Episode 53: I Can't Be Your Everything

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to the We Don't Podcast starring husband and wife
Mojo from Mojo in the Morning and his better half
Chelsea on this episode.

Speaker 2 (00:21):
Coming up on this episode of the weedone podcast, wasn't
there a song that was called I Can't be her
Everything there has to be right, I'll google it while
we're beginning this podcast. But here's the deal in relationships,
you gotta be careful because there's one person that just
can't be her everything. I love working out at Planet Fitness,

(00:42):
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Speaker 3 (01:01):
Well, all right, all right, all right, without further delay,
here are Mojo and Chelsea.

Speaker 4 (01:18):
What's going on, Chelsea? How are you?

Speaker 5 (01:19):
I'm good? How are you?

Speaker 2 (01:21):
I'm doing fantastic. I just want you to know that
as we get into this podcast, I sit there and
I try to think of my thoughts of what I'm
going to say and I realize that I have.

Speaker 4 (01:32):
No thoughts on this one here, but no, go ahead.
What did you want to bring up on this one? Well?

Speaker 5 (01:37):
I think it is another relationship not killer, but issue.
That would be expecting your spouse or significant other to
be your everything everything, meaning your best friend, your source
of happiness, your everything. You know, you rely on them
for everything. I think the idea when you start a

(02:01):
relationship with someone, obviously you're in love with them and
infatuated with them, and so you tend to make them
your everything and they you stop. You don't hang out
with your friends as like all of the normal things right,
and so you kind of, without realizing it, you're putting that,
putting those expectations and pressure on that person to be

(02:24):
your everything, and then life happens and shit happens in
your relationship, and then you realize either either you realize,
oh my gosh, I just this because realistically, no one
can be that for you. They cannot be your everything,
and sometimes that person can become resentful, or then you

(02:45):
try to turn to your friends and family and talk
to them about it, and you don't want to shit
talk them too much because it's your relationship, but you
make someone, And again I think it happens in every
single relationship. You make that person you're everything, and it
puts so much pressure on them to become your source
of happiness and you're you're you know, guiding light or whatever.

Speaker 4 (03:11):
I mean, it's just a lot you bring well.

Speaker 2 (03:13):
First off, we know this firsthand because we've experienced it
sometimes in our relationship, but we've also seen it with
others with friends. But when you make them your everything,
you then when go through through a problem, you have nothing,
and having nothing then becomes that your relationship crashes at

(03:35):
a point, and it then becomes probably even that much
harder to get out of whatever you're in.

Speaker 4 (03:40):
At that time.

Speaker 2 (03:42):
I will say that it's funny that you bring us
up because of when you bring this up. I try
to think back to us, and I think that we
both have experienced this.

Speaker 4 (03:54):
In our relationship. You maybe earlier than me, and then
me maybe later.

Speaker 2 (03:59):
But I think the one thing that I remember posting
a lot on social media about you is you are
my best friend, and I got to tell you something.
I think back to this now and I think, if
your spouse is your best friend, I think that and
by the way, I'm not saying that they can't be
one of your best friends. But if they are your

(04:20):
best friend, I think there's a problem. And I'm going
to say that this for me is an example. I
think that you have to reevaluate then who are the
other people that are around you, because I would say
my best friend when I look at best friends are

(04:41):
people that have known me the longest. Brad Jaeger is
one of my best friend it's probably Well, best.

Speaker 5 (04:47):
Friend doesn't have to be someone that you know the longest.

Speaker 2 (04:49):
No, but it will. But it's also somebody that I
think that somebody that you can share your most intimate
things with sure that you not necessarily.

Speaker 5 (05:01):
Are well and you know what your spouse doesn't always
know every single thing about you. No, And you should
have someone that you can tell everything too without feeling
that you're being judged or that will be brought up
against you in a fight later on.

Speaker 4 (05:13):
Yes, And I.

Speaker 2 (05:14):
Think that sometimes your best friend has to be somebody
that you can depend on to help you through bad
times in your relationship.

Speaker 5 (05:21):
Because there will be and you need someone who will
listen and not judge, and someone who will be there.
And and I say best friends doesn't have to be
someone who know the longest, but also one of my
best friends. I've She's been my best friend from second grade. Yeah,
you know, I have actually two Tanya and Leah from
second grade, and then Jenny from high school, and then

(05:44):
Jess for the past couple of years, which I feel
a level of closeness with all of them and I
know that I can tell them anything and I won't
be judged and they won't bring it back on me.
Not saying that you will, but probably will. But I
think you makes By the way, if there was something

(06:07):
that you did that innocently or whatever but could hurt me,
I would bring that back out in a fight with you,
because that's called human nature, like I would use that
as so I think it's really good and your relationship
is not always going to be one hundred percent, So
it's really important to have people who because again say
this all the time, we all go through shit and

(06:29):
it's all so so similar. If you're willing to be
honest and truthful with your friends and discuss what's going on,
but you can't you shouldn't. I'm not saying you should
hide secrets from your spouse, but there are things that
you can talk to your best girlfriends about that you

(06:49):
feel you can't talk to your spouse about and husband,
And I think that's okay. I think that there's things
that you need that you have to only a woman
or man can understand well, I.

Speaker 2 (07:02):
Think, especially somebody that's in that situation or has been
in that situation. I recently was telling one of my
guy friends. I said, you cannot always go to your
spouse and give them the negative that's going on in
your life.

Speaker 5 (07:18):
And I expect them to carry your load, or.

Speaker 2 (07:20):
Expect them to carry your load. And I think if
you're doing that, because I do think that this is
the case. I think there are so many times, and
I'd done this before in our relationship where I've gotten
in the car. I always call Chelsea as soon as
the show's over with and I'm in my car driving home,
and that's usually twelve thirty one o'clockish or something like
that in the afternoon or two o'clock, depending on the day,

(07:41):
and the first thing that you'll say is, so, how
was your day? And I remember there was a long
period of time, a really long period of time, where
I would tell you how miserable I was. The show sucked.
You know, we sounded horrible. You know, everything was negative,
was negative, negative, negative, And going to my therapist and

(08:04):
I would would talk about that. He would say to me,
he goes, Tom, he goes, how would you if the
first moment that you picked up Chelsea, picked up the
phone from Chelsea and you said, hey, so how is
your day? And she was like, the kids sucked, the
dog shit all over the place, the house, you know,
is a mess. You left his shoes there. I go, well,

(08:24):
I have done that, Tennis. No, But I said, you know,
he goes, but every day he goes. There are going
to be days where you're going to have those and
then she's going to be, oh, well, let me let's talk.

Speaker 4 (08:35):
I'll talk you off the ledge.

Speaker 2 (08:36):
And there's going to be days when she's going to
have those and you're going to talk her, hopefully off
the ledge. And and he said, he goes, you gotta
sometimes fake it. And when we were talking about that,
I thought, or you got to have another person that
you share that with. And that's obviously he felt like him.

Speaker 5 (08:55):
Here's where I disagree. I think that it's fine to
say and be honest if you're having a shit day
and you happen to have a couple shit weeks in
a row. I think it's fine to be honest about
your feelings. I think what is not fair is that
you would expect me then to make it better for you,
whether it's intentional or not. But then you feel, as

(09:16):
a person who is listening to it, Okay, how can
I make this person happier and better? And then it
becomes a cycle because then you want that person to
turn the shit around for you and make it better. Listen,
we all have those days, and I think part of
having someone in your life that you feel safe with

(09:38):
is to be able to say, I've had a really
bad day, this is what's going on at the house,
this is I think that that's fine. But if that
becomes the role constantly and it's the other person, the
other person takes on the responsibility to correct that for you,
then that's where the problem comes in. But also being

(10:00):
the everything, being the counselor being the best friend, being
the person that takes care of everything, that's where it
turns into a chore and builds resentment. And it's just
you know, I think that it's really super super super important,

(10:21):
and I know people don't have the luxury of having
friends from childhood, or I've heard from a lot of people,
you know, how do you make friends. Sometimes you'll find
your friend group when your kids are in school, and
you'll have the mom friends, and sometimes some of those
friends can be some of the best friends you've ever
made too, But you just and they're great outlets. You

(10:44):
don't have to sit there and be the woman on
the playground that's like, oh, my husband this and the
kids this. But truly, you'll find that there's so many
things that you can relate to. It just takes one
person opening up a little bit about what's going on
in their life, truthfully and honestly, and then you know
it doesn't have again, doesn't have turned into this big,
huge bitch session. But you'll realize that we're all going

(11:06):
through the same shit and we all add. I mean,
thank god there wasn't this huge social media presence when
I was raising the boys, because I would have felt
horrible about myself as a mom, not having a perfect
house and a perfect life. And I mean literally, when
I would drop the boys off at school every day,

(11:27):
I was in the same oversized, disgusting sweatshirt that hadn't
been washed.

Speaker 4 (11:31):
Was it your Penn State sweatshirt?

Speaker 5 (11:33):
No, it's another one. My hair up in a bun
like I basically was borderline looking homeless. And you know,
then you see these moms that making their their kids
perfect lunch cut in shapes and their kids are jumping
out of bed fully dressed, smiles on their face. I mean,
if I could have recorded my mornings screaming at yes

(11:57):
like it was just you know, then you feel bad
as they shut the door they go off to school.
You've you know, sent them off to start their day
with me yelling at them. But it's you know, we
all go through. That's the reality. The reality is not
this perfect. And I think there's that an added element
for moms and people now too, that you have to

(12:18):
live up to this filtered lifestyle which does not that's
not reality.

Speaker 2 (12:24):
You know, you were talking about how when you first
get in a relationship you kind of lose a lot
of your friends, and thinking about that, I think of
the boys, and I think of them in their relationships,
and I think of what it has done to them
as people that when they get into a relationship, the

(12:47):
person that they're with becomes their person that they're everything.
They're with them all the time, and in some cases
it takes them to finally find their friendships again and
they you start realizing their relationship seems more healthy. You know,
I think of us, and I think that people think

(13:08):
it's weird that you and I don't talk all the time,
like there are there are some some people that have
said said something to me. They're like, well, how many
times a day do you talk to Chelsea?

Speaker 5 (13:18):
I feel like we talk all the time.

Speaker 2 (13:20):
Well, they think there's some people that think that they're
shocked that you and I. I had one guy that
this guy that I golf with, Kevin, who said to me,
he goes, how many times a day do you call Chelsea?
And I said, honestly, I said, I usually call on
my way home from anything, and it's either hey, I'm

(13:40):
on my way home and it's okay, I'll see in
a little bit, or it's we catch up on stuff.
But I usually try to do that so that I
don't call you and you go because we have had
it before where You're like, well, who'd you talk to
on the way home? And then I'm like, well, and
I want to make sure I call you first, just
to be able to well, and.

Speaker 5 (14:00):
Not that I care who you talk to, but you
cannot be alone, actually can't be with just me too
in the car and not be on the phone.

Speaker 4 (14:09):
Right And you always just assume that I'm on the
phone with.

Speaker 5 (14:11):
Somebody, Well you typically are, but yeah, so.

Speaker 2 (14:13):
I always will check in, but I don't. It's never
just that we just sit there and have not stop
conversation with each other. And I think a lot of
cases of that is you get home and you have
nothing to fucking talk about. Sure, And I don't think
you need to be talking all the time then too so,
and I don't think there's anything wrong with being in
separate rooms every now and again and being by yourself.

(14:35):
I love that when you talk about being the person,
being the everything. There comes a point in relationships where
your relationship becomes less about your relationship and enjoying it,
and then it becomes you feel the pressure of or

(14:57):
one person feels the pressure or the weight of the
other m hm. And I know I've done that with you.
I've given you that pressure and that weight when I've
struggled with work and things like that. What is it
like when you're in that in that case? And do
you sit there, do you feel like less attracted to
get First.

Speaker 5 (15:16):
I think at first you want to be that person's everything.
You want to be that rock for them. You want
to be that safe place you want to be. And
and again I fully believe that you're you know, hopefully
you are in a relationship with somebody who is your
safe space that you can say whatever you want to
and feel that you're not being judged. But you also
have to be careful with that because I think that

(15:39):
can come back and bite you in the ass sometimes, because,
for instance, I could not say I'm so frustrated with
you because you are doing this, and you're doing I
can't say that to you, especially if you're in a
bad place right You need you need to be able
to have that space and that cushion to fall on.

(16:03):
But then after a while, for me, when it was happening,
you know, when we first moved to Detroit, it was
difficult on so many levels. I was at home with
two young boys, you know, a almost two year old
and a four and a half year old. I knew
not one soul. You were working all of the time,

(16:23):
and then when you did come home, you were just miserable,
and I let it build up for about six months
and then I couldn't hand. I remember, I would was
so resentful towards you because I just felt like I
was a dumping ground. There was nothing left for me
other than to try to be your cheerleader and make

(16:45):
sure that you had some source of you know, happiness
or whatever. I tried to create something and it caused
a lot of resentment that I didn't realize I was
building up until I exploded, you know.

Speaker 2 (17:01):
It exploding turned into leaving you, leaving and us possibly
even you know, getting divorced.

Speaker 5 (17:10):
Divorce number one, yeah, almost divorce number one.

Speaker 4 (17:13):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (17:13):
So I think it's you don't realize it sometimes when
you try to make that person your everything, that the
load that is just building up, building up, building up,
building up, and then you break and then who do
I mean? I would just vent to my mom and
to my mom everything that was going on, but she

(17:33):
was in Arizona. I'm in Detroit, Like it was just
a it was a hard, hard time. And then there
I felt that you had this emotional where I had
to be your emotional everything and I and that's not fair.
I can't I could not do that either, And I
think that that's been a lot in our relationship time

(17:56):
to time where it's been all or nothing. And a
lot of this comes over from your from our childhood, right,
So I think with you losing your mom when you
were young, that there's a lot of you needing me
to be a certain person for you, me wanting me

(18:20):
from my childhood of my dad walking out, me wanting
to be something for you, but then.

Speaker 4 (18:24):
Realizing wanting me to be something for you.

Speaker 5 (18:27):
True, But then also I'm just saying, when you're needing something,
then I want to try to fulfill that, and then
realizing that number one, I can't, and number two it's
not fair. That's not a healthy relationship. So again it's
like trying to not and all of this shit, by
the way, comes from our childhood. Like if we could

(18:49):
just try to figure that out and address that, and
which who knows if we ever will. I don't know
if there's enough therapy to fix that or enough because
we all have it. That's where it all stems from.

Speaker 2 (19:01):
Well, and I think also consistent therapy, and I mean
that I'm not saying go every single week, but sometimes
you need to have the on call therapist or the
or the person that you can and that could be
the other friend, the person that that you can have
could be give your therapy.

Speaker 5 (19:15):
You don't make your friend your everything. But I will
say this about this just clipped into my head too.
I think it's really interesting because I believe people do
need to go see therapists. You love therapy, yeah I don't,
So why is it?

Speaker 4 (19:30):
Well?

Speaker 5 (19:30):
I think that there is. It should be used as
a tool and you should learn things and you should progressively.
If they're not helping you get better, if you're consistently
having to go non stop, maybe that's not a good therapist.
I think that you should be learning tools from them
and be able to use it and do it. So

(19:57):
I think it's when I think in relationships, I've noticed
that there's always one person who loves therapy and one
who's like, uh, we can go, but I'm not going
to go all the time. And I wonder if sometimes
the person who and I'm not saying this is you,
by the way, so but the person who loves it
is a person who wants to feel justified and have

(20:19):
someone say see, they're right, this is what do you know?
What I mean?

Speaker 2 (20:24):
I think that that's probably a bit of it, you know,
because you start getting somebody that you is a allegedly
a a non biased person, but remember the bias is
them here in one thing because we went to therapy.
I believe that's why I believe couples therapy is such

(20:45):
an important thing because I think a lot of times
people go, I don't want to go because you're afraid
of what they're going to say, But in reality, what
they're going to say might actually be something that justifies
what you find.

Speaker 5 (20:57):
You know why I stopped going to couple's therapy because
because it was like beating a dead horse after a while.

Speaker 2 (21:06):
And so I think that we finally the beating that
we beat the dead horse, which is me, it's understanding
what I didn't hear. It took me a while to
not to hear. Finally hear what you.

Speaker 5 (21:18):
Were saying, right, But that's the beating the dead horse
where I'm but it.

Speaker 4 (21:23):
May take time.

Speaker 2 (21:24):
Yeah, And that's why I said, please, don't I want
to say this because I do think that's what you
just said could discourage somebody from wanting to go to therapy.
I think sometimes you need to have a therapist and
That's why I remember we did this with Rob the therapist
where we each went one on one and it was first.

Speaker 5 (21:42):
No, I think therapy is a very amazing, great tool,
and I tell people that they should go to it too.
You both, number one, want need to want to go.
You can't just I mean unless you can, you know,
ask your spots to go and see if they and
maybe they'll change their mind a little bit. But you
both have to want to do it, and then also
realize maybe one person likes it more than the other

(22:04):
and that that is okay, sure, you know. I just
don't think it's a lifelong thing.

Speaker 4 (22:09):
I remember me.

Speaker 2 (22:10):
I remember in our therapy we went separately, and I
remember that we came back then and went together. And
I remember in our therapy Rob saying something to me
in one on one and he goes, do you think
you're truly listening to Chelsea when she's when she's speaking?
And I said, yeah, I said, I am listening, and
he said, what are you hearing I'm talking? And then
I remember the follow the therapy that we went and

(22:30):
sat down where he goes, Tom, did you hear what
she just said?

Speaker 5 (22:34):
No, he said, Chelsea saying what you want to say,
and I said, and then he said, what did she
just say?

Speaker 2 (22:40):
And I completely said something different yep. And he goes, no, no, no, no,
say it. And that was the and that was our problem.
Was our problem was we were hearing each other.

Speaker 5 (22:50):
Differently, and well, you hear what you want to hear.

Speaker 4 (22:53):
You hear what you want to hear.

Speaker 2 (22:54):
Yeah, And this is where I do think also in
relationships and listen, not everybody can afford therapy. That's the
other thing too. We talk about stuff like this. I'm
going to tell you this, Chelse and I started our
relationship off. There's no way we would have been able
to afford therapy the first twenty years of us being together,
fifteen years of us being together. But I do think

(23:19):
that that's where you got to You got to surround
yourself around good people. Like you were talking about making friends.
I feel like I make a lot of friends, and
a lot of times I make friends just because of
what I do where people and I'm also a very
talkative person. I can talk to a person at Kroger
and next thing and O they're in my phone, as
you know, Bob Kroger or something like that. I put

(23:41):
down the location of where I met the person. I
think that when you find that you're around people and
you become friendly with them, after time goes on, you
realize who share common values and beliefs, and you know

(24:02):
there they seem like good spouse, they seem like a
good dad you know, or you know, or boyfriend or whatever,
and then they become people that like I know, there's
a group of people in my life that I get
on text change exchanges with who I turned towards for
different moments, Like there's one specifically that I turned to

(24:23):
to laugh when I want to laugh or have something
fun happen in my life. Then there are others that
I turned towards that are people that I turn towards
that I know have the same you know, belief system
that I have and values I have, And I think
those are people's It's okay to have a group of
people that you can kind of share things with. I

(24:45):
remember when I first started in Detroit. Remember Eric who
was on our show, got me involved with a group
of guys and they used to get together and he
used to call it a we're going to do a
Bible study. And I remember thinking it was like this
weird cult. Like I thought, it was like such a
weird group of guys and they're going to get together
and they're going to sit there, and you know, we're
gonna all sit there and chant the Bible and stuff.

(25:06):
And I was raised Catholic, so I was kind of
like the guy that just went to church on Sunday.
And I went, and all it was was it was
a group of I think it was like five or
six guys. They sat in this guy's backyard around a
fire pit, and they asked each other how their week was,
and that was what they called their Bible study. They
never I mean occasionally, I think I went like three

(25:28):
or four times, and I occasionally they would read something
or one guy, this guy Chuck, would read something out
of his out of the Bible. And I realized when
Eric did that, because this is when we first moved
to Detroit and we were going through the struggle that
you talked about that I didn't have any guy friends
and that was a problem. And even in Tucson, I

(25:51):
don't think I had a lot of guy friends. And
I think that the problem became you were my guy friend,
and now you're still my guy friend.

Speaker 5 (26:01):
I don't want to be your guy friend.

Speaker 4 (26:04):
I want you to be my girlfriend please.

Speaker 5 (26:06):
I think that there is it's really important that and
again because if you have other outlets, then it will
strengthen your relationship if you if there is one thing,
like I tried to tell the boys when they started,
you know, dating, Jacob is his own little bird. He's
so I think he is so smart with relationships, Like

(26:27):
he's just so good. He moves slow, he make sure
he does keep his friends like he's you know, I
think he's the other two they're a bit like you
and they fall fast, hard and all the way. And
I would tell both of them, don't lose your friends.

(26:48):
Don't lose your friends, because there will come a time
when you're going to need your friends. It's not always
going to be this happy and you want to be
with them all the time. You're gonna have a fight,
you're gonna and you're not gonna you're going to need
your friends to be there to just talk you through
it or whatever. Like it's it's so important. It's really
and especially now with Joe whenever he gets engaged, that

(27:12):
is on the horizon, been on the horizon for a while.
I think it's super, super important that he maintains a
male friend group. It's so important because you know reality.

Speaker 4 (27:28):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (27:29):
Well, Jeff Sackwell used to always say, if it wasn't
for sex, wouldn't we all just hang out with our
guy friends. And I used to jokingly go, no, that's
not like I would sit there male maybe just because
you know you you had gotten divorced. But then I
think about it, I'm going as a guy, if it
wasn't for sex, you do relate more. And I'm sure

(27:50):
this is for women too, because you relate more to
your your your female friends, then you do your you know,
your spouse like I. You and I relate because we
of history and I think that history is amazing. But
also I relate with a group of guys that I'm
going to force them with, sure, because we're guys and

(28:10):
we understand what you mean golf golf. Yeah, but I
relate to those I relate to or although well, no,
I but every guy that I've ever gotten to golf
a couple of few times with, you can hear them either.
You know what their marriage is like based on the

(28:31):
conversation you have out there on the golf course. Sure,
there's some guys that are out there and you know Nick,
for instance, you can tell that that guy is dotes
over his wife because the comments that he says about
his wife Karen. Then you go out with other guys
and you'll hear them go, fuck this, I'm not comming
you know whatever, I want to play thirty thirty six

(28:53):
holes today, And then you can tell that guy's got us.
There's a struggle at home, and then you can talk
to you know, you see others that are like, I
just want to be with my wife, and you go, okay,
that maybe there.

Speaker 5 (29:05):
Is you know, well they're on the up part of
the roller coaster ride.

Speaker 4 (29:08):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (29:10):
I do think this is a good podcast, and I
think there's a lot of people that will probably maybe
feel like they agree with this. But I also think
there's gonna be some people that are gonna be like,
I think you're absolutely wrong, and I think that there's
gonna be some people that are going to say in
this podcast, I think that you guys are wrong in
thinking that you know, your spouse shouldn't be your best friend.

(29:31):
And and I don't know if you're hearing what we're
saying with that, well.

Speaker 5 (29:36):
It's not so much a title as it is what
you're doing with them. If again, if you're pouring everything
into them and making them almost in the end be
responsible for all of your emotional feelings. And then I mean,
quite frankly, that's in my opinion, a form of abuse.

(29:57):
By the way, not to go too deep into it,
but if you spects someone to be your everything, they
are carrying the whole load for you, and it's just
not fair. And I will say this to you. What
like when Jeff said it made me think about like
most women, if they're being honest, at the end of
the day, they would all like we would all like

(30:18):
to live in a compound with just women. We all
have our own space and our own homes maybe, but
we're all like at the end of the you know,
me and my best friends, we always say, wouldn't it
be so nice at the end of our lives? Or
we're just in the same needs. Yeah basically, well they
live together, but yeah, you know, I think and again

(30:40):
it's just like men have a certain women have a
certain view, you know, try to meet in the middle.
I guess I like it.

Speaker 2 (30:48):
Wait a second, so no, you guys are all in
a compound. Is there a way that we can buy
property next to that countpound.

Speaker 5 (30:55):
No, it defeats the purpose.

Speaker 2 (30:56):
You guys, go and then just be there for the
days that some of the women in our horny well.

Speaker 5 (31:02):
That's isn't that Why men then get young girlfriends?

Speaker 4 (31:05):
I think so?

Speaker 2 (31:05):
Yeah, okay, all right, well there you go.