August 30, 2021 • 46 mins
Jana saw a photo of her ex with a new girl and doesn’t know how to feel. Luckily Chelsea Handler is here to give her the advice she desperately needs!
Chelsea had to completely change her relationship with her family after a terrible vacation. Find out how she made it happen with a carefully worded email!
And, Jana reveals when we might see her dating someone new!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Wine Down with Janet Kramer and I Heart Radio podcast.
I'm sorry, I'm like, I'm normally not a late person.
I'll just start like it gives me anxiety. And Katherine
and are very much the same where it's like I
have to be at least five minutes early to something,
but lately I've been so late getting on these and
(00:23):
I feel terrible because you know what my problem is is,
I'm I'm doing too much all in the day that
I don't have the kids. You're trying to Yeah, you
don't have the kids, your pack every second of the day.
I take advantage of your lack of responsibility. But I
have so much responsibility. But like, so what do you
what do you fill your days with? Oh? My god, therapy, lash, appointment.
(00:45):
I have to work out, I have an audition I
have to do today. I've got a meeting. Catherine and
I have a meeting. Um, I answer my email. I
haven't answered any of my emails because I've been running
around town doing therapy and this and like and so
I'm like, I feel like burnt out now now and
now it's like, okay, now I want to say breath.
(01:06):
And then there's idiots on the road, I'm like, no,
I start to get a little road rage. So you're
not one of those people it is late for things,
because I know, like this woman when I work with
on the morning show is always late, and she claims
it is not just being irresponsible, it's actually a characteristic
some people have that they don't understand time the way
(01:26):
other people understand time that I don't. That makes no
sense to me. I don't I agree with you, but
she claims this, and so I'm wondering if that's if
there is because we don't we all have these people
in our lives. They're always late for stuff. Is it
a trait or is it just blowing stuff off? See?
I find it very disrespectful personally, Like I feel like
(01:46):
I just disrespected y'all's time with me being late a
few of the times. And it really bothers me because
I I think that's a good trait to to be
respectful of people's time. So I'm someone's late, it's like, hey,
this is my time that you're not wasting. Oh yeah,
drives me crazy, right yeah. And I don't think I
could be with someone that's a late person, like it
(02:07):
would drive me crazy. I'd get really frustrated. Uh, it
does take some adjustments. But people, some people think that,
oh I need to be there at noon, it's a
ten minute drive. I need to leave at eleven fifty.
And it just doesn't work that way. There are too
many other factors in it. And you're only at the door,
and oh, I should go to the bathroom quick. I'll
(02:29):
let me grab a mask, or where are my sunglasses?
And suddenly you're late. Probably wasn't enough time anyway, people,
we are late. That was not enough time. It takes
you thirty minutes, not ten minutes. It drives me crazy.
I want to get back on this topic. But we
have a really special guest in the waiting room. Her
name is Her name is Chelsea Handler. I don't know
if any of you guys know her or not, but
we're gonna take a break and then we're going to
(02:50):
get her on. Hi. Hi, how are you fixing your hair?
You're so beautiful? Stunning girls are beautiful. How are you, Chelsea?
(03:15):
I'm good, I'm good. My voice is a little lot raspy.
I had a show this weekend and I lost it.
So that's a great way to kick off my tool.
Not being able to talk. We um. So I had
the privilege of being on your show. Was it five
years ago? Yeah? I think so. Do you know, I
just have to give a little little t on do
you remember what happened? So okay, So I'm obviously so
(03:38):
excited I was. I mean, you know, I'm a huge
fan of yours, and so I get asked to, you know,
come on your show. And this was at the time
when no one knew that my It was when no
one knew that Max and I were separated and he
was in rehab, and so you know, I'm trying to
like come on your show and like, you know, be
positive and you know, not like because I'm dying inside
right Like I'm I'm like literally want to cry and
(03:59):
then all remember and like my like you are like
a piece of my like divorce. Because the second I
get off stage from my public says pulls me into
the you know, the Chelsea Handler dressing room and she's like,
we need to talk. Do you remember the conversation. We
actually knew before you went out there. We just so
(04:20):
you didn't ruin. We already started dealing with it. It's fine,
but yeah, well you want to want what was the
conversation again because I like tried to block it out
of my right. I think it basically was when he
the story came out, yeah, that my husband was a
sex addict. So it was like that was breaking in
the chelse. I was like, you know, like I just
feel very bonded to you, even though you have no
(04:41):
idea the story. But well I do now, my god, Yeah,
we are bonded. I'm glad that I can facilitate a
breakup though part of one part of the memory of
a breakup, right, I mean, breakups are so hard. They're
so hard, but they're so good, you know what I
You mean, like breaking up when it has to happen,
(05:02):
it is so hard. But I always I remember reading
somewhere Gosh which book was it, where it was like,
you know, any time you're in a state like that,
when you feel like your heart is breaking, and instead
of that despair that we all feel all the time,
to welcome the pain, you know what I mean, Like
I remember reading welcome the pain. Welcome This is an
opportunity for growth, an opportunity for growth, And it's easy
(05:25):
to say, but it's harder to apply it to your life.
But when you are able to take a painful situation
and be like, there's a huge lesson here. This is okay.
I'm okay with the pain, I'm okay with the discomfort.
The sooner you absorb it, the sooner it passes through,
you know, is a good way for for people to
think about it, I think because that helped me a lot. No,
(05:45):
that's that's a really good advice, I think where it
was so last night I got a d M from
someone and was like, hey, not to trigger you, but
and I'm like, oh, here we go. Why why am
I going to continue to read this? But they sent
me photo of my ex husband with a new girl,
and it was the first time that I have seen
him with someone else. And like that's weird too, you know,
(06:08):
like to see like your person that you were you
thought you were going to spend the rest of your
life with now canoodling with like this cheek checka chica whatever.
And I'm like, it's like remembering that, like that person
wasn't good for you. But then it's that this is
all good. It's so it's so hard to even like, um,
(06:29):
you know, um, how do I say that? Like it's
it's hard to even tell yourself that too, because in
the moment, you're like, why wasn't I enough? You know,
how do how do you deal with that? Well? Again,
it's just like you know, it's it's it's again. It's
like welcoming the discomfort of where you're, where you are
at in that moment because like everything, just like the
highs don't stay high forever, the lows don't stay forever.
(06:51):
Everything is temporary. Nothing is permanent at all. And that's,
you know what we've learned, even more so in the
last year and a half, going on five years of
this of this pandemic, and what feels like five years,
you know, it's like enough already with this, Okay, we're
all in touch with Jesus now or whomever your Jesus is, like,
let's wrap it up, um. But I think I think
(07:13):
for any situation, it's really important. We talked about this
on my podcast a lot. Dear Chelsea, is like, you
just have to be okay with the uncomfortable. You have
to be okay with the devastation. You have to you
have to learn to accept it because anytime you resist anything,
it persists. Right if you say no and you're or
you're like I don't want to move with that, or
I don't want to change, or I don't like change,
(07:35):
Like you're just perpetuating the friction and the sufferating, the suffering,
sufferating and making of a new word. That's what's just
what one days are four girls, um you and so
not resisting it and accepting it even when it's not
news you like, helps you get through it quicker. It's
when you deflect and you drink or you smoke, or
(07:57):
you distract yourself that you're putting off the inevitable, which
is kind of which is pain, and pain is part
of the process of living, you know. Unfortunately it's just
a matter what your responses to the pain. Are you
sure you're not a therapist? I mean, like I am.
I think I'm a medical practitioner. I've prescribed medication all
the time to my friends cannabis. I mean, my podcast
(08:19):
is like a self help podcast, which I did as
a joke but it turned it's too It's like very serious.
People call in with real well, I mean, you're you're
you're you know what you're saying is I'm like, yes,
Like that's that's exactly what people need to hear. So
obviously like you've you've done your work, and I love
that you talk about therapy too, because I'm a big
therapy advocate. We have therapists that come on here, and um,
I think therapy has been one of the best places
(08:41):
that I've learned so much about me and who I
want to continue to be and things that I have
to change and grow and so I just you know,
I've I've I've always looked up to you, but also
how vocal you've been about therapy has been really cool
too to see. Oh well, thank you very much. I
always just like to share my story. So whatever I'm
doing at the time, if it's one night stands and
to talk about that, because you know, drinking and party,
(09:03):
it's going to be that. And when I went to therapy,
I just thought, oh wow, you know, I've made a
career out of oversharing. This is actually something that's valuable
to share and with people because how many people can
really afford to sit down with a therapist like I did,
you know, to two times a week for a year
and really get to the bottom of what you're where
your anger is coming from, where your impulsivity or your
(09:24):
impatience or whatever your issues are so I mean, I
it was a great transaction, right, paying someone to tell
you why you're a bitch or why you're you know,
where you're coming up short in life is a great transaction.
And I wasn't taking it lightly because I looked at
it as like a project. I was like, Okay, let
me get my head sorted out. That will probably take
(09:45):
a year. I'll take you know, I'll take a year
off of work and do that, which is a luxury
and a privilege. So when I got all that information,
I just thought, how many other people and women feel
like I do? You know, how many are going through
something similar? And you know when I wrote I wrote
my book, I did my last special based on that
book for HBO Max called Evolution, And it's all just
(10:06):
tied into that kind of like, yeah, I went through this,
and you know, and I came out the other side.
So it's really it's it's and I take it. I
took it so seriously, like you know, I was taking
notes in therapy. I was like, okay, wait, wait, wait, okay,
this makes sense, this makes sense. And so it uh
has helped me a lot become a much softer, gentler bitch.
(10:29):
I mean, and I love that. Is there anything that
you still feel like because I feel I know that, well,
we always evolve and there's so many things that we
have to continue to grow and change, not change, but
continue to grow. Is there a place where you feel stuck,
because sometimes when I go into therapy, there's this one
issue where I just feel stuck. I feel I felt
stuck there for the last thirty years of my life.
(10:51):
Um stuck. No, I mean, it's always for me. My
exercise is always about reacting, right, Like, I don't want
to be react if I don't want to fire off
an email where I'm pressing down on my phone like
a lunatic that you see walking through the airport, you know,
somebody's like, like, I don't want to ever be reactive
in that way because that was my signature dish without
thinking things through. You know, people would say, oh, you
(11:14):
can write the email, but don't send it. It's like,
what I'm not doing that. This email is already out.
I already replied, and but when you do do that,
you realize you don't need to send that email cares
you know, It's just about for me, it's about changing
my reaction to things. And saying I'm sorry when I
don't necessarily feel like I did anything wrong. But I
know to be a bigger person now, and it's not
(11:35):
about right or wrong. It's just about compassion and understanding.
Some people are going through a more difficult time than
you are, and sometimes it's the opposite, and you want
that compassion to be held for you. But with with
what you're saying about being stuck, I think you only
get stuck when you have the same reactions to things
that you did before. Yeah, is it a hard balance
(11:57):
for you because as a you know, comedians like you you, Um,
it's like you're you're wanting to be funny or not
wanting to be funny. You are funny, You're just you're
just naturally funny. But where it's like you have to
there's like two sides of you and it becomes like
maybe not confusing, but I don't know the right word
to say it is, but um, like a challenge to
be to be like, oh, oh sorry, I was just
(12:19):
trying to be funny or that came off wrong, or
do you feel like you have to apologize for for
acting you were saying something? Well, I mean I think
you kind of marry like you you you have your
personality right, and then you get the tools to understand
how your personality affects certain people, right, and so you
basically want to marry those two things. So in the beginning,
when I went to therapy, it was all about not
(12:40):
over talking, not over inserting myself, not being so aggressive,
not being in your face. So I overcorrected, and I
go to dinner parties and I was basically mute. Like
I would just sit there and be like, don't talk,
don't talk. You don't have to be the life of
the party. You don't have to be the center of attention.
And then eventually people are like, Okay, this isn't fun either,
like what's your plan and are you gonna have? You
kind of have to take all the tools you you know,
(13:02):
you learn in therapy and then applied them to your
old personality so that you have this new and improved
personality and you don't lose your edge. I mean I
still have my edge, of course, but it's it's a
nicer way to go through life without having to be
like did I say something to offend somebody or you know,
I mean listen, To be quite honest, I wasn't thinking
that much about how much how offensive I have been
in the past, so it's nice to think about it
(13:24):
now when I'm not as offensive, right, No, that's get
that for sure. I can't. I sometimes have that issue
where I'm I'm so um sarcastic that I am like,
oh crap, I shouldn't have said that, or I don't know, yeah, sorry,
it's okay, it's fine. Best friend so she's like, yeah,
you have been kind of chy, but I don't mean
to be like I think I'm like trying to be funny.
(13:45):
And then I'm like, oh, just like yeah, um, you know.
My therapist at the other day she goes she basically
said like, I'm not your pastor I'm not your you know.
You're like God, She's like, I need you to usually
you have to confide in your friends with some of
that that you're telling me, because if not, you're going
to continue to repeat the patterns. And she's like, because
I I don't see you every single day, I don't
(14:06):
know what you're doing. I don't see I just see you,
you know, once a week or every other week. So
it's like, if you can't acknowledge some of the things
that like you're either doing wrong or that you want
to share, like you're not gonna grow because your friends
can't hold you accountable. I thought that was like pretty
interesting thought too. Yeah. Yeah, I mean you're basically moderating
your behavior, right, or modulating moderating You're you're basically mitigating
(14:30):
the damage. Right. You're thinking about how how to be
how to hold yourself accountable, right, because you don't want
to be relying on this therapist to hold you accountable
or your friends. You want to be accountable like now,
I know sometimes I'm like, oh, I want to like
things cly out of my mouth a lot, And now
I'm like, don't say that, Like it's not necessary. It
(14:52):
might be funny, but it's not necessary. You don't need
to prove that, like, you know, in this moment. And
that's been a really great, like kind of direction for
me because I just it's nice to be able to
edit yourself and to be like, you don't you don't
have to be make yourself be funny in this moment.
I don't have anything to prove, you know. It's always
kind of ego driven when we do that, and once
(15:14):
you can identify, oh, this is me acting in my
ego instead of acting in compassion love, blah blah blah.
Then you're like, Okay, I don't want to do that
all the time, you know. And when I'm on stage,
I go off because that's what people want, and I
have a lot to say, and that's a good place
for it, you know, ranting and raving about the state
of the world or the state of men and why
they can't understand what they did was wrong for the
(15:35):
last you know, well since the beginning of time. Um
and uh, you know you can that's a that's a
great um medium for that. But you know, in real life, yeah,
it's always about breaking patterns. And you know what the
great news is, it takes so little time to rehabituate yourself.
Like it's so it takes like three or four days
(15:56):
of doing something every day before it becomes something you
want to do. And so that's what's the good news is,
like everyone is possible, has the possibility to change. I
know I did, and if I did, I mean I'm
a hardhead and I have very strong opinions. And you know,
all of my friends and all of my family have
seen the change in me. You know, I went on vacation.
(16:16):
This is a great example. I went on vacation with
my family like two summers ago in COVID. The first
COVID summer, we went to Martha's Vineyard because everyone had
been locked in their houses for like the last six
to eight months. I was like, let's go to Martha's
unior for two weeks instead of one. And that was
a mistake. My family on vacation for two weeks with
my eight nieces and nephews. I wanted to blow my
(16:37):
brains out by the end of the week. You know,
I've been working very hard in my life to remain
childless and alone for a very specific reason. So I
don't know what I was thinking, but it was it was.
It wasn't good. So I left that vacation and I
was like, you know what, I've had it like if
these And I wrote this email to everyone, to all
the kids, to all my brothers and sisters, and I
was like, here are the rules moving forward. This vacation
(17:00):
is not required or you know, you know, um a given.
It's a choice I make every year, and it's an
expensive one. So I need to make sure that everyone
says please thank you. We look people in the eye.
If there's somebody working at our house, you don't walk
past them without saying anything. Blah blah blah. All these
just like basic remedial reminders of how to be a
(17:21):
human being. But but the first draft of that letter
was like yeah, you know, you like don't and then
you know, and then it went to like it went
through three four drafts, and then it finally was like,
dear family, like I love I named every one of them,
(17:43):
and like, you cannot, I love you. It would be impossible.
But moving forward, we have to we have to, uh,
you know, behave a little bit better and a little
bit more gracious. And I went through, you know, a
list of things, but just just from therapy like that
letter would have been, and it was received so all.
By the time I sent the real thing, my whole
family was like, oh my god, we're so sorry. You know,
(18:05):
we won't we don't ever want you to feel that
way after a vacation and and blah blah blah. So
that was a perfect example of me being able to
kind of edit myself, you know, and say it with
love instead of saying with anger. And how good does
that feel? Too? Because like I I know that I've
I'm doing. I'm really trying hard to make sure that
I do things differently this go around with you know,
just everything in my life, and it's been nice to
(18:27):
I even I'd called Catherine um uh the other day
and I was like, I just did something right for
the first time that I've never done before, and I
just had to share it because I'm actually proud of myself,
like how I handled the situation that I normally would
not have handled like that in the past. Having said that, though,
I do feel now because that was a while ago,
I do feel like now I'm in a place where
(18:48):
I kind of want to get back out there and
date slowly. So what is your best advice to getting
back out there and dating in the world slowly? I mean,
I don't know if I should be giving anybody dating advice.
I mean, my track record isn't that great. But like
you're happy though, that's the thing, right, Well, I'm happy
because yes I am, I am happy, but I have
(19:09):
a happy disposition and I don't have the other thing,
like I wake up and I'm pretty like rare and
to go, um, then that's also part of your personality.
And you know what I learned on One thing that
I learned in therapy was like, hey, you you're born
with a personality. There's nothing you can do about that,
so you need to lean into it and embrace it,
right the best parts of it. You're not going to
(19:30):
change your personality. I still have the same thoughts I
used to have. I just don't act on them and
I don't respond to them, you know, I'm just like, oh,
I'm not necessary that kind of thing. So so it's
always about I think, embracing all of the great things
that you have and highlighting those, you know, Instead of
embracing all the qualities you have, you could just kind
of look at yourself and you know what works for
(19:51):
you and what brings people in and what spreads kind
of like joy and sunshine, and operate with you know,
with that more in your front feet then in your
back feet. I just wish I was more like E though,
because you say, you know, I mean, I'm obviously I
love my children. I would never take that back. But
when you say that, you've you know, you've your whole
thing was like, you want to be childless and alone,
but do you really, at the end of the day
(20:12):
want to be alone? Are you trying to find that
person to be with you? Yes, I would be with someone,
but you know there and I am with someone right now,
and there is like yeah, but they have to be
in addition, they cannot subtract, you know, there can be
no subtraction. You cannot be a distraction in a negative way,
because I've been in those relationships to where you know,
(20:33):
everything is about them and everything is about your relationship
and you're so obsessed and you're so that's great and all,
but not when it has like a kind of a
negative when there's not trust or there's not respect, all
of those things. And so now I'm with someone, yeah,
and I and I'm you know, it's new, but it's
a much. I mean, I'm so different that it's like
(20:53):
I'm in control of the situation instead of the situation
being in control of me. How do I how do
you do that? Because that's what I need, because that's
where I'm like, it's now I feel like I'm in this,
you know that not I don't want to play games.
I don't want to. I don't know how to. I
just don't know how to do it. I don't know
how to date. I mean, it was married for seven years.
You know, I don't remember, and I don't want to
be the twenty year old dater that I was, Like
that was right, but I mean, I don't know, are
(21:15):
you opposed to I mean, who would how would you date?
Would you go on like Riya or would you have
friends set you up? Like what would be your first inclination?
I mean, I'm I'm open to I'm open to all things.
All my friends are married. And you know, you're not
the first person who's been single and doesn't remember how
to date. Like this is everyone's story, right, So you
(21:36):
all you have to do is just start the action
of doing it, Like it's one step, one little baby
step takes you to the water. You know, you just
have to make the move to do it, Like go on, Ryan,
I go on a date, even if it's just for practice,
like practice dating so that you get better at it,
and then it becomes not a big deal and it's
not like this mountain of like, oh my god, I
don't know, I've never been on a date before. It's
(21:57):
not that serious. It's just dating, you know, and when
you fall in love, yeah that can be serious, but
that's also you know, you just again. I mean, it's
like my view about cannabis, like I'm in control. Cannabis
isn't in control of me. I'm in control of cannabis.
Although I do have a good story. Yesterday my friend
was over and went into my refrigerator to take some
lemonade and uh, and she came out and she was
(22:21):
like that lemonade is so delicious, and I was like,
I don't have lemonade in my house. And it was
cannabis lemonade. And she drank half the bottle and and
she had taken a suit offen because she had allergies.
And so then we went to lunch and she just
literally was her tears were streaming down her face, and
I was like, what is wrong with you? I what
I forgot about the cannabis, of course, And first of all,
(22:42):
no one should go on my refrigerator and think that
they're going to find something that's not spiked that's on her.
We went to lunch and she's just she's like, I
don't know, the suit of fed is acting so weird.
I don't She's like, I'm getting so loopy. And then
I saw her grab a French fry from the basket
of fries. When was a whole plate of French fries
on her plate, Like her plate was filled with them.
(23:03):
And I was like, wait a second, I know that
you were high. Wait how do I get more food
that's already in my mouth? How do I get more
of it? Um? Yeah, So she had a rough day
yesterday and I was very happy to be her support system. Um,
that's just a little side story. I love that, you know.
Maybe that's what I need to do. I need to
(23:24):
start smoking weed to just chill the Yeah, you need
to chill out a little bit. You need to get
some or take some microjose And you don't have to
get we doesn't have to make you blottoed like that.
You can just take like a blueberry that's five milligrams
or two and a half milligram mint. You know they
have those mints. What are they called? Um? How about
this the next the next time that um I come,
(23:44):
because we we went and saw you and zany As.
Was it last year? Yeah? I think it was. It
was after it was after COVID or no, wasn't before
after COVID was before? Okay? Yeah, we me and my
girls we went to to go see you and um,
it was an amazing show. But next time you come
back to anis or wherever tea back, um, I will
I will hit you up and be like, okay, like
(24:05):
you have to be the first person to like help
me with that. That's trying, not that I do. I'll
take care of you. I'm very good like that. I'm
good with people in there and and first time cannabis users. Okay, great,
because I'm gonna be like, am I gonna because I'm
such a I'm not a control freak. Maybe I am.
I don't know, but I just don't like to be
out of control. So right right, that's called a control freak. Yeah,
(24:29):
it's fine, fabulous. Okay, So you are on tour right now?
Are you an horny? That's my tour name, vaccinated and
horny stop? But I love it. Are you freaked out
at all about going back out because I know some
people are canceling shows and stuff, which, yeah, I mean
vaccinations are required at my shows, so you know that's
basically the deal. And they're all with Live Nation, well
(24:53):
not all of them, but you know Live Nation and
made it a requirement for any ticket holders to be vaccinated.
So no, I'm gonna go forward with a tour. Like said,
I feel really strongly that this is just such an
important time to be showing up for people and giving
them something to laugh about. And I know it is
a scary time with COVID, so I'm we're just taking
it one day at a time and if things get
really really bad, I mean, luckily, my audience is mostly vaccinated,
(25:14):
you know. I most of the people coming to see
me are are doing that. So but we will definitely,
you know, take it day by day. But it's just fun.
I opened the stand up Barbara Bull this weekend for
the first time in two years. It was their first show.
It was so beautiful. They had this big blue moon
you know, out and then when the sun went down,
it's this huge amphitheater. It was just the vibes were
(25:35):
just so good that I was like, oh my god,
I just cannot wait, you know, to do this, and
I'm going to like, I'm going all over Ohio, Florida.
We'll see, Yeah, they're gonna love you in Florida. I
know you have to find your little liberal pockets and
progressive pockets, but I think like anything goes that's what's
(25:56):
so great about I feel like being a comedian and
I don't know, because I'm not funny at all, but
like when it comes to like you guys can say
what every like, you don't have to be politically correct.
Like That's why I think it's fun to go to
those shows too, because it's just it's so nice to
laugh and then even around things that you can just
say whatever you want, like how freeing is that? Well,
you can't say whatever you want because you know you
can't do that anymore. And I like those parameters. You know,
(26:19):
we're not making fun of people anymore just for the
sake of a cheap joke. You're it's forcing comedians to
be a little bit more clever and a little bit
sharper about their material. And I welcome that challenge, like
I always want to be challenged. First of all, I'm
a complete hot mess, chaotic, So if you have give
me boundaries, that's great because then I can go into
that little plate then and just blow it up, you know.
(26:39):
So I like, I like any sort of like um,
like um, how how would I say it? Like you know,
when in school, like when you when they give you
like okay, these are the rules, It's like okay, okay, okay.
If I have the rules within the rules, anything goes.
So that's kind of how I operate at my at
my best, probably I need a little bit of like, um,
(27:00):
you know, responsibility enforced upon me. And then where can
people get the tickets at? Actually you can get him
at Chelsea Handler dot com. You can get him at
live nation dot com. Yeah, and then your podcast, which is, um,
like what can people expecting to listen to your podcasts
and therapy sessions? Like you said what, well, basically yeah,
it's just basically like what you and I just talked about,
(27:22):
people call in for well, I it was an advice
podcast because I just love Dear Abbey when I was
growing up and reading that, and I was like, you
know what, they wanted me to do a podcast, and
I was like, I just have to think of the
right thing. And then I thought, you know, I'm like
that in life. I'm always the advice giver or like
the crisis manager. I I thrive in a crisis. I'm
able to go in and like, you know, handle it
(27:43):
and help my friends stand up and be a little
bit braver and a little bit stronger. So we've had
some really meaningful calls or callers call in. One guy
called in he was getting high way too much and
felt like he he had lost his tolerance. And I
was like, why don't you take thirty days off and
I'll do it with you, And we both had like
a thirty day cleanse of like no pot smoking. And
(28:03):
at the end of the thirty days he called back
in and he had come out to his family as
trans I mean clearly he was just smoking pot to
just you know, not feel not feel, not feel. He
had come up to his family, he came up to
his friends. I mean, his whole life transformed in thirty days.
And it was like wow, I mean, so those things,
you know, when people kind of come back and check
(28:23):
in with us and let us know like the progress
they've made or if they've acted on the advice we've given.
And but it's all basically about self esteem, and you know,
comparing yourself to others. You know, everyone gets lost in
this game that we're all in where you look around
and you think you're not good enough or pretty enough,
or smart enough, for funny enough, because somebody else is
doing something a little bit better or different than you are,
(28:44):
and you know that's that's ego too. We all have
to just like that's not healthy, you know. I don't
want to sit and scroll down TikTok or Instagram for
an hour a day. I don't want to be like that.
I want to be present. I want to be Chelsea
Handler right now, right, I just all, I just I've
appreciate everything you've said, and um, I I love you
and I want everyone not to go out intee your
(29:05):
show and I'll obviously promote all of it at the
end too, but just thank you for coming on and
sharing your wisdom and your weed and everything else. So anytime, anytime.
You're so sweet, And if you know anyone, you know,
I'm just hook a girl up. Okay, and you're in Nashville.
Is that where you are? Yeah, but I'm willing to travel. Okay,
there are some hotties in Nashville, so you shouldn't have
(29:27):
to travel too far. I'll put the word out with
my feelers. Okay. Thanks Chelsee, you're the best dating dating
girl ever. Um, You're the best. Thank you so much, Chelseie,
Thank you. Girls. Have a great day. Girl By she's
(29:53):
so funny, you know, it was the funniest is like
one of the things is the emails. I that is
so me. That is like me to a t because
you have family. But it's like I feel like I
have slight like a little better in the emails where
I don't because my thing is and I think you
can definitely attest to this, but I'm like, that's absolutely
(30:16):
not happening. And then I'm like, and then I'll send
another one, and then another one and then another one
and then so it's like five emails. It's like, why
can't I just take a second collect my thoughts and
then put it all on one email. It starts with
I do that too sometimes, but it starts with absolutely not.
It ends with I'll do it right now. Just wait?
Do you literally just waked? Because Katherine's always like I
(30:38):
need you to redo. I'm like and then it's like
and now I'm just yeah, that is true, I am
doing that. And then you're great, I'm proud of you. Thanks,
But I'm trying so something. This is gonna be so stupid,
not stupid, but um, I was in church yesterday and
I really wanted to stay because they were doing did
(30:59):
you go No? They were doing um this and this
is this, this is like such a squirrel moment and
I apologize and I don't know, maybe maybe someone needs
to hear it. I'm not really sure the Lord of speaking,
so I'm here for it. No, but um so I
I don't know. I think getting back into the because
(31:20):
here's the deal and Mark, you'll love this because this
is and we'll not juicy. But like, I think I'm
at the place now where I'm actually ready to put
my feet back out there. And it's not because I
saw a picture of Mike moving on. It's not because
of this. It's like I just I know that I
still have a lot of work to do, but I
also am like I'm I'm I'm I'm open to it,
knowing I still have a lot of healing to do,
(31:42):
but I'm open to dating and like finding out who
my person is and who like and not like knowing
that I don't have to be with someone. Um that
I'm okay alone, Like I've gotten to that place, like
I am okay alone, but that yeah, like I we
all know, I like companionship and I'd love to find
(32:03):
someone that can I can have companionship with, but they
I need them to check all the boxes at the
end of the day, like there's I'm not going to
continue on something, which is you know what, I just
I'm not going to do that. Okay, I get you said.
They have to add they have to be added value
to your life, right and if not, like, there's no
point in me keeping someone around if I don't feel
(32:24):
like they're going to be the end alb all, because
then I'm just it's it's just not fair to them.
It's not fair to my healing process. It's not And
then that's just repeating a pattern that I would have
done in the past. What's the time frame? Where are
we right now? How long has it been that you've
been on your own, um, like a month or so?
Like I mean like since Mike, yeah, oh since April
(32:45):
so um April made so four months? Are you signing
off on this being ready to find someone? I'm not
saying like and I think seriously like I wanted to
late slowly, I wanted to date, but she's not. She's
never been a great data. That's what I'm saying. Like,
(33:08):
I'm not I'm gonna go I Well, here's the thing too,
when are we going with this? We started with church,
never get to church. I'm just saying like I I'm
not going to just continue to hang with someone if
not like again, like I'm okay to like snip things
off like I have, Like if I don't see it going,
I'm not going to write back or I'm not gonna
I'm just it's I don't have time. I've got kids,
(33:29):
Like I'm more worried about the other way. I'm more
worried about you all of a sudden, being head over
heels's the greatest. I can't do that, which I guess
I have done that in the past. Yes before, Yes,
my marriage before, Yes, I have done that. Why I've
been very clear about that. But now it's like I've
got kids, I've got responsibilities, and I need to be
(33:53):
careful with that. And also someone said this to me.
They're like, you need to stop putting yourself on trial,
like they need to be on trial. Yeah that's good. Yeah,
And I thought that was like so interesting because I
was telling her about a situation or somebody or whatever,
and she was just like, you are the prize, Like
(34:14):
you have to stop putting this person like you need
to opening yourself on trial, like you need to look
at what did you do wrong? What like what I
did wrong? Like am I good enough? Am I pretty enough?
Am I successful enough? Like it's like, you know, no, no,
are they going to fit into her life? Are they
good enough for you? Like? And I've never looked at
it that way, and it kind of and and so
(34:37):
that leads into them. My church thing was because I
just started to feel, you know, especially seeing the stuff
with it's not easy to see the acts with somebody
or whatever, and so I started to be like, man,
like I'm not pretty enough or I'm not good enough again,
and so um, I went into church and I'm so
(34:58):
glad that I went, but it was, um, they did
do this thing at the very end of like for
the first time. They're like, we don't usually do this,
but like if if you can stay, um, it'd be
really nice. Um, We're gonna pray and God's gonna say
something to you, whatever you need to hear. And I
was like, I really want to sit here and listen
to this, but I can't because I gotta bring the
kids back home. So I'm like, so he's like, if
(35:20):
you have to get up and leave, get up and leave.
And like every part of me like wanted to stay
because I'm like what is my message? God? Like what
are you trying to tell me right now? Like what,
like what what is it? And because I'm just like
wanting that, like that answer or like what he's like
wanting for me. So then I was just like I
can't do it. And then I think I didn't even
want to hear it. So then I was like, okay,
I gotta get the kids because we went to the
(35:41):
later service that day. So then I come out with
the kids and this random girl just stops me and
she's like I just have to tell you that you
are so beautiful and that you are just so worthy
of love, and I was just like I literally started bawling.
I was like how did this? I was like holy wow.
It was like the coolest like experience ever. Like I
(36:04):
just like started like she's probably like what why is
she going? But I was just like it's what I
needed to hear. And then I walked away from and
being like, you know what I am like and I
don't need to like saddle, I don't need to like
I'm good either way. And I think that was kind
of like my turning point where I was like, okay,
like you know, I am like someone will be lucky
one day to be with me a man. I think
(36:26):
we can all agree on that, for sure, I know,
but I'm still like I have little asters like and
I say that, and I'm like, well, you know, but
maybe like I know, and then I let it, like
the voices creep in again. Stop there. But this woman
is a fan. She's a fan of your work or what.
How does she know you? She doesn't. She just saw
me walking out with the kids and she was in
one of those um like one of the helper ladies
or whatever, and then she just randomly stopped me and
(36:48):
said that I've never seen her before. I don't like,
I just know that she she had like a little
tag on, but like she didn't need to stop me.
I think God knew you needed to hear, but you
weren't going to stay And that's something he put her message. Yeah,
but anyways, I thought I wanted to share that. So
that's cool. Listen to listen to the messages that people
(37:09):
send you because it might be a higher power message.
Did you want to get back to the habitually late
topic that we were talking about earlier. I actually would
love to because I I honestly that would be a
deal breaker for me. I couldn't be with someone that
would would be always late because I could see me
just like fighting with the person that would drive me crazy.
(37:31):
Like that's going to be one of the boxes. If
you can't do it, I'm on checking the box. Yeah,
I'm here for that one. To these people, I think
you're stretching. I think that there can be very good
if a guy checks every other box, but he runs
a little bit late. I think like five minutes or
like an hour. There's a big difference. I would say
five to ten minutes regularly. And it's for that same
(37:54):
reason he starts probably getting out of the house. Oh
my gosh. She gets halfway there and he realized I
had trouble getting out of the house for like serious,
I didn't. I'm sorry, but like what, well, that's a
very good point, patience. Meanwhile, you've gotten all the kids
stuff situated, and you're like, yeah, you probably kicked out
(38:16):
his clothes, right, like no reason, I don't know, but yeah,
I think it's a respect thing. So and I apologize
for being disrespectful this morning and rushing, but I have
overbooked myself on this day. We were we were always
thrilled to get you whenever we can get you. And
it wasn't a terrible thing. And also it's not like
(38:37):
we're sitting in a studio waiting for you. We're houses anyway,
so it's no big deal. I mean, but still I
don't like it. It's an anxiety and I'm like kind
of like, how kind of feels okay? Fine? But it's okay.
It's better than the old days when we heard their
running a leg and we're like, oh, they're fighting me
(38:57):
a tough one today, poor mom. Those were brutal and
for everybody involved. God, I'm so much happier, and so
just keep any emails. We do have one actually, yes,
is from Oakley, which by the way is a fantastic
(39:18):
because it could be a girl or a guy. I
don't think i've ever heard that name before anyway, great name,
Oakley says. My husband and I were going through a
rough patch for about a year. We went on a
friend trip with about eight of us to Florida, and
when we got back, I found out he had kissed
my very good also married friend, a drunken kiss that
(39:40):
they both snapped out of, and we're like, this cannot happen.
Given the loveless state we were in, I chose to
forgive him because my friend was also at the lowest
of the lows in her marriage, suffering from almost the
same thing. About a week after I found out, working
through issues, arguing, anger, etcetera, my husband invited that friend
to a bar to t talk about everything and basically
(40:01):
vent to her that he's losing his marriage and what
should he do. They talked and my friend ended up
telling me that the next thing she told me that
she kissed him again as they were leaving the bar.
This was early June and I'm still working through everything
with my husband and my friend. Do you have any
advice on this? I feel, Oh, there's so many boundaries broken,
(40:26):
like there's no reason. Well, okay, the first part is
just wrong, but the second part again going to a
bar afterwards, Like there's that so many boundaries broken, Like
there's no reason that they needed to go back to
a bar to have a conversation. You are inviting trouble,
You were inviting something bad to happen, and that's so
disrespectful on both of their sides. I would be pissed
(40:50):
at my friend. I'd have a hard time being friends
with her because I like, no, I I there's no way,
there's no way I couldn't do it. No, No, she's
not your friend, right, I mean, how is that a friend?
You wouldn't I mean, not one of my friends would
do that, not one, No, never, that's never. Okay, let's
(41:10):
start with the drunken kiss. Now. I feel like, Okay,
they were in a really bad place. The other couple
is in a really bad place. I also wonder how much,
because I am a non drinker, I wonder how much
infidelity is preceded by alcohol consumption, because I think it's
a pretty darn high percentage of my husband was stunkelds
over and all of them. Okay, well that's that's and
(41:32):
that's you. But like some people say to me, I
would never did a guy who's a non drinker. And
I feel like I have to stand up for the
non drinkers because I am one, and I always say, like,
you never have to worry about him getting drunk and
doing something stupid like this husband did. But I agree
that going back to the bar with her as you're
still healing from the first betrayal, I think that was
a major misstep. And that was a sober decision. Yeah,
(41:56):
that's making the decision to go to the bar alone.
Bad bad, bad, bad bad bad. And also, at the
end of the day, a guy is going to cheat.
And this is what I've learned. Whether they are drunk,
whether they are or stone colds over, they will cheat regardless.
So I mean they will, like, if they're going to cheat,
it's going to be it doesn't matter how much they've
had to drink. I think that's the biggest excuse. And
(42:17):
just like you know have saying well, I've got an addiction,
like no, like that. At the end of the day,
it is a choice. You are making a choice to
do something that is inappropriate and wrong. And also they
make a choice to they make the choice far before
they actually do it. I feel like so much cheating
has to be set up, and him going to that
(42:38):
bar was making the decision to cheat. Like, I think
that was absolutely his making the decision that this that
who knows, maybe okay, so again, I don't know, Maybe
that's everything. It's inviting a woman back to your hotel room.
Oh it just happened, going to the hotel bar with
somebody on a business trip. Oh it just happened, doesn't
just happen. It is set up in advance, yea. And
those are boundaries you do not go back to their
(42:59):
like no, like I'm sorry. It's like there's no reason
that should have happened. And I could never be friends
with that friend again. She chose to go to the bar.
I think I can't get about that, like like no, no, no, no,
no no, and she kissed her like no, I'm sorry,
like no, And I would not trust that he wouldn't
do that again with somebody else. So and I was
(43:19):
telling a friend this too, and this is like probably
bad advice because as someone always asked, like do you
believe in the good fight? And you know obviously the book,
I'm like, of course I do what I wrote, yes,
having said that, when someone has that trade, that's a
very hard thing to gain any trust back whatsoever, or
to always wonder and then if if they for them
(43:41):
to do it again, because if they can do that,
like it's in their nature to do that again, right,
kind of like the ones a cheater always a cheater thing.
And now I will say, you know, I'm like defending
myself in the past, but like you know, I think
again I do think people can change? Having said that,
when you were in a marriage and a committed marriage,
and that is the choice that you're making, Clearly something's up,
(44:03):
and I just think it will happen again. So you
have to ask yourself, do I want to be here
in five years because I always think back, I'm like, man,
I should have left my ex a long time ago.
Having said that, you know, we have you know now,
a second beautiful child. But so it's like, yeah, sure,
give it, give it a try, but just know in
five ten years, this most likely could happen again. And
(44:25):
then you're gonna ask yourself, Damn, I wish I just
wasted ten years in my life. So the friendship should
be over right, right. Neither of you should have any
more contact with this friend. In my opinion, he should
not text her, talk to her, look at her, nothing
like that's only going to be a trigger for her.
How could they even possibly, you know, reconcile if they're
(44:47):
together all the times, right, right, And so two separate things.
That's the one. And then with the husband, if you
want to try to work it out for whatever reason,
time spends already, the kids, whatever it is, work it out.
But jann is warning you you're gonna have these feelings
again in the future. And I will let me asktrict
what I what I just said. I do believe people
can change. I do believe people can make mistakes. That person, though,
(45:09):
has to show up like they're King Superman and and
you know, so does the other person to like try
to trust. But you watch, you sit back, and you watch.
If their patterns are not changing their behaviors or not changing,
run for the freaking hills. I do know a few
people that have been able to change. You know, their
marriages from infidelity, and you know that that man or
(45:29):
that woman was committed to changing and doing the work.
But very few get that opportunity. And now I'm now
I see that. But again, if if if I would
have sat back and watched, I would have seen repeated patterns.
And it's like, those are your signs to leave that.
I'm sorry's are nothing without actions. It's all I have
(45:50):
to say about that. I'm sorry. I'm really passionate. No,
I'm so happy to hear these things. It's true. I'm
fired up. Okay, I have nothing else to say. I
see the signs leeve just saying okay, Catherine, Okay, sorry,
I can just let it go. Bye bye,
Wine Down with Janet Kramer and I Heart Radio podcast.
I'm sorry, I'm like, I'm normally not a late person.
I'll just start like it gives me anxiety. And Katherine
and are very much the same where it's like I
have to be at least five minutes early to something,
but lately I've been so late getting on these and
(00:23):
I feel terrible because you know what my problem is is,
I'm I'm doing too much all in the day that
I don't have the kids. You're trying to Yeah, you
don't have the kids, your pack every second of the day.
I take advantage of your lack of responsibility. But I
have so much responsibility. But like, so what do you
what do you fill your days with? Oh? My god, therapy, lash, appointment.
(00:45):
I have to work out, I have an audition I
have to do today. I've got a meeting. Catherine and
I have a meeting. Um, I answer my email. I
haven't answered any of my emails because I've been running
around town doing therapy and this and like and so
I'm like, I feel like burnt out now now and
now it's like, okay, now I want to say breath.
(01:06):
And then there's idiots on the road, I'm like, no,
I start to get a little road rage. So you're
not one of those people it is late for things,
because I know, like this woman when I work with
on the morning show is always late, and she claims
it is not just being irresponsible, it's actually a characteristic
some people have that they don't understand time the way
(01:26):
other people understand time that I don't. That makes no
sense to me. I don't I agree with you, but
she claims this, and so I'm wondering if that's if
there is because we don't we all have these people
in our lives. They're always late for stuff. Is it
a trait or is it just blowing stuff off? See?
I find it very disrespectful personally, Like I feel like
(01:46):
I just disrespected y'all's time with me being late a
few of the times. And it really bothers me because
I I think that's a good trait to to be
respectful of people's time. So I'm someone's late, it's like, hey,
this is my time that you're not wasting. Oh yeah,
drives me crazy, right yeah. And I don't think I
could be with someone that's a late person, like it
(02:07):
would drive me crazy. I'd get really frustrated. Uh, it
does take some adjustments. But people, some people think that,
oh I need to be there at noon, it's a
ten minute drive. I need to leave at eleven fifty.
And it just doesn't work that way. There are too
many other factors in it. And you're only at the door,
and oh, I should go to the bathroom quick. I'll
(02:29):
let me grab a mask, or where are my sunglasses?
And suddenly you're late. Probably wasn't enough time anyway, people,
we are late. That was not enough time. It takes
you thirty minutes, not ten minutes. It drives me crazy.
I want to get back on this topic. But we
have a really special guest in the waiting room. Her
name is Her name is Chelsea Handler. I don't know
if any of you guys know her or not, but
we're gonna take a break and then we're going to
(02:50):
get her on. Hi. Hi, how are you fixing your hair?
You're so beautiful? Stunning girls are beautiful. How are you, Chelsea?
(03:15):
I'm good, I'm good. My voice is a little lot raspy.
I had a show this weekend and I lost it.
So that's a great way to kick off my tool.
Not being able to talk. We um. So I had
the privilege of being on your show. Was it five
years ago? Yeah? I think so. Do you know, I
just have to give a little little t on do
you remember what happened? So okay, So I'm obviously so
(03:38):
excited I was. I mean, you know, I'm a huge
fan of yours, and so I get asked to, you know,
come on your show. And this was at the time
when no one knew that my It was when no
one knew that Max and I were separated and he
was in rehab, and so you know, I'm trying to
like come on your show and like, you know, be
positive and you know, not like because I'm dying inside
right Like I'm I'm like literally want to cry and
(03:59):
then all remember and like my like you are like
a piece of my like divorce. Because the second I
get off stage from my public says pulls me into
the you know, the Chelsea Handler dressing room and she's like,
we need to talk. Do you remember the conversation. We
actually knew before you went out there. We just so
(04:20):
you didn't ruin. We already started dealing with it. It's fine,
but yeah, well you want to want what was the
conversation again because I like tried to block it out
of my right. I think it basically was when he
the story came out, yeah, that my husband was a
sex addict. So it was like that was breaking in
the chelse. I was like, you know, like I just
feel very bonded to you, even though you have no
(04:41):
idea the story. But well I do now, my god, Yeah,
we are bonded. I'm glad that I can facilitate a
breakup though part of one part of the memory of
a breakup, right, I mean, breakups are so hard. They're
so hard, but they're so good, you know what I
You mean, like breaking up when it has to happen,
(05:02):
it is so hard. But I always I remember reading
somewhere Gosh which book was it, where it was like,
you know, any time you're in a state like that,
when you feel like your heart is breaking, and instead
of that despair that we all feel all the time,
to welcome the pain, you know what I mean, Like
I remember reading welcome the pain. Welcome This is an
opportunity for growth, an opportunity for growth, And it's easy
(05:25):
to say, but it's harder to apply it to your life.
But when you are able to take a painful situation
and be like, there's a huge lesson here. This is okay.
I'm okay with the pain, I'm okay with the discomfort.
The sooner you absorb it, the sooner it passes through,
you know, is a good way for for people to
think about it, I think because that helped me a lot. No,
(05:45):
that's that's a really good advice, I think where it
was so last night I got a d M from
someone and was like, hey, not to trigger you, but
and I'm like, oh, here we go. Why why am
I going to continue to read this? But they sent
me photo of my ex husband with a new girl,
and it was the first time that I have seen
him with someone else. And like that's weird too, you know,
(06:08):
like to see like your person that you were you
thought you were going to spend the rest of your
life with now canoodling with like this cheek checka chica whatever.
And I'm like, it's like remembering that, like that person
wasn't good for you. But then it's that this is
all good. It's so it's so hard to even like, um,
(06:29):
you know, um, how do I say that? Like it's
it's hard to even tell yourself that too, because in
the moment, you're like, why wasn't I enough? You know,
how do how do you deal with that? Well? Again,
it's just like you know, it's it's it's again. It's
like welcoming the discomfort of where you're, where you are
at in that moment because like everything, just like the
highs don't stay high forever, the lows don't stay forever.
(06:51):
Everything is temporary. Nothing is permanent at all. And that's,
you know what we've learned, even more so in the
last year and a half, going on five years of
this of this pandemic, and what feels like five years,
you know, it's like enough already with this, Okay, we're
all in touch with Jesus now or whomever your Jesus is, like,
let's wrap it up, um. But I think I think
(07:13):
for any situation, it's really important. We talked about this
on my podcast a lot. Dear Chelsea, is like, you
just have to be okay with the uncomfortable. You have
to be okay with the devastation. You have to you
have to learn to accept it because anytime you resist anything,
it persists. Right if you say no and you're or
you're like I don't want to move with that, or
I don't want to change, or I don't like change,
(07:35):
Like you're just perpetuating the friction and the sufferating, the suffering,
sufferating and making of a new word. That's what's just
what one days are four girls, um you and so
not resisting it and accepting it even when it's not
news you like, helps you get through it quicker. It's
when you deflect and you drink or you smoke, or
(07:57):
you distract yourself that you're putting off the inevitable, which
is kind of which is pain, and pain is part
of the process of living, you know. Unfortunately it's just
a matter what your responses to the pain. Are you
sure you're not a therapist? I mean, like I am.
I think I'm a medical practitioner. I've prescribed medication all
the time to my friends cannabis. I mean, my podcast
(08:19):
is like a self help podcast, which I did as
a joke but it turned it's too It's like very serious.
People call in with real well, I mean, you're you're
you're you know what you're saying is I'm like, yes,
Like that's that's exactly what people need to hear. So
obviously like you've you've done your work, and I love
that you talk about therapy too, because I'm a big
therapy advocate. We have therapists that come on here, and um,
I think therapy has been one of the best places
(08:41):
that I've learned so much about me and who I
want to continue to be and things that I have
to change and grow and so I just you know,
I've I've I've always looked up to you, but also
how vocal you've been about therapy has been really cool
too to see. Oh well, thank you very much. I
always just like to share my story. So whatever I'm
doing at the time, if it's one night stands and
to talk about that, because you know, drinking and party,
(09:03):
it's going to be that. And when I went to therapy,
I just thought, oh wow, you know, I've made a
career out of oversharing. This is actually something that's valuable
to share and with people because how many people can
really afford to sit down with a therapist like I did,
you know, to two times a week for a year
and really get to the bottom of what you're where
your anger is coming from, where your impulsivity or your
(09:24):
impatience or whatever your issues are so I mean, I
it was a great transaction, right, paying someone to tell
you why you're a bitch or why you're you know,
where you're coming up short in life is a great transaction.
And I wasn't taking it lightly because I looked at
it as like a project. I was like, Okay, let
me get my head sorted out. That will probably take
(09:45):
a year. I'll take you know, I'll take a year
off of work and do that, which is a luxury
and a privilege. So when I got all that information,
I just thought, how many other people and women feel
like I do? You know, how many are going through
something similar? And you know when I wrote I wrote
my book, I did my last special based on that
book for HBO Max called Evolution, And it's all just
(10:06):
tied into that kind of like, yeah, I went through this,
and you know, and I came out the other side.
So it's really it's it's and I take it. I
took it so seriously, like you know, I was taking
notes in therapy. I was like, okay, wait, wait, wait, okay,
this makes sense, this makes sense. And so it uh
has helped me a lot become a much softer, gentler bitch.
(10:29):
I mean, and I love that. Is there anything that
you still feel like because I feel I know that, well,
we always evolve and there's so many things that we
have to continue to grow and change, not change, but
continue to grow. Is there a place where you feel stuck,
because sometimes when I go into therapy, there's this one
issue where I just feel stuck. I feel I felt
stuck there for the last thirty years of my life.
(10:51):
Um stuck. No, I mean, it's always for me. My
exercise is always about reacting, right, Like, I don't want
to be react if I don't want to fire off
an email where I'm pressing down on my phone like
a lunatic that you see walking through the airport, you know,
somebody's like, like, I don't want to ever be reactive
in that way because that was my signature dish without
thinking things through. You know, people would say, oh, you
(11:14):
can write the email, but don't send it. It's like,
what I'm not doing that. This email is already out.
I already replied, and but when you do do that,
you realize you don't need to send that email cares
you know, It's just about for me, it's about changing
my reaction to things. And saying I'm sorry when I
don't necessarily feel like I did anything wrong. But I
know to be a bigger person now, and it's not
(11:35):
about right or wrong. It's just about compassion and understanding.
Some people are going through a more difficult time than
you are, and sometimes it's the opposite, and you want
that compassion to be held for you. But with with
what you're saying about being stuck, I think you only
get stuck when you have the same reactions to things
that you did before. Yeah, is it a hard balance
(11:57):
for you because as a you know, comedians like you you, Um,
it's like you're you're wanting to be funny or not
wanting to be funny. You are funny, You're just you're
just naturally funny. But where it's like you have to
there's like two sides of you and it becomes like
maybe not confusing, but I don't know the right word
to say it is, but um, like a challenge to
be to be like, oh, oh sorry, I was just
(12:19):
trying to be funny or that came off wrong, or
do you feel like you have to apologize for for
acting you were saying something? Well, I mean I think
you kind of marry like you you you have your
personality right, and then you get the tools to understand
how your personality affects certain people, right, and so you
basically want to marry those two things. So in the beginning,
when I went to therapy, it was all about not
(12:40):
over talking, not over inserting myself, not being so aggressive,
not being in your face. So I overcorrected, and I
go to dinner parties and I was basically mute. Like
I would just sit there and be like, don't talk,
don't talk. You don't have to be the life of
the party. You don't have to be the center of attention.
And then eventually people are like, Okay, this isn't fun either,
like what's your plan and are you gonna have? You
kind of have to take all the tools you you know,
(13:02):
you learn in therapy and then applied them to your
old personality so that you have this new and improved
personality and you don't lose your edge. I mean I
still have my edge, of course, but it's it's a
nicer way to go through life without having to be
like did I say something to offend somebody or you know,
I mean listen, To be quite honest, I wasn't thinking
that much about how much how offensive I have been
in the past, so it's nice to think about it
(13:24):
now when I'm not as offensive, right, No, that's get
that for sure. I can't. I sometimes have that issue
where I'm I'm so um sarcastic that I am like,
oh crap, I shouldn't have said that, or I don't know, yeah, sorry,
it's okay, it's fine. Best friend so she's like, yeah,
you have been kind of chy, but I don't mean
to be like I think I'm like trying to be funny.
(13:45):
And then I'm like, oh, just like yeah, um, you know.
My therapist at the other day she goes she basically
said like, I'm not your pastor I'm not your you know.
You're like God, She's like, I need you to usually
you have to confide in your friends with some of
that that you're telling me, because if not, you're going
to continue to repeat the patterns. And she's like, because
I I don't see you every single day, I don't
(14:06):
know what you're doing. I don't see I just see you,
you know, once a week or every other week. So
it's like, if you can't acknowledge some of the things
that like you're either doing wrong or that you want
to share, like you're not gonna grow because your friends
can't hold you accountable. I thought that was like pretty
interesting thought too. Yeah. Yeah, I mean you're basically moderating
your behavior, right, or modulating moderating You're you're basically mitigating
(14:30):
the damage. Right. You're thinking about how how to be
how to hold yourself accountable, right, because you don't want
to be relying on this therapist to hold you accountable
or your friends. You want to be accountable like now,
I know sometimes I'm like, oh, I want to like
things cly out of my mouth a lot, And now
I'm like, don't say that, Like it's not necessary. It
(14:52):
might be funny, but it's not necessary. You don't need
to prove that, like, you know, in this moment. And
that's been a really great, like kind of direction for
me because I just it's nice to be able to
edit yourself and to be like, you don't you don't
have to be make yourself be funny in this moment.
I don't have anything to prove, you know. It's always
kind of ego driven when we do that, and once
(15:14):
you can identify, oh, this is me acting in my
ego instead of acting in compassion love, blah blah blah.
Then you're like, Okay, I don't want to do that
all the time, you know. And when I'm on stage,
I go off because that's what people want, and I
have a lot to say, and that's a good place
for it, you know, ranting and raving about the state
of the world or the state of men and why
they can't understand what they did was wrong for the
(15:35):
last you know, well since the beginning of time. Um
and uh, you know you can that's a that's a
great um medium for that. But you know, in real life, yeah,
it's always about breaking patterns. And you know what the
great news is, it takes so little time to rehabituate yourself.
Like it's so it takes like three or four days
(15:56):
of doing something every day before it becomes something you
want to do. And so that's what's the good news is,
like everyone is possible, has the possibility to change. I
know I did, and if I did, I mean I'm
a hardhead and I have very strong opinions. And you know,
all of my friends and all of my family have
seen the change in me. You know, I went on vacation.
(16:16):
This is a great example. I went on vacation with
my family like two summers ago in COVID. The first
COVID summer, we went to Martha's Vineyard because everyone had
been locked in their houses for like the last six
to eight months. I was like, let's go to Martha's
unior for two weeks instead of one. And that was
a mistake. My family on vacation for two weeks with
my eight nieces and nephews. I wanted to blow my
(16:37):
brains out by the end of the week. You know,
I've been working very hard in my life to remain
childless and alone for a very specific reason. So I
don't know what I was thinking, but it was it was.
It wasn't good. So I left that vacation and I
was like, you know what, I've had it like if
these And I wrote this email to everyone, to all
the kids, to all my brothers and sisters, and I
was like, here are the rules moving forward. This vacation
(17:00):
is not required or you know, you know, um a given.
It's a choice I make every year, and it's an
expensive one. So I need to make sure that everyone
says please thank you. We look people in the eye.
If there's somebody working at our house, you don't walk
past them without saying anything. Blah blah blah. All these
just like basic remedial reminders of how to be a
(17:21):
human being. But but the first draft of that letter
was like yeah, you know, you like don't and then
you know, and then it went to like it went
through three four drafts, and then it finally was like,
dear family, like I love I named every one of them,
(17:43):
and like, you cannot, I love you. It would be impossible.
But moving forward, we have to we have to, uh,
you know, behave a little bit better and a little
bit more gracious. And I went through, you know, a
list of things, but just just from therapy like that
letter would have been, and it was received so all.
By the time I sent the real thing, my whole
family was like, oh my god, we're so sorry. You know,
(18:05):
we won't we don't ever want you to feel that
way after a vacation and and blah blah blah. So
that was a perfect example of me being able to
kind of edit myself, you know, and say it with
love instead of saying with anger. And how good does
that feel? Too? Because like I I know that I've
I'm doing. I'm really trying hard to make sure that
I do things differently this go around with you know,
just everything in my life, and it's been nice to
(18:27):
I even I'd called Catherine um uh the other day
and I was like, I just did something right for
the first time that I've never done before, and I
just had to share it because I'm actually proud of myself,
like how I handled the situation that I normally would
not have handled like that in the past. Having said that, though,
I do feel now because that was a while ago,
I do feel like now I'm in a place where
(18:48):
I kind of want to get back out there and
date slowly. So what is your best advice to getting
back out there and dating in the world slowly? I mean,
I don't know if I should be giving anybody dating advice.
I mean, my track record isn't that great. But like
you're happy though, that's the thing, right, Well, I'm happy
because yes I am, I am happy, but I have
(19:09):
a happy disposition and I don't have the other thing,
like I wake up and I'm pretty like rare and
to go, um, then that's also part of your personality.
And you know what I learned on One thing that
I learned in therapy was like, hey, you you're born
with a personality. There's nothing you can do about that,
so you need to lean into it and embrace it,
right the best parts of it. You're not going to
(19:30):
change your personality. I still have the same thoughts I
used to have. I just don't act on them and
I don't respond to them, you know, I'm just like, oh,
I'm not necessary that kind of thing. So so it's
always about I think, embracing all of the great things
that you have and highlighting those, you know, Instead of
embracing all the qualities you have, you could just kind
of look at yourself and you know what works for
(19:51):
you and what brings people in and what spreads kind
of like joy and sunshine, and operate with you know,
with that more in your front feet then in your
back feet. I just wish I was more like E though,
because you say, you know, I mean, I'm obviously I
love my children. I would never take that back. But
when you say that, you've you know, you've your whole
thing was like, you want to be childless and alone,
but do you really, at the end of the day
(20:12):
want to be alone? Are you trying to find that
person to be with you? Yes, I would be with someone,
but you know there and I am with someone right now,
and there is like yeah, but they have to be
in addition, they cannot subtract, you know, there can be
no subtraction. You cannot be a distraction in a negative way,
because I've been in those relationships to where you know,
(20:33):
everything is about them and everything is about your relationship
and you're so obsessed and you're so that's great and all,
but not when it has like a kind of a
negative when there's not trust or there's not respect, all
of those things. And so now I'm with someone, yeah,
and I and I'm you know, it's new, but it's
a much. I mean, I'm so different that it's like
(20:53):
I'm in control of the situation instead of the situation
being in control of me. How do I how do
you do that? Because that's what I need, because that's
where I'm like, it's now I feel like I'm in this,
you know that not I don't want to play games.
I don't want to. I don't know how to. I
just don't know how to do it. I don't know
how to date. I mean, it was married for seven years.
You know, I don't remember, and I don't want to
be the twenty year old dater that I was, Like
that was right, but I mean, I don't know, are
(21:15):
you opposed to I mean, who would how would you date?
Would you go on like Riya or would you have
friends set you up? Like what would be your first inclination?
I mean, I'm I'm open to I'm open to all things.
All my friends are married. And you know, you're not
the first person who's been single and doesn't remember how
to date. Like this is everyone's story, right, So you
(21:36):
all you have to do is just start the action
of doing it, Like it's one step, one little baby
step takes you to the water. You know, you just
have to make the move to do it, Like go on, Ryan,
I go on a date, even if it's just for practice,
like practice dating so that you get better at it,
and then it becomes not a big deal and it's
not like this mountain of like, oh my god, I
don't know, I've never been on a date before. It's
(21:57):
not that serious. It's just dating, you know, and when
you fall in love, yeah that can be serious, but
that's also you know, you just again. I mean, it's
like my view about cannabis, like I'm in control. Cannabis
isn't in control of me. I'm in control of cannabis.
Although I do have a good story. Yesterday my friend
was over and went into my refrigerator to take some
lemonade and uh, and she came out and she was
(22:21):
like that lemonade is so delicious, and I was like,
I don't have lemonade in my house. And it was
cannabis lemonade. And she drank half the bottle and and
she had taken a suit offen because she had allergies.
And so then we went to lunch and she just
literally was her tears were streaming down her face, and
I was like, what is wrong with you? I what
I forgot about the cannabis, of course, And first of all,
(22:42):
no one should go on my refrigerator and think that
they're going to find something that's not spiked that's on her.
We went to lunch and she's just she's like, I
don't know, the suit of fed is acting so weird.
I don't She's like, I'm getting so loopy. And then
I saw her grab a French fry from the basket
of fries. When was a whole plate of French fries
on her plate, Like her plate was filled with them.
(23:03):
And I was like, wait a second, I know that
you were high. Wait how do I get more food
that's already in my mouth? How do I get more
of it? Um? Yeah, So she had a rough day
yesterday and I was very happy to be her support system. Um,
that's just a little side story. I love that, you know.
Maybe that's what I need to do. I need to
(23:24):
start smoking weed to just chill the Yeah, you need
to chill out a little bit. You need to get
some or take some microjose And you don't have to
get we doesn't have to make you blottoed like that.
You can just take like a blueberry that's five milligrams
or two and a half milligram mint. You know they
have those mints. What are they called? Um? How about
this the next the next time that um I come,
(23:44):
because we we went and saw you and zany As.
Was it last year? Yeah? I think it was. It
was after it was after COVID or no, wasn't before
after COVID was before? Okay? Yeah, we me and my
girls we went to to go see you and um,
it was an amazing show. But next time you come
back to anis or wherever tea back, um, I will
I will hit you up and be like, okay, like
(24:05):
you have to be the first person to like help
me with that. That's trying, not that I do. I'll
take care of you. I'm very good like that. I'm
good with people in there and and first time cannabis users. Okay, great,
because I'm gonna be like, am I gonna because I'm
such a I'm not a control freak. Maybe I am.
I don't know, but I just don't like to be
out of control. So right right, that's called a control freak. Yeah,
(24:29):
it's fine, fabulous. Okay, So you are on tour right now?
Are you an horny? That's my tour name, vaccinated and
horny stop? But I love it. Are you freaked out
at all about going back out because I know some
people are canceling shows and stuff, which, yeah, I mean
vaccinations are required at my shows, so you know that's
basically the deal. And they're all with Live Nation, well
(24:53):
not all of them, but you know Live Nation and
made it a requirement for any ticket holders to be vaccinated.
So no, I'm gonna go forward with a tour. Like said,
I feel really strongly that this is just such an
important time to be showing up for people and giving
them something to laugh about. And I know it is
a scary time with COVID, so I'm we're just taking
it one day at a time and if things get
really really bad, I mean, luckily, my audience is mostly vaccinated,
(25:14):
you know. I most of the people coming to see
me are are doing that. So but we will definitely,
you know, take it day by day. But it's just fun.
I opened the stand up Barbara Bull this weekend for
the first time in two years. It was their first show.
It was so beautiful. They had this big blue moon
you know, out and then when the sun went down,
it's this huge amphitheater. It was just the vibes were
(25:35):
just so good that I was like, oh my god,
I just cannot wait, you know, to do this, and
I'm going to like, I'm going all over Ohio, Florida.
We'll see, Yeah, they're gonna love you in Florida. I
know you have to find your little liberal pockets and
progressive pockets, but I think like anything goes that's what's
(25:56):
so great about I feel like being a comedian and
I don't know, because I'm not funny at all, but
like when it comes to like you guys can say
what every like, you don't have to be politically correct.
Like That's why I think it's fun to go to
those shows too, because it's just it's so nice to
laugh and then even around things that you can just
say whatever you want, like how freeing is that? Well,
you can't say whatever you want because you know you
can't do that anymore. And I like those parameters. You know,
(26:19):
we're not making fun of people anymore just for the
sake of a cheap joke. You're it's forcing comedians to
be a little bit more clever and a little bit
sharper about their material. And I welcome that challenge, like
I always want to be challenged. First of all, I'm
a complete hot mess, chaotic, So if you have give
me boundaries, that's great because then I can go into
that little plate then and just blow it up, you know.
(26:39):
So I like, I like any sort of like um,
like um, how how would I say it? Like you know,
when in school, like when you when they give you
like okay, these are the rules, It's like okay, okay, okay.
If I have the rules within the rules, anything goes.
So that's kind of how I operate at my at
my best, probably I need a little bit of like, um,
(27:00):
you know, responsibility enforced upon me. And then where can
people get the tickets at? Actually you can get him
at Chelsea Handler dot com. You can get him at
live nation dot com. Yeah, and then your podcast, which is, um,
like what can people expecting to listen to your podcasts
and therapy sessions? Like you said what, well, basically yeah,
it's just basically like what you and I just talked about,
(27:22):
people call in for well, I it was an advice
podcast because I just love Dear Abbey when I was
growing up and reading that, and I was like, you
know what, they wanted me to do a podcast, and
I was like, I just have to think of the
right thing. And then I thought, you know, I'm like
that in life. I'm always the advice giver or like
the crisis manager. I I thrive in a crisis. I'm
able to go in and like, you know, handle it
(27:43):
and help my friends stand up and be a little
bit braver and a little bit stronger. So we've had
some really meaningful calls or callers call in. One guy
called in he was getting high way too much and
felt like he he had lost his tolerance. And I
was like, why don't you take thirty days off and
I'll do it with you, And we both had like
a thirty day cleanse of like no pot smoking. And
(28:03):
at the end of the thirty days he called back
in and he had come out to his family as
trans I mean clearly he was just smoking pot to
just you know, not feel not feel, not feel. He
had come up to his family, he came up to
his friends. I mean, his whole life transformed in thirty days.
And it was like wow, I mean, so those things,
you know, when people kind of come back and check
(28:23):
in with us and let us know like the progress
they've made or if they've acted on the advice we've given.
And but it's all basically about self esteem, and you know,
comparing yourself to others. You know, everyone gets lost in
this game that we're all in where you look around
and you think you're not good enough or pretty enough,
or smart enough, for funny enough, because somebody else is
doing something a little bit better or different than you are,
(28:44):
and you know that's that's ego too. We all have
to just like that's not healthy, you know. I don't
want to sit and scroll down TikTok or Instagram for
an hour a day. I don't want to be like that.
I want to be present. I want to be Chelsea
Handler right now, right, I just all, I just I've
appreciate everything you've said, and um, I I love you
and I want everyone not to go out intee your
(29:05):
show and I'll obviously promote all of it at the
end too, but just thank you for coming on and
sharing your wisdom and your weed and everything else. So anytime, anytime.
You're so sweet, And if you know anyone, you know,
I'm just hook a girl up. Okay, and you're in Nashville.
Is that where you are? Yeah, but I'm willing to travel. Okay,
there are some hotties in Nashville, so you shouldn't have
(29:27):
to travel too far. I'll put the word out with
my feelers. Okay. Thanks Chelsee, you're the best dating dating
girl ever. Um, You're the best. Thank you so much, Chelseie,
Thank you. Girls. Have a great day. Girl By she's
(29:53):
so funny, you know, it was the funniest is like
one of the things is the emails. I that is
so me. That is like me to a t because
you have family. But it's like I feel like I
have slight like a little better in the emails where
I don't because my thing is and I think you
can definitely attest to this, but I'm like, that's absolutely
(30:16):
not happening. And then I'm like, and then I'll send
another one, and then another one and then another one
and then so it's like five emails. It's like, why
can't I just take a second collect my thoughts and
then put it all on one email. It starts with
I do that too sometimes, but it starts with absolutely not.
It ends with I'll do it right now. Just wait?
Do you literally just waked? Because Katherine's always like I
(30:38):
need you to redo. I'm like and then it's like
and now I'm just yeah, that is true, I am
doing that. And then you're great, I'm proud of you. Thanks,
But I'm trying so something. This is gonna be so stupid,
not stupid, but um, I was in church yesterday and
I really wanted to stay because they were doing did
(30:59):
you go No? They were doing um this and this
is this, this is like such a squirrel moment and
I apologize and I don't know, maybe maybe someone needs
to hear it. I'm not really sure the Lord of speaking,
so I'm here for it. No, but um so I
I don't know. I think getting back into the because
(31:20):
here's the deal and Mark, you'll love this because this
is and we'll not juicy. But like, I think I'm
at the place now where I'm actually ready to put
my feet back out there. And it's not because I
saw a picture of Mike moving on. It's not because
of this. It's like I just I know that I
still have a lot of work to do, but I
also am like I'm I'm I'm I'm open to it,
knowing I still have a lot of healing to do,
(31:42):
but I'm open to dating and like finding out who
my person is and who like and not like knowing
that I don't have to be with someone. Um that
I'm okay alone, Like I've gotten to that place, like
I am okay alone, but that yeah, like I we
all know, I like companionship and I'd love to find
(32:03):
someone that can I can have companionship with, but they
I need them to check all the boxes at the
end of the day, like there's I'm not going to
continue on something, which is you know what, I just
I'm not going to do that. Okay, I get you said.
They have to add they have to be added value
to your life, right and if not, like, there's no
point in me keeping someone around if I don't feel
(32:24):
like they're going to be the end alb all, because
then I'm just it's it's just not fair to them.
It's not fair to my healing process. It's not And
then that's just repeating a pattern that I would have
done in the past. What's the time frame? Where are
we right now? How long has it been that you've
been on your own, um, like a month or so?
Like I mean like since Mike, yeah, oh since April
(32:45):
so um April made so four months? Are you signing
off on this being ready to find someone? I'm not
saying like and I think seriously like I wanted to
late slowly, I wanted to date, but she's not. She's
never been a great data. That's what I'm saying. Like,
(33:08):
I'm not I'm gonna go I Well, here's the thing too,
when are we going with this? We started with church,
never get to church. I'm just saying like I I'm
not going to just continue to hang with someone if
not like again, like I'm okay to like snip things
off like I have, Like if I don't see it going,
I'm not going to write back or I'm not gonna
I'm just it's I don't have time. I've got kids,
(33:29):
Like I'm more worried about the other way. I'm more
worried about you all of a sudden, being head over
heels's the greatest. I can't do that, which I guess
I have done that in the past. Yes before, Yes,
my marriage before, Yes, I have done that. Why I've
been very clear about that. But now it's like I've
got kids, I've got responsibilities, and I need to be
(33:53):
careful with that. And also someone said this to me.
They're like, you need to stop putting yourself on trial,
like they need to be on trial. Yeah that's good. Yeah,
And I thought that was like so interesting because I
was telling her about a situation or somebody or whatever,
and she was just like, you are the prize, Like
(34:14):
you have to stop putting this person like you need
to opening yourself on trial, like you need to look
at what did you do wrong? What like what I
did wrong? Like am I good enough? Am I pretty enough?
Am I successful enough? Like it's like, you know, no, no,
are they going to fit into her life? Are they
good enough for you? Like? And I've never looked at
it that way, and it kind of and and so
(34:37):
that leads into them. My church thing was because I
just started to feel, you know, especially seeing the stuff
with it's not easy to see the acts with somebody
or whatever, and so I started to be like, man,
like I'm not pretty enough or I'm not good enough again,
and so um, I went into church and I'm so
(34:58):
glad that I went, but it was, um, they did
do this thing at the very end of like for
the first time. They're like, we don't usually do this,
but like if if you can stay, um, it'd be
really nice. Um, We're gonna pray and God's gonna say
something to you, whatever you need to hear. And I
was like, I really want to sit here and listen
to this, but I can't because I gotta bring the
kids back home. So I'm like, so he's like, if
(35:20):
you have to get up and leave, get up and leave.
And like every part of me like wanted to stay
because I'm like what is my message? God? Like what
are you trying to tell me right now? Like what,
like what what is it? And because I'm just like
wanting that, like that answer or like what he's like
wanting for me. So then I was just like I
can't do it. And then I think I didn't even
want to hear it. So then I was like, okay,
I gotta get the kids because we went to the
(35:41):
later service that day. So then I come out with
the kids and this random girl just stops me and
she's like I just have to tell you that you
are so beautiful and that you are just so worthy
of love, and I was just like I literally started bawling.
I was like how did this? I was like holy wow.
It was like the coolest like experience ever. Like I
(36:04):
just like started like she's probably like what why is
she going? But I was just like it's what I
needed to hear. And then I walked away from and
being like, you know what I am like and I
don't need to like saddle, I don't need to like
I'm good either way. And I think that was kind
of like my turning point where I was like, okay,
like you know, I am like someone will be lucky
one day to be with me a man. I think
(36:26):
we can all agree on that, for sure, I know,
but I'm still like I have little asters like and
I say that, and I'm like, well, you know, but
maybe like I know, and then I let it, like
the voices creep in again. Stop there. But this woman
is a fan. She's a fan of your work or what.
How does she know you? She doesn't. She just saw
me walking out with the kids and she was in
one of those um like one of the helper ladies
or whatever, and then she just randomly stopped me and
(36:48):
said that I've never seen her before. I don't like,
I just know that she she had like a little
tag on, but like she didn't need to stop me.
I think God knew you needed to hear, but you
weren't going to stay And that's something he put her message. Yeah,
but anyways, I thought I wanted to share that. So
that's cool. Listen to listen to the messages that people
(37:09):
send you because it might be a higher power message.
Did you want to get back to the habitually late
topic that we were talking about earlier. I actually would
love to because I I honestly that would be a
deal breaker for me. I couldn't be with someone that
would would be always late because I could see me
just like fighting with the person that would drive me crazy.
(37:31):
Like that's going to be one of the boxes. If
you can't do it, I'm on checking the box. Yeah,
I'm here for that one. To these people, I think
you're stretching. I think that there can be very good
if a guy checks every other box, but he runs
a little bit late. I think like five minutes or
like an hour. There's a big difference. I would say
five to ten minutes regularly. And it's for that same
(37:54):
reason he starts probably getting out of the house. Oh
my gosh. She gets halfway there and he realized I
had trouble getting out of the house for like serious,
I didn't. I'm sorry, but like what, well, that's a
very good point, patience. Meanwhile, you've gotten all the kids
stuff situated, and you're like, yeah, you probably kicked out
(38:16):
his clothes, right, like no reason, I don't know, but yeah,
I think it's a respect thing. So and I apologize
for being disrespectful this morning and rushing, but I have
overbooked myself on this day. We were we were always
thrilled to get you whenever we can get you. And
it wasn't a terrible thing. And also it's not like
(38:37):
we're sitting in a studio waiting for you. We're houses anyway,
so it's no big deal. I mean, but still I
don't like it. It's an anxiety and I'm like kind
of like, how kind of feels okay? Fine? But it's okay.
It's better than the old days when we heard their
running a leg and we're like, oh, they're fighting me
(38:57):
a tough one today, poor mom. Those were brutal and
for everybody involved. God, I'm so much happier, and so
just keep any emails. We do have one actually, yes,
is from Oakley, which by the way is a fantastic
(39:18):
because it could be a girl or a guy. I
don't think i've ever heard that name before anyway, great name,
Oakley says. My husband and I were going through a
rough patch for about a year. We went on a
friend trip with about eight of us to Florida, and
when we got back, I found out he had kissed
my very good also married friend, a drunken kiss that
(39:40):
they both snapped out of, and we're like, this cannot happen.
Given the loveless state we were in, I chose to
forgive him because my friend was also at the lowest
of the lows in her marriage, suffering from almost the
same thing. About a week after I found out, working
through issues, arguing, anger, etcetera, my husband invited that friend
to a bar to t talk about everything and basically
(40:01):
vent to her that he's losing his marriage and what
should he do. They talked and my friend ended up
telling me that the next thing she told me that
she kissed him again as they were leaving the bar.
This was early June and I'm still working through everything
with my husband and my friend. Do you have any
advice on this? I feel, Oh, there's so many boundaries broken,
(40:26):
like there's no reason. Well, okay, the first part is
just wrong, but the second part again going to a
bar afterwards, Like there's that so many boundaries broken, Like
there's no reason that they needed to go back to
a bar to have a conversation. You are inviting trouble,
You were inviting something bad to happen, and that's so
disrespectful on both of their sides. I would be pissed
(40:50):
at my friend. I'd have a hard time being friends
with her because I like, no, I I there's no way,
there's no way I couldn't do it. No, No, she's
not your friend, right, I mean, how is that a friend?
You wouldn't I mean, not one of my friends would
do that, not one, No, never, that's never. Okay, let's
(41:10):
start with the drunken kiss. Now. I feel like, Okay,
they were in a really bad place. The other couple
is in a really bad place. I also wonder how much,
because I am a non drinker, I wonder how much
infidelity is preceded by alcohol consumption, because I think it's
a pretty darn high percentage of my husband was stunkelds
over and all of them. Okay, well that's that's and
(41:32):
that's you. But like some people say to me, I
would never did a guy who's a non drinker. And
I feel like I have to stand up for the
non drinkers because I am one, and I always say, like,
you never have to worry about him getting drunk and
doing something stupid like this husband did. But I agree
that going back to the bar with her as you're
still healing from the first betrayal, I think that was
a major misstep. And that was a sober decision. Yeah,
(41:56):
that's making the decision to go to the bar alone.
Bad bad, bad, bad bad bad. And also, at the
end of the day, a guy is going to cheat.
And this is what I've learned. Whether they are drunk,
whether they are or stone colds over, they will cheat regardless.
So I mean they will, like, if they're going to cheat,
it's going to be it doesn't matter how much they've
had to drink. I think that's the biggest excuse. And
(42:17):
just like you know have saying well, I've got an addiction,
like no, like that. At the end of the day,
it is a choice. You are making a choice to
do something that is inappropriate and wrong. And also they
make a choice to they make the choice far before
they actually do it. I feel like so much cheating
has to be set up, and him going to that
(42:38):
bar was making the decision to cheat. Like, I think
that was absolutely his making the decision that this that
who knows, maybe okay, so again, I don't know, Maybe
that's everything. It's inviting a woman back to your hotel room.
Oh it just happened, going to the hotel bar with
somebody on a business trip. Oh it just happened, doesn't
just happen. It is set up in advance, yea. And
those are boundaries you do not go back to their
(42:59):
like no, like I'm sorry. It's like there's no reason
that should have happened. And I could never be friends
with that friend again. She chose to go to the bar.
I think I can't get about that, like like no, no, no, no,
no no, and she kissed her like no, I'm sorry,
like no, And I would not trust that he wouldn't
do that again with somebody else. So and I was
(43:19):
telling a friend this too, and this is like probably
bad advice because as someone always asked, like do you
believe in the good fight? And you know obviously the book,
I'm like, of course I do what I wrote, yes,
having said that, when someone has that trade, that's a
very hard thing to gain any trust back whatsoever, or
to always wonder and then if if they for them
(43:41):
to do it again, because if they can do that,
like it's in their nature to do that again, right,
kind of like the ones a cheater always a cheater thing.
And now I will say, you know, I'm like defending
myself in the past, but like you know, I think
again I do think people can change? Having said that,
when you were in a marriage and a committed marriage,
and that is the choice that you're making, Clearly something's up,
(44:03):
and I just think it will happen again. So you
have to ask yourself, do I want to be here
in five years because I always think back, I'm like, man,
I should have left my ex a long time ago.
Having said that, you know, we have you know now,
a second beautiful child. But so it's like, yeah, sure,
give it, give it a try, but just know in
five ten years, this most likely could happen again. And
(44:25):
then you're gonna ask yourself, Damn, I wish I just
wasted ten years in my life. So the friendship should
be over right, right. Neither of you should have any
more contact with this friend. In my opinion, he should
not text her, talk to her, look at her, nothing
like that's only going to be a trigger for her.
How could they even possibly, you know, reconcile if they're
(44:47):
together all the times, right, right, And so two separate things.
That's the one. And then with the husband, if you
want to try to work it out for whatever reason,
time spends already, the kids, whatever it is, work it out.
But jann is warning you you're gonna have these feelings
again in the future. And I will let me asktrict
what I what I just said. I do believe people
can change. I do believe people can make mistakes. That person, though,
(45:09):
has to show up like they're King Superman and and
you know, so does the other person to like try
to trust. But you watch, you sit back, and you watch.
If their patterns are not changing their behaviors or not changing,
run for the freaking hills. I do know a few
people that have been able to change. You know, their
marriages from infidelity, and you know that that man or
(45:29):
that woman was committed to changing and doing the work.
But very few get that opportunity. And now I'm now
I see that. But again, if if if I would
have sat back and watched, I would have seen repeated patterns.
And it's like, those are your signs to leave that.
I'm sorry's are nothing without actions. It's all I have
(45:50):
to say about that. I'm sorry. I'm really passionate. No,
I'm so happy to hear these things. It's true. I'm
fired up. Okay, I have nothing else to say. I
see the signs leeve just saying okay, Catherine, Okay, sorry,
I can just let it go. Bye bye,
Host
Jana Kramer
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