March 18, 2025 • 40 mins
Leslie and Angella dismantle the myth that "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" by sharing powerful personal revelations about self-imposed limitations they've overcome in their decades-long friendship.
• Leslie shares how she loved convertible cars for years but never thought she could own one until a lightbulb moment changed everything
• The hosts discuss how we restrict ourselves from joy by assuming certain things aren't "for us"
• Angella reveals her journey to setting boundaries in friendships that don't align with her values
• Leslie opens up about her recent divorce and realized she was deserving of personal fulfillment in her marriage
• The liberation of taking time off work without apology and discovering nobody is indispensable
• The difference between fleeting happiness and deeper, more meaningful joy
• The most significant limitations on what we can do often come from our own minds
What are you restricting yourself from experiencing? What would bring joy to your life that you've convinced yourself isn't for you?
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey Ange.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
Hey Les, How's it going?
Speaker 1 (00:11):
It's going well.
The reason I hesitated I'm alittle tired.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Yeah so.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
I had to get some caffeine nearby.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Oh see, yeah, Vitamin .
Yes, I've had a C yeah 20s Busycouple days.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
past couple days traveling and doing stuff, so
it's like I'm burning a candleat both ends, and that doesn't
go over well for old people.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
No, we need our rest like we need our soft shoes
Because we will get knocked out.
Yeah, did you say soft shoes?
Yeah, we need rest and soft.
Need our soft shoes.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
Because we will get knocked out.
Yeah, did you say soft shoes?
Yeah, we need rest and softshoes, you know?
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Okay, all right, that sounds like an 80-year-old told
you that.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Listen, listen.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
I don't need soft shoes.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
I wear them, but I don't need them.
You wear stilettos?
Oh, yeah, okay.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
When's the last time I saw you in a pair of six
inches?
Speaker 1 (01:07):
It's just, I choose not to.
That's all there you go.
That's all there you go.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
But my lighting just went dark.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
As usual, I can fix that.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
I don't know why that happens.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
I think it needs movement or something it says.
She's so bright I'm going todim a little bit, so it's not to
show her up.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Is it better?
I'm going to dim a little bitso as not to show her up, is it
better?
No, it's the same.
Is it better, but it's okay?
Oh, my goodness, is it okay,though.
Is it really?
Speaker 1 (01:30):
So welcome to another episode of Black Boomer Besties
from Brooklyn.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Hey folks, I'm Angella, and you know who that
is.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
I'm Leslie.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
That's my bestie, leslie.
We have been best friends foralmost 50 years and you know,
this is the thing we are twofree-thinking older Black women
and we just like having candidconversations about life.
We tend to go deep on things,and so and and we have been
(02:03):
through a series, a series ofseries of, of, of changes in our
perspectives over the years,and so, as things come up, we
bring them here, we talk aboutthem, we agree, we disagree, we
fight, we make up, we um we'venever fought, Never, ever.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
Isn't that crazy?
That's really crazy.
We've never had a period whereit's like I'm not speaking to
that bitch.
I'm not talking to her.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Not one time.
It's Angie on the phone.
Don't answer.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Don't answer.
I'm not home.
We never do that.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
It's even silly to think about.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Isn't it crazy?
We've never done it, never doneit, never done it.
And it's not for lack of trying.
No, I'm kidding, I just won'tgo away Like a wart.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
I just keep coming back Like a wart oh my gosh, Do
people still get those?
It just used to be a thing Likethere was always something on
some advertisement on TV aboutwarts Cam for eight or something
.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Yes, like.
But then they realized the FDAtook that crap off because it's
like it doesn't work.
That's not how you treat warts,what you know.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Is that why?
That's what I'm thinking.
Who knew they didn't want toget sued?
They didn't want to get sued.
Anyway, no more snake oil.
No more snake oil, just for youknow, just for crypto and
things like that.
But Just for you know, just forcrypto and things like that.
But anyway, I didn't say that,so, les, what are we talking
about today?
Speaker 1 (03:30):
So listen, you know that saying you can't teach an
old dog new tricks.
I do know that saying yes, it'snot true, it's not true, it's
really not true, it's not true.
It's really not true, becauseone thing that I realized is
that it's never too late to donew things.
(03:52):
Not only that, it's not toolate to live new dreams or to
dream up new dreams.
Let me give an example.
I know this is going to soundreally funny, but in my entire
grown-ass life and it's been along one.
(04:15):
I love driving convertible cars.
I think they're cool.
I think you know, for somereason, the vision of just like
the TV, stall it.
Maybe you know, with the scarfaround the head and driving on a
Pacific Coast highway and youknow, life is so fun and
frivolous in the sun.
I'm a sun worshiper, so the sunand this.
(04:37):
I always loved drivingconvertibles and it honestly
never occurred to me that Icould own a convertible.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Like you could choose to buy one versus renting one
when you go on trips or whatever.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Whenever I would vacation Maui, california,
florida I would always rent aconvertible Okay.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
I would always rent a convertible.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
Okay, but it never once occurred that this is
something that I could own.
Isn't that crazy?
It's crazy.
And then, like one I don'tremember when, but it occurred
to me like wait a minute, Idon't have to rent these cars
all the time.
I could actually drive one allthe time, and that's when I got
(05:28):
my first convertible.
But it was just weird when Ithink about it, because for
decades it just never occurredto me.
Why don't you buy yourself aconvertible, right?
Speaker 2 (05:40):
Isn't that weird?
I think it's weird because it'snot about whether you could
afford one of those types ofthings at all.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
No, it wasn't like that.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
It was about.
It's almost like did you notthink you deserved it, or it
just wasn't for you deep.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
It was just that I just never thought that it was
something that people, that Icould own.
It was only the it's theweirdest thing.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
I only had the option to rent one.
I could never have onepermanently.
I don't understand it just inretrospect.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
None of that makes sense.
None and when the light bulbcame on that wait a minute, les,
you could buy one.
That's why I now have two.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
You could actually have one.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
You can vacation all the time and I could have it,
and I could take the top downwhen I want and put the top up
when I want.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
Oh, I'll, I'll, I'll, um put up, put up, put up a
picture or whatever, but it'slike let me tell you guys a
picture.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
It's almost like the world opened up.
I'm going to find the picture.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
When we were in Florida and you bought the um,
the, the outdoor furniture forthe backyard.
Speaker 1 (07:08):
Oh, and we to get it from you.
See, you're just trying to turnthis into something ugly.
No, no, no, no, let's shameLeslie again.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
This is not a shame.
Why is that shameful?
Are you feeling ashamed?
Speaker 1 (07:20):
No.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
No.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
This isn't a shame.
All right what she's saying isthe reason.
She See, that wasn't evengermane to the conversation.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
And you just brought something else in that wasn't.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
That's not what I was , that's not the wind in my hair
and with the bonnet and singingGood.
Speaker 2 (07:38):
Day Sunshine.
No, here is why that comes tomind for me.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
We would never have been able to get that stuff home
without your convertible.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
It's true, we wouldn't have been able to take
it home, it's true.
So what she's saying is one ofmy convertibles is down in
Florida at my house and it's theonly car that I have down there
.
So it's the fun car, the beachcar, the workhorse car, the car
that you should not put stuffinto your nice leather seats.
(08:11):
Instead, get a truck car.
You know it's like I haul it,it's the workhorse, it's the
workhorse yeah, but it's alsothe wreck horse.
So that's what she's talkingabout.
We kind of furnished the houseTransporna.
You should see the pictures ofthe trees I put in the back when
.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
I was doing landscaping.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
I haven't seen.
It's been a while that we don'treally think about things as
being attainable until we attainthem.
And then it's like why didn't Ido this years ago?
That's right, let me tell you afunny story and then I'll let
you jump in.
(08:59):
But I'm sitting at a dinner acouple of months ago and and
people were just talking aboutlike old times and this and
whatever, and one of the guysthere said that you know, he
grew up eating Pop-Tarts I'm aPop-Tart girl Cinnamon and then
(09:20):
the strawberry frosted I'm aPop-Tart girl.
So I'm like I'm leaning in andlistening and we're all talking
about yeah, and they were sayinghow, you know, they would grab
the Pop-Tart and take it toschool with them or whatever as
breakfast or whatever you know,and it's like they're eating out
the package and stuff like that.
And then he went up to hisfriend's house one or two levels
(09:45):
above him, and he said that theguy put the Pop-Tart in a
toaster and that was the firsttime he had a heated-up Pop-Tart
.
He's like whoosh, he's like theworld opened up to him.
(10:06):
He's like what you could putthis in a toaster.
It took it to such another level.
He's like oh my God, it wastoasted and we were cracking up
laughing.
But again, it was somethingthat he didn't even and I guess,
(10:26):
like the car, it's not like hecouldn't afford a tote because
he got the Pop-Tarts already.
It just never occurred thatthat was a thing that was doable
.
Speaker 2 (10:37):
Right right that that could be a part of his life.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
Yes, and that's just it.
I looked at driving aconvertible as a vacation
pleasure only Wow, wow.
And then when I realized howridiculous that was and it's
like get the doggone convertible.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
Get the convertible and then.
I bought my first convertibleoff of Craigslist Remember that,
yeah, and the thing is thatonce you kind of allowed this in
, like the idea in.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
Then the floodgates opened, then Leslie was back.
What else can I get?
Hey, another one For the other,one for down south, one for up
here.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
Yeah, yeah, and I love it.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
I've never, looked back or regretted it.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
I almost can't remember how you were without a
convertible.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
I know right, I was just with my little sunroof
trying to get as much sun as Icould.
But I mean you enjoy them somuch, they're so like you know,
mean you enjoy you enjoy them somuch, they're so oh like you
know, yes, so so much isn't thatcrazy, and you deny yourself it
is it is crazy.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
Okay now, this was hard for me to think about um to
come up with, because I'm kindof wired to think in
possibilities.
Yes yes, so it was hard, butthere are definitely some things
that I never, that neveroccurred to you that you could
(12:16):
do or attain or have.
Speaker 1 (12:17):
Never occurred to me Like what Never, never, never
occurred to me.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
Okay, I had to write some down.
So this one I never, everthought that I could dismiss a
friendship.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
Are you trying to tell me something?
Speaker 2 (12:38):
I never thought.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
Is this the warning light?
Listen.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
I got tenure.
I have tenure in thisfriendship, so I'm not going to
let that go.
It's like I'm not giving up mypassport.
I'm not Exactly so, but here'swhat I mean.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
So go ahead.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
I'm saying it with all kind of.
I never thought that I couldestablish boundaries for myself.
And the way that I wanted to bein joy.
I never thought I could makethose things stick.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
I never thought that.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
It's huge.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
So say a little bit more about what you mean in
terms of letting go offriendships mean is that I have
had now two friendships thatwere so incongruent with the way
(13:36):
that I want to live my lifethat I no longer long for them.
I don't wish I had them, Idon't.
I'm not trying to reconcile.
I don't mean thatreconciliation could never
(13:57):
happen.
That's not what I mean at all.
I just mean I never thoughtthat I could do this and not
always try to make things work.
I always thought that I wouldhave to bend and tolerate and
you know, okay, maybe I'll seethem less often or those types
(14:19):
of things.
But it's shocking to me howinvoluntary it is now, like, in
a way, I couldn't make myself.
I couldn't make myself be theone who says, ok, let's agree to
(14:41):
disagree, or whatever it is.
I can't make myself do thatanymore.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
My boundaries are so clear.
Wow, and you realized that youweren't getting what you wanted
from the relationships or yeah,I just realized that.
You know, I talk about this heremaybe not as often as I used to
, but joy is a really centralpart of my life, and I don't
(15:08):
mean happiness, I mean thethings that are fulfilling, the
things that are aligned with myvalues and things like that and
in these two cases they're notaligned with my values and in a
way like tolerating them is notan option for me anymore think
(15:48):
that's a bold step and and and Iapplaud you for that because
it's like I know you're anurturer, I am you're also the
type of person that bends overbackwards to be in community
with someone, so it's like foryou to say you know, that's it.
You know, this is what I mean.
I never thought I could, yeah,yeah, that's never thought I
could do it and and the thing isit's not with anger, like I'm
not at the point.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
I was angry, Like I got there and that's kind of
what made me start to see things.
But I'm not talking about itright here with any, any, any
sense of anger.
It is really around boundaries.
What am I going to let in?
What am I not going to let in?
And listen, I pray for them.
(16:29):
You know I don't wish them anyharm.
There's not any iniquity oranything.
It's just that's not for meanymore.
It's not for me anymore and tryas I might, I couldn't make it
for me anymore.
I couldn't make it for me.
So that's one of the thingsthat I thought about, that I
(16:51):
really never thought I could do.
I always thought that I could,I would be the one to, because I
have a forgiving kind of spirit.
I always felt like, oh, I couldforgive anyone and I can, but I
don't have to have you in mylife.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
That's the key.
But I really think that's ahallmark of forgiveness.
You know we don't have to saywe will continue to allow you in
our lives to do that thing overagain, to hurt us again, or
whatever Forgiveness is.
I wish you well.
I'm not wishing that it didn'thappen and dwelling on things
(17:32):
like that.
Right, but I don't mind ifyou're over there yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
And they don't need to do anything.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
There's nothing that they need to do.
You're not looking for anythingfrom them.
I'm not looking for anything.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
Exactly.
It's just, yeah, I'm on my flowand it's like see you, bye, bye
, bye, bye, wow, but you knowwhat?
Speaker 1 (17:54):
I'll tell you, this one is kind of deep though, okay
, but you stirred this up in meand made me think about it,
because you're saying how itdoesn't work for you anymore in
your life or you're being aboutjoy.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
That's why I ended my marriage.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
And that's why I'm now divorced.
Wow, wait, hold on.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
Like you didn't know about this, I know, but this is
a whole nother level.
Wait, this is a whole notherlevel.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
Wait.
Well, what you said is that?
Well, what I was thinking isthat what I realized for myself
is that I was tolerating anexistence Wow, and it didn't
occur to me that my life couldbe different.
(18:47):
Wow, it didn't occur to me thatmy life could be different.
Wow, it didn't occur to me.
You know, I, as most people Isuppose I don't think I'm unique
in this I took my marriage vowsvery seriously and I also took
the for better or worse veryseriously.
(19:09):
Right, and you know, not am I I?
You know, as you know, I gotwith my husband when I was kind
of young.
I didn't know very much about,you know, marriage and unions
and things like that.
I just thought that peoplestayed married no matter what,
(19:31):
and then, if this was the worst,then the better comes later, or
if this is the better, orwhatever.
But what eventually happened inmy marriage and my together for
decades is that I realized thatone I was never going to be
(19:53):
personally fulfilled in mymarriage.
Never, and, believe it or not,I didn't think that that was a
requirement of a union,partnership, of a marriage.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
Did you never think, or were you willing to not have,
that because of the bigger kindof principles?
Speaker 1 (20:24):
It was certainly the bigger principle of you know.
It was certainly the biggerprinciple and I had years ago
reconciled and put in my headthat I will just live my life
like this.
You know it was a decision Imade that in order to stay in
this relationship, I had to putaside the desire for joy or the
(20:48):
desire for that type ofconnection that I wanted.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
And instead.
Speaker 1 (20:57):
I just never knew that there would be anything
else for me in terms of a spouseor relationship.
But over the years, whateventually happened is that we
started living separate livesbecause obviously well, not
(21:19):
obviously, but he wasn'tapparently being fulfilled
either, as neither was I, so wejust started doing our own thing
either, as neither was I, so wejust started doing our own
thing.
You know, and you know, becauseI have the personality that I
have, I have the circle offriends and family and whatever.
I had way more outlets, but Ihonestly say it never occurred
(21:42):
to me that I would leave mymarriage and seek the joy and
the contentment and the lovethat I wanted and felt.
I needed.
Speaker 2 (21:56):
It never even occurred to me.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
Isn't that interesting.
You know, some people thinklike I thought about divorce a
long time ago.
I didn't Right.
Wow I wish I did actually.
We probably would have savedeach other some heartache and
time, and all of that, but itjust it may not it may never
have occurred to him either, butI mean, who wouldn't want to be
(22:21):
with me?
Speaker 2 (22:22):
I, this is what I'm thinking- it's like this is what
I'm thinking.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
It's like what the hell Crazy, that's crazy talk,
but for me, I never thought thata fulfilling relationship would
be part of my life and I just,I know, isn't that crazy?
And it was okay for a whilebecause I had so much other
(22:49):
things that completed me but,just not that.
And then, through a series ofevents, it finally said like the
Pop-Tarts ding wait a minute.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
There's another way.
Wow, there's another way, wow.
Speaker 1 (23:07):
There's another way.
And not only is that other way,is there another way?
But I could have that.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
Oh, you know that world is not.
I'm not excluded from that.
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
And that's when I started making a move that I
deserve to have, that what I waslooking for and yearning for
and put aside was not crazy, wasnot unreasonable.
It didn't make me any less of aChristian woman or of a godly
(23:46):
wife.
You know these were normalneeds, and I wonder what is it
about me that made me be okayfor so long you know and settle
for less you know, right, yeah,so isn't that interesting
(24:22):
knowing how many times youbasically said you know, this is
my lot in life.
Speaker 2 (24:33):
That's what I did.
That's what I did.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
I said you know, god brought him to me, and God
brought us together, and thismust be the way he wants me to
live in my life?
I don't know, but this was mythinking.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
You know, we think we have the ceremony.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
God brings you together.
Let no man put us asunder.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
And so you said, like you don't know why, you but
society, right, For wrongfully,I'm not judging this statement,
but society puts thatexpectation on you, right, we
live in the culture you knowlong-term marriages are highly,
highly, highly, highly, highly,highly celebrated in our culture
(25:20):
, right, when everybody, oh,you're married for 65 years.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
Yeah, if you can be married for 65 years and you
haven't committed murder, listen, give that person a medal.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
But here's the thing you were up until this point,
you were willing to be thatperson.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
I wanted to be that person.
You know and initially Ithought it was a more a failing
on my part.
That when I decided that this,I can't do it anymore.
That, you know.
And what I realized and this isreal, what helped me make that
(26:06):
decision was that I saw the twoof us and we were not our best
selves and that was the samething for him.
You know, he was not his bestself.
I've known him for you know, asI said many decades um, he was
not his best self, and I was notand I knew that we were doing
(26:26):
that to each other.
You know creating that in eachother, and I was not.
And I knew that we were doingthat to each other.
You know creating that in eachother, and that's not right.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
You know that's not right yeah.
Crazy right, but it neveroccurred to me that.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
I could be happy in a relationship you know?
Speaker 2 (26:42):
Yeah, I wonder why it occurred to me.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
I wonder why it occurred to me Ding.
I wonder why it occurred to me.
Speaker 2 (26:52):
Yes, oh my gosh, yes, I've been divorced twice and
(27:20):
around you know being stayingtogether no matter what, being
saying together no matter what,and I think some people think,
even if there is different typesof abuse physical, mental,
emotional, financial abusepeople still think that you
should stay with that personspiritual protection from
(27:45):
abusive marriages and thingslike that.
Yeah, yeah, wow, liz, I don'tknow.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
Anything else that you can think of that you, I
think I have one more that, likeit never occurred to me that
this was a possibility, shall Isay I'm afraid I don't know what
you're going to say no, no, no,don't be afraid, it's not scary
.
Okay, it's not scary.
Last fall I took three monthsoff from work.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
Oh yes.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
It never occurred to me that that was something that
I could do.
Speaker 2 (28:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
You know, I was dealing with things at home and
the stress of whatever.
Remember, I know we did apodcast.
I overslept a couple of times.
I was tired, I wasn't takingcare of myself very well.
And I decided that I need to.
(28:59):
I wasn't bringing my best selfto work and my patients.
So I took time off from workand I guess in my 20 plus years
as a physician I never knewthat's something, that one could
do unless you're sick, likepeople would say.
(29:22):
are you not well?
Is something going on?
Or is this FMLA family leave?
Are you taking care of a family?
I said no, I'm just tired.
Speaker 2 (29:30):
Just tired.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
And it's like what?
First of all, I never thoughtthat I could live for three
months without a salary.
I never thought that the jobwould do okay without me,
because I didn't want to leavemy colleagues in the lurch.
Yeah, you couldn't be selfishlike that.
They did fine.
They did just fine and it was atime for me to just step back,
(29:55):
reflect on some things, chill,sleep late and whatever.
But again, and who like people,take sabbaticals in order to
take care of some projects andstuff?
I don't call mine a sabbaticalbecause I wanted to watch minute
can I?
take.
And it's so funny because thejob was like fill out this
(30:30):
online thing and press thebutton In one minute.
It was like approved done.
Wendy and my manager keptasking when do you think you're
going to come back?
I'm not sure, maybe January andthis and that, and it's like,
okay, what?
That's crazy.
Speaker 2 (30:46):
The job didn't fall apart.
Speaker 1 (30:48):
It stayed.
Patients did well without me.
People welcomed me back.
When I came back, it was likewhat?
Speaker 2 (30:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
So here's the thing I'm telling you it is possible
to take the time, your personaltime, if you need it.
Why?
Because everybody else does.
And nobody, nobody, nobody.
Is indispensable, right wethink oh, it's a family.
(31:19):
I got to be there.
You know what?
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
If I had stayed out a little bit longer, they would
have forgotten my name.
I'm sure I came back so thatthey could pronounce Ose Tutu
properly.
That's why I came backno-transcript and I just kept
(32:14):
thinking Stephanie Perry in myhead like you want to be, this
is your lazy time.
You want?
Speaker 2 (32:19):
to live a life of ease and it's like ease what
ease, what?
Speaker 1 (32:25):
We think that that's foreign and that's for other
people.
It's like the convertible that'sfor somebody else.
You know that's not somethingfor me.
You know and it's like or likeDr Kimani says you know it's.
You can leave a job that's notworking for you.
You can leave a job that'shurting you, but we don't think
(32:46):
of it like that.
And I say what I've been sayingnow the last couple of months
when I speak to folks is thatthe only limitation on the
things that you can do is comingfrom here year we first have to
(33:08):
.
I had that conversation todaywith another physician I was
working with, because she waswondering when she can retire
and should I retire?
and whatever I said, listen.
The first thing you have to dois put it in your head that it's
a possibility.
We often arrest our ownprogress.
Speaker 2 (33:22):
Yeah, because we never think that it's possible.
Speaker 1 (33:27):
I'm telling you go get that convertible.
Speaker 2 (33:30):
Get it.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
You better go get it.
Get it, put that top down andlet your hair go.
Speaker 2 (33:35):
Get that Pop-Tart into the toaster.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (33:38):
Do it.
Yes, do it.
It's for you A warm Pop-Tart isyour right Exactly, and leave
that man if he's fucking withyou.
No, you know, I'm glad that wecan make light of things like
that, but the concept is reallytrue.
Yeah, it is true.
(33:58):
Yeah, it is true.
Speaker 2 (34:00):
It is true, wow, so this is who we are folks.
This is who we are.
We push against and you knowthis isn't as you said.
She's been in this situation inher marriage for a long time.
So it's not one day you wake upand it's like boop.
(34:21):
It wasn't one day I woke up andit was like, oh, I am not going
to really deal with toxicfriendships anymore, I'm not
going to.
Speaker 1 (34:28):
You know, it's a series of just constantly
evaluating your life and whatmakes it better, what doesn't
make it better, and are youmoving toward the way that you
want to live in your life tolook like, right toward the way
that you want to live and yourlife to look like and project to
(34:49):
yourself in five years from now?
Would I be happy where I amtoday and if not, that's the day
to make the changes.
It was just the same thing whenI, you know, starting medical
school at age 36.
You know, I said that if Icontinued teaching, how would I
(35:13):
feel in five years from now?
And I just said, you know, Ineed to see what else I can do,
if I can move toward my dream ofbeing in medicine and becoming
a physician, and thank God I did.
But that's where it starts.
It has to start in your mindfirst.
Speaker 2 (35:31):
Yeah, and I'm just going to make one adjustment I'm
going to swap out the wordhappy for the word joyful.
Right, and I really, reallymake this point, because
happiness is kind of it's atransient, it's like a.
It can be a moment in in timeand it's oftentimes not, um,
(35:59):
within your control.
Joyful is just another level.
Speaker 1 (36:06):
It is like goes from here to up here.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
It's a divine it's a divine right yeah it's a divine
right to be enjoyed, to findsatisfaction, to feel, um, you
know that you are living thelife that you are meant to live,
and that's a whole differentlevel than happy.
Speaker 1 (36:29):
Yeah, you know what I mean.
This sounds like a wholeepisode, a podcast episode,
coming up you know, yeah, it'scoming up, yeah.
Are you living in happiness orare you living in joy?
Speaker 2 (36:42):
You know?
Speaker 1 (36:42):
Oh, we got the title, all right, I would say that I'm
living in joy right now.
How's it feel?
And it's going to be even moredifferent.
Yeah, oh, it feels wonderful,it does.
Speaker 2 (36:56):
I'm proud of myself.
You should be.
You should be.
Oh my gosh, I, you know, Ithink the world of you, you know
, I think that I mean it wasreally difficult.
(37:24):
It was really, it's still, itwas really difficult.
Speaker 1 (37:27):
It's still difficult.
Speaker 2 (37:27):
Yeah, I mean nobody wants to, and so I think that
it's hard to see someone youlove go through that, and it's
also knowing that when you gothrough difficulty, if you go
through it in the right way,like in a posture of what am I
(37:49):
supposed to be learning fromthis to take into my next thing.
Speaker 1 (37:53):
And I know that.
Speaker 2 (37:54):
That's how you have been.
It's one of the key things thathas helped you to make it
through without coming throughlike battered and bruised, and
you know just kind of likebarely making it out the door.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
And there have been times that I did barely make it
out the door.
You know what I mean andperhaps you know those are the
things that led me to take thetime off from work.
You know the times when Icouldn't get out the bed, or
this or that you know, yeah, wow, yeah Wow.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (38:28):
You're something else Will you be my bestie.
Speaker 1 (38:31):
Oh, I think so.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, thankyou, let's thinky, thinky,
thinky.
Yes, yes, yes, there you go.
So I want you all, now that youall are subscribers and you're
getting notifications thinkabout some of the things that
would not only bring you joy inyour life.
But what kind of bars are youputting?
(38:55):
Pull down the shade.
What are you restrictingyourself?
You restricting yourself, notothers, because you can think
about that and come up withstrategies to work on other
people, but for yourself.
That's where it has to start.
Speaker 2 (39:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (39:15):
Because when I decided, for example, to go to
medical school as a singleparent as a this, as a that, as
a this when people were tellingme this is impossible, what are
you talking about?
Speaker 2 (39:27):
You got a kid and this and that You're a.
Speaker 1 (39:30):
Fijian kid and doing all of this, but I first decided
that this was something that Iwas going to attempt to do.
Speaker 2 (39:37):
And then the rest is history.
Speaker 1 (39:38):
Thank you, Jesus.
Speaker 2 (39:40):
Yes, yeah, yeah, Because man again.
Leslie you're a keeper.
Okay, okay, good You'll neverbe rid of me.
You will never be rid of me.
I have tenure.
You will never be rid of me,yes, and I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
I love you so much Thank you.
And this has been anotherepisode of Black Boomer Besties
from Brooklyn, brooklyn.
Hey Ange.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
Hey Les, How's it going?
Speaker 1 (00:11):
It's going well.
The reason I hesitated I'm alittle tired.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Yeah so.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
I had to get some caffeine nearby.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Oh see, yeah, Vitamin .
Yes, I've had a C yeah 20s Busycouple days.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
past couple days traveling and doing stuff, so
it's like I'm burning a candleat both ends, and that doesn't
go over well for old people.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
No, we need our rest like we need our soft shoes
Because we will get knocked out.
Yeah, did you say soft shoes?
Yeah, we need rest and soft.
Need our soft shoes.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
Because we will get knocked out.
Yeah, did you say soft shoes?
Yeah, we need rest and softshoes, you know?
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Okay, all right, that sounds like an 80-year-old told
you that.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Listen, listen.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
I don't need soft shoes.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
I wear them, but I don't need them.
You wear stilettos?
Oh, yeah, okay.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
When's the last time I saw you in a pair of six
inches?
Speaker 1 (01:07):
It's just, I choose not to.
That's all there you go.
That's all there you go.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
But my lighting just went dark.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
As usual, I can fix that.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
I don't know why that happens.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
I think it needs movement or something it says.
She's so bright I'm going todim a little bit, so it's not to
show her up.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Is it better?
I'm going to dim a little bitso as not to show her up, is it
better?
No, it's the same.
Is it better, but it's okay?
Oh, my goodness, is it okay,though.
Is it really?
Speaker 1 (01:30):
So welcome to another episode of Black Boomer Besties
from Brooklyn.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Hey folks, I'm Angella, and you know who that
is.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
I'm Leslie.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
That's my bestie, leslie.
We have been best friends foralmost 50 years and you know,
this is the thing we are twofree-thinking older Black women
and we just like having candidconversations about life.
We tend to go deep on things,and so and and we have been
(02:03):
through a series, a series ofseries of, of, of changes in our
perspectives over the years,and so, as things come up, we
bring them here, we talk aboutthem, we agree, we disagree, we
fight, we make up, we um we'venever fought, Never, ever.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
Isn't that crazy?
That's really crazy.
We've never had a period whereit's like I'm not speaking to
that bitch.
I'm not talking to her.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Not one time.
It's Angie on the phone.
Don't answer.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Don't answer.
I'm not home.
We never do that.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
It's even silly to think about.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Isn't it crazy?
We've never done it, never doneit, never done it.
And it's not for lack of trying.
No, I'm kidding, I just won'tgo away Like a wart.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
I just keep coming back Like a wart oh my gosh, Do
people still get those?
It just used to be a thing Likethere was always something on
some advertisement on TV aboutwarts Cam for eight or something
.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Yes, like.
But then they realized the FDAtook that crap off because it's
like it doesn't work.
That's not how you treat warts,what you know.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Is that why?
That's what I'm thinking.
Who knew they didn't want toget sued?
They didn't want to get sued.
Anyway, no more snake oil.
No more snake oil, just for youknow, just for crypto and
things like that.
But Just for you know, just forcrypto and things like that.
But anyway, I didn't say that,so, les, what are we talking
about today?
Speaker 1 (03:30):
So listen, you know that saying you can't teach an
old dog new tricks.
I do know that saying yes, it'snot true, it's not true, it's
really not true, it's not true.
It's really not true, becauseone thing that I realized is
that it's never too late to donew things.
(03:52):
Not only that, it's not toolate to live new dreams or to
dream up new dreams.
Let me give an example.
I know this is going to soundreally funny, but in my entire
grown-ass life and it's been along one.
(04:15):
I love driving convertible cars.
I think they're cool.
I think you know, for somereason, the vision of just like
the TV, stall it.
Maybe you know, with the scarfaround the head and driving on a
Pacific Coast highway and youknow, life is so fun and
frivolous in the sun.
I'm a sun worshiper, so the sunand this.
(04:37):
I always loved drivingconvertibles and it honestly
never occurred to me that Icould own a convertible.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Like you could choose to buy one versus renting one
when you go on trips or whatever.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Whenever I would vacation Maui, california,
florida I would always rent aconvertible Okay.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
I would always rent a convertible.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
Okay, but it never once occurred that this is
something that I could own.
Isn't that crazy?
It's crazy.
And then, like one I don'tremember when, but it occurred
to me like wait a minute, Idon't have to rent these cars
all the time.
I could actually drive one allthe time, and that's when I got
(05:28):
my first convertible.
But it was just weird when Ithink about it, because for
decades it just never occurredto me.
Why don't you buy yourself aconvertible, right?
Speaker 2 (05:40):
Isn't that weird?
I think it's weird because it'snot about whether you could
afford one of those types ofthings at all.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
No, it wasn't like that.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
It was about.
It's almost like did you notthink you deserved it, or it
just wasn't for you deep.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
It was just that I just never thought that it was
something that people, that Icould own.
It was only the it's theweirdest thing.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
I only had the option to rent one.
I could never have onepermanently.
I don't understand it just inretrospect.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
None of that makes sense.
None and when the light bulbcame on that wait a minute, les,
you could buy one.
That's why I now have two.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
You could actually have one.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
You can vacation all the time and I could have it,
and I could take the top downwhen I want and put the top up
when I want.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
Oh, I'll, I'll, I'll, um put up, put up, put up a
picture or whatever, but it'slike let me tell you guys a
picture.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
It's almost like the world opened up.
I'm going to find the picture.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
When we were in Florida and you bought the um,
the, the outdoor furniture forthe backyard.
Speaker 1 (07:08):
Oh, and we to get it from you.
See, you're just trying to turnthis into something ugly.
No, no, no, no, let's shameLeslie again.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
This is not a shame.
Why is that shameful?
Are you feeling ashamed?
Speaker 1 (07:20):
No.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
No.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
This isn't a shame.
All right what she's saying isthe reason.
She See, that wasn't evengermane to the conversation.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
And you just brought something else in that wasn't.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
That's not what I was , that's not the wind in my hair
and with the bonnet and singingGood.
Speaker 2 (07:38):
Day Sunshine.
No, here is why that comes tomind for me.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
We would never have been able to get that stuff home
without your convertible.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
It's true, we wouldn't have been able to take
it home, it's true.
So what she's saying is one ofmy convertibles is down in
Florida at my house and it's theonly car that I have down there
.
So it's the fun car, the beachcar, the workhorse car, the car
that you should not put stuffinto your nice leather seats.
(08:11):
Instead, get a truck car.
You know it's like I haul it,it's the workhorse, it's the
workhorse yeah, but it's alsothe wreck horse.
So that's what she's talkingabout.
We kind of furnished the houseTransporna.
You should see the pictures ofthe trees I put in the back when
.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
I was doing landscaping.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
I haven't seen.
It's been a while that we don'treally think about things as
being attainable until we attainthem.
And then it's like why didn't Ido this years ago?
That's right, let me tell you afunny story and then I'll let
you jump in.
(08:59):
But I'm sitting at a dinner acouple of months ago and and
people were just talking aboutlike old times and this and
whatever, and one of the guysthere said that you know, he
grew up eating Pop-Tarts I'm aPop-Tart girl Cinnamon and then
(09:20):
the strawberry frosted I'm aPop-Tart girl.
So I'm like I'm leaning in andlistening and we're all talking
about yeah, and they were sayinghow, you know, they would grab
the Pop-Tart and take it toschool with them or whatever as
breakfast or whatever you know,and it's like they're eating out
the package and stuff like that.
And then he went up to hisfriend's house one or two levels
(09:45):
above him, and he said that theguy put the Pop-Tart in a
toaster and that was the firsttime he had a heated-up Pop-Tart
.
He's like whoosh, he's like theworld opened up to him.
(10:06):
He's like what you could putthis in a toaster.
It took it to such another level.
He's like oh my God, it wastoasted and we were cracking up
laughing.
But again, it was somethingthat he didn't even and I guess,
(10:26):
like the car, it's not like hecouldn't afford a tote because
he got the Pop-Tarts already.
It just never occurred thatthat was a thing that was doable
.
Speaker 2 (10:37):
Right right that that could be a part of his life.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
Yes, and that's just it.
I looked at driving aconvertible as a vacation
pleasure only Wow, wow.
And then when I realized howridiculous that was and it's
like get the doggone convertible.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
Get the convertible and then.
I bought my first convertibleoff of Craigslist Remember that,
yeah, and the thing is thatonce you kind of allowed this in
, like the idea in.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
Then the floodgates opened, then Leslie was back.
What else can I get?
Hey, another one For the other,one for down south, one for up
here.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
Yeah, yeah, and I love it.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
I've never, looked back or regretted it.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
I almost can't remember how you were without a
convertible.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
I know right, I was just with my little sunroof
trying to get as much sun as Icould.
But I mean you enjoy them somuch, they're so like you know,
mean you enjoy you enjoy them somuch, they're so oh like you
know, yes, so so much isn't thatcrazy, and you deny yourself it
is it is crazy.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
Okay now, this was hard for me to think about um to
come up with, because I'm kindof wired to think in
possibilities.
Yes yes, so it was hard, butthere are definitely some things
that I never, that neveroccurred to you that you could
(12:16):
do or attain or have.
Speaker 1 (12:17):
Never occurred to me Like what Never, never, never
occurred to me.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
Okay, I had to write some down.
So this one I never, everthought that I could dismiss a
friendship.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
Are you trying to tell me something?
Speaker 2 (12:38):
I never thought.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
Is this the warning light?
Listen.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
I got tenure.
I have tenure in thisfriendship, so I'm not going to
let that go.
It's like I'm not giving up mypassport.
I'm not Exactly so, but here'swhat I mean.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
So go ahead.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
I'm saying it with all kind of.
I never thought that I couldestablish boundaries for myself.
And the way that I wanted to bein joy.
I never thought I could makethose things stick.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
I never thought that.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
It's huge.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
So say a little bit more about what you mean in
terms of letting go offriendships mean is that I have
had now two friendships thatwere so incongruent with the way
(13:36):
that I want to live my lifethat I no longer long for them.
I don't wish I had them, Idon't.
I'm not trying to reconcile.
I don't mean thatreconciliation could never
(13:57):
happen.
That's not what I mean at all.
I just mean I never thoughtthat I could do this and not
always try to make things work.
I always thought that I wouldhave to bend and tolerate and
you know, okay, maybe I'll seethem less often or those types
(14:19):
of things.
But it's shocking to me howinvoluntary it is now, like, in
a way, I couldn't make myself.
I couldn't make myself be theone who says, ok, let's agree to
(14:41):
disagree, or whatever it is.
I can't make myself do thatanymore.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
My boundaries are so clear.
Wow, and you realized that youweren't getting what you wanted
from the relationships or yeah,I just realized that.
You know, I talk about this heremaybe not as often as I used to
, but joy is a really centralpart of my life, and I don't
(15:08):
mean happiness, I mean thethings that are fulfilling, the
things that are aligned with myvalues and things like that and
in these two cases they're notaligned with my values and in a
way like tolerating them is notan option for me anymore think
(15:48):
that's a bold step and and and Iapplaud you for that because
it's like I know you're anurturer, I am you're also the
type of person that bends overbackwards to be in community
with someone, so it's like foryou to say you know, that's it.
You know, this is what I mean.
I never thought I could, yeah,yeah, that's never thought I
could do it and and the thing isit's not with anger, like I'm
not at the point.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
I was angry, Like I got there and that's kind of
what made me start to see things.
But I'm not talking about itright here with any, any, any
sense of anger.
It is really around boundaries.
What am I going to let in?
What am I not going to let in?
And listen, I pray for them.
(16:29):
You know I don't wish them anyharm.
There's not any iniquity oranything.
It's just that's not for meanymore.
It's not for me anymore and tryas I might, I couldn't make it
for me anymore.
I couldn't make it for me.
So that's one of the thingsthat I thought about, that I
(16:51):
really never thought I could do.
I always thought that I could,I would be the one to, because I
have a forgiving kind of spirit.
I always felt like, oh, I couldforgive anyone and I can, but I
don't have to have you in mylife.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
That's the key.
But I really think that's ahallmark of forgiveness.
You know we don't have to saywe will continue to allow you in
our lives to do that thing overagain, to hurt us again, or
whatever Forgiveness is.
I wish you well.
I'm not wishing that it didn'thappen and dwelling on things
(17:32):
like that.
Right, but I don't mind ifyou're over there yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
And they don't need to do anything.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
There's nothing that they need to do.
You're not looking for anythingfrom them.
I'm not looking for anything.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
Exactly.
It's just, yeah, I'm on my flowand it's like see you, bye, bye
, bye, bye, wow, but you knowwhat?
Speaker 1 (17:54):
I'll tell you, this one is kind of deep though, okay
, but you stirred this up in meand made me think about it,
because you're saying how itdoesn't work for you anymore in
your life or you're being aboutjoy.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
That's why I ended my marriage.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
And that's why I'm now divorced.
Wow, wait, hold on.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
Like you didn't know about this, I know, but this is
a whole nother level.
Wait, this is a whole notherlevel.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
Wait.
Well, what you said is that?
Well, what I was thinking isthat what I realized for myself
is that I was tolerating anexistence Wow, and it didn't
occur to me that my life couldbe different.
(18:47):
Wow, it didn't occur to me thatmy life could be different.
Wow, it didn't occur to me.
You know, I, as most people Isuppose I don't think I'm unique
in this I took my marriage vowsvery seriously and I also took
the for better or worse veryseriously.
(19:09):
Right, and you know, not am I I?
You know, as you know, I gotwith my husband when I was kind
of young.
I didn't know very much about,you know, marriage and unions
and things like that.
I just thought that peoplestayed married no matter what,
(19:31):
and then, if this was the worst,then the better comes later, or
if this is the better, orwhatever.
But what eventually happened inmy marriage and my together for
decades is that I realized thatone I was never going to be
(19:53):
personally fulfilled in mymarriage.
Never, and, believe it or not,I didn't think that that was a
requirement of a union,partnership, of a marriage.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
Did you never think, or were you willing to not have,
that because of the bigger kindof principles?
Speaker 1 (20:24):
It was certainly the bigger principle of you know.
It was certainly the biggerprinciple and I had years ago
reconciled and put in my headthat I will just live my life
like this.
You know it was a decision Imade that in order to stay in
this relationship, I had to putaside the desire for joy or the
(20:48):
desire for that type ofconnection that I wanted.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
And instead.
Speaker 1 (20:57):
I just never knew that there would be anything
else for me in terms of a spouseor relationship.
But over the years, whateventually happened is that we
started living separate livesbecause obviously well, not
(21:19):
obviously, but he wasn'tapparently being fulfilled
either, as neither was I, so wejust started doing our own thing
either, as neither was I, so wejust started doing our own
thing.
You know, and you know, becauseI have the personality that I
have, I have the circle offriends and family and whatever.
I had way more outlets, but Ihonestly say it never occurred
(21:42):
to me that I would leave mymarriage and seek the joy and
the contentment and the lovethat I wanted and felt.
I needed.
Speaker 2 (21:56):
It never even occurred to me.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
Isn't that interesting.
You know, some people thinklike I thought about divorce a
long time ago.
I didn't Right.
Wow I wish I did actually.
We probably would have savedeach other some heartache and
time, and all of that, but itjust it may not it may never
have occurred to him either, butI mean, who wouldn't want to be
(22:21):
with me?
Speaker 2 (22:22):
I, this is what I'm thinking- it's like this is what
I'm thinking.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
It's like what the hell Crazy, that's crazy talk,
but for me, I never thought thata fulfilling relationship would
be part of my life and I just,I know, isn't that crazy?
And it was okay for a whilebecause I had so much other
(22:49):
things that completed me but,just not that.
And then, through a series ofevents, it finally said like the
Pop-Tarts ding wait a minute.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
There's another way.
Wow, there's another way, wow.
Speaker 1 (23:07):
There's another way.
And not only is that other way,is there another way?
But I could have that.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
Oh, you know that world is not.
I'm not excluded from that.
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
And that's when I started making a move that I
deserve to have, that what I waslooking for and yearning for
and put aside was not crazy, wasnot unreasonable.
It didn't make me any less of aChristian woman or of a godly
(23:46):
wife.
You know these were normalneeds, and I wonder what is it
about me that made me be okayfor so long you know and settle
for less you know, right, yeah,so isn't that interesting
(24:22):
knowing how many times youbasically said you know, this is
my lot in life.
Speaker 2 (24:33):
That's what I did.
That's what I did.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
I said you know, god brought him to me, and God
brought us together, and thismust be the way he wants me to
live in my life?
I don't know, but this was mythinking.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
You know, we think we have the ceremony.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
God brings you together.
Let no man put us asunder.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
And so you said, like you don't know why, you but
society, right, For wrongfully,I'm not judging this statement,
but society puts thatexpectation on you, right, we
live in the culture you knowlong-term marriages are highly,
highly, highly, highly, highly,highly celebrated in our culture
(25:20):
, right, when everybody, oh,you're married for 65 years.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
Yeah, if you can be married for 65 years and you
haven't committed murder, listen, give that person a medal.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
But here's the thing you were up until this point,
you were willing to be thatperson.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
I wanted to be that person.
You know and initially Ithought it was a more a failing
on my part.
That when I decided that this,I can't do it anymore.
That, you know.
And what I realized and this isreal, what helped me make that
(26:06):
decision was that I saw the twoof us and we were not our best
selves and that was the samething for him.
You know, he was not his bestself.
I've known him for you know, asI said many decades um, he was
not his best self, and I was notand I knew that we were doing
(26:26):
that to each other.
You know creating that in eachother, and I was not.
And I knew that we were doingthat to each other.
You know creating that in eachother, and that's not right.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
You know that's not right yeah.
Crazy right, but it neveroccurred to me that.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
I could be happy in a relationship you know?
Speaker 2 (26:42):
Yeah, I wonder why it occurred to me.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
I wonder why it occurred to me Ding.
I wonder why it occurred to me.
Speaker 2 (26:52):
Yes, oh my gosh, yes, I've been divorced twice and
(27:20):
around you know being stayingtogether no matter what, being
saying together no matter what,and I think some people think,
even if there is different typesof abuse physical, mental,
emotional, financial abusepeople still think that you
should stay with that personspiritual protection from
(27:45):
abusive marriages and thingslike that.
Yeah, yeah, wow, liz, I don'tknow.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
Anything else that you can think of that you, I
think I have one more that, likeit never occurred to me that
this was a possibility, shall Isay I'm afraid I don't know what
you're going to say no, no, no,don't be afraid, it's not scary
.
Okay, it's not scary.
Last fall I took three monthsoff from work.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
Oh yes.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
It never occurred to me that that was something that
I could do.
Speaker 2 (28:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
You know, I was dealing with things at home and
the stress of whatever.
Remember, I know we did apodcast.
I overslept a couple of times.
I was tired, I wasn't takingcare of myself very well.
And I decided that I need to.
(28:59):
I wasn't bringing my best selfto work and my patients.
So I took time off from workand I guess in my 20 plus years
as a physician I never knewthat's something, that one could
do unless you're sick, likepeople would say.
(29:22):
are you not well?
Is something going on?
Or is this FMLA family leave?
Are you taking care of a family?
I said no, I'm just tired.
Speaker 2 (29:30):
Just tired.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
And it's like what?
First of all, I never thoughtthat I could live for three
months without a salary.
I never thought that the jobwould do okay without me,
because I didn't want to leavemy colleagues in the lurch.
Yeah, you couldn't be selfishlike that.
They did fine.
They did just fine and it was atime for me to just step back,
(29:55):
reflect on some things, chill,sleep late and whatever.
But again, and who like people,take sabbaticals in order to
take care of some projects andstuff?
I don't call mine a sabbaticalbecause I wanted to watch minute
can I?
take.
And it's so funny because thejob was like fill out this
(30:30):
online thing and press thebutton In one minute.
It was like approved done.
Wendy and my manager keptasking when do you think you're
going to come back?
I'm not sure, maybe January andthis and that, and it's like,
okay, what?
That's crazy.
Speaker 2 (30:46):
The job didn't fall apart.
Speaker 1 (30:48):
It stayed.
Patients did well without me.
People welcomed me back.
When I came back, it was likewhat?
Speaker 2 (30:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
So here's the thing I'm telling you it is possible
to take the time, your personaltime, if you need it.
Why?
Because everybody else does.
And nobody, nobody, nobody.
Is indispensable, right wethink oh, it's a family.
(31:19):
I got to be there.
You know what?
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
If I had stayed out a little bit longer, they would
have forgotten my name.
I'm sure I came back so thatthey could pronounce Ose Tutu
properly.
That's why I came backno-transcript and I just kept
(32:14):
thinking Stephanie Perry in myhead like you want to be, this
is your lazy time.
You want?
Speaker 2 (32:19):
to live a life of ease and it's like ease what
ease, what?
Speaker 1 (32:25):
We think that that's foreign and that's for other
people.
It's like the convertible that'sfor somebody else.
You know that's not somethingfor me.
You know and it's like or likeDr Kimani says you know it's.
You can leave a job that's notworking for you.
You can leave a job that'shurting you, but we don't think
(32:46):
of it like that.
And I say what I've been sayingnow the last couple of months
when I speak to folks is thatthe only limitation on the
things that you can do is comingfrom here year we first have to
(33:08):
.
I had that conversation todaywith another physician I was
working with, because she waswondering when she can retire
and should I retire?
and whatever I said, listen.
The first thing you have to dois put it in your head that it's
a possibility.
We often arrest our ownprogress.
Speaker 2 (33:22):
Yeah, because we never think that it's possible.
Speaker 1 (33:27):
I'm telling you go get that convertible.
Speaker 2 (33:30):
Get it.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
You better go get it.
Get it, put that top down andlet your hair go.
Speaker 2 (33:35):
Get that Pop-Tart into the toaster.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (33:38):
Do it.
Yes, do it.
It's for you A warm Pop-Tart isyour right Exactly, and leave
that man if he's fucking withyou.
No, you know, I'm glad that wecan make light of things like
that, but the concept is reallytrue.
Yeah, it is true.
(33:58):
Yeah, it is true.
Speaker 2 (34:00):
It is true, wow, so this is who we are folks.
This is who we are.
We push against and you knowthis isn't as you said.
She's been in this situation inher marriage for a long time.
So it's not one day you wake upand it's like boop.
(34:21):
It wasn't one day I woke up andit was like, oh, I am not going
to really deal with toxicfriendships anymore, I'm not
going to.
Speaker 1 (34:28):
You know, it's a series of just constantly
evaluating your life and whatmakes it better, what doesn't
make it better, and are youmoving toward the way that you
want to live in your life tolook like, right toward the way
that you want to live and yourlife to look like and project to
(34:49):
yourself in five years from now?
Would I be happy where I amtoday and if not, that's the day
to make the changes.
It was just the same thing whenI, you know, starting medical
school at age 36.
You know, I said that if Icontinued teaching, how would I
(35:13):
feel in five years from now?
And I just said, you know, Ineed to see what else I can do,
if I can move toward my dream ofbeing in medicine and becoming
a physician, and thank God I did.
But that's where it starts.
It has to start in your mindfirst.
Speaker 2 (35:31):
Yeah, and I'm just going to make one adjustment I'm
going to swap out the wordhappy for the word joyful.
Right, and I really, reallymake this point, because
happiness is kind of it's atransient, it's like a.
It can be a moment in in timeand it's oftentimes not, um,
(35:59):
within your control.
Joyful is just another level.
Speaker 1 (36:06):
It is like goes from here to up here.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
It's a divine it's a divine right yeah it's a divine
right to be enjoyed, to findsatisfaction, to feel, um, you
know that you are living thelife that you are meant to live,
and that's a whole differentlevel than happy.
Speaker 1 (36:29):
Yeah, you know what I mean.
This sounds like a wholeepisode, a podcast episode,
coming up you know, yeah, it'scoming up, yeah.
Are you living in happiness orare you living in joy?
Speaker 2 (36:42):
You know?
Speaker 1 (36:42):
Oh, we got the title, all right, I would say that I'm
living in joy right now.
How's it feel?
And it's going to be even moredifferent.
Yeah, oh, it feels wonderful,it does.
Speaker 2 (36:56):
I'm proud of myself.
You should be.
You should be.
Oh my gosh, I, you know, Ithink the world of you, you know
, I think that I mean it wasreally difficult.
(37:24):
It was really, it's still, itwas really difficult.
Speaker 1 (37:27):
It's still difficult.
Speaker 2 (37:27):
Yeah, I mean nobody wants to, and so I think that
it's hard to see someone youlove go through that, and it's
also knowing that when you gothrough difficulty, if you go
through it in the right way,like in a posture of what am I
(37:49):
supposed to be learning fromthis to take into my next thing.
Speaker 1 (37:53):
And I know that.
Speaker 2 (37:54):
That's how you have been.
It's one of the key things thathas helped you to make it
through without coming throughlike battered and bruised, and
you know just kind of likebarely making it out the door.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
And there have been times that I did barely make it
out the door.
You know what I mean andperhaps you know those are the
things that led me to take thetime off from work.
You know the times when Icouldn't get out the bed, or
this or that you know, yeah, wow, yeah Wow.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (38:28):
You're something else Will you be my bestie.
Speaker 1 (38:31):
Oh, I think so.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, thankyou, let's thinky, thinky,
thinky.
Yes, yes, yes, there you go.
So I want you all, now that youall are subscribers and you're
getting notifications thinkabout some of the things that
would not only bring you joy inyour life.
But what kind of bars are youputting?
(38:55):
Pull down the shade.
What are you restrictingyourself?
You restricting yourself, notothers, because you can think
about that and come up withstrategies to work on other
people, but for yourself.
That's where it has to start.
Speaker 2 (39:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (39:15):
Because when I decided, for example, to go to
medical school as a singleparent as a this, as a that, as
a this when people were tellingme this is impossible, what are
you talking about?
Speaker 2 (39:27):
You got a kid and this and that You're a.
Speaker 1 (39:30):
Fijian kid and doing all of this, but I first decided
that this was something that Iwas going to attempt to do.
Speaker 2 (39:37):
And then the rest is history.
Speaker 1 (39:38):
Thank you, Jesus.
Speaker 2 (39:40):
Yes, yeah, yeah, Because man again.
Leslie you're a keeper.
Okay, okay, good You'll neverbe rid of me.
You will never be rid of me.
I have tenure.
You will never be rid of me,yes, and I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
I love you so much Thank you.
And this has been anotherepisode of Black Boomer Besties
from Brooklyn, brooklyn.
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