October 9, 2023 • 11 mins
How can you do it all - AND still be a good parent?
5 ideas for 'Creating Margin' that will make all the difference when it comes to an over scheduled, over-busy life!
Topics discussed in this episode:
- Creating order from chaos
- Household tasks
- Connection
- Parental exhaustion
- Washing machine analogy
- Stephen Covey - 'Big Rocks'
- Structure and routine
- Poet Annie Dillard - 'How We Spend Our Days'
- Chores
You can purchase early bird tickets for the new course 'Supporting Autistic Children: Nurturing Neurodiversity' at the Happy Families website
Find us on Facebook at Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families
Become a Happy Families member today - Happy Families Membership
Email us your questions and comments at podcasts@happyfamilies.com.au
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Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
The time poor parent who just answers.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Now. Before we began this podcast, I ask you to
make a list of all the things that you need
to do every day because there is so much to do.
You don't know where this is going yet, but can
you read out what's on your list?
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Well, it starts with a reset of the house.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Yeah, once the kids leave, right, which they don't leave
anymore because I'm schooling. So how's that reset going?
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Putting everything back in its place so I can feel
like there's some order in my home. Ye, But there's
all the washing, the folding, the hanging out, the ironing.
There's meal prep and the dishes and tidy up that
come as a result of that. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Food just never ends. There's taxing kids to and from school,
extracurricular activities, then trying to squeeze in all the errands
(00:58):
that are require I had to keep the house functioning.
And on top of all of that, I'd like to
have a little bit of time for me so I
can exercise and do a bit of self care. Yeah, okay, so.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
I'm going to add to that. You've got to maintain
your relationships, like you actually want to have relationships with people,
which means being in touch with friends, whether it's on
messenger or Marco Polo or regardless of or actually having
an in person conversation and catch up with somebody. You
didn't mention the yard or the car.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
Well, and then the service service plays a really big
part in our lives and that takes up significant amount
of time.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
Oh and you still haven't mentioned there's the need to
earn an income. There's a need to sleep. Nobody mentioned sleep.
And we need to have time with our kids because remember,
we love them, and we want to spend time with
our children. That's why we had them. So the expansive
list of things that need to be done in a
day is just enormous. Today, our conversation is about creating
margin because I think one of the most commonly asked
(01:54):
questions that I get from people is how am I
supposed to do it all and still be a good parent? Like,
how do I hold this together when the list of
things to do is just impossible to get through.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
I think the problem is the question, we're not actually
supposed to do it all?
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Well, wouldn't it be nice if we could. But that's it,
isn't it like we've got this thing out of here?
Speaker 2 (02:16):
You can't do it all.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
Yeah. I've always had the motto we should bot off
more than we can chew and then make it up
as we go along. But what I'm finding over time
is that, well, you get a lot more done than
you would otherwise with a motto like that, but it
short does where you out it can be absolutely exhausting.
And so in today's conversation, we want to share with
(02:39):
you four tips that are going to make all the
difference when it comes to creating margin in an overscheduled,
over busy life. Some time ago, I shared on the
podcast the analogy of the washing machine for those who
missed it. When you were pregnant with one of our
first children, I decided to be really helpful around the
house and do all the close whing. So I went
(03:01):
and collected all of the darks and all of the
whites and all of the pinks because we had daughters
and there were so much pink clothing, and decided that
the duck's load was the biggest one. So I was
going to load that in the machine and wash that
first and once it had finished. I pulled the clothing
out and it was dirtier than it had been when
I put it in there. And when I called out
to you after browsing the Harvey Norman catalog to see
(03:22):
if we should buy a new washing machine, you commented
that I'd put about three loads worth of washing in
one load, and when you put too much in, you
get a lousy result.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
Not only do you get a lousy result, but that
washing machine is not going to last very long if
you keep doing so.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
But it doesn't just happen with washing machines. It happens
with fridges. You overstack the fridge. The fridge doesn't keep
the food cold. It works with when I'm mowing the lawn.
If I don't stop and empty the catcher all of
a sudden, I get a lousy result with the lawn
because the catcher can only hold so much grass that
I've clipped.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Well, since we're going with thinny analogies, if I put
too much food in my belly everything because I can't function,
I feel sluggish. I just want to go to sleep,
and I have a belly.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
Especially depends on what sort of food you're eating, But
that's probably a conversation for another day. I think, though,
the main point is when you put too much in,
you get a lousy result, whether it's your belly or
whether it's the refrigerator or the washing machine or whatever.
And our lives and the lives of so many parents
that we talk to, are just stacked, stacked, so full,
(04:28):
so fo ideas that we think can make a difference
when you look at the list and think, I can't
possibly do it all. Actually I'm adding a fifth one.
We've already kind of touched on it, But the first
one which is getting tacked on to the top is acceptance.
Maybe your very best friend here when you accept that
you can't do it all, rather than ongoingly convincing yourself
(04:50):
that you can. The idea that you can is probably
your greatest enemy and causes the greatest frustration and leads
to the inner able to tolerate things when they're not right.
But when you accept that there is actually a limited
number of hours in the day, you only have a
limited capacity, limited energy, limited focus, and limited resources, just
(05:11):
that acknowledgment may very well be the what is it
the thing that clicks in your brain that makes you
go okay? Since I can't do it all. Now, I
need to be a little bit strategic about what I'm
going to prioritize, which brings us to the second idea,
which was our first idea. That's now our second idea, but.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
It's no less important. A few years ago, as we
all went through the pandemic and the struggle and challenge
that that was, we for the most part have recognized
the immense gift that it gave us in helping us
to recognize what the priorities were in our lives and
the things that were most important to create in many cases,
(05:55):
happier families.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
We're never going to go back to how busy we
were before the pandemic. We're going to use this panders
a learning tool, said everybody, and then as soon as
the restrictions were lifted, we all went back to our
crazy lives. It feels like they've only gotten busier. So
be intentional.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
That next step is about recognizing what our priorities are,
because until we recognize that, we are actually stuck, and
then on top of that, recognizing that every decision we
make is a choice. Right, nobody's got a gun to
our head telling us we have to do X Y,
and Z we're the ones who determine how full the
(06:34):
washing machine gets.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
Just quickly on that. One of my favorite object lessons
comes from a guy called Stephen Covey. We don't have
time to pop this into the podcast, but can I
recommend you jump onto YouTube and just type in Covey
CoV Ey, Covey Big Rocks. It's a four minute YouTube
clip where Stephen Covey is standing in front of an
audience of probably very highly paid executives at a big
training session, and he's got a bucket full of all
(06:58):
these tiny, little green rocks. It fills three quarters of
this bucket, and then a handful of big rocks. The
big rocks have labels on them like family relationships, and
work priorities and sleep and just all the stuff that really,
really really matters the most, the stuff that should be
right at the very pinnacle of our priority list, and.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
The green rocks is the list that I just gave you.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
Yeah, all the slu And he asks this lady to
get those big rocks into the bucket without going over
the top of the bucket with all the green rocks
already in there, and she just can't do it. It's not
until she starts fresh and puts all of the big
rocks in first. That then she's able to tip all
the other stuff in around it. And in this particular
(07:42):
one she gets it all in. But the reality is
I don't think that you can not in real life,
and that's kind of the point. So clarity in priorities,
I think, is our critical first idea. What is it
that matters most? This requires us to do some heavy
lifting in our brains. It requires us to to try
and get priorities and structures and routines right because it
(08:04):
will help us to get more done. Oh. Craig Bruce,
our executive producer, sent through a quote that I think
is perfect here from poet and author and Dillard who said,
how we spend our days is of course how we
spend our lives. What we do with this hour and
that one is what we are doing. A schedule defends
from chaos and whim It is a net for catching days.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
Priorities.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
Schedules makes a difference. What's our second thing? Which is
kind of our third? About our second thing?
Speaker 2 (08:34):
You plus can number three is how can we outsource?
What things can we outsource? Is it that we organize
for our groceries to be delivered instead of having to
go to the shop and doing it all ourselves. That
seems to be a really popular choice for a lot
of families cleaning. Can we afford to have somebody come
in and help with the cleaning or do we use
(08:55):
the minions that we birth?
Speaker 1 (08:59):
I feel like I've got to do a group We
could laugh now, So I just want to highlight here
on outsourcing. We recognize many, many, many people obviously doing
it tougher now than we have in a long, long,
long time because of the financial pressures that the economy
has placed on so many families. But whether it's paying
someone for cleaning, or whether it's just helping out with
(09:21):
car pooling and mixing up the routine with that kind
of thing, like you said, getting some assistance with the shopping.
Being creative in the way that we can outsource can
be a really useful way to create margin.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Number four.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Learn to say no big fan of this one, becoming
you're a big fan of becoming let me rephrase, becoming
a bigger fan of this one. Over time, when you
know what you're saying yes too, it becomes easy to
say no to other things. So this is why knowing
your priorities matters so much, Because if you know that X,
y Z is your priority, that being at the kids'
(09:57):
school assembly or watching them place bored on Saturday morning,
or being at home and focused rather than being on
the phone or doing those emails. When you know what
those things are, it's much easy to say yes to those,
which makes it easy to say no to the other
stuff that's going to intrude on that And Lucky Lave,
I think that you've kind of touched on it already
(10:17):
with the outsourcing idea, but I just want to highlight
that another idea is to delegate stuff to the kids.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
I was listening to a podcast recently and I loved
the way they talked about this. This idea of assigning
kids chores feels hard, and for most kids, they're in
a buck right they don't want to be a part
of it. But she use the word contribution, what part
are you willing to contribute to the running of our
house today? And I just loved it. It's literally a
(10:45):
tiny shift in words, but it makes a significant difference
in the way it's viewed.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
Well, I've heard you use that word with our children
just recently, and I also noticed that the children seem
to be willing to make a contribution when you phrased
it and framed it that way. All these things can
help to create margin. Will they guarantee to transform your life? No? Well,
sometimes perhaps maybe we encourage you to try it. Get
those big rocks in, understand what the priorities are except
(11:13):
that you can't do it all, get the minions involved, say
no when you can, and outsource outsource outsource. We really
hope that these things create margin in your family and
help to make your family happier. Happy Families Podcast, as
Always is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig
Bruce is our executive producer. For more information about making
(11:34):
your family happier, we encourage you to visit us at
happy Families dot com dot a you or check out
our Facebook page Doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families
It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
The time poor parent who just answers.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Now. Before we began this podcast, I ask you to
make a list of all the things that you need
to do every day because there is so much to do.
You don't know where this is going yet, but can
you read out what's on your list?
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Well, it starts with a reset of the house.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Yeah, once the kids leave, right, which they don't leave
anymore because I'm schooling. So how's that reset going?
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Putting everything back in its place so I can feel
like there's some order in my home. Ye, But there's
all the washing, the folding, the hanging out, the ironing.
There's meal prep and the dishes and tidy up that
come as a result of that. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Food just never ends. There's taxing kids to and from school,
extracurricular activities, then trying to squeeze in all the errands
(00:58):
that are require I had to keep the house functioning.
And on top of all of that, I'd like to
have a little bit of time for me so I
can exercise and do a bit of self care. Yeah, okay, so.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
I'm going to add to that. You've got to maintain
your relationships, like you actually want to have relationships with people,
which means being in touch with friends, whether it's on
messenger or Marco Polo or regardless of or actually having
an in person conversation and catch up with somebody. You
didn't mention the yard or the car.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
Well, and then the service service plays a really big
part in our lives and that takes up significant amount
of time.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
Oh and you still haven't mentioned there's the need to
earn an income. There's a need to sleep. Nobody mentioned sleep.
And we need to have time with our kids because remember,
we love them, and we want to spend time with
our children. That's why we had them. So the expansive
list of things that need to be done in a
day is just enormous. Today, our conversation is about creating
margin because I think one of the most commonly asked
(01:54):
questions that I get from people is how am I
supposed to do it all and still be a good parent? Like,
how do I hold this together when the list of
things to do is just impossible to get through.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
I think the problem is the question, we're not actually
supposed to do it all?
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Well, wouldn't it be nice if we could. But that's it,
isn't it like we've got this thing out of here?
Speaker 2 (02:16):
You can't do it all.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
Yeah. I've always had the motto we should bot off
more than we can chew and then make it up
as we go along. But what I'm finding over time
is that, well, you get a lot more done than
you would otherwise with a motto like that, but it
short does where you out it can be absolutely exhausting.
And so in today's conversation, we want to share with
(02:39):
you four tips that are going to make all the
difference when it comes to creating margin in an overscheduled,
over busy life. Some time ago, I shared on the
podcast the analogy of the washing machine for those who
missed it. When you were pregnant with one of our
first children, I decided to be really helpful around the
house and do all the close whing. So I went
(03:01):
and collected all of the darks and all of the
whites and all of the pinks because we had daughters
and there were so much pink clothing, and decided that
the duck's load was the biggest one. So I was
going to load that in the machine and wash that
first and once it had finished. I pulled the clothing
out and it was dirtier than it had been when
I put it in there. And when I called out
to you after browsing the Harvey Norman catalog to see
(03:22):
if we should buy a new washing machine, you commented
that I'd put about three loads worth of washing in
one load, and when you put too much in, you
get a lousy result.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
Not only do you get a lousy result, but that
washing machine is not going to last very long if
you keep doing so.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
But it doesn't just happen with washing machines. It happens
with fridges. You overstack the fridge. The fridge doesn't keep
the food cold. It works with when I'm mowing the lawn.
If I don't stop and empty the catcher all of
a sudden, I get a lousy result with the lawn
because the catcher can only hold so much grass that
I've clipped.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Well, since we're going with thinny analogies, if I put
too much food in my belly everything because I can't function,
I feel sluggish. I just want to go to sleep,
and I have a belly.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
Especially depends on what sort of food you're eating, But
that's probably a conversation for another day. I think, though,
the main point is when you put too much in,
you get a lousy result, whether it's your belly or
whether it's the refrigerator or the washing machine or whatever.
And our lives and the lives of so many parents
that we talk to, are just stacked, stacked, so full,
(04:28):
so fo ideas that we think can make a difference
when you look at the list and think, I can't
possibly do it all. Actually I'm adding a fifth one.
We've already kind of touched on it, But the first
one which is getting tacked on to the top is acceptance.
Maybe your very best friend here when you accept that
you can't do it all, rather than ongoingly convincing yourself
(04:50):
that you can. The idea that you can is probably
your greatest enemy and causes the greatest frustration and leads
to the inner able to tolerate things when they're not right.
But when you accept that there is actually a limited
number of hours in the day, you only have a
limited capacity, limited energy, limited focus, and limited resources, just
(05:11):
that acknowledgment may very well be the what is it
the thing that clicks in your brain that makes you
go okay? Since I can't do it all. Now, I
need to be a little bit strategic about what I'm
going to prioritize, which brings us to the second idea,
which was our first idea. That's now our second idea, but.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
It's no less important. A few years ago, as we
all went through the pandemic and the struggle and challenge
that that was, we for the most part have recognized
the immense gift that it gave us in helping us
to recognize what the priorities were in our lives and
the things that were most important to create in many cases,
(05:55):
happier families.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
We're never going to go back to how busy we
were before the pandemic. We're going to use this panders
a learning tool, said everybody, and then as soon as
the restrictions were lifted, we all went back to our
crazy lives. It feels like they've only gotten busier. So
be intentional.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
That next step is about recognizing what our priorities are,
because until we recognize that, we are actually stuck, and
then on top of that, recognizing that every decision we
make is a choice. Right, nobody's got a gun to
our head telling us we have to do X Y,
and Z we're the ones who determine how full the
(06:34):
washing machine gets.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
Just quickly on that. One of my favorite object lessons
comes from a guy called Stephen Covey. We don't have
time to pop this into the podcast, but can I
recommend you jump onto YouTube and just type in Covey
CoV Ey, Covey Big Rocks. It's a four minute YouTube
clip where Stephen Covey is standing in front of an
audience of probably very highly paid executives at a big
training session, and he's got a bucket full of all
(06:58):
these tiny, little green rocks. It fills three quarters of
this bucket, and then a handful of big rocks. The
big rocks have labels on them like family relationships, and
work priorities and sleep and just all the stuff that really,
really really matters the most, the stuff that should be
right at the very pinnacle of our priority list, and.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
The green rocks is the list that I just gave you.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
Yeah, all the slu And he asks this lady to
get those big rocks into the bucket without going over
the top of the bucket with all the green rocks
already in there, and she just can't do it. It's not
until she starts fresh and puts all of the big
rocks in first. That then she's able to tip all
the other stuff in around it. And in this particular
(07:42):
one she gets it all in. But the reality is
I don't think that you can not in real life,
and that's kind of the point. So clarity in priorities,
I think, is our critical first idea. What is it
that matters most? This requires us to do some heavy
lifting in our brains. It requires us to to try
and get priorities and structures and routines right because it
(08:04):
will help us to get more done. Oh. Craig Bruce,
our executive producer, sent through a quote that I think
is perfect here from poet and author and Dillard who said,
how we spend our days is of course how we
spend our lives. What we do with this hour and
that one is what we are doing. A schedule defends
from chaos and whim It is a net for catching days.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
Priorities.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
Schedules makes a difference. What's our second thing? Which is
kind of our third? About our second thing?
Speaker 2 (08:34):
You plus can number three is how can we outsource?
What things can we outsource? Is it that we organize
for our groceries to be delivered instead of having to
go to the shop and doing it all ourselves. That
seems to be a really popular choice for a lot
of families cleaning. Can we afford to have somebody come
in and help with the cleaning or do we use
(08:55):
the minions that we birth?
Speaker 1 (08:59):
I feel like I've got to do a group We
could laugh now, So I just want to highlight here
on outsourcing. We recognize many, many, many people obviously doing
it tougher now than we have in a long, long,
long time because of the financial pressures that the economy
has placed on so many families. But whether it's paying
someone for cleaning, or whether it's just helping out with
(09:21):
car pooling and mixing up the routine with that kind
of thing, like you said, getting some assistance with the shopping.
Being creative in the way that we can outsource can
be a really useful way to create margin.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Number four.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Learn to say no big fan of this one, becoming
you're a big fan of becoming let me rephrase, becoming
a bigger fan of this one. Over time, when you
know what you're saying yes too, it becomes easy to
say no to other things. So this is why knowing
your priorities matters so much, Because if you know that X,
y Z is your priority, that being at the kids'
(09:57):
school assembly or watching them place bored on Saturday morning,
or being at home and focused rather than being on
the phone or doing those emails. When you know what
those things are, it's much easy to say yes to those,
which makes it easy to say no to the other
stuff that's going to intrude on that And Lucky Lave,
I think that you've kind of touched on it already
(10:17):
with the outsourcing idea, but I just want to highlight
that another idea is to delegate stuff to the kids.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
I was listening to a podcast recently and I loved
the way they talked about this. This idea of assigning
kids chores feels hard, and for most kids, they're in
a buck right they don't want to be a part
of it. But she use the word contribution, what part
are you willing to contribute to the running of our
house today? And I just loved it. It's literally a
(10:45):
tiny shift in words, but it makes a significant difference
in the way it's viewed.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
Well, I've heard you use that word with our children
just recently, and I also noticed that the children seem
to be willing to make a contribution when you phrased
it and framed it that way. All these things can
help to create margin. Will they guarantee to transform your life? No? Well,
sometimes perhaps maybe we encourage you to try it. Get
those big rocks in, understand what the priorities are except
(11:13):
that you can't do it all, get the minions involved, say
no when you can, and outsource outsource outsource. We really
hope that these things create margin in your family and
help to make your family happier. Happy Families Podcast, as
Always is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig
Bruce is our executive producer. For more information about making
(11:34):
your family happier, we encourage you to visit us at
happy Families dot com dot a you or check out
our Facebook page Doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families
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