Cody Reads Ben Shapiro's Short Stories

A Christmas Miracle!!!

Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Worst Year Ever, A production of I Heart Radio,
Well Together Everything. So don't don't geez, Cody, I don't know.

(00:21):
I I disagree. I mean I don't. I don't think
our listeners are are foolish dukes. Um, that's that's really
that's really harsh. Well, I mean, I can't believe that
came out of your mouth. The marketplace of ideas and
I'm just like giving you know, options for the market, right.
I think maybe they maybe they are, maybe they're not,

(00:43):
but I think it's worthy worthy of debate. Well, this
is really going to hurt our chances to go public,
which we were planning to be the first podcast to
be publicly traded. Thanks Cody, we still can we don't.
Just don't have to air this part. Well, that would
have to start the whole show over again. Hey, speaking
of dishonest, you know who's not the most honest man

(01:07):
who has ever existed? It has been Shapiro. Do you
have anything vaguely related to Ben Shapiro to share with
us today? My? Oh, let me check, let me check
my my websites. Oh oh wow, here's oh wow. Here
is Ben Shapiro's first published book, A book of short stories.

(01:31):
Now I cannot believe you did this instance. But do
you mean to tell us all that Ben Shapiro, the
author of True Allegiance, Yeah, has a previous fiction publication.
Oh his premier before you, the incredible H much loud, foundational.

(01:56):
Let's yeah, Jackson, and give some context because this is
a different show. UM, and I think there's probably are
some of some of our listeners perhaps don't know what
we're talking about. We did a different show for a
year straight on a different on We for a year

(02:17):
straight on Robert's other show, Behind the Bastards. Uh. Cody
and I would intermittently come on and he would just
read aloud to us sections of Ben Shapiro's awful novel. UM.
I don't think we need to debate that. UM. I

(02:39):
think that people can go back and peruse that library
if they want to catch up over the fun holidays.
But for now, what we are going to be presenting
to you over a number of episodes are Ben Shapiro's
short stories. Uh. This is uh, this I believe was
self published. Baby use an e book. I self published

(03:02):
a book to you know? I no, no, no, nothing
that Um it is no longer available. Uh, where e
books are available. I believe that virus. I started looking
just like seeing and I there were all these links.
I was like, not clicking that, not clicking that. Hour
later Cody is like, oh my god, I caught it.

(03:24):
There are Yeah, there are many many bad links out there,
ones like a Google doc that you can go to
like somebody. Yeah, um but I found that's extremely funny.
Safely it is virus free and um so you think
until you start reading still you crack that motherfucker open,

(03:45):
and that's when the virus part of virus. Yeah, there's
there's already some guy in Macedonia like going over cody
social Security number, transferring cash out of his bank accounts.
It will be worth it. Um. Yeah, so it's here. Uh,

(04:05):
we're very happy he clearly, I think just because it's
self published. I don't think there's an editor. I think
he just didn't want people to read it. Is there
like a description of any sort of the book that
it doesn't have that on the version I have, But
that's extra writing. You're not gonna give that up for free.

(04:26):
But I think there is a yeah here, I'm gonna
go to good Reads, where again it is not available.
But because this is hard to find. Yeah. Um, But
in What's Benja Pier releases his first book of short stories,
Explanation Point and What's Fair. An incredible invention leads to
bloody brutality when an unsatisfied brother to size he hasn't

(04:46):
received what he is owed. Wow, really wearing your beliefs
on your sleeve there, ben And from the pit an
adventure shrinks to microscopic size to clean up the environment.
But this is going to go himself targeted for murder
when he accidentally ingested the body of a mysterious employer.
Sorry Katie Wood. So like a HONEYI shrunk that kids
kind of vibe, but like kind of mixed with that

(05:08):
what's the what's the movie where they go inside the
fantastic voyage or something. It's like that mixed with that,
mixed with like environmentalism. And I'm going to guess for
all of these here's my my prediction. Weird and not
at all relevant Biblical like like bizarre and uncomfortable biblical

(05:31):
comparisons like I'm gonna guest have to be like really yeah,
really allegories like oh, I see what you're trying to say,
because you're telling me, um yeah, really like on the
nose surface level allegories. For example, in Utopia, a man
of Bandon's paradise when he realizes that periods up to

(05:54):
be is it utopia or like utopia? It's just utopia utopia?
But is this the threat to that paradise? Oh my gosh,
I bet, I bet the Utopia is like lefty but
not secretly it's yeah, it's not going to be so
nice and that lefty heaven. From science fiction to parable,

(06:14):
from love to violence, Shapira's exciting stories capture the imagination.
I bet, thank you. And then there's a list of
you know, his other books um uh, and you know
labeled brilliant by Russia, Limbaugh, a Warrior by Globeck, and
a foe of extraordinary polemic agility by the Washington past God,

(06:34):
the Washington Who at the Washington Who Cody? Whom the post?
What is that quote? I'm looking that up right now.
Who writes the good Reads page? What is the A
foe of extraordinary polemic agility? A foe of extraordinary polemic agility?

(06:57):
As when you just do a search for that, all
of them are the book What's fair? See here's the
thing and I here's what I think somebody here because
and I believe true allegiance. Yes. Uh, the one of
the blurbs says, meet our new Iron Rand, and that's
the quote that is used in the book. But if

(07:19):
you google that you find that it's part of a headline,
and the full headline is meet our New Iron Rand,
Ben Shapiro's ham fisted propacanda fiction. Even worn it's so funny,
cod it's so funny and it's it's look, I would
not be surprised if it was like the actual quote
was like Ben Shapiro likes to see himself as exactly

(07:41):
because I I have just gone through within a like
the different permutations, just basically doing different like quote searches
for for that phrase and adding Ben Shapiro the post
You think, just words from that phrase, nothing comes up
at all. But but like really sketchy book links about
the book, What's fair, no Washington Post Water. I have
no idea who who said this about him or if

(08:03):
he said it over at dinner once. Yeah, but I
need to back up because the way read it over
time a foe of agility and so like it's written
like enemy of that or is it a bad guy
that has all of that, you know what I mean, Like,
either way, what is that doing on your book? But

(08:28):
it no, it frames him like he is the enemy
of extraordinary And this is this is why Ben Shapiro
is such a consistent, beautiful thing for us to cover,
because we haven't even gotten into the book and we
are we already have so much to discuss, to discuss
please continue. So is that and then you know whatch

(08:50):
appears widely considered one of the most prominent young conservatives America.
Can't argue with that. Uh, this volume contains his first
foray into the fiction world and not his last. I
had that last little bit. No, they didn't know at
the time. They didn't know what he didn't know at
the time. He definitely wrote himself. Well yeah, yeah, I
actually I think one thing we can say about Ben

(09:13):
Shapiro is it is unlikely that he plagiarized anyone else's writing. Yeah,
I think I think that's very obvious by reading the sentences. Um,
author of six non fiction books, including New York Time, Pestler, Bullies,
Editor of Daily Wire, Editor at large a Breitbart News
that's no longer true. Uh uh, probably not. You could

(09:36):
have an entire show that is just reading. I feel
like his nonfiction is going to be like way harder
and more frustrating. Yeah, it's like his opinions, but like
him just saying them as opposed to like him trying
to like be a little little clever writer. Guy Um.
I mean, I I will say, because we here at

(09:57):
uh behind the Bastards, Sophia and I are going over
his book that he wrote about sex um and it
is a porn book. It's the porn Generation, the book
in which he cites as an example of how teenagers
are acting in two thousand four, a book by Norman
Mailier about a fictional uh electric electric cool Tom wolf

(10:23):
a book by Tom Wolfe about a fictional college student
as evidence of like how actual college students behave because
if anyone in two thousand four understood millennials, it was
Tom wolf like a work of anyway. So that's the
description of the book. The actual book itself is called
What's Fair Colon and Other short Stories. I will say

(10:45):
that there are only three short stories, and they're each
about twenty pages, and each page is kind of like
that goose Bumps font you know, where it's like you
fit like two and a half paragraphs on a page. Um,
so you know that's fine. The short stories, it's fine. Um,
no judgment there. Um. I will uh challenge everybody as
we go to a quick ad break and come back

(11:06):
to read the first short story called What's Fair? Uh
guess the first sentence of a short story by Ben
Shapiro called What's Fair in a collection called What's Fair
and Other Short Stories. Oh boy, I bet it's gonna
be happy. Families are all alike. Oh, I bet it's

(11:27):
what's fair? Question Mark, you're Katie's closer in the right direction.
All right, we'll be back to find out the answer together.
Everything break today. Alright, Cody, we're finally doing it. We're

(11:55):
gonna cut that album. I think I think that's the sign. Robert,
Robert and Cody sing a totally while looking at their
laptops during a zoom call the album mumble lyrics to
a song that doesn't exist, but that doesn't exist. Keep
it all in, We're back. Snack from space. Hey, everybody,

(12:20):
welcome back. Wow. Narrative polemics of Ben Shapiro. Yeah, and
I before we get into his book, I do think
it's worth acknowledging the courage of releasing your first ever
fictional debut and choosing three short stories to be the
whole thing. Yeah, He's like, yeah, I think that's it.

(12:44):
Most people. Look, I've written some fiction, and there's a
lot of fiction that I wrote and nobody ever saw
that came out that I put together before the first
thing that I published. And I'll just say I respect
the hutzpah. Ben Shapiro shows by never once doubting that
these three short stories zero needed to be published, utter

(13:06):
confidence in himself that I don't need to work on this.
That's the thing about his his book, like every page
seems like nobody edited it, like it was a first
draft that he said, good, it's done. Because I feel
like with True Allegiance, uh it does read like it
wasn't edited, but I think it was, and I'm pretty

(13:27):
sure this absolutely was not. Uh So, I'm curious the
divide there. I'm curious what that first line is. Well,
do you have any other guesses you want to shout
in your phone? Uh So the first sentence, So, what's fair?
I've always thought of myself as a fair man, and

(13:49):
I just think that's so fucking funny, you're just saying
it's all laid out. Um, no no time to no wavering.
All right. So I've always thought of myself as a
fair man. That's all I ever wanted. What was fair
when the plow was done and when it was time
for supper. All I wanted was the same as what
everybody else got. God, the same as okay, fair, I

(14:13):
always say, God, damn you okay. As what everybody else
got was that it was a couple of sentences. It
was a couple he's got. He's got some periods in here.
He uses words the way drunk people use cars, and
it's just very sad to see words going through. Wait
till you here the next sentence. Oh, good, new paragraph.

(14:38):
I remember a time when I was a kid that
Dad gave me and Jim Christmas presents. What I remember
a time when I was a kid that Dad gave
me and Jim Christmas presents. So no one edited this.
You're right. He gave Jim a risk watch and he
gave me a hunting knife. Uh, we'll find out, I hope.

(15:01):
Why don't you introduce your relationship with this guy to start? No,
Ben understands that the key to good fiction is keeping mystery.
You want to keep the audience guessing who is this
person they're getting Christmas? This is? This is uh, you know,
I'm going to come to Ben's defense here in this
marketplace terrible ideas, because uh, I feel like in true allegiance,

(15:26):
it would be like I remember a time when I
was a kid that dad gave me and Jim my
brother Christmas presents. Whereas yea christ presents, I assume it's
his brother, because who else his dad given Christmas presents to? Um?
He actually assume it's Jim Jones. It's very well fingers
trust we'll see, it's not very long. How do we know?

(15:48):
All right? But he did give jimmy griss watch, and
he gave me a hunting knife. Boy, it was Jim
taken with that wristwatch. He'd wear it around every day,
rain or shine, always careful to keep it clean, to
keep it sound. If he scuffed it up, he'd buff
that scuff right out. Incredibly engaging writing bit. He'd spent

(16:09):
hours with a handkerchief, spitting on it and rubbing it,
spitting on it and wiping it until spitting on it.
Because audio we've been sharing spitting on it, And that's
what your brother was doing, wiping it sting. I didn't

(16:34):
really like my hunting knife. I wasn't big like Jim.
Then it wasn't very context very people's sizes, and here
always has to be pretty big. Well, here comes the moment. Yeah,
I I just love We've we've found the origin of

(16:55):
beIN Shapiro writing in a in a very sad way
about someone brother. Does he have one? I don't Jim?
Does he have a Does he jerk off his watch
all the time? His middle name is Aaron. Now he's
a sister Apple Gail. Maybe um, maybe he's Jim. And

(17:21):
this story anyway continue. Well, he wasn't big like I
wasn't big like Jim. Then it wasn't until later that
I hit my growth spurt. Every they always he can't
even he was praying for that growth spurt. Great, his
prayers were not answered. But you know, that's very funny.
That's that's incredibly funny. Okay, it's right there. But Dad

(17:42):
kept after me to try it out, and I wanted
so bad to please him, so I headed out to
the woods to see if I could catch something. Sure enough,
I found me a rabbit. When I pounced for him,
though he was faster than I was. Yeah, he's a rabbit,
and he skittered away like his tail was on fire. Okay,
really good rust stuff. But I wanted to show Dad
that I knew what to do with a knife, so

(18:04):
I chased him and chased him. He chased your dad, Yeah,
this is this is where they're like the poor. Like
an editor would help. Yeah, yeah, said, it's a new paragraph.
We haven't mentioned the rabbit in this paragraph. I wanted
to show Dad chase him and chase him. This isn't
the only spot. This isn't where it starts. I couldn't.
I would have used an editor from word one. I

(18:26):
remember a time when I was a kid that Dad
gave me and Jim Christmas presence. Kind of an awkward phrasing,
um right off the bat, But I chased him, chased him,
and I finally cornered that old rabbit in a rocky
little dead end. He'd moved to his left, and I'd
moved to my right to cut him off. He'd moved
to his right, and I jump with him, but he
was too smart for me. He charged straight at me,

(18:48):
and before I knew it, he'd gone right between my legs,
like that ball Buckner missed in the series. I love
because he's very clearly trying to be like folksy and
like found me around classical, grew up in the country.
Number one, he doesn't get the way people talk right
at all. But number two, Uh, it's very clear that
all of his knowledge about how to like chase and

(19:10):
hunt down a rabbit comes from Looney Tunes cartoons. It's
literally like a Looney Tunes he's describing there, or like
playing basketball. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's it doesn't bear. Also,
it would be not like rabbits are very easy to skin.
That's one of the nice things about rabbits. A gigantic
hunting knife would be like a weird tool in any

(19:32):
instance to use on a rabbit. But okay, whatever, its
good to have around at random, I mean all times,
but random times you just have specific wealth of knowledge.
You mean this short story like, well, do you like
you would never use that tool? Yeah, I mean like
when even like butchering like a sheep or something, you're

(19:53):
not using like a giant hunting knife like he's describing,
like there's like specialized like you could but like smaller anyway, whatever,
you want to impress his dad, you know, yea psychopathic maybe, yeah,
I mean if you If I was going to make
it more realistic, I would have like, you know, him
going out hunting with his dad, and his dad's you know,
given him a hunting knife or bought him a twenty

(20:14):
two or like something that actually makes a little bit
more sense than him just like wandering out alone with
a knife to like, yeah, catches catch the rab the rabbit,
and then his dad's like skin the rabbit and he's
like too squeamish to do it, or yeah, sure, yeah
like it. I like, okay, my my my ex wife's
little brother grew up in the middle of nowhere, Texas
and would hunt rabbits and stuff. But it was always
like trapping them because like tex just better. And so

(20:37):
maybe he like traps a rabbit, but he's too squeamish
to actually like kill it or knife. There's a number
of ways that that a writer this work, right. The
the issue he's running into now is like a the
rabbit like ran through my legs, Like you didn't get
a chance to use the n nonsense. Yeah, okay, please continue, Cody,
this is very full. I turned around and there was

(20:58):
that rabbit sitting there staring at me like he was laughing.
And I got so mad that I took that hunting
knife and I threw it at him like James Coburn
in The Magnificent Seven, just about took his head off.
But that rabbit moved like lightning. He was gone, and
I heard him. That's not just about taking its head off, right,
It got away, didn't just about to take his head.

(21:20):
I just got to point that out. Yeah, if it
touched the rabbit, maybe maybe I feel like, you know,
nicked him a little bit. I didn't, but he didn't
that he was gone. And I heard a plunk from
a creek that ran through the woods. Wait, okay, I
heard of plunk from a creek that ran through the woods.
The knife was gone, too, Well, you could find a knife, um,

(21:40):
like you threw the knife, you know, all right? Whatever.
When I got for the knife, yeah, the rabbit didn't
didn't like scarpor off again, continuing to sound like Looney Tunes.
When I got back home that night, I was too
embarrassed to tell Dad what happened to that knife. But
the next morning, when Jim got up, he found that
his watch was dented. He couldn't buff that out? All right, okay,

(22:04):
great new section of the book skips a line. This
is so bad. Wait a minute, just that thing like,
but when I woke up, Jim's watch was dented. Couldn't
buff that out? What? Yeah, that's not okay, that's certain
that happened alight, I'm not to know what happens next. Well,

(22:25):
what happened next is I met em Dash, Emily, that
is Dash. When I was a senior in high school.
She was about the cutest thing you've ever seen, No,
strawberry blonde with a knockout body and a button nose,
blue eyes too, like a miniature of Britney Spears on
the team. Okay, back up, she smiled at me breastily.

(22:56):
Wait a minute, Wait a minute, Wait a minute. I
made that lineup. I made that up. That's not like you.
You might not have is the thing? Um that's intentionally
in there? Sure? But then so after he meets this
cutest thing you've ever seen, strawberry blonde hair with a

(23:17):
knockout body and a button nose, blue eyes too, like,
manage your Britney Spears. She was on the cheerleading team.
By then, I'd hit that growth spurt I mentioned, and
I was a big burly kid the full back onto
he actually say that growth spurt, he did say, And
by that I had hit that growth spurt I mentioned

(23:39):
where I had edited, I would say, hey, Ben, there's
no reason to mention in the growth spurt earlier. Just
say then I hit a growth spurt, and save yourself
some words, and don't introduce a fact until it's actually meaningful. Yeah,
that's a good note. If anything, don't say that you
mentioned it, because we know it was two paragraphs that

(24:01):
she's mentioned two times. Here's what I'm going to say
is it's been mentioned two times in this very short
story already because that's so important to him. It's so
important to him, and it's the thing he never got. Yeah,
and like absolutely no shade at people at any heights.
We love you. It's him because he's so preoccupied with
people's heights. And you know what I mean. Anyway, If

(24:24):
you don't know what I mean, go back and listen
to all of us talking about single chapter. Every time
we've ever talked about the really short terrorists and they
really tall. Everybody else, Ah, the bad Guy's classic. That's
big burly kid fullback on the team. I was barreling
kids over, I mean steamrolling them, and coach said I

(24:48):
was a sure thing for All State. The minute I
laid eyes on M, I knew she was the girl
for me. I knew she liked me too. You see,
she wasn't. It's so awkward. Sorry, she wasn't the first
girl I'd ever gone out with. When you're the star
fullback on your high school football team in a small
town like Jefferson, there are plenty of girls after you,

(25:09):
Comma looking for something to tell their daughters about twenty
years from now. Yeah, but M with something special. When
I was on the field, she'd cheer and she'd look
at me, and I felt like I was playing just
for her. That's nice. One night after the game, ME
and M got to talking. Don't ask me what we
talked about. I wouldn't know. Probably a game, or her

(25:30):
classes or something else. Love story for the ages, said,
I don't give a fuck. By the time we looked around,
the sun had gone down. It was late. She looked
up at me with those big eyes through her eyelashes.
Good god, Good god, Ben, have you ever cared about

(25:52):
a person? Honestly, I could see, she'd combed them special
for me. Yeah that's what you noticed. Yeah, I noticed
that she did her She's looking through them with her
big eyes, her big blue eyes, thankfully, and she asked
me to walk her home. Of course, being no fool,
I said sure. She lived in a nice area of

(26:14):
town and I lived near the fields, so we had
to walk past my house to get to hers. As
we walked by, I pointed at our house. We have
to admit I had some guilty thoughts about m and
I knew that Dad and Mom weren't home. My guess
was right, Oh, this is weird. There's like a double
indentation for this paragraph. Yeah, because he again he's never
read anything that he's written. Yeah, this is this that

(26:36):
this is a really new paragraph. It's like he hit
tab like three times one paragraph. All right, my guess
was right. She wasn't shy either. She batted those eyelashes
and told me she'd love to see the house. Could
I show her around? She didn't have to ask me twice.
That's a new paragraph. And then here's another new paragraph.
We walked up to the door and I took her

(26:57):
in my arms, and that's when Jim opened to the door.
He was back from State where he was studying agricultural engineering,
and he looked at me, laughing with his eyes and said, hey, brother,
I'm home. When I finally we confirmation Jim's brother. When
I turned back to introduce M, she was looking at him.
They were married six months later. This is so bad.

(27:22):
It's bad news for this guy talking right. Oh you
mean the writing also? Yes, yeah, the writing is quite bad.
He spends so much time on dumb details and zero
time on where the story is. Like it understands that
the least important thing about the story is that there's

(27:45):
a story. Right. Yeah, well I think he's gonna You know,
Jim just gets everything he wants right. And it's not fair.
I've read the first sentence of this U this short story.
All is fairer to be close enough. I always thought
of myself as a fair man. But a new section.

(28:05):
We've the passage of time. Uh. This is after they've
been married six months later. Uh. The next summer, Dad
died in an accident. Mom was walking around like a ghost,
and the farm was going to ruin. Jim and M,
who were off living near state, came home to help
take care of Mom and the farm. Dad had left
him in charge since he was the first born. Jim

(28:27):
and M moved into the house with us. The farm
was still workable well, Jim was m moved into the
house with you. Jim lived there. I think, I mean, hey, brother,
I'm home moments doesn't know whatever. Jim and Man moved
in the house with us. The farm was still workable,
and Jim figured that he could save up enough money
to buy some machinery. Jim took over the master bedroom

(28:50):
with M and Mom moved into Jim's old room. I
stayed where I had always been. It was pretty terrible
to be around the house, what with mom haunting is so?
Oh say it differently, man, So I spent most haunting
it like that bit like haunting them for stupid dead

(29:14):
Uh So. I spent most of my extra time in
the weight room at school, classic bulking up for next year.
I didn't like to be near Mom. It made me
feel depressed inside. I was a high school graduate and
I was getting invited to all the best parties. Anyway,
One night, Jim and M asked if I could take
care of Mom for a while so they could go
out and grab dinner. I said sure, I was downstairs

(29:34):
watching TV when I saw the water dripping through the ceiling.
It turns out the mom was in the bathtub, her
head under the water, not breathing. I had learned some
basic mouth to mouth and I was able to get
her breathing again. But she was never the same after that. Now,
Jim and m and I had to help her get
to the bathroom, shower herself, feed herself. What the fuck?
I'm sorry, Wait a minute. He is just going through

(29:56):
so much. It's a lot going on. Yeah, this is
a I mean, it's actually Ben's pitching his full length
family drama. It's actually just like the treatment for it.
He's doing this thing that like upper like money, having
a coastal elite, Conservatives do to pretend that they're not

(30:18):
coastal elites because Ben is, as far as I know,
a California boy. Um, and it's they're doing this thing
where they imagine and I don't think Ben has ever
spent a particular amount of time near working class or
even poor. He grew up in Burbank. Yeah, he grew
up in Burbank. And he's doing this thing that conservatives
in his position do, where in order to try to

(30:41):
separate themselves from the liberal coastal elites that they demonize.
They imagine, they imagine they actually know anything about what
rural life is like. And in Ben's case, he's imagining
this like constant train of horrific disasters and tragedies and
folksy nonsense, and it's it's just like, yeah, because you

(31:02):
don't know, you don't actually know what the actual like
struggles in in rural America are. Like if you did,
I think he would be spending less time on trying
to take Karama and more time talking about like like
even if you're going to focus on like your mom's
health issues, the lack of like actual medical care of
hospitals and whatnot in rural areas, the difficulty in actually

(31:23):
like getting someone to treatment when you're out in the sticks,
um how to like like it kind of glosses over,
like how they actually got her treatment. Okay, Like you
pull her out of the bathtub, Now where do you
take her? You're an hour and a half away from
the hospital, Like do you have gas? Do you maybe
only have one car and your brothers away in the car,
and so you can't do anything for a while, Like

(31:43):
every year, if he knew anything about what it was
actually like dealing with problems for people. But he's imagining, Yeah,
now suddenly, okay, we've taken care of Ma, and yeah
that's the thing. Um, it's not good. It's it's like
Jade Vance, right, yeah, it's that stuff. It's like, oh yeah, look,
I can imagine the hardships. Um, but now they have

(32:06):
to they know, now they have to, you know, get
into the bathroom, shower herself, help, help help, he feed yourself.
I imagine something. I imagine it's time for an act
for a time for a nat break. Oh well, we'll
find out soon. What happens at State State is always
capitalized and it's unclear where. Um it's like the state college. Right.

(32:26):
It's like it's like he's trying to keep it as
vegue as possible, because like Lincoln, Americana Midwest. Yeah yeah,
but you know, we'll be right back. We will together everything,

(32:46):
so don't don't. And then we came back, and it
was this moment back we did. We didn't come back.
We we buffed our watch, we shined it, we like
rubbed it more, we spat on what I did little more,
and then we came back. I walked on out to
that forest, and I easily found the knife I chucked.

(33:08):
Just took a minute of me like you just left
it there? Because yeah, like I remembered that I threw
it and it didn't hit the rabbit, but like the
general area where I threw it, and I was able
to find it and come home with it, and now
I still have it. Oh good good? After that sounds easy? Uh,
Like you would only need like a short ad bricks

(33:29):
worth of time to go find that knife that you threw. Honestly,
any who uh that fall starting for State? I blew
out my knee there with the scholarship offer to State?
How did you out your knee? Say? Yeah, how did
you like? What was the move? You know? Haven't again?

(33:50):
A thing a writer would do is describe, you know,
the excitement of this big game, how much it meant
to you. You've got like this girl who's like super
into you, and they're about to be you know, your
whole future is writing on this pivotal moment, and then
you describe the actual scene. You know, you're running the
ball sailing overhead, and as you leap up to catch it,
somebody like comes in and tackles you and get you

(34:11):
like right in the side, and you land as he
pulls you down. You land on your right leg and
it fucking pops your knee out and it tears, and
you you know, and the story you cry in the
game and point out it's not because it hurt. It's
because I knew that I wouldn't be able to play anymore,

(34:31):
Whereas the way this is written, it's like, yeah, and
then I blew up my knee and then the scholarship
was gone, and I balled like a baby. But like,
it's not connected to the game or the event. It's
connected to like losing the scholarship, but that he wouldn't
be able to use a font that's true. This is

(34:52):
you are correct. This big, this incredibly important event in
this person's life is two sentences long. You are here.
Here's the central issue that Ben keeps having. He is
he thinks that he is making an emotionally affecting story
by having sad and difficult things happen to a family
of characters. But all he is doing is listing sad things,

(35:14):
rather than making us inhabit a moment in which something
difficult and sad happens. And it's because he understands the
broad strokes, Oh, yeah, your mom can get sick and
you don't have much money. You could you can hurt
yourself while playing in a game and not be able
to to go pro. But he doesn't understand enough about
what it actually means to be poor with a suffering,
sick family rout in the middle of nowhere, or what

(35:34):
what sports are to write scenes in which things happens
happen emotional. This is the epitome of facts don't care
about your feelings. Feelings, and this happened, this happened, and
like there's no attempt at like an empathetic approach to
it to like you're saying, like, yeah, get into this story,

(35:56):
get into the characters and like live these moments. Yeah,
well then this happened, and that's what that's that's bad.
So when facts don't care about your feelings, you're it's
you can't like, it's not human, it's not Yeah, like
maybe maybe have this guy going through the ship with
his mom and like like set up how difficult his

(36:17):
life is as he's you know, seventeen eighteen about to
go into college and then like his coach sees him
stressed out and he's like, hey, man, don't worry like
their scouts out there, You're so good. This is gonna
set you up for life, like you're you're you know,
you're going to move through this. All your hard work
is going to pay off. And then we have the
scene where he actually injures himself, and then maybe there's
like at least some kind of emotional connection. Maybe maybe

(36:40):
maybe you established the suffering and make him hope for
this moment before it falls apart, right, and like even
like describe like him playing football when he's not big
and burly and like he just really wants to, like
he loves he loves the game, you know, and then
it finally gets to play it and describe that feeling.

(37:00):
The title of this series should be editing Ben Shapiro's
book for him. Oh my god, it's a task, but
somebody needed to do it. Also, actually, now that I
look at it, the very first paragraph is also intended weird. Yeah,
and the second one. I just mean, you guys are
pitching great notes, great feedback. It's just like you might

(37:22):
make this a story. Feedback to Ben would be write
a story. Yeah, Like if you're like, if you want
to write a short story. I would recommend that you
write a short story, um as a list of sad
things that has a list of sad things with a
lesson that he wants people to gain from. I'm sure
we're building to it. We're getting there. I mean, I know,

(37:43):
I know from the title in the first fair Yeah,
fairness is bad. What I get it? Sucking Ben, But
like it's it's written like a parable. It would be
something where he has to take something for himself because
he stopped being fair. He's been fair as a life

(38:04):
or some ship. Let's get yeah, like, yeah, we're gonna
learn that fairness. I'm excited to get their cody. But
the important thing is I came home Comma quit state period.
I was there for football anyway, not for my studies.
When the football went, so did my shot at the
big time? Well yeah, the big time was the football?
Like what sorry, yeah, okay, fine, bad sentence. We're moving on.

(38:30):
And was like a saint. She took care of mom
and me and she made sure we got what we needed.
Jim would farm and he'd got right and he'd come
back at night. No, I don't even mean it like that,
Just like anyway, go ahead, the caretaker. Yeah she was.
She filled her role katie you see. Um, and he'd

(38:51):
come back at night and would have dinner already for him.
There we go exactly. Uh. Pretty soon I was able
to get around on my own. I'd never be able
to run fast again, but I could at least help out.
Jim used me mostly for field work, and he handled
the sales and the accounting and the marketing or whatever
the hell else need to be handled. Wait, that's weird.
Why wouldn't Jim do that because you're injured? Whatever. I

(39:14):
thought it was pretty cush of him to sit there. Okay,
here we go. I probably I thought it was pretty
cush of him to sit there in the air conditioned
office and make the decisions while I sweated. Mm hmmm yeah, yeah,
yeah again. Another piece of advice would be learned how
to use the words that just like the words also
like it's it's one of those things where like you know,

(39:36):
if you like uh center, like if you align the
text so it's like lined up on the left and
the right and it sort of spreads out the words.
Sometimes it'll it'll split words and have a dash by
the line, so like this is sweat dash new line ed,
which is like, it's like really highlighting that it's the
wrong word anyway, uh, and make the decisions while I sweat.

(40:00):
But there wasn't much I could do to complain. He'd
been to college, he knew his stuff. We got along
like that for a few years. Things hummed along, or
I guess mosy along is more like it. Same thing.
There is the thing that he does that he doesn't
seem to care about, and I try to remind I
give people a pass if it happened sometimes, but he

(40:21):
doesn't all the time. Writer right every so often in
a book that's beautifully written, it's unavoidable. And you see
a word twice really nearby. These important absolutely so important
to me. When I write a couple of sentences, like,
I do a pass specifically to make sure there's no repetition.

(40:44):
I'm embarrassed for him that it's like, yeah, it's the same.
It's reading somebody's rough draft, but it's reading a ninth No.
When I was a ninth grader, I wrote better fiction
than this. It wasn't good, but it was better than this. Sure,
but like an average ninth grader maybe no, you're right,

(41:06):
I think an average ninth grader. I remember like the
cartoons and ship my friends would draw, and they all
had better grip of story structure than this. No, this
is like sixth grade, fifth grade ship. Yeah, things hummed along,
mosey along, it's more like it. Because those different those

(41:29):
those different folksier Cody Mosey is what rural that much folong? No, no, no,
But I also hate the conceit of um the same thing,
like in a tweet or anything when someone goes like
corrects themselves and then keeps it. Do you know what

(41:50):
I mean? That concept that structure of like things hummed along? Well,
I guess mosey along is more like it. Edit it.
It makes mosy to long? Do you know what I mean?
That's like again trying to be cute. See, it's a
tactic that I'm always like out of here with that.
If you're trying to make it feel like authentically you know,
rule and down home. UM don't have the character self

(42:14):
editing his own thoughts to make himself. We're hearing your
thought process been as a man whose only time outdoors
has been that one time you couldn't get to a
rest stop driving off the five and you had to
pee by the side of the road and you got
scared because of the wind, like bad. Come on. I
I used to write these like, uh, spooky short stories. Uh.

(42:39):
They were like half like there was like gross and
silly and like kind of terrible on purpose, and the
narrator was like bad and I would do like comed
along or I and more like like I guess I
don't know the word for it actually anyway, and like
I would do because you're making fun of that. Yeah,
and mosy is the kind of word today you would

(42:59):
more often here from like I don't know, somebody who
got rich in the Bay Area and decided to move
to a town outside of Reading in the middle of
nowhere in order to feel more authentic cowboy where torn
good will fucking car hearts but whatever mailed that Robert,
I'm delighted by this episode so far. Yes, m hm anyway,

(43:28):
continuing to repeat this again, we got along like that
for a few years things hummed along or I guess
mosey along. It is more like it period until Jim
had his idea period and then we skip a couple
of lines. It's a new section of time. It struck

(43:48):
him one day while he was taking don't. You don't
need to skip this, you can just like it's to
compete a new paragraph. This is weird, all right. It
struck him one day while he was taking a look
at the wheat the wheat crop. That night at dinner,
we couldn't stop him from running on at the mouth. Okay, okay,
that's all right. I'm gonna oh, finally a conversation M.

(44:12):
Like I've been waiting, like showing interaction with between these people,
like what would what would one person say to the
other in a room together? We haven't any dialogue, But
finally some dialogue. M. Tommy, you won't believe this, he said.
Hold on, Jamie said, M. Mom's drooling. She wiped it

(44:32):
Mom's mouth while Jim babbled onto her. He never was
good at listening. The plow is just not aerating the ground, baby. Okay,
Well now he's sounding like the guy from Chrue Allegiance. Yeah, yeah,
that's how. Okay, good Good can take a bullet for you,
fucking baby, get run over by a tractor for you, baby.

(44:58):
He whipped out a piece of odd from his pocket. Jimmy,
take that dirt away from the table, said in his pocket.
In his pocket okay, because he's so goddamn folksy, he's
so down home fucking country boy that he keep his
motherfucking here. Look at how dance it is. Look how

(45:21):
there isn't any oxygen getting in there. What if there
was a plow that was even finer about aerating the ground.
My god, we could feed the entire world with machinery
like this makes rain cheapest dirt. He's the Tony Stark
of farms. Yeah. The only issue with everywhere not being
able to grow all the grain they want is the
soil is to dents d you gotta make it. Yeah, okay,

(45:46):
then the farm nowhere, Ben Shapiro, just like you didn't
have to do this, man, you could have whatever. I mean,
I'm sure there are yes. Soil is a makes the
only i mean, the only specific of farm life that

(46:07):
we're getting is this conversation about soil aeration. That's obviously bullshit.
You know, Like, but he started diagramming charts at the table.
My head was spinning, and I wasn't paying attention, So
why was your head spinning? Like what? Sorry? If you're
like it's like you're like, if you're not paying attention,
then it's not like, oh, my head is spinning, like

(46:29):
so many things, like no, you're not paying attention, You're
like blanked out, like whatever, It's fine, Who cares. My
head was spinning and I wasn't paying attention. I don't
think m was either. She was wiping it Mom's mouth,
and I have to admit I couldn't take my eyes
off of herky. I've never seen Jim so excited. He
wasn't the excitable type. Different word, man, use a different word. Uh,

(46:50):
he wasn't the excitable type. You understand, he got straight
a's through school. That doesn't mean you're not excitable. What
he was always teacher's pet. That also doesn't mean you're
not excitable. What. Everybody knew he'd go to college and
make a name for himself. Like nobody excitable. Ever, and
Jim knew it too. Ever, since he came back to
the farm, he'd been in a funk, like farming was

(47:12):
too low for him, I see, unlike Burbank's own, Ben Shapiro,
Austin's now right and again, one of the funniest things
about this is that, like the actual like buying tractors
is a fucking nightmare right now, because John Deere has

(47:33):
such domination of the market, and they do all sorts
of fund up ship to like make it illegal to
repair your own tractors a good like for example, say
someone competent like Cory doctor. Would it take on the
story with aspects of these themes. It would probably be
about how somebody figured out an incredible way to increase
crop efficiency and productivity by improving their tractor, and then
the John Deer Corporation came after them and destroyed their

(47:55):
life for legally modifying their own piece of equipment. Like again,
an author with something to say could take elements of
this and make a story. But this has been so
I'm gonna guess magically, the fact that the tractor, the
fact that there's a huge barrier to entry and even
manufacturing tractors, the fact that John Deere keeps it on
such like, all this stuff, I'm gonna guess is not

(48:16):
at all a factor in the stories. Would that be correct, Cody,
what you're saying being I would say that is correct.
This yard boy just make a tractor that gets huge.
Despite what you're describing seeming to me to be a
bit unfair, Yeah, it does seem I mean it seems
like you could make a great story called What's Fair
about You? Maybe his dad raises him with these strong

(48:39):
energy fairness and they're farming family and aspects of John
Dear's intellectual property ship fucks them over and sure to
get Bench Shapiro this episode, I think he's going to
be really yeah, yeah, anyway, just been I guess my
other piece of advice, my third piece of advice to
you this episode is have something to say. Yeah, oh, well,

(49:00):
get to what he has to say. I shouldn't be
telling him, just dying to know what is fair? Mhm,
nothing's fair. Life's not fair, I assume, and shouldn't be,
is what I assume he is about to say. But farming,
it's too low for Jim, is what I've gathered. I
always think that's why he hold up in the office

(49:20):
and let me do the grunt work. But now he
was excited again. Wait, he said he wasn't excited. He was,
and he's not excitable. You said he wasn't excitable and
that he never liked that, he never liked farming. So
he's excited about farming again. Two paragraphs earlier quote, I'd

(49:41):
never seen Jim so excited and then so now here
we are, but now he was excited again. Great, the
energy coming off him like the buzz in the air
after a lightning strike, Unlike anything before, except apparently some
other time that I'm remembering. He was drawing diagrams and
he was grabbing him. This is so god like. Delete
one of those sentences. He was drawing diagrams, and he

(50:02):
was grabbing him around the waist and singing little songs
to her. And he was even holding up those drawings
so Mom could see, even though she wasn't really seeing anything.
Too many evens in there. Uh. Then he came around
and gave me a hug around the neck. It was
the first time he'd hugged me since we were in
elementary school together. Tommy, he said, we're gonna be rich.

(50:23):
The productor's name is Tommy. Okay, okay, uh. Moving on
through time. As much time as he had spent in
the office, he was now spending it in the barn,
messing with our mechanical plow. Every time I'd go in there,
he'd be underneath the thing, a hammer or a wrench
in his hand, bashing away at the thing, not the thing,

(50:45):
things tightening something here screwing something there. Yeah, I shouldn't
have called it the thing twice in a row, real
close together. It's just and like it's just awkward. Every
time I'd go in there, he'd be underneath the thing,
a hammer, a wrench in hand, bashing away. It's the
thing awful, it really, it's like nails on a chalkboard.
To me, I don't interject every time it happens, but

(51:08):
it's like something twinges in my spine. Not again. The
finances went to the dogs. Okay. One time I signed
a check at the grocery and we were overdrawn. Another time, wait,
you can't overdraw the check? Bub how did you know? Yeah?
All right. Another time, I mean maybe they can, maybe

(51:29):
there's something, but go on. Another time the mortgage man
came down the road, fucking kidding me. Another time, that's
like that's our version of tax man or whatever. Another
time the mortgage man came down the road and asked

(51:50):
if we needed more time on the payment. We didn't.
Jim had just forgotten to pay him. Even m was
getting worried about his absent mindedness. And with Jim out
of control, everything's fun. Out of control. Oh fuck, that's
good that's just good clean fun. Cody, That's that's just

(52:12):
good clean fun. That's we no notes on that clean. Yeah.
Well let's splut this into a part two. Yeah, we
can do part two. We can continue this on into
the fucking new year. Um. I would do this the
rest of my life because I mean, be careful. That's

(52:34):
how we get ourselves into another new show. Like, let's
not say anything. We can't take good Katie can't. We're like,
we're good at it. And then let's just do it
every day and the souls are dead. Um, there's not

(52:56):
like a good like time jump coming up for another
couple of pages. Um, although we stop it here. Uh, honestly,
we can stop it. Uh yeah, and with gim out
of control, it seems like a good stopping spot. Agree,
you guys are yeah everything yeah, don't with everything out

(53:18):
of control on this podcast, don't let yourself spin out
of control until next time when this is though. What
an amazing writer. Yeah, this is a Christmas holiday miracle,
a miracle we tease something fun for you guys, and

(53:39):
this is this is what you've you've you deserved this
after the year. This is like it's like either a
compliment or a threat like yeah, I don't know which
all is fair. Maybe we deserve this, you deserve this. Yeah,
I can imagine us like patting a patting an exhausted
nurse on the shoulder and saying you deserve this, and
also staring at like an n f T brow and

(54:01):
going you deserve this. You and your ape show UM,
so yeah, I think um with gmatic control. Everything's when
I control. And we'll be back, uh next time to
find out the rest of this paragraph. And I can't wait.

(54:21):
Oh everything, so everything, So I tried. Worst Year Ever
is a production of I Heart Radio. For more podcasts
from my heart Radio, visit the I heart Radio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.