February 3, 2025 • 10 mins
Have you ever found yourself drained by trying to control other people’s decisions, only to realize it doesn’t work?
What if two simple words could change that and bring you more peace?
In this episode you’ll discover:
- How the "Let Them" mindset can help you stop wasting energy on things outside your control, fostering inner peace.
- Learn practical steps to pause, breathe, and refocus your energy to better manage your emotions and priorities.
- How releasing judgment can lead to compassion, better relationships, and a greater sense of calm.
Take back your emotional energy today—press play and discover how the “Let Them” mindset can help you create more calm and control in your life!
****
About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.
Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover how the
let them mindset can help youstop wasting emotional energy on
things outside of your control.
welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, a podcast dedicated to
empowering midlife minds toovercome anxiety, stop feeling
like crap and become morepresent with your family, all
(00:20):
while achieving greater successat work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
experience teaching mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
Today I'm diving into a simpleyet powerful concept from Mel
Robbins called,""Let Them"".
(00:42):
Mel is having her moment.
She is all over the news sharingthis fun and super helpful idea
to decrease anxiety and increasecalm.
By the end of this episode,you'll understand how the""Let
Them"" mindset can help you stopwasting emotional energy on
things outside of your control.
I'm also going to add two simplebut important skills that I
(01:05):
think Mel left out of her theoryso, you can implement LetThem
with even more success.
As always, I'll end with aninner challenge, something you
can start today to help easeyour anxiety.
The LetThem theory is built on asimple idea.
Let people do what they want.
Mel shares a story about beingat her son's prom photo session,
(01:28):
discover that his friend grouphad no dinner reservations.
Oh yeah, if you've hadteenagers, you have been in that
situation probably 150 times.
They started talking about goingto a fast food taco place and
Mel jumped into action.
You know the drill.
What?
No reservations?
A taco place?
It's raining.
(01:49):
It's a small building.
It'll never be able to fit you.
It's your prom.
In no time, she was all wound upand then her college aged
daughter looked at her and said,Mom,""Let Them"".
At that moment, a light bulbwent off and a theory was born.
Instead of trying to control orinfluence others behaviors,
(02:10):
allow them the freedom to act asthey choose.
Whether it's a family member whomakes a decision you don't agree
with, a friend who doesn'trespond the way you had hoped.
Or even a stranger's behaviorthat frustrates you, like the
woman yesterday who took all thehalf priced canned pumpkin at
the grocery store.
Just""Let Them"".
Why?
(02:30):
Because people are going to dowhat they're going to do.
This theory that Mel created isfor people, perhaps yourself,
who spend too much time andenergy trying to manage how
others think, feel, and act.
If that's you, I'm glad you'relistening, because these two
words can set you free.
Think about the last time youstepped in to be a life coach
(02:53):
for someone who, A, wasn'tpaying you, and B, didn't invite
you.
How'd it go?
Probably not There are twotruths about life.
One, people like to do their ownthing.
Two, when we try to controlothers, their brain actually
leans into resistance.
Why?
Because people like to do theirown thing.
(03:14):
Voluntarily life coaching othersoften leads to unnecessary
stress, anxiety, anddisappointment because the truth
is you can't control anyone butyourself.
Letting them do what they willdoesn't mean you approve or
agree.
It simply means you're releasingyourself from the burden of
control and all the emotionsthat quickly follow it.
(03:37):
The beauty of""Let Them"" theorylies in its simplicity.
When you stop fighting againstthe actions of others, you free
up mental and emotional energyfor things you can control, your
own choices, peace, calm, andyour own priorities.
Let me give you an example fromthe couch.
A number of years ago, thoughI've had this many times in my
(03:58):
office, a client was upsetbecause her siblings weren't
doing what she felt was enoughfor their aging parents.
This created a lot of tension asshe explained to them what she
thought her parents needed andin response, they did what
adults often do.
Whatever they wanted.
She tried to get them moreinvolved, first by being nice,
(04:19):
and then by using guilt.
Nothing worked.
She was miserable.
At the time, I didn't have thesetwo fun words,""Let Them"", but
I said what I always say to myclients in this situation, Stay
in your lane.
You are not their life coach.
When you adopt the""Let Them""mindset, you are letting people
make decisions that they believeare best for them.
(04:42):
This means that you're notinternalizing their decisions.
or making it about you.
Doing this almost instantlyreduces overthinking, judgment,
and resentment.
It reminds you that otherpeople's actions aren't
necessarily personal.
They're often a reflection oftheir needs, priorities, or
struggles, not yours.
(05:04):
Practicing the spirit of""LetThem"" gave my client enough
mental space to realize that shehad always been closer to her
parents than her siblings.
Instead of being mad at them,she developed some compassion
and gratitude that the cardsfell in her favor when it came
to her relationship with herparents.
LetThem is a coping skill thatcan bring you more calm, but
(05:25):
actually it comes from a placeof anxiety.
Yes, your desire to help orcontrol may seem like it comes
from a good intention, but ifyou use your superpower of self
awareness, you'll likely seethat you feel anxious about the
other person's behavior.
Your kid isn't doing well inschool.
""Let Them"".
Your adult child is drinking toomuch.
(05:46):
""Let Them"".
Your spouse isn't getting enoughsleep.
""Let Them"".
It sounds easy, but for many ofyou listening, you've been
conditioned to jump in and help,jump in and direct, and even
jump in and save.
Having""Let Them"" as a copingskill in your mental wellness
toolkit will take a bit ofpractice.
You need to use the skill I talkabout so often on this podcast.
(06:10):
You need to notice when you arebeing called into action for
someone else and do thefollowing.
Number one, pause and reflect.
When you're tempted to react oroverthink someone's behavior,
pause and ask yourself, is thissomething I can control?
If not,""Let Them"".
Number two, breathe and reregulate your nervous system.
(06:34):
For some reason in my research,Mel left this important step
out.
If you don't do this, you'll bewhite knuckling your way
through.
""Let Them"".
Number three, focus on yourenergy, redirect your energy
within your control, your ownactions, emotions, boundaries,
and desires.
Number four, release judgment.
(06:56):
Understand that people'sdecisions aren't always about
you.
""Let Them"" make their choices,even if they're not the ones
you'd make.
Judgment is poison, usually notfor others, but for yourself.
Let Them"" can move you fromjudgment to acceptance.
Acceptance to compassion andcompassion to wishing others
(07:20):
success as they make their ownchoices.
My client was so busy judgingher siblings for not being like
her that she wasn't thinking ofthem as separate people with
their own history with herparents.
When she stepped out of controland judgment, she remembered how
hard her dad had been on hersiblings.
Something the family neveracknowledged.
(07:41):
But they still lived with.
A few months after she hadinitiated her one way truce,
there was enough peace betweenthem that one day she said to
her sibling, I think I get thatit's hard to help dad because he
was so hard on you.
This tough guy got tears in hiseyes and said nothing.
Her making space for hersibling's experience inside of
(08:03):
her made her more compassionateand kind.
It didn't change her siblingsbehavior, but it did change her.
And that's what this podcast isall about.
You changing your behavior soyou can create calm.
Judgment is an attempt to feelpowerful and in control.
Let Them"" surrenders toacceptance, peace, calm, love
(08:28):
and compassion.
The spirit of LetThem is youstaying in your lane with a
sense of wishing those swimmingnext to you the right to do
whatever workout they want andyou can send them blessings that
you hope it's a good one.
By the way, Common senseprevails in applying""Let
Them"".
Parents should use this wiselywith children who don't have
(08:49):
enough life experience to keepthemselves safe.
But they may actually know thatthey want to quit piano.
This theory isn't about beingpassive or ignoring boundaries.
It's about choosing calm overcontrol in situation where
control isn't yours to have.
Think of rush hour.
Or you can choose to be calm, oryou can choose to be angry about
(09:11):
the traffic flow.
The""Let Them"" theory isliberating because it's not
about giving up.
It's about letting go.
It reminds you that your peacedoesn't depend on controlling
others.
It depends on how you Manageyou.
So your inner challenge is totry out,""Let Them"".
The next time you find yourselfcaught up in someone else's
(09:31):
choices or actions, take a deepbreath and ask the question, can
I control this?
If the answer is no, take a fewbreaths and say,""Let Them"".
Next, refocus your energy, letgo of judgment.
And wish them well.
In this episode, I shared MelRobbins,""Let Them"" mindset and
(09:53):
I encourage you to add breathwork and a sprinkle of kindness
at the end wishing those who youwanted to control, well, I
actually did that with the ladywho took all the half price
pumpkin.
In my mind, I imagined she wasmaking pumpkin bread for the
homeless.
Me, I was just going to makeovernight oats.
On Thursday to talk exactlyabout the unintended consequence
(10:13):
of""Let Them"".
If you're not focusing on you,if you're not focusing on them,
then you have to begin to focuson you.
And.
That can be a bit harder than itseems.
Thanks for listening to CreatingMidlife Calm.
In this episode, you'll discover how the
let them mindset can help youstop wasting emotional energy on
things outside of your control.
welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, a podcast dedicated to
empowering midlife minds toovercome anxiety, stop feeling
like crap and become morepresent with your family, all
(00:20):
while achieving greater successat work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
experience teaching mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
Today I'm diving into a simpleyet powerful concept from Mel
Robbins called,""Let Them"".
(00:42):
Mel is having her moment.
She is all over the news sharingthis fun and super helpful idea
to decrease anxiety and increasecalm.
By the end of this episode,you'll understand how the""Let
Them"" mindset can help you stopwasting emotional energy on
things outside of your control.
I'm also going to add two simplebut important skills that I
(01:05):
think Mel left out of her theoryso, you can implement LetThem
with even more success.
As always, I'll end with aninner challenge, something you
can start today to help easeyour anxiety.
The LetThem theory is built on asimple idea.
Let people do what they want.
Mel shares a story about beingat her son's prom photo session,
(01:28):
discover that his friend grouphad no dinner reservations.
Oh yeah, if you've hadteenagers, you have been in that
situation probably 150 times.
They started talking about goingto a fast food taco place and
Mel jumped into action.
You know the drill.
What?
No reservations?
A taco place?
It's raining.
(01:49):
It's a small building.
It'll never be able to fit you.
It's your prom.
In no time, she was all wound upand then her college aged
daughter looked at her and said,Mom,""Let Them"".
At that moment, a light bulbwent off and a theory was born.
Instead of trying to control orinfluence others behaviors,
(02:10):
allow them the freedom to act asthey choose.
Whether it's a family member whomakes a decision you don't agree
with, a friend who doesn'trespond the way you had hoped.
Or even a stranger's behaviorthat frustrates you, like the
woman yesterday who took all thehalf priced canned pumpkin at
the grocery store.
Just""Let Them"".
Why?
(02:30):
Because people are going to dowhat they're going to do.
This theory that Mel created isfor people, perhaps yourself,
who spend too much time andenergy trying to manage how
others think, feel, and act.
If that's you, I'm glad you'relistening, because these two
words can set you free.
Think about the last time youstepped in to be a life coach
(02:53):
for someone who, A, wasn'tpaying you, and B, didn't invite
you.
How'd it go?
Probably not There are twotruths about life.
One, people like to do their ownthing.
Two, when we try to controlothers, their brain actually
leans into resistance.
Why?
Because people like to do theirown thing.
(03:14):
Voluntarily life coaching othersoften leads to unnecessary
stress, anxiety, anddisappointment because the truth
is you can't control anyone butyourself.
Letting them do what they willdoesn't mean you approve or
agree.
It simply means you're releasingyourself from the burden of
control and all the emotionsthat quickly follow it.
(03:37):
The beauty of""Let Them"" theorylies in its simplicity.
When you stop fighting againstthe actions of others, you free
up mental and emotional energyfor things you can control, your
own choices, peace, calm, andyour own priorities.
Let me give you an example fromthe couch.
A number of years ago, thoughI've had this many times in my
(03:58):
office, a client was upsetbecause her siblings weren't
doing what she felt was enoughfor their aging parents.
This created a lot of tension asshe explained to them what she
thought her parents needed andin response, they did what
adults often do.
Whatever they wanted.
She tried to get them moreinvolved, first by being nice,
(04:19):
and then by using guilt.
Nothing worked.
She was miserable.
At the time, I didn't have thesetwo fun words,""Let Them"", but
I said what I always say to myclients in this situation, Stay
in your lane.
You are not their life coach.
When you adopt the""Let Them""mindset, you are letting people
make decisions that they believeare best for them.
(04:42):
This means that you're notinternalizing their decisions.
or making it about you.
Doing this almost instantlyreduces overthinking, judgment,
and resentment.
It reminds you that otherpeople's actions aren't
necessarily personal.
They're often a reflection oftheir needs, priorities, or
struggles, not yours.
(05:04):
Practicing the spirit of""LetThem"" gave my client enough
mental space to realize that shehad always been closer to her
parents than her siblings.
Instead of being mad at them,she developed some compassion
and gratitude that the cardsfell in her favor when it came
to her relationship with herparents.
LetThem is a coping skill thatcan bring you more calm, but
(05:25):
actually it comes from a placeof anxiety.
Yes, your desire to help orcontrol may seem like it comes
from a good intention, but ifyou use your superpower of self
awareness, you'll likely seethat you feel anxious about the
other person's behavior.
Your kid isn't doing well inschool.
""Let Them"".
Your adult child is drinking toomuch.
(05:46):
""Let Them"".
Your spouse isn't getting enoughsleep.
""Let Them"".
It sounds easy, but for many ofyou listening, you've been
conditioned to jump in and help,jump in and direct, and even
jump in and save.
Having""Let Them"" as a copingskill in your mental wellness
toolkit will take a bit ofpractice.
You need to use the skill I talkabout so often on this podcast.
(06:10):
You need to notice when you arebeing called into action for
someone else and do thefollowing.
Number one, pause and reflect.
When you're tempted to react oroverthink someone's behavior,
pause and ask yourself, is thissomething I can control?
If not,""Let Them"".
Number two, breathe and reregulate your nervous system.
(06:34):
For some reason in my research,Mel left this important step
out.
If you don't do this, you'll bewhite knuckling your way
through.
""Let Them"".
Number three, focus on yourenergy, redirect your energy
within your control, your ownactions, emotions, boundaries,
and desires.
Number four, release judgment.
(06:56):
Understand that people'sdecisions aren't always about
you.
""Let Them"" make their choices,even if they're not the ones
you'd make.
Judgment is poison, usually notfor others, but for yourself.
Let Them"" can move you fromjudgment to acceptance.
Acceptance to compassion andcompassion to wishing others
(07:20):
success as they make their ownchoices.
My client was so busy judgingher siblings for not being like
her that she wasn't thinking ofthem as separate people with
their own history with herparents.
When she stepped out of controland judgment, she remembered how
hard her dad had been on hersiblings.
Something the family neveracknowledged.
(07:41):
But they still lived with.
A few months after she hadinitiated her one way truce,
there was enough peace betweenthem that one day she said to
her sibling, I think I get thatit's hard to help dad because he
was so hard on you.
This tough guy got tears in hiseyes and said nothing.
Her making space for hersibling's experience inside of
(08:03):
her made her more compassionateand kind.
It didn't change her siblingsbehavior, but it did change her.
And that's what this podcast isall about.
You changing your behavior soyou can create calm.
Judgment is an attempt to feelpowerful and in control.
Let Them"" surrenders toacceptance, peace, calm, love
(08:28):
and compassion.
The spirit of LetThem is youstaying in your lane with a
sense of wishing those swimmingnext to you the right to do
whatever workout they want andyou can send them blessings that
you hope it's a good one.
By the way, Common senseprevails in applying""Let
Them"".
Parents should use this wiselywith children who don't have
(08:49):
enough life experience to keepthemselves safe.
But they may actually know thatthey want to quit piano.
This theory isn't about beingpassive or ignoring boundaries.
It's about choosing calm overcontrol in situation where
control isn't yours to have.
Think of rush hour.
Or you can choose to be calm, oryou can choose to be angry about
(09:11):
the traffic flow.
The""Let Them"" theory isliberating because it's not
about giving up.
It's about letting go.
It reminds you that your peacedoesn't depend on controlling
others.
It depends on how you Manageyou.
So your inner challenge is totry out,""Let Them"".
The next time you find yourselfcaught up in someone else's
(09:31):
choices or actions, take a deepbreath and ask the question, can
I control this?
If the answer is no, take a fewbreaths and say,""Let Them"".
Next, refocus your energy, letgo of judgment.
And wish them well.
In this episode, I shared MelRobbins,""Let Them"" mindset and
(09:53):
I encourage you to add breathwork and a sprinkle of kindness
at the end wishing those who youwanted to control, well, I
actually did that with the ladywho took all the half price
pumpkin.
In my mind, I imagined she wasmaking pumpkin bread for the
homeless.
Me, I was just going to makeovernight oats.
On Thursday to talk exactlyabout the unintended consequence
(10:13):
of""Let Them"".
If you're not focusing on you,if you're not focusing on them,
then you have to begin to focuson you.
And.
That can be a bit harder than itseems.
Thanks for listening to CreatingMidlife Calm.
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