September 5, 2024 • 14 mins
Moruya mum Julie Irwin has asked herself that question a million times, since her son Billy took his own life at the age of 15. Julie is also a counsellor, and she's helping those struggling with mental health and the aftermath of a death by suicide.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
High are Fast out Coast.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Today, I'm James Fantasy, and today our conversation is with
a South Coast mother who lost her son way too soon.
This episode contains conversations about suicide that some may find distressing.
If this raises issues for you or someone you know,
call Lifeline twenty four seven on one three, double one
one four, text zero four double seven one three double
(00:26):
one one four, or visit Lifeline dot org dot AU.
September the tenth is World Suicide Prevention Day and there
are a number of events happening in our region, including
an Out of the Shadows Walk hosted by Lifeline South Coast.
The walk starts at the Your Somebody's Someone Water Tank
Murals at Hanging Rock Sporting Complex from five point forty
(00:48):
five am, then winds its way to the Bateman's Bay Bridge,
across and back again. Many South Coast locals will be
walking to remember loved ones lost to suicide, including Dan
and Pat Griffin, who will walk for their son Sean
on Sunday the eighth and Tuesday the tenth of September.
And if you're not familiar with the Griffins story, you
can take a listen to Tianne's own iHeart episode You're
(01:11):
Somebody Someone. Another South Coast local who'll be walking is
Julie Irwin. The loss of her teenage son at just
fifteen will resonate with anyone who struggles with the complex
aftermath of death by suicide and the monumental agony of
the question how did I miss the signs? Julie Irwin
and her husband Jimmy, live on acreage just outside of Maria.
(01:34):
She works in the health industry, but also runs a
private practice as a counselor from her farm, helping young
people who find themselves in distress. Julie's lived in Maria
since the early nineteen nineties. She moved there with her
three kids, fell in love with Jimmy, and not long
after the family welcomed a baby brother in Billy.
Speaker 3 (01:55):
So Billy had the most beautiful blonde, curly hair when
he was little, and just gorgeous blue eyes and a
pleasure of a child to have. He grew up here
on our farm, as you can see, along with his siblings,
and he loved cook He started cooking, you know, probably
(02:16):
from when he was about five years old. He'd be
making porridge for us, and yeah, just loved cooking and
was really good at it as he got to be
a little bit older.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
So what about Billy as an adolescent.
Speaker 3 (02:28):
As an adolescent, he was quite engaged in the community
in various ways, working on things. He was really fascinated
in construction work, especially road construction, so he'd always get
you know, coming see how the progress. So that's going, mum,
Like when they were building up near Woollongong, that sort
(02:50):
of windy bridge that's up there. We'd go up there
every now and then so he could follow the progress
and construction work down here. We all sort of thought
he'd be an engineer. And loved animals. We've got some
beautiful photos of him interacting with our animals here. Loved
his tennis, absolutely adored his tennis, and he was playing
(03:11):
up three times a week. He had lessons, he was
in a junior comp and then he just started playing
in the open camp as well. Yeah, was very connected
with community and yeah, much.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Loved seems very evident. I believe Billy was fifteen at
the time. They say there's no one thing when it
comes to suicide, it's a makeup of different things. But
I guess at the time and in the lead up.
Was there anything in terms of his behavior or anything
that stood in Yeah.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
That's a really good question, because I've reflected on that
a lot since his past, and so at the time
in twenty fourteen, in July, I was diagnosed with stage
four cancer. So I went through rigorous chemo and then
continue on further treatment. And I can now see the
(04:04):
impact that that would have happened on him, you know,
worrying about me, seeing me sick, and that was a
big thing. And then there was even his sister, who
you know, was studying at the time, and and we
didn't when we reflected afterwards, we didn't see any evidence
of what we would call, you know, look like symptoms
(04:27):
of depression. When he passed, then you know, the police
returned his mobile phone to us and prepared us for
what we would read on there. And so there was
evidence of you know, pretty upsetting messages that were sent
to him from a friend, and that was Yeah, there
(04:53):
was probably multiple things. His brother, who you know, of
course he's always lived with, was had just announced he
was going to move away to Sydney for work, so
it was probably layered, but definitely it was all situational
emotional distress. Yeah, we can see in hindsight, but you
(05:17):
don't really see at the time.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
You mentioned some messages there without going into too many specifics.
Do you think bullying was a factor in.
Speaker 3 (05:28):
This You could call it bullying. Yes, it was quite Yeah,
it was quite upsetting to read and we had no idea.
And you know, I think had I been well, you know,
Billy would have talked to us about it. But I
think he was just such a very considerate and thoughtful
(05:49):
kind person that he's not wanted to worry the family
or me or his dad considering what we're going through
at the time.
Speaker 2 (05:57):
So, yeah, was there any way that you and Jimmy
could have known something was wrong at that stage? As
you mentioned, you were going through a lot yourselves. But
was there any way you could have.
Speaker 3 (06:09):
No, I don't think so. I think this is why
you know, suicide is the leading cause of death for
you know, fifteen to twenty four year olds, is because
their brain is underdeveloped. They don't have an adult's brain,
so they don't have the capacity to problem solve like
(06:29):
an adult, and so they can also be impulsive and
look for that, you know, emotional relief. I guess in
any way they think possible, But yeah, no, I no.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Can you talk us through the day that Billy died
in twenty fifteen.
Speaker 3 (06:52):
Yeah, it was the twenty seventh of February, and well
was the twenty sixth of February that he was sing.
So that was fairly very distressing in that there was
a big search for him. It was totally out of
character for him for us not to know where he
(07:13):
is and for him not to tell us, so that
you know, went through through the night, all night, all
of his dad's friends and his brother's friends out looking
on their motorbikes and fool drives and everything. Just yeah,
and then was a big helicopter search and Saturday afternoon
(07:37):
we were.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
Informed a few deep breaths, then more soon from Julie Irwin,
a woman who endeavored to make sense of the devastating
loss of her son Billy by helping others on the
far South Coast cope with living after major trauma.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
iHeart Fast South Coast, High Fast, South Coast.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
I'm James Fantasy And the very first Billy Erwin Family
Day was held at the Maria Tennis Club in November
twenty twenty two, seven years after his death by suicide.
The event happens every year and is on again this November.
It raises money and awareness for youth mental health and
suicide prevention. Moving on from the rawness of grief and
(08:25):
loss to find some semblance of a normal life again
is another aspect of the journey. The Erwin family is
keen to share. The aftermath of losing Billy took months
and even years to process. Amid all of the pain,
Billy's mum, Julie Irwin, was continuing her treatment for stage
four cancer. Her family's experience now forms a big part
(08:46):
of Julie's own counseling of others. After you found out
that Billy died, how did you and Jimmy each handle
your grief?
Speaker 3 (09:00):
Yeah, differently? And I did say to him at the start,
you know, I said, look, we're going to grieve differently
here and that's okay. So we'll just have to, you know,
respect each other's way of getting through this. And it
was really initially like the community was just amazing. You know,
(09:24):
they put a benefit night on because I wasn't able
to work. I was so sick, you know, you had
to pay for chemo treatment, you know, it was it
was a lot like the medication. It was we're under
financial distress and the community did a benefit for us.
And Jimmy is very much loved in the community after
(09:45):
being here all his life, and we're very supportive. And
his mates and brothers were incredible and one made in
particular still to this day, you know, is there for
him and we'll take him camping and you know, ring him.
And I noticed that, like for jim he didn't necessarily
(10:07):
want to talk about what's happened, but just having you know,
mates and brothers ring him and say, you know, how
do you watch the footie or what do you think
of that? And all that stuff just made him feel
so connected and I really believe that's what's helped him
through it. So well. Mine is a little bit different.
(10:28):
You know, I had girlfriends around me, but and still do.
Friendships changed a bit, I've found, but yeah, and still
have you know, girlfriends who have been colleagues as well
that are that are support for and particularly people who
(10:51):
are the mums that have bereaved. I've found over that
period of time that I've connected with. You know, social
media is great like that you can and locate each
other and and and just almost you know, such comfort
from not necessarily talking, but just being with somebody who
(11:12):
gets it, who just seems to know all the right
things to say, and also knows that you like to
talk about your child, you know, you you you know,
some people think they're going to upset you if they,
you know, talk about your child, but it's the opposite.
We like to talk, you know, about the nice things
(11:32):
and positive things. We don't necessarily want to talk about
the yeah, the trauma of it, but yeah, just remembering him.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
I mean, you're a counselor did yourself or Jimmy seek
help in that sense, Yes.
Speaker 3 (11:46):
We both did. Jim saw someone. He only went a
couple of sessions, he said, and I think for him
it was very much about his you know, informal supports
that were so helpful for him. And also he needs
to get back to work soon. He wanted to get
back to work, He wanted to get back to routine
and things like that, and that helped him. Whereas I struggled.
(12:09):
I took me. I had a long time off work,
plus because I was continuing to have treatment as well,
so physically I was still not well. I did. I
had counseling locally, in town and that was helpful. And
the one thing that really stook it out for him
is when he said, Julie, this happened in spite of
(12:31):
your parenting, because of course you feel all this guilt
and you know, how could this happen and what did
I do wrong in all of that? So that was
really helpful.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Yeah, when you are speaking to groups or you know,
speaking at a school or whatever it may be, what
is kind of the main message that you get out there,
and what's the main message that you want to get
out there to people at the Bass South Coast.
Speaker 3 (12:56):
Don't give up hope. I know that it can be
a really hard thing to reach out, but if you
if you can just take that step and reach out often,
you know, it's a good place to start with your GP.
And look, I understand we've got such a shortage of
GPS and it's really hard to get an appointment, but
(13:18):
that is a good place to start. And yeah, reach out.
There's services, the Mental Health Line, there's so much available.
Now take that little step and reach out. And and
also if you don't connect with that person, don't be
put off. Find another because we don't always connect with
(13:42):
you know, a support worker or a counselor or whatever.
And that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It
just means there wasn't a connection. So find the right
fit for you. And but yeah, definitely reach out. Speak
for young people, you know, speak to someone an adult,
be trust even let them know, whether it's a teacher,
(14:03):
or you know a neighbor or a parent, or you
know some relative or friend.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Yeah, Julia Owen's courage and that of Billy's dad Jimmy,
as well as the whole family is the cornerstone of
the trauma based counseling that Julie offers at Maria Counseling
dot com. But there is always someone at the other
end of the line at Lifeline if you need to
talk twenty four to seven, just call one three double
(14:29):
one one four. And also supporting those impacted by suicide
losses the Standby Support After Suicide Group available on one
three hundred and seven two seven two seven four. I'm
James Fantasy. That's all for now on this episode of
Iheartfasouth Coast, proudly supported by the New South Wales Government.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
iHeart Far South Coast
High are Fast out Coast.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Today, I'm James Fantasy, and today our conversation is with
a South Coast mother who lost her son way too soon.
This episode contains conversations about suicide that some may find distressing.
If this raises issues for you or someone you know,
call Lifeline twenty four seven on one three, double one
one four, text zero four double seven one three double
(00:26):
one one four, or visit Lifeline dot org dot AU.
September the tenth is World Suicide Prevention Day and there
are a number of events happening in our region, including
an Out of the Shadows Walk hosted by Lifeline South Coast.
The walk starts at the Your Somebody's Someone Water Tank
Murals at Hanging Rock Sporting Complex from five point forty
(00:48):
five am, then winds its way to the Bateman's Bay Bridge,
across and back again. Many South Coast locals will be
walking to remember loved ones lost to suicide, including Dan
and Pat Griffin, who will walk for their son Sean
on Sunday the eighth and Tuesday the tenth of September.
And if you're not familiar with the Griffins story, you
can take a listen to Tianne's own iHeart episode You're
(01:11):
Somebody Someone. Another South Coast local who'll be walking is
Julie Irwin. The loss of her teenage son at just
fifteen will resonate with anyone who struggles with the complex
aftermath of death by suicide and the monumental agony of
the question how did I miss the signs? Julie Irwin
and her husband Jimmy, live on acreage just outside of Maria.
(01:34):
She works in the health industry, but also runs a
private practice as a counselor from her farm, helping young
people who find themselves in distress. Julie's lived in Maria
since the early nineteen nineties. She moved there with her
three kids, fell in love with Jimmy, and not long
after the family welcomed a baby brother in Billy.
Speaker 3 (01:55):
So Billy had the most beautiful blonde, curly hair when
he was little, and just gorgeous blue eyes and a
pleasure of a child to have. He grew up here
on our farm, as you can see, along with his siblings,
and he loved cook He started cooking, you know, probably
(02:16):
from when he was about five years old. He'd be
making porridge for us, and yeah, just loved cooking and
was really good at it as he got to be
a little bit older.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
So what about Billy as an adolescent.
Speaker 3 (02:28):
As an adolescent, he was quite engaged in the community
in various ways, working on things. He was really fascinated
in construction work, especially road construction, so he'd always get
you know, coming see how the progress. So that's going, mum,
Like when they were building up near Woollongong, that sort
(02:50):
of windy bridge that's up there. We'd go up there
every now and then so he could follow the progress
and construction work down here. We all sort of thought
he'd be an engineer. And loved animals. We've got some
beautiful photos of him interacting with our animals here. Loved
his tennis, absolutely adored his tennis, and he was playing
(03:11):
up three times a week. He had lessons, he was
in a junior comp and then he just started playing
in the open camp as well. Yeah, was very connected
with community and yeah, much.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Loved seems very evident. I believe Billy was fifteen at
the time. They say there's no one thing when it
comes to suicide, it's a makeup of different things. But
I guess at the time and in the lead up.
Was there anything in terms of his behavior or anything
that stood in Yeah.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
That's a really good question, because I've reflected on that
a lot since his past, and so at the time
in twenty fourteen, in July, I was diagnosed with stage
four cancer. So I went through rigorous chemo and then
continue on further treatment. And I can now see the
(04:04):
impact that that would have happened on him, you know,
worrying about me, seeing me sick, and that was a
big thing. And then there was even his sister, who
you know, was studying at the time, and and we
didn't when we reflected afterwards, we didn't see any evidence
of what we would call, you know, look like symptoms
(04:27):
of depression. When he passed, then you know, the police
returned his mobile phone to us and prepared us for
what we would read on there. And so there was
evidence of you know, pretty upsetting messages that were sent
to him from a friend, and that was Yeah, there
(04:53):
was probably multiple things. His brother, who you know, of
course he's always lived with, was had just announced he
was going to move away to Sydney for work, so
it was probably layered, but definitely it was all situational
emotional distress. Yeah, we can see in hindsight, but you
(05:17):
don't really see at the time.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
You mentioned some messages there without going into too many specifics.
Do you think bullying was a factor in.
Speaker 3 (05:28):
This You could call it bullying. Yes, it was quite Yeah,
it was quite upsetting to read and we had no idea.
And you know, I think had I been well, you know,
Billy would have talked to us about it. But I
think he was just such a very considerate and thoughtful
(05:49):
kind person that he's not wanted to worry the family
or me or his dad considering what we're going through
at the time.
Speaker 2 (05:57):
So, yeah, was there any way that you and Jimmy
could have known something was wrong at that stage? As
you mentioned, you were going through a lot yourselves. But
was there any way you could have.
Speaker 3 (06:09):
No, I don't think so. I think this is why
you know, suicide is the leading cause of death for
you know, fifteen to twenty four year olds, is because
their brain is underdeveloped. They don't have an adult's brain,
so they don't have the capacity to problem solve like
(06:29):
an adult, and so they can also be impulsive and
look for that, you know, emotional relief. I guess in
any way they think possible, But yeah, no, I no.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Can you talk us through the day that Billy died
in twenty fifteen.
Speaker 3 (06:52):
Yeah, it was the twenty seventh of February, and well
was the twenty sixth of February that he was sing.
So that was fairly very distressing in that there was
a big search for him. It was totally out of
character for him for us not to know where he
(07:13):
is and for him not to tell us, so that
you know, went through through the night, all night, all
of his dad's friends and his brother's friends out looking
on their motorbikes and fool drives and everything. Just yeah,
and then was a big helicopter search and Saturday afternoon
(07:37):
we were.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
Informed a few deep breaths, then more soon from Julie Irwin,
a woman who endeavored to make sense of the devastating
loss of her son Billy by helping others on the
far South Coast cope with living after major trauma.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
iHeart Fast South Coast, High Fast, South Coast.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
I'm James Fantasy And the very first Billy Erwin Family
Day was held at the Maria Tennis Club in November
twenty twenty two, seven years after his death by suicide.
The event happens every year and is on again this November.
It raises money and awareness for youth mental health and
suicide prevention. Moving on from the rawness of grief and
(08:25):
loss to find some semblance of a normal life again
is another aspect of the journey. The Erwin family is
keen to share. The aftermath of losing Billy took months
and even years to process. Amid all of the pain,
Billy's mum, Julie Irwin, was continuing her treatment for stage
four cancer. Her family's experience now forms a big part
(08:46):
of Julie's own counseling of others. After you found out
that Billy died, how did you and Jimmy each handle
your grief?
Speaker 3 (09:00):
Yeah, differently? And I did say to him at the start,
you know, I said, look, we're going to grieve differently
here and that's okay. So we'll just have to, you know,
respect each other's way of getting through this. And it
was really initially like the community was just amazing. You know,
(09:24):
they put a benefit night on because I wasn't able
to work. I was so sick, you know, you had
to pay for chemo treatment, you know, it was it
was a lot like the medication. It was we're under
financial distress and the community did a benefit for us.
And Jimmy is very much loved in the community after
(09:45):
being here all his life, and we're very supportive. And
his mates and brothers were incredible and one made in
particular still to this day, you know, is there for
him and we'll take him camping and you know, ring him.
And I noticed that, like for jim he didn't necessarily
(10:07):
want to talk about what's happened, but just having you know,
mates and brothers ring him and say, you know, how
do you watch the footie or what do you think
of that? And all that stuff just made him feel
so connected and I really believe that's what's helped him
through it. So well. Mine is a little bit different.
(10:28):
You know, I had girlfriends around me, but and still do.
Friendships changed a bit, I've found, but yeah, and still
have you know, girlfriends who have been colleagues as well
that are that are support for and particularly people who
(10:51):
are the mums that have bereaved. I've found over that
period of time that I've connected with. You know, social
media is great like that you can and locate each
other and and and just almost you know, such comfort
from not necessarily talking, but just being with somebody who
(11:12):
gets it, who just seems to know all the right
things to say, and also knows that you like to
talk about your child, you know, you you you know,
some people think they're going to upset you if they,
you know, talk about your child, but it's the opposite.
We like to talk, you know, about the nice things
(11:32):
and positive things. We don't necessarily want to talk about
the yeah, the trauma of it, but yeah, just remembering him.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
I mean, you're a counselor did yourself or Jimmy seek
help in that sense, Yes.
Speaker 3 (11:46):
We both did. Jim saw someone. He only went a
couple of sessions, he said, and I think for him
it was very much about his you know, informal supports
that were so helpful for him. And also he needs
to get back to work soon. He wanted to get
back to work, He wanted to get back to routine
and things like that, and that helped him. Whereas I struggled.
(12:09):
I took me. I had a long time off work,
plus because I was continuing to have treatment as well,
so physically I was still not well. I did. I
had counseling locally, in town and that was helpful. And
the one thing that really stook it out for him
is when he said, Julie, this happened in spite of
(12:31):
your parenting, because of course you feel all this guilt
and you know, how could this happen and what did
I do wrong in all of that? So that was
really helpful.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Yeah, when you are speaking to groups or you know,
speaking at a school or whatever it may be, what
is kind of the main message that you get out there,
and what's the main message that you want to get
out there to people at the Bass South Coast.
Speaker 3 (12:56):
Don't give up hope. I know that it can be
a really hard thing to reach out, but if you
if you can just take that step and reach out often,
you know, it's a good place to start with your GP.
And look, I understand we've got such a shortage of
GPS and it's really hard to get an appointment, but
(13:18):
that is a good place to start. And yeah, reach out.
There's services, the Mental Health Line, there's so much available.
Now take that little step and reach out. And and
also if you don't connect with that person, don't be
put off. Find another because we don't always connect with
(13:42):
you know, a support worker or a counselor or whatever.
And that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It
just means there wasn't a connection. So find the right
fit for you. And but yeah, definitely reach out. Speak
for young people, you know, speak to someone an adult,
be trust even let them know, whether it's a teacher,
(14:03):
or you know a neighbor or a parent, or you
know some relative or friend.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Yeah, Julia Owen's courage and that of Billy's dad Jimmy,
as well as the whole family is the cornerstone of
the trauma based counseling that Julie offers at Maria Counseling
dot com. But there is always someone at the other
end of the line at Lifeline if you need to
talk twenty four to seven, just call one three double
(14:29):
one one four. And also supporting those impacted by suicide
losses the Standby Support After Suicide Group available on one
three hundred and seven two seven two seven four. I'm
James Fantasy. That's all for now on this episode of
Iheartfasouth Coast, proudly supported by the New South Wales Government.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
iHeart Far South Coast
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