Sam Was Here: Losing My Son to Addiction

Sam told me he would never forgive me for turning him in when he robbed a bank but I was positive he would.    I knew that as soon as he got sober, he would understand that I did what I had to save his life.   I wish I could say that I was successful, but he died first.   

This episode is about living with unresoved conflict when we lose a son or daughter to addiction.    

When we no longer have the opportunity to work through thes...

Gratitude is most important during the times it's the hardest to feel. such as during great loss and tragedy.   However, finding gratitude for what we once had, and what we still have now, is a scientifically proven tp create a profound difference in our life by the simple act of shifting our focus.     

In this episode, I talk about why gratitude is important, how it has helped me in my grief, 3 specific reasons it's important, an...

I recently heard a metaphor that I want to share:  Life is like ascending a spiral staircase and because of this, we keep revisiting the same core problems and  issues time and again.      They may not always look the same, but they often hold the same roots.    Consequently, when we see ourselves faced with the same type of issues over and over, it's often easy to miss how much we have grown, and it's also very important not to.  ...

When I started this podcast, my intention was to talk more about Sam's addiction and death than I have, but that was before I realized how important my focus is as I move forward with grief.   If I zero in on the tragedy that I cannot change or undo, I am surrendering the valuable time I have left here, whereas If I focus on healing, knowing that I will ALWAYS carry this grief, I am developing the tools I need to make the burden of...

Losing a child is such a torturous journey that If we wait until we feel like moving forward into healing, some of us may never get there.    This is why I believe that instead of waiting until we feel like it, we should wait only until we are capable, whether we feel like it or not. 

In this episode, I talk about why we need to push ourselves into the process when we can and three specific reasons why this will benefit us in the l...

When Sam died, I was surprised to notice all of my relationships were  shifting.   Some became closer and some more distant.   At first I felt hurt and misunderstood but I have learned quite a lot in the past 33 months.

In this episode, I discuss why our relationships naturally change when we lose a child, my perspective on this shift, and how I choose to approach it.  I also talk about how my family of origin has felt the pain of ...

When I think about Sam's death, which is large portions of every single day, it's easy for me to get locked into one specific cause or reason for it.   The problem with this is that it causes me to focus too heavily on one area, blame myself or others, and obsess on a problem I can not cure.

In this episode, I discuss why it's important to remember how complex our son or daughter's addiction and death really is and why it's importa...

Shame can be a good emotion if it is used to create change but most of us hold on to it long after the lesson has been learned and we suffer long term consequences because of it.

In this episode, I discuss 3 aspects of Sam's death that I still carry shame about along with the logical arguments I use to help myself feel better.    It's an ongoing battle but I fight daily because I see shame ruin too many lives.   

I also talk about ...

One of the harshest realities I have had to face since losing Sam is that I live under the glass ceiling of grief now.   My best days and most fantastic experiences will never be as purely joyful as they used to be.   They start that way and my excitement is real,  but the joy I feel is forever anchored in the sorrow of Sam's absence.   This is part of losing a child.   I believe that it is a grief that we do not overcome, we can o...

In my opinion, any emotion we carry after losing a Son or a daughter is valid.  I know that anger is a common emotion after losing a kid to addiction because there is so much chaos and disbelief that we could not save them, but I have never felt angry towards Sam, just fear that I would lose him.

In this episode, I discuss why I am not angry at Sam, how much I identify with him, and why I think the cops that arrested him that night...

One of the emotions I have always struggled with is the shame.   I have made plenty of mistakes in my life and when they happened, I would always try to explain, excuse, and then use super human strength to rectify my wrongs.    I could not bear the thought of people thinking poorly of me for being irresponsible and not getting things done.   Being the black sheep of a highly functioning family, It is a struggle I have lived with f...

Running was an activity I could always count on before Sam died.  For nearly 40 years, I had run through anxiety, depression, stress, and most other difficult times.   It had always provided me with solace, energy, adventure, and a clear mind.

After Sam died, I could not run.   I would have expected it to be something that would help me and instead, I was terrified of it.   Starting over, the heavy breathing, the facing of life on ...

Losing a child is the hardest thing a parent will ever go through and navigating it as a couple most certainly places tremendous strain on a relationship.   I have been divorced for many years and was not in a relationship when Sam died.   

In this episode, I discuss some of the potential benefits and drawbacks in dealing with Sam's death without a partner and why being alone during this time, (while sounding lonely and frightening...

When we lose a child, we are confronted with how dark and tragic life can become in one moment of time, because we have lived through it.   The rest of the world knows this too, intellectually, but now that we have gone through the worst, it's hard to trust life again.    The fear of another phone call or knock on the door can be stifling.   

It's important to acknowledge and manage our fear of what lies ahead and also stand strong...

This past week was a tough one for me.   Mother's Day, Sam's 26th birthday, and the 2 1/2 year anniversary of his death.   

Unfortunately, we can't reset the clock when we lose a son or daughter.   We can't change the dates or the circumstances, and we can't avoid dealing with difficult reminders such as birthdays, the date of their death, and other celebrations such as Mother's and Father's day.   

In this  episode, I discuss my f...

Losing a child not only destroys our own world but it's very upsetting to those who love and care about us as well.   They often try to say and do things to help us out of our blinding pain.  To this day, I have so much appreciation for everyone who showed up for me and my family when Sam died.   I also understand that as humans, we show up for the people we love in the best way we know how. 

Unfortunately, there is very little peo...