February 10, 2025 • 33 mins
In this episode Jody and Dan wanted to take a minute to not just reflect but be open to what the mind pushes to the forefront.
Self-awareness and the intricate dance of duality shape our relationships and experiences in life. The discussion unfolds the concepts of personal responsibility, Lila, and the importance of presence, encouraging listeners to embrace their journey without fear.
• Exploring the interplay of duality in personal and relational dynamics
• The role of relationships in shaping our understanding of responsibility
• Introduction of Lila, the playful nature of consciousness
• Understanding that responsibility is not equivalent to control
• Navigating between the concealment and revealment of life experiences
• Emphasizing presence and awareness in the journey toward self-realization
• The importance of techniques in creating safe exploration
• Personal anecdotes showcasing mutual inspiration as partners
• Advocating for openness, acceptance, and healing on the path to growth
• Encouragement to engage with one's consciousness for deeper self-understanding
Did any of these topics spark something for you? Is there anything you'd like us to explore more?
We would love to hear from you! Email us at becomeoneliving@gmail.com or reach out to us on Instagram at BecomeOne Living.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
welcome back to another episode of become one
living where me and joe, my wife, jody domerstadt, we're talking
about stuff yoga bodies, bodies, awareness, consciousness, a
whole bunch of stuff and todaywe're really just going to see
what rises, what comes up Of allthe things yes, of all the
(00:37):
things that there is to talkabout.
It's like I don't know.
I honestly couldn't tell youwhich way we're going to go
today, because it's like emotion, it's like I don't know, I
honestly couldn't tell you whichway we're going to go today,
because it's like emotion,feeling, scripture, body.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
I mean, what's coming up for you, what's coming up
for me?
Me and you, in conversation,have been discussing this
concept of duality.
I would like to start thediscussion on duality.
We were talking about it's both.
Speaker 1 (01:17):
Yeah this is you and me, like in a nutshell, because
you'll talk about, like theconcept of well, it's all you,
everything's you.
You have to take responsibilitybecause everything in your life
is you and it's about you.
And immediately, because it'syoga, I say yes, yes, it's very
(01:39):
important to take responsibilityfor everything.
But also, you are inrelationship with me and you are
in relationship with family andyou are in relationship with
people that you work with andyou are in relationship with
that microphone and you are inrelationship with if you're
going to ride a bicycle, you'rein relationship with the bicycle
(01:59):
, everything, and so that thatthere is.
It's like, yes, I want to takeresponsibility for my life, my
actions, my interactions, myrelationships, and there is also
the thing that I'm inrelationship with.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
That you have no control over.
Yes, I agree.
Well, what you're speakingabout to me is Lila.
Lila is the play ofconsciousness in yoga, and Dan
and I definitely have differentviews, or we come at it with
(02:37):
different views, and, ironically, today I'm dressed in all white
, which is very ironic because Iusually come at it from the
darkness and Dan is in black.
So we are completely oppositeof what we usually are.
And I have to say that when Danjust shared that I speak about
(02:59):
100% responsibility, that was atrauma response.
And that is a trauma response.
And that is a trauma responseMeaning people that want to take
a hundred percentresponsibility, want to think
that if they can control theirbehavior, then they could impact
the outcome of what's happening.
(03:19):
So there's, there is that danceof saying, hey, I've shown up,
I've done what I can do, I'veparticipated in the way I can in
love, in consciousness, andthen you have to let the cards
fall as they will yeah, yeah, Iremember back in the early days
of us where it's like I I can'tremember some some.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
It was like almost like a car was in the roadway
and then a car came the oppositeway and they knew each other
and they stopped and we came andthey were talking in the middle
of the road and you were readyto get out and start a
fisticuffs and I'm thinking, ok,we could do that, but we could
also just back up and go and beon our way.
(04:02):
So we definitely come at itfrom different angles, but, um,
wait a minute.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
That was definitely how I was and that was again a
part.
So when, when dan and I talkabout our lives and my behavior,
I'm okay with my behavior andthat part of me that would want
to get out and flip the guy'scar because that was the part
(04:31):
that kept me alive and kept mein business and doing things my
whole life and I want toencourage people listening, and
even you is.
I'm proud of that part thatwould want to kill someone or
want to fight or push, becausethat's all I knew until I could
(04:55):
learn something else on everylevel.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
My nervous system was stuck yeah and hey look, I'm
not, I'm so.
So if we put the ball back inin my court, you know, uh,
through through the course of mylife early life, and into to,
to, to the middle it was like Iwould just avoid things, and so
so that that, to an extreme, isnot healthy either.
(05:18):
It isn't into the last decade,whereas I was willing to draw a
boundary and make a statementjust to say, hey, this is where
I stand, versus just avoidingeverything, Because there are
things that if you're alive thatyou need to address.
Right, it's just a part ofbeing alive.
(05:39):
You can't go around fightingabsolutely everything unless
that's your truest nature, andyou can't go around avoiding
absolutely everything unlessthat's your truest nature.
And you can't go aroundavoiding absolutely everything
unless that's your truest nature.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
No, but I tried both.
I tried to fight, and what Icouldn't fight I tried to avoid.
And I want to go back to thatword, Leela, for a moment.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
Leela is the play of consciousness.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
Yeah, leela is the play of consciousness.
In this way, in this way, inphilosophy, in some yogic
philosophies, life is a game,it's playful and there is
concealment and revealment.
So those are the two pieces Ioffer today in our discussion is
at any time you will experienceconcealment, and in concealment
(06:24):
you forget completely who youare and most people spiral out,
and you can spiral for days,weeks, years, lifetimes, and
then concealment happens.
The sun comes out and you comeback and you're like, oh my god,
and you pendulate right, you goback and forth and the swing is
really big, like I.
I used to be really calm, butwhen I lost it, man, I would
(06:47):
lost it Right, and now I don'tlose it.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
Yeah, because you've remained consistent metaphor.
You can either be the bus stopor the bus.
Whichever you choose, there's aconsistency there, right?
So you've been consistent inyour pursuits.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Yes In.
I don't want to be reactive, Idon't want to be angry, I don't
want to fight or defend, becausethat's not living, that is
surviving, and surviving isexhausting.
If you're continually arguingwhat you do, defending and
fighting people or ready tofight, you're in survival mode.
(07:27):
I was in survival mode most ofmy life and that was due to
complex traumas.
And at a point when I say yougot to take responsibility is
okay, things happen in my life.
I altered myself to survivefrom those I was.
I changed so I could survive,but at a point the
(07:49):
responsibility to me is well,what are you going to do to heal
?
How do you want to live?
I don't want to be mad ateverybody, or angry, or
judgmental, or cranky or inphysical pain.
That's Lila, though.
You have the pulse, and thepulse also doesn't take you out
of pain forever, because it's apulse.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
Absolutely and just like everything.
I think you can say this forjust about everything.
There is a time and a place foreverything, and in one way, what
I'm thinking about right now isI had a person in my life who
was diagnosed with multiplepersonality disorder, and I'm
not a big fan of labels, like Ithink you are are not either.
(08:36):
However, if you dig, begin todig a little bit and by dig I
mean take the time to understand.
As I got to know that person, Irealized that each of the
personalities really was anadept, it was a well-versed, it
(09:01):
was an advanced evolutionquickly with regards to
overwhelming experiences andenvironments.
So it was like with thisenvironment and this person, the
person figured out how tosurvive with this personality,
and over here it was a differentpersonality and over here it
was a different environment, andso a different personality came
(09:24):
and rose and that personsurvived.
By this technique of creatingpersonalities, I began to see
that it was an evolutionarypiece rather than a diagnosis
and a title to be given Right.
So, and I think on the otherside of that is like not to
(09:44):
label that.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
Well, ifs you just spoke about, ifs internal family
system, sees anything as partsof someone that do something to
help you survive, to take careof you, to tend to your needs
right, I mean in a multiplepersonality disorder diagnosis,
though it's really.
(10:05):
They're almost like completelydifferent personalities and so
highly evolved to me right likeextremely, yeah, um well, dick
schwartz shared a study thatwhen he worked with multiple
personalities, that one partwould have diabetes and another
part wouldn't incredible andthat's why I share with people.
(10:28):
If you have chronic pain,that's a part.
Your part is what part of youis here that experiences that
pain, because it's not here allthe time, and that's what I
would say.
For me, what's helped is thisconcept of play.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
Sure.
Speaker 2 (10:45):
That the universe longs to co-create.
The universe is not moral, it'snot ethical.
It wants to generate energy andcreate things.
So whatever you do or I do, itwill be created, whether it be
life enhancing or not.
And the repetition over timecreates habits, and then these
(11:06):
habits turn into us, believingthat's who we are.
And so, leela is these twowords concealment and revealment
.
The concealment is I'm lost, Idon't know anything.
How deep do you go into thatdepth of being lost?
In the beginning you may govery far and hard, like I did,
(11:30):
and the revealment is brief inthe beginning, these little
Glimpses yes.
Little flashes, and Deb Dana,who talks about the polyvagal
theory, calls some of thesethings glimmers instead of
triggers.
And you have to hook into theglimmers, hook into the little
glimpse of light, of differentthan you're doing now, because
(11:55):
that reminder helps get you outof it so that you can sustain a
different level and a differentenergetic awareness longer than
staying in the other one.
That's what I did when you saidI committed to change.
So anger or frustration was mygo-to and pain until I learned a
(12:18):
different go-to.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Sure, and you said learned.
But learned was informed byexperience and openness.
You know, there's like a wholebunch of ingredients that allows
for that that you created orwas open to incorporating into
(12:43):
and synthesizing into yourapproach and way of being and
living.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Yes, yeah, first part was and you all may have heard
this if you're listening to anepisode before, episodes before
that I realized something waswrong and luckily I started
studying yoga when I was young,so I knew there was more
(13:11):
possibilities than what I wasdoing right now.
And this play of consciousnessalso, I find, when you hear the
word play, it allows me to say,wow, is this real?
How much am I adding to this?
Because when you play, you makeup, imagine.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
You improvise.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
Yes, how much am I making this more than it is?
Who's adding this stuff?
That's what I ask myself.
Who's making up these stories?
Who's making it harder than itis?
Speaker 1 (13:42):
Than it needs to be.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
Yeah, gosh, the thinking mind I I when you take
me, take us there.
You know the reflections innature.
The way that a lightning flashmoves through the sky is the
path of least resistance, andwhy can't we, we?
(14:06):
We operate like that, you know.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Well, you do that skillfully.
You move your life.
I witness through the path ofleast resistance, where I'll run
through a wall Not not so muchanymore, but if I wanted
something, I just I'm going forit and that helped me witnessing
you the gift of Dan being mypartner and my husband.
(14:34):
He inspired me from certainbehaviors that you have and
qualities, the way you listen topeople, when I would watch him
listen.
The other day we were at YogaBohemia in Long Beach Island in
New Jersey and Dan was speakingto a woman and they were in it.
(14:55):
We were.
There was 12 of us all aroundhim talking loudly, giggling,
laughing, eating.
He didn't even blink.
Those two looked like they werein a bubble alone.
And when he left I said he wasreally present, right, she goes.
Oh my God.
(15:16):
She said.
It was as if everyone in theroom dissolved.
And when I saw you do that withsomeone be that present, years
ago, I said I want to do that, Iwant to be that present and,
hopefully, everyone listening.
You have someone in your lifethat inspires you to raise up,
(15:39):
to do something different, totry something different.
You, you've inspired that andyou do go the path of least
resistance, which is yoga.
It's saying this is unfolding.
How do you be with it?
Not how do you change it?
I was a changer, right, I wouldwant to smash it.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
And and and I, I, the .
The experience of myself isthat I know that I love
luxurious things too.
You know, I love having likerich experiences, I love new
experiences, I love things thatmoney can buy, but I don't
remain attached to them.
And it's like, it's almost likeif you're driving down Ocean
(16:21):
Boulevard, and for me it's likeif the sun's setting.
It's like, oh my God, pull downto the bay and sit and watch
the sunset, because that's themoment, that's what's going on,
there's this whole solar systemand all these things going on,
and we don't take time.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
I wasn't able to do that and some listeners might
not be able to because that'snot safe.
So the right and the left sideof the brain we, me and Dan this
is really our real lifediscussion is I share with him
that, that he inspired me and itwas scary when he would say,
joe, let's go to the Bay, no, Idon't want to.
(17:03):
Or there was a.
There was years where we wouldwalk in town, a specific walk,
and he would say, can we go here?
No, I don't want to, I justwant to walk.
And it wasn't controlling, itwas controlling to feel safe.
I felt so unsafe in my body, mymind, my spirit, my soul.
(17:24):
Trauma changed the way that Ithink.
So pulling over for a sunsetwas unsafe because it wasn't
planned and I don't have controlover it.
And people in the world don't.
Some of you listening might notrealize you are running
limbically.
(17:44):
Everything in your life isthrough a fear lens and about
how can I not feel this?
Or stay so rigid that nothingelse happens.
I live that way and it took alot of time for you to get me
and not even get me.
I invite those things butsometimes I don't Like.
(18:07):
The other day we were bikeriding and Dan said you want to
go see the sunset?
I said Nope, I just wanted toget my bike ride in and and so,
but I'm also aware of that now,where before we couldn't take a
different route.
Do you hear that?
And I hope you hear this andthat opens your heart to have
(18:29):
compassion, because some peoplecan't regulate.
I couldn't regulate, I wasstuck in a fear response.
Speaker 1 (18:38):
Yeah, being open to that conversation, being open to
learning you, you you'll alsorealize that just this, this
little piece, is so rich in that.
Uh, let me, let me think of howI want to say this.
(18:59):
So, so, whether you're learningsomething on the computer, or
learning to play the piano, orlearning a different language,
or learning yoga asana orlearning yoga mantra, the piano,
or learning a differentlanguage, or learning yoga asana
or learning yoga mantra,there's techniques, and so
techniques are a critical pieceof learning.
It's like if you find atechnique, you do it over and
over and over and over again,and then you do it over and over
(19:24):
and over again until it becomesyou, and then the technique
almost dissolves away.
So if you have a technique thatallows you to feel safe, an
approach to life, and you keepdoing it over and over and over
again, you can create enoughsafety.
(19:46):
Where then you can expand fromthat?
So I'm always cautious not totake a snapshot.
You can create enough safetywhere then you can expand from
that.
I'm always cautious not to takea snapshot and lay everything
on the line for that, becausethat snapshot is a glimpse, it's
fleeting, it's not going tolast.
So allowing people in your life.
(20:09):
I don't want to sound redundant, but allowance.
Speaker 2 (20:13):
It is redundant To be who they are.
It's repetitive.
Yeah, the allowance.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
Yeah, so for me, what's critical in relationship
is that to honor and respectpeople where they are so that
they can blossom from that point.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
Yeah, you know meeting life and people where
they are.
And I want to go back to whatyou said about technique,
technique, technique.
That's why you have to havepractices.
When, when people say they doyoga or teach yoga, what do you?
Go to yoga class and leave?
That's that's taking a class.
Where are the practices everyday, because there's 23 other
(20:57):
hours.
And practice is this in IFS andin yoga and in neurosculpting
and a lot of the things I study.
This is why I study them, andAkashic Records, sculpting and a
lot of the things I study.
This is why I study them andAkashic records.
All of this is aboutrelationship with self and
knowing I'm not those otherlittle selves, small S meaning.
(21:19):
When you're stuck in trauma,you're stuck, frozen in time.
So, uh, some people getarrested at a certain age, right
, you get stuck.
So clients I work with aresometimes 10 years old.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
That's who I'm talking to, even if they're 60.
Yes, chronologically.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
Yes.
And what happens is when you'refrozen in time and you're
behaving from that 10 or 12 yearold or five year old, you don't
even know that you're older.
So you're behaving from that 10or 12 year old or five year old
.
You don't even know that you'reolder, so you're still afraid
to experience anything becauseyou think you're four or you
think you're 10.
(22:00):
So the goal in IFS is to buildself energy and trust.
To say what helped me Jodi themost is realizing I am old
enough, wise enough, strongenough, intelligent enough to
take care of myself, no matterwhat.
(22:20):
I'm not five, I'm not 10.
But when I, years ago, Ithought I was still the
five-year-old or thethree-year-old that experienced
severe trauma and she was livingmy life to try to keep me safe,
didn't know, didn't ask for herneeds to be met, didn't know
how to meet her needs, didn'tstate anything, people pleased,
(22:43):
lied, manipulated to get needsmet.
And what happens is that comesinto real time now and you and
your partner, me and you aretalking and meanwhile you're
talking to a three-year-old andyou don't know it.
So how do you get beyond that?
The practices are saying, yes,I'm safe now, but not now as a
(23:05):
three-year-old.
I'm 50.
We're not there anymore.
Come home and that part mightnot want to because it doesn't
know us.
So that's why it goes back toyoga and relationship.
You're building an intimaterelationship with all of your
memories, all of your stories,all of your parts, so you can
(23:27):
co-create your life with thedivine intelligence in the
present moment, as you are inyour highest potential yes, and
then when you accomplish orattain or somehow feel like
you've arrived there, guess what?
there's more and, and this couldtake some time yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
I think patience, understanding, approaching with
love they're all supportive ofself-realization.
What's the big deal about likeso?
(24:17):
Why would anyone want to beself-realized?
It takes work and effort and um, but I get the feeling that
when you realize yourself, youfeel calmer, more in the moment,
more present Things affect youless.
You can't be rocked.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
Yes, Life happens and you stay.
You don't get pulled by lifeVictimization and living
externally or sensory wise, likeliving according to external
stimulus.
You, I had no idea who I was.
You won't know who you are,because if someone farts, it
(25:00):
stinks.
If this smells good, it's great.
Oh, I love Dan because heplayed this music.
I don't like Jackie because ofthis or this.
If you live continuallyaccording to what's going on in
the outside, you lose yourself.
It's like you're in outside.
You lose yourself.
Speaker 1 (25:12):
It's like you're in a washing machine.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
Yeah, so you think who you are according to what
the outer world tells you, andit doesn't happen until you get
to a certain age and a certainpractice and a certain place
where you don't listen to theoutside.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
You ask who am I?
All the tools that you shareand from your experience in life
and yoga, those are the toolsthat bring you closer to a
self-realization.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
Yes, yoga is self-realization, ifs is
self-leadership, meaning capitalS is leading the way, not my
parts In this podcast.
Before it starts in mind tomyself, I say I ask my parts to
back out.
I ask them to take a seat tojoin us so that I can be in self
(26:01):
, in my heart, and not ego orstory or try to prove something
or try to be something I'm not,or to say something.
So you all like me.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
That's behind me there, all my parts or
whatever's here is sitting withme, so I can share what
authentically comes throughthat's from yoga yeah, I feel
incredibly fortunate to havepursued this relationship with
you, because I remember, wayback when we would, we would
have little disagreements and Iwould say to you, I said to you,
(26:34):
joe, I'm not, I'm not trying tobe right here, you know, and
that I feel like was was a alittle good brick that that we
built on that we came to anunderstanding that if we were
disagreeing on something, I wasreally just trying to make
something productive or get to acertain level where it was
(26:55):
copacetic, where things were inharmony, you know, versus trying
to win a fight or getting morecheck marks on.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
You know, winning something it's just and this is
beautiful to share with everyoneis I didn't understand that I
didn't come from a household ofconversation that Dan offered.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
Well, I didn't come from a household of that either.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
No, but you.
I was still in trauma.
I had the brain tumor growing.
I had multiple health concernswhen I met Dan, when I met, when
me and Dan reunited, I was inthe hospital having five bone
amputations, possibly losing alimb.
A toe is a toe.
It's not me, let's notexaggerate, but still I was not
(27:42):
well and also I was still in myaddiction 15 years ago.
I just stopped my addiction 15years ago and this was all with
Dan.
And Dan brought this newconversation to my life and I
watched my parts want to rejecthim because he was unsafe, he
(28:04):
was unfamiliar, he wasn'tpredictable.
I never knew, and I still don'tknow, what the heck this man is
going to say.
Oh my God, in yoga class he'llwalk in and I don't.
I don't know what's going tohappen.
And it's great sometimes, andother times it ain't anyway.
Uh, but I, I invite you all tohear this, because when they see
(28:28):
us together, they think wepeople, we work together and
everything's peachy.
It's not.
We work at conversing.
And it has taken me years tounderstand that you aren't
looking to win, you aren'tlooking to be right.
I didn't understand thatbecause if I was wrong, it meant
I'm going to get in trouble orsomething bad's going to happen,
(28:49):
and that's.
I was stuck or frozen atdifferent ages of time and it
takes a lot to thaw out.
I want to share that too.
We now have this new somaticyoga or the polyvagal theory,
and everybody wants, and noweveryone is talking about I'm so
(29:10):
collapsed, I'm just shut down.
Um, you can't go from shut downto kumbaya, my lord, that's not
how the nervous system works.
It's.
I was so completely shut downthat it took years to thaw out
to to rage, and then from rageit turned into sadness,
(29:33):
depression, sorrow, and then itturned into I'm able to regulate
myself and feel all the feelsand not fly into a habitual
pattern of defensiveness orshutdown or fighting or arguing.
There really is a process tocome back to wholeness, and not
(29:57):
that you're not already whole,but I forgot.
Speaker 1 (30:01):
Yeah, yeah, I get the feeling that it's almost a
knee-jerk reaction for somebodyto want to define themselves
with a certain word like that.
It's kind of like the conceptof you know, if somebody says,
(30:21):
yeah, I'm a shaman it's likethen run I was just going to say
run.
None of my greatest teacherscall themselves by anything like
that.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
It's like, it's like they, because they're being it
yeah, and when we share thesewords being, and even when me
and you talk about being, it'slike, yeah, man, I'm here, I'm
being.
There's so many steps to get tobeing.
One of our friends said youAmericans like all these steps.
(30:56):
She said you Americans likesteps.
Yes, and they're importantbecause you also took steps to
get enlightened, like thisperson's enlightened in this
lifetime, but you did do thingsto get there.
That's what we share.
I don't want people to thinkyou wake up one day and you're
enlightened.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
That's not the truth.
There's a process.
Even if you're not writing itdown as you go for a book,
there's a process that happens.
Speaker 2 (31:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
There's an inquiry, yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:28):
There's an awareness, there's an allowing.
That word you like, that it'shmm, who's here now?
(31:58):
Who needs to be right?
Who, who doesn't want to beneutral, who doesn't want to let
it go, who wants to consumeRight, right, or who's so afraid
to do this or that?
It's when, when I finallysettled in to to me, I realized
how afraid of life I really wasdue to all the things I
experienced.
I contracted so much I almostlost myself in that contraction.
I did, I almost died because Ididn't want to live, because it
was so uncertain.
I didn't think I could regulateit, regulate myself.
And now it's not, I'm notstronger, like, yeah, I can do
(32:23):
this.
It's really this gentleness ofwow, I'm so aware of all the
skills and tools I have and thatI've become and I can use them
to navigate, lila, navigate thepulsation of consciousness of
I'm lost.
Or wow, we just spent $20,000on the dentist.
There goes our savings, right,that's true, that's what, listen
(32:48):
, y'all are going to go throughthat at one point in time.
Dentists are expensive.
It's like one minute you have alittle savings and the next
minute there goes the dentist.
And to not feel cheated orpunished or sad or scared,
because that's money, is apulsing, it's an energy, it's
(33:08):
like it comes, you have it andthen thank God, we have it for
it to go.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
Yes, yeah, you almost want to celebrate the going Bon
voyage.
Speaker 2 (33:25):
Arrivederci.
Don't forget to write.
Oh my God, wow.
Thank you, dan.
Thank you, jo.
Forget to write.
Oh my god, wow, uh thank youdan thank you, joe.
Become one living at gmailcom.
If you hear something, if itstands out, if you want to share
something, yeah write us yeah,please.
welcome back to another episode of become one
living where me and joe, my wife, jody domerstadt, we're talking
about stuff yoga bodies, bodies, awareness, consciousness, a
whole bunch of stuff and todaywe're really just going to see
what rises, what comes up Of allthe things yes, of all the
(00:37):
things that there is to talkabout.
It's like I don't know.
I honestly couldn't tell youwhich way we're going to go
today, because it's like emotion, it's like I don't know, I
honestly couldn't tell you whichway we're going to go today,
because it's like emotion,feeling, scripture, body.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
I mean, what's coming up for you, what's coming up
for me?
Me and you, in conversation,have been discussing this
concept of duality.
I would like to start thediscussion on duality.
We were talking about it's both.
Speaker 1 (01:17):
Yeah this is you and me, like in a nutshell, because
you'll talk about, like theconcept of well, it's all you,
everything's you.
You have to take responsibilitybecause everything in your life
is you and it's about you.
And immediately, because it'syoga, I say yes, yes, it's very
(01:39):
important to take responsibilityfor everything.
But also, you are inrelationship with me and you are
in relationship with family andyou are in relationship with
people that you work with andyou are in relationship with
that microphone and you are inrelationship with if you're
going to ride a bicycle, you'rein relationship with the bicycle
(01:59):
, everything, and so that thatthere is.
It's like, yes, I want to takeresponsibility for my life, my
actions, my interactions, myrelationships, and there is also
the thing that I'm inrelationship with.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
That you have no control over.
Yes, I agree.
Well, what you're speakingabout to me is Lila.
Lila is the play ofconsciousness in yoga, and Dan
and I definitely have differentviews, or we come at it with
(02:37):
different views, and, ironically, today I'm dressed in all white
, which is very ironic because Iusually come at it from the
darkness and Dan is in black.
So we are completely oppositeof what we usually are.
And I have to say that when Danjust shared that I speak about
(02:59):
100% responsibility, that was atrauma response.
And that is a trauma response.
And that is a trauma responseMeaning people that want to take
a hundred percentresponsibility, want to think
that if they can control theirbehavior, then they could impact
the outcome of what's happening.
(03:19):
So there's, there is that danceof saying, hey, I've shown up,
I've done what I can do, I'veparticipated in the way I can in
love, in consciousness, andthen you have to let the cards
fall as they will yeah, yeah, Iremember back in the early days
of us where it's like I I can'tremember some some.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
It was like almost like a car was in the roadway
and then a car came the oppositeway and they knew each other
and they stopped and we came andthey were talking in the middle
of the road and you were readyto get out and start a
fisticuffs and I'm thinking, ok,we could do that, but we could
also just back up and go and beon our way.
(04:02):
So we definitely come at itfrom different angles, but, um,
wait a minute.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
That was definitely how I was and that was again a
part.
So when, when dan and I talkabout our lives and my behavior,
I'm okay with my behavior andthat part of me that would want
to get out and flip the guy'scar because that was the part
(04:31):
that kept me alive and kept mein business and doing things my
whole life and I want toencourage people listening, and
even you is.
I'm proud of that part thatwould want to kill someone or
want to fight or push, becausethat's all I knew until I could
(04:55):
learn something else on everylevel.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
My nervous system was stuck yeah and hey look, I'm
not, I'm so.
So if we put the ball back inin my court, you know, uh,
through through the course of mylife early life, and into to,
to, to the middle it was like Iwould just avoid things, and so
so that that, to an extreme, isnot healthy either.
(05:18):
It isn't into the last decade,whereas I was willing to draw a
boundary and make a statementjust to say, hey, this is where
I stand, versus just avoidingeverything, Because there are
things that if you're alive thatyou need to address.
Right, it's just a part ofbeing alive.
(05:39):
You can't go around fightingabsolutely everything unless
that's your truest nature, andyou can't go around avoiding
absolutely everything unlessthat's your truest nature.
And you can't go aroundavoiding absolutely everything
unless that's your truest nature.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
No, but I tried both.
I tried to fight, and what Icouldn't fight I tried to avoid.
And I want to go back to thatword, Leela, for a moment.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
Leela is the play of consciousness.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
Yeah, leela is the play of consciousness.
In this way, in this way, inphilosophy, in some yogic
philosophies, life is a game,it's playful and there is
concealment and revealment.
So those are the two pieces Ioffer today in our discussion is
at any time you will experienceconcealment, and in concealment
(06:24):
you forget completely who youare and most people spiral out,
and you can spiral for days,weeks, years, lifetimes, and
then concealment happens.
The sun comes out and you comeback and you're like, oh my god,
and you pendulate right, you goback and forth and the swing is
really big, like I.
I used to be really calm, butwhen I lost it, man, I would
(06:47):
lost it Right, and now I don'tlose it.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
Yeah, because you've remained consistent metaphor.
You can either be the bus stopor the bus.
Whichever you choose, there's aconsistency there, right?
So you've been consistent inyour pursuits.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Yes In.
I don't want to be reactive, Idon't want to be angry, I don't
want to fight or defend, becausethat's not living, that is
surviving, and surviving isexhausting.
If you're continually arguingwhat you do, defending and
fighting people or ready tofight, you're in survival mode.
(07:27):
I was in survival mode most ofmy life and that was due to
complex traumas.
And at a point when I say yougot to take responsibility is
okay, things happen in my life.
I altered myself to survivefrom those I was.
I changed so I could survive,but at a point the
(07:49):
responsibility to me is well,what are you going to do to heal
?
How do you want to live?
I don't want to be mad ateverybody, or angry, or
judgmental, or cranky or inphysical pain.
That's Lila, though.
You have the pulse, and thepulse also doesn't take you out
of pain forever, because it's apulse.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
Absolutely and just like everything.
I think you can say this forjust about everything.
There is a time and a place foreverything, and in one way, what
I'm thinking about right now isI had a person in my life who
was diagnosed with multiplepersonality disorder, and I'm
not a big fan of labels, like Ithink you are are not either.
(08:36):
However, if you dig, begin todig a little bit and by dig I
mean take the time to understand.
As I got to know that person, Irealized that each of the
personalities really was anadept, it was a well-versed, it
(09:01):
was an advanced evolutionquickly with regards to
overwhelming experiences andenvironments.
So it was like with thisenvironment and this person, the
person figured out how tosurvive with this personality,
and over here it was a differentpersonality and over here it
was a different environment, andso a different personality came
(09:24):
and rose and that personsurvived.
By this technique of creatingpersonalities, I began to see
that it was an evolutionarypiece rather than a diagnosis
and a title to be given Right.
So, and I think on the otherside of that is like not to
(09:44):
label that.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
Well, ifs you just spoke about, ifs internal family
system, sees anything as partsof someone that do something to
help you survive, to take careof you, to tend to your needs
right, I mean in a multiplepersonality disorder diagnosis,
though it's really.
(10:05):
They're almost like completelydifferent personalities and so
highly evolved to me right likeextremely, yeah, um well, dick
schwartz shared a study thatwhen he worked with multiple
personalities, that one partwould have diabetes and another
part wouldn't incredible andthat's why I share with people.
(10:28):
If you have chronic pain,that's a part.
Your part is what part of youis here that experiences that
pain, because it's not here allthe time, and that's what I
would say.
For me, what's helped is thisconcept of play.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
Sure.
Speaker 2 (10:45):
That the universe longs to co-create.
The universe is not moral, it'snot ethical.
It wants to generate energy andcreate things.
So whatever you do or I do, itwill be created, whether it be
life enhancing or not.
And the repetition over timecreates habits, and then these
(11:06):
habits turn into us, believingthat's who we are.
And so, leela is these twowords concealment and revealment
.
The concealment is I'm lost, Idon't know anything.
How deep do you go into thatdepth of being lost?
In the beginning you may govery far and hard, like I did,
(11:30):
and the revealment is brief inthe beginning, these little
Glimpses yes.
Little flashes, and Deb Dana,who talks about the polyvagal
theory, calls some of thesethings glimmers instead of
triggers.
And you have to hook into theglimmers, hook into the little
glimpse of light, of differentthan you're doing now, because
(11:55):
that reminder helps get you outof it so that you can sustain a
different level and a differentenergetic awareness longer than
staying in the other one.
That's what I did when you saidI committed to change.
So anger or frustration was mygo-to and pain until I learned a
(12:18):
different go-to.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Sure, and you said learned.
But learned was informed byexperience and openness.
You know, there's like a wholebunch of ingredients that allows
for that that you created orwas open to incorporating into
(12:43):
and synthesizing into yourapproach and way of being and
living.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Yes, yeah, first part was and you all may have heard
this if you're listening to anepisode before, episodes before
that I realized something waswrong and luckily I started
studying yoga when I was young,so I knew there was more
(13:11):
possibilities than what I wasdoing right now.
And this play of consciousnessalso, I find, when you hear the
word play, it allows me to say,wow, is this real?
How much am I adding to this?
Because when you play, you makeup, imagine.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
You improvise.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
Yes, how much am I making this more than it is?
Who's adding this stuff?
That's what I ask myself.
Who's making up these stories?
Who's making it harder than itis?
Speaker 1 (13:42):
Than it needs to be.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
Yeah, gosh, the thinking mind I I when you take
me, take us there.
You know the reflections innature.
The way that a lightning flashmoves through the sky is the
path of least resistance, andwhy can't we, we?
(14:06):
We operate like that, you know.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Well, you do that skillfully.
You move your life.
I witness through the path ofleast resistance, where I'll run
through a wall Not not so muchanymore, but if I wanted
something, I just I'm going forit and that helped me witnessing
you the gift of Dan being mypartner and my husband.
(14:34):
He inspired me from certainbehaviors that you have and
qualities, the way you listen topeople, when I would watch him
listen.
The other day we were at YogaBohemia in Long Beach Island in
New Jersey and Dan was speakingto a woman and they were in it.
(14:55):
We were.
There was 12 of us all aroundhim talking loudly, giggling,
laughing, eating.
He didn't even blink.
Those two looked like they werein a bubble alone.
And when he left I said he wasreally present, right, she goes.
Oh my God.
(15:16):
She said.
It was as if everyone in theroom dissolved.
And when I saw you do that withsomeone be that present, years
ago, I said I want to do that, Iwant to be that present and,
hopefully, everyone listening.
You have someone in your lifethat inspires you to raise up,
(15:39):
to do something different, totry something different.
You, you've inspired that andyou do go the path of least
resistance, which is yoga.
It's saying this is unfolding.
How do you be with it?
Not how do you change it?
I was a changer, right, I wouldwant to smash it.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
And and and I, I, the .
The experience of myself isthat I know that I love
luxurious things too.
You know, I love having likerich experiences, I love new
experiences, I love things thatmoney can buy, but I don't
remain attached to them.
And it's like, it's almost likeif you're driving down Ocean
(16:21):
Boulevard, and for me it's likeif the sun's setting.
It's like, oh my God, pull downto the bay and sit and watch
the sunset, because that's themoment, that's what's going on,
there's this whole solar systemand all these things going on,
and we don't take time.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
I wasn't able to do that and some listeners might
not be able to because that'snot safe.
So the right and the left sideof the brain we, me and Dan this
is really our real lifediscussion is I share with him
that, that he inspired me and itwas scary when he would say,
joe, let's go to the Bay, no, Idon't want to.
(17:03):
Or there was a.
There was years where we wouldwalk in town, a specific walk,
and he would say, can we go here?
No, I don't want to, I justwant to walk.
And it wasn't controlling, itwas controlling to feel safe.
I felt so unsafe in my body, mymind, my spirit, my soul.
(17:24):
Trauma changed the way that Ithink.
So pulling over for a sunsetwas unsafe because it wasn't
planned and I don't have controlover it.
And people in the world don't.
Some of you listening might notrealize you are running
limbically.
(17:44):
Everything in your life isthrough a fear lens and about
how can I not feel this?
Or stay so rigid that nothingelse happens.
I live that way and it took alot of time for you to get me
and not even get me.
I invite those things butsometimes I don't Like.
(18:07):
The other day we were bikeriding and Dan said you want to
go see the sunset?
I said Nope, I just wanted toget my bike ride in and and so,
but I'm also aware of that now,where before we couldn't take a
different route.
Do you hear that?
And I hope you hear this andthat opens your heart to have
(18:29):
compassion, because some peoplecan't regulate.
I couldn't regulate, I wasstuck in a fear response.
Speaker 1 (18:38):
Yeah, being open to that conversation, being open to
learning you, you you'll alsorealize that just this, this
little piece, is so rich in that.
Uh, let me, let me think of howI want to say this.
(18:59):
So, so, whether you're learningsomething on the computer, or
learning to play the piano, orlearning a different language,
or learning yoga asana orlearning yoga mantra, the piano,
or learning a differentlanguage, or learning yoga asana
or learning yoga mantra,there's techniques, and so
techniques are a critical pieceof learning.
It's like if you find atechnique, you do it over and
over and over and over again,and then you do it over and over
(19:24):
and over again until it becomesyou, and then the technique
almost dissolves away.
So if you have a technique thatallows you to feel safe, an
approach to life, and you keepdoing it over and over and over
again, you can create enoughsafety.
(19:46):
Where then you can expand fromthat?
So I'm always cautious not totake a snapshot.
You can create enough safetywhere then you can expand from
that.
I'm always cautious not to takea snapshot and lay everything
on the line for that, becausethat snapshot is a glimpse, it's
fleeting, it's not going tolast.
So allowing people in your life.
(20:09):
I don't want to sound redundant, but allowance.
Speaker 2 (20:13):
It is redundant To be who they are.
It's repetitive.
Yeah, the allowance.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
Yeah, so for me, what's critical in relationship
is that to honor and respectpeople where they are so that
they can blossom from that point.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
Yeah, you know meeting life and people where
they are.
And I want to go back to whatyou said about technique,
technique, technique.
That's why you have to havepractices.
When, when people say they doyoga or teach yoga, what do you?
Go to yoga class and leave?
That's that's taking a class.
Where are the practices everyday, because there's 23 other
(20:57):
hours.
And practice is this in IFS andin yoga and in neurosculpting
and a lot of the things I study.
This is why I study them, andAkashic Records, sculpting and a
lot of the things I study.
This is why I study them andAkashic records.
All of this is aboutrelationship with self and
knowing I'm not those otherlittle selves, small S meaning.
(21:19):
When you're stuck in trauma,you're stuck, frozen in time.
So, uh, some people getarrested at a certain age, right
, you get stuck.
So clients I work with aresometimes 10 years old.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
That's who I'm talking to, even if they're 60.
Yes, chronologically.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
Yes.
And what happens is when you'refrozen in time and you're
behaving from that 10 or 12 yearold or five year old, you don't
even know that you're older.
So you're behaving from that 10or 12 year old or five year old
.
You don't even know that you'reolder, so you're still afraid
to experience anything becauseyou think you're four or you
think you're 10.
(22:00):
So the goal in IFS is to buildself energy and trust.
To say what helped me Jodi themost is realizing I am old
enough, wise enough, strongenough, intelligent enough to
take care of myself, no matterwhat.
(22:20):
I'm not five, I'm not 10.
But when I, years ago, Ithought I was still the
five-year-old or thethree-year-old that experienced
severe trauma and she was livingmy life to try to keep me safe,
didn't know, didn't ask for herneeds to be met, didn't know
how to meet her needs, didn'tstate anything, people pleased,
(22:43):
lied, manipulated to get needsmet.
And what happens is that comesinto real time now and you and
your partner, me and you aretalking and meanwhile you're
talking to a three-year-old andyou don't know it.
So how do you get beyond that?
The practices are saying, yes,I'm safe now, but not now as a
(23:05):
three-year-old.
I'm 50.
We're not there anymore.
Come home and that part mightnot want to because it doesn't
know us.
So that's why it goes back toyoga and relationship.
You're building an intimaterelationship with all of your
memories, all of your stories,all of your parts, so you can
(23:27):
co-create your life with thedivine intelligence in the
present moment, as you are inyour highest potential yes, and
then when you accomplish orattain or somehow feel like
you've arrived there, guess what?
there's more and, and this couldtake some time yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
I think patience, understanding, approaching with
love they're all supportive ofself-realization.
What's the big deal about likeso?
(24:17):
Why would anyone want to beself-realized?
It takes work and effort and um, but I get the feeling that
when you realize yourself, youfeel calmer, more in the moment,
more present Things affect youless.
You can't be rocked.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
Yes, Life happens and you stay.
You don't get pulled by lifeVictimization and living
externally or sensory wise, likeliving according to external
stimulus.
You, I had no idea who I was.
You won't know who you are,because if someone farts, it
(25:00):
stinks.
If this smells good, it's great.
Oh, I love Dan because heplayed this music.
I don't like Jackie because ofthis or this.
If you live continuallyaccording to what's going on in
the outside, you lose yourself.
It's like you're in outside.
You lose yourself.
Speaker 1 (25:12):
It's like you're in a washing machine.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
Yeah, so you think who you are according to what
the outer world tells you, andit doesn't happen until you get
to a certain age and a certainpractice and a certain place
where you don't listen to theoutside.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
You ask who am I?
All the tools that you shareand from your experience in life
and yoga, those are the toolsthat bring you closer to a
self-realization.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
Yes, yoga is self-realization, ifs is
self-leadership, meaning capitalS is leading the way, not my
parts In this podcast.
Before it starts in mind tomyself, I say I ask my parts to
back out.
I ask them to take a seat tojoin us so that I can be in self
(26:01):
, in my heart, and not ego orstory or try to prove something
or try to be something I'm not,or to say something.
So you all like me.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
That's behind me there, all my parts or
whatever's here is sitting withme, so I can share what
authentically comes throughthat's from yoga yeah, I feel
incredibly fortunate to havepursued this relationship with
you, because I remember, wayback when we would, we would
have little disagreements and Iwould say to you, I said to you,
(26:34):
joe, I'm not, I'm not trying tobe right here, you know, and
that I feel like was was a alittle good brick that that we
built on that we came to anunderstanding that if we were
disagreeing on something, I wasreally just trying to make
something productive or get to acertain level where it was
(26:55):
copacetic, where things were inharmony, you know, versus trying
to win a fight or getting morecheck marks on.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
You know, winning something it's just and this is
beautiful to share with everyoneis I didn't understand that I
didn't come from a household ofconversation that Dan offered.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
Well, I didn't come from a household of that either.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
No, but you.
I was still in trauma.
I had the brain tumor growing.
I had multiple health concernswhen I met Dan, when I met, when
me and Dan reunited, I was inthe hospital having five bone
amputations, possibly losing alimb.
A toe is a toe.
It's not me, let's notexaggerate, but still I was not
(27:42):
well and also I was still in myaddiction 15 years ago.
I just stopped my addiction 15years ago and this was all with
Dan.
And Dan brought this newconversation to my life and I
watched my parts want to rejecthim because he was unsafe, he
(28:04):
was unfamiliar, he wasn'tpredictable.
I never knew, and I still don'tknow, what the heck this man is
going to say.
Oh my God, in yoga class he'llwalk in and I don't.
I don't know what's going tohappen.
And it's great sometimes, andother times it ain't anyway.
Uh, but I, I invite you all tohear this, because when they see
(28:28):
us together, they think wepeople, we work together and
everything's peachy.
It's not.
We work at conversing.
And it has taken me years tounderstand that you aren't
looking to win, you aren'tlooking to be right.
I didn't understand thatbecause if I was wrong, it meant
I'm going to get in trouble orsomething bad's going to happen,
(28:49):
and that's.
I was stuck or frozen atdifferent ages of time and it
takes a lot to thaw out.
I want to share that too.
We now have this new somaticyoga or the polyvagal theory,
and everybody wants, and noweveryone is talking about I'm so
(29:10):
collapsed, I'm just shut down.
Um, you can't go from shut downto kumbaya, my lord, that's not
how the nervous system works.
It's.
I was so completely shut downthat it took years to thaw out
to to rage, and then from rageit turned into sadness,
(29:33):
depression, sorrow, and then itturned into I'm able to regulate
myself and feel all the feelsand not fly into a habitual
pattern of defensiveness orshutdown or fighting or arguing.
There really is a process tocome back to wholeness, and not
(29:57):
that you're not already whole,but I forgot.
Speaker 1 (30:01):
Yeah, yeah, I get the feeling that it's almost a
knee-jerk reaction for somebodyto want to define themselves
with a certain word like that.
It's kind of like the conceptof you know, if somebody says,
(30:21):
yeah, I'm a shaman it's likethen run I was just going to say
run.
None of my greatest teacherscall themselves by anything like
that.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
It's like, it's like they, because they're being it
yeah, and when we share thesewords being, and even when me
and you talk about being, it'slike, yeah, man, I'm here, I'm
being.
There's so many steps to get tobeing.
One of our friends said youAmericans like all these steps.
(30:56):
She said you Americans likesteps.
Yes, and they're importantbecause you also took steps to
get enlightened, like thisperson's enlightened in this
lifetime, but you did do thingsto get there.
That's what we share.
I don't want people to thinkyou wake up one day and you're
enlightened.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
That's not the truth.
There's a process.
Even if you're not writing itdown as you go for a book,
there's a process that happens.
Speaker 2 (31:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
There's an inquiry, yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:28):
There's an awareness, there's an allowing.
That word you like, that it'shmm, who's here now?
(31:58):
Who needs to be right?
Who, who doesn't want to beneutral, who doesn't want to let
it go, who wants to consumeRight, right, or who's so afraid
to do this or that?
It's when, when I finallysettled in to to me, I realized
how afraid of life I really wasdue to all the things I
experienced.
I contracted so much I almostlost myself in that contraction.
I did, I almost died because Ididn't want to live, because it
was so uncertain.
I didn't think I could regulateit, regulate myself.
And now it's not, I'm notstronger, like, yeah, I can do
(32:23):
this.
It's really this gentleness ofwow, I'm so aware of all the
skills and tools I have and thatI've become and I can use them
to navigate, lila, navigate thepulsation of consciousness of
I'm lost.
Or wow, we just spent $20,000on the dentist.
There goes our savings, right,that's true, that's what, listen
(32:48):
, y'all are going to go throughthat at one point in time.
Dentists are expensive.
It's like one minute you have alittle savings and the next
minute there goes the dentist.
And to not feel cheated orpunished or sad or scared,
because that's money, is apulsing, it's an energy, it's
(33:08):
like it comes, you have it andthen thank God, we have it for
it to go.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
Yes, yeah, you almost want to celebrate the going Bon
voyage.
Speaker 2 (33:25):
Arrivederci.
Don't forget to write.
Oh my God, wow.
Thank you, dan.
Thank you, jo.
Forget to write.
Oh my god, wow, uh thank youdan thank you, joe.
Become one living at gmailcom.
If you hear something, if itstands out, if you want to share
something, yeah write us yeah,please.
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