April 19, 2025 • 14 mins
In this episode, we dive into the intersection of mental health and divorce—how diagnoses can be weaponized, the risks of untreated issues, and the emotional toll on both parents and kids. Learn about parentification, emotional regulation, and creating safe spaces for children. This is awareness, not advice—always consult a professional. #DivorceSupport #MentalHealthAwareness
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
The content of this podcast is
for informational purposes only and is not
intended to be legal or therapeutic advice.
Parents.
We are going to review today different
ways that mental health issues come
up during a divorce and then what a court
might do to address the issues.
(00:22):
This is just touching on the surface
of each of these issues.
It may require in depth discussions
with a therapist, family law
attorney and or a divorce coach.
The first one would be a parent weaponizing
(00:43):
a mental health diagnosis of the child and
using that to gain an upper hand in how
they're going to address it in their
parenting, or using the former spouse's
mental health diagnosis to get an upper
(01:06):
hand in the custody.
Sometimes a parent
will undermine the professional opinions
of the professionals that
are treating the family.
And this might look like them denying the
opinion of a therapist or psychiatrist,
maybe even one that diagnosed them with
(01:28):
some mental disorders that needed to be
addressed, because it doesn't align with
their agenda.
And this can also happen where they're
projecting things onto the children.
And maybe the therap did or did not
make a diagnosis, but the parent is going to
(01:49):
contradict what the professional is saying
because it doesn't align with their agenda.
Sometimes a parent uses therapy
as a surveillance.
They might force a child into therapy
not for the purpose of healing the
pains or the traumas of the divorce or
some other issue that the child is
(02:10):
dealing with, but a matter to get a
report back or to provide leverage in
a conflict.
Sometimes parents actually
diagnose the other parent not in correlation
with what a professional is doing,
but they make their own diagnosis.
(02:32):
For instance, a parent might say, oh,
the other parent is a narcissist,
or the other parent is borderline
personality disorder.
The other parent has bipolar disorder.
The other parent is schizophrenic.
The other parent has a substance abuse issue.
(02:53):
They make all these claims and then they
assert that the other parent is unfit.
And it's important, yes, you do need to
raise issues that relevant and true,
but they need to be evaluated and
supported with examples and real facts
(03:13):
in order to have an impact on the
parenting.
So this is an area that really requires
thorough examination
by therapists, attorneys,
and a proper diagnosis should be made.
A parent should not be
diagnosing the other parent.
(03:34):
That's a job for the professionals.
Sometimes a parent has a mental health issue
and they hide it,
or they refuse to get support or help
because they don't want the stigma.
Maybe they're in a position where they
would lose their job if they sought
(03:55):
mental health services, such as a pilot
or a police officer or something like that.
So it's really important that if a parent
is avoiding therapy or medication
because of cultural stigma or profession,
(04:15):
they're teaching the child to do the same.
But they're also putting the child at risk
because of their undiagnosed and untreated.
Here's one that comes up frequently that Dr.
Becky brings up, and that's a lack
of emotional regulation.
People tend to parent the same
(04:36):
way they were parented.
So if their parents didn't show them how to
regulate their emotions,
they're not likely to do the same.
They may not be exhibiting healthy ways
of coping with their children.
And this can be something as simple as taking
a deep breath, walking away and coming back
to a tense situation in a little bit.
(05:00):
These are examples that Dr.
Becke gives lots of great ideas on.
Another is when children are becoming
a caretaker of their parent.
Sometimes this is in a parental alienation
situation where the child knows that the
(05:21):
parent will be displeased if they love
the other parent and so they reject one
parent to gain the love of the other
parent.
And this is basically like caregiving
the other parents emotional well being.
And this also applies to things like a parent
(05:44):
having an alcohol or substance abuse issue.
Kids take on the burden
of managing that parent's issues.
This is called parentification,
and it is often unseen and people
don't even know it's happening.
(06:05):
A lot of times kids don't realize
it happens until they're in their
adulthood, so it's very damaging.
Another area might be where a parent is
misusing a mental health label
and using it as an identity for their child.
Oh well, Billy has ADHD and that's
(06:29):
why he behaves this way.
And the parent goes around telling everybody,
making excuses, and maybe it's a legitimate
diagnosis, but is this really something
that has to be shared in that manner?
And, and it becomes an identifying
characteristic for the child
and it is very limiting.
(06:49):
And so is that a healthy environment?
And what is the other parent saying or doing
to address the issue?
Another one that's a very deep
and complicated issue is a parent failing
to provide a safe emotional environment.
They don't give the kids the ability
(07:09):
to express their emotions or to feel heard.
And this can happen
frequently during a divorce.
Maybe the parent doesn't provide a safe
emotional vessel for the child or there's
been some abuse, neglect or maltreatment.
(07:30):
Maybe they're putting the child down.
Maybe the parent is not affectionate
with the child and doesn't provide support
or address their emotional
distress when things come up.
So this would be an inconsistent emotional
response on the part of the parent.
(07:52):
And emotionally dysregulated parents
often respond unpredictably.
And sometimes it's just overwhelming
for the children, and sometimes
the parent is just overreacting.
And this confuses the child
about emotional boundaries.
And they're basically feeling like they're
(08:13):
walking around on eggshells all the time.
This frequently occurs when a person has
been a victim of domestic violence,
narcissistic abuse, or emotional abuse.
Another thing that parents can
do is emotional invalidation.
And an example of this might be
(08:34):
parents that are just too overwhelmed.
And they'll say to the child, you're
too sensitive, or stop crying,
it's no big deal, or just be
quiet, I can't handle it right now.
And this leads the child to believe that
their emotions are unsafe or bad and that
they need to suppress their emotions.
(08:55):
They're not teaching the child
emotional validation.
I love some of Dr.
Becky's podcast where she teaches
children how to manage their feelings
and identify their feelings.
Take a look at that.
Look around for other experts
(09:17):
that resonate with you and see
what you can do in this area.
When a parent is living in a chronic
stress environment, the child is living
in it too, because the parent
frequently loses control and can't create
an environment that's free of tension.
(09:38):
And this puts everybody on a state
of heightened alert and it their brain
development and emotional regulation, and it
could lead to mental health issues later.
And unfortunately, this chronic stress
environment is frequently caused
by the divorce or the economic
(10:03):
conditions that a family is dealing with.
So if they didn't have some of the economic
stresses and they were going
through a divorce, it may lead to a better
mental outcome for the family.
Conflicts and issues where a parent is hiding
or denying their own mental health issues.
(10:26):
Let's say one parent is schizophrenic or
bipolar and they're on medication,
but they hide it from anybody and everybody,
maybe even their spouse.
And by not knowing, then the family members
aren't taught tolerance or how
(10:50):
to help out somebody that is dealing
with a mental health issue or crisis.
And this can be a real source of confidence.
Another issue that frequently comes
up is factitious disorder, where a parent
creates an issue for the child.
(11:11):
And sometimes this is done to control the
outcome of the custody that they're the
only parent that can help this child that
has Asperger's or ADHD or diabetic, is
diabetic, that the other parent is not
competent or diligent enough to address
the issues.
(11:32):
So we all need to educate ourselves about
these issues and work to eliminate stigma.
So in summary, mental health issues
relating to custody is
a very complex and important topic.
(11:53):
Involve professionals that
know what they're doing.
If you have mental health issues,
address them and take
the required and suggested actions.
If you're on the flip side of that and you've
been majorly traumatized by your
(12:14):
former partner or spouse's issues, get
the help that you need to recover from that.
It's very important.
If you're so stressed with work and providing
for your children that you're not meeting
the emotional needs of your children, see
what relatives or friends are available to
(12:39):
help you so that you can carve out time to
spend time with your children and address
their needs.
So in summary, mental health issues
as far as custody goes, is a very
complex and very important topic.
Please work with professionals that
(13:00):
know and understand the impact
on the family dynamics for this.
If you do have a mental health issue,
be sure to address it.
Use the medication and take the suggested
actions by your professional.
If you're on the flip side of that and you've
been majorly traumatized, you're stressed,
(13:20):
and you're not meeting the emotional needs
of your children, then reach out for help.
Work with nonprofits.
Ask family or friends if
they can help you out.
Is there anything you can do changing your
lifestyle so that you work less so that
you can be available to spend time with
(13:40):
your children because they may be in a
very needy spot while they're going
through the divorce and the trauma in the
transition?
I wish everybody the best.
I know it's a difficult time.
Seek help from a qualified therapist.
Talk to a divorce coach.
Read books.
Educate yourself in every way you can.
(14:04):
Get help by preparing documents, gathering
evidence, and completing all your paperwork.
Be prepared, but also focus
on healing and moving forward.
Remember, all the work you need to do
is done because you love your children
and you want what's best for them.
(14:26):
I wish you the best.
The content of this podcast is
for informational purposes only and is not
intended to be legal or therapeutic advice.
Parents.
We are going to review today different
ways that mental health issues come
up during a divorce and then what a court
might do to address the issues.
(00:22):
This is just touching on the surface
of each of these issues.
It may require in depth discussions
with a therapist, family law
attorney and or a divorce coach.
The first one would be a parent weaponizing
(00:43):
a mental health diagnosis of the child and
using that to gain an upper hand in how
they're going to address it in their
parenting, or using the former spouse's
mental health diagnosis to get an upper
(01:06):
hand in the custody.
Sometimes a parent
will undermine the professional opinions
of the professionals that
are treating the family.
And this might look like them denying the
opinion of a therapist or psychiatrist,
maybe even one that diagnosed them with
(01:28):
some mental disorders that needed to be
addressed, because it doesn't align with
their agenda.
And this can also happen where they're
projecting things onto the children.
And maybe the therap did or did not
make a diagnosis, but the parent is going to
(01:49):
contradict what the professional is saying
because it doesn't align with their agenda.
Sometimes a parent uses therapy
as a surveillance.
They might force a child into therapy
not for the purpose of healing the
pains or the traumas of the divorce or
some other issue that the child is
(02:10):
dealing with, but a matter to get a
report back or to provide leverage in
a conflict.
Sometimes parents actually
diagnose the other parent not in correlation
with what a professional is doing,
but they make their own diagnosis.
(02:32):
For instance, a parent might say, oh,
the other parent is a narcissist,
or the other parent is borderline
personality disorder.
The other parent has bipolar disorder.
The other parent is schizophrenic.
The other parent has a substance abuse issue.
(02:53):
They make all these claims and then they
assert that the other parent is unfit.
And it's important, yes, you do need to
raise issues that relevant and true,
but they need to be evaluated and
supported with examples and real facts
(03:13):
in order to have an impact on the
parenting.
So this is an area that really requires
thorough examination
by therapists, attorneys,
and a proper diagnosis should be made.
A parent should not be
diagnosing the other parent.
(03:34):
That's a job for the professionals.
Sometimes a parent has a mental health issue
and they hide it,
or they refuse to get support or help
because they don't want the stigma.
Maybe they're in a position where they
would lose their job if they sought
(03:55):
mental health services, such as a pilot
or a police officer or something like that.
So it's really important that if a parent
is avoiding therapy or medication
because of cultural stigma or profession,
(04:15):
they're teaching the child to do the same.
But they're also putting the child at risk
because of their undiagnosed and untreated.
Here's one that comes up frequently that Dr.
Becky brings up, and that's a lack
of emotional regulation.
People tend to parent the same
(04:36):
way they were parented.
So if their parents didn't show them how to
regulate their emotions,
they're not likely to do the same.
They may not be exhibiting healthy ways
of coping with their children.
And this can be something as simple as taking
a deep breath, walking away and coming back
to a tense situation in a little bit.
(05:00):
These are examples that Dr.
Becke gives lots of great ideas on.
Another is when children are becoming
a caretaker of their parent.
Sometimes this is in a parental alienation
situation where the child knows that the
(05:21):
parent will be displeased if they love
the other parent and so they reject one
parent to gain the love of the other
parent.
And this is basically like caregiving
the other parents emotional well being.
And this also applies to things like a parent
(05:44):
having an alcohol or substance abuse issue.
Kids take on the burden
of managing that parent's issues.
This is called parentification,
and it is often unseen and people
don't even know it's happening.
(06:05):
A lot of times kids don't realize
it happens until they're in their
adulthood, so it's very damaging.
Another area might be where a parent is
misusing a mental health label
and using it as an identity for their child.
Oh well, Billy has ADHD and that's
(06:29):
why he behaves this way.
And the parent goes around telling everybody,
making excuses, and maybe it's a legitimate
diagnosis, but is this really something
that has to be shared in that manner?
And, and it becomes an identifying
characteristic for the child
and it is very limiting.
(06:49):
And so is that a healthy environment?
And what is the other parent saying or doing
to address the issue?
Another one that's a very deep
and complicated issue is a parent failing
to provide a safe emotional environment.
They don't give the kids the ability
(07:09):
to express their emotions or to feel heard.
And this can happen
frequently during a divorce.
Maybe the parent doesn't provide a safe
emotional vessel for the child or there's
been some abuse, neglect or maltreatment.
(07:30):
Maybe they're putting the child down.
Maybe the parent is not affectionate
with the child and doesn't provide support
or address their emotional
distress when things come up.
So this would be an inconsistent emotional
response on the part of the parent.
(07:52):
And emotionally dysregulated parents
often respond unpredictably.
And sometimes it's just overwhelming
for the children, and sometimes
the parent is just overreacting.
And this confuses the child
about emotional boundaries.
And they're basically feeling like they're
(08:13):
walking around on eggshells all the time.
This frequently occurs when a person has
been a victim of domestic violence,
narcissistic abuse, or emotional abuse.
Another thing that parents can
do is emotional invalidation.
And an example of this might be
(08:34):
parents that are just too overwhelmed.
And they'll say to the child, you're
too sensitive, or stop crying,
it's no big deal, or just be
quiet, I can't handle it right now.
And this leads the child to believe that
their emotions are unsafe or bad and that
they need to suppress their emotions.
(08:55):
They're not teaching the child
emotional validation.
I love some of Dr.
Becky's podcast where she teaches
children how to manage their feelings
and identify their feelings.
Take a look at that.
Look around for other experts
(09:17):
that resonate with you and see
what you can do in this area.
When a parent is living in a chronic
stress environment, the child is living
in it too, because the parent
frequently loses control and can't create
an environment that's free of tension.
(09:38):
And this puts everybody on a state
of heightened alert and it their brain
development and emotional regulation, and it
could lead to mental health issues later.
And unfortunately, this chronic stress
environment is frequently caused
by the divorce or the economic
(10:03):
conditions that a family is dealing with.
So if they didn't have some of the economic
stresses and they were going
through a divorce, it may lead to a better
mental outcome for the family.
Conflicts and issues where a parent is hiding
or denying their own mental health issues.
(10:26):
Let's say one parent is schizophrenic or
bipolar and they're on medication,
but they hide it from anybody and everybody,
maybe even their spouse.
And by not knowing, then the family members
aren't taught tolerance or how
(10:50):
to help out somebody that is dealing
with a mental health issue or crisis.
And this can be a real source of confidence.
Another issue that frequently comes
up is factitious disorder, where a parent
creates an issue for the child.
(11:11):
And sometimes this is done to control the
outcome of the custody that they're the
only parent that can help this child that
has Asperger's or ADHD or diabetic, is
diabetic, that the other parent is not
competent or diligent enough to address
the issues.
(11:32):
So we all need to educate ourselves about
these issues and work to eliminate stigma.
So in summary, mental health issues
relating to custody is
a very complex and important topic.
(11:53):
Involve professionals that
know what they're doing.
If you have mental health issues,
address them and take
the required and suggested actions.
If you're on the flip side of that and you've
been majorly traumatized by your
(12:14):
former partner or spouse's issues, get
the help that you need to recover from that.
It's very important.
If you're so stressed with work and providing
for your children that you're not meeting
the emotional needs of your children, see
what relatives or friends are available to
(12:39):
help you so that you can carve out time to
spend time with your children and address
their needs.
So in summary, mental health issues
as far as custody goes, is a very
complex and very important topic.
Please work with professionals that
(13:00):
know and understand the impact
on the family dynamics for this.
If you do have a mental health issue,
be sure to address it.
Use the medication and take the suggested
actions by your professional.
If you're on the flip side of that and you've
been majorly traumatized, you're stressed,
(13:20):
and you're not meeting the emotional needs
of your children, then reach out for help.
Work with nonprofits.
Ask family or friends if
they can help you out.
Is there anything you can do changing your
lifestyle so that you work less so that
you can be available to spend time with
(13:40):
your children because they may be in a
very needy spot while they're going
through the divorce and the trauma in the
transition?
I wish everybody the best.
I know it's a difficult time.
Seek help from a qualified therapist.
Talk to a divorce coach.
Read books.
Educate yourself in every way you can.
(14:04):
Get help by preparing documents, gathering
evidence, and completing all your paperwork.
Be prepared, but also focus
on healing and moving forward.
Remember, all the work you need to do
is done because you love your children
and you want what's best for them.
(14:26):
I wish you the best.
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