January 20, 2025 • 96 mins
What if witnessing miracles could transform your understanding of faith and unity? Join us on a spiritually enriching journey as we recount the miraculous events of a recent crusade in El Salvador. The Holy Ghost touched the lives of 1,150 individuals, and the restoration of sight for 1,034 blind individuals brought awe and inspiration. Bishop Hermudez and the dedicated National Church team showcased their unwavering commitment, fostering a powerful sense of togetherness and divine intervention among believers from across 15 states, 19 cities, and two countries.
Marriage as a path to holiness might seem daunting, but what if it were a tool for spiritual growth and self-reflection? We explore how healthy conflict and love in relationships can lead us to a more Christ-like life. Drawing insights from Gary Thomas, we discuss how seeing our spouse as a mirror highlighting our weaknesses can be transformative. Through stories and thoughtful insights, we delve into the complexities of communication in marriage, especially when trauma is involved, and emphasize the importance of vulnerability, understanding, and the pursuit of sanctification.
Communication remains the cornerstone of successful marriages, but how can we master it amidst daily challenges? Discover practical tools like the "wish list" method for expressing needs assertively, and the daily check-in to strengthen your connection. With insights from the Dear Young Married Couples podcast, we explore how regular conversations can prevent misunderstandings and nurture a healthier relationship. As we wrap up, we express gratitude for our communal spirit, encouraging continued growth and engagement in personal and shared spiritual journeys. Join us next week as we continue to explore these transformative topics.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Thank you God, Thank you Jesus.
Bless this session, Bless ourtranslators today.
God, In the name of Jesus,Hallelujah.
Praise the name of the Lord.
Well, praise the Lord everybody, and welcome to Apostolic
(00:23):
Mentoring.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Well, praise the Lord everybody, and welcome to
Apostolic.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Mentoring.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
I greet you in the mighty name of Jesus from San
Salvador, el Salvador, and wehad a great crusade here this
week.
Actually, we got to be in allfour regions of El Salvador.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
And it was such an exciting time to be a part of
the work of the Lord all acrossthis region and I'm excited to
bring you the report of the Lord, as always, the.
Lord filled 1,150 with the HolyGhost.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
We had 243 children get the Holy Ghost.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
We had 243 children get the Holy Ghost.
We had such a ridiculous coolamount of miracles and I just
have to tell you one of themright now because it gave room
for all the others.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
Yes, one of the members, a brother of California
rock, just destroyed his lefteye and took his vision.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
Il a eu un accident qui a touché la partie de son
visage et ça a bloqué sa vision.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
But one year ago the Lord told him he was going to
heal him through the fire.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Et il y a un an, le Seigneur l'a dit qu'il allait le
guérir à travers le feu.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
And he said I didn't even know what that meant.
And then last Sunday night,before they traveled to El
Salvador, the Lord said beforeyou leave El Salvador, you will
have your vision restored.
So Wednesday, before the crusadewe were up on the mountaintop
(02:48):
in El Petal it's a mountaincalled El Petal and we began to
pray as a team, in the spirit ofthe Lord.
The fire of God fell on thatmountain.
Matter of fact, we had visitorson the mountain, people that
(03:08):
were just there not with ourgroup that came over in the
midst of our prayer meeting andthe Holy Ghost just fell on them
on the mountain.
But in the midst of that welaid our hands on Brother Monks
and God miraculously opened hisblind eye.
So here's what's crazy.
(03:33):
So every single crusade, inevery region, we had Brother
Monks share his testimony aboutGod opening the blinded eyes.
So we intentionally broughtblind people to the altar in
(03:53):
every crusade because of thefaith that was built through
that testimony.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
Just get ready for this.
It's going to blow your mind.
We had 1,034 blind peoplereceive their sight.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
We had 516 people that had various mobility issues
that God healed their arms,their legs, whatever.
337 deaf people received theirhearing, 192 testimonies of
(04:45):
people who had tumors thatdisappeared when we prayed.
We had about 10,840 people thatwere in attendance in all four
crusades four crusades.
(05:07):
We want to give honor to theNational Church of El Salvador
and Bishop Hermudez.
What a great man of God and agreat leadership team.
We also want to give honor tothe crusade team that was here
boots on the ground in ElSalvador.
We had 42 team members.
(05:34):
They were from 15 states, 19cities and two countries cities
and two countries.
But wow, what a great time wehad.
It was the last crusade of theyear.
Speaker 2 (05:54):
I'm excited to go home and be done, but today is
just an incredibly awesome day.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
If y'all ain't a part of or subscribe to the Dear
Young Married Couples podcastyou're like Brother Yacoub, you
just don't care.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
That's a stab at our Arabic translator.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
today Our Arabic translator decided to tell
everybody on Apostolic Mentoringthat his favorite podcast is
Dairy Young Married Couples.
What kind of a friend are you?
That's not even a good friend.
We love Brother Yaacoub.
He's a great friend of mine,great man of God.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
But we have.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
Brother Adam, sister Carissa King with us today, and
Sister Robinette already told meto behave and I'm not doing
good at it.
But unlike Yacoub, I didn'tknow about dear young married
couples until August this year.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
And in August my wife and I got connected to Dear
Young Married Couples and wewere like, wow, these people are
amazing and we've been married.
My wife and I, 30 years, justcelebrated our 30-year
anniversary.
And we were getting ready to goon a cruise for our anniversary
(08:00):
and Sister Robinette pulls outthese help your marriage cards.
Ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
I mean, come on, if it ain't broke, don't fix it
right.
Speaker 2 (08:18):
Isn't that the way to do everything?
So she gets these cards out,and she got one group of cards
which is called Sensation and Ithink one was called
Realizations, and I found outthey had another set of cards
(08:44):
that she didn't bring and I'mgonna make you go figure that
out yourself, because sisterrobinette's already texted me
saying you better behave, pal.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
But every day on our anniversary we would draw two
cards out of this deck of cardseach and we would have these
amazing conversations and justamazing opportunities to explore
and expand our relationship.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
Chaque jour, lors de notre croisière, on a pu tirer
deux cartes chacun et on a euces grandes discussions pour
aller au-delà de notre relation.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
Now I'm not going to lie to you, je ne vais pas vous
mentir.
The Realizations cards my wifeloved them.
La carte de la sensation maépouse les a aimées.
But the sensation cards boy,those, are a blessing Amen.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
C'est la même chose pour la carte de la sensation.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
And so, as a matter of fact, I have been carrying
this card with me ever since Idrew it in Turkey.
This is my rainy day card, andI, just every once in a while, I
need to pull this out, and youknow whatever.
(10:03):
And I, just every once in awhile, I need to pull this out,
and you know whatever.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
But, oh my goodness, Brother and Sister King, ever
since we got connected to yourpodcast and ever since we got,
you know, started using thesecool, really amazing cards, it
just has been so awesome.
And not that people don't havea great marriage already, not
(10:44):
that you're not already bestfriends, like my wife and I.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
I threw that in there because I might need help.
At the end I needed to saywe're best friends.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
That was a setup for later.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
But you know what?
Speaker 2 (11:02):
My pastor used to say you know, as the family goes,
so goes the church.
And he'd say, but as themarriage goes, so goes the
ministry.
And here we are, all in thelast days wanting to do great
things for God, and we got ourmarriages on autopilot and we
(11:30):
think everything's great because, man, if it ain't broke, don't
fix it.
And yet there are so many morethings that your marriage can be
than just not broke.
Why not just let it keepgetting better?
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Why not just keep falling deeper in love?
Why not just keep exploringways to build your relationship?
And so today, every year, wetry to have somebody on to talk
to marriages on apostolicmentoring.
But I got to tell everybody yougot to get connected to this
(12:18):
great dear young married couplespodcast.
Christmas is right upon you andthere are these three.
There's great resources ontheir website which I'm going to
share in the chat, as I alwaysdo.
But if you don't buy all threedecks of these cards and give it
(12:46):
to your spouse as a Christmaspresent, you are doing a
disservice to yourself.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
And if you don't buy these three cards to give them
to your wife, you are notserving yourself.
Speaker 1 (12:57):
Sister Robinette and I had so much fun with these
decks of cards, she better bebuying me the third set for
Christmas.
Mr Robinette, you better buythe third set that you didn't
tell me they had.
There's actually two more sets,Mr Robinette you've been
(13:20):
holding out on me, so I want tojust turn this over to Brother
and Sister King.
We love you.
We haven't even got to meetface-to-face yet, but I look
forward to the opportunity wherewe get to.
Please, whatever you want to dotoday, do it, and I'll try to
behave.
Speaker 3 (13:40):
Hey, you know chaos is sometimes fun, so I think we
just want to tell you thank youso much for trusting us and
inviting us on your podcast.
And I'm really excited about it.
Speaker 4 (13:57):
Thank you so much.
This is an honor to link armswith you, Brother Robinette, and
your whole team.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
Merci, Frère Robinette C'est un honneur de
pouvoir avancer ensemble, avecvous et votre équipe.
Speaker 4 (14:09):
I just love your spirit and your enthusiasm for
the kingdom work and how youhave managed to bring such an
incredible group of peopletogether.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
J'aime votre enthousiasme et votre travail
pour le royaume et comment vousavez réussi à maintenir ce
groupe pour le travail, and Igive honor to all the ministry
and saints of God andmissionaries that are listening
today.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
And my word, give honor to God too, just for just
how amazing that crusade was.
It was serious.
So, so special.
Well, we're going to talk aboutmarriage and we're excited we
could go in 15 differentdirections today, but sometimes
(15:03):
if you try to take all thosepaths, you get nothing done.
So we wanted to focus oncommunication and get really
practical for all of you andkind of share some of our
(15:25):
passion for marriage and giveyou some tools.
Speaker 4 (15:32):
First, we want to begin with one of the most
powerful commands that Jesusever gave his followers, and
that's in John 13, verse 35.
He said by this, everyone willknow that you are my disciples
(15:54):
if you love one another.
So the Greek word that Jesusused here for love is agape.
And this love is not aboutemotion or attraction, but it's
(16:19):
about selflessness and sacrificeand commitment.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
It's a love that really mirrors the very heart of
God.
Speaker 3 (16:51):
And it's a great idea , but it's difficult for us as
fallen human beings toaccomplish.
I think for us English speakersit's even more difficult
because love only has a widerange of meanings.
Like I could say I love my dog,I love coffee.
(17:16):
I love golfing and fishing and Ilove God and we all know that
these are very kind of separateand different sorts of love.
I guess thank God for Greek andhow the Bible is written,
(17:38):
there's a little bit moreclarity in what we see in
scriptures when we talk aboutlove, in what we see in
scriptures when we talk aboutlove.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
Il y a plus de clarté dans ce que vous voyez dans les
écritures quand nous parlons del'amour.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
And it's really interesting seeing Christians
because we see people in ourpractice with marriage
counseling.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
Et c'est intéressant de voir les critères, parce que
nous voyons des gens dans notregroupe avec des conseillers de
mariage.
Speaker 3 (18:00):
That's what we do for a living.
We see people that arestruggling in their marriage,
working through addiction orbroken trust and sometimes just
trying to get better at life.
(18:21):
And we see Christians that loveJesus but are having a really
hard time communicating to theirwife in a meaningful way.
So it's really easy to show upto church and lift your hands
(18:44):
and say you know, jesus, I loveyou so much I'll do anything you
tell me to do.
You know, if you can useanybody, use me.
But love kind of you know itgets practical when you go home
(19:05):
and start to try to love yourwife.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
Mais l'amour devient pratique quand vous rentrez chez
vous et que vous essayezd'aimer votre femme.
Speaker 3 (19:13):
And what we see here in John 13, 35.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
Ce que nous voyons ici dans John 13, 35.
Speaker 3 (19:20):
Where it says that people are supposed to look at
our love for each other and, todraw it down a little bit,
people should be able to look atmy marriage and discern that I
(19:41):
am a disciple of Christ.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
And discern that I am a disciple of Christ and I'm
convinced that not everybody'smarriage in the church could do
that.
Could be a billboard for Christjust by looking at their
marriage.
So there's practical ways ofdoing that.
(20:11):
But we want to share someprinciples before we get into
practicality, because reallythere's no better place to
practice the God they love thanin the marriage.
One of our favorite authorswho's gone on to be with the
(20:31):
Lord, is named Tim Keller.
We wouldn't endorse all of histheology, but he has a lot of
good things to say aboutmarriage and one of his most
popular books and most impactingbooks is called the Meaning of
Marriage, and in this book hereminds us that marriage is not
(20:59):
a contract but a covenant.
Speaker 4 (21:01):
So you know, a contract says if I do my part,
if you do your part, I'll do mypart.
Speaker 2 (21:10):
It's contractual, Whereas a covenant says I am
committed to you no matter what.
Speaker 4 (21:20):
It's really that agape love that you know in John
3, 16, god so loved the world.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
That's a one-way kind of love.
Speaker 4 (21:34):
Even when we don't love him back, he shows us that
agape selfless love.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
When God makes a covenant, it's not based on
merit or performance.
Speaker 4 (22:03):
And as Tim.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
Keller says, to be loved but not known is
comforting but superficial.
But to be known and not lovedis our greatest fear.
But to be fully known and trulyloved is a lot like being loved
(22:27):
by God.
It really helps us get out ofour pretense and our
self-righteousness and itfortifies us for anything that
life throws at us.
And in marriage we're fullyknown the good, the bad, the
(22:51):
ugly, and we're still called tolove each other unconditionally.
And this mirrors the gospel,where God sees our deepest flaws
(23:11):
and he still loves ussacrificially.
Speaker 3 (23:15):
Boy, doesn't that just sound so ideal, right.
But all of us humans here thatare on this Zoom call know that
living out this sort ofcovenantal love is not easy,
(23:38):
because sacrifice isn't easy,and we see that Jesus gave
himself up for the church and heis teaching us through this of
how we ought to love our wife.
Ephesians chapter 5 says thathusbands are supposed to love
(24:03):
their wife, as Christ loved thechurch.
So when your marriage gets hardor you don't see eye to eye,
(24:27):
we're supposed to be giving andselfless and patient in a way
that reflects God's love for us.
So it's the template, so we wantto.
We just kind of want to unpackthat a little bit today.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
So we just kind of want to unpack that a little bit
today.
We also just want to thank toour translators for translating
for us here.
It's not always easy breakingup your thoughts into bite-sized
pieces.
Speaker 4 (25:03):
And especially when you're going back and forth
between two people.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
So thank you.
So, we want to talk a littlebit about just how there's a
cost to covenant love.
Think about your last argumentwith your spouse, which, by the
(25:32):
way, arguing conflict is healthy.
Speaker 4 (25:35):
When we hear the occasional person who's like
I've never argued with my wife.
Speaker 3 (25:40):
We have heard this too.
Speaker 4 (25:42):
We are disturbed by that.
Speaker 2 (25:55):
Well, because argument really means a
different perspective on life.
Speaker 3 (25:59):
So if that person isn't expressing, we know that
they're not contributing youknow in a relationship isn't
expressing.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
we know that they're not contributing, parce que nous
savons que si personnen'exprime pas ce qu'elle ressent
, elle ne contribue pas.
Speaker 3 (26:08):
You know, in a relationship there is always
supposed to be mutuality.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
Dans la relation, il y a toujours quelque chose de
mutuel.
Speaker 3 (26:17):
A giving and taking.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
Le fait de donner et de prendre Reminds me of John,
the disciple who Jesus loved.
It could be actually, when youlook into the Greek in that
(26:39):
scripture, there.
Speaker 3 (26:40):
You could actually read it out.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
It says, the disciple whom Jesus loved, who loved him
back.
So selfless, one-sided love iswonderful, but it's beautiful
(27:08):
when there's a mutuality, aloving back of someone.
I think that's why John calledhimself the Beloved because he
wanted to express that there wasreciprocity there in his love
that he had back toward Christ.
Speaker 4 (27:27):
You guys know that most of the New Testament was
spoken in Aramaic, even thoughwe read it in the written
language of Greek.
We've been talking about agape.
Love John 3.16 when it says Godso loved the world, that's
agape.
Love John 3, 16,.
When it says God so loved theworld, that's agape written in
the Greek, but in the Aramaicwhen it was spoken.
(27:56):
That Aramaic word was chav.
It means the same thing asagape.
It's one way.
It's unconditional love thatgoes from one source to another,
like God to us.
But the Aramaic word in Johnwhen he refers to himself as the
(28:19):
beloved or the disciple whomJesus loved, it's a different
Aramaic word, it's Raham, andthat means a reciprocated love,
a love that goes both ways andso, just like Christ with us, it
(28:51):
functions best when we havethat reciprocal love but he will
love us unconditionally even ifwe demand someone to love back
(29:14):
in the way that we want it to beexpressed.
Speaker 3 (29:23):
But that's why we have, in sickness and in health,
the vows to always be there.
And it's frustrating when wefeel like we're giving out or
giving a lot of love and notreceiving much back.
And this is where we seemarriages start to break down.
(29:49):
Gary Thomas, who's one of ourfavorite writers on marriage, he
asked this.
He said what if God designedmarriage to make us holy more
(30:12):
than to make us happy?
Speaker 2 (30:27):
And if we could start to see our marriage as a
training ground for agape, Ithink a lot of Christians would
be a better witness in the world.
Because it's easy for me tosmile and say I love you,
(30:50):
brother in church, and paste ona smile.
That's maybe not very genuine.
But how do you love your spousewhen you don't agree?
Or maybe there's some distance.
Speaker 4 (31:26):
How do we bring us back into reconciliation and
have that reciprocity of love?
I think that's truly why Godcreated marriage.
Marriage is a tool forsanctification At parenting as
well.
How many parents do we have outthere?
We have a five and aseven-year-old and boy.
(31:46):
Parenting is a tool forsanctification and marriage also
is a tool for oursanctification.
It's where our selfishness isconfronted, Our patience is
(32:10):
tested and our capacity forforgiveness is stretched
forgiveness is stretched.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
It's a daily practice of dying to ourselves and
living for someone else.
Speaker 4 (32:31):
So in this way, marriage becomes a training
ground for holiness.
It's a space where we learn toembody the fruit of the Spirit,
Everything that love is,everything that God is love, joy
(32:53):
, peace, patience, kindness,goodness, faithfulness, all the
fruit of the Spirit, Especiallythose last two gentleness and
self-control.
As we practice these virtuesand this fruit of the Spirit in
our marriage, we become betterequipped to reflect Christ in
(33:21):
every area of our lives.
Speaker 3 (33:28):
I think because we tend to deceive ourselves.
I mean, jeremiah says the heartis deceitful above all things
and desperately wicked.
Who could know it?
But when your spouse isstanding in front of you and
(33:50):
saying, hey, you weren't verynice.
I wish you were a little bitmore patient.
I wish you put our needs, thefamily's, first instead of doing
all the other things.
Can we take influence from thatperson?
(34:13):
Can we slow down and saving theworld, maybe, and make sure
that our family is safe?
And so just, we want tochallenge you to see your
(34:35):
marriage not as just anotherthing we have to keep well.
Speaker 2 (34:48):
Or it's not just a thing you should do.
Speaker 3 (34:52):
But it's something we can really embrace as a tool
for making us closer to Jesuscloser to Jesus, because it
really does shine a spotlight onour weaknesses.
Gary Thomas.
In another place in his book hesaid this the best wedding gift
(35:18):
that God ever gave me was afull-length mirror called my
spouse.
So when we're asked to changesomething, we should be thankful
that they would share that withus.
Speaker 2 (35:46):
Because it's not just a spouse that is unapproachable
or unpleasable, I should say,but maybe that spouse is moving
us closer to holiness.
Speaker 3 (36:05):
And helping us mold our image into a closer image
that would reflect Jesus.
Speaker 2 (36:14):
I think this is truly one of our weaknesses in the
apostolic church one of ourweaknesses in the Apostolic
Church, that is, the lack ofemphasis on a sanctified life.
We praise God for the emphasison regeneration and salvation.
Speaker 4 (36:45):
I mean, that's incredible.
Speaker 2 (36:51):
Thousands upon thousands can gather and receive
the Holy Ghost in a week'sworth of time in El Salvador.
Speaker 4 (37:00):
It's absolutely incredible and we praise God for
these supernatural eventstaking place, and God has called
us to a continued life ofsanctification and holiness.
Speaker 3 (37:22):
Which sometimes is quite a miracle.
When Adam can be selfless, it'sjust not as easy or not as
recognized as a miracle.
If I become more like Jesus,it's harder to recognize.
Speaker 4 (37:46):
So if we could emphasize, at least in our own
lives as leaders and ministers,if we could emphasize the
holiness, the sanctificationjourney, and starting with our
own marriage.
How will people know thatyou're my disciples?
(38:06):
By the love that you show onetoward another.
And if we could emphasize thatin our own marriage, how much
more of a work of God could wedo in the field?
How much more wholeness that'sanother word for holiness how
(38:34):
much more wholeness could takeplace from the broken pieces
that people come in to know theLord with?
Speaker 2 (38:55):
So let's jump into some tools of how this could
actually play out in a marriage.
Speaker 3 (38:58):
And, by the way, if you guys have questions for us,
we would love to hear them,because we are used to working
with people face to face.
Speaker 2 (39:10):
Nous aimerions les entendre parce que nous avons
l'habitude de travailler face à face.
So our 9 to 5 working is withcouples, helping them on the
spot work through things youknow, at 17 hours in the same on
the radio, with the jump on thepath on Caesar so that's where
we're comfortable.
Speaker 3 (39:28):
So if you have a question, type it in the chat,
and we'd love to have brotherRobinette read some to us and
you see we have a question onthe other side in the pool if
the liquor that come on Terry.
Speaker 4 (39:41):
One area of marriage that people often find most
challenging when it comes topractically working on it is the
area of communication.
They know that communication isgood to work on, but they don't
(40:02):
know how to work on it.
Speaker 3 (40:08):
And they probably heard the whole part about you
ought to love your wife and showher grace and all these things.
Speaker 2 (40:23):
But they're not quite sure what to do.
Speaker 4 (40:25):
And in that same passage.
Speaker 2 (40:27):
By the way, ladies, wives are called to respect
their husbands.
And I think there's a reasonwhy Paul told the church at
Ephesus husbands love your wivesand wives respect your husbands
(40:47):
, Instead of just saying ingeneral everybody love and
respect your spouse.
Because, ladies need to work onrespect.
Speaker 4 (41:03):
True, though he gave specific instructions to each
spouse based on the area of need.
What doesn't come as naturallyto us?
Speaker 2 (41:12):
He gives instructions to each one according to their
needs, which doesn't come to usnaturally.
Speaker 4 (41:18):
Women are natural nurturers, and so it's easy to
show love toward our husband.
It's a lot harder to showrespect, and so the tools that
we want to share with you todaywill help you, ladies, show
(41:39):
respect in the way that youcommunicate with your husband.
And likewise for husbands to beable to show that they cherish
their wives.
That's what she needs mostdeeply from you.
Speaker 3 (42:01):
And in the same way we want to show our spouses how
to love their wives, becausethat's what they need the most.
Speaker 2 (42:08):
So we have some tools that we think would be very
helpful for you to apply.
One of these we have been usingfor about 14 years and we've
(42:29):
been married for almost 17 years.
Speaker 3 (42:31):
So it would have been very helpful if someone would
have shown us these things atthe very beginning.
Speaker 2 (42:36):
They always have been happy beginning, they always
haven't been happy.
Speaker 3 (42:47):
So the first is called the wish list.
Speaker 2 (42:56):
We've discovered that people have a difficult time
bringing up an issue.
Speaker 3 (43:07):
And couples definitely have certain traits
or ways of going about things.
Now we're going to give somegeneralities, so it doesn't
apply to everybody, but theseare sort of what happens with
men and women, so women tend tobe maybe a little bit more
(43:33):
critical around the marriagearound the marriage.
And guys tend to be a little bitmore defensive.
Withdraw, right, or is thisjust me?
So how do we help women be moregentle in their criticism so
(44:07):
that men can actually take it inand receive it, Because some of
those criticisms can be helpful?
Speaker 2 (44:16):
Not all, because some of these criticisms can help.
Speaker 3 (44:24):
Not all.
And then how can men take inthose things, though without
defensiveness?
Speaker 2 (44:35):
And that's what we want to teach.
So would Brother and SisterRobinette like to jump on and we
can counsel them on theirmarriage.
Speaker 3 (44:47):
Here I'm just joking.
Speaker 4 (44:49):
So if you guys have a pen and paper or a digital way
of taking notes, go ahead andpull that out and we want you to
write down this stem.
That can be really helpful insharing something that you wish
your spouse would change.
Speaker 2 (45:09):
Nous voulons que vous notiez cette chose, qui serait
très utile pour aider dans lechangement de l'époux ou
l'épousin.
Speaker 4 (45:16):
So here's the stem.
It says I wish that blank andif that happened I would feel
blank.
So what this does for theperson who's speaking is it
(45:47):
really helps them to beassertive with?
Their need without beingaggressive with their need.
To be assertive is not to beaggressive par rapport à leurs
besoins.
Speaker 2 (46:02):
To be assertive is not to be aggressive, D'être
très déterminant ce n'est pasêtre agressif.
Speaker 4 (46:06):
The research is very clear that marriages where both
members of the marriage areassertive are the most
successful.
Speaker 2 (46:15):
La vérité est que les mariages qui ont le plus de
communication et decommunication sont ceux qui ont
le plus de succès.
I actually was just talking tosomebody and that the marriages
that have the most communication, and communication are the ones
that have the most success.
This weekend I talked tosomeone who challenged me and
said isn't this just culturalLike?
(46:43):
Does this cross the idea ofassertiveness being good?
Does this cross culturalboundaries?
And the research shows thatacross the board, it does help
to be assertive in your marriage.
Speaker 3 (46:59):
I mean, we've taught these tools from Japan to Jordan
and they help.
On s'est mis ceux-là du Japonau Jordanie et ça a vraiment
aidé.
Speaker 2 (47:19):
So how you approach your spouse does matter.
When you're asking forsomething to change, Votre
manière d'approcher votre épouxou épouse va aider quand vous
aurez la demande de quelquechose qui a besoin de changer.
Speaker 3 (47:27):
So researchers found that they could predict the
outcome of a conversation withinthe first three minutes of that
conversation starting.
Speaker 2 (47:38):
Les chercheurs ont découvert qu'ils peuvent voir
quel sera le résultat de laconversation juste trois minutes
après le début de cetteconversation, minutes of that
conversation starting.
Everybody here knows that theydon't argue for three minutes.
I mean maybe if you're supersanctified.
But generally we have to workout our disagreements and it
(48:07):
takes some time.
But how you go into thatdiscussion absolutely matters
for the outcome, because guyskind of their style is, hey,
(48:28):
only come to me if it's reallybad.
Speaker 3 (48:30):
I'm just saying in general, right.
Speaker 2 (48:38):
We avoid hard conversations like that.
Generally we say stuff like ah,it's not worth it.
Yeah, if it's not broken, don'tfix it.
Speaker 3 (48:54):
As you were saying earlier, and I think that's how
we kind of look at it right,Like hey, we're kind of
functioning.
Speaker 2 (49:06):
Let's just leave it there.
Speaker 3 (49:08):
But women are like no , this little thing could be a
lot better and I need you tochange it tomorrow.
Speaker 2 (49:15):
But hey, and that sometimes feels like a big
attack on us.
So how do we slow it down andreceive the influence?
Speaker 4 (49:34):
So this could go either way.
The husband or the wife couldbe speaking with their assertive
wish, but when the speaker saysI wish that, blank, and if that
happened I would feel blank.
The listener needs a way torespond to that.
(50:00):
Now, brothers, your typicalresponse is to want to fix it or
avoid it altogether and justshut down.
Speaker 2 (50:18):
Or avoid it altogether and just shut down.
But, instead of fixing it, wehave a different template to
give you.
Speaker 4 (50:32):
So here's that template.
I hear you saying that you wishblank.
Speaker 2 (50:38):
That you wish blank.
And if that happened, you wouldfeel blank.
Speaker 4 (50:51):
And so what that does is, well, let's just do it.
Okay, let's just do it.
Speaker 3 (50:56):
Okay, normally we would have a couple come up on
stage or jump on the chat and wewould work with them so you
could see how it works.
But since that's difficult,we'll do it here.
Speaker 2 (51:13):
All right.
Speaker 3 (51:18):
And we never use fake wishes.
All right, so you want to goahead and go first?
Speaker 4 (51:28):
I'm going to put me on the spot with the wish Okay,
all right, babe, I wish thatlast night on our road trip back
home from Thanksgiving, thatwhen the kids were arguing quite
a bit in the backseat, I wishthat you would tag team with me
(51:48):
in trying to handle theirarguments.
Speaker 2 (52:11):
And if that happened I would feel a lot more
supported and connected in ourparenting.
So I'm going to reflect back toher what she said so she knows
that I did hear and I waslistening.
So I'm hearing you say that onthe way home yesterday the kids
(52:39):
were being crazy.
Speaker 3 (52:43):
And you wanted me to be a lot more engaged, rather
than let you handle it, tosupport you in that.
And now I'm going to give herthe emotion and you said, if
that happened, you'd feel moresupported and more like a team
(53:04):
in our parenting.
That is the whole system, rightthere.
Notice I'm not trying to fix it.
Speaker 2 (53:22):
Voyez que je ne me laissez pas le réparer.
Speaker 3 (53:25):
Yet.
Speaker 2 (53:27):
Encore, pas encore.
Speaker 3 (53:29):
But what we're doing is slowing it down enough so
that we're clearly communicatingwhat she wants and how I can
help her solve that.
Speaker 2 (53:39):
Mais ce que nous faisons, c'est que nous
ralentissons la situation afinque je lui donne une position Ã
parler, what she wants and how Ican help her solve that.
Speaker 3 (53:48):
She's giving me her expectations, really for next
time.
A lot of people live infrustration in their marriage.
Frustration is the result ofunmet or uncommunicated
expectations.
So this is why it's soimportant that we express hey,
(54:17):
this is how I'm feeling andhere's how I need you to help me
with that.
Speaker 2 (54:23):
And here's how I need you to help me with that.
And it's crucial especially forwomen, but really for both for
the person to feel heard, tofeel seen and heard.
So when you are speaking, whenyour spouse is speaking, it's
(54:52):
really important that you showthem you're attuned to what
they're saying, and thistemplate is a template not the
only one, but a template thatworks.
Speaker 4 (55:07):
Because the alternative is that I say babe,
it was so frustrating to me thatyou were just leaving me out
there alone to handle the kidslast night on the drive home,
and then the alternative to hisresponse would be something like
(55:29):
I was involved.
Yeah, I was involved.
What?
Speaker 3 (55:32):
are you talking about ?
Speaker 4 (55:33):
And I think we should just let them just figure it
out.
Speaker 3 (55:37):
Yeah, they're crazy.
They just need to like.
Speaker 4 (55:41):
Right, so this Go ahead Sorry.
Speaker 2 (55:48):
Translation Right.
So this Go ahead.
Sorry translation, and that's apretty typical non-violent,
non-escalated, pretty typicalconflict for a lot of people.
Speaker 4 (56:16):
But instead, if we use this language, the wish list
language, now I'm painting apicture of what I would like to
see happen.
Speaker 2 (56:26):
It's much more positive in nature and it's I
language instead of you language.
Speaker 4 (56:37):
Which is a lot easier for anybody to receive.
Speaker 3 (56:44):
So it slows it down.
I think that's the mostbeneficial part.
I'll often ask Chris.
I'll say hey, babe, I have awish for you.
It's now a good time to shareit with you.
Speaker 2 (57:01):
Babe, I have a wish for you.
It's now a good time to shareit with you, so I don't have to
hold in resentment or suppressfeelings of frustration.
Speaker 3 (57:19):
I'm immediately taking it to her and making it
right.
I just did this the other daywith her and she did this with
me last night.
But the power of it is thelanguage of it sends a flag of
(57:40):
like.
Now I'm stepping into somepre-ordered conversation.
Speaker 2 (57:48):
Mais le pouvoir de cela, c'est que cela fait lever
un drapeau, un signal, et quimène dans une conversation
pré-établie.
Speaker 3 (57:56):
And the outcome is pretty reliable.
Speaker 2 (57:59):
Et le résultat est vraiment fiable.
Speaker 3 (58:02):
Should we do?
Because, because, because, sure, okay, so this is a second tool
that we use if it's a littlebit of a deeper need.
Speaker 2 (58:11):
Voici un autre outil que nous utilisons si le besoin
est plus profond.
Speaker 3 (58:19):
Yes, so this is called.
You could write it down.
It's called because, because,because and this is empathy,
really.
By the way, if you leaders,when you were talking to someone
that came to you with adifficulty and you simply slowed
(58:47):
it down and said so can Irepeat this back to you to make
sure I heard you correctly?
It's a powerful tool just tohelp you give you a few moments
of capturing your own feelingsaround the situation and, at the
(59:15):
same time, validating them andhelping them feel heard.
I do this all the time when I'mworking with people, because a
lot of people expect themselvesto have a response immediately,
(59:39):
and not every situation issimple, so that's just kind of a
side note.
So because, because, because,here we go, this is a template
for empathy.
So your wish makes sense.
(01:00:00):
Because, make sense, becauseNow I have to think of a reason
why this makes sense.
You want me to be more activewith the kids.
Because, first, it causes you alot of stress To have to deal
with that load by yourself andit can feel very alone and
(01:00:31):
overwhelming to have both ofthem going crazy at the same
time and really it's not yourresponsibility on your own to
keep them in check to keep thementertained.
So it makes sense why you'd askme that.
(01:00:54):
So that's one.
Because the first thing off thetop of my mind Now I'm going to
try to like.
I normally ask people to pullfrom the next because from a,
(01:01:15):
from like a value or herchildhood.
Speaker 2 (01:01:36):
So from what I know about you, you have a high value
on being a team within themarriage and when that falls
short and you see me just optingout, even if I disagree how
you're handling it or whateverelse.
It doesn't communicate love toyou or care.
Speaker 3 (01:02:05):
And I'm going to do the last one.
And the last one makes sensebecause Sorry.
Speaker 2 (01:02:15):
So I'm going to do the last, because here and I'm
going to pull from a fear ofhers.
Speaker 3 (01:02:23):
So that also makes sense, because what if this
trend continues and Icontinually opt out of difficult
situations with the kids?
You don't want to be a singleparent, and so to see me like
(01:02:46):
just not participate is probablyfrustrating but also scary.
So that's just a quick oh, letme, I'll close it up.
This is how it works.
Speaker 2 (01:03:08):
Voix off-screen.
Speaker 3 (01:03:10):
Did I get that?
Speaker 4 (01:03:13):
Yeah, you're pretty good at this.
Yeah, no, it was spot on forsure, and any ladies listening
could probably feel the care,the warmth, the genuine
attunement.
Speaker 2 (01:03:25):
C'était vraiment un point Et les dames qui entendent
, on peut voir exactement quec'était vraiment plein
d'émotions et d'amour et de soin.
Speaker 4 (01:03:33):
And so we never give fake wishes whenever we're
demonstrating a tool.
Speaker 2 (01:03:38):
Nous ne donnons jamais de prétendus désirs quand
nous faisons une démonstrationd'un outil.
Speaker 4 (01:03:44):
We wanted to give you a real-life situation, even
though we didn't think of itahead of time, but we wanted to
give you a real-life situationso that you can relate to that.
And for you it might not beparenting, maybe it's something
related to finances or sex orin-laws, or roles and chores
(01:04:09):
around the house.
Speaker 2 (01:04:11):
Ça peut être pour vous autre chose que le fait
d'être parent.
Ça peut être les finances, oule sexe, ou la belle famille, ou
les choses qui se passent à lamaison.
Speaker 4 (01:04:20):
But you can still use the same language, the wish
list language, the activelistening language, and then the
because, because, because, forempathy.
Speaker 3 (01:04:36):
Notice too.
I could do all of this.
I don't have to agree with allof it either.
This I don't have to agree withall of it either.
Speaker 2 (01:04:43):
Je peux faire tout cela, mais je n'ai pas besoin
d'être d'accord avec tout cela.
Speaker 3 (01:04:48):
I was simply reflecting, maybe, what she was
feeling or desiring.
Speaker 2 (01:04:53):
Je ne faisais que refléter ou de dire ce qu'elle
ressentait ou ce qu'elledésirait.
Speaker 3 (01:04:57):
I spoke truth with love.
Speaker 2 (01:04:59):
J'ai parlé.
La vérité de l'amour.
Speaker 3 (01:05:03):
How we figure this out later could definitely
change.
Speaker 2 (01:05:11):
How we figure this out later could definitely
change.
Speaker 4 (01:05:15):
We have lots of tools for conflict resolution.
Speaker 3 (01:05:17):
Right.
So what we have to do is wehave to get together and talk
about it and come up with a plan, but I come at this from a
different angle than she does.
But how she receives it and howshe well, I'm sorry, but how
(01:05:38):
she feels doesn't change,regardless of how I think it
should have been.
Speaker 2 (01:05:56):
So many men come back with like well, like I didn't
do anything wrong.
And it's not about right orwrong here.
Speaker 3 (01:06:03):
We have different ways of doing things, but the
reality is that she felt alonein that situation which isn't
right.
Does that?
Hopefully that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (01:06:27):
Does anybody have questions around these tools or
how they're applied?
Speaker 3 (01:06:30):
Passive, aggressive flirting.
Speaker 2 (01:06:34):
Brother.
Speaker 4 (01:06:34):
Robinette.
That's great, that's a first.
Speaker 3 (01:06:40):
I like that.
Speaker 4 (01:06:43):
We're going to have to hear more about this from you
.
So, yeah, throw your questionsinto the chat.
If you have questions about thetools specifically that we
shared, or any other justmarriage questions, it doesn't
have to be related directly towhat we talked about.
Speaker 2 (01:06:55):
If you have the same question, please write it in the
comments about what we talkedabout or anything else.
Speaker 1 (01:07:00):
Brother and Sister King, I did get one question
that I'll throw your way here.
Okay, we have a questionSomebody put in the chat.
They said could Brother andSister King address tools for a
spouse that had great trauma andtheir spouse is struggling to
(01:07:28):
understand the impact of theactions or words that in the
moment, are triggering andcausing things to rise up inside
of them?
Speaker 4 (01:07:54):
Yeah, it's a great question and it's one that we
deal with on a daily basisworking with couples.
Speaker 2 (01:08:13):
It's a question we deal with every day when we talk
to people, and a quarter ofwomen have been sexually abused,
and when you add physical abuse, it's well over half.
Speaker 4 (01:08:24):
Et quand vous ajoutez l'abus physique, ça le dépasse
la moitié.
And so the reality is that whenyou are talking with your
spouse, you're also talking toyour spouse's past and their
inner child.
La réalité, c'est que quandvous parlez à votre époux-épouse
.
Speaker 2 (01:08:36):
Vous parlez aussi de leur passé, ou même de leur
enfance en jeunesse.
Speaker 4 (01:08:40):
And so that has to be something that you're
constantly being open andvulnerable about with your
spouse.
Speaker 3 (01:08:54):
Yeah, this is a good question.
It's a very difficult one toaddress generally difficult one
to address generally.
Speaker 2 (01:09:07):
When someone has trauma, though you do want to
work on it.
I've heard so many people saythat time heals all wounds.
Speaker 3 (01:09:25):
I disagree.
Action over time heals wounds.
I would say marriage is abeautiful place for wounds to
heal.
Relationship wounds to heal.
Speaker 2 (01:09:40):
I've heard it said to heal relationship wounds to
heal.
Je dirais que le mariage est unbon endroit pour que les
souffrances, les relationsguérissent.
Speaker 3 (01:09:47):
I've heard it said that wounds break in
relationship or wounds arecaused in relationship, but also
in relationship, wounds arehealed.
Speaker 2 (01:10:00):
Et j'entends dire que les relations blessent les
relations.
Speaker 3 (01:10:13):
So, in other words, you don't go off into a cave in
Nepal and heal from your trauma.
Speaker 2 (01:10:18):
God gives you a spouse to help you see those
things, but also, hopefully,create a safety, a place of
(01:10:41):
safety to be vulnerable and openyour heart to them too.
Speaker 3 (01:10:44):
It takes vulnerability and courage.
Speaker 2 (01:10:52):
So if that relationship is safe, like Adam
said, this is better addressedin a full counseling session to
talk about your specific concernor trauma, but I'll give you a
(01:11:13):
little template that can startthat conversation.
Speaker 4 (01:11:16):
So here's that template when I hear blank, I
make myself feel blank.
I make myself feel blankBecause in my past blank what
(01:11:41):
that does is it pulls the wallsdown and helps your spouse
realize that you are not placingblame on them.
Speaker 3 (01:11:52):
And that's what, sadly, a lot of people hear,
like, oh, I just caused mywife's trauma again.
But what is actually takingplace?
Speaker 2 (01:12:13):
if there's any significant similarities between
the trauma and the event orpeople and your spouse, those
things start to trigger you totrigger you, and what happens is
that if there is a relationshipbetween the trauma and the
events that you are goingthrough, it revives things.
Speaker 4 (01:12:28):
So starting the conversation with this language
helps you own your own feelingsand explain that you're pulling
from your own history.
And by starting thisconversation.
Speaker 2 (01:12:39):
It makes you express your feelings and shows you can
withdraw from your experience,from your personal history.
Speaker 4 (01:12:46):
And ideally, your spouse responds with that active
listening and empatheticlanguage.
By the way, we do a live callsimilar to this once a month.
Speaker 2 (01:13:04):
We do a live call similar to this once a month.
It's called Monthly Live DateNight.
It's on a Friday night at 5pm.
Speaker 4 (01:13:25):
Pacific Once per month and we have couples from
all over the world that join in,sometimes with small groups
from churches, sometimes justcouples joining from their home,
and we address stuff just likethis, where we share, share
tools, we challenge each other,we pray for one another and we'd
(01:13:48):
love to have you guys join usand we have like a workbook that
goes with each one, like a PDFthat you can pull up, print out
and have these tools um storedso that you can continuously use
them I would give a resourcetoo.
Speaker 3 (01:14:18):
Um, dan allender has written some amazing books on
trauma.
Speaker 2 (01:14:36):
He's a spirit-filled man and wrote a book called
Healing the Wounded Heart.
In that book he talks aboutsexual trauma that's happened
and how to go about healing it,and I would say as someone who's
(01:15:02):
worked with hundreds of peoplethrough this- Healing is
absolutely possible and nosituation I've seen is
impossible for God to come inand heal.
Speaker 3 (01:15:20):
I've heard someone say that that God will do what
you can't do.
I've heard someone say thatthat God will do what you can't
do but he'll never do what youcan do.
God wants to hold your handthrough it, not take it away
from you, because often becauseof what it will make of you in
(01:15:47):
that process of healing, becauseultimately we're supposed to
help people with our testimony.
So thank you for that question.
Super good question, sister.
Speaker 2 (01:16:03):
King, there was a follow-up with our testimony.
Speaker 1 (01:16:05):
So thank you for that question.
Super good question.
Thank you for that greatquestion, sister King.
There was a follow-up to thator something along the same
lines that I just wanted tobring to you.
Yeah, sure.
Speaker 2 (01:16:14):
Question in the same genre that I want to give you.
Speaker 1 (01:16:17):
They said what if you have a dismissive or avoidant
spouse who you know has beentrained to avoid to be graceful
and they're afraid themselves toshare their emotions?
And how do you deal with thatsituation or get there to be
(01:16:38):
some kind of a mutual listening,mutual responding, mutual
respect?
Speaker 4 (01:16:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:16:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (01:16:46):
That's good.
Having a counselor to helpretrain the brain can be helpful
, but I'm going to give you atool that helps you train on a
regular basis.
This is called the dailycheck-in.
The idea is that you use thison a daily basis, but more days
than not is the goal.
Speaker 3 (01:17:04):
We just did this last night.
Sorry, sis, go ahead.
Speaker 2 (01:17:08):
La question était et qu'en est-il si vous avez un
époux qui a tendance à seretirer des choses, qui a été
éduqué dans cela?
I'm sorry, sis, Could yourepeat what you answered?
Speaker 4 (01:17:18):
Yes, yes.
So this is a tool to helpretrain your brain on a regular
basis.
Speaker 2 (01:17:23):
Donc nous avons un outil qui aide à réentraîner
notre cerveau d'une manièrerégulière.
Speaker 4 (01:17:29):
And so three questions to ask each other
daily, Trois questions à seposer mutuellement chaque jour.
The first question is what wentwell in our relationship today?
La première question c'estqu'est-ce qui a bien fonctionné
dans notre relation aujourd'hui?
And we could go into the brainscience here, but the point is,
we're training our brain to lookfor the good and talk about it.
Speaker 2 (01:17:50):
The second question is really it will help address
what you just asked, BrotherRobinette.
And that is what didn't go sowell in our relationship today.
Speaker 4 (01:18:15):
If you ask this question on an almost daily
basis, a spouse who has beentrained in their childhood to
not be assertive Will now havean opportunity on a regular
basis to practice beingassertive In a pretty neutral
(01:18:42):
environment, because it's not inthe middle of an argument.
They're being asked hey, whatcould we do better?
And you're keeping shortreceipts is what we call it
Rather than having a longreceipt print out of all the
(01:19:03):
things that blow up over thelast several months.
Now you have a short receipt onan almost daily basis and then
you answer that second questionwith the wish list language.
(01:19:24):
Well, I wish that blank.
If that happened, I would feelblank.
Speaker 3 (01:19:37):
I would say too generally.
The reason why people blow upin an argument is their receipt
is way too long.
Speaker 2 (01:19:46):
Je dirais que la raison pour laquelle les gens
tendent à exploser pendant unediscussion, c'est parce que leur
liste de doléances est troplongue.
Speaker 3 (01:19:53):
Like everyone here, knows how difficult solving one
thing is in your marriage.
Speaker 2 (01:19:59):
Tout le monde sait qu'il est difficile de résoudre
une chose, même dans votremariage.
Speaker 3 (01:20:03):
But what happens when I like?
So I need you to change thisand this and this, and I don't
know why you did that and thisis horrible about you.
Speaker 2 (01:20:10):
Right.
Speaker 3 (01:20:19):
You start to defend yourself because you feel like
your identity is attacked,rather than I'm asking you to
change a situation or a behavior.
Speaker 2 (01:20:29):
Vous vous sentez attaqué parce que vous sentez
que votre identité est attaquée,plutôt que essayer de changer
la situation.
Speaker 3 (01:20:37):
So the wish list simply puts us into a mutual
understanding and agreement,which is really helpful.
Speaker 4 (01:20:50):
And then back to the third question in the daily
check-in how can I be helpful toyou today or tomorrow?
So we do the daily check-in.
At the end of the night we'rebrushing our teeth, getting
(01:21:10):
ready for bed and we'll say, hey, babe, what went well in our
relationship today.
So the third question is oftenhow can I be helpful to you
tomorrow?
Speaker 2 (01:21:23):
So the third question is often how can I be helpful
to you tomorrow?
Speaker 4 (01:21:32):
And if you guys are asking each other these three
questions on an almost dailybasis, you're training your
brain to look for the good andto be assertive when something's
not right.
Speaker 2 (01:21:55):
So when you really need this tool in a triggered
moment you will have alreadytrained your brain on a regular
basis to use this kind oflanguage.
Speaker 1 (01:22:13):
All right.
So, Brother Robinette, anyother questions?
Actually, we do have.
I've been getting text messagesfrom pastors throughout this
entire session asking me howthey can schedule you for their
local churches or utilize you incounseling some of the
marriages within theircongregations.
Is there a best way that youwould allow me to share live, or
(01:22:37):
is there?
What should I do here?
Sure, yeah.
Speaker 4 (01:22:40):
Yeah, you can go to dear young married couplecom.
That's our website, dear youngmarried couplecom.
And then, um, if you want toshoot us an email, um, you can
also do that.
If you just want to connect, um, you know, from a pastor to a
counselor, we often will have,if you refer clients, if you
(01:23:01):
refer, you know, folks from yourchurch, we'll have you.
We'll have the couple fill outa form that just allows us to
connect with you.
Otherwise, it's, all you know,confidential and we can't share
anything.
Sometimes you don't want to bea part of it as a pastor, but
sometimes you do.
Sometimes you're like, hey, Iwant an update every few
sessions on like how they'redoing.
So you can have the couple fillout a form that allows us to
(01:23:25):
release information.
Speaker 3 (01:23:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (01:23:28):
So you could shoot us an email.
Sorry, sis.
And then also we have aresource for pastors.
It's a free resource to thepastor, a paid resource to the
(01:23:49):
couple.
It's a premarital course calledPrequipped and it's a
seven-week course for premaritalcouples that walks them through
the core areas in arelationship.
Speaker 1 (01:24:14):
Is there a link to that on the?
Speaker 4 (01:24:15):
website.
It's on the website, yeah, andyeah, the pastors can go into
that course and equip themselvesand it's a free resource to the
pastors can go into that courseand equip themselves and it's a
free resource to the pastors.
Speaker 3 (01:24:32):
And it's actually us walking a couple through the
course and demonstrating thesetools to them as well.
So it's pretty interesting,it's fun, but I mean, how many
of us would have benefited fromthat in the first year of your
(01:24:55):
marriage, man?
It would have made everythingso much easier.
Speaker 2 (01:24:59):
It covers communication, conflict
resolution, and in the firstyears of our marriage it made
things so much easier.
Speaker 4 (01:25:06):
It covers communication conflict
resolution finances.
Family of origin, sex andintimacy.
Speaker 2 (01:25:13):
Sorry, In the marriage.
Speaker 4 (01:25:20):
That's great.
Speaker 2 (01:25:26):
So yes, connect with us over email or the website.
Speaker 1 (01:25:37):
Well, when we first got married, we just moved right
to Germany and I trapped SisterRobinette there and since we
didn't have money for her toleave, she just had to love me.
Speaker 3 (01:25:46):
That's a situation, isn't it?
Speaker 1 (01:25:52):
How do you deal with a wife that only bought two sets
of cards and didn't buy the twosets?
Speaker 2 (01:26:07):
I would have really enjoyed.
Speaker 4 (01:26:08):
You say I wish that, brother Robinette, we'll gift
you the cards that you don'thave.
Okay, you'll be taken care of.
Speaker 1 (01:26:17):
I'll send you my wish list there you go.
Oh my goodness this has beenbeen so, so amazing today and
I'm telling you from youtube tomy personal text messages that
I've been receiving throughoutthis entire session.
Speaker 2 (01:26:39):
So many people have been incredibly blessed by your
ministry and we are gettingready to make some changes to
apostolic mentoring in January.
Just with different platformswe're going to utilize and a
(01:27:08):
different way that weadministrate the languages that
we translate into weekly.
Speaker 1 (01:27:17):
But this has been so edifying and so equipping.
Matter of fact, fact, last night, when we were having our close
out crusade team debrief, whichwe always do at the end of every
crusade, I was sharing with theteam how amazing your ministry
(01:27:46):
is and I put in our.
We always have a WhatsApp groupexclusive for that crusade team
and I was sharing with them allthese links to get connected
with y'all.
We had a slightly elderly ladyon the team and she, when I put
(01:28:19):
in there all this dear youngmarried couple stuff, she just
text back with this sad face.
Really.
But the team I was soenthusiastic about this session
last night that everybody hereyou know they're listening as
(01:28:43):
well.
But your ministry is amazing.
Speaker 2 (01:28:47):
I'm so enthusiastic about this session and your
commitment that the whole teamhere is listening.
It was a great session.
Speaker 1 (01:28:55):
And such a gift from God to the world.
I mean that because we don'ttalk about these things.
It's always been taboo and wehave missed so many
opportunities to have greatmarriages so we could have great
(01:29:16):
ministries.
Speaker 3 (01:29:22):
Well, I just want to say thank you for all the work
that you're doing.
This is the body of Christ atwork.
Speaker 1 (01:29:33):
Well, thank you, brother King, that's so kind.
Speaker 4 (01:29:37):
We're so grateful for you.
Thank you so much for yourministry and thank you for the
honor of coming to connect withall of you guys today.
Speaker 1 (01:29:50):
Somebody just sent me a text message I just want to
read it to you, and they said Icried from these answers and
their ministry.
Go ahead, sis, translate.
Oh, I cried from these answersand their ministry.
I'm so thankful this wasorganized today, so what an
(01:30:19):
incredible time we've had withBrother and Sister King and,
dear young married couples,please get connected with their
podcast.
Please get connected with theirministry.
(01:30:41):
Go to the website, check outall these great resources.
Please go get these cool.
I put the link just now in thechat again to Amazon.
Oh, my goodness, go buy thesecards.
(01:31:04):
They're so cool, they're so fun, they're really just.
I mean such a equipping toolfor your ministry or for your
marriage, which is your ministry, yeah.
Be, fun too.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know I'mcarrying my lucky sensation card
(01:31:26):
we're gonna have to find outwhat that rainy day card is if I
was to tell this online rightnow sister robin, it would be so
upset she would say I wish thatyou had not shown that card on
apostolic mentoring.
(01:31:47):
Well we don't want to causeissues in your marriage, brother
.
Hey, she just texted just now.
She said don't you dare.
She knows me, I'm like.
All I need is somebody to pokethe bear, baby, poke the bear
and I will tell all.
That's awesome.
Oh, my goodness, this has beenso fun what I was saying that I
got distracted from with yourgreat sensation card.
(01:32:07):
We would love to have you againnext year, but when Sister
Robinette and I could have ajust a cool conversation with
you guys, with?
We won't do translation on thatday, we'll just do a straight
up talk about marriage and havesome fun.
Maybe on that one I'll actuallyshow my card that would be
(01:32:32):
great.
Speaker 2 (01:32:32):
Let's do it.
Speaker 1 (01:32:35):
We love you.
Oh my goodness.
Thank you, brother and SisterKing Again.
Everybody get connected withthis great ministry.
Sister Robinette just typed,never in the chat.
So apparently that's not SisterRobinette.
That's not how they said tocommunicate no exclamation marks
, no superlatives.
(01:32:56):
That's right.
You're not doing it right.
You should say I wish that youhad not shown that card.
Live on apostate.
I feel like this is going tocome up tomorrow in our when I
get home, when I, when I land atmidnight.
I'm not sure that it's thiscard that I'm going to be
(01:33:17):
looking forward to yeah, don'tassume.
Oh, she just.
She just put in the chat.
She said no in one hour.
Speaker 4 (01:33:28):
So apparently we're having a conversation get it all
taken care of so you can enjoywhat you're going home to that's
right, all right, hey, love youguys.
Speaker 1 (01:33:39):
Thank you so much.
Do what you always do takeyourselves off mute.
Say goodbye to the Kings andwe'll see you all next week at 1
pm Eastern time.
Speaker 2 (01:33:49):
Yes, sir.
Speaker 3 (01:33:51):
Goodbye.
Thank you, sister and brother.
God bless you all.
Thank you to the Kings, godbless you and all the chances.
Speaker 1 (01:33:57):
Thank you, Brother Robinette.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (01:33:59):
Brother Love you all Good job.
Speaker 4 (01:34:01):
Thank you, Brother Robinette.
Thank you God, Thank you Jesus.
Bless this session, Bless ourtranslators today.
God, In the name of Jesus,Hallelujah.
Praise the name of the Lord.
Well, praise the Lord everybody, and welcome to Apostolic
(00:23):
Mentoring.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Well, praise the Lord everybody, and welcome to
Apostolic.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Mentoring.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
I greet you in the mighty name of Jesus from San
Salvador, el Salvador, and wehad a great crusade here this
week.
Actually, we got to be in allfour regions of El Salvador.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
And it was such an exciting time to be a part of
the work of the Lord all acrossthis region and I'm excited to
bring you the report of the Lord, as always, the.
Lord filled 1,150 with the HolyGhost.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
We had 243 children get the Holy Ghost.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
We had 243 children get the Holy Ghost.
We had such a ridiculous coolamount of miracles and I just
have to tell you one of themright now because it gave room
for all the others.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
Yes, one of the members, a brother of California
rock, just destroyed his lefteye and took his vision.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
Il a eu un accident qui a touché la partie de son
visage et ça a bloqué sa vision.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
But one year ago the Lord told him he was going to
heal him through the fire.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Et il y a un an, le Seigneur l'a dit qu'il allait le
guérir à travers le feu.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
And he said I didn't even know what that meant.
And then last Sunday night,before they traveled to El
Salvador, the Lord said beforeyou leave El Salvador, you will
have your vision restored.
So Wednesday, before the crusadewe were up on the mountaintop
(02:48):
in El Petal it's a mountaincalled El Petal and we began to
pray as a team, in the spirit ofthe Lord.
The fire of God fell on thatmountain.
Matter of fact, we had visitorson the mountain, people that
(03:08):
were just there not with ourgroup that came over in the
midst of our prayer meeting andthe Holy Ghost just fell on them
on the mountain.
But in the midst of that welaid our hands on Brother Monks
and God miraculously opened hisblind eye.
So here's what's crazy.
(03:33):
So every single crusade, inevery region, we had Brother
Monks share his testimony aboutGod opening the blinded eyes.
So we intentionally broughtblind people to the altar in
(03:53):
every crusade because of thefaith that was built through
that testimony.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
Just get ready for this.
It's going to blow your mind.
We had 1,034 blind peoplereceive their sight.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
We had 516 people that had various mobility issues
that God healed their arms,their legs, whatever.
337 deaf people received theirhearing, 192 testimonies of
(04:45):
people who had tumors thatdisappeared when we prayed.
We had about 10,840 people thatwere in attendance in all four
crusades four crusades.
(05:07):
We want to give honor to theNational Church of El Salvador
and Bishop Hermudez.
What a great man of God and agreat leadership team.
We also want to give honor tothe crusade team that was here
boots on the ground in ElSalvador.
We had 42 team members.
(05:34):
They were from 15 states, 19cities and two countries cities
and two countries.
But wow, what a great time wehad.
It was the last crusade of theyear.
Speaker 2 (05:54):
I'm excited to go home and be done, but today is
just an incredibly awesome day.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
If y'all ain't a part of or subscribe to the Dear
Young Married Couples podcastyou're like Brother Yacoub, you
just don't care.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
That's a stab at our Arabic translator.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
today Our Arabic translator decided to tell
everybody on Apostolic Mentoringthat his favorite podcast is
Dairy Young Married Couples.
What kind of a friend are you?
That's not even a good friend.
We love Brother Yaacoub.
He's a great friend of mine,great man of God.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
But we have.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
Brother Adam, sister Carissa King with us today, and
Sister Robinette already told meto behave and I'm not doing
good at it.
But unlike Yacoub, I didn'tknow about dear young married
couples until August this year.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
And in August my wife and I got connected to Dear
Young Married Couples and wewere like, wow, these people are
amazing and we've been married.
My wife and I, 30 years, justcelebrated our 30-year
anniversary.
And we were getting ready to goon a cruise for our anniversary
(08:00):
and Sister Robinette pulls outthese help your marriage cards.
Ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
I mean, come on, if it ain't broke, don't fix it
right.
Speaker 2 (08:18):
Isn't that the way to do everything?
So she gets these cards out,and she got one group of cards
which is called Sensation and Ithink one was called
Realizations, and I found outthey had another set of cards
(08:44):
that she didn't bring and I'mgonna make you go figure that
out yourself, because sisterrobinette's already texted me
saying you better behave, pal.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
But every day on our anniversary we would draw two
cards out of this deck of cardseach and we would have these
amazing conversations and justamazing opportunities to explore
and expand our relationship.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
Chaque jour, lors de notre croisière, on a pu tirer
deux cartes chacun et on a euces grandes discussions pour
aller au-delà de notre relation.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
Now I'm not going to lie to you, je ne vais pas vous
mentir.
The Realizations cards my wifeloved them.
La carte de la sensation maépouse les a aimées.
But the sensation cards boy,those, are a blessing Amen.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
C'est la même chose pour la carte de la sensation.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
And so, as a matter of fact, I have been carrying
this card with me ever since Idrew it in Turkey.
This is my rainy day card, andI, just every once in a while, I
need to pull this out, and youknow whatever.
(10:03):
And I, just every once in awhile, I need to pull this out,
and you know whatever.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
But, oh my goodness, Brother and Sister King, ever
since we got connected to yourpodcast and ever since we got,
you know, started using thesecool, really amazing cards, it
just has been so awesome.
And not that people don't havea great marriage already, not
(10:44):
that you're not already bestfriends, like my wife and I.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
I threw that in there because I might need help.
At the end I needed to saywe're best friends.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
That was a setup for later.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
But you know what?
Speaker 2 (11:02):
My pastor used to say you know, as the family goes,
so goes the church.
And he'd say, but as themarriage goes, so goes the
ministry.
And here we are, all in thelast days wanting to do great
things for God, and we got ourmarriages on autopilot and we
(11:30):
think everything's great because, man, if it ain't broke, don't
fix it.
And yet there are so many morethings that your marriage can be
than just not broke.
Why not just let it keepgetting better?
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Why not just keep falling deeper in love?
Why not just keep exploringways to build your relationship?
And so today, every year, wetry to have somebody on to talk
to marriages on apostolicmentoring.
But I got to tell everybody yougot to get connected to this
(12:18):
great dear young married couplespodcast.
Christmas is right upon you andthere are these three.
There's great resources ontheir website which I'm going to
share in the chat, as I alwaysdo.
But if you don't buy all threedecks of these cards and give it
(12:46):
to your spouse as a Christmaspresent, you are doing a
disservice to yourself.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
And if you don't buy these three cards to give them
to your wife, you are notserving yourself.
Speaker 1 (12:57):
Sister Robinette and I had so much fun with these
decks of cards, she better bebuying me the third set for
Christmas.
Mr Robinette, you better buythe third set that you didn't
tell me they had.
There's actually two more sets,Mr Robinette you've been
(13:20):
holding out on me, so I want tojust turn this over to Brother
and Sister King.
We love you.
We haven't even got to meetface-to-face yet, but I look
forward to the opportunity wherewe get to.
Please, whatever you want to dotoday, do it, and I'll try to
behave.
Speaker 3 (13:40):
Hey, you know chaos is sometimes fun, so I think we
just want to tell you thank youso much for trusting us and
inviting us on your podcast.
And I'm really excited about it.
Speaker 4 (13:57):
Thank you so much.
This is an honor to link armswith you, Brother Robinette, and
your whole team.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
Merci, Frère Robinette C'est un honneur de
pouvoir avancer ensemble, avecvous et votre équipe.
Speaker 4 (14:09):
I just love your spirit and your enthusiasm for
the kingdom work and how youhave managed to bring such an
incredible group of peopletogether.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
J'aime votre enthousiasme et votre travail
pour le royaume et comment vousavez réussi à maintenir ce
groupe pour le travail, and Igive honor to all the ministry
and saints of God andmissionaries that are listening
today.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
And my word, give honor to God too, just for just
how amazing that crusade was.
It was serious.
So, so special.
Well, we're going to talk aboutmarriage and we're excited we
could go in 15 differentdirections today, but sometimes
(15:03):
if you try to take all thosepaths, you get nothing done.
So we wanted to focus oncommunication and get really
practical for all of you andkind of share some of our
(15:25):
passion for marriage and giveyou some tools.
Speaker 4 (15:32):
First, we want to begin with one of the most
powerful commands that Jesusever gave his followers, and
that's in John 13, verse 35.
He said by this, everyone willknow that you are my disciples
(15:54):
if you love one another.
So the Greek word that Jesusused here for love is agape.
And this love is not aboutemotion or attraction, but it's
(16:19):
about selflessness and sacrificeand commitment.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
It's a love that really mirrors the very heart of
God.
Speaker 3 (16:51):
And it's a great idea , but it's difficult for us as
fallen human beings toaccomplish.
I think for us English speakersit's even more difficult
because love only has a widerange of meanings.
Like I could say I love my dog,I love coffee.
(17:16):
I love golfing and fishing and Ilove God and we all know that
these are very kind of separateand different sorts of love.
I guess thank God for Greek andhow the Bible is written,
(17:38):
there's a little bit moreclarity in what we see in
scriptures when we talk aboutlove, in what we see in
scriptures when we talk aboutlove.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
Il y a plus de clarté dans ce que vous voyez dans les
écritures quand nous parlons del'amour.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
And it's really interesting seeing Christians
because we see people in ourpractice with marriage
counseling.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
Et c'est intéressant de voir les critères, parce que
nous voyons des gens dans notregroupe avec des conseillers de
mariage.
Speaker 3 (18:00):
That's what we do for a living.
We see people that arestruggling in their marriage,
working through addiction orbroken trust and sometimes just
trying to get better at life.
(18:21):
And we see Christians that loveJesus but are having a really
hard time communicating to theirwife in a meaningful way.
So it's really easy to show upto church and lift your hands
(18:44):
and say you know, jesus, I loveyou so much I'll do anything you
tell me to do.
You know, if you can useanybody, use me.
But love kind of you know itgets practical when you go home
(19:05):
and start to try to love yourwife.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
Mais l'amour devient pratique quand vous rentrez chez
vous et que vous essayezd'aimer votre femme.
Speaker 3 (19:13):
And what we see here in John 13, 35.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
Ce que nous voyons ici dans John 13, 35.
Speaker 3 (19:20):
Where it says that people are supposed to look at
our love for each other and, todraw it down a little bit,
people should be able to look atmy marriage and discern that I
(19:41):
am a disciple of Christ.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
And discern that I am a disciple of Christ and I'm
convinced that not everybody'smarriage in the church could do
that.
Could be a billboard for Christjust by looking at their
marriage.
So there's practical ways ofdoing that.
(20:11):
But we want to share someprinciples before we get into
practicality, because reallythere's no better place to
practice the God they love thanin the marriage.
One of our favorite authorswho's gone on to be with the
(20:31):
Lord, is named Tim Keller.
We wouldn't endorse all of histheology, but he has a lot of
good things to say aboutmarriage and one of his most
popular books and most impactingbooks is called the Meaning of
Marriage, and in this book hereminds us that marriage is not
(20:59):
a contract but a covenant.
Speaker 4 (21:01):
So you know, a contract says if I do my part,
if you do your part, I'll do mypart.
Speaker 2 (21:10):
It's contractual, Whereas a covenant says I am
committed to you no matter what.
Speaker 4 (21:20):
It's really that agape love that you know in John
3, 16, god so loved the world.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
That's a one-way kind of love.
Speaker 4 (21:34):
Even when we don't love him back, he shows us that
agape selfless love.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
When God makes a covenant, it's not based on
merit or performance.
Speaker 4 (22:03):
And as Tim.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
Keller says, to be loved but not known is
comforting but superficial.
But to be known and not lovedis our greatest fear.
But to be fully known and trulyloved is a lot like being loved
(22:27):
by God.
It really helps us get out ofour pretense and our
self-righteousness and itfortifies us for anything that
life throws at us.
And in marriage we're fullyknown the good, the bad, the
(22:51):
ugly, and we're still called tolove each other unconditionally.
And this mirrors the gospel,where God sees our deepest flaws
(23:11):
and he still loves ussacrificially.
Speaker 3 (23:15):
Boy, doesn't that just sound so ideal, right.
But all of us humans here thatare on this Zoom call know that
living out this sort ofcovenantal love is not easy,
(23:38):
because sacrifice isn't easy,and we see that Jesus gave
himself up for the church and heis teaching us through this of
how we ought to love our wife.
Ephesians chapter 5 says thathusbands are supposed to love
(24:03):
their wife, as Christ loved thechurch.
So when your marriage gets hardor you don't see eye to eye,
(24:27):
we're supposed to be giving andselfless and patient in a way
that reflects God's love for us.
So it's the template, so we wantto.
We just kind of want to unpackthat a little bit today.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
So we just kind of want to unpack that a little bit
today.
We also just want to thank toour translators for translating
for us here.
It's not always easy breakingup your thoughts into bite-sized
pieces.
Speaker 4 (25:03):
And especially when you're going back and forth
between two people.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
So thank you.
So, we want to talk a littlebit about just how there's a
cost to covenant love.
Think about your last argumentwith your spouse, which, by the
(25:32):
way, arguing conflict is healthy.
Speaker 4 (25:35):
When we hear the occasional person who's like
I've never argued with my wife.
Speaker 3 (25:40):
We have heard this too.
Speaker 4 (25:42):
We are disturbed by that.
Speaker 2 (25:55):
Well, because argument really means a
different perspective on life.
Speaker 3 (25:59):
So if that person isn't expressing, we know that
they're not contributing youknow in a relationship isn't
expressing.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
we know that they're not contributing, parce que nous
savons que si personnen'exprime pas ce qu'elle ressent
, elle ne contribue pas.
Speaker 3 (26:08):
You know, in a relationship there is always
supposed to be mutuality.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
Dans la relation, il y a toujours quelque chose de
mutuel.
Speaker 3 (26:17):
A giving and taking.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
Le fait de donner et de prendre Reminds me of John,
the disciple who Jesus loved.
It could be actually, when youlook into the Greek in that
(26:39):
scripture, there.
Speaker 3 (26:40):
You could actually read it out.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
It says, the disciple whom Jesus loved, who loved him
back.
So selfless, one-sided love iswonderful, but it's beautiful
(27:08):
when there's a mutuality, aloving back of someone.
I think that's why John calledhimself the Beloved because he
wanted to express that there wasreciprocity there in his love
that he had back toward Christ.
Speaker 4 (27:27):
You guys know that most of the New Testament was
spoken in Aramaic, even thoughwe read it in the written
language of Greek.
We've been talking about agape.
Love John 3.16 when it says Godso loved the world, that's
agape.
Love John 3, 16,.
When it says God so loved theworld, that's agape written in
the Greek, but in the Aramaicwhen it was spoken.
(27:56):
That Aramaic word was chav.
It means the same thing asagape.
It's one way.
It's unconditional love thatgoes from one source to another,
like God to us.
But the Aramaic word in Johnwhen he refers to himself as the
(28:19):
beloved or the disciple whomJesus loved, it's a different
Aramaic word, it's Raham, andthat means a reciprocated love,
a love that goes both ways andso, just like Christ with us, it
(28:51):
functions best when we havethat reciprocal love but he will
love us unconditionally even ifwe demand someone to love back
(29:14):
in the way that we want it to beexpressed.
Speaker 3 (29:23):
But that's why we have, in sickness and in health,
the vows to always be there.
And it's frustrating when wefeel like we're giving out or
giving a lot of love and notreceiving much back.
And this is where we seemarriages start to break down.
(29:49):
Gary Thomas, who's one of ourfavorite writers on marriage, he
asked this.
He said what if God designedmarriage to make us holy more
(30:12):
than to make us happy?
Speaker 2 (30:27):
And if we could start to see our marriage as a
training ground for agape, Ithink a lot of Christians would
be a better witness in the world.
Because it's easy for me tosmile and say I love you,
(30:50):
brother in church, and paste ona smile.
That's maybe not very genuine.
But how do you love your spousewhen you don't agree?
Or maybe there's some distance.
Speaker 4 (31:26):
How do we bring us back into reconciliation and
have that reciprocity of love?
I think that's truly why Godcreated marriage.
Marriage is a tool forsanctification At parenting as
well.
How many parents do we have outthere?
We have a five and aseven-year-old and boy.
(31:46):
Parenting is a tool forsanctification and marriage also
is a tool for oursanctification.
It's where our selfishness isconfronted, Our patience is
(32:10):
tested and our capacity forforgiveness is stretched
forgiveness is stretched.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
It's a daily practice of dying to ourselves and
living for someone else.
Speaker 4 (32:31):
So in this way, marriage becomes a training
ground for holiness.
It's a space where we learn toembody the fruit of the Spirit,
Everything that love is,everything that God is love, joy
(32:53):
, peace, patience, kindness,goodness, faithfulness, all the
fruit of the Spirit, Especiallythose last two gentleness and
self-control.
As we practice these virtuesand this fruit of the Spirit in
our marriage, we become betterequipped to reflect Christ in
(33:21):
every area of our lives.
Speaker 3 (33:28):
I think because we tend to deceive ourselves.
I mean, jeremiah says the heartis deceitful above all things
and desperately wicked.
Who could know it?
But when your spouse isstanding in front of you and
(33:50):
saying, hey, you weren't verynice.
I wish you were a little bitmore patient.
I wish you put our needs, thefamily's, first instead of doing
all the other things.
Can we take influence from thatperson?
(34:13):
Can we slow down and saving theworld, maybe, and make sure
that our family is safe?
And so just, we want tochallenge you to see your
(34:35):
marriage not as just anotherthing we have to keep well.
Speaker 2 (34:48):
Or it's not just a thing you should do.
Speaker 3 (34:52):
But it's something we can really embrace as a tool
for making us closer to Jesuscloser to Jesus, because it
really does shine a spotlight onour weaknesses.
Gary Thomas.
In another place in his book hesaid this the best wedding gift
(35:18):
that God ever gave me was afull-length mirror called my
spouse.
So when we're asked to changesomething, we should be thankful
that they would share that withus.
Speaker 2 (35:46):
Because it's not just a spouse that is unapproachable
or unpleasable, I should say,but maybe that spouse is moving
us closer to holiness.
Speaker 3 (36:05):
And helping us mold our image into a closer image
that would reflect Jesus.
Speaker 2 (36:14):
I think this is truly one of our weaknesses in the
apostolic church one of ourweaknesses in the Apostolic
Church, that is, the lack ofemphasis on a sanctified life.
We praise God for the emphasison regeneration and salvation.
Speaker 4 (36:45):
I mean, that's incredible.
Speaker 2 (36:51):
Thousands upon thousands can gather and receive
the Holy Ghost in a week'sworth of time in El Salvador.
Speaker 4 (37:00):
It's absolutely incredible and we praise God for
these supernatural eventstaking place, and God has called
us to a continued life ofsanctification and holiness.
Speaker 3 (37:22):
Which sometimes is quite a miracle.
When Adam can be selfless, it'sjust not as easy or not as
recognized as a miracle.
If I become more like Jesus,it's harder to recognize.
Speaker 4 (37:46):
So if we could emphasize, at least in our own
lives as leaders and ministers,if we could emphasize the
holiness, the sanctificationjourney, and starting with our
own marriage.
How will people know thatyou're my disciples?
(38:06):
By the love that you show onetoward another.
And if we could emphasize thatin our own marriage, how much
more of a work of God could wedo in the field?
How much more wholeness that'sanother word for holiness how
(38:34):
much more wholeness could takeplace from the broken pieces
that people come in to know theLord with?
Speaker 2 (38:55):
So let's jump into some tools of how this could
actually play out in a marriage.
Speaker 3 (38:58):
And, by the way, if you guys have questions for us,
we would love to hear them,because we are used to working
with people face to face.
Speaker 2 (39:10):
Nous aimerions les entendre parce que nous avons
l'habitude de travailler face à face.
So our 9 to 5 working is withcouples, helping them on the
spot work through things youknow, at 17 hours in the same on
the radio, with the jump on thepath on Caesar so that's where
we're comfortable.
Speaker 3 (39:28):
So if you have a question, type it in the chat,
and we'd love to have brotherRobinette read some to us and
you see we have a question onthe other side in the pool if
the liquor that come on Terry.
Speaker 4 (39:41):
One area of marriage that people often find most
challenging when it comes topractically working on it is the
area of communication.
They know that communication isgood to work on, but they don't
(40:02):
know how to work on it.
Speaker 3 (40:08):
And they probably heard the whole part about you
ought to love your wife and showher grace and all these things.
Speaker 2 (40:23):
But they're not quite sure what to do.
Speaker 4 (40:25):
And in that same passage.
Speaker 2 (40:27):
By the way, ladies, wives are called to respect
their husbands.
And I think there's a reasonwhy Paul told the church at
Ephesus husbands love your wivesand wives respect your husbands
(40:47):
, Instead of just saying ingeneral everybody love and
respect your spouse.
Because, ladies need to work onrespect.
Speaker 4 (41:03):
True, though he gave specific instructions to each
spouse based on the area of need.
What doesn't come as naturallyto us?
Speaker 2 (41:12):
He gives instructions to each one according to their
needs, which doesn't come to usnaturally.
Speaker 4 (41:18):
Women are natural nurturers, and so it's easy to
show love toward our husband.
It's a lot harder to showrespect, and so the tools that
we want to share with you todaywill help you, ladies, show
(41:39):
respect in the way that youcommunicate with your husband.
And likewise for husbands to beable to show that they cherish
their wives.
That's what she needs mostdeeply from you.
Speaker 3 (42:01):
And in the same way we want to show our spouses how
to love their wives, becausethat's what they need the most.
Speaker 2 (42:08):
So we have some tools that we think would be very
helpful for you to apply.
One of these we have been usingfor about 14 years and we've
(42:29):
been married for almost 17 years.
Speaker 3 (42:31):
So it would have been very helpful if someone would
have shown us these things atthe very beginning.
Speaker 2 (42:36):
They always have been happy beginning, they always
haven't been happy.
Speaker 3 (42:47):
So the first is called the wish list.
Speaker 2 (42:56):
We've discovered that people have a difficult time
bringing up an issue.
Speaker 3 (43:07):
And couples definitely have certain traits
or ways of going about things.
Now we're going to give somegeneralities, so it doesn't
apply to everybody, but theseare sort of what happens with
men and women, so women tend tobe maybe a little bit more
(43:33):
critical around the marriagearound the marriage.
And guys tend to be a little bitmore defensive.
Withdraw, right, or is thisjust me?
So how do we help women be moregentle in their criticism so
(44:07):
that men can actually take it inand receive it, Because some of
those criticisms can be helpful?
Speaker 2 (44:16):
Not all, because some of these criticisms can help.
Speaker 3 (44:24):
Not all.
And then how can men take inthose things, though without
defensiveness?
Speaker 2 (44:35):
And that's what we want to teach.
So would Brother and SisterRobinette like to jump on and we
can counsel them on theirmarriage.
Speaker 3 (44:47):
Here I'm just joking.
Speaker 4 (44:49):
So if you guys have a pen and paper or a digital way
of taking notes, go ahead andpull that out and we want you to
write down this stem.
That can be really helpful insharing something that you wish
your spouse would change.
Speaker 2 (45:09):
Nous voulons que vous notiez cette chose, qui serait
très utile pour aider dans lechangement de l'époux ou
l'épousin.
Speaker 4 (45:16):
So here's the stem.
It says I wish that blank andif that happened I would feel
blank.
So what this does for theperson who's speaking is it
(45:47):
really helps them to beassertive with?
Their need without beingaggressive with their need.
To be assertive is not to beaggressive par rapport à leurs
besoins.
Speaker 2 (46:02):
To be assertive is not to be aggressive, D'être
très déterminant ce n'est pasêtre agressif.
Speaker 4 (46:06):
The research is very clear that marriages where both
members of the marriage areassertive are the most
successful.
Speaker 2 (46:15):
La vérité est que les mariages qui ont le plus de
communication et decommunication sont ceux qui ont
le plus de succès.
I actually was just talking tosomebody and that the marriages
that have the most communication, and communication are the ones
that have the most success.
This weekend I talked tosomeone who challenged me and
said isn't this just culturalLike?
(46:43):
Does this cross the idea ofassertiveness being good?
Does this cross culturalboundaries?
And the research shows thatacross the board, it does help
to be assertive in your marriage.
Speaker 3 (46:59):
I mean, we've taught these tools from Japan to Jordan
and they help.
On s'est mis ceux-là du Japonau Jordanie et ça a vraiment
aidé.
Speaker 2 (47:19):
So how you approach your spouse does matter.
When you're asking forsomething to change, Votre
manière d'approcher votre épouxou épouse va aider quand vous
aurez la demande de quelquechose qui a besoin de changer.
Speaker 3 (47:27):
So researchers found that they could predict the
outcome of a conversation withinthe first three minutes of that
conversation starting.
Speaker 2 (47:38):
Les chercheurs ont découvert qu'ils peuvent voir
quel sera le résultat de laconversation juste trois minutes
après le début de cetteconversation, minutes of that
conversation starting.
Everybody here knows that theydon't argue for three minutes.
I mean maybe if you're supersanctified.
But generally we have to workout our disagreements and it
(48:07):
takes some time.
But how you go into thatdiscussion absolutely matters
for the outcome, because guyskind of their style is, hey,
(48:28):
only come to me if it's reallybad.
Speaker 3 (48:30):
I'm just saying in general, right.
Speaker 2 (48:38):
We avoid hard conversations like that.
Generally we say stuff like ah,it's not worth it.
Yeah, if it's not broken, don'tfix it.
Speaker 3 (48:54):
As you were saying earlier, and I think that's how
we kind of look at it right,Like hey, we're kind of
functioning.
Speaker 2 (49:06):
Let's just leave it there.
Speaker 3 (49:08):
But women are like no , this little thing could be a
lot better and I need you tochange it tomorrow.
Speaker 2 (49:15):
But hey, and that sometimes feels like a big
attack on us.
So how do we slow it down andreceive the influence?
Speaker 4 (49:34):
So this could go either way.
The husband or the wife couldbe speaking with their assertive
wish, but when the speaker saysI wish that, blank, and if that
happened I would feel blank.
The listener needs a way torespond to that.
(50:00):
Now, brothers, your typicalresponse is to want to fix it or
avoid it altogether and justshut down.
Speaker 2 (50:18):
Or avoid it altogether and just shut down.
But, instead of fixing it, wehave a different template to
give you.
Speaker 4 (50:32):
So here's that template.
I hear you saying that you wishblank.
Speaker 2 (50:38):
That you wish blank.
And if that happened, you wouldfeel blank.
Speaker 4 (50:51):
And so what that does is, well, let's just do it.
Okay, let's just do it.
Speaker 3 (50:56):
Okay, normally we would have a couple come up on
stage or jump on the chat and wewould work with them so you
could see how it works.
But since that's difficult,we'll do it here.
Speaker 2 (51:13):
All right.
Speaker 3 (51:18):
And we never use fake wishes.
All right, so you want to goahead and go first?
Speaker 4 (51:28):
I'm going to put me on the spot with the wish Okay,
all right, babe, I wish thatlast night on our road trip back
home from Thanksgiving, thatwhen the kids were arguing quite
a bit in the backseat, I wishthat you would tag team with me
(51:48):
in trying to handle theirarguments.
Speaker 2 (52:11):
And if that happened I would feel a lot more
supported and connected in ourparenting.
So I'm going to reflect back toher what she said so she knows
that I did hear and I waslistening.
So I'm hearing you say that onthe way home yesterday the kids
(52:39):
were being crazy.
Speaker 3 (52:43):
And you wanted me to be a lot more engaged, rather
than let you handle it, tosupport you in that.
And now I'm going to give herthe emotion and you said, if
that happened, you'd feel moresupported and more like a team
(53:04):
in our parenting.
That is the whole system, rightthere.
Notice I'm not trying to fix it.
Speaker 2 (53:22):
Voyez que je ne me laissez pas le réparer.
Speaker 3 (53:25):
Yet.
Speaker 2 (53:27):
Encore, pas encore.
Speaker 3 (53:29):
But what we're doing is slowing it down enough so
that we're clearly communicatingwhat she wants and how I can
help her solve that.
Speaker 2 (53:39):
Mais ce que nous faisons, c'est que nous
ralentissons la situation afinque je lui donne une position Ã
parler, what she wants and how Ican help her solve that.
Speaker 3 (53:48):
She's giving me her expectations, really for next
time.
A lot of people live infrustration in their marriage.
Frustration is the result ofunmet or uncommunicated
expectations.
So this is why it's soimportant that we express hey,
(54:17):
this is how I'm feeling andhere's how I need you to help me
with that.
Speaker 2 (54:23):
And here's how I need you to help me with that.
And it's crucial especially forwomen, but really for both for
the person to feel heard, tofeel seen and heard.
So when you are speaking, whenyour spouse is speaking, it's
(54:52):
really important that you showthem you're attuned to what
they're saying, and thistemplate is a template not the
only one, but a template thatworks.
Speaker 4 (55:07):
Because the alternative is that I say babe,
it was so frustrating to me thatyou were just leaving me out
there alone to handle the kidslast night on the drive home,
and then the alternative to hisresponse would be something like
(55:29):
I was involved.
Yeah, I was involved.
What?
Speaker 3 (55:32):
are you talking about ?
Speaker 4 (55:33):
And I think we should just let them just figure it
out.
Speaker 3 (55:37):
Yeah, they're crazy.
They just need to like.
Speaker 4 (55:41):
Right, so this Go ahead Sorry.
Speaker 2 (55:48):
Translation Right.
So this Go ahead.
Sorry translation, and that's apretty typical non-violent,
non-escalated, pretty typicalconflict for a lot of people.
Speaker 4 (56:16):
But instead, if we use this language, the wish list
language, now I'm painting apicture of what I would like to
see happen.
Speaker 2 (56:26):
It's much more positive in nature and it's I
language instead of you language.
Speaker 4 (56:37):
Which is a lot easier for anybody to receive.
Speaker 3 (56:44):
So it slows it down.
I think that's the mostbeneficial part.
I'll often ask Chris.
I'll say hey, babe, I have awish for you.
It's now a good time to shareit with you.
Speaker 2 (57:01):
Babe, I have a wish for you.
It's now a good time to shareit with you, so I don't have to
hold in resentment or suppressfeelings of frustration.
Speaker 3 (57:19):
I'm immediately taking it to her and making it
right.
I just did this the other daywith her and she did this with
me last night.
But the power of it is thelanguage of it sends a flag of
(57:40):
like.
Now I'm stepping into somepre-ordered conversation.
Speaker 2 (57:48):
Mais le pouvoir de cela, c'est que cela fait lever
un drapeau, un signal, et quimène dans une conversation
pré-établie.
Speaker 3 (57:56):
And the outcome is pretty reliable.
Speaker 2 (57:59):
Et le résultat est vraiment fiable.
Speaker 3 (58:02):
Should we do?
Because, because, because, sure, okay, so this is a second tool
that we use if it's a littlebit of a deeper need.
Speaker 2 (58:11):
Voici un autre outil que nous utilisons si le besoin
est plus profond.
Speaker 3 (58:19):
Yes, so this is called.
You could write it down.
It's called because, because,because and this is empathy,
really.
By the way, if you leaders,when you were talking to someone
that came to you with adifficulty and you simply slowed
(58:47):
it down and said so can Irepeat this back to you to make
sure I heard you correctly?
It's a powerful tool just tohelp you give you a few moments
of capturing your own feelingsaround the situation and, at the
(59:15):
same time, validating them andhelping them feel heard.
I do this all the time when I'mworking with people, because a
lot of people expect themselvesto have a response immediately,
(59:39):
and not every situation issimple, so that's just kind of a
side note.
So because, because, because,here we go, this is a template
for empathy.
So your wish makes sense.
(01:00:00):
Because, make sense, becauseNow I have to think of a reason
why this makes sense.
You want me to be more activewith the kids.
Because, first, it causes you alot of stress To have to deal
with that load by yourself andit can feel very alone and
(01:00:31):
overwhelming to have both ofthem going crazy at the same
time and really it's not yourresponsibility on your own to
keep them in check to keep thementertained.
So it makes sense why you'd askme that.
(01:00:54):
So that's one.
Because the first thing off thetop of my mind Now I'm going to
try to like.
I normally ask people to pullfrom the next because from a,
(01:01:15):
from like a value or herchildhood.
Speaker 2 (01:01:36):
So from what I know about you, you have a high value
on being a team within themarriage and when that falls
short and you see me just optingout, even if I disagree how
you're handling it or whateverelse.
It doesn't communicate love toyou or care.
Speaker 3 (01:02:05):
And I'm going to do the last one.
And the last one makes sensebecause Sorry.
Speaker 2 (01:02:15):
So I'm going to do the last, because here and I'm
going to pull from a fear ofhers.
Speaker 3 (01:02:23):
So that also makes sense, because what if this
trend continues and Icontinually opt out of difficult
situations with the kids?
You don't want to be a singleparent, and so to see me like
(01:02:46):
just not participate is probablyfrustrating but also scary.
So that's just a quick oh, letme, I'll close it up.
This is how it works.
Speaker 2 (01:03:08):
Voix off-screen.
Speaker 3 (01:03:10):
Did I get that?
Speaker 4 (01:03:13):
Yeah, you're pretty good at this.
Yeah, no, it was spot on forsure, and any ladies listening
could probably feel the care,the warmth, the genuine
attunement.
Speaker 2 (01:03:25):
C'était vraiment un point Et les dames qui entendent
, on peut voir exactement quec'était vraiment plein
d'émotions et d'amour et de soin.
Speaker 4 (01:03:33):
And so we never give fake wishes whenever we're
demonstrating a tool.
Speaker 2 (01:03:38):
Nous ne donnons jamais de prétendus désirs quand
nous faisons une démonstrationd'un outil.
Speaker 4 (01:03:44):
We wanted to give you a real-life situation, even
though we didn't think of itahead of time, but we wanted to
give you a real-life situationso that you can relate to that.
And for you it might not beparenting, maybe it's something
related to finances or sex orin-laws, or roles and chores
(01:04:09):
around the house.
Speaker 2 (01:04:11):
Ça peut être pour vous autre chose que le fait
d'être parent.
Ça peut être les finances, oule sexe, ou la belle famille, ou
les choses qui se passent à lamaison.
Speaker 4 (01:04:20):
But you can still use the same language, the wish
list language, the activelistening language, and then the
because, because, because, forempathy.
Speaker 3 (01:04:36):
Notice too.
I could do all of this.
I don't have to agree with allof it either.
This I don't have to agree withall of it either.
Speaker 2 (01:04:43):
Je peux faire tout cela, mais je n'ai pas besoin
d'être d'accord avec tout cela.
Speaker 3 (01:04:48):
I was simply reflecting, maybe, what she was
feeling or desiring.
Speaker 2 (01:04:53):
Je ne faisais que refléter ou de dire ce qu'elle
ressentait ou ce qu'elledésirait.
Speaker 3 (01:04:57):
I spoke truth with love.
Speaker 2 (01:04:59):
J'ai parlé.
La vérité de l'amour.
Speaker 3 (01:05:03):
How we figure this out later could definitely
change.
Speaker 2 (01:05:11):
How we figure this out later could definitely
change.
Speaker 4 (01:05:15):
We have lots of tools for conflict resolution.
Speaker 3 (01:05:17):
Right.
So what we have to do is wehave to get together and talk
about it and come up with a plan, but I come at this from a
different angle than she does.
But how she receives it and howshe well, I'm sorry, but how
(01:05:38):
she feels doesn't change,regardless of how I think it
should have been.
Speaker 2 (01:05:56):
So many men come back with like well, like I didn't
do anything wrong.
And it's not about right orwrong here.
Speaker 3 (01:06:03):
We have different ways of doing things, but the
reality is that she felt alonein that situation which isn't
right.
Does that?
Hopefully that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (01:06:27):
Does anybody have questions around these tools or
how they're applied?
Speaker 3 (01:06:30):
Passive, aggressive flirting.
Speaker 2 (01:06:34):
Brother.
Speaker 4 (01:06:34):
Robinette.
That's great, that's a first.
Speaker 3 (01:06:40):
I like that.
Speaker 4 (01:06:43):
We're going to have to hear more about this from you
.
So, yeah, throw your questionsinto the chat.
If you have questions about thetools specifically that we
shared, or any other justmarriage questions, it doesn't
have to be related directly towhat we talked about.
Speaker 2 (01:06:55):
If you have the same question, please write it in the
comments about what we talkedabout or anything else.
Speaker 1 (01:07:00):
Brother and Sister King, I did get one question
that I'll throw your way here.
Okay, we have a questionSomebody put in the chat.
They said could Brother andSister King address tools for a
spouse that had great trauma andtheir spouse is struggling to
(01:07:28):
understand the impact of theactions or words that in the
moment, are triggering andcausing things to rise up inside
of them?
Speaker 4 (01:07:54):
Yeah, it's a great question and it's one that we
deal with on a daily basisworking with couples.
Speaker 2 (01:08:13):
It's a question we deal with every day when we talk
to people, and a quarter ofwomen have been sexually abused,
and when you add physical abuse, it's well over half.
Speaker 4 (01:08:24):
Et quand vous ajoutez l'abus physique, ça le dépasse
la moitié.
And so the reality is that whenyou are talking with your
spouse, you're also talking toyour spouse's past and their
inner child.
La réalité, c'est que quandvous parlez à votre époux-épouse
.
Speaker 2 (01:08:36):
Vous parlez aussi de leur passé, ou même de leur
enfance en jeunesse.
Speaker 4 (01:08:40):
And so that has to be something that you're
constantly being open andvulnerable about with your
spouse.
Speaker 3 (01:08:54):
Yeah, this is a good question.
It's a very difficult one toaddress generally difficult one
to address generally.
Speaker 2 (01:09:07):
When someone has trauma, though you do want to
work on it.
I've heard so many people saythat time heals all wounds.
Speaker 3 (01:09:25):
I disagree.
Action over time heals wounds.
I would say marriage is abeautiful place for wounds to
heal.
Relationship wounds to heal.
Speaker 2 (01:09:40):
I've heard it said to heal relationship wounds to
heal.
Je dirais que le mariage est unbon endroit pour que les
souffrances, les relationsguérissent.
Speaker 3 (01:09:47):
I've heard it said that wounds break in
relationship or wounds arecaused in relationship, but also
in relationship, wounds arehealed.
Speaker 2 (01:10:00):
Et j'entends dire que les relations blessent les
relations.
Speaker 3 (01:10:13):
So, in other words, you don't go off into a cave in
Nepal and heal from your trauma.
Speaker 2 (01:10:18):
God gives you a spouse to help you see those
things, but also, hopefully,create a safety, a place of
(01:10:41):
safety to be vulnerable and openyour heart to them too.
Speaker 3 (01:10:44):
It takes vulnerability and courage.
Speaker 2 (01:10:52):
So if that relationship is safe, like Adam
said, this is better addressedin a full counseling session to
talk about your specific concernor trauma, but I'll give you a
(01:11:13):
little template that can startthat conversation.
Speaker 4 (01:11:16):
So here's that template when I hear blank, I
make myself feel blank.
I make myself feel blankBecause in my past blank what
(01:11:41):
that does is it pulls the wallsdown and helps your spouse
realize that you are not placingblame on them.
Speaker 3 (01:11:52):
And that's what, sadly, a lot of people hear,
like, oh, I just caused mywife's trauma again.
But what is actually takingplace?
Speaker 2 (01:12:13):
if there's any significant similarities between
the trauma and the event orpeople and your spouse, those
things start to trigger you totrigger you, and what happens is
that if there is a relationshipbetween the trauma and the
events that you are goingthrough, it revives things.
Speaker 4 (01:12:28):
So starting the conversation with this language
helps you own your own feelingsand explain that you're pulling
from your own history.
And by starting thisconversation.
Speaker 2 (01:12:39):
It makes you express your feelings and shows you can
withdraw from your experience,from your personal history.
Speaker 4 (01:12:46):
And ideally, your spouse responds with that active
listening and empatheticlanguage.
By the way, we do a live callsimilar to this once a month.
Speaker 2 (01:13:04):
We do a live call similar to this once a month.
It's called Monthly Live DateNight.
It's on a Friday night at 5pm.
Speaker 4 (01:13:25):
Pacific Once per month and we have couples from
all over the world that join in,sometimes with small groups
from churches, sometimes justcouples joining from their home,
and we address stuff just likethis, where we share, share
tools, we challenge each other,we pray for one another and we'd
(01:13:48):
love to have you guys join usand we have like a workbook that
goes with each one, like a PDFthat you can pull up, print out
and have these tools um storedso that you can continuously use
them I would give a resourcetoo.
Speaker 3 (01:14:18):
Um, dan allender has written some amazing books on
trauma.
Speaker 2 (01:14:36):
He's a spirit-filled man and wrote a book called
Healing the Wounded Heart.
In that book he talks aboutsexual trauma that's happened
and how to go about healing it,and I would say as someone who's
(01:15:02):
worked with hundreds of peoplethrough this- Healing is
absolutely possible and nosituation I've seen is
impossible for God to come inand heal.
Speaker 3 (01:15:20):
I've heard someone say that that God will do what
you can't do.
I've heard someone say thatthat God will do what you can't
do but he'll never do what youcan do.
God wants to hold your handthrough it, not take it away
from you, because often becauseof what it will make of you in
(01:15:47):
that process of healing, becauseultimately we're supposed to
help people with our testimony.
So thank you for that question.
Super good question, sister.
Speaker 2 (01:16:03):
King, there was a follow-up with our testimony.
Speaker 1 (01:16:05):
So thank you for that question.
Super good question.
Thank you for that greatquestion, sister King.
There was a follow-up to thator something along the same
lines that I just wanted tobring to you.
Yeah, sure.
Speaker 2 (01:16:14):
Question in the same genre that I want to give you.
Speaker 1 (01:16:17):
They said what if you have a dismissive or avoidant
spouse who you know has beentrained to avoid to be graceful
and they're afraid themselves toshare their emotions?
And how do you deal with thatsituation or get there to be
(01:16:38):
some kind of a mutual listening,mutual responding, mutual
respect?
Speaker 4 (01:16:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:16:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (01:16:46):
That's good.
Having a counselor to helpretrain the brain can be helpful
, but I'm going to give you atool that helps you train on a
regular basis.
This is called the dailycheck-in.
The idea is that you use thison a daily basis, but more days
than not is the goal.
Speaker 3 (01:17:04):
We just did this last night.
Sorry, sis, go ahead.
Speaker 2 (01:17:08):
La question était et qu'en est-il si vous avez un
époux qui a tendance à seretirer des choses, qui a été
éduqué dans cela?
I'm sorry, sis, Could yourepeat what you answered?
Speaker 4 (01:17:18):
Yes, yes.
So this is a tool to helpretrain your brain on a regular
basis.
Speaker 2 (01:17:23):
Donc nous avons un outil qui aide à réentraîner
notre cerveau d'une manièrerégulière.
Speaker 4 (01:17:29):
And so three questions to ask each other
daily, Trois questions à seposer mutuellement chaque jour.
The first question is what wentwell in our relationship today?
La première question c'estqu'est-ce qui a bien fonctionné
dans notre relation aujourd'hui?
And we could go into the brainscience here, but the point is,
we're training our brain to lookfor the good and talk about it.
Speaker 2 (01:17:50):
The second question is really it will help address
what you just asked, BrotherRobinette.
And that is what didn't go sowell in our relationship today.
Speaker 4 (01:18:15):
If you ask this question on an almost daily
basis, a spouse who has beentrained in their childhood to
not be assertive Will now havean opportunity on a regular
basis to practice beingassertive In a pretty neutral
(01:18:42):
environment, because it's not inthe middle of an argument.
They're being asked hey, whatcould we do better?
And you're keeping shortreceipts is what we call it
Rather than having a longreceipt print out of all the
(01:19:03):
things that blow up over thelast several months.
Now you have a short receipt onan almost daily basis and then
you answer that second questionwith the wish list language.
(01:19:24):
Well, I wish that blank.
If that happened, I would feelblank.
Speaker 3 (01:19:37):
I would say too generally.
The reason why people blow upin an argument is their receipt
is way too long.
Speaker 2 (01:19:46):
Je dirais que la raison pour laquelle les gens
tendent à exploser pendant unediscussion, c'est parce que leur
liste de doléances est troplongue.
Speaker 3 (01:19:53):
Like everyone here, knows how difficult solving one
thing is in your marriage.
Speaker 2 (01:19:59):
Tout le monde sait qu'il est difficile de résoudre
une chose, même dans votremariage.
Speaker 3 (01:20:03):
But what happens when I like?
So I need you to change thisand this and this, and I don't
know why you did that and thisis horrible about you.
Speaker 2 (01:20:10):
Right.
Speaker 3 (01:20:19):
You start to defend yourself because you feel like
your identity is attacked,rather than I'm asking you to
change a situation or a behavior.
Speaker 2 (01:20:29):
Vous vous sentez attaqué parce que vous sentez
que votre identité est attaquée,plutôt que essayer de changer
la situation.
Speaker 3 (01:20:37):
So the wish list simply puts us into a mutual
understanding and agreement,which is really helpful.
Speaker 4 (01:20:50):
And then back to the third question in the daily
check-in how can I be helpful toyou today or tomorrow?
So we do the daily check-in.
At the end of the night we'rebrushing our teeth, getting
(01:21:10):
ready for bed and we'll say, hey, babe, what went well in our
relationship today.
So the third question is oftenhow can I be helpful to you
tomorrow?
Speaker 2 (01:21:23):
So the third question is often how can I be helpful
to you tomorrow?
Speaker 4 (01:21:32):
And if you guys are asking each other these three
questions on an almost dailybasis, you're training your
brain to look for the good andto be assertive when something's
not right.
Speaker 2 (01:21:55):
So when you really need this tool in a triggered
moment you will have alreadytrained your brain on a regular
basis to use this kind oflanguage.
Speaker 1 (01:22:13):
All right.
So, Brother Robinette, anyother questions?
Actually, we do have.
I've been getting text messagesfrom pastors throughout this
entire session asking me howthey can schedule you for their
local churches or utilize you incounseling some of the
marriages within theircongregations.
Is there a best way that youwould allow me to share live, or
(01:22:37):
is there?
What should I do here?
Sure, yeah.
Speaker 4 (01:22:40):
Yeah, you can go to dear young married couplecom.
That's our website, dear youngmarried couplecom.
And then, um, if you want toshoot us an email, um, you can
also do that.
If you just want to connect, um, you know, from a pastor to a
counselor, we often will have,if you refer clients, if you
(01:23:01):
refer, you know, folks from yourchurch, we'll have you.
We'll have the couple fill outa form that just allows us to
connect with you.
Otherwise, it's, all you know,confidential and we can't share
anything.
Sometimes you don't want to bea part of it as a pastor, but
sometimes you do.
Sometimes you're like, hey, Iwant an update every few
sessions on like how they'redoing.
So you can have the couple fillout a form that allows us to
(01:23:25):
release information.
Speaker 3 (01:23:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (01:23:28):
So you could shoot us an email.
Sorry, sis.
And then also we have aresource for pastors.
It's a free resource to thepastor, a paid resource to the
(01:23:49):
couple.
It's a premarital course calledPrequipped and it's a
seven-week course for premaritalcouples that walks them through
the core areas in arelationship.
Speaker 1 (01:24:14):
Is there a link to that on the?
Speaker 4 (01:24:15):
website.
It's on the website, yeah, andyeah, the pastors can go into
that course and equip themselvesand it's a free resource to the
pastors can go into that courseand equip themselves and it's a
free resource to the pastors.
Speaker 3 (01:24:32):
And it's actually us walking a couple through the
course and demonstrating thesetools to them as well.
So it's pretty interesting,it's fun, but I mean, how many
of us would have benefited fromthat in the first year of your
(01:24:55):
marriage, man?
It would have made everythingso much easier.
Speaker 2 (01:24:59):
It covers communication, conflict
resolution, and in the firstyears of our marriage it made
things so much easier.
Speaker 4 (01:25:06):
It covers communication conflict
resolution finances.
Family of origin, sex andintimacy.
Speaker 2 (01:25:13):
Sorry, In the marriage.
Speaker 4 (01:25:20):
That's great.
Speaker 2 (01:25:26):
So yes, connect with us over email or the website.
Speaker 1 (01:25:37):
Well, when we first got married, we just moved right
to Germany and I trapped SisterRobinette there and since we
didn't have money for her toleave, she just had to love me.
Speaker 3 (01:25:46):
That's a situation, isn't it?
Speaker 1 (01:25:52):
How do you deal with a wife that only bought two sets
of cards and didn't buy the twosets?
Speaker 2 (01:26:07):
I would have really enjoyed.
Speaker 4 (01:26:08):
You say I wish that, brother Robinette, we'll gift
you the cards that you don'thave.
Okay, you'll be taken care of.
Speaker 1 (01:26:17):
I'll send you my wish list there you go.
Oh my goodness this has beenbeen so, so amazing today and
I'm telling you from youtube tomy personal text messages that
I've been receiving throughoutthis entire session.
Speaker 2 (01:26:39):
So many people have been incredibly blessed by your
ministry and we are gettingready to make some changes to
apostolic mentoring in January.
Just with different platformswe're going to utilize and a
(01:27:08):
different way that weadministrate the languages that
we translate into weekly.
Speaker 1 (01:27:17):
But this has been so edifying and so equipping.
Matter of fact, fact, last night, when we were having our close
out crusade team debrief, whichwe always do at the end of every
crusade, I was sharing with theteam how amazing your ministry
(01:27:46):
is and I put in our.
We always have a WhatsApp groupexclusive for that crusade team
and I was sharing with them allthese links to get connected
with y'all.
We had a slightly elderly ladyon the team and she, when I put
(01:28:19):
in there all this dear youngmarried couple stuff, she just
text back with this sad face.
Really.
But the team I was soenthusiastic about this session
last night that everybody hereyou know they're listening as
(01:28:43):
well.
But your ministry is amazing.
Speaker 2 (01:28:47):
I'm so enthusiastic about this session and your
commitment that the whole teamhere is listening.
It was a great session.
Speaker 1 (01:28:55):
And such a gift from God to the world.
I mean that because we don'ttalk about these things.
It's always been taboo and wehave missed so many
opportunities to have greatmarriages so we could have great
(01:29:16):
ministries.
Speaker 3 (01:29:22):
Well, I just want to say thank you for all the work
that you're doing.
This is the body of Christ atwork.
Speaker 1 (01:29:33):
Well, thank you, brother King, that's so kind.
Speaker 4 (01:29:37):
We're so grateful for you.
Thank you so much for yourministry and thank you for the
honor of coming to connect withall of you guys today.
Speaker 1 (01:29:50):
Somebody just sent me a text message I just want to
read it to you, and they said Icried from these answers and
their ministry.
Go ahead, sis, translate.
Oh, I cried from these answersand their ministry.
I'm so thankful this wasorganized today, so what an
(01:30:19):
incredible time we've had withBrother and Sister King and,
dear young married couples,please get connected with their
podcast.
Please get connected with theirministry.
(01:30:41):
Go to the website, check outall these great resources.
Please go get these cool.
I put the link just now in thechat again to Amazon.
Oh, my goodness, go buy thesecards.
(01:31:04):
They're so cool, they're so fun, they're really just.
I mean such a equipping toolfor your ministry or for your
marriage, which is your ministry, yeah.
Be, fun too.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know I'mcarrying my lucky sensation card
(01:31:26):
we're gonna have to find outwhat that rainy day card is if I
was to tell this online rightnow sister robin, it would be so
upset she would say I wish thatyou had not shown that card on
apostolic mentoring.
(01:31:47):
Well we don't want to causeissues in your marriage, brother
.
Hey, she just texted just now.
She said don't you dare.
She knows me, I'm like.
All I need is somebody to pokethe bear, baby, poke the bear
and I will tell all.
That's awesome.
Oh, my goodness, this has beenso fun what I was saying that I
got distracted from with yourgreat sensation card.
(01:32:07):
We would love to have you againnext year, but when Sister
Robinette and I could have ajust a cool conversation with
you guys, with?
We won't do translation on thatday, we'll just do a straight
up talk about marriage and havesome fun.
Maybe on that one I'll actuallyshow my card that would be
(01:32:32):
great.
Speaker 2 (01:32:32):
Let's do it.
Speaker 1 (01:32:35):
We love you.
Oh my goodness.
Thank you, brother and SisterKing Again.
Everybody get connected withthis great ministry.
Sister Robinette just typed,never in the chat.
So apparently that's not SisterRobinette.
That's not how they said tocommunicate no exclamation marks
, no superlatives.
(01:32:56):
That's right.
You're not doing it right.
You should say I wish that youhad not shown that card.
Live on apostate.
I feel like this is going tocome up tomorrow in our when I
get home, when I, when I land atmidnight.
I'm not sure that it's thiscard that I'm going to be
(01:33:17):
looking forward to yeah, don'tassume.
Oh, she just.
She just put in the chat.
She said no in one hour.
Speaker 4 (01:33:28):
So apparently we're having a conversation get it all
taken care of so you can enjoywhat you're going home to that's
right, all right, hey, love youguys.
Speaker 1 (01:33:39):
Thank you so much.
Do what you always do takeyourselves off mute.
Say goodbye to the Kings andwe'll see you all next week at 1
pm Eastern time.
Speaker 2 (01:33:49):
Yes, sir.
Speaker 3 (01:33:51):
Goodbye.
Thank you, sister and brother.
God bless you all.
Thank you to the Kings, godbless you and all the chances.
Speaker 1 (01:33:57):
Thank you, Brother Robinette.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (01:33:59):
Brother Love you all Good job.
Speaker 4 (01:34:01):
Thank you, Brother Robinette.
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