Mark Wahlberg Didn't Deserve a Pardon | #ClownCollegeComedyPodcast | Ep 45 W/ The Boys - Clown College Comedy

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
This week on clown college

(00:08):
But do best people in the world
Hawaiians hell now for white guys it gets a little dicey, but if you're you you're good if you're
As a Birmingham, you're him he might get fucked up wait
You know, yeah, but if you if you're if you're chill, yeah, they will fuck a jail area

(00:29):
Don't like bust a pineapple right over his head dude wouldn't be he wouldn't be able to walk the streets
No, but those are those are nice people. What you he's just too much of an asshole. Yeah, damn. I want to be black man
God, I hate a jail area and we had a morn man. Yeah, dude. He smelled weird. He hasn't talked to us since
Mm-hmm. Not not one time. He wears a suit all the time thinks he's the shit

(00:54):
Can you believe that fucking on the news
What does he think he is on the news? Oh, yeah, does he ever bring us up on the news? I don't think so
No
He's and he does business reporting. What are we dude? That's not a business
Yeah, man, where you ask what clown college, you know, how much we made at our last show Brandon. How much do we make?

(01:15):
1597
Round it up. Mm-hmm
How do you round that 16 now?
It's all about it do give a round of applause
My IQ test would be higher right now, you know

(01:36):
Welcome to clown college we have profound knowledge in many ways to elevate and make his own polish
So if you want to hear a little honest few takes on a ways to make it as a comic stick around for a while
If you're down to clown, we got to guess right now just to show you

(02:16):
Oh
Look at Brandon taking control of
Producer does you just call him the n-word? Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, man. That's good. Mm-hmm. Say it Brandon say what?

(02:42):
Huh? What do you want me to say?
Say what?
What you say like what up money good like that? Oh, that felt wrong
It felt just to say it to say it for no reason. Let's just say you say the normal conversation
Oh, yeah, man, so I was chillin, you know, and then my nigga came over here and he wanted to what's a man?
Yeah, see that sounded better. He wanted to what's a man? Oh, I was just making up a scenario

(03:05):
I was like he wanted to what's a mass so we did it who?
Do you guys beating up Asians usually?
We build okay. I mean would be
Bradley mole
Haitians and Asians have a lot more in common than I thought they did
They carry around swords and shit what else do they do they they eat critters dude, hey, apparently critters and I

(03:33):
Thought it was pets. Yeah pets. Yeah critters are different to pets. Oh, okay
I think that is ever since I start ever since I started
well, of course, I watch it all on Twitter of them like ringing the cat's neck and like look they do it and
they've been showing me just
Haitians eating insects and various things now

(03:55):
It's probably isolated incidents. Maybe it's not
They were eating cats and dogs you watched them eat the cat they didn't really I mean I'm not saying they don't that's what
They do. Oh, they were they were on Twitter for sure. I
Don't even know they were Haitian. They were just black as shit. Oh, but I don't think branding gets political news. No

(04:17):
Donald Trump said in a presidential debate that Haitians
Are you munch on eating cats and dogs in Springfield, Ohio? They're eating people's pets
Which was debunked?
Which is crazy because he's
Did you watch the debate? Of course not you didn't I can't vote I watched it
I don't vote either but still I watched it

(04:38):
I don't and it was because I watch it what Trump's is running because you know, you want some funny shit
Wasn't that much funny shit, but he did say he's like they eating cats and dogs and the moderator was like that's been debunked
We talked to the city planner. He was like you talk to the city planner. I seen it on news on the
Planner, so I don't think that's part of the plan. I think it's like I'm a whoever's in charge of whoever they
Call it's like our city's planned to end hunger. We're gonna eat our pets

(05:06):
But but it's like being like Haitian people eat pets is that really a diss
You know what? I mean, that just means they're resourceful. Yeah, they got fucked up by that. What was it? A tsunami tsunami
Yeah, I'm one of those I mean
Man, I'm not mad at him for and you know, it's a delicacy and

(05:27):
in Korea like no bullshit people like oh they eat dogs they do but
Here goes the kicker the dog cost extra cost more like you can get steak
Oh chicken shrimp cost less than the dogs more than steak dog cost more
And that's not where you're any of them. They don't have it like
They might but they it's not like they promote it like where the where the soldiers and stuff because we're all throughout there like from

(05:52):
North to the south. It's full of soldiers. So they like wherever we stay at right by the base
It's not big but when you got to go
Tdy and you go out to these places where the no Americans at
Oh, yeah, cuz you don't you don't know that language of course on the menu
You just point and then like you'll see a cow, you know a chicken and then a dog
But the dog is up top so it costs more you never did you ever try something?

(06:14):
I can't do dog if it was cat out a shit. Would you try some no
Man, not in the middle. Why that's my dog in my cat. I ain't I don't know dogs for me. It's just like I like dog
I love them too much. I like dogs, but I'd eat one. I think I'll try it. Yeah, I'll try it
I mean, I I don't want any maybe it's got some disease or something as long as no they breed them to kill them and eat

(06:36):
Oh, just like chickens or whatever else. I'll eat one dude. I
Don't what's the difference bro? Hey, we go to we go to eat a one. You know, I'm saying
E.T. Long clown college goes to South Korea that was so
Korea, I would go yeah
We'll have to travel a little bit. But you do is hop the beautiful thing about Korea
You just hop on a fucking train and you go anywhere and you go where you need to go

(06:59):
They got the fast trains, don't they? Yeah, it's fast. I mean, it's not like that bullet
That's what I was thinking. No, no, it's just a regular like train that goes through the hole
Train the boost on
That's oh, yeah, sick movie like these. Yeah, that's what like click on that one. That's what I was on
You know, and you better be on the right fucking platform, too

(07:21):
Cuz if you're on that one and you need to get over there, there's no just you know
There's no like little bridge you can go you got a gill down and walk all the way under
So you get late for work a lot down there
Yeah, dude this one time I used to have pictures of it
But it wasn't my pictures on Facebook or somebody else and I guess they deleted their account so they went away

(07:42):
But it was this it was this Korean dude black
suit jacket black suit pants red socks red shirt under it and
One of those like Heisenberg hats like in Breaking Bad. Okay, that's what he looked like and he was he had glasses and he was
Knocked the fuck out on it's a part
They got a party car like where you go get beer and food and all that shit

(08:04):
So he was there and he was passed out course. I think we're 21 all of us. Yeah, and we're on that getting obliterated
You know fucked up and we noticed that he's sleep. So
Some of us go over there and take pictures with him like you're like, uh, this girl puts her tits in the face
We have all these pictures probably why she took him down. It could be considered sexual assault now, but

(08:24):
I'm not saying her name. It was all in fun. But look this motherfucker's fucked up. I mean people it's a party car
So everybody's like ah
Soon as this stop came boom. He got up and got holy shit like nothing happened. I swear to God damn his circadian rhythm
Pretending oh no, like to get those two
He was not pretending like they were lifting up his arm like I'm telling you like I just fall straight down straight down. Yeah

(08:49):
He just knew man. Maybe they had that intuition has a routine
Yeah, I mean for real he just gets on there
He knows exactly when it stop is because if you miss a stop, you know, you could have to circle back around
Or wait for the next train to go back that way. Yeah, that could be a couple hours
Maybe more I knew this one girl and her parents were both in the army and they were stationed over in Korea and

(09:17):
Apparently if like churches in Korea like Christian churches, they wear uniforms to church
it's like she told me it was like a little track suit or something and that her parents started going to a church over there and
like
They were black and it was a lady
She had like the track suit on and they all wanted to take a picture with her because they thought she was in the WNBA

(09:39):
Hell yeah
She's like 511 way taller than everybody else
but my the most unbelievable part of that story is that was probably like
2009 2010 they knew what the WNBA I don't think anybody gave a fuck about the WNBA
Yeah, I can't I don't remember when it started
In Korea?
Nah
Yeah, that's wild

(10:00):
Is Korea a big basketball?
Well North Korea but not South
Yeah, I don't think South
Yeah, you are right. You are right
North Korea they love to fuck out of basketball
That is true. Yeah, that's why they love Dennis Rodman. Yeah
Yeah
Might like Michael too
Michael Jordan. Yeah. Oh, yeah big Mike
They have to
Well, they don't have to I'm not saying
Well, he loves the Bulls. That's his thing like cuz he went to boarding school or somewhere

(10:25):
Somewhere in Europe or something like that like it was a he was like around regular people people thought he was just a regular guy
I swear to God and then
His whole thing was the Bulls cuz it was in the 90s
He loved the Bulls
I bet he loves Space Jam
Oh probably
He might be autistic as fuck
Probably is

(10:46):
Yeah
You got called out for being a black autistic
Yeah, I sure did. I sure did. What was it getting the lowest on the IQ test?
We haven't talked about that, huh?
Yeah, yeah, I somehow got the lowest
But it's still a good score?
Oh, it was still a perfect score. Like I'm very happy
Not perfect but good
But I'm just shocked that we had we had so many
1-1-11s and 1-30s

(11:07):
I think did we almost get a 1-40?
Jay Fat
Did he get a 1-40?
I think that was what it was a 1-40
I think he was smart to edit that's some stuff
And he knew it too
Oh he knew it the whole time
Jay Vap shout out
We got a 1-20 with us so if we need anything
1-25
I know it was before I got glasses

(11:29):
1-25
I've been putting on a brave face for these last couple weeks but it's hurt
I know man
I was shocked
When I seen Dante
Okay so first when I seen the
Didn't Dante come up first or Mike Sales came up first?
I don't
Well no we were the last three
Yeah I know that
That's what I'm saying but before we were the last three

(11:51):
She put up either Dante or Mike Sales
Yeah
So it was like at first whoever it was
I was like I can't be tied with these motherfuckers
Then it was like oh
I'm dumber than you thought
Like a couple points too
Dude that was so fucking funny
It hurt
I'm being honest when it was down to the last
Three I was like

(12:13):
There's no way
I knew for a fact that you had that
I was hoping that I did
I was like what if I just fucked up
What if I was way dumber than I thought I was
It's like that video
Of that dude that we were talking about in the movie
When he's like oh my gosh
I'm tied to see
And he moves the mirror and he has down to his
What movie is that?

(12:35):
I can't remember
Oh it was a TV show
Highlander
Yes
Or is it Highlander
Brandon looks this up and finds a video of himself
Oh shit that would be wild
No no Brandon
Holy shit that's not it
That's just normal
Why is Shane Gillis right there

(12:57):
Oh my god
Alright but you
You said
Put in Highlander
Highlander Down Syndrome
That dude looks exactly like
Butterbean
Oh damn he does
Oh damn
Whoa

(13:19):
Is this the
Down Syndrome only jacket?
Oh no
It might not have been Highlander
Is Highlander the one that go back in time?
I don't
Was that Hot Tub Machine?
Hot Tub
Hot Tub Time Machine
Yeah I never got to see it because I was too young back then
You still never watched it?

(13:41):
Oh the first one is great
The first one is good
You gonna watch a Minecraft movie dude?
Hell yeah Jack Black man
And Jason Momoa
Who is that?
Aquaman
He's a terrible actor
But what the fuck who's he gonna play in Minecraft dude?
I think he's like one of the
One of the people

(14:03):
That's what I was wondering like what the fuck are they
There's a Minecraft story mode
Game that came out way later
But that fucking that's bullshit
So the original Minecraft didn't have a story mode?
No man
Technically your name is Steve
But that's just the name
Of the dude that you are
He's not even really a character with a backstory
And then

(14:25):
You can kill the Ender Dragon and that's
Kind of like you beat the game but you still keep
Playing and nothing else
In the game that originally came out
Oh okay
Whatever this is
She's funny
Who? I don't know her name
She looked like the girl from BAPS
That's an old movie you guys wouldn't know with Holly Barry
What year?

(14:47):
BAPS probably came out in 93
BAPS? 94
Yeah BAPS with Holly Barry
When she was a hood chick
Holly put it
Oh man I know exactly Catwoman
She did the Minecraft movie
To go look at the hot girls dude
What is this show turned into?
Holly Barry 1993
Is she in the Minecraft movie?

(15:09):
No she was not
You didn't have to put it in 1999 but look at that
You can keep it on here
Perfection and she still looks almost just like that
Oh yeah
Could you imagine marrying someone
And like you just marry them because you love them and whatever
And then like
Or whatever
Whatever you guys got going on but then when they turn
Like 70 they're still hot

(15:31):
Like that's out there
That would be the worst if you
Were just a normal person and age like shit
Like most people do
You're not leaving somebody most of the time
Unless you're the guy
Woman's not really
And you hit the lottery
Exactly
Here's your lucky
There's a Sydney Sweeney looking like

(15:53):
That needs a sugar daddy
Who's fucking father left her
And she never found success
Lucky me
Isn't it fucked up
That's every dude's secret dream
To get rich later on in life
Leave your family and then
Marry a hot chick
But not even a good person
No

(16:15):
That's a bad dude
Oh my gosh what's wrong
How did that happen
The dude who did it the best is Anna Nicole Smith's husband
Whatever his name was
I mean he was like 90
And he had Anna Nicole Smith even if he couldn't
Really do nothing
Just look at those tits all day
Come on man
Look at that

(16:37):
That's disturbing
That looks terrible
Look at her in her wedding dress beautiful
Yeah but the reason we
Cringe at this is because we're seeing
That dude from our perspective
He thinks he you know he still
Sees that hot chick and he's like that's a hot chick
The same way he felt when he was like 25
But we're just like
Oh my gosh why is it core

(16:59):
Why is that lady necrophelian
He's like wait till you get old
Okay whatever
Crazy ass
Oh my gosh I don't know dude
What if you uh like she gets
Old enough and like he starts off
He's 75 right
He marries a new wife that's young and then she like hits
35 he's like ah
Like a car

(17:21):
He's 85 like that's time to
Change out
Somebody else who did it right
Adele's ex husband
They married no not
Adele
The singer not Odell Beckham
Yep
Yep exactly
Odell Beckham Jr.'s
Ex husband

(17:43):
Well yeah
But Adele so her ex husband
They got married I don't know if she was successful
Yet but he's just
The most average dude ever divorced her
Secured the bag dude
Look how much he got in his like
Divorced settlement yeah that's him
That's a smart looking dude
I mean that's a couple right there I'm not mad about that couple
Yeah well after now she's on Ozempic

(18:05):
And fucking turned Jamaican or whatever
Did you see that
What did you say she turned to what
She turned Jamaican
Did you see that
She lost her mind after this
Fucking Matt
Harris looking motherfucker
Oh my god
She just doesn't look good I'm not even a
Cultural appropriation I don't believe in that shit my mom has

(18:27):
Dreadlocks so but this is
She just looks bad but this was
This was like 2021
Like this was far into like
People getting canceled and shit and she was like
You know what I can do it
She got tasted that black dick and she
Couldn't control it
Dude that's insane
That is insane look at that that's like some shit
That was under the bed in Toy Story

(18:49):
You know what I mean like that's crazy
Like that doll and what's that thing
Called Rogue Rantz yes
Who was her Angela
Angelica Angelica
Angelica yeah
Yeah we know what that is
That's just the best who told her
Who told her this would be
I don't know they fucked her up
On purple but what was her thought process did she

(19:11):
Think she could get away with it
I don't know this is crazy you have to at least
Be kind of hot look at the dude
In the back cheering
Just clapping
He's like I did that that dude is
12 red stripes deep
Go down go down one picture
What right here yeah
That's her too is that her yeah
That's her she's skinny now

(19:33):
Yeah but she's skinny in the other one that doesn't look like her
Yeah I didn't know that was her that's her
Dude she's had you probably got
Work done I don't know I don't know her life
Is it go up to the top right where she's your
I think she looks better here go to the right
Right here yep
Is that her skinny too yeah
Yeah she's vogue you know they
She looks good right there
But I think she I don't know like when I see her

(19:55):
Now I think she looks better or bigger
I don't know
No these
I can't look at her the same
After seeing that image on the right man
That's fucking grotesque
I hate that shit but look up how much
Your ex husband got when they divorced
This is a very rare win for
The boys
And he deserves a ticket childs do they have kids

(20:17):
I don't dude I hope not
Geez if that was your mom
And that's just the image that's out there
Forever
Well my mom's not far off
I can put one up here
It's not too far off
190 million
Thank you Brandon
We gotta win
Absolutely

(20:39):
No 140
The majority of this settlement went to her ex husband
Well I mean that's still a lot
Oh god
That's still a lot you'd set for life almost
If you do it right
Dude that's my
Dream life right there
Is just steal money that's better than the lottery
You know it is cause you work for it
Cause you get personal satisfaction

(21:01):
As well you're like that fucking
Dumb bitch and then the next year
She's off looking like that and you're like
Dodge the bullet
Holy shit I got
140 billion dollars and that bitch went crazy
Holy shit
See that picture right there I think she looks her best
Let me click on it
You know what I mean a little fool
Not too skinny

(21:23):
When you get on those imps you can't go
Too skinny
People fuck this up
Yeah
Nowadays especially cause people like meat
Yeah
Back in the day if you was talking about scarves
Back in the 70s they had one little rail but now
It wants some meat on you
They somewhere
I don't know I feel like Ozempic

(21:45):
Is making some real unique body types
Because I feel like they're still mostly
Like their body fat percentage is
Really high they just don't weigh as much
I think
They're all kind of skinny fat you know
I think they're skinny fat because they have
The extra skin
I don't know if it's the fat because they do
I've seen people like they do lose it all
Like they don't have fat anymore but they still

(22:07):
Got the skin
Because of
These people can probably afford some pretty decent surgery
Now the thing is when you get the skin
Taken off you want to make sure
You want to make sure you're at where you want to be
Because you don't want to get it taken off
And then you gain you know what I mean
Do you rip open if that happens
I'm pretty sure it stretches just like it did before
But probably worse because you're taking a lot of skin off

(22:29):
Do you just keep growing skin
I don't know
I mean you got to right
It's the largest cell organism
That we have on our body
We're one organism
The cell is an organ
The skin is an organ
It's the largest organ
108
It's the largest organ

(22:51):
Okay hold on let me show you
Skin is
Okay skin is the largest
Yep
Largest organ of our body
Look at that I got it
Yeah
Congratulations
This is what I'm talking about
So it has to keep it keeps on growing
If it needs to I have more skin now

(23:13):
Than I had whenever I was 21 I'll tell you that
But do you have more skin
Or is it just stretched out more
Or do you have more skin
Do you have bigger biceps even though they're just
You know tearing and then building up
Yeah
Yeah but I don't know
Well you definitely have more skin than when you were like 5
True
You got more surface here

(23:35):
See if the skin ever stops growing
More bone too
Are we like snakes and shit we just don't know
We just flake skin all the time
Yeah I know we do that
I'm ashy as hell
Oh wait that's the thing with like the mattress and the pillows right
Or your skin gets caught up in them
And it's super heavy
Ain't that fucking gross dude
It doesn't ever stop completely

(23:57):
Keeps on growing
Oh man
But it's weird because older people look like they have more skin
See look at that
They're getting too much skin now
Well it slows down because you're not
Growing anymore
It's gonna keep on growing faster when you're in your
Places where you're growing
Cause I think you guys still got time to grow
It's like 25

(24:19):
Or even 20
It's a possibility
If you get a terrible tumor
You could be huge man
Why have to have a tumor to get taller
I don't know bro
There was a girl
That I may or may not
Have known that had a tumor
On some gland
And she just started lactating

(24:43):
Lactating?
That's messed up
So you would just be
Was it like school or something
We all were like you fucking whore you got pregnant
Fucking weirdo
Poor girl
But dude imagine
But if you're a girl and that happens to you
When you're like 19 or 20
That's a one way ticket to becoming

(25:05):
An overnight millionaire
On OnlyFans
People are buying breast milk on threads
I clicked on a thread about
Tua getting a concussion
For the 15th time
This week
Then there was one cause threads loves
To have horny shit on there
And I scrolled down one and it was a girl
Selling her breast milk for real

(25:27):
Cause people are putting it in their
Protein smoothies
Dude this is the best time to be a pimp
That is
I mean if you're a pimp right now cause it's legal
It's OnlyFans you're not sending them
Out there to Joe's
You get them and you fuck it
You gotta have meat cows
And dairy cows
This is my dairy cow

(25:49):
This is my milk whore
So how much
They selling this for
I think it depends
I think it depends on the person
And I don't know what increments
Like they're probably not selling a gallon
Of it
I don't think you get that much
I think you can probably buy like
Maybe like 8 fluid ounces

(26:11):
Yeah
That'll probably run you
50
Probably more cause you gotta
Don't you have to put dry ice or something
That's probably 150 if we're being honest
I think you put it in dry ice
Yeah bro if you're gonna ship it
You can refrigerate it
But the human body
It's at like 98 degrees

(26:33):
But like whenever
Women pump they put it in the freezer
That's just babies
Babies are pussies
Oh okay
You don't want to drink a warm milk
Warm milk? Hey man
Should we buy a bottle of breast milk for the podcast?
Too much can go wrong there
Can it carry diseases?

(26:55):
It's not gonna carry diseases if it's sold professionally
Let's see
You might be 6'8
After this if you drink the breast milk
And plus I just
I've never tried breast milk
Do you think it tastes like regular milk at all?
Probably
I was actually just watching Greg Fitzsimmons
On Your Moms House
He was talking about his wife was lactating

(27:17):
It was hurting so
She left her pump at home he had to suck it out
He was like downed
Like a couple ounces of it
So they could bang
That's loud
It was like a bang night
They got kids they're older
He went to the hotel she left her pump
And he was like no I'll just suck it out
So he sucked it out

(27:39):
They end up banging and then go back home
And then he's like he's shit for
3 days straight
Oh wow
Horrible diarrhea
And he said it was sweet warm and sweet
Wasn't bad
Sweet? I didn't think it would be sweet
But then again what do I know?
You think you regret that?
They said it's sweet though

(28:01):
Probably not
If it's sexual you definitely regret it
They're older
It's not like they
Make time to have sex
Wait so this is a young guy and an old lady?
No they're married Greg Fitzsimmons
Is a comedian he's like let's say
55 or something like that
He's been married for like 20 years
Let's say

(28:23):
They make a thing like we're going to go
Out to eat and then get a hotel room
We don't have the kids fucking with us
Pipe shit
If they went back home it ruins the whole night
So he just had to man up
I respect him for it
I did too
You got to do what you got to do
We would all do the same thing
Exactly we had to

(28:45):
Support of people
And he couldn't spit it out
Because she said
Her job was
Whatever they're called
The nurses who help them get on
So that's her job
She's like you can't spit it out
So he had to swallow it
I guess it won't come out right
I'm not a wet nurse

(29:07):
I was just repeating what he said
I think I would do it too
What about you Brandon?
Not in a sexual context
I would just want to do it for science
Or if I was thirsty
So you just want to suck on the titty
If it's there, if you're sucking on titties
Titty doesn't even have to be involved
You can give me a bottle
She's going to like that

(29:29):
And there you go
But what if you don't like it?
There's always that
Fluids can go either way
It depends on how you feel
And what if you get a bad batch?
What if you get a sour one?
Depends on what they ate right?
I was listening to this podcast
And this dude was talking about
The benefits of drinking your own piss

(29:51):
And he was like
You got to piss first
And let some of it go out
That initial stream
Let that go out
You got to get the piss in the middle
And then at the end
That's also no good
It's just the piss in the middle
We should try our own piss
Just our own piss

(30:13):
You rub it on your face
And drink it
It has healing qualities Brandon
I don't even like to look at my pee man
I'm good
Because it's like, it's pee man
Let's get that out the way
You don't like pee?
So you don't think it feels good when you really have to piss on your face?
Oh when I'm doing it yes
You don't stare at it like

(30:35):
Get out of here you dirty little shit
It's almost sexual
When you have to pee really bad it's not almost sexual for you guys?
I mean while it's happening
I look around and stuff
And be like this is great
But I'm not going to stare and linger too long
I start licking my lips and everything
I hate when I'm doing that good piss
And then a lot of times when you're drinking
And then

(30:57):
If somebody comes in the urinal next to you
And like ruins it
Let me have my moment
I agree, that's bad bathroom etiquette
I'll have that problem
What about when you go stand next to somebody?
No he goes in the stall
That way you're in your personal
Pleasure chamber
Oh we haven't had an update
Have you graduated to a urinal at all?

(31:19):
No, no I'm still in the stall
It's a work in progress dude
I'm still in the stall but I mean we doing it normal
It's like a urinal but I'm in the stall
So you're keeping the pants up?
Yeah
Every other day
Oh so you switch off
You don't want to go cold turkey
Sounds like you're straddling the fence on this
You need to go full urinal

(31:41):
Does it feel better up or down?
That's a tough choice
I'll be honest with you I haven't pissed with my pants all the way down since I was a child
Really?
I don't know if it feels good
I mean I guess there's a breeze
If you stand it's just normal
You're just like okay
Then you pull it up real fast
But if it's up there
Wait don't you pee outside?

(32:03):
No, I mean ten years ago I was a kid
You never pissed outside?
No I mean I would as a kid
Sometimes we were all like on the road
No like as a grown adult man
I don't pee outside
I don't pee so much
In your backyard?
Anywhere, if you got to pee and you're outside
People are all around my backyard
I probably shouldn't say this

(32:25):
I drive around for my job
And I have to check these stations
Sometimes they're out in the country
But sometimes they're right behind somebody's houses
And you know when you have to piss like that
There's nothing else around
I'm acting like I'm doing something but pissing at the same time
Yeah
So you're acting like you're working
You're acting like you're working
So I usually have these big ass

(32:47):
Like electrical things
And I'll act like I'm fucking with something on there
And then piss
If this house is next
Because I don't want somebody's kid to come out
Then now it's a problem
It's already a problem
That is a problem
I was thinking maybe
This was a station out in a wooded area
This is a neighborhood

(33:09):
This is somebody's
neighborhood
The whole point of this is like this is where all
The sewage comes to
So I have to go there and just make sure it's working
And sometimes
Sometimes it's next to a house you can't control when you have to piss
I've been on the road all day
But at the same time
You can't piss in a suburban
Like cul-de-sac

(33:31):
It's woods behind it
But you're pissing on the side of the house
Next to the meter
They just know to piss
So you know there's nobody back there so all you gotta do is keep your eyes
On the house over here
So you just have to watch out
You have to find like a peninsula
On three sides it has to be covered
Keep your eye on the open side
It's like a veteran PTSD

(33:53):
You have to sit in the corner
At all times
You have to have your eyes on all the entrances and the exits
That's true
You ever killed someone?
Not yet
I like how you haven't completely written it off
Yeah
Brandon I think when you snap it's gonna be
Something of epic proportions

(34:15):
Cause you never really get mad
So whenever you snap
You just let go
Brandon's gonna get several or get one
In a brutal fashion
He's gonna beat somebody to death
With his hands
And there's gonna be a rock and some kind of blunt force object
Or he's just gonna
Drive into some group
Driving to a group with my car?

(34:37):
Yeah
Some group that has wronged you
He's just gonna be driving downtown
He's gonna see the GOP party
In the red church and be like I don't even fucking know
What the fuck is a gop
And then just mow down
25 people
What you hit the sidewalk
I didn't touch no people
That sounded weird

(34:59):
Brandon you would get away with murder
Legally you would get away
Okay you guys think so
I don't think so now
You can walk out there and kill somebody right now
You wouldn't do a day in jail
Their mom wouldn't even be mad at you dude
We understand
Maybe he should be put in an institution
But not that kind
Man nobody gonna put me in no institution

(35:21):
You going to jail fuck that
They're like you going to jail
They make a fake jail for Brandon
So he thinks he's going to jail
And they bring him in there but it's like us
But
At the end of the day
Brandon's like alright man
I'm going to my cell
We're going to ours and we go home
Just live a life

(35:43):
He's trying to do the mirror thing and talk to us
Like a Truman Show prison
How crazy would that be
They need to remake the Truman Show
And like really not tell the person
Oh do it for real
You can't do that
Like from birth? No no no
From birth but you like say
It would be dumb enough
You make a whole fucking town

(36:05):
You're here for a job for 6 months
Oh offer them a job
You offer them a job for 6 months right
And then you just put them in there
Part of the stipulation of the job you can't leave
You know but everything's recorded
And then you got fake people
So everything that's coming up is you know fake
There can be multiple love interests
Multiple
But they're all hired and at the end they're just like

(36:27):
You fucking idiot dude
I would never be with you
I was paid to talk to you
OnlyFans models
But they can't be too hot
They gotta have like a one weird two
Have you seen OnlyFans? No I'm saying
I'm saying in this situation
You can't make them too hot because then
You know if the dude just looked normal
You can be like wait a minute

(36:49):
Because dudes are dumb but they're not that dumb
But you got all different
You got a different array of OnlyFans models
Next door, you got the hefty ones
You got the hot ones
Or whoever
See I'm not into the ones that look fake hot
You know what I mean?
That's why you gotta get believable
Women. Girl next door
That's the whole thing

(37:11):
Dude I know some
OnlyFans models who are busted they just have like
Big tits. You know what I mean?
Sarah J's of OnlyFans
Don't you dare talk about Sarah J on this podcast
You know her face dude
Sarah J
Sarah J, Lisa Ann
Lisa who this is right here real quick
Sarah J look at Sarah J
She's a god damn goddess

(37:33):
Sarah J
He's getting mad about this spelling
Sarah J
It's without a H
Okay
OnlyFans. It's not her
Let's just say OF
There we go. He's trying to act like he doesn't know
So look at this
See I've never seen this

(37:55):
Brandon. I've never seen this
Do you see the vision?
Yeah I can see, I can definitely see this vision right now
Exactly Brandon
Godduss
She has the haircut of that guy from the Bench Warmers
He wouldn't even know this
It's cause she has dreads in that one
She called Dom the N word
I don't like the dreads or the curly hair
Go down to the black

(38:17):
That's terrible, that's a bad picture
That was my gym teacher in elementary school
Nah come on
No man
I saw her one time
This is 100% true
I've seen her at every fucking cafeteria I've ever been to
So I was on a plane
I know the layovers in Detroit
And I'm just sitting there
And a woman comes sit down

(38:39):
She was with a hefty friend
And her friend was really big
So you don't really think
And I didn't see her face, she just came and sat down
So I go to a picture of her back
That guy with that little
And then
So she has a tattoo on her back
And I'm just like looking
I'm like catacorner right
Yeah that

(39:01):
So I'm looking
And Alex you're going to have to bleep out all the rest of these pictures
But
I didn't even notice
I was like what the fuck is that
So I'm sitting there on the plane
And I'm like damn that tattoo looks familiar
So I'm like damn that tattoo looks familiar
She gets up and goes to the bathroom
And I'm like oh my god
I was like do I go back there

(39:23):
And say like wait for her to come out the bathroom
Like I love your work
Big fan of your work
I didn't
She just looks regular and public
That might be the worst tattoo I've ever seen
Dude that's fire
What the fuck
She has a tattoo of somebody 69
In the middle
A drop of water

(39:45):
Some kind of kanji
The monster energy
Logo on the back of her neck
And then
Like a backwards nine
What is that
Is that black and white sperm colliding together
To make one
If you have black sperm you need to seek medical attention
ASAP
Now tell me

(40:07):
If this is wrong cause I said this and my friends made fun of me
Have you ever seen condensed milk
Yes I think I have seen it
Does it look like semen
Yes I believe
Let me search it up just to clarify
Please don't look up pictures of semen
No no semen we know what that looks like
But I'm talking about condensed milk let's see
Maybe not that
Right there

(40:29):
Ok yeah I see that
In that photo it does but the more yellow
Ones if your shit looks like that bro
You're probably 70 years old
That's Pillsbury
Come right there
Ok
That
Specifically the one inside of the spoon
Yeah click on that one
That's semen

(40:51):
Brandon you know you have a mouse over there
But that's vegan condensed milk that he was on
No not that dude
That was vegan
Let me get back to it
See what I was saying is spilt on the side so it looked like it
So I didn't I'm not talking about the yellow
But the rest everything else
Yeah
Now we know if we ever have a skit
We gotta get vegan condensed milk

(41:13):
Crazy skit
Hell yeah
Brandon I hope you like whatever this is
It's sweet
I know but what's going on that we would need fake
Dude you never know
We don't know
If I get an artistic vision
You might have to cover your face in this
You just look
I'm saying might

(41:35):
Whenever you're the actor and somebody like
Ok this is going to be JJ's vision
We just have to do whatever he says
For all the great producers in Hollywood
Harvey Weinstein
I'm getting a leather black
Couch too
See look this is how it's starting man
Because we got the fake cum
Now we got the leather couch just over here
We like the fake

(41:57):
And then you got Harvey Weinstein
This is
I'm not going to do the sex stuff that he did
We're just going to lather your face up
With this vegan condensed milk
And put you on camera and post it on the internet
Publicly for people to see
Future employers, family, friends
People you admire, respect
No I don't know
I don't know about that

(42:19):
I'm good
Ok dude you obviously just don't want to be famous
So you're saying you wouldn't do this for the skit
I would put it in my beard
You would put it in your beard?
Without a doubt
We didn't have to say that
And then you just like grow it out
And it just curls up right here
See you guys have heard Couchy sickle
Wait till you hear about cum sickle

(42:41):
No
That's bad
See that one's worse
That's a snow storm man that's bad
Because that's in there and you can see it real good
We should
We do a science experiment
Like a Prince Rupert
To drop
What the fuck is that?
Prince Rupert's drop

(43:03):
It's a glass
Structure
It's like a coil dude
And the fat end of it is indestructible
The only way you can break it is if you snip the tiny part
Causes a chain reaction
Of crystal lattice failure
This right here
It looks like a semen
This thing is indestructible dude

(43:25):
They tried to shoot it
Can you make a shirt out of this?
Can you make a shirt out of this?
Like out of the design
Oh you mean like this material
I think it's the way it's a shape
It has to be that shape
I like how you called it a shirt
I was saying that we made a shirt
A bullet proof shirt is what you're saying
Iron man's shirt is crazy

(43:47):
I mean if you can make one big enough
But look at the video man
Like that little tiny wispy end
See
Well that
When this was invented
They didn't have a video
So they're hitting it from the back
Shannon Sharp
Dude I saw the whole thing
You did?

(44:09):
Found it, it was on twitter
You didn't have to watch the whole thing
It was crazy
It sounded like
I didn't really listen to what he was saying
I just heard the way he was talking
It sounded like he was talking in her ear just doing that dirty talk
Explain to the fans
If they haven't seen the Shannon Sharp video
Ok so there's a Shannon Sharp live video
Who is Shannon Sharp?

(44:31):
Shannon Sharp he was on Undisputed
He argues a lot
Hall of Fame, tight end
Oh yeah he was also tight end
Made fun of slow people
I remember that video that was cool
Don't know what he's talking about
He said it sounds like Johnny can't read
Oh yeah
That's not making fun of me
Public humiliation

(44:53):
We've had a couple of that
But
They were on the live
And he didn't know
Because he doesn't know anything about Instagram
So he got on the live
And he was just clapping them cheeks
Going to town if you know what I mean
And he was doing a good job
He did it, he perfected it
That's what I feel

(45:15):
What grade would you give him?
Based on audio alone
He keeps saying she
That night in comedy
If it was comedy he would have killed
If it was comedy he would have killed
We're going to give it an 8 or 9
Because he was hollering and stuff
He was back there talking too
He was getting it down
It was good

(45:37):
And then everybody tried to reach out to him
And he couldn't, he zoned out
And she wasn't even caring because she can't hear
But the agent had to call
And when the agent called they were like
You know, you're kind of being loud right now
He's like what you mean by loud?
And then they're like, well we hear you having sex
And of course you know
That message was from a man when everybody
Sees it and you didn't know

(45:59):
So now he's calling the SPN
And trying to let them know
Before they find out
Which you kind of have to do that if shit goes down
And at least he owned up to it
Because at the end he was like, you know what I did
And I did amazing too
And I did it in the morning too
Wait he said
He was like, my Instagram was hacked
He said he said he didn't

(46:21):
No, he said it afterwards, he said he was hacked at first
Then he admitted to it
I was hacked
I'm like, first of all, can Instagram
Just hack your phone at any time?
He didn't know though
Dom's worried now
It's old people versus
Technology
It's always going to be like that
And it's crazy that Shannon Sharp has a crazy

(46:43):
Successful show on the internet
Club Shasheh
And all this shit, he's famous
And he still gets defeated
Do you think he's touching anything
Producing wise of that?
Oh, absolutely not
Yeah, but you should be able to operate Instagram
If you have that many
Followers, you should take it
Upon yourself to learn how to operate the app

(47:05):
I mean, I'm sure he has
All the passwords to his
Social media, but I'm sure somebody else
Runs it too
I can't look at him
It's like AI took over and just
Fucked his whole life
He's crazy
This motherfucker's jacked too, he's like
54
54 years old

(47:27):
He has 27 teeth
Just in that photo
He looked like a
Dinosaur, or a horse
He played for the Broncos too
Perfect
He's a monkey off a track, kinda
Something like that
You got a strong ass jaw
Well, you can take it off the
Did you have some videos you wanted to show us, Dom?

(47:49):
What time we at?
We are at 46, man
I wanna see some videos
Press mute first, press mute
No, press mute on the
Computer, the button that says mute
Alright, then open it up
And then start it from the beginning
Restart it?
So let's give it back
This is, so

(48:11):
If anybody out there doesn't know who
Chris Benoit is, he's a wrestler
From the 90s
It was really good
He was vicious
He ended up
Killing his family
Kids and all
He killed his wife and his kid
I think he suffocated his kid
I don't know what he did to his wife

(48:33):
Then killed his self
I think the foreshadowing in this video
Is hilarious, you can take it off the mute
It's like a little prediction
Or something, right?
You guys ready?
Let's hear it, yeah

(49:07):
That's a kid?
Even if he didn't kill his family
After this, that was weird
That he was doing that
And he was a method actor, dude
What can you say?
Go back, what are you doing?
We got some videos
We got more videos?
I don't know if this one's

(49:29):
This one?
It could be, we'll watch it for a second
Shit's getting weird, let's see
After this, dude's probably
Alright, just let it go
Brandon, what's your uncle doing?
Sex, right there
Hey, Jonathan, so you're

(49:51):
You're a bitch
You're a bitch
You're a bitch
You're a bitch
You're a bitch
You're a bitch
That's Jonathan Silver's beard
That's a long ass nose
That is Jonathan Silver's beard
I'm talking to you this morning
You guys like Bill Cosby

(50:13):
He does
Alright, you can pause
Oh, I'm glad we just watched that
That's all we wanted
That's no spread, was it?
Damn
That's it, that makes you sick, man
That was rough
Let me go ahead
Not that one, that's just actually for me
For this?

(50:35):
Oh, yeah, start this, but this is hilarious
I think you'll like this one, JJ
And Brandon will be in the photo

(51:09):
So, she's saying

(51:35):
If black people just use lotion
We would be white
No
Hell no
Technically, I'll play
White Devil's Advocate, dude
Sammy Sosa did that
He was putting on some kind of cream
It was lotion
And he turned white
Some kind of medical cream

(51:57):
Dude, that's so bad
But that's the thing
He does look crazy
He looks fucking insane
This lady, she probably genuinely believes that
I can't believe it
And also, there's a woman dressed like this at every
Southeastern youth baseball park in the United States
There's always a woman like this

(52:19):
Anywhere in the Midwest and South
No bra, cut off sleeves
Just disgusting, floppy tits
And just nothing going on upstairs, dude
Fucking tumbleweeds up there
She was sitting there eating dinner
And she's seeing a group full of black people
And she's like, I bet they want to know how to be white
They're going to love this one

(52:41):
They're going to want to know
First thought is, how can I improve these people?
Let's start with the color of their skin
She was eating like a $12 steak
And was like, they need to be white
Oh my gosh

(53:03):
Oh, this shit
Dude, I love that
I'm glad you liked it
I'm related to this person
A thousand percent
I can see that
Make sure when you play these videos you turn off your mic while it's playing
I gotcha
Now it's going to beat you up
Scroll down, let's see what we got
Do we got anything else?

(53:25):
Yeah, pause it first
Look at his gyrations
Yeah
Oh my gosh, is he wearing a strap on?
That's it, look
He's like a heavy doctor

(53:47):
What is the kid doing in the back?
Is this Vietnam?
Oh my gosh
Look at his fucking
His nuts
That's a moose back
Oh, gosh
What noise do you think that was making?
Dude, if white pants on men weren't gay enough already

(54:09):
They had to flare out
That is a vicious fucking flare out
That looks like horse legs
That was beautiful
No
I've never seen a camel toe like that
That's even worse than Dante
That was
That is flamboyant
But why was he killing that shit?
I mean he's definitely

(54:31):
He was killing it
And like his
My favorite part is his facial expressions
He's really into it
And the fact that he's going to hell
He did this on the Lord's Day
He's going to hell
I mean
He's wearing that ladies shirt from the last video
Oh shit

(54:53):
Oh my gosh
And fucking short rounds in the back
Like my dad's gay
Oh my gosh
I don't know
I don't mean for this to be racially charged
I feel like this was definitely in Thailand
And this man has a second job on the weekends at a bar
Singing and dancing
Thailand
See I'm getting

(55:15):
Vietnamese or Filipino
Dude I play Geo Guestry dude
That's Taiwanese dirt
Is that the fuck up?
The trees back there
Hell yeah
I'm saying Philippines
How have we not mentioned that it was like 9-11 two days ago
Holy shit it was
Shout out
Rest in peace

(55:37):
None of us, y'all better never
Don't do it now
They should have done a Wednesday night football game dude
Jets versus the Patriots
And the Jets should have lost
What's wrong with you?
That's how I feel, you think the Jets should have won dude?
I thought you were saying because they were in New York and the towers went down
They lost

(55:59):
I'm saying because the Jets flew into the planes
The Patriots should win
The Patriots get them
If Mark Wahlberg would have been there
None of this would have happened
If Mark Wahlberg would have been there he would have been like
This fucking Vietnamese guy
I would just beat him to death on the street
He does have a horrific
He does have a horrific
Charge

(56:21):
Oh yeah I remember back in the 90s
And like 80s he would be throwing rocks at you
He beat a couple of Asians up
He almost killed a man
An elderly man
Damn is he an elderly man?
Yeah he was old I think
Was he a teenager or was he grown?
He was young
Like a teenager
Enough to know better

(56:43):
Well you're not even on that
What are you doing?
You just put hate crime
Oh yeah that's right
Let's do that one
Mark Wahlberg hate crime
It doesn't pop up
So I don't want to see what he looks like younger
I'm going to be like this dude looks like John Cena
Now where is that?
Oh here it is, here it is CBS

(57:07):
Oh my god
Holy shit
I got some things to ask you
We got to look at the charges
As a minor
How can they get that up if he was a minor?
Charges
He paid a lot of money
To get this shit blown away

(57:29):
Race lead
Was this a multiple, this happened multiple times?
Oh yes
He did this multiple times
Why are they bringing George Floyd into this?
This was probably like right when it happened
Yeah but that was a black person
This is Asian
15 year old Wahlberg and his friends were charged for
Chasing three black children
And pelting them with rocks

(57:51):
While yelling
Can one of you guys get this one?
Kill the niggas
Until the ambulance driver intervened
That's fucked, I didn't know it was black
Now I'm pissed off
Did you see the next day?
We've all done this
Oh shit
You might want to say you just

(58:13):
Get it
I'm just kidding guys, this is a goofy silly
Fun time I guess
I definitely did not do that
With your look you can go either way
I have glasses, what are you talking about?
What if they just soloed that clip, we all did it
The next day
He does it the next day
He wakes up and he's like I didn't get enough yesterday

(58:35):
The next day Wahlberg harassed
Another group of mostly black children
Around the age of
9 or 10
At the beach
Gathering other white men to join in
Racially abusing and throwing rocks at them
It's kind of hard to find rocks at the beach
There's some holes in this story
And then later in 1988
He attacked two Vietnamese men

(58:57):
While high on the drug PCP
Now that is what I remember
Now I'm kind of not liking it Mark
Because look PCP you attack somebody
You're on PCP
So he might not really hate the Asians
Seems like he hates the blacks, he is from Boston
He was on PCP
He just thought they were black
Wait, well he does

(59:19):
It is racially motivated
A Vietnamese
Something
I don't know what, I'm guessing
He got prison time
He got 45 days in prison for this
Wait how old were the
Vietnamese dudes
Let's go back and see
I didn't say
Let's see if it goes down

(59:41):
What does he have to say
What if his victim said, go to there
In recent years
The actor's victims have
Expressed different opinions
On whether Wahlberg should steal
I was reading that man
That's some bullshit
Okay, and recent reals it held
Okay, so it said should still be held accountable
For his teenage actions

(01:00:03):
Crit
I don't care what they think
Who should be held accountable for, what the fuck
What did they say, oh that's what they said
It says Christian
Atwood, one of the fourth grade
Students Wahlberg attacked at the beach
In 1986 told
The Associated Press that she
Didn't think he should be pardoned
I don't really care who he is, it doesn't make him

(01:00:25):
Any exception, if you're a racist
You're always gonna be a racist
And she continued for him to want
For him to want to
Erase it, I just think it's wrong
Okay, I will say this, that's wrong
If you're a racist, you'll always be a racist
Yeah, I couldn't stand
Chinese forever, and then
Damn, and then Alex came around
What the fuck

(01:00:47):
Best buds man
There has to be a group you didn't like Brandon
Or weren't particularly like fond of
Could have been whites
It could be white, dude I won't hold it against
I've had some thoughts myself
I didn't like whites for
It was a little stretch from I think
14 to about 17
Because they wouldn't let us into the parties
The Wahlberg years, as they refer to them

(01:01:09):
They wouldn't let us into the parties
They kept on calling us the hard R
And then
Like when we kept on beating the shit out of them
And that's what you do, and this is what people don't realize
You fuck them up, real good like
We sent one to the hospital bleeding on the brain
I bet he hasn't, he might still say it
But he hasn't said it in public
He doesn't mean it as much
He can't, he's mentally challenged

(01:01:31):
He's mentally challenged out
But uh
Yeah
Hell yeah
I know people who were racist against
A lot of different type of people
They just weren't around those type of people
You grew up somewhere, you only see
White people and you only see black people
And then you get to hang around them
So I don't believe you're always racist

(01:01:53):
But he was aggressive, and he probably still is
That's why people want to travel so much
They just want to find a group of people that are like
Wow they suck, I hate them
I don't like these
But dude
Best people in the world
Hawaiians
Now for white guys it gets a little dicey, but if you're you
You're good
If you're

(01:02:15):
As a Birmingham guy, if you're him, he might
Get fucked up
But
If you're chill
They will fuck A.J. O'Leary
They'll fuck him, they'll fucking bust a
Pineapple right over his head dude
He wouldn't be able to walk the streets
But those are nice people
He's just too much of an asshole
Damn he always a dick

(01:02:37):
God I hate A.J. O'Leary
We had him on
Yeah dude he smelled weird
He hasn't talked to us since
Not one time, he wears a suit all the time
Thinks he's the shit
Can you believe that
Fucking on the news
Who does he think he is on the news
Does he ever bring us up on the news
I don't think so

(01:02:59):
And he does
Business reporting
What are we dude, that's not a business
Yeah man, where you at
You know how much we made at our last show Brandon
How much did we make?
1597
Round it up
You got 16 now
He's quick with it
I'm a cashier now, don't play with me

(01:03:21):
It's all about, do give a round of applause
My IQ test would be higher right now
Not too much higher
Don't go over two points
If you had to commit a hate crime Brandon
What do you think you would do
Would you throw rocks at people
This is setting me up right here
I'm not saying you would, I'm just saying if you had to
If you had to commit a hate crime

(01:03:43):
Well if I had to commit a crime
Hate crime
As we racially, religiously, ethnically motivated
I know who I'm going with
We should hear what you're going with now
He'll say it after
And I'll say my piece
I mean
I guess
Oh yeah
You could be walking in the beach right

(01:04:05):
And you're on the edge of the water
You know where everybody's all having a good time
And they looking out at the seagulls and shit
And then when you walk past them you just
Don't say nothing, oops! You push them in the ocean
There you go
No he's not going to die because dude
It's right there, look it's right there
So once he falls you go straight back to the
What is that thing called, the shore
Near the shore

(01:04:27):
So once he falls
But what's the hate element
Why'd you do it
Gay? Gay
Is it the gay
Blacks because you're pushing them in water
No, or both
No
So you know what, so just say something random
Just say it random, who's the people that you would hate
Brandon

(01:04:49):
And how would you punish these people
We know who it is
Okay what like really, really
Old, just really
Old white people driving
Oh that's a good one
I just removed they cane and see if they can walk
There you go
You could like saw it half way through
And then they put weight on it and they're like
Yeah you can walk and they collapse

(01:05:11):
How you doing sonny, I'm good man I need that
That's a good one
That's a good one
What would you do Dom
I would take a whole bunch of gold coins
And then
Stuff them in
Pigs and
Shrimp
Yeah
And feed it to them

(01:05:33):
And then I want them to try to get it
Who
Oh I already know
Who
Who do you think, huh
Damn it Brandon, they're at war right now
Okay so then who is it
No, I was talking about the black Israelites
Oh shit
Damn
Holy shit, I was just, yep

(01:05:55):
I was just guessing that German shit man, you can't talk about Hitler
Yeah, well I just
We won't get on it today
What about you J.J.
Oh, what would I do man
Well I've had
Several ideas
You already thinking? Oh yeah man this is years
Of planning, I don't want to spoil
My genius plan

(01:06:17):
I don't know, maybe like
Like whenever
Alex Z has to go to court
Ordered anger management classes
And do community service for whoever
He hits with like a mag light
Or a mic stand
Next, I think maybe like
Make them clean
The stalls at an animal shelter
But don't give them a lunch break

(01:06:39):
And then around
Hour 7 to 8 bro
It starts
He starts sweating
He's white knuckling the broom
And shit, he's like fuck
Oh, we haven't said your joke over here that you said to Alex
That we went to
The Gunnersville
The Gunnersville show

(01:07:01):
What happened dog
There was shout out T-guy jokes
Tristan
He invited us down there
He was making tacos outside of the grand opening
Of this business, they were fire
They were fire
And we were all outside
There was a dude that looked like
Exactly like Paul Wall was there
And he had two dogs and Alex

(01:07:23):
Not on the leash
But this is where if you're going to do it in public
This is the place you can do it
And Alex put his food
Down on like the
In a window sill
And the dog came up and ate it
And I said damn, Alex's food is eating Alex's food
Damn man
I get it, oh I got it as soon as you said dog
He knew where it was going

(01:07:45):
He knew where it was going
I knew where it was going
Dude, I kind of
Dude, that actually was something I was thinking of earlier
I was like dude, wouldn't that be a horrible
Punishment if you gave
Somebody like you, you had to work customer service
For 24-7 you never get a break
You never get to sit down
You sit down and they whip you, you have to always work
That would be some crazy shit, wouldn't it?

(01:08:07):
Well, there was something that happened
Damn, look at that
It already happened
It wasn't really a customer facing role
Yeah, but they sat down
He'd be like you can't sit down
You just got to stand at this register
For 80 years
You don't even get a lunch break
Oh my gosh, dude, is that where the terms front of house and back of house come from?

(01:08:27):
Probably
What's the term, it's just front of the house and back of the house
Like front and back
The front of the big house
The White House
Yeah
I would be in the big house, you
Probably in the
Brandon lives in the outhouse
You're probably in the yard
But I will come out there and give you stuff

(01:08:49):
Dude, I'm glad you would
And I would pretend like I didn't see it
Oh man, that's crazy
I wouldn't be the owner
I'd be like, you know, I was in a history class
The old south, dude
And there was poor whites
Who they were also looked down upon
Obviously they weren't slaves
It wasn't as bad
But whenever a poor white

(01:09:11):
Would come up to like a rich white's house
For work
The rich white dude would come up
For work, the rich white dude
Would always send out a slave to talk to him
Because he didn't see him as equal
I'm not talking to this fucking cracker, dude
Marvin, you go
Say something, dude
I'd be that guy

(01:09:33):
I'd be that guy walking up like guys
Let me hop in
Oh, the good old days
Huh? No
Good old days
You know what would have been the best time in the world to live as any person
Is a white guy
In the 1950s
Nah, that was a good time for us
That was A

(01:09:55):
If I was to pick anywhere to go back
Because you know you can go back to the Egyptian time
They didn't have AC
You can go back to all these different times
And be the Meng dynasty
Whatever they were
That was an
The Meng dynasty
The Ming dynasty, right?
Ming, Wing, Ling
And I think those really were all real dynasties

(01:10:17):
Yes
There's one called, alright, I'm going to enunciate this very well
The Qing
But it was K-I-N-G
Or not K-I-N-G
Okay
King's dynasty
See, dude, they went crazy
I think these were the people that discovered silk
Holy shit
And started a big deal

(01:10:39):
Some trade routes
Would you rather be
The highest ranking member of this
Or a white guy in the 1950s
I mean the white guy in the 1950s
Would have more access to resources than
Any of these people
But they'll have like slaves and such
These people?
I'm sure the hot whoever the top dog was
Got whatever

(01:11:01):
Like when you go back to those times
When you're the big guy, you get whatever you want
Chinese slaves
Probably smart
But those aren't the guys you want
I mean, they probably know how to work
Or do good shit
Yeah
They're always giving out free samples of your product
It's weird they still have vibrators

(01:11:23):
But no AC
You know they did though
Oh, he's talking about the
Bees
But that's Egyptians
I feel like it's evolved over time, they found different ways
How do you think they did it in ancient China?
Let's see what they got there
So what you could do is cut down
Chinese hornet?
Yeah, you could get, no, fuck that

(01:11:45):
That's because that can go wrong fast
What you could do is, okay, no
You could get splinters like that, fuck that
Nevermind, I was going to say you cut down some bamboo
You can't do that
What's the vibrating instrument?
So probably Bumblebees maybe
Yeah
Instead of hornets
That's worse
Dude, they just

(01:12:07):
They're locked in a thing
They're confined
But they're harder to catch
But what if you have a dude that sucks and he accidentally has a little part where they can just chip through that
You gotta be careful
That's part of what you gotta take
Part of the risk
You want to use a
Vibrating, king, how you say this?
The Ching
Ching dynasty

(01:12:29):
Actually, I know how they do it
So you cut down some bamboo wood
You put them inside of it, you get something that tights it up real good
And then you get like some hide or something
To cover around the bamboo stick
What kind of animal?
Fox maybe?
Horse, you're gonna get a horse
People already like horses
So you get the same experience
You're not actually doing the horse, but you know what it is

(01:12:51):
You know what it is
Yeah, that's what I feel like they do
Just have a bunch of bees and hornets
And you could probably put a couple of balls in there that could move around too
Because they're all colliding together
So you got a horse snake, you just got a bunch of shit, everything's moving
Like a baby rattlesnake?
Bees too
No, this is all gonna be inside trying to make it move
Brandon, what about a rattlesnake dude?
Ooooooo

(01:13:13):
That could work too
That's gonna work very small though
That's gonna work very
For a short time because
That thing is gonna die in there
Well, you don't even have to put it in anything
You just have to make sure
Put something over his face
And then it's gonna automatically shake that
We got hours for it, does
So it's just the fangs

(01:13:35):
Nothing else in that body got that poison?
Yeah, no, the actual tail doesn't have that poison
I don't think it's gonna secrete any poison
Yeah, I mean that would be tough
But they could do it
It would be very tough though
Why would it be tough?
Because you gotta know how to catch the snake right
You gotta know how to grab it
You gotta realize what you're grabbing too
How are you gonna cover this thing over his head?

(01:13:57):
It's a dangerous game
I mean, like right now we would just use tape
So they probably use sapping bandages
Oh yeah
You think they don't have tape but they have bandages
Yeah
Oh that's bizarre though
It's just garment
I'm thinking of like band-aids
I feel bad for the snake at this point
That's saying something because I don't mess with snakes

(01:14:19):
This is a very dangerous thing dude
This is pretty much how Steve Irwin did
You raped a snake man, I just realized that
They don't have rights
Not at this point
Not almost like three people
had rights and that was it
Here it is
No, I'm not gonna do that
That's a dragon
That's a raar

(01:14:41):
What's that?
Oh, just making a dragon noise
That's a dragon
What's that dot that he's looking at?
Because it's in Japan, right?
Yeah, sure
This is the Qing dynasty of Japan
What is that the sun?
Yeah, I think so actually
Sun god?
Raw

(01:15:03):
That's Egyptian though
Isn't some rolling paper gonna pop up?
No
Oh no
We lost him
It's RA raw
Just RA
Okay
See that's cool as shit
That's Egyptian
That is cool as hell

(01:15:27):
And they can't make a good movie about these
motherfuckers, I'm so pissed off
What was that one? Gods of Egypt
With all whites
I'm not big on
You have whoever you want in the movie
It's Gods of fucking Egypt and they're all white
Well, everybody was white back then
No
Then the red 40 made you guys darker
And then you gotta get that ladies lotion

(01:15:49):
at that fucking shitty restaurant
and they'll make you white again
But the movies suck too, I just want to put that out there
Not even about just the white people
just sucked as a movie all together
What about the arthritis photos
The guy on the rock
Oh my god, that looked like fucking
Tua's hand
Exactly, that's rough
Well, I mean

(01:16:11):
I understand your situation
Do you think Steve Irwin ever touched
any of the animals inappropriately?
Probably, I think you got to
Well, I don't think you got to
You have to, but you might have
There's a chance it happens
What if it was like a Mr. Hand
situation where actually he tried
to have sex, the stingray thing went up his ass
and it killed him

(01:16:33):
I don't want to believe that
I don't think he did it
First of all, Steve Irwin, I almost feel bad saying that
He might be the best dude ever
Ken Bob Ross
Mr. Rogers
Steve Irwin
is probably the best white in the last 50 years
I just told you two more
That's amazing dude
I'm taking Steve Irwin over Bob Ross

(01:16:55):
But you're taking him over Mr. Rogers
Did you watch Mr. Rogers growing up?
Well, Steve Irwin was more my time
These guys were kind of before my time
Yeah, but Rogers was before
my time, but it just always came on
PBS
I watched Daniel Tiger, I didn't watch Mr. Rogers
Oh shit, I didn't know that was based on
I was like 17 when I watched that
I think this is the

(01:17:17):
best guy who's ever lived
I think this is the best white
A guy that all he wanted to do was talk to kids bro
Those are generally frowning, frowning whites
And when everybody hated black people
he was like, come in here and I'll wash your feet
Because he was Jesus like
He was trying to imitate that
Which I respect dude
He fought for public television
The only reason PBS still around

(01:17:39):
is because of him
How many kids got horrific
animal related injuries
trying to be like Steve Irwin
Oh without a doubt
Like me bro
I broke my foot chasing a lizard when I was 12
Holy shit
Hit it on the side of the house
Air conditioning unit man
Yo JJ

(01:18:01):
I got a question, I gotta go back to that Mr. Rogers
Did you say he like
So would he like personally wash their feet?
Like him?
It was to make a statement
Cause like
They didn't want him to have a black person
on there or something so he was like
You don't want me to have one, I'm gonna bring him in
Yeah but also Jake does that
Oh I know what you're talking about

(01:18:23):
Jake does it for different reasons
This right, I remember this
Yes I do
Historic day in America
I believe so
This is color TV
This wasn't that long ago
Yeah well this can't
The black dude's dressed up as a cop
Yeah
Who was the first black cop?

(01:18:45):
Oh dude they've had them since the 1800s
I don't think so
I really don't think so
I don't know
That would be like the modern day
Clayton Bigsby
Like a black cop in like Birmingham
Look at this, it's Bass Reese 18
Like dude this dude was
He was bad man, he was good
Look at this, oh Brandon's right again

(01:19:07):
But was he a cop or was he like a US marshal?
Dude he lived 1875
He lived for a long time too
Yeah he was a marshal
Which is probably way better than a police man
Exactly man, he was like one of the best
He was putting it down
I bet if you were a white dude and got arrested by this guy
You were so mad dude
So mad, I bet he was so happy
Look how many arrests, 4,000 arrests

(01:19:29):
Damn he's Kamala Harris
Kamala Harris
Who gives a fuck
If you vote for either of these two people
You heavily advocate for Donald Trump
Or Kamala Harris, congratulations dude
You're in the matrix
That's good
I think she's going to win
But I've never voted once
Even Obama, and I like Obama

(01:19:51):
Loved him
I like Bush too
I ain't going to lie to you, I like Bush too
And he might have genocideed a couple of her
But look
He was a wholesome guy
Obama bombed all those people
I was there, I was helping them
I pressed the button
Well
It's war

(01:20:13):
It's war man
There was a chance it wouldn't fire
Yeah
It's a good chance, they come back defective all the time
I have to take care of them
Send them back to the ASP, get them fixed
And all that type of shit
I've been seeing these videos on Instagram
Of dudes in the army who have full
Beards, and they're like
Why aren't you clean shaven? And it's just

(01:20:35):
Obviously Puerto Rican guy being like
I told them I was Muslim
They just have to respect it
Yeah dude, you do
I'm trying to take it
We didn't have anybody Muslim that had a beard
But I have mine like a stubble because
If you say
Black people get bumps, right?
So they can have beards because you can't shave
Shaving profile is what they call

(01:20:57):
And I didn't really need it
But I was like
I don't want to shave every day, so I went and got one
And they were like, oh you're black? Yeah
And then
You rarely see a white dude
I think I've seen one white dude and then
My NCO who was black was like
Hell no, I don't give a fuck what they say when he can't do that
So he had to
He had to let them grow it out

(01:21:19):
But I know they do this stuff for the
Muslims, like they can grow it out
But the reason you're supposed to be clean shaved is because
If a gas attack comes in
You want to be able to seal your
Gas mask. Yeah. You can't seal it
If you have hair. True
So even whenever if
You had a profile, if you go into the fucking
Gas chamber, you're going to shave
Because you ain't trying to

(01:21:41):
First of all, I'm not
Getting in the gas chamber. You have to, there's no choice
You have to. Nah man. There's not a choice
Too many history related incidents
You'll be fine. It does suck
It sucks
It looks good, but it's
It'll clean you out. It'll clean your nose out
For sure. I'm good without that. It's all snot
Everybody just comes out in the snot
Dude, that was me at Clown College show

(01:22:03):
I already went through the gas chamber
That was me the other day
We should do it. I'll probably get some CS Gas
Just in here
Oh shit dude
We were just like this and we'd die
Wouldn't this spread? Everybody would have to evacuate
You just put it, you just put like
A canister here, right
And it's like you put the
Tablets, you can have CS tablets

(01:22:25):
Or the actual gas
Like a pill?
No, like a sugar cube
Whatever, they're just tablets
And then you put like water
On them I think, and then it
Fills up the air with CS
Gas and it burns your skin
Oh no. But you got it, so we got to go in there
Right, I know we got to go, this is it
You go in there, and you got the

(01:22:47):
Mask on, the whole point of it is to make sure your mask
Works, so you're in there like hey everybody
Good, nobody doesn't
Either way you're going to have to take
It off, so
Then that's why you know, oh your shit's not sealed, so tighten
Up the straps, make sure you're sit sealed
Then you take off the mask, don't breathe in
And then put it back on and then reseal it
By pressing your hand against
The filter, and then you

(01:23:09):
Press it on there, you go, and you blow out
That's how you clear your mask, so
Now you're learning how to clear the mask once you get
Gas in it, or you get gas and then you put your mask on
And then, I think they just do this
So you know how it feels, or just to
Fuck with us, I actually did it
To whenever I became a sergeant, I love doing it
To soldiers too, but you know you take
Them in there and they close the doors
Have you all line up, all you guys take off

(01:23:31):
Your mask, and they say
The soldiers creed, and the soldiers creed is like
That's a lot of sentences, you know what I mean, it's not just
Like a couple of, I am an American soldier
That's the part I got to, I was like, I am an
Oh no
Try to run to the fucking door, this is
A basic training, try to run to the door, and they won't
Let you out, so you're like
Like you're fucking dying in there, and some
People can get pretty far

(01:23:53):
Into the soldiers, I am an American soldier
Blah blah blah blah blah, and they get
Pretty far, that's the only part you remember
I'm trying to remember, I am an American soldier
Yeah, that's the most important part
Yeah
Foreign and domestic, that's in there somewhere
Foreign and domestic, yeah talking about
Fucking people up
Foreignly or domestic, you got damn right
Because we're fucking soldiers

(01:24:15):
God damn it
That's it, peace

(01:24:47):
Ty Tussie

All Episodes

Mark Wahlberg Didn't Deserve a Pardon | #ClownCollegeComedyPodcast | Ep 45 W/ The Boys

Episode Transcript

Popular Podcasts

40s and Free Agents: NFL Draft Season

Dateline NBC

The Bobby Bones Show

.css-15opob5{left:0;position:absolute;top:0.8rem;} All Episodes

.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Mark Wahlberg Didn't Deserve a Pardon | #ClownCollegeComedyPodcast | Ep 45 W/ The Boys