A Life, Folded

Shattered. Destroyed. Broken. These were words I used to think most accurately described me. I felt that I was beyond repair and healing. Betrayal trauma had claimed me, body and soul, and I would never be the same again. But there is hope to reclaim our true selves and build a strong foundation of self-love and trust such that we can be assured that we will be okay no matter what our partner chooses or what other difficult situati...

Narcissists and other unhealthy partners can take the most helpful and benign concepts and weaponize them to manipulate, control, and devalue. This episode explores how my ex-husband used the book The Five Love Languages to push his self-serving agenda. In the guise of his self-appointed "gifts of service", he completely dismissed my actual, communicated needs. This left me feeling worthless and unlovable. 

#alifefolded #weaponized...

Entering therapy with a narcissist is done most often with sincere effort by the partner, but can, and usually will be, used against them. The concerns around therapy with a narcissist range from the annoying to the frustrating to the dangerous. Narcissists don't believe they need to change and weaponize therapy to manipulate, demean, and control. Listen to learn more and to protect yourself against further pain and confusion at th...

One of the most unconscionable types of abuse that can be endured is spiritual abuse. For many of us, our spiritual lives and connection to a higher power are the foundations of our existence. This essential relationship helps us make sense of our lives and can even enable and enhance our understand and comfort levels after loss. Spirituality can lead us to feel secure, safe, and with a desire to rise up and be the very best people...

After being betrayed or living in an unhealthy relationship, many people lament, "Yes, but if I leave my partner, who else will ever love me?" While understandable, this type of thinking can be dangerous in perpetuating further toxic relationships. This episode discusses why it is essential to your happiness to leave this type of mentality in the past and where the source of true love lies. 

#alifefolded #betrayaltrauma #betrayaltr...

Cuts. Jabs. Barbs. Narcissists excel at them all. Malignant narcissists can be quite overt in their cruel comments. However, most narcissists are more elegant, sinister, and insidious in their hurtful jabs. They might be hard to recognize as long as you are in the relationship. Because they have intently studied you, they know right where your pain points are. They have a knack of subtly slashing at your core, leaving you feeling l...

"It takes two to tango!" "Well, there are two sides to every story." The insinuation in these types of statements can be highly shaming to a victim of insidious narcissistic abuse. It is most often true that the vast majority of relationships are ended through issues from both partners. However, it is not always so black and white. People may be afraid to say it out loud, because of victim shaming and lack of understanding, but man...

Love bombing is a classic technique used by manipulative narcissists. The hallmarks are usually excessive praise, compliments, and inappropriately expensive gifts. The aim is to ensnare the victim during this small moment of happiness so the devaluation and discard phase can be all the more cruel and wounding. But did you know that love bombing is tailored to the potential victim? It may look nothing like the commonly accepted over...

When I first began navigating healing after betrayal trauma and the resultant narcissistic discard, I didn't know what to do. I was not raised to think that something like self-care would be anything other than selfish and self-centered. How do you try to take care of yourself when you've never done it before and now you are shattered, body and soul?

I read articles and tried many ideas that others reported worked miracles worked f...

When I first learned about my husband's betrayal, all I could think was: How could my best friend do this to me? I hear this lament so often and it is heartbreaking. I spent many years ruminating on this question and wasting precious time blaming myself. Eventually facing hard truths, I examined what true friends do and do not do. This episode exams some of the tenants of devoted friendship. The realities of my decades-long relatio...

After you have been abused, manipulated, and discarded by the narcissist in your life, the inevitable follows...they have a new source of supply immediately. This episode builds on episode 11: Why Does the Narcissist Move on so Quickly? The narcissist will have a new source of fuel immediately and make you aware of how easily replaceable you are in ways both insidious and public. Then comes the crushing dilemma: should I try to sav...

One of the most confusing and dizzying experiences that can happen when navigating complicated relationships with narcissists occurs generally right after, or during, the cruel narcissistic discard. They move on. Immediately. But why? How can your long-term relationship and love for them be so meaningless? Did you have absolutely no worth to them?

The answers to these questions can be painful, compelling...and ultimately emotionall...

Most people think about grief in connection with death, and certainly there is much to grieve when we lose someone. But when I found out that my decades-long marriage was a sham, I was plunged into the darkest, and most long lasting, grief of my life. Yet, people did not understand what I was experiencing and why. Once again, I felt different and outside. Like my grief was not valid because I was not grappling with losing someone t...

It is an excuse we have all heard often. When a partner is caught cheating by using porn, the initial refrain is usually something to the effect of, "What's the big deal? It has nothing to do with my feelings toward you. All men do it. It's just a way of blowing off steam." Then, the gaslighting goes on, "Men are far more visual than women. So, you wouldn't understand."

Hogwash!

I'll admit that for a long time, I believed this ridi...

After you have been betrayed and hurt by your partner, or anyone for that matter, you may go into "fight, flight, or freeze" whenever you see them. No matter how much you prepared beforehand. After doing recovery work, why does this still happen? And, what can be done about it?

In this episode, Lainey discusses how she learned that it is totally normal to have a heightened and emotional trauma response when confronted with someone ...

DARVO is a commonly used tactic in society today, where people often try to deny taking accountability. However, this tactic is a common occurrence for a Cluster B Personality Disordered individual, such as a Narcissist. 

DARVO stands for:

D-Deny

A-Attack

then the RVO

Reverse the victim and offender

DARVO is another crazy-making tactic of the narcissist. You bring up a valid concern in a vulnerable manner seeking to communicate eff...

Here are some often used dismissive comments about porn: All men use porn. It doesn't hurt anyone. It has nothing to do with my love for you. It just helps me blow off steam.

Nonsense.

Porn kills love, decimates self-esteems, is escalating and addictive, deprives your family of your attention, and fuels the human trafficking trade. Porn is always, always cheating. When you are seeking intimacy outside a committed relationship, you ...

When you experience intimate betrayal, it is common to also have a resultant faith crisis. Why did God let this happen? Why didn't He intervene so that you wouldn't have to experience such profound hurt? Does He not love you anymore? Why have you been abandoned by those you love and trusted most? This is a dark and lonely space, and it is a completely normal reaction after experiencing betrayal trauma. In this episode, Lainey discu...

D-Day is short for Discovery Day. It's the horrible moment you will most likely remember in minute detail for the rest of your life. The day you found out the person you loved and trusted the most has been unfaithful. It is shocking and unimaginably traumatic.

And, once you make this shattering discovery, who do you turn to? The partner you trusted the most, the person you shared everything with, has shattered your heart. The pers...