Pirates: Totalus Rankium

Pirates: Totalus Rankium

Lighthearted history podcast ranking all of the Golden Age Pirates. Brought to you by the same people who created Roman Emperors Totalus Rankium and American President Totalus Rankium

Episodes

September 3, 2025 81 mins

In a change to the schedule, we are looking at one of the most notorious pirates this week: Charles Vane! In part one we look at his life under one of the father's of golden age piracy - Captain Jennings. 

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Howel Davies is here. He may not be a popular as Bonnet or Blackbeard, but he has a story! Join us as we review the con man of the seas.

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August 6, 2025 41 mins

After the heights of Blackbeard and Bonnet we have the story of Whorley. Will he go down as one of the greats? No. Did we have fun talking about him? Yep!

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July 24, 2025 94 mins

We have met Blackbeard - the most notorious pirate in history. But now let's meet the man behind the man. The gentleman in a dressing gown and bunny rabbit slippers. It's time to look at Stede Bonnet!

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July 9, 2025 108 mins

Last time we covered the life of Blackbeard before he was famous. This time? Well, it's time to understand why he is the most famous pirate of all time!

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June 25, 2025 83 mins

It's the big one! Or at least the first half of the big one! Find out just why Blackbeard is the only pirate Jamie has heard of. We cover his early career under the notorious Captain Hornigold!

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June 11, 2025 78 mins

We are still in the Golden age! So does that mean more Sam Bellamy level antics? ... well, no. But we cover the history of Nassau. so that's good. 

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May 29, 2025 106 mins

Oh, we have hit the Golden Golden age now! This is what we signed up for. Black Flags, Skull and cross bones, parrots! Levels of nudity that would ensure HBO would have to make the TV version! Black Sam has it all. 

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May 14, 2025 71 mins

This week we go off script. We are not coving a pirate from the General History - but instead we are coving a man who will be popping up a lot in the future: None other than the pirate hunter Woods Rogers! And we try and answer the simple question: Woods Rogers?

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April 30, 2025 90 mins

We come to the end of the Pirate Round. North is perfect as he Forrest Gumps his way around the Indian Ocean. Let's do one last round before the Golden Age really begins!

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April 16, 2025 63 mins

What happens when a Welsh farm boy is abandoned naked on the shore of Madagascar? Probably piratey shenanigans! Probably.  

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April 2, 2025 67 mins

After having the good man of piracy with Halesy last time, we now go to the bad man of piracy. Was he a pirate? Was he a slaver? Find out!

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March 19, 2025 88 mins

Who is John Halsey? Is he the nice man of piracy? Does he have a plan? Where did all the dragons come from? Find out in this episode!

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March 5, 2025 81 mins

What to do with a pirate we are not 100% sure was real? Cover him anyway and hope for the best! Check out Bluesky and facebook to see the images connected to this episode. https://bsky.app/profile/totalusrankium.bsky.social/post/3ljl7gf5k2c24

https://bsky.app/profile/totalusrankium.bsky.social/post/3ljl7iflrb224

 

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February 19, 2025 112 mins

Our pirate from last episode had a fellow pirate captain that he worked with. But was Bowen better than Howard? Did he take more ships? Did he instil more fear? Why should he look out for red fish? And does anyone know how to make a Tom Collins around here? Find out all the answers to these questions!

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February 5, 2025 95 mins

We enter the dark ages of our series where the names are not so well known. We have only the general history to rely on but does this mean Howard will be dull? Or is he a hidden gem? Find out!

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January 22, 2025 105 mins

Our third pirate is one of the most famous pirates of the time. He may not be too well known now, but back in pirate times he was up there with the best of them. But why? What makes Kidd so special? And more importantly, do we finally have a good ship name?

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January 8, 2025 86 mins

Our second pirate is the aptly named Thomas Tew. We saw Tew in Avery's episode when Avery took command of the pirate fleet. But how did Tew do on the attack? And just how friendly was his ship? Find out!

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December 26, 2024 81 mins

So it begins! Join us as we look at the first pirate we will be covering. The pirate all other pirates wanted to be, the Robin Hood of the seas, it's Henry Avery! (or Every. or Everie. or... never mind, spelling was optional back then)

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December 25, 2024 47 mins

Welcome to the introduction episode for Pirates: Totalus Rankium! We are going to be ranking all the Golden Age pirates found in The General History of Pirates. Join us as we lightheartedly look at each one in turn. 30 pirates, but which one is the best? Find out!

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