Mel Robbins At Lisa's Book Club

What started with a DM and was two years in the making is now a reality! Mel Robbins joins Lisa at Big Night Live to discuss her new #1 best selling book The Let Them Theory. Mel shares the story of the Let Them Theory, her relationship with her kids and all the advice we needed to hear!

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey, Welcome to Lisa's Book Club, a podcast where I
interview best selling authors from the New England area, pulling
back the curtain on what it's really like being a
best selling author. They're guilty pleasures, latest projects, and so
much more.

Speaker 2 (00:16):
Well, you've been waiting for it. Mel Robbins. Holy shit,
I can't believe how many of you are here. You're
like Taylor Sweat. This is crazy. Well I got my
shirt untucked, you know, because when you host a podcast,
I don't get to see you. It's so Yeah, it

(00:37):
is so amazing to see you. Thank you for coming out,
Thank you for being here, Thank you for being excited
about a book. Wow. What seat do you want? Yeah?
Reading's fun, right, yes, give it up? Relisha wow, unbelievable. Okay,

(00:58):
should we sit down? What we don't know? What just happened? Yeah?
Oh holy cow, we're sitting. We're talking. Do we have
a water? Yeah? Anywhere I have wine. We'll get you
some water. I should probably a little water first before
I start all right doing this. So welcome to Lisa's

(01:19):
Book Club. Oh my god, I love you. Thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I want
to tell a.

Speaker 1 (01:25):
Little story about how this happened.

Speaker 2 (01:27):
Can I while you're having your water?

Speaker 3 (01:29):
Sure?

Speaker 1 (01:30):
Mel and I met like fifteen years ago, and we
I know, right like fifteen years we were sitting next
to each other at a salon in Boston, Mario Russo salon.
Is that where we met? Yep, and I listened, you
were listening inst We were sitting next to each other
and Monica, we're easy, Yeah, she's here, she is here,

(01:52):
she's over here, she's right there.

Speaker 2 (01:55):
Sure, Monica.

Speaker 1 (01:57):
So she said you need to meet Mel, and I said,
I want to meet Mel. So I think you actually
came on the show fifteen years ago.

Speaker 2 (02:05):
I did see this tells you how when you have
anxiety you have no memories.

Speaker 1 (02:11):
But I don't remember that I was actually at the studio.
I think you called in okay, because you were in
New York. So now fast forward fifteen years. I start
the book club and I focus on New England authors,
people that have a connection to New England.

Speaker 2 (02:27):
So I shot off, I shot off.

Speaker 1 (02:30):
A text, I mean sorry, a DM to you okay,
never thinking you would get back to me, and I said, hey, Mel, remember.

Speaker 2 (02:36):
Me from the salon. She got back to me, well,
of course. Well, first of all I had no friends,
so I and the rest is history.

Speaker 1 (02:47):
She said, yeah, I don't have a book right now,
but yeah, let's do this. And here we are here,
we are here, we are here, we are here, we
are well.

Speaker 2 (02:56):
Thank you and thank you for seriously like, I know
you have no time, so I appreciate you finding the
time and making the time to be here. And I
never thought about like how cool it would be to
have a book club and a reading club at a bar.

Speaker 1 (03:10):
But that's a great and a DJ like this is wow. Yeah,
this is really fun. And that's why we're here because
all of these people, I mean, they're all here because
they want to talk about something and they want to
meet new people and they want to make connections. Right,
you're my kind of people. Great, I need to ask

(03:30):
you something. So you've been breaking record after record, last week,
number one podcast, none in the world like Lewis side
Joe Rogan.

Speaker 2 (03:41):
You just shut Joe Rogan off to the side, just
get out of the way, out of nothing against show,
but no, out of the way. It's great.

Speaker 1 (03:52):
Number one, Near Times bestseller, Audible, bestseller number one on Amazon.

Speaker 2 (03:56):
Record after record after record. Then you meet.

Speaker 1 (03:59):
Oprah and she says to you, your book is the
best self help book she's ever read.

Speaker 2 (04:08):
Well, it's definitely the best self help book I've ever written.
So out of all of these things, what gets you
the most excited? You know, what I'm the most excited
about is I'm the Can I say more than one thing? Yeah? Okay,
So what I'm the most excited about is that you're

(04:33):
excited about the possibility of being happier and having more
freedom and peace in your life. That's what I'm excited about.
And I'm excited that in a moment in time where
I think we all feel like things are out of control,

(04:54):
or we're worried about people in our lives, or we're
worried about larger issues, that you're still finding time to
improve yourself. It's the best thing that you could do
for your kids. It's the best thing that you could
do for your partner, if you're in a relationship. It

(05:15):
is the best thing you could do for yourself, because
if you're a little happier, if you have a little
bit more ability to focus, if you're not exhausted all
the time, because you've been given your power away to
lots of things that don't deserve your power, then you're
in a better position in your own life to just

(05:39):
achieve your goals, to realize that you deserve a little
bit more credit first and foremost from yourself. And I
just think that's so fucking cool. And I don't you know,
I don't swear on the podcast that often because I
know that a lot of people listen with their kids.
But we're at a bar, so all podcasts rules are off.
And if you're watching this on the live stream, then

(06:01):
you're warned because one of the things that I also
noticed that really fucking pisses me off, if I'm actually
being honest here, is that the only criticism that we
would ever get on our podcast when people would write
reviews is like I get down like that g tweeters
and I'm like, is that why you're gonna ding me
like this? And so I'm like, it's not a battle
I'm gonna fight because I would rather people not not

(06:23):
listen because of that. Then you know, to real and
I can save the f's for you guys, but I'll.

Speaker 4 (06:31):
Tell you what.

Speaker 2 (06:32):
It is so cool to see you all and and
and if you like have something you've been burning to
ask me, be thinking about it, because we're going to
talk for a little bit. But then I'm either going
to come into that audience unless it means I'm gonna
get swarmed, but I am going to be taking questions
and coaching you guys. And if you have yeah fuck

(06:52):
yeah whoever said that? And all I'm gonna say is
be careful what you ask because I will answer. And
if you have any burning questions, I'm sure Lisa'll ask
a number, but you are welcome to ask as well.

Speaker 1 (07:08):
All right, So I read the let Them Theory cover
to cover twice, okay, and I know you guys all
got your books here, but let's go back twenty twenty three. Yep,
you released a video yep on TikTok about the let
Them theory, but that wasn't where it started. It started

(07:28):
with your son's prom right, well, probably started.

Speaker 2 (07:32):
With me being a complete control freaking micromanager for most
of my life, driving myself and everybody crazy. Okay, and
you like that story, Oh look at these let empty shirts?
Look at this? Okay? How many of you can relate
to those moments where you're like, feel the emotion coming

(07:53):
up and the words come out of your mouth before
you can shove them back in and you're like, why
am I so upset about this? And you know, I'm
just gonna state on the record everybody, the reason why
this is exploded. This is the single most successful nonfiction
book ever released in history. Seriously, And the reason why

(08:17):
this is so successful is I this isn't a new idea.
It's not like I'm the first human being that said,
stop trying to go prol stuff you can't control. You're
gonna be happier. I mean, this is something you know,
this is the truth about life. And so whether you

(08:38):
kind of hear this power of let them Lisa or
the power which I think the more important part is
let me. Let me remind myself that there are things
I can do. Let me remind myself that I deserve
to have some fun, I deserve some respect, I deserve
to create some friendships. And so I'm gonna get to

(09:00):
the story. I mean, I'm now on a roll. Sorry,
We're going to church. Everybody so charged with alcohol my
favorite kind that we're gonna start a new church. So
I I literally this is exploded. Even my mom when
she read the book, which I was like, oh fuck,
let them, let them, let them let them. What is
she gonna say? My mom was phenomenal, and she's just like,

(09:20):
I love this, and then she said, in fact, I
think this is my idea. And she said, because you know,
I've always told you you got to just let people
be who they are. And you know, the let me part,
let me part is pull up your big girl panties
and deal with it. And so this has exploded because
I am reminding you of what you know to be true,

(09:42):
and it is the truth about how life works. And
when you work against the rules of human nature and life,
it just creates problems for you. And so you know,
I think you've probably been hanging out with me, and
I promise I'll get to the prom story Lisa, because
I'm like, is she gonna get to the question? But

(10:07):
the thing that I that you probably know hanging out
with me, when you spend time either watching stuff that
we put out on social media, or you watch the
podcast or you listen to it, is I'm not bullshitting
when I say I believe in you. I'm not because
I know that the only thing that's standing in your

(10:29):
way is that you feel a little discouraged or you've
got a lot on your plate. And what I know
about you and I know about all of us, is
that through your attitude and some simple, tiny little actions,
you can improve anything and gain a little momentum. And

(10:49):
I believe you're capable of that, and sometimes you just
need somebody to remind you of that. And so, you know,
I think this has exploded because that it's all like,
that's the heart of what we're doing in the podcast,
in this book, it's just reminding you that you do
have power. And that's why I say I believe in you.

(11:11):
And you know what was happening for me is you know,
I've known this for a long time. I know I
drive myself crazy. I know I control the wrong shit.
I know I pour too much time into people's drama,
but I hadn't ever been Does anybody else have trouble
letting things go? Like I've never been able to do that?
And then I'm married to somebody who is so zen?

(11:33):
Like I don't know what your husband's like, Like, is
he chill zen? More zen than me? Definitely? Like it's irritating.
I'm a control freak and it might just be that
he's they're not your partner's not zen. They've just tuned
your ass out because you're annoying, right, So there was
just something about this moment at the prom where you know,

(11:55):
our our son decided two days before that he was
going to go, which was super annoying because I thought
that we were gonna not have to deal with this.

Speaker 1 (12:04):
Right because you have two girls and the girl's plan
months in advance.

Speaker 2 (12:08):
Oh my god. So there that my daughters went to
Dover Sherburn, and so you know, you know the drill
in Boston. It's like there's a Facebook group where they
claimed dresses and then you're like, what the hell is
going on? And then do you know how many fights
we had in the Natick mall about dresses and the
lectures of like, get something that's appropriate, understand the event,

(12:31):
like you don't need a bondage dress, like I don't
want like my your dad's friends to think you're sexy,
You're an idiot, like and so I the spray tans.
And I actually had in a salon in Natick such
a mother daughter cat fight with our middle daughter, who

(12:53):
was so effing entitled, you know, between the yeah, you
know I didn't have let them then, so I will,
And I was like, you're gonna have to pay for
this and get a ride home because all the stuff
that we've done to get here. So when he said
we're not going to problem, I'm like, oh, thank god.
And then two days beforehand, it's game on and we're

(13:15):
in the middle of I think it was like in
the middle of the well. No where's coming out of there.
But he's like, all of a sudden needs a certain pair
of sneakers. I'm like, where we're going to find a tucks.
Next thing, you know, he's asking some senior that he
doesn't know, and I'm like, what are you doing? And
then I'm like, you need a corsage and he's like,
she doesn't need a corssage. And then I spend all
this time how have you even been on Pinterest? You're like, hah,
I'm gonna get this corsage because I got to manage

(13:35):
this shit because I don't want the weird, awkward thing
where he's the only person because he's an idiot, and
he's like, you know, like and he didn't figure this out,
and I'm not gonna let him do this, and I'm
not gonna get to that thing. And then I meet
the parents and like, come on, you can relate to this, right,
of course. And so we get there and thankfully our
daughter Kendall was home. She was the one that I
had the drop down mma fight with at the salon

(13:57):
and Natick and we're talking and we get there and
you guys, if you haven't read the book, there's this
horrible moment where you know, he's like, don't bring the corsage,
and like, I'm bringing the corsage. You don't know what
you're talking about. And I stick in my purse and
we get to this you know, those pre palm parties
where it's like the oscars. You know, everybody's like, god,
the things, and I'm thinking, I'm looking our daughters. Can

(14:22):
we also just talk about the fact that the average
fifteen year old looks like a supermodel? Of course they do.
I had like a Dorothy Hammel haircut and.

Speaker 1 (14:30):
Bite teeth and braces' allyway.

Speaker 2 (14:36):
I'm so glad you had that haircut. Oh my god.
And so we walk in and we meet his date.
She's lovely, her parents are there, and she pulls out
a boot neer and I'm like, oh yes, And I
pulled out that corsage that my son told me not
to bring, and I was like, hey, here's the corsage,
you know, in case, you know, Yoka said you didn't

(14:58):
want one. And as the the words are coming out
of my mouth, I notice she's already wearing one that
she has made. And you know that moment where your
family just energetically and physically disowns you. You know, my

(15:18):
husband doesn't like really drink, and he starts walking toward
the bar at the kitchen island and she was very gracious.
She stuck her wrist out and then things went to normal.
But then it started to rain, and here we are.
Nobody knew it was going to rain. It's not a
dangerous rainstorm, but it's like a rainstorm. And you got

(15:40):
all these kids in black tie. They have no plans,
which I'm finding out at this moment because I'm like, hey, oh,
where are you guys going to dinner? Like maybe you
should wait? Should I call the restaurant? You know, because
it's pouring outside. And you know, the other weird thing
is you're driving, apparently, which doesn't happen in Boston because
we're now up in Vermont and he's like, go, I

(16:00):
know what we're doing for dinner. I'm like, wait, what
you guys don't have dinner plans? What are you talking about? Now?
This didn't bother my husband, and so I now take
it on as if I'm supposed to solve this. And

(16:23):
these kids can't go outside because we can't let her
hair get we can't drive. She's not even my child,
and I'm trying to control her. And I just could
feel that, like, oh my god, annoying. And my daughter
reached out and grabbed me. This was probably a trauma
response from the Native Salon. Yeah, like throw down that happened.

(16:48):
And she's like, Mom, you're being And I'm like, but
they don't have any butting. She's like, let them and
I'm like, but but it's raining, it's gonna ruin it. Mom.
Let them when to sneakers a better better drag. Mom.
If she wants to get let them. It's it's their problem,
not yours. Let them do what they want. And you

(17:10):
know how you know it's not the most complicated idea.
You know, it's sort of like that it's two words.
It's two words. Like it's sort of like that scene
in Nemo where he's clinging to dear life and dorries
like in the belly of the way, I like, just look,

(17:30):
you know, like that, and there is just something. There's
certain moments in your life where a lifetime of wisdom
and what you know to be true comes crashing down
and just hits you in the forehead and you are
never the same again. And the truth is is that

(17:52):
in that moment, my shoulders just dropped and I thought
to myself, well, why do I care about this? And oftentimes,
like how many times have you sent one of those
emails at work where you spend like ninety minutes because
you're ticked off at somebody You're like totally and then
you sign to like best and then you hit send.

(18:15):
It's not everything.

Speaker 1 (18:17):
Everything that Mellet describes is something that I've done right,
or something that all of you have done every single situation.
That's why everyone loves you.

Speaker 2 (18:27):
This is so relatable, Like it's insane. It's insane because
we're all insane, right, And it doesn't do anything except
forget you worked up and make all your colleagues roll
your own roll their eyes at you. Right, nobody replies,
and so like, I say this because it was really

(18:51):
over the course and for those of you, how many
of you started using just saying let them and let me,
Like it's so easy, right that you notice immediately now
I say this all the time, and it's like there's
a secret lever inside you that you can pull that
any time. And this is what I started to notice,
and this is what you'll start to notice too, is
that anytime you find yourself annoyed, stressed out, frustrated, worried, hurt,

(19:16):
said whatever in life, Like I'm sure some of you
who are back there as we were standing back, they're
waiting to go and you couldn't quite get his eye.
I see you guys all out there. You're like, God,
they're getting selfie, but I can't get a selfie. And
then you start getting all pissed off about something that's
out of your control. Just let them, and it allows
you to drop your shoulders. And what you'll start to

(19:39):
realize is you always say it in regard to other
people because other people are really annoying. And life is
annoying and it's true and it's never going to not be.
But I'm here to tell you, and this was the
huge awakening for me. Wait a minute, life and other
people have no power unless you give it to them, period.

(20:07):
And that's what it taught me that, holy shit, I
have a lot more power because if somebody had said
to me, you're very powerfully like, hm, hmmm, I don't
have any power. What power are you talking about. Well,
when you finally have this tool to say, let them,
let that person be in a bad mood, let my mom,
you know, do what she's gonna do. Hi mom, let

(20:27):
my you know, dad? Whatever. Let let it snow four inches,
you know, in the Panhandle today, even though this is
my week to be on vacation here, you know, like,
just it's beyond your control, so why give it power?
And then this is the best part everybody. The more
you say those words let them and you recognize, okay,

(20:48):
this is not worth my time and energy, the more
you value it, and the more you value your time
and your energy, the more you realize, oh my god,
I have time. I'm an energy, right.

Speaker 1 (21:01):
It gives you the space to kind of just rest
for a second, think about how you want to react
to whatever situation you just said let them to so
then you can figure out what I want to do,
where do I want to be?

Speaker 2 (21:16):
And that's the whole thing.

Speaker 1 (21:18):
Creating space and creating peace, yes, in your life.

Speaker 2 (21:23):
Yes. And here's what I'm going to tell you. I
don't know if you guys have found this out, but
I have certainly found that. Boy, there were a lot
of conversations that I didn't need to be participating in. Yeah,
not every text needs a response, not every meeting needs
your opinion.

Speaker 4 (21:41):
You know.

Speaker 2 (21:42):
Like the more you realize, wait a minute, like I
actually do get to say what gets my time and energy,
then something really cool happens. You realize, whoa The let
me part is the best part, because this is where
I take control of everything. This is where I take
responsibility and let you know, as you guys have heard
me say, Okay, responsibility is just the ability to respond,

(22:05):
That's what it is. And I think oftentimes we think
it's our job to respond, to take care of to
make people happy, to make sure people aren't disappointed. And
when you realize, wait a minute, I get to choose
when I want to do those things, a whole lot
of power starts to show up in your life. And

(22:26):
this is the part that's also annoying. You realize that
you're controlling nature has been stifling your kids and your
partner because they don't actually have the space to be
able to find their power and to be able to
face their struggles with you by their side, rather than
you micromanaging every step of the way. And I'm talking

(22:46):
to myself.

Speaker 1 (22:47):
Here, and I'm glad you brought up kids because we
have a lot of moms in this book.

Speaker 2 (22:53):
I see a bunch of dudes, all right, that are
here too.

Speaker 1 (22:55):
I've got two teenage boys, and I'm telling you there's
there's a lot of conflict when you're trying to parent
kids that are teenagers going into college because they're trying
to exert their own independence, but they're not really ready yet.
So this let them theory is unbelievable. Can you explain

(23:16):
how we can use it?

Speaker 2 (23:17):
Sure? So one of that couple. One big disclaimer, though, everybody,
the book and the theory is really about adult relationships,
so it works with teenagers and young adults. But for
those of you with youngsters in your life, if you
flip to the back in the appendix, there is an
extraordinary free download for you that is all about how

(23:39):
you use this with parenting. And one of the things
that I'm super excited about is that it was co
written by an extraordinary person here in Boston by the
name of doctor Stuart Ablon.

Speaker 5 (23:51):
So.

Speaker 2 (23:51):
Doctor Stuart Ablon is a psychologist who has been practicing
for thirty years. He's at mass General Brigham. He's the
founder of something called Think Kids. He loves the let
them theory and it aligns with thirty years of research.
But they're important caveats when it comes to little kids.
And so that guide is because you know, you're responsible

(24:13):
for the needs of children. You're responsible to help them
understand and regulate emotions, which I did not do as
a parent, which is why all three children are in therapy,
and I pay for it in order to absolve myself
of guilt. So I know, but I mean, I mean,
like there are things that I just didn't know. And

(24:34):
that's the other thing that really drives me is I've
caused myself and people in my life so much heartache
and pain because I didn't know. And if I can
share a small thing, whether it's through an expert that
comes on the show, or it's through writing a book
or sharing just the things that I'm screwing up or

(24:56):
I'm discovering in my life, and it saves you or
somebody that you care about the headache and the heartache
that you're causing yourself because you didn't know. Well, that's incredible.
And so with the kids, thank you. With the kids,
you know you're on the hook for a lot more.
And obviously when somebody's doing something dangerous or destructive or discriminatory, no,

(25:19):
you don't just let them walk away. I mean, you
can't stop them if they're already doing it. The problem
with that kind of behavior is people don't do it
in front of you. But the let me part is
you get to choose how you step in. I mean,
we've all been in that situation with a friend, for example,
who's drunk too much. Well, the let them part's already over.
They already had the alcohol, right, But when it comes

(25:41):
to whether or not they get in the car, that's
where the let me part comes in. Do you take
the keys? Do you deal with their irritating reaction? I'm fine, fine, fine, fine?
Do you make them sleep on the couch. That's how
you stop focusing on them and you actually realize you
have the power. And with kids, what you're going to
find is you already said it that. As they get

(26:04):
a little bit older in high school, they're designed to
push against you. They are designed to test you. They're
holding it together all day long, for eight hours you're
not even there. You don't know what's going on. And
so when they come home, if they're kind of letting
it out with you, that's a good sign because they've
been holding it together all day. And so doctor Stuart Ablin,

(26:25):
this I found to be really incredible. He has what
he calls the with them approach. So you let them
be their own person. You let them choose what sports
they play, You let them pursue the things that interest them.
You let them struggle. But the let me part is
let me make sure you know I'm with you. And
the single biggest takeaway from him that changed my life

(26:47):
that I would not have written in the book without
him was you always ask your kids this question when
they're struggling, have you thought about what you might want
to do about this? I just realized, I'm turning my
back on all these people over here. Let me turn
this chair over. Sorry, Hi, I see all these let
Them T shirts. That's so sir. I love that. You
should sell them. Go on at sea and sell them. Yes,

(27:08):
they're fantastic. Make jewelryes sell t shirts. You guys are fantastic.
Can you get it on it up? Go do it
on it? Yes, you just got it on video. It's
on stream. You guys could rip a copy of it
back to you. I'm sorry, I'm chatting up a storm.
I'm sorry. Yeah. We were just talking about kids and
just like how to use the let them, okay, let them,

(27:31):
let them.

Speaker 1 (27:32):
The other thing I want to talk about, which is
a big part of the book our relationships. Okay, whether
you're looking for one, whether you just started one, whether
you're in one and you're not happy with what you're doing.

Speaker 2 (27:47):
I see somebody raising their hand, but they're like, that's me.
Is that because you're not happy?

Speaker 1 (27:50):
Like all yeah, okay, all right, So fill us in
on how we can navigate through all of these tough relationships.

Speaker 2 (27:58):
So are you talking about a real relationship with a
romantic partner? A relationship with a romantic partner? Okay? So
the book is divided into eight sections. The last section
is all about love. I also want to point out something.
So I wrote this book with my twenty five year
old daughter, Sawyer. I don't know Swyer. Where are you?

(28:18):
Where is she? She's hiding. She's like, oh, there she is,
So I mean, there she is. And she didn't intend
on doing this. She worked for Akamai here in Boston
for two years and then saved up her money and
went on a four month long solo backpacking trip to Asia.

(28:41):
That was a big let the moment for me where
I'm like, I can't find her location. Oh my god.
She came back broke. And I had always wanted to
work with my kids because I would love to see
them throughout the rest of my life. And I think
it'd be cool to have a family business. But my
kids have always been like, absolutely not. And the prom

(29:05):
stories that I've told of probably an indication as to why.
But so she gets home and she's really cute. I
hope you don't mind me telling the story about how
she literally made a selfie video the day she arrived
home of her crying going I'm just so lost. I
don't know what to do with my life. You know,
I've made it to do list. I've got to find

(29:25):
my purpose, make money. Stop crying, Like stop crying was
on her to do list. Yeah, and so, and if
you have a twenty something in your life, you know
what a difficult decade that is because the world is
so big and you think you're supposed to have it
figured out, and it's so easy to feel so lost.
So I said to her, you know, you need money,

(29:47):
and I have this thing that I'm starting to talk
about and it's going viral, and I'd love for somebody
to do a research project. I mean hiring somebody. I
might as well pay you. And I said, and you
don't have to work with me, you can work with
somebody else on our team. So you don't even have
to talk to me if you don't want to. And
she dug into the project and never looked up. And

(30:11):
we started to write this book together. And I want
to tell you something super cool about this. First of all,
it nearly killed us because we were living together and
we were working on this thing every day, and we
are very different people. I'm nuts and she's very sane,

(30:31):
and I am very creative, and she thinks in Excel spreadsheets.
And I'm also fifty six and she's twenty five. And
so she was this fears forced to be reckoned with
because I would I would go like, well, we got
to I think I'm going to talk about this story.
She'd be like, I don't care about this story. Nobody

(30:53):
my age gives a shit about that. Like you got
to come up with a different story like that, You
got a different story. And so every single word of
that book we argued over. And what I love about
it is that it is applicable to everybody. Now. It
is applicable to you in your teens, in your twenties,

(31:16):
because we thought about you and we argued about whether
or not the stories that were in there, you would
find yourself being like me, I'm the villain in almost
every story, or the person who is subjected to somebody
like that. And the other thing that happened is when

(31:37):
we were writing the love section, so to get to
your story, So we write the love section, and when
it comes to let them for anybody who is so,
just give me a sense how many of you are single,
or you're still kind of like I want to or
your newly broken up, or do raise your hand. I'm
not going to fucking come talk to you right now. Okay, great,

(31:58):
So I just want to say something that the single
thing that will prevent you from creating the love and
the relationship you deserve is that you refuse to accept
the reality of the person in front of your face,
that we are so eager to be loved because you

(32:20):
deserve that, that we start seeing people, and then you
date the potential. You live in the fantasy instead of
accepting the reality of the bad sex and the person
that just slinked out the door like a stray cat
in the morning. And then when they tell you they

(32:40):
don't want to put a label on it, you're like,
well maybe, And that's where this is going to change
your life, because they're not the problem. People show you
how they feel about you through their behavior. They show
you what is important to them through their behavior. So
if you literally or trying to insert yourself into somebody's life,

(33:04):
or you think you're they've got a problem and you
can fix it, or that if you just stick around
long enough, they're going to love you, or if you
know you just kind of oh, well, you know, maybe
they'll do a little bit. And not everybody's perfect. I'm
not saying don't frankenstein somebody, but you have to learn
to say let them, because creating the love and the

(33:25):
relationship that you deserve, Lisa, it's about learning how to
love and accept the person that you're with as they
are and as they're not, let them show you who
they are. Yes, And then let me ask myself, is
this something I'm choosing or am I choosing it? And

(33:47):
I'm up in my head going, well, I can work
on this. Well you know, yeah, I could have used
it two ten years ago, Like I know, because we
do this with the people that were with too, Like
you're with and you wish they were different, And just
imagine the reverse that the person that you're with is like, damn,

(34:09):
if only Mel wasn't so menopausal and controlling and bitchy
and she wanted to have sex more often. But so no,
I'm I'm I'm dead serious about this, but I'm gonna
But so it's the let them peace is really about
you recognizing there's a human being in front of you.
Nobody is perfect. Stop frankensteining people into the like gotta

(34:32):
be the perfect thing. And and really the book talks
a lot about is eighty percent of the stuff that
actually is important here Because if you got eighty percent
of the stuff that's person, the person's loyal there, you
can be yourself around them, they're kind to you. You
got the shit that matters and let me tell you

(34:55):
what also happened though. Do you have a do you
ever you want? Do you want to try to stop talking? No?
I want you to talk. Keep talking. I still have
more questions. I have so many more posts. Okay, great, Wrenn,
keep it. I'll just tell you this part though, Yeah,
because I see story's standing there. So you guys check
this out. So we write the whole love section and
we go from like being single and finding somebody, and
then that part where're like, I'd like to take this

(35:16):
to the next level. How do you do that without
being a psycho freak and too emotional? Well, i'll tell
you how. There's a script in the book that is genius.
You literally go to somebody, whether it's you want to
move in, you want to get engaged, you want to
sell your house and be in their house, you want
to be exclusive, whatever the level of commitment is, and
you say, look, you know, I really have enjoyed being
with you. It's been awesome, Lisa, Like, really, you're really

(35:40):
good in bed. She's really good in bed, you guys,
So I've really enjoyed you. Look embarrassed. I'm just taking
it all in. So this has been really great, Like
I just love spending time with you. I think you're awesome.

(36:01):
And you know, here's the thing. I know myself and
I've gotten to the point where I only want to
invest more of my time and energy if we want
the same things. And I'm at that point with you,
and so I'm at the point where I want to
X and if you don't, you know, that's going to
sting a little bit, but that's okay. But I just
know that that you know I value my time and energy.

(36:23):
And so I just wanted to have the conversation because
this has been great. But if we're not on the
same page, have a great life.

Speaker 1 (36:31):
Don't we all wish we had this? Like yes, thirty
years ago, right, yes?

Speaker 2 (36:36):
All the bad relationships it's insane.

Speaker 1 (36:40):
There's another part of the book that I want you
to mention really fast, is like, if you're in a
relationship with someone and you see like you want them
to change, Like you're in a long term relationship and
you say that you cannot change someone, you need to
make them think that it was their idea.

Speaker 2 (37:00):
This is sneaky. Now, it's so sneaze, it's so good
and it's science too. It's okay, so check this out.
Everybody that what's the toddler theory? Oh is this like
they give them the shoe? Is that what that thing is? Yeah, yes,
she's right, she's right, it's the toddler theory. So it's
sort of like that, put your shoes on, which is

(37:22):
my parenting versus would you like the right one or
the left one? And then they're choosing. So here's the thing.
There is one thing on the planet you will never
be able to change ever, and that's another person. People
only change when they feel like it. And even when
we're bossy as hell and we use guilt and we

(37:42):
force our kids to conform to what we want, what
you do need to do, at times they're only doing
it to get you off their back. And so it's
not going to be lasting change. For somebody to actually
have lasting change happen, it has to come from them.
And so you will never ever, ever, ever be able

(38:05):
to change another person because people only change when they
feel like it. People only change when they are ready
to do the work to change. And for those of
us that have somebody in our lives who's struggling with
mental illness or addiction or they're just letting themselves go
or they got laid off, and now they're like very

(38:27):
depressed and they're not believing in themselves, and they're not
looking for a job like you would step in front
of probably a bus and to save this person. It's
not going to work. And the reason why is, you know,
there's another line in the book, Lisa that really just
hit me, and it was from one of the experts

(38:50):
that was on the podcast, and it's this, people only
get sober when they're ready to do the very hard
work to fade. Oh wait, I got the sentence wrong, Jesus. Okay, okay,
and that was going to be a profound moment. Okay,
let me set that up again, thank you. People only

(39:12):
get sober when being drunk becomes harder than doing the
very difficult work to face what you're running from. And
you know, I have always been kind of like, well,
why can't they change? And you know, if I see it,
why can't? And the truth is, and this like hit
me to the core too. I want you to consider them.

(39:35):
If you look at a classroom full of high school kids,
who's the hardest working kid in that classroom? Yes, it's
not the one that is getting straight a's it's the
kid who struggles ruggling. Yes, of all of your friends,
do you want to know who works the hardest on
their health. It's not the one in the matching like
set at the gym three hours a day. It's the

(39:57):
person who quietly gives up on because they don't think
it's going to work. They're thinking about it all the time.
And so when we then step in and think we
know better, it's really demeaning, Like you don't think I
know that if I take a walk and eat a salad,
I'm going to be healthier. Thank Seinstein, right. And so

(40:19):
our attempts to help people and our attempts to inspire
change actually doesn't create motivation. It creates resistance to change.
And this gets us back to the fundamental law that
we're talking about these which is ultimately what the let
them theory is about. Is control. You have a hardwired

(40:41):
need to be in control of your life, your decisions,
your future, what you're feeling, what you eat, what your
kids are doing. And the problem for all of us,
and I didn't know this until two years ago, is
that when somebody else's behavior makes you feel a little
worried or makes you feel upset. Then your behavior now

(41:03):
makes me feel like I got to control something. And
then I make a mistake. I go try to control
you instead of looking at what I can do within
my control about myself. And so here's the trick though,
that you're going to learn in the book. Yes, it's
true that you will never be able to change another person,
but I never said you couldn't influence them. And so

(41:24):
in the book we go deep into the ways in
which you do this. And I'm going to just share
a little part of it because you all have the
book and you should really dig into this section of
the book. And the first thing you got to do,
it's called the ABC loop, A apologize because you don't
realize that the worry and the gifts and the little

(41:47):
suggestions that they're actually annoying. And so, you know, I
did this with our son. You know, do any of
you have, like you know, kids in high school or
people in your life from their twenties and you're a
little worried about him, right, Okay, great, so not great
that you're worried about him, But so you know, our

(42:07):
son Oak, like a lot of kids struggled in school,
very dyslexic, Adhd just wasn't interested in school, didn't have
a lot of friends at school, and so I of
course was worried about him. And so what did I do?
Oh if I were if I could hear him playing
on the Xbox, because you know how they're out there
like oh yeah, I got yeah, you know, you're like

(42:28):
what is I'm marching up there, and I would swing
open the bedroom door and I'd be like, what are
you doing? What? Oh uh? And I'm like, dude, like
you you had school tomorrow, you got to get your
homework done, as if he doesn't know, and so he's
like yeah, yeah, yeah. So then you see him take
the things off and then you see him pretend and

(42:50):
then what do they do? They just they're quiet when
they go back to playing after you leave. And so
I wasn't motivating him. I was creating diss resistance judgment
because again, you don't think he wants to do well.
And this is a huge shift for me, and it's
why I show up the way that I do for you.

(43:14):
I know you want to thrive, I know you want
to be happy. I know you're doing the best that
you can with what you got right now. I know
that you want to feel like things are going your way,
and you want to have some wins, and you deserve that.
The problem is almost always that you feel like anything
you do isn't going to make a difference anyway, So
why the fuck would you do it right? You feel discouraged,

(43:37):
And so that's how he felt. It's not an issue
of willpower or desire. It's like skills and belief. And
so I'm now pouring in more judgment. I'm a kid
that's already judging himself. Oh fuck. And so when I
started to dig into this research, Lisa and realize I'm

(43:58):
really screwing this off, the ABC loop is what the
research and the experts say. First you apologize. So for me,
I go in and I sit down. I'm like, and
by the way, my favorite place to have this conversation
is not at a bar, because when alcohol gets involved.
I'll tell you why not at a bar. It's because
I get angry when I get drunk sometimes and then

(44:19):
I start yelling and I don't like not a good thing.
Plus then they're drinking, and plus my kids shouldn't be drinking,
so to bad. Yeah a car, Yeah you set a car.
I thought you set a bar. Okay, sorry, so is
a car because and there's research around this. First of all,
the motion of a car actually opens up like thinking,

(44:39):
and the fact that you don't have to look at
each other makes it less of an interrogation. And plus
they're trapped so they can't go anywhere. But so you're
gonna apologize, and you're just like, hey, you know, oh,
I really I'm nagging you a lot, and I'm gonna
I'm sorry. It must be a giant pain to have

(45:00):
me constantly on you. I am really sorry for doing that.
They won't know what to say, and then you a
ask open ended questions and I'm like, you know, I
never stopped to ask you. How do you feel about school? Hu? H? Really?
What makes feel fond about it? I don't know, it's okay?

(45:26):
So I hear you saying that you think it's okay.
Are you feel in a certain way about how you're doing?

Speaker 4 (45:33):
Like?

Speaker 2 (45:33):
Is it easy? Is it? I don't know? Well, have
you thought about what you might want to do about it?
Because that's all they think about. Y of course they've
thought about what they might want to do about it,
But you've never asked You haven't asked your partner. You
haven't asked the colleague that's struggling. You haven't asked your
friend that you're worried about. You haven't asked your sister.

(45:54):
I hadn't asked my son because why would I. I think
I know how to fix this. But when you say
have you thought about what you might want to do
about this? There's this opening that gets created. And this
is all from doctor Stewart Ablon's research. You're now with them,
and you're now there. Now this is where the cool

(46:15):
part comes in. They now feel more in control about
what's about to happen. And then you got to do
the hardest part for all of us, be back off,
because it has to be their idea. The mistake I've
always made in my life is we have these beautiful
conversations and then I swoop right in and I'm like, see,

(46:35):
I told you that would be easy, and now you're
making them wrong again. So you got to back off.
Give anybody in your life three to six months, and
let me tell you a little story. Let's say Lisa
and I were working together and every day at lunch,
Lisa gets up and you go outside and you take

(46:55):
a walk and you come back and you're smiling and
you look refreshed, and then you sit down and meanwhile,
I've been jamming the tuna sandwich down my throat and
typing the long pissed off email best and then she
comes in and it's kind of annoying because you know,
she's refreshed and I'm sitting here. This goes on for weeks.

(47:18):
One of these days, I'm going to look up and
look outside and go, you know, I think I should
go for a walk. But here's the interesting thing about this.
I don't think it's Lisa's idea. I think it's mine, right,
and then it's going to work for you. Correct. I
want to I want to bring up one more point
because I know we're kind of running. We are what
time is it? I don't even know what that is.

Speaker 1 (47:38):
But this is like so important because it kind of
it kind of connects with what.

Speaker 2 (47:42):
You just said.

Speaker 1 (47:43):
You say in the book that jealousy and comparison actually
can be a good thing and work in your favor.
And the story you told in the book about your
friend's house and you went to the house and you.

Speaker 2 (47:55):
Were jealous of the house.

Speaker 1 (47:57):
I've had that conversation with my husband on the way home, like,
how do they have a house that big? We're losers?
Like this sucks, Like what are we doing wrong? Look
at you, you know, like seriously, but I could, but
you say that it's actually a good thing, it's a motivator.

Speaker 2 (48:14):
Well, it doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel good. How
many of you had that? At the experience Lease is
talking about where you go to somebody's house, right, and
you're like, holy shit, they're driveways along yeah, And then
you pull in and you're like, I've never been in
a kitchen this nice? Or a bathroom yeah, or a
bathroom and you have that feeling in your body where

(48:34):
you know you're a bad person because you know that
your friends have worked hard for this, and you know
that they deserve it, and you love it. And everything
looks like a corner at restoration Hardware and you go,
how do I have this much money? And then you
turn and you look at your partner and you're like,

(48:57):
it's like.

Speaker 1 (48:58):
It's it's freakish, right, he wrote, And you can barely contain.

Speaker 2 (49:05):
Your anger, and you've got this smile, and as the
tours ending, you're like in the bathroom because and you
don't want to feel this way, right, and because you like,
you're happy for this, but it's like your body is
off your your your head is off your body, and
now you're like ah. And if you're anything like me

(49:27):
and Lisa Caddy and insecure, when you get in the car,
you turn to the person and you're.

Speaker 5 (49:34):
Like, what the fuck?

Speaker 2 (49:35):
Why can't you Why didn't you go to finance to
be a teacher? I do have to care about people.
My poor husband, I don't know how he drove home
because he's like a turtle, you know, like, are you done?

(49:59):
It's so how many you can relate to that story, right,
of course, of course, and so you know, here's the thing,
and everyone's like, Okay, whose house was it? And I'm like,
it's like seven different people's houses, you know, because there
were so many of you at that period of my life.
And so here's the thing I want you to understand.
You are never jealous of something you don't want. I'm

(50:23):
mna say that again. You are never jealous of something
you don't want. And if you're willing to go a
little deeper under the emotion of jealousy, whatever you're jealous of,
whether it's somebody's health or somebody's marriage, or somebody's relationship
with their kids, or somebody's brand new kitchen or their

(50:46):
house on Nantucket or whatever the hell it is. Like
you know that, Oh is that? Are you jealous of that?
People have that? Okay? So many of us, right, so
you're like, yes, take incredible wardrobe, like whatever it may be, Okay,
if you go alone, layer deeper underneath the surface thing,

(51:06):
there is something that is deeply tied to your dreams
and values. It might be safety, it might be beauty,
It might be having enough time to put together a
nice outfit. It might be connection with your kids or
your family. And for me, what's funny about the story

(51:29):
because it kept happening over and over and over again,
and we were really like in the thick of it,
struggling financially at that point that what I realized, because
of course I blame my husband, and you know, I
had this sort of feeling in life at that point
that even though we were both working, that his money

(51:50):
was my money and my money was my money right,
and that he owed me these things that I wanted.
And that's a very dangerous place to get into. That
when you look at your partner or your parents or whomever,
and say, you're the person who owes me this. And

(52:11):
what I'm here to tell you is you actually have
the power to figure out how to make more money
and go buy that shit yourself. You do. And this
is what I got in touch with. And it's that
I had ambition. I had ambition that I was aiming
at my husband. I had things in my life that

(52:33):
I wanted to create and I kept looking to him
again another example of giving power away. And so, yes,
it was about a beautiful kitchen, Yes, it was about
a long driveway. Yes, I wanted that playroom with the
queen size bunk beds that all the kids go to
and they're always at their house. Right. I wanted all

(52:54):
that because I wanted to have the house that everybody
hung out at. And we didn't have space our house.
We didn't have a basement, we didn't have a playroom,
and so our kids didn't do that. But it was
tied to something bigger than a house. And when you
have that realization that jealousy is a signal from your
future self, jealousy is a signal from your dreams and

(53:16):
your values. If you see friend groups here like these
gals in the let them T shirts or groups of
people that had come together over there what looked like
bottle service in that back you know area back there,
and you're like, I wish I had friends like that. Great.
I'm glad you're jealous because their example proves it's possible,

(53:40):
and that jealousy is trying to wake you up and
organize a level of frustration or anger inside you that
you need in order to start working on it. In fact,
the single thing that's required for you to change your
life is for you to realize, you know longer like

(54:02):
the life you're in. And if you don't like your kitchen,
I'm gonna tell you something. There's so many YouTube videos
go to chat GTP. How do I earn twenty thousand
dollars so I can renovate my kitchen by painting my cabinets?
How can I apply for an HGTV show and write

(54:23):
a really sappy story so that I can get them
to come and do this for me? Like you are
smarter than you think. That's right?

Speaker 4 (54:32):
Now?

Speaker 2 (54:33):
Are you gonna do it this year? No? It took
me fifteen years of hard work and screaming at my
from that night of screaming at my housband. Why weren't
you equ it because you're not smart enough. Oh, I
was so awful. And so here's the other thing you
can do. Let's say that you're having trouble getting pregnant

(54:57):
and your friend is now pregnant. It is a sign
that you're mentally well that you feel a little jealous.
It's not a sign that you're a bad friend. And
a good friend would say to their pregnant friend in
that situation, I am really happy for you, and this
is a really tough time for me. So I might

(55:18):
not come to the shower, but I'm going to send
you a little something and just know that I'm there
for you. Do you see how that creates space and
it honors that the jealousy doesn't like I fade like
when I thought it was a bad person. When I
felt jealousy, I didn't know what to do with it.
And you can have two things be true. You can

(55:38):
have these feelings and then catch yourself as you say,
let them okay, let them have the nicer house, let
them have the better relationship. Right, And you.

Speaker 1 (55:47):
Say to keep those people actually really close to you, Well, you're.

Speaker 2 (55:51):
Not going to want to, right, because yes, but tell
them why, well, because it.

Speaker 1 (55:57):
Motivates you, it makes you, It reminds you of what's
important to you.

Speaker 2 (56:02):
Yes, and here's the thing. You see, celebrities have all
the things you've ever wanted, and you're not particularly jealous.
But when Susan right, who's your friend, all of a
sudden has been saving and redoes her kitchen, like you know,

(56:23):
there's no trust fun there. It's true. You know, her
husband's a teacher. You know nobody and her family died,
and so she's important. It had to be her because
and she's playing a big role in your life, because
she's waking you up to say, oh, that jealousy is
trying to say, hey girl, pay attention. You actually want

(56:46):
that right there, and so it's time to get to work.
That's right. She is there to wake you up and
so you can have the jealousy and it stings a
little bit because you recognize you've been wanting this for
a while, but you haven't made any changes. And that's
why I show up all the time, like I believe
in you. Don't give me those excuses. Yes they may
be really yes you may, and I still believe in you.

(57:11):
Perfect what else you go I.

Speaker 1 (57:12):
Want to step away from the book for like two seconds.
What's the best piece of advice you've ever been given?
And what's the worst piece of advice you've ever been given?

Speaker 2 (57:22):
Oh? My god, best piece of advice I've ever been given?
It kind of is, Yeah, it kind of is that.
It is the most powerful thing I've ever discovered. And
I guess Kendall gave me that it is. Yeah, so
I And what's the worst. Oh god, there's so much

(57:43):
bad advice? What's that we missed? The best? Oh? The
best was like it's kind of a copy, but it
really is left them it is. It is the single
most powerful thing that I have ever started using. And

(58:08):
I believe that this book that Sawyer and I wrote
together is going to be my legacy. And I get
scared saying that because I'm like, shit, I don't want
to get on a plane and have it go down.
I got a lot more life to live, right, Like
that would sell a lot of books, I know, but
I really don't want that to happen. But I it

(58:30):
really is there to set you free, and I truly
hope it does. And you know, kind of the worst advice,
I guess is just sort of like just sort of
like any advice that is sort of somebody, it's like, well,
that's going to be hard, you know, like sort of
that cautionary stuff.

Speaker 4 (58:52):
You know.

Speaker 2 (58:52):
One of the coolest things Lisa is just being fifty
six years old and like competing at this level and
learning new things, and like when I think about the
fact that I was fifty four years old when I
started the mel Robbins podcast and we taped the first

(59:15):
episode in the floor of my closet with four of
us women sitting on the floor because it was the
only carpeted space in my house and it was an
echoe and we didn't know what we were doing. Yeah,
I've done audio books, but it's a whole freaking different
thing to create a show that releases twice a week

(59:38):
every week with video. The team is almost all women,
like we have we do have awesome guys that work
with us and we but literally to think that a
group of us were like, you know what, why don't
we just start a podcast? We can figure this out?
And it was such a crazy success from the beginning

(01:00:02):
that I am so blown away by how you showed
up for this and how you show up for yourself
and we have grown. What's up? Oh well, thank you,
thank you well, and I show up for you, and
we got to keep showing up for each other. And

(01:00:24):
you know, the whole vision of this was just wouldn't
it be great if it felt like a walk with
a friend, wouldn't it? Because when you and I go
for a walk, like you just feel better, even if
the weather sucks. You talk about your family and they
don't know about it. I mean, that's problematic on the podcast,
but you know, you share recipes, you share books, you
share expert advice. If you got somebody struggling, you help

(01:00:46):
each other through it and by the end you feel
better and you got something to do. And so that
was the simple vision. And look like I'm a competitive person,
but I'm not an idiot. I'm like, there's six million
podcasts in the world and most of them are celebrit
or sports or like hot topics and news and you
conspiracy theories, all that kind of stuff, And so I

(01:01:09):
didn't think, like I thought it would take us years
to break into the top one hundred. I know you
don't believe that, but I certainly did. Do you know
that we have grown for one reason we grew because
you share this with people that you care about, and
you see these episodes exactly as I had intended, which

(01:01:31):
is a way for you to have a conversation or
connect or help somebody else. That is how this has grown.
That is why we are number one in the world.
And the thing that I will always do is I
will always thank you for your time. And the reason
why is I know you don't have a lot of it,

(01:01:53):
and it's one thing to see a video online as
you're scrolling, but I know every time you listen, you
actually hit play. You choose to be there, and your
time is your most most valuable resource because what you
spend your time on is what your life is about.

(01:02:14):
And so it is the deepest privilege and honor of
my lifetime that you actually take a moment and hit
play and invite me into your car or your home
or on your walk with you. And every time I'm
on that mic, and every time our team is working

(01:02:35):
on the edit, we are thinking about you. And you
may not know this, but we have people on our
team that scan comments and scan reviews and look at
the inbox, and I have everybody. Every email that we get,
we read and then we send an email to our

(01:02:55):
team five days a week with screenshots of the things
you send to us. Yes, And so every time you
write and go you're never going to see this, I
see it. Every time you tell me that that episode
with that doctor helped one of your kids or your
sister or your spouse, I see it. And it's the
reason why I get out of fucking bed, and it's

(01:03:16):
the reason why I keep doing this and why I'm
going to keep on doing this. If you keep listening,
and if there are topics you want to hear, if
there are things that you want to share, I want
to know we are watching you, we are paying attention.
And you're the reason that this is so good because
you care about it, and you're a part of this exactly.

Speaker 1 (01:03:40):
Your success, all of it is deeply connected to all
of you.

Speaker 2 (01:03:46):
It's the only reason I had never gotten pressed until October. Like,
if you google the mel Robbins podcast, literally, you'll find
one article by somebody that lives in Cape cod who
wrote a blog article who was like, Wow, one of
the top podcasts in the world happens to be in Boston.

(01:04:06):
Who knew That's the extent of it. And now we're
everywhere because of you, and so thank you from the
bottom of my heart. Thank you for taking the time
to listen to something that makes you laugh and that
also is helping you remember something you know to be true.
You're fucking awesome and you're capable of so much more

(01:04:30):
than you actually know. That's it awesome And the only
negative comments I'm going to get for this live streamer,
I wish you didn't swear.

Speaker 1 (01:04:42):
Let them, let them right, let them when you're not
mel Robbins, what do you do to sort of recharge?
Like when you are like, how do you recharge your battery?
What do you like to do?

Speaker 2 (01:04:57):
My daughter's like, don't answer that? Oh, I say, literally,
do you not answer that? Well, you know, I actually did.
I love my husband and I love my kids, and
I have spent so long working so hard to claw
our way out of debt that I missed a lot

(01:05:19):
of high school. And I'm not the problem though, unfortunately,
and I missed out on a lot, and I wouldn't
change a thing because I wanted to pay our bills.
I wanted to get us out of debt. I wanted
to feel safe. That was my highest value. So I
really prioritize in my downtime actually being with my family.

(01:05:43):
And this might surprise you, but you know, I'm also
while I see everything, and if you see Mel Robbins responding,
it's actually me. I'm usually on the toilet, true story,
because that's when I have time and Chrissen like put
your phone down, sorry about that. Or I'm commuting and
somebody else's driving. It's when I like, really, look, but

(01:06:07):
I really am a homebody. Like I love to hike,
I love to fish, I love to be outside with
our dogs. A huge priority for me because I you know,
I wasn't kidding when I said I didn't have a
lot of friends, Like I had really great friends when
our kids were little, but then our life got turned
upside down and I just was heads down, working, working, working, working,

(01:06:30):
trying to address the struggles that my husband and I
were having, and I really like felt like, where's all
my friends? And I'm not, I'm not really making an effort.
And so a huge priority for me in this chapter
of my life is to make time for my female
friends and to make female friends, and so that is

(01:06:53):
what I do. I don't do a lot I rest.
I do you read do you do you what's your Well, yeah,
I always ask the other what are you reading? Well
today let's see. I mean today we had an expert
on female friendship, which, oh my god, it was unbelievable.
All she studies is female friendship, and female friendships are

(01:07:14):
completely different than male friendships and the research is going
to blow your mind. So I read that book I
read for the podcast and oh my god, Court of
Thorn and Roses fairy porn. Yes, absolutely incredible, a Court
of Thorn and Roses. And if you really want to treat,

(01:07:36):
listen to the dramatic audio. Hi literally sound effects on
fairy pornography were unbelievable. Yes, and so thank you to
my daughter Sawyer for turning me on to that. Yes,

(01:07:57):
I you know, I like a gum me. It's legal
here in Massachusetts. In Vermont, I never would have thought that.
Oh why, oh my god. I you know, I my
husband doesn't drink all that much and it's not that
fun to drink alone. But you know, occauson, you'll have

(01:08:17):
a cocktail, y'all drink with me. We'll drink together tonight.
That's right, we all well, all right, well do we
want to turn this over. Okay, what time is it?
I think it's late, but we're I think we want
to go out in the crowd. Okay, I have time
for like a couple questions, and so let's turn the
house lights on. Okay, can we turn the house lights on? Okay?

(01:08:41):
Hold on? Oh right here, okay, hold on, okay, hold on,
you guys, stay in your seats. I'm gonna come around
a little bit. Yes, sir, thank you, Oh my god,
thank you. All right, come here, come over here.

Speaker 4 (01:08:53):
Hi.

Speaker 2 (01:08:53):
What's your name? I'm Sullivan. What's your name?

Speaker 6 (01:08:57):
Parsley Sage was marrying Diamond.

Speaker 2 (01:08:59):
My parents were hippies. Fine, what a cool name? Thanks Melky.
All right, so what's great? Mel You have changed our lives?
Would let them?

Speaker 6 (01:09:07):
And I was so excited to tell my family about
let them. So pictures around a family dinner. My kids
are eighteen and twenty. I tell them the prom story.
My husband looks at me deer in the headlights because
he doesn't know how to react and how I'm going
to react. My son tilts his head because that makes sense.
And my daughter was like, what is her name? And
what is the name of this book? Because now we

(01:09:28):
know what we're getting here for Christmas. My entire existence,
this let them gets back in my face every time
I say something controlling to my family. My question is
does your family do the same thing to you? Do
you get let them thrown right back at you? And
how do you react to this?

Speaker 2 (01:09:45):
Because it is Oh my god, I love you, Sam, Yes, Sam, okay,
So you hold that one. So does my family absolutely.
And here's what's amazing. Here's what's amazing thing about it.
We just went on a family trip. It was a
bucket list trip to Peru for my dad's eightieth and

(01:10:08):
so we've all been on these trips. Right, there's eleven
of you in a sprinter van driving around together, and
my poor nephew, one of them came with the flu,
and so now we are all like slowly getting the
flu as we're driving down Peru. And it was the
single best family vacation we've ever had. Why let them, like,

(01:10:31):
if she's getting irritated about just let her, just let
her be. And I hear my family going, mom, just
let her let her mom be. Mom. It actually healed.
Sawyer get over here, letter, Sawyer cover ladies and gentlemen,
Sawyer Robbins in the house give her out of the pause.

(01:10:52):
I think you should explain how this how you guys
constantly say let that, at least your families tell you
to your face. My family's whispering behind my back letter
and then kind of bonding over it. Okay, why don't
you explain how this works with family? Okay?

Speaker 7 (01:11:11):
So well, first of all, the let them theory fully
healed our relationship, because don't start crying, because I'm gonna
start crying. Mostly because I think we finally were able
to accept who the other person was and see my
mom for who she is and also who she isn't.

(01:11:31):
And what I love about the let them theory and
how we use it as a family all the time
is in conversations with each other. So we'll say, for example,
I'm trying to let you be you in this regard,
and at the same time, I need you to let
me do this, and so it's in communication. It's also

(01:11:52):
when she's annoying constantly let them let them, let them,
which is every.

Speaker 6 (01:11:56):
Day I can completely relate and adding the let me
changed everything.

Speaker 2 (01:12:03):
So how did it change everything to let me? Well,
I'll tell you.

Speaker 6 (01:12:08):
Before my family had to let them theory, when I
would act controlling. My twenty year old son would start
to call me barb, and that's a.

Speaker 2 (01:12:16):
Make wrong right, Whereas this, when you say let them,
is an acknowledgement of who you are. Do you see that?

Speaker 6 (01:12:24):
It has absolutely changed everything because the let them and
the let me, and we're all using it as a
family now awesome, and we the same have had the
greatest holidays everything because everyone.

Speaker 2 (01:12:35):
Awesome, fantastic. Well, thank you for sharing that. You're welcome. Okay,
we're gonna do a couple more. I got one over here, Yes,
over here, come on over here, red shirt, red dress, Yes,
you get over here. Okay, we're gonna let her take
your time. Okay, all right, here we go. What's your name, Jamie?
You get the mic? Okay, Hi Jamie? How are you okay?

Speaker 4 (01:12:56):
Good?

Speaker 2 (01:12:56):
What's your question? Good? I actually have some bracelets. Oh
you do? Yes? Oh my gosh, yes, let this says
let them let me. Yes. I hope you sell these
on Etsy.

Speaker 8 (01:13:06):
I actually got them made by Billy's niece.

Speaker 2 (01:13:08):
Oh Billy you mean like Billy on the radio. Yes, you,
I got Billy's niece. And one is for Lisa. Lisa,
get over here. We got a present for you honey,
Oh my gosh, you're so sweet. Thank you.

Speaker 8 (01:13:19):
Do you have a question I just said, Oh my gosh,
I don't even know. My question is how did you
get yourself through? Like what exactly got you through to
push through this whole book?

Speaker 3 (01:13:31):
Like?

Speaker 2 (01:13:31):
How long did it take you? How long did it
take us? Yes? A year and twelve different manuscripts? Oh wow, yes,
because Sawyer's a giant pain in the ass and I
let her. No, that's how long it took. And here's
the thing. If you have a book in your heart,
write it. If you want to start a podcast, start it.

(01:13:53):
Stop sitting there thinking about what you want to do,
and do the damn thing well, because even if it
never turns out to be what you're envisioned, it to
be the fact that you actually did it and you
see yourself doing it, it changes what you think about yourself.

Speaker 4 (01:14:14):
Yeah.

Speaker 8 (01:14:14):
Well, you've also made me fight for nanny rights. I'm
actually going for a bill for a law.

Speaker 2 (01:14:20):
She's going for a law for nanny rights. Good for
you push for it. Hold on, I made you. So
here's the thing I want to tell you, guys. Something
I love hearing that something that I said or did
or shared or some expert that I brought on the
show has inspired you, and thank you for acknowledging the

(01:14:42):
difference it makes. But don't you dare give me the credit.
You own it because you're the one doing the work.
You got laid office an Annie, and now she's going
for rights with him. Good for you, go get them,
all right, we got time for two more? Yes, back here, Yeah,
you'll get over here, Come on down. It's like price

(01:15:02):
is right, only you don't win anything. Oh my god,
we got two people. Okay, yes, what do we get? Okay? Hi? Hi?
What's your name? Victoria? Hi?

Speaker 4 (01:15:13):
Victoria first one of my dear friends and neighbor. She
is a mom of four. She wrote a book. It's
called The Simple Seed. And she asked me, because she
couldn't get tickets, if I could give.

Speaker 2 (01:15:25):
It to you. Yes, you can.

Speaker 4 (01:15:26):
Okay, I'm gonna let you give it to me that
you and I think she signed it, and then okay.
It's an inspiring journal for kids just to have gratitude
every like every more five minutes a day and just
help kids with social media and anxiety and all that.

Speaker 2 (01:15:43):
All right, so do you have a question, Well, yes, okay,
give me the question because of her.

Speaker 4 (01:15:48):
I know she passed along one of your podcasts to me.
So okay, that is great, like how you said that. Okay,
we all passed.

Speaker 2 (01:15:55):
What is the question they have? Oh my god?

Speaker 4 (01:15:59):
So how long did it take you to impact let
them on yourself?

Speaker 2 (01:16:05):
Because it's easy immediately really yes, yes, and there are
days you're gonna have to go let them, let them,
let them, let them, let them. And if you're going
through something very difficult like heartbreak or grief or a breakup,
it doesn't take the pain away, it actually helps you
move through it. Yeah, because you're refusing to accept reality,

(01:16:31):
which is why you're suffering. You sound just like my husband.
I'm sorry, he's gonna love me even more than you
do if I'm saying the same thing to you. Okay,
let me come up here real quick. Good job, good job,
thank you for this. Okay, Sam, there's Sam right there. Okay,
come on up. We're gonna do a couple up here. Yes, yes, yes,

(01:16:52):
what about you? Okay? Hello? Hello? Okay, what's your name?
My name is Emil Hi.

Speaker 3 (01:17:00):
The question I have is what is one area in
your life that you feel like let them hasn't been
able to resolve or help.

Speaker 2 (01:17:11):
You in there's absolutely no area of my life. Or
let them doesn't work, and let me tell you why,
because it's about control. And the truth about life is
that anytime you try to control something that you can't control,
you lose control, You will feel stressed out, you will

(01:17:35):
drain your energy. And so it works every time because
every time I say it, I'm like, oh shit, here
I go again. I'm allowing that thing out there to
infect me in here, so let them and let me
recognize since I can't control it, I'm actually not going
to try to. And then I say let me, and

(01:17:56):
you get reminded that you have three things in life
you can always do. You get to choose what you
think about it, you get to choose what you do
or don't do, and then you get to choose how
you're going to respond to your emotions. Am I going
to send the huge email sign best what you've done?
Thank you for being like honest, I really really appreciate that.

(01:18:20):
Where are you having an issue in life?

Speaker 3 (01:18:25):
Oh? I think I was. I was thinking, like I
feel like the assumption that let them makes. Yes, you
know yourself enough to identify those moments when you say
let them or let me.

Speaker 2 (01:18:39):
But you're up here. Your body tells you, so whenever
you're annoyed or frustrated, that's when you use it. Got it? Good?
Good job? All right? How about yes, nurses so much?

Speaker 5 (01:18:55):
We use this all the time, and it is so powerful.

Speaker 2 (01:18:59):
Why is it powerful? I can guess. But why is
this so powerful as a nurse?

Speaker 5 (01:19:05):
It is powerful as a nurse because we are, by nature,
I think, controlling people. We have to ensure the health
and safety of our patients. Sometimes we want them to
do something and they won't do it, or we ask
them to do something and they don't agree with the idea.
So sometimes there is no choice other than to say

(01:19:28):
let them right.

Speaker 2 (01:19:29):
And then then let's add the rude family members that
treat you with disrespect and think that they're a medical
doctor or registered nurse because they've read d WebMD. So on.
Behalf of everybody here. Thank you and all the nurses
who take care of us and who let us be ourselves.
I love you too, all righty, everybody. I think we're

(01:19:50):
gonna wrap this up. We are gonna wrap Oh my god.
I love you. I love you for coming out. And
by the way, stay tuned because I'm gonna make an
announcement next week about something fun that we're going to
do in the spring. This might not be the only
thing we do in the live event category. Lisa inspire me.

(01:20:13):
I love this. Yeah, news and you'll come back on
the show right. Well, So thank you, thank you, I
love you, thank you. Well.

Speaker 1 (01:20:22):
Mel definitely does not disappoint. In Coming up next, we
have author of Still Alice, Lisa Genova,