Mama's On The Mend

Zoe Winkler opens up about the challenges of parenting during the Los Angeles wildfires, the relief of seeing her mom on the mend, and her journey to find balance in the midst of uncertainty. 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
You are listening to What in the Winkler and iHeartRadio podcast. Hi,
welcome back to another episode of What in the Winkler.
It is a little bit of a different format today
because I'm by myself, and I am in the middle
of LA. I am born and raised in LA and

(00:27):
I love this city very, very very much, which is
why I've never left. And we are in the middle
of a complete and total disaster. For those of you
that don't know, but I'm sure most of you do,
there were many, many, many different wildfires going at the
same time here in La last week, and our city

(00:50):
has not yet recovered. There are still fire warnings, there
are still evacuations. And I decided today that I would
just talk to you guys and tell you a little
bit about what my experience has been like. And it's
also my son's birthday today, and so us moms, while

(01:14):
we are in the middle of like insanity, have to
still make magic for our kids. And it's such a
beautiful thing. And I'm so thankful, and also I'm beyond stressed.
His bar Mitzvah was supposed to be on Saturday. That
has been postponed till February. There's a lot of moving parts.

(01:35):
My parents are evacuated. They've been evacuated since last Tuesday,
so they've been in a hotel for a week. A
lot of you guys have been asking where my mom is,
and so I wanted to explain that as well. So
we'll just have a conversation, a conversation I guess with myself,
but I'm just going to tell you guys a little

(01:57):
bit about where I'm at and what's happening here. So
to start with my mom. My mom, right after we
started recording episodes of What in the Winkler, my mom
got an infection. She's gonna be totally fine. I just
want to preface that she's going to make a full recovery.
But she got an infection that in fact went septic,

(02:21):
and so she's been on ivy antibiotics and she was
in the hospital, and so that has been a tremendous
strain on me and my family and obviously her way
worse for her, but for us and those that love her.
It has been a really emotional time basically since the

(02:45):
week of November fifteenth, so it's been quite a while,
and every day she's getting stronger and better now and
so I'm really really grateful, but that is why she
has not been joining me on the podcast. And so
when we signed up to do this podcast with iHeart,
who have been so incredible to us, it was supposed

(03:06):
to be a mother daughter back and forth and that
we had to pivot. And so I really appreciate everyone
that has listened still and just been so supportive because
I'm learning as I go and I'm really loving it,
but I'm missing my mom. So that's the first part

(03:28):
that has been a huge weight in my life for
the last couple months, because my mom is an extremely
important part of my life and it was really scary
for a minute, and I'm really grateful to now be
able to say that she is making a full recovery.
So right after that, she got out of the hospital

(03:50):
in January first, and about I don't know, like I
can't I don't even know what day it is. But
basically last week the fires started here in Los Angeles.
They were evacuated. We were we were not evacuated. We
were just we live like a mile from my parents,

(04:12):
but we're on this the edge of the evacuation, and
it started to get extremely windy and scary and I've
talked about it before on here that I have some
pretty anxious kids and I'm very clear on where to
get it from me. And we lost power and the

(04:33):
fire was so quick it was it was Honestly, I
live in LA I've lived here my whole life. I'm
forty four years old. There's always been fires. We've had
to evacuate one time before, when Ace, who's now thirteen today,
was in kindergarten. But I've never seen anything like this,
And so the rate at which it was moving and

(04:58):
growing and all the things made up feel like this
was different, and so we packed up all our stuff.
I really slowly packed up my stuff as my children
were watching a show on TV. I really didn't want
to make them worried, and I honestly didn't know how
bad it was going to get. I just knew that

(05:19):
we had to leave our house. So I packed. They
packed well, I packed for them, actually, and I started
to just like put in a bag their birth certificates,
my passports, my jewelry, my husband made me a book
for my fortieth birthday, my wedding album, just like some things.

(05:40):
I started putting it together, even though I felt like
this was going to be crazy and I was being
over dramatic about it. I just felt like this, this
felt different this time. And my kids were kept asking
me like, why are you packing? Why are you packing?
And I said, you know what, just in case we
lose power, I just want to get everything together, were safe,

(06:02):
you know. I really kept trying to reassure them. And
also when you have young kids, the news is so scary,
but you're trying to get information. You don't know what's happening,
so you're trying to watch the news, but they're coming
in and out, and it just felt like very stressful.
I was able to pack everything, you know, two nights

(06:23):
worth of clothing for each kid. I put it in
a packing cube, and then for myself and for my husband.
And as soon as I was done packing, we lost
power and it was insanely windy. It felt like Wizard
of Oz literally, like I mean, there were things like
blowing around. It was just different. So we left and
we went to my sister in law's house. I live

(06:43):
in Brentwood. She lives in mar Vista, and it was
farther way, farther away from the Palisades fire, so we
went there. We spent the night there and it was
super cozy. Gus and I slept on a blow out
mattress in the living room. My husband and the other

(07:05):
two kids slept in one of my sister in law's
kids room on a bed and a blow up mattress also,
And in the morning we started getting we woke up,
and we tried to make it as fun for the
kids as possible, Like I have this crazy, hateful relationship
with iPads, and the kids got their iPads, which was
like the first clue that something was really dark. And

(07:27):
so all the cousins are together and we're having breakfast
and Aces making pancakes, and Arthur, my brother in law's
making coffee, and we're just we're all talking, and we
start getting texts from all of our friends who had
lost their homes, lost everything and weren't given ample time
to evacuate. They didn't have the luxury that I had

(07:49):
to slowly kind of decide what I wanted to take,
pack things, get my passports, get my kids, you know, valuables,
and they didn't have that time in the Palisades. And
so I would say we have about twelve friends who've

(08:09):
lost their homes, probably more at this point but we
started hearing about it in the morning, and that's when
we kind of knew that this was different. I think
the most amazing thing is to be thankful that you

(08:29):
know that these people, our friends, are all alive, even
though they've lost, you know, homes. And it's not really
about the material things. It's about the memories, the things
that you can't just sort of like get again. A
child's painting, a child's favorite blanky, things like that I

(08:52):
think have been the most upsetting I think for them.
I can't speak for them because I'm so lucky that
I have my home. But one thing I noticed is
that as a community, we came together really really quickly.
I don't know if you guys know this because I

(09:13):
haven't really talked much about it, but I have a
nonprofit called This Is About Humanity. We raise money and
awareness for the families that had been separated at the border,
and it is a completely We are not political in
any way. We are not affiliated with either party. We
are just moms who felt like children were not being

(09:37):
taken into account and we wanted to make sure that
we were keeping these families safe and right away. The
best thing I know how to do when there's an
emergency is help. And so my partner and I, in

(09:59):
twenty four hours, came up with a matching grant for
fifty thousand dollars for families that had been affected by
the fires and for all of the farm workers who
we live in California, so that's a huge part of
the agricultural system here. And I started putting together families

(10:23):
who had lost things with families that had things to offer,
trying to go through all of my kids things. My
son Jules said to me his best friend lost his house,
two of them actually, and he said, you know, I
really want to give them baseball cards, and none of
the or basketball cards, and none of the stores were open,
so he went through his own basketball cards and gave
them to his friends. This has been truly I've never

(10:49):
seen a huge city like this, just especially like an
entire community just wiped off the map in this way
from fire. It's been an adjustment, and we are being
super flexible with all of our plans and movements and
just trying because we do have our house and we

(11:11):
can be back in it now, having families that have
lost their homes come over have dinner. We don't have
any extra bedrooms, but everyone's been welcome to stay. When
we came back after being at my sister in law's house,
my older son Ace said, I want to pack my
own bag. I want to, you know, put some stuff

(11:31):
in it. And you know, he was his bar Mitzvah
outfit was what he packed because we'd gotten it months ago,
and he was very excited. And Barmitzvah is a big deal.
It's when in the Jewish tradition, it's when you turn
thirteen and you read from the Torah, and it's a
big celebration. And in the Jewish tradition, it does they

(11:55):
encourage you to go on and still celebrate the amazing
celebrations that even happen in times of devastation. And I
spoke to the Rabbi a lot, but we made the
decision as a family that we wanted to postpone it.
And I was really worried about how Ace would take it,
just because he's worked he's been working on this for

(12:16):
a year and it's a big party. It's like a wedding,
it's wild. And he said, let's postpone it, Mom, because
I want all my friends to be there and I
want my friends to be able to have fun, and
right now it just feels so heavy. And I was
impressed by him and by his choices, and I was
also relieved because we have so much going on right

(12:42):
now in our lives and our family. My older brother,
he was evacuated on the first day of the fires.
He lives exactly where they started. He thought his house
was gone for days. He just found out that it's
still standing, which is a miracle and INCREDI He's been
in a hotel with my parents. There's just been my

(13:05):
Margaret Whitesman, who we've talked about a ton. She lost
her house. She's my brother's stepmom, my mom's best friend.
She had just rebuilt her house after a new house
after her husband had passed away. She started a brand
new chapter. That house is gone. When we went to

(13:32):
my sister in law's house for the first night of
the evacuation, Gus was really really scared. He was so scared.
He's seven and he's never had a sleepover before, so
he was like, we are evacuated. This is my first sleepover.
My first sleepover is an evacuation. And he was not
having it. He was not pleased. He was like em

(13:53):
we're sleeping on a couch. But I finally calmed him
down and we made it. We've tried. I think this
is the thing about parents, is like you try to
even when you're going through something really really hard and scary,
you are your main focus is your children and making
sure that they are okay. And so that's what we did. Oh. Also,

(14:18):
by the way, when we went to my sister in laws,
it was the five of us and our two dogs.
So and I kept saying to my sister in law,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, And she kept saying to me,
are you like this is crazy? This is what we're
here for, Like this is how it's meant to be.
We're this is you know. And and I just I
am impressed with how I mean, obviously, my sister in

(14:41):
law and I are super close and I love her.
This is Rob's youngest sister. But just like our community,
how everyone has really reached out to help, I think
that that's been an incredible right light in such a
depressing time. And I think I don't know. I was

(15:04):
thinking about our kids and how our kids had COVID,
and at no point am I not aware of how
lucky my family is and that during COVID, my husband
still had a job and his business. He's in construction.
It was deemed I can't even think of the word,

(15:28):
but it was his oh essential his So during COVID,
my husband's job was deemed essential, and so he was
at work every day. I was home with the kids.
We had a home, We had all the comfort that
we needed, even though it was really hard, but that
was still I mean for kids to just sort of

(15:49):
like have no kids to hang out with, and to
not be able to see your family, all that kind
of stuff, that was really hard, and that is something
that they've dealt with. And now school, and I think
about how lucky we are that we have our home,
we have our school. Our school went back to school
yesterday on Monday, which is insane an incredible, and I'm

(16:15):
so grateful. And I think about all the kids who
lost their homes and their schools and what I can
do for them. I'm working right now with a couple
brands on setting up kind of like a store, a
store that you go into and shop for fire victims,
but obviously you don't pay. It's just so that you

(16:36):
don't feel like you're just getting like donations handed at you.
You have agency over what it is that you're picking out,
and I'll and I'll post all the all the amazing
opportunities to help because so many of you guys have
reached out who aren't even in LA which has been
so incredible. But I think it feels like there's just

(16:59):
been a lot going on in our world in the
last five years, and we've all had sort of like
these wake up calls of what's important. And I think
I know, and especially with the last couple months of
my mom being sick, family is the most important thing.

(17:20):
And wherever we are is where I feel the most
comfortable and safe. And it was one of my best
friend's birthdays this weekend and we were going to do
an adult trip to Ohi and at the end everybody
was evacuated. So she was like, I'm still going to
go to Ohi. Whoever wants to come, bring your kids,

(17:41):
And so we were able to spend the weekend in
Ohi with a bunch of my friends and my kids
friends and I looked around and there were you know,
kids who had lost their homes, kids who literally had
no clothes but the clothes on their back, Moms and

(18:01):
dads sitting trying to figure out, you know, what their
next step would be while the kids were playing football
on the lawn. Just like and I just realized that community,
on top of your own family, community is just so
important and you're only as you know, your community is

(18:23):
only as good as you make it. And so how
can we be better members of our community? How can
we be the best members of our community. It's a
lot to balance all of these things at the same time.
You know, I'm a mom, I'm a sister, I'm a daughter,

(18:45):
I'm a wife, I have a business. I am in
over my head at the moment, and I cry a
lot just when I get overwhelmed. I just will cry.
And my friends and my husband and everybody is just
like we're all just getting through it and we're all

(19:06):
doing our very best. I will say, like I've talked
about this a million times, but I am an extremely
anxious person, and fire was just like never on my
radar before, and now that will be like number one fear.
But I think the feeling of being displaced is so
unnerving because, like, you know, I packed all these bags,

(19:29):
we started at my sister in laws, came home for
two nights. Went to a friend's house who had already
evacuated to Palm Springs. She lives in Hancock Park. Went
to her house for a night and it was so
cozy and amazing. Went to Oh Hi for two nights.
Now we're home. We're waiting to hear what the wind
is going to be. It just feels like there's so
much unknown. And I thought canceling Aces by Mitzo would

(19:53):
feel really sad, but it actually felt like a relief
because it felt like I can now just focus on
what's in front of me and my kids and making
sure that Ace has a special birthday today. And you know,

(20:13):
when Ace woke up this morning, he was like, where's
my card? And I realized I in like I'd left
it in OHI. So I left his card there because
I had brought it there and then hit it and
I left it there. So there are moments and I
you know, we're all just doing the best we can
and we are so lucky. But your mental state in

(20:38):
these situations is so taxed, like you just feel like
you're running on fumes. And so everyone keeps saying, well,
you got to take care of yourself. You've got to
take care of yourself, and I don't think I know
how to do that unless everything around me is taken
care of, and right now, everything around me isn't taken
care of, so I don't know. I would be so

(21:00):
interested to know how people in these kinds of situations
take care of themselves because you can't really go outside,
and that's usually what I would do, is go for
a walk. But they're saying that the air is so
toxic right now. You can't use you can't drink the water,
you can't shower, you can't take a bath. So I
don't know. I'm trying to figure it out, and I'm

(21:21):
figuring it out as I go, and I want to
know how you guys are dealing with it, and how
you guys are feeling, and how what the what the
load feels like to you guys, because I don't know.
As a mom, that is my that is my biggest weight,

(21:41):
because if my kids are not happy, I'm not happy.
They say, sometimes you're only as happy as your unhappiest kid.
I can't remember exactly the thing, but for me, when
my kids are struggling, it is really really difficult for

(22:02):
me to feel balanced. And I think that that's such
an important thing, is to keep your balance and keep
your wits about you even when it feels like unsafe.
Then I look at my friends who have lost You're
only as happy as your least happy child. That is
the saying, and that is how I feel at all times.

(22:27):
But I look at my friends who've literally lost everything,
and they're so we're all just like try. We're just
laughing because like it's like what else are we going
to do? So I get on the phone with them,
they come here for dinner, we have a drink, and

(22:50):
we just think about kind of like all these Actually,
one of my friends, Dana, who lost her house in
the Palisades, we were with her this weekend and she
was saying that there were all these like signs, like
all these little signs that she's seen since and before.

(23:10):
And I was saying, like, I I'm having a hard
time seeing the signs, like I'm having a hard time
finding them. And I realized at that moment that I
just had to like get out of my mind for
a second, just like sort of like take a minute.

(23:32):
And so I don't know, I just feel like these
moments will They don't define us, but they will sort
of pave the way for how we are going to
handle things moving forward. And things are really tough, and

(23:53):
if you can try and trust in the universe, which
I know sounds insane, but a therapist told me once
that the universe only says three things to you. Yes
you can have it, Yes you can have it, but
not right now, or I have something better for you.
And I've never forgotten it. This was before I had

(24:15):
even met Rob. I mean, this was years and years
and years ago, probably twenty years ago, but I'll never
forget it. And in these moments where you're so confused
and you're like, how did this happen? Why did this happen?
How can I make sense of it? I try to
remind myself that there's something so much bigger than us,
and I try to remind myself about the universe. And

(24:38):
I don't know that's been a little bit more helpful.
I was also given this prayer to say, and I'm
going to say it right now, and you guys can
tell me what you think. I work with this incredible

(24:59):
heel and her name is Jackie, and I was talking
to her last week and she said, ask for the
miracles to shine through and lead the way to stop
destruction and a night transformation for the highest and best
good of all. And I know for me, I'm praying
NonStop for the communities that have lost so much, for
the families who've lost all of their homes in Altadena,

(25:23):
which is in Pasadena, for the families and the Palisades,
for the families all over who have just gone through
probably one of the worst weeks of their lives. And
I think to myself, how grateful we all should be

(25:43):
to the first responders and these firefighters that literally risk
their life to save ours. And I mean, we've been
bringing them donuts from Christie Cream, but I don't. I mean,
I just there's not enough words. There's not enough. Thinks

(26:04):
there's not enough. And I and when I when I
brought them food and stuff, they said, you know, you
don't have to thank us. It's our job. And I
just think that that's such a crazy thing because they
were only safe because of them. So yes, it's their job,
but it's also just that they put themselves before others.

(26:28):
I don't know, it's what I strive to do. I
obviously don't want to be a firefighter. I would not
save one house I would run in the other direction,
but just the whole like ethos of like what it
means to be a first responder is something that I
wanted to teach my kids and that I I wish

(26:48):
for all of us that we were more like because
it's those people, it's those human beings that that make
the world a better place. I mean that sounds so
chack U I'm not, mister Rogers, but just so we're
thinking about it, you know, these people that put their
life on the line and to protect ours. I just

(27:10):
there's not enough thank yous in the world. And my
parents have not been home in over a week, and
I think about, like I haven't really seen them, and
we've all just sort of been disconnected because we're all
over the place in different parts of the city. Some
of us are leaving LA And how much I miss that,

(27:33):
Like how much I just miss being with my parents.
My parents' house is like where I go to do everything.
I mean, we have dinners there, we hang out there,
we watch movies there, we drop our kids there, and
I just how much I missed that. When I was
seven years old, there was a huge earthquake in Los

(27:54):
Angeles and it was the most terrifying experience of my
entire life. And I don't know, it shook me because
I realized that things could happen that you don't know about.
You know, earthquakes. You can't predict earthquakes, you can't predict fires,
you can't predict these things. And I felt so completely

(28:16):
out of control and it was so devastating. I remember
somebody had told me that you couldn't feel an earthquake
if you were underneath if you were driving in a car.
So I would literally just beg my dad to drive
me around in a car. I would stay underneath a
table all day. I was just terrified. It was just

(28:37):
so horrible, and I think about, you know, during this time,
what I wanted for my kids and what I wanted
them to feel, and I just wanted them to feel safe,
and no matter how scared I was, and I was terrified,
and honestly, I think I'm sure every single person in
Los Angeles was terrified because at one point there was

(29:01):
a fire burning in West Hollywood at Runyon Canyon, a
fire burning in the Palisades, and we're right in the middle,
and we were trying to decide if we should go east,
if we should go west, Like if we should go south,
where should we go? Because it just like there fires
were everywhere. And so I'm really grateful for my husband
because I am anxious and I am reactive and sometimes

(29:25):
I get like hysterical, and he really really grounds me.
I don't know if you guys have that, like I
feel like in a relationship there's you know, often like
one person that's like super emotional, really like high intensity
in one person that's sort of like the grounding, calming person.
And Rob is that for me? And I wanted my

(29:48):
kids because I remembered that feeling at that earthquake. It
just shook my whole world and made me feel so
much anxiety, and I don't think I ever knew what
anxiety was like before that, and the sense of like
feeling out of control and wanting control so badly. And

(30:09):
so I really was very very careful this time to
make sure that my kids that I wasn't hiding anything
from my kids, that they knew what was going on,
that they knew that friends, some of their friends lost
their homes, that they were proactive and participants in helping
those friends, and that yeah, we got to pack up,

(30:30):
We got to go. You know, it's time for us
to leave our house. But we're together. And you know,
there was nights when I didn't know what we were
going to do. I wasn't sure if we were going
to leave or we're going to stay. And they kept saying,
what are we going to do? What are we going
to do? What are we going to do? And I
just said, you know what, Daddy and I are going
to be the deciders. We are. The reason it's taking

(30:53):
this much time is because we're deciding what is best
for us as a family in order for us to
be completely safe. And so and when I would get
you know, a little bit, my voice would get like
a little higher, you know, like that anxious voice. I'm
sure we all have a version of it. Rob would
just say, like, take a breath, take a breath. We're

(31:15):
not gonna you know, we're not gonna We're not going
to go in this sort of spiral and then make
our kids feel And so he reminded me a lot
of how to just take it down and not run
around my house, you know. And I know that I
obviously had the luxury those families and the palisades and
those families in Altadena had moments before a fire came

(31:39):
whirring through their neighborhoods, and I had time to pack
everything up and you know, really be deliberate about what
I was taking. And so I know how lucky that is,
but I also know how scary that felt for my kids.
And so I'm so grateful that I have a partner

(32:00):
who is able to sort of stay calm in these situations,
even if it's annoying to me in the moment I'm like,
where is Like why aren't you aked? You know, like,
I'm grateful that I'm able to have that partner, And
I wanted my kids to feel more of a sense
of agency, control and safety than I felt in those moments.

(32:25):
So I'm really looking forward to the next few weeks,
getting some normalcy back, thinking about more ways that I
can help all the families that don't have the same luxury.
And also I want to say something else. So many
of my friends who lost their homes have been looking
for apartments to rent, houses to rent, and they have

(32:48):
literally like gone to places where it's listed at one
price and then they go to see the house and
it's doubled in price because people are just taking advantage
of others in this situation, which I think is illegal,
first of all, and also so inhumane. Like I don't
know what else to say. I think it's the most
insane thing I've ever heard, So I don't know. I

(33:12):
hope that we can just all look out for one
another and be grateful for one another and protect one another.
And I know that that sounds insane because it's twenty
twenty five and people are so focused inward, but that's
my goal. When I wake up in the morning and
I think about how I want my kids to be,

(33:34):
I don't care if they get straight a's. I mean,
I obviously want them to be smart, and I want
them to learn how to read, and I want them
to do whatever it is they want to do. But
at the end of the day, all I want is
for them to be good people who think about others.
And I'm not saying you have to be a martyr
and think about everyone else first, but I'm just saying

(33:55):
it's important to have a worldview and not just look
at what you want what you need. And I feel
like if we can do that, then we can get
through it. And I think that that's the biggest lesson
is like, these last few months have been really scary
with my mom and some other personal stuff, and then

(34:22):
this huge disaster in our community. And I think what
you realize in these moments is that even though it
feels impossible every day that you are waking up and
getting through the day and doing one thing for others
and doing something for yourself and making sure that your
kids are safe and happy, and you're doing it. Like

(34:44):
the scariest thing is not knowing if you'll be able
to handle any of these things. And then you wake
up a week later and you've gotten through the week,
so you've handled it. Even if you've cried ten times,
even if you've had many, many, many tequila sodas through
the evening, You've done it. And I think that that
is such a oh. And then also my car broke down,

(35:05):
so I have no car. I forgot about that. Even so,
it's just been a time. One thing I wish that
I had done differently during this time is like I've
been glued to my phone and all these different apps,
like there's an amazing one, but I am so confused
by them that I can't really read it or checking
or and it's like I just I feel like I

(35:27):
get caught in a vortex of like information and it
feels so confusing because you never know what is right,
is what is accurate, and that's been really tough. So
finding like one source that you really trust instead of
going down a rabbit hole with all these different sources,
I think would be something that I would really focus

(35:50):
on next time, because I don't know, I just you
get so anxious and it's not really Some of it
you realize isn't real, and some of it is very real,
but deciphering between the two can be really tough. So
that's something that I really want to take with me
and hopefully remember for next time. I decided I would

(36:11):
just get on here and talk as a human being,
as a mom, as a wife. My husband, as I said,
is in construction, so he has been going around to
all the houses that he's worked on that have been
in danger. He's been taking things out for families who
have evacuated, gone into their houses, you know, and made

(36:32):
sure that things that they family heirlooms they had were
safe if they'd already left town. He's been working around
the clock. My kids went back to school today. I
don't know, I'm just praying that next week and this
week brings more light and happiness, and I want everyone

(36:55):
to be safe and I, I don't know, it's been
a really heavy week and I am thankful for anyone
that is listening. And if I can help in any way,
DM me at What in the Winkler and I will

(37:17):
be posting different ways that you can help and volunteer
if you're in Los Angeles, and I would love to
hear how you guys are doing. Thank you so much
for joining me on another episode of What in the
Winkler and I will talk to you guys next week