January 6, 2020 • 56 mins
Jana is hanging out with her mom friends Kristen and Kathryn and Olympic gold medalist/new mom Shawn Johnson.
What gold medal would you earn in the “Mom Olympics”? Jana and her friends open up about the feats of strength it takes to be a mom but we also hear some “Mommy Confessions”.
And we talk to Carla Naumburg and find out “How to Stop Losing Your S**t with Your Kids”!
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See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Flying down with Jane Kramer Mia and I'm her radio podcast.
Happy New Year, Whoop, whoop? Who trying not to let
you float alone? Come on, girl, I'm so excited about
this episode. It's a new year, new US, new moms
um and I wanted to bring on some of my
(00:24):
favorite moms um in this episode because I mean, mom's
just rule life, you know. So I got my girl
Catherine Woodard Witten Studio hosting today, What's Up, Sean Johnson,
be Sewn Johnson, What's up? Gold medalist Shawn Johnson and
my girl Christen Breast. I really wish I didn't follow
(00:45):
gold medal and I was like, should have changed the
order there, But that's fine. Uh not a gold medalist,
Christen Breast? How do your gold medal? Mom? There you go? Oh?
You know seven. I'm not sure how true it is.
You feel uncomfortable when people say gold medalist? Yeah? Why
you worked so hard for it? You shouldn't really break
(01:06):
out in a sweat. Why it feels like a lot
of pressure to live up to? What do you mean
you lived to it? Like? When I was speaking of pressure,
what about that gold medal? I mean, I don't know
where do you keep it because when I went over
to your house, I was like secretly searching for it
to try it on. It was like your great is this? Um?
(01:27):
I keep it in a safe actually, and it's safe
so you can't see it. I mean I don't really
need to see it. Late ninety vacuum with it on,
or there many times where you're like yeah around the
house naked brown chicken. No, So like it's safe in
(01:50):
your house. I'm gonna find it. How about you come
over and I'll get it on for you. I've never
held a gold medal. I'll bring it over. Imagine that,
like you earned that. I mean, you've worked so hard
for that. I just can't for our country, Seawan Johnson,
I'd love America wedding. I'm getting really hot. You're basically
(02:11):
an American five layers on right now. I know I
have a lot of clothes on. What would you want
to try to win an Olympic medal for Krista zero
talent so I don't know, I don't qualify for anything,
but like I ran across country because I'm not coordinated,
so I was like I could and I definitely knew
I wouldn't be first, so I wasn't like I had
(02:31):
to like figure out where the track was or the
trail was. I just was like, cool, I'll definitely just
follow this group of girls and jog it out for
a while. But like, okay, let's let's do this since
we're all moms. It's the mom Olympics. What would you
win the gold medal in pack and play up and down? Katherine,
don't give me that glare. She's like, that's hard. I
am the packing play up and down champion. Didn't really
(02:54):
I've actually said there should be mom Olympics, and I
was like, I would dominate it. I don't know how
to put a pack and play because there's something the
thing that you pull always confuses me. So that's where
I message, But I still forget it every time. That's well,
I just really traualed with those babies so many times
that it was like there was times where you just
had to what would you fail at in the Olympics?
(03:15):
Everything else? I think any of us would be gold
medalists or a solid bronze at one handed life? Oh yeah,
for sure, hold the baby do everything with one hand.
Yeah yeah, I feel like I don't know. I feel
like all of our husbands that are really like they're well,
I mean yours is on the road a lot. That's
the only thing. It was like, are helpful? No, I
(03:41):
just your husband Kristen is married to Um Preston from
Low Cash and he's on the road a lot. So
I apologize for that comment. No, I didn't know where
you're going with that. And we said all of our husbands,
I'm like, no, they're just they're they're they're good. They're
great dads, that's the thing they are. Preston's actually, he
really is an awesome dad. He's just not home a lot,
but he's did That's where Yeah, that's where you go
(04:02):
with that, And I get that, and I'm sorry, but
I love you. It's amazing. He's an amazing dad. Yeah. Okay,
so okay, what would you get your I know, i'd
like your fifth metal from six, six or seventh. Um,
I wish that would be great. I don't have that many. Okay,
what would you win the Olympics? I'm still figuring it out. Um,
(04:27):
you're like I figured out the like the wrap thing,
which no, the like to wear a baby? I don't know.
YouTube there was like an action Well, I mean it's
kind of over now jayss like everyone's in her house,
(04:47):
So that doesn't mean who's wearing too. I'm not lying.
I went to a movie the other day in which
a woman, um, you don't remember I think, I said maybe,
but it was actually some sort of event. I don't
remember where. I just let her tell that baby just
came out. That baby just came out, and none of
us knew where we were. But I saw a woman
(05:12):
wearing a child and the front carry the little kid
had to have been seven years old. Stop like it was.
This boy was tiptoeing. The kid was wearing jeans, like
real jeans, not baby jeans, and I she was as
tall as the mom. It was disturbing. It wasn't one
(05:34):
of the raps or was it one of the because
I can get the what are those things called? The
yea are easy because it's a click on the top
of click on the back. I mean, this kid had
been fafty found, so it wasn't. It was a heavy
duty one. But that's crazy on the front, wearing on
the front. It was too much. I actually got one
of those. Foe looked like I did the organic rap.
(05:58):
You know how you're doing the all one piece rap. Right.
See that's what's so because it was so like it
just looks so cool and back She's just like she
wears it so few, it's so heavy and like a door.
I'm like, I tried so hard and it just I
mean because like the ergo babies are too long, like
(06:21):
my ways to my face. So when he carries you exactly, yeah, okay, okay,
And then what would you I mean, you're still learning? What? What? What?
No sounds failing? What are we what are you struggling with?
I would actually the only person that can feed our
(06:42):
child for some reason is my husband. Well, I mean
that sounds weird because but go ahead and clarify, I'm
following stress feeding our child. Um no, um, she just
for some reason gets really fussy when I feed her
with a bottle. And because she wants your addition, she
can smell the boob because you're pumping, so she can
(07:04):
smell that you have the note, So she only wants
your boob. That makes sense, But the man can say
saying that from a formal mom, But that's what I've heard.
She's getting breast milk in a bottle, but she wants
it from you everywhere trillion nipples and I'm leaking all
over her as I'm feeding her with a bottle, and
(07:26):
it's a hot mess. Gold medal, Gold medal. I was
really good at putting babies on a schedule. It was
really really good at that. It would be maybe a bronze,
but I'm talking gold baby. Let's go for the Sean
John that. It was really good at formula. It was
(07:52):
really good to give it my baby's formula. Not breastfeeding.
I love that that You're just I loved it, and
I think because of you, I didn't feel bad in
the fitting that I can help you. He did. I
did for a while, but I had a lot of
guilt around that sadness. Actually, I hate that for I tried.
I hate that for people. I just want them to
just let it go. So guilt you for it. I
(08:14):
know it's ridiculous. I tried breastfeeding and I couldn't. And
to me, well, here's the thing, like when you say
you couldn't, because I remember saying I couldn't either, and
they're like, there's these people, these they can come over
and help you, and it's just like no, I had her,
I had everything. I did it all and I just
I couldn't pretty. Some people just don't want to or
(08:34):
can't just revolve around that all the time. Some people
got to go to work and can't pump every There's
so many reasons, so the thought, why do you care?
Like I remember when Jason was I want to get
back to your metals. But it's a really good topic.
I remember when jas Because I didn't, I tried breastfeeding
with Jolia, and honestly, I'm gonna be really honest, here's
my mom truth. I didn't want a breastfeed. I had
(08:55):
no desire. I didn't I wasn't breastfeed, you know. I
I just for some reason, I didn't feel like I
had to have that connection with the baby. I'm personally
I like my nipples being touched. I don't like it.
I don't want someone sucking on him. I just sorry.
There's a guy here and he's like, cong sorry tim
um No. But I just I personally didn't want to,
(09:15):
but it was really important to Mike, So I said, okay,
I'm gonna try. And you know, my milk didn't come in,
and then they wanted me to supplement, and then they
wanted me to pump, and it was so stressful, and
I was just like crying and I was like, oh
my gosh, my baby lost even more weight than she
should have. And then my milk eventually came in, but
we already made decision to formula feed, and I just
(09:37):
remember getting just like so much shame and so much hate. Luckily,
Catherine was just like, oh no, She's like when I
have Ramsay, I'm walking in with my formula into the hospital.
And so that's what I did with Jason, and I'll
never forget he got sick. He got rs V when
he was just like a couple of weeks old, and
everyone was just like, breast his best, this is how
he's not gonna get sick. And I'm like, oh my god,
they're right, Like I'm if my kid ends up getting worse,
(09:58):
it's because of me because I didn't breast feed. And
so I had two of my girlfriends come over and
they're trying to because my boobs still had the milk
in them and that they were just so engorged and
just gross. So they had the pump on me and
I literally have my friend Ashley and Julie massaging my
breast to try to get milk out. And I'm just bawling.
And then we're trying to like get Ja's to like
(10:18):
connect to my nipple, and you know, I don't know
how to do it because I never breastfeed, so I
was like, I didn't know how to latch it and
how to do all these things. And I'm just like
bawling and they're trying to help me, and Mike walks
in the room is like, why are you doing this
to yourself? And I was like, because I have to,
because everyone says that he's gonna get worse if I
don't breastfeed. And he's like, you called the nurse and
they said it doesn't matter. They're going to be healthy
one way or the other, whether you give them formula
(10:39):
or or the breast milk. It's it's just like but
then this other person says, no, they're not because breast
It is just I just can't listen to its talking,
like honestly, so many opinions, and it's like in my life,
like I had a husband who did two shows the
year our daughter was born, Like I didn't. I needed
(11:00):
everyone fed and just doing the best they could. I
didn't and need the extra pressure of and I tried
for seven weeks to feed her, and I could not
do it. I mean, I had the milk Ninja. They
call her in Nashville and air quotes the milk Ninja.
She came, she gave me the cookie, she gave me
the tea. I did all the things. I recruited some
woman I didn't even know, who's so sweet songwriter, who
my husband knew. I mean, I was just grabbing any
(11:22):
resource and it just wasn't working for us. And I
had so much guilt around it that I think that
added to the postpartum depression. So I think that does
a lot. I think that is one of the biggest
contributing factors uh trouble breastfeed, the guilt around it and
postpartum or breastfeeding and not getting any sleep. I will
(11:42):
say that's a lot to people that do breastfeed successfully
but get up a lot at night and they're the
only ones feeding them, so the husbands are not helping,
You're not getting any sleep. I think that contributes. And
then my guilt was similar, but again completely different. I
had milk, I was like overproducing again, bathing my child
and restam another gold medal, but she wouldn't latch and
(12:04):
that's why I had people coming in lactation specialists saying, oh,
she needs surgery, she needs this, and for like lip
tied and all this crap. And I was like, she's
not tongue tied, she's not lip tied. I've had specialists
look like she's fine, and again they're massaging your boobs
and you're being I mean, you feel just I mean,
(12:25):
it's just a very it's a lot, yeah, not modest experience.
And she's also not human being, so I mean at
some point you're like, okay, I do have feelings. And
I remember sitting in you know, the rocking chair, and
I'm bawling and she's bawling and she's hungry and she's
not eating and she's not latching, and I'm just like,
give her the freaking bottle. And then people guilty about
(12:47):
the bottle and I'm like, are you kidding me? I
can't I do that now at the hospital. So like
with my last one, my milk comes in really fast.
You know, I only pumped with one of them, really,
but my milk had come in. She was latching, so
I thought she was getting she was starving. She was
like not getting any she had lost so much weight.
I asked him to bring me a pump because I
(13:08):
was ngorged in the hospital, and of course they didn't
want to bring me a pump. I forced them to
bring me a pump. When they brought me a pump,
I pump for twenty minutes and nothing would come out
of my boobs and I was in gorge and exactly
and everyone looked at me like that and they go interesting.
I was like, great, while my baby screaming, and I'm like,
so do we want to do anything about this? Clearly
she hasn't been eating for the last three days. I
(13:28):
think setting out of my boobs. Had a non mom
nurse in the hospital when I had legend the last
baby for anybody that's new, and she's a non mom nurse,
and she guilted me. Oh. I was like, I wanted
to pump. I wanted formula, and like, we need to feed.
I was just going to release a little bit and
then but then when nothing came out, yeah, but I
was like, oh, great, I brought sports brawls. I'm good
(13:50):
to go. I did this with my first baby. I
didn't even like give me sports brawls to bring me
formula She's like, no, let's keep keep trying. What do
you want to get some milk out of here? You know?
And so finally I just yelled at him. But I
don't like how hospitals are so like making everybody feel
so guilty these days. I don't like it at all.
Well that and like what you said about because I
know you had really bad postpartum. Did you have postprim depression?
(14:12):
I mean I think I think everyone does, like the
first couple of weeks everything, Yeah, yeah, but it's just
it is the comments and stuff, and I mean, I know, Sehn,
you've had kind of you can't even say. You don't
have to be so careful of things you say because
it's like you can't even say we want a healthy
baby because when people attacked then it's just it's so great.
You literally cannot say anything without people attacking you. And
(14:33):
it's like breast bottle formula. I mean I walked in,
I remember we walked into to meet your beautiful baby,
and I was just like, hey, you should get a
baby breeze. That formulas great, like not stress. He made
me feel really good because like, okay, but yeah, I mean,
there's just so much guilty on every single decision you
ever make as a mom. And I'm sure we're going
(14:53):
to get some comments, you know, on this, and you
know it's not it's not even like it's just we
all just do our own thing and support and say, hey,
I'm sorry that didn't work for you, but you're doing
the best that you can. I mean, literally, you have
four moms in a room that are just all they
want is is to raise a healthy, good baby the
best they can, like mentally, physically. It's like that should
(15:14):
always be enough to me. Absolutely, I agree. Let's take
a break. I forgot you didn't say what you did
worse with mom the word the gold medal. We're there again.
So my gold medal was just on a schedule, schedule
(15:36):
and breastfeeding, which got us off on the total team. Sorry, well,
well you can look at that either as a gold
medal or failing formula all the formula. I yell, I
can yell? Are you yellow? I am a yeller? I
can I can lose my well, which is good because
we're gonna be talking to Carla later. She wrote a
book How a Lot, How to Not Lose your with
(15:59):
your kids, which, okay, there's that, but Also, I think
there's something and I always kind of want to do
a segment on this on the show. Just a true mom,
like a mom truth or a mom what's the thing
called like when you um come and help me out
here where it's like would say like fail, no, like
a mom's secret or it's like I really wanted to confession,
(16:22):
like a mom confessions confession, but it's like it's so bad,
you know what I mean that? Like, but other mom
would relate to Does anyone have a mom confession? Yeah,
but we'll well, we'll just we'll meet you there. Let
us be vulnerable to meet you there. All the women,
(16:47):
all the mom haters out there, they're they're gonna come
Confortunately someone gave birth to them. Okay, I'll start with
like a simple one. Okay, okay, so I pump for
every single feeding. Are you gonna do formula? Um? I started? Yeah, okay, yeah,
I good, good for you. Formula so that you go
(17:11):
battlists can make us feel like, actually have some formula
samples in our bag right now to give you she
actually does. Um. So I have supplemented with formula and
I plan on some point, but since I am producing
at the moment. I'm just kind of like whatever. I
(17:32):
had to pump on the plane for the first time
the other day, so that was a humbling experience. Um
so that made me not want to pump anymore. Well,
when you're ready to drop, but some cold cabbage on
your boobs works, like just don yeah, I know, that's
that's what killed me. Cold cabbage in a tight sports
p will lock those bad boys up. Um okay, So
I'll start with the tame one. I mean, this could
be team or not. I don't know, but they like
(17:54):
people guilt you into like you gotta wash everything, you
gotta do it in whatever whatever. Um, I can't tell
you the last time I've cleaned pump hearts. It's that bad. No,
I'm not gonna let anybody feel bad, you see me.
I'm like, nope, absolutely not. I mean that's terrible. That's
(18:15):
my first one. That's good. Have you like rented out
with water? Janna's judging wondered what that to? Have you
have you thought about it? I'm just the voice for
the listeners, So I'm just gonna like I'm just doing Yes,
I use it. I rented out with really hot water.
(18:37):
Then she's not okay, what's the bad one? I come on, Okay, okay,
we got to come up with that mouse. Okay, Kristen, Yeah,
mind some more recent and so embarrassing. I don't share it.
I don't even get to poop by myself. So you guys,
(19:01):
this is such mom like we have toddlers. This is
so embarrassing. I can't believe this is the most recent
one I can think of, because I feel like the
baby days I was since such a fog. Anyways, the
other day, everyone kept coming into the bathroom and my
husband's on the road, and I was just like, I
just got the bathroom in peace. So I made them
(19:21):
all go outside. I only have too, but it feels
like there's fifty when they're all engaging. So I made
them go to the outside the back. I like push
them out of the half bath and shut the door
and I locked it, which just really threw them both
for like it's very abandoned. And then I was like,
how am I supposed to even enjoy being in here
by myself if you're both crying outside of the door.
(19:41):
And I felt like it was a hostage situation. So
I turned to Peekaboo Barn on my cell phone and
I triple keyed it, you know, to put it under
child lock, and I slid it under the door like
it you know, you like triple click to get it
on like guided access, so they can't get into any
part of your phone other than what a is open. Okay,
(20:03):
it's actually an iPhone thing. It's not like an extra
app or anything. Guided access is what it's called interesting
and you can do it on any app you're in
you just like I think it's the side key. You
just triple click it and it puts you in. You
have to have a passco to get out of it anyway,
so I triple not seem like a fail. Okay, great,
I slid it under like it was a hostage negotiation,
(20:25):
and I heard, okay, I need you, I need you,
I need because I'm not saying this is just my
screen time here with even so that I could just okay, well,
I just admitted to giving my child bacteria filled milk.
(20:48):
All right, I'm gonna get I'm gonna get. Give me
time time, Christie. If you don't want to do that,
do you like a mom confession where it's like, sometimes
I wish that my child would be beep beep. I'm
gonna have you guys. I have them. I did a
lot of days alone, like Jannah knows, I didn't. We
don't have like a nanny. We didn't have a night
nurse at all with the first one. I had a
(21:08):
night nurse for sixteen nights with the second one. So
there's certainly some dark times. I just need to dig
for a minute. I just it was a moment I
wasn't proud of when I slid the ransom under the
doors so that I could poop alone in peace. Catherine,
I know I have. I just got to think about it,
not even like something that's happened, like just like sometimes
(21:29):
I wish or sometimes I think my daughter is annoying,
or sometimes I missed the days where I used to
sit in my apartment and date myself and watch two
movies back to back and order pad tie and open
a bottle of wine at the very beginning of the
first movie and order pad tied before the second one. Kristen,
do miss it? I miss alone time? Oh? Yeah? Alone
(21:49):
time for sure. I mean not in like I mean
not in a way where I'm like I wish this
would all go away, But I definitely and then I
feel guilty because I missed those days. Sure well here
and that's the problem too, because for everything that and
you know you've gone through we'll shoot you guys. Both
Catherine didn't gone through a miscarriage, have you? So? Okay?
So Sean and Krison have both gone through miscarriages, as
(22:11):
I have as well. But we can't say that because
then people say, but you should be so grateful, like
you have a kid. So that's another thing where it's
like it's very hard to but I feel so we're
entitled to that. Like, yes, I too would like to
poop alone and not have Jay's pounding on the door
and Julie asking me questions. Absolutely, I would love to
lay about all day and watch a walk to you know,
(22:32):
walk to remember, and a walk in the clouds and
anything else with the walk to do whatever I want
and whatever. Yeah, but you also then if you say that,
then you get crapped for that. Yeah. Well, if you're
in the arena, you gotta play big. If you're in
the arena, they tear you down. Do anything, keV. I mean,
I know I have stuff, Sean, just say it that
(22:55):
I have so many there has to be come on,
I mean, what are you feeding my newborn bacteria filled milk?
So it's pretty bad, all right, well that I need
my kids like lucky charms. Isn't your milk like the
cleanest thing, more leaning than that? Yeah, but I guess
I'm just I wouldn't worry. I love our two side conversations.
Y'all are talking about the milk being you know, clean,
(23:19):
But then Katherine's like, I need my kids lucky charm.
You never feed your kids that, And I was like,
I could fettle more lenient. Yeah, Like we go in
the beach trip and it's like, oh, we got lucky
charms for exciting like playing. I'm like, my kids get
it all the time, but fine, totally respect, you know whatever.
And I'm like, what marshmallows. I was like, oh, dear God,
here hoss avocados coming right? You know? I was like,
(23:42):
who wants blueberries and scrambled eggs? I know, no, but
I am getting I am getting way better with that
because just the other day, Julie asked for cereal all
the time for dinner, and all the time I'm like, no, no, no,
no no. And finally, in the past couple of nights,
I'm like, yes, fine, what do you want which one? Yeah?
(24:03):
Good for you. Yeah, we had a lot of rules.
I felt like growing up with that kind of stuff,
and so I think that's why I don't have a
lot of I'm not a huge agreed. There's a happy medium.
We're just good at balancing. I will let them have junk,
but they will have fruit with every meal. Listen, dinner,
they'll have a fruit vegetable. But I'll let you know.
(24:23):
I don't care if clean. But then also love orders
talk about with me on DoorDash. So see, I'm all
about some balance. Yeah, you need it. She says, I
need a taco without the salad, so she's even taking
off anything green that comes with taco. About. Yeah. Here's
the thing though that I dip do with Jolie is
(24:44):
I have to She has to make a happy play
in order to get a snack, so happy plate means
she has to finish her meal, her dinner before she
can get chocolate or a cookie. I usually do that.
I mean, there are times I will break the rule,
but in general, yes, I can't go completely rogue. Guys
are looking to us for some sort of guidance. You can't,
I mean, but then like your kids get older and
(25:07):
it's like, I'm not going to tell them they can't
go get a snack like I go to school now,
you know. And it's like so it changes as they
get older a little bit too. Well. It's funny because
that year I was just at Katherine's, her daughter's what
how old is she? Eight? Hate year old? Party, and
they were sprite there and Julie's wants and I was like, no,
Julie can't have it, and she's like, you know, starts
her litt temper. I was like, you're not fine. You've
(25:28):
never tried it before I try it, so I feel
like she hated it, but she usually the case that's good. Yeah,
I was like, all right, my kids, with all of us,
actually we think we want something and then we have
it and we're like, my kids didn't have soft drinks
to relate, I mean, minus like my in law is
giving it to him when I don't know. But now
occasionally I'll let them have like a dr pepper or coke. Conession,
(25:51):
I'm like the cleanest human on the planet. This is
a good confession. Sparked by your soda talk pop. If
you're in the North, I am clean, clean, like gluten
raw like I don't eat meat, the kids don't eat meat.
Pressing is a redneck, so he eats meat when he's
not at home. But when I was growing love Bug
in my belly, I had a fountain soda a day.
(26:14):
I could not get enough. I couldn't get enough of it,
and Pressing kept saying, you're feeding our baby rat poison sugar.
And I was like, lay off me at like the
sonic time. So there's one. I mean, like she honestly
her blood type could be a positive and diet PEPSI.
I drank a coke slurpee every single day with Jay's
all right, I'm gonna seven eleven. Your confession suck. I
(26:37):
always drink it, trying so hard. The dark days I forget,
but that days. Oh before we take a break because
actually we probably talked to her next because I think
we're on the right track here. How did I lose
your with your kids? Um? We're gonna have carlin Naumberg
on the phone with us next. Okay, I'm really excited
(27:04):
about this because obviously I have my girls here, but
we are getting get on the phone with Carla um
In her book, I'll never forget. It came to me.
I think it was like in UM some like gift
box or whatever, but it was how did not lose
your with your kids? And I was like, I love
this title so much. So we have around the phone
right now, Carla, I'm glad to be here. UM, thank
(27:28):
you for just being honest, because I feel like a
lot of times people are like, they don't we lose our?
But how do you not lose your? That's the thing. Oh,
we all lose our. I still lose my. I just
do it less than I used to, and when it
still happens, I can recover a lot more quickly than
I did before. But let's be clear, we're all losing it, right,
(27:50):
But like, what's the first step in taking that to
not like is it to take a breath as it
to walk away? I need to read it because I
still have it's sitting on my sitting on my side table,
and it's just it's almost like I just have to
keep looking at it to be like, okay, breathe, But
what like I'm gonna open it. I promise I will,
But what's the first step in that? I think the
first step is to understand what's causing our ship loss right.
(28:15):
And we may think it's because our kids are being
obnoxious or unreasonable or unpredictable, and well, that's true. Sometimes
I would argue it's that because we parents get triggered.
Something happens in our life, whether it's something about a
mortgage payment or a flat tire or bad news from
the principle or whatever it is, and our buttons, and
(28:36):
we all have the buttons, get big and bright and
super sensitive when we are triggered. And then our kids
come along and as any parent who is spanking big man,
so the kid will tell you. Kids see a button
and they want to push it. So when we parents
are triggered, we've got these super pushable buttons, and our
kids are like, I'm going for it. I'm spicking my
finger out, I'm pushing that button, because that's what you do.
(28:58):
And so the first step up is to start to
notice when we parents are triggered and know how to
take care of ourselves so that when our kids behave
in problematic, annoying, and predictable whatever ways, our buttons aren't pushed.
We can be cool and stay calm and roll with it.
Because any parenting book that tells you that the secret
to not losing your is to get your kids to
(29:19):
behave well all the time. Well, I don't know. No,
I don't think that's ever going to happen. If I
had the secret to that, I don't know, I'd be
hanging out with Oprah my private Islanderson. Why are you
shaking your head? Because no kid is going to behave
well all the time. I mean that's likely appropriate. No,
I don't actually want them to, because then I'll feel
like they're better than me. Who's raising who? I mean?
(29:43):
If they lose there and I lose my, then at
least we're all being human. Make you feel better about yourself. Yeah,
you're all losing it together. That's right. My four year
old already kind of acts like she should be a parent.
So if she was like always well put together and
in a tiny business suit and life, I think I
would probably feel like there's no need for me and
I could just roll out. Is that a thing, though?
(30:06):
Is it is that important to not have the kid
be the parent in that situation? Absolutely? Look, kids need
to be kids, and when kids become parents, they don't
They don't get a chance to have fun and make
mistakes and feel their feelings and do all those things.
So absolutely, I mean, letting our kids be kids is
one of the greatest gifts we can give them. And
(30:27):
I frequently say to my older daughter who wants to
be the parents, She's like, I think she's ready, she's
eleven years old. I say to her, Hey, I got this.
I'm the parent. I'll take care of this for you. Now.
She doesn't always believe me, but we'll get there. How
is like, what do you say when you Because there's
a lot of times when I've talked to Jolie and
I've gone in the room and I know I did
(30:47):
it wrong. Is there something that I should say? Like
should I go and apologize for for me losing it? Oh? Absolutely?
And here's how I do it. And I've had a
lot of practice with this. One is I'll go in
and I'll say I'm sorry I yelled at you. I
shouldn't yelled at you. That wasn't the right way to
handle it. And look, the trick to apologizing, well, there's
two tricks. One is wait till you're calm. If you're
(31:08):
still all triggered and piste off, what's gonna happen is
you're gonna go in there and apologize to your child,
and you're gonna expect them to be like, it's who came,
mom me, I love you, I'm sorry too, this was
all my fault. And instead they're gonna like grumble at you,
or be like, yeah, you should be yelled at me,
or maybe they're just gonna ignore you. And because you're
still triggered, you're gonna find that behavior annoying and you're
gonna lose your again. So you gotta wait till you're calm,
(31:31):
so that even if the kid doesn't give you this
awesome response that you want, you can still stay calm
and not lose it. And the other thing is that
you never have to apologize for how you feel. You
don't have to say I'm sorry, I was mad. There's
nothing wrong with being mad, and I want adults to
know that, and I really want kids to know that
there's nothing wrong with being mad or piste off or
frustrated or confused or anxious or any of it. I mean,
(31:53):
it doesn't feel good, but there's nothing wrong with it.
So we apologize for our behavior, right, I'm sorry yelled
at you, I'm sorry I slammed the door, and then
after we've sort of reconnected, there may need to be
another conversation like, hey, buddy, I'm sorry I locked it,
but I asked you to put on your shoes eighty
seven times and I got frustrated. And then you can
talk about strategies for getting those shoes on, which is,
(32:15):
you know, the challenge of a lifetime. Well and then
you also have a thing too with like how to
make bedtime easier, because I feel like that's been my
biggest struggle. I mean, what Katherine you're over last night, Julie,
I mean she got up five million times. I have
to pee, I want milk, I want water, I have
to go to the bathroom again. I'm scared in my room.
I need my unicorn, I need my But it's like, Jolie,
please go back to bed, Julie, please go And then
I wanted to scream, Jolie, go back to freaking you
(32:36):
know what I mean, Like, it's got so frustrating because
it's two hours of it. So I'm like, what do
what do I say to? You know, she's going to
be four in like a few weeks, so love to
that old This is a tough age, By the way,
I would argue that three and a half to more
and a half is the hardest age. A m It
gets better. I promise it will get better. But what
(32:59):
you can finally say you were is you can say, hey, kiddo,
I am tired. If you get up again, there is
a chance I'm gonna lose it with you because I'm
getting too tired and I can't. I need to go
to bed. And so if you come down again, there
is a chance I'm gonna yell at you because I'm
so frustrated, and I just want you to know that,
and I say things like that's my kids. I'll say
to them, you know what, my buttons are all pushed.
(33:20):
I'm gonna go in the other room taking deep breath,
and if you follow me, I will probably yell at you.
So I need you to know that. And sometimes they
give me some space, and sometimes they come in after
me and guess what, I lose it because I got
no band with left. Is it okay to yell? Is
it okay to yell? Yeah? Of course we all do it.
Sometimes the question is, well, it depends is so first
(33:42):
of all, is this the dominant dynamic in your relationship
with your child? If you're yelling at the constantly, that's
not awesome, right, It doesn't feel good for you, it
doesn't feel good for them. And if you're yelling at
them about sort of confusing and unpredictable things in ways
that feel disproportionate, like if they spill their milk, and
maybe when you know you were a kid, your parents
just would absolutely explode, like ethically when you spilled your milk.
(34:05):
And so now you see spilled milk in your body's like, oh,
I know what to do in the situation, I lose
my And if you like explode like crazy town over
spilled milk, that's confusing for a child. You know they're
gonna be like, oh, I must have done something crazy
wrong because mom just exploded. There is something wrong with me.
But you know, let's talk about the shoes thing, because
(34:26):
I don't know about you, but in my family, this
is like the ongoing struggle, even though we do it
every freaking day, somehow it takes a million years to
get our shoes on every morning. My daughter like eighteen
times put on your shoes, till on your shoes, put
on your shoes, and she doesn't, and then I yell
at her that's pretty predictable. Like she she knew that
was coming. I should have maybe slowed down and got,
(34:46):
you know, down on her level and said, let's go
put on your shoes. What's your strategy for doing it
and talked her through it. But mornings are busy. I
don't always do that, and so that's a pretty predictable outcome,
and she can say, internal, Oh, the reason mom yelled
at me is let me put my shoes on. So
some of the questions you might want to ask yourself
is how often are you exploding at your kids? And
(35:08):
how intensely is it and is it proportionate to what's
actually going on? That makes a lot of sense. It's
so hard though, I think a lot of times for me,
it's not. I'm not They're like the straw that broke
the camel's back for me, So it will be like
a million other adult things and then it will just
be like the one thing that they do and I don't.
We're not really a yelling household. I grew up in
(35:29):
a super yelling household, so I'm very like conscious of
how we parent, and it's pretty calm most of the time.
But and I'm not saying it's like perfect, it's just calm,
like we just don't rage out, you know, Um, but
I do. I don't know, Like I I feel like
it's usually like if I'm upset with my husband or
he's done something that's bothered me, and then they don't
(35:50):
put their shoes on or whatever, then I'm like, ah,
you know, like it's it's that's there. Unfortunately, I'm just
like outing myself. It sound like the worst mom ever.
You're no, you're being real, and I appreciate because yeah,
it's like sound like me and every other mom. I mean,
I would argue that is the most common reason we
lose it with our kids. Sometimes it's because they've done
(36:12):
something so ethically annoying or problematic that we have no
coping skills left. But more often than not, it's because
we're exhausted, we're pistol our parenting partners, some other mom
on the playground, some made some weird, snarky comment and
we can't stop thinking about it. We heard something horrible
on the news, which hello, that's constant these days. So
we're triggered and we have literally nothing left. Yeah, I'm
(36:32):
more annoyed with the adult children in my life than
I am the children children in my life, so our
buttons are huge and bright and red and super sensitive.
And sometimes my buttons get so big that my kid
even walks in the room and I'm like, get out.
And so you know, our job in that case is
to be the grown up to notice that we are
(36:53):
triggered like crazy. And then we've got a few options.
You can say to your kid, I'm having a really
hard day, like, let's try to be a team and
work together and just take it easy on each other
because I don't have a lot of like, I don't
have a lot of energy left. And obviously you change
the language depending on how old they kid is. And
some things we get home and I'm like, yay, tonight
is special eating dinner in front of the TV night
because mom got nothing left to give you. And so
(37:16):
I say those nights for mac and cheese in front
of the TV for when I need them, not to
when the kids meet them, but when I'm like, I
literally need you to not engage with me because I'm
so wiped out. And that's that's just being honest about
what I have in that moment, right and so, and
they think it's amazing. They think it's like a party. Meanwhile,
I'm stewing and like plotting my husband's death. But you're
(37:37):
like happily friends over here watching TV and it's great.
What's the problem? Eat your macaroni. I'm figuring out how
to hide up, how how to hide the body? I
love you? There you go. Yeah, But I guess that
leads to the you know, the grand old point right there.
I mean, that's most of it is because of you know,
(37:57):
the something's bothering you from work or your spouse or
and I feel bad that our kids take the brunt
of of that. I really think the most important thing
is having that conversation. I can't tell you how many
times I've lost my and then gone back and apologized
when I'm calm, like she said, had the conversation, and
they're like, it's okay, mommy, like you know, and just explain.
I do that at night too. I'm like, I am tired.
(38:19):
I need you to go to sleep because I am
really tired, and I'm about I do all of those things,
and it makes a huge difference, especially as they get
older they can understand it. It helps a lot and
just notice things that we're about to lose it because
a lot of us walk around triggered like crazy all
day long. Our shoulders are up by our ears, were
taking these deep breaths, you know, we're having these piste
off thoughts in our mind and we don't even notice it.
(38:41):
And so when you can start to realize, oh, I'm
in a not great place right now, and I need
to take ten deep breaths to go for walk around
the block, or sit and just drop my shoulders or
whatever it is to kind of calm down. That makes
a huge difference. Chris, and what we're you gonna say,
I was gonna say, for a bedtime for us NAPTI
in bedtime, we're failing miserably at bedtime or we're super succeeding,
(39:04):
depending on how granola you are. I'm either the co
sleep champion or I'm like them in your own bed
like failure. So um, but like for naptime, she doesn't
like to she doesn't like to lay down, and she's
she's about to be four on Sunday and I can't
even say that barely without crying. So um, I just
now tell her if she's awake in five minutes, she
(39:25):
can get back up and watch TV because I know
she's not going to do it. She also doesn't know
what five minutes is, so it's awesome because she'd be like,
is it five minutes yet? And I'm like, nope, you
gotta close your eyes. If you're still awake in five minutes,
then we can watch TV. And then that she just
never makes it. They're exhausted, so they don't know yet.
Take advantage friends. We haven't educated them on the power
of a minute. You have a baby, so it's like,
(39:48):
what's your any questions for Carla? The fact that you know,
have you lost your stuff on your sweet innocent little baby?
You're sweet little baby? Does I think I take all
my baby frustration out of my husband. Nfortunately, just because
you can't really talk to and to two month old
Ayah and be like, why are you crying? Although we
have actually yeah, like I don't know what you want.
(40:12):
I don't know what you need for me. I need
you to stop crying. I'm gonna go take it out
to my husband now, and then I'm gonna find my
husband argue with him for no reason whatsoever. YEA sounds
about sounds about the game, right, Carla? About four or
four Carla what's the one thing that you wish that
you would have known, you know from the very beginning
with your parenting style, and um, just yeah, something that
(40:35):
would have just kept you a little peaceful with this journey.
I wish I had understood that for me and for
almost everyone's, sleep is non negotiable and when you're not sleeping,
you cannot parent well and you have to cut yourself
a whole lot of slack. I was, you can't do anything.
And I was losing my shop with my husband. I
was losing my shop with myself. I was. I mean,
(40:57):
it was a mess. My anxiety exploded. It was all
because I was sleeping. But I thought I had to
be some like super mom and power through. And really,
what I should have been saying to myself is this
is a stage. We'll get through it. And like today,
my goal is to get like, keep my kid alive,
keep my help alive, and get through with the bare
minimum of what needs to happen. Carla, where can our
listeners find you? So? Um? The book is called How
(41:19):
to Stop Losing your with your Kids. It's available at
their local independent bookstore, on Amazon where the books are sold,
and on my website. Is Carla Namberg dot com. Yay um, Carla,
thank you so much for talking to us moms who
really appreciate it. And I feel like we just need
to all mamas out there and need to give yourself
a little bit of grace because we're doing just the
best that we can. Amen. Amen, from the depths of
(41:43):
my soul. Thank you, Carla, Thanks a lot. Bye. I
got a couple of emails. I wanna get y'all's input.
Okay from anonymous overly friendly neighbor? Wait what from anonymous? Oh?
(42:07):
Okay from anonymous about an overly friendly neighbor. Interesting, Christen,
did you write this? No, you would have had clarity
on the first sentence. So we moved into a new
neighborhood and we're having a few cocktails with the neighbor.
Her husband was at work. She out of the blue
asked my husband what what? I'm sorry, She out of
(42:30):
the blue asked my husband what kind of underwear he wears?
Then she looked him up and found what high school
he went to and that he has a football record.
So now I have no interest in the girl, and
my husband thinks I'm being ridiculous. I don't trust her.
I trust my husband, but I can't be friends with her?
Do you agree? Strong agree? Yeah? Why that's weird. That's
(42:58):
a that's an aggressive like, that's weird question. It's nice
to meet you guys, Tidy whiteis or boxers? Yeah, I
mean if overly friendly, it's her putting it nicely. I
would have been like from anonymous, bitches crazy, you know
what I mean? Like, honestly, can you imagine looking up
what high school? It's not like she's saying her husband
(43:19):
played in the NFL or something and it's like, oh, well,
that's interesting. Let's see where I mean in high school? Yeah,
that's like faceboo this person. I just think it'd be
really weird if I went up to even Nick. I've
known Nick for how many years? Your husband, Catherine? I mean,
I would be like if I asked Nick what kind
of underwear he wears? And that's just so, and your
(43:41):
to your point is your high school team. It's just
like your high school. And she looked him up and
found what high school he went to and that he
has a football record. So now I have no interest
in the girl. And my husband thinks I'm being ridiculous.
I don't like that. Yeah, I don't. Why don't? Well,
and he probably loves the attemp doesn't think it's a
big deal. But but I hope he knows that, like,
(44:05):
that's weird, but it's also flattering for him. I wonder
if the rules were reversed and it was a guy
neighbor looking at her high school and and asking her
what kind of bra she wears, would he feel that way?
Probably not flip it. You should do that, bitches crazy,
So let's just not invite that neighbor over next time. Okay?
From Anonymous husbands and social media. I am married and
(44:28):
have been for a little over a year. My husband
and I were best friends for two years and then
dated for three before getting married. Knowing my husband for
so long, I knew every girl he had been with.
Everything was going fine until I noticed he was still
talking to his previous hook up friend. I talked about
it with him and he stopped from there, though I
was very suspicious because I had been due before. He
(44:49):
worked at a big city hospital during this time, and
I noticed that he filed a lot of his coworkers
and coworkers on social media. I didn't think it was
strange until I noticed that a lot of these coworkers
were nurses and that they tended to post certain posts
I was uncomfortable with. He also had these people on
Snapchat and still had his excess on his social media
as well. Eventually he just deleted social media social media
(45:11):
altogether because he would get so defensive when I brought
it up. What are your thoughts on this? Up to?
No good? Strong dislike social media sucks, whether it's innocent
or not. People blur lines every single day, every single day.
People are flirts by nature, and social media exaggerates it,
(45:35):
and there's no easy way to paint a black or
white line, so it makes it really complicated. And there's
no reason he should know what any if you went objective,
say there is no social media, he wouldn't know what
those nurses are doing on their downtime. So I don't
like the accessibility of knowing what they're up to. And
just in our marriage, what works for us. Please don't
(45:58):
write to Joanna. Um, it's just no girls. There's just
no girls. It can't it doesn't work. Well. It's Preston
told me when we met, guys and girls can't be friends.
And at first I was like, no way, and then
I started thinking about it, and he was like, to
name a guy friend you have that wouldn't make out
with you have given the choice, And I was like,
I yike. You know my husband said the same thing.
(46:19):
Girls and guys can't be friends. I mean I don't,
but I also just at this point have no interest
in wanting to engage with another dude period. I mean,
everything is very respectful, Like I don't. I don't have
Mike's number, I don't want Mike's number. I don't have
Nick's number. I didn't even save Preston's number under Preston
like when he had texted about your surprise party, Like
I don't, I don't. I don't know Andrew on there
(46:43):
just because he's like a brother to me. Yeah, but
I'm saying like I don't, but I wouldn't be even
in the inside jokes that we have from like our
game nights and stuff. I just text you guys about it,
you know, and just assume that you tell your husband's
like I don't, I don't know. Just my question though
about that, what're gonna say with social media too, it
takes away any of the guestswork, So like if you
(47:03):
follow any of your co workers on social media, you
go into work the next day knowing what they did
that night, what they drank, what they ate usually because
people always take a picture of it. I shake basic, Yes, exactly.
It takes away like the first couple of dates. I mean,
to be honest, it's it's like you've already gone on
a first date with someone, so you already know them
more than you should. It makes it really complicated. So
(47:26):
here's my question, because my husband isn't on social media,
because all of your husbands are, So do you do
you patrol or do you like? What if and Andrew
follows me? Does he now if you what if you
saw your husband? What if Nick's following a Victoria's Secret model?
(47:48):
What if Andrew is following a pretty girl? Like what
if Preston is following? You know? So it's like, what
what do you do that? Do you say? Can you
please and follow? Because that makes me uncomfortable? Or I know,
I mean, I know how it would makes me feel.
But also you know, luckily he's not on social media.
But still, I mean, I think it's safe to ask
that at any point. I think everyone has the right
to ask that if it makes them uncomfortable. I mean,
(48:10):
Nick does follow women on social media and he has
clients that are women, and I just but what if
they're like, fortunately, like bikini shots and stuff. I mean,
I haven't looked, but yeah, I would definitely say something
and say uncomfortable with it. I guess. I mean, I'm
my well you, I think you could ask anyone. I
(48:30):
think you could ask your significant other to and follow anyone.
But social media is not. I mean you can't censor it.
So whether you follow them or not, it's still accessible.
And does that I feel like it's just the world
we live in unfortunately, because if you go to a
bar without social media, someone's probably going to put moves
(48:54):
on your husband. It's going to happen, and vice versa.
That's just life and was social media, it's exaggerated. People
can do it every day in any way, shape or form,
whether it's intended or not. Just by posting a bikini shot,
they're basically putting a move on on everyone in the world.
And it's just your choice every single day to say, Okay,
(49:15):
you know what, you're going to see it. You're going
to have thoughts about it, just because it's the world
we live in. But at the end, of the day,
you have to make your choice of being integrity having
exactly like that. That's very well said. I mean, because
how many times on a daily basis are we seeing
something that our husband probably doesn't want us to be
looking at, whether it's a shortless sky or that's the thing,
(49:36):
I don't even intentionally look at it like I was.
I was just scrolling through. And I know exactly we're
talking about because on Instagram the other day, I was
just scrolling through and like I saw, like Tyler Cameron.
Yes he is a very attractive man, but I didn't
even like I have no, I don't want to look
at it. But that's the difference, because we're also annoyed
by many that were like I'm not spending my free
time looking at the differences. Is you still saw it,
(49:58):
but I did not mean with it. But you don't
know if he thought further about it, or if he
didn't think as I say, as women though are natural
instinct would be like you did think something about it,
even though and maybe they scrolled by it and stopped
for a second but kept going. We're going to say, oh,
but you stopped, whether you like I thought it was
(50:21):
something else, it's just how we're wired, and it's just
that active choice every day to be like, you know what,
he's choosing me. He's at home and I have to
trust him until something else happens and we'll take it
from there. It sucks. So if you ever do you
ever look to see? I tried. I'm a girl, of
(50:44):
course I look, But I honestly, every time I catch
myself getting within that vibe of I want to check
and I want to see and I want to patrol,
I try to get out of it as quickly as
possible because that's just a spiral waiting to happen. If
at the end of the day have to just trust.
And I know people always say, you know that's like
je sic your worst problem. It's like no, but it's
(51:05):
like trust problem. It's everyone. It's yeah, everyone has a
hard time trusting. I think that's just again because of society.
It's hard to so you question things a lot, but
the trust is still, you know, it's just hard. I
remember a girl posted one time, um being on the
bus with Preston not like in the front lounge. So
(51:26):
if you're a music person, you know, like front lounge
just kind of like living room, you know, and it's
not anything like they were like taking a selfie in
a bunk, because I would murder. But it was like I,
you know I did in my twenties, like just like
selfies just didn't care like I was just like I
was the worst. Anyways, continued, but I did say to him,
(51:47):
I mean it was okay. So she takes this picture, right,
she was like a singer opening up for them or something.
And and the guys are genuinely nice guys. They're not creepy,
they're just they are good guys. And they invited her
to come on with her dad and they all talked
and hung out. But I didn't see the dad, right,
I didn't know she was on the bus um. And
so I see this picture and she's like, oh my gosh,
(52:09):
the best guys ever had so much fun partying with you.
So instantly I'm like, who is she? When was this?
Why didn't you tell me how much partying? There's so
many pieces missing of it that it's so misleading. And
that's when you're like, this isn't like that's that's where
the trust too. That's the thing that information first that
(52:32):
he's going her dad was with her and this other dude.
So when I brought it up to him, this is
I just need to like sing his praises because there's
a lot of times where I don't, admittedly, but he like,
there's a no chick on the bus policy. Now that's
just that because he's like, okay, well, and I said
to him, I was like, if I'm feeling that way
and I can get to the bottom of it, like,
(52:54):
what does it look like? The perception is your party, guys,
and a girl can be on your bus, and that's
a lot of girls. They're doing that for that reaction,
of course, I mean, that's what they're doing. They want
the reaction of oh my god, you partied with them,
you know, And that's why it's just easier to just know. Well,
which kind of goes into this last email um from Anonymous.
(53:15):
His love triggers me trust has been broken in our marriage.
I think that's just that line is like right there
made me want to cry a little bit. We haven't
been to therapy yet, hope to, but has not been
a priority. We can't seem to move forward in rebuilding,
and I'm afraid it will be the end of us.
Not to say we don't both want to try. He's
putting an effort by being transparent, but I am having
(53:36):
a hard time with my part. How do you rebuild
trust when even his love is a trigger? Every time
he says he loves me, I'm reminded that if he
loved me, he wouldn't have caused me so much pain.
M hmm. For any of us qualified to answers, you
need a PhD. That's what I've always been trying to
(53:58):
like find though, because I a lot of people again,
I always they're like, you just need to trust or
or it's it's like it's so much that's not something
to say to anyone because like even in your situation,
like yes you trust Andrew, but you still might look
absolutely its social media and things, and it's like, how
do you rebild trust? I think it's just time. I
(54:18):
think it's time to time and a lot of a
lot of therapy, yes, a lot of proof and consistent,
rigorous honesty. And I think that's the changes is like
an absolute must. It's not just the time, it's action.
For me, like I can, I don't need words. I
grew up with a lot of like do as I say,
not as I do. Kind of mentality in our house,
(54:40):
parents wise, and so I have to zero interests and
like hearing anyone talk about how they're going to be
different and not do anything. Sure, well, I think the
hard time. The hard thing too is like you know,
even in the situation before, it's like you you give
them trust, but then they lie. So it's like that
situation just continues to make them not trustworthy because of
(55:02):
like Katherine said, the consistency and being rigorously honest. So, um,
there's something that UM I know has worked and we
learned from therapy is the rule. So you have twenty
four hours if you lie, to come back and say, hey,
you know what I messed up. That was a lie
And that shows change, That shows some honesty, that shows
(55:23):
a little growth. But I would say get into therapy
because it's worth it. I don't think you can do
it without therapy. You can't. Just I don't think you can.
It's too emotional. I don't think you can because I
think you need a third party kind of calling people
to the table and some accountability for some things, and
I think you can't do that with each other. I
just don't think you can. Are we all on the
(55:43):
same page. Yeah agree, guys, good episode. Yeah right, you're amazing.
We didn't get Shawn's big confession. Oh yeah again, bacteria
filled milk. There you go. It wasn't that. Um girls,
where can all the listeners and jew Christen At a
little bit fancy to spell it out, not like a rapper?
(56:08):
Um at? Shawn Johnson, Sean Johnson, nobody, Catherine just everyone
knows Catherine, Katherine Woodard? Is it Katherine V. Woodard? I
don't know. I love you girls, Thanks for hanging out
with me. It's really cool that we had a really fun,
like you know, girls, girls episode anytime. We've been talking
about this for too long. It was time we did.
(56:29):
It was time, um Stay tuned for next week.
Flying down with Jane Kramer Mia and I'm her radio podcast.
Happy New Year, Whoop, whoop? Who trying not to let
you float alone? Come on, girl, I'm so excited about
this episode. It's a new year, new US, new moms
um and I wanted to bring on some of my
(00:24):
favorite moms um in this episode because I mean, mom's
just rule life, you know. So I got my girl
Catherine Woodard Witten Studio hosting today, What's Up, Sean Johnson,
be Sewn Johnson, What's up? Gold medalist Shawn Johnson and
my girl Christen Breast. I really wish I didn't follow
(00:45):
gold medal and I was like, should have changed the
order there, But that's fine. Uh not a gold medalist,
Christen Breast? How do your gold medal? Mom? There you go? Oh?
You know seven. I'm not sure how true it is.
You feel uncomfortable when people say gold medalist? Yeah? Why
you worked so hard for it? You shouldn't really break
(01:06):
out in a sweat. Why it feels like a lot
of pressure to live up to? What do you mean
you lived to it? Like? When I was speaking of pressure,
what about that gold medal? I mean, I don't know
where do you keep it because when I went over
to your house, I was like secretly searching for it
to try it on. It was like your great is this? Um?
(01:27):
I keep it in a safe actually, and it's safe
so you can't see it. I mean I don't really
need to see it. Late ninety vacuum with it on,
or there many times where you're like yeah around the
house naked brown chicken. No, So like it's safe in
(01:50):
your house. I'm gonna find it. How about you come
over and I'll get it on for you. I've never
held a gold medal. I'll bring it over. Imagine that,
like you earned that. I mean, you've worked so hard
for that. I just can't for our country, Seawan Johnson,
I'd love America wedding. I'm getting really hot. You're basically
(02:11):
an American five layers on right now. I know I
have a lot of clothes on. What would you want
to try to win an Olympic medal for Krista zero
talent so I don't know, I don't qualify for anything,
but like I ran across country because I'm not coordinated,
so I was like I could and I definitely knew
I wouldn't be first, so I wasn't like I had
(02:31):
to like figure out where the track was or the
trail was. I just was like, cool, I'll definitely just
follow this group of girls and jog it out for
a while. But like, okay, let's let's do this since
we're all moms. It's the mom Olympics. What would you
win the gold medal in pack and play up and down? Katherine,
don't give me that glare. She's like, that's hard. I
am the packing play up and down champion. Didn't really
(02:54):
I've actually said there should be mom Olympics, and I
was like, I would dominate it. I don't know how
to put a pack and play because there's something the
thing that you pull always confuses me. So that's where
I message, But I still forget it every time. That's well,
I just really traualed with those babies so many times
that it was like there was times where you just
had to what would you fail at in the Olympics?
(03:15):
Everything else? I think any of us would be gold
medalists or a solid bronze at one handed life? Oh yeah,
for sure, hold the baby do everything with one hand.
Yeah yeah, I feel like I don't know. I feel
like all of our husbands that are really like they're well,
I mean yours is on the road a lot. That's
the only thing. It was like, are helpful? No, I
(03:41):
just your husband Kristen is married to Um Preston from
Low Cash and he's on the road a lot. So
I apologize for that comment. No, I didn't know where
you're going with that. And we said all of our husbands,
I'm like, no, they're just they're they're they're good. They're
great dads, that's the thing they are. Preston's actually, he
really is an awesome dad. He's just not home a lot,
but he's did That's where Yeah, that's where you go
(04:02):
with that, And I get that, and I'm sorry, but
I love you. It's amazing. He's an amazing dad. Yeah. Okay,
so okay, what would you get your I know, i'd
like your fifth metal from six, six or seventh. Um,
I wish that would be great. I don't have that many. Okay,
what would you win the Olympics? I'm still figuring it out. Um,
(04:27):
you're like I figured out the like the wrap thing,
which no, the like to wear a baby? I don't know.
YouTube there was like an action Well, I mean it's
kind of over now jayss like everyone's in her house,
(04:47):
So that doesn't mean who's wearing too. I'm not lying.
I went to a movie the other day in which
a woman, um, you don't remember I think, I said maybe,
but it was actually some sort of event. I don't
remember where. I just let her tell that baby just
came out. That baby just came out, and none of
us knew where we were. But I saw a woman
(05:12):
wearing a child and the front carry the little kid
had to have been seven years old. Stop like it was.
This boy was tiptoeing. The kid was wearing jeans, like
real jeans, not baby jeans, and I she was as
tall as the mom. It was disturbing. It wasn't one
(05:34):
of the raps or was it one of the because
I can get the what are those things called? The
yea are easy because it's a click on the top
of click on the back. I mean, this kid had
been fafty found, so it wasn't. It was a heavy
duty one. But that's crazy on the front, wearing on
the front. It was too much. I actually got one
of those. Foe looked like I did the organic rap.
(05:58):
You know how you're doing the all one piece rap. Right.
See that's what's so because it was so like it
just looks so cool and back She's just like she
wears it so few, it's so heavy and like a door.
I'm like, I tried so hard and it just I
mean because like the ergo babies are too long, like
(06:21):
my ways to my face. So when he carries you exactly, yeah, okay, okay,
And then what would you I mean, you're still learning? What? What? What?
No sounds failing? What are we what are you struggling with?
I would actually the only person that can feed our
(06:42):
child for some reason is my husband. Well, I mean
that sounds weird because but go ahead and clarify, I'm
following stress feeding our child. Um no, um, she just
for some reason gets really fussy when I feed her
with a bottle. And because she wants your addition, she
can smell the boob because you're pumping, so she can
(07:04):
smell that you have the note, So she only wants
your boob. That makes sense, But the man can say
saying that from a formal mom, But that's what I've heard.
She's getting breast milk in a bottle, but she wants
it from you everywhere trillion nipples and I'm leaking all
over her as I'm feeding her with a bottle, and
(07:26):
it's a hot mess. Gold medal, Gold medal. I was
really good at putting babies on a schedule. It was
really really good at that. It would be maybe a bronze,
but I'm talking gold baby. Let's go for the Sean
John that. It was really good at formula. It was
(07:52):
really good to give it my baby's formula. Not breastfeeding.
I love that that You're just I loved it, and
I think because of you, I didn't feel bad in
the fitting that I can help you. He did. I
did for a while, but I had a lot of
guilt around that sadness. Actually, I hate that for I tried.
I hate that for people. I just want them to
just let it go. So guilt you for it. I
(08:14):
know it's ridiculous. I tried breastfeeding and I couldn't. And
to me, well, here's the thing, like when you say
you couldn't, because I remember saying I couldn't either, and
they're like, there's these people, these they can come over
and help you, and it's just like no, I had her,
I had everything. I did it all and I just
I couldn't pretty. Some people just don't want to or
(08:34):
can't just revolve around that all the time. Some people
got to go to work and can't pump every There's
so many reasons, so the thought, why do you care?
Like I remember when Jason was I want to get
back to your metals. But it's a really good topic.
I remember when jas Because I didn't, I tried breastfeeding
with Jolia, and honestly, I'm gonna be really honest, here's
my mom truth. I didn't want a breastfeed. I had
(08:55):
no desire. I didn't I wasn't breastfeed, you know. I
I just for some reason, I didn't feel like I
had to have that connection with the baby. I'm personally
I like my nipples being touched. I don't like it.
I don't want someone sucking on him. I just sorry.
There's a guy here and he's like, cong sorry tim
um No. But I just I personally didn't want to,
(09:15):
but it was really important to Mike, So I said, okay,
I'm gonna try. And you know, my milk didn't come in,
and then they wanted me to supplement, and then they
wanted me to pump, and it was so stressful, and
I was just like crying and I was like, oh
my gosh, my baby lost even more weight than she
should have. And then my milk eventually came in, but
we already made decision to formula feed, and I just
(09:37):
remember getting just like so much shame and so much hate. Luckily,
Catherine was just like, oh no, She's like when I
have Ramsay, I'm walking in with my formula into the hospital.
And so that's what I did with Jason, and I'll
never forget he got sick. He got rs V when
he was just like a couple of weeks old, and
everyone was just like, breast his best, this is how
he's not gonna get sick. And I'm like, oh my god,
they're right, Like I'm if my kid ends up getting worse,
(09:58):
it's because of me because I didn't breast feed. And
so I had two of my girlfriends come over and
they're trying to because my boobs still had the milk
in them and that they were just so engorged and
just gross. So they had the pump on me and
I literally have my friend Ashley and Julie massaging my
breast to try to get milk out. And I'm just bawling.
And then we're trying to like get Ja's to like
(10:18):
connect to my nipple, and you know, I don't know
how to do it because I never breastfeed, so I
was like, I didn't know how to latch it and
how to do all these things. And I'm just like
bawling and they're trying to help me, and Mike walks
in the room is like, why are you doing this
to yourself? And I was like, because I have to,
because everyone says that he's gonna get worse if I
don't breastfeed. And he's like, you called the nurse and
they said it doesn't matter. They're going to be healthy
one way or the other, whether you give them formula
(10:39):
or or the breast milk. It's it's just like but
then this other person says, no, they're not because breast
It is just I just can't listen to its talking,
like honestly, so many opinions, and it's like in my life,
like I had a husband who did two shows the
year our daughter was born, Like I didn't. I needed
(11:00):
everyone fed and just doing the best they could. I
didn't and need the extra pressure of and I tried
for seven weeks to feed her, and I could not
do it. I mean, I had the milk Ninja. They
call her in Nashville and air quotes the milk Ninja.
She came, she gave me the cookie, she gave me
the tea. I did all the things. I recruited some
woman I didn't even know, who's so sweet songwriter, who
my husband knew. I mean, I was just grabbing any
(11:22):
resource and it just wasn't working for us. And I
had so much guilt around it that I think that
added to the postpartum depression. So I think that does
a lot. I think that is one of the biggest
contributing factors uh trouble breastfeed, the guilt around it and
postpartum or breastfeeding and not getting any sleep. I will
(11:42):
say that's a lot to people that do breastfeed successfully
but get up a lot at night and they're the
only ones feeding them, so the husbands are not helping,
You're not getting any sleep. I think that contributes. And
then my guilt was similar, but again completely different. I
had milk, I was like overproducing again, bathing my child
and restam another gold medal, but she wouldn't latch and
(12:04):
that's why I had people coming in lactation specialists saying, oh,
she needs surgery, she needs this, and for like lip
tied and all this crap. And I was like, she's
not tongue tied, she's not lip tied. I've had specialists
look like she's fine, and again they're massaging your boobs
and you're being I mean, you feel just I mean,
(12:25):
it's just a very it's a lot, yeah, not modest experience.
And she's also not human being, so I mean at
some point you're like, okay, I do have feelings. And
I remember sitting in you know, the rocking chair, and
I'm bawling and she's bawling and she's hungry and she's
not eating and she's not latching, and I'm just like,
give her the freaking bottle. And then people guilty about
(12:47):
the bottle and I'm like, are you kidding me? I
can't I do that now at the hospital. So like
with my last one, my milk comes in really fast.
You know, I only pumped with one of them, really,
but my milk had come in. She was latching, so
I thought she was getting she was starving. She was
like not getting any she had lost so much weight.
I asked him to bring me a pump because I
(13:08):
was ngorged in the hospital, and of course they didn't
want to bring me a pump. I forced them to
bring me a pump. When they brought me a pump,
I pump for twenty minutes and nothing would come out
of my boobs and I was in gorge and exactly
and everyone looked at me like that and they go interesting.
I was like, great, while my baby screaming, and I'm like,
so do we want to do anything about this? Clearly
she hasn't been eating for the last three days. I
(13:28):
think setting out of my boobs. Had a non mom
nurse in the hospital when I had legend the last
baby for anybody that's new, and she's a non mom nurse,
and she guilted me. Oh. I was like, I wanted
to pump. I wanted formula, and like, we need to feed.
I was just going to release a little bit and
then but then when nothing came out, yeah, but I
was like, oh, great, I brought sports brawls. I'm good
(13:50):
to go. I did this with my first baby. I
didn't even like give me sports brawls to bring me
formula She's like, no, let's keep keep trying. What do
you want to get some milk out of here? You know?
And so finally I just yelled at him. But I
don't like how hospitals are so like making everybody feel
so guilty these days. I don't like it at all.
Well that and like what you said about because I
know you had really bad postpartum. Did you have postprim depression?
(14:12):
I mean I think I think everyone does, like the
first couple of weeks everything, Yeah, yeah, but it's just
it is the comments and stuff, and I mean, I know, Sehn,
you've had kind of you can't even say. You don't
have to be so careful of things you say because
it's like you can't even say we want a healthy
baby because when people attacked then it's just it's so great.
You literally cannot say anything without people attacking you. And
(14:33):
it's like breast bottle formula. I mean I walked in,
I remember we walked into to meet your beautiful baby,
and I was just like, hey, you should get a
baby breeze. That formulas great, like not stress. He made
me feel really good because like, okay, but yeah, I mean,
there's just so much guilty on every single decision you
ever make as a mom. And I'm sure we're going
(14:53):
to get some comments, you know, on this, and you
know it's not it's not even like it's just we
all just do our own thing and support and say, hey,
I'm sorry that didn't work for you, but you're doing
the best that you can. I mean, literally, you have
four moms in a room that are just all they
want is is to raise a healthy, good baby the
best they can, like mentally, physically. It's like that should
(15:14):
always be enough to me. Absolutely, I agree. Let's take
a break. I forgot you didn't say what you did
worse with mom the word the gold medal. We're there again.
So my gold medal was just on a schedule, schedule
(15:36):
and breastfeeding, which got us off on the total team. Sorry, well,
well you can look at that either as a gold
medal or failing formula all the formula. I yell, I
can yell? Are you yellow? I am a yeller? I
can I can lose my well, which is good because
we're gonna be talking to Carla later. She wrote a
book How a Lot, How to Not Lose your with
(15:59):
your kids, which, okay, there's that, but Also, I think
there's something and I always kind of want to do
a segment on this on the show. Just a true mom,
like a mom truth or a mom what's the thing
called like when you um come and help me out
here where it's like would say like fail, no, like
a mom's secret or it's like I really wanted to confession,
(16:22):
like a mom confessions confession, but it's like it's so bad,
you know what I mean that? Like, but other mom
would relate to Does anyone have a mom confession? Yeah,
but we'll well, we'll just we'll meet you there. Let
us be vulnerable to meet you there. All the women,
(16:47):
all the mom haters out there, they're they're gonna come
Confortunately someone gave birth to them. Okay, I'll start with
like a simple one. Okay, okay, so I pump for
every single feeding. Are you gonna do formula? Um? I started? Yeah, okay, yeah,
I good, good for you. Formula so that you go
(17:11):
battlists can make us feel like, actually have some formula
samples in our bag right now to give you she
actually does. Um. So I have supplemented with formula and
I plan on some point, but since I am producing
at the moment. I'm just kind of like whatever. I
(17:32):
had to pump on the plane for the first time
the other day, so that was a humbling experience. Um
so that made me not want to pump anymore. Well,
when you're ready to drop, but some cold cabbage on
your boobs works, like just don yeah, I know, that's
that's what killed me. Cold cabbage in a tight sports
p will lock those bad boys up. Um okay, So
I'll start with the tame one. I mean, this could
be team or not. I don't know, but they like
(17:54):
people guilt you into like you gotta wash everything, you
gotta do it in whatever whatever. Um, I can't tell
you the last time I've cleaned pump hearts. It's that bad. No,
I'm not gonna let anybody feel bad, you see me.
I'm like, nope, absolutely not. I mean that's terrible. That's
(18:15):
my first one. That's good. Have you like rented out
with water? Janna's judging wondered what that to? Have you
have you thought about it? I'm just the voice for
the listeners, So I'm just gonna like I'm just doing Yes,
I use it. I rented out with really hot water.
(18:37):
Then she's not okay, what's the bad one? I come on, Okay, okay,
we got to come up with that mouse. Okay, Kristen, Yeah,
mind some more recent and so embarrassing. I don't share it.
I don't even get to poop by myself. So you guys,
(19:01):
this is such mom like we have toddlers. This is
so embarrassing. I can't believe this is the most recent
one I can think of, because I feel like the
baby days I was since such a fog. Anyways, the
other day, everyone kept coming into the bathroom and my
husband's on the road, and I was just like, I
just got the bathroom in peace. So I made them
(19:21):
all go outside. I only have too, but it feels
like there's fifty when they're all engaging. So I made
them go to the outside the back. I like push
them out of the half bath and shut the door
and I locked it, which just really threw them both
for like it's very abandoned. And then I was like,
how am I supposed to even enjoy being in here
by myself if you're both crying outside of the door.
(19:41):
And I felt like it was a hostage situation. So
I turned to Peekaboo Barn on my cell phone and
I triple keyed it, you know, to put it under
child lock, and I slid it under the door like
it you know, you like triple click to get it
on like guided access, so they can't get into any
part of your phone other than what a is open. Okay,
(20:03):
it's actually an iPhone thing. It's not like an extra
app or anything. Guided access is what it's called interesting
and you can do it on any app you're in
you just like I think it's the side key. You
just triple click it and it puts you in. You
have to have a passco to get out of it anyway,
so I triple not seem like a fail. Okay, great,
I slid it under like it was a hostage negotiation,
(20:25):
and I heard, okay, I need you, I need you,
I need because I'm not saying this is just my
screen time here with even so that I could just okay, well,
I just admitted to giving my child bacteria filled milk.
(20:48):
All right, I'm gonna get I'm gonna get. Give me
time time, Christie. If you don't want to do that,
do you like a mom confession where it's like, sometimes
I wish that my child would be beep beep. I'm
gonna have you guys. I have them. I did a
lot of days alone, like Jannah knows, I didn't. We
don't have like a nanny. We didn't have a night
nurse at all with the first one. I had a
(21:08):
night nurse for sixteen nights with the second one. So
there's certainly some dark times. I just need to dig
for a minute. I just it was a moment I
wasn't proud of when I slid the ransom under the
doors so that I could poop alone in peace. Catherine,
I know I have. I just got to think about it,
not even like something that's happened, like just like sometimes
(21:29):
I wish or sometimes I think my daughter is annoying,
or sometimes I missed the days where I used to
sit in my apartment and date myself and watch two
movies back to back and order pad tie and open
a bottle of wine at the very beginning of the
first movie and order pad tied before the second one. Kristen,
do miss it? I miss alone time? Oh? Yeah? Alone
(21:49):
time for sure. I mean not in like I mean
not in a way where I'm like I wish this
would all go away, But I definitely and then I
feel guilty because I missed those days. Sure well here
and that's the problem too, because for everything that and
you know you've gone through we'll shoot you guys. Both
Catherine didn't gone through a miscarriage, have you? So? Okay?
So Sean and Krison have both gone through miscarriages, as
(22:11):
I have as well. But we can't say that because
then people say, but you should be so grateful, like
you have a kid. So that's another thing where it's
like it's very hard to but I feel so we're
entitled to that. Like, yes, I too would like to
poop alone and not have Jay's pounding on the door
and Julie asking me questions. Absolutely, I would love to
lay about all day and watch a walk to you know,
(22:32):
walk to remember, and a walk in the clouds and
anything else with the walk to do whatever I want
and whatever. Yeah, but you also then if you say that,
then you get crapped for that. Yeah. Well, if you're
in the arena, you gotta play big. If you're in
the arena, they tear you down. Do anything, keV. I mean,
I know I have stuff, Sean, just say it that
(22:55):
I have so many there has to be come on,
I mean, what are you feeding my newborn bacteria filled milk?
So it's pretty bad, all right, well that I need
my kids like lucky charms. Isn't your milk like the
cleanest thing, more leaning than that? Yeah, but I guess
I'm just I wouldn't worry. I love our two side conversations.
Y'all are talking about the milk being you know, clean,
(23:19):
But then Katherine's like, I need my kids lucky charm.
You never feed your kids that, And I was like,
I could fettle more lenient. Yeah, Like we go in
the beach trip and it's like, oh, we got lucky
charms for exciting like playing. I'm like, my kids get
it all the time, but fine, totally respect, you know whatever.
And I'm like, what marshmallows. I was like, oh, dear God,
here hoss avocados coming right? You know? I was like,
(23:42):
who wants blueberries and scrambled eggs? I know, no, but
I am getting I am getting way better with that
because just the other day, Julie asked for cereal all
the time for dinner, and all the time I'm like, no, no, no,
no no. And finally, in the past couple of nights,
I'm like, yes, fine, what do you want which one? Yeah?
(24:03):
Good for you. Yeah, we had a lot of rules.
I felt like growing up with that kind of stuff,
and so I think that's why I don't have a
lot of I'm not a huge agreed. There's a happy medium.
We're just good at balancing. I will let them have junk,
but they will have fruit with every meal. Listen, dinner,
they'll have a fruit vegetable. But I'll let you know.
(24:23):
I don't care if clean. But then also love orders
talk about with me on DoorDash. So see, I'm all
about some balance. Yeah, you need it. She says, I
need a taco without the salad, so she's even taking
off anything green that comes with taco. About. Yeah. Here's
the thing though that I dip do with Jolie is
(24:44):
I have to She has to make a happy play
in order to get a snack, so happy plate means
she has to finish her meal, her dinner before she
can get chocolate or a cookie. I usually do that.
I mean, there are times I will break the rule,
but in general, yes, I can't go completely rogue. Guys
are looking to us for some sort of guidance. You can't,
I mean, but then like your kids get older and
(25:07):
it's like, I'm not going to tell them they can't
go get a snack like I go to school now,
you know. And it's like so it changes as they
get older a little bit too. Well. It's funny because
that year I was just at Katherine's, her daughter's what
how old is she? Eight? Hate year old? Party, and
they were sprite there and Julie's wants and I was like, no,
Julie can't have it, and she's like, you know, starts
her litt temper. I was like, you're not fine. You've
(25:28):
never tried it before I try it, so I feel
like she hated it, but she usually the case that's good. Yeah,
I was like, all right, my kids, with all of us,
actually we think we want something and then we have
it and we're like, my kids didn't have soft drinks
to relate, I mean, minus like my in law is
giving it to him when I don't know. But now
occasionally I'll let them have like a dr pepper or coke. Conession,
(25:51):
I'm like the cleanest human on the planet. This is
a good confession. Sparked by your soda talk pop. If
you're in the North, I am clean, clean, like gluten
raw like I don't eat meat, the kids don't eat meat.
Pressing is a redneck, so he eats meat when he's
not at home. But when I was growing love Bug
in my belly, I had a fountain soda a day.
(26:14):
I could not get enough. I couldn't get enough of it,
and Pressing kept saying, you're feeding our baby rat poison sugar.
And I was like, lay off me at like the
sonic time. So there's one. I mean, like she honestly
her blood type could be a positive and diet PEPSI.
I drank a coke slurpee every single day with Jay's
all right, I'm gonna seven eleven. Your confession suck. I
(26:37):
always drink it, trying so hard. The dark days I forget,
but that days. Oh before we take a break because
actually we probably talked to her next because I think
we're on the right track here. How did I lose
your with your kids? Um? We're gonna have carlin Naumberg
on the phone with us next. Okay, I'm really excited
(27:04):
about this because obviously I have my girls here, but
we are getting get on the phone with Carla um
In her book, I'll never forget. It came to me.
I think it was like in UM some like gift
box or whatever, but it was how did not lose
your with your kids? And I was like, I love
this title so much. So we have around the phone
right now, Carla, I'm glad to be here. UM, thank
(27:28):
you for just being honest, because I feel like a
lot of times people are like, they don't we lose our?
But how do you not lose your? That's the thing. Oh,
we all lose our. I still lose my. I just
do it less than I used to, and when it
still happens, I can recover a lot more quickly than
I did before. But let's be clear, we're all losing it, right,
(27:50):
But like, what's the first step in taking that to
not like is it to take a breath as it
to walk away? I need to read it because I
still have it's sitting on my sitting on my side table,
and it's just it's almost like I just have to
keep looking at it to be like, okay, breathe, But
what like I'm gonna open it. I promise I will,
But what's the first step in that? I think the
first step is to understand what's causing our ship loss right.
(28:15):
And we may think it's because our kids are being
obnoxious or unreasonable or unpredictable, and well, that's true. Sometimes
I would argue it's that because we parents get triggered.
Something happens in our life, whether it's something about a
mortgage payment or a flat tire or bad news from
the principle or whatever it is, and our buttons, and
(28:36):
we all have the buttons, get big and bright and
super sensitive when we are triggered. And then our kids
come along and as any parent who is spanking big man,
so the kid will tell you. Kids see a button
and they want to push it. So when we parents
are triggered, we've got these super pushable buttons, and our
kids are like, I'm going for it. I'm spicking my
finger out, I'm pushing that button, because that's what you do.
(28:58):
And so the first step up is to start to
notice when we parents are triggered and know how to
take care of ourselves so that when our kids behave
in problematic, annoying, and predictable whatever ways, our buttons aren't pushed.
We can be cool and stay calm and roll with it.
Because any parenting book that tells you that the secret
to not losing your is to get your kids to
(29:19):
behave well all the time. Well, I don't know. No,
I don't think that's ever going to happen. If I
had the secret to that, I don't know, I'd be
hanging out with Oprah my private Islanderson. Why are you
shaking your head? Because no kid is going to behave
well all the time. I mean that's likely appropriate. No,
I don't actually want them to, because then I'll feel
like they're better than me. Who's raising who? I mean?
(29:43):
If they lose there and I lose my, then at
least we're all being human. Make you feel better about yourself. Yeah,
you're all losing it together. That's right. My four year
old already kind of acts like she should be a parent.
So if she was like always well put together and
in a tiny business suit and life, I think I
would probably feel like there's no need for me and
I could just roll out. Is that a thing, though?
(30:06):
Is it is that important to not have the kid
be the parent in that situation? Absolutely? Look, kids need
to be kids, and when kids become parents, they don't
They don't get a chance to have fun and make
mistakes and feel their feelings and do all those things.
So absolutely, I mean, letting our kids be kids is
one of the greatest gifts we can give them. And
(30:27):
I frequently say to my older daughter who wants to
be the parents, She's like, I think she's ready, she's
eleven years old. I say to her, Hey, I got this.
I'm the parent. I'll take care of this for you. Now.
She doesn't always believe me, but we'll get there. How
is like, what do you say when you Because there's
a lot of times when I've talked to Jolie and
I've gone in the room and I know I did
(30:47):
it wrong. Is there something that I should say? Like
should I go and apologize for for me losing it? Oh? Absolutely?
And here's how I do it. And I've had a
lot of practice with this. One is I'll go in
and I'll say I'm sorry I yelled at you. I
shouldn't yelled at you. That wasn't the right way to
handle it. And look, the trick to apologizing, well, there's
two tricks. One is wait till you're calm. If you're
(31:08):
still all triggered and piste off, what's gonna happen is
you're gonna go in there and apologize to your child,
and you're gonna expect them to be like, it's who came,
mom me, I love you, I'm sorry too, this was
all my fault. And instead they're gonna like grumble at you,
or be like, yeah, you should be yelled at me,
or maybe they're just gonna ignore you. And because you're
still triggered, you're gonna find that behavior annoying and you're
gonna lose your again. So you gotta wait till you're calm,
(31:31):
so that even if the kid doesn't give you this
awesome response that you want, you can still stay calm
and not lose it. And the other thing is that
you never have to apologize for how you feel. You
don't have to say I'm sorry, I was mad. There's
nothing wrong with being mad, and I want adults to
know that, and I really want kids to know that
there's nothing wrong with being mad or piste off or
frustrated or confused or anxious or any of it. I mean,
(31:53):
it doesn't feel good, but there's nothing wrong with it.
So we apologize for our behavior, right, I'm sorry yelled
at you, I'm sorry I slammed the door, and then
after we've sort of reconnected, there may need to be
another conversation like, hey, buddy, I'm sorry I locked it,
but I asked you to put on your shoes eighty
seven times and I got frustrated. And then you can
talk about strategies for getting those shoes on, which is,
(32:15):
you know, the challenge of a lifetime. Well and then
you also have a thing too with like how to
make bedtime easier, because I feel like that's been my
biggest struggle. I mean, what Katherine you're over last night, Julie,
I mean she got up five million times. I have
to pee, I want milk, I want water, I have
to go to the bathroom again. I'm scared in my room.
I need my unicorn, I need my But it's like, Jolie,
please go back to bed, Julie, please go And then
I wanted to scream, Jolie, go back to freaking you
(32:36):
know what I mean, Like, it's got so frustrating because
it's two hours of it. So I'm like, what do
what do I say to? You know, she's going to
be four in like a few weeks, so love to
that old This is a tough age, By the way,
I would argue that three and a half to more
and a half is the hardest age. A m It
gets better. I promise it will get better. But what
(32:59):
you can finally say you were is you can say, hey, kiddo,
I am tired. If you get up again, there is
a chance I'm gonna lose it with you because I'm
getting too tired and I can't. I need to go
to bed. And so if you come down again, there
is a chance I'm gonna yell at you because I'm
so frustrated, and I just want you to know that,
and I say things like that's my kids. I'll say
to them, you know what, my buttons are all pushed.
(33:20):
I'm gonna go in the other room taking deep breath,
and if you follow me, I will probably yell at you.
So I need you to know that. And sometimes they
give me some space, and sometimes they come in after
me and guess what, I lose it because I got
no band with left. Is it okay to yell? Is
it okay to yell? Yeah? Of course we all do it.
Sometimes the question is, well, it depends is so first
(33:42):
of all, is this the dominant dynamic in your relationship
with your child? If you're yelling at the constantly, that's
not awesome, right, It doesn't feel good for you, it
doesn't feel good for them. And if you're yelling at
them about sort of confusing and unpredictable things in ways
that feel disproportionate, like if they spill their milk, and
maybe when you know you were a kid, your parents
just would absolutely explode, like ethically when you spilled your milk.
(34:05):
And so now you see spilled milk in your body's like, oh,
I know what to do in the situation, I lose
my And if you like explode like crazy town over
spilled milk, that's confusing for a child. You know they're
gonna be like, oh, I must have done something crazy
wrong because mom just exploded. There is something wrong with me.
But you know, let's talk about the shoes thing, because
(34:26):
I don't know about you, but in my family, this
is like the ongoing struggle, even though we do it
every freaking day, somehow it takes a million years to
get our shoes on every morning. My daughter like eighteen
times put on your shoes, till on your shoes, put
on your shoes, and she doesn't, and then I yell
at her that's pretty predictable. Like she she knew that
was coming. I should have maybe slowed down and got,
(34:46):
you know, down on her level and said, let's go
put on your shoes. What's your strategy for doing it
and talked her through it. But mornings are busy. I
don't always do that, and so that's a pretty predictable outcome,
and she can say, internal, Oh, the reason mom yelled
at me is let me put my shoes on. So
some of the questions you might want to ask yourself
is how often are you exploding at your kids? And
(35:08):
how intensely is it and is it proportionate to what's
actually going on? That makes a lot of sense. It's
so hard though, I think a lot of times for me,
it's not. I'm not They're like the straw that broke
the camel's back for me, So it will be like
a million other adult things and then it will just
be like the one thing that they do and I don't.
We're not really a yelling household. I grew up in
(35:29):
a super yelling household, so I'm very like conscious of
how we parent, and it's pretty calm most of the time.
But and I'm not saying it's like perfect, it's just calm,
like we just don't rage out, you know, Um, but
I do. I don't know, Like I I feel like
it's usually like if I'm upset with my husband or
he's done something that's bothered me, and then they don't
(35:50):
put their shoes on or whatever, then I'm like, ah,
you know, like it's it's that's there. Unfortunately, I'm just
like outing myself. It sound like the worst mom ever.
You're no, you're being real, and I appreciate because yeah,
it's like sound like me and every other mom. I mean,
I would argue that is the most common reason we
lose it with our kids. Sometimes it's because they've done
(36:12):
something so ethically annoying or problematic that we have no
coping skills left. But more often than not, it's because
we're exhausted, we're pistol our parenting partners, some other mom
on the playground, some made some weird, snarky comment and
we can't stop thinking about it. We heard something horrible
on the news, which hello, that's constant these days. So
we're triggered and we have literally nothing left. Yeah, I'm
(36:32):
more annoyed with the adult children in my life than
I am the children children in my life, so our
buttons are huge and bright and red and super sensitive.
And sometimes my buttons get so big that my kid
even walks in the room and I'm like, get out.
And so you know, our job in that case is
to be the grown up to notice that we are
(36:53):
triggered like crazy. And then we've got a few options.
You can say to your kid, I'm having a really
hard day, like, let's try to be a team and
work together and just take it easy on each other
because I don't have a lot of like, I don't
have a lot of energy left. And obviously you change
the language depending on how old they kid is. And
some things we get home and I'm like, yay, tonight
is special eating dinner in front of the TV night
because mom got nothing left to give you. And so
(37:16):
I say those nights for mac and cheese in front
of the TV for when I need them, not to
when the kids meet them, but when I'm like, I
literally need you to not engage with me because I'm
so wiped out. And that's that's just being honest about
what I have in that moment, right and so, and
they think it's amazing. They think it's like a party. Meanwhile,
I'm stewing and like plotting my husband's death. But you're
(37:37):
like happily friends over here watching TV and it's great.
What's the problem? Eat your macaroni. I'm figuring out how
to hide up, how how to hide the body? I
love you? There you go. Yeah, But I guess that
leads to the you know, the grand old point right there.
I mean, that's most of it is because of you know,
(37:57):
the something's bothering you from work or your spouse or
and I feel bad that our kids take the brunt
of of that. I really think the most important thing
is having that conversation. I can't tell you how many
times I've lost my and then gone back and apologized
when I'm calm, like she said, had the conversation, and
they're like, it's okay, mommy, like you know, and just explain.
I do that at night too. I'm like, I am tired.
(38:19):
I need you to go to sleep because I am
really tired, and I'm about I do all of those things,
and it makes a huge difference, especially as they get
older they can understand it. It helps a lot and
just notice things that we're about to lose it because
a lot of us walk around triggered like crazy all
day long. Our shoulders are up by our ears, were
taking these deep breaths, you know, we're having these piste
off thoughts in our mind and we don't even notice it.
(38:41):
And so when you can start to realize, oh, I'm
in a not great place right now, and I need
to take ten deep breaths to go for walk around
the block, or sit and just drop my shoulders or
whatever it is to kind of calm down. That makes
a huge difference. Chris, and what we're you gonna say,
I was gonna say, for a bedtime for us NAPTI
in bedtime, we're failing miserably at bedtime or we're super succeeding,
(39:04):
depending on how granola you are. I'm either the co
sleep champion or I'm like them in your own bed
like failure. So um, but like for naptime, she doesn't
like to she doesn't like to lay down, and she's
she's about to be four on Sunday and I can't
even say that barely without crying. So um, I just
now tell her if she's awake in five minutes, she
(39:25):
can get back up and watch TV because I know
she's not going to do it. She also doesn't know
what five minutes is, so it's awesome because she'd be like,
is it five minutes yet? And I'm like, nope, you
gotta close your eyes. If you're still awake in five minutes,
then we can watch TV. And then that she just
never makes it. They're exhausted, so they don't know yet.
Take advantage friends. We haven't educated them on the power
of a minute. You have a baby, so it's like,
(39:48):
what's your any questions for Carla? The fact that you know,
have you lost your stuff on your sweet innocent little baby?
You're sweet little baby? Does I think I take all
my baby frustration out of my husband. Nfortunately, just because
you can't really talk to and to two month old
Ayah and be like, why are you crying? Although we
have actually yeah, like I don't know what you want.
(40:12):
I don't know what you need for me. I need
you to stop crying. I'm gonna go take it out
to my husband now, and then I'm gonna find my
husband argue with him for no reason whatsoever. YEA sounds
about sounds about the game, right, Carla? About four or
four Carla what's the one thing that you wish that
you would have known, you know from the very beginning
with your parenting style, and um, just yeah, something that
(40:35):
would have just kept you a little peaceful with this journey.
I wish I had understood that for me and for
almost everyone's, sleep is non negotiable and when you're not sleeping,
you cannot parent well and you have to cut yourself
a whole lot of slack. I was, you can't do anything.
And I was losing my shop with my husband. I
was losing my shop with myself. I was. I mean,
(40:57):
it was a mess. My anxiety exploded. It was all
because I was sleeping. But I thought I had to
be some like super mom and power through. And really,
what I should have been saying to myself is this
is a stage. We'll get through it. And like today,
my goal is to get like, keep my kid alive,
keep my help alive, and get through with the bare
minimum of what needs to happen. Carla, where can our
listeners find you? So? Um? The book is called How
(41:19):
to Stop Losing your with your Kids. It's available at
their local independent bookstore, on Amazon where the books are sold,
and on my website. Is Carla Namberg dot com. Yay um, Carla,
thank you so much for talking to us moms who
really appreciate it. And I feel like we just need
to all mamas out there and need to give yourself
a little bit of grace because we're doing just the
best that we can. Amen. Amen, from the depths of
(41:43):
my soul. Thank you, Carla, Thanks a lot. Bye. I
got a couple of emails. I wanna get y'all's input.
Okay from anonymous overly friendly neighbor? Wait what from anonymous? Oh?
(42:07):
Okay from anonymous about an overly friendly neighbor. Interesting, Christen,
did you write this? No, you would have had clarity
on the first sentence. So we moved into a new
neighborhood and we're having a few cocktails with the neighbor.
Her husband was at work. She out of the blue
asked my husband what what? I'm sorry, She out of
(42:30):
the blue asked my husband what kind of underwear he wears?
Then she looked him up and found what high school
he went to and that he has a football record.
So now I have no interest in the girl, and
my husband thinks I'm being ridiculous. I don't trust her.
I trust my husband, but I can't be friends with her?
Do you agree? Strong agree? Yeah? Why that's weird. That's
(42:58):
a that's an aggressive like, that's weird question. It's nice
to meet you guys, Tidy whiteis or boxers? Yeah, I
mean if overly friendly, it's her putting it nicely. I
would have been like from anonymous, bitches crazy, you know
what I mean? Like, honestly, can you imagine looking up
what high school? It's not like she's saying her husband
(43:19):
played in the NFL or something and it's like, oh, well,
that's interesting. Let's see where I mean in high school? Yeah,
that's like faceboo this person. I just think it'd be
really weird if I went up to even Nick. I've
known Nick for how many years? Your husband, Catherine? I mean,
I would be like if I asked Nick what kind
of underwear he wears? And that's just so, and your
(43:41):
to your point is your high school team. It's just
like your high school. And she looked him up and
found what high school he went to and that he
has a football record. So now I have no interest
in the girl. And my husband thinks I'm being ridiculous.
I don't like that. Yeah, I don't. Why don't? Well,
and he probably loves the attemp doesn't think it's a
big deal. But but I hope he knows that, like,
(44:05):
that's weird, but it's also flattering for him. I wonder
if the rules were reversed and it was a guy
neighbor looking at her high school and and asking her
what kind of bra she wears, would he feel that way?
Probably not flip it. You should do that, bitches crazy,
So let's just not invite that neighbor over next time. Okay?
From Anonymous husbands and social media. I am married and
(44:28):
have been for a little over a year. My husband
and I were best friends for two years and then
dated for three before getting married. Knowing my husband for
so long, I knew every girl he had been with.
Everything was going fine until I noticed he was still
talking to his previous hook up friend. I talked about
it with him and he stopped from there, though I
was very suspicious because I had been due before. He
(44:49):
worked at a big city hospital during this time, and
I noticed that he filed a lot of his coworkers
and coworkers on social media. I didn't think it was
strange until I noticed that a lot of these coworkers
were nurses and that they tended to post certain posts
I was uncomfortable with. He also had these people on
Snapchat and still had his excess on his social media
as well. Eventually he just deleted social media social media
(45:11):
altogether because he would get so defensive when I brought
it up. What are your thoughts on this? Up to?
No good? Strong dislike social media sucks, whether it's innocent
or not. People blur lines every single day, every single day.
People are flirts by nature, and social media exaggerates it,
(45:35):
and there's no easy way to paint a black or
white line, so it makes it really complicated. And there's
no reason he should know what any if you went objective,
say there is no social media, he wouldn't know what
those nurses are doing on their downtime. So I don't
like the accessibility of knowing what they're up to. And
just in our marriage, what works for us. Please don't
(45:58):
write to Joanna. Um, it's just no girls. There's just
no girls. It can't it doesn't work. Well. It's Preston
told me when we met, guys and girls can't be friends.
And at first I was like, no way, and then
I started thinking about it, and he was like, to
name a guy friend you have that wouldn't make out
with you have given the choice, And I was like,
I yike. You know my husband said the same thing.
(46:19):
Girls and guys can't be friends. I mean I don't,
but I also just at this point have no interest
in wanting to engage with another dude period. I mean,
everything is very respectful, Like I don't. I don't have
Mike's number, I don't want Mike's number. I don't have
Nick's number. I didn't even save Preston's number under Preston
like when he had texted about your surprise party, Like
I don't, I don't. I don't know Andrew on there
(46:43):
just because he's like a brother to me. Yeah, but
I'm saying like I don't, but I wouldn't be even
in the inside jokes that we have from like our
game nights and stuff. I just text you guys about it,
you know, and just assume that you tell your husband's
like I don't, I don't know. Just my question though
about that, what're gonna say with social media too, it
takes away any of the guestswork, So like if you
(47:03):
follow any of your co workers on social media, you
go into work the next day knowing what they did
that night, what they drank, what they ate usually because
people always take a picture of it. I shake basic, Yes, exactly.
It takes away like the first couple of dates. I mean,
to be honest, it's it's like you've already gone on
a first date with someone, so you already know them
more than you should. It makes it really complicated. So
(47:26):
here's my question, because my husband isn't on social media,
because all of your husbands are, So do you do
you patrol or do you like? What if and Andrew
follows me? Does he now if you what if you
saw your husband? What if Nick's following a Victoria's Secret model?
(47:48):
What if Andrew is following a pretty girl? Like what
if Preston is following? You know? So it's like, what
what do you do that? Do you say? Can you
please and follow? Because that makes me uncomfortable? Or I know,
I mean, I know how it would makes me feel.
But also you know, luckily he's not on social media.
But still, I mean, I think it's safe to ask
that at any point. I think everyone has the right
to ask that if it makes them uncomfortable. I mean,
(48:10):
Nick does follow women on social media and he has
clients that are women, and I just but what if
they're like, fortunately, like bikini shots and stuff. I mean,
I haven't looked, but yeah, I would definitely say something
and say uncomfortable with it. I guess. I mean, I'm
my well you, I think you could ask anyone. I
(48:30):
think you could ask your significant other to and follow anyone.
But social media is not. I mean you can't censor it.
So whether you follow them or not, it's still accessible.
And does that I feel like it's just the world
we live in unfortunately, because if you go to a
bar without social media, someone's probably going to put moves
(48:54):
on your husband. It's going to happen, and vice versa.
That's just life and was social media, it's exaggerated. People
can do it every day in any way, shape or form,
whether it's intended or not. Just by posting a bikini shot,
they're basically putting a move on on everyone in the world.
And it's just your choice every single day to say, Okay,
(49:15):
you know what, you're going to see it. You're going
to have thoughts about it, just because it's the world
we live in. But at the end, of the day,
you have to make your choice of being integrity having
exactly like that. That's very well said. I mean, because
how many times on a daily basis are we seeing
something that our husband probably doesn't want us to be
looking at, whether it's a shortless sky or that's the thing,
(49:36):
I don't even intentionally look at it like I was.
I was just scrolling through. And I know exactly we're
talking about because on Instagram the other day, I was
just scrolling through and like I saw, like Tyler Cameron.
Yes he is a very attractive man, but I didn't
even like I have no, I don't want to look
at it. But that's the difference, because we're also annoyed
by many that were like I'm not spending my free
time looking at the differences. Is you still saw it,
(49:58):
but I did not mean with it. But you don't
know if he thought further about it, or if he
didn't think as I say, as women though are natural
instinct would be like you did think something about it,
even though and maybe they scrolled by it and stopped
for a second but kept going. We're going to say, oh,
but you stopped, whether you like I thought it was
(50:21):
something else, it's just how we're wired, and it's just
that active choice every day to be like, you know what,
he's choosing me. He's at home and I have to
trust him until something else happens and we'll take it
from there. It sucks. So if you ever do you
ever look to see? I tried. I'm a girl, of
(50:44):
course I look, But I honestly, every time I catch
myself getting within that vibe of I want to check
and I want to see and I want to patrol,
I try to get out of it as quickly as
possible because that's just a spiral waiting to happen. If
at the end of the day have to just trust.
And I know people always say, you know that's like
je sic your worst problem. It's like no, but it's
(51:05):
like trust problem. It's everyone. It's yeah, everyone has a
hard time trusting. I think that's just again because of society.
It's hard to so you question things a lot, but
the trust is still, you know, it's just hard. I
remember a girl posted one time, um being on the
bus with Preston not like in the front lounge. So
(51:26):
if you're a music person, you know, like front lounge
just kind of like living room, you know, and it's
not anything like they were like taking a selfie in
a bunk, because I would murder. But it was like I,
you know I did in my twenties, like just like
selfies just didn't care like I was just like I
was the worst. Anyways, continued, but I did say to him,
(51:47):
I mean it was okay. So she takes this picture, right,
she was like a singer opening up for them or something.
And and the guys are genuinely nice guys. They're not creepy,
they're just they are good guys. And they invited her
to come on with her dad and they all talked
and hung out. But I didn't see the dad, right,
I didn't know she was on the bus um. And
so I see this picture and she's like, oh my gosh,
(52:09):
the best guys ever had so much fun partying with you.
So instantly I'm like, who is she? When was this?
Why didn't you tell me how much partying? There's so
many pieces missing of it that it's so misleading. And
that's when you're like, this isn't like that's that's where
the trust too. That's the thing that information first that
(52:32):
he's going her dad was with her and this other dude.
So when I brought it up to him, this is
I just need to like sing his praises because there's
a lot of times where I don't, admittedly, but he like,
there's a no chick on the bus policy. Now that's
just that because he's like, okay, well, and I said
to him, I was like, if I'm feeling that way
and I can get to the bottom of it, like,
(52:54):
what does it look like? The perception is your party, guys,
and a girl can be on your bus, and that's
a lot of girls. They're doing that for that reaction,
of course, I mean, that's what they're doing. They want
the reaction of oh my god, you partied with them,
you know, And that's why it's just easier to just know. Well,
which kind of goes into this last email um from Anonymous.
(53:15):
His love triggers me trust has been broken in our marriage.
I think that's just that line is like right there
made me want to cry a little bit. We haven't
been to therapy yet, hope to, but has not been
a priority. We can't seem to move forward in rebuilding,
and I'm afraid it will be the end of us.
Not to say we don't both want to try. He's
putting an effort by being transparent, but I am having
(53:36):
a hard time with my part. How do you rebuild
trust when even his love is a trigger? Every time
he says he loves me, I'm reminded that if he
loved me, he wouldn't have caused me so much pain.
M hmm. For any of us qualified to answers, you
need a PhD. That's what I've always been trying to
(53:58):
like find though, because I a lot of people again,
I always they're like, you just need to trust or
or it's it's like it's so much that's not something
to say to anyone because like even in your situation,
like yes you trust Andrew, but you still might look
absolutely its social media and things, and it's like, how
do you rebild trust? I think it's just time. I
(54:18):
think it's time to time and a lot of a
lot of therapy, yes, a lot of proof and consistent,
rigorous honesty. And I think that's the changes is like
an absolute must. It's not just the time, it's action.
For me, like I can, I don't need words. I
grew up with a lot of like do as I say,
not as I do. Kind of mentality in our house,
(54:40):
parents wise, and so I have to zero interests and
like hearing anyone talk about how they're going to be
different and not do anything. Sure, well, I think the
hard time. The hard thing too is like you know,
even in the situation before, it's like you you give
them trust, but then they lie. So it's like that
situation just continues to make them not trustworthy because of
(55:02):
like Katherine said, the consistency and being rigorously honest. So, um,
there's something that UM I know has worked and we
learned from therapy is the rule. So you have twenty
four hours if you lie, to come back and say, hey,
you know what I messed up. That was a lie
And that shows change, That shows some honesty, that shows
(55:23):
a little growth. But I would say get into therapy
because it's worth it. I don't think you can do
it without therapy. You can't. Just I don't think you can.
It's too emotional. I don't think you can because I
think you need a third party kind of calling people
to the table and some accountability for some things, and
I think you can't do that with each other. I
just don't think you can. Are we all on the
(55:43):
same page. Yeah agree, guys, good episode. Yeah right, you're amazing.
We didn't get Shawn's big confession. Oh yeah again, bacteria
filled milk. There you go. It wasn't that. Um girls,
where can all the listeners and jew Christen At a
little bit fancy to spell it out, not like a rapper?
(56:08):
Um at? Shawn Johnson, Sean Johnson, nobody, Catherine just everyone
knows Catherine, Katherine Woodard? Is it Katherine V. Woodard? I
don't know. I love you girls, Thanks for hanging out
with me. It's really cool that we had a really fun,
like you know, girls, girls episode anytime. We've been talking
about this for too long. It was time we did.
(56:29):
It was time, um Stay tuned for next week.
Host
Jana Kramer
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