August 1, 2023 • 46 mins
Strap yourselves in because we're going right back to the beginning - reliving the moments when we both became dads! From surprise due dates, going into labour, babies getting stuck, knocking down obstetrician, passing out and emergency c-sections - we cover off all the details (well, as much is appropriate for a podcast) from the day our wives gave us the greatest gifts in life.
We also share your best Parenting Lies and have a crack at answering your parenting questions:
- What surprised you the most about becoming a parent?
- How do you stop your toddler getting up at the crack of dawn?
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I just went for a little walk to get that
burrito and nice coffee. Down there. Really are go down there,
the people who live around here, they're all so beautiful.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Thank you, just not.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
You, your fucking prawn, just the features. And I was
just like, where are two arms and ten fingers, two arms,
two legs except for Buster?
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Just exquisite.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
I just was like, call these good looking people walking
into the cafe. Everyone's nicely dressed. I'm like, fuck, you'd
hate to be like below the poverty line walking through
this suburb right now, Meal.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Welcome back to two doting dads. I am Maddie J.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
And I'm Ash. This is fuck it up his time.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
Don't fuck what your.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Fuck the intro up for the Mick Fanning episode.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
Don't tell people, all right, don't tell I don't know what.
We'll keeping that in because I Ash, I just power
on through.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
If there's a mistake, I heard about it for like
forty eight hours after your Life, We've got to re record.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Fuck. This is a podcast all about parenting. It's the good, the.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
Bad, and the relatable.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
And if you've come for advice, stop right now, pull
the handbrake up.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
And go around and get the fuck out of here.
Although today maybe I'll have some advice.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Any anyone who takes advice from Ashton Wigs.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Don't say my full name the ato after.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Me ash Yes, I want to say condolences for not winning.
The Bitcoin better be a competition that is now over.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
I don't need the money.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
That's a life.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
I definitely need the money.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
But congratulations to those who have won. Yes, your bitcoins,
that's that forty five grand each. The boys round about
slinging up bitcoins like it was gone out.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Of fashion, sling me one. We could go halves in
a bitcoin?
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Did you message? I feel like you would have messaged them,
and when you're like on a night out.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
No, I'm waiting for elon masks right back to my
dam if I reach out to the boys. But look,
I didn't win. You didn't win that I know of.
Someone did win, and I don't know who it is,
but I will find you. I have a unique set
of skills.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
But it's not all bad news because July is over drive.
July has finished and I'm back on the back to
my back to no place.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
Like home, back in your neck of the woods, no
place like home. Whenever I get an order of better beer.
There's mainly more cases of this than the rest because
it is my favorite.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
What's so good about it? Why do you love it
so much?
Speaker 1 (02:49):
Just got a nice a little bit of a sweet
taste to U's not too bubbly nice. I gave my
mum one. Actually, what did she really liked it? She
was like, oh shit, it's pretty good.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
She's a massive piss head.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
Though, No, she's not.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
She is no. She whenever I was spoken to her
on the phone, she's always she's always.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
Don't tell her that, she'd hate that. She drinks moderately. Anyway,
Thank you, better be' gonna crack it beautiful.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
Cheers my friend cheers.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Oh god, the doorbell's just run bust. He's gone off
his head.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
I would just like to apologize for that little interruption.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
That's right, guess what it was. It was a stripper.
Let's do it.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
You wish you was online shopping?
Speaker 1 (03:45):
You get it delivered to work? That is a rookie mistake.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
L I'm meant to be able to spending freeze.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
Jesus, I'm always on a spending freeze. Allegedly.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
How are you feeling after a weekend dash in the club?
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Well, we went out Thursday night, me and you. I
got to bed about one o'clock on Friday night, and
then I finished up at about three thirty on Saturday night.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
We gammed up the ivy. How is it the ivy?
Speaker 1 (04:14):
Shit? I had to pay like thirty five bucks to
get in. I'm an old man.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
Did you did you say? I had to? It?
Speaker 1 (04:19):
Was it for a birthday?
Speaker 2 (04:20):
Lineup to get in?
Speaker 1 (04:21):
Yeah, it was fun.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
How long do you line up for?
Speaker 1 (04:23):
I can't remember. I was so drunk. It was good.
I had a good time. It was for a birthday.
We stayed in the city. It was nice, sleeping, was.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
A little little boogie on the dance floor.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
I don't remember a whole lot cool.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
Did you find it that?
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Someone?
Speaker 2 (04:34):
I spoke to Ash and I was like, did you
have a big night? He's like, no, no, no, I
wasn't that big. And then I jumped onto the two
doting dad's Instagram page and someone had tagged you in
a video and it was at like three in the morning.
Oh my god, Love is pumping lasers. Everyone's gone wild,
and it zooms in on one guy standing there looking
(04:57):
like he's lost his key. He's just a sad look
and they tagged at two days in the club.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
I don't know how people like that sort of It
was wild. I was there for a thirty year, but
I was looking around going I'm fucking old.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
But at the same time, I was also like, I
can do what I want. I'm out there slaying, are
you though? No, I was just yawning laser ds.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
I'm still recovering from a little little drink we had.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
On Thursday, Thursday or Friday morning, which one? It was
good team bonding, Oh yes, good team bonding. How many
arguments we had over that time A lot?
Speaker 2 (05:47):
It was good. Since then, my parenting is just it's
falling to piece of ash.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
Yeah, I do that to people.
Speaker 2 (05:54):
It's all going to ship.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
I had a moment where I don't know if Oscar
does this. Marley just started doing it where whenever I'm
cooking dinner, she's like, Daddy, can I help.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
I know, like it's something that I should should embrace that.
That's what I thought.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
At first. I was like, no, it's too hard. I
just want to like, I just want to get these
veggies chopped, steam them and then we can move on.
But then I was like, do you know what I
am going to allow her to step up into the
kitchen be my little sous chef. Then I realized do
you alan? You do things? And afterwards you go that
was really fucking dumb.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
Did you Gordon ramsay here and be like, what are
you an idiot? Sandwich? Oh?
Speaker 2 (06:32):
Yeah I was. I was swearing at her.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
Oh she wasn't tears, Like what is this with the hands?
What is this you call the scrambled eggs?
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Fucking disgusting? And I was chopping some veggies, not the carrots,
the zucchinis. Zucchini is easy to cut, and Marley was like,
can I cut them? And I was like, you're old enough.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
Sure, she's four. He's a chef's knife.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
I didn't give her the big one. I gave her
a small knife.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
You gave her an knife? Was a plastic knife?
Speaker 2 (07:02):
No, it was but knife recently sharpened cutting knife? Holy shit,
what are you doing? Don't give me that tone. I
was trying to encourage her to seventy the kitchen. We're
having a bonding session.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
Mate, you really, first you're given kids knives and now
this is sexism.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
But she had one trouble with zecchini, and I was
like this is a terrible decision.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
And then at that moment, Laura's come in and I'm
there on my phone scrolling, and I was like, She's like,
what are you fucking doing with? Like why's mother got
a knife? And I was like she wanted it, she
asked for it. Anyway, Afterwards, I was like, ah, man,
what am I doing?
Speaker 1 (07:45):
Yeah, don't guys, if you're listening, don't give your kids knives.
Speaker 2 (07:48):
Sometimes you've just got to veer off the track to
realize get back on the track.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Yeah, it's like you need a loss to come back
to be like I need to be better than that.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
Like she does this thing where she just somehow finds
where the knives are wherever I put them and walks
out with a knife. Somehow She'll open the discwasher like
she's got super strength to be like, how the fuck did.
Speaker 2 (08:11):
She open it?
Speaker 1 (08:11):
She's tiny, And then she even reached that and then
she just goes quiet and I look over and she's like,
got the chef's knife. I'm like, oh my.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
God, if it keeps them happy, let her haven't give
her something.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
She's holding it by the blade like.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
That, and I'm like, do you ever think I'll just
I'll leave it for one more minute because she's quiet.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
Just yanked out that way. I was like, put down
the knife like a hostage situation. I was like, excuse me, lady.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
It's not worth it.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
It's not that bad. You're not going to get in trouble.
She's like, I want to get away from here.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
Cal Why do kids love knives so much?
Speaker 1 (08:50):
I don't know. That's what she started going.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
Watching hanging out with April Sea Beast.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
Baby Sea Beast. They have a lot in there.
Speaker 2 (09:00):
There's a lot of stabbing in CB.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
There's a lot of drinking and stabbing for a child's.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Hey, just really quickly, I did I know you gave
me some homework because you're like, it's not a pooning hack,
it's a pooning style. It's a hack.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
You did it once and then you didn't work to it. No, No,
I didn't work. Look, it wasn't ideal. Just the kids
don't care. Your kids don't care about competition. Yeah not yet.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
Yeah, but this is how it went down. Hey, Marley,
I bet I can eat that corn faster than you. Marley,
I bet I can eat the corn faster. Show me
how fuch you can eat it Ready ready, Maley, here
we go, I can eat the corn first. Ready ready.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
So she didn't care give a shit.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
Literally didn't care a single iota, like no interest.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
I think it's I think it's must be a boy thing.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
It's a girl thing.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
I think Marley is a girl thing that don't care
that well. Like I always thought April wasn't competitive right, like,
not an overly competitive person until one time we got
on the sangreeas on the New Year's Eve at a
friend's house and the beer pong came out and she
got real competitive. Turned out her and my best friend
(10:18):
fight full fight, like a competitive fight over this. I
just separate them wild.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
So I don't know, maybe not growing to the competitive parenting.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
Are they throwing a fizz? Oh?
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Nearly headlocks over beer pong? We got pretty lit on
sang grea during the day.
Speaker 2 (10:34):
It's sometimes sangree will do that to people.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
She's not allowed to drink sangrea anymore.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
It'll make the nicest individual turn into an animal.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
Oh yeah, April is.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Not immune to that anyway.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
So it didn't work whatever, So Beno's thanks for that, mate,
thanks for nothing.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
I wanted it to work. I tried it for dinner.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
I tried one of those starter guns in all the Runners.
Was just like, shut, look, Marley's a little bit more
intellectual than Oscar. I would say, really like I can.
I can easily just be like to Oscar, be like, come,
I'm got to raise me. There gotta raise me. Let's
go and be like, Okay, I'll time you. That is
(11:15):
the dreamt that doesn't work.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
All the time we have been teasing, ash teasing.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
I feel like I'm missing. What am I missing? What
are we teasing?
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Go the childbirth story? You were being a big old
cock teas last episode. Would you like to go first
with your story or I can go first?
Speaker 1 (11:34):
What you First? Of all, I just want to say,
there's no way that you and I could do what
our wives have done. Oh my god, that should cover us, right,
That'll get us out of trouble for anything that comes
after that.
Speaker 2 (11:50):
So yeah, obviously.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
I've got I have two kids, so like there's two
birthing stories. That's so you're not going to be Yeah,
it is strange except for people have twins, and that
wouldn't be strange.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
So I apologize. You should wouldn't be a smart ass.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
I mean Oscar was meant to be a natural birth.
And on the day that was, you know, the Jew date,
it was meant to be my last day of work. Okay,
because it was like, okay, well after this, a baby
could come, right.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
But you had you did your last day of work
on the due date.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
Yeah, on the Jew date.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
That's high risk. Well go to earn the monies.
Speaker 1 (12:25):
I would have just left. Yes, yeah, you'd think that
I would have just left.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
Anyway, I may be jumping ahead, so tell me to
shut up if I'm asking questions that you're about to answer.
Did her waters break?
Speaker 1 (12:39):
No, thankfully, thankfully. So last day of work, And it
was also a friend of mine his last day at work,
but for a different reason. He was moving on. He
was actually going back overseas. So after work, we stopped
at the part at the bottom.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
Oh my god, you didn't.
Speaker 1 (12:57):
I didn't tell her that I was going on the bar,
but you didn't. But it was like just just like
a you know, last little hirah drink to drink two
pints quickly escalated anyway, so we went early, so it
was like I didn't finish her five We went on
like four thirty thirty minutes whatever. I had to get
a bus home anyway, so it's not like i'd just
(13:18):
been like run all the way home.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
Like did you stick to two pints? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (13:22):
Yeah, yeah because it stuck to two because I got
the call during the second pint. Lucky and April rang
me and she goes, oh, hey, like how are you.
I'm like yeah good. She's like, oh you are, like
you're coming home. I'm like, yeah, yep, I'm coming home.
She goes, oh yeah, just don't be alarmed. I'm in labor.
And I was like what. She goes, well, technically I'm
in labor. I'm like, I'm fine. She's at home. She's fine.
(13:44):
She's like, look, I've got a little bit of pelvic pain,
but I'm in labor apparently, and I'm dilated. And I
was like what oh shit. I was like, oh, okay,
I'm at my home. Now neck the beer.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
One more.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
I get one more where I'm like, sorry, guys, gotta go.
Judy calls, and then so there's that, and then I've
got to get on a bus.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
Were you excited? Were your nervous? Oh?
Speaker 1 (14:09):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I wasn't not excited, to be honest.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
Sometimes sometimes it's pretty green.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
I didn't know really what all that meant.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
You know, it's quite a nerve wracking experience. Sometimes you
could be more apprehensive because it's like it's a fucking
big deal, like it's you're excited to meet this little I.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
Was more like, I don't know what a lot of
those words mean, but I'm coming home now. And then
get home. She's like it's a little bit more painful.
Like she's like, but I'm okay, fine, we don't need
to go to the hospital. I'm like, okay, cool. So
I haven't really done the wrong thing could have. And
then we had something to eat or whatever, and they
(14:45):
progressively got worse and worse as they do. We went
to the hospital just to get a check, and as
it happens, they're like, you're not going home because you're
essentially in labor. In labor for quite some time, overnight hours.
Like I said, I couldn't do it, you know, I
couldn't do what she was doing, epidur all that sort
of stuff.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
Did you guys already have the bag packed full of
the essential line, Yeah, you had.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
It in the car just in case. But then we
also had like her mum on call if we needed
anything else or whatever, and yeah, and then eventually, like
it came time to push. I don't want to prolong
this story because you could be like, oh yeah, then
we had dinner, Like I had dinner, What did you
have actually sat on that really uncomfortable reclining chair that
you meant to sleep on?
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Oh? They terrible, aren't they?
Speaker 1 (15:27):
No? I was too busy push it and I'm like,
it's so bad, We've got it. And then it comes
time to push, and I mean April put in a
real good effort push push. We had to try and
use the vacuum to vacuum out EPI drill, EPI drill. Yeah. Yeah,
but she was just like poor man. Like I said,
(15:47):
I don't know how they do it, Like I've pushed
out some mean shit but nothing, nothing like that. And
it's like she was like pushing, pushing, wouldn't calm. He
was what they call it posterior. Yes, yeah, so the
head down dark, wrong way, yeah, completely stark. Our obsertration
was like eventually he's like he's not coming out. We
(16:07):
need to have an emergency, said. I think April at
that point was like, don't care, just get him out
of me. Like we knew it was a boy. Yeah, yeah,
So all of a sudden they hit that button on
the wall and wait, what button, there's like.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
A confetti comes down. We got to win. He's stuck.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
And yeah, so pressed the button. All of a sudden
there's like fifteen people ready to carry because they've got
to move you onto a different bed to get you
ready for surgery and theater. Sorry and all that sort
of stuff. Right anyway, the press the button and I'm like, fuck,
where's all these fucking people come from? And then they're
like moving into beds and then they're like, come on, Ash,
you've got to come with us.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
How many hours do you think roughly from when you
guys arrived at hospital to this point we're talking, Well.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
We arrived at hospital at about nine o'clock the night
before Oscar was born at about eleven thirty pm.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
It's a long stint. So at this point, more importantly,
how is your back after being in that chair for
so long?
Speaker 1 (17:06):
Fucked, it's still bad.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
Yeah, Look, lots of money has been spent on my
the same sinse. Yeah, it's never been the same sins. Honestly,
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (17:19):
That's pretty It's such an unknown, right, You're just like, hey,
I'm just a little passenger on this experience. Yeah, and
I guess you tell me what's going to happen.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
And it's all like I can do, and like any
man can do is just be like try and just
be there, right, That's all you can really do. Get
yelled at, cop it thankfully, April not too bad like
she was pretty much like you know, it was just
me trying to comfort her the.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
Whole time, holding hands.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
Oh I'm not touching that. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
Did you ever did you ever try and say come on,
April big breaths, No, do.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Any Oh?
Speaker 2 (17:58):
Yeah I did that. That was the worst I ever do.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
I didn't want to be like, push a bit harder
next time. Yeah. I was like, you know, next time
when you get a contraction, be like yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
There was one moment where I was like, come on, Laura,
you can do it through the nose.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
She shut the f off. Shut up, Matthew.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
I was like, I will not do that again.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
Yeah. So all the people come in the room and
they're like moving in to a more of a theater bed,
which is fine until they say, ash, you've got to
You've got to come out now with us. And right
there on the floor is a big pile of turd.
My wife's pushed out. So I'm like, oh, let me
just get round that. Someone going to pick that up. Well,
you can push that thing out if you push that out. Look,
(18:44):
it was pretty mushy, and I vividly remember that. I
remember I was like, babe, respect, have I ever done
that in front of you? So every time I fart
in front of her now, I'm like, remember that time
you shout on the floor.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
I remember a lot of people kind of said like, hey,
jes so you're aware this may happen. They're shitting on
the floor.
Speaker 1 (19:07):
No one told me I no one told you she
could a shot on my foot like it was wearing
brand new shoes.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
Do you offer to clean it up or no?
Speaker 1 (19:17):
There was another twelve blokes there and we go down
to the theater as you do their prep for theater
blah blah blah, And then I'm in like the small
little prep theater area where like I'm doing the paperwork
bit right, there's a little bit of paperwork you gonna do. Anyway,
they pushed her into the theater and before they move
it off from that bed to the operating bed. They're
like one, two, three, lift, and all I hear is
(19:40):
this big bang, and I thought she's on the ground.
She's fallen on the ground. She didn't fall on the ground, Matthew,
but like that was my first initial thought. Then all
of a sudden started to think about that movie, what
to expect when you're expecting. There's a one of the
couples in there. The wife starts to lose blood and
he's thinking about whether it's going to be a single
dad for these whole life now immediately, so I'm just.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
In this city's thoughts that they're running through.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they're like everything's okay,
you can come in, sat down, and obviously they do.
I don't know. I don't want to look. I can't.
We're talking about this what was the big crash. It
was just the noise of April moving beds because it's
like sterile environments. It just that's what they tell me.
It echoed probably dropped her and she felt to before Yeah,
(20:25):
she gone, she's in the theater room downstairs. And then like, yeah,
I didn't want to look the curtain. Remember the obstetrician
and the rest is a bit of a blow. It's
all adrenaline for everyone that's in the room, right, And
I remember they dropped the curtain and like he was
half out of the stomach and they like turned him
around and like, and I was just like, put him back.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
Is he still in the in the sack?
Speaker 1 (20:48):
Nah?
Speaker 2 (20:49):
Nah?
Speaker 1 (20:49):
He was just screaming. He was purple screaming, like, which
is a good thing if they're screaming, right, because they're
getting all the shit out of it. And they're like,
do you want a whole I'm like, no, wrap that
thing up. I was just like And then obviously after that,
it's a beautiful moment, right, Baby's born, great, some photos
(21:10):
and everything went swimmingly, except for the fact that he
was just screamed for like three or four days after that.
So that was Oscar. But the next one was a
planned sea section because we had an emergency sea section.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
Can I just science before you go into baby number two?
Speaker 1 (21:23):
It'd be really quick, It'll be really quick.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
But yeah, don't you fucking shut up and listen to
my story with we haven't been involved in a cesarian.
Is that a moment of just a kind of stitch
April up and then she's good to go? Could she
hold the baby?
Speaker 1 (21:39):
Good to go? Like? Up, you pop out to go?
You next time you can walk out. So like I
got to take the baby. So I'm with the baby
for like hours at this point, not hours, It felt
like hours.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Did you go shirt off?
Speaker 1 (21:52):
Not at first? No skin on skin, not at that point. No,
it was like thankfully my mother in law and father
in law there and came out and we were you know,
everyone had a hold and it was nice. But like
he screamed the whole time, so that wasn't nice. But
he did, like stop bits and pieces doing there. But
I mean, can't blame with the guy's just come out
of a comfortable salm womb womb into the bright lights
(22:14):
of a fucking hospital. Also did the lights a bit
like the poor kids, like.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
Bit of moodlight.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
I can imagine that's what it would be like being
abducted by aliens and they're like, okay, turn the light up, flashlight.
It's guys, just a bit of moodlight and you're gonna
stick something. I fucking wreck them.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Look, the whole twenty four hours was very stressful. When
it came to pushing because she pushed for ages and
ages and ages. It was kind of like not the plan.
It was a bit like all of a sudden, you're
going into like them and those out who are listening
wo have had the same thing. It's like, all of
a sudden, you're going into like a serious surgery where
you could die essentially if you lose blood. So, yeah,
(22:54):
there was a lot of high emotion for a couple
of days afterwards. It wasn't smooth sailing, which probably a
lot of them aren't.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
Yeah, I think I think a lot of people go
into these experiences with a set idea of what their
birth plan is, and you've kind of got to realize
that it's not really up to you. Yeah, in a
lot of situations, is up to the medical staff to
be like, this is the new way we're going and
we have to do this because of X, Y and Z,
And you're just.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
Like, well, sweet, I'm not gonna Yeah, I've got a
friend who have two kids and they're both kids. She
lost a lot of blood like during the vaginal birth
and like nearly died both times. It's like you just
can't plan for that.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
Yeah, this is hang on a second. Eight twenty five.
We didn't have lose blood.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
Nearly die at nine point thirty at. No, that's high
level in terms of emotion for the first one, the
second one. And I couldn't suggest this more a plant
ce section. It's like checking into a hotel. It's great,
like turn up a bit nerve wracking, you know, turn
up check in, you know, check all aprils, bloods, do
all that sort of stuff, poking and proden her. I'm
just on my phone lines.
Speaker 2 (23:58):
Can I ask another question?
Speaker 1 (23:59):
Ash?
Speaker 2 (24:00):
Not to send naive here, but if your first is
not vaginal, your first is a cesarean, your second has
to then be a cesarian.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
Is that I'm not a doctor.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
No, yeah, just a love of people to their doctor.
Were like, well, actually I heard Ash say that can
be vaginal birds.
Speaker 1 (24:22):
Well, guys, there's a guy that I listened to never
met an obstetrician.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
Ash.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
She was drinking a beer at the time, taking booking. Fully,
I'll talk you through it. A look, I think there's
a really high risk of it splitting during pushing hemorrhaging.
I don't know. I look like I said, I'm not
a physician.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
But I'm taking that as well.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
We had to we had to. People are going to
be like, she wouldn't have had to have done it. Look,
we were advised by someone who I paid money to, right,
so we just took the advice. So checked into the
hotel and the baby making hotel. So you book a
time going we doubts look like this, do it first
thing in the morning. You're done with. Get it over
with because I don't want to be waiting all day
(25:03):
in the hospital going to the theater like this time
not as rush, nice calm. It was actually really nice.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
Was there still that same bang when they put April
on the table? There was the bang?
Speaker 1 (25:13):
No bang. Now I'm suspicious and I'm facing April's just
sitting on the side because they're putting the painkillers in
epidua or whatever so that she can't feel them cut
it open and all that sort of stuff. I'm facing
her like this, and all of a sudden, a hot
flush comes over me in that moment, And for anyone
who's ash and I were facing each.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
Other, obviously she's got back to back, so she's on
the edge of the bed.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
Yeah yeah, And I'm facing her like that, and I
just hit the deck faint full faint and I've got
a photo here. I don't know if I'm the first
man ever to faint in a plan C section. I
would like to know, actually there he is. Oh my
(26:03):
legs up, legs up on the chair, ice packed. No
one was even attending to April or the nurses, just
like are you a gay? So I remember I was
like holding April's hands and I was like just looking
at an April couldn't see anything or because it was April.
And then I was like gone out on the ground,
(26:31):
woke up, towel on my head. They gave me an
orange juice, which was nice. That is so I actually
spent the rest of the birth like that.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
You poor poor thing.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
It's all about me anyway. So our obstetrition took this
photo because she was just like here a pussy, get off.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
The flour and you stayed there all like it's the
safest place to be. You don't want to get back up.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
And then well they're like, we don't want this child
to see how much of a pussy their father is.
It's like you better get up.
Speaker 2 (26:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
So that was the second one, which everything else went
really smoothly. After that.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
You made a full recovery.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
I've made a full recovery well since I've never been
the same. What about you, Matthew? How did you go?
Speaker 2 (27:13):
It was a little bit strange in that we were
in the midwif free program and.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
Unfortunately, fun is it to say that mid it's.
Speaker 2 (27:22):
A fucking good word wed with we and a lot
of people said this, that's the best when you go public,
that's like the one you want. You kind of got
to elect it and then depending on availability, you may
or may not get it towards the tale, and unfortunately
the midwife, i mean wife one of her parents was unwell.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
Who cares, It's not my problem, it's.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
About us, it's not you. So she had to go
back to Perth. And then we were then passed around
a few different midwives.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Did you not splurge for the obstetrician?
Speaker 2 (27:52):
We didn't, Sorry, money bags, jeez, it must be nice you're.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
Bringing you're bringing life into this world.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
Okay, but I think it was a case where every
midwife thought the other midwife had told us what was
happening next.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
Oh, the classic miscommunication. So we were.
Speaker 2 (28:11):
Rocking up and they were kind of like, no one
really knew. They're like, did Shantell say this and we're
like no, and they're like, oh, that's weird. Anyway, see
you later. We'll see you soon. And then we missed
our due date, so they were like, you're going to
be induced. And then one of the midwives said come
in on Tuesday, and we kind of assumed that was
for our next appointment. So we drive to the hospital
(28:32):
for the Tuesday appointment and the next midwife is then
seeing us and she looks at us a little bit
confused and goes, oh, you guys pack light because we
had nothing, and we're like, what do you mean, and
like you're about to be induced?
Speaker 1 (28:45):
Were about from the hits that surprised you didn't know
it got them and they're like, got him? Fellas was.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
It was such a fucking random moment. We didn't even
have the bag half packed, but it was at home.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
So all of a sudden, Laura, I don't know how
organized you are too.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
I'm actually I was quite bad. Obviously Laura was. She
was in charge of probably now and Laura kind of said, oh, Matt,
can you go back home, can you get the bag?
Can you bring this? This? And this? And I was like, fuck,
it's happening. I never expected it to be this much
of a surprise, but she got induced and similar scenario
(29:34):
where Marley was posterious, head down facing the wrong way.
Baby got stuck. And it wasn't too long like, it
wasn't a really drawn out like, it wasn't over twelve hours,
but it was still a really long time and it
got to the point where the baby was just not coming,
no longer moving. Baby was stuck, and the midwife at
the time, who didn't know what was going on, she
(29:56):
was like, Okay, if the baby doesn't move anymore, we
may be in a bit of trouble here. And at
the same time, one of the head obstetricians, I can't
remember his name, but he was what they say is
like the godfather of He was he was about sixty
odds and everyone said within the industry, if you call
(30:20):
it that, he is regarded as one of the best.
And by chance he happened to be on call and
was walking down the hallway past our room and he
was like, oh, and he popped in and he was inquisitive.
And then moments later there was a group of student
(30:41):
medical scrubs and obviously Laura was focused on pushing, and
someone kind of tapped me on the shoulder and said,
do you mind if the students come in? And I'm
not they're not like high school, they're like adults and
preschool walks in. But I said, of course, please make
(31:04):
yourself comfortable, take a seat, front row, reserve.
Speaker 1 (31:08):
Popcorn anybody, no baby's moving.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
There was probably about I want to say, my memory
is somewhat blurred ash, but I want to say there
was about eight or nine students.
Speaker 1 (31:20):
Wow, full house. That's a full house. That's a party.
I could have squeezed two more in there as a
baby shower, that's what that is.
Speaker 2 (31:29):
And I remember there was a moment the students are
watching on and this obstetrician who is such an expert
he learned over to Laura and he said, hey, you
know you've really got to push here. Okay, the next
push on it's really really big, as big as you've got,
give me everything, and remember you've got to push me away, okay.
(31:49):
And I remember thinking that's a weird thing to say,
what do you mean by that? And Laura looked at
him and gave him a little nod as in, I
understand what you need. I got this, and she just
retracted her arms, leant forward and gave this old guy,
the obstetrician, the biggest push you've ever seen. He went flying.
Speaker 1 (32:14):
He now what was the most regarded obstetrician.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
He was horizontal.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
Oh my god.
Speaker 2 (32:21):
He landed on the floor and I was like, get.
Speaker 1 (32:24):
Him, Laura, do it again. We're getting well, he's down.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
Hey Luck, it's w W. And what he meant, Ash,
which I now know, is if you push me away,
I won't have to get involved and exactly, yeah, exactly,
but Laura and I thought that he meant.
Speaker 1 (32:46):
Push him away physically, which I blame him. Yeah, he
looks choice be more specific in that moment. Yeah, if
he's the most regarded, imagine what the least regarded with
that was.
Speaker 2 (32:59):
That was amateur hour by him.
Speaker 1 (33:00):
Anyway.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
So we got back up and they had to got
a doctor. What do they call when you have eyotomy?
Thank you very much, doctor ash. Yes, So that's that's
how it progressed, which is fucking.
Speaker 1 (33:17):
Horrific for you, especially.
Speaker 2 (33:21):
Similar to yourself. I mean, I can't imagine cesarians obviously
a step above that, but you're just this person in
the room who was so useless. I'm so useless other
than like the odd you're doing. Like in my head,
I was like, give Laura some encouragements, so like, you're
doing great, honey, Like you don't.
Speaker 1 (33:38):
I feel like they feel like you don't want to
be patronizing to oh, you're doing really good.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
So I think holding the hand and if she said
I want a water like I'd.
Speaker 1 (33:49):
Be yeah, that's like that's all you can do. Like
water boy, I was two jugs go, but like after that,
like just smooth sailing through, It's never smooth sailing. Let's
be completely honest. If you're having a baby, or about
to have a baby right now, or just had a baby,
(34:10):
there is no such thing as smooth sailing, as smooth
as it can be because it's honestly, like I said,
your life will never be the same once it does.
Pop out of their screaming its fucking head off, and
some of them stop screaming, but others like just hadn't
stopped fucking screaming.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
Marley was was pretty good, like she was pretty quiet, Like, hey,
she was in her eyes open, she was quite alert.
I remember them saying, oh, she's quite she's quite alert
for it.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
Did they did you do the hearing test? And they
look like a DJ. After the two big things over
is there's like hearing's all fine, play.
Speaker 2 (34:49):
And then this may not come a surprise ash, But
I took my clothes off and when.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
Skin to skin you love taking your kid off?
Speaker 2 (34:56):
Yeah, like pants off.
Speaker 1 (34:57):
They're like, sir, not, there's not we meant my skin
to skin.
Speaker 2 (35:01):
I was shirt off about halfway through. I was, I
was prepared. I was greased up in the corner. Get
me this.
Speaker 1 (35:08):
Baby ready to wrestle, Let's go.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
My mum was in the room as well, which was
quite nice. Clothes both just standing naked. We're ready. But
I remember when I first held Marley and I was like,
holy fuck, I am now a dad. You know this
moment I've been waiting for for nine months. And at
(35:33):
that moment, I had a little cry and I wasn't
like a blubbering mess, but I was just like the
rush of emotion is high, Like nothing a better.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
Experience, totally Yeah, And like I haven't held a lot
of babies when before that that's a lie.
Speaker 2 (35:48):
You would you would go around the playground. Does he
want a little want more?
Speaker 1 (35:54):
Honestly, I was like, can I put it down now?
Because I was I was just like, surely he's uncomfortable.
I wasn't fit, you know how, like you gotta be
like occupationally fit for it. I was like, it's getting
kind of heavy.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
But I was also fucking petrified because yeah, yeah, delicate at.
Speaker 1 (36:11):
The same time, yeah, yeah that Like I had my
mother in law and my father in law there, like thankfully,
they were like that's you know, and I was like,
shake it up, got c Yeah. At the same time,
I was just like, so hadn't slept either, because I
was next to April the whole time. Yeah, look, it's
a whole it's an ordeal.
Speaker 2 (36:29):
And then the reality of parenting.
Speaker 1 (36:32):
Sinks right in when you when you're driving home at
forty k is an hour, like.
Speaker 2 (36:37):
Is it okay? Still breathing, isn't there?
Speaker 1 (36:39):
Yeah, it's still good. The first time they have a
decent sleep and you're like, is he dead? Yeah, and
you've got to go in there and finger under the
I was just opening up and that you're like, fuck,
well that's a good story, mathey. But let's let's move
on into my favorite segment, Tell Me Lies.
Speaker 2 (37:01):
Tell me Ash. As always, we dive deep into the
DM's open you be go on, go on, and we
select the best lies that are submitted by the dorting,
moms and dads of social media. We get many, many
(37:21):
lies we do.
Speaker 1 (37:22):
We get a lot of really good lies. We're helping
each other out.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
Unfortunately, only time for two ash your best one? What
do you got?
Speaker 1 (37:28):
Yes, my best one this week? And I can't believe
we haven't said this one. It's on the list of
lies that we've received. We keep a list and just
chog my memory about something I do as well. So
this one says, when you're at the shop, obviously you
say all the toys at the shop are display only.
It's very good. We all know what that's like. You're like, ah, now,
(37:50):
sometimes you just buy and one to shut them the
fuck up off the back of this. What we do
with Oscar is and I did make a video about
this a while ago, is when we go to the show,
because they're display only, we take a photo of Oscar
holding the toy so he can look back at it
later when it comes to when it comes to his
(38:11):
birthday or Christmas, and it says like, okay, just to
remind us what he really really liked.
Speaker 2 (38:18):
Brilliant.
Speaker 1 (38:19):
There you go, brilliant, so that you know they say,
there's no advice here. Take that one and run with it. Matthew,
that's all yours. What have you brought for us today?
I think that's a great lie in general. But there's
extensions of that lie.
Speaker 2 (38:33):
Okay, Ash This one comes from Jessica. She has submitted
this one on the two dotting Dad's Instagram page, which
is the best way to give us your lines if
you had it read out on the podcast, which I'm
sure it would be the highlight of one's weak ash Oh.
Speaker 1 (38:49):
And call to action, go and follow it. Please. If
you're not following it, go and follow it.
Speaker 2 (38:55):
Jump aboard. But Jessica says, I tell my daughter the
small car the merry go rounds at the show popping
centers only work on your birthday. So she is now
two and a half and will run up to the
kids who's playing on them and say that's great. The
parents always look at her with a very weird, strange
(39:16):
look on their face.
Speaker 1 (39:18):
Look, that's really good, that's clever, and what a lovely daughter.
You're also making people's day as well, because they think
they're like, it's my birthday, that's great, it's my birthday,
and the other.
Speaker 2 (39:29):
Parents are like, oh god, no, it's not your birthday to.
Speaker 1 (39:31):
Me there with Oskar, I'm like, look that's clever because
look those things are spending four bucks ago.
Speaker 2 (39:39):
Inflation hitting hard and do you.
Speaker 1 (39:41):
Know crafty motherfuckers too. They've put the little payWave on there.
When they were coins, you could easily be like, sorry, sorry, bud,
don't have any coins because daddy's poor. Now it's just like, look,
they know they know what it is.
Speaker 2 (39:54):
Because give me your phone, give it.
Speaker 1 (39:58):
And like Oscar knows how to use my phone. You
know it's my past. Cote.
Speaker 2 (40:02):
You say that kids aren't smart, they fucking they know
what's going on. You know what's going on. Hey, let's
answer some listener questions.
Speaker 1 (40:09):
Ashton, Yes, Matthew, how do you stop your toddler getting
up at the crack of dawn?
Speaker 2 (40:16):
Yes, very good question. Two things that I do, ash
One is I put them to bed quite late, keep
them up to midnight.
Speaker 1 (40:26):
I keep them up till four am, and like sleep
this one off.
Speaker 2 (40:32):
Sometimes I go to bed at eight o'clock and they
sleep until seven. It's fucking great.
Speaker 1 (40:36):
Seven's good.
Speaker 2 (40:37):
Seven's the dream.
Speaker 1 (40:38):
Seven is good. I just was thinking, like last night,
how good would it be to get like twelve thirteen
hours to sleep. They don't know how good they got it, dude.
Speaker 2 (40:46):
Well, when we were away, I think it was maybe
it was the morning that we left and I had
to leave here at like five point thirty to get
to the airport. Laura messaged me and said, the kids
will slept into like seven forty five.
Speaker 1 (40:57):
Oh yeah, how good.
Speaker 2 (40:59):
Yeah. One thing that I've started to do, which long
term is a fucking nightmare, but short term it's great.
Speaker 1 (41:07):
I laid on me.
Speaker 2 (41:08):
I've started, and it's Lord will be so disappointed in me.
I've started giving What if it's quite early, say it's
like the annoying window is between five to six, because
it's probably too late for them to go back to sleep.
But you don't want to get up at five o'clock. See, like,
what can I give them? I will give them a
(41:29):
baby bottle? So Marley's four, I'll give her a bottle
of milk and a baby bottle in bed.
Speaker 1 (41:34):
Instead, we should take them back to sleep, not always
which is quiet. Yeah, just it gives me My kids
have a bottle every morning, both of them together. That
it's like a bonding thing like that. I will get
them up the coming to bed with us and have
a bottle and then we'll all just sit there. It's
quite nice.
Speaker 2 (41:49):
I know some people. I remember at the age of two,
another parent was like, your children are still on bottles.
Speaker 1 (41:55):
And I was like, judgmental, this is a no judge area,
going to judge whatever's easiest for you.
Speaker 2 (42:02):
Parents told me that the child works up at five
o'clock and they give them a beer to get to
go back to sleep. I get it, part of least
resistances a lot. But now Marley's back on. So I
have to have to say to Marley, I don't.
Speaker 1 (42:16):
Don't tell mom.
Speaker 2 (42:16):
Don't tell mom, which shouldn't do that. Secrets are bad.
But then so Marley will come to me and she's like, hey, Dad,
give me a bottle. But it's it's like four in
the afternoon. It's not going to happen.
Speaker 1 (42:29):
We've changed, like our school have oat milk and it's
a really good way. Fuck, I'm full against today.
Speaker 2 (42:34):
You belong in the Eastern suburbs. Mate, giving your fucking
kids intolerance, Ah is siliac as well, fucking a glutton.
Speaker 1 (42:44):
Here's a handy hint, Matthew. It's a really good way
to get your kids to drink water as you put
a bit of milk in, heat it up for thirty seconds,
then you cool it down a bit, with the rest
of it being water. Yes, bam, hydrated.
Speaker 2 (42:58):
I feel like everyone does that.
Speaker 1 (42:59):
Oh okay, well so fuck myself.
Speaker 2 (43:03):
What you're telling me is effectively just like, hey, it's
a thing called a dummy.
Speaker 1 (43:07):
There's a thing called like general knowledge no shit, Ash, Yeah, okay, right,
next question.
Speaker 2 (43:14):
What surprised you the most about becoming a parent? Ash?
Speaker 1 (43:18):
Hmmm, I'm surprised that I went thirty years without using wipes?
What do you mean, like, I can't live without them?
I think we've been over this before, but I just
want to stress I love wipes. It's the best thing
about having kids. They are one of them, and I'm
surprised how did I live without them? Not wiping on
(43:39):
my anus, which which I know you're assuming what I mean, Well,
I use.
Speaker 2 (43:43):
Them sometimes sometimes if it's a it's.
Speaker 1 (43:46):
A treat, I use it. Like with food, I'm like,
I got a burrito here, I'm like, where are your
wipes them?
Speaker 2 (43:56):
I have to make sure that when you come over
to record that we have enough wipes.
Speaker 1 (44:00):
All that you've got like one of those enormously.
Speaker 2 (44:02):
This is for the kids.
Speaker 1 (44:04):
Don't touch these wipes. These are for Uncle Ash.
Speaker 2 (44:07):
It's super sad, but also it's quite handy as well.
If the benchtop's quite messy, little chiky white.
Speaker 1 (44:15):
I wipe the floor with it yesterday. Man, I'll wipe
anything with it. I'll wash the car with them. This
is I'm just out there.
Speaker 2 (44:26):
They are bloody great.
Speaker 1 (44:27):
They are great. They are great anyway, so I'm surprised
I've got through my whole life before having kids. So
I've got them to thank them for that.
Speaker 2 (44:36):
I guess for me, it's just how much of a.
Speaker 1 (44:40):
Loser you are.
Speaker 2 (44:42):
Emotional, I now crime more than ever.
Speaker 1 (44:46):
Look, no one wants to hear that. That's all we
got time for.
Speaker 2 (44:48):
Okay, Well, thanks much.
Speaker 1 (44:50):
Remember to if you like this episode, please go leave
a review, leave a review, subscribe, jump on our Instagram.
Speaker 2 (44:57):
If you aren't going to give us a review, and
you're going to drop in and give us five stars.
I love it so much reading the reviews. Yeah that
it makes my week. And when I see someone's left
a review as a number of stars and not written anything.
Speaker 1 (45:12):
It's worthless. It's not. It's such a tease and make
sure you follow a long hour Instagram because we do
some giveaways here or there. We've got some stuff coming
up back end of the year. Of course, Father's.
Speaker 2 (45:22):
Day always coming up, is coming up, so jump on.
And if you know a parent out there or maybe
could be to someone's having a shit day and they
don't have kids, they're probably going to be like, why
are you sending me a parenting podcast?
Speaker 1 (45:35):
Afterwards they'll feel better about not having kids.
Speaker 2 (45:38):
If you know a parent out there who's doing it tough,
needs to laugh and they want to hear two dads
talk about how bad they are at parenting, send them this.
That's why we are here and Ash, I think we
should pack up and get.
Speaker 1 (45:52):
Out of here. So you guy than.
Speaker 2 (46:01):
Two Doting Dads. Podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country
throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community.
Speaker 1 (46:09):
We pay our respects to their elders past and present
and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torrestrate islander
peoples today. This episode was recorded on gadagal Land
I just went for a little walk to get that
burrito and nice coffee. Down there. Really are go down there,
the people who live around here, they're all so beautiful.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Thank you, just not.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
You, your fucking prawn, just the features. And I was
just like, where are two arms and ten fingers, two arms,
two legs except for Buster?
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Just exquisite.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
I just was like, call these good looking people walking
into the cafe. Everyone's nicely dressed. I'm like, fuck, you'd
hate to be like below the poverty line walking through
this suburb right now, Meal.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Welcome back to two doting dads. I am Maddie J.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
And I'm Ash. This is fuck it up his time.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
Don't fuck what your.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Fuck the intro up for the Mick Fanning episode.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
Don't tell people, all right, don't tell I don't know what.
We'll keeping that in because I Ash, I just power
on through.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
If there's a mistake, I heard about it for like
forty eight hours after your Life, We've got to re record.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Fuck. This is a podcast all about parenting. It's the good, the.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
Bad, and the relatable.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
And if you've come for advice, stop right now, pull
the handbrake up.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
And go around and get the fuck out of here.
Although today maybe I'll have some advice.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Any anyone who takes advice from Ashton Wigs.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Don't say my full name the ato after.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Me ash Yes, I want to say condolences for not winning.
The Bitcoin better be a competition that is now over.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
I don't need the money.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
That's a life.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
I definitely need the money.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
But congratulations to those who have won. Yes, your bitcoins,
that's that forty five grand each. The boys round about
slinging up bitcoins like it was gone out.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Of fashion, sling me one. We could go halves in
a bitcoin?
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Did you message? I feel like you would have messaged them,
and when you're like on a night out.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
No, I'm waiting for elon masks right back to my
dam if I reach out to the boys. But look,
I didn't win. You didn't win that I know of.
Someone did win, and I don't know who it is,
but I will find you. I have a unique set
of skills.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
But it's not all bad news because July is over drive.
July has finished and I'm back on the back to
my back to no place.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
Like home, back in your neck of the woods, no
place like home. Whenever I get an order of better beer.
There's mainly more cases of this than the rest because
it is my favorite.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
What's so good about it? Why do you love it
so much?
Speaker 1 (02:49):
Just got a nice a little bit of a sweet
taste to U's not too bubbly nice. I gave my
mum one. Actually, what did she really liked it? She
was like, oh shit, it's pretty good.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
She's a massive piss head.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
Though, No, she's not.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
She is no. She whenever I was spoken to her
on the phone, she's always she's always.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
Don't tell her that, she'd hate that. She drinks moderately. Anyway,
Thank you, better be' gonna crack it beautiful.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
Cheers my friend cheers.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Oh god, the doorbell's just run bust. He's gone off
his head.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
I would just like to apologize for that little interruption.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
That's right, guess what it was. It was a stripper.
Let's do it.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
You wish you was online shopping?
Speaker 1 (03:45):
You get it delivered to work? That is a rookie mistake.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
L I'm meant to be able to spending freeze.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
Jesus, I'm always on a spending freeze. Allegedly.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
How are you feeling after a weekend dash in the club?
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Well, we went out Thursday night, me and you. I
got to bed about one o'clock on Friday night, and
then I finished up at about three thirty on Saturday night.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
We gammed up the ivy. How is it the ivy?
Speaker 1 (04:14):
Shit? I had to pay like thirty five bucks to
get in. I'm an old man.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
Did you did you say? I had to? It?
Speaker 1 (04:19):
Was it for a birthday?
Speaker 2 (04:20):
Lineup to get in?
Speaker 1 (04:21):
Yeah, it was fun.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
How long do you line up for?
Speaker 1 (04:23):
I can't remember. I was so drunk. It was good.
I had a good time. It was for a birthday.
We stayed in the city. It was nice, sleeping, was.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
A little little boogie on the dance floor.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
I don't remember a whole lot cool.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
Did you find it that?
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Someone?
Speaker 2 (04:34):
I spoke to Ash and I was like, did you
have a big night? He's like, no, no, no, I
wasn't that big. And then I jumped onto the two
doting dad's Instagram page and someone had tagged you in
a video and it was at like three in the morning.
Oh my god, Love is pumping lasers. Everyone's gone wild,
and it zooms in on one guy standing there looking
(04:57):
like he's lost his key. He's just a sad look
and they tagged at two days in the club.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
I don't know how people like that sort of It
was wild. I was there for a thirty year, but
I was looking around going I'm fucking old.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
But at the same time, I was also like, I
can do what I want. I'm out there slaying, are
you though? No, I was just yawning laser ds.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
I'm still recovering from a little little drink we had.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
On Thursday, Thursday or Friday morning, which one? It was
good team bonding, Oh yes, good team bonding. How many
arguments we had over that time A lot?
Speaker 2 (05:47):
It was good. Since then, my parenting is just it's
falling to piece of ash.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
Yeah, I do that to people.
Speaker 2 (05:54):
It's all going to ship.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
I had a moment where I don't know if Oscar
does this. Marley just started doing it where whenever I'm
cooking dinner, she's like, Daddy, can I help.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
I know, like it's something that I should should embrace that.
That's what I thought.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
At first. I was like, no, it's too hard. I
just want to like, I just want to get these
veggies chopped, steam them and then we can move on.
But then I was like, do you know what I
am going to allow her to step up into the
kitchen be my little sous chef. Then I realized do
you alan? You do things? And afterwards you go that
was really fucking dumb.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
Did you Gordon ramsay here and be like, what are
you an idiot? Sandwich? Oh?
Speaker 2 (06:32):
Yeah I was. I was swearing at her.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
Oh she wasn't tears, Like what is this with the hands?
What is this you call the scrambled eggs?
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Fucking disgusting? And I was chopping some veggies, not the carrots,
the zucchinis. Zucchini is easy to cut, and Marley was like,
can I cut them? And I was like, you're old enough.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
Sure, she's four. He's a chef's knife.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
I didn't give her the big one. I gave her
a small knife.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
You gave her an knife? Was a plastic knife?
Speaker 2 (07:02):
No, it was but knife recently sharpened cutting knife? Holy shit,
what are you doing? Don't give me that tone. I
was trying to encourage her to seventy the kitchen. We're
having a bonding session.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
Mate, you really, first you're given kids knives and now
this is sexism.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
But she had one trouble with zecchini, and I was
like this is a terrible decision.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
And then at that moment, Laura's come in and I'm
there on my phone scrolling, and I was like, She's like,
what are you fucking doing with? Like why's mother got
a knife? And I was like she wanted it, she
asked for it. Anyway, Afterwards, I was like, ah, man,
what am I doing?
Speaker 1 (07:45):
Yeah, don't guys, if you're listening, don't give your kids knives.
Speaker 2 (07:48):
Sometimes you've just got to veer off the track to
realize get back on the track.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Yeah, it's like you need a loss to come back
to be like I need to be better than that.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
Like she does this thing where she just somehow finds
where the knives are wherever I put them and walks
out with a knife. Somehow She'll open the discwasher like
she's got super strength to be like, how the fuck did.
Speaker 2 (08:11):
She open it?
Speaker 1 (08:11):
She's tiny, And then she even reached that and then
she just goes quiet and I look over and she's like,
got the chef's knife. I'm like, oh my.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
God, if it keeps them happy, let her haven't give
her something.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
She's holding it by the blade like.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
That, and I'm like, do you ever think I'll just
I'll leave it for one more minute because she's quiet.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
Just yanked out that way. I was like, put down
the knife like a hostage situation. I was like, excuse me, lady.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
It's not worth it.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
It's not that bad. You're not going to get in trouble.
She's like, I want to get away from here.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
Cal Why do kids love knives so much?
Speaker 1 (08:50):
I don't know. That's what she started going.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
Watching hanging out with April Sea Beast.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
Baby Sea Beast. They have a lot in there.
Speaker 2 (09:00):
There's a lot of stabbing in CB.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
There's a lot of drinking and stabbing for a child's.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Hey, just really quickly, I did I know you gave
me some homework because you're like, it's not a pooning hack,
it's a pooning style. It's a hack.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
You did it once and then you didn't work to it. No, No,
I didn't work. Look, it wasn't ideal. Just the kids
don't care. Your kids don't care about competition. Yeah not yet.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
Yeah, but this is how it went down. Hey, Marley,
I bet I can eat that corn faster than you. Marley,
I bet I can eat the corn faster. Show me
how fuch you can eat it Ready ready, Maley, here
we go, I can eat the corn first. Ready ready.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
So she didn't care give a shit.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
Literally didn't care a single iota, like no interest.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
I think it's I think it's must be a boy thing.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
It's a girl thing.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
I think Marley is a girl thing that don't care
that well. Like I always thought April wasn't competitive right, like,
not an overly competitive person until one time we got
on the sangreeas on the New Year's Eve at a
friend's house and the beer pong came out and she
got real competitive. Turned out her and my best friend
(10:18):
fight full fight, like a competitive fight over this. I
just separate them wild.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
So I don't know, maybe not growing to the competitive parenting.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
Are they throwing a fizz? Oh?
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Nearly headlocks over beer pong? We got pretty lit on
sang grea during the day.
Speaker 2 (10:34):
It's sometimes sangree will do that to people.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
She's not allowed to drink sangrea anymore.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
It'll make the nicest individual turn into an animal.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
Oh yeah, April is.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Not immune to that anyway.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
So it didn't work whatever, So Beno's thanks for that, mate,
thanks for nothing.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
I wanted it to work. I tried it for dinner.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
I tried one of those starter guns in all the Runners.
Was just like, shut, look, Marley's a little bit more
intellectual than Oscar. I would say, really like I can.
I can easily just be like to Oscar, be like, come,
I'm got to raise me. There gotta raise me. Let's
go and be like, Okay, I'll time you. That is
(11:15):
the dreamt that doesn't work.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
All the time we have been teasing, ash teasing.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
I feel like I'm missing. What am I missing? What
are we teasing?
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Go the childbirth story? You were being a big old
cock teas last episode. Would you like to go first
with your story or I can go first?
Speaker 1 (11:34):
What you First? Of all, I just want to say,
there's no way that you and I could do what
our wives have done. Oh my god, that should cover us, right,
That'll get us out of trouble for anything that comes
after that.
Speaker 2 (11:50):
So yeah, obviously.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
I've got I have two kids, so like there's two
birthing stories. That's so you're not going to be Yeah,
it is strange except for people have twins, and that
wouldn't be strange.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
So I apologize. You should wouldn't be a smart ass.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
I mean Oscar was meant to be a natural birth.
And on the day that was, you know, the Jew date,
it was meant to be my last day of work. Okay,
because it was like, okay, well after this, a baby
could come, right.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
But you had you did your last day of work
on the due date.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
Yeah, on the Jew date.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
That's high risk. Well go to earn the monies.
Speaker 1 (12:25):
I would have just left. Yes, yeah, you'd think that
I would have just left.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
Anyway, I may be jumping ahead, so tell me to
shut up if I'm asking questions that you're about to answer.
Did her waters break?
Speaker 1 (12:39):
No, thankfully, thankfully. So last day of work, And it
was also a friend of mine his last day at work,
but for a different reason. He was moving on. He
was actually going back overseas. So after work, we stopped
at the part at the bottom.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
Oh my god, you didn't.
Speaker 1 (12:57):
I didn't tell her that I was going on the bar,
but you didn't. But it was like just just like
a you know, last little hirah drink to drink two
pints quickly escalated anyway, so we went early, so it
was like I didn't finish her five We went on
like four thirty thirty minutes whatever. I had to get
a bus home anyway, so it's not like i'd just
(13:18):
been like run all the way home.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
Like did you stick to two pints? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (13:22):
Yeah, yeah because it stuck to two because I got
the call during the second pint. Lucky and April rang
me and she goes, oh, hey, like how are you.
I'm like yeah good. She's like, oh you are, like
you're coming home. I'm like, yeah, yep, I'm coming home.
She goes, oh yeah, just don't be alarmed. I'm in labor.
And I was like what. She goes, well, technically I'm
in labor. I'm like, I'm fine. She's at home. She's fine.
(13:44):
She's like, look, I've got a little bit of pelvic pain,
but I'm in labor apparently, and I'm dilated. And I
was like what oh shit. I was like, oh, okay,
I'm at my home. Now neck the beer.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
One more.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
I get one more where I'm like, sorry, guys, gotta go.
Judy calls, and then so there's that, and then I've
got to get on a bus.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
Were you excited? Were your nervous? Oh?
Speaker 1 (14:09):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I wasn't not excited, to be honest.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
Sometimes sometimes it's pretty green.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
I didn't know really what all that meant.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
You know, it's quite a nerve wracking experience. Sometimes you
could be more apprehensive because it's like it's a fucking
big deal, like it's you're excited to meet this little I.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
Was more like, I don't know what a lot of
those words mean, but I'm coming home now. And then
get home. She's like it's a little bit more painful.
Like she's like, but I'm okay, fine, we don't need
to go to the hospital. I'm like, okay, cool. So
I haven't really done the wrong thing could have. And
then we had something to eat or whatever, and they
(14:45):
progressively got worse and worse as they do. We went
to the hospital just to get a check, and as
it happens, they're like, you're not going home because you're
essentially in labor. In labor for quite some time, overnight hours.
Like I said, I couldn't do it, you know, I
couldn't do what she was doing, epidur all that sort
of stuff.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
Did you guys already have the bag packed full of
the essential line, Yeah, you had.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
It in the car just in case. But then we
also had like her mum on call if we needed
anything else or whatever, and yeah, and then eventually, like
it came time to push. I don't want to prolong
this story because you could be like, oh yeah, then
we had dinner, Like I had dinner, What did you
have actually sat on that really uncomfortable reclining chair that
you meant to sleep on?
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Oh? They terrible, aren't they?
Speaker 1 (15:27):
No? I was too busy push it and I'm like,
it's so bad, We've got it. And then it comes
time to push, and I mean April put in a
real good effort push push. We had to try and
use the vacuum to vacuum out EPI drill, EPI drill. Yeah. Yeah,
but she was just like poor man. Like I said,
(15:47):
I don't know how they do it, Like I've pushed
out some mean shit but nothing, nothing like that. And
it's like she was like pushing, pushing, wouldn't calm. He
was what they call it posterior. Yes, yeah, so the
head down dark, wrong way, yeah, completely stark. Our obsertration
was like eventually he's like he's not coming out. We
(16:07):
need to have an emergency, said. I think April at
that point was like, don't care, just get him out
of me. Like we knew it was a boy. Yeah, yeah,
So all of a sudden they hit that button on
the wall and wait, what button, there's like.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
A confetti comes down. We got to win. He's stuck.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
And yeah, so pressed the button. All of a sudden
there's like fifteen people ready to carry because they've got
to move you onto a different bed to get you
ready for surgery and theater. Sorry and all that sort
of stuff. Right anyway, the press the button and I'm like, fuck,
where's all these fucking people come from? And then they're
like moving into beds and then they're like, come on, Ash,
you've got to come with us.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
How many hours do you think roughly from when you
guys arrived at hospital to this point we're talking, Well.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
We arrived at hospital at about nine o'clock the night
before Oscar was born at about eleven thirty pm.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
It's a long stint. So at this point, more importantly,
how is your back after being in that chair for
so long?
Speaker 1 (17:06):
Fucked, it's still bad.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
Yeah, Look, lots of money has been spent on my
the same sinse. Yeah, it's never been the same sins. Honestly,
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (17:19):
That's pretty It's such an unknown, right, You're just like, hey,
I'm just a little passenger on this experience. Yeah, and
I guess you tell me what's going to happen.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
And it's all like I can do, and like any
man can do is just be like try and just
be there, right, That's all you can really do. Get
yelled at, cop it thankfully, April not too bad like
she was pretty much like you know, it was just
me trying to comfort her the.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
Whole time, holding hands.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
Oh I'm not touching that. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
Did you ever did you ever try and say come on,
April big breaths, No, do.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Any Oh?
Speaker 2 (17:58):
Yeah I did that. That was the worst I ever do.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
I didn't want to be like, push a bit harder
next time. Yeah. I was like, you know, next time
when you get a contraction, be like yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
There was one moment where I was like, come on, Laura,
you can do it through the nose.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
She shut the f off. Shut up, Matthew.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
I was like, I will not do that again.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
Yeah. So all the people come in the room and
they're like moving in to a more of a theater bed,
which is fine until they say, ash, you've got to
You've got to come out now with us. And right
there on the floor is a big pile of turd.
My wife's pushed out. So I'm like, oh, let me
just get round that. Someone going to pick that up. Well,
you can push that thing out if you push that out. Look,
(18:44):
it was pretty mushy, and I vividly remember that. I
remember I was like, babe, respect, have I ever done
that in front of you? So every time I fart
in front of her now, I'm like, remember that time
you shout on the floor.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
I remember a lot of people kind of said like, hey,
jes so you're aware this may happen. They're shitting on
the floor.
Speaker 1 (19:07):
No one told me I no one told you she
could a shot on my foot like it was wearing
brand new shoes.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
Do you offer to clean it up or no?
Speaker 1 (19:17):
There was another twelve blokes there and we go down
to the theater as you do their prep for theater
blah blah blah, And then I'm in like the small
little prep theater area where like I'm doing the paperwork
bit right, there's a little bit of paperwork you gonna do. Anyway,
they pushed her into the theater and before they move
it off from that bed to the operating bed. They're
like one, two, three, lift, and all I hear is
(19:40):
this big bang, and I thought she's on the ground.
She's fallen on the ground. She didn't fall on the ground, Matthew,
but like that was my first initial thought. Then all
of a sudden started to think about that movie, what
to expect when you're expecting. There's a one of the
couples in there. The wife starts to lose blood and
he's thinking about whether it's going to be a single
dad for these whole life now immediately, so I'm just.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
In this city's thoughts that they're running through.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they're like everything's okay,
you can come in, sat down, and obviously they do.
I don't know. I don't want to look. I can't.
We're talking about this what was the big crash. It
was just the noise of April moving beds because it's
like sterile environments. It just that's what they tell me.
It echoed probably dropped her and she felt to before Yeah,
(20:25):
she gone, she's in the theater room downstairs. And then like, yeah,
I didn't want to look the curtain. Remember the obstetrician
and the rest is a bit of a blow. It's
all adrenaline for everyone that's in the room, right, And
I remember they dropped the curtain and like he was
half out of the stomach and they like turned him
around and like, and I was just like, put him back.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
Is he still in the in the sack?
Speaker 1 (20:48):
Nah?
Speaker 2 (20:49):
Nah?
Speaker 1 (20:49):
He was just screaming. He was purple screaming, like, which
is a good thing if they're screaming, right, because they're
getting all the shit out of it. And they're like,
do you want a whole I'm like, no, wrap that
thing up. I was just like And then obviously after that,
it's a beautiful moment, right, Baby's born, great, some photos
(21:10):
and everything went swimmingly, except for the fact that he
was just screamed for like three or four days after that.
So that was Oscar. But the next one was a
planned sea section because we had an emergency sea section.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
Can I just science before you go into baby number two?
Speaker 1 (21:23):
It'd be really quick, It'll be really quick.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
But yeah, don't you fucking shut up and listen to
my story with we haven't been involved in a cesarian.
Is that a moment of just a kind of stitch
April up and then she's good to go? Could she
hold the baby?
Speaker 1 (21:39):
Good to go? Like? Up, you pop out to go?
You next time you can walk out. So like I
got to take the baby. So I'm with the baby
for like hours at this point, not hours, It felt
like hours.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Did you go shirt off?
Speaker 1 (21:52):
Not at first? No skin on skin, not at that point. No,
it was like thankfully my mother in law and father
in law there and came out and we were you know,
everyone had a hold and it was nice. But like
he screamed the whole time, so that wasn't nice. But
he did, like stop bits and pieces doing there. But
I mean, can't blame with the guy's just come out
of a comfortable salm womb womb into the bright lights
(22:14):
of a fucking hospital. Also did the lights a bit
like the poor kids, like.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
Bit of moodlight.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
I can imagine that's what it would be like being
abducted by aliens and they're like, okay, turn the light up, flashlight.
It's guys, just a bit of moodlight and you're gonna
stick something. I fucking wreck them.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Look, the whole twenty four hours was very stressful. When
it came to pushing because she pushed for ages and
ages and ages. It was kind of like not the plan.
It was a bit like all of a sudden, you're
going into like them and those out who are listening
wo have had the same thing. It's like, all of
a sudden, you're going into like a serious surgery where
you could die essentially if you lose blood. So, yeah,
(22:54):
there was a lot of high emotion for a couple
of days afterwards. It wasn't smooth sailing, which probably a
lot of them aren't.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
Yeah, I think I think a lot of people go
into these experiences with a set idea of what their
birth plan is, and you've kind of got to realize
that it's not really up to you. Yeah, in a
lot of situations, is up to the medical staff to
be like, this is the new way we're going and
we have to do this because of X, Y and Z,
And you're just.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
Like, well, sweet, I'm not gonna Yeah, I've got a
friend who have two kids and they're both kids. She
lost a lot of blood like during the vaginal birth
and like nearly died both times. It's like you just
can't plan for that.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
Yeah, this is hang on a second. Eight twenty five.
We didn't have lose blood.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
Nearly die at nine point thirty at. No, that's high
level in terms of emotion for the first one, the
second one. And I couldn't suggest this more a plant
ce section. It's like checking into a hotel. It's great,
like turn up a bit nerve wracking, you know, turn
up check in, you know, check all aprils, bloods, do
all that sort of stuff, poking and proden her. I'm
just on my phone lines.
Speaker 2 (23:58):
Can I ask another question?
Speaker 1 (23:59):
Ash?
Speaker 2 (24:00):
Not to send naive here, but if your first is
not vaginal, your first is a cesarean, your second has
to then be a cesarian.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
Is that I'm not a doctor.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
No, yeah, just a love of people to their doctor.
Were like, well, actually I heard Ash say that can
be vaginal birds.
Speaker 1 (24:22):
Well, guys, there's a guy that I listened to never
met an obstetrician.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
Ash.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
She was drinking a beer at the time, taking booking. Fully,
I'll talk you through it. A look, I think there's
a really high risk of it splitting during pushing hemorrhaging.
I don't know. I look like I said, I'm not
a physician.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
But I'm taking that as well.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
We had to we had to. People are going to
be like, she wouldn't have had to have done it. Look,
we were advised by someone who I paid money to, right,
so we just took the advice. So checked into the
hotel and the baby making hotel. So you book a
time going we doubts look like this, do it first
thing in the morning. You're done with. Get it over
with because I don't want to be waiting all day
(25:03):
in the hospital going to the theater like this time
not as rush, nice calm. It was actually really nice.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
Was there still that same bang when they put April
on the table? There was the bang?
Speaker 1 (25:13):
No bang. Now I'm suspicious and I'm facing April's just
sitting on the side because they're putting the painkillers in
epidua or whatever so that she can't feel them cut
it open and all that sort of stuff. I'm facing
her like this, and all of a sudden, a hot
flush comes over me in that moment, And for anyone
who's ash and I were facing each.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
Other, obviously she's got back to back, so she's on
the edge of the bed.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
Yeah yeah, And I'm facing her like that, and I
just hit the deck faint full faint and I've got
a photo here. I don't know if I'm the first
man ever to faint in a plan C section. I
would like to know, actually there he is. Oh my
(26:03):
legs up, legs up on the chair, ice packed. No
one was even attending to April or the nurses, just
like are you a gay? So I remember I was
like holding April's hands and I was like just looking
at an April couldn't see anything or because it was April.
And then I was like gone out on the ground,
(26:31):
woke up, towel on my head. They gave me an
orange juice, which was nice. That is so I actually
spent the rest of the birth like that.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
You poor poor thing.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
It's all about me anyway. So our obstetrition took this
photo because she was just like here a pussy, get off.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
The flour and you stayed there all like it's the
safest place to be. You don't want to get back up.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
And then well they're like, we don't want this child
to see how much of a pussy their father is.
It's like you better get up.
Speaker 2 (26:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
So that was the second one, which everything else went
really smoothly. After that.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
You made a full recovery.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
I've made a full recovery well since I've never been
the same. What about you, Matthew? How did you go?
Speaker 2 (27:13):
It was a little bit strange in that we were
in the midwif free program and.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
Unfortunately, fun is it to say that mid it's.
Speaker 2 (27:22):
A fucking good word wed with we and a lot
of people said this, that's the best when you go public,
that's like the one you want. You kind of got
to elect it and then depending on availability, you may
or may not get it towards the tale, and unfortunately
the midwife, i mean wife one of her parents was unwell.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
Who cares, It's not my problem, it's.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
About us, it's not you. So she had to go
back to Perth. And then we were then passed around
a few different midwives.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Did you not splurge for the obstetrician?
Speaker 2 (27:52):
We didn't, Sorry, money bags, jeez, it must be nice you're.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
Bringing you're bringing life into this world.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
Okay, but I think it was a case where every
midwife thought the other midwife had told us what was
happening next.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
Oh, the classic miscommunication. So we were.
Speaker 2 (28:11):
Rocking up and they were kind of like, no one
really knew. They're like, did Shantell say this and we're
like no, and they're like, oh, that's weird. Anyway, see
you later. We'll see you soon. And then we missed
our due date, so they were like, you're going to
be induced. And then one of the midwives said come
in on Tuesday, and we kind of assumed that was
for our next appointment. So we drive to the hospital
(28:32):
for the Tuesday appointment and the next midwife is then
seeing us and she looks at us a little bit
confused and goes, oh, you guys pack light because we
had nothing, and we're like, what do you mean, and
like you're about to be induced?
Speaker 1 (28:45):
Were about from the hits that surprised you didn't know
it got them and they're like, got him? Fellas was.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
It was such a fucking random moment. We didn't even
have the bag half packed, but it was at home.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
So all of a sudden, Laura, I don't know how
organized you are too.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
I'm actually I was quite bad. Obviously Laura was. She
was in charge of probably now and Laura kind of said, oh, Matt,
can you go back home, can you get the bag?
Can you bring this? This? And this? And I was like, fuck,
it's happening. I never expected it to be this much
of a surprise, but she got induced and similar scenario
(29:34):
where Marley was posterious, head down facing the wrong way.
Baby got stuck. And it wasn't too long like, it
wasn't a really drawn out like, it wasn't over twelve hours,
but it was still a really long time and it
got to the point where the baby was just not coming,
no longer moving. Baby was stuck, and the midwife at
the time, who didn't know what was going on, she
(29:56):
was like, Okay, if the baby doesn't move anymore, we
may be in a bit of trouble here. And at
the same time, one of the head obstetricians, I can't
remember his name, but he was what they say is
like the godfather of He was he was about sixty
odds and everyone said within the industry, if you call
(30:20):
it that, he is regarded as one of the best.
And by chance he happened to be on call and
was walking down the hallway past our room and he
was like, oh, and he popped in and he was inquisitive.
And then moments later there was a group of student
(30:41):
medical scrubs and obviously Laura was focused on pushing, and
someone kind of tapped me on the shoulder and said,
do you mind if the students come in? And I'm
not they're not like high school, they're like adults and
preschool walks in. But I said, of course, please make
(31:04):
yourself comfortable, take a seat, front row, reserve.
Speaker 1 (31:08):
Popcorn anybody, no baby's moving.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
There was probably about I want to say, my memory
is somewhat blurred ash, but I want to say there
was about eight or nine students.
Speaker 1 (31:20):
Wow, full house. That's a full house. That's a party.
I could have squeezed two more in there as a
baby shower, that's what that is.
Speaker 2 (31:29):
And I remember there was a moment the students are
watching on and this obstetrician who is such an expert
he learned over to Laura and he said, hey, you
know you've really got to push here. Okay, the next
push on it's really really big, as big as you've got,
give me everything, and remember you've got to push me away, okay.
(31:49):
And I remember thinking that's a weird thing to say,
what do you mean by that? And Laura looked at
him and gave him a little nod as in, I
understand what you need. I got this, and she just
retracted her arms, leant forward and gave this old guy,
the obstetrician, the biggest push you've ever seen. He went flying.
Speaker 1 (32:14):
He now what was the most regarded obstetrician.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
He was horizontal.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
Oh my god.
Speaker 2 (32:21):
He landed on the floor and I was like, get.
Speaker 1 (32:24):
Him, Laura, do it again. We're getting well, he's down.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
Hey Luck, it's w W. And what he meant, Ash,
which I now know, is if you push me away,
I won't have to get involved and exactly, yeah, exactly,
but Laura and I thought that he meant.
Speaker 1 (32:46):
Push him away physically, which I blame him. Yeah, he
looks choice be more specific in that moment. Yeah, if
he's the most regarded, imagine what the least regarded with
that was.
Speaker 2 (32:59):
That was amateur hour by him.
Speaker 1 (33:00):
Anyway.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
So we got back up and they had to got
a doctor. What do they call when you have eyotomy?
Thank you very much, doctor ash. Yes, So that's that's
how it progressed, which is fucking.
Speaker 1 (33:17):
Horrific for you, especially.
Speaker 2 (33:21):
Similar to yourself. I mean, I can't imagine cesarians obviously
a step above that, but you're just this person in
the room who was so useless. I'm so useless other
than like the odd you're doing. Like in my head,
I was like, give Laura some encouragements, so like, you're
doing great, honey, Like you don't.
Speaker 1 (33:38):
I feel like they feel like you don't want to
be patronizing to oh, you're doing really good.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
So I think holding the hand and if she said
I want a water like I'd.
Speaker 1 (33:49):
Be yeah, that's like that's all you can do. Like
water boy, I was two jugs go, but like after that,
like just smooth sailing through, It's never smooth sailing. Let's
be completely honest. If you're having a baby, or about
to have a baby right now, or just had a baby,
(34:10):
there is no such thing as smooth sailing, as smooth
as it can be because it's honestly, like I said,
your life will never be the same once it does.
Pop out of their screaming its fucking head off, and
some of them stop screaming, but others like just hadn't
stopped fucking screaming.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
Marley was was pretty good, like she was pretty quiet, Like, hey,
she was in her eyes open, she was quite alert.
I remember them saying, oh, she's quite she's quite alert
for it.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
Did they did you do the hearing test? And they
look like a DJ. After the two big things over
is there's like hearing's all fine, play.
Speaker 2 (34:49):
And then this may not come a surprise ash, But
I took my clothes off and when.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
Skin to skin you love taking your kid off?
Speaker 2 (34:56):
Yeah, like pants off.
Speaker 1 (34:57):
They're like, sir, not, there's not we meant my skin
to skin.
Speaker 2 (35:01):
I was shirt off about halfway through. I was, I
was prepared. I was greased up in the corner. Get
me this.
Speaker 1 (35:08):
Baby ready to wrestle, Let's go.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
My mum was in the room as well, which was
quite nice. Clothes both just standing naked. We're ready. But
I remember when I first held Marley and I was like,
holy fuck, I am now a dad. You know this
moment I've been waiting for for nine months. And at
(35:33):
that moment, I had a little cry and I wasn't
like a blubbering mess, but I was just like the
rush of emotion is high, Like nothing a better.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
Experience, totally Yeah, And like I haven't held a lot
of babies when before that that's a lie.
Speaker 2 (35:48):
You would you would go around the playground. Does he
want a little want more?
Speaker 1 (35:54):
Honestly, I was like, can I put it down now?
Because I was I was just like, surely he's uncomfortable.
I wasn't fit, you know how, like you gotta be
like occupationally fit for it. I was like, it's getting
kind of heavy.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
But I was also fucking petrified because yeah, yeah, delicate at.
Speaker 1 (36:11):
The same time, yeah, yeah that Like I had my
mother in law and my father in law there, like thankfully,
they were like that's you know, and I was like,
shake it up, got c Yeah. At the same time,
I was just like, so hadn't slept either, because I
was next to April the whole time. Yeah, look, it's
a whole it's an ordeal.
Speaker 2 (36:29):
And then the reality of parenting.
Speaker 1 (36:32):
Sinks right in when you when you're driving home at
forty k is an hour, like.
Speaker 2 (36:37):
Is it okay? Still breathing, isn't there?
Speaker 1 (36:39):
Yeah, it's still good. The first time they have a
decent sleep and you're like, is he dead? Yeah, and
you've got to go in there and finger under the
I was just opening up and that you're like, fuck,
well that's a good story, mathey. But let's let's move
on into my favorite segment, Tell Me Lies.
Speaker 2 (37:01):
Tell me Ash. As always, we dive deep into the
DM's open you be go on, go on, and we
select the best lies that are submitted by the dorting,
moms and dads of social media. We get many, many
(37:21):
lies we do.
Speaker 1 (37:22):
We get a lot of really good lies. We're helping
each other out.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
Unfortunately, only time for two ash your best one? What
do you got?
Speaker 1 (37:28):
Yes, my best one this week? And I can't believe
we haven't said this one. It's on the list of
lies that we've received. We keep a list and just
chog my memory about something I do as well. So
this one says, when you're at the shop, obviously you
say all the toys at the shop are display only.
It's very good. We all know what that's like. You're like, ah, now,
(37:50):
sometimes you just buy and one to shut them the
fuck up off the back of this. What we do
with Oscar is and I did make a video about
this a while ago, is when we go to the show,
because they're display only, we take a photo of Oscar
holding the toy so he can look back at it
later when it comes to when it comes to his
(38:11):
birthday or Christmas, and it says like, okay, just to
remind us what he really really liked.
Speaker 2 (38:18):
Brilliant.
Speaker 1 (38:19):
There you go, brilliant, so that you know they say,
there's no advice here. Take that one and run with it. Matthew,
that's all yours. What have you brought for us today?
I think that's a great lie in general. But there's
extensions of that lie.
Speaker 2 (38:33):
Okay, Ash This one comes from Jessica. She has submitted
this one on the two dotting Dad's Instagram page, which
is the best way to give us your lines if
you had it read out on the podcast, which I'm
sure it would be the highlight of one's weak ash Oh.
Speaker 1 (38:49):
And call to action, go and follow it. Please. If
you're not following it, go and follow it.
Speaker 2 (38:55):
Jump aboard. But Jessica says, I tell my daughter the
small car the merry go rounds at the show popping
centers only work on your birthday. So she is now
two and a half and will run up to the
kids who's playing on them and say that's great. The
parents always look at her with a very weird, strange
(39:16):
look on their face.
Speaker 1 (39:18):
Look, that's really good, that's clever, and what a lovely daughter.
You're also making people's day as well, because they think
they're like, it's my birthday, that's great, it's my birthday,
and the other.
Speaker 2 (39:29):
Parents are like, oh god, no, it's not your birthday to.
Speaker 1 (39:31):
Me there with Oskar, I'm like, look that's clever because
look those things are spending four bucks ago.
Speaker 2 (39:39):
Inflation hitting hard and do you.
Speaker 1 (39:41):
Know crafty motherfuckers too. They've put the little payWave on there.
When they were coins, you could easily be like, sorry, sorry, bud,
don't have any coins because daddy's poor. Now it's just like, look,
they know they know what it is.
Speaker 2 (39:54):
Because give me your phone, give it.
Speaker 1 (39:58):
And like Oscar knows how to use my phone. You
know it's my past. Cote.
Speaker 2 (40:02):
You say that kids aren't smart, they fucking they know
what's going on. You know what's going on. Hey, let's
answer some listener questions.
Speaker 1 (40:09):
Ashton, Yes, Matthew, how do you stop your toddler getting
up at the crack of dawn?
Speaker 2 (40:16):
Yes, very good question. Two things that I do, ash
One is I put them to bed quite late, keep
them up to midnight.
Speaker 1 (40:26):
I keep them up till four am, and like sleep
this one off.
Speaker 2 (40:32):
Sometimes I go to bed at eight o'clock and they
sleep until seven. It's fucking great.
Speaker 1 (40:36):
Seven's good.
Speaker 2 (40:37):
Seven's the dream.
Speaker 1 (40:38):
Seven is good. I just was thinking, like last night,
how good would it be to get like twelve thirteen
hours to sleep. They don't know how good they got it, dude.
Speaker 2 (40:46):
Well, when we were away, I think it was maybe
it was the morning that we left and I had
to leave here at like five point thirty to get
to the airport. Laura messaged me and said, the kids
will slept into like seven forty five.
Speaker 1 (40:57):
Oh yeah, how good.
Speaker 2 (40:59):
Yeah. One thing that I've started to do, which long
term is a fucking nightmare, but short term it's great.
Speaker 1 (41:07):
I laid on me.
Speaker 2 (41:08):
I've started, and it's Lord will be so disappointed in me.
I've started giving What if it's quite early, say it's
like the annoying window is between five to six, because
it's probably too late for them to go back to sleep.
But you don't want to get up at five o'clock. See, like,
what can I give them? I will give them a
(41:29):
baby bottle? So Marley's four, I'll give her a bottle
of milk and a baby bottle in bed.
Speaker 1 (41:34):
Instead, we should take them back to sleep, not always
which is quiet. Yeah, just it gives me My kids
have a bottle every morning, both of them together. That
it's like a bonding thing like that. I will get
them up the coming to bed with us and have
a bottle and then we'll all just sit there. It's
quite nice.
Speaker 2 (41:49):
I know some people. I remember at the age of two,
another parent was like, your children are still on bottles.
Speaker 1 (41:55):
And I was like, judgmental, this is a no judge area,
going to judge whatever's easiest for you.
Speaker 2 (42:02):
Parents told me that the child works up at five
o'clock and they give them a beer to get to
go back to sleep. I get it, part of least
resistances a lot. But now Marley's back on. So I
have to have to say to Marley, I don't.
Speaker 1 (42:16):
Don't tell mom.
Speaker 2 (42:16):
Don't tell mom, which shouldn't do that. Secrets are bad.
But then so Marley will come to me and she's like, hey, Dad,
give me a bottle. But it's it's like four in
the afternoon. It's not going to happen.
Speaker 1 (42:29):
We've changed, like our school have oat milk and it's
a really good way. Fuck, I'm full against today.
Speaker 2 (42:34):
You belong in the Eastern suburbs. Mate, giving your fucking
kids intolerance, Ah is siliac as well, fucking a glutton.
Speaker 1 (42:44):
Here's a handy hint, Matthew. It's a really good way
to get your kids to drink water as you put
a bit of milk in, heat it up for thirty seconds,
then you cool it down a bit, with the rest
of it being water. Yes, bam, hydrated.
Speaker 2 (42:58):
I feel like everyone does that.
Speaker 1 (42:59):
Oh okay, well so fuck myself.
Speaker 2 (43:03):
What you're telling me is effectively just like, hey, it's
a thing called a dummy.
Speaker 1 (43:07):
There's a thing called like general knowledge no shit, Ash, Yeah, okay, right,
next question.
Speaker 2 (43:14):
What surprised you the most about becoming a parent? Ash?
Speaker 1 (43:18):
Hmmm, I'm surprised that I went thirty years without using wipes?
What do you mean, like, I can't live without them?
I think we've been over this before, but I just
want to stress I love wipes. It's the best thing
about having kids. They are one of them, and I'm
surprised how did I live without them? Not wiping on
(43:39):
my anus, which which I know you're assuming what I mean, Well,
I use.
Speaker 2 (43:43):
Them sometimes sometimes if it's a it's.
Speaker 1 (43:46):
A treat, I use it. Like with food, I'm like,
I got a burrito here, I'm like, where are your
wipes them?
Speaker 2 (43:56):
I have to make sure that when you come over
to record that we have enough wipes.
Speaker 1 (44:00):
All that you've got like one of those enormously.
Speaker 2 (44:02):
This is for the kids.
Speaker 1 (44:04):
Don't touch these wipes. These are for Uncle Ash.
Speaker 2 (44:07):
It's super sad, but also it's quite handy as well.
If the benchtop's quite messy, little chiky white.
Speaker 1 (44:15):
I wipe the floor with it yesterday. Man, I'll wipe
anything with it. I'll wash the car with them. This
is I'm just out there.
Speaker 2 (44:26):
They are bloody great.
Speaker 1 (44:27):
They are great. They are great anyway, so I'm surprised
I've got through my whole life before having kids. So
I've got them to thank them for that.
Speaker 2 (44:36):
I guess for me, it's just how much of a.
Speaker 1 (44:40):
Loser you are.
Speaker 2 (44:42):
Emotional, I now crime more than ever.
Speaker 1 (44:46):
Look, no one wants to hear that. That's all we
got time for.
Speaker 2 (44:48):
Okay, Well, thanks much.
Speaker 1 (44:50):
Remember to if you like this episode, please go leave
a review, leave a review, subscribe, jump on our Instagram.
Speaker 2 (44:57):
If you aren't going to give us a review, and
you're going to drop in and give us five stars.
I love it so much reading the reviews. Yeah that
it makes my week. And when I see someone's left
a review as a number of stars and not written anything.
Speaker 1 (45:12):
It's worthless. It's not. It's such a tease and make
sure you follow a long hour Instagram because we do
some giveaways here or there. We've got some stuff coming
up back end of the year. Of course, Father's.
Speaker 2 (45:22):
Day always coming up, is coming up, so jump on.
And if you know a parent out there or maybe
could be to someone's having a shit day and they
don't have kids, they're probably going to be like, why
are you sending me a parenting podcast?
Speaker 1 (45:35):
Afterwards they'll feel better about not having kids.
Speaker 2 (45:38):
If you know a parent out there who's doing it tough,
needs to laugh and they want to hear two dads
talk about how bad they are at parenting, send them this.
That's why we are here and Ash, I think we
should pack up and get.
Speaker 1 (45:52):
Out of here. So you guy than.
Speaker 2 (46:01):
Two Doting Dads. Podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country
throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community.
Speaker 1 (46:09):
We pay our respects to their elders past and present
and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torrestrate islander
peoples today. This episode was recorded on gadagal Land
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