The Talk with Chrishell Hartley

Jana and Mike got hit with an unexpected parenting challenge: how to explain death to Jolie? Chrishell Hartley from "Selling Sunset" stops by. She addresses explaining uncomfortable topics to kids. She opens up about what life is like as an actress married to another famous actor (Justin Hartley). And we hear about her struggle with homelessness early in life. Plus, Mike shares his "marriage dealbreaker", and Jana is not happy with the answer. 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Right, everybody, Yes, wind down with Jane Kramer, Michael Coos
and the name change. It's like a fish um and
Michael Casson. It's like official, Oh dad, Dad didn't get

(00:26):
either abbreviation mode. I hung out with Julie too late
last night, so yeah, that's true. I was breaking up
all my words. It's out um real fast. We just
got to thank everyone that came out to the podcast
tour because it was insane, mark like crazy, it was nuts.

(00:49):
I mean, the crowd was amazing. Everyone asked awesome questions, interaction.
I felt like we were comedians but also therapists. And
then I sang songs. It was it was the coolest
the three day thing we've ever done. Shout out to
everyone that went because it was insane and just I
loved every second of it. Jinn and New York, Boston,

(01:11):
everyone showed up and it really just it felt like
a party every night, like it was crazy. Like after
the whole run, Jane and I are just in the
back of the bus like what just happened. We just
couldn't believe people showed up. It was cool. It was
really cool. Could you do this show in a room
three other people? Like if anybody's listening to it and
then you go and all these people are there cheering
for you, that's so great. It was crazy and people

(01:31):
like laughed. It was I don't know, it's just like
people laugh. They did, they laughed, and I don't want
to say some of the bits. But like our opening song,
we can't talk about it just in case if we
do another a few dates, because the opening song that
Michael walks out too is hilarious. It's perfect. It's the
funniest thing ever. But again, sorry, Mark, we can't share
because those are only for the live viewers, but they

(01:55):
know what we're talking about. Uh. I'm really excited because
we're about to move. Yeah we are. You're sad? Um
I am getting sad? Yeah? Why well because because it's
here and it's gonna be and miserable and natural. Yeah. Same.

(02:18):
Michael's driving his truck cross country in a few days,
so it's gonna be interesting. Yeah, that'd be fun. Me
two dogs and my brother. Well, I've got the kids
four days, so which one? Yeah, Ganna keeps throwing that
at me. He's like, I'm gonna be stick with the kids.
I'm like, if you want to switch by all means
go drive two thousand miles across country. No, I would
love to be the passenger because I would want to
stop along the way and see things like I would

(02:38):
want to do the Grand Canyons again and do that
route and then maybe, I don't know, just stop at
like all the cool little touristy things like the big
hay ball or hey thing, the world's biggest ball of
yarn that I just find that stuff super interesting, and like,
I don't know, they'd be such quality time. And I
know you also love quality time. I love quality time.

(03:00):
But yeah, I drew the short straw. I don't. You're
riding with your brother that, which I think is really cute.
Michael has a brother that's fourteen years younger than him,
so he's about to graduate high school. So before he
goes off to college, him and I are going to
have this road trip together, which is gonna be a
really cool memory. Are you guys gonna, you know, talk
about I'm sure he's already had the He've already had

(03:21):
the sex talk with him. He's eighteen yet. Oh and
his parents did find condoms right? Yes? Oh god Jack good.
He doesn't listen, No, he doesn't well on your drive, y'all.
It's funny. It's probably not even his friends, his teachers
probably listen. Oh gosh, I just okay, let me talk

(03:45):
about this really fast. We're at I was at a
friend's house and the kids were playing and I don't
know what to do. Mark, this is interesting. I kind
of want you to pipe him because you have kids older.
So it was arranged so Jolie's three, one of the
girls was for one of the boys was five, and
I took a call in the other room because I
was kind of the mom that was staying down stairs

(04:07):
with the kids, and all of a sudden, the kids like,
do you want to live? Or do you want me
to kill you? Do you want to die? And I'm like,
he didn't just say that, and so I walked back
in the room and he's just like, you can go
to heaven or I can kill you. You guys want
to die? And I just thought that was super inappropriate, right, Yeah,
I'd be horrified, but okay, I go, whoa wha, I go,
you can't. I was like, that's very inappropriate language, and

(04:29):
he's like, no, it's not, and I said, yes, it is.
Um our daughter, my daughters three. I don't want her
hearing that, so please stop talking about the D word.
Thank you. But then I started thinking about it, like
should they know death? And like that's the thing. What
age you're talking? He doesn't really know what that means.
He's five, he's five, so he said, I believe he's five. Yeah, right,

(04:51):
so that's that age. Words. You're impressionable, right, so you
probably hear something. Well, the girls were like laughing. I'm like,
that's not funny. We're not laughing about death guys because
they don't know what They don't really understand. Yeah, but
the way he was saying, he's like, I'm going to
kill you. Oh. I mean, regardless of understanding or not,
he needs to know not to say that period ever.
Where is he hearing that? That's exactly like kids. That's

(05:12):
what I'm just scared of. And those kids know things
sooner now. But to say I'm going to kill you,
that's the thing that's up to the parents. That's that's parenting.
That's what that is. It's not not parenting. Like if
your kid ends up saying that you did a bad job,
but if you don't talk about it and fix that,

(05:33):
then that's bad. Parenting and like it. It just made
me really uncomforma. But a lot of those things have
come up over the years where something will come up
with like, oh, we don't talk about that, But then
in the back of my mind, I'm like, should we
be talking about that? Should they know about because I mean,
that's one of the saddest things about being a parent,
in my opinion, is when they realize that the world
isn't rainbows and unicorns. When they're three, everything's wonderful in

(05:57):
the world. The world is parks and play dates and
chicken nuggets and television and everything is great. And then
they start to realize that there was a nine eleven
and that there are people who shoot people and kill
them in public places, and that's the stuff that when
they start to realize that stuff, it's heartbreaking. Yeah, but
when are they ready for that? And when do you
talk about this? When shielding from that? And should you

(06:19):
ever shield them from that? And that's the part I've
always had a hard time. Um, we've shielded them from that.
We made the decision to kind of keep that away
from them, and then they kind of will learn about
it in school, they'll learn about it in the world
and then come home and ask us about it, then
we can talk about it. I don't know if that's
the best thing. It may not be, but I think
I think to your point, I see why it would

(06:40):
be the best thing, because if you and your wife
have offered in inviting him, a yeah, a comfortable environment
for them to bring those kind of things to you,
then I think that backs up y'all's kind of theory
behind it. Now, if you didn't, if you didn't have
a comfortable household for them to bring up stuff with
you and didn't talk about it, then there's no room
for them, right, there's no space for them to discuss it.

(07:01):
Like Sandy Hook, we kept from them very very carefully
because that was a long time ago, they were very young.
We were really really careful about that. We actually left
in the middle of a church service because the pastors
started going there were let's go here, we all, let's
go kids here. We But since then, now when they happen,
because they won't stop happening, uh, they they hear about

(07:22):
it at school, so we have to address it right away.
So it's just I think it's situational to My wife
went to a seminar recently that was specifically about sex
talk and how do you do that with your kids?
And the main lesson from the teacher or whatever you
call them was that, um, when they come to you
with questions, you answer them honestly, and it's no big
deal because it scares us because when they come to

(07:45):
us and to ask a question that we can feel
like it's completely inappropriate about specific sexual acts. I don't
know what that is, you know, that's our instinct. That's guy,
I don't want to talk about that. But that's not
the right move. The right move is yeah, that's what
this this and yeah, people do it to make a
big deals. We know it's crazy. So I I this

(08:06):
isn't a plug. But I partnered with a company of
Committee for Children and it was all about kids. Ninety
what was it was? It was nine. It was like
of kids know their abuser. It when we're like we're
going sexual which is like the whole stranger danger thing,
like that's not even a that's that's actually a myth.
And I was myth. This is not as impactful as

(08:28):
people that are close to you. Well, no, I mean
I was taught stranger danger. Well, yeah, I think you
all are which people they should kids should still not
go with a stranger. I should still understand that. But
that's talking to your kids about like how to it
was it's actually really cool if guys should look. It's
called the Hot Chocolate Talk dot Org, but it's about
how to talk to your kids about. Because Jolie pointed

(08:50):
to my privates and I was like, what is that
and I was like, oh, it's Mommy's like who ha,
Like I just made up a name, and I was like,
I probably shouldn't name it. Actually give it the proper name.
That's what we were told to give the name. Ye,
give it the name, give it the yeah, and say
he's got a penis. I don't know if we can
say that on airror, but it's it's just very interesting
because you want kids to be able to talk to you,
but I think it's so awkward and uncomfortable for us

(09:11):
to have those conversations because I'm not ready to talk
to Joli about death. I want her to be I
don't want, which I think is okay. It's hard to
talk about strange you danger because and then I said
well why why, Well, somebody met want people in this
world who might want to take you, and that why
would they want to take me? Well, I don't want
to talk about that part. You know, it's weird. It's
a tough thing. It's just starting to get real complicated

(09:33):
and starting to kind of stress me out a little
bit because I don't want to do it the right
wrong way. I want them to be able to come
and talk to us, but then it's also scary, and
I just I'm like, I don't like, I think I
don't know to do. Kind of what Mark was touching
on is like I feel pretty comfortable and having those conversations.
I honestly don't think I'll be that uncomfortable. I think
it's because it is just you just say it like

(09:55):
it is, because you don't want to make something taboo, right,
you don't want to to create this like secret thing
around it, and then it all of a sudden becomes
that urge for people to do Oh, I want to
do this because it's taboo it's wrong, or and you know,
want them to learn about it from their friends at school, right,
because they're going to get inaccurate information. Absolutely. I don't
know why, but the death thing is just really freaking
me out a really hard time. It's really hard, especially

(10:17):
with today's the environment of today's society, with everything going on,
that's terrifying to hear um and also our girlfriend. I know,
we just like got real negative. We'll bring it back up,
but I just it scares me in today's society because
a very great school in Nashville, where our kids are
most likely going to go to elements or high school.

(10:37):
One of the kids sent a picture because my girlfriend
called and told me this, send a picture to a
friend saying, look how many guns I can fit into
my backpack? Don't go to school tomorrow. Oh my god.
And that isn't a one of the top places school
like their ranked ten in Nashville or Brentwood, And it's like,

(10:58):
holy crap. That's like even I'm like, oh god, I'm
like terrified sandal into school. Yeah, that's one of the things. Actually,
when this came up, Jan and I were talking about it.
We're like the were leaving part to get out of
l A County is you know, the homeless, the chances
of things happening. Just playing the numbers game and if
you think about a terrorist attack, right, it's gonna be
l A, Chicago, New York. You know, big cities, right,

(11:21):
You think the chances of a terrorist attack in Nashville
are you know, smaller than city, right, God willing. But
the school stuff can touch anywhere anywhere, how in freaking Brentwood, Tennessee. Yeah,
it just makes me really sad. And then I'm like,
is it the parents? Is the kids just being funny?

(11:42):
Because that's sort of ended up being the kid just
thought it was funny. That's not whoever thinks that. If
my daughter thinks that's funny, I'm going to I'm in
a ground for the rest of her life. That's not funny.
So the parents and teachers got involved and investigated the situation.
He was joking. I mean, it's not like who thinks
that's fine? Like we're talking to our friend who told

(12:04):
us this. We're like, we all agreed, like that kid
should get locked up for a few days. Just just
give them scared straight, scar him straight, give him twenty
four hours in a cell. Like look, dumbass, I don't
care how how funny you think this is, how old
you are you do this. You gotta pay a little
bit something like a little bit more than a slap
on the wrist, Like this isn't good. It's just it's

(12:24):
just too sensitive. I would expel the kid, yeah, if
I was the principal, because I'm always Michel always makes
fun of me, but I always say, like, in your
right brain, how did you think this was right? Like,
we had an issue with a few things in our house,
so I always like to know people's like thought process.
So my thought process for the kid is like, how
did you think this is funny? Because all these kids
have lost their lives and I don't know, I just

(12:46):
get really upset about that. So anyways, let's talk about happy,
right thing, you're all lighten it up. After the sex thing.
So years ago and my daughter was like two or three,
she was in the bathroom, in the bathtub and she
mentioned her vagina, and then she asked me a question
about my vagina. So I had to say to her,
where's your vaginal? I don't have a vagina, And her
eyes got so big. You don't have a vagina, that

(13:08):
explained her. That's unbelievable. That really freaked her out. All right, No,
I was just gonna say on that kind of topic.
When my brother was little, he was probably fine. No, No,
he was older than that. I don't remember when it was,
but it was when he started to get curious about
the sexual stuff, and my parents gave him this book,

(13:30):
and it just kind of paints the sex thing black
and white, like this is what it is from scientifical
biological standpoint. But then it also has a part in
the book where it has like slang terms for all
of the sexual parts. So my brothers, I don't say,
let's say he's eight years old. He's like walking around
the house saying all the slang woods, slang word. It's
just out loud. And my brother is just one of

(13:50):
those kids who's comfortable in all situations that I'm really
getting comfortable. So he's like a year eight years old
walking around saying all the slang stuff. My parents are
like trying not to die laughing. You know here in
this eight year olds all that stuff. I think that's amazing.
All right, we have an awesome in studio guest today,
Chrissell Hartley. Before we talk to her, though, um let's
take a quick break, all right. So moving back to Nashville,

(14:12):
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(14:34):
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text Janna to Okay. So in studio we have the
gorgeous crystal heartly thank you. You're like genuinely beautiful, Like

(16:03):
you're so pretty. Stop, that's so nice. Thank you so much.
You're so pretty. You're obviously you're pretty well. When you
just see someone from Instagram, I'm like, I'm excited to
me and you you look better in person, if that's possible.
Normally it's the opposite face here. So you were married

(16:25):
to Justin Hartley, Um, how long have you has married for?
We'll be married in October two years, but we'll be
together six six okay. And then you guys met on
a soap right, No, actually you did soap? So I did, okay,
And I was working with one of his best friends
on Days of our Lives um, and he his first
job ever was on Passions and so they were best

(16:46):
friends fashion that was my guilty pleasure. And then it
just ended and I was like, no, I know. So
I was working with his friend on Days of our
Lives and he asked him to kind of like, what's
the deal? You know, she's single and so, um, the
friend is actually a terrible matchmaker because he didn't tell
me that at first, and I went on to date

(17:08):
some really weird um people and then I later on
asked him, Hey, what's the deal with your friend Justin?
He obviously seems single and very handsome. Uh And anyway,
and that's when we figured it all out. And so
if I hadn't asked, we'd give him a hard time,
like right, and how long was he divorced before, you guys?

(17:30):
Two years? Okay? So then Isabella was she was nine
when I came into her. She's the sweetest, by the way, really,
she's so sweet. Hello, Justin. We didn't move it together
years ago. So I'm at the and that's where I
met her daughter, his daughter, y'all's daughter um, and she's

(17:50):
really sweet. But I'm curious, like how that was going
in at that age. So actually I think, um, nine
years old was that. I don't know every everyone at
the person's experience, but I can only speak from mine.
It was a great age because she looked at me
and she liked my dress and she liked my hair
and she's pretty. Yeah. So and I used to be
a camp counselor and the little girls were like that

(18:12):
same age group perfect. So it was kind of an
easy fit in the beginning. And then you know, it's not.
You know, you go through different things throughout when they
start to grow and those kind of things. But I
will say the beginning, I feel like I got um,
I got out a little easy because she was just
so enthralled with you know, my purse or my shoes
or my hair. So I had an easy audience. How

(18:34):
has the co parenting been with the other Yes, um,
so you know, I feel like she's looking and you know,
you know, well, I feel like probably a lot of
your listeners are gone through the same thing, and it's
a process. You know, it doesn't it's not always um
something that's like the easiest thing, and then you learn
and you grow and everyone kind of like gets their

(18:56):
own boundaries and as time goes on, then it, um
it ends up just being your normal and hopefully that's
something that you know you wanted to be healthy for
the child obviously, so that's if that's everyone's goal, then
you've you've got it made. And how is it when
you when you are in that situation kind of getting
to the point where because obviously you know, she's a

(19:17):
part of your life and she's your kid too at
this point, right because you're married to Justin, So at
what point did you start to feel where you could
kind of be a disciplinarian and kind of take on
that motherly but not stepping over boundaries, Like I really
feel like that's going to be difficult for it is, uh,
it is, And and I feel like I connect with
any other um, you know, parents in my place because

(19:40):
it's really tough. You know, I have to try and
play like you know, sometimes I'm her friend and she'll
ask me questions that she wouldn't feel comfortable asking her parents.
And so I've had to go from not having kids
to all of a sudden jumping into the like, oh
my god, I've answered some of the most uncomfortable like
coming of age, you know, those kind of questions where

(20:01):
I'm like, Okay, how do I explain to her what
this is? I don't know? Um if I'm allowed to see?
All right, I had to explain what sixty nine was.
We're just talking about this. We just had this talk
in my house. That's so funny. Are you serious? Yes?
Because their friends were talking about it at school and
they came and asked, and we can't say, I don't know,

(20:21):
I have no idea. They go talk to somebody Else's
when your dad faces that you have to draw the diagram,
see how the six and the nine. It's one of
those things. It's like, you're right, it's she they're making
jokes about it at school, so what do you not?
You have to tell her because she's going to figure
it out one way or the other. So it's like, okay,
what's the best way I could explain that? How did

(20:42):
you explain that? Oh? Lord, um, I believe it, please,
because we have a three and a half and a
five month old or six month old. You guys had
a wild so like I need some bullet points, I um,
I said, I believe it was you know, it's um
when someone to kiss someone's private air time exactly. I

(21:06):
tried to make it as clinical as possible. Why why
would anyone want to do that? Actually exactly what she said. Yeah,
when would you say? I said, you got me? People
are so weird. I don't know. That's actually a good response.
And I also like my wife's response when she explained
to her what that was, and don't ever have to

(21:28):
do that, just so you know, that's never something you
have to do, which I thought that was really good.
She explained it like that too. Yeah, exactly like that.
I can't wait to watch you squirm when you have
to tell Joan prontation like that. Stuff just really gets me.
Is just going to throw me into the room and
locked the door behind me. But can you talk to dad?

(21:52):
You got the boy, she's got the girl. That's that's
how it works. Really, Yes, you'll have to tell Jolly,
oh god, I got two girls. It's got free Um okay,
so yeah, I just I mean, that would just be
really hard. I feel like I would be the worst
because when we were thinking about divorcing, um, but I

(22:17):
was I had my number one thing, and this is
what my girlfriend especially Catherine, I said this to a
million times. I was like, I don't want another woman
raising my child. And now, but that's the thing I
And it's nothing against the other woman, because that's also
great for the child to have two strong women too.
But I just looked at it from such a like,

(22:38):
um territorial, like she's mine. But like at the end
of the day, I'm like, what a blessing that Bella
is to be able to have two strong women in
her life. And I think that her true thought. And
I think that's why it is probably a lot tougher
in the beginning, the beginning, until you started it starts
to become your normal. But of course that's that's everyone's
natural instinct. And I think, you know, coming into that
position and knowing that and kind of you know, and

(22:59):
also I'm sure it's difficult for it's you know, it's
just something that you slowly grow and adapt and then
hopefully and luckily that's where we are now, where everything
is we try and all work together, and you know,
it's it's nice to have the extra hands and the
extra help and somebody. Now it's kind of a bonus
where it's like you know, um, you just have more
people involved, and more people that love her, and more

(23:20):
people that are trying to make sure she grows up
to be a wonderful human beings. So it actually is
a positive. But of course in the beginning, I'm sure
many people don't feel that way, and that is totally understandable.
Where does Billa call you? Okay? Because that would be
like something I'd like, you cannot call something I can
see at that at that age and nine years old,
I wouldn't assume that they that she would call you

(23:42):
mom or ever necessarily call you mom. But if it
was in jan in that situation, you know, back when
we talked about divorce, um, you know, if it's an infant,
it's like, how do they not call? Because that's person's
technically you know, from the ground up, don't right, That's
what I'm saying, hard than not call someone who's raising
you a mom or dad? From that age joining when

(24:06):
I did again she was nine, I kind of took
the role of like her her friend and like, so
there are where like if there needs to be disciplined,
that happens a lot of times. I'll just you know,
debrief her dad when he gets home and kind of
like talk to him because I just feel like I
don't know, it's I'm probably not I don't know. Probably

(24:29):
a lot of other people do better than me. I
tiptoe around things because I just don't want to be
um in a position where I am stepping on toes
or whatever. So maybe I veer too far on the
other side of that, but I think it's better safe
than than you know, wishing you hadn't done or said
something I don't know. So before we talk about your
Netflix series, I heard you have a really cute story

(24:50):
about your name. Oh oh god. Um, well, I'll let
you decide it's cute or ridiculous. But um in a nutshell.
So my mother or went into labor um when she
was getting her car worked out. Remember when the shell
station saw it were also a mechanic shop. Yes, okay,
So she was getting her car worked on, and all
of a sudden she goes into labor and the guy

(25:12):
they're helping her, the mechanic he was holding her hand
and calming her down. He called the ambulance. So I
was not born in a shell station. I just have
to clarify. That's kind of what I end up seeing
on the internet. That did not happen, but she wanted
to name me after him because he was so lovely
and his name was Chris. Stop it Chris. His name

(25:32):
is Chris amazing, And a lot of people are like, well,
there's Christina. There's a lot of other Chris names. Um.
But um, if you know any of my other sisters,
they have very unique names. I have a Shonda, Tabitha, Carissa, Sabrina. So, um,
Christina would not have worked in our family, so she
went with Krishell. That's fantastic. It's a great story. So

(25:54):
you actually watched the docuseries. No, I haven't yet, but
let it on your cue. Yeah. I put on my
on my list to watch because I love like a
million dollar listing in l A and New York. I
love that kind of stuff, and so I haven't watched
it yet, but I'm excited to. It's got some great property.
Tell us a little bit about it, so I feel
like it it will appeal to you. Called again, it's

(26:15):
called Selling Sunset and um, it's a very binge worthy
show on Netflix and it basically is million dollar Listing
meets Laguna Beach or the Hills. I don't know if
you've seen either of them the drama. So are there
other than beautiful real estate agents? Yes, they're gorgeous, and
unfortunately there is some drama. So they were such a

(26:36):
tight knit group working together for a really long time,
and I joined as a new beat. Your hated, right,
I got a little hazing. I'm not gonna lie. Yes, um,
so you kind of watched me, uh go through the
process of kind of falling on my face but then
kind of figuring it out and learning as I go.
And you also get to see these amazing properties. It's

(26:56):
kind of a bird's eye view into um, this luxury
market that not everybody would get to see, but on
these shows, you know some. I think that's why they're
so popular, because people really want to see that, because
who's going to go spend forty million dollars on a house?
Very very very few people. However, we all want to
see what it looks like, like, oh yeah, we zillo
it all the time to be there's a night skating

(27:19):
rink in there. I always think, I'm like, the taxes
alone on a house like that. I always I'm like,
what do these people do exactly? You have to be
like assaultant. So those are the houses that you're selling
our forty million dollar houses. Well, okay, the company, because
I was like saying, girl, um, I wish if anyone's
listening and wants to buy. When I there is one
on the market, I'm having to show it to you

(27:42):
qualified by Yeah. And so I I live in the valley,
and I feel like I tend to work a little
more in the valley, but I also you know, if
you have your license, you can work wherever. It's just
that that is the area I'm a little more passionate about.
And I know all about the school districts, and um,
you can get the best cup of this in the
best bowl of that. So um, I tend to have

(28:04):
more clients in the in the valley, but mine are
the highest thing I've sold so far as five million,
which i'd amazing, that's fantastic. But at my company, yeah,
it goes all the way up to like fifty millions,
so it's great. So I'm selling Sunset. Do is justin
a part of it at all? Or is he like
I don't want to be part? Like what? What? Like?
How much do they show your outside lives? So some

(28:24):
of the girls do show their outside lives, but At
first it was a conflict because he you know, he's
under contract with Fox and so we were trying to
work that out, and then it kind of became once
the show started filming, there was drama with I didn't
really I thought I was doing a real estate show
in the beginning. I didn't know that this was going
to have drama. So by the time we started flushing

(28:46):
out what his availability would be if he you know,
got it cleared, I realized she knew what. Maybe it's
best that we keep these two things separate because I
really like my personal life. I'm so protective over it,
and you know, I mean, marriage is hard enough on
its own. I don't need an added force adding any
kind of, um, you know, outward drama at all. So, UM,

(29:08):
I feel like it. That's kind of what happened. So he,
you know, there's like an intro and intros. You know
who I'm married to. It's not a secret at all,
and I talk about him, you know, in my interviews
and stuff. But um, he's not featured on the show. Um,
so when did you stop acting or are you still acting?
I'm still recurring on Days of our Lives right now,
And um, and I actually have a movie coming out

(29:30):
on Netflix June called staged Killer. Amazing. Yeah, um, so
you know what, it just kind of comes and goes,
and is there one that you're Are you more passionate
in the real estate or are you like, where's your
where's your focus? So, I mean, I always grew up
wanting to be an actor, so I'm more passionate doing acting.

(29:51):
But what happens is you can't really pick and choose
when you work, and so I wanted something else. So
I'm not gonna lie and say I'm as passionate about
real estate. It I've come to really love it. It's
kind of one of those things that like grew on
me and now I really enjoy it. At first, it
was like, you know, you're taking all these tests and
it's people are wasting your time, and it's kind of
a kind of a headache. And now as I'm in

(30:14):
entrenched in the process, and now I really have people
that I've worked with that I've loved, and these amazing
moments that you get to hand somebody their first keys,
their first home. It's pretty important and special. So now
I love it. I think. Um, I mean, I definitely
can relate because you know, obviously my main goal is
I want to be on a you know, TV show,
get back on the show, because I was on a

(30:36):
show for a couple of years and that's the steady
income that I want. But unfortunately, like you said, we
can't pick and choose and you have to we have
to support our family. And it's there's certain things that
I'm doing that make the money, but that's not what
I'm actually passionate in doing. But you find the passion
in it exactly. So that's where it's like you found

(30:57):
your passion with the real estate, and both things can
be okay. That's why I like the things I'm doing.
The side, I'm like, yes, do I love lovedness, No,
But I'm loving doing it because I'm finding I have
to find the passion in it because I want to
be able to enjoy everything that And it empowers you
when you can, you know, be in charge of when
you work and when you don't. As an actor, you're
kind of a slave too, and it kind of can

(31:18):
take a hit to your self confidence if you keep
not booking things. You know, and so I just feel
like it empowers you when you have a whole another
thing and then you sometimes end up booking more because
you're like, I don't need this job and'd be great
if I got it, but I don't need to pay
my light bill tomorrow. So right with the busy schedules,
I'm sure you and Justin have separately. What do you
guys do to kind of come back together and reconnect

(31:38):
with you know, to drown out all the noise. Yeah,
Actually he was just in Canada shooting a movie for
a month, so that was a little tough. I went
up there for or for a week, um, and then
when he got back, it was one of those things
where I feel like you just kind of have to
seclude yourself a little bit, and even if you maybe
go out or maybe don't, but just like to reconnect.

(32:01):
So it sounds kind of cheesy, you're kind of lame,
But when you're away that long, um, you don't want
it to feel normal, you know. So I wanted as
soon as we got back together to get back to
kind of the way that it felt, where it's like
it's not normal to sleep outside of the same bed
for that long. So let's like, you know, do we
have to take that meeting in the morning. Let's push

(32:22):
it back, like let's stay in. But I don't know,
little things like that where I feel like we just
kind of reconnect, like making intentional time. That's a big
thing Janna and I talked about, is like making intentional
time for each other, not coming back together and going
about your regular day routine. It's like, let's intend to
do this together and reconnect. So, um, obviously, you know
you're so happy for your husband. Has there ever been

(32:44):
that jealousy underneath or that frustration? No, I I have
to say, it's not like we ever are going out
for the same parts or any you know. Um, but
I'm so genuinely happy for him because when I met him,
he was on revenge and to see him then, you know,
kind of assent to this a list actor. And of

(33:06):
course he'd always worked before. I always felt bad for
him because he was always the lead of a like
a pilot, but then the pilot didn'et picked up or
it only ran once. I'm like, God, I'm like, he's
such a good actor, he's had such a good look,
and so it never really added up to me. So
it was it was really cool from an outsider to
see him go. I think, and again, I can only
speak for myself, but I think if you have a
I think healthy competition in a playful way is a

(33:27):
good thing. But if you're actually competitive with your partner,
I think that's detrimental. I support him and I want
him to rule the world if he wants to rule
the world. There are times where he has offers. It's like,
if you want to do that, I will. I will
get behind you one thousand percent. But if you're not
going to be happy doing that, who cares? You don't
need any more of whatever. Do what if you want to.

(33:48):
And I feel like he does the same for me,
so you know, I have to say it's definitely just
one of those things where we're not in competition with
each other. The only times we compete against each other
is like when it's for fun of what we'll get,
Like you can get us in a game night, then
we'll see you there. Say, can we get into the
biggest arguments at game nights because we get so into it? Yeah,
we're probably two into it because then we leave getting

(34:09):
actually mad at each other and take it too personally.
New Year's last year, Yeah, that was no good. I've
always been curious about that when people are in the
same kind of profession like you and Justin and whether
Jane and past relationships with people in music and enacting,
how that relationship is with being competitive. Do you think
there's I'm asking both of you guys, do you think
there's couples out there that are like that? Like, just

(34:31):
for an example, Ryan Gosson and even Mendez, I feel
like ever since they've been together, like even Mendez hasn't
really done anything. Do you think that's a testament to
them a green like, hey, you take a back seat,
let me do my thing, or I'm just curious from y'all.
Y'all are professionals in this world and around those kind
of people. Do you think that takes place? I mean,
I'm sure it does. I know what jenn and Ben

(34:51):
did was like she would take a role, he would
take a role. It's kind of what I've heard, like
everyone kind of goes. I mean, even like our friends
that we just met, like someone's having a show. It's like,
all right, now you need to take the next whatever
time off. But I will say I was when I
was in the relationship, I was super jealous, But it
was only because from my insecurities, because I had insecurities

(35:12):
because I'm like, well, I want to be doing that,
I want to be up on that state. I like,
why why don't I have that crowd like? And then
so then I but that was all my insecurities feeding
into which ended up ruining the relationship because I was
so insecure and I think, and I think that's that's
part of it, where it's like I can see that.
But luckily because when I was in a bad place
and I wasn't working, and that's actually when I decided

(35:33):
to get my real estate license because I had to.
You know, I'm not one of those people that just
wants somebody to pay for me. Like I take a
lot of pride in always having been, you know, a
self made person and paying and supporting myself and my
family because you came from homeless background, I did, so,
so yeah, what what happened? Well, And just basically just
to to say, in that scenario, instead of being jealous,

(35:57):
I was so thankful that he was able to be
there for me when I was in a place where
I had never been able to count on. You know,
my family, they come from nothing, so I couldn't ever
have any help financially from him, So to have him
be able to financially like be there for me while
I went and got my license, so that it was
the opposite of that. I was just so grateful that

(36:17):
he did that as opposed to the competition part of it.
And then as far as my family goes, they you know,
we're from we were homeless several stints in our life,
and you know, it's just kind of something that we live.
I lied about for so long because you know, you're embarrassed,
and I was a kid in school and I missed
a grade um and so anyway, uh, now to be

(36:40):
able to have a platform, and it's covered on the
show in a beautiful way, I think, and now I'm
able to bring spotlight to it and talk about it
and help others. I have to you know, uh, I
think you have to kind of initially how to get
over myself and and the embarrassment. And now I'm not
embarrassed anymore. It's something that you know, it happens, and
it happens to a lot of people. And I see
these people all the time where it's like, you know,

(37:03):
I think people have especially living in a this luxury
l a type of market that I work in, people
have a predisposition. Two have judgment about people that are homeless,
and UM, you know, I just feel like coming from
a family that has kind of dealt with I've never
said this before, but a family that has dealt with, um,

(37:25):
not just homelessness, but also addiction and different things like that. UM.
I sometimes tiptoe about what I say because you know,
it's not just me involved in this story, but there
were a lot of factors. Um, you know, so we
basically had to fend for ourselves for a certain sense
of our childhood. And now I I UM, I really

(37:46):
appreciate and love that they always said it felt like
the best they could with the means that they had.
My parents aren't educated. UM, you know, my dad unfortunately
just past but he you know, he couldn't read. And
so just like you know, there were just so many
there's so many people born into these poverty type situations
and everything is stacked against you to get out of it.

(38:08):
I mean, you don't so any kind of those programs.
I'm so passionate about the programs that are helping people that.
You know. I just feel like sometimes some people really
have everything at their feet. They're judging people that don't.
And it's like, you know, if the the amount of
effort that it takes to get from that spot where
you have no help and to pull yourself out of it,

(38:30):
I just, um, I want to help all those people
that I can, because it's you have no idea how
much it it helps their lives to just kind of
give them a hand as opposed to, you know, just
blowing them off and thinking that, you know, get it together.
I don't know if I spoke right. That was brilliant.

(38:52):
I think to your point, it's sometimes it's unfortunately out
of their control, right, Like it's easy to say, hey,
get your together. World probably fell apart not because of them,
but because of the environment that they're brought into. And
that's you can't blame somebody for that, Like you're saying,
it's so crudous to you for being as strong as
you are to pour yourself out of that and to
be successful, you know, everything that you're doing, and everyone

(39:14):
go to upward bound house dot org to help give back. Yeah,
it's actually, if I can just say real quick, it's
a it's what I love about them. They don't just
give you a place to stay. They for a whole
year that you're there. They give you classes, they give
you child care while you go interview, they give you
interview clothes, they give you an apartment to stay in,
and so they're, um, not just here's a here's a bed,

(39:37):
you know. So that's why I those are the kind
of places that will change someone's life. Yeah, they're trying
to help and to grow. I think there are are
only you know how we've because we've talked about homeless
and honestly not in a a respectful way at times,
but we had someone we tried to do this giving
back challenge and we gave a bunch of food to

(39:59):
a homeless person. He's like, oh no, I don't eat
that stuff, And for us, we're like, well, why wouldn't they?
You know? But it's so it's it was that was
kind of a tricky situation for us because we're like,
we're trying to give back and then they're being picky
about I don't know, right, And I've had that happened before.
You know, you you go to give like what you
think is like amazing, and then I've actually done the
same thing. I think the best thing if you want

(40:19):
to give, um, is to find these kind of organizations.
And there's Food on Foot, there's upper Bound House, there's
My Friends Place. I work with all three of those
places that are all about rehabilitating and um because those
people really want they're willing to they want to change
or not to change, but they want to help and
they need the help. Yeah, and there's ways to work
the program where if you really use what they provide

(40:42):
you the I think some of one of them has
a ninety five percent success rate upper Bound House of
once you go into their facility for the year that
you're there, um success rate of not being homeless again.
So it's really amazing. Do they do any of these
programs like upper Bound House, are the other ones that
you mentioned? Do they focus on any kind of addiction

(41:05):
addiction twelve step UM concept too? Because this is might
be a stereotype or whatever, but from your experience and
working with these programs, are there a lot of people
that are addicts that may not know that come into
this and want to get help. But then you know
people the professionals they are realizing they have addictive tendencies
or whatever is their correlation there. That's a great question.
My Friends Place and Food on Foot both UM, accept

(41:28):
people in that are whatever. However you come in is
how you come in, and they will help you no
matter what, and they will help you really truly. These
people are so passionate their volunteers and they're so amazing.
They deserve all the praise because they're in there every
single day volunteering and they are providing them with resources
to really change their life if they want it. Upward

(41:49):
Bound houses a little different, um, you know, because they
house children as well, so I think you have to
be really careful past drug tests. So I work with
um both kinds, one that does not accept them and
one that does, but um, they're both important, you know,
and obviously makes sense they're accepting small children, so you
have to. Yeah. Wow, Well you're just like inspiring all around.

(42:11):
You're not only beautiful, but you're smart and you're encouraging
and we just can't thank you enough for coming on
the show. Uh watch Selling Sunset. It's a docuseries for Netflix,
and then UM, please give you know, give some more information,
especially you go visit upward Bound House dot org. Thank
you seriously so much. Thank you all right, babe, So

(42:35):
you went to college, Um you have, yes, you did,
and you have student loans, don't you? Or you did?
I did at one, so you definitely needed so far
back in the day because did you know that millennials
have three times as much student debt as their parents
And that's honestly, that's not right. But you can get
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(42:55):
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(43:18):
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stress as much, you know, because I'm honestly worried about
when Julian and Jays go to college. In your pockets.
I love it so Fie. She's so sweet. She's very genuine,

(43:44):
m extremely genuine, and I just I love I love
her journeyman can tell like she's a hustler and I
appreciate that instead kind of wallowing or being like, oh,
you know, just the spouse up, like she's making a
name for herself, and I just she's already had the name,
but still like she's she's not stopping, and I really
appreciate that. Driving. I think that no matter who she's

(44:04):
married to, whether it's Justin or nobody, she wouldn't change.
Like she just has that passion and she has that
grind to do things that she wants to do and
nothing's going to change that. Yeah, you can definitely just
get you get that from her vibe and her personality
is awesome. Yeah, I agree. I just I really like
everything about her. So we should do a double date. Sure, Hey, Mark,

(44:26):
do you any emails for us? Well? This one is
particularly pertinent death thought. This is from Holly pertinent. I
don't know that words to me. I've been with my
husband for ten years now. We started struggling with our
marriage and divorce was a daily topic. I started a
new job and met a man there. If time went on,
we grew closer and closer, to the point that I
told him I loved him and we could start life together.

(44:46):
I just needed to leave my husband, but I didn't
have sex with him. I didn't kiss this man because
my heart I knew it was wrong. One night, my
husband recorded me having a conversation with this other man.
I confessed and told him everything I did contact the
other guy one left time to tell him it was over.
Since then, my husband has been by my side, but
I am still living in the mess that I made.
He still holds it over my head, has no faith

(45:07):
or trust in me, and it's been going on four
years and a child later. I'll walk on eggshells because
I want to show him that I love him, and yes,
I want this marriage, but it doesn't seem enough. So
what could I possibly do more than I've already tried
to get him to forgive and forget this kind of thing.
I want him to trust me and love me the
way he did ten years ago. It's that's hard. I mean,

(45:28):
it's a great amount. And thank you for sharing all that, Holly.
I that's that's a really hard one because you can't
put a time limit on someone's How would I say
that someone's process of grieving. So I know for us,
you know there's still times that's just sorrd because you

(45:56):
don't want to put a problem, you don't want to
pay a time because in ten years, like just let
me talk to Jason and and Shelley about it. They're like,
we're still talking about it's fifteen minutes, fifteen years. This
will be a part of their life no matter what.
Now do you think it sounds like maybe he's not well,
I'm just gonna I'm curious. Do you think the emotional
aspect cuts deeper than the physical because she didn't According

(46:19):
to her, she didn't do anything physical with him, but
she told him that she loved him and talked about
starting a life together. I think, again, it just depends
I wouldn't. Well, I'm asking you if I did that,
what would be harder me? Just having physical relations or
an emotional relation from a guy standpoint, I mean, obviously
needs one of them are great, But I think the

(46:42):
physical thing, with the physical there's I feel like there's
fixable issues because it was probably like a a time
frame or something specific that caused the person to go
outside the marriage with the with the emotional I I
worry about can this ever be repaired? Like will you

(47:06):
ever love me because you fell for another man? Like
you told another person you love them and you wanted
to start a life with them. But maybe she truly didn't.
I know, I've said I love you to people and
I didn't really love them. I just was needing a
I was just needing that emotional connection, you know what
I mean. So, but again, that's hard for her husband

(47:29):
to unsee that, and I get that, but I just
you know, you guys obviously have another kids, bringing other
kids into the world. So I think it's one of
those things where you know, you just you can't put
the time on it. But also there's got to be
some growth on his side too to try to Yeah,

(47:49):
and the fact that she even says the way she
says that he still holds it over my head. Yeah,
so that's something where it's like, that's not that's different
than expressing all right, hey, honey, you want to go out.
Your friend is okay, but here's my fears because of
what happened. That's the way. Yeah, it's saying hold it
over my head it's like, no, I don't want you
to do that. Because I don't, you're probably gonna do
this again four years and a child later. You know,

(48:13):
I'm sure she's just not based on that. She's trying
to show. I make up that she's showing that she
loves him and once her life with her husband, well
she's still there. Yeah right, I'm saying, like through her actions, Mark,
what do you think? Well, obviously, um, I mean, look,
she broke his heart. If I'm putting myself in his position,
it's it's it's just it's just profound sadness. It's a heartbreak,

(48:36):
it's it's a betrayal, It's why wasn't I enough? It's
all that stuff. But I don't know that it gives
him the right to be a dick to you remember
the rest of your life you have to. That's that's
the part where he has to start, you know. Yeah,
I think I think I don't know if you guys
are in therapy, but I know that you guys have
gotten great results from that sort of thing, and I
think that will help him get over those emotions of

(48:56):
being so jerky about it. He doesn't have to do
that anymore, and maybe that's how you guys get out together.
But like you guys said, it's just time. Time is
gonna He's not going anywhere, and that's great. It's great
that he's not going anywhere. It's not great that he's
got this. He's still holding it over your head, which
could be enticing him to not go anywhere because he
feels like he has this power in control of the relationship.

(49:18):
Right and so you know, if they're not going to
therapy number one, they definitely should. And he's probably hasn't
owned anything that he's done where maybe he had something
to do with driving her away, but he's still holding
onto it. Again, just based off the vernacular she uses,
it doesn't seem like he was like, well, what what
could I have done to to not push her away?

(49:38):
It doesn't seem like he's doing that at all, which
he needs to write because divorce was a daily topic
before this happened, right, so obviously there's issues. So so
it just seems like he's still finger pointing as opposed
to being like, is there something I could have done?
Like you know you for you it it took you
a while, it took you, you know some time, but
you got to the place eventually where it's like, well,

(49:58):
what can I do different? Yeah, and it takes time.
But four years down in this place now, not not before. No,
I'm not saying like immediately after. It takes some time,
but four years down the road. Again, everyone's different, everyone's
timeline is different. But I'd like to think that they
should be in a place or hopefully he'd be in
a place to start to look at himself. Can I

(50:19):
mention something that kind of came up at the podcast
tour that kind of has still stuck with me, that's
bothered me a little bit about the kind of this topic.
I'm kind of interested to see Mark's point of view. Two.
So I had asked our guests and then I kind
of asked Michaels of what would be your marriage deal breaker?
And he had said if I cheated on him? And
so after everything we've been through, after everything we've been through,

(50:44):
if you cheat on me, And I'm I'm thinking to myself,
I get that because we've done so much work, but
I but still it feels so one sided to me
that after me sticking through, because I out we did
a lot of work and I know Grant and we've
done so much work now post you know, getting married

(51:05):
and stuff. But it's that you would really truly leave
me if I cheated on you, And that feels so
shallow to me In a way, I understand why it would,
and I understand why anyone male or female, if they're
in your position. Why if the other person said, that's
like really, like what the f Like? I took you back?
I was willing to work at this. Why would that

(51:27):
be a deal breaker for me. It's not about the act.
It's about if because we we value our communication, we
value therapy and discussing on what's going on in our life.
If we got to that point where you weren't talking
about things that were wrong, and you got to a
point where you just stuffed it all down and acted
out outside of our marriage, then I'll be like, what

(51:49):
have we been doing all this work for? Like? Then
then that means you weren't doing the work and coming
to me and bringing up issues that you have. Maybe
I had my own issues and wouldn't you wouldn't stick.
I didn't know that you have your issues before we
got married, you know, And I'm just playing devil's advocate
and it I don't understand that that really bothers me
that that would be your thing. I'm like, man, after

(52:11):
everything I've stuck out with you, and if I have
my moment where sometimes because everything we're going through is
a lot, and maybe that is my way of of
having my slip. I'm not saying it's right, but like
after you know, we might get into a big argument
and you might have a medium relapse or something maybe

(52:34):
not even physical, but and if I go out and like,
I'm like, you're gonna leave me because of that? Like
that for it just really like bothers me. It's just
like we talked about a lot on this, right, you
don't know what you're doing the situation until you're in it.
All I'm saying is because of all the work and
all the time and all the therapy we have put
into this just abrupts me, and which I understand. I

(52:56):
understand why I would I do. I empathize with that
because I'm like, I can I can still grow it
because again, everything that we've been through, I could foresee
maybe one day not saying I would ever cheat on you,
but having being so like you know what effort right
again because of all the things that we do to

(53:18):
prevent those things, but what if we didn't? What if? Like,
but I'm just saying that to me just feels Mark,
do you have any insight on that? Because you're just
kind of staring at really trying to hang back on it.
I do think it's still to think that there would
never be any more problems because you're you're putting in
this work, which is great, and you're working together on this,
They're still going to be problems along the way. I

(53:40):
still might be holding resentment to you, and I still
have resentment, but in some day, one day that might
flare up more and I might be weak just like
you've been weak, and but yet to know that my
partner after all this stuff would leave me from a
weak moment like that just feels so like, Man, what
is this then? But you wouldn't fight through with me

(54:01):
to get back to a good place again, because I
honestly will say, I mean, it's just that's just I
don't know. I think he would. Honestly, I think he'd leave.
I don't do I think he would because the fact
that he even said that, because he had to come
up with no. But I'll tell you, I'll tell you

(54:25):
This would have been my answer because I wouldn't have
said if you cheated on me again. It would be
if you if you continuously were defensive or or or
so I can live in that kind of household, that
would be my marriage dealbreaker, not if he cheats again.
So that's what those people all, right, But I mean,

(54:48):
where again, what else would mind be? Oh gosh, I
could I could shame I could, you know, but we're
past that. We're not, as I'm saying, like, there might
be days that I and you still have those moments,
but it's not like it was at the beginning. If
you still shame me now like you used to, yes,
and I even told and I even contemplated that stuff

(55:08):
then where I was like, I don't know if I
can stay in this because of that. But we got
past that. So you said, like from this point moving forward,
if you just randomly started shame me and me all
the time like you used to, then yes, but that's
not what's happening. M So the only thing I could
I could come up with is if you did that,

(55:28):
it would just be really hard after all of the
work that we've done. That's like now, if I if
I relapsed physically, but you'll say, well, it's an addiction.
I've never used it as an excuse, but you have
you like, you know, I'm an attic. This is a possibility,
he said, right, because I can never say never. Right.
But you're saying, but in therapy, you would say like, well,
I said, you know, but I wouldn't expect you. But

(55:50):
I wouldn't. I wouldn't write that off and expect you
to be Okay, I wouldn't, you know what I mean. So,
but I'm saying if if if I did that, you're
telling me that you wouldn't have a really hard time staining.
It wouldn't be the reason I left. I didn't ask that.

(56:10):
I asked that. I didn't ask that. I said, would
you have a really hard time staining? Of course I would,
But that wouldn't be because of why, because of all
the work that we've done. Well, no, because of the principle. Yeah,
but it's you know, but that's not what But that's
not my deal breaker. But you would still be a
really hard It would be really hard for you determine

(56:31):
whether they're stay or not. That doesn't that's not my
deal breaker though, And that's okay. We can have different ones.
It's just I'm just having I wouldn't. I'm trying to
put you in the same position where but I would not.
That would not be my deal breaker. You're trying to
put me and say, I understand it'd be hard decision,
but it wouldn't be my deal breaker. And that's what
you said, your deal breaker would be. Okay, let me
rephrase that, it would be a really hard decision. Okay,

(56:54):
all right, we have to go pick up her daughter.
This has been a really good episode. It on the
high note. Thanks for email, Holly. Yeah, thanks Ally a lot.
We're going to be like out oh yeah, yeah,