Jack Tame: The stress of hanging wall decals

The obvious question is why? 

Why would you do it? Why put yourself through it?   

No one was compelling us. No one had a gun to our heads. We weren’t competing for a million dollars on a reality TV show.   

So why, two weeks before Christmas, with all of the stress and pressure of the silly season, in the midst of that heavy, humid, tropical Auckland heat, with Mava seven months pregnant, why would we decide that now was the time to put up wall stickers in our baby’s room?  

To be accurate, I’m not sure if they were wall stickers or wall decals. I don’t really know the difference. All I know is they were two enormous trees —three metres high— that each came in multiple parts needing to be perfectly stuck to the wall. Different branches and shrubbery had to be placed together perfectly, lest one half of the tree sit lower than the other. One mistake, and your eye gets drawn immediately to the error: a tiny gap of wall in the seam where the pieces should connect, or a lump of bunched up sticker creased together, a permanent reminder of stress and incompetence.   

My first experience with them was when I bought a four-metre-wide vinyl world map for my old apartment wall. The map was exquisite, but it required two giant sheets to be perfectly aligned. I nailed the first —level, with no creases or lines— but tilted the second sheet by just one or two degrees. When you’re sticking them to the wall, you start at the top, so by the time I’d worked my way down to the Tropic of Capricorn it was obvious I was in trouble. For years afterwards I stared at the wall, consumed by the overlap which cut out three quarters of the territory between Adelaide and Perth, and a crease which created an unexpected mountain range east of the Falkland Islands. Trust me when I say this: even if visitors don’t notice it, you notice it. 

I know what you’re thinking. Wall stickers are tacky? Well, you’re certainly right in the literal sense of the word. Given they would be the predominant visual features in our baby’s room, Mava had decided it wasn’t the sort of thing you for which she wanted an el-cheapo job from Temu. And given she is two people at the moment, we figured I should be the one on the ladder. 

Looking back at those few hours though, I think the fact the tree wall stickers were expensive only added to the pressure.   

As I teetered on the step ladder: 

“A little to the left!”   

Hands out-stretched to the wall,  

“A little to the right”   

 I felt beads of sweat run down the bridge of my nose.   

“No, not like that! Smooth with the palm of your hand.”  

I don’t know how hanging wall stickers compares to hanging wallpaper, but it was a team effort in the end. From the peeling of the stickers to the spirit-levelling, to rubbing out the creases and bubbles against the wall.   

In the end though, the real measure of success isn’t the fact the trees look fantastic (although they do).   

The real success is that somehow our relationship survived. 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:07):
You're listening to the Saturday Morning with Jack team podcast
from News Talks at.

Speaker 2 (00:11):
Me, And the obvious question is why, why would you
do it? Why would you put yourself through it? No
one was compelling us, No one had a gun to
our heads. We weren't competing for a million dollars on
a reality TV show. So why why? Two weeks before Christmas,

(00:31):
with all of the stress and the pressure of the
silly season, in the midst of that heavy, humid tropical
Auckland heat, with Marv seven months pregnant, why would we
decide that now was the time to put up wall
stickers in our baby's bedroom. Now. To be accurate, I'm

(00:52):
not actually totally sure if they were wall stickers or
wall decals. I don't really understand the difference between the two.
All I know is that they were two enormous trees,
each of them about three meters high, that came in
multiple parts, needing to be perfectly stuck to the wall.

(01:12):
Different branches and shrubbery had to be placed together perfectly.
Least one half of the trees sit lower than the other.
One mistake, just one mistake, and your eye gets drawn
immediately to the error. A tiny gap of wall in
the seam where the pieces should connect, or a lump
of bunched up sticker creased together, a permanent reminder of

(01:35):
stress and incompetence. My first experience with wall stickers or
wall decals was when I bought a four meter high
vinyl World map for my old apartment wall. Now, the
map was exquisite, incredibly detailed, but it required two giant
sheets to be perfectly aligned. I nailed the first one.

(01:59):
It was level, no creases, no lines. But I tilted
the second sheet by just one or two degrees. And
the thing is, when you're sticking them to the wall,
you start at the top. So by the time I
had worked my way down to the tropic of Capricorn,
it was obvious that I was in trouble. For years afterwards,

(02:19):
I stared at that wall, consumed by the overlap which
cut out three quarters of the territory between Adelaide and Perth,
and a crease which created an unexpected mountain range east
of the Falkland Islands. Trust me when I say this,
Even if visitors don't notice it, you notice it now.

(02:40):
I know what you're thinking, wall stickers are tacky. Well,
well you're certainly right in the literal sense, zing given
they would be the predominant visual features in our baby's room.
Marv had decided it wasn't the sort of thing for
which she wanted an al chipo job from Timu, and

(03:00):
given Marva is you know, kind of two people at
the moment, we figured I should probably be the one
on the ladder. Looking back at those few hours, though,
I think the fact the tree wall stickers were expensive
probably only added to the pressure of the whole situation.
As I teetered on the step ladder a little to

(03:22):
the left, hands outstretched to the wall a little to
the right, I felt beads of sweat run down the
bridge of my nose and PLoP onto the floor below me.
No no, no, no, no, not like that. Smooth it
with the palm of your hand, not your nails. I

(03:44):
don't know how hanging wall stickers compares to hanging wallpaper.
In the end, it was a team effort, from the
peeling of the stickers to the spirit leveling, to rubbing
out the creases and the bubbles against the wall. In
the end, though, the real measure of success isn't the
fact that the trees look fantastic, even though they do

(04:04):
the real measure of success is that, somehow our relationship survived.

Speaker 1 (04:10):
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