Cussler Hustlers
Two strangers, American and Canadian, go through EVERY Clive Cussler novel, from a (hopefully) modern progressive viewpoint. They also get off on tangents and talk about BETTER books, but there’s so much to love with these nerdy macho time capsules.
Episodes
We're back! It's time to blaze through a book that has no time for dilly-dallying. Pitt finds a capsule and then nearly dies several times before thinking "Hmmm, there might be something going on here." Who is the sexiest woman in the Pittverse? Who is the most dangerous woman in the Pittverse? Might they be the same person?! ONLY TIME WILL TELL! Also, speedos!
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PITT STOP #2 brings us teen heartthrob Peter Falk and the inimitable, world-famous, culture-defining Lieutenant Columbo. Nancy's Secret Boyfriend had a career spanning five decades of bringing down rich evildoers (so, of course, you know it's a work of fiction). Born the same year as Don Pendleton, which just goes to show you really could do anything you want back then, as long as you didn't die of war or tuberculosis. Twitter: h...
Our first PITT STOP episode is about the progenitor to Dirk Pitt, the divergent ancestor of Rambo, the grandfather of The Punisher, and one of the most-read Men's Novel series in history: Don Pendleton's MACK BOLAN. This tall, dark-haired, leathery-skinned, absurdly-skilled ex-military man who spends six hundred books killing everyone who dares threaten America. At leask Dirk has the good sense to wait until wacky adventures happen...
We did it! We made it! THE END OF NIGHT PROBE! Clive is making up for lost time with a finale that kills half the named characters and two-thirds of the NPCs. Dirk commits several acts of international terrorism, which is what heroes do. Heidi gets her happy ending. The world finally figures out what to do with Canada, and absolutely no copyright laws are violated.
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Pitt finishes killing everyone around him in Canadian waters, so he heads back to New York to kill some Yankees. More drunk, hairless sex. More side quests into weird history. A ghost attack and an impromptu bout of dinner theatre gives Dirk his final epiphany. Men would rather destroy democracy than go to therapy.
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Things are happening fast and furious now.... though since it's in Canada, we're still polite and travelling at a sensible speed. The NUMA team makes a lot of progress on the Empress of Ireland, until it blows up and everyone dies. Brian Shaw regrets working with Foss Gly, until he blows up and everyone dies. Honestly, Dirk Pitt should come with hazard labels. Also, Heidi makes coffee. Join us, won't you?
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The book is moving fast and furious now! Dirk beats up a high-ranking politician. Heidi has buyer's remorse. Robot suits fight underwater zombies. Giordino fights a ghost train. Brian Shaw is an anti-masker. Clive gets real thirsty about some boats, trains and automobiles. Perhaps most important, BOTH OUR MICROPHONES WORK PROPERLY! Hallelujah!
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MORE politics! MORE murder! MORE inappropriate sexytimes! Now with 90% less Dirk! North America is coming apart at the seams, and two extremely hairless men are doing everything they can to make things worse. However, it is the opinion of this show that if this book needs anything, it's more Foss Gly.
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It's doodlebug shenanigans time! Dirk taunts a hostile military superpower and gets his butt torpedoed, Sandecker extols the health virtues of smoking, Giordino mourns his heterosexual lifemate's passing, and then Quebec becomes even more powerful than you could possibly imagine. It just like me, fr fr.
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Due to continued problems with both microphones and brains, this is a slightly shorter episode. Everyone's playing silly buggers, the oil crisis gets worse, Canada is coming apart at the seams... so one of our villains decides to poke the biggest god damn schoolyard bully on the planet. I'm sure things will go well for him!
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Retired spies. Abusive archivists. Double agents. A squash game that might lead to armageddon. Clive is putting a LOT of pieces into play here, so much so that you might forget Canada even exists, all tucked away down there. Heidi gets some Top Secret Dirking, and then asks him for help with her homework.
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We're back, and we're starting a new Dirk Pitt novel, so you know what that means: time to talk about Amazon's Reacher! Which cohost has been held up at gunpoint? Which cohost hallucinates the weather? Which of the 17 named characters in the book's introduction are actually relevant? Find out all this, and less, on Cussler Hustlers!
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In the thrilling, gripping finale to this tale of false-flag international apocalyptic bioterrorism, Dirk gets ANOTHER concussion and wakes up just in time to remember that the hero is supposed to win. We introduce a couple new characters, get confused by the laws of thermodynamics, and almost cure racism!
Dirk wraps up his sexy, scandalous sex scandal just in time to get dumped, and he does the only sane thing: attacks a battleship with his face. Men would literally rather fight international terrorism with a concussion than go to therapy.
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Things are picking up speed! Dirty pictures are revealed. Revolutionary armies are destroyed. Battleships are renovated. Several people are shot. Cheese is eaten. It's everything you want in a holiday blockbuster! Topper still has Covid, Nancy apologizes to Ving Rhames from the bottom of her heart, and the new microphone is probably going to get the boot. Happy New Year!
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We picked a good time to slow down our production schedule, since the Topper household is all dying of the 'rona. In spite of all that, we muddle through Dirk discovering that he accidentally uncovered some doomsday weapons, the NSA admitting to planning for race-based doomsday scenarios, and then a quick break for some wild tiger sex in a completely not-suspicious shag pad. Dirk has needs, y'all.
A shorter episode this week, due to real life being VERY rude to our stupid little podcast. Someone gets stabbed in the head with an icepick, but fortunately that's barely even a flesh wound. Someone starts digging for a sex scandal, but fortunately no-one minds in the 80s. Some knows what's stored on the Vixen-03, but fortunately he's not concerned about it, despite it being THE END OF THE WORLD. How's that for a cliffhanger?
Italian Cruise Ships. Owl murders. Zoomer slang. Blippi. These are all the topics we turn to in order to avoid talking about this week's chapters. But we manage it, all the while reassuring eachother that it was a different time, and Clive probably meant well. Perhaps this week's most shocking revelation: both cohosts were raised on the same sanitized mythologizing series of pseudo-Christian children's books! Oh, and there's some t...
We finish up Dirk's initial investigation into underwater nuclear shenanigans, and then we spend entirely too much time in South Africa. Apparently the whites are having a hell of a time down there, and they harken back to the good ol' days of Rhodesia. What does this have to do with Table Lake, Colorado? Absolutely nothing. Join us, won't you?
Flying fortresses. Exploding radios. Toxic radiation. Naked yoga. Nubile congresswomen. Fried testicles. Vixen 03 starts off a hell of a lot slower than Raise The Titanic, but you wouldn't know it from all the lampshade-hanging and breasting boobily that happens! Nancy has a Moment of Dirkness. Topper has to talk about S-E-X with his kids in the room. Topper's cat becomes the new co-host. It's a whole new season, folks!
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