The Ascertainers

Send us Fan Mail

We talk a bit of sports on this one, hence the Wheel of Fortune Before and After-inspired title.  IYKYK...

• Mark's family recap
• Keep it Shrimple
• Green Room
• Yungblud preview
• Newt's--Not a Bad Seat in the House
• Special Newt's shoutout--Sarah
• Best in Show
• The Farting Contest
• Nerd Alert
• Karen flashback
• Self-righteous
• Boilermakers
• Nocturnal Mom's
• Vaccuums
• Songs of the Week:
  • Don't Be Cruel--Billy Swan
  • Is Sh...

Send us Fan Mail

Now that we are all comfortable with one another.....  Adjust your volume accordingly.

• Introductions
• 5K memories
• Reading glasses
• Newt's--Good Food, Good Times
• Neighborhood band
• Are you comfortable?
• We Are Family--Sister Sledge
• You're My Girl--April Wine
• Lovely Day--Bill Withers
• Shoutout our logo designer--Selena
• Jim's joke fails miserably
• Sweet Caroline--Neil Diamond
• State Fair
• RIP Prince
• Julio Iglesias Concert
• B...

Send us Fan Mail

Buckle up!  We've got 8 voices on this one (Jim's wife is on too).  Mark's Mom is an absolute DELIGHT!  And sister Karen let Jim live.

• Welcome Renee, Denise, Polli, Karen and Marlene (with Kris in the background)
• Bible terminology
• Coolio?
• 6th grader at a Pat Benatar concert 
• Newt's gets a 4 star Yelp review
• Mars, the pulltab queen
• Ever been arrested?
• Mark is an Angel
• JC Penney
• The Pine Tree
• Backyard cam...

Send us Fan Mail

Don't let the title fool you, it's not about the Motor City Madman, Ted Nugent.  It's just a topic-free zone this time around.

• Kdoctor Jim
• Mansfield Bar
• Pun of the Day
• Tune in for Mark's whole family next week!
• Will Karen hurt Jim?
• Golf Smack
• Newt's--Cory brings the heat 
• Lack of pull tab discipline
• Jim survived his 5K
• Apple Valley Car Clinic
• RIP Dash Crofts and Sif Kroft
• Paul McCartney Doc
• Songs of ...

Send us Fan Mail

A bonus episode (2nd recording of the night) from a few weeks back.  Jim's lack of profanity is almost too pure.

• March Madness
• Yearbook Bracketology
• Lighten up Karen
• What's with the toys?
• Newt's > Cheers
• This one's for you Lars
• Songs of the Week
  • Your Smiling Face--James Taylor
  • Lady Oh--Neil Diamond
• Kids In the Hall--Record Store Snob
• Greatest Hits--According to who(m)
• Neil Diamond--Hot August...

Send us Fan Mail

So, after three years of doing this project, Mark decides that he should mention the time he and his wife flew from LA to Las Vegas on a nearly empty plane.  The only other passengers?  Chuck Norris and his wife.  Really.

• Golf recap
• Sushi gout
• Goldy's 5k prep
• Mark meets Chuck Norris
• Newt's new feature
• Annette O'Toole
• TJ's Homebrew
• Bourbon
• RIP MN Vikings legends
• Chuck Norris story verified on air by Mar...

Send us Fan Mail

Fun little episode.  Jim's swearing got way better.

• Minimum wage Mark
• Goldy's Run update
• Fishing for compliments
• Race walking
• New knee update
• Chuck Norris
• Chuck Norris Facts
• Do you think Chuck ever ate at Newt's?
• Jeff Beck / Stevie Wonder
• Five Finger Death Punch
• Songs of the Week:
  • I Still Believe -- The Call
  • No Woman No Cry --Bob Marley and the Wailers
• Swearing update
• Something in Paris

#NewtsAppleV...

Send us Fan Mail

Yes, the movie Miracle, and no, this episode isn't that old--Mark just takes a while to watch movies.  Also, we loosen up a bit on copyright infringement and play a few notes.  Come and get us--might help our ratings.

Finally--Jim apologizes for his profanity and is working on it (still).

• How February works
• Chicken whore
• Right?
• Joe Walsh--So What?
• Advice to Rush
• Songs of the Week
  • Welcome to the Club--Joe Walsh
  • S...

Send us Fan Mail

We've got your basic Friday the 13th episode complete with a black cat sighting moments before recording.  Were we cursed?

• Kick 'em in the %*#@
• Hello Sharks
• Newt's 101
• Friday the 13th
• Songs of the Week
  • Tryin'--The Eagles
  • See You Later--Soul Asylum
• Just regular-stitious
• Kevin Nealon
• 2026 Golf predictions
• Kyler Murray is a Viking
• Volstead House
• Jello shots
• Whiskey--all you want!
• Shoutout Tommy

#N...

Send us Fan Mail

If at first you don't succeed, try 151 more times.  This episode is a reflection of that ambition.  But really, it's not that bad--although Mark says he edited out so much dead air that Jim sounds a bit manic toward the end.

• Brothers
• USA!
• Captain Crunch
• Shot gunning Cheetos
• The next Jimmy Stewart
• RIP Robert Duval
• War Movies
• RIP Lou Holtz
• Pipe Culture
• RIP Neil Sedaka
• Singer Songwriter fight to the finish!
• Songs of ...

Send us Fan Mail

You would think that our 150th episode might be a little bit more impressive...  Think of this as our way of showing how comfortable we are with you, the listeners (both of you).  Kind of like leftovers can be great comfort food or something like that.

• The Tree of Woe
• Newt's--Apple Valley's finest, the sponsorship origin story
• The Medical Minute:  Mark's knees and Rudy Gobert
• Mossball Torsion throwbac...

Send us Fan Mail

5 time guest Chantz and his buddy Alex join us for a matinee recording.  Of course we started the festivities at our awesome sponsor--Newt's in Apple Valley MN.  

• Jim's pending 5K
• Chantz's harrowing triathalon
• The white shorts story and other tales of horror
• Olympic stuff
• Anti-Grease hate
• Jack Black
• Epic movies
• Sports shmorts
• Diseases with human names
• Songs of the Week:
  • Evenflow--Pearl Jam
  • Children of the...

Send us Fan Mail

When Mark came up with the idea for this project, he wanted it to be a sports podcast.  Well, today he got his wish as we hit on the Olympics, and the Super Bowl with a little music and some laughs sprinkled in.  Enjoy.

• Weather report
• Get a room
• Jim's last episode
• ASL
• MAGIC
• Super Bowl recap
• Shoutout Guy Gosselin
• Newt's--The Best Sponsor Ever
• Waygu Jim
• Winter Olympics
• Kare 11 sports gal
• Miracle:  The Boys of 80
• Ski ...

Send us Fan Mail

....Eventually.

Fun little episode featuring death, social blunders, wieners and curling.  Tell your friends!

• The dark days of Bugs Bunny
• Newt's--Tell 'em we sent you
• Straight Mark
• TV For Dogs
• Mark's awesome white wine story
• RIP Catherine O'Hara
• RIP Chuck Negron 
• How Three Dog Night was named
• Some actual music talk (I know, right?)
• Geography for 200, Alex
• Wiener talk
• Olympic curling preview
• Songs of the We...

Send us Fan Mail

Nice little episode.  A few laughs, very little negativity and a tasteful amount of nudity.

• Beads
• Two dogs
• Newt's--Sports bar without all the bro's
• 30 gallons
• Chill out
• RIP Pat's Dad
• Loyal listener roll call
• Gilligan's Island
• Werner Klemperer
• Aunt Jemima 
• Back-to-Back Songs
  • We Will Rock You/We are the Champions--Queen
  • This Beat Goes On/Switchin' to Glide--The Kings
  • Feeling That Way/Anytime--Journe...

Send us Fan Mail

A slight departure to start this one.  Things are getting a bit tense for us, and we address how we deal with it.  As an important piece of context, this was recorded the night before the shooting of Alex Pretti in Minneapolis.  The rant is not related to that incident.  

The episode gets a lot happier as we turn to a very incomplete list of American guitarists that we like.

• Newt's--Still Crazy After all Thes...

Send us Fan Mail

Just for fun, Mark invites his college roommate Tommy to join.  That's a bold move, but it wasn't as incriminating as Jim hoped.  Also, Bob Weir of the Grateful Dead died this week (which explains the amount of talk surrounding him).

• The origin story--bodily fluids have entered the chat
• Just outside San Antonio
• Mark's cardigan
• First Grateful Dead show
• Bootlegs
• Thank you for your service
• Enid, OK and the ...

Send us Fan Mail

Kind of a meandering conversation.  In Jim's opinion, it's some of our best work.  And he doesn't even like this podcast.

• Powered by Newt's (Apple Valley, MN)
• Potatoes / Ketchup
• Demographics
• Cosby (sorry)
• Timberlake
• Jessica Beil (what is this--TMZ?)
• We are in the future
• Two man dead pool
• Songs of the Week
  • The Time of the Preacher--Willie Nelson
  • Shining Star--Jerry Garcia Band
• Gingerbread Houses
• J...

Send us Fan Mail

This episode has something for everyone.  Philippines history, boxing, burps and one old guy explaining KPOP to another old guy.  Oh, and we're giving away 3 Ascertainers T-shirts!

•  The Philippines
• The Ascertainer's Newt's Nachos Challenge (not in any way affiliated with Newt's)
• Jim time traveled
• Mark could've been a contender
• Thai Curry--can't even hit a 3 pointer
• Burp talk
• RIP Dick Enric...