May 6, 2025 • 12 mins
In this episode, we explore how traditional discipline methods can backfire in high-conflict divorce situations and how understanding intergenerational trauma can shift parenting approaches. Inspired by the Family Separation Clinic and Karen Woodall, we focus on awareness, healing, and growth.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
The content of this podcast is
for informational purposes only
and is not intended to be
legal or therapeutic advice.
Week, I received an email newsletter
from the Family Separation Clinic
Karen Woodall, the Lighthouse Parent
Newsletter and there was an issue
that was raised in there that I
(00:20):
found particularly inspiring, and
that is that children who are in a
splitting state are often hyper
vigilant and that traditional
discipline can backfire.
And therefore it's essential
(00:41):
not to be too reactive, but to focus
on what might be going on
with the child's behavior.
And because the Family Separation
Clinic is focused on parents that
are concerned or experiencing parental
alienation or even complete rejection,
(01:02):
this is particularly relevant and.
I went through a divorce as a child,
so I knew the pains of it and I
wanted to make sure that my
children never experienced that.
Sometimes things just don't
work out the way you hope.
And as a parent in a high conflict
(01:23):
divorce, I tried super hard
to do everything I could
to be the best parent I could.
Take parenting classes, join
mom school groups, read books,
do therapy, did everything I
thought I could possibly do.
Also in court as an attorney.
I never saw a parenting plan that
(01:46):
didn't include that the parents would
do a co parenting course so that is
another thing that you would think oh
the parents do the co parenting course
that's going to help and in healthy
situations it does but in a high
conflict situation frequently the
parent never completed it or never
(02:06):
turned their certificate in so they
just didn't feel that it was necessary
or maybe they were above it.
So I, I think it's important yes to do
that work but to also know that you
can only control yourself and do the
best you can because you can't control
(02:26):
what the other parent is going to do
so you need to take it to a higher
level and be the absolute best that
you can.
So on the topic of traditional
discipline I stopped and I thought
about what was it how was I
disciplined and basically it was
(02:48):
whippings with a belt when I was
young and that was occasional but it
was always a threat and.
Also groundings or some other
punishment, taking something away.
And this is, of course, traditional.
And I think it's important, parents,
(03:08):
to pause here, even pause the
recording for a moment, think about
how you were parented, how was your
former spouse parented, how were
your parents parented, and how is
that carrying over into how you're
parenting today?
(03:29):
I love the line in that newsletter
where it said, discipline is teaching.
It's not punishment.
And I'm grateful that parenting
resources, books, people like Dr.
(03:50):
Becky of today are more evolved
than they were in the past.
And I think that's an important
thing to recognize and to
utilize all the resources you can.
But also to look backward.
What were the tools or what were
the common things that were done
(04:11):
when you were growing up?
And how can.
Transcend this.
And sometimes this even goes into
as far as being part of a family
inter generational trauma.
In my work with the Child Abuse
Prevention Council, we often saw that
different cultures were raised to
(04:36):
have a paddle or a whip or something.
And so it's important in Child
Welfare and Child Abuse Prevention
Council do outreach and education
for parents that, yeah, these things
might have been culturally
acceptable when you were growing up,
but they are no longer acceptable,
and child welfare services wouldn't
(04:57):
tolerate them either.
So let's take an example
of a discipline situation.
Let's say one child has
hit or kicked a sibling.
Instead of just automatically sending
them to timeout, maybe take a few deep
breaths and think, is this something
that has been modeled for them?
(05:18):
Are they frustrated?
What's going on with them?
Instead of being reactive and just
automatically sending them to timeout
or giving them a punishment or really
trying to understand what it is that's
going on with them, are they swearing?
Does their other parents swear?
(05:39):
Or have you been swearing
in front of them?
And does this mean that you need
to have a discussion about it and say,
we got to call it out on all of us,
we can't do this anymore?
Some kids have had issues with
acting out at school and the school
may even refer them into
(06:01):
a peer group for behavior improvement
or something, but they're not looking
at the home environment.
So one of the places where I
volunteered it was called Tahoe
Safe alliance at the time.
It's now called Sierra Community House.
The outreach counselors that went
into the schools and taught kids
about our appropriate behaviors at
(06:23):
age appropriate level curriculums
had awe moments with teens that
the teens realized, oh my gosh,
the environment in my home is not
okay.
It's violent and it's not acceptable
in what dad is doing
and saying to mom is not okay.
(06:44):
Or that what mom is doing as
far as drinking and then
neglecting us is not okay.
So if a program is just addressing a
behavior, something that a kid is
doing and acting out, and they're not
digging deep into what's going on in
the home environment, what's going on
(07:05):
for this child, it's not going to
work.
It's just a band aid.
And unfortunately, if you're
parenting in that way where you're
just dealing with the behavior and
not the underlying issue, then it's
going to backfire, just like what
Karen Woodall is describing in her
(07:27):
newsletter.
So this kind of plays into
things I've spoke about in
prior episodes, and that would be
breaking the intergenerational
cycle, the trauma.
So just because something happened
to you and you've seen it happen
to your kids doesn't mean it needs
to happen for your grandkids.
(07:48):
You can correct it, you can get
the resources, you can work on it,
and you can help and guide
and understand your child's emotions
and correct and steer the behaviors.
Most parents tend to parent
the way they were parented unless they
say, whoa, this is something
(08:10):
I really need to work on.
And they make a conscious
effort and a plan
to shift and to do things differently.
And it's often difficult to do that,
especially if you're in a high
conflict situation and you're in
survival mode or you're just in the
midst of the divorce and you don't
(08:31):
know where you're going to live, or
you don't have a job or you don't
have income.
All these things play into your stress
level and they can make it so that
you're not showing up in the best
place possible for your kids.
So always remember,
that's the priority.
Take the deep breaths and seek
(08:51):
to understand what is
really going on for them.
So some actionable tools that
may help with this I love Dr.
Becky.
You've heard me say it before.
Subscribe to her podcast
and follow her on Instagram.
She's got some great little pointers.
Get some books, maybe reach out to
(09:12):
different nonprofits in the area.
See what parenting plans are available.
Complete any parenting plans that are
court ordered by the court for sure.
And what else can you do?
You could learn about your kids, ACE
score and traumas and see what you can
do to help them and smooth that out.
(09:33):
Think about your own.
I mentioned those
in earlier things too.
You can work to be the cycle
breaker for your child.
So navigating this in the environment
of parental alienation just adds even
more to your challenges.
One of the things that is really
(09:55):
important to do, of course, is use
the parenting app and document all
your challenges and your thoughts.
But of course, avoid.
Doing any behaviors that are similar
to what the alienating parent is doing
and just be consistent and loving
and seek to understand and validate
(10:16):
your child's emotions and feelings.
And understand the conflict
and the loyalty conflict that
they might be experiencing.
Look to the environment
that they are surviving in.
Are they thriving?
What can you do to help them
thrive, to know and adjust?
(10:37):
Takeaways Tools Resources
for today, I strongly recommend
subscribing to the Family
Separation Clinic newsletter.
Register at School of Custody
and you will get our
Alienating Behaviors booklet.
And make sure that you're
not doing any of those.
Make sure that you're well aware
of what they are and that you're
(10:58):
documenting it in a parenting app.
Complete your parenting classes,
and even if they don't seem
worthwhile and it's a high
conflict situation, you could
gain one nugget from a parenting
class that would make a
difference for your child.
Practice.
Modeling emotional regulation
(11:19):
for yourself by breathing before you
react and do everything you can.
To seek good parenting advice
that resonates with you.
Consider divorce coaching or therapy
for quality support.
Remember what the Family
(11:42):
Separation Clinic said?
Discipline is teaching, not control.
So look at each.
Need for discipline as an opportunity
to teach, to nurture emotions,
and for you and your child to grow.
(12:03):
And remember, you're not alone.
There's support and there's hope.
Listeners, please share and subscribe
and leave comments or questions
or suggestions for future episodes.
Thank you and have a great day.
The content of this podcast is
for informational purposes only
and is not intended to be
legal or therapeutic advice.
Week, I received an email newsletter
from the Family Separation Clinic
Karen Woodall, the Lighthouse Parent
Newsletter and there was an issue
that was raised in there that I
(00:20):
found particularly inspiring, and
that is that children who are in a
splitting state are often hyper
vigilant and that traditional
discipline can backfire.
And therefore it's essential
(00:41):
not to be too reactive, but to focus
on what might be going on
with the child's behavior.
And because the Family Separation
Clinic is focused on parents that
are concerned or experiencing parental
alienation or even complete rejection,
(01:02):
this is particularly relevant and.
I went through a divorce as a child,
so I knew the pains of it and I
wanted to make sure that my
children never experienced that.
Sometimes things just don't
work out the way you hope.
And as a parent in a high conflict
(01:23):
divorce, I tried super hard
to do everything I could
to be the best parent I could.
Take parenting classes, join
mom school groups, read books,
do therapy, did everything I
thought I could possibly do.
Also in court as an attorney.
I never saw a parenting plan that
(01:46):
didn't include that the parents would
do a co parenting course so that is
another thing that you would think oh
the parents do the co parenting course
that's going to help and in healthy
situations it does but in a high
conflict situation frequently the
parent never completed it or never
(02:06):
turned their certificate in so they
just didn't feel that it was necessary
or maybe they were above it.
So I, I think it's important yes to do
that work but to also know that you
can only control yourself and do the
best you can because you can't control
(02:26):
what the other parent is going to do
so you need to take it to a higher
level and be the absolute best that
you can.
So on the topic of traditional
discipline I stopped and I thought
about what was it how was I
disciplined and basically it was
(02:48):
whippings with a belt when I was
young and that was occasional but it
was always a threat and.
Also groundings or some other
punishment, taking something away.
And this is, of course, traditional.
And I think it's important, parents,
(03:08):
to pause here, even pause the
recording for a moment, think about
how you were parented, how was your
former spouse parented, how were
your parents parented, and how is
that carrying over into how you're
parenting today?
(03:29):
I love the line in that newsletter
where it said, discipline is teaching.
It's not punishment.
And I'm grateful that parenting
resources, books, people like Dr.
(03:50):
Becky of today are more evolved
than they were in the past.
And I think that's an important
thing to recognize and to
utilize all the resources you can.
But also to look backward.
What were the tools or what were
the common things that were done
(04:11):
when you were growing up?
And how can.
Transcend this.
And sometimes this even goes into
as far as being part of a family
inter generational trauma.
In my work with the Child Abuse
Prevention Council, we often saw that
different cultures were raised to
(04:36):
have a paddle or a whip or something.
And so it's important in Child
Welfare and Child Abuse Prevention
Council do outreach and education
for parents that, yeah, these things
might have been culturally
acceptable when you were growing up,
but they are no longer acceptable,
and child welfare services wouldn't
(04:57):
tolerate them either.
So let's take an example
of a discipline situation.
Let's say one child has
hit or kicked a sibling.
Instead of just automatically sending
them to timeout, maybe take a few deep
breaths and think, is this something
that has been modeled for them?
(05:18):
Are they frustrated?
What's going on with them?
Instead of being reactive and just
automatically sending them to timeout
or giving them a punishment or really
trying to understand what it is that's
going on with them, are they swearing?
Does their other parents swear?
(05:39):
Or have you been swearing
in front of them?
And does this mean that you need
to have a discussion about it and say,
we got to call it out on all of us,
we can't do this anymore?
Some kids have had issues with
acting out at school and the school
may even refer them into
(06:01):
a peer group for behavior improvement
or something, but they're not looking
at the home environment.
So one of the places where I
volunteered it was called Tahoe
Safe alliance at the time.
It's now called Sierra Community House.
The outreach counselors that went
into the schools and taught kids
about our appropriate behaviors at
(06:23):
age appropriate level curriculums
had awe moments with teens that
the teens realized, oh my gosh,
the environment in my home is not
okay.
It's violent and it's not acceptable
in what dad is doing
and saying to mom is not okay.
(06:44):
Or that what mom is doing as
far as drinking and then
neglecting us is not okay.
So if a program is just addressing a
behavior, something that a kid is
doing and acting out, and they're not
digging deep into what's going on in
the home environment, what's going on
(07:05):
for this child, it's not going to
work.
It's just a band aid.
And unfortunately, if you're
parenting in that way where you're
just dealing with the behavior and
not the underlying issue, then it's
going to backfire, just like what
Karen Woodall is describing in her
(07:27):
newsletter.
So this kind of plays into
things I've spoke about in
prior episodes, and that would be
breaking the intergenerational
cycle, the trauma.
So just because something happened
to you and you've seen it happen
to your kids doesn't mean it needs
to happen for your grandkids.
(07:48):
You can correct it, you can get
the resources, you can work on it,
and you can help and guide
and understand your child's emotions
and correct and steer the behaviors.
Most parents tend to parent
the way they were parented unless they
say, whoa, this is something
(08:10):
I really need to work on.
And they make a conscious
effort and a plan
to shift and to do things differently.
And it's often difficult to do that,
especially if you're in a high
conflict situation and you're in
survival mode or you're just in the
midst of the divorce and you don't
(08:31):
know where you're going to live, or
you don't have a job or you don't
have income.
All these things play into your stress
level and they can make it so that
you're not showing up in the best
place possible for your kids.
So always remember,
that's the priority.
Take the deep breaths and seek
(08:51):
to understand what is
really going on for them.
So some actionable tools that
may help with this I love Dr.
Becky.
You've heard me say it before.
Subscribe to her podcast
and follow her on Instagram.
She's got some great little pointers.
Get some books, maybe reach out to
(09:12):
different nonprofits in the area.
See what parenting plans are available.
Complete any parenting plans that are
court ordered by the court for sure.
And what else can you do?
You could learn about your kids, ACE
score and traumas and see what you can
do to help them and smooth that out.
(09:33):
Think about your own.
I mentioned those
in earlier things too.
You can work to be the cycle
breaker for your child.
So navigating this in the environment
of parental alienation just adds even
more to your challenges.
One of the things that is really
(09:55):
important to do, of course, is use
the parenting app and document all
your challenges and your thoughts.
But of course, avoid.
Doing any behaviors that are similar
to what the alienating parent is doing
and just be consistent and loving
and seek to understand and validate
(10:16):
your child's emotions and feelings.
And understand the conflict
and the loyalty conflict that
they might be experiencing.
Look to the environment
that they are surviving in.
Are they thriving?
What can you do to help them
thrive, to know and adjust?
(10:37):
Takeaways Tools Resources
for today, I strongly recommend
subscribing to the Family
Separation Clinic newsletter.
Register at School of Custody
and you will get our
Alienating Behaviors booklet.
And make sure that you're
not doing any of those.
Make sure that you're well aware
of what they are and that you're
(10:58):
documenting it in a parenting app.
Complete your parenting classes,
and even if they don't seem
worthwhile and it's a high
conflict situation, you could
gain one nugget from a parenting
class that would make a
difference for your child.
Practice.
Modeling emotional regulation
(11:19):
for yourself by breathing before you
react and do everything you can.
To seek good parenting advice
that resonates with you.
Consider divorce coaching or therapy
for quality support.
Remember what the Family
(11:42):
Separation Clinic said?
Discipline is teaching, not control.
So look at each.
Need for discipline as an opportunity
to teach, to nurture emotions,
and for you and your child to grow.
(12:03):
And remember, you're not alone.
There's support and there's hope.
Listeners, please share and subscribe
and leave comments or questions
or suggestions for future episodes.
Thank you and have a great day.
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