back here.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Yeah, I wouldn't even know where to begin. There's certain
ingredients that you're not supposed to be using or anything
you would recommend.
Speaker 3 (11:36):
Yes, So if you're using condoms, then you do not
want to be using oil based lubricants. But if you're
just skinned to skin, oil based, it's fine. I'm a
big fan and I'm an advocate for Bloomy bloom I
and so much so that I have a code with them.
(11:58):
But I really appre that they have done all the
work to make sure that it's all natural products. They
have no none of the bad stuff, no fragrances, no
des no any of that. So it's very clean standard
and of course we want to make sure that we
keep things very clean because of our pH balance and
a lot of women they wonder why am I getting
(12:19):
so many UTIs? Why am I getting bacterialbatgonosis? Why is
there a smell that I don't like? You know, that's unusual,
and a lot of it can be coming from the
lubricants that they're using.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
Okay, great, but more than anything.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
With a lubricant as well.
Speaker 3 (12:34):
Just to add one little tidbit, the reason I talk
to men about it and kind of give them that
recommendation early on in our sessions.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Is because I think a.
Speaker 3 (12:42):
Lot of men have been told or had they seen
in pornography or maybe through friends, that lubrication equals level
of arousal and desire, and so if it's not present
to that degree, they might take it personally that is
such crock and so many men have been taught that,
(13:02):
and a lot of women feel very insecure about it.
And so I'm like, guys, those two things don't go together.
It's just like with anything else, Like sometimes you have
dry mouth, but like it just happen.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Right right, Well, that's good to know, yes, so we
don't have to feel bad about it. And so when
people come to you, like, so, what do people usually
come to you for because they love their husband but
they don't feel like having sex or is it just
two people who just want to spice things up?
Speaker 3 (13:33):
I get a lot more people who are really struggling.
They are I mean, I would say, I would venture
to say I get some of the most challenging issues,
which is that might look like couples who've been together
for a decade there's been infidelity, Couples who have been
together who are thinking about going out of their relationships
(13:57):
because they just don't have that physically intimate connection and
they want to make sure that they can before deciding
to call it quits or stepping out on the relationship.
Speaker 2 (14:09):
It's usually a lot more serious than just wanting to
spice it up.
Speaker 3 (14:14):
People tend to go to my YouTube or my Instagram
to spice it up, but as far as what it
is that they're really trying to get to is to say,
their marriages. For so many of these couples, it is
you know, oh my gosh, like we're not going to
make it. Or the kids, let's say the kids. They're
empty nesters and they just don't know how to enjoy
(14:35):
each other physically anymore.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
They can still have a good time, they can still
go to parties and to dinners together.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
Which I feel like is very common, very common.
Speaker 3 (14:45):
It's very common, but it doesn't have to be and
I think a lot of you know, something else that
I write about is this idea that the minute that
we come we become parents, we're socialized to be parents
number one top of the list, and that our coupleship
and you know, our relationship should be secondary or maybe
(15:07):
even tertiary, and I'm always telling people if you do that,
you will have to reap the ramifications of that later on,
and no one is going to be hurt. No one
is going to call you child protective services because you
and your partner are doing well together in the bedroom.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
And beyond, what do you consider? Is there a number
of times per week you would advise a married couple
to aim towards or is it a different standard.
Speaker 3 (15:37):
I'm more realistic than I think a lot of other
sex therapists are, and I think that depending on how
busy you are, if you can experience some sort of
sensual activity twice a week, you're doing great.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Now.
Speaker 3 (15:49):
That can include intercourse, that can include or it can
include touching and conclude massages. It can be taking a
shower together, anything that's like very sensual. You know, massage
is really nice too. But I would say try to
have some sort of central experience twice a week and
(16:09):
that's probably going to be satisfying. But then for other couples,
you know, they're three four times a week and it's
just part of their routine. And those are the people
that you see and every morning they're working out and
every evening they're having sex, and you know that happens too,
but much more often it's gonna beeah people who are like,
oh my gosh, it's been a couple of weeks, you know.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
Oh yeah, No, I don't think I'd make it a
couple of weeks, and my husband would definitely complain a
lot sooner than that point. So let's say you take
a regular old couple like me and my friends that
live in the suburbs, you know, having sex once maybe
twice a week, and just want to spice it up
a little bit. You know, I even get shy about
(16:53):
these conversations. But what do you suggest, Like what's your
opinion on porn or on toys or on Lainger all
that stuff?
Speaker 2 (17:00):
So all of the above. I actually I haven't launched
it yet, but I have a new intimacy.
Speaker 3 (17:09):
It's a intimate couple's kit and it's very discreet but
inside actually let me let me.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
Just grab one, okay, if you don't mind, so I
can explain the moment. It's exactly for this.
Speaker 3 (17:22):
It's for the couple who's like, you know what, we
want to spice things up, but we don't necessarily like
to go to the stores.
Speaker 2 (17:27):
And that's just kind of cheesy.
Speaker 3 (17:29):
And I don't like the ingredients that you can get,
Like you know, I'm not going.
Speaker 1 (17:33):
To need all the above. Yes, it's like you want.
Speaker 3 (17:36):
You want something classy yet really clean standard put something fun.
So in my vivid fantasy, I've included a play toy,
something a little vibrating. I have I created a sense
specifically for it called pillow Talk.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
I guess I'm going to send you one, Jackie, Yes please,
I think you'll have a lot of fun.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
Would be very grateful.
Speaker 3 (18:02):
And a loop of course, and then a fun sash
that can be used as a blindfold or a restraint.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
But here's the thing.
Speaker 3 (18:11):
It's not enough to just have a little kit that
has this in it. You have to explain exactly how
to use it in some fun.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
Ways to use it.
Speaker 2 (18:18):
So I've actually included.
Speaker 3 (18:19):
In it a QR code only for the people who
buy the book. By the it looks like a book,
that's why it's discreet who buy the kid, And it
includes at least three different ways to use these and
to role play and kind of explore a little.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Bit of light bondage.
Speaker 3 (18:36):
Maybe you're not going to Rocky Road, you're Vanilla you
don't want to go to Rocky Road. Maybe you go
to French Vanilla. But it explains the importance of how
to use your senses, of how to be of course vulnerable,
and how to safely explore some fund spicing up that
doesn't include maybe toys that are intimidating or motions that
(18:56):
you end up wanting to wipe right off because they're
burning you. Nothing too wild, but it's it's kind of
like a beginner, little little kit for couples.
Speaker 1 (19:07):
I love that, definitely.
Speaker 2 (19:09):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Definitely Send me one. Okay, So outside of that, like,
my opinion on lingerie has always been, like what's the point, right,
I mean, when you're like dating, that's one thing you
want to look sexy, but like now it goes on
two seconds later it comes off, like is it worth it?
Speaker 3 (19:25):
So it's only worth it, I think if because I'm
a big fan of having just nice undergarments, right like,
and I think that it's only worth it if it
actually enhances the way that you see yourself, the way
that if it's helping you to tap into your own sexuality,
(19:45):
one hundred percent invest in it. But if it's just
because you're trying to do what people say you're supposed
to do, quote unquote, I don't think your partner.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
Needs it, right, I really don't.
Speaker 3 (19:59):
But if it's something that you're like, you know what,
when I wear lace, when I wear silk, when I
wear this particular color, or maybe when I have a
little peekaboo nipple going on, that makes me feel sexy
and it makes me it reminds me to get into
that sexy headspace almost like it's a placeholder, Like you
put it on and you're like, oh my gosh, I'm
(20:19):
now in this sexy headspace.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
Totally worth it.
Speaker 3 (20:22):
Do whatever it takes to get to that sexy headspace
because so many women have trouble accessing it.
Speaker 1 (20:28):
Yes, I can totally see that.
Speaker 3 (20:29):
Yeah, men are really good about allowing sexy thoughts to
come into their brains, maybe have a seat, depending on
the situation, or you know, telling them to stay a while, right.
A lot of men tend to masturbate way more often
than women do. But other times they'll let those thoughts in,
They let them kind of swirl around and they're gone
(20:51):
in sixty seconds or less, maybe even ten seconds.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
Whereas with women, I feel like we have.
Speaker 3 (20:56):
Been socialized and I'm really trying to get the word
out there for women to.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Allow those thoughts in.
Speaker 3 (21:03):
Let them stay awhile, even if you're like at a
kid's party and you're like, oh my gosh, I'm thinking
about what just happened with my husband the other night.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
Let it stick around.
Speaker 3 (21:12):
Don't feel shame, guilt, don't feel naughty or maybe even
like you're a bad girl, quote unquote, just because you're
allowing these thoughts in. Because I think for a lot
of women, the reason that they feel like having sex
or getting into a sexual experience is like on and
off switch it's cold to hot, is because they don't
(21:33):
have that what I call pillow talk, that underlying sensuality,
that current of sensuality that a lot of men are
very good about tapping into.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
They let the thoughts in, they stick.
Speaker 3 (21:43):
Around, they maybe even feel a little bit of arousal,
and then they let it go, and for a lot
of women, they just don't. For a lot of women,
it's like the thoughts come and it's like swat away,
Oh my gosh, why am I having this thought right now?
Oh my gosh, this yeah, Oh my gosh. And it's
almost like they think some wrong is happening. Well, guess what.
Your brain is your largest sex.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
Organ, So you want this what?
Speaker 1 (22:06):
Yes, it is the littlest thing. It means that.
Speaker 2 (22:10):
Gosh, I'm just going to tell you all the things
that I tell.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
My Yeah, tell me all the things.
Speaker 2 (22:16):
A lot of women need to be reading erotica.
Speaker 1 (22:19):
Okay, because this is where I started my conversation because
a friend told me she was reading erotica and she's like,
I've never had better sex in my life. And I'm like, yeah,
that sounds right. First instinct was like, that's weird, but
then I was like, is that weird?
Speaker 3 (22:32):
It's totally not weird, And I'm actually creating something that
I won't mention just yet, but it has to do
with this because I feel so strongly that.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
And I've seen it.
Speaker 3 (22:41):
The couples where the women and the men sometimes are
a part of it, who read twenty minutes of erotica
every night or every other night, or find the time
to do that or listen to it. Right, there's audio
erotica as well. They have the best sex lives because
they are allowing for an intentional time for those thoughts
(23:02):
to come in and sit around. They maybe even have
a little bit of their sexual response cycle that gets
peaked a.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Little bit, even if it doesn't like.
Speaker 3 (23:11):
Go all the way, so to say, but they are
allowing sexy thoughts and they are using their brain. And
when you get that mind body connection, it's so much
easier to tap into your desire. And so those women, yes,
and not just that, but the men tell me, they're like,
I had no idea what the fuss was about erotica,
and like, you know all these novels, but now I
(23:34):
understand what foreplay is. They didn't, you know, like because
otherwise who's going to teach them? A lot of women
like I want in and out like just so they're
not even asking for the fore plate.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
They need it.
Speaker 3 (23:46):
You know, women need about twenty minutes of foreplay to
even get aroused. So long time you're doing that, yeah,
if you're if you're listening to erotica or reading erotica,
you give yourself.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
That warm up.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
And I love that.
Speaker 2 (24:01):
It's amazing.
Speaker 3 (24:02):
It's totally it's life changing for so many women, and
a lot of people who tell me, like, hey, I
can't afford to come see you, because I do take
clients and I see them every day, but I can't
afford to come see you, or I just don't have
the time, or I'm not in the state that you're licensed,
then one of them. And I always say, you know what,
start with erotica and get back to me in a month.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
Let me know how you're doing.
Speaker 1 (24:22):
If you have a recommendation, send it to me, and
then I'll share it with my listeners.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
Yeah, I will.
Speaker 3 (24:27):
I'm going to I'm going to share with you something
special that that I'm doing, and I'll have my team
send it over to you.
Speaker 2 (24:33):
But what I was going to say.
Speaker 3 (24:34):
Is that I very rarely will give an actual, concrete example.
Let me tell you why so many women have backgrounds
that there could be trauma, there could be just a
real turn And so unfortunately I can't say, hey, Jackie,
you need to listen to this, because if you listen
(24:56):
to it, you might be like repulsed.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
Or you might be a situation, it might be.
Speaker 3 (25:00):
Morally repugnant to you. It might be something that completely
like turns you off.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
Well, that's my issue with porn is that like once
sometimes like I'll be watching one with my husband and
I'm like, this situation just doesn't seem like she looks
too young, or I don't like or the way he's
treating her, yeah, or.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
Like the tattoo or the piercing. Is someone just like yes, yes, Well,
this is what I tell people all the time. It's
so funny.
Speaker 3 (25:29):
Anyone who's listening to this that's ever heard me talk
about this knows that this is what I tell people
all the time. Don't watch visual pornography because first of all,
there's a lot of issues with you know, the humanitarian
side of it, but also you typically will get caught
up on the things that really aren't the point. Men
are very good at looking at particular parts of a video.
(25:53):
Women look at the whole story, which is why erotic
literature is so it's meant for us. That's why there
are those hot when you know, romance novels and walgreens
are that our grandmother's read, because this is how our
brains work. Now, So skip the vision, get to the pointy,
skip the visual part.
Speaker 2 (26:12):
Stick with the story lines.
Speaker 3 (26:14):
And short story books, I will say, just as a
as a whole, short story books tend to get to
the point a little quicker in case you're not like
a super fast reader and you want to like really
have some more of them.
Speaker 1 (26:25):
So to see.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
But yeah, get out of the visual and get into
your brain.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
What were you going to share with us?
Speaker 2 (26:39):
Okay, okay, I'll just share it.
Speaker 3 (26:41):
So I have been working on a it's it's kind
of like a choose your own sexy adventure and it's
all having to do with my vivid fantasy. It's a
it's an assignment that I've done and exercise in office
for the past few decades with my clients where I
help them to create their own own fantasy. Because so
(27:01):
many women and you probably have friends like this. I
know I do too. We say like I never fantasize
or whenever I do mastur rate, it's purely physical.
Speaker 2 (27:11):
And I'm not in my head.
Speaker 3 (27:13):
And I ask them if they can even come up
with something that is sexy to them, and they're like,
I just don't know, Like that's just not me. So
then I put them through what I've now put onto
a digital kind of quiz type of thing where they
build their own fantasy and they get the result that
allows for them to then read it as if it's
(27:34):
their own erotic literature story.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
I love that, yeah, so much. Adventure Girl. When I
was a kid in the eighties. So this is right
out of my alley. But I love that because then
you can decide for yourself the way the story ends.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
And there are lots of brilliant, you know, permutations of it.
But it really get people thinking because.
Speaker 3 (27:56):
The old the result of doing this in office with
my clients that I would look up at them at
the end of it because I wouldn't do a lot
of I do a lot of asking questions and writing,
but not a lot of you know, I didn't want
to look at them too much just because they were
a little self conscious.
Speaker 2 (28:11):
But at the end of it, I mean, there would be.
Speaker 3 (28:13):
Tears streaming down their face, like I can't believe that
was inside of me.
Speaker 2 (28:17):
Oh my gosh. I'm like, yes, you are a sexual being.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
I love that. Yes, I would love to see that.
How important is it to switch up where in the
house us sex because I tend to like ninety percent
of our sexes in the same room. Yeah, it's in
our bedroom.
Speaker 3 (28:33):
I think that's also another easy way to kind of
make things feel a little.
Speaker 2 (28:37):
Bit more novel.
Speaker 3 (28:38):
Maybe they're not as comfortable and you can't just roll
over and go to sleep, but it does you know,
anytime you can create something that's different, whether it's lighting
a different candle, changing the way, changing the music. Maybe
you have a little bit of music and maybe you
change that up. Whether it's you know, putting down a
satin sheet, just anything that changes up the routine is
(29:01):
going to enhance the experience. If you decide you want
to use a different toy, if you decide you want
to wear lingerie a different color, if you know, you decide, hey,
we're going to use this little blindfold.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
And restraint from doctor Vianna. As a kid, you know,
things like that.
Speaker 3 (29:16):
Can really it can really enhance the experience because your
brain doesn't know like this, oh novel, this is like
shiny and new right.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
And if you were going to tell your clients to
buy one sex toy outside of a vibrator, I mean
most women that I know have a vibrator. I am
completely unfamiliar. I know I sound like based on Compreid
right now, but like, I'm completely unfamiliar with other types
of sex toys. I don't even know what a cocfering is.
I've heard of it, But what would you tell them
(29:45):
to start with.
Speaker 3 (29:46):
It's fun to start with a restraint slash sash which
is why really.
Speaker 1 (29:50):
And like what do you do with it? Like that
would end up as my bendaa like a higher.
Speaker 3 (29:56):
It's aicularly really nice BANDM Well, so what you can
do with it? First of all, you if and this
is kind of for future ideas that I'm going to
be adding to the page where they get all of
their fun exciting new ways of using it, but just
as a blindfold to begin with, use it as a blindfold,
(30:16):
feed each other. Maybe they can smell different sense maybe
because anytime you take away one sense it enhances the others.
The other thing that you can do with it is
true restrain one arm, both hands, one foot, both legs.
I mean you can you can even tie yourselves to
each other and see what you can do. And again
(30:39):
this is all like my clients really love instructions. They
want like do this and then do this, and so
it's all included in it. And then the other thing,
for just a little future heads up is that you
can use it as a gag, which is kind of
fun too. Oh explain you can your mouth to gag
your mouth?
Speaker 1 (30:59):
Oh no, there's now and that's that's a turn on
for a lot of people who talk for a living
like myself. Huh yeah, amazing. I love it. Before I
let you go, I just I do have a few
other questions. Sure all this talking. You know, there's like
a Secret Lives of Mormon Wives on right now and
(31:20):
I haven't watched it, but there's a lot of talk
of like swinging.
Speaker 3 (31:23):
Jackie started it last night and ended up watching like
four episodes.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
Really it's that good, I know, I have to start.
Speaker 3 (31:30):
It's so it's okay, it's like it's so, I don't know,
it's cringey. It's very cringey, but yeah, it is very
sexy what they're talking about.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
So is swinging that first of all, the swinging ruin
a marriage, but also is it that common?
Speaker 3 (31:49):
It's becoming more and more common as couples are trying
to find an alternative to working on things through therapy.
That's what they're trying to do. So so many people
are like, oh, let's spice up our sex life, and
instead of doing like maybe baby stuff, they're diving into
(32:10):
the deep end. And that is not the most I guess,
effective and productive way and healthiest way of exploring swinging.
Speaker 2 (32:21):
But I think so many people don't realize what they
don't know what they don't know.
Speaker 3 (32:26):
So I get a lot of couples who come in
to talk about, Hey, we're thinking about swinging, or we're
thinking about opening our relationship emotionally. There are so many
questions that I asked them, and I would say ninety
percent of them they're like, Oh, we hadn't considered that.
Speaker 1 (32:43):
And in the end, do they end up choosing it.
Speaker 3 (32:45):
In the end, they usually don't because I ask them
to try a couple other things that are not so
let's say invasive, not so don't have the consequences that
if it doesn't go well, if it doesn't go well
for either or both partners, it's a really big hurdle
to risk here. You know, I'm not going to tell
(33:07):
people no, you cannot or no, I would never want
you to, but there are steps.
Speaker 2 (33:12):
I know.
Speaker 3 (33:12):
I tell people it's the same thing with anal sex.
I'm not going to tell you no. But it's not
something that you just try on a Saturday night. If
you're really wanting it to feel good, you need to
build up your body, You need to work on things
as a couple to make sure that it's not just
something you just try. Oh, we're just going to try
to know, people get hurt and then they never want
to do that again or you know, right, So it's
(33:36):
just like with that you can get very hurt and
it can also be something that you never overcome as a.
Speaker 1 (33:42):
Co So for the you know, I was just thinking
about it because it just seems so foreign to me
to like bring someone else into your like be intimate
with someone else and go back to your marriage. But
then again I'm apprued, so okay. So top tips for
the board suburban couple having sex once or twice a week.
I want to space things up.
Speaker 2 (34:04):
The books, Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 3 (34:07):
If you're wanting to learn more about the why behind
why it's so important to have a physical connection forever,
then read my book Before Intimacy Status.
Speaker 2 (34:17):
If you're looking for ways to.
Speaker 3 (34:18):
Kind of enhance your own desire and create that mind
body connection, look into erotica and of course my Vivid
Fantasy that's going to have the option for you to
create your own fantasy. And then for those of you
who are like you know what, we want to try something,
but we need to be told what to do exactly,
or else we probably will just let it sit in
the nightstand or in the closet forever, then get the
(34:41):
my vivid fantasy intimate couple's kid. But otherwise I think
it's so important to just talk about it, even for
a wife to tell their husband, like, Hey, what do
you think about, like maybe trying something new next time
we're in bed, or I've been worried that maybe because
you know, we're going on year nine or we're going
(35:01):
on year twenty three.
Speaker 2 (35:03):
I don't want.
Speaker 3 (35:04):
Things to get stale? Can we should start incorporating something new?
Just as a preventative. I'm happy with the way that
things are, even if you're not. Maybe you say that
just to kind of keep the conversation going, but I'd
like to prevent you know, I want to be proactive
about our sexual relationship, something as simple as changing up
(35:24):
the order of when you have sex. So a lot
of people wait till the end of a date night,
or they wait until the kids are asleep to have sex.
The sex first approach is also really fun too, where
instead of waiting until the end of the date night,
you have sex at the beginning of the date night,
so that you know, first of all, you check it
off the list, but also you're kind of riding that way.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
For the whole evening, which is kind of nice.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
She just got to fix up your hair and nake
it afterwards. Hopefully, hopefully it's really wealthy.
Speaker 2 (35:52):
It depends on what you're doing, right right, I guess.
Speaker 1 (35:54):
So this is amazing. Thank you so much. I look
forward to getting your I'm sure my husband looks forward
to it as well, and I will definitely be reading
your book. It sounds great, and thank you so much
for joining me.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (36:11):
Everybody check me out at doctor Viviana dot com and
spell out doctor on all my socials, my YouTube channel
all that. I'd love to give away lots of free information,
but there's definitely some fun info on my website.
Speaker 1 (36:24):
Beautiful. Thank you, Thanks Jacky. I loved all of those tips,
and I love that the erotica thing that I didn't
even bring it up, that she brought it up, because
now I don't think my friend is crazy. Now I
think that my friend is actually kind of brilliant, and
I think that there is definitely something to that. I
also love what she said about porn because I always
(36:45):
felt like maybe there was something wrong with me that
I was not super comfortable all the time when we
would watch porn. A lot of times the situations would
just not sit well with me. And again maybe that's
from some of my prutishness, but I do love the
idea of reading and the idea of maybe like a
(37:07):
toy or you know. Everything she said made a lot
of sense to me. So I am going to sign off.
Maybe God, my husband CMI. Anyway, love you guys, thank
you for joining me. This was just Jackie and I
will see you again soon
Hosts And Creators
Jackie Goldschneider
Jennifer Fessler
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